WEBVTT - Poetry by Ron Burgundy 0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:11.920 Ron Bug Podcast. It's fun podcast. It's him and now hello, 0:00:12.000 --> 0:00:15.520 my name is Ron Burgundy. And if that's not enough, 0:00:15.600 --> 0:00:20.400 we'll then go fudge yourself. Shoot, I said fudge, but 0:00:20.480 --> 0:00:24.000 I meant to say. This is my podcast and I'm 0:00:24.040 --> 0:00:28.840 sitting here with my best friend in the whole world, Carolina, who, 0:00:28.880 --> 0:00:33.080 by the way, is sporting a bright yellow neckerchief. Let's 0:00:33.120 --> 0:00:37.760 talk about that for a second. I'm not wearing anything 0:00:37.840 --> 0:00:42.080 yellow today. What are you talking about? Boy? You just 0:00:42.159 --> 0:00:44.800 go with it for once? Will you go with what 0:00:45.479 --> 0:00:48.040 you want me to? Lion say, I'm wearing a yellow knuckerchef. Yes, 0:00:48.200 --> 0:00:51.760 I do. I want you to lie and pretend it's 0:00:51.760 --> 0:00:56.600 a podcast, for Heaven's sake. Pretending is fun. Carolina. Didn't 0:00:56.600 --> 0:01:00.560 you even pretend with your dollies when you were a child. No, 0:01:00.800 --> 0:01:05.560 I didn't have dollies. No dollies. Hold dollies. Hold on, okay, 0:01:05.600 --> 0:01:08.320 let me get my head around that. When you were 0:01:08.360 --> 0:01:10.880 a young girl, you didn't have a dolly. I did 0:01:10.920 --> 0:01:13.480 not have a dolly. I don't even know if I 0:01:13.520 --> 0:01:19.280 called them that. No dollies. Very interesting? The puzzle is complete? 0:01:20.040 --> 0:01:24.880 What puzzle? A completed puzzle? What are you talking about? Oh? Nothing. 0:01:25.720 --> 0:01:29.039 Just the puzzle has come into complete view. All the 0:01:29.120 --> 0:01:33.760 pieces are in and there it is. Wow, yep, it 0:01:33.840 --> 0:01:36.639 all makes sense. Now, don't give a girl a dolly 0:01:36.720 --> 0:01:40.160 and well, you guys can see for yourself. Who's on 0:01:40.160 --> 0:01:44.520 the podcast today? No one run wonderful. We don't have 0:01:44.560 --> 0:01:49.440 a guest, simply wonderful. Well, it's been a real lumpy, 0:01:49.520 --> 0:01:51.600 dumpy mass of a year with no one able to 0:01:51.800 --> 0:01:54.880 come down here to the ron Burgundy studios because of COVID. 0:01:54.920 --> 0:01:59.040 But the ron Burgundy Radio Hour must go on a podcast, run, 0:01:59.200 --> 0:02:02.160 run the ron Berg podcast, So we'll just have to 0:02:02.200 --> 0:02:05.920 wing it. You want to wing it today? Unlike yes, 0:02:06.320 --> 0:02:09.840 let's just wing it. Um. In fact, why don't we 0:02:09.880 --> 0:02:13.240 do this? Read me that list I made when we 0:02:13.280 --> 0:02:16.000 started this whole journey, you know, the list of topics 0:02:16.000 --> 0:02:20.880 I wanted to cover this one. Yes, that's the baby. 0:02:21.440 --> 0:02:26.040 Read me some of those. There's literally thousands of subjects. 0:02:26.080 --> 0:02:30.520 I know, I know read a few. Okay, Um, I 0:02:30.639 --> 0:02:35.480 discussed man to Raise. That was one wonderful, a two parter, 0:02:36.040 --> 0:02:39.520 and some controversial opinions on that one. But not today. 0:02:39.760 --> 0:02:43.920 Keep going, okay, um, just stop me if you want 0:02:44.600 --> 0:02:49.440 to choose one? Uh should I get a glass eyeball 0:02:52.120 --> 0:02:56.400 not today, okay. Ron opens up about rock collecting pass 0:02:57.000 --> 0:03:00.959 I tell women how to dress, no my time and 0:03:01.120 --> 0:03:07.200 nexium inappropriate, the care and maintenance of donkeys. I called 0:03:07.280 --> 0:03:10.639 Janet at the airline and give her a piece of 0:03:10.680 --> 0:03:15.120 my mind for being a huge to me. You want 0:03:15.120 --> 0:03:18.359 to do that one? No? No, but but but that's accurate. 0:03:18.960 --> 0:03:23.560 The treasures of the deep. What does that mean? How 0:03:23.600 --> 0:03:29.160 to build and maintain the perfect ham sandwich? Is the sun? 0:03:29.440 --> 0:03:35.560 Jealous of the moon? Minnesota the land of the unknown. 0:03:36.560 --> 0:03:38.880 Not quite yet. We're not ready for that one yet, 0:03:38.880 --> 0:03:42.880 not yet, not yet. I interview a real life paper boy. 0:03:43.680 --> 0:03:47.520 My top five hundred Christmas songs of all time? Your 0:03:47.560 --> 0:03:52.800 top five hundred? My top the one where Ross moves in? 0:03:53.400 --> 0:03:59.720 Is that a friend's episode? All about mer cats? I 0:04:00.040 --> 0:04:05.120 share my knowledge about boners. I don't think so. I 0:04:05.160 --> 0:04:10.840 interview hot new writer Miss Jane Austen No my complete 0:04:10.880 --> 0:04:16.279 guide to luxurious living, Keep going. I interview a doctor 0:04:16.400 --> 0:04:19.240 on the show, but really use it to sneak in 0:04:19.400 --> 0:04:22.520 a free exam without paying. It's a great idea, but 0:04:22.960 --> 0:04:28.560 not today. The truth behind the Burgundy Method. My six 0:04:28.760 --> 0:04:33.320 part conversation with Bill Belichick. We would need coach Belichick 0:04:33.400 --> 0:04:37.320 for that one. I read my poetry. Wait, wait a second, 0:04:37.400 --> 0:04:44.279 stop stop right there, I'm stopping up their easy horse, steady, steady, 0:04:44.400 --> 0:04:49.880 stops easy. Let's see. I read my poetry. I like 0:04:50.000 --> 0:04:53.000 that one. Do you even write poetry? I mean enough 0:04:53.040 --> 0:05:01.200 to fill a whole show? Okay, I get it. Just 0:05:01.320 --> 0:05:12.280 say yes, you've made your point, Carolina. You are a 0:05:12.320 --> 0:05:18.720 fussy old mussy head. Sometimes wonderful Carolina, just wonderful. Of course, 0:05:18.760 --> 0:05:22.200 I write poetry. I have so many poems. They could 0:05:22.200 --> 0:05:26.400 fill ten libraries with my poems, and one day they will. Yes, 0:05:27.040 --> 0:05:30.720 I write poetry. Okay. I mean you could have just 0:05:30.800 --> 0:05:33.520 said yes, well, I just I probably write one or 0:05:33.560 --> 0:05:37.640 two very good poems a day, but sometimes I'll write 0:05:37.839 --> 0:05:42.479 a hundred. Uh wow. Okay, do you have any of 0:05:42.520 --> 0:05:44.960 these poems on you? We're going to do the episode today. 0:05:45.760 --> 0:05:52.000 Wonderful treasure Carolina. Uh No, I keep my poems locked 0:05:52.000 --> 0:05:55.760 in a vault in my storage unit in Arizona. However, 0:05:55.920 --> 0:06:00.520 I do have about a thousand or so roughly that's 0:06:00.520 --> 0:06:04.920 an estimation, in the trunk of my car. Oh okay. 0:06:04.920 --> 0:06:07.280 Should we take a commercial break and then we can 0:06:07.320 --> 0:06:10.960 go get them. Not we buddy, not a chance. I 0:06:11.080 --> 0:06:13.560 will go and get the poetry. That's fine. I'm not 0:06:13.560 --> 0:06:16.320 gonna let you or anyone else take a look at 0:06:16.360 --> 0:06:18.880 the trunk of my car. I've said this maybe a 0:06:18.920 --> 0:06:22.400 million times, right, I mean, if anyone gets near the 0:06:22.440 --> 0:06:26.640 trunk of my car, anyone, man, woman, or child, they 0:06:26.640 --> 0:06:29.520 will get kicked in the face. Okay. And we've gone 0:06:29.560 --> 0:06:33.240 through this before, right Carolina. I mean, you remember what 0:06:33.360 --> 0:06:37.159 happened last time someone broke into my trunk. It was 0:06:37.240 --> 0:06:40.480 what time? Um? I think you said it was hospital time. 0:06:40.640 --> 0:06:45.360 That's right, it was hospital time for those people. Yeah. 0:06:45.600 --> 0:06:51.360 Is the trunk of my car is a sacred space? Okay? 0:06:51.520 --> 0:06:56.880 And it's not because of weird reasons. It sounds weird, 0:06:56.520 --> 0:07:03.560 it's not. The insistence is weird. The insistence of wanting 0:07:03.600 --> 0:07:07.840 to protect the sanctity of my trunk is weird. This, yeah, 0:07:07.880 --> 0:07:12.280 the sacredness, the sanctity, the aggressive the way you talk 0:07:12.320 --> 0:07:14.640 about it. But you know what happens if you go 0:07:14.720 --> 0:07:18.239 near my trunk. It's hospital time. What time? It's hospital time? 0:07:18.480 --> 0:07:23.240 Say it again, it's hospital time. Okay, hold on on 0:07:23.280 --> 0:07:27.120 that note. I'm gonna go go to my trunk alright, alright, 0:07:27.160 --> 0:07:31.120 I'm not gonna ask about it. Um, the Ron Burgundy 0:07:31.160 --> 0:07:46.720 Podcast will be right back. I guess hello everyone, I'm 0:07:46.800 --> 0:07:49.920 Ron Burgundy, and today on the podcast you'll be getting 0:07:50.000 --> 0:07:53.160 some top shelf culture with some of the finest poetry 0:07:53.560 --> 0:07:57.640 you've ever heard in your life, my own, Carolina, do 0:07:57.800 --> 0:08:00.520 me and our listeners a favorite and describe what you're 0:08:00.520 --> 0:08:05.239 looking at. Um. Ron went into his trunk, his sacred trunk, 0:08:05.600 --> 0:08:10.480 and um, well, there are boxes and boxes of crumpled 0:08:10.520 --> 0:08:15.480 paper and napkins and like rolls and rolls and rolls 0:08:15.480 --> 0:08:19.480 of toilet paper, pristine rolls of toilet paper, and um 0:08:19.760 --> 0:08:23.440 and notebooks all over the studio. Now, way more than 0:08:23.720 --> 0:08:26.320 I feel like I could fit in the trunk of 0:08:26.320 --> 0:08:29.360 your car. But I guess not so not so. Packing 0:08:29.440 --> 0:08:32.200 a trunk of a car is an art form. It 0:08:32.360 --> 0:08:36.760 requires great skill and geometric knowledge, which I possess in spades. 0:08:37.559 --> 0:08:40.280 I could and probably will, do a whole show on 0:08:40.440 --> 0:08:44.320 packing a car trunk. Write that down, Carolina, how to 0:08:44.440 --> 0:08:48.600 pack your car? That's an episode. Damn it, You're you're 0:08:48.679 --> 0:08:52.080 not writing it down. Ron Burgundy and the Art of 0:08:52.120 --> 0:08:55.360 Packing your car? How about that for a ratings bonanza? 0:08:55.600 --> 0:09:01.960 Write it down. Okay, folks, if you're listening at home, 0:09:02.440 --> 0:09:05.400 well you'd have to be listening. Young Carolina has her 0:09:05.520 --> 0:09:09.360 arms folded like a librarian with a stick upper butt. 0:09:09.400 --> 0:09:12.839 And she is not, I repeat, not writing a thing down. 0:09:13.960 --> 0:09:16.320 But I love it for that. She is a dinder 0:09:16.360 --> 0:09:20.040 doodle bodkin by Colly. Anyway, I'm going to read some 0:09:20.080 --> 0:09:24.080 poetry today, some great poetry. So sit back and prepare 0:09:24.120 --> 0:09:28.520 to be blown away. Are you ready to Carolina? I'm sorry, 0:09:28.559 --> 0:09:32.960 I'm having trouble concentrating. How many rolls of toilet paper 0:09:33.040 --> 0:09:37.400 do you have here? It looks like you had like 0:09:37.440 --> 0:09:39.600 a hundred rolls of toilet paper in the trunk of 0:09:39.600 --> 0:09:43.640 your car. Yes, for tonight? What do you mean for tonight? 0:09:43.679 --> 0:09:46.439 Are you doing something? How many rolls of toilet paper 0:09:46.480 --> 0:09:48.640 do you use in one day? I'm not going to 0:09:48.720 --> 0:09:51.800 tell you that no nobody, because nobody believes me, so 0:09:52.440 --> 0:09:55.720 I'll believe you. But how many do you use? Now? 0:09:55.800 --> 0:09:58.640 I have to know how many do I use? I 0:09:58.840 --> 0:10:02.679 use sixty rolls of toilet paper a day. Now you don't, 0:10:03.320 --> 0:10:06.680 that's not possible. Listen. I like to groom. I like 0:10:06.800 --> 0:10:09.800 to put cologne on my neck. I like to brush 0:10:09.840 --> 0:10:12.120 my chest hair from time to time. And yes, I 0:10:12.240 --> 0:10:16.240 like to wipe, all right, can we please just get 0:10:16.280 --> 0:10:19.920 back to the episode. And I like to wipe vigorously 0:10:20.520 --> 0:10:23.960 and often. All right, I'm sorry, okay, I am, in 0:10:24.040 --> 0:10:27.080 fact curious about what kind of poetry you write. So yeah, 0:10:27.120 --> 0:10:28.560 let's get back to the I'll tell you what type 0:10:28.559 --> 0:10:32.360 I write, only the best. Okay, So hand me, hand 0:10:32.400 --> 0:10:39.640 me one from that stack over there, all right, let 0:10:39.679 --> 0:10:45.120 me unfold this. Yes, oh, this one is called the bucket. 0:10:46.160 --> 0:10:50.760 I read there once was a man from Nantucket who 0:10:50.840 --> 0:10:54.079 kept all his whoop in a bucket. After a week, 0:10:54.360 --> 0:10:58.000 the bucket did leak, so he found a bag and said, 0:10:59.559 --> 0:11:03.000 that's quite a poem, am, I right, sure it's. I mean, 0:11:03.040 --> 0:11:05.680 it's a limerick, but it's a form of poetry. I 0:11:05.720 --> 0:11:08.240 guess if you want to call that. Okay, So, so 0:11:08.320 --> 0:11:12.040 you don't like that one, I can do more than limericks. Here, 0:11:12.200 --> 0:11:20.640 hand me another, all right. This one is called the 0:11:20.760 --> 0:11:24.840 magical Can. I once knew a man in a van 0:11:25.440 --> 0:11:28.640 who pooped in a magical can. Jesus, the more he 0:11:28.679 --> 0:11:32.800 would pooh, the more the can grew. It truly was 0:11:33.160 --> 0:11:38.800 a magical can. I like the delivery sensational, right, sure, 0:11:39.360 --> 0:11:42.400 I can tell that the pride is there. Yes, And 0:11:42.480 --> 0:11:45.800 here's a little fun tidbit. I remember where that one 0:11:45.880 --> 0:11:48.680 came to me. I was walking the great Pacific rim Trail. 0:11:49.280 --> 0:11:51.560 It was morning, and the birds were just beginning the 0:11:51.640 --> 0:11:55.079 long symphony of their day. The sun appeared over the 0:11:55.160 --> 0:11:59.560 eastern ridge, spreading a glorious orange red light, and the 0:11:59.600 --> 0:12:02.520 magic steve. It all flooded in a great wave of 0:12:02.640 --> 0:12:06.640 warm inner feeling I shall never forget. So then you 0:12:06.679 --> 0:12:09.480 were moved. You just had to get it down. The 0:12:09.520 --> 0:12:15.480 poem about poop Carolina. You know, not the mind of 0:12:15.520 --> 0:12:21.280 the poet. The poet is a dreamer and a dancer, right, Okay, 0:12:21.320 --> 0:12:27.080 I'm just curious. Have you written anything that's not a limerick? Um? 0:12:27.160 --> 0:12:33.440 Let me see, hand me one from that pile. Okay, yes, okay. 0:12:34.360 --> 0:12:38.040 I once knew a lady named Regina. We had cucumbers 0:12:38.120 --> 0:12:44.120 up her. Not appropriate? Okay, give me another. Okay, there 0:12:44.160 --> 0:12:47.480 once was a bloke who was all wrong, but who 0:12:47.520 --> 0:12:51.040 was blessed with an elephant dong. Okay, that must be 0:12:51.120 --> 0:12:54.920 my my blue pile for adult crowds only got it. Okay, 0:12:55.080 --> 0:12:57.199 So that's why I don't know if I've ever told 0:12:57.240 --> 0:12:58.600 you about this, But there was a time when I 0:12:58.640 --> 0:13:01.600 was hired to do risk scap parties for adults only. 0:13:02.120 --> 0:13:04.280 It was a way to make some extra bucks on 0:13:04.320 --> 0:13:06.600 the side, and not a bad place to pick up 0:13:06.600 --> 0:13:10.079 a board housewife. I might add I was known around 0:13:10.080 --> 0:13:13.280 San Diego not as Ron Burgundy, but as Slappy Newsome, 0:13:13.800 --> 0:13:17.079 and I booked a lot of parties. I still perform 0:13:17.160 --> 0:13:19.640 from time to time as Slappy Newsom. If I'm short 0:13:19.720 --> 0:13:22.520 on bread. Well, you don't want to hear about that. 0:13:23.040 --> 0:13:25.640 Everything's always great with Ron, as far as you know, 0:13:26.240 --> 0:13:29.920 it's not never any problems. Ald Ron on top of 0:13:29.960 --> 0:13:32.840 the world. Well, sometimes it feels like fire ants have 0:13:33.000 --> 0:13:38.480 crawled up my Okay, okay, what what's in that box 0:13:38.520 --> 0:13:41.679 over there? Probably Limerix from what you've read, Okay, give 0:13:41.679 --> 0:13:47.520 me that. Okay, all right, I read they're Once was 0:13:47.559 --> 0:13:50.360 a woman named Leah here we go, and she loved 0:13:50.400 --> 0:13:54.360 to drink her sangria. But when she ate some roast duck, 0:13:54.720 --> 0:13:58.360 she ran out of luck when the bird caused her 0:13:58.400 --> 0:14:04.160 to squirt diarrhea. Oh come on, come on, what maybe 0:14:04.200 --> 0:14:09.760 something more serious? Diarrhea is serious business? Okay, serious business, 0:14:09.800 --> 0:14:12.319 don't mess around a diarrhea. It's nothing to laugh about. 0:14:12.760 --> 0:14:15.800 That poem was more like a public service announcement. But okay, 0:14:16.000 --> 0:14:18.439 what's in that box over there? Hand me one from 0:14:18.440 --> 0:14:26.000 that box. Ah? Yes, The Phantom Wind by Ronald R. Burgundy. 0:14:26.720 --> 0:14:29.520 This must be one of my my more youthful poems. 0:14:29.560 --> 0:14:32.760 When the world was young and love lingered longingly in 0:14:32.800 --> 0:14:35.720 the air. I was probably no older than you when 0:14:35.720 --> 0:14:38.040 this poem was written. Oh, I bet it's a limerick. 0:14:38.320 --> 0:14:42.600 Heck no. I said this to some serious literary journal 0:14:42.640 --> 0:14:46.200 like Reader's Digest, to be published so I could make 0:14:46.240 --> 0:14:48.920 my way in the world as a young writer, long 0:14:48.960 --> 0:14:53.400 before my prestigious career in the news business. Hm, I'll read, 0:14:53.720 --> 0:15:00.760 let me read it the Phantom Wind. The wind blew 0:15:00.800 --> 0:15:05.320 into town today, dressed in linen and lace. She held 0:15:05.320 --> 0:15:09.120 herself in great esteem. Even as she brushed my face. 0:15:10.320 --> 0:15:14.760 I was unaware of where she went other faces angrily, 0:15:14.920 --> 0:15:19.040 I guessed. She left so quickly then, and left me 0:15:19.680 --> 0:15:26.360 with what I missed. Are you okay? You don't look okay? 0:15:27.600 --> 0:15:35.000 Ron ron come on, are you have to do it? 0:15:36.680 --> 0:15:39.680 Poujie is a double edged sword. You know. It cuts 0:15:39.720 --> 0:15:45.280 both ways. Beauty and the ugly truth, joy and sadness. 0:15:46.360 --> 0:15:59.600 Sometimes the pain keep going of creation is simply bearable. Okay, 0:16:00.000 --> 0:16:04.680 oh the muses, Why do you ensnare me and your 0:16:04.840 --> 0:16:11.680 tortures guile? I don't know, al right, Hand me one 0:16:11.720 --> 0:16:16.880 from that pile. Here we go. This one is called 0:16:17.000 --> 0:16:21.000 simply the tart. I once knew a fabulous tart who 0:16:21.120 --> 0:16:23.720 was chased out of town on a card. But before 0:16:23.800 --> 0:16:27.080 she did go, she let her butt blow a most 0:16:27.160 --> 0:16:36.040 magnificent fart. That wonderful poetry is the window to the soul, 0:16:36.120 --> 0:16:39.960 they say. My my favorite poet is Ron McEwen, probably 0:16:39.960 --> 0:16:43.680 the greatest American poet of all time. But then you 0:16:43.720 --> 0:16:47.520 know that, Oh no, I actually I've never heard of him. 0:16:47.560 --> 0:16:50.680 Of course, I'm sure your favorite poet is Britney Spears 0:16:51.560 --> 0:16:54.400 or whoever you listen to when you're not out riding 0:16:54.480 --> 0:16:58.240 your horse. I don't ride a horse, Yes you do, No, 0:16:58.440 --> 0:17:02.080 I don't. Metaphorically speaking, what do you think girls do like? 0:17:02.120 --> 0:17:04.879 I don't have dollies. I don't ride a horse. Okay, 0:17:04.920 --> 0:17:07.480 I take it back, it's not a metaphor. You straight 0:17:07.560 --> 0:17:10.639 up ride a horse. You call the horse horsey because 0:17:10.640 --> 0:17:12.840 you lack imagination. Tell me I'm right. I'm not going 0:17:12.920 --> 0:17:16.639 to tell you no, I don't ride a horse. Okay, 0:17:17.320 --> 0:17:20.440 you win. I thought I knew you, But you're as 0:17:20.480 --> 0:17:23.760 foreign to me as a pair of blue jeans. I 0:17:23.760 --> 0:17:29.080 want to hear another poem. I mean, okay, what about 0:17:29.080 --> 0:17:31.640 a love poem. I think everyone would like to hear 0:17:31.800 --> 0:17:36.040 a Ron Burgundy love poem. Make it like coming right 0:17:36.160 --> 0:17:40.600 up hand me that. Oh, yes, that napkin from the 0:17:40.640 --> 0:17:48.399 stack over there. Yes, Oh, I remember this, Jim. I 0:17:48.440 --> 0:17:51.480 wrote this one night in a two dollar hotel room 0:17:51.520 --> 0:17:55.119 in San Francisco, back when they had two dollar hotel rooms. 0:17:55.359 --> 0:18:02.479 It's called the daffodils. Death deals everywhere in bunches and 0:18:02.560 --> 0:18:05.679 spread out all over the room I'm in. It's an 0:18:05.720 --> 0:18:10.560 explosion of daffodils. All I can say is wow, here 0:18:10.600 --> 0:18:16.800 and there daffodils on my bed and on the window sill. Daffodils. 0:18:17.240 --> 0:18:21.840 There must be hundreds of them. Wait, they're not called daffodils. 0:18:22.440 --> 0:18:28.880 I was confused. They're called ladybugs. That that was your 0:18:29.080 --> 0:18:31.240 This doesn't sound like a love poem. It sounds more 0:18:31.280 --> 0:18:33.399 like maybe in nature. I don't know, I don't know 0:18:33.400 --> 0:18:35.920 what that was. Well, when you're older and you've traveled 0:18:35.920 --> 0:18:39.480 the world and seen men cut by knives and monsters 0:18:39.520 --> 0:18:42.199 of every shape and size, you'll understand that that was 0:18:42.280 --> 0:18:46.360 indeed a love poem. Give me another one quick, here 0:18:46.400 --> 0:18:51.760 we go, all right? Ah the Best by Ron Burgundy. 0:18:52.080 --> 0:18:55.320 I am the very best there is. There's no one 0:18:55.400 --> 0:18:58.720 better in the biz. I know how to get it done. 0:18:59.240 --> 0:19:02.919 It's why I'm own as number one. My shoes and 0:19:03.000 --> 0:19:06.760 my belt are leather. My overcoat can handle any weather. 0:19:07.760 --> 0:19:13.159 I have many handmade boots. I have many more handmade suits. 0:19:14.080 --> 0:19:18.400 I own hundreds of movies on VHS. So you see, 0:19:18.680 --> 0:19:24.840 I am the best. Good but not great. Yeah, not 0:19:24.960 --> 0:19:27.760 as moving. Yeah, I probably that one out on a 0:19:27.800 --> 0:19:30.159 bus or something. You know, not every poem is going 0:19:30.200 --> 0:19:32.680 to be worthy of an oscar. But still it's worth 0:19:32.800 --> 0:19:36.480 publishing in a book. I don't well, I'm sorry. Why 0:19:36.560 --> 0:19:38.720 haven't you put all these poems in a buck? Oh 0:19:38.720 --> 0:19:41.960 that's a great question. Well, I I have plans right now. 0:19:42.000 --> 0:19:45.800 I have enough for sixteen volumes of poetry, roughly the 0:19:45.840 --> 0:19:49.359 size of a set of encyclopedias. But I don't want 0:19:49.400 --> 0:19:52.720 to separate them. So I'm designing one book about the 0:19:52.760 --> 0:19:56.600 size of a California King bed battress. It's going to 0:19:56.640 --> 0:20:00.680 be over ten thousand pages long, and it should weigh 0:20:00.760 --> 0:20:04.520 around seven hundred pounds, but I'd like it to cost 0:20:04.560 --> 0:20:09.200 around fourteen bucks. And and that's well, it's funny you 0:20:09.200 --> 0:20:11.600 should say that, because that's where the big publishing houses 0:20:11.600 --> 0:20:14.440 are fighting me. They say it's the size that they're 0:20:14.480 --> 0:20:17.280 bumping up against. And I may end up building my 0:20:17.320 --> 0:20:21.399 own printing press to get around that. That would really 0:20:21.440 --> 0:20:24.760 turn the publishing world upside down. A seven hundred pound 0:20:25.000 --> 0:20:28.960 book of poetry the size of a bed mattress. Think 0:20:28.960 --> 0:20:32.600 about that. I mean, I've always been a disruptor. I 0:20:32.680 --> 0:20:36.120 believe in going against the status quo. And and if 0:20:36.119 --> 0:20:40.399 you're a poet, then you know how I feel. Lord 0:20:40.760 --> 0:20:58.840 at all lauded it? Lord did it at all? Lord Lord, 0:20:59.000 --> 0:21:10.040 don't deed de lord do don't do deed? Lord de 0:21:11.320 --> 0:21:19.600 lorded DoD Lord de lord, dear don't lord DoD do 0:21:19.920 --> 0:21:31.160 de de lord de lordie do de run? Hello, Hello, 0:21:31.560 --> 0:21:34.800 run Carolina? How did you get in my room? I'm 0:21:35.000 --> 0:21:37.119 sorry you were lost there for a second. Are you 0:21:37.600 --> 0:21:41.159 going to read more poetry? Do? I'll leave you? Okay, 0:21:41.560 --> 0:21:45.480 give me another one? Oh? Okay? Oh my what do 0:21:45.560 --> 0:21:50.960 we have here? Oh, perhaps perhaps this one is too personal, 0:21:51.600 --> 0:21:56.280 too raw. Let's uh yeah, let's save that for another day. 0:21:56.600 --> 0:21:58.600 Some of these poems go straight to my heart and 0:21:58.680 --> 0:22:01.280 I and I'm honest not sure if I have the 0:22:01.400 --> 0:22:05.720 courage to share them with all the world. Okay, we'll 0:22:05.760 --> 0:22:09.240 pass on that one. No, no, damn it. They were 0:22:09.320 --> 0:22:12.440 meant to be shared, no matter how revealing, I'll do it. 0:22:13.359 --> 0:22:16.399 I feel compelled to let the listeners know. This poem 0:22:16.640 --> 0:22:19.360 is as close to say T. S. Eliot or Sylvia 0:22:19.440 --> 0:22:23.280 Plath as I can get. There's nuance here in every word, 0:22:23.760 --> 0:22:26.720 but for the secret of truth, there's a great reward 0:22:26.800 --> 0:22:30.159 in discovering its meaning. In short, this might be my 0:22:30.480 --> 0:22:36.359 most personal poem. Okay, wow, okay, it's titled what did 0:22:36.400 --> 0:22:40.040 you say? That's exciting? I'm interested. It's titled the Man 0:22:40.359 --> 0:22:47.399 from Afar. Okay, h and I read. I once had 0:22:47.440 --> 0:22:51.960 a roommate named Steve, and he had one big pet Peeve. 0:22:52.640 --> 0:22:56.359 When I ate all his beans and took out his window, 0:22:57.000 --> 0:23:03.600 that's when he begged me to leave. Wonderful, simply wonderful. 0:23:04.200 --> 0:23:07.520 Hand me another, milady, I'm sorry, where is Steve today? 0:23:07.600 --> 0:23:09.960 Do you know? Well, Honestly, that was the least of 0:23:10.040 --> 0:23:13.760 our problems. Yes, when I out his window, I mean 0:23:13.840 --> 0:23:17.040 we we had so many bigger issues as roommates. I'm 0:23:17.080 --> 0:23:20.680 going to say some constructive criticism about that pass. I 0:23:20.840 --> 0:23:25.040 don't think it's that good. That's my note. I it's 0:23:25.080 --> 0:23:27.520 not like Sylvia Plath or t s Elliott at all. 0:23:27.640 --> 0:23:29.400 So I don't know why. Okay, And I will say 0:23:29.480 --> 0:23:31.720 this back to you. Get off my chain, okay, because 0:23:32.080 --> 0:23:34.119 I write in the style that is best for what 0:23:34.359 --> 0:23:37.880 I'm trying to convey. You want an epic, I have epics. 0:23:38.400 --> 0:23:40.399 You want to sonnet, I have sonnets. You you want 0:23:40.440 --> 0:23:42.879 a nursery rhyme? I have those two. Great, Okay, give 0:23:42.960 --> 0:23:45.320 me a nursery rhyme. We'll do. We'll do. Hand that 0:23:45.440 --> 0:23:51.600 purple box over there. Okay. These are these ones that 0:23:51.640 --> 0:23:54.040 are written in cran Yes, I mean it's the only 0:23:54.119 --> 0:23:57.080 way to write nursery rhymes. Someone should put out a 0:23:57.200 --> 0:24:01.040 book of my nursery rhymes. Mother goose as one probably 0:24:01.160 --> 0:24:03.720 not her real name, by the way, probably something like 0:24:04.359 --> 0:24:08.080 gooster Lich or goose Bomb, and she changed it to 0:24:08.160 --> 0:24:10.760 sell more books. If I was a betting man, I 0:24:10.800 --> 0:24:14.240 would say her name was Jennifer goos Ington and some 0:24:14.440 --> 0:24:18.560 smartass publisher came up with mother Goose. Anyway, I think 0:24:18.640 --> 0:24:20.800 I should have a book of nursery rhymes out there. 0:24:21.240 --> 0:24:24.879 I would call it ron Burgundy's Better Bountiful Book of 0:24:25.040 --> 0:24:29.760 silly children's Verse. I can't wait to read that. Um. 0:24:30.240 --> 0:24:35.960 Let's hear one. Okay, this one's called the spider Spider, 0:24:36.080 --> 0:24:39.200 Spider way a pie. Do you want my cherry pie? 0:24:40.080 --> 0:24:43.520 Come down, Come down on your string. Let me hear 0:24:43.720 --> 0:24:47.960 your small mouth sing, sing me a spider lullaby, and 0:24:48.160 --> 0:24:52.880 you shall have my cherry pie. That wasn't actually that bad, 0:24:53.280 --> 0:24:55.959 I'm compared to some of your other stuff. I mean, 0:24:56.000 --> 0:24:59.600 I was expecting more of an adult version of children's 0:24:59.720 --> 0:25:03.200 verse coming from you, But I'm impressed that was That 0:25:03.400 --> 0:25:06.160 was reasonable. Yeah, I mean I know my way around 0:25:06.280 --> 0:25:09.240 nursery rhymes, young lady, Okay, I can see that. Here's 0:25:09.240 --> 0:25:13.320 one one time, two time, three time four We used 0:25:13.359 --> 0:25:17.560 our butts to mop the floor. Yeah, that's more simple, straightforward, 0:25:17.640 --> 0:25:20.399 easy on the ears. Oh, poetry should be easy on 0:25:20.520 --> 0:25:23.119 the ears, which is not to say all poetry should 0:25:23.119 --> 0:25:26.440 be about kittens and lambs. No poetry needs to explore 0:25:26.600 --> 0:25:32.160 darker subjects man's inner struggles, loss and pain and suffering, 0:25:32.600 --> 0:25:37.080 war and famine, heartbreak and fear. This is a poem 0:25:37.119 --> 0:25:41.160 I wrote that addresses such depth of exploration of which 0:25:41.240 --> 0:25:47.440 I speak. It's simply titled Venus. M hmm. That night 0:25:47.560 --> 0:25:51.520 there was something between us. She said she was from 0:25:51.640 --> 0:25:56.680 the planet Venus, from below and above. We made sweet love. 0:25:57.600 --> 0:26:02.280 In the morning she showed me her penis. Well, what 0:26:02.359 --> 0:26:05.720 do you think? Huh? Pretty solid? Right, that's a poem. 0:26:06.480 --> 0:26:21.760 That is a poem, I guess. Okay, Ms Swarthmore if 0:26:21.800 --> 0:26:24.200 you think you can read me a better one, any 0:26:24.280 --> 0:26:27.280 poem you can remember, or something from the internet, really anything, 0:26:27.320 --> 0:26:30.560 I'll tell you if it's up to my standards. Oh um, 0:26:30.680 --> 0:26:33.359 well I didn't go to Swarthmore. Well, one of the 0:26:33.640 --> 0:26:39.920 s schools Smith Swinkleton's scripts. Suremount Shire Shop, you know 0:26:40.040 --> 0:26:43.520 what I'm talking about. Just read something. Um, okay, here's 0:26:43.640 --> 0:26:46.960 one I've actually always loved. It's by one of my 0:26:47.040 --> 0:26:52.080 favorite poets, um, Emily Dickinson. She was just mind blowing, profound. 0:26:52.960 --> 0:26:55.440 I'm assuming you've heard of her. I dated a woman 0:26:55.600 --> 0:26:58.280 named Emily Dickinson back in the seventies, not the same 0:26:58.320 --> 0:27:02.040 one that was a wild ride, my friends, a wild ride. 0:27:02.480 --> 0:27:05.000 I have not thought about that girl in over forty years. 0:27:05.240 --> 0:27:07.960 Oh boy, you want to talk about a wild ride. 0:27:08.040 --> 0:27:11.040 That was some wild ride? I get it. Okay, Well, 0:27:11.240 --> 0:27:13.880 this Emily Dickinson, the one I'm talking about. She wrote 0:27:13.920 --> 0:27:17.720 the poem I'm about to read sometime in um must 0:27:17.760 --> 0:27:20.719 have been the middle of the last century. We are 0:27:20.840 --> 0:27:24.320 talking about two different women. Then my Emily, Yes, because 0:27:24.560 --> 0:27:27.640 she was no poet. She was a free spirit, for sure. 0:27:28.320 --> 0:27:31.560 She never wore a bra good, I guess. Heck, she 0:27:31.640 --> 0:27:34.320 never wore clothes as far as I can remember that. 0:27:34.440 --> 0:27:36.760 You know that the seventies should be remembered as one 0:27:36.920 --> 0:27:40.160 long orgy as far as I'm concerned. This is getting 0:27:40.200 --> 0:27:42.480 off subject. But in nineteen seventy three I went to 0:27:42.560 --> 0:27:46.240 an orgy that I didn't leave until nineteen seventy five. 0:27:46.840 --> 0:27:51.000 That's two years of orgy, buddy, that's a lot of orgy. 0:27:51.760 --> 0:27:54.920 And I think Emily was there. But then so many 0:27:54.960 --> 0:27:59.480 people dropped in and out. Suzanne Plachette, Robert Blake, Robert 0:27:59.560 --> 0:28:04.320 Conrad Hope, laying the list goes on. Anyway, I'm getting 0:28:04.320 --> 0:28:06.920 off subject. You were going to read some poem from 0:28:07.040 --> 0:28:12.360 some woman no one's ever heard of go um okay, 0:28:12.760 --> 0:28:18.440 it's called I'm Nobody? Who are You? By Emily Dickinson. Um, 0:28:19.320 --> 0:28:25.920