Speaker 1: Like no one was thinking of us like in that way,
Speaker 1: remembering like w.
Speaker 2: T, why do you think weddings are attached like ego?
Speaker 1: Though? I really had to deep to speak up for myself. Hey,
Speaker 1: sometimes let's throw.
Speaker 3: Just I'm always always be careful those.
Speaker 2: Hi.
Speaker 1: I'm Amanda and I'm Rumby.
Speaker 2: Welcome to It's Layered Podcasts.
Speaker 1: We are under the Blackcast Network powered by iHeart, and
Speaker 1: we are recording in person in.
Speaker 2: Studio, and we expect the airhorns from you.
Speaker 1: We just need to get that song.
Speaker 2: It's so good to be here and bittersweet studio with
Speaker 2: this beautiful setup by Pink Lady Picnics enjoying our high
Speaker 2: Tea or soft girl life era fully locked and loaded.
Speaker 1: This is our sign to the universe. We want a
Speaker 1: soft life twenty twenty five, and we wish a soft
Speaker 1: life twenty twenty five for you and you and you,
Speaker 1: especially if you're a black woman.
Speaker 2: Yeah, especially black women. We're not please, We're not God's
Speaker 2: from the Soldiers twenty five. We're tired.
Speaker 1: We've checked out.
Speaker 2: We have played that role for too long. Agree Now
Speaker 2: we need to lean into a feminine energy and enjoy life.
Speaker 1: But am I agree? One thousand percent. And speaking of
Speaker 1: feminine energy, we're gonna talk about a topic that is
Speaker 1: something that I guess where supposedly we dream about into
Speaker 1: a little girl's I didn't really do this, but apparently,
Speaker 1: and we're gonna be talking about wedding, wedding taking down
Speaker 1: that aisle? Did you dream about it as a little girl,
Speaker 1: like my wedding's gonna be like this, this or the other? Really?
Speaker 1: I think.
Speaker 2: I think I love to party, definitely have a good time,
Speaker 2: but wedding involves family.
Speaker 1: So immediately I was like, it's shot byed know this one?
Speaker 2: And also you like see a typical Zimbabwean wedding where
Speaker 2: you have rice, chicken and cortloads and you cook the
Speaker 2: night before and for women.
Speaker 1: Of stress, stress, stress, stress stress.
Speaker 2: So I think you know when you I was lucky
Speaker 2: enough to take part in a lot of those growing
Speaker 2: up that I just every wedding just made me think.
Speaker 1: Not for me like work. This looks like work. You
Speaker 1: basically sound like a wedding hater, but you you love
Speaker 1: a good wedding. This is true.
Speaker 2: The African planning wedding Yeah, stressful.
Speaker 1: So how did it go for you? Can you give
Speaker 1: us a bit of like a backstory of what was
Speaker 1: you know.
Speaker 2: It's so funny because unintentionally we did like a COVID
Speaker 2: wedding before COVID even happening. Yeah, twenty nineteen, so obviously
Speaker 2: way before. It's so funny because my husband had been
Speaker 2: like twenty twenty when we got engaged twenty eighteen, late
Speaker 2: twenty eighteen. It's like, twenty twenty is a good ring
Speaker 2: to it, and we can have time to save up,
Speaker 2: you know, for a wedding, but whatever we want to do.
Speaker 2: And I was like, Jack, I'm not being engaged to
Speaker 2: you for that long, like that'd be over a year,
Speaker 2: and I just you know, we were just doing a
Speaker 2: lot of things financially at the time. We were thinking
Speaker 2: of getting our first house together. So I remember thinking,
Speaker 2: and then what how we do it? Like you'd have
Speaker 2: to save all the money because you know, when you're
Speaker 2: getting a more god, when you're getting a mortgage, they
Speaker 2: look at all your innings and goings with your money
Speaker 2: and they want to see stability. I was like, well,
Speaker 2: how would that makes sense if we're doing this huge
Speaker 2: financial draining thing. And then moreso like which one, So
Speaker 2: why don't we just get the wedding out of the
Speaker 2: way and then you know, hunkered down to get our
Speaker 2: first house. So I remember we were like, I was like,
Speaker 2: oh yeah, let's just do it next year. You know,
Speaker 2: let's just do it. So it literally was just like
Speaker 2: one step after the other in terms of wasn't really intentional,
Speaker 2: but we definitely knew we wanted to honor because my
Speaker 2: husband's from Germany, I'm from Zimbabwe.
Speaker 1: We live in Australia.
Speaker 2: We wanted to honor all three spaces and places, but
Speaker 2: they're now when.
Speaker 1: You're doing that, badget the budget and budgets are like.
Speaker 2: And then obviously Roorra, which we spoke about just before
Speaker 2: Rumby's won and previous seasons, we.
Speaker 1: Were like, how do you fit it all in a lot?
Speaker 2: How do you and especially because a lot of it
Speaker 2: was going to fall onto us, like you know, SA
Speaker 2: family can support, but can support so much they can't
Speaker 2: run it all. So when we got to thinking, we
Speaker 2: were like, okay, maybe we would just do Roorra in Zim,
Speaker 2: an engagement party in Hamburg which Rumby also came to,
Speaker 2: and then do like a long table dinner after having
Speaker 2: a civil ceremony in Perth. So that is literally what
Speaker 2: we did you know those COVID weddings you saw people
Speaker 2: just strip it back. Yep, just you and you're very
Speaker 2: very close few, or go to quarters, just you and
Speaker 2: your witnesses and then after doing dinner. That is literally
Speaker 2: what we did. So we're trend set ups, guys, just
Speaker 2: letting you know for real, but unintentionally we set that
Speaker 2: trend not knowing then when twenty twenty happened, you can
Speaker 2: best believe I gave my husband a side I like,
Speaker 2: I know at all because twenty twenty would not have worked.
Speaker 2: But yeah, even that sounds complicated right that every week
Speaker 2: we were in a different location, but it just worked
Speaker 2: so well for us, and it made it accessible for
Speaker 2: all our family and friends. Almost gave you no excuse,
Speaker 2: right one of them you had one of the locations.
Speaker 2: Ye surely if you're in our life, you're in one
Speaker 2: of those close to one of those three locations. But
Speaker 2: it's not to say when you do it small that
Speaker 2: doesn't come with its own stresses, true, which we'll get.
Speaker 1: Into for sure. So yeah, but how about you room bed?
Speaker 1: Did you do? So? You know people always ask me
Speaker 1: like would you do it again? And I say no,
Speaker 1: I say to my husband all the time, you better like,
Speaker 1: this is it. If you leave me or I leave you,
Speaker 1: I'm not doing it again. But it was beautiful, don't
Speaker 1: get me wrong. We had Aurora traditional wedding and then
Speaker 1: we had a white wedding similar to you, again honoring
Speaker 1: the different cultures going to Zimbabwe to do our honoring
Speaker 1: our traditions there. If you haven't listened to the RTA episode,
Speaker 1: go find it, as Amanda said a couple of seasons back.
Speaker 1: And then we had essentially the white I struggle called
Speaker 1: white wedding, like but the sort of court wedding, not
Speaker 1: even what people would call the white and where you
Speaker 1: sign your papers. We had it in the Czech Republic,
Speaker 1: obviously honoring that my husband is check and listen, I
Speaker 1: agree with you. The family aspect, we were kind of
Speaker 1: fortunate because in Zim at the time this was twenty
Speaker 1: twenty two April, it was those that'd hunker down for
Speaker 1: COVID then open things up like it kept on and off.
Speaker 1: So the maximum number of guests at the time for
Speaker 1: an outdoor event was two hundred and fifty people, which
Speaker 1: I know a lot of people are like, that's a
Speaker 1: lot of people, but zoom for zoom it's not typically
Speaker 1: five hundred plus exactly, So that helped dwindle down the numbers.
Speaker 1: And I think tapping on family to help with different
Speaker 1: like logistical aspects of it helps a lot. I remember
Speaker 1: sourcing a lot of things from South Africa because Zimbabwean
Speaker 1: prices just do not make sense. I had the help
Speaker 1: of a good friend of mine and my sister who
Speaker 1: sourced and then shipped things over. That helped a ton.
Speaker 1: And having it in my parents' garden, so like the
Speaker 1: celebration because essentially what I wanted to do was to
Speaker 1: say to my parents, this is your day. So the
Speaker 1: actual wrought up proceedings and that happened with a much
Speaker 1: smaller group and was more intimate. Then everyone comes and celebrates, which.
Speaker 2: Is quite typical I mean the same year, because there's
Speaker 2: like certain roles people have to play and not everyone
Speaker 2: is invited to that. It's very I think always has
Speaker 2: been very nuclear for that part, our version of nuclear.
Speaker 2: And then then you have people lunch everyone. But I
Speaker 2: love how I mean we talked about our own the episode.
Speaker 2: It has kind of circled back and become more predominant,
Speaker 2: yes than a while before.
Speaker 1: For sure, because it used to be like if people
Speaker 1: just did, people will be like, huh, but now we
Speaker 1: all overstand the cost of weddings.
Speaker 2: Why do you think there's a pressure to have a
Speaker 2: wedding even in mondern society? Like surely why? I think
Speaker 2: COVID it boils.
Speaker 1: Back to that little girl thing when you're a little girl,
Speaker 1: like you dream of this day. And obviously capitalism capitalizes
Speaker 1: on people's dreams, right, so as soon as you say
Speaker 1: anything as a wedding. So for a lot of things,
Speaker 1: especially with RA I got other people to just say
Speaker 1: I need this for my check wedding. I said, I'm
Speaker 1: going to someone's wedding, not it's mine, just for cost implications.
Speaker 1: So I think that's why so expensive people know you
Speaker 1: will go all out, just like how businesses capitalize on parents,
Speaker 1: knowing that parents want to give their children the best,
Speaker 1: so they're willing to fork out. Yeah, I don't know
Speaker 1: what you think.
Speaker 2: And I think it's like so somehow whatever really marketed
Speaker 2: this like stuck it down hour Like you can't even
Speaker 2: imagine not having one. It's like if you don't have one,
Speaker 2: are you really married?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: You know, And I think COVID a whole freaking pandemic
Speaker 2: is what made people think o atually, actually it's just
Speaker 2: a legal binding document can do in a legal office.
Speaker 1: This really is a band, that's it.
Speaker 2: Especially if you're not religious, you know, you can just
Speaker 2: go with your witness and you're married.
Speaker 1: And I think people had almost forgotten that.
Speaker 2: And I mean we we obviously for logistics did that,
Speaker 2: but now I think we're circling back to the ramping
Speaker 2: up and now and I think it's also aspirational for
Speaker 2: some reason. People definitely use it as a couple of
Speaker 2: move made our mark. You know, you see in a
Speaker 2: group of principle which I app each other with things
Speaker 2: copy each other.
Speaker 1: I mean Kim Kadeshian and things like I got married
Speaker 1: and to him.
Speaker 2: So like everyone throughout whether your celebrity all the way
Speaker 2: is just weddings are just like.
Speaker 1: And it's supposed to be a mid day similar you
Speaker 1: know how someone some people will be like Rachel and
Speaker 1: then it's like it's their birthday, yeah, and they really
Speaker 1: like try and like show up, like look at me,
Speaker 1: celebrating me. I think it's a sign that people don't
Speaker 1: feel seen all the time, celebrated all the time, where
Speaker 1: some of I was like cowering, like I remember when
Speaker 1: you asked me what do you want for your bachelor
Speaker 1: and I was like, I just want my p around.
Speaker 1: Like I think it's a sign that maybe people feel
Speaker 1: not seen or celebrated and family it's a family emblem.
Speaker 2: Oh yes, you know, because the family also feels the
Speaker 2: need to step in. Remember the friends waiting, They were like, oh,
Speaker 2: should we do know alcohol? And the dad's eyes almost
Speaker 2: boulge out of his head, like how are we gonna
Speaker 2: do this wedding with my friends?
Speaker 1: There? Rolling deep, no sober, nope.
Speaker 2: And then you know, obviously zimbabwe especially and I'm sure
Speaker 2: a lot of people know about this. Zimbabweans are known
Speaker 2: for drinking, reputation for drinking.
Speaker 1: So now it's like to have fun without it.
Speaker 2: So I think also for family, like I don't have
Speaker 2: that feeling yet with jeromy is probably way too young,
Speaker 2: but I wonder when it comes.
Speaker 1: Along where I'm like I have to have it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we even see some families out gifting each other.
Speaker 1: Also, speaking of family, how does I how does one
Speaker 1: navigate all the demands of family, demand of friends, Because
Speaker 1: now you're seeing the example is like families saying we
Speaker 1: don't want alcohol in the dad saying but my homies.
Speaker 1: How do you expect siblings, spouse, and yourself when you're
Speaker 1: planning and having.
Speaker 2: Do you navigate the do you someone's going to be upset? Yep, yep,
Speaker 2: you should know. I mean it depends what I personally are.
Speaker 2: I think this is where that brings her to the forefront.
Speaker 2: Some people are like, ah, my parents are planning everything
Speaker 2: and I'm just along for the ride, especially if they're
Speaker 2: financially providing.
Speaker 4: Yes.
Speaker 2: Then some people are like, I wanted this way. I've
Speaker 2: thought about it ever since I was a little girl. Yes,
Speaker 2: you know, it's like such an array. I don't know
Speaker 2: how I think for self, you have to just be
Speaker 2: able to communicate with your people and be honest, especially
Speaker 2: about your budget and your expectations. I would personally say,
Speaker 2: just to make sure that everything is done, it's done properly.
Speaker 2: You have to obviously say these are my limits, this
Speaker 2: is what I can do, this is what I can't do.
Speaker 2: But really, as Rumby said, expect disappointment. Expect people to
Speaker 2: think you need to provide everything that they've ever thought
Speaker 2: of as your own wedding.
Speaker 1: How did you navigate? Oh, if you can give.
Speaker 2: Us, I think I was really honest so see you
Speaker 2: can imagine when we had the chat, I started chat
Speaker 2: with all my tetters. I barely chat to talk about Rora.
Speaker 2: Then once we were having that chat, I was like, oh,
Speaker 2: by the way, the wedding is two weeks later and
Speaker 2: it's you're you guys are not going to be like
Speaker 2: it's super small. And because we're choosing between Rora and
Speaker 2: a wedding, which one, I pretty much gave them the choice,
Speaker 2: but I knew what they would choose, so I kind
Speaker 2: of played the game. Family is really, especially as a
Speaker 2: publican family really rooted in Rorra and it's that's more personal.
Speaker 2: So I knew they would choose to do that. And
Speaker 2: there's this perception that you can always do a wedding later. Yes,
Speaker 2: you can always do a wedding when you're more financially stable,
Speaker 2: or even for go one if things are really tough
Speaker 2: or family can't rally around you. So I gave them
Speaker 2: the choice because I can't do both, choose one. They
Speaker 2: chose Rara, and then once they did that, I kind
Speaker 2: of knew, Okay, now the wedding is just for me
Speaker 2: and our Australian family.
Speaker 1: Which our refriends.
Speaker 2: But it was definitely not a like there was a
Speaker 2: bit of pushback. They're like, oh, so Germans don't get married,
Speaker 2: and they're like, read what but then they don't do race.
Speaker 2: It was like back and forth, back and forth, and
Speaker 2: then eventually it was like sunk in and I think
Speaker 2: I almost use like the threat all, but then we
Speaker 2: also don't have to do anything. Hey, like y'all and
Speaker 2: Zimbabweans are like, that's the end of the world and
Speaker 2: I'm here in Australia, Oh, you're not already married. This
Speaker 2: is like so I think I just used a bit
Speaker 2: of practicality and also finances at the end of the
Speaker 2: day is what answer did for us us because it
Speaker 2: was like, okay, you can have your opinion, but how
Speaker 2: much are you forking out.
Speaker 1: To help us with that said opinion?
Speaker 2: And then when people realize, oh, I have to financially contribute,
Speaker 2: you realize people didn't Oh yeah, what you're doing is fine, great,
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, good idea. You know, oh you're also
Speaker 2: getting to Germany on ah, great idea.
Speaker 1: And the opinion you are almost forced to be less
Speaker 1: because they're not fucking out, yes exactly, all dependent on
Speaker 1: you on news. So that's almost like the benefit if
Speaker 1: you are financing your own weddings. Yeah, as opposed to you.
Speaker 2: So it was like, okay, okay, that's fine, Oh this
Speaker 2: is new, you know, and and there, and there's a
Speaker 2: running joke now my family that yeah, we were ahead
Speaker 2: of the time and we knew COVID was happening because
Speaker 2: we did like a COVID style wedding before. But yeah, really,
Speaker 2: even if COVID hadn't happened, that's what we had chosen
Speaker 2: to do.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and it worked for us. And that's the thing.
Speaker 2: That's the thing with weddings. You have to make it
Speaker 2: work for you. Whatever that looks like it's for you.
Speaker 2: And so you know, you go to some weddings and
Speaker 2: you're like, oh this theme, oh this press them or
Speaker 2: whatever it.
Speaker 1: Is, like how did you come up with?
Speaker 2: But then it's so then true, So I feel like
Speaker 2: you weddings, I guess there are a form of identity.
Speaker 1: People use them to show what type of couple they are.
Speaker 1: They are That definitely helped in terms of like our
Speaker 1: having to be foot the bill and so that helped.
Speaker 1: With the say and with numbers, you're managing number room,
Speaker 1: how did you manage numbers? Like you said, honestly and
Speaker 1: like some straight shooting, some straight talks and kind of
Speaker 1: giving quotas to different sides of the family, saying like
Speaker 1: this is all we have because in Europe, unfortunately, you
Speaker 1: pay per head. It's not like in Zoom where you
Speaker 1: can just make it, make a plan and then having
Speaker 1: to allocate. Of course, some folks who rubbed the wrong way,
Speaker 1: but we also had to be honest to ourselves. We
Speaker 1: wanted to live after the wedding, so it's you almost
Speaker 1: have to learn to step up. And I think what
Speaker 1: helped was we were aligned with my husband like on
Speaker 1: what we were about, and that was a very key.
Speaker 1: So we never ever thought or argued like oh but
Speaker 1: I wanted like we had agreed on how we wanted
Speaker 1: things to be, and it was just like getting everyone
Speaker 1: else on yeah yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2: But did you have to because obviously did you have
Speaker 2: to equalize numbers? Like how did numbers I'm just trying
Speaker 2: to think. Obviously for the Rora usually typically zim site
Speaker 2: of course, and obviously in zo I guess Tom would
Speaker 2: have autumn, But for check, how did you work that?
Speaker 1: So I just said it was their side now running
Speaker 1: and you need to equalize. So they shouldn't feel overpowered. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know with the ZIM squad, but I mean they
Speaker 1: still did to some degree. But yeah, it was really
Speaker 1: like it's there's time to shine and budget.
Speaker 2: Yeah, to be fair, Why do you think weddings are
Speaker 2: attached like ego though? Because I feel like, you know,
Speaker 2: I kind of touched upon that saying, you know, people
Speaker 2: feel like that's the.
Speaker 1: Time to shine. Why do you think it's so? It
Speaker 1: really is the event that all eyes on you and
Speaker 1: people get to see you who you are, you and
Speaker 1: your person Like I think, so it's like I want
Speaker 1: to come across or position myself this way in this light.
Speaker 1: And so it is really much about like perception. If
Speaker 1: you think about egos, all about how I'm perceived, how
Speaker 1: I look to the world. I want to look a
Speaker 1: certain way and be understood a certain way. It's a
Speaker 1: lot to do that. And then culturally, for us, I
Speaker 1: think family see it as a rite of passage that
Speaker 1: your child goes through this. And then comparison culture, which
Speaker 1: we've spoken about in previous episodes, also plays a part.
Speaker 1: Because my friend did this, I want to look even
Speaker 1: better than they did, and they did this, and I
Speaker 1: want to do even more than they, So it's all
Speaker 1: keeping up with the Joneses. It's all kind of people
Speaker 1: will think I'm not this if it doesn't look like that,
Speaker 1: so and so and so forth. I remember even at Rhora,
Speaker 1: I wanted, you know, to wear pants, and I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: what will people say? And I was adamant that my
Speaker 1: bridal team wore pants. And then I wore dress for
Speaker 1: like the blessing, but I still change into pants. So
Speaker 1: it's like you're always like compromise, compromising and so on.
Speaker 1: And then I refused to like a head rapper. I
Speaker 1: was like, it's not just it's not going to happen,
Speaker 1: so it's yeah, things like that. It's funny like some
Speaker 1: things are just expected of you.
Speaker 2: But like, what do you think when it comes to
Speaker 2: friendships though, because I feel like, okay, family, I guess,
Speaker 2: as you said right off passage and typically in our
Speaker 2: culture with family, they do it for someone else. So
Speaker 2: we notice that, like even even me, some weddings where
Speaker 2: the mom kuru that's like the older uncle or the
Speaker 2: mom nini younger uncle who walk you down the aisle,
Speaker 2: not the actual dad. And then maybe I'm guessing your
Speaker 2: actual dad would have done the same for their your
Speaker 2: cousins essentially, or you know, speeches are done by instead.
Speaker 1: Of your actual like I do think sometimes was like
Speaker 1: to get back, like I've done for everyone else, so
Speaker 1: it's my time to get back. It's almost like an investment, yes,
Speaker 1: but you know, like in the Western world you invest
Speaker 1: like money into accounts that that realize and you know,
Speaker 1: an appreciation there's you know, but like it's like I
Speaker 1: gave X amount of this person's so now when my
Speaker 1: child's getting married, they're gonna bring this back. And it's
Speaker 1: like it's not guaranteed that.
Speaker 2: Yes, some people will be like, oh if you people
Speaker 2: give you if you you know, and you're like, what
Speaker 2: if they don't.
Speaker 1: Yes, So that came up as well around like oh,
Speaker 1: you can just like take the money from gifts. You
Speaker 1: get to pay for extra people we need, And I
Speaker 1: was like, no, that's like bad like bad finance, financial planning.
Speaker 2: But you know, with friends, why do you think our
Speaker 2: ego like I reckon.
Speaker 1: People?
Speaker 2: Also the friends want to feel special, yes, and like
Speaker 2: if you're part of the bridal party or if you're not,
Speaker 2: if you're planning the hands or making the close like.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2: And also a bit of the I did yours, you
Speaker 2: do mine starts to happen. But then also family structures,
Speaker 2: like some people will be like only if they have
Speaker 2: lots of sisters, all my sisters and my bridesmaids. But
Speaker 2: then if they're friends don't have sisters or and it's like, okay,
Speaker 2: but you were my bride's maid, like don't you. It's
Speaker 2: always so funny. All these awkward conversations.
Speaker 1: Have to happen, and I don't think you ever really
Speaker 1: have that conversation with friends, Like so when it's my wedding,
Speaker 1: this is how I'm seeing it, and you will unfortunately
Speaker 1: not be because you don't really have that happens, and
Speaker 1: you kind of have to be like, well, this this
Speaker 1: is how it's happening. Do you understand what There's a.
Speaker 2: Lot of assumptions we're friends. Of course, I'm going yeah,
Speaker 2: but in mind.
Speaker 1: But you don't necessarily have that, so yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2: Why do you think it's socially acceptable for wedding to
Speaker 2: like leave people in financial ruin because we all know,
Speaker 2: I mean you said it yourself.
Speaker 1: Like with the gifts, people were like, oh, if you
Speaker 1: get gifts and.
Speaker 2: You can cover the cost, but you're already paid for
Speaker 2: the cost, so you're ready and you may never reach
Speaker 2: And what if that gift doesn't come through you when
Speaker 2: you get pots and pans instead of.
Speaker 1: Do you think it's keeping up with the Joneses thing
Speaker 1: and it only comes by once and we know with
Speaker 1: the statistics around marriage and divorce it's no. But yeah,
Speaker 1: I really think it is kind of like if not
Speaker 1: for this, then what we don't have? Other events we
Speaker 1: don't have like you've like retired, Like maybe certain birthdays
Speaker 1: like fortieth, fifty and sixtieth you do, but there's no expectations.
Speaker 1: There's no this like when you're sixty you have to
Speaker 1: have this huge party. Yeah, it may be common, but
Speaker 1: weddings it's like this is the one time you throw
Speaker 1: it all out there and go big or go home. Yeah.
Speaker 1: And I think the fact that, for instance, you can
Speaker 1: get loans for weddings shows that it's all like capitalizing
Speaker 1: on people's desire to have maybe what is not within
Speaker 1: their regions. Yeah time.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think like social media doesn't help as well,
Speaker 2: because now you're comparing yourself to a celebrity like yes,
Speaker 2: and you're like, oh they did this in Italy.
Speaker 1: Ah my guy, I'd be seeing all these tuscan I'm
Speaker 1: like all these places and you're like, guy.
Speaker 2: But and also the funny thing is, and I think
Speaker 2: even like courte niy Kodashian talking about that showed this,
Speaker 2: some of those weddings can be sponsored, like I think
Speaker 2: torturing Bana like literally so things like you are comparing
Speaker 2: yourself even even they're not paying for their wedding.
Speaker 1: You know, isn't that just insane? I don't know.
Speaker 2: It's like sometimes I'm like, are we okay as the people?
Speaker 1: We're not? And I think we're gonna be studied. I'm
Speaker 1: scared to you know, sometimes you look back in history
Speaker 1: and you're like, what were they thinking? We are definitely
Speaker 1: going to be a generation where they're like what were
Speaker 1: they thinking? Yeah? Yeah, yeah. What are the realities of
Speaker 1: wedding planning that often aren't spoken about? Because I feel
Speaker 1: sometimes you just like fumble into You're like, WHOA, I
Speaker 1: do not I never expected this.
Speaker 2: I think family dynamics, like true, talk about that, family
Speaker 2: dynamics like whether even if your parents are still together,
Speaker 2: whether if you're like now in a single parent home
Speaker 2: or your parents are remain whatever, this whatever your setup is,
Speaker 2: it truly brings that all, if there's any unspoken conversations,
Speaker 2: any unspoken drama, any of that, if there's alcoholism in
Speaker 2: the family, if there's whatever it is, stinginess, people don't
Speaker 2: want to.
Speaker 1: Help like whatever it is.
Speaker 2: Yes, it's just like brings it all up to the surface.
Speaker 2: You're like, oh, yeah, you really don't roll with me,
Speaker 2: or well you really do roll with me, semple just
Speaker 2: hunkered down and help you with anything and everything you
Speaker 2: need for wedding, you know.
Speaker 1: So it's just and I think also then finances is
Speaker 1: a big reason why that these dynamics come to the forefront,
Speaker 1: because anything to do with the money brings out different
Speaker 1: sides of people that maybe you don't.
Speaker 2: Necessarily be on a daily definitely, And yeah, you're so right,
Speaker 2: And I think we don't want to be judged. So
Speaker 2: people will be like, oh, we're not going to get
Speaker 2: that cater or we're not going to get this or
Speaker 2: that because of this and that. And you're like huhmm, yeah,
Speaker 2: you know, we're going to get married in the church
Speaker 2: because my church buddies can't you know, you can't just
Speaker 2: do a garden wedding.
Speaker 1: What is that? You know?
Speaker 2: So it's like I don't know if I feel like
Speaker 2: it's it's like we use weddings as a way to
Speaker 2: be like, oh, this is how you are in the world,
Speaker 2: this is you.
Speaker 1: I agree, but it's not. And I think for me,
Speaker 1: another reality of wedding planning is that what you envision
Speaker 1: is not necessarily what always happens, or you don't always
Speaker 1: you're always able to materialize that. It could be financially,
Speaker 1: it could be service providers wise, it could be something happens,
Speaker 1: or you know, certain family members aren't there, that your
Speaker 1: father can't walk you down the aisle, Yeah, do you understand?
Speaker 1: And and sometimes in those moments you have to let
Speaker 1: that go. There's a lot of letting letting go. I
Speaker 1: think that we don't compromise your lies. Yes, And also
Speaker 1: you're not marrying yourself. Yeah, so like you imagine you're
Speaker 1: wrappling these thoughts your husband. Most husbands probably aren't, but
Speaker 1: you know they're also going to bring their dynamics to
Speaker 1: the forefront, right Whereas like even with friendships, I remember,
Speaker 1: I've been to so many weddings with it, Oh my
Speaker 1: my partner only has two friends.
Speaker 2: And then you're like, I'm rolling five deep. Who do
Speaker 2: I drop off the marital list now because or or
Speaker 2: vice versa, you only have two girlfriends and you got
Speaker 2: to rustle up three more, you know. So I find
Speaker 2: that I don't know, but it's just it brings every
Speaker 2: eat and every dynamic of your life comes.
Speaker 1: And within yourself to start grappling, like expectations versus reality
Speaker 1: and all these kinds of things. How do you reckon
Speaker 1: people should feel if they're not asked to be a bridesmaid.
Speaker 1: I think it's normal to feel like you if you
Speaker 1: wanted to be there for that person that you couldn't.
Speaker 1: I mean, if I think of your wedding, I was
Speaker 1: able to be at your engagement party, but because I
Speaker 1: was starting my life and you in the Czech Republic,
Speaker 1: I couldn't make it to the Australian wedding. And it's
Speaker 1: something I will always know, like I never got to
Speaker 1: be there, but at the same time it was the
Speaker 1: best decision. Yeah, but I don't even think like that,
Speaker 1: And so like I think I showed up for you
Speaker 1: in the way, so I understand the feeling. And I
Speaker 1: remember when you thought you could make my wedding, like
Speaker 1: I understood your feeling of it. But I think it's
Speaker 1: also like the way it's supposed to be. It will
Speaker 1: be the way it's supposed to be. And the most
Speaker 1: important thing for you as a friend to a friend
Speaker 1: getting married is for you to be happy for them
Speaker 1: and support them. There are enough stresses around them and
Speaker 1: for you to be like, oh, why wasn't I, Why
Speaker 1: wasn't I. It adds like a sour taste to what
Speaker 1: already a complex. So I think it's normal to feel
Speaker 1: that way. But I think there are other ways to
Speaker 1: show up. You can write a letter, you can you know,
Speaker 1: do a video, you can give them. There's so many
Speaker 1: different ways you can show up if you're thoughtful, and
Speaker 1: I think people still underestimate the importance of thoughtfulness beyond
Speaker 1: just like monetary. But there's ways when you can show
Speaker 1: up for those you love in like unique ways that
Speaker 1: say you still care and support them. It could be
Speaker 1: running around with them, it could be Yeah.
Speaker 2: I think lots of friendships fracture around weddings, which is
Speaker 2: so it's almost ironic, right, we were celebrating love and
Speaker 2: then people like simple tell you that she was my
Speaker 2: bridesmaid and it was horrible. We weren't vibing and I
Speaker 2: haven't talked to her since my wedding, so like, but
Speaker 2: it was a wedding, yeah, you know. And I think
Speaker 2: also like even people do ask you to be part
Speaker 2: of the bridal team doesn't almost necessarily mean it's like
Speaker 2: this amazing thing.
Speaker 1: Sometimes you're like now.
Speaker 2: Stressful, Yeah, now you're stuck with them, but like that,
Speaker 2: or you're financially also putting in Like I think, as
Speaker 2: you're saying about my wedding, I never thought that about you.
Speaker 1: I think I automatically knew. Of course.
Speaker 2: I think that was what I was quite grateful about
Speaker 2: with our wedding. Were quite realistic of where of how
Speaker 2: things work. Yes, I mean even my own families weren't
Speaker 2: in the one Australia because who's about to be doing
Speaker 2: a visa? And like we just was too much admin.
Speaker 2: So I guess it's like but obviously you personally would think,
Speaker 2: oh it would have been nice, But I think you
Speaker 2: have to also have a touch of realism for sure.
Speaker 1: And that's similar the thing when you thought you could
Speaker 1: make it, I completely understood. And even like inviting people,
Speaker 1: people were like, oh, sorry, I can't come. I was like,
Speaker 1: it's fine, I don't want to put you out because
Speaker 1: these things add up especially when you're in the age
Speaker 1: of like, way everybody is getting married around you. But
Speaker 1: based on our experience and what you've learned through getting
Speaker 1: married and all that, what do you wish you'd known
Speaker 1: about weddings before? And what would you advise your younger
Speaker 1: self on.
Speaker 2: Communicate honest, communicating to you about what about everything? So,
Speaker 2: like we're talking about bridal party, if you do have
Speaker 2: a homie who's like making a joke like, oh, I
Speaker 2: can't wait at your wedding and you know they're not
Speaker 2: going to be one, Like, let's start also be as
Speaker 2: you know needs, Yeah, planting seeds or explaining a situation. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I think once people like feel they like I feel
Speaker 2: like when people are blindsided, that's when this problem starts.
Speaker 2: So whether it's financially blindsided, like oh I didn't realize
Speaker 2: that my bridesmaid I have to pay for it?
Speaker 1: D D D DA DA dad, Like, be honest.
Speaker 2: Okay, girls, girlies, if this is what you know, if
Speaker 2: this is what I'll be expecting, you're gonna maybe forg
Speaker 2: off your own dress. It's gonna be a detonation wedding.
Speaker 2: It's gonna always be. But then also realize in doing
Speaker 2: that that you're gonna get the feedback back and then
Speaker 2: how you deal with that. So if someone says, oh, sorry,
Speaker 2: I really can't afford these loose button shoes you want
Speaker 2: us to all wear? Yeah, and then what does that
Speaker 2: understand it? Do you know either you pay for them
Speaker 2: or you don't. Do you put that within your budget
Speaker 2: or not? So I feel like it's open honesty in
Speaker 2: every aspect, but especially like obviously relationships or relational telling
Speaker 2: your parents if something's gone too far or you know,
Speaker 2: it's just be prepared for awkward, honest conversations, don't avoid them. True,
Speaker 2: because whichever way it's gonna come to roost, bra.
Speaker 1: And you've hit the nail, the nail on the head
Speaker 1: around like, be prepared to stand up for yourself. There's
Speaker 1: one thing I would give myself advice on is like
Speaker 1: trust yourself and know you are your best advocates. Yeah,
Speaker 1: in those situations. I think something I learned during our
Speaker 1: wedding process is that you can be generous in how
Speaker 1: you approach your wedding, but don't expect everyone around you
Speaker 1: to be.
Speaker 2: Selfless or like make you, make you priority. They also
Speaker 2: want to feel they.
Speaker 1: Also have their own sort of agenda, and.
Speaker 2: You should probably be a bit more selfish. It's probably
Speaker 2: what I would say and communicate with your partner. Chair
Speaker 2: sometimes he doesn't get the dynamics and it's.
Speaker 1: Like, oh, why don't we just do it? That's not
Speaker 1: how this family or you know. So there's so many
Speaker 1: little things. I'm like, we should have just been like whatever.
Speaker 1: I would have gone on honeymoon immediately after. I think
Speaker 1: we travel with my parents because it was their first
Speaker 1: time to the check Republic. Wouldn't do that again.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I was actually gonna ask something definitely, what would
Speaker 2: be like, guys, I love you, I'm out, because I
Speaker 2: ended up being very frustrated, like spending so much time
Speaker 2: in post proximity with my parents doing everything for them
Speaker 2: after we like.
Speaker 1: Had really labored on the way labored on the wedding day,
Speaker 1: and I think I really felt that loneliness for our
Speaker 1: check wedding. We did a lot of work, the two
Speaker 1: of us. We had wedding planners, thank goodness. Uh, but
Speaker 1: I mean my husband had to go pick up his
Speaker 1: parents and drive them to the vein like no one
Speaker 1: was thinking of us like in that way, and I
Speaker 1: remembering like wtf, Like that really hosting hosting. It brought
Speaker 1: to light and my system. She came about like a
Speaker 1: week or two early. She was like, you guys are
Speaker 1: really doing this alone? And I was like, yeah, so
Speaker 1: I think that was an eye opener. Would you do
Speaker 1: different than in that aspect, I'd be like, you're figuring
Speaker 1: yourselves out, like we planned like transport from the thing
Speaker 1: and the people are like, no, I'm gonna come from there. No,
Speaker 1: the honeymoon. Definitely would do it alone. And Yeah, a
Speaker 1: bit more adamant on certain things we wanted though. I
Speaker 1: think I was quite clear on what I did or
Speaker 1: did not want, but I really had to dig deep
Speaker 1: to speak up for myself, especially with family on certain things,
Speaker 1: which is hard, especially we don't speak like that where
Speaker 1: we come from. Yeah, definitely you just accept for sure. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 1: And last one, as we wrap this, if you could
Speaker 1: do it all over again, what would you do exactly
Speaker 1: the same? And what would you forego?
Speaker 2: Wow, exactly the same, exactly the same. Probably still going
Speaker 2: to the three destinations over three weeks because I feel
Speaker 2: like we saw a lot of people along our journey
Speaker 2: who at certain aspects of our relationship have been there. Yeah,
Speaker 2: So like everyone got to play homage or you.
Speaker 1: Know, the party.
Speaker 2: So definitely, very very happy We've got to do. It's
Speaker 2: a lot of planning, especially when you're traveling and the
Speaker 2: jet like yo, but you know it, I was very
Speaker 2: grateful and I've got to show myself's family Zimbabwe as well.
Speaker 2: So I think it was it was that part I
Speaker 2: would do exactly the same. It was just so beautiful
Speaker 2: for going, I think being a bit relaxed about creating memories,
Speaker 2: so especially for Zimbabwe. A lot of my family since then,
Speaker 2: I've since passed away. I mean COVID then happened, so
Speaker 2: I think not having like a videographer or an official photographer.
Speaker 2: Obviously we took photos on their phones, yes, but I
Speaker 2: should have probably just gone that extra step. Even though
Speaker 2: it was Rora and Rota mine June twenty nineteen to now,
Speaker 2: it's changed very as drastically changed, which I'm really happy about.
Speaker 2: But at the same time, it also means that there
Speaker 2: was some stuff that's so standard now that wasn't then. Yes,
Speaker 2: and forgetting a videographer and a photographers. Definitely, And I've
Speaker 2: had some cousins of mine we're like, oh my god,
Speaker 2: last person I saw, last time I saw that person
Speaker 2: sutural like, so it seemed like it bought a lot
Speaker 2: of people in my family just by chance together to
Speaker 2: get that and to not have proper documentation for that
Speaker 2: is a bit sad.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 2: And then the same thing happened in Germany. Same thing.
Speaker 2: I didn't have an official photographer or a videographer. Same
Speaker 2: thing in Perth. You know, we had friends chipping and
Speaker 2: help us, but like I should have. It's now it
Speaker 2: seems like such a silly cost that I could have
Speaker 2: just paid for. But at the time I thought, oh,
Speaker 2: I can't be bothered, you know, and obvious I would
Speaker 2: have to have three different sets of teens. There was
Speaker 2: three different so I just thought, I'm a long list
Speaker 2: of things to do. It just fell way way down.
Speaker 2: But then now it's one of the last thing things
Speaker 2: that could have had, you know what I mean. So
Speaker 2: I feel like, yeah, definitely, please get a hodeographer and photographer.
Speaker 1: We'll just do it for your for your tenure.
Speaker 4: Yeah yeah, yeah again, But like yeah, I just it's
Speaker 4: it's sweet memories I have of all these people, but
Speaker 4: now they're just in my head because a lot of
Speaker 4: people showed up and we're really grateful but we don't
Speaker 4: actually have good documentary.
Speaker 1: But I will say, at least you still have that memory.
Speaker 1: I do know how to treat it. Like imagine you'd
Speaker 1: be like, well, I'm not doing any of this, Like
Speaker 1: I still have that for sure, that memory for me.
Speaker 1: I think I loved both my weddings. I think my vision.
Speaker 1: I was very like sure on what I wanted, and
Speaker 1: I think I love that I paid a much to
Speaker 1: like Zim like I'm we ate out of metal plates
Speaker 1: and what I remember. My mom was like huh and
Speaker 1: I literally was like, yep, I know what I want
Speaker 1: and I knew it. Even the tint if I tell
Speaker 1: you how we panted for that tint to the stretch
Speaker 1: tint and they're like, no, just get this, and I
Speaker 1: was like, no, I.
Speaker 2: Knew they want to get the standards the standard, but
Speaker 2: like I just hadn't we had like hey for people
Speaker 2: to sit on during them bliss all these things. It's
Speaker 2: like trusting my vision, and I think it was a
Speaker 2: good reminder that you do have that create bone and
Speaker 2: like there's something there and to trust.
Speaker 1: Again, I keep saying, trusting yourself. I think it's a
Speaker 1: big thing because then I can still sit here and
Speaker 1: be like, I'm so happy with that turned out. I
Speaker 1: would change what I said about the honeymoon and all
Speaker 1: that dynamic for sure. And I think I would invite
Speaker 1: more friends. Okay to which one to our check wedding.
Speaker 1: I think I would invite more friends because friends have
Speaker 1: really shown up more in a lot of ways than family,
Speaker 1: which is a really interesting thing because I think our parents'
Speaker 1: generation we were talking about this, it was a different dynamic.
Speaker 1: Family showed up. But for me, I found that friends
Speaker 1: really show up the most. So I would definitely shift
Speaker 1: that around. And but yeah, I'm glad we timed it all.
Speaker 1: We did two in one year, which is mad. I mean,
Speaker 1: you did three in like a couple of weeks. But yeah,
Speaker 1: and I wouldn't have been so generous, That's what I'll say,
Speaker 1: with your time, with your with our money, or I
Speaker 1: think I love how like general we were with our
Speaker 1: like rides maids and team, because obviously we're there because
Speaker 1: you guys had our back, But there's some things I'm like,
Speaker 1: we didn't need to do all that team too much
Speaker 1: too much.
Speaker 2: Yeah it was beautiful, so we appreciate whatever it was
Speaker 2: you were doing.
Speaker 1: But I yeah, yeah, this has been good, like going
Speaker 1: back down memory. Yeah, because we talked about but we
Speaker 1: never had this.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we talked about dating, we talked about marriage, but
Speaker 2: like I think I was just Scott waiting.
Speaker 1: Yeah, because it's draining.
Speaker 2: It is very draining, and you're almost like for you
Speaker 2: and I were such planners live in your head. Yeah,
Speaker 2: and sometimes even on the day to keep your mind
Speaker 2: the days or day and to keep your minding yourself
Speaker 2: to actually enjoy your hard labor after plannel. But we
Speaker 2: were up at two am for my cooking and the
Speaker 2: time you're like serving that.
Speaker 1: Food like you're best eating it and enjoy this. But like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I definitely did that and it was the best decision
Speaker 1: because it was the most perfect two days, like it
Speaker 1: could not have Like I enjoyed it. Things didn't work out,
Speaker 1: like our translator for the check wedding didn't arrive, but
Speaker 1: I was calm. You know, the dance floor thing. You
Speaker 1: didn't realize. I was fine, like, yeah, don't be a
Speaker 1: bright dance but didn't come.
Speaker 2: You see, these are things that yeah, you don't know
Speaker 2: until you're having a good time.
Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly. AnyWho, but yeah, thanks so much, thanks for listening.
Speaker 1: Let us know how your wedding.
Speaker 2: Please, what advice you would give the thick of planning
Speaker 2: a wedding.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's by you. You can do this. You can
Speaker 1: do this. Just try to do it once in your life.
Speaker 1: He is left flow when you do the guys. Free
Speaker 1: audio post production
Speaker 3: By ourphonic dot com