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Speaker 1: Hey, lady, is doctor dom here. If you like this

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Speaker 1: show and you want to make your own, let me

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Speaker 1: tell you about the free platform Anchor. It's a creation

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Speaker 1: right from your phone or computer. You can add songs

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Speaker 1: are looking for. Anchor will distribute it all for you

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Speaker 1: so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and more.

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Speaker 1: Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor dot

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Speaker 1: fm to get started.

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Speaker 2: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.

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Speaker 1: It is normal and natural for us to have moments

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Speaker 1: when we are pissed off, hurt, betrayed, disappointed, all of

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Speaker 1: those things, enraged even by our mothers. It is okay

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Speaker 1: to have any of those feelings, but you have to

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Speaker 1: be real and honest with yourself that that is what's happening, Like, oh,

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Speaker 1: she didn't show up for my graduation. Not only am

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Speaker 1: I hurt, but I am pissed. And until you acknowledge that,

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Speaker 1: it will be difficult for you to heal from that

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Speaker 1: because you're not allowing yourself the space to be with

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Speaker 1: whatever the feelings are.

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Speaker 2: Today's episode is sure to provide you with motivation, inspiration,

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Speaker 2: or a fresh perspective. If you have any AHA moments

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Speaker 2: or appreciate anything from this episode, please leave us a

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Speaker 2: review to let us know we're on the right track. Also,

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Speaker 2: we release episodes every Friday, so be sure to subscribe

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Speaker 2: on iTunes and visit cultivatingherspace dot com to access our

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Speaker 2: exclusive after show and other bonus content from the Patreon tab.

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Speaker 1: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting

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Speaker 1: women like you. We're your hosts, doctor Dominique Broussard, a

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Speaker 1: college professor and psychologist.

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Speaker 2: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. In a

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Speaker 2: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood, please

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Speaker 2: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from

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Speaker 2: five roids to fake friends, and create a safe space

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Speaker 2: where black women can just be Hey, lady, it's Terry

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Speaker 2: here from Cultivating her Space. Are you tired of working

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Speaker 2: hard for your money? Do you want your business to

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Speaker 2: run smoothly when you're out of office? If you want

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Speaker 2: to learn how to automate your business cash flow and

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Speaker 2: increase your impact and influence, join me from our free

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Speaker 2: workshop at Brandwi. Terry dot com again. It's brand with

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Speaker 2: Terry dot Com. My name is spelled te double ri.

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Speaker 2: I hope to see you there, lady.

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Speaker 1: Our quote of the day. In troubled families, abuse and

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Speaker 1: neglect are permitted, it's the talking about them that is forbidden.

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Speaker 1: T Are you ready for this conversation today?

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Speaker 3: Girl?

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Speaker 2: I am as ready as I'm going to be. No,

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Speaker 2: I am, I'm excited and I'm ready. I think it's

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Speaker 2: a conversation that our listeners have asked about, you know,

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Speaker 2: they've been wanting us to have a conversation about the

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Speaker 2: mother daughter relationship and the potential complexities, and so yes, girl,

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Speaker 2: let's dive on in.

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Speaker 1: So speaking of our listeners and just women that we

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Speaker 1: know in general, what are some of the themes that

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Speaker 1: you or patterns that or commonalities that you have noticed

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Speaker 1: in talking with other women about their relationship with their mom.

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Speaker 2: Well, me personally, there are a lot of women that

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Speaker 2: I've known that I've talked to who've had tumultuous relationships

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Speaker 2: with their moms and that shows up in a variety

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Speaker 2: of ways and has impacted them in many different ways

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Speaker 2: as well. But I also know so many women that

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Speaker 2: have amazing relationships with their moms. Like I know so

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Speaker 2: many women who are like best friends with their moms,

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Speaker 2: and I think that is so amazing. And even my doula,

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Speaker 2: the doula that my husband and I are working with

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Speaker 2: for the birth of our baby, it's a mother daughter

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Speaker 2: business like this, mom and daughter have a doula business together. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: and I believe the doula actually delivered her grandbabies if

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Speaker 2: I'm not mistaken. And I'm like, that is I mean,

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Speaker 2: how amazing is that down to be that close and

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Speaker 2: in tune with your mom, that she's able to be

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Speaker 2: that person for you. I admire that so much and

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Speaker 2: I think it's amazing. But I think that it really

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Speaker 2: runs the gamut as far as what I've seen by

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Speaker 2: way of how women cann with their moms. What about you?

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Speaker 1: So I've seen all of that too, But then also

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Speaker 1: what I've seen just working with different age groups, but

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Speaker 1: most most of my work has been with college age population.

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Speaker 1: What I've seen is a lot of transition in the

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Speaker 1: mother daughter relationship journey, right, So I've seen instances where

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Speaker 1: as young women are coming into themselves in terms of

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Speaker 1: adulthood and independence and just being their autonomous selves. That

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Speaker 1: kind of leads to or can lead to complications in

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Speaker 1: the relationship with mom, right because now you're in a

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Speaker 1: space where maybe who you're becoming doesn't align doesn't agree

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Speaker 1: with who mom is and how she's raised you. And

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Speaker 1: so what I've seen is that that can put some

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Speaker 1: distance between the mother daughter relationship, and then as time

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Speaker 1: goes on, that mother daughter relationship finds its way back

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Speaker 1: to what it was at previous times, where mom and

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Speaker 1: daughter are close again because maybe maybe daughter has had

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Speaker 1: her own kids, and so then there's this different understanding

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Speaker 1: that comes. But then also maybe daughter hasn't had her

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Speaker 1: own kids, but maybe mom and daughter have come to

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Speaker 1: an understanding of mutual love and respect for one another

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Speaker 1: that allows them to have a beautiful relationship and acknowledge

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Speaker 1: the similarities and differences that are there. But I've seen

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Speaker 1: just through the lifespan how that can be a journey

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Speaker 1: for folks.

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Speaker 2: That's a really good point. I think it can be

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Speaker 2: common for a child parent relationship because I think I've

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Speaker 2: heard about guys who had that moment where they kind

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Speaker 2: of like them and their dad. They kind of have

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Speaker 2: a moment of like he's coming into his manhood, his

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Speaker 2: dad is trying to you know, it's like the ego

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Speaker 2: and it's like coming into yourself and you're trying to

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Speaker 2: establish that independence. And I also have noticed that with women,

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Speaker 2: So I'm glad you pointed that out. I know I've

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Speaker 2: had a moment for me with my family in general,

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Speaker 2: but specifically I would say with my mom and my grandmother.

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Speaker 2: WHI I've had to have conversations with them at different

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Speaker 2: points in my life where it was like it was

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Speaker 2: like the umgrown conversation. But that's not my style. I

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Speaker 2: did it, you know, in a certain way, but it

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Speaker 2: was like I am paying my own bills, like I'm

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Speaker 2: out of the house, like I'm taking care of business.

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Speaker 2: There are boundaries I put in place, and you can't.

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Speaker 2: You can't dictate this part of my life, right right, Yeah,

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Speaker 2: I totally understand that. Well, what I'll say is that, Lady,

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Speaker 2: I today have the privilege of sitting on Dom's proverbial

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Speaker 2: couch to unpack some of the trauma, the anger, and

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Speaker 2: the beauty in the mother daughter relationship that I have

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Speaker 2: with my mom. And I know before we dive in,

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Speaker 2: and I give you context on our relationships so you

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Speaker 2: can kind of understand where I'm coming from I know

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Speaker 2: that dom has a disclaimer that she wants to share.

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Speaker 1: Yes, you know, I want to make clear that this

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Speaker 1: episode is not in this conversation that we're about to

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Speaker 1: have is not a replacement for therapy. Right that Terry

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Speaker 1: has been doing her own work. Let's just make it

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Speaker 1: clear to everybody listening. Dom is not Terry's therapist. Okay,

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Speaker 1: but you know, this conversation is one that Lady, if

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Speaker 1: you're listening and you're like, I'm having issues in my

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Speaker 1: relationship with my mom, this conversation can be a model

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Speaker 1: or an example for how you may want to bring

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Speaker 1: things forward to your therapist or your overall support system.

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Speaker 1: To have this conversation.

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Speaker 2: I love it. Thank you down for always making sure

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Speaker 2: that we are being honest and on point on the

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Speaker 2: podcast and letting folks know about their you know, the

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Speaker 2: fact that this is not a replacement for therapy. I

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Speaker 2: do want to say before preparing for this conversation or

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Speaker 2: before having this conversation, there was a lot of preparations

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Speaker 2: that I did on my end. Now, Domini, behind the scenes,

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Speaker 2: we've been talking about having this conversation for a while,

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Speaker 2: but I was not in the mental space to hop

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Speaker 2: up on the mic and have this conversation. Previously there

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Speaker 2: were times, I mean, as you can imagine, as you

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Speaker 2: go through a relationship with your mom and you have

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Speaker 2: a tumultuous relationship, which is my case, there are so

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Speaker 2: many emotions that come up, and so the previous times

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Speaker 2: when we talked about exploring this topic, I was like,

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Speaker 2: I'm petty right now, I'm angry right now, Like I

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Speaker 2: have all these emotions that I didn't think would serve

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Speaker 2: me or the community, And so I just want to

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Speaker 2: talk through what I did to prepare and then see

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Speaker 2: what feedback you have. Don is I share those things?

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Speaker 2: The first for me was meditation and so getting really

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Speaker 2: clear myself on the intention for the conversation, like.

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Speaker 1: What is the goal here? Right?

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Speaker 2: And we get so much feedback from other women that

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Speaker 2: are like, can y' all talk about mother daughter relationships?

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Speaker 2: And I mean when you think about our mothers, in

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Speaker 2: most cases, that's the woman that we are I guess

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Speaker 2: love first, right, or the person that we in most

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Speaker 2: cases want to emulate because it's our example of a womanhood,

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Speaker 2: you know, for at least the beginning of our lives.

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Speaker 2: And so for me, it was like, how can we

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Speaker 2: have this productive conversation to like you said, provide either strategies, tips,

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Speaker 2: or tools to empower other women to either have these

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Speaker 2: conversations with their therapists or just gain a fresh perspective

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Speaker 2: in general, right on how someone else is dealing with

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Speaker 2: stuff behind the scenes, because we're about to get real today, Okay.

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Speaker 2: The second is clearing my energy by writing letters and

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Speaker 2: releasing anger and disappointment and discussed, yes, discuss all of

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Speaker 2: the feelings, okay, and any other emotions that came up.

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Speaker 2: And I would also say sitting with my anger and disappointment.

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Speaker 2: I think a lot of times we live in a

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Speaker 2: world where we're told to either deny our feelings, we're

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Speaker 2: shamed for the feelings that we have, or we are

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Speaker 2: in denial. And it's like, oh, I'm not angry. Oh

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Speaker 2: I don't have rage in my heart. No I don't

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Speaker 2: want to, you know, go cust somebody out, you know

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Speaker 2: what I mean, Like, we deny those feelings, And for me,

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Speaker 2: it was so important for me to sit with that,

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Speaker 2: sit with that shit, and feel those emotions. And as

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Speaker 2: I work through therapy, one thing I learned Dom is

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Speaker 2: that it's okay to be angry. You have every right

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Speaker 2: to be angry about what happened, what didn't happen, who

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Speaker 2: didn't show up, this, and that, whatever it is, you

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Speaker 2: have the right to do that. However, it's how you

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Speaker 2: do it. It's what we're is what we're more concerned about.

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Speaker 3: Right.

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Speaker 2: So if I'm angry and then I go bust somebody

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Speaker 2: windows out, then we should probably work on how the

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Speaker 2: anger manifests and is displayed in my life, you know

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Speaker 2: what I mean?

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Speaker 1: Right?

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Speaker 2: And then I would say the last thing DOM is

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Speaker 2: being intentional about my talking points and what I wanted

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Speaker 2: to cover, because I really wanted to create an episode

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Speaker 2: that I won't regret in the future, because I want

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Speaker 2: to feel comfortable with my children listening to this episode

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Speaker 2: one day, right, And I think the spoken word is

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Speaker 2: so important and it cannot be taken back. You ever

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Speaker 2: say something to someone and they're like, shit, shit, I done.

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Speaker 2: I can't take that. I mean, you can apologize, that's cute, right,

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Speaker 2: like okay, but you can't take your words back. And

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Speaker 2: so I wanted to make sure that you know what,

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Speaker 2: if my mom hears this, I mean, this is my truth, right, Like,

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Speaker 2: if my children here this one day, this is where

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Speaker 2: their mom was and this is this is my truth, right,

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Speaker 2: and so even with myself, like, even if we do

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Speaker 2: we can do our relationship in the future, I still

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Speaker 2: want to be able to stand firm and what I

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Speaker 2: share today and now be ashamed or guilty or you know,

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Speaker 2: feel those feelings. So those are some of the things

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Speaker 2: I did to just like prepare mentally to have this

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Speaker 2: very I would say, what's a loaded conversation?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, And I appreciate you sharing the things

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Speaker 1: that you did to prepare because I think that those

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Speaker 1: things that you did to prepare can also be used

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Speaker 1: if you were to step into a conversation with your mother, right,

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Speaker 1: or with anyone where the conversation may be difficult, that

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Speaker 1: everything that you did to center yourself and to ensure

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Speaker 1: to the best of your ability that you are stepping

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Speaker 1: into it with pure intentions. I think that that is

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Speaker 1: the best that we can ask from bolts right. I

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Speaker 1: also recognize that a lot of times we don't do that,

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Speaker 1: and I think that sometimes what can happen is we

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Speaker 1: can have conversations in the heat of the moment or

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Speaker 1: just on the fly, and we don't allow ourselves to

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Speaker 1: center beforehand, or maybe we're not given that opportunity, right,

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Speaker 1: because the other person just comes at us and we

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Speaker 1: may not be given that opportunity to center ourselves. But

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Speaker 1: I think that what can help is to the best

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Speaker 1: that we can, utilizing those tools that you just mentioned,

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Speaker 1: utilizing those strategies of meditation, thinking about your intention, thinking

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Speaker 1: about what is the long term impact of my words.

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Speaker 2: I'm glad that you said that down, because I didn't

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Speaker 2: even think about it that way. You're right, the tools

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Speaker 2: that I used to prepare for us to have this

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Speaker 2: conversation are definitely the same tools that you can use

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Speaker 2: to have the conversation with your mom, lady, or to

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Speaker 2: just have a conversation with someone in general. Like that

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Speaker 2: is such a good point, and it puts you in

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Speaker 2: such a better space. Like even before we hopped on

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Speaker 2: our call, I took a spiritual bath, I meditated again,

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Speaker 2: and I really got clear and made sure that I

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Speaker 2: was in a space to have the conversation, because if

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Speaker 2: my energy wasn't right, I would have lin dom today,

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Speaker 2: not the day, girl, I'm gonna have to wait until,

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Speaker 2: you know, wait another day. So I'm glad that you

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Speaker 2: pointed that out and down. I would love to share

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Speaker 2: I know, you know some behind the scenes and stuff.

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Speaker 2: Some stuff we're going to talk about on air. Some

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Speaker 2: other stuff is just going to be left for off

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Speaker 2: the air. But I do want to provide some context

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Speaker 2: and like the history of my mother daughter relationship so

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Speaker 2: that lady, as you listen, you can kind of understand

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Speaker 2: where we're going and how we get to where we

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Speaker 2: get because at the end of the episode, we're going

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Speaker 2: to share and dive into some tips that you can

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Speaker 2: use to be happy and whole when you are as

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Speaker 2: strange from your mom. And I know that's something that

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Speaker 2: probably isn't common for people to talk about wholeness and

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Speaker 2: happiness when you are not connected to the person that

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Speaker 2: gave life, you know, that gave life to you, that

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Speaker 2: birthed you. But it is possible, and so dom this

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Speaker 2: is a lot, so I hope it's not going to

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Speaker 2: be too much of a verbal vomit. So just interrupt

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Speaker 2: or like raise your hands since I can see you, girl,

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Speaker 2: and let me know, like, okay, when should I pause?

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Speaker 2: When do you have questions? But long story short, or

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Speaker 2: to kind of start this off, I've been talking about

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Speaker 2: my relationship with my mom publicly since about twenty twelve,

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Speaker 2: and that is when I first started my blog Kmocho

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Speaker 2: Girls Pit Stop and so for me to kind of

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Speaker 2: set the scene for you, I was in grad school

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Speaker 2: at the time, and the thing about it is I

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Speaker 2: had did all the things that many of us here down.

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Speaker 2: I went to school, I got good grades, I got

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Speaker 2: a good job, and I was in grad school and

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Speaker 2: I remember just feeling so empty, so alone. And even

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Speaker 2: though I was a grown woman, like I had my car,

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Speaker 2: I had my place, I had all this, I began

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Speaker 2: to realize that there were so much unprocessed trauma that

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Speaker 2: I had never really dove into. So yes, I wrote

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Speaker 2: in my journal. Yes, I went to church and I prayed.

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Speaker 2: But I was trying to figure out, why did I

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Speaker 2: do all the things people told me to do. Why

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Speaker 2: do I still have so much self hate? Why do

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Speaker 2: I still have someone's negative self talk within? Why don't

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Speaker 2: I like myself? Why what's up with my confidence? And

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Speaker 2: when I began to ask myself these questions, because it's

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Speaker 2: the first time really in my life that I was alone,

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Speaker 2: like truly alone, no roommates, no boo thing, like it

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Speaker 2: was just me in this new city by myself, I

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Speaker 2: had to face myself and look in the mirror, and

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Speaker 2: it was like, oh, a lot of the answers to

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Speaker 2: my questions stemmed from my childhood. And when I peeled

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Speaker 2: the layers back and I began to dig into well,

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Speaker 2: why don't you like yourself?

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Speaker 1: Oh?

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Speaker 2: Well, you were verbally and physically abused when you were younger. Okay,

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Speaker 2: that makes sense. Why do I Why am I the

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Speaker 2: way that I am in relationships?

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Speaker 1: Right?

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Speaker 2: Oh, you probably have some abandonment issues because your mom

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Speaker 2: was in and out of jail since you were eight

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Speaker 2: years old. So even as an adult, right, I think

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Speaker 2: a lot of times people expect us to, you know,

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Speaker 2: not talk about our trauma or you ever hear this

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Speaker 2: time when victims come out, they're like, well, why are

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Speaker 2: you coming out now to say something? It's been all

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Speaker 2: these years. People come out at different times. Because for me,

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Speaker 2: I think I was in my early twenties. I had

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Speaker 2: never talked about a lot of that stuff ever publicly.

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Speaker 2: But now that I had this blog where I was

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Speaker 2: trying to heal myself and heal other women and just

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Speaker 2: share and amplify our stories, this was the moment for

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Speaker 2: me where it was like, it's time to share because

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Speaker 2: I truly believe that you can't heal what you don't reveal. No,

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Speaker 2: you don't have to shout your story from the rooftops

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Speaker 2: and share it with everybody. But I truly believe that

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Speaker 2: part of the reason I was put on this earth

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Speaker 2: is to share my experiences, the ones I feel comfortable

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Speaker 2: sharing to, you know, help other people. And so I

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Speaker 2: started talking about our relationship then, and at that time

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Speaker 2: in life, my mom was locked up, and so even

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Speaker 2: though I was talking about it, I guess I didn't

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Speaker 2: really feel the pressure anxiety about sharing it because she

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Speaker 2: was away. Although at some point I did share those

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Speaker 2: stories with her and mailed her the blog post, and

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Speaker 2: at one point I even interviewed her from prison and

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Speaker 2: had her on my podcast and we talked about our

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Speaker 2: mother daughter relationship. It was a beautiful interview. We talked about,

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Speaker 2: you know, some of her experiences and why, you know,

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Speaker 2: her life had played out the way that it did,

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Speaker 2: and why she may have made some of the decisions

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Speaker 2: she made. So that's sort of just the history. Do

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Speaker 2: you want to take a pause? I feel like there

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00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,439
Speaker 2: was a lot there and then we can definitely die

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Speaker 2: back in.

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Speaker 1: That was a lot, right, And I think the thing

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Speaker 1: about that is that can happen, right, that when you

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Speaker 1: get into that space, when you are ready for that healing,

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Speaker 1: things can happen that in a way that you aren't

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Speaker 1: necessarily expecting. Right, So all the things, all the thoughts,

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Speaker 1: feelings start coming up, memories start resurfacing, and then it's like, okay, wait,

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Speaker 1: I gotta deal with this. And then but life keeps

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Speaker 1: going on, right, And so, like you said, you're trying

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Speaker 1: to process this, but life is still happening, and mom

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Speaker 1: is in prison. And so I guess one of my

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Speaker 1: questions is how receptive was she when you initially sent

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Speaker 1: her the boll and invited her to engage in an interview.

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Speaker 2: And if memory serves me correctly, I don't think she

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Speaker 2: was thrilled about it initially, and I think it was

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Speaker 2: a lot for her to process. I can only imagine

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00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:19,320
Speaker 2: her experience, like you're already away, your daughter sends you

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Speaker 2: these blog posts with our story really because it is

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Speaker 2: her story or part of her story and my story

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Speaker 2: and my experience and my truth. So I can only

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Speaker 2: imagine how she felt about it. I don't recall it

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Speaker 2: being extremely supportive in the beginning. I do think she

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00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:36,800
Speaker 2: came around at one point and realized that one like

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00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:38,359
Speaker 2: I was trying to explain to her, like, Mom, this

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00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:40,760
Speaker 2: is I'm not sharing this with malicious intent, Like this

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00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:42,639
Speaker 2: is part of my healing, and I can teach you

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Speaker 2: to let her know that and also to support her

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Speaker 2: and let her know you, No, there were things that

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Speaker 2: you did right, Like I learned so much from my mom.

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Speaker 2: My mom, there were certain areas of life where she

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Speaker 2: was such a great role model, right, And I've always

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Speaker 2: been her number one fan. I mean, I definitely try

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Speaker 2: to balance that, but I can only imagine what that

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Speaker 2: experience is like from a mom's perspective, you know. And

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Speaker 2: I hope that that's something I don't have to go

381
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Speaker 2: through with my children, where I make, you know, a

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00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:07,200
Speaker 2: lot of bad decisions and mistakes, and part of their

383
00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:10,320
Speaker 2: healing process is to share those things. I hope that

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Speaker 2: I've learned enough so that I can avoid having to

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Speaker 2: repeat the cycle that I've experienced. But when she did

386
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Speaker 2: come around and we did the interview, it was an

387
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:24,400
Speaker 2: absolutely beautiful interview and beautiful experience. And from what I recall,

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00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:28,360
Speaker 2: we were good, Everything was okay, Like she was supportive

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Speaker 2: of that. I thought we had a decent relationship, and

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Speaker 2: I always told her that I had this vision of

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Speaker 2: her and I like traveling and talking about the mother

392
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Speaker 2: daughter relationship together, like empowering other mothers and daughters to

393
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Speaker 2: overcome and talking about forgiveness. And at the end of

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Speaker 2: the day, the intention has always been the same, which

395
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Speaker 2: is to just give light and hope and some type

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00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:53,240
Speaker 2: of strategy to other people. However, I do realize that

397
00:21:54,119 --> 00:21:58,640
Speaker 2: although our intentions can be well right, it doesn't mean

398
00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:00,680
Speaker 2: the impact will be Like I'm totally aware of that.

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00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:03,159
Speaker 2: And I've also realized that sometimes when it comes to

400
00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:06,280
Speaker 2: sharing our story, everyone isn't going to be happy, Everyone's

401
00:22:06,359 --> 00:22:09,760
Speaker 2: not going to be on board, you know, and there's

402
00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:11,600
Speaker 2: really no right answer. It's like you kind of have

403
00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:13,040
Speaker 2: to do. I think what's best for you, and a

404
00:22:13,119 --> 00:22:15,719
Speaker 2: part of your healing is you sharing your story and

405
00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:19,240
Speaker 2: sharing your truth. Then I think we need to do

406
00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:21,280
Speaker 2: what we need to do to free ourselves, you know.

407
00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:25,600
Speaker 2: And I will say dom I also, as I was

408
00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:27,840
Speaker 2: doing my work, I realized that I had a lot

409
00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:32,679
Speaker 2: of toxic traits that I, you know, saw in my household,

410
00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:35,760
Speaker 2: Like domestic violence was very common in my household. Seeing

411
00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:38,119
Speaker 2: the cops in my in our house was very common.

412
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:41,560
Speaker 2: Seeing violence, stabbing like that. That stuff was common in

413
00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:45,240
Speaker 2: my household, and so I realized that when I got

414
00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:47,280
Speaker 2: into relationships especially, I was like, oh, I got some

415
00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:49,520
Speaker 2: shit with me, Like I need to handle this. And

416
00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:52,160
Speaker 2: at that point it was like, it's not about blaming

417
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:55,160
Speaker 2: mommy and daddy and grandma and grandpa or whoever may

418
00:22:55,200 --> 00:22:57,200
Speaker 2: have you know done whatever in your life, lady, It's

419
00:22:57,200 --> 00:23:00,399
Speaker 2: really about taking responsibility for where you are based on

420
00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:03,199
Speaker 2: what you saw and getting help for that. And so

421
00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:06,639
Speaker 2: I had an experience down with my sister. It's crazy.

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Speaker 2: You ever had that experience where you're like, oh, I'm

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00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:09,840
Speaker 2: never I'm not going to be like my mom or

424
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Speaker 2: my dad.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, I think all of us had at some

426
00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:15,800
Speaker 1: point in life, like when I get grown, I ain't

427
00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:17,320
Speaker 1: gonna do blah blah blah.

428
00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:20,479
Speaker 2: Yes, And then we get grown and then we realize

429
00:23:21,119 --> 00:23:23,560
Speaker 2: I look just like my I sound just like my mom.

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00:23:23,840 --> 00:23:26,240
Speaker 2: So I had a moment with one of my little sisters.

431
00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:28,119
Speaker 2: Because I raised my siblings, they're like they were like

432
00:23:28,119 --> 00:23:30,560
Speaker 2: my children. And again, in the back of my head,

433
00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:32,440
Speaker 2: I ain't never gonna be like my mom. I didn't

434
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:35,080
Speaker 2: realize how much of my mother I had enemy Okay.

435
00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:37,240
Speaker 2: You know how they say that people that see donastic

436
00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:40,600
Speaker 2: violence in the household, they tend to also become abusers

437
00:23:41,119 --> 00:23:43,480
Speaker 2: and the crazies. I never knew that I had that

438
00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:45,600
Speaker 2: much like rage and all that stuff inside of me.

439
00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:48,200
Speaker 2: But I remember an incident when my little sister it's

440
00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:50,720
Speaker 2: something she wasn't supposed to do, and I remember going

441
00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:53,479
Speaker 2: off and I saw a side of myself. I was like,

442
00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:56,359
Speaker 2: oh shit, like that is not okay. And I had

443
00:23:56,359 --> 00:23:59,240
Speaker 2: an interaction with her that, you know, I would deem

444
00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:02,280
Speaker 2: as abusive and she would probably deem as abusive as well.

445
00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:04,280
Speaker 2: And I apologize to her for that and we talked

446
00:24:04,280 --> 00:24:08,080
Speaker 2: about it. But I just think about if I wasn't

447
00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:09,480
Speaker 2: able to like nip that in the bud, you know

448
00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:12,320
Speaker 2: what I mean, Like I could literally then bring this

449
00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:14,959
Speaker 2: generational curse into my life and continue it on with

450
00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:18,119
Speaker 2: my children. And so it's this is not a conversation

451
00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:21,000
Speaker 2: to villainize anyone, but just for us to realize that

452
00:24:21,359 --> 00:24:22,959
Speaker 2: things happen in life and we have to figure out

453
00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:24,800
Speaker 2: how are we going to address it and heal from it.

454
00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:33,080
Speaker 1: That is a really valid and important point of acknowledging

455
00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:39,280
Speaker 1: how what we see in our childhood ends up coming

456
00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:43,119
Speaker 1: out of us. I'm a believer, and we are a

457
00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:49,080
Speaker 1: mix of nature and nurture, right. There is that interplay

458
00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:53,640
Speaker 1: of our genetics, but then also the environment in which

459
00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:58,199
Speaker 1: we grow up, and there are things that seep into

460
00:24:58,359 --> 00:25:03,560
Speaker 1: us that we aren't aware of, Like you just kind

461
00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:09,440
Speaker 1: of illustrated. And so when I think about that, when

462
00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:14,840
Speaker 1: you had that realization at that time, what was your

463
00:25:14,840 --> 00:25:18,840
Speaker 1: relationship like with your mom? Did that change how you

464
00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:19,800
Speaker 1: viewed her?

465
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:25,320
Speaker 2: Hmm, that's a really good point, Don. I would say that,

466
00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:28,800
Speaker 2: you know what, Dom, I can't say that I remember

467
00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:31,600
Speaker 2: what my relationship was like then because there's always like

468
00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:34,840
Speaker 2: so much going on between Like in that relationship, I

469
00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:37,600
Speaker 2: can't remember where we were in that relationship. But I

470
00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:40,960
Speaker 2: will say for the majority, I mean, when I think

471
00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:43,760
Speaker 2: about my childhood, even though in my experience, you know,

472
00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:47,320
Speaker 2: my mom was abusive when I was younger, I have

473
00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:50,560
Speaker 2: always had so much empathy and compassion for her, you know, like,

474
00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:55,560
Speaker 2: even though I had these experiences, I mean, my mom

475
00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:57,680
Speaker 2: is a brilliant person with so much potential, and I've

476
00:25:57,720 --> 00:25:59,800
Speaker 2: always and I've always shared that with her. And it's

477
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:01,560
Speaker 2: interesting because I don't know if this is something that

478
00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:04,520
Speaker 2: abused children like deal with But I think for a

479
00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:07,440
Speaker 2: long time, instead of don maybe you can help me

480
00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:11,959
Speaker 2: out here, instead of projecting my anger or directing there,

481
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:15,479
Speaker 2: would go directing my anger and raised toward her. It

482
00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:19,040
Speaker 2: was very much internal, so it manifested as self hate.

483
00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:21,840
Speaker 2: So damn, like I may not like I'm not good enough,

484
00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:24,280
Speaker 2: you know. And so I think I don't really remember

485
00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:26,760
Speaker 2: being very angry or upset with her when I was

486
00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:28,560
Speaker 2: younger and experiencing this stuff. I mean when I was

487
00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:30,159
Speaker 2: in grad school and I was talking about all this

488
00:26:30,200 --> 00:26:32,479
Speaker 2: stuff I had forgiven her. At that point, it wasn't like,

489
00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:34,359
Speaker 2: oh I'm angry mom, and I got to get this

490
00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:36,800
Speaker 2: off my chest. It was just like, oh, I see

491
00:26:36,840 --> 00:26:40,239
Speaker 2: why I'm show wing up in life, so timid and

492
00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:43,600
Speaker 2: so fearful because it stems back from these moments where

493
00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:45,880
Speaker 2: I had to be timid and fearful because of my environment.

494
00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:48,760
Speaker 2: It was never really directed toward her. And so I

495
00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:51,760
Speaker 2: think that for me in twenty nineteen, that's when things

496
00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:54,440
Speaker 2: changed and there was like a whole layer of bullshit

497
00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:57,520
Speaker 2: where I was like, well, god, damn, So that's the

498
00:26:57,560 --> 00:26:59,840
Speaker 2: stuff that I think that I really had to heal

499
00:27:00,119 --> 00:27:02,080
Speaker 2: and cope with as of late. But the stuff from

500
00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:04,720
Speaker 2: my childhood, I'm like, Okay, we've been there, done that.

501
00:27:04,760 --> 00:27:06,879
Speaker 2: I forget, like I'm moving on. But then it's like

502
00:27:06,920 --> 00:27:09,320
Speaker 2: the new shit where I'm just like in adulthood, Like

503
00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:12,560
Speaker 2: God damn, I will say, this relationship has given me

504
00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:16,400
Speaker 2: so many opportunities to learn about forgiveness for real.

505
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:19,879
Speaker 1: You know that you know what's the phrase that they use.

506
00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:23,920
Speaker 1: It's a blessing and a curse. Right, So it sucks

507
00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:28,040
Speaker 1: that that is what happened. But the beautiful thing is

508
00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:31,959
Speaker 1: the lesson that you learned from it, right, And something

509
00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:34,920
Speaker 1: that you said a moment ago that I wanted to

510
00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:38,200
Speaker 1: go back to and just kind of acknowledge and point

511
00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:43,840
Speaker 1: out that there can be a both, and that you

512
00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:51,200
Speaker 1: can be in a space where you are angry at someone,

513
00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:55,399
Speaker 1: where you are pissed, where you are hurt, where you

514
00:27:56,000 --> 00:28:01,760
Speaker 1: just have all of these other feelings negative not positive,

515
00:28:01,760 --> 00:28:04,720
Speaker 1: however we want to label it where we have all

516
00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:10,679
Speaker 1: of these intense emotions, right, and we can still be

517
00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:15,440
Speaker 1: their biggest supporter and champion. Right. It is possible for

518
00:28:15,520 --> 00:28:19,560
Speaker 1: those two things to exist. That's hard sometimes for us

519
00:28:19,600 --> 00:28:23,600
Speaker 1: to sit with, but it is possible for those two

520
00:28:23,680 --> 00:28:24,920
Speaker 1: things to exist.

521
00:28:26,200 --> 00:28:27,480
Speaker 2: I'm so glad you said that.

522
00:28:28,280 --> 00:28:34,120
Speaker 1: And so yeah, I wanted to shift us into more

523
00:28:34,200 --> 00:28:39,520
Speaker 1: recent times. Twenty nineteen. I know what was happening at

524
00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:43,200
Speaker 1: that time because you and I were in conversation about

525
00:28:43,240 --> 00:28:48,120
Speaker 1: this frequently, right, Yes, what would you like to share

526
00:28:48,400 --> 00:28:52,360
Speaker 1: with our audience about what was happening at that time

527
00:28:52,480 --> 00:28:55,280
Speaker 1: and how the relationship with your mom shifted?

528
00:28:56,440 --> 00:29:00,600
Speaker 2: Yes, Well, what I'll say first is that twenty nineteen

529
00:29:00,760 --> 00:29:02,720
Speaker 2: was like my twenty twenties. I know, twenty twenty was

530
00:29:02,720 --> 00:29:04,560
Speaker 2: like a hell it was like a shit show year

531
00:29:04,560 --> 00:29:06,640
Speaker 2: for a lot of people. That was my twenty twenty.

532
00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:09,360
Speaker 2: Twenty twenty actually wasn't that bad for me. But twenty nineteen, oh,

533
00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:12,840
Speaker 2: my gosh, so dom and that year for me. You know,

534
00:29:13,600 --> 00:29:17,160
Speaker 2: I got pregnant, was so excited, and found that I

535
00:29:17,200 --> 00:29:19,600
Speaker 2: was having a miscarriage the day after Mother's Day, the

536
00:29:19,640 --> 00:29:22,600
Speaker 2: day before my husband's birthday. Then about a month a

537
00:29:22,600 --> 00:29:24,880
Speaker 2: little over a month later, I lost my grandmother. And

538
00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:28,120
Speaker 2: my grandmother was like my rock and my I mean,

539
00:29:28,120 --> 00:29:30,520
Speaker 2: she's been the matriarch of the family and you know,

540
00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:33,840
Speaker 2: a pseudo mom to me, always being there, always showing up.

541
00:29:33,840 --> 00:29:36,800
Speaker 2: So losing her and she was like so excited for

542
00:29:36,840 --> 00:29:38,760
Speaker 2: me to be pregnant and so losing her. And then

543
00:29:39,200 --> 00:29:41,960
Speaker 2: when I released my self help book, or decided to

544
00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:44,800
Speaker 2: release that, that's when my mom and I the friction

545
00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:47,960
Speaker 2: in our relationship began. And dom I won't share too

546
00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:52,000
Speaker 2: much about her actions and the behavior in twenty nineteen

547
00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:54,960
Speaker 2: because I would rather focus on my feelings. Yeah, because

548
00:29:55,120 --> 00:29:57,040
Speaker 2: there's stuff that I share before. That's all stuff that

549
00:29:57,200 --> 00:29:59,360
Speaker 2: I talked about in the book, talked about it on

550
00:29:59,400 --> 00:30:03,160
Speaker 2: the blog. I will basically just say that, you know,

551
00:30:03,200 --> 00:30:06,720
Speaker 2: my grandmother passed away, some foule shit went down, Okay,

552
00:30:07,120 --> 00:30:10,920
Speaker 2: that I will. And you know, when I announced that

553
00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:14,240
Speaker 2: I was releasing this self help book, which really repurposed

554
00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:16,040
Speaker 2: a lot of the content from my blog, it was

555
00:30:16,200 --> 00:30:19,120
Speaker 2: sort of like a compilation of those experiences from the

556
00:30:19,120 --> 00:30:22,080
Speaker 2: blog with some new stuff, that's when all hell broke

557
00:30:22,160 --> 00:30:26,120
Speaker 2: loose and there were many ugly conversations. And that's the

558
00:30:26,160 --> 00:30:27,959
Speaker 2: thing that one of the things that my mom had

559
00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:31,080
Speaker 2: a big issue with. And so for me, I shared

560
00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:34,000
Speaker 2: the book with her first to get her feedback, and

561
00:30:34,080 --> 00:30:36,520
Speaker 2: so you know, she said that we could talk about

562
00:30:36,600 --> 00:30:38,880
Speaker 2: the issues that she had, but was never available when

563
00:30:38,920 --> 00:30:41,360
Speaker 2: I showed up to like have the conversation, and so

564
00:30:41,520 --> 00:30:43,640
Speaker 2: I did decided not to put my book on hold

565
00:30:43,840 --> 00:30:46,560
Speaker 2: because of her thoughts, right, because I did that so

566
00:30:46,560 --> 00:30:48,160
Speaker 2: many times in the past in my life, you know,

567
00:30:48,200 --> 00:30:51,520
Speaker 2: putting stuff on hold because she was away, and putting

568
00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:53,240
Speaker 2: stuff on hold because she asked me to. And so

569
00:30:53,240 --> 00:30:55,120
Speaker 2: at this point in my life, it's like I was

570
00:30:55,160 --> 00:30:57,600
Speaker 2: available for a conversation, but you didn't want to have it.

571
00:30:57,640 --> 00:31:00,320
Speaker 2: So I have to move forward, you know. And so

572
00:31:01,120 --> 00:31:03,560
Speaker 2: I'm definitely not in the same state that I was

573
00:31:03,680 --> 00:31:07,280
Speaker 2: previously where I could be easily manipulated, right, or guilted

574
00:31:07,320 --> 00:31:09,680
Speaker 2: into doing something. I mean, this is this book now

575
00:31:09,760 --> 00:31:11,600
Speaker 2: when I talk you got the book down. When I

576
00:31:11,600 --> 00:31:13,560
Speaker 2: talk to people about what being able to do for

577
00:31:13,600 --> 00:31:16,760
Speaker 2: them as far as healing and just the inspiration that

578
00:31:16,760 --> 00:31:19,400
Speaker 2: it's provided, like it's so much bigger than my relationship

579
00:31:19,400 --> 00:31:21,320
Speaker 2: with my mom that was just one aspect, you know,

580
00:31:21,720 --> 00:31:23,920
Speaker 2: And so for me, this was like, this was a

581
00:31:24,040 --> 00:31:26,680
Speaker 2: vision that I truly believe God gave me a message

582
00:31:26,720 --> 00:31:28,920
Speaker 2: that needed to be shared, and so I couldn't put

583
00:31:28,920 --> 00:31:31,400
Speaker 2: that on hold because of the way that people felt,

584
00:31:31,880 --> 00:31:34,720
Speaker 2: especially when they weren't respecting the timeline that I had,

585
00:31:34,760 --> 00:31:37,640
Speaker 2: you know, And so after that that's when things really

586
00:31:37,680 --> 00:31:41,120
Speaker 2: went crazy and I basically wrote a four page letter

587
00:31:41,720 --> 00:31:46,280
Speaker 2: and never got a response. And yeah, as we record

588
00:31:46,280 --> 00:31:48,640
Speaker 2: this episode, Dom, as you know, I am pregnant with

589
00:31:48,760 --> 00:31:51,360
Speaker 2: a baby girl, which is so interesting because I just

590
00:31:51,360 --> 00:31:54,080
Speaker 2: thought it was gonna be a boy. And now I'm like,

591
00:31:54,200 --> 00:31:56,880
Speaker 2: oh wow, I have the ability to now create this

592
00:31:56,960 --> 00:31:59,400
Speaker 2: beautiful mother daughter relationship that I really never had a

593
00:31:59,480 --> 00:32:02,080
Speaker 2: chance to really have with my mom. Although we had

594
00:32:02,080 --> 00:32:05,680
Speaker 2: good moments, when I look at the holistic relationship, it

595
00:32:05,760 --> 00:32:07,080
Speaker 2: hasn't been that, you know.

596
00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:12,240
Speaker 1: So I want to go back to though the feelings, right, Like,

597
00:32:13,000 --> 00:32:16,360
Speaker 1: what were the thoughts and the feelings that came up

598
00:32:16,880 --> 00:32:20,920
Speaker 1: when you know you're doing the thing that as therapists

599
00:32:20,960 --> 00:32:24,280
Speaker 1: we tell folks to do. You invited her to have

600
00:32:24,320 --> 00:32:32,280
Speaker 1: a conversation and she wasn't showing up. What were the

601
00:32:32,320 --> 00:32:34,480
Speaker 1: thoughts and feelings that were coming up around that?

602
00:32:35,680 --> 00:32:38,080
Speaker 2: I think the biggest thing for me, Dom was really

603
00:32:38,120 --> 00:32:42,240
Speaker 2: like extreme disappointment. Extreme disappointment because when I think about

604
00:32:42,240 --> 00:32:44,320
Speaker 2: the ways, and you know what, I'm going to be honest,

605
00:32:44,760 --> 00:32:47,920
Speaker 2: the disappointment, but also entitlement, like there was literally a

606
00:32:47,920 --> 00:32:49,400
Speaker 2: part of me and I don't know if this is

607
00:32:49,400 --> 00:32:51,280
Speaker 2: wrong or right, but I want to ask you about

608
00:32:51,320 --> 00:32:53,280
Speaker 2: this dim and before I forget, I want to also

609
00:32:53,320 --> 00:32:55,960
Speaker 2: ask you about my role that I played in this,

610
00:32:56,440 --> 00:32:58,920
Speaker 2: because I keep thinking about this holistically and I'm like,

611
00:32:59,200 --> 00:33:02,200
Speaker 2: I'm noting to just put the blame on one person,

612
00:33:02,280 --> 00:33:03,640
Speaker 2: Like I know that there's a role and there's a

613
00:33:03,640 --> 00:33:05,320
Speaker 2: way that I show up too. So I've been thinking

614
00:33:05,320 --> 00:33:07,400
Speaker 2: about what could I have done better in this situation.

615
00:33:07,480 --> 00:33:10,920
Speaker 2: But I would say extreme disappointment. I would also say

616
00:33:10,960 --> 00:33:13,880
Speaker 2: a sense of entitlement, like yo, I feel like you

617
00:33:13,960 --> 00:33:16,040
Speaker 2: owe me. This is the least you could do, Like

618
00:33:16,080 --> 00:33:18,960
Speaker 2: you weren't there either of my collegiate graduations because you

619
00:33:18,960 --> 00:33:21,520
Speaker 2: were locked up. You missed my wedding because you were

620
00:33:21,520 --> 00:33:23,960
Speaker 2: locked up, Like I raised your kids. I'm like, this

621
00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:27,080
Speaker 2: is the one time where I had this big project,

622
00:33:27,280 --> 00:33:29,520
Speaker 2: like it's my first book, you know, it's a self

623
00:33:29,560 --> 00:33:33,000
Speaker 2: help book to help people, you know, overcome adversity and

624
00:33:33,040 --> 00:33:35,280
Speaker 2: make a limits that eliminate Like this is the one

625
00:33:35,360 --> 00:33:38,480
Speaker 2: thing that really meant so much to me. And I'm

626
00:33:38,520 --> 00:33:41,640
Speaker 2: like that's it felt like it was a damn shame,

627
00:33:41,720 --> 00:33:45,200
Speaker 2: Like I was so disappointed, dom so disappointed because I've

628
00:33:45,320 --> 00:33:48,920
Speaker 2: always been so respectful, and I've always been my mom's

629
00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:51,760
Speaker 2: number one fan, so even behind the scenes when things

630
00:33:51,800 --> 00:33:54,440
Speaker 2: were happening, and other people may have felt a certain way,

631
00:33:54,480 --> 00:33:57,240
Speaker 2: like I'm the one that's holding stuff down for her,

632
00:33:57,280 --> 00:33:59,480
Speaker 2: you know, doing favor, sending money when she's locked up,

633
00:33:59,520 --> 00:34:01,560
Speaker 2: going to go visit. So I think for me it

634
00:34:01,640 --> 00:34:04,280
Speaker 2: was like a very strong sense of betrayal. But I mean,

635
00:34:04,320 --> 00:34:06,040
Speaker 2: when I say this, I don't think I can say

636
00:34:06,040 --> 00:34:09,240
Speaker 2: disappointment enough. Now, it was really disappointment.

637
00:34:09,080 --> 00:34:15,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, right, right, And I think you know all of

638
00:34:15,880 --> 00:34:21,040
Speaker 1: those feelings are valid, that it makes sense that you

639
00:34:21,080 --> 00:34:25,239
Speaker 1: would feel that way, right. I want to get to

640
00:34:25,280 --> 00:34:27,799
Speaker 1: your question about your role in it, right, because I

641
00:34:27,800 --> 00:34:32,399
Speaker 1: think that that's a beautiful question to ask, because sometimes

642
00:34:32,480 --> 00:34:36,400
Speaker 1: it is when we feel wrong, when we feel hurt,

643
00:34:36,880 --> 00:34:43,719
Speaker 1: it is easy for us to be stuck and cemented

644
00:34:43,960 --> 00:34:50,440
Speaker 1: in how we are feeling and not have a willingness

645
00:34:50,880 --> 00:34:55,719
Speaker 1: to acknowledge what our role may have been. Right, And

646
00:34:55,760 --> 00:34:59,080
Speaker 1: I recognize that there are situations where there is nothing

647
00:34:59,080 --> 00:35:02,000
Speaker 1: that we could have done differently. This person was going

648
00:35:02,080 --> 00:35:04,359
Speaker 1: to show up how they chose to show up, right

649
00:35:05,280 --> 00:35:10,359
Speaker 1: as I'm listening to you, from what you've shared. I

650
00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:17,480
Speaker 1: think that you showed up in the healthiest, purest way possible.

651
00:35:17,920 --> 00:35:22,800
Speaker 1: You know, you showed her the book ahead of time,

652
00:35:23,040 --> 00:35:29,400
Speaker 1: right what you didn't have to do, and then you

653
00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:34,759
Speaker 1: solicited her reaction, which again you didn't have to do,

654
00:35:36,560 --> 00:35:41,480
Speaker 1: and then you invited her to a converse, have a

655
00:35:41,520 --> 00:35:44,440
Speaker 1: conversation about it. Again, it's something you did not have

656
00:35:44,520 --> 00:35:49,160
Speaker 1: to do. You could have said, hey, mom, read this book,

657
00:35:49,280 --> 00:35:51,839
Speaker 1: read my book, just you know, or hell, you could

658
00:35:51,840 --> 00:35:57,920
Speaker 1: have even said nothing and waited until the book came out, right,

659
00:35:59,239 --> 00:36:04,920
Speaker 1: But you went to her and said, as a courtesy, here,

660
00:36:06,080 --> 00:36:09,000
Speaker 1: you know, I want to let you know this is

661
00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:12,439
Speaker 1: something that's being put out. What are your thoughts, what's

662
00:36:12,480 --> 00:36:17,359
Speaker 1: your feedback to me? That is what we would call

663
00:36:17,440 --> 00:36:22,080
Speaker 1: kind of taking the high road. Right to me, it

664
00:36:22,160 --> 00:36:25,839
Speaker 1: felt like there were pure intentions there that you know,

665
00:36:26,440 --> 00:36:29,920
Speaker 1: you're giving her an opportunity to speak her peace, to

666
00:36:30,040 --> 00:36:34,480
Speaker 1: offer her feedback. Now, soliciting her feedback doesn't mean that

667
00:36:34,520 --> 00:36:39,520
Speaker 1: you were going to change anything in the book. It meant.

668
00:36:39,560 --> 00:36:43,799
Speaker 1: What it meant was you just wanted her feedback, and

669
00:36:44,000 --> 00:36:46,680
Speaker 1: like you said, you wanted her to show up for you.

670
00:36:47,920 --> 00:36:54,000
Speaker 1: And so then I could imagine the disappointment, the hurt,

671
00:36:54,320 --> 00:36:57,040
Speaker 1: all the feelings that come up when she doesn't show

672
00:36:57,160 --> 00:37:01,360
Speaker 1: up right, because it's like, well, wait, hold on, I've

673
00:37:01,400 --> 00:37:03,920
Speaker 1: done the work to do my healing, I've done the

674
00:37:03,960 --> 00:37:10,440
Speaker 1: work to engage in equipping myself with being more compassionate,

675
00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:16,279
Speaker 1: and you still could not show up for me. And so,

676
00:37:16,800 --> 00:37:19,600
Speaker 1: you know, I could imagine that that's how hurting that

677
00:37:19,680 --> 00:37:27,720
Speaker 1: must feel. But I'm also aware that that's not about you, right,

678
00:37:28,719 --> 00:37:35,160
Speaker 1: that that is her own stuff that she has to

679
00:37:35,239 --> 00:37:38,880
Speaker 1: work through. And I think sometimes that that is the

680
00:37:39,000 --> 00:37:43,480
Speaker 1: hard part for daughters, is that when we go to

681
00:37:43,640 --> 00:37:49,000
Speaker 1: our moms and say, hey, I need you to show

682
00:37:49,120 --> 00:37:54,160
Speaker 1: up for me in this way and they are unable to,

683
00:37:55,800 --> 00:37:58,440
Speaker 1: then there's a lot of hurt that comes with that, right.

684
00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:02,640
Speaker 1: But I think the thing the important thing for us

685
00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:08,440
Speaker 1: to remember is that when your mom doesn't show up

686
00:38:08,480 --> 00:38:13,359
Speaker 1: for you, it's not about you, it's about them. It's

687
00:38:13,400 --> 00:38:16,879
Speaker 1: about what may be going on for them.

688
00:38:17,760 --> 00:38:21,640
Speaker 2: That was beautifully stated them. And I will say that

689
00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:24,680
Speaker 2: sometimes in my mind, when someone behaves in a certain way,

690
00:38:24,719 --> 00:38:26,560
Speaker 2: it is just so bizarre to me that I'm like,

691
00:38:26,920 --> 00:38:29,040
Speaker 2: I had to do something wrong here, Like what did

692
00:38:29,040 --> 00:38:30,640
Speaker 2: And I know some people will listening might be like, well,

693
00:38:30,680 --> 00:38:33,360
Speaker 2: you could have you know, changed your story or shared,

694
00:38:33,520 --> 00:38:36,480
Speaker 2: you know, maybe not written about your relationship with your

695
00:38:36,520 --> 00:38:37,879
Speaker 2: mom and your book and stuff like that, and that's

696
00:38:37,920 --> 00:38:40,680
Speaker 2: their opinion, which is totally fine. But I will say

697
00:38:40,840 --> 00:38:43,640
Speaker 2: I love that you share that because it's a reminder

698
00:38:43,680 --> 00:38:46,319
Speaker 2: that you could do all the things right, you could

699
00:38:46,360 --> 00:38:48,160
Speaker 2: take the high oat, you could show up in these ways,

700
00:38:48,160 --> 00:38:49,560
Speaker 2: and that doesn't mean that someone else is going to

701
00:38:49,640 --> 00:38:52,360
Speaker 2: change their behavior, Like you could be squeaky clean, do

702
00:38:52,520 --> 00:38:55,360
Speaker 2: everything right, and they can still decide to show up

703
00:38:55,400 --> 00:38:57,480
Speaker 2: in a different way, because again, it's not about you,

704
00:38:57,560 --> 00:39:00,759
Speaker 2: it's about them. So I appreciate you sharing that, and

705
00:39:00,800 --> 00:39:02,919
Speaker 2: I guess we should just jump into the tips on

706
00:39:03,040 --> 00:39:06,320
Speaker 2: how to be whole and happy while being estranged from

707
00:39:06,520 --> 00:39:09,240
Speaker 2: your mom, because don you know me behind the scenes,

708
00:39:09,680 --> 00:39:11,759
Speaker 2: and although I mean I didn't talk to my mom,

709
00:39:11,760 --> 00:39:14,640
Speaker 2: we haven't talked all twenty twenty. I am eight months

710
00:39:14,680 --> 00:39:16,520
Speaker 2: pregnant at the time of this recording. We have no

711
00:39:16,600 --> 00:39:19,759
Speaker 2: communication about this whole pregnancy. And don you know, I

712
00:39:19,760 --> 00:39:21,680
Speaker 2: have been living my best life like I have been.

713
00:39:22,200 --> 00:39:24,239
Speaker 2: This is not just an episode of like, oh I'm

714
00:39:24,280 --> 00:39:26,480
Speaker 2: happy and I'm not really happy. No, like life has

715
00:39:26,520 --> 00:39:30,080
Speaker 2: been pretty amazing outside of like pregnancy symptoms and stuff

716
00:39:30,080 --> 00:39:33,200
Speaker 2: like that, Like it's been good. So lady, we're just

717
00:39:33,239 --> 00:39:36,120
Speaker 2: going to jump into these tips. And the first is

718
00:39:36,160 --> 00:39:38,040
Speaker 2: something that we covered. I think we covered this in

719
00:39:38,040 --> 00:39:40,120
Speaker 2: the beginning of the conversation, but tip number one is

720
00:39:40,960 --> 00:39:45,760
Speaker 2: be real about your feelings, like us, come on.

721
00:39:47,040 --> 00:39:50,440
Speaker 1: You can't like you said, like, I love that phrase

722
00:39:50,520 --> 00:39:54,040
Speaker 1: of you can't heal what you don't reveal, and so

723
00:39:54,880 --> 00:40:01,000
Speaker 1: to me, it's you cannot move forward if you don't

724
00:40:01,040 --> 00:40:04,600
Speaker 1: acknowledge all the real feelings that are there. And I

725
00:40:04,640 --> 00:40:08,200
Speaker 1: think the thing with that is letting go of the

726
00:40:08,280 --> 00:40:15,600
Speaker 1: guilt and the shame that it is normal and natural

727
00:40:16,080 --> 00:40:21,520
Speaker 1: for us to have moments when we are pissed off, hurt, betrayed, disappointed,

728
00:40:21,600 --> 00:40:27,960
Speaker 1: all of those things, enraged even by our mothers. It

729
00:40:28,080 --> 00:40:32,279
Speaker 1: is okay to have any of those feelings, but you

730
00:40:32,440 --> 00:40:35,839
Speaker 1: have to be real and honest with yourself that that

731
00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:39,440
Speaker 1: is what's happening, Like, oh, she didn't show up for

732
00:40:39,520 --> 00:40:45,600
Speaker 1: my graduation. Not only am I hurt, but I am pissed.

733
00:40:46,280 --> 00:40:51,960
Speaker 1: And until you acknowledge that, it will be difficult for

734
00:40:52,160 --> 00:40:56,560
Speaker 1: you to heal from that because you're not allowing yourself

735
00:40:56,560 --> 00:41:02,720
Speaker 1: the space to be with whatever the feelings are.

736
00:41:03,600 --> 00:41:05,960
Speaker 2: Yes and down. The only thing I'd add to that is,

737
00:41:06,440 --> 00:41:10,000
Speaker 2: you know I like closure. Some people they need closures,

738
00:41:10,040 --> 00:41:12,120
Speaker 2: some people don't. But if we're not going to talk

739
00:41:12,239 --> 00:41:13,840
Speaker 2: or if we're going to be, I want to. I

740
00:41:13,880 --> 00:41:16,160
Speaker 2: want to get some closure. So let's let's have a conversation. Well,

741
00:41:16,160 --> 00:41:18,759
Speaker 2: agree not to talk. But when when I'm ignored and

742
00:41:18,800 --> 00:41:21,200
Speaker 2: like you reach out, you know, you write this letter

743
00:41:21,239 --> 00:41:23,160
Speaker 2: and then there's crickets. You have to figure out how

744
00:41:23,200 --> 00:41:25,239
Speaker 2: to get the closure on your own end, right, And

745
00:41:25,239 --> 00:41:27,759
Speaker 2: I think that's again part of being real. And for

746
00:41:27,840 --> 00:41:31,680
Speaker 2: me that consisted of journaling, writing lots of letters where

747
00:41:31,680 --> 00:41:33,120
Speaker 2: I was sort of role playing, like this is what

748
00:41:33,120 --> 00:41:35,480
Speaker 2: I would say to my mom in person, because you know,

749
00:41:35,560 --> 00:41:40,000
Speaker 2: she's not available to have the conversation and letting that

750
00:41:40,080 --> 00:41:42,440
Speaker 2: go because I got the closure that I need and

751
00:41:42,480 --> 00:41:45,439
Speaker 2: don This is a powerful statement, but I am so

752
00:41:45,520 --> 00:41:47,600
Speaker 2: honest when I say this. You know, I think about

753
00:41:47,640 --> 00:41:49,520
Speaker 2: death a lot, and you know that, like we've talked

754
00:41:49,560 --> 00:41:51,839
Speaker 2: about death on the podcast. And so when I wrote

755
00:41:51,840 --> 00:41:54,319
Speaker 2: this letter, as I began to get real with my

756
00:41:54,320 --> 00:41:57,000
Speaker 2: feelings and do this clearing work, I thought about you know,

757
00:41:57,200 --> 00:41:59,960
Speaker 2: there's a possibility that me or my mom could lead

758
00:42:00,120 --> 00:42:01,759
Speaker 2: this earth and we would not have had a chance

759
00:42:01,800 --> 00:42:03,360
Speaker 2: to talk. And that is so sad to me. That

760
00:42:03,440 --> 00:42:07,560
Speaker 2: is so pathetic that, like you were, two human beings

761
00:42:07,560 --> 00:42:09,600
Speaker 2: alive on this earth and we cannot have a conversation.

762
00:42:10,080 --> 00:42:12,239
Speaker 2: But it's not something that I'm in control of. And

763
00:42:12,280 --> 00:42:15,000
Speaker 2: so I had to be at peace with having said

764
00:42:15,040 --> 00:42:17,840
Speaker 2: everything that I wanted to say, releasing that, and I

765
00:42:17,880 --> 00:42:20,000
Speaker 2: hope it doesn't happen. I hope she's able to get

766
00:42:20,000 --> 00:42:22,040
Speaker 2: the healing she needs before she leaves this earth. But

767
00:42:22,480 --> 00:42:25,600
Speaker 2: I'm at peace where I've said all that I can say,

768
00:42:25,640 --> 00:42:27,520
Speaker 2: you know, And so I was real with myself to

769
00:42:27,560 --> 00:42:29,800
Speaker 2: the point where I know how I feel. I released

770
00:42:29,840 --> 00:42:31,239
Speaker 2: it and then I had to move on.

771
00:42:32,280 --> 00:42:42,600
Speaker 1: I think that's beautiful. And so our next tip establish boundaries, child,

772
00:42:42,880 --> 00:42:48,160
Speaker 1: if that listen, That is a tip that is applicable

773
00:42:48,280 --> 00:42:53,960
Speaker 1: to any relationship, right and just for yourself in general,

774
00:42:54,080 --> 00:42:59,480
Speaker 1: just knowing what your boundaries are and respecting the other

775
00:42:59,520 --> 00:43:04,799
Speaker 1: person's boundaries, even if their boundaries are not aligned with

776
00:43:04,920 --> 00:43:09,560
Speaker 1: ours and not in service of ours. Right, So I mean,

777
00:43:09,800 --> 00:43:11,680
Speaker 1: we don't you're not speaking to your mind, so we haven't.

778
00:43:11,920 --> 00:43:15,719
Speaker 1: We don't know this, but maybe her boundary was I'm

779
00:43:15,719 --> 00:43:19,719
Speaker 1: not gonna talk about things that hurt me. Right, Let's

780
00:43:19,760 --> 00:43:23,200
Speaker 1: just say hypothetically, right, that that is her boundary that

781
00:43:23,719 --> 00:43:27,200
Speaker 1: I do not talk about things that hurt me. As

782
00:43:27,280 --> 00:43:30,840
Speaker 1: unhealthy as I might view that, I have to also

783
00:43:31,040 --> 00:43:37,640
Speaker 1: recognize that, for whatever reason, in this part of her journey,

784
00:43:37,680 --> 00:43:40,520
Speaker 1: this is the boundary that she is setting for herself.

785
00:43:41,200 --> 00:43:45,200
Speaker 1: And so I'm gonna respect it. I don't have to

786
00:43:45,360 --> 00:43:48,480
Speaker 1: like it, but I'm going to respect it, right, because

787
00:43:48,520 --> 00:43:52,560
Speaker 1: we want that in return. But we have to know

788
00:43:52,640 --> 00:43:56,200
Speaker 1: what our boundaries are first exactly.

789
00:43:56,239 --> 00:43:57,840
Speaker 2: That is the key, and I will say in this

790
00:43:57,920 --> 00:44:00,719
Speaker 2: situation the boundaries. I put them in the letter, but

791
00:44:01,239 --> 00:44:04,080
Speaker 2: I also blocked her on certain social media platforms so

792
00:44:04,160 --> 00:44:08,120
Speaker 2: that there is no engagement there. And then I change

793
00:44:08,120 --> 00:44:11,200
Speaker 2: her number on my phone to something positive so that

794
00:44:11,280 --> 00:44:14,240
Speaker 2: I'm not triggered if I see like mom or something

795
00:44:14,320 --> 00:44:17,040
Speaker 2: come up. So that has it's been like something peaceful

796
00:44:17,080 --> 00:44:19,080
Speaker 2: and like beautiful as far as the name there, so

797
00:44:19,120 --> 00:44:21,120
Speaker 2: that she can still call, you know, if she wants,

798
00:44:21,120 --> 00:44:23,080
Speaker 2: but I'm not triggered when I see that, and it's like,

799
00:44:23,120 --> 00:44:25,239
Speaker 2: oh my gosh, it's this thing. And then the last

800
00:44:25,239 --> 00:44:27,279
Speaker 2: thing I'll say is, you know, if she ever does

801
00:44:27,360 --> 00:44:29,920
Speaker 2: come around and wants to have a relationship, a prerequisite

802
00:44:29,960 --> 00:44:33,279
Speaker 2: would be mediation or counseling with some type because I'm

803
00:44:33,280 --> 00:44:36,440
Speaker 2: not interested in going back into that cycle that we've

804
00:44:36,560 --> 00:44:38,600
Speaker 2: you know, lived through for years. So that is my

805
00:44:38,680 --> 00:44:39,640
Speaker 2: boundary around this.

806
00:44:40,080 --> 00:44:45,800
Speaker 1: That's a beautiful, beautiful boundary to have, because as you

807
00:44:45,920 --> 00:44:51,520
Speaker 1: share that, I think, Wow, how powerful if she does

808
00:44:51,600 --> 00:44:56,600
Speaker 1: come back around, How powerful and healing and transformative that

809
00:44:56,680 --> 00:44:59,959
Speaker 1: could be for you all to have mediation and counts

810
00:45:01,000 --> 00:45:01,439
Speaker 1: mm hmm.

811
00:45:02,680 --> 00:45:04,880
Speaker 2: And that takes us on to number three, which is

812
00:45:05,040 --> 00:45:09,920
Speaker 2: ritualistic clearing. And so when someone comes and tells me

813
00:45:10,320 --> 00:45:13,520
Speaker 2: like something that she did or something that she said

814
00:45:13,760 --> 00:45:16,920
Speaker 2: or done about, you know, regarding me or them, whatever

815
00:45:16,920 --> 00:45:19,440
Speaker 2: it might be, I've realized that there's the potential to

816
00:45:19,480 --> 00:45:22,120
Speaker 2: be retriggered by some of these things. I think oftentimes

817
00:45:22,160 --> 00:45:25,400
Speaker 2: people talk about forgiveness and it's sort of like a

818
00:45:25,440 --> 00:45:27,880
Speaker 2: one conversation thing, like a one sentence saying like, oh,

819
00:45:27,920 --> 00:45:30,359
Speaker 2: you got to forgive okay, now live life. But you

820
00:45:30,400 --> 00:45:35,160
Speaker 2: can be retriggered, like you can have that energetic connection reunited.

821
00:45:35,239 --> 00:45:38,080
Speaker 2: And so for me, there's this is a constant process, right,

822
00:45:38,120 --> 00:45:40,480
Speaker 2: So I'm constantly forgiving. When when I get triggered and

823
00:45:40,520 --> 00:45:42,759
Speaker 2: things come up and I feel those emotions, I go

824
00:45:42,800 --> 00:45:44,400
Speaker 2: through the steps. I share it with you, lady, I

825
00:45:44,480 --> 00:45:47,160
Speaker 2: go through them again, and I clear myself, I get

826
00:45:47,200 --> 00:45:50,759
Speaker 2: my space together and know that it's okay to feel

827
00:45:50,760 --> 00:45:52,920
Speaker 2: those feelings again. It's not like a set it and

828
00:45:52,920 --> 00:45:55,000
Speaker 2: forget it, where it's like, okay, I'm forgiven. Now I

829
00:45:55,040 --> 00:45:56,440
Speaker 2: can move on with life and it's never going to

830
00:45:56,480 --> 00:45:59,120
Speaker 2: happen again. No, you might be retriggered, right.

831
00:45:59,680 --> 00:46:02,839
Speaker 1: Yes, I think that that is an important point, that

832
00:46:03,960 --> 00:46:07,439
Speaker 1: it isn't going to be a one and done thing

833
00:46:08,280 --> 00:46:11,200
Speaker 1: that you know, and even in the best case scenario

834
00:46:11,520 --> 00:46:17,920
Speaker 1: of having mediation or counseling, doesn't mean that it won't

835
00:46:17,920 --> 00:46:22,520
Speaker 1: come up again, right, because there are What I've noticed

836
00:46:22,600 --> 00:46:26,520
Speaker 1: is that there can be different life events or little

837
00:46:26,520 --> 00:46:31,160
Speaker 1: small things that will activate us and will remind us

838
00:46:31,280 --> 00:46:36,560
Speaker 1: of something from childhood and bring us back to that place.

839
00:46:37,080 --> 00:46:40,520
Speaker 1: And so I think it is important to have a

840
00:46:40,640 --> 00:46:44,880
Speaker 1: ritual in place of how you are going to clear

841
00:46:44,960 --> 00:46:50,080
Speaker 1: your mind, clear your space, clear your energy so that

842
00:46:50,920 --> 00:46:55,080
Speaker 1: you don't hold on to it again. Yes, And so

843
00:46:55,880 --> 00:47:02,240
Speaker 1: that takes us to tip number four, grieving the vision

844
00:47:02,360 --> 00:47:07,000
Speaker 1: you had for the relationship. Now, I know that that

845
00:47:07,040 --> 00:47:12,400
Speaker 1: can be a hard one, right to really let yourself

846
00:47:13,200 --> 00:47:21,799
Speaker 1: think about and process, work through what you thought the

847
00:47:21,880 --> 00:47:26,840
Speaker 1: relationship was going to be and the loss that comes

848
00:47:26,880 --> 00:47:30,480
Speaker 1: with acknowledging that it's not going to be that right,

849
00:47:31,960 --> 00:47:37,560
Speaker 1: and that requires being really kind and compassionate with yourself

850
00:47:37,640 --> 00:47:44,520
Speaker 1: and nurturing that inner child. Because we're socialized to have

851
00:47:44,600 --> 00:47:47,880
Speaker 1: a certain image of what a mother daughter relationship is

852
00:47:47,880 --> 00:47:53,000
Speaker 1: supposed to be. And when you see that happening around

853
00:47:53,080 --> 00:47:58,759
Speaker 1: you and you couple that with the vision that you

854
00:47:59,160 --> 00:48:03,480
Speaker 1: had and recognizing that that's not going to happen, that

855
00:48:03,600 --> 00:48:08,400
Speaker 1: can be incredibly difficult to sit with.

856
00:48:09,400 --> 00:48:11,520
Speaker 2: You are right about that, dom And I will say,

857
00:48:11,560 --> 00:48:15,080
Speaker 2: sometimes the vision that we have that includes someone else

858
00:48:15,120 --> 00:48:17,600
Speaker 2: that is not ready to live up to that vision

859
00:48:18,000 --> 00:48:22,799
Speaker 2: can keep us in toxic situations or relationships because you're like, well,

860
00:48:22,800 --> 00:48:24,600
Speaker 2: I have this vision, so I'm just going to keep

861
00:48:24,600 --> 00:48:27,839
Speaker 2: showing up and keep you know, sometimes like being manipulated

862
00:48:27,920 --> 00:48:29,520
Speaker 2: or just like letting this person have their way or

863
00:48:29,560 --> 00:48:31,839
Speaker 2: not setting boundaries because I just want to keep the vision.

864
00:48:31,960 --> 00:48:33,560
Speaker 2: I found that was so hard for me to let

865
00:48:33,560 --> 00:48:36,960
Speaker 2: that go because I often thought about how beautiful would

866
00:48:37,000 --> 00:48:39,120
Speaker 2: it be to have the relations like the story that

867
00:48:39,200 --> 00:48:42,120
Speaker 2: we have individually and collectively, and to be able to

868
00:48:42,200 --> 00:48:44,440
Speaker 2: talk to mothers and daughters around the world about how

869
00:48:44,480 --> 00:48:48,120
Speaker 2: we were able to reconcile and heal, and that would

870
00:48:48,120 --> 00:48:51,160
Speaker 2: be so life changing for people. That is the vision

871
00:48:51,160 --> 00:48:52,719
Speaker 2: that I just held on so tight. And then I

872
00:48:52,760 --> 00:48:54,600
Speaker 2: was like, you know what, I got to let that

873
00:48:54,680 --> 00:48:56,759
Speaker 2: go because that's going to cause me to keep on

874
00:48:56,840 --> 00:48:59,480
Speaker 2: going back into this cycle that you know, she's not

875
00:48:59,560 --> 00:49:03,800
Speaker 2: available to show up for. So yes, grieving the vision. Girl.

876
00:49:03,920 --> 00:49:05,960
Speaker 2: It's a lot of work, but you can do it,

877
00:49:06,120 --> 00:49:07,880
Speaker 2: and it's sometimes it's so necessary.

878
00:49:08,400 --> 00:49:12,160
Speaker 1: Yeah, it is. I think I think you are absolutely

879
00:49:12,200 --> 00:49:15,760
Speaker 1: right that it is. It is necessary for your own healing.

880
00:49:16,560 --> 00:49:20,640
Speaker 1: It is because and I say this knowing that even

881
00:49:20,719 --> 00:49:26,080
Speaker 1: if it's not a relationship where you are estranged from

882
00:49:26,120 --> 00:49:30,560
Speaker 1: your mom, that there are still things like parents have

883
00:49:30,640 --> 00:49:32,920
Speaker 1: visions for us of like what they their dreams of

884
00:49:32,920 --> 00:49:34,799
Speaker 1: how they want us to be, and we're kind of like,

885
00:49:35,520 --> 00:49:37,439
Speaker 1: that's cute, Mom, but not that's not what I want

886
00:49:37,440 --> 00:49:41,759
Speaker 1: to do and that's not who I am, And mom

887
00:49:41,800 --> 00:49:44,200
Speaker 1: has to let go of that right, And so that's

888
00:49:44,200 --> 00:49:47,440
Speaker 1: the same thing that we have to do is recognize

889
00:49:47,480 --> 00:49:50,960
Speaker 1: that I had one vision of the relationship and this

890
00:49:51,160 --> 00:49:53,040
Speaker 1: is not exactly how things are going.

891
00:49:53,880 --> 00:49:57,640
Speaker 2: And that's okay, amen to that, don And that takes

892
00:49:57,719 --> 00:50:00,439
Speaker 2: us to number five, which is filling your life mother

893
00:50:00,640 --> 00:50:04,279
Speaker 2: energy that your mom is unable to provide. And so

894
00:50:04,560 --> 00:50:06,640
Speaker 2: when I think about, you know, at this point down

895
00:50:06,640 --> 00:50:10,160
Speaker 2: when this episode's released, I might have already had my baby. Yeah,

896
00:50:10,480 --> 00:50:13,719
Speaker 2: that's so crazy. Okay. So I've been thinking about me

897
00:50:14,680 --> 00:50:17,120
Speaker 2: and my daughter and the relationship that I want to

898
00:50:17,120 --> 00:50:20,439
Speaker 2: be with her, and I think about, you know, that

899
00:50:20,520 --> 00:50:22,480
Speaker 2: excites me, and that's a way for me to kind

900
00:50:22,520 --> 00:50:24,600
Speaker 2: of like just share some mother energy. And I've learned

901
00:50:24,680 --> 00:50:26,879
Speaker 2: so many lessons over my life, so I can give

902
00:50:26,920 --> 00:50:29,319
Speaker 2: those back. I think about communing with my grandmother, even

903
00:50:29,360 --> 00:50:32,040
Speaker 2: though she's in the spirit world now, being able to

904
00:50:32,080 --> 00:50:35,000
Speaker 2: just you know, think about our memories, watch videos. I

905
00:50:35,000 --> 00:50:38,360
Speaker 2: think about also getting clear on the type of motherly

906
00:50:38,440 --> 00:50:40,839
Speaker 2: and feminine energy that I want in my life and

907
00:50:40,880 --> 00:50:44,840
Speaker 2: creating a village of women around me that have that energy.

908
00:50:44,920 --> 00:50:46,759
Speaker 2: And when you know what you want, it's easier to

909
00:50:46,840 --> 00:50:49,239
Speaker 2: manifest it. So I think that's really key. So whether

910
00:50:49,280 --> 00:50:53,360
Speaker 2: it's a relationship with other women or you know, you

911
00:50:53,600 --> 00:50:57,319
Speaker 2: being the mother to another young woman. I think about

912
00:50:57,320 --> 00:51:00,520
Speaker 2: my doula, she's an older black woman and there's like

913
00:51:00,560 --> 00:51:03,120
Speaker 2: a motherly sort of connection there. And even my mother

914
00:51:03,160 --> 00:51:05,360
Speaker 2: in law, I mean, she's awesome as well. And so

915
00:51:05,520 --> 00:51:07,480
Speaker 2: I think that you're getting clear on what type of

916
00:51:07,560 --> 00:51:09,440
Speaker 2: energy you want in your life and then going out

917
00:51:09,480 --> 00:51:11,960
Speaker 2: and manifesting it can be really helpful.

918
00:51:12,400 --> 00:51:17,040
Speaker 1: Yes, I you know, in another episode where we talk

919
00:51:17,040 --> 00:51:19,640
Speaker 1: about building community, I speak about this about just the

920
00:51:19,760 --> 00:51:22,400
Speaker 1: different mother figures that I've had along the way in

921
00:51:22,480 --> 00:51:25,240
Speaker 1: my life, in addition to my own mom and grandmother.

922
00:51:25,320 --> 00:51:28,279
Speaker 1: And so I think that, yes, that is so important

923
00:51:28,440 --> 00:51:31,120
Speaker 1: is if that need is not getting met by the

924
00:51:31,160 --> 00:51:34,560
Speaker 1: person who gave you life, then it is okay to

925
00:51:34,600 --> 00:51:39,200
Speaker 1: get that need met from people who are willing and

926
00:51:39,400 --> 00:51:44,400
Speaker 1: able and capable of being that for you. Our final tip,

927
00:51:45,040 --> 00:51:48,600
Speaker 1: this is an important one, not that they all aren't important,

928
00:51:48,640 --> 00:51:55,280
Speaker 1: but this is important. Remember that hurt people hurt people.

929
00:51:56,880 --> 00:52:01,080
Speaker 1: Your mom is human, and you know, one of the

930
00:52:01,120 --> 00:52:06,680
Speaker 1: things that I work with college aid students on is

931
00:52:06,880 --> 00:52:12,160
Speaker 1: helping them understand their mom's perspective. They don't have to

932
00:52:12,280 --> 00:52:18,200
Speaker 1: agree with it, but oftentimes I think that it's important

933
00:52:18,719 --> 00:52:24,560
Speaker 1: when we can understand the other person's perspective, it helps

934
00:52:24,680 --> 00:52:28,880
Speaker 1: us kind of understand the situation a bit better. That

935
00:52:28,880 --> 00:52:31,359
Speaker 1: doesn't necessarily mean that it's going to lessen the hurt,

936
00:52:32,920 --> 00:52:36,360
Speaker 1: but it helps us understand the situation better.

937
00:52:36,880 --> 00:52:39,040
Speaker 2: Yes, I would agree with that, Dom, and I would

938
00:52:39,120 --> 00:52:41,920
Speaker 2: say that, you know, my mom has taught me so

939
00:52:42,040 --> 00:52:44,600
Speaker 2: much in this life, the positive experiences and then not

940
00:52:44,640 --> 00:52:47,160
Speaker 2: so positive. And I really would not take anything away

941
00:52:47,719 --> 00:52:51,360
Speaker 2: from my experience because it, you know, it's so cliche,

942
00:52:51,400 --> 00:52:53,080
Speaker 2: but it really did make me who I am, you know,

943
00:52:53,400 --> 00:52:55,200
Speaker 2: And I just think about, oh my gosh, I'm so

944
00:52:55,239 --> 00:52:57,480
Speaker 2: excited for motherhood and all the things that I'm going

945
00:52:57,520 --> 00:52:59,920
Speaker 2: to do with my babies. And I plan to have

946
00:53:00,080 --> 00:53:02,040
Speaker 2: more than one child, but we'll see what happens. But

947
00:53:02,440 --> 00:53:04,239
Speaker 2: this first baby, I plan to do so much. And

948
00:53:04,320 --> 00:53:07,280
Speaker 2: so I will say that, you know, even if your

949
00:53:07,560 --> 00:53:10,239
Speaker 2: mom has caused you the most pain, you know, the

950
00:53:10,280 --> 00:53:15,040
Speaker 2: deepest betrayal and heartbreak, like in my situation, that's my truth,

951
00:53:15,040 --> 00:53:18,160
Speaker 2: that's my experience, and it is sad, but I also

952
00:53:18,239 --> 00:53:21,200
Speaker 2: have so much compassion for her because when you think

953
00:53:21,239 --> 00:53:24,520
Speaker 2: about the way that someone shows up and behaves in life, right,

954
00:53:24,800 --> 00:53:27,799
Speaker 2: It's really a reflection of their internal world, like you

955
00:53:27,800 --> 00:53:30,120
Speaker 2: said earlier, has nothing to do with me, and so

956
00:53:30,239 --> 00:53:33,680
Speaker 2: for someone to be in that place, I really feel

957
00:53:33,680 --> 00:53:36,520
Speaker 2: for them deeply, you know, and pray for them. And Lady,

958
00:53:36,560 --> 00:53:38,120
Speaker 2: I hope that you can also extend your mom that

959
00:53:38,200 --> 00:53:41,680
Speaker 2: saying grace and prayer to get her stuff together, you know.

960
00:53:42,120 --> 00:53:43,920
Speaker 2: And Tom, I do want to share something else with you,

961
00:53:43,960 --> 00:53:46,719
Speaker 2: but I know that, Lady, this has become a long show,

962
00:53:46,800 --> 00:53:50,480
Speaker 2: So we're going to hop over into Patreon and do

963
00:53:50,600 --> 00:53:53,480
Speaker 2: our weekly after show like usual. So if you want

964
00:53:53,520 --> 00:53:55,520
Speaker 2: to join us, you can head on over to Herspace

965
00:53:55,520 --> 00:53:59,000
Speaker 2: podcast dot com, click on Patreon and a top tab,

966
00:53:59,520 --> 00:54:01,600
Speaker 2: and I'm enjoining us for the after show.

967
00:54:03,840 --> 00:54:07,160
Speaker 3: Hey, lady, it's doctor Dom here from the Cultivating her

968
00:54:07,200 --> 00:54:10,959
Speaker 3: Space podcast. Do you have a burning question you're dying

969
00:54:11,000 --> 00:54:14,680
Speaker 3: to get feedback on? Do you want an unbiased perspective

970
00:54:14,880 --> 00:54:20,000
Speaker 3: on a situation you're facing? If so, visit cultivatingheirspace dot

971
00:54:20,040 --> 00:54:24,800
Speaker 3: com and click ask doctor Dom under the start here option.

972
00:54:25,400 --> 00:54:28,759
Speaker 3: Every Tuesday, I'll choose a few questions and answer them

973
00:54:28,960 --> 00:54:35,360
Speaker 3: at random. Thanks for joining us today. Please note that

974
00:54:35,440 --> 00:54:41,399
Speaker 3: our show may contain conversations about self help, advice, self empowerment,

975
00:54:41,880 --> 00:54:45,080
Speaker 3: and mental health, but is by no means meant to

976
00:54:45,120 --> 00:54:49,080
Speaker 3: be a substitute for an ongoing formal relationship with a

977
00:54:49,120 --> 00:54:52,920
Speaker 3: trained mental health provider. If you are someone you know

978
00:54:53,520 --> 00:54:56,440
Speaker 3: is in need of mental health care, please visit a

979
00:54:56,560 --> 00:55:01,960
Speaker 3: Therapy for Black Girls directory Psychology today or contact your

980
00:55:01,960 --> 00:55:02,920
Speaker 3: insurance provider.

981
00:55:03,760 --> 00:55:05,480
Speaker 2: If you liked what you heard and want to keep

982
00:55:05,480 --> 00:55:10,160
Speaker 2: the conversation going, visit our website cultivatingherspace dot com, and

983
00:55:10,200 --> 00:55:12,720
Speaker 2: be sure to click the Patreon tab to get access

984
00:55:12,719 --> 00:55:17,600
Speaker 2: to video content, bonuses, and our weekly after show. And

985
00:55:17,680 --> 00:55:22,040
Speaker 2: before we meet again, repeat after me, I'm aligned with

986
00:55:22,200 --> 00:55:23,560
Speaker 2: my inevitable outcome.

987
00:55:24,560 --> 00:55:27,040
Speaker 1: We'll see you next week, Lady,