Speaker 1: If you're listening to this podcast from Sydney or Melbourne,
Speaker 1: how excited are we that we're finally out of lockdown
Speaker 1: and have been for the last few weeks. I'm finding
Speaker 1: that it's still sinking in. But I mean, there are
Speaker 1: so many options. We can go back to the pub,
Speaker 1: our friends' houses, to the office and to networking events.
Speaker 1: Even saying that said a bit of a shiver down
Speaker 1: my spine. I am really grateful for the return of
Speaker 1: in person events, but I'm well and truly out of practice.
Speaker 1: And if you're in the same boat, revisiting my chat
Speaker 1: with Marissa King, who's the professor of organizational behavior at
Speaker 1: the Yale School of Management might help, Because what are
Speaker 1: the best types of questions to ask when meeting new people?
Speaker 1: And how can we deepen existing connections with our networks?
Speaker 1: And what is mutually reciprocal self disclosure and why is
Speaker 1: this important for being a great networker. My name is
Speaker 1: doctor Amantha Imber. I'm an organizational psychologist and the founder
Speaker 1: of behavioral science consultancy Inventium, and this is how I work,
Speaker 1: a show about how to help you do your best work.
Speaker 1: On Today is my favorite tip episode. We go back
Speaker 1: to an interview from the past, and I pick out
Speaker 1: my favorite tip from that interview. In today's show, I
Speaker 1: speak with Marissa King, and this excerpt starts with Marissa
Speaker 1: talking about one of the best things that we can
Speaker 1: do that leads to building natural social chemistry.
Speaker 2: There's great research that has shown that one of the
Speaker 2: best things that you can do in a conversation is
Speaker 2: actually ask follow up questions. So asking questions in general
Speaker 2: makes people more likable, but we know that the follow
Speaker 2: up question actually has particular power, and in part that
Speaker 2: because it shows that you're really lessening to the other
Speaker 2: person and so once so now you're your odd numbered island.
Speaker 2: You found someone to talk to, and really just listening
Speaker 2: to them and engaging with them and continuing to ask
Speaker 2: all up questions really not only increases the sense of liking,
Speaker 2: but it deepens the conversation, and the more depth that
Speaker 2: there has to conversation, the easier it is to truly connect.
Speaker 1: That's really interesting. I was intrigued when I was reading
Speaker 1: your book Social Chemistry. You actually talk about that there
Speaker 1: are six types of questions that we can ask, follow
Speaker 1: up questions being the most powerful. Are there any other
Speaker 1: kinds of questions? That can help us get into an
Speaker 1: interesting territory that will lead to those follow up questions.
Speaker 2: I think one of the things that we also know
Speaker 2: about just how conversations normally unfold is there's a secret
Speaker 2: ingredients is also what I think of as mutual reciprocal
Speaker 2: self disclosure. And so there's a great study that was
Speaker 2: done by Arthur Errands which and it famously became like
Speaker 2: the thirty six Questions to fall in Love. But what's
Speaker 2: key about the way that those questions unfold is that
Speaker 2: they get with increasing depth. But what I've found also
Speaker 2: is true is that people will often try to meet
Speaker 2: you where you are. So, for instance, in a conversation,
Speaker 2: if I'm honest and open, that encourages the other person
Speaker 2: to be honest and open to So an example of
Speaker 2: this is a common opening question is like how are
Speaker 2: you doing today? And lots of people right just use that.
Speaker 2: It's a throwaway like oh, I'm good, how are you?
Speaker 2: Or talk about the weather. But to really build a relationship,
Speaker 2: and particularly to accelerate the building the relationship process, you
Speaker 2: need to go far beyond that, right, and you also
Speaker 2: need to go beyond what I could learn by googling
Speaker 2: you or seeing on your CV and so often when
Speaker 2: people ask me that, I tell them truly how I'm
Speaker 2: doing today, and that honesty is usually met with honesty
Speaker 2: and openness. Not all the time, but when it is,
Speaker 2: it really just changes the tenor of the conversation and
Speaker 2: makes connecting far easier.
Speaker 1: So how much would you typically share? Because you also
Speaker 1: talk about you know, research into oversharing and that can
Speaker 1: that can have, you know, not great consequences.
Speaker 2: So how do you sort of.
Speaker 1: Gauge how much to share, how vulnerable to make yourself
Speaker 1: when you are first connecting with someone.
Speaker 2: It's such a good question, and I think that this
Speaker 2: is particularly if you're trying to do this so at
Speaker 2: work or certain situations, understanding what are the constraints, and
Speaker 2: particularly like imagining the other person, because for this to
Speaker 2: be comfortable for everybody, I often say, like, you need
Speaker 2: two things. It's a part of the essential elements for
Speaker 2: these types of conversations, which are safety and structure. Right,
Speaker 2: So the structured interaction part is that we're talking about
Speaker 2: something rather than just open conversation. So this is why
Speaker 2: in general, just having a cocktail party or a work
Speaker 2: event with no purpose it's really really difficult. Instead if
Speaker 2: you're ideally, if we go back to that previous scenario
Speaker 2: and we imagine that we're setting the stage or designing
Speaker 2: this interaction, ideally that there's going to be something to
Speaker 2: talk about the mutual safeground. So if that's true, it
Speaker 2: makes it a lot easier. When that's not true, what
Speaker 2: you're looking for is that you want to engage in
Speaker 2: conversation that's aimed at mutual discovery, but in a place
Speaker 2: that right like, I'm not going to tell you about
Speaker 2: I mean I personally, For instance, I don't really talk
Speaker 2: about my family life. I don't talk about there's lots
Speaker 2: of which a lot of people do, but I'm really private,
Speaker 2: as I mentioned. So the idea is I let you
Speaker 2: know things about myself, maybe where I grew up or
Speaker 2: a really transformative experience. I had a great question to
Speaker 2: ask people, is what are you really excited about right now?
Speaker 2: Because it allows you to tap into passion, it allows
Speaker 2: you to tap into identity, but it's giving the person
Speaker 2: a lot of control over what the boundaries of discussion are,
Speaker 2: which creates the safety that's so essential.
Speaker 1: I hope you enjoyed revisiting this part of my chat
Speaker 1: with Marissa, particularly if you've got some events that you're
Speaker 1: going to in the next few weeks, and if you're
Speaker 1: looking for more tips to improve the way that you work.
Speaker 1: I write a short fortnightly newsletter that contains three cool
Speaker 1: things that I've discovered that helped me work better, which
Speaker 1: range from interesting research through to gadgets and software that
Speaker 1: I'm loving and all sorts of things. You can sign
Speaker 1: up for that at Howiwork dot code that's how I
Speaker 1: work dot co. How I Work is produced by Inventing
Speaker 1: with production support from dead Set Studios. And thank you
Speaker 1: to Martin Nimber who does the audio mix and makes
Speaker 1: everything sound awesome. See you next time.