1 00:00:00,600 --> 00:00:04,160 Speaker 1: If you're listening to this podcast from Sydney or Melbourne, 2 00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:08,200 Speaker 1: how excited are we that we're finally out of lockdown 3 00:00:08,320 --> 00:00:11,119 Speaker 1: and have been for the last few weeks. I'm finding 4 00:00:11,119 --> 00:00:13,960 Speaker 1: that it's still sinking in. But I mean, there are 5 00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:16,840 Speaker 1: so many options. We can go back to the pub, 6 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:22,120 Speaker 1: our friends' houses, to the office and to networking events. 7 00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:25,239 Speaker 1: Even saying that said a bit of a shiver down 8 00:00:25,280 --> 00:00:29,120 Speaker 1: my spine. I am really grateful for the return of 9 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:33,080 Speaker 1: in person events, but I'm well and truly out of practice. 10 00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:36,800 Speaker 1: And if you're in the same boat, revisiting my chat 11 00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:41,000 Speaker 1: with Marissa King, who's the professor of organizational behavior at 12 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:45,440 Speaker 1: the Yale School of Management might help, Because what are 13 00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:49,200 Speaker 1: the best types of questions to ask when meeting new people? 14 00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:53,680 Speaker 1: And how can we deepen existing connections with our networks? 15 00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:58,800 Speaker 1: And what is mutually reciprocal self disclosure and why is 16 00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:07,080 Speaker 1: this important for being a great networker. My name is 17 00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:10,920 Speaker 1: doctor Amantha Imber. I'm an organizational psychologist and the founder 18 00:01:10,959 --> 00:01:15,639 Speaker 1: of behavioral science consultancy Inventium, and this is how I work, 19 00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:18,720 Speaker 1: a show about how to help you do your best work. 20 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:23,160 Speaker 1: On Today is my favorite tip episode. We go back 21 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:25,120 Speaker 1: to an interview from the past, and I pick out 22 00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:28,959 Speaker 1: my favorite tip from that interview. In today's show, I 23 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:32,399 Speaker 1: speak with Marissa King, and this excerpt starts with Marissa 24 00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:35,240 Speaker 1: talking about one of the best things that we can 25 00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:38,679 Speaker 1: do that leads to building natural social chemistry. 26 00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:42,520 Speaker 2: There's great research that has shown that one of the 27 00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:45,679 Speaker 2: best things that you can do in a conversation is 28 00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:49,600 Speaker 2: actually ask follow up questions. So asking questions in general 29 00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:54,240 Speaker 2: makes people more likable, but we know that the follow 30 00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:58,120 Speaker 2: up question actually has particular power, and in part that 31 00:01:58,160 --> 00:02:00,600 Speaker 2: because it shows that you're really lessening to the other 32 00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:05,080 Speaker 2: person and so once so now you're your odd numbered island. 33 00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:08,400 Speaker 2: You found someone to talk to, and really just listening 34 00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:10,800 Speaker 2: to them and engaging with them and continuing to ask 35 00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:14,880 Speaker 2: all up questions really not only increases the sense of liking, 36 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:18,320 Speaker 2: but it deepens the conversation, and the more depth that 37 00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:21,800 Speaker 2: there has to conversation, the easier it is to truly connect. 38 00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:25,120 Speaker 1: That's really interesting. I was intrigued when I was reading 39 00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:28,600 Speaker 1: your book Social Chemistry. You actually talk about that there 40 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:31,640 Speaker 1: are six types of questions that we can ask, follow 41 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:34,919 Speaker 1: up questions being the most powerful. Are there any other 42 00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:39,400 Speaker 1: kinds of questions? That can help us get into an 43 00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:44,320 Speaker 1: interesting territory that will lead to those follow up questions. 44 00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:47,360 Speaker 2: I think one of the things that we also know 45 00:02:47,639 --> 00:02:52,400 Speaker 2: about just how conversations normally unfold is there's a secret 46 00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:56,920 Speaker 2: ingredients is also what I think of as mutual reciprocal 47 00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:59,280 Speaker 2: self disclosure. And so there's a great study that was 48 00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:02,600 Speaker 2: done by Arthur Errands which and it famously became like 49 00:03:02,639 --> 00:03:05,520 Speaker 2: the thirty six Questions to fall in Love. But what's 50 00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:09,320 Speaker 2: key about the way that those questions unfold is that 51 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:12,880 Speaker 2: they get with increasing depth. But what I've found also 52 00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:17,560 Speaker 2: is true is that people will often try to meet 53 00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:20,560 Speaker 2: you where you are. So, for instance, in a conversation, 54 00:03:20,639 --> 00:03:24,520 Speaker 2: if I'm honest and open, that encourages the other person 55 00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:28,000 Speaker 2: to be honest and open to So an example of 56 00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:30,360 Speaker 2: this is a common opening question is like how are 57 00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:33,800 Speaker 2: you doing today? And lots of people right just use that. 58 00:03:33,919 --> 00:03:37,240 Speaker 2: It's a throwaway like oh, I'm good, how are you? 59 00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:40,760 Speaker 2: Or talk about the weather. But to really build a relationship, 60 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:45,200 Speaker 2: and particularly to accelerate the building the relationship process, you 61 00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:47,560 Speaker 2: need to go far beyond that, right, and you also 62 00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:49,720 Speaker 2: need to go beyond what I could learn by googling 63 00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:52,520 Speaker 2: you or seeing on your CV and so often when 64 00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:56,240 Speaker 2: people ask me that, I tell them truly how I'm 65 00:03:56,280 --> 00:04:00,680 Speaker 2: doing today, and that honesty is usually met with honesty 66 00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:03,680 Speaker 2: and openness. Not all the time, but when it is, 67 00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:06,720 Speaker 2: it really just changes the tenor of the conversation and 68 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,360 Speaker 2: makes connecting far easier. 69 00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:12,840 Speaker 1: So how much would you typically share? Because you also 70 00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:18,359 Speaker 1: talk about you know, research into oversharing and that can 71 00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:21,200 Speaker 1: that can have, you know, not great consequences. 72 00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:22,720 Speaker 2: So how do you sort of. 73 00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:26,400 Speaker 1: Gauge how much to share, how vulnerable to make yourself 74 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:28,400 Speaker 1: when you are first connecting with someone. 75 00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:31,240 Speaker 2: It's such a good question, and I think that this 76 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:33,520 Speaker 2: is particularly if you're trying to do this so at 77 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:39,880 Speaker 2: work or certain situations, understanding what are the constraints, and 78 00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:43,640 Speaker 2: particularly like imagining the other person, because for this to 79 00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:48,040 Speaker 2: be comfortable for everybody, I often say, like, you need 80 00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:50,760 Speaker 2: two things. It's a part of the essential elements for 81 00:04:50,839 --> 00:04:54,920 Speaker 2: these types of conversations, which are safety and structure. Right, 82 00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:59,520 Speaker 2: So the structured interaction part is that we're talking about 83 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:03,159 Speaker 2: something rather than just open conversation. So this is why 84 00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:06,320 Speaker 2: in general, just having a cocktail party or a work 85 00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:10,560 Speaker 2: event with no purpose it's really really difficult. Instead if 86 00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:13,320 Speaker 2: you're ideally, if we go back to that previous scenario 87 00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:16,520 Speaker 2: and we imagine that we're setting the stage or designing 88 00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:19,200 Speaker 2: this interaction, ideally that there's going to be something to 89 00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:23,719 Speaker 2: talk about the mutual safeground. So if that's true, it 90 00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:26,200 Speaker 2: makes it a lot easier. When that's not true, what 91 00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:28,039 Speaker 2: you're looking for is that you want to engage in 92 00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:31,719 Speaker 2: conversation that's aimed at mutual discovery, but in a place 93 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:33,920 Speaker 2: that right like, I'm not going to tell you about 94 00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:37,960 Speaker 2: I mean I personally, For instance, I don't really talk 95 00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:43,159 Speaker 2: about my family life. I don't talk about there's lots 96 00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:46,920 Speaker 2: of which a lot of people do, but I'm really private, 97 00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:49,280 Speaker 2: as I mentioned. So the idea is I let you 98 00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:52,279 Speaker 2: know things about myself, maybe where I grew up or 99 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:56,919 Speaker 2: a really transformative experience. I had a great question to 100 00:05:56,920 --> 00:05:59,680 Speaker 2: ask people, is what are you really excited about right now? 101 00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:02,920 Speaker 2: Because it allows you to tap into passion, it allows 102 00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:05,680 Speaker 2: you to tap into identity, but it's giving the person 103 00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:09,960 Speaker 2: a lot of control over what the boundaries of discussion are, 104 00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:12,560 Speaker 2: which creates the safety that's so essential. 105 00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:16,359 Speaker 1: I hope you enjoyed revisiting this part of my chat 106 00:06:16,440 --> 00:06:19,640 Speaker 1: with Marissa, particularly if you've got some events that you're 107 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:22,360 Speaker 1: going to in the next few weeks, and if you're 108 00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:25,320 Speaker 1: looking for more tips to improve the way that you work. 109 00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:28,800 Speaker 1: I write a short fortnightly newsletter that contains three cool 110 00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:31,680 Speaker 1: things that I've discovered that helped me work better, which 111 00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:35,400 Speaker 1: range from interesting research through to gadgets and software that 112 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:37,960 Speaker 1: I'm loving and all sorts of things. You can sign 113 00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:40,919 Speaker 1: up for that at Howiwork dot code that's how I 114 00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:44,640 Speaker 1: work dot co. How I Work is produced by Inventing 115 00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:47,800 Speaker 1: with production support from dead Set Studios. And thank you 116 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:50,440 Speaker 1: to Martin Nimber who does the audio mix and makes 117 00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:53,920 Speaker 1: everything sound awesome. See you next time.