1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:02,320 Speaker 1: You actually touch on this children's perception. 2 00:00:02,640 --> 00:00:04,840 Speaker 2: It doesn't actually matter what we as a parents feel 3 00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:06,960 Speaker 2: or think, it's actually what our children perceive. 4 00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:13,800 Speaker 1: It's a happy family's podcast, the podcast for the time 5 00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:16,560 Speaker 1: poor parent, he yes wants answers. 6 00:00:16,640 --> 00:00:20,840 Speaker 3: Now, So, Kylie, you're one of three daughters, the eldest 7 00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:22,400 Speaker 3: of three, it was a favorite in your family? 8 00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:23,000 Speaker 1: Well, if you. 9 00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:26,279 Speaker 2: Asked my sisters, they would unequivocally tell you it was me. 10 00:00:26,520 --> 00:00:30,440 Speaker 3: Really, yeah, yep, they would Why is that what makes 11 00:00:30,440 --> 00:00:31,960 Speaker 3: them think that you were the favorite? Because you were 12 00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:34,360 Speaker 3: the oldest, so you got to I was the. 13 00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:36,919 Speaker 2: Oldest, and so my mom and dad relied heavily on 14 00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:38,440 Speaker 2: me to do everything. 15 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:43,400 Speaker 4: It's not favoritism that slave labor would They think that 16 00:00:43,479 --> 00:00:43,800 Speaker 4: was good? 17 00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:47,839 Speaker 2: And their their perception was that, you know, Mum and 18 00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:52,239 Speaker 2: dad looked to me for everything, and therefore I received 19 00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:58,120 Speaker 2: more attention, I received more liberties, and just in general, 20 00:00:58,240 --> 00:00:59,959 Speaker 2: I was I was sought after more. 21 00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:01,560 Speaker 4: I'm want a six and I reckon. 22 00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:03,760 Speaker 3: Each one of us would say that we all felt 23 00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:05,600 Speaker 3: like we were a favorite because mom and dad just 24 00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:08,640 Speaker 3: indulged us all ridiculously. Oh, by the way, my name 25 00:01:08,680 --> 00:01:11,279 Speaker 3: is doctor Justin Courson. I'm the dad to six daughters 26 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:14,040 Speaker 3: with this wonderful woman beside me, missus. Happy Families, Kylie, 27 00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:17,360 Speaker 3: I've written six books about having happy families, and this 28 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:22,360 Speaker 3: podcast today is all about the topic of favoritism and 29 00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:26,559 Speaker 3: being being favorited or you know, having the kids feel 30 00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:28,960 Speaker 3: like there's a favorite in the family. 31 00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:31,560 Speaker 1: Can I just say I did not feel like the favorite? 32 00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:32,640 Speaker 4: I really no. 33 00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:34,640 Speaker 3: So who did you think was the favorite one of 34 00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:36,440 Speaker 3: your sisters obviously, or did you feel like. 35 00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:37,240 Speaker 4: There was a favorite? 36 00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:38,360 Speaker 1: No, I don't think I. 37 00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:42,160 Speaker 3: Did, okay, but they definitely had tall poppy syndrome definitely. 38 00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:46,480 Speaker 3: So this conversation has coming about because our kids have 39 00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:51,120 Speaker 3: been asking, well not asking, they've actually been accusing us 40 00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:53,440 Speaker 3: of having favorites. But the way they accused us is 41 00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:56,120 Speaker 3: quite funny because each of them says, well, I'm the favorite, 42 00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:58,640 Speaker 3: and that's why, like they sort of tell people got. 43 00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:02,080 Speaker 2: Their own reasons. They're taunting their sisters. They're like, now, 44 00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:04,040 Speaker 2: you can't do that. That's what I do because I'm 45 00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:04,840 Speaker 2: the favorite. 46 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:07,400 Speaker 3: And it was really funny at the start, but I've 47 00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:09,960 Speaker 3: actually kind of I don't like it, and I've asked 48 00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:11,639 Speaker 3: them to stop it, because every now and again it's 49 00:02:11,639 --> 00:02:12,480 Speaker 3: actually hurtful. 50 00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:14,080 Speaker 4: Right If children. 51 00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:18,919 Speaker 3: Feels as though mum or dad loves somebody more than me, that's. 52 00:02:18,160 --> 00:02:18,880 Speaker 4: Kind of horrible. 53 00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:19,480 Speaker 5: Yeah. 54 00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:22,240 Speaker 2: I think when we're having moments of leberty, it's lots 55 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:24,480 Speaker 2: of fun. But you know, every now and again, somebody's 56 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:26,680 Speaker 2: not having a great day, and those kinds of conversations 57 00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:28,800 Speaker 2: don't lend to happy families. 58 00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:29,120 Speaker 4: Yeah. 59 00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:32,000 Speaker 3: Two quick stories about that many many years ago, probably 60 00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:35,520 Speaker 3: must have been fifteen years ago now, a friend of 61 00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:37,960 Speaker 3: our family, in fact, one of my little brother's best mates. 62 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:42,079 Speaker 3: He passed away unexpectedly. I think he was about twenty 63 00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:44,280 Speaker 3: twenty one years old something like that. He was hit 64 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:45,840 Speaker 3: by a car while he was riding a bike and 65 00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:47,480 Speaker 3: tragically died. 66 00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:49,040 Speaker 4: It was a very, very sad moment. 67 00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:51,880 Speaker 3: And at the funeral, what was interesting is that every 68 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:54,440 Speaker 3: one of his siblings and even the parents stood up 69 00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:58,560 Speaker 3: and as they made remarks about Joe, they talked about 70 00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:00,840 Speaker 3: how Joe was the favorite baby of the family and 71 00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:03,080 Speaker 3: he was the favorite. There was this universal acknowledgment that 72 00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:05,680 Speaker 3: he was the baby and the favorite, and everyone was 73 00:03:05,720 --> 00:03:07,720 Speaker 3: cool with that. And I thought that was really interesting 74 00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:10,000 Speaker 3: because I don't know if i'd feel the same way 75 00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:11,800 Speaker 3: if I felt like there was a favorite in the house. 76 00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:15,880 Speaker 3: Second story was a maid of mine Andrew, who shared 77 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:20,040 Speaker 3: that he definitely felt like his sister was the favorite 78 00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:22,080 Speaker 3: in his home and as a child growing up, he 79 00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:24,079 Speaker 3: and his brother just hated it. So the sister got 80 00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:27,079 Speaker 3: to have braces. Not that anyone's got to really aspire 81 00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:30,800 Speaker 3: or dream, Oh, you're so lucky you've got braces. Like 82 00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:32,600 Speaker 3: I know that that's an unusual thing to say, but 83 00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:33,960 Speaker 3: that was how he felt. 84 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:38,120 Speaker 2: But I think from the kids perspective, there's this association with. 85 00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:39,600 Speaker 1: The amount of money that spent. 86 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:43,040 Speaker 3: Yeah, you care more about my sister than me, because 87 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:45,320 Speaker 3: I've got crooked teeth too, but you gave her the braces. 88 00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:48,160 Speaker 3: But by the way, interesting fact, studies show that we 89 00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:51,160 Speaker 3: give braces to girls more than boys, really, and I 90 00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:54,560 Speaker 3: think that's because we care more about body image and 91 00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:57,240 Speaker 3: appearance for girls. I think we send a subtle message 92 00:03:57,600 --> 00:03:58,880 Speaker 3: to girls about how they look anyway. 93 00:03:58,920 --> 00:04:00,560 Speaker 4: But I think it's really interesting way we do that. 94 00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:03,000 Speaker 3: Anyway, Andrew was just saying, never felt like I was 95 00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:05,800 Speaker 3: the favorite, But then he sort of said I kind 96 00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:07,160 Speaker 3: of got around that though, because me and my dad 97 00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:09,760 Speaker 3: were really close, like we played football. He was a 98 00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:11,280 Speaker 3: good footballer and I was a good football and we 99 00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:13,960 Speaker 3: had that connection. He's like, but my older brother, he 100 00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:16,640 Speaker 3: just had nothing, no friends, didn't feel like he was 101 00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:19,159 Speaker 3: a favorite in the family. He went on to live 102 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:22,440 Speaker 3: a reasonably happy life after all of that, but growing 103 00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:24,080 Speaker 3: up was hard because he didn't feel like he was 104 00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:24,480 Speaker 3: the favorite. 105 00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:25,680 Speaker 1: It's tough, you know. 106 00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:27,720 Speaker 2: I think in your book Twenty one Days to a 107 00:04:27,760 --> 00:04:31,520 Speaker 2: Happier Family, you actually touch on this perception, children's perception. 108 00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:34,039 Speaker 2: It doesn't actually matter what we as a parents feel 109 00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:36,320 Speaker 2: or think, it's actually what our children perceive and so 110 00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:38,719 Speaker 2: on both those stories as a perception. In the first 111 00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:41,640 Speaker 2: family with Joe, there was a perception that Joe was 112 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:44,720 Speaker 2: a favorite, and the family were actually very vocal about 113 00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:47,599 Speaker 2: it and okay, like it worked for their family. Yeah, 114 00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:50,480 Speaker 2: But in the second story, there's obviously an acknowledgment and 115 00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:52,120 Speaker 2: a feeling that I'm not the favorite. 116 00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:53,160 Speaker 1: I feel left out. 117 00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:56,440 Speaker 3: It's a definite taboo, Like people don't like to acknowledge 118 00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:58,400 Speaker 3: that there's a favorite in the family, and they work 119 00:04:58,480 --> 00:04:59,960 Speaker 3: very hard to not and I've got to be honest. 120 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:01,960 Speaker 3: In our family, I don't want the kids to feel 121 00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:04,800 Speaker 3: like there's a favorite. It's really important to me that 122 00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:08,200 Speaker 3: they all feel like they're the favorite for different reasons. 123 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,440 Speaker 3: So let's come back in a second, and we'll have 124 00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:13,160 Speaker 3: a conversation about what we do when there's a sense 125 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:17,359 Speaker 3: that favoritism's creeping in, and let's talk about what the 126 00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:20,359 Speaker 3: science says about whether it's actually going to be a problem. 127 00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:22,440 Speaker 4: It's the Happy Families Podcast. 128 00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:26,279 Speaker 6: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having 129 00:05:26,279 --> 00:05:28,640 Speaker 6: to feel bad or in trouble. The do's and don'ts 130 00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:31,240 Speaker 6: of discipline as a webinar to help parents set limits 131 00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:34,960 Speaker 6: with love, compassion, and humanity. Find it now at Happy 132 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:37,560 Speaker 6: families dot com, dot au slash shop. 133 00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:41,760 Speaker 3: We're talking favoritism on the Happy Families Podcast. Favoritism within 134 00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:45,039 Speaker 3: families and siblings. This is how Melinda handles the situation 135 00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:45,880 Speaker 3: in her house. 136 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:48,280 Speaker 5: For me, I've got a girl and a boy, and 137 00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:52,240 Speaker 5: a step daughter and a stepson, and the overcompensation is 138 00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:55,760 Speaker 5: the tricky bit. Then I have to whisper it quietly 139 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:58,479 Speaker 5: into my daughter's erin and say I have to say 140 00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:00,640 Speaker 5: that he's the favorite while he's listening, but you know 141 00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:03,000 Speaker 5: you're my favorite, and give her a hug and a kiss, 142 00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:05,279 Speaker 5: and she's happy with that she'll run off laughing thinking 143 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:07,960 Speaker 5: that it's true. And I'm not saying it's not true, 144 00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:10,880 Speaker 5: because I actually do believe, you know that they are 145 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:14,640 Speaker 5: all my favorite at different times, and it depends on 146 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:15,480 Speaker 5: the situation. 147 00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:19,200 Speaker 2: We're talking favoritism on the podcast today and I thought 148 00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:21,080 Speaker 2: we might, you know, kind of check in with what 149 00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:24,520 Speaker 2: are some of the triggers that have children feeling like 150 00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:26,799 Speaker 2: there's a sibling in the house that's the favorite. 151 00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:28,680 Speaker 3: Yeah, so you tapped into one a little bit earlier, 152 00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:30,520 Speaker 3: and that's who gets the most money spent on them. 153 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:31,320 Speaker 1: Yeah, totally. 154 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:34,040 Speaker 3: Kids have got this fairness antenna, and it's like, oh, 155 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:36,479 Speaker 3: you always they get to do all those activities and 156 00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:38,560 Speaker 3: they get to have this money spent on them, and you. 157 00:06:38,839 --> 00:06:40,719 Speaker 4: Let them go and do stuff that I'm not allowed 158 00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:40,960 Speaker 4: to do. 159 00:06:41,279 --> 00:06:42,920 Speaker 2: Well, I think too when you kind of look at that, 160 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:46,320 Speaker 2: you know, the children that excel in a particular sport, Yeah, right, 161 00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:48,080 Speaker 2: all of a sudden, you've got, you know, one child 162 00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:51,800 Speaker 2: who is just an avid basketball player, and you know 163 00:06:51,839 --> 00:06:55,159 Speaker 2: they're going places, and so obviously there's a lot of 164 00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:57,880 Speaker 2: attention being given to this one child, whereas the other 165 00:06:57,920 --> 00:07:02,039 Speaker 2: children actually interested in basketball at or not even a sport. 166 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:03,520 Speaker 3: Or they feel like they now have to be interested 167 00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:05,200 Speaker 3: in it so that they can have a similar allocation 168 00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:08,760 Speaker 3: of parental investment, whether it's dollars or time. But that 169 00:07:08,839 --> 00:07:11,400 Speaker 3: kind of leads into the whole we're more likely, in fact, 170 00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:13,280 Speaker 3: the research shows this. We're more likely to see kids 171 00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:15,480 Speaker 3: as our favorite when they're easy to deal with, when 172 00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:18,560 Speaker 3: they've got a personality that aligns with ours and we 173 00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:20,880 Speaker 3: can just get along with them and have fun with them. 174 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:24,400 Speaker 3: Whereas and also the achievers, right whether it's on the 175 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:26,680 Speaker 3: sporting field or in an academic context or wherever it 176 00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:27,040 Speaker 3: might be. 177 00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:29,640 Speaker 4: The achievers, we love them because. 178 00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:30,960 Speaker 3: We're so proud of them, and they make us look 179 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:33,480 Speaker 3: like we're great pairents even if we didn't do anything. 180 00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:34,840 Speaker 4: They're just you know, that kid. 181 00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:37,080 Speaker 3: But the kids that aren't achieving, the kids that are 182 00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:40,240 Speaker 3: really struggling, dragging the chain, maybe a child who is 183 00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:43,000 Speaker 3: not performing at school or even gets in a fair 184 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:45,760 Speaker 3: bit of strife, or the child who starts stuff and 185 00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:47,760 Speaker 3: then quits and just has a bit of a depressive 186 00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:52,000 Speaker 3: or challenging attitude, much less likely to be perceived as 187 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:55,880 Speaker 3: a favorite or perceive themselves as a favorite and struggle 188 00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:56,480 Speaker 3: as a result. 189 00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:59,040 Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think personality plays a part in that. 190 00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:00,720 Speaker 2: You know, when you look at the people that you 191 00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:03,440 Speaker 2: hang out with, even in the workplace, for instance, you're 192 00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:06,440 Speaker 2: not going to be gravitating to every single person there. 193 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:07,840 Speaker 1: And it's the same in our families. 194 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:09,800 Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, which is why we had six, right, We 195 00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:11,160 Speaker 3: want to make sure that we really liked at least 196 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:11,800 Speaker 3: one or two of them. 197 00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:14,320 Speaker 4: I didn't. 198 00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:16,840 Speaker 2: I did, But you know what I love is that 199 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:20,240 Speaker 2: we do have six children, and they've just all got 200 00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:24,440 Speaker 2: such different personalities. And I think that what I've loved 201 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:27,720 Speaker 2: as a mother kind of watching them evolve is just 202 00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:31,080 Speaker 2: how different they are, and as a result, my relationship 203 00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:32,360 Speaker 2: with each of them is really different. 204 00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:36,320 Speaker 3: Yeah, personality clashes happen, but even with the easy to 205 00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:39,000 Speaker 3: get along with kids, there's still personality clashes. 206 00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:40,920 Speaker 1: It can be started about our easy one. 207 00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:42,559 Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean this still happens. 208 00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:45,120 Speaker 3: So whether they're easy or not, I guess that whole 209 00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:47,520 Speaker 3: perception thing though it really matters. The research is very 210 00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:50,360 Speaker 3: very clear there are pretty much no positives that come 211 00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:53,520 Speaker 3: from favoritism as a general rule, So kids are more 212 00:08:53,559 --> 00:08:55,640 Speaker 3: likely to have low self esteem, they're more likely to 213 00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:59,240 Speaker 3: act out aggressively, They're definitely more likely to resent their 214 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:02,120 Speaker 3: siblings who's received as the favorite, you know, so it 215 00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:05,520 Speaker 3: creates that sibling conflict that's really significant. That sibling rivalry 216 00:09:05,559 --> 00:09:08,480 Speaker 3: really gets nasty. They're less likely to do well at school. 217 00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:11,160 Speaker 3: I mean, you name it. The list of challenges that 218 00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:13,240 Speaker 3: come from feeling like you don't matter as much as 219 00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:17,760 Speaker 3: somebody else does in the family, it's definitely concerning. We've 220 00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:20,240 Speaker 3: got to do something to we've got to be alert 221 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:21,600 Speaker 3: to it so that we don't let it happen in 222 00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:22,080 Speaker 3: our homes. 223 00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:25,640 Speaker 1: Yeah, I think intentional, be really intentional. 224 00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:31,240 Speaker 2: You know, there will be different times in our families. 225 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:32,439 Speaker 1: Where there'll be a fire to put out. 226 00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:35,559 Speaker 2: There'll be a child who needs our time, attention and 227 00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:39,480 Speaker 2: love more than the other children. But in those times 228 00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:42,880 Speaker 2: and spaces, it's so important that we're really intentional with 229 00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:49,440 Speaker 2: our other children, and as we build individual, authentic relationships 230 00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:52,440 Speaker 2: with each of them, regardless of where our time and 231 00:09:52,559 --> 00:09:56,280 Speaker 2: energy are spent, our children will fell loved and appreciated 232 00:09:56,360 --> 00:09:57,040 Speaker 2: and accepted. 233 00:09:57,160 --> 00:10:00,480 Speaker 3: Yeah, that just reminds me of I mean, I don't 234 00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:02,760 Speaker 3: do much one on one work with families now. It's 235 00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:05,440 Speaker 3: mainly in talks and books and the podcast and that 236 00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:07,800 Speaker 3: kind of thing. But I was recently having a conversation 237 00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:09,959 Speaker 3: with a mum who was having just an awfully hard time. 238 00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:15,160 Speaker 3: She's got a teenage daughter, she's got a son self 239 00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:18,520 Speaker 3: harm really big issue with the teenage daughter, and the 240 00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:21,560 Speaker 3: son started to become resentful because the teenage daughter is 241 00:10:21,559 --> 00:10:24,040 Speaker 3: getting all of the attention, but right now she's got 242 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:27,840 Speaker 3: a really bad need. She really needs the attention of 243 00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:30,319 Speaker 3: her parents. But the son became resentful. He's like, no, 244 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:32,880 Speaker 3: this isn't fair. And what I talked to the parents 245 00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:35,240 Speaker 3: about in this situation was, imagine you've got a couple 246 00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:37,760 Speaker 3: of houses in a coulder sack. You own the two houses, 247 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:39,760 Speaker 3: the only two properties at the end of this little 248 00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:43,640 Speaker 3: cul de sac. You look after them both beautifully, but 249 00:10:43,679 --> 00:10:46,080 Speaker 3: then one of them there's a fire. You run to 250 00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:47,960 Speaker 3: that house and you put that fire out, and then 251 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:50,240 Speaker 3: you restore the house as best you can. And maybe 252 00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:52,559 Speaker 3: you can talk to your son about how the two 253 00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:54,360 Speaker 3: kids are like that. They're like those two houses. But 254 00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:56,800 Speaker 3: if there's a house on fire, you don't just let 255 00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:59,040 Speaker 3: it burn down. You do your very best to save it, 256 00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:02,679 Speaker 3: and maybe he can be involved in that saving. You 257 00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:06,600 Speaker 3: participate in saving the house, either by just not winging 258 00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:08,760 Speaker 3: about the fact that the big sisters getting all the attention, 259 00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:11,719 Speaker 3: or by being an active contributor to building up the relationship. 260 00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:14,719 Speaker 3: I thought that was just a really interesting metaphor to 261 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:18,360 Speaker 3: highlight that just because you're spending time on somebody doesn't 262 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:19,439 Speaker 3: make them the favorite. 263 00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:21,640 Speaker 4: But it also highlights that our kids can sometimes perceive 264 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:22,200 Speaker 4: it to be like that. 265 00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:24,360 Speaker 3: You know, you have a brand new baby and the 266 00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:26,760 Speaker 3: child's screaming and crying, and everyone's like, well, you pay 267 00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:27,600 Speaker 3: all this attention to the. 268 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:28,880 Speaker 4: Baby, but they're a baby. 269 00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:31,160 Speaker 3: It makes sense, and so we've got to be able 270 00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:33,000 Speaker 3: to help our kids to know that when one child 271 00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:36,440 Speaker 3: is getting more attention and love and favoritism than the other, 272 00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:38,440 Speaker 3: that sometimes there are good reasons for it. 273 00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:40,000 Speaker 4: We just need to make sure it balance is out. 274 00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:41,800 Speaker 1: We hope you enjoyed the podcast today. 275 00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:46,559 Speaker 2: If you do enjoy our podcast, please visit Apple Podcasts 276 00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:49,440 Speaker 2: and leave a rating and review. It's the reviews that 277 00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:53,000 Speaker 2: help people find the podcast to have happier families. 278 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:57,240 Speaker 1: We're really excited to hear from Carly five Stars. 279 00:11:57,240 --> 00:11:59,280 Speaker 3: I'm just going to say thank you, Carly five Stars. 280 00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:02,120 Speaker 3: Appreciate that we really like the five star reviews. I 281 00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:03,920 Speaker 3: don't know if I can be any clearer about that. 282 00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:06,920 Speaker 4: Live stars five stars are good. We like that. But 283 00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:08,480 Speaker 4: Carlie lift us a message as well. 284 00:12:08,559 --> 00:12:11,720 Speaker 2: She said, These short conversations between Justin and his wife 285 00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:14,880 Speaker 2: are packed with useful information and tips to help you 286 00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:18,040 Speaker 2: build stronger and happier relationships within your own family. 287 00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:18,480 Speaker 4: Yeah. 288 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:21,120 Speaker 3: Awesome, Thanks so much, Carlie. We really appreciate the rating 289 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:23,600 Speaker 3: and review that you left. We would love to hear 290 00:12:23,640 --> 00:12:26,959 Speaker 3: from you podcasts at Happy Families dot com dot you, 291 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,520 Speaker 3: or of course you can leave that rating and review 292 00:12:28,559 --> 00:12:32,160 Speaker 3: at Apple Podcasts. We appreciate that the Happy Families podcast 293 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:35,000 Speaker 3: is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media, and our 294 00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:37,640 Speaker 3: executive producer is Craig Bruce. If you'd like more about 295 00:12:37,679 --> 00:12:39,520 Speaker 3: how we can help make your family happier, you can 296 00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:40,760 Speaker 3: find us on Instagram. 297 00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:42,199 Speaker 4: You can find us on. 298 00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:46,520 Speaker 3: Facebook dot Justin Coulson's Happy Families and Happy Families dot 299 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:48,960 Speaker 3: com dot U is where you can find all the 300 00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:52,120 Speaker 3: info you need to help your family to flourish and thrive. 301 00:12:52,480 --> 00:13:00,320 Speaker 4: Thanks for listening.