1 00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:09,480 Speaker 1: Today on the Happy Families podcast, something that you may 2 00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:13,520 Speaker 1: not have heard about before. It's called the region Beta paradox, 3 00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:16,440 Speaker 1: the region Beata paradox. Kylie, do you like that when 4 00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:18,760 Speaker 1: I use those really big words, it's something very useful. 5 00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:20,360 Speaker 1: Have you heard of the region Beata paradox? 6 00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:23,520 Speaker 2: Come on, this is not a doctor's desk. No, what 7 00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:24,320 Speaker 2: are you doing? 8 00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:29,560 Speaker 1: Stay with us? OK, here's the very short version of 9 00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:31,360 Speaker 1: what the region Beata paradox is and why it applies 10 00:00:31,360 --> 00:00:33,440 Speaker 1: to parenting. There are these things in life that are 11 00:00:33,479 --> 00:00:36,040 Speaker 1: mildly annoying, but we put up with them. A case 12 00:00:36,080 --> 00:00:38,519 Speaker 1: in point, I've got a headlight on my car that 13 00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:41,720 Speaker 1: is flickering at the moment, and it's annoying, but it 14 00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:43,440 Speaker 1: seems like it's going to be more annoying to have 15 00:00:43,479 --> 00:00:45,559 Speaker 1: to go into the shop and get it fixed up, 16 00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:49,400 Speaker 1: because headlights on cars are annoying and there's stuff, and 17 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:52,000 Speaker 1: so I'm just dealing with the flickering headlight. But when 18 00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:54,000 Speaker 1: I drive at night, it looks like I'm flashing people 19 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:55,720 Speaker 1: and the cars in front of me like flashing with 20 00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:58,440 Speaker 1: my headlights. Just want to clarify that, and that can 21 00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:00,480 Speaker 1: become embarrassing. And I've had a couple will give me doo. 22 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:02,560 Speaker 1: It looks like they think that I'm telling them they're 23 00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:06,320 Speaker 1: not driving well and it's leading to problems. Here's another example. 24 00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:08,880 Speaker 1: I saw knee, but it's not bad enough to see 25 00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:09,319 Speaker 1: the doctor. 26 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:14,440 Speaker 2: What about the dripping drip drip outside my window? Oh, 27 00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:17,200 Speaker 2: the guter that leaks, the gutter that leaks. Yeah, yeah, 28 00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:19,680 Speaker 2: the pile of stuff is it's amazing. It's like the 29 00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:20,640 Speaker 2: smallest sound. 30 00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:22,360 Speaker 1: I'll make your deal that you can hear. I'll make 31 00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:25,280 Speaker 1: a deal. You fix up the pile of pictures and 32 00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:26,759 Speaker 1: mess that you've got in the corner of my office 33 00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:28,520 Speaker 1: that's been driving me crazy for a couple of months, 34 00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:31,399 Speaker 1: and I'll do something about the gutter. 35 00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:33,560 Speaker 2: I can't believe you're saying that we've just painted the 36 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:35,640 Speaker 2: walls and you don't want holes back in there, so. 37 00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:39,600 Speaker 1: The region beata paradox is this over time, these more 38 00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:41,880 Speaker 1: mild discomforts, like. 39 00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:44,240 Speaker 2: The way you leave socks under the table. 40 00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:48,560 Speaker 1: All these mildlin discomforting to put the toilet seat down, relationships. 41 00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:50,600 Speaker 2: Hey, I will steal my pillow. 42 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:52,680 Speaker 1: Can I just be really clear. I am very good 43 00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:54,760 Speaker 1: with the toilet seat and have been for twenty seven years. 44 00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:57,840 Speaker 1: Sometimes I'm very very good with that. Six daughters, and 45 00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:03,760 Speaker 1: let's move on. These mild discomforts and these mild challenging 46 00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:06,760 Speaker 1: relationships can end up lasting much longer to. 47 00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:08,200 Speaker 2: Say, our challenge our relationship. 48 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:11,480 Speaker 1: No, no, no, no, we've got a podcast to do here. 49 00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:13,480 Speaker 1: This is getting a little bit challenging. I'm going to 50 00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:16,360 Speaker 1: start that again. What I said was the paradox the 51 00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:18,840 Speaker 1: region beata paradox is very very simple. 52 00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:21,440 Speaker 2: I have to lighten this up. It's not a doctor's desk. 53 00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:21,680 Speaker 2: You know. 54 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:26,960 Speaker 1: These mild now I can't even speak. These mildly challenging things, 55 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:32,560 Speaker 1: or these mildly challenging relationships and people can end up 56 00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:36,800 Speaker 1: becoming very very very challenging across the long term and 57 00:02:36,919 --> 00:02:39,560 Speaker 1: cause you more upset and more damage than a situation 58 00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:41,840 Speaker 1: or a person or an event or a leaky gutter 59 00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:45,600 Speaker 1: if you just go and deal with it. Like but 60 00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:48,680 Speaker 1: we think that it's you get the really acutely upsetting 61 00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:50,520 Speaker 1: stuff and you act on it. 62 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:53,440 Speaker 2: Wait, but it's a squeaky will. It's that that concept, right, 63 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,000 Speaker 2: The squeaky will gets the most attention. 64 00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:56,839 Speaker 1: Well, I don't know, because the gutter is a squeaky will, 65 00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:59,280 Speaker 1: but it's not quite squeaky enough. No, that's the point. 66 00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:02,679 Speaker 1: It's not urgent exactly. So something that is quite acute 67 00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:06,040 Speaker 1: and upsetting you take action straight away and you resolve it, 68 00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:10,079 Speaker 1: and then the distress doesn't last. But the cumulative total 69 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:11,960 Speaker 1: of the days and the weeks and the months and 70 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:15,840 Speaker 1: the years of that drip drip drip, that makes it 71 00:03:15,919 --> 00:03:18,960 Speaker 1: all too much. And what I want to talk about 72 00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:21,480 Speaker 1: today is how this applies in parenting, how it applies 73 00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:24,040 Speaker 1: in relationships, how it applies for couples. Because I think 74 00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:25,960 Speaker 1: that the region beata paradox is one of the most 75 00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:29,480 Speaker 1: interesting psychological phenomenon that nobody ever talks about. 76 00:03:29,639 --> 00:03:31,839 Speaker 2: So that's why it needs a bit of name. 77 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:33,799 Speaker 1: Well, we're three and a half minutes in and I've 78 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:35,560 Speaker 1: only just finished the description of what it is, which 79 00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:38,480 Speaker 1: is not a good indicator of where this podcast. Okay, okay, 80 00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:41,680 Speaker 1: I'm blaming you. I could have had that done in 81 00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:43,640 Speaker 1: thirty seconds. You've really made that. 82 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:48,080 Speaker 2: Up to Parents sometimes overlook those minor annoyance all the. 83 00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:51,240 Speaker 1: Time because they think that it's insignificant compared to a 84 00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:55,280 Speaker 1: major problem. And so our child's wingy, whiny thingy, we 85 00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:57,080 Speaker 1: just kind of go, all right, I'll deal with it 86 00:03:57,200 --> 00:03:58,800 Speaker 1: later because I'm tired and I've got other things on 87 00:03:58,840 --> 00:04:01,880 Speaker 1: my plate, and so we don't. We don't deal with it. 88 00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:06,280 Speaker 2: So I'm thinking of one of our daughters. She's always 89 00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:09,960 Speaker 2: had an anxious disposition, and I talked to you about 90 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,200 Speaker 2: it and you said, no, no, it'll be fine. 91 00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:14,880 Speaker 1: Yeah, we're handling it. We're handling it. 92 00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:19,479 Speaker 2: But over time it's actually it has exacerbated, it has 93 00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:22,280 Speaker 2: gotten worse, and we've actually needed to seek medical attention. 94 00:04:22,839 --> 00:04:24,520 Speaker 1: So what he's saying, maybe if we'd addressed it earlier, 95 00:04:24,520 --> 00:04:27,520 Speaker 1: I feel like I'm about to have some fingers pointed 96 00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:27,760 Speaker 1: at me. 97 00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:30,200 Speaker 2: No, it's not a finger pointing thing, but it's an 98 00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:33,040 Speaker 2: acknowledgment that sometimes we look at these things and kind 99 00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:34,960 Speaker 2: of just brush it off. I don't know how many 100 00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:37,600 Speaker 2: times the parents kind of said to me, I thought 101 00:04:37,600 --> 00:04:39,680 Speaker 2: they just rolled over and hurt themselves, and two days 102 00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:41,120 Speaker 2: later take them to the doctor's. 103 00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:42,760 Speaker 1: Got a broken art and they've got a broken arm. Yeah. 104 00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:44,800 Speaker 2: So it's really hard because there's a fine line. Right, 105 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:48,040 Speaker 2: you go the other way and you become a helicopter 106 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:50,760 Speaker 2: parent who jumps on every symptom and. 107 00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:55,080 Speaker 1: Drives everyone crazy. The kids. If you speak about the 108 00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:57,600 Speaker 1: issue with the anxiety with this particular daughter. I think 109 00:04:57,640 --> 00:05:00,000 Speaker 1: you're right. I mean, I've got a pH d in psychology. 110 00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:02,320 Speaker 1: I'm saying, yeah, there's definitely something going on here. But 111 00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:04,480 Speaker 1: we've got this, like, we've got the skills, we've got 112 00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:07,279 Speaker 1: the capacity to deal with this. And yet when you 113 00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:10,159 Speaker 1: dismiss that whining or the interrupting or the anxiety or 114 00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:12,440 Speaker 1: the nerves or whatever, it's just a phase if you 115 00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:15,480 Speaker 1: leave it unaddressed, as we discovered with our child, even 116 00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:18,200 Speaker 1: though we are pretty well equipped to manage this stuff. 117 00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:21,760 Speaker 1: I thought, these behaviors can become habitual, and they can 118 00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:24,080 Speaker 1: cause distress for the child. They can cause dysfunction, they 119 00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:26,960 Speaker 1: can strain relationships. You get a child who, let's see, 120 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:30,640 Speaker 1: you've got an ADHD kid constantly, constantly interrupting. And what 121 00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:33,320 Speaker 1: happens is if we don't help them, and if we 122 00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:35,760 Speaker 1: don't work through things here and create an environment that's 123 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:38,760 Speaker 1: going to be supportive and help them to function effectively, 124 00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:42,160 Speaker 1: maybe they struggle to listen attentively in school or social 125 00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:45,200 Speaker 1: situations and that exacerbates things for them. 126 00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:47,640 Speaker 2: Again, I think it's really important to understand that small 127 00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:50,320 Speaker 2: annoyances and our children can have a significant impact on 128 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:55,200 Speaker 2: the dynamic within our family, yes, or the child's development 129 00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:56,960 Speaker 2: if left unaddressed. 130 00:05:57,040 --> 00:05:59,039 Speaker 1: And that's the main thing that I'm really highlighting. It's 131 00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:03,479 Speaker 1: not you get this region Beater paradox where you're saying, Okay, 132 00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:05,800 Speaker 1: it's annoying, Okay, I'll deal with it one day. If 133 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:07,520 Speaker 1: it gets any worse, I'll go and see the doctor. 134 00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:09,120 Speaker 1: I'll go and see the psychologists, go and see the 135 00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:13,040 Speaker 1: school counselor. But that day never really arrives until kaboom, 136 00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:15,040 Speaker 1: and then it becomes really acute. But that might be 137 00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:17,159 Speaker 1: a couple of years down the road. And you've created 138 00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:22,880 Speaker 1: these patterns. You've created these systems, and potentially inadvertently created, 139 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:24,840 Speaker 1: with the best of intentions, a whole lot of dysfunction 140 00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:28,160 Speaker 1: around the relationship or just in the child because it 141 00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:33,320 Speaker 1: hasn't passed that threshold of discomfort. It's been mildly annoying 142 00:06:33,839 --> 00:06:36,400 Speaker 1: but not uncomfortable enough to act on, but it really 143 00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:38,080 Speaker 1: needed to be acted on. It's like when you hurt 144 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:40,200 Speaker 1: your knee and you'd rather limp on it for two 145 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,719 Speaker 1: and a half years before you go and see the surgeon. Right. 146 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:45,839 Speaker 2: It's interesting because as we're talking about this I'm actually 147 00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:49,760 Speaker 2: thinking about one of our daughters. When she was younger, 148 00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:53,960 Speaker 2: she actually said very few words for the first three years, 149 00:06:55,279 --> 00:07:00,360 Speaker 2: and then literally woke up on her third birthday only 150 00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:04,720 Speaker 2: given us single word responses to everything for three years 151 00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:06,960 Speaker 2: and says, mum, can I have a drink of water? 152 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:10,840 Speaker 2: And it blew us away. But from that moment on 153 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:14,200 Speaker 2: she has not stopped talking. She's an adult now, she 154 00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:18,360 Speaker 2: has not stopped talking at a rapid pace. But after 155 00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:21,760 Speaker 2: her her next sister came along and she was the same. 156 00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:23,880 Speaker 2: We hardly got any words out of here, and I 157 00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:26,920 Speaker 2: just thought, oh, okay, we're following a pattern. Everything will 158 00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:29,920 Speaker 2: be fine. She was a completely different child, and we 159 00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:34,080 Speaker 2: ended up spending significant time and years with her in 160 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:34,920 Speaker 2: speech pathology. 161 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:36,800 Speaker 1: Yeah. I think she was maybe six or seven before 162 00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:39,560 Speaker 1: she was speaking properly. It was a really big deal. 163 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:43,520 Speaker 1: But we let that go because the previous experience, Yeah, 164 00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:45,840 Speaker 1: and because we thought she was kind of making progress 165 00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:48,840 Speaker 1: until we realized, hang on this, there is a threshold here, 166 00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:50,920 Speaker 1: and we probably need to lower our threshold and get 167 00:07:50,960 --> 00:08:00,840 Speaker 1: help earlier. As a result, there's something else to consider 168 00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:04,280 Speaker 1: here as well, and that is the constant barrage of 169 00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:08,600 Speaker 1: minor stresses like whining, and like sibling squabbles and the 170 00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:12,920 Speaker 1: bedtime battles and the fussy eating. They can also it's 171 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,840 Speaker 1: not just about the child's function and how well they're doing. 172 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:19,640 Speaker 1: They can also impact our well being and contribute to burnout. 173 00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:23,400 Speaker 1: It's kind of for a parent, it's like Chinese water torture. 174 00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:26,960 Speaker 1: It's like death by a thousand cards. Every single one 175 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:29,600 Speaker 1: of these small stresses just keeps on chipping away at 176 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:33,040 Speaker 1: our patients and our energy. We become exhausted, we become irritable, 177 00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:37,840 Speaker 1: we become sometimes resentful towards our children. And that again, 178 00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:40,600 Speaker 1: is this region beat a paradox. We probably need to 179 00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:44,280 Speaker 1: talk about solutions, but I just find it. It's such 180 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:46,000 Speaker 1: a fascinating thing and I want to make sure that 181 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:47,559 Speaker 1: we explain it properly well. 182 00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:49,920 Speaker 2: I think the biggest challenge is then when we feel 183 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:52,200 Speaker 2: stressed as parents, our kids pick up on that, and 184 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,400 Speaker 2: then it adds to the stress and the cycle of 185 00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:59,120 Speaker 2: negativity that we're experiencing. And when we're stressed, we're not 186 00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:02,840 Speaker 2: at our best does so we're reacting harshly to our kids. 187 00:09:02,880 --> 00:09:06,080 Speaker 2: Like there's so many different dynamics that we look at. 188 00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:08,800 Speaker 1: When you're just saying this. The US Surgeon General put 189 00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:11,400 Speaker 1: out a health advisory warning on parenting. He literally said, 190 00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:14,560 Speaker 1: parenting can be bad for your mental health. Be careful, 191 00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:19,360 Speaker 1: don't go into this blindfolded as a really really serious thing. 192 00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:23,320 Speaker 2: Okay, so you've got a psychology PhD. Right, How can 193 00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:28,839 Speaker 2: parents reframe their perspective on these small, minor annoyances Because 194 00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:30,880 Speaker 2: it's the kids, it's work stuff, it's school stuff, it's 195 00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:33,920 Speaker 2: financial stuff, and all those bits and pieces hanging over 196 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:35,080 Speaker 2: their heads all the time. 197 00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:37,840 Speaker 1: All right, let's move quickly because our time is running out, 198 00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:39,480 Speaker 1: and we spend a lot of time just talking about 199 00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:42,160 Speaker 1: this paradox. I'm going to give an example. Let's look 200 00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:45,079 Speaker 1: at kids that are being whining, because we've dealt with 201 00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:47,120 Speaker 1: that pretty consistently over the years of most families will 202 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:48,880 Speaker 1: admit that this comes up a lot. So instead of 203 00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:52,000 Speaker 1: seeing whining as defiance or as a kid who isn't 204 00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:54,440 Speaker 1: listening and who isn't getting it, we can view it 205 00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:58,120 Speaker 1: as a way of communicating an unmet need. And so 206 00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:01,240 Speaker 1: this is an empathy opportunity that we're so exhausted that 207 00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:03,239 Speaker 1: we don't want to be doing the empathy. 208 00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:04,839 Speaker 2: But that's it. 209 00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:05,880 Speaker 1: Isn't it. 210 00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:10,600 Speaker 2: We're exhausted as parents. I think across the board, everyone 211 00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:13,600 Speaker 2: I speak to is in the same boat. Even people 212 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:18,200 Speaker 2: that previously I've spoken to are completely content with their 213 00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:22,640 Speaker 2: lives are really feeling the weight and pressure of life 214 00:10:22,679 --> 00:10:24,720 Speaker 2: as we know it now. It's really hard. 215 00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:26,920 Speaker 1: So let me go back to empathy. Okay, we've got 216 00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:29,480 Speaker 1: this behavior that is a bit annoying, and we just 217 00:10:29,679 --> 00:10:31,360 Speaker 1: let it go, let it go, let it go, let 218 00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:33,960 Speaker 1: it go, or alternatively, we crack, which doesn't do anything 219 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:38,120 Speaker 1: for anybody. I actually want to focus on self regulation here. 220 00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:42,400 Speaker 1: Self regulation is vital, it's about intention, but it's also 221 00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:45,840 Speaker 1: taxing to be self regulated. That's a really big challenge. 222 00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:49,600 Speaker 1: The definition of self regulation or emotional regulation is suppressing 223 00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:53,240 Speaker 1: or expressing your emotions appropriately for the context in harmony 224 00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:55,440 Speaker 1: with the values of goals. Okay, so if you blow up, 225 00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:58,720 Speaker 1: you're expressing yourself, but not necessarily. You've got a short 226 00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:00,720 Speaker 1: term goal. You want compliance, you want the kids to 227 00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:03,120 Speaker 1: just be quiet. But the long term goal is quite different, 228 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:04,680 Speaker 1: and that is for our children to be able to 229 00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:08,320 Speaker 1: thrive into to do well here. So we've got to 230 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:12,600 Speaker 1: have honest, empathic, clear conversations with our children, because that's 231 00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:14,200 Speaker 1: going to get us to the long term goal. It's 232 00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:18,640 Speaker 1: the explore, explain, empower conversations. And we can only do 233 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:22,840 Speaker 1: that if we're well regulated, if we're emotionally balanced, and 234 00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:25,640 Speaker 1: I reckon, I reckon that. If we can do that 235 00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:27,679 Speaker 1: model it, we're also going to be much more effective 236 00:11:27,679 --> 00:11:30,520 Speaker 1: at teaching kids the calming techniques they need, like taking 237 00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:33,199 Speaker 1: a deep breath or taking a break. That sort of 238 00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:36,439 Speaker 1: stuff will help as well. And then the region beta 239 00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:39,680 Speaker 1: paradox takes care of itself because people are better regulated, 240 00:11:39,679 --> 00:11:42,679 Speaker 1: people are functioning better. We don't seem to have the 241 00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:44,040 Speaker 1: same challenges. 242 00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:47,120 Speaker 2: So you're making this sound like it's very easy self 243 00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:52,360 Speaker 2: regulation when we've just acknowledged that we are feeling stressed, overwhelmed, 244 00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:57,120 Speaker 2: and exhausted. Yeah, so we need to talk about self 245 00:11:57,120 --> 00:11:59,840 Speaker 2: care because parents can't be self regulated if they're not 246 00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:02,400 Speaker 2: taking care of their own emotional wellbeing. 247 00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:05,880 Speaker 1: Telling me ask you, I mean I travel a lot, 248 00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:07,760 Speaker 1: I'm not here a lot. You're the one that's actually 249 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:11,160 Speaker 1: in the heat of the furnace much more than I 250 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:13,160 Speaker 1: am around this. What would you say about self care? 251 00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:18,760 Speaker 2: You have to be absolutely intentional, and I guess from 252 00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:21,520 Speaker 2: the outside looking in you could even say you have 253 00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:25,680 Speaker 2: to be selfish with some time. I wouldn't call it 254 00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:29,280 Speaker 2: selfishness because I think it's imperative. But it's so easy 255 00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:31,480 Speaker 2: as a mum, and I think mums struggle with it 256 00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:35,280 Speaker 2: more than dad's, no doubt. But it is so hard 257 00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:38,040 Speaker 2: to say I actually need to go for a walk 258 00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:42,000 Speaker 2: for half an hour, because there is a to do 259 00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:44,120 Speaker 2: list that is bigger than you're going to get through 260 00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:46,840 Speaker 2: in any given day anyway, and so the idea that 261 00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:48,320 Speaker 2: you would take a little bit of time out for 262 00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:51,800 Speaker 2: yourself feels like it's a cop out or it's a 263 00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:55,400 Speaker 2: waste of time compared to everything else that needs to happen. 264 00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:58,600 Speaker 2: And I'm watching it more and more with friends and 265 00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:02,439 Speaker 2: family who I don't have time to connect with my friends, 266 00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:06,640 Speaker 2: that is probably one of the biggest self care things 267 00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:09,400 Speaker 2: that we can do as women love it. We need 268 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:13,280 Speaker 2: each other, we need community, but we spend so much 269 00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:16,200 Speaker 2: time being overwhelmed with our to do list that we 270 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:20,400 Speaker 2: scrap that because it's not imperative to the way our 271 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,960 Speaker 2: family functions. Okay, so I think we've got it all wrong. 272 00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:25,040 Speaker 1: So I'm going to wrap this up fairly quickly. Now 273 00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:26,360 Speaker 1: there's one more thing that I want to talk about, 274 00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:28,959 Speaker 1: but just on what you've highlighted with the whole self 275 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:32,840 Speaker 1: care issue, you've tapped into something that's absolutely vital, and 276 00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:36,480 Speaker 1: that is the importance of quality relationships, making sure that 277 00:13:36,559 --> 00:13:39,679 Speaker 1: you make time for other people. That that's really at 278 00:13:39,679 --> 00:13:41,360 Speaker 1: the heart of it. And anything else that you choose 279 00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:43,920 Speaker 1: to do has to be rejuvenating, which would mean in 280 00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:46,360 Speaker 1: ninety nine point nine percent of cases, it should not 281 00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:49,600 Speaker 1: involve your screen. Because your screen it depletes you, it 282 00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:52,240 Speaker 1: de energizes you, it takes you in exactly the opposite direction. 283 00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:54,320 Speaker 1: And if you have a good half an hour sit 284 00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:57,280 Speaker 1: on the couch staring at your screen, you very rarely, 285 00:13:57,320 --> 00:13:59,200 Speaker 1: if ever jump to your feet and say, well I 286 00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:01,199 Speaker 1: feel so much better now, I'm ready to go again. 287 00:14:01,679 --> 00:14:03,920 Speaker 1: You kind of just sit there and feel increasingly depleted. 288 00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:05,800 Speaker 1: It really does zapp your energy. So there are the 289 00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:08,760 Speaker 1: two things that I'd say, build those connections, find ways 290 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:12,079 Speaker 1: to connect with other people, and stay off the screens. Now, 291 00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:13,800 Speaker 1: like I said, there's one more thing that I really 292 00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:15,200 Speaker 1: want to touch on. We are out of time, so 293 00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:17,000 Speaker 1: I have to go through it really fast. But I 294 00:14:17,040 --> 00:14:18,520 Speaker 1: think that it matters a great deal and that's how 295 00:14:18,559 --> 00:14:23,800 Speaker 1: parents can differentiate between typical child behaviors and potential underlying 296 00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:28,920 Speaker 1: issues that require intervention. Okay, this region beata paradox. We're 297 00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:31,240 Speaker 1: looking at this stuff that's annoying, annoying, annoying, annoying. It's 298 00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:33,200 Speaker 1: a niggle niggle, niggle niggle, but we don't do anything 299 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,320 Speaker 1: about it. And we've talked about it in terms of 300 00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:37,600 Speaker 1: anxiety in our family and also ADHD in our family. 301 00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:40,240 Speaker 1: We haven't touched on that, but in both instances there's 302 00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:43,480 Speaker 1: been niggle niggle, niggle, niggle niggle, and we've decided to 303 00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:45,840 Speaker 1: put it off and put it off and put it off. 304 00:14:46,640 --> 00:14:49,840 Speaker 1: In two cases now with our kids, you have been 305 00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:52,120 Speaker 1: the one that picked up on it. I've acknowledged it. 306 00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:54,560 Speaker 1: I've seen that it's there, but I've had that it'll 307 00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:57,840 Speaker 1: be right, we'll just deal with it. I've had that approach, 308 00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:00,920 Speaker 1: whereas you've had a different approach. I've said, it's below 309 00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:04,480 Speaker 1: the threshold, we're handling it. You've stepped in and your 310 00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:08,720 Speaker 1: mama spidy senses have kicked into the point where you've 311 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:10,920 Speaker 1: essentially convinced me to take it more seriously. And you've 312 00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:14,160 Speaker 1: been right both times. So what I would say, is 313 00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:16,960 Speaker 1: this as a parent, when you're dealing with these region 314 00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:19,720 Speaker 1: beta issues and you're concerned that it might be something else, 315 00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,960 Speaker 1: consider the frequency, consider the intensity, Consider the duration of 316 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:26,560 Speaker 1: the behaviors that are drip dripping, and if it's persistent, 317 00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:29,680 Speaker 1: if it's causing significant distress, or if it's interfering with 318 00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:33,400 Speaker 1: function and daily life, it is worth exploring it with 319 00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:36,920 Speaker 1: a professional. You will get better guidance than doing what 320 00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:38,760 Speaker 1: I did and saying it'll be right. 321 00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:42,360 Speaker 2: I think the other thing that's really important. One of 322 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:47,600 Speaker 2: our children has had a significant health challenge for many years. 323 00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:51,880 Speaker 2: But I would go to the doctor regularly and tell 324 00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:54,360 Speaker 2: them that this was not right, what was happening with 325 00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:57,120 Speaker 2: her was not normal, and we would do all of 326 00:15:57,120 --> 00:16:00,120 Speaker 2: the tests and they would all come back clear. And 327 00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:03,800 Speaker 2: I did that for what ten years, at least about 328 00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:07,000 Speaker 2: ten years, because every twelve months, I'd go, we can't 329 00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:08,320 Speaker 2: keep going like this, yep. 330 00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:11,240 Speaker 1: And it's a great example of a reagion beata paradox. 331 00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:15,520 Speaker 2: I think that again, you just have to trust your 332 00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:19,080 Speaker 2: gut on their stuff and keep pushing through onto you 333 00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:19,880 Speaker 2: find the answers. 334 00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:22,240 Speaker 1: Well, that also highlights another reality, and that is that 335 00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:24,240 Speaker 1: it might be above your threshold. But then you go 336 00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:26,360 Speaker 1: and see a medical practitioner or a mental health practitioner 337 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:28,520 Speaker 1: and they say, oh, this is just the minor niggle 338 00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:31,120 Speaker 1: for them, it's a region beata issue and you're going 339 00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:34,000 Speaker 1: but this has been a minor niggle for ten years now. 340 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:36,360 Speaker 1: It needs surgery. If I had a minor niggle in 341 00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,920 Speaker 1: my knee for ten years, I would go and get 342 00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:42,800 Speaker 1: something done about it. So deal with the niggles, get 343 00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:45,040 Speaker 1: on top of them. It matters. The Happy Family's podcast 344 00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:47,640 Speaker 1: is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. For more 345 00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:51,480 Speaker 1: on making your family happier and working on that self regulation, 346 00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:54,040 Speaker 1: check out our social pages on Facebook and Instagram, or 347 00:16:54,120 --> 00:17:02,040 Speaker 1: visit us at happy families dot com dot au