1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:01,960 Speaker 1: When we talk about how do we set a boundary 2 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,520 Speaker 1: oft On the other side of that is, if I 3 00:00:03,560 --> 00:00:06,280 Speaker 1: say no to a colleague, or I say no to 4 00:00:06,320 --> 00:00:08,280 Speaker 1: a child, or I say no to my in laws, 5 00:00:08,640 --> 00:00:10,760 Speaker 1: then usually the fear is and what are they going 6 00:00:10,840 --> 00:00:11,320 Speaker 1: to think of me? 7 00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:18,119 Speaker 2: Imagine this, you send an email days pass by and 8 00:00:18,360 --> 00:00:22,720 Speaker 2: no reply. Your mind spins. Do they not like me? 9 00:00:23,239 --> 00:00:25,800 Speaker 2: Do they not want me on the project? Or are 10 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:31,040 Speaker 2: they just busy? Today we're exploring how to pause those 11 00:00:31,160 --> 00:00:36,080 Speaker 2: spirals with two deceptively simple questions, which we'll get to 12 00:00:36,159 --> 00:00:40,320 Speaker 2: in a moment. My guest today is Lael's Stone, an 13 00:00:40,479 --> 00:00:44,040 Speaker 2: educator and author of Own Your Story, which is a 14 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:49,440 Speaker 2: brilliant book, who uses these questions daily to shift stories 15 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:53,760 Speaker 2: and reset perspective. I am such a huge fan of 16 00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:57,800 Speaker 2: Layelle's work after hearing her speak many years ago on 17 00:00:57,840 --> 00:01:02,200 Speaker 2: the Imperfect podcast. In our chat today, Layelle coaches me 18 00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:05,200 Speaker 2: through dealing with my own self doubt while writing my 19 00:01:05,319 --> 00:01:08,720 Speaker 2: fifth book, and how we can stop draining our energy 20 00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:12,120 Speaker 2: with unhelpful stories. By the end of this chat, you 21 00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:15,240 Speaker 2: will have a simple mental reset that you can apply 22 00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:18,320 Speaker 2: in real time, whether it's at work, with your family 23 00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:23,120 Speaker 2: or in those three am overthinking spirals. This is part 24 00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:26,679 Speaker 2: one of my conversation with Lael, So if you're new here, 25 00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:29,759 Speaker 2: make sure you hit follow or subscribe so you can 26 00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:39,720 Speaker 2: listen to part two when it drops next week. Welcome 27 00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:44,440 Speaker 2: to How I Work, a show about habits, rituals, and strategies. 28 00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:45,280 Speaker 3: For optimizing your date. 29 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:53,200 Speaker 2: I'm your host, doctor Amantha Imber. I want to start 30 00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:56,240 Speaker 2: off with two of what I think are your favorite 31 00:01:56,320 --> 00:02:00,480 Speaker 2: questions to ask, and I love them. You say that 32 00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:05,320 Speaker 2: two fundamental reflection questions are what am I making this mean? 33 00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:09,000 Speaker 2: And how do I want this to look like? Or 34 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:12,480 Speaker 2: what do I want this to look like? Tell me 35 00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:15,080 Speaker 2: how do you use those questions in your life? 36 00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:17,079 Speaker 3: So the first one, what am I making it mean? 37 00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:17,360 Speaker 3: For me? 38 00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:23,720 Speaker 1: Is so much about whenever I am activated, triggered, not 39 00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:26,160 Speaker 1: in my center. And we know when we're always like that, right, 40 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:28,160 Speaker 1: we know when we're like there's something brewing here or 41 00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:30,920 Speaker 1: I'm having a reaction. I always like to pause and go, 42 00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:33,160 Speaker 1: what am I making this mean? Because I think behind 43 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:36,920 Speaker 1: our reactions there's always something deeper underneath. And so what 44 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:39,800 Speaker 1: am I making this mean? Can be things like you 45 00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:42,560 Speaker 1: know someone didn't you know hasn't returned my email in 46 00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:44,480 Speaker 1: a few days and it's, you know, something that I always 47 00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:46,480 Speaker 1: asking of them. They haven't returned my email, and all 48 00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:48,920 Speaker 1: of a sudden, I'm watching my thoughts go. You know, 49 00:02:48,919 --> 00:02:51,120 Speaker 1: they haven't gone back to me. And I often will say, 50 00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:51,560 Speaker 1: what am I. 51 00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:52,040 Speaker 3: Making this mean? 52 00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:53,800 Speaker 1: Am I making it mean that they don't want me 53 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,440 Speaker 1: to do this project? And they making it mean they 54 00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:57,839 Speaker 1: don't like me? Am I making it mean that they're 55 00:02:57,880 --> 00:03:00,480 Speaker 1: just too busy? That could be reality? Really is I 56 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:03,280 Speaker 1: think a patent interrupt question to actually get you to 57 00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:07,200 Speaker 1: stop and go, what is this story here? So you know, 58 00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:09,880 Speaker 1: many years ago where my kids are younger, you know, 59 00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:12,680 Speaker 1: when I was at home looking after three kids and 60 00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:14,639 Speaker 1: my partner would be late and I'd message him and 61 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:16,920 Speaker 1: he wouldn't message back or whatever. You know, that would 62 00:03:16,919 --> 00:03:18,560 Speaker 1: be a what am I making this mean? Well, in 63 00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:20,280 Speaker 1: that moment, I was like, if he loved us, he 64 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:23,680 Speaker 1: would be home on time, or you know, I'm doing 65 00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:26,000 Speaker 1: all the heavy lifting here and he doesn't respect me, 66 00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:28,480 Speaker 1: Like we watch our minds just go to these places 67 00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:29,920 Speaker 1: all the time. So for me that what am I 68 00:03:29,919 --> 00:03:32,720 Speaker 1: making it mean? Is a beautiful way to actually pause 69 00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:35,040 Speaker 1: and stop and go what story am I telling? Myself 70 00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:37,680 Speaker 1: about what is happening here, and I find that it 71 00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:39,600 Speaker 1: then helps me kind of get a bit clearer on 72 00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:42,400 Speaker 1: actually what the reality is and where my mind is 73 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:45,840 Speaker 1: racing too. And you know, whether that's an old belief 74 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:48,160 Speaker 1: system or story, or whether it's something that actually I 75 00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:50,040 Speaker 1: do need to lean into. For me, it really is 76 00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:52,880 Speaker 1: the first piece around a bit of self reflection around 77 00:03:52,880 --> 00:03:54,720 Speaker 1: whatever's going on. So that's the what am I making 78 00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:55,040 Speaker 1: it mean? 79 00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:57,600 Speaker 3: But what do I want this to look like? For me? 80 00:03:58,000 --> 00:03:59,800 Speaker 1: It became a bit of a game many many years 81 00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:03,120 Speaker 1: ago when I realized just how powerful we actually are. 82 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:06,960 Speaker 1: Right and intention matters a lot in our world, and 83 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:08,960 Speaker 1: often what we think about is often what we look 84 00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:10,640 Speaker 1: for evidence to be true, and so we spend a 85 00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:13,440 Speaker 1: lot of our time in our heads. Obviously, I really 86 00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:15,240 Speaker 1: do believe our body is always listening to what our 87 00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:19,120 Speaker 1: mind's got to say. So when there was something I wanted, 88 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:22,400 Speaker 1: or whether there was something that I really wanted to 89 00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:24,599 Speaker 1: happen in my world, I would ask that question, what 90 00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:26,240 Speaker 1: do I want it to look like? Which I think 91 00:04:26,279 --> 00:04:31,560 Speaker 1: invokes the intention of dreaming, of possibility of opening ourselves 92 00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:34,640 Speaker 1: up to a bigger, wider possibility than just the reality 93 00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:37,440 Speaker 1: that we think is there. So I used to play 94 00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:39,200 Speaker 1: it even in the simplest things. I've had to ring 95 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,440 Speaker 1: up and make an appointment for the doctor. I was like, 96 00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:42,560 Speaker 1: what do I want this to look like? I want 97 00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:44,520 Speaker 1: there to be an appointment at three o'clock on Wednesday, right, 98 00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:47,120 Speaker 1: or just random? I would play it with random things 99 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,240 Speaker 1: like that, and sometimes it works, sometimes it didn't. But 100 00:04:49,279 --> 00:04:51,000 Speaker 1: what do I want it to look like? Is really 101 00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:54,560 Speaker 1: more around am I stuck in a loop of story, 102 00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:57,520 Speaker 1: a belief system, something that's keeping me limited? What would 103 00:04:57,560 --> 00:04:59,600 Speaker 1: I want it to look like? What would be amazing? 104 00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:02,200 Speaker 1: Because I found from working with a lot of people 105 00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:05,120 Speaker 1: but also with my own story, that we limit ourselves 106 00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:09,120 Speaker 1: in our thinking often, and we also we're hardwired to 107 00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:11,560 Speaker 1: go towards the negative because you know, we're often so 108 00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:14,040 Speaker 1: much more safer in what we know, and even if 109 00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:16,680 Speaker 1: that doesn't service, you know, it's familiar, I get it. 110 00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,200 Speaker 1: So we often can just repeat those loops. So for me, 111 00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:21,159 Speaker 1: the what do I want this to look like? Is 112 00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:24,200 Speaker 1: just an expansive question of like, well, let's get rid 113 00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:26,320 Speaker 1: of all the limitations that we think and say, well, 114 00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:28,599 Speaker 1: what could be possible here? And then I think it 115 00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:32,719 Speaker 1: opens us up to being open to other possibilities, to 116 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:36,800 Speaker 1: meeting people, to being a bit brave and taking steps 117 00:05:36,839 --> 00:05:39,880 Speaker 1: towards asking for something or you know, other things in 118 00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:42,040 Speaker 1: our world. So they are my two favorite questions, which 119 00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:44,239 Speaker 1: I would probably use most days most days. 120 00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:47,400 Speaker 2: Wow, Okay, I am wondering if we could do like 121 00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:48,880 Speaker 2: a mini therapy. 122 00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:50,760 Speaker 3: Sushion totally ethical use. 123 00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:55,560 Speaker 2: Because, as you know, as we're just talking about before 124 00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:59,880 Speaker 2: we started recording, I feel like I'm gripped by self doubt. 125 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:03,000 Speaker 2: In the middle of my fifth book, and the other 126 00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:07,040 Speaker 2: four came out, I feel like, actually relatively easily, and 127 00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:08,839 Speaker 2: they felt hard at the time, but now compared to 128 00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:12,080 Speaker 2: this fifth book, I'm really like every day it just 129 00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:14,520 Speaker 2: feels like a battle, and I'm like, can I do this? 130 00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:17,160 Speaker 2: Can I meet the deadline? And I've never really had 131 00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:19,960 Speaker 2: thoughts like that when I've been writing. So how would 132 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:21,880 Speaker 2: you advise me those questions? 133 00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:23,120 Speaker 3: Well, let's firstly. 134 00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:24,960 Speaker 1: Start, so, what are the thoughts that are going through 135 00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:27,159 Speaker 1: your head, like in the stuckness at the moment with 136 00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:30,360 Speaker 1: the book, right, what are the thoughts that are unsensored 137 00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:32,560 Speaker 1: if you can, if you're willing to share that are 138 00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:33,320 Speaker 1: going through your head? 139 00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:36,159 Speaker 2: What are you saying, I'm saying several things. I'm saying 140 00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:39,760 Speaker 2: the book has to be brilliant, like it has to 141 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:42,119 Speaker 2: be exceptional, it has to be my best work. 142 00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:44,800 Speaker 3: Yes, And I say that. 143 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:48,080 Speaker 2: And I try to challenge that thinking, and I'm like, no, 144 00:06:48,279 --> 00:06:50,719 Speaker 2: like it's you know, it's not a LinkedIn post that 145 00:06:50,839 --> 00:06:53,839 Speaker 2: is disposable knowledge. I feel like this is a book 146 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:57,360 Speaker 2: that I'm investing a year to write in, and you know, 147 00:06:57,480 --> 00:06:59,680 Speaker 2: a year or two to promote and speak about and 148 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:02,600 Speaker 2: all that sort of stuff. So it's a big investment 149 00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:05,159 Speaker 2: of time. And for someone reading a book, that's a 150 00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:08,520 Speaker 2: big investment of their time. So the stakes are really high. 151 00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:12,080 Speaker 2: So I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself. I 152 00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:16,280 Speaker 2: am second guessing myself a lot because I'm still as 153 00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:18,600 Speaker 2: I write it. I mean, like I'm sixty thousand ways 154 00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:21,080 Speaker 2: in so words is not an issue, Ideas are not 155 00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:26,120 Speaker 2: an issue. But I'm trying to work out what is 156 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:28,520 Speaker 2: the best way that this book can flow, What does 157 00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:30,880 Speaker 2: the structure look like there is a structure in place, 158 00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:34,200 Speaker 2: Like I haven't just adumbed sixty thousand words into a document. 159 00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:36,880 Speaker 2: But then I'm guessing myself. And then there's sections that 160 00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:41,200 Speaker 2: I've written that I am thinking to myself, I don't 161 00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:44,880 Speaker 2: think that fits anymore. But it's really hard when you've developed, 162 00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:49,600 Speaker 2: say a whole chapter or a whole idea, to just 163 00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:52,560 Speaker 2: rip that out like I'm used to, you know, cutting 164 00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:56,120 Speaker 2: and editing. But these are kind of fundamental thoughts. But 165 00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:58,080 Speaker 2: then I'm comparing them to other ideas in the book 166 00:07:58,120 --> 00:07:59,920 Speaker 2: and I don't actually think they fit together, and I 167 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:02,840 Speaker 2: think they complicated. So this is this is an insight 168 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,840 Speaker 2: into the thoughts that I am experiencing daily. 169 00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:07,680 Speaker 1: I mean, there's some beautiful stuff there to work with, 170 00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:09,640 Speaker 1: Like you could start with the first place of this 171 00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:13,000 Speaker 1: needs to be really good. And so I would firstly go, okay, well, 172 00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:16,480 Speaker 1: what if we took away any pressure, It doesn't matter 173 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:18,880 Speaker 1: what anybody thinks about it. What if you looked at 174 00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:20,960 Speaker 1: it through the lens of I'm writing this book for 175 00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:23,600 Speaker 1: me in the sense of what I believe or what 176 00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:26,760 Speaker 1: I've experienced, and if someone likes it someone doesn't, it 177 00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:29,800 Speaker 1: doesn't matter, because I mean, I'm sure you're so well 178 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:31,960 Speaker 1: aware when we put that pressure on ourselves if it's 179 00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,520 Speaker 1: got to be big and it's got to be great 180 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,280 Speaker 1: and everyone's got to love it, or it's got to 181 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:38,240 Speaker 1: be another best seller. Then instantly, what we're doing is 182 00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:41,120 Speaker 1: we often move out of our instinct and our heart 183 00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:43,800 Speaker 1: and we move into it's about everyone else instead of 184 00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:46,280 Speaker 1: what's actually here for us. So I love that little 185 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:48,080 Speaker 1: piece of what am I making it mean? Well, I'm 186 00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:49,560 Speaker 1: making it mean that it's got to be the best 187 00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:51,880 Speaker 1: because you know, this is my fifth book and there's 188 00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:54,839 Speaker 1: pressure there and so that's a beautiful story. So then 189 00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:56,920 Speaker 1: what I would apply to that is, well, what do 190 00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:58,920 Speaker 1: you want it to look like? And so that might 191 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:01,840 Speaker 1: be something like, how do I want to feel in 192 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:05,600 Speaker 1: completing this next chapter, this next little stage of my book. So, yes, 193 00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:07,520 Speaker 1: there's maybe the chapter that doesn't work, and yes there's 194 00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:10,960 Speaker 1: these pieces here, and there are all things that are 195 00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:12,600 Speaker 1: maybe not bad things. There are things that are like 196 00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:14,560 Speaker 1: maybe it isn't meant to be here, and maybe this 197 00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:16,520 Speaker 1: is the part where the book reveals itself, when you 198 00:09:16,559 --> 00:09:19,120 Speaker 1: get to shift and work with it. But my invitation 199 00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:21,120 Speaker 1: would be things around, well, what do you want this 200 00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:23,160 Speaker 1: to look like? How do you want to feel completing 201 00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:25,320 Speaker 1: the rest of this book? And maybe that is the 202 00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:28,680 Speaker 1: invitation to go, Actually, yeah, I've lost my thinking and 203 00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:31,080 Speaker 1: made it all about what is happening here instead of 204 00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:34,400 Speaker 1: actually come back to my CENTI here, come back to 205 00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:38,360 Speaker 1: trusting my intuition and what I know, What would it 206 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:40,240 Speaker 1: feel like to be in flow with the rest of 207 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,000 Speaker 1: this part of the book right, because it sounds like 208 00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:44,080 Speaker 1: there's a bit of pushing up against stuff going on, 209 00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:46,800 Speaker 1: And so my question around that, what do I want 210 00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:49,000 Speaker 1: this to look like? If I was to say to you, Okay, 211 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:51,160 Speaker 1: you've got another two months to finish on his book, 212 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:52,880 Speaker 1: what do you want that to be? How do you 213 00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:53,960 Speaker 1: want to feel writing hand? 214 00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:57,000 Speaker 3: What would you say? I would say I. 215 00:09:56,920 --> 00:10:02,320 Speaker 2: Wanted to feel fun andgizing, and you know which I mean. 216 00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:04,040 Speaker 2: The book is all about energy and how to get 217 00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:07,280 Speaker 2: your energy back Right now, it's like tearing the energy 218 00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:09,400 Speaker 2: out of me. So I think I would like to 219 00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:13,560 Speaker 2: feel just really creative and inflow and actually enjoying the 220 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:17,640 Speaker 2: process rather than, you know, on some mornings just really 221 00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:19,680 Speaker 2: dreading it but knowing that I just need to keep 222 00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:20,480 Speaker 2: doing the. 223 00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:23,480 Speaker 1: Work and maybe the wisdom of the words you've already 224 00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:26,440 Speaker 1: written are what you need to listen to, right, Yeah, 225 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:29,160 Speaker 1: you know how we most teach or do what we 226 00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:31,560 Speaker 1: most need to know, right, Like I know this even 227 00:10:31,559 --> 00:10:32,480 Speaker 1: in writing that book. 228 00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:35,319 Speaker 3: It felt torturous in places because. 229 00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:38,000 Speaker 1: Like the younger parts of me were popping up so prevalent, 230 00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:40,120 Speaker 1: like it was just in my face all the time, 231 00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:42,000 Speaker 1: and I had to kind of almost go back to 232 00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:44,040 Speaker 1: the words i'd written to go, Okay, what are you 233 00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:46,160 Speaker 1: making this mean here? What is this looking like? All 234 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:49,040 Speaker 1: that kind of stuff, to integrate it again, to get 235 00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:51,480 Speaker 1: back into the flow. And so I always think about 236 00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:54,880 Speaker 1: that when we're at these crossroads of stuff and we're 237 00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:58,319 Speaker 1: seeing the struggle, and maybe it is about this expectation 238 00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:00,160 Speaker 1: of how it's got to be. Maybe it's just that 239 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:02,600 Speaker 1: things do need to change. But I think that question 240 00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:04,640 Speaker 1: to come back of, like, Okay, I've got this in 241 00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:06,480 Speaker 1: front of me, how do I want to feel? I mean, 242 00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:08,760 Speaker 1: I'm sure you know that when you sit down to 243 00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:11,120 Speaker 1: write with an intention of this is going to be fun. 244 00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,360 Speaker 1: I'm going to flow. That is what I'm going to 245 00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:16,360 Speaker 1: bring to this experience, we are more likely to follow 246 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:19,600 Speaker 1: that track instead of oh god, three hours to bang 247 00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:22,640 Speaker 1: out something else. And God, I'm finding this really frustrating. 248 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:24,960 Speaker 1: You know, there's a lot that we trip ourselves up 249 00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:27,880 Speaker 1: on with the intention of what we do. How does 250 00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:28,520 Speaker 1: that feel for you? 251 00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:31,880 Speaker 2: It's like it's very freeing, going, Oh, I could actually 252 00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:34,720 Speaker 2: change this, I can change. What this means for me 253 00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:38,240 Speaker 2: is like kind of makes me excited to get back 254 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:39,559 Speaker 2: to the writing tomorrow. 255 00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:40,200 Speaker 3: Yeah. 256 00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:43,760 Speaker 2: The other thing I was thinking about the writing process 257 00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:45,959 Speaker 2: is really bringing up for me. Like a couple of 258 00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:49,880 Speaker 2: nights ago, I was reading like a nonfiction business book 259 00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:51,760 Speaker 2: before bed, and I don't normally do that. I normally 260 00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:54,160 Speaker 2: read fiction before bed because I find that that just 261 00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:57,080 Speaker 2: switches my mind off better. But I read this book 262 00:11:57,160 --> 00:11:59,520 Speaker 2: and I won't name it because I did like the 263 00:11:59,559 --> 00:12:02,040 Speaker 2: content that pretty basic, but there were things about it 264 00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:05,280 Speaker 2: that were really neat that I'm like, oh, this is 265 00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:09,560 Speaker 2: so great how it's been packaged and the typesetting, the design, 266 00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:13,680 Speaker 2: this feels really kind of fresh and innovative. And I 267 00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:16,320 Speaker 2: went to bed going, my book's never going to be 268 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:19,120 Speaker 2: like that, Like it just it feels so messy compared 269 00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:22,800 Speaker 2: to how neatly this author has packaged up there they're 270 00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:27,600 Speaker 2: thinking and interestingly, perhaps not surprisingly, I woke up in 271 00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:30,400 Speaker 2: the morning and I felt so anxious. 272 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:33,280 Speaker 3: Yes, yes, yeah, And I feel. 273 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:36,920 Speaker 2: Like I'm just I'm comparing myself too much to like 274 00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:37,439 Speaker 2: too often. 275 00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:40,400 Speaker 1: Yeah, And isn't that the way when we lose our center. 276 00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:42,360 Speaker 1: I often think this, when we lose our center and 277 00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:45,120 Speaker 1: we get influenced by what's going on there, we actually 278 00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:48,280 Speaker 1: lose our own magic within it. I always think it's 279 00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:50,440 Speaker 1: so hard to see our own work, right. I always 280 00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:53,200 Speaker 1: think this because you know, probably for you, the stuff 281 00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:56,600 Speaker 1: that you say is so normal for you, right, the 282 00:12:56,679 --> 00:12:58,559 Speaker 1: stuff that you guide and teach people with, all that 283 00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:01,480 Speaker 1: kind of stuff, it's so innate within you. It doesn't 284 00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:03,880 Speaker 1: even feel very special. I remember when I first started 285 00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:06,559 Speaker 1: as a speaker, and I remember hearing nik It was 286 00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:08,720 Speaker 1: Daniella Laporte, like, you know, she used to be speaker 287 00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:10,240 Speaker 1: on the Second for a long time, and I was 288 00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:12,640 Speaker 1: an interview with her talking about how before she's about 289 00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:14,960 Speaker 1: to go on stage one time she was like, you know, 290 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:18,080 Speaker 1: almost hyperventilating. She had this thing going on, like the 291 00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:20,680 Speaker 1: big pressure. And I'm like, remember hearing it going what 292 00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:23,480 Speaker 1: like you feel like that, like you've been You're someone 293 00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:25,000 Speaker 1: who's been doing it for a long time and you 294 00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:27,720 Speaker 1: still have those feelings. I think there's something really powerful 295 00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:31,320 Speaker 1: about hearing the humanness of people all the time around 296 00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:33,840 Speaker 1: the struggle, the tricky bits, the stuff that we feel. 297 00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:36,400 Speaker 1: It's so funny, isn't it. It's my second book and gosh, 298 00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:39,320 Speaker 1: you know this is your fifth one. There are always 299 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:41,480 Speaker 1: still the feelings of putting you out and your magic 300 00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:43,240 Speaker 1: out in the world. That's not lost to me. Like 301 00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:45,480 Speaker 1: every time I've created a new project, i've done something new, 302 00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:48,480 Speaker 1: I've often always come back to it takes so much 303 00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:51,280 Speaker 1: courage to be brave enough to write a book, to 304 00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:54,439 Speaker 1: create a song, to start a business, to do any 305 00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:56,679 Speaker 1: of those things. And I think we give ourselves a 306 00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:58,920 Speaker 1: hard time because we expect it should be perfect and 307 00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:01,320 Speaker 1: it should be ground breaking and everyone should love it, 308 00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:04,120 Speaker 1: whereas actually the magic is in the fact that you 309 00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:06,160 Speaker 1: said yes and you've actually done it and you've come 310 00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:08,640 Speaker 1: through with it. You've actually you've put something out that 311 00:14:08,679 --> 00:14:10,400 Speaker 1: you've done it. And for me, I get to this 312 00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:12,040 Speaker 1: point out I know, as I'm getting older, I'm like, 313 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:13,840 Speaker 1: it doesn't matter if it's not the best. 314 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:16,439 Speaker 3: The fact that you actually just did it is a win. 315 00:14:17,040 --> 00:14:17,760 Speaker 3: That is the goal. 316 00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:21,200 Speaker 2: If you've ever found yourself comparing your work to someone 317 00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:26,080 Speaker 2: else's and coming out on the bottom, stay with us 318 00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:29,480 Speaker 2: coming up, Will you talk about how imprints from our 319 00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:33,360 Speaker 2: childhood quietly shape your beliefs and why most of us 320 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:40,720 Speaker 2: never learned what a healthy boundary looks like. If you're 321 00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:43,440 Speaker 2: looking for more tips to improve the way you work 322 00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:46,920 Speaker 2: can live. I write a short weekly newsletter that contains 323 00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:50,120 Speaker 2: tactics I've discovered that have helped me personally. You can 324 00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:54,080 Speaker 2: sign up for that at Amantha dot com. That's Amantha 325 00:14:54,440 --> 00:15:01,200 Speaker 2: dot Com. Now I want to to talk about the 326 00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:05,320 Speaker 2: concept of imprints, which is a large part of what 327 00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:08,960 Speaker 2: you write about, you know, in your story, and you know, 328 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:11,120 Speaker 2: I guess like what we've been talking about so far 329 00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:15,920 Speaker 2: is really influenced by imprints. So to start with what 330 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:16,760 Speaker 2: is an imprint? 331 00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:19,880 Speaker 1: Well, I explained an imprint, it's like a belief system 332 00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:22,320 Speaker 1: more story that we take on board from our childhood 333 00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:24,760 Speaker 1: that we believe to be true. So we have imprints 334 00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:27,400 Speaker 1: around everything. From the moment we're born, we're watching our 335 00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:30,400 Speaker 1: family of origin, and so we begin to make sense 336 00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:32,520 Speaker 1: of the world through the lens we look through and 337 00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:35,840 Speaker 1: watching them. So I give explanations of like, you know, 338 00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:38,720 Speaker 1: if you grew up in a family that loved nature 339 00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:40,960 Speaker 1: right and it was a really important thing for them 340 00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:42,760 Speaker 1: to take care of the environment, that's going to become 341 00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:45,720 Speaker 1: an imprint for you. That is kind of an unconscious, 342 00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:48,200 Speaker 1: you know, subconscious thing around. Oh, we take care of 343 00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:50,240 Speaker 1: the earth. We take care of the environment, because that's 344 00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:52,640 Speaker 1: just what your parents or your family of origin really valued. 345 00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:56,280 Speaker 1: It might be that your family of origin really were 346 00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:59,520 Speaker 1: into helping others and maybe they like to, you know, 347 00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:02,360 Speaker 1: donate that time or donate goods, and again something that 348 00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:04,480 Speaker 1: you may have watched in your family of origin. Really 349 00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:06,560 Speaker 1: it's a beautiful thing to give to others, and that 350 00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:09,080 Speaker 1: may be something that you've taken on board. We have 351 00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:13,960 Speaker 1: imprints around everything from relationships to money, to success, to 352 00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,560 Speaker 1: how we feel about our bodies, to food to everything right, 353 00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:19,480 Speaker 1: so we watch all these amazing things and some of 354 00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:21,560 Speaker 1: them are really brilliant, these imprints, and some of them 355 00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:25,000 Speaker 1: make you take risks and you know, work hard and 356 00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:27,560 Speaker 1: there's a lot of beauty in it. Equally, we have 357 00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:30,160 Speaker 1: imprints that don't service right. And so like some of 358 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:32,560 Speaker 1: the classic ones that often see if you grew up 359 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:35,640 Speaker 1: in a family where emotions we never expressed or never 360 00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:38,640 Speaker 1: talked about. Everything was pushed under the rug or you 361 00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:40,680 Speaker 1: got shamed when you got upset, then you take on 362 00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:43,000 Speaker 1: board an imprinterval it's not okay to feel my feelings 363 00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:45,160 Speaker 1: and it's definitely not okay to express them. That's a 364 00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:47,320 Speaker 1: big one for a lot of people. If you grew up, 365 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:50,479 Speaker 1: you know, watching your parents and the way they communicated 366 00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:52,320 Speaker 1: with each other was to yell at each other at 367 00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:55,360 Speaker 1: a time, you know, on some level, your lens becomes, oh, 368 00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:57,600 Speaker 1: that's how you do relationships, right. And then you maybe 369 00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,640 Speaker 1: grow up and you get into a relationship and you 370 00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:01,760 Speaker 1: start can you fight and yelling and your partner's not 371 00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:03,600 Speaker 1: yelling back, and you're like, well, don't you love me? 372 00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:05,520 Speaker 1: Because if you love me, you'd yell at me, right, 373 00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:08,080 Speaker 1: this is what equates to love. Or you know, if 374 00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:10,000 Speaker 1: we we grow up watching our parents be really tender 375 00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:12,000 Speaker 1: and take care of each other, that becomes a bit 376 00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,399 Speaker 1: of a story around this is what relationship should look like. 377 00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:17,760 Speaker 1: So we have them on everything and some service and 378 00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:20,480 Speaker 1: some don't. And I think what I have found and 379 00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:22,280 Speaker 1: I guess why I've really focused on this on the 380 00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:24,679 Speaker 1: book is a lot of my work has really been 381 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:28,320 Speaker 1: around parenting and around helping parents work with their kids. 382 00:17:28,359 --> 00:17:30,760 Speaker 1: And so I would work with thousands of parents and 383 00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:32,280 Speaker 1: give them tools about how to get their kids to 384 00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:34,639 Speaker 1: cooperate and listening to feelings and all that kind of stuff. 385 00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:37,359 Speaker 1: But what I found kept tripping people up is no 386 00:17:37,359 --> 00:17:40,040 Speaker 1: matter how many tools I gave them, if their imprint 387 00:17:40,119 --> 00:17:44,560 Speaker 1: were so deeply entrenched in the disconnection of feelings in 388 00:17:45,119 --> 00:17:48,040 Speaker 1: stories around you know, kids must be good, or this 389 00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:51,359 Speaker 1: is about respect or whatever, it was, no matter how 390 00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:54,080 Speaker 1: many times we talk about those tools, their default was 391 00:17:54,119 --> 00:17:56,359 Speaker 1: to go back to what they had been shown. And 392 00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:58,680 Speaker 1: so I began to really say, you know, and this 393 00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:01,320 Speaker 1: is very true in me any different things, but especially 394 00:18:01,359 --> 00:18:03,880 Speaker 1: in parenting. We can turn up and do one thing, 395 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,199 Speaker 1: but unless we look at our own story, you know, 396 00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:09,560 Speaker 1: that often doesn't hold. And so part of I guess 397 00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:11,760 Speaker 1: why this book came about is because working with all 398 00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:14,080 Speaker 1: these parents, I began to see that it really was 399 00:18:14,119 --> 00:18:16,320 Speaker 1: the imprints that they were modeled when they were younger 400 00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:18,960 Speaker 1: that was impacting how they were turning up with their kids. 401 00:18:19,119 --> 00:18:20,879 Speaker 1: And then I realized, this is not just about parenting, 402 00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:22,920 Speaker 1: this is everything. This is how we turn up in 403 00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:25,560 Speaker 1: the workplace, this is how we turn up in our relationships, 404 00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:29,000 Speaker 1: this is how we do life. And really a lot 405 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:31,320 Speaker 1: of the imprints that we have are deeply unconscious, we 406 00:18:31,359 --> 00:18:33,880 Speaker 1: don't even actually know that they're there. And then when 407 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,520 Speaker 1: we do begin to understand or where they've come from 408 00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:39,040 Speaker 1: or where they are. Often one of the biggest challenges 409 00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:41,960 Speaker 1: is we feel that we're being disloyal to our family 410 00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:44,040 Speaker 1: if we begin to change them. And that's a whole 411 00:18:44,080 --> 00:18:46,840 Speaker 1: other interesting piece that I've found pops up. If people 412 00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:49,280 Speaker 1: are like, yeah, I want to be successful, or I 413 00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:50,879 Speaker 1: want to earn money, or I want to start my 414 00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:53,480 Speaker 1: own business. But if you come from a family of origin, 415 00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:55,879 Speaker 1: that's like, you know, no, no, no, we stick to safe, 416 00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:58,960 Speaker 1: secure things, you know, and you only earn this much money, 417 00:18:59,000 --> 00:18:59,359 Speaker 1: And this. 418 00:18:59,320 --> 00:18:59,920 Speaker 3: Is what it is. 419 00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,560 Speaker 1: We can often feel like we're being disloyal to our 420 00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:05,960 Speaker 1: family of origin, so we can sabotage ourselves, or even 421 00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:08,080 Speaker 1: our family of origin may tell us we're ridiculous. They 422 00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:10,360 Speaker 1: might be like, don't try that, you know, don't take 423 00:19:10,359 --> 00:19:12,719 Speaker 1: a risk. You do stuff that is safe, right, And 424 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:15,399 Speaker 1: so these are the stories in the belief systems that 425 00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:17,880 Speaker 1: actually keep us pretty small and pretty locked down. 426 00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:21,120 Speaker 2: It's so interesting, like you talk about I think it's 427 00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:26,320 Speaker 2: seven types of imprints or themes, I guess, and I 428 00:19:26,359 --> 00:19:29,720 Speaker 2: want to talk about some of them. The imprints around 429 00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:34,040 Speaker 2: money and work really interesting. And there's a question that 430 00:19:34,119 --> 00:19:38,359 Speaker 2: you recommend asking, which I love, which is when the 431 00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:41,760 Speaker 2: thought of following your passion comes up, who shows up 432 00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:44,600 Speaker 2: in your thinking? Yes, can you tell me about that question? 433 00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:47,760 Speaker 3: Yeah? So I love that question. Again. 434 00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:50,160 Speaker 1: I love asking questions. But this question I often ask 435 00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:52,960 Speaker 1: is who's here? Right? So when we're looking at people 436 00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:55,320 Speaker 1: are saying, oh, I've always really wanted to start my 437 00:19:55,359 --> 00:19:57,600 Speaker 1: own business. So everybody's really wanted to be an artist 438 00:19:57,720 --> 00:20:00,520 Speaker 1: or whatever it is, and I'm like, amazing stopping you 439 00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:02,000 Speaker 1: and they're like, oh, I just can't get it going, 440 00:20:02,359 --> 00:20:04,360 Speaker 1: or you know, there's all these blocks that come up. 441 00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:07,479 Speaker 1: So then I invite them to think about, Okay, well, 442 00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:10,359 Speaker 1: let's just say that you were an amazing artist or 443 00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:13,040 Speaker 1: that you were going to start your own business. If 444 00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:15,199 Speaker 1: you were to close your eyes and visualize that, you know, 445 00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:16,160 Speaker 1: who walks into the. 446 00:20:16,119 --> 00:20:17,560 Speaker 3: Story right now? Who's here? 447 00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:21,080 Speaker 1: And usually it will be a parent, It'll be maybe 448 00:20:21,119 --> 00:20:23,840 Speaker 1: a grandparent, it'll be a teacher. Like usually it's someone 449 00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:26,400 Speaker 1: who's had a position of perhaps authority in your life. 450 00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:29,480 Speaker 1: And often the message is don't do that, you know, 451 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:32,400 Speaker 1: don't take a risk, don't start that, it's dangerous, all 452 00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:33,119 Speaker 1: that kind of stuff. 453 00:20:33,119 --> 00:20:33,720 Speaker 3: So a lot of the. 454 00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:39,080 Speaker 1: Time, we are unconsciously keeping ourselves small in order to 455 00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:41,560 Speaker 1: I guess, either stay loyal to that family of origin 456 00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:43,399 Speaker 1: or because there's been so much fear put in you 457 00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:46,640 Speaker 1: around that's not a safe thing to do. And that's 458 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:49,359 Speaker 1: something that I find quite interesting, and talking about the 459 00:20:49,359 --> 00:20:51,359 Speaker 1: flip side of that of in my family of origin, 460 00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:53,960 Speaker 1: everybody in my family and almost makes send of family 461 00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:56,520 Speaker 1: run their own businesses, Like it's almost a weird thing 462 00:20:56,560 --> 00:20:58,320 Speaker 1: if you go and work for someone else, right, Like 463 00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:00,680 Speaker 1: we're the opposite of a lot of people. My family's 464 00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:03,000 Speaker 1: full of entrepreneurs and people that run their own businesses. 465 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:04,680 Speaker 1: So it's kind of just that, oh, that's what you do. 466 00:21:05,119 --> 00:21:06,879 Speaker 1: You don't do it the other way, right, whereas in 467 00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:10,080 Speaker 1: other families it looks different. So I think the thing 468 00:21:10,119 --> 00:21:14,280 Speaker 1: of who's here is so much about what are the 469 00:21:14,359 --> 00:21:18,160 Speaker 1: stories that we tell ourselves in our head around judgment 470 00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:20,440 Speaker 1: around I'm not going to get judged if I do this, 471 00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:22,040 Speaker 1: you know, do I have a voice in my head 472 00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:24,199 Speaker 1: that says this is unsafe to do it? So the 473 00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:27,160 Speaker 1: who's here is very much just around Okay, what influence 474 00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:30,720 Speaker 1: is coming in and what they're saying is that even true? 475 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:33,880 Speaker 1: Is that an old story. Is it their story they've 476 00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:36,240 Speaker 1: got that they're kind of projecting onto you. Let's be 477 00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:39,200 Speaker 1: curious around who's here in this bigger picture. 478 00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:42,359 Speaker 2: I want to talk about boundaries because you said in 479 00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:45,040 Speaker 2: the book that it's rare for adults to have received 480 00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:48,520 Speaker 2: positive imprints around boundaries. Can you tell me a bit 481 00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:49,200 Speaker 2: more about that. 482 00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:51,880 Speaker 1: Yeah, So, I think for most of us growing up, 483 00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:54,080 Speaker 1: boundaries either look like this, right, So we'd go to 484 00:21:54,119 --> 00:21:55,760 Speaker 1: a parent and say, you know, can I go to 485 00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:57,679 Speaker 1: the party on the weekend? And maybe one of our 486 00:21:57,680 --> 00:22:00,120 Speaker 1: parents would be like no, and you go, but why? 487 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:02,800 Speaker 1: And the response was usually because I said so, and 488 00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:04,600 Speaker 1: that was it, right, and then that. 489 00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:05,399 Speaker 3: Was the end of the story. 490 00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:07,520 Speaker 1: And you might have gone, why but I want to go, 491 00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:09,360 Speaker 1: and then it was like shut down, right. And then 492 00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:11,640 Speaker 1: on the other end of the scale, perhaps boundaries were 493 00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:14,320 Speaker 1: very permissive, where you knew that if you asked your 494 00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:16,080 Speaker 1: parent from this angle and that angle and you just 495 00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:18,160 Speaker 1: kind of worked it a bit, that eventually go, oh fine, 496 00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:20,800 Speaker 1: go right, so you could manipulate it to get where 497 00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:21,160 Speaker 1: you wanted. 498 00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:23,240 Speaker 3: And so most people had both of those. 499 00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:25,560 Speaker 1: They had the hard you know this is what it is, 500 00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:28,760 Speaker 1: or really permissive boundary and when we think about an 501 00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:31,919 Speaker 1: imprint around boundary. What a healthy boundary is, right as 502 00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:35,199 Speaker 1: an adult, is when we say no to something. So 503 00:22:35,240 --> 00:22:37,280 Speaker 1: I'll talk in the context of a child. We might 504 00:22:37,320 --> 00:22:39,080 Speaker 1: say no, you can't go to the party on the weekend, 505 00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:41,159 Speaker 1: and then the child might be like, but why I 506 00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:43,000 Speaker 1: really want to go? And the next step we do 507 00:22:43,119 --> 00:22:45,080 Speaker 1: is and you can tell me how you feel about it, right, 508 00:22:45,119 --> 00:22:48,040 Speaker 1: So I am saying no, but I get that you're upset, 509 00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:49,240 Speaker 1: so you can tell me how you feel about it, 510 00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:50,919 Speaker 1: and in that moment we're allowed to go. It's not 511 00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:53,760 Speaker 1: fair everybody else is going I feel like I'm going 512 00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:55,560 Speaker 1: to miss out, you know, And the parent is able 513 00:22:55,640 --> 00:22:57,879 Speaker 1: to go, Yeah, I hear you, and it's still a no, 514 00:22:58,080 --> 00:22:59,119 Speaker 1: but you can tell me how. 515 00:22:58,960 --> 00:22:59,840 Speaker 3: You feel about it, right. 516 00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:02,280 Speaker 1: So we actually start to have what we call a 517 00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:04,560 Speaker 1: healthy boundary, which is we have a clear no, but 518 00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:07,040 Speaker 1: it's not from a place of disconnection and power over. 519 00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:09,639 Speaker 1: It's from a place of connection that says it's a no, 520 00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:12,360 Speaker 1: but I'm happy to hear how you feel around what's 521 00:23:12,359 --> 00:23:13,800 Speaker 1: going on, right. So that's kind of more in the 522 00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:16,200 Speaker 1: context of a parent and a child. So then when 523 00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:18,960 Speaker 1: we're thinking about boundaries too. For a lot of people, 524 00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:22,120 Speaker 1: as children, their boundaries were not respected, which means their 525 00:23:22,119 --> 00:23:24,159 Speaker 1: parents would just come into their rooms, they would go 526 00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:27,120 Speaker 1: through their stuff. Maybe they read your diary, maybe you 527 00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:29,280 Speaker 1: shared some private information, and then they went and told 528 00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:30,880 Speaker 1: it to all their friends and then you heard them 529 00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:33,360 Speaker 1: talking about it. There are many ways that we can 530 00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:36,960 Speaker 1: have our boundaries violated as kids, and also too for 531 00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:39,520 Speaker 1: many of us, when we were children, we didn't actually 532 00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:41,199 Speaker 1: get to say no, because we were taught we had 533 00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:44,159 Speaker 1: to be good all the time, even simple things like 534 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:46,520 Speaker 1: go and hug Auntie Janis and you're like, I don't 535 00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:48,840 Speaker 1: want to hug Auntie Jennie because she smells like cigarettes 536 00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:51,600 Speaker 1: and she's got a beer, right, But we were like, no, 537 00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:54,240 Speaker 1: I'm overriding your want and you need to go and 538 00:23:54,320 --> 00:23:56,320 Speaker 1: hug her. Like that's a body boundary that often we 539 00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:59,520 Speaker 1: weren't respected right as kids, or perhaps when we felt 540 00:23:59,560 --> 00:24:01,920 Speaker 1: uncomfortab about something. But no, you must do it because 541 00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:03,840 Speaker 1: if this isn't this. And yes, there's times where we 542 00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:07,080 Speaker 1: need to encourage children, and there's times where it's important 543 00:24:07,119 --> 00:24:09,359 Speaker 1: that we hold that tension for them to move into 544 00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:11,679 Speaker 1: doing stuff. It's not that kids get to say this 545 00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:13,199 Speaker 1: how I'm doing it, and this is what I want right. 546 00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:17,000 Speaker 1: We absolutely need boundaries, but a healthy boundary is something 547 00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:20,919 Speaker 1: that most people didn't actually receive growing up, and because 548 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:23,280 Speaker 1: of that, we didn't receive healthy boundaries. We often have 549 00:24:23,359 --> 00:24:26,680 Speaker 1: a really hard time setting boundaries as adults. And more 550 00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:29,160 Speaker 1: than anything, I see women struggle with this because our 551 00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:32,199 Speaker 1: boundaries were often overridden because we were taught to be 552 00:24:32,359 --> 00:24:34,919 Speaker 1: very good girls when we were growing up, so we 553 00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:37,280 Speaker 1: weren't allowed to get angry, we weren't allowed to have 554 00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:39,560 Speaker 1: a big no. We may have got upset, but we 555 00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:42,840 Speaker 1: were maybe labeled as being too emotional or difficult, so 556 00:24:43,119 --> 00:24:45,800 Speaker 1: we weren't actually respected in what our yes and knows were. 557 00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:47,760 Speaker 1: And what I have found in my work is that 558 00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:50,400 Speaker 1: a lot of women, particularly have a very hard time 559 00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:53,280 Speaker 1: knowing what they're yes and their no is and then 560 00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:56,640 Speaker 1: actually setting the boundary. And because when we talk about 561 00:24:56,680 --> 00:24:58,760 Speaker 1: how do we set a boundary, often the other side 562 00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:00,920 Speaker 1: of that is if I say no to a colleague, 563 00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:03,040 Speaker 1: or I say no to a child, or I say 564 00:25:03,119 --> 00:25:05,840 Speaker 1: no to my in laws, then usually the fear is 565 00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:07,760 Speaker 1: and what are they going to think of me, you know? 566 00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:09,879 Speaker 1: Or will they not like me anymore? Will they not 567 00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:11,919 Speaker 1: love me anymore, or they not think I'm a hard worker, 568 00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:15,359 Speaker 1: or and often it becomes our default becomes all about 569 00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:19,080 Speaker 1: outsourcing our worth to what everybody else thinks. So it's 570 00:25:19,119 --> 00:25:22,320 Speaker 1: so often intertwined with many other layers of I guess 571 00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:25,240 Speaker 1: the ways we were raised, And of course our parents 572 00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:27,080 Speaker 1: and grandparents are doing the best job they know how, 573 00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:30,119 Speaker 1: but often for a lot of people, we were raised 574 00:25:30,119 --> 00:25:32,600 Speaker 1: in environments where we were taught that it's about keeping 575 00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:35,199 Speaker 1: everybody else happy, and that doesn't work well when it 576 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:36,119 Speaker 1: comes to boundaries. 577 00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:39,480 Speaker 2: So what advice do you find yourself giving people? And 578 00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:43,119 Speaker 2: I'm thinking particularly these women that are not great at 579 00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:45,840 Speaker 2: certain boundaries, and you know, I can definitely relate to that. 580 00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:48,360 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, oh that was my story For a long time. 581 00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:51,359 Speaker 1: I had absolute rubbish boundaries, to the point where, you know, 582 00:25:51,359 --> 00:25:52,760 Speaker 1: if a client had to rung me and said can 583 00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:55,280 Speaker 1: we do a session at ten thirty at night, I'd go, oh, okay, 584 00:25:55,320 --> 00:25:56,480 Speaker 1: then you know, if that's what they want. 585 00:25:56,520 --> 00:25:58,679 Speaker 3: I'm like, what what was I thinking? 586 00:25:58,760 --> 00:25:58,920 Speaker 2: Right? 587 00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:02,199 Speaker 1: That it was so about needing everybody else's approval or 588 00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:04,720 Speaker 1: keeping everybody else happy, that I didn't actually know how 589 00:26:04,720 --> 00:26:07,680 Speaker 1: to have my own boundary So for me, I look 590 00:26:07,680 --> 00:26:09,760 Speaker 1: at boundaries when someone struggles with it, and I bring 591 00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:12,000 Speaker 1: it back to what we want to see boundaries as 592 00:26:12,160 --> 00:26:14,040 Speaker 1: is an act of self love, is an act of 593 00:26:14,119 --> 00:26:17,640 Speaker 1: claiming our own space. And again, most of us weren't 594 00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:20,040 Speaker 1: taught that, hey, you are worthy of having that right 595 00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:23,320 Speaker 1: because it's often been about keeping everyone else happy. So 596 00:26:23,640 --> 00:26:25,280 Speaker 1: I often say to people, we want to start with 597 00:26:25,359 --> 00:26:27,680 Speaker 1: setting boundaries in ways that are small, because we need 598 00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:29,600 Speaker 1: to look for the evidence that it's safe for us 599 00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:32,439 Speaker 1: to do it. So it might be if you're a 600 00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:34,360 Speaker 1: parent and you've got to your kids pick up from 601 00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:36,520 Speaker 1: school and someone comes over and it's like, I need 602 00:26:36,560 --> 00:26:41,280 Speaker 1: eighty cupcakes by tomorrow right now. You might be like, oh, okay, okay, 603 00:26:41,320 --> 00:26:43,679 Speaker 1: I'll do it. But if it's a no, and usually 604 00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:45,919 Speaker 1: I say, if there's a should there, I should do this, 605 00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:47,960 Speaker 1: then it should be a no or we need to 606 00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:50,119 Speaker 1: pause that. What we want to be able to do 607 00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:52,560 Speaker 1: in that moment is say, actually, I can't do that. 608 00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:54,399 Speaker 1: This isn't going to work for me right now. That 609 00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:56,960 Speaker 1: might feel deeply uncomfortable, particularly if we've got a story 610 00:26:56,960 --> 00:26:59,880 Speaker 1: about letting people down. Now, the reality is the school mum, 611 00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:01,720 Speaker 1: you will probably just go and find someone else to 612 00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:03,719 Speaker 1: see if they can do it right. But we have 613 00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:06,240 Speaker 1: to sit with the tension and the uncomfortableness of they 614 00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:08,840 Speaker 1: may not like me in saying no, and we have 615 00:27:08,920 --> 00:27:12,160 Speaker 1: to start creating evidence that hey, we're still okay when 616 00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:14,920 Speaker 1: we say no. Because here's the thing with changing any 617 00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:17,600 Speaker 1: of our imprints. We can talk about what we want 618 00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:19,240 Speaker 1: it to be and how we want to change it, 619 00:27:19,560 --> 00:27:21,600 Speaker 1: but we often have to take steps forward and look 620 00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:23,560 Speaker 1: for the evidence that it is safe to change it. 621 00:27:23,960 --> 00:27:26,360 Speaker 1: And a lot of the time, because you know, it's 622 00:27:26,400 --> 00:27:28,880 Speaker 1: the younger parts of us that usually rule and dictate 623 00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:31,960 Speaker 1: our behavior, they are looking for reassurance that it's safe 624 00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:33,760 Speaker 1: for us to do it because a lot of often 625 00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:37,120 Speaker 1: what turns up is even though we are adults, it's 626 00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:40,200 Speaker 1: usually the yinner child and the younger parts of us 627 00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:43,080 Speaker 1: that are usually calling the shots, and their map of 628 00:27:43,119 --> 00:27:45,320 Speaker 1: the world usually comes from when we were younger and 629 00:27:45,359 --> 00:27:47,879 Speaker 1: when they were basically going, hey, it's not safe for 630 00:27:47,920 --> 00:27:50,199 Speaker 1: me to say no because I'm five, and really, at 631 00:27:50,200 --> 00:27:52,320 Speaker 1: this point in time, my survival is based all on 632 00:27:52,400 --> 00:27:54,800 Speaker 1: attachment and achievement. So if I say no to you 633 00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:56,720 Speaker 1: and my parent gets angry, well, that's a risk to 634 00:27:56,760 --> 00:27:59,240 Speaker 1: my life. So I have to be good and I 635 00:27:59,320 --> 00:28:01,600 Speaker 1: have to do what you say. And I think a 636 00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:05,000 Speaker 1: lot of the work is sometimes helping us understand that 637 00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:08,560 Speaker 1: we're actually an adult. We can say no, we have power, 638 00:28:08,760 --> 00:28:11,119 Speaker 1: we can leave, and if this person doesn't like me, 639 00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:12,159 Speaker 1: then that is okay. 640 00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:12,880 Speaker 3: That's on them. 641 00:28:13,320 --> 00:28:15,919 Speaker 1: But it takes practice and it takes a little bit 642 00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:17,479 Speaker 1: of work to be able to get to that space. 643 00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:22,080 Speaker 2: What stayed with me most from this conversation is Lael's 644 00:28:22,240 --> 00:28:26,840 Speaker 2: reminder that setting boundaries isn't about keeping people out. It's 645 00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:29,960 Speaker 2: actually an act of self love. So next time you 646 00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:35,679 Speaker 2: feel that reflexive I should say yes, just pause and try, 647 00:28:36,400 --> 00:28:40,080 Speaker 2: Actually I can't do that right now, and then notice 648 00:28:40,360 --> 00:28:45,200 Speaker 2: that you're still okay. Remember to follow or subscribe because 649 00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:47,840 Speaker 2: part two of this interview comes out next week, and 650 00:28:47,880 --> 00:28:51,280 Speaker 2: if this episode resonated, please share it with a friend 651 00:28:51,440 --> 00:28:54,040 Speaker 2: who you think would also benefit from it. If you 652 00:28:54,240 --> 00:28:57,600 Speaker 2: like today's show, make sure you follow on your podcast 653 00:28:57,640 --> 00:29:01,000 Speaker 2: app to be alerted when new episodes drop. How I 654 00:29:01,120 --> 00:29:04,280 Speaker 2: Work was recorded on the traditional land of the Warrangery People, 655 00:29:04,400 --> 00:29:05,440 Speaker 2: part of the Kohen Nation.