1 00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:02,320 Speaker 1: We think that we're going to be happy by getting 2 00:00:02,320 --> 00:00:04,520 Speaker 1: a person, but you'll never be happy by getting a 3 00:00:04,559 --> 00:00:06,800 Speaker 1: person that doesn't meet your needs. It doesn't matter how 4 00:00:06,800 --> 00:00:09,400 Speaker 1: impressive you think they are. And that's the danger, right 5 00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:11,879 Speaker 1: That's the trap people fall into. I've fallen into it. 6 00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:14,640 Speaker 1: One of the world's leading dating in a relationship coach 7 00:00:14,760 --> 00:00:17,680 Speaker 1: here has helped millions of people find love, Matthew Hussey. 8 00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:21,560 Speaker 1: We write people off at lightning speed. They may have 9 00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:23,880 Speaker 1: a wisdom that you never picked up on. If the 10 00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:26,200 Speaker 1: reason so many people never reach the point of real 11 00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:27,480 Speaker 1: relationship is because. 12 00:00:30,920 --> 00:00:33,960 Speaker 2: Hey everyone, I've got some huge news to share with you. 13 00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:38,080 Speaker 2: In the last ninety days, seventy nine point four percent 14 00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:41,440 Speaker 2: of our audience came from viewers and listeners that are 15 00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:45,199 Speaker 2: not subscribed to this channel. There's research that shows that 16 00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:47,920 Speaker 2: if you want to create a habit, make it easy 17 00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:51,760 Speaker 2: to access. By hitting the subscribe button, you're creating a 18 00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:56,200 Speaker 2: habit of learning how to be happier, healthier, and more healed. 19 00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:59,480 Speaker 2: This would also mean the absolute world to me and 20 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:03,360 Speaker 2: help us make better, bigger, brighter content for you and 21 00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:03,880 Speaker 2: the world. 22 00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:08,520 Speaker 3: Subscribe right now. The number one health and wellness podcast. 23 00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:15,399 Speaker 2: Jay set Jay Shetty Sly. Hey everyone, welcome back to 24 00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:18,880 Speaker 2: On Purpose, the place you come to become happier, healthier, 25 00:01:19,319 --> 00:01:23,040 Speaker 2: and more healed, whether it's your relationships, your work life, 26 00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:25,760 Speaker 2: or everything in between. I'm glad that I get to 27 00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:29,040 Speaker 2: sit down and talk with fascinating people who are sharing 28 00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:33,880 Speaker 2: vulnerable journeys, powerful insights, and great habits. If you've been 29 00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:37,600 Speaker 2: struggling in your love life, this episode is for you. 30 00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:40,679 Speaker 2: If you've been going through a tough breakup, if you've 31 00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:44,560 Speaker 2: been struggling with dating, this episode is for you. And 32 00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:47,840 Speaker 2: if you're someone who's just trying to understand how to 33 00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:52,440 Speaker 2: unlock love within yourself, love in every interaction and create 34 00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:55,560 Speaker 2: a space where each and every one of your relationships 35 00:01:55,760 --> 00:02:00,000 Speaker 2: are fulfilling and full of harmony, this episode is for you. 36 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:02,800 Speaker 2: I'm sitting down with one of my great friends and 37 00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:08,200 Speaker 2: amazing thought leaders, Matthew Hussey, New York Times best selling author, speaker, 38 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:13,480 Speaker 2: and coach specializing in confidence and relationship intelligence. Matthew is 39 00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:16,639 Speaker 2: the host of the podcast Love Life with Matthew Hussey 40 00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:18,560 Speaker 2: that I've got the honor of being a guest on, 41 00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:22,280 Speaker 2: so check that episode out, and over the past fifteen years, 42 00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:27,760 Speaker 2: Matthew's proven approach has inspired millions through authentic, insightful, and 43 00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:31,400 Speaker 2: practical advice that not only enables them to find love, 44 00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:36,560 Speaker 2: but also feel confident in control of their own happiness. Today, 45 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:38,960 Speaker 2: we're talking about his new book, Love Life. If you 46 00:02:39,040 --> 00:02:41,480 Speaker 2: don't have this book, make sure you go and grab 47 00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:45,280 Speaker 2: it right now. How to raise your standards, find your 48 00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:49,000 Speaker 2: person and live happily no matter what. Please welcome to 49 00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:51,720 Speaker 2: the show. The author of Love Life, Matthew Hussey. 50 00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:55,519 Speaker 3: What's up. It's so good to see you, So good 51 00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:57,160 Speaker 3: to see you. Missed you. It's been a while. 52 00:02:57,240 --> 00:02:59,160 Speaker 1: I know, I know, we find it hard to catch 53 00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:01,160 Speaker 1: each other. One of us is always traveling. 54 00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:02,480 Speaker 3: I know, but it's so nice to be together. 55 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:04,040 Speaker 1: I'm excited about this conversation. 56 00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:05,239 Speaker 3: Man, me too, Me too. 57 00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:08,400 Speaker 2: Last time you were on, people absolutely loved it. And 58 00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:11,040 Speaker 2: when I was reading through your book, I was blown 59 00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:14,320 Speaker 2: away because I know that you've put five years of 60 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:17,720 Speaker 2: work into this. This has been a real labor of love, 61 00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:20,919 Speaker 2: and we all know how hard it is to write 62 00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:23,760 Speaker 2: books and how much effort it takes. And when I 63 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:26,760 Speaker 2: saw the amount of honesty, the amount of self awareness, 64 00:03:26,919 --> 00:03:30,000 Speaker 2: the amount of openness that you approach this book with 65 00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:33,480 Speaker 2: I think anyone who reads it is going to walk 66 00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:37,640 Speaker 2: away feeling like they feel heard, they feel seen, and 67 00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:40,760 Speaker 2: they actually know how to be honest and open with 68 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:43,360 Speaker 2: themselves through the journey of love, which is what you've done. 69 00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:44,680 Speaker 3: That's that's how I feel anyway. 70 00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:47,200 Speaker 2: So I'm really excited for be able to read it, 71 00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:49,080 Speaker 2: and I've got so many questions for you. 72 00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:52,520 Speaker 3: So I'm going to die right Yeah, yeah, awesome. 73 00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:56,680 Speaker 2: So I want to start with this idea because everyone 74 00:03:57,240 --> 00:04:00,360 Speaker 2: that we know, since we're young, wants to fall in love, 75 00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:05,640 Speaker 2: and we've all heard so much advice on love that 76 00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:08,680 Speaker 2: has somehow become our version of what love is. Or 77 00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:11,880 Speaker 2: we've all seen so many love stories, whether it was 78 00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:13,840 Speaker 2: a bad love story with our parents, whether it was 79 00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:16,479 Speaker 2: a good love story with our uncles and aunts, whether 80 00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:20,160 Speaker 2: it was our older brother or older sister, whoever it was. 81 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:25,080 Speaker 2: Where did your earliest ideas of love come from? And 82 00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:27,400 Speaker 2: which ones do you still agree with and which ones 83 00:04:27,839 --> 00:04:28,640 Speaker 2: do you disagree with? 84 00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:32,760 Speaker 1: I suppose on some level some of them must have 85 00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:39,280 Speaker 1: come from my upbringing. You know, my mum talking about 86 00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:42,640 Speaker 1: you know, the kind of giddiness that she felt for 87 00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:48,839 Speaker 1: my dad when they first met, and you know, the attraction. 88 00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:55,640 Speaker 1: I'm sure so much of it was songs and movies. 89 00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:06,880 Speaker 1: I suppose the thing that I think about now is like, 90 00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:12,880 Speaker 1: what I value today is different, I think, than what 91 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:18,599 Speaker 1: I might have valued at twenty one. It's still you know, 92 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:22,160 Speaker 1: I very much value attraction and chemistry because I think 93 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:23,760 Speaker 1: it's going to be a long road if you're in 94 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:30,920 Speaker 1: a relationship that doesn't have those things. But the things 95 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:36,039 Speaker 1: that became kind of non negotiables for me changed, like 96 00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:40,599 Speaker 1: finding someone who brings me peace and being in a 97 00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:44,800 Speaker 1: relationship that felt peaceful. That was something that made its 98 00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:48,880 Speaker 1: entrance later in my life, and I paid the price 99 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:52,359 Speaker 1: for it not making its entrance sooner. You know, I 100 00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:55,640 Speaker 1: was in multiple relationships that really robbed me of my piece, 101 00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:59,839 Speaker 1: and so I think that probably early on I wasn't 102 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:03,840 Speaker 1: seeking peace. I was seeking just the ride, you know, 103 00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:10,200 Speaker 1: the experience of feeling these incredible feelings for somebody and 104 00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:17,120 Speaker 1: and also perhaps being heroic to that person. I think 105 00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:20,480 Speaker 1: that was probably an early idea that you know, I 106 00:06:20,640 --> 00:06:23,640 Speaker 1: was the there had to be something heroic about the 107 00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:28,520 Speaker 1: way that I showed up or presented myself. And I 108 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:33,400 Speaker 1: think that for a long time that that prevented me 109 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:37,840 Speaker 1: from ever really being seen. You know, I if you'd 110 00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:41,720 Speaker 1: have asked me at twenty five, are you vulnerable? I 111 00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:44,000 Speaker 1: would have been like yeah, I wouldn't have said no. 112 00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:47,120 Speaker 1: I wasn't self aware about it. But like, there was 113 00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:50,240 Speaker 1: a lot that I never really brought forward about myself. 114 00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:54,440 Speaker 1: I think that we are very good at like, you know, 115 00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:57,040 Speaker 1: we all tell the hero's journey of our life, and 116 00:06:57,080 --> 00:06:59,520 Speaker 1: we love that, right because it's a kind of here's 117 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:01,520 Speaker 1: where I was and here's where I am now. You know, 118 00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:05,000 Speaker 1: whenever you hear like a rags to riches story, it's 119 00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:08,800 Speaker 1: back then I was in a bad spot. Now I'm 120 00:07:08,839 --> 00:07:11,560 Speaker 1: in an amazing spot. And I remember I used to 121 00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:14,040 Speaker 1: tell stories like that in my life. I could be 122 00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:17,240 Speaker 1: dating and telling stories like that of where I'd come 123 00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:19,840 Speaker 1: from and where I am now, and there was nothing 124 00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:22,640 Speaker 1: really vulnerable about those stories. There was still the story 125 00:07:22,680 --> 00:07:27,840 Speaker 1: of like how I'm awesome, because it's a hero's journey, 126 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:29,920 Speaker 1: you know. But it's a lot harder to be like 127 00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:34,040 Speaker 1: here's what I'm struggling with right now, or that thing 128 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:37,760 Speaker 1: that you just did just made me really jealous and insecure, 129 00:07:38,160 --> 00:07:43,240 Speaker 1: or you know, I'm feeling emasculated right now, like those things, 130 00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:46,680 Speaker 1: my God like that to bring that stuff forward for 131 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:50,880 Speaker 1: me was was I didn't realize how hard it was 132 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:53,960 Speaker 1: and how terrified I must have been of doing that, 133 00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:58,920 Speaker 1: and how deeply unworthy I felt to be able to 134 00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:02,240 Speaker 1: really show someone who I was and still feel like 135 00:08:02,280 --> 00:08:06,560 Speaker 1: I'd be loved afterwards, you know, I'd get like, you know, 136 00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:10,400 Speaker 1: vulnerability hangover at the end of and by the way, 137 00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:14,160 Speaker 1: sometimes sometimes it did backfire. I remember, you know, when 138 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,400 Speaker 1: I was trying on the whole vulnerability thing. I remember 139 00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:19,920 Speaker 1: saying to someone about a moment in an evening that 140 00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:23,240 Speaker 1: had made me insecure. I remember talking about like I 141 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:27,400 Speaker 1: didn't want to, but I could tell I was being passive, 142 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:31,800 Speaker 1: aggressive and cold, and the walls had gone up, and 143 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:35,240 Speaker 1: so I was like, I'm not being That's the hard 144 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:37,319 Speaker 1: place to be, right when you know you're not being 145 00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:42,160 Speaker 1: your normal, fun, loving, happy self, but you're also not 146 00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:45,560 Speaker 1: being honest about what you're feeling. So you're just in 147 00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:48,760 Speaker 1: this weird no man's land of like being unpleasant to 148 00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:53,800 Speaker 1: be around. And I realized, like this, I can't hide 149 00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:59,400 Speaker 1: how I'm feeling right now, and instead of like gaslighting 150 00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:02,079 Speaker 1: this person and that I'm fine and I'm not let 151 00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:05,760 Speaker 1: me just share something that made me insecure, and it 152 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:09,880 Speaker 1: really backfired, like this person said to me, I find that. 153 00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:12,000 Speaker 1: This is the literal words that were said to me, 154 00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:15,920 Speaker 1: was I find that really unattractive And it crushed me 155 00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:20,080 Speaker 1: because I thought I was like in my head, I 156 00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:23,959 Speaker 1: was like, I'm never doing that again. I remember living 157 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:25,360 Speaker 1: with my friend at the time and I walked to 158 00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:27,760 Speaker 1: his room and I was like, I can't believe what 159 00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:30,839 Speaker 1: just happened, Like I'm such an And I didn't say 160 00:09:31,559 --> 00:09:35,119 Speaker 1: I didn't say wow, that was really lacking in compassion 161 00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:37,760 Speaker 1: from her side. That was like the depths of my 162 00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:41,560 Speaker 1: own like lack of compassion, self compassion. Was that instead 163 00:09:41,559 --> 00:09:45,079 Speaker 1: of saying wow, that was a really that was a 164 00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:49,160 Speaker 1: kind of a mean and response lacking compassion. Instead, I went, 165 00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:55,040 Speaker 1: I'm such an idiot. I can't believe I said that 166 00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:59,600 Speaker 1: out loud, Like why did I reveal that weakness? And 167 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,760 Speaker 1: it took me a little while to recover from that 168 00:10:02,840 --> 00:10:06,320 Speaker 1: because it kind of it reinforced That's that was the 169 00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:09,280 Speaker 1: dangerous part. Is it reinforced this idea that I needed 170 00:10:09,280 --> 00:10:12,439 Speaker 1: to be heroic at all times and not to have 171 00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:15,760 Speaker 1: those weaknesses, and that it was those parts of me 172 00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:20,120 Speaker 1: were contemptible if people knew about them. So that was 173 00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:21,880 Speaker 1: a that was a big That was a big thing 174 00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:23,480 Speaker 1: for me. I think thinking I had to be a 175 00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:27,280 Speaker 1: hero all the time and not realizing that a real 176 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,800 Speaker 1: relationship is so much more interesting than that. 177 00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:33,720 Speaker 2: Wow, man, so powerful. So many things to unpack, so 178 00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:35,600 Speaker 2: many things to unpack. One of the things I want 179 00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:38,680 Speaker 2: to start with is what is the difference between a 180 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:42,080 Speaker 2: peaceful relationship and a boring relationship? 181 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:43,560 Speaker 3: Because I think. 182 00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:48,640 Speaker 1: That great question. That's a great question because. 183 00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:52,440 Speaker 2: I think a lot of people think of peaceful as 184 00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:56,400 Speaker 2: boring when we're not emotionally mature. So I can relate 185 00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:59,160 Speaker 2: to what you're saying, where you actually want a relationship 186 00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:01,520 Speaker 2: that's kind of like Chao and up and down and 187 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:03,960 Speaker 2: passionate and then we love each other we hate each other, 188 00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:06,080 Speaker 2: you know, there's that kind of energy, there's something and 189 00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:08,040 Speaker 2: we kind of do that in a lot of our lives. 190 00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:10,400 Speaker 2: And by the way, we do that even in marriage 191 00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:14,719 Speaker 2: and relationships where we can often invent drama because it's 192 00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:17,160 Speaker 2: too peaceful. And I've had friends who've reached out to 193 00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:18,840 Speaker 2: me and said, Jay, I keep creating drama in my 194 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:21,800 Speaker 2: life because that's what I'm used to. And I don't 195 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:23,160 Speaker 2: know what to do with this guy or this girl 196 00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:26,760 Speaker 2: because they're actually peaceful. So people are scared that peaceful 197 00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:29,760 Speaker 2: means boring. But you've just said you like a peaceful relationship. 198 00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:32,679 Speaker 2: I know you're not a boring guy, So what's the difference? 199 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,240 Speaker 1: I you know, So when you was just saying that, 200 00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:39,440 Speaker 1: I thought to myself, I there are days where I'm 201 00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:44,640 Speaker 1: on time for something and I will kind of go 202 00:11:44,679 --> 00:11:49,800 Speaker 1: and do one more thing before the meeting that makes 203 00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:54,120 Speaker 1: me late, so that I have to like make a 204 00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:57,560 Speaker 1: game of getting in the car and like finding a 205 00:11:57,600 --> 00:12:00,400 Speaker 1: way to like how can I still like other GPS 206 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:02,280 Speaker 1: says I'm going to be there and that two minutes before, 207 00:12:02,280 --> 00:12:06,480 Speaker 1: but I'd like shaving off a minute like I was 208 00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:09,560 Speaker 1: on time? Yeah, why did I do the one more 209 00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:12,520 Speaker 1: Nothing was gonna nothing was going to go wrong if 210 00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:13,960 Speaker 1: I didn't do that one more thing? 211 00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:14,679 Speaker 3: Yeah? 212 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:17,880 Speaker 1: Why did I do one more thing? That made me late? 213 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:20,640 Speaker 1: And I had like I had to realize at a 214 00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:24,760 Speaker 1: certain point that that was like my nervous system. I 215 00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:28,600 Speaker 1: I you know, I grew up around like my dad 216 00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:32,200 Speaker 1: was always late for everything. I learned that from him. 217 00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:34,960 Speaker 1: I used to hate it, by the way, but like 218 00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:38,760 Speaker 1: I had, I had also then adopted it and I'm 219 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:41,280 Speaker 1: not that way anymore in my life. But like it, 220 00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:45,280 Speaker 1: I realized, like I have an addiction to this feeling, 221 00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:47,800 Speaker 1: this like mini drama of am I going to get 222 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:51,000 Speaker 1: there on time? Which creates this little mini drama in 223 00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:53,120 Speaker 1: my day for like ten minutes. It's like an adrenaline 224 00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:56,480 Speaker 1: rush and like you know, and it's a horrible feeling. Really, 225 00:12:56,760 --> 00:13:00,560 Speaker 1: it doesn't feel good. It feels like stressful and anxiety inducing. 226 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:03,200 Speaker 1: And now I'm going to come across as rude and disrespectful. 227 00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:07,040 Speaker 1: Is someone's time and I'm like stressed. But it's like 228 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:10,320 Speaker 1: a my body is used to that I'm not used 229 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:12,640 Speaker 1: to like getting somewhere on time and like have ten 230 00:13:12,679 --> 00:13:16,400 Speaker 1: minutes to just chill and like it's there's a new 231 00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:21,439 Speaker 1: feeling that can feel boring. So in terms of a relation, 232 00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:23,480 Speaker 1: I think we do it everywhere in our lives. In 233 00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:27,480 Speaker 1: terms of a relationship, I knew when I met with 234 00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:31,160 Speaker 1: my wife Audrey that I had found peace that wasn't 235 00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:39,199 Speaker 1: by any means boring because I felt at home. I didn't, 236 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:42,000 Speaker 1: you know, I didn't just feel safe. We can feel 237 00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:45,280 Speaker 1: safe and very bored. Right, we can feel like I'm 238 00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:49,360 Speaker 1: with someone who is very non threatening. I feel like, I, 239 00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:51,920 Speaker 1: you know, this person's not going to leave me. I 240 00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:55,480 Speaker 1: feel like I'm very safe in this situation. But I 241 00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:59,440 Speaker 1: don't really like this doesn't feel like my person. I 242 00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:01,920 Speaker 1: just feel same. And when you haven't felt safe for 243 00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:04,320 Speaker 1: a long time, sometimes that's a very lovely feeling on 244 00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:06,320 Speaker 1: its own. Just to feel like I'm no longer in 245 00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:09,680 Speaker 1: an abusive relationship, or I'm no longer in a relationship 246 00:14:09,679 --> 00:14:11,960 Speaker 1: with someone that makes me second guess myself all the 247 00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:14,320 Speaker 1: time or feels like they're going to leave me at 248 00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:18,960 Speaker 1: any moment. But eventually we will get bored in a 249 00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:22,040 Speaker 1: situation where the only thing that's presenting as a positive 250 00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:26,920 Speaker 1: thing is the safety we feel. But in this relationship, 251 00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:31,600 Speaker 1: I felt at home and I felt like I felt 252 00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:34,720 Speaker 1: more seen than I'd ever felt before. You know, I 253 00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:40,000 Speaker 1: really was astonished to the extent to which this person 254 00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:45,560 Speaker 1: got me and that we seem to get each other. 255 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,760 Speaker 1: And you know, the first night we met, we spoke 256 00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:52,720 Speaker 1: for eight hours straight, literally like everyone else was like 257 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,560 Speaker 1: partying and doing that, and we were just we talked 258 00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:58,920 Speaker 1: for eight hours the first night we met, there was 259 00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:01,960 Speaker 1: an attraction there that made us talk to each other. 260 00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:04,400 Speaker 1: It's not like we started talking to each other on 261 00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:06,360 Speaker 1: the in the first second because we knew we were 262 00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:09,640 Speaker 1: such great conversational lists. Like, we started talking because there 263 00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:15,120 Speaker 1: was a there was an attraction. But then it felt easy, 264 00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:18,600 Speaker 1: it felt like home. Somehow. It took me a minute 265 00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:20,640 Speaker 1: to realize that. By the way, I'm not this wasn't 266 00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:22,760 Speaker 1: a love at first sight story of like and then 267 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:27,040 Speaker 1: everything was smooth sailing, but it it did. It took 268 00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:30,200 Speaker 1: me a while to realize, Oh, this is like, this 269 00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:33,400 Speaker 1: is this feels like home. I'm more of myself around 270 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:36,920 Speaker 1: this person. And I think that's a beautiful thing to find, 271 00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:40,200 Speaker 1: is someone who makes you more of yourself. And of 272 00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:44,400 Speaker 1: course I think you know you can't if someone says 273 00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:47,440 Speaker 1: to me, I've got zero sexual attraction to this person, 274 00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:52,440 Speaker 1: that's a problem. It's a genuine problem. You have to 275 00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:55,480 Speaker 1: have some form of attraction to the person you're with. Now, 276 00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:57,840 Speaker 1: by the way, does it need to be the greatest 277 00:15:57,840 --> 00:16:00,800 Speaker 1: attraction you've ever felt for anyone in your life? That 278 00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:04,000 Speaker 1: trips a lot of people up. Because I always say, 279 00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:06,440 Speaker 1: don't comparison shop for chemistry. It's one of the things 280 00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:10,040 Speaker 1: I talk about in the book, because I think we 281 00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:12,760 Speaker 1: were always comparing whatever is in front of us with 282 00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:15,360 Speaker 1: the peak of our chemistry that we've had with someone 283 00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:18,120 Speaker 1: that we can't seem to get over. But you only 284 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:20,720 Speaker 1: have to take a look at what are the situations 285 00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:24,680 Speaker 1: that we find hard to get over, Like what was 286 00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:28,240 Speaker 1: that peak of chemistry and attraction? And it's often in 287 00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:32,360 Speaker 1: situations that were entirely unsustainable. It's you know, you go, 288 00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:36,360 Speaker 1: you have a holiday romance with someone and oh God, 289 00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:39,560 Speaker 1: like if i'd love to fill that animal attraction for 290 00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:41,320 Speaker 1: someone who was good for me and who I had 291 00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:43,280 Speaker 1: a long term relationship with. And it's like, well, how 292 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:46,400 Speaker 1: long did you know that person? Two weeks? They didn't 293 00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:48,680 Speaker 1: have to do very much, Like it's easy to create 294 00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:52,160 Speaker 1: the conditions for chemistry in that kind of a situation. 295 00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:56,000 Speaker 1: The same is true of people who have a three 296 00:16:56,120 --> 00:17:01,720 Speaker 1: month fling with someone where there's like it becomes more 297 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:06,040 Speaker 1: interesting because it's flaming really hot, and then it disappears. 298 00:17:06,119 --> 00:17:09,960 Speaker 1: You know the woman who I coached who said, you know, 299 00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:11,960 Speaker 1: this person was the one we had this amazing three 300 00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,760 Speaker 1: month thing, And I said what happened? She was like, well, 301 00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:17,000 Speaker 1: he went traveling and he said he didn't want to 302 00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:23,719 Speaker 1: continue the relationship. And for me, that's like literal fireworks. 303 00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:26,600 Speaker 1: You know, they fireworks. We look at them and they're 304 00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:30,320 Speaker 1: really exciting and we get we're like, ah, isn't this magical? 305 00:17:30,359 --> 00:17:32,359 Speaker 1: And you look at those fireworks. But if those fireworks 306 00:17:32,359 --> 00:17:35,399 Speaker 1: carried on for three hours, aha, you'd be like this 307 00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:38,760 Speaker 1: is I want to go home now? You would be bored. 308 00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:39,359 Speaker 3: Yes. 309 00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:43,280 Speaker 1: Right, for fireworks to be exciting left end, they have 310 00:17:43,359 --> 00:17:47,280 Speaker 1: to end. So we have to be very careful about 311 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:52,960 Speaker 1: comparing the like slow burn energy of a real relationship 312 00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:57,400 Speaker 1: with like that fast twitch muscle of a short term 313 00:17:57,480 --> 00:18:01,240 Speaker 1: encounter or an affair that is naturally exciting because it's 314 00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:05,359 Speaker 1: an affair. It's like, you know this serious. Yeah. So 315 00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:11,320 Speaker 1: I don't think you should absolutely have chemistry, but we 316 00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:15,000 Speaker 1: have to be really careful with comparing chemistry with previous 317 00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:18,480 Speaker 1: chemistry because that chemistry may not have lasted either if 318 00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:19,919 Speaker 1: you'd actually got what you wanted. 319 00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:22,760 Speaker 2: Yeah, And it makes so much sense. The idea you 320 00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:26,639 Speaker 2: just the analogy you painted of the fireworks is a 321 00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:32,119 Speaker 2: brilliant one because a real relationship is one that you 322 00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:37,480 Speaker 2: don't want to end, and the chemistry based relationship is 323 00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:39,560 Speaker 2: one that has to end, right, It has to come 324 00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:43,480 Speaker 2: to an end, and for it to feel meaningful, and 325 00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:45,680 Speaker 2: a real relationship, you never want to end. And that's 326 00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:48,520 Speaker 2: why it feels meaningful. And that's where we're kind of 327 00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:50,800 Speaker 2: stuck in between. And the thing I hear the most, 328 00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:53,240 Speaker 2: and I asked my audience and my team a lot 329 00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:56,360 Speaker 2: of questions before this interview because I know a lot 330 00:18:56,359 --> 00:18:59,080 Speaker 2: of my audiences dating trying to figure it out. And 331 00:18:59,119 --> 00:19:00,800 Speaker 2: one of the biggest things which we touched on here, 332 00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:03,119 Speaker 2: but I want to ask you about, is that people 333 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:06,919 Speaker 2: find it overwhelming with the number of options they have today. 334 00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:10,040 Speaker 2: And I've spoken to friends who are like, well, this 335 00:19:10,119 --> 00:19:13,560 Speaker 2: guy's great, but maybe there's someone greater, right, and we're 336 00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:17,800 Speaker 2: constantly living in this They're good, but maybe they're fifty percent, 337 00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:20,320 Speaker 2: and maybe there's a fifty one, and then maybe there's 338 00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:23,120 Speaker 2: a seventy nine, and maybe there's a ninety nine, because 339 00:19:23,119 --> 00:19:25,320 Speaker 2: I can see someone else over there has a ninety nine, 340 00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:29,639 Speaker 2: and so we keep second guessing even the person in 341 00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:32,240 Speaker 2: front of us, even if they are fulfilling our needs 342 00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:36,160 Speaker 2: because of the overwhelming number of options. 343 00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:38,600 Speaker 3: Hey, everyone, it's Jay here. 344 00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:41,640 Speaker 2: My wife and I have had so much fun creating 345 00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:45,000 Speaker 2: our own sparkling tea Juni, and I've got big news 346 00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:48,200 Speaker 2: for you. It's at Target and we'd love your support. 347 00:19:48,359 --> 00:19:51,040 Speaker 2: If you can go out grab a Juny. You'll be 348 00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:54,920 Speaker 2: adding adaptagens and new tropics into your life with mood 349 00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:58,639 Speaker 2: boosting properties aimed at promoting a balanced and happy mind. 350 00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:01,879 Speaker 2: Through our commitment to our wellness journey and striving to 351 00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:05,239 Speaker 2: fuel our bodies with the healthiest ingredients, It's been our 352 00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:08,560 Speaker 2: purpose to make healthy choices accessible for all, which is 353 00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:11,640 Speaker 2: why Juni is now on shelves at Target. So head 354 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:14,840 Speaker 2: to our store locator at Drinkjuni dot com and find 355 00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:18,800 Speaker 2: Juni at a Target near you. So, how when you 356 00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:21,160 Speaker 2: said you fell at home and you know, I think 357 00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:23,160 Speaker 2: that's what people want to feel. They want to feel 358 00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:25,760 Speaker 2: at home, they want to feel more than safe. But 359 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:28,800 Speaker 2: how do we know or would have been the best 360 00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:31,800 Speaker 2: signs and indicators that people can look out for that 361 00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:35,639 Speaker 2: they're actually making things harder for themselves by wishing, hoping, 362 00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:38,760 Speaker 2: wanting someone else? Or is that a sign that you're 363 00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:41,080 Speaker 2: not with the right person, that you feel that there 364 00:20:41,119 --> 00:20:42,120 Speaker 2: is someone who has more. 365 00:20:42,359 --> 00:20:47,480 Speaker 1: It's such a tough question because I think it's sometimes 366 00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:52,119 Speaker 1: we're wanting something else because there's you know, the person 367 00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:54,639 Speaker 1: that's in front of us isn't compelling enough. There really 368 00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:59,520 Speaker 1: is something lacking in that relationship. But I do think 369 00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:03,000 Speaker 1: we have to ask ourselves what are the things I 370 00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:06,919 Speaker 1: really must have for an amazing relationship? Like I For me, 371 00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:10,560 Speaker 1: when I when I was going to ask Audrey to 372 00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:13,400 Speaker 1: marry me, I literally called up a friend and told him, 373 00:21:14,119 --> 00:21:16,520 Speaker 1: and he was like, you know, why are you doing that? 374 00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:19,240 Speaker 1: I'm just curious, Like what he was it was almost 375 00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:21,280 Speaker 1: like his way of testing whether I was ready or not, 376 00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:23,399 Speaker 1: you know, whether I was just in some crazy like 377 00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:28,480 Speaker 1: infatuation or and I said, you know, I'm I'm ready 378 00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:33,560 Speaker 1: to build something in my life. I feel like for me, 379 00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:37,440 Speaker 1: my my dating life was just like hitting reset all 380 00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:40,879 Speaker 1: the time, and it was honestly at a certain point 381 00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:44,919 Speaker 1: making me anxious like dating and being with different people, 382 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:47,880 Speaker 1: and it just didn't you know, there was a time 383 00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:50,040 Speaker 1: in my life where that was really exciting, and then 384 00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:53,639 Speaker 1: it started to just go the other way and I 385 00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:55,800 Speaker 1: and I had to listen to that and go, this 386 00:21:55,880 --> 00:22:00,400 Speaker 1: isn't this isn't going to work, Like I, this isn't 387 00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:02,760 Speaker 1: where it's at this isn't making me happy, this isn't 388 00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:06,600 Speaker 1: bringing me peace. The way that I was dating was 389 00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:10,280 Speaker 1: it had almost like an addictive quality to it that 390 00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:14,359 Speaker 1: was really unhealthy. And I thought, this isn't going to 391 00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:17,040 Speaker 1: be a good look ten years from now. It's not 392 00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:18,680 Speaker 1: going to make me feel good. It's not going to 393 00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:21,720 Speaker 1: bring me more peace, which is a different By the way, 394 00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:24,040 Speaker 1: that doesn't mean that you know how to give something up. 395 00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:27,440 Speaker 1: When you have those realizations, you might realize eating healthier 396 00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:29,040 Speaker 1: would be better for you, but it doesn't mean that 397 00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:35,479 Speaker 1: you've trained yourself to be able to do that. But 398 00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:37,600 Speaker 1: I got to a point where I said, I want 399 00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:43,200 Speaker 1: to build something now, and with Audrey, I thought, I 400 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:46,480 Speaker 1: in my head, I was like, I'll never find a 401 00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:48,400 Speaker 1: better builder. And I said that to him, like I'll 402 00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:49,560 Speaker 1: never find a better builder. 403 00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:49,879 Speaker 3: This is. 404 00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:53,480 Speaker 1: The builder for me. Like we're going to be able 405 00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:56,560 Speaker 1: to do such amazing things together and the life will 406 00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:59,679 Speaker 1: have and the you know, the high level of empathy 407 00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:03,640 Speaker 1: and compassion, and you know, the person that I am 408 00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:07,480 Speaker 1: with this person it you know, the way she makes 409 00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:12,919 Speaker 1: me feel like that's that's truly special. And I'm not 410 00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:17,600 Speaker 1: a you know, there's the one out there kind of 411 00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:19,600 Speaker 1: a person. I've never been that way if you look 412 00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:22,119 Speaker 1: anyone looks back through my videos, and you know this 413 00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:24,760 Speaker 1: because we've spoken about it back when I was single. 414 00:23:25,040 --> 00:23:28,760 Speaker 1: You know, I've never been a person who believes in 415 00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:32,800 Speaker 1: the idea of the one. So I think that it's 416 00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:36,560 Speaker 1: finding someone that we've you know, we look at what's 417 00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:41,560 Speaker 1: really important to us, not what's important on an egoic level, 418 00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:43,120 Speaker 1: because I think a lot of the things that make 419 00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:46,480 Speaker 1: us question whether this person is right for us are 420 00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:49,679 Speaker 1: ego based. I don't think they're based on how we 421 00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:52,600 Speaker 1: feel around this person. We worry is this the kind 422 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:55,160 Speaker 1: of person my friends think that I should be with? 423 00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:58,639 Speaker 1: Do they look the part? Are they my type? My 424 00:23:58,760 --> 00:23:59,520 Speaker 1: normal type? 425 00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:01,600 Speaker 3: Do they make the right amount of money? 426 00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:05,240 Speaker 1: Yeah? Like, is this has this person come in the 427 00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:08,840 Speaker 1: package that I had always told myself they would come in? 428 00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:13,120 Speaker 1: And those things can be really, really limiting, and they 429 00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:16,359 Speaker 1: can have us like constantly trying to optimize for some 430 00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:20,640 Speaker 1: version of something that we think we're supposed to be with, 431 00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:24,160 Speaker 1: which is a very dangerous way to go about finding love. 432 00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:30,119 Speaker 1: You can't optimize for human beings. You can optimize for 433 00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:32,760 Speaker 1: a lot in life, but you're dealing with people. And 434 00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:34,719 Speaker 1: by the way, even if you let go of this person, 435 00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:38,200 Speaker 1: you're going to find someone else who's also imperfect, and 436 00:24:38,359 --> 00:24:41,840 Speaker 1: they might Okay, this person is, you know, scores a 437 00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:44,199 Speaker 1: seven in this area, and they score a nine. But 438 00:24:44,320 --> 00:24:47,159 Speaker 1: guess what, they score a three in this other area 439 00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:50,840 Speaker 1: that you didn't even know was great in this relationship 440 00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:53,199 Speaker 1: because you took for granted how amazing that person was 441 00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:58,720 Speaker 1: in that way, Like, it's very dangerous to optimize in 442 00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:02,080 Speaker 1: that way in our love life life. And I've come 443 00:25:02,119 --> 00:25:05,880 Speaker 1: to really believe in life that if you find a 444 00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:10,480 Speaker 1: connection that has all the right raw materials and you 445 00:25:10,560 --> 00:25:14,400 Speaker 1: both have the same level of commitment, then you can 446 00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:18,840 Speaker 1: build something extraordinary together. And actually the extraordinary is the 447 00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:22,440 Speaker 1: thing you sculpt together. It's no different from a career. 448 00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:26,840 Speaker 1: You know, neither you nor I started by doing our 449 00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:31,120 Speaker 1: dream version of this. It's evolved and evolved and evolved 450 00:25:31,119 --> 00:25:33,440 Speaker 1: and evolved, and every year you sculpt it a little 451 00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:36,560 Speaker 1: closer to your ideal way of doing it all. And 452 00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:38,280 Speaker 1: along the way, you do a lot of things that 453 00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:41,119 Speaker 1: you don't necessarily You're like, oh my god, I couldn't 454 00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:43,440 Speaker 1: do this for a lifetime, and this part I thought 455 00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:45,119 Speaker 1: I would enjoy and I didn't enjoy it nearly as 456 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:46,640 Speaker 1: much as I thought I would. I'm going to stop 457 00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:50,040 Speaker 1: doing that. And you, you know, you you sculpt it 458 00:25:50,119 --> 00:25:54,840 Speaker 1: like dream careers are sculpted, they're not found. And I 459 00:25:54,880 --> 00:25:57,920 Speaker 1: think that that's true of relationships as well, Like I'm 460 00:25:57,960 --> 00:26:00,480 Speaker 1: more grateful for my relationship with Audrey the more time 461 00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:04,040 Speaker 1: goes on, Yes, because we keep sculpting it into something 462 00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:08,320 Speaker 1: that's better and better what that requires, which is really 463 00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:11,399 Speaker 1: hard for a lot of us, myself included for many years. 464 00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:13,600 Speaker 1: And this was one of the things that I think 465 00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:18,200 Speaker 1: really hurt me was I got myself into an incredibly 466 00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:25,760 Speaker 1: indecisive state where I was constantly second guessing myself. And 467 00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:30,040 Speaker 1: I you know, when we talk, when we when we 468 00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:32,359 Speaker 1: think of what's like, what are we worried about in 469 00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:33,840 Speaker 1: our love life? For so many of us, it's that 470 00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:37,040 Speaker 1: we're going to settle. Yes, I'm going to settle for 471 00:26:37,080 --> 00:26:40,639 Speaker 1: the wrong person. Well, I think we can actually start 472 00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:45,760 Speaker 1: to reclaim the language of settling and make it into 473 00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:49,560 Speaker 1: a very positive thing that what if it wasn't settling 474 00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:54,120 Speaker 1: for what if you decided to settle on Because when 475 00:26:54,160 --> 00:26:57,400 Speaker 1: you settle on someone, there's a power to that it's 476 00:26:57,440 --> 00:27:00,720 Speaker 1: like you resolve to say, I'm going to settle on this. 477 00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:04,439 Speaker 1: It's like people crossing a country when a country is 478 00:27:04,760 --> 00:27:07,680 Speaker 1: you know, it's like people crossing America and deciding when 479 00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:12,720 Speaker 1: to stop. At what point did the early settlers say 480 00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:14,679 Speaker 1: this is good enough, I don't need to keep going, 481 00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:19,080 Speaker 1: like I've found an amazing place. And when you find 482 00:27:19,080 --> 00:27:22,280 Speaker 1: that place, you go I could live here. Then you 483 00:27:22,320 --> 00:27:25,240 Speaker 1: settle on it. And it's only by settling on it 484 00:27:25,280 --> 00:27:27,440 Speaker 1: that you can make it great. It's only by putting 485 00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:29,720 Speaker 1: your attention on it like a laser, that you can 486 00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:33,359 Speaker 1: see what it becomes. And I don't think that I 487 00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:37,280 Speaker 1: ever really settled on anything in my love life in 488 00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:39,760 Speaker 1: a way that gave it a chance to see what 489 00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:44,480 Speaker 1: it could really become. And in this situation, I really 490 00:27:44,520 --> 00:27:48,760 Speaker 1: gave myself that chance by saying I'm gonna I'm going 491 00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:51,359 Speaker 1: to go all in on this. But or she was 492 00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:57,040 Speaker 1: smart because she also saw that Audrey is ridiculously perceptive 493 00:27:57,400 --> 00:28:00,040 Speaker 1: and in tune with people, and she saw in me 494 00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:03,760 Speaker 1: early on like, oh, this is a pattern for him, 495 00:28:04,119 --> 00:28:08,200 Speaker 1: and that doubt and that what do I want? 496 00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:08,720 Speaker 3: You know? 497 00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:11,399 Speaker 1: Is this right? And that she saw that early on 498 00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:17,600 Speaker 1: and One of the things that she did was she 499 00:28:17,600 --> 00:28:19,880 Speaker 1: she called me out firstly, and she was like, look, 500 00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:25,280 Speaker 1: if you're I'm willing to like really see what this 501 00:28:25,400 --> 00:28:30,760 Speaker 1: could be, and you don't seem to be in that 502 00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:35,000 Speaker 1: place where you're like actually going all in and seeing 503 00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:39,040 Speaker 1: what it could be. She said, So I don't want 504 00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:42,800 Speaker 1: to continue if you're not going all in because I'm 505 00:28:42,840 --> 00:28:46,760 Speaker 1: not like, I'm not here for someone half of someone's energy. 506 00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:51,080 Speaker 1: And the way she phrased it was amazing because she 507 00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:55,680 Speaker 1: said to me, look, that doesn't mean like six months 508 00:28:55,680 --> 00:28:59,280 Speaker 1: from now we could break up. Yeah, you might decide 509 00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:01,640 Speaker 1: this is wrong for you. I might decide it's wrong 510 00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:04,960 Speaker 1: for me, and no one's the villain if that happens. 511 00:29:05,760 --> 00:29:08,880 Speaker 1: But if you're not willing to go all in right 512 00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:12,040 Speaker 1: now to at least see what it could be and 513 00:29:12,080 --> 00:29:15,320 Speaker 1: give it your real effort, then then this has to 514 00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:18,840 Speaker 1: end here for me. And what was for me what 515 00:29:18,960 --> 00:29:22,560 Speaker 1: was amazing about that is that it lowered the stakes 516 00:29:22,720 --> 00:29:25,520 Speaker 1: for me, especially when she said because I felt like, 517 00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:28,280 Speaker 1: you know, in the past I had hurt well, I 518 00:29:28,320 --> 00:29:32,080 Speaker 1: didn't feel like I had hurt people and I had 519 00:29:32,200 --> 00:29:35,640 Speaker 1: been the villain, and I was like, I can't do 520 00:29:35,720 --> 00:29:39,120 Speaker 1: this anymore because I also suffer from ridiculous guilt. So 521 00:29:39,160 --> 00:29:41,360 Speaker 1: it was like, I can't do this again. I can't. 522 00:29:41,640 --> 00:29:43,560 Speaker 1: I was like avoidant because I was like, I don't 523 00:29:43,560 --> 00:29:45,600 Speaker 1: want to get close enough to anyone to hurt someone. 524 00:29:45,640 --> 00:29:47,680 Speaker 1: If I hurt someone, I'm going to feel sick and 525 00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:50,000 Speaker 1: that's going to haunt me, and then you know, I'm 526 00:29:50,040 --> 00:29:53,120 Speaker 1: just making myself miserable and them, And so I had 527 00:29:53,120 --> 00:29:56,520 Speaker 1: all this like stuff. And when she was like, you're 528 00:29:56,560 --> 00:29:59,280 Speaker 1: not six months from now you decide this isn't for you, 529 00:29:59,360 --> 00:30:03,360 Speaker 1: that's okay, You're allowed to do that. That lowered the 530 00:30:03,400 --> 00:30:07,680 Speaker 1: stakes for me. But by also demanding as a standard, 531 00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:09,640 Speaker 1: And that's what so much of this book is about 532 00:30:09,640 --> 00:30:11,840 Speaker 1: how to raise your standards and what that looks like 533 00:30:11,960 --> 00:30:14,440 Speaker 1: in practice, because I think the reason so many people 534 00:30:14,480 --> 00:30:17,200 Speaker 1: never reached the point of real relationship is because they 535 00:30:17,200 --> 00:30:20,800 Speaker 1: don't have standards for what they expect and how to 536 00:30:20,800 --> 00:30:23,800 Speaker 1: communicate and know how to communicate those standards. But because 537 00:30:23,800 --> 00:30:26,600 Speaker 1: she had a standard that she lowered the stakes, but 538 00:30:26,640 --> 00:30:29,120 Speaker 1: she also had a high standard and said this is 539 00:30:29,160 --> 00:30:33,160 Speaker 1: the price of entry for continuing. That allowed me to 540 00:30:33,320 --> 00:30:38,960 Speaker 1: fully invest. And when I fully invested, that thing started 541 00:30:38,960 --> 00:30:42,880 Speaker 1: to actually realize its potential and to we got to 542 00:30:42,920 --> 00:30:45,360 Speaker 1: see what it actually was when I was showing up 543 00:30:45,400 --> 00:30:49,400 Speaker 1: fully and she was showing up fully. So I sympathize 544 00:30:49,400 --> 00:30:53,840 Speaker 1: with anyone who is struggling with those decisions in their 545 00:30:53,840 --> 00:30:56,840 Speaker 1: love life. I don't judge anyone for it, because I 546 00:30:56,920 --> 00:30:59,560 Speaker 1: struggled in my love life with this. I wrote a 547 00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:01,920 Speaker 1: whole chapter of the book called never Satisfied because I 548 00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:05,400 Speaker 1: related to that idea that you know, you find someone 549 00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:08,360 Speaker 1: who you chase, who feels exciting to you, but they 550 00:31:08,440 --> 00:31:11,760 Speaker 1: break your heart, you know, Or you go for someone 551 00:31:11,800 --> 00:31:16,360 Speaker 1: who feels safe and you're bored. You're doubting yourself, you're 552 00:31:16,400 --> 00:31:19,000 Speaker 1: doubting whether this is the right person, and you just 553 00:31:19,080 --> 00:31:23,440 Speaker 1: sort of, you know, cycle between those two different extremes. 554 00:31:24,200 --> 00:31:27,280 Speaker 1: And it became the not just a goal for me 555 00:31:27,400 --> 00:31:29,720 Speaker 1: to help other people, it became a goal for myself 556 00:31:29,960 --> 00:31:32,160 Speaker 1: to go I need to figure out how to be 557 00:31:32,240 --> 00:31:36,920 Speaker 1: happy here, because otherwise I'm going to constantly oscillate between 558 00:31:37,400 --> 00:31:40,520 Speaker 1: feeling suffering because I'm chasing someone who doesn't want me, 559 00:31:41,720 --> 00:31:45,560 Speaker 1: or being with someone where i feel like I'm not 560 00:31:45,680 --> 00:31:47,800 Speaker 1: fully there, and that's not fair to them, and it's 561 00:31:47,840 --> 00:31:50,680 Speaker 1: not fair to myself, like I need to figure out 562 00:31:50,720 --> 00:31:53,200 Speaker 1: a way to be happy here. So so much of 563 00:31:53,200 --> 00:31:57,280 Speaker 1: this book is about finding that peace and that happiness 564 00:31:57,360 --> 00:32:01,120 Speaker 1: that I feel really really lucky to have been able 565 00:32:01,120 --> 00:32:05,280 Speaker 1: to find in my own life because it's it. You know, 566 00:32:05,320 --> 00:32:13,240 Speaker 1: I wrote this book single, heartbroken, then dating, then you know, 567 00:32:13,360 --> 00:32:16,000 Speaker 1: falling in love, and then the last edit, I did 568 00:32:16,280 --> 00:32:18,920 Speaker 1: you know for two days on my honeymoon, Like that 569 00:32:19,040 --> 00:32:21,320 Speaker 1: was a crazy arc for me. So it wasn't something 570 00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:23,640 Speaker 1: that was created by a married person who was just like, 571 00:32:23,760 --> 00:32:26,000 Speaker 1: here's all the answers. I was like, some of these 572 00:32:26,160 --> 00:32:30,080 Speaker 1: chapters I wrote in the worst possible pain of my life. 573 00:32:30,360 --> 00:32:32,600 Speaker 2: You know, you talked about standards then, and obviously that's 574 00:32:32,640 --> 00:32:34,840 Speaker 2: such a big part of what you felt with Audrey 575 00:32:34,920 --> 00:32:38,560 Speaker 2: in that moment. I think what scares us about setting 576 00:32:38,600 --> 00:32:41,480 Speaker 2: standards is that we think it's going to scare someone away. 577 00:32:42,240 --> 00:32:46,200 Speaker 2: So Audrey saying that to you requires so much self 578 00:32:47,160 --> 00:32:51,200 Speaker 2: worth in her saying I may lose this guy if 579 00:32:51,240 --> 00:32:55,720 Speaker 2: I say this, but I know that's where I'm at, 580 00:32:55,840 --> 00:32:59,680 Speaker 2: you being vulnerable with that person many years ago saying 581 00:33:00,240 --> 00:33:02,520 Speaker 2: I'm going to open up about my life and them 582 00:33:02,640 --> 00:33:05,360 Speaker 2: saying that's not very attractive. I don't find that attractive. 583 00:33:05,960 --> 00:33:10,320 Speaker 2: That was you, again trying to demonstrate and be vulnerable, 584 00:33:11,080 --> 00:33:15,320 Speaker 2: but because you were with someone who wasn't emotionally compassionate 585 00:33:15,440 --> 00:33:18,920 Speaker 2: enough to receive that, and because you didn't have enough 586 00:33:18,920 --> 00:33:21,560 Speaker 2: self worth, you made it a weakness in yourself. It 587 00:33:21,680 --> 00:33:24,200 Speaker 2: sounds like when Audrey said that to you, if you 588 00:33:24,200 --> 00:33:25,760 Speaker 2: would have said, well, I'm not in, she would have 589 00:33:25,760 --> 00:33:27,800 Speaker 2: been like, okay, cool, we're not in, then it's not happening. 590 00:33:27,840 --> 00:33:29,440 Speaker 2: It doesn't sound like she would have been like, oh 591 00:33:29,440 --> 00:33:31,160 Speaker 2: my god, he doesn't like me. I'm not good enough 592 00:33:31,320 --> 00:33:34,680 Speaker 2: because she had a certain standard and that's what standards, 593 00:33:34,680 --> 00:33:36,400 Speaker 2: whereas when you were trying to be vulnerable, it was 594 00:33:36,440 --> 00:33:39,480 Speaker 2: like trying to be vulnerable, but it wasn't a standard yet. 595 00:33:39,640 --> 00:33:43,080 Speaker 1: Well, I would say, no, it wasn't a standard. Tactics 596 00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:46,200 Speaker 1: are different from standards. That's why I'm not that when 597 00:33:46,200 --> 00:33:49,560 Speaker 1: I was being vulnerable, that was a tactic. But like 598 00:33:50,160 --> 00:33:55,640 Speaker 1: we do constantly employ faux standards that aren't really standards. 599 00:33:55,640 --> 00:33:57,640 Speaker 1: They're just a tactic. So she's like, I'm not going 600 00:33:57,720 --> 00:34:01,080 Speaker 1: to text this person back so that I generate interest, 601 00:34:02,040 --> 00:34:05,240 Speaker 1: and then if it doesn't generate interest, three days later 602 00:34:05,280 --> 00:34:07,960 Speaker 1: we text them anyway. That's because it wasn't a standard, 603 00:34:07,960 --> 00:34:11,520 Speaker 1: it was a tactic. Well, yeah, when something as tactic, 604 00:34:11,600 --> 00:34:13,000 Speaker 1: we do to try and get a result, and if 605 00:34:13,000 --> 00:34:15,800 Speaker 1: it doesn't work, we go for a different tactic. A 606 00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:20,880 Speaker 1: standard is who we are and we don't change it. 607 00:34:20,920 --> 00:34:25,000 Speaker 1: Like if my standard for being open and vulnerable was 608 00:34:25,040 --> 00:34:27,400 Speaker 1: what I did in that moment with that person, I 609 00:34:27,400 --> 00:34:29,839 Speaker 1: wouldn't have stopped doing that just because I didn't get 610 00:34:29,880 --> 00:34:33,160 Speaker 1: the result that I wanted, which was connection. I would 611 00:34:33,200 --> 00:34:35,759 Speaker 1: have said, well, this is how I want to be. 612 00:34:36,200 --> 00:34:39,919 Speaker 1: And come to think of it, one of I would 613 00:34:39,920 --> 00:34:42,920 Speaker 1: have said, if I was in a better place, one 614 00:34:42,960 --> 00:34:45,600 Speaker 1: of my greatest standards is to find someone who really 615 00:34:45,600 --> 00:34:50,280 Speaker 1: accepts me. And if this person doesn't accept me, then 616 00:34:50,480 --> 00:34:52,799 Speaker 1: my standard is going to be that, well, maybe this 617 00:34:52,920 --> 00:34:56,600 Speaker 1: relationship isn't for me. You know, I want to be 618 00:34:56,640 --> 00:34:58,839 Speaker 1: this vulnerable in a relationship. I want to be able 619 00:34:58,880 --> 00:35:01,640 Speaker 1: to share from the heart both the good and the 620 00:35:02,280 --> 00:35:05,920 Speaker 1: and the bad, and my flaws and my insecurities. And 621 00:35:07,160 --> 00:35:11,080 Speaker 1: if I'm not accepted, then okay, maybe maybe it's not right. 622 00:35:11,160 --> 00:35:13,800 Speaker 1: But instead what I did was I went down a 623 00:35:13,880 --> 00:35:17,759 Speaker 1: very masochistic rabbit hole of going I'm not good enough. 624 00:35:17,920 --> 00:35:21,120 Speaker 1: It's just been proven. I'm never going to reveal those 625 00:35:21,160 --> 00:35:27,200 Speaker 1: weaknesses again. And I stayed right. So you're right about 626 00:35:27,239 --> 00:35:30,960 Speaker 1: Audrey because I can guarantee you if I had not 627 00:35:31,680 --> 00:35:34,200 Speaker 1: then said all right, I'm going to show up differently, 628 00:35:34,400 --> 00:35:36,080 Speaker 1: she would have been out of there. And the big 629 00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:41,200 Speaker 1: difference is we have to make the goal our happiness, 630 00:35:41,239 --> 00:35:44,279 Speaker 1: not a person. You know, we think that we're going 631 00:35:44,360 --> 00:35:46,560 Speaker 1: to be happy by getting a person, but you'll never 632 00:35:46,600 --> 00:35:49,200 Speaker 1: be happy by getting a person that doesn't meet your needs. 633 00:35:49,320 --> 00:35:51,480 Speaker 1: It doesn't matter how impressive you think they are. It 634 00:35:51,480 --> 00:35:55,080 Speaker 1: doesn't that's the danger, right, that's the trap people fall into. 635 00:35:55,120 --> 00:36:01,000 Speaker 1: I've fallen into it. Someone's particularly exciting, impressive, charismatic, gorgeous, 636 00:36:01,160 --> 00:36:04,160 Speaker 1: there's something they have, all these things that you go, 637 00:36:04,440 --> 00:36:08,959 Speaker 1: this makes them a very valuable person. And then you say, well, 638 00:36:09,040 --> 00:36:11,319 Speaker 1: my needs don't really matter anymore. The only thing that 639 00:36:11,320 --> 00:36:13,839 Speaker 1: matters is I can get this person. Because we think 640 00:36:13,840 --> 00:36:15,880 Speaker 1: if I can get this person, then I'll be worthy 641 00:36:15,920 --> 00:36:18,680 Speaker 1: and I'll be happy and it'll all work out. But 642 00:36:20,000 --> 00:36:23,040 Speaker 1: everyone out there, you know, most people out there have 643 00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:26,680 Speaker 1: been in a relationship where they thought it would be 644 00:36:26,760 --> 00:36:31,080 Speaker 1: heaven to get someone, and then they experienced what the 645 00:36:31,160 --> 00:36:35,560 Speaker 1: relationship was actually like when their needs weren't being met, 646 00:36:36,000 --> 00:36:38,920 Speaker 1: when they didn't feel safe, when they didn't feel acknowledged, 647 00:36:38,920 --> 00:36:42,200 Speaker 1: when they didn't receive someone's empathy, when they felt like 648 00:36:42,239 --> 00:36:44,880 Speaker 1: they couldn't really be themselves around that person, when they 649 00:36:44,920 --> 00:36:48,800 Speaker 1: felt like they were constantly clinging onto the relationship because 650 00:36:48,920 --> 00:36:51,439 Speaker 1: they never you know, they're in a relationship with the person, 651 00:36:51,440 --> 00:36:54,080 Speaker 1: but they never really felt like they had them. You know, 652 00:36:54,160 --> 00:36:57,680 Speaker 1: there's a special kind of hell to be in a 653 00:36:57,719 --> 00:37:01,560 Speaker 1: relationship like that, and at a certain point we have 654 00:37:01,600 --> 00:37:05,279 Speaker 1: to come to realize that this is this is this relationship. 655 00:37:05,320 --> 00:37:07,680 Speaker 1: I keep telling myself, I'm going to die if I lose. 656 00:37:07,719 --> 00:37:12,960 Speaker 1: It is worthless if I don't get these couple of 657 00:37:13,000 --> 00:37:17,800 Speaker 1: things that are missing. And so for me, one of 658 00:37:17,840 --> 00:37:20,160 Speaker 1: the greatest ways to have a standard next time round 659 00:37:20,400 --> 00:37:25,000 Speaker 1: is not you. There's a whole you know. I wrote 660 00:37:25,120 --> 00:37:27,960 Speaker 1: two massive chapters in this book on how to be confident, 661 00:37:28,600 --> 00:37:32,839 Speaker 1: But you don't even need confidence for standards in the beginning. Yes, 662 00:37:33,320 --> 00:37:36,520 Speaker 1: you just need to know that I can never experience 663 00:37:36,560 --> 00:37:39,600 Speaker 1: that again because it's too painful. It's like you don't 664 00:37:39,640 --> 00:37:42,000 Speaker 1: need to if I put your hand in a flame, 665 00:37:42,480 --> 00:37:44,879 Speaker 1: you don't need a standard or confidence to get out 666 00:37:44,920 --> 00:37:47,360 Speaker 1: of it. Yeah, you just you don't need self worth 667 00:37:47,400 --> 00:37:49,279 Speaker 1: to get your hand out of the flame. It's just 668 00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:52,359 Speaker 1: too painful. I can't do that again. And a lot 669 00:37:52,360 --> 00:37:57,200 Speaker 1: of people, especially people who leave really abusive or difficult relationships, 670 00:37:57,920 --> 00:38:00,200 Speaker 1: a lot of them, when they have enough time them 671 00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:04,200 Speaker 1: away from it and they start to their nervous system 672 00:38:04,239 --> 00:38:07,960 Speaker 1: calms down and they start to experience a different reality. 673 00:38:07,920 --> 00:38:09,560 Speaker 3: Yeah, they look. 674 00:38:09,480 --> 00:38:13,920 Speaker 1: Back and they're like, no matter how much I still 675 00:38:13,920 --> 00:38:16,760 Speaker 1: may dream about that person or fantasize about that person, 676 00:38:16,840 --> 00:38:20,440 Speaker 1: or you know, get sentimental about that relationship, when they 677 00:38:20,480 --> 00:38:22,440 Speaker 1: really think about what it was like to be in 678 00:38:22,480 --> 00:38:25,400 Speaker 1: it and what that person was like, they're like, I 679 00:38:25,400 --> 00:38:27,960 Speaker 1: could never go back to being in that kind of 680 00:38:27,960 --> 00:38:33,080 Speaker 1: a situation. So the necessity is the birthplace of standards 681 00:38:33,120 --> 00:38:35,000 Speaker 1: before you ever increase your self worth. 682 00:38:35,200 --> 00:38:36,799 Speaker 2: Yeah, And I love that because I think we get 683 00:38:36,840 --> 00:38:39,800 Speaker 2: so locked into like self worth, self confidence, self esteem, 684 00:38:40,600 --> 00:38:43,880 Speaker 2: and because that's a lifelong journey and a lifelong pursuit, 685 00:38:44,320 --> 00:38:46,400 Speaker 2: you feel you can't have standards. But I want to 686 00:38:46,400 --> 00:38:48,000 Speaker 2: go back to something you said, because I think this 687 00:38:48,080 --> 00:38:50,840 Speaker 2: is we're really I'm really enjoying this conversation because I 688 00:38:50,840 --> 00:38:54,200 Speaker 2: feel like we're really getting into this kind of subtle, 689 00:38:54,360 --> 00:38:58,360 Speaker 2: nuanced space of what's really holding people back from having 690 00:38:58,400 --> 00:39:01,200 Speaker 2: love in their life. And it's something you said earlier 691 00:39:01,239 --> 00:39:03,120 Speaker 2: which I'm kind of connecting to what you're saying now, 692 00:39:03,160 --> 00:39:08,399 Speaker 2: this difference between an egoic standard in your words, and 693 00:39:08,440 --> 00:39:12,919 Speaker 2: then an emotive standard or an emotional standard. And maybe 694 00:39:12,960 --> 00:39:15,239 Speaker 2: there's a better word for it that you've developed or 695 00:39:15,280 --> 00:39:18,120 Speaker 2: come across, but I'm trying to separate it because I 696 00:39:18,160 --> 00:39:22,200 Speaker 2: think an egoic standard is, well, yeah, that if they 697 00:39:22,239 --> 00:39:24,080 Speaker 2: asked me out, they have to pay on the first date, 698 00:39:24,560 --> 00:39:27,440 Speaker 2: so we start getting lost, or like an egoic standard 699 00:39:27,520 --> 00:39:30,239 Speaker 2: is they should message me first, Like I don't think 700 00:39:30,280 --> 00:39:33,759 Speaker 2: those are the types of standards that Audrey said to 701 00:39:33,800 --> 00:39:36,319 Speaker 2: you or the kind of standard that you're recommending. There's 702 00:39:36,400 --> 00:39:39,080 Speaker 2: this great my favorite TikTok page to follow in the 703 00:39:39,120 --> 00:39:41,520 Speaker 2: world is called Guy with the List. 704 00:39:41,960 --> 00:39:43,160 Speaker 3: Have you seen this guy? 705 00:39:43,320 --> 00:39:46,080 Speaker 2: So what he does is he will take random videos 706 00:39:46,680 --> 00:39:52,040 Speaker 2: of girls who share their X and they are hilarious, right, 707 00:39:52,080 --> 00:39:54,960 Speaker 2: they are the most ridiculous things. Like it's like I 708 00:39:54,960 --> 00:39:58,040 Speaker 2: don't like guys who work out with their mates all 709 00:39:58,080 --> 00:40:01,640 Speaker 2: the way through to I don't like eyes with a 710 00:40:01,680 --> 00:40:04,399 Speaker 2: big bum right, whatever it may be. And this guy, 711 00:40:04,400 --> 00:40:06,239 Speaker 2: what he'll do is he'll take the clip of a 712 00:40:06,280 --> 00:40:08,800 Speaker 2: girl saying that, and then he'll go to his notes 713 00:40:08,840 --> 00:40:11,839 Speaker 2: page in Apple and additors list and things have not 714 00:40:11,920 --> 00:40:14,680 Speaker 2: to be it's the best page in the world. 715 00:40:14,800 --> 00:40:16,120 Speaker 1: So it's just the longest list. 716 00:40:16,280 --> 00:40:18,719 Speaker 2: He's on seven hundred and ninety four the last time 717 00:40:18,760 --> 00:40:21,279 Speaker 2: I saw, and it's like a guy with the list. 718 00:40:21,320 --> 00:40:22,080 Speaker 3: It's brilliant. 719 00:40:22,239 --> 00:40:24,160 Speaker 2: And the reason I bring it up is because I 720 00:40:24,160 --> 00:40:27,319 Speaker 2: think that's what we think standards are now, and I 721 00:40:27,320 --> 00:40:29,920 Speaker 2: think to your point earlier, I think you labeled it 722 00:40:29,960 --> 00:40:34,839 Speaker 2: an egoic standard. So walk us through how we transform 723 00:40:34,920 --> 00:40:40,000 Speaker 2: our egoic standards into I'm calling them emotional standards whatever 724 00:40:40,040 --> 00:40:42,560 Speaker 2: the right word is. How do we transfer them over 725 00:40:42,680 --> 00:40:45,839 Speaker 2: because I think we think we're setting standards, but their 726 00:40:45,840 --> 00:40:48,120 Speaker 2: standards like he's got to pay on the first day, 727 00:40:49,120 --> 00:40:51,640 Speaker 2: she better text me first. I won't reply for a 728 00:40:51,680 --> 00:40:54,040 Speaker 2: week the example you gave, And I think that's what's 729 00:40:54,080 --> 00:40:54,919 Speaker 2: tripping us up. 730 00:40:55,120 --> 00:40:57,680 Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that it's almost like there's standards that 731 00:40:57,719 --> 00:41:00,640 Speaker 1: arise from ego and there's standards arise from what's going 732 00:41:00,719 --> 00:41:05,560 Speaker 1: to make us happy, and that the two are often 733 00:41:05,800 --> 00:41:12,560 Speaker 1: completely different, right, because actually the things that make us 734 00:41:12,560 --> 00:41:16,560 Speaker 1: happy can be much more subtle and less prescriptive than 735 00:41:16,600 --> 00:41:20,759 Speaker 1: the things that feed our ego in some way. There's 736 00:41:20,840 --> 00:41:23,440 Speaker 1: two points I want to make about this. The first 737 00:41:23,480 --> 00:41:30,120 Speaker 1: one is in relation to the kind of inherent judgment 738 00:41:30,600 --> 00:41:34,440 Speaker 1: that is in so many of those X and so 739 00:41:34,600 --> 00:41:37,479 Speaker 1: many of those things. I would never want someone who's 740 00:41:37,520 --> 00:41:39,120 Speaker 1: like this. I would never want someone who does that. 741 00:41:39,200 --> 00:41:39,719 Speaker 3: I would. 742 00:41:41,120 --> 00:41:45,279 Speaker 1: We write people off at lightning speed, and not just 743 00:41:46,200 --> 00:41:51,120 Speaker 1: entirely superficial things, but ways that people are not like us. Right, 744 00:41:51,200 --> 00:41:53,680 Speaker 1: So you've got people who are like, oh, if they're 745 00:41:53,719 --> 00:41:56,880 Speaker 1: not into especially like you know, your audience is into 746 00:41:56,880 --> 00:41:59,880 Speaker 1: self development. My audience tends to be into self development. 747 00:42:00,400 --> 00:42:02,719 Speaker 1: It's very easy for someone who gets into self development 748 00:42:02,719 --> 00:42:05,000 Speaker 1: to suddenly be like, I want somebody else who's into 749 00:42:05,040 --> 00:42:07,640 Speaker 1: self development? Yeah, right, And I get that question all 750 00:42:07,680 --> 00:42:09,200 Speaker 1: the time, Like, now that I'm doing all of this 751 00:42:09,320 --> 00:42:12,080 Speaker 1: growth work, I want someone who can keep up. I 752 00:42:12,120 --> 00:42:15,880 Speaker 1: want someone who's on my level. And I want to 753 00:42:15,920 --> 00:42:19,000 Speaker 1: remind people like you weren't doing this two years ago, 754 00:42:19,960 --> 00:42:22,960 Speaker 1: Like this is in a way, this is like a 755 00:42:23,000 --> 00:42:29,919 Speaker 1: complete contempt you have for you two years ago, well 756 00:42:30,040 --> 00:42:35,160 Speaker 1: before like a certain mentor or influence or something came 757 00:42:35,160 --> 00:42:39,000 Speaker 1: into your life and turned you onto something. There's also 758 00:42:39,120 --> 00:42:43,359 Speaker 1: a slight arrogance about the standards, you know, these things 759 00:42:43,400 --> 00:42:47,640 Speaker 1: we have because it's you know, someone could have lived 760 00:42:47,640 --> 00:42:50,840 Speaker 1: on a farm their whole life, and I have no 761 00:42:50,920 --> 00:42:53,520 Speaker 1: idea what self development even is as a kind of 762 00:42:54,239 --> 00:42:58,759 Speaker 1: idea a concept, let alone that there's this entire industry 763 00:42:58,800 --> 00:43:03,560 Speaker 1: around it. And they may have a wisdom that you 764 00:43:03,680 --> 00:43:05,520 Speaker 1: never picked up on in the world that you grew 765 00:43:05,600 --> 00:43:07,560 Speaker 1: up in, and that might be one of the greatest 766 00:43:07,600 --> 00:43:10,280 Speaker 1: bits of synergy between the two of you, is the 767 00:43:10,320 --> 00:43:12,800 Speaker 1: wisdom you bring and the wisdom they bring that's different 768 00:43:12,880 --> 00:43:15,080 Speaker 1: and it has come from a very different place, a 769 00:43:15,160 --> 00:43:18,759 Speaker 1: very different way of living. So, you know, I think 770 00:43:18,800 --> 00:43:21,880 Speaker 1: there's a lack of humility sometimes in thinking that people 771 00:43:21,960 --> 00:43:26,239 Speaker 1: have to be like us and then judging them for 772 00:43:26,280 --> 00:43:29,960 Speaker 1: the ways that they're not like us. And a lot 773 00:43:30,000 --> 00:43:32,360 Speaker 1: of the way we judge other people arises out of 774 00:43:32,360 --> 00:43:36,719 Speaker 1: a lack of self compassion because we haven't really accepted ourselves. 775 00:43:36,800 --> 00:43:41,200 Speaker 1: We haven't really you know, I know, every time I 776 00:43:41,239 --> 00:43:44,799 Speaker 1: got punched in the face by life, every time, like 777 00:43:44,880 --> 00:43:49,040 Speaker 1: I took a big hit and I, you know, experienced 778 00:43:49,040 --> 00:43:52,239 Speaker 1: a really bad heartbreak that was a big one for me, 779 00:43:52,520 --> 00:43:58,080 Speaker 1: like a very humbling experience for me. I experienced years 780 00:43:58,080 --> 00:44:01,600 Speaker 1: of chronic physical pain, and when that happened in my life, 781 00:44:02,280 --> 00:44:06,880 Speaker 1: I like truly just hit a kind of bottom because 782 00:44:06,880 --> 00:44:09,399 Speaker 1: I just didn't know how I would ever. I tried 783 00:44:09,440 --> 00:44:12,560 Speaker 1: everything in the world and I couldn't make this pain 784 00:44:12,640 --> 00:44:19,279 Speaker 1: go away. And it started to basically not just ruin 785 00:44:19,360 --> 00:44:23,320 Speaker 1: my life because I felt like I couldn't experience joy anymore. 786 00:44:23,320 --> 00:44:26,560 Speaker 1: I was just thinking about my pain all day every day. 787 00:44:26,600 --> 00:44:29,440 Speaker 1: But it also robbed me of my confidence because I 788 00:44:29,480 --> 00:44:31,560 Speaker 1: started to feel like, Wow, no one's going to be 789 00:44:31,560 --> 00:44:34,040 Speaker 1: attracted to this version of me that is so frail 790 00:44:34,080 --> 00:44:39,839 Speaker 1: and fragile and doesn't feel like I really didn't identify 791 00:44:40,080 --> 00:44:42,400 Speaker 1: as the heroic version of me anymore. I was like, 792 00:44:42,960 --> 00:44:47,279 Speaker 1: this is I'm going to be perceived as pathetic by 793 00:44:47,640 --> 00:44:51,160 Speaker 1: someone who wants like a strong person because I feel 794 00:44:51,200 --> 00:44:54,080 Speaker 1: so on the edge of breaking the whole time, because 795 00:44:54,120 --> 00:44:58,120 Speaker 1: anyone with chronic physical pain knows that it's so centralizing 796 00:44:58,280 --> 00:45:02,360 Speaker 1: and even doing basic things can feel like it's too much. 797 00:45:04,400 --> 00:45:08,439 Speaker 1: But my point is that that going through those things 798 00:45:08,440 --> 00:45:13,480 Speaker 1: in life. It allowed me to access a level of 799 00:45:13,520 --> 00:45:17,759 Speaker 1: compassion for other people because I was like, God, how 800 00:45:17,840 --> 00:45:20,720 Speaker 1: many people have I written off in my life because 801 00:45:21,600 --> 00:45:25,480 Speaker 1: you know, they're this way or they're that way, or 802 00:45:25,480 --> 00:45:29,680 Speaker 1: they're you know, and look at me right now, I'm 803 00:45:29,760 --> 00:45:30,520 Speaker 1: like on the floor. 804 00:45:30,840 --> 00:45:31,040 Speaker 3: Yeah. 805 00:45:31,560 --> 00:45:35,799 Speaker 1: And I found that as I came to accept more 806 00:45:35,840 --> 00:45:38,600 Speaker 1: of myself and be honest about my own stuff and 807 00:45:38,640 --> 00:45:40,360 Speaker 1: not just the things going wrong in my life, but 808 00:45:41,520 --> 00:45:44,040 Speaker 1: even just difficulties. Like if you have a jealous moment 809 00:45:44,080 --> 00:45:47,400 Speaker 1: and it makes you a little crazy, then you're not 810 00:45:47,440 --> 00:45:51,319 Speaker 1: so quick to call other people crazy when they you know, 811 00:45:52,080 --> 00:45:55,960 Speaker 1: react to insecurity they have and it makes them do 812 00:45:56,040 --> 00:45:59,279 Speaker 1: something extreme in that moment, you know, like that, well, 813 00:45:59,600 --> 00:46:02,960 Speaker 1: you she's crazy. You can't believe what she did, Like 814 00:46:03,000 --> 00:46:06,239 Speaker 1: she's so she's crazy. It's like you don't. You don't 815 00:46:06,400 --> 00:46:10,320 Speaker 1: throw that around when you know you've done your share 816 00:46:10,400 --> 00:46:14,680 Speaker 1: of like crazy because you were in pain and you 817 00:46:14,680 --> 00:46:18,000 Speaker 1: didn't know how to how to cope with it, you 818 00:46:18,040 --> 00:46:23,160 Speaker 1: know it. So I've I've found that the more the 819 00:46:23,239 --> 00:46:27,680 Speaker 1: more I've like been humbled in life, and the more 820 00:46:27,719 --> 00:46:33,400 Speaker 1: I've become accepting of myself and compassionate towards myself. Actually, 821 00:46:33,480 --> 00:46:37,120 Speaker 1: the more it's made space for everyone else, because now 822 00:46:37,160 --> 00:46:39,239 Speaker 1: I wouldn't if I was single again, I wouldn't be 823 00:46:39,239 --> 00:46:42,600 Speaker 1: writing off people on all of those things that I 824 00:46:42,680 --> 00:46:45,880 Speaker 1: might have written people off for eight years ago or 825 00:46:45,920 --> 00:46:48,960 Speaker 1: ten years ago. I actually think I would have more options, 826 00:46:49,000 --> 00:46:52,080 Speaker 1: not less. People say I'm growing so much, I've got 827 00:46:52,080 --> 00:46:54,440 Speaker 1: so few options now because so many few people are 828 00:46:54,480 --> 00:46:56,759 Speaker 1: on my level. I'm like, if you're really growing, I 829 00:46:56,800 --> 00:46:59,319 Speaker 1: actually think it makes space for more people because you've 830 00:46:59,320 --> 00:47:03,600 Speaker 1: become more compact and more accepting, and you see the 831 00:47:03,640 --> 00:47:06,680 Speaker 1: soul of that person underneath those behaviors and the way 832 00:47:06,680 --> 00:47:08,200 Speaker 1: they are, which kind of brings me on to my 833 00:47:08,680 --> 00:47:12,240 Speaker 1: other point, which was when you know the person says 834 00:47:12,920 --> 00:47:15,799 Speaker 1: they didn't pay on the date they invited me, and 835 00:47:15,840 --> 00:47:18,680 Speaker 1: then you know they didn't pay for the whole check 836 00:47:18,760 --> 00:47:24,640 Speaker 1: or whatever. I think. We're we're not always good at 837 00:47:24,640 --> 00:47:28,600 Speaker 1: getting behind why someone is the way they are, Like, 838 00:47:28,640 --> 00:47:34,080 Speaker 1: what's really driving the way they are? Does this person 839 00:47:34,120 --> 00:47:36,600 Speaker 1: have the same values as me? They might do something 840 00:47:36,640 --> 00:47:40,600 Speaker 1: different on the surface, but underneath that might be the 841 00:47:40,640 --> 00:47:45,759 Speaker 1: same value. We just have arrived at different points, Like 842 00:47:45,800 --> 00:47:50,359 Speaker 1: my wife's a vegetarian, I eat meat, like we both 843 00:47:50,400 --> 00:47:55,080 Speaker 1: love animals. Sincerely, I love animals. She makes jokes about me, 844 00:47:55,680 --> 00:47:57,719 Speaker 1: you know how much. You know how I am with 845 00:47:57,760 --> 00:47:59,560 Speaker 1: animals is one of her favorite things in the world, 846 00:48:00,120 --> 00:48:04,239 Speaker 1: eat them, and she doesn't like We've arrived at different places, 847 00:48:05,000 --> 00:48:08,879 Speaker 1: but underneath it all is like the same beating heart. 848 00:48:10,000 --> 00:48:12,799 Speaker 1: And I think that's the thing we're quick to write 849 00:48:12,880 --> 00:48:15,720 Speaker 1: off when we make those really quick judgments about people. 850 00:48:16,200 --> 00:48:18,920 Speaker 1: And that's not to say like there are certain you know, 851 00:48:19,320 --> 00:48:22,880 Speaker 1: red flags that might come up with someone where you go, 852 00:48:23,000 --> 00:48:25,759 Speaker 1: you know what, not worth finding out what's behind this 853 00:48:25,920 --> 00:48:29,399 Speaker 1: because it's just too severe and I don't, I really 854 00:48:29,400 --> 00:48:31,520 Speaker 1: don't like this, and it has been a major warning 855 00:48:31,560 --> 00:48:34,520 Speaker 1: sign for me in the past. But I think that's 856 00:48:34,960 --> 00:48:40,240 Speaker 1: that's different than taking something like you know, someone someone 857 00:48:40,280 --> 00:48:44,000 Speaker 1: didn't pay half the bill, or someone didn't pay the 858 00:48:44,040 --> 00:48:47,239 Speaker 1: whole bill, and like I I know that. I used 859 00:48:47,239 --> 00:48:49,560 Speaker 1: to think to myself, I really enjoy paying the bill, 860 00:48:50,719 --> 00:48:54,160 Speaker 1: but if someone didn't offer for me, I would be 861 00:48:54,280 --> 00:48:59,200 Speaker 1: like it. And this is even my judgment, right, because 862 00:48:59,200 --> 00:49:01,799 Speaker 1: that for them, it might just be conditioning and it 863 00:49:01,880 --> 00:49:04,600 Speaker 1: might be even There were times where even spoke up 864 00:49:04,600 --> 00:49:08,800 Speaker 1: about it where I found myself paying constantly, and I 865 00:49:08,840 --> 00:49:11,120 Speaker 1: got brave enough to say, hey, it makes me feel 866 00:49:11,960 --> 00:49:14,720 Speaker 1: kind of taken for granted that you don't ever offer 867 00:49:14,760 --> 00:49:17,120 Speaker 1: to pay. You know, I've been in situations like that 868 00:49:17,160 --> 00:49:19,359 Speaker 1: in the past, and sometimes if you said that to someone, 869 00:49:19,440 --> 00:49:21,640 Speaker 1: they'd be like, oh my god, I feel awful, like 870 00:49:21,880 --> 00:49:25,200 Speaker 1: they're so embarrassed, and they're like they will then feel 871 00:49:25,200 --> 00:49:27,239 Speaker 1: shame about it and be like, god, I you know, 872 00:49:27,280 --> 00:49:29,320 Speaker 1: they look at themselves and they're like, oh, I slipped 873 00:49:29,320 --> 00:49:31,799 Speaker 1: into a pattern there that I don't like, especially if 874 00:49:31,840 --> 00:49:34,120 Speaker 1: I expressed that it's not that I hate it's not 875 00:49:34,160 --> 00:49:36,280 Speaker 1: that I don't like paying, it's that I don't feel 876 00:49:36,280 --> 00:49:39,560 Speaker 1: like we're a team. You know, that might make someone 877 00:49:39,600 --> 00:49:41,800 Speaker 1: go well, I value being part of a team as well, 878 00:49:42,680 --> 00:49:45,480 Speaker 1: and I actually don't like that you don't feel like 879 00:49:45,520 --> 00:49:47,360 Speaker 1: I'm a great teammate. That's the last thing in the 880 00:49:47,360 --> 00:49:50,080 Speaker 1: world I'd ever want to be. So now like you 881 00:49:50,120 --> 00:49:54,000 Speaker 1: can actually come together because of a moment where you 882 00:49:54,040 --> 00:49:57,319 Speaker 1: say something like that. But I know if I was 883 00:49:57,320 --> 00:49:59,439 Speaker 1: on a date when I was single and someone didn't 884 00:49:59,480 --> 00:50:03,160 Speaker 1: even offer, and by the way, I would still pay. Yeah, 885 00:50:03,239 --> 00:50:08,040 Speaker 1: I still wouldn't let them. But if someone didn't offer it, 886 00:50:08,040 --> 00:50:09,960 Speaker 1: it would be there would be a little piece of 887 00:50:09,960 --> 00:50:15,000 Speaker 1: me that would be like, that doesn't feel like teamwork. 888 00:50:15,600 --> 00:50:18,480 Speaker 1: And maybe you know, maybe fine, if someone invites you 889 00:50:18,520 --> 00:50:21,280 Speaker 1: on a date and they let you pay half, Okay, 890 00:50:21,280 --> 00:50:24,040 Speaker 1: maybe you say I don't I didn't love that, but 891 00:50:24,120 --> 00:50:26,799 Speaker 1: maybe you see like maybe that needs to play out 892 00:50:26,840 --> 00:50:29,720 Speaker 1: once or twice more before you decide everything that means 893 00:50:29,760 --> 00:50:30,520 Speaker 1: about the person. 894 00:50:31,080 --> 00:50:32,880 Speaker 2: Yeah, well, I think you just said the nail on 895 00:50:32,920 --> 00:50:35,319 Speaker 2: the head. It's like actually having and I know this 896 00:50:35,480 --> 00:50:38,000 Speaker 2: isn't sexy and it's not popular, but it is what 897 00:50:38,560 --> 00:50:43,720 Speaker 2: you're trying to say that having the clarifying conversation around 898 00:50:43,840 --> 00:50:47,160 Speaker 2: why someone behaves the way they do is far more 899 00:50:47,239 --> 00:50:50,080 Speaker 2: useful as to whether this relationship has a future than 900 00:50:50,120 --> 00:50:53,080 Speaker 2: what they do. So the fact that you're paying or 901 00:50:53,120 --> 00:50:56,560 Speaker 2: someone's not paying actually doesn't show anything unless you had 902 00:50:56,560 --> 00:50:59,640 Speaker 2: a conversation about why that's the case, and actually how 903 00:50:59,680 --> 00:51:03,279 Speaker 2: they deal with that conversation and how they respond to 904 00:51:03,320 --> 00:51:05,520 Speaker 2: it is going to give you all the notes you 905 00:51:05,600 --> 00:51:07,880 Speaker 2: need as to whether this relationship has a future or not. 906 00:51:07,920 --> 00:51:10,560 Speaker 2: Because what ends up happening that's with a very tangible 907 00:51:10,560 --> 00:51:12,960 Speaker 2: thing with paying, There could be something that person does 908 00:51:13,000 --> 00:51:14,320 Speaker 2: that annoys you, and you let it go for the 909 00:51:14,360 --> 00:51:16,640 Speaker 2: first month. You let it go for the first three months. 910 00:51:16,760 --> 00:51:19,520 Speaker 2: Now you move in and it triggers you and you're like, God, 911 00:51:19,520 --> 00:51:21,120 Speaker 2: can you just stop doing that? You've been doing it 912 00:51:21,120 --> 00:51:23,600 Speaker 2: for nine months now. And they're like, well, wait a minute, 913 00:51:23,719 --> 00:51:25,640 Speaker 2: why didn't you just tell me that? And it's like, well, 914 00:51:25,760 --> 00:51:28,440 Speaker 2: if we actually talked about it on month one. I 915 00:51:28,480 --> 00:51:31,120 Speaker 2: know Ridley and I have had so many conversations like that, 916 00:51:31,239 --> 00:51:34,560 Speaker 2: And it is true that as you spend more time together, 917 00:51:34,680 --> 00:51:37,680 Speaker 2: a you discover more things you disagree on, and B 918 00:51:37,920 --> 00:51:40,880 Speaker 2: you discover more things you're grateful for. They're both happening 919 00:51:40,920 --> 00:51:44,400 Speaker 2: at the same time, and the disagreement doesn't turn into 920 00:51:44,440 --> 00:51:47,400 Speaker 2: a disconnect because you have the skills to say, I 921 00:51:47,520 --> 00:51:52,080 Speaker 2: know how this person deals with challenging conversations because we've 922 00:51:52,120 --> 00:51:54,759 Speaker 2: had them for so long. We're not waiting for three 923 00:51:54,800 --> 00:51:57,920 Speaker 2: years to hear to have our first challenging conversation because 924 00:51:58,080 --> 00:52:01,120 Speaker 2: we've already had them about less important things. And now 925 00:52:01,120 --> 00:52:03,440 Speaker 2: that we're growing up together, they're like, you know, I 926 00:52:03,440 --> 00:52:06,600 Speaker 2: think a lot of people aren't having the early conversation. 927 00:52:06,719 --> 00:52:07,839 Speaker 2: So when it comes to that, how do we want 928 00:52:07,840 --> 00:52:10,160 Speaker 2: to raise kids? Where do we want to live? What 929 00:52:10,239 --> 00:52:12,480 Speaker 2: do you want to all? These are harder conversations if 930 00:52:12,520 --> 00:52:14,600 Speaker 2: you haven't talked about who should pay for the bill, 931 00:52:15,080 --> 00:52:19,680 Speaker 2: because these are much more, bigger, emotional conditioned decisions where 932 00:52:19,719 --> 00:52:22,919 Speaker 2: people have far more stuff to pull from as to how. 933 00:52:22,840 --> 00:52:23,400 Speaker 3: They make it. 934 00:52:23,960 --> 00:52:26,160 Speaker 1: So it's so much to say about all of God, Yeah, 935 00:52:27,680 --> 00:52:31,000 Speaker 1: you're absolutely right. And Christopher Hitchins used to say, it's 936 00:52:31,040 --> 00:52:34,920 Speaker 1: more important how someone thinks than what they think, And 937 00:52:35,200 --> 00:52:38,560 Speaker 1: I think that we never when we're being too judgmental 938 00:52:38,680 --> 00:52:41,560 Speaker 1: or assumptive. We don't necessarily learn how someone thinks. We 939 00:52:41,680 --> 00:52:44,880 Speaker 1: learn what they think, and then we discard them based 940 00:52:44,920 --> 00:52:48,200 Speaker 1: on what they think or what they do. You're absolutely 941 00:52:48,320 --> 00:52:51,120 Speaker 1: right that by having the conversation, you see how they 942 00:52:51,200 --> 00:52:53,799 Speaker 1: deal with the conversation itself, which should, by the way, 943 00:52:53,960 --> 00:52:57,040 Speaker 1: for anyone wanting a serious relationship, it should that should 944 00:52:57,040 --> 00:52:59,320 Speaker 1: be like, one of your baseline needs is that I 945 00:52:59,440 --> 00:53:04,600 Speaker 1: need someone who is willing to have real conversations with 946 00:53:04,800 --> 00:53:08,200 Speaker 1: me where we can acknowledge things, because someone who can't 947 00:53:08,200 --> 00:53:11,000 Speaker 1: acknowledge things can't grow right. It's like one of the 948 00:53:11,239 --> 00:53:16,680 Speaker 1: key features of narcissism is the inability to admit wrongdoing 949 00:53:17,440 --> 00:53:20,279 Speaker 1: and that breeds incompetence, by the way, because if you 950 00:53:20,320 --> 00:53:22,879 Speaker 1: can't admit wrongdoing and take ownership, you can't get better 951 00:53:23,560 --> 00:53:26,880 Speaker 1: at something. So you know, whether you're dealing with narcissism 952 00:53:27,120 --> 00:53:31,480 Speaker 1: or just someone who can't see themselves clearly or can't 953 00:53:31,760 --> 00:53:34,640 Speaker 1: acknowledge the way you feel or the way something they've 954 00:53:34,640 --> 00:53:38,000 Speaker 1: done has made you feel. If you're in that situation, 955 00:53:38,239 --> 00:53:42,120 Speaker 1: it's going to be a rough relationship. So how soon 956 00:53:42,200 --> 00:53:43,759 Speaker 1: do you want to find out? The way the two 957 00:53:43,840 --> 00:53:47,560 Speaker 1: of you engage on that level? But it's also engaging 958 00:53:47,719 --> 00:53:50,279 Speaker 1: on that level is a form. This is I think 959 00:53:50,360 --> 00:53:53,520 Speaker 1: what we've what we forget is that well, let me 960 00:53:53,560 --> 00:53:56,560 Speaker 1: make two points about this. That I wrote an entire 961 00:53:56,680 --> 00:53:59,120 Speaker 1: chapter in this book on hard conversations, not just because 962 00:53:59,120 --> 00:54:01,960 Speaker 1: we tend to avoid them at all costs because we 963 00:54:02,040 --> 00:54:05,000 Speaker 1: don't like them. Like it's like, you know in fight Club, 964 00:54:05,040 --> 00:54:07,960 Speaker 1: where you know, he says, like most men will do 965 00:54:08,040 --> 00:54:11,240 Speaker 1: anything to avoid a fight, Like it's like most people 966 00:54:11,320 --> 00:54:13,680 Speaker 1: will do anything to avoid a hard conversation because we 967 00:54:13,800 --> 00:54:17,160 Speaker 1: just hate it's awkward, it's embarrassing. You know, we probably 968 00:54:17,360 --> 00:54:19,680 Speaker 1: many of us grew up not being good at confrontation 969 00:54:19,960 --> 00:54:22,320 Speaker 1: or not being taught how to have healthy confrontation, and 970 00:54:22,760 --> 00:54:25,000 Speaker 1: so we avoid it and we hold on to it, 971 00:54:25,239 --> 00:54:27,920 Speaker 1: and we hold onto it, and we're afraid what will 972 00:54:27,960 --> 00:54:30,160 Speaker 1: happen if we speak up about our needs. I know 973 00:54:30,280 --> 00:54:33,640 Speaker 1: that one thing I did a disservice to people that 974 00:54:34,200 --> 00:54:37,440 Speaker 1: I had in my love life in previous times of 975 00:54:37,520 --> 00:54:40,399 Speaker 1: my life because the times where I might have really 976 00:54:40,520 --> 00:54:44,719 Speaker 1: needed some time to myself, I didn't express it. And 977 00:54:44,840 --> 00:54:49,279 Speaker 1: then by not expressing it because I was afraid, I 978 00:54:49,480 --> 00:54:55,239 Speaker 1: then became like resentful and avoidant and started to push 979 00:54:55,320 --> 00:54:57,759 Speaker 1: that person away because I had just decided my needs 980 00:54:57,760 --> 00:55:00,600 Speaker 1: couldn't be met in this relationship with giving them a 981 00:55:00,680 --> 00:55:03,959 Speaker 1: chance to even see that part of me and show 982 00:55:04,080 --> 00:55:06,719 Speaker 1: up for me in that way. So we do that 983 00:55:06,840 --> 00:55:09,000 Speaker 1: all the way to the beginning of dating. You know, 984 00:55:09,080 --> 00:55:11,279 Speaker 1: we do that when we see you know that I 985 00:55:11,760 --> 00:55:14,160 Speaker 1: joke in the book about red flags because I'm like, 986 00:55:14,960 --> 00:55:17,800 Speaker 1: if we listen to every single piece of advice on 987 00:55:17,880 --> 00:55:20,759 Speaker 1: the internet about what's a red flag, not only would 988 00:55:20,840 --> 00:55:25,520 Speaker 1: everyone be undtable, so would we like I'd be excluded 989 00:55:25,640 --> 00:55:29,080 Speaker 1: from the dating Paul, because I for sure have some 990 00:55:29,239 --> 00:55:31,239 Speaker 1: of those red flags or have at some point in 991 00:55:31,320 --> 00:55:34,520 Speaker 1: my life. So, you know, we and that's I don't 992 00:55:34,520 --> 00:55:37,160 Speaker 1: want to be hypocritical. I've been a contributor to the 993 00:55:37,239 --> 00:55:39,880 Speaker 1: advice on red flags, but like when you start adding 994 00:55:39,920 --> 00:55:41,600 Speaker 1: them all up, you're like, oh my god, is there 995 00:55:41,640 --> 00:55:43,879 Speaker 1: any room for mistakes? Is there any room for someone 996 00:55:43,960 --> 00:55:48,799 Speaker 1: to do something that you know isn't them on their 997 00:55:48,880 --> 00:55:55,320 Speaker 1: best day? Now, Robert Green, I heard him say, you know, 998 00:55:55,480 --> 00:56:00,520 Speaker 1: if someone does something, pay attention to that, because nobody 999 00:56:00,560 --> 00:56:03,399 Speaker 1: ever does anything once. If they did it once, it's 1000 00:56:03,440 --> 00:56:08,360 Speaker 1: a pattern. I think that's an amazing Like if I 1001 00:56:08,520 --> 00:56:11,160 Speaker 1: was creating a survival guide for life, that would go 1002 00:56:11,280 --> 00:56:14,600 Speaker 1: in it because it's great advice. But I also know 1003 00:56:14,920 --> 00:56:17,040 Speaker 1: that there's things I've done in my life or my 1004 00:56:17,160 --> 00:56:22,080 Speaker 1: relationship that I did once, especially after a hard conversation 1005 00:56:22,200 --> 00:56:25,480 Speaker 1: I felt bad about and decided I don't want to 1006 00:56:25,480 --> 00:56:27,280 Speaker 1: be that person or I don't want to do that again. 1007 00:56:28,360 --> 00:56:31,680 Speaker 1: So we do want to reserve some space in life 1008 00:56:31,920 --> 00:56:34,680 Speaker 1: for the fact that we can learn, we can adapt, 1009 00:56:34,800 --> 00:56:37,520 Speaker 1: we can progress. What I know for sure is that 1010 00:56:37,600 --> 00:56:41,400 Speaker 1: people don't progress without the hard conversations. What we ignore, 1011 00:56:41,560 --> 00:56:47,000 Speaker 1: we tacitly approve, and what we point out bravely, albeit 1012 00:56:47,080 --> 00:56:49,239 Speaker 1: there are elegant ways to do it and I show 1013 00:56:49,280 --> 00:56:51,839 Speaker 1: people elegant ways to do it in the book. Yeah, 1014 00:56:52,800 --> 00:56:57,080 Speaker 1: that to me is then you're looking for progress, like 1015 00:56:57,320 --> 00:57:00,360 Speaker 1: is when I've mentioned it is does it bring us 1016 00:57:00,360 --> 00:57:03,959 Speaker 1: closer together? Because in the right situation, communicating should actually 1017 00:57:04,000 --> 00:57:07,000 Speaker 1: bring you closer together. It shouldn't. Then you shouldn't feel 1018 00:57:07,000 --> 00:57:11,360 Speaker 1: gas lit, you shouldn't feel like you're called crazy or difficult, 1019 00:57:11,680 --> 00:57:15,239 Speaker 1: or that should actually bring you together. And then our 1020 00:57:15,360 --> 00:57:19,520 Speaker 1: standard has to be that by having that conversation, I 1021 00:57:19,680 --> 00:57:21,760 Speaker 1: need to see progress in that area. And if I 1022 00:57:21,800 --> 00:57:23,800 Speaker 1: don't see progress in that area, I'm not going to 1023 00:57:23,920 --> 00:57:26,720 Speaker 1: ignore the fact that there's been no progress in that area. 1024 00:57:26,920 --> 00:57:31,480 Speaker 1: But if there's no progress now it has become a 1025 00:57:31,600 --> 00:57:34,280 Speaker 1: kind of a delusional thing to expect that they are 1026 00:57:34,320 --> 00:57:37,480 Speaker 1: going to change. But I can't stress this enough. We 1027 00:57:38,360 --> 00:57:42,280 Speaker 1: in our love lives today, everyone is really really good 1028 00:57:42,520 --> 00:57:46,720 Speaker 1: at and rightly so I'm not this is what they're 1029 00:57:46,760 --> 00:57:49,400 Speaker 1: talking about is real. But we're really good at complaining 1030 00:57:49,440 --> 00:57:53,040 Speaker 1: about what dating is like today and how hard it is, 1031 00:57:53,720 --> 00:57:58,480 Speaker 1: And it is like it It is hard. Finding love 1032 00:57:58,960 --> 00:58:03,040 Speaker 1: is hard. It is the wild West. There is so 1033 00:58:03,200 --> 00:58:07,120 Speaker 1: much bad behavior, there's so many ways to just God, 1034 00:58:07,240 --> 00:58:09,040 Speaker 1: there's just so many ways for it to be bad, 1035 00:58:09,760 --> 00:58:13,240 Speaker 1: and unfortunately for us, our love life is an area 1036 00:58:13,320 --> 00:58:16,200 Speaker 1: we can influence, but we can't control it to the 1037 00:58:16,280 --> 00:58:18,760 Speaker 1: level of precision that we can other areas of our lives. 1038 00:58:18,760 --> 00:58:20,960 Speaker 1: If we want to lose weight, we can eat better 1039 00:58:21,000 --> 00:58:23,080 Speaker 1: and we can work out, and our body will change. 1040 00:58:23,480 --> 00:58:25,400 Speaker 1: May not get to our perfect weight, but it will 1041 00:58:25,560 --> 00:58:29,320 Speaker 1: change reliably. In your love life, you can go on 1042 00:58:29,400 --> 00:58:31,520 Speaker 1: a day every day for the next year and still 1043 00:58:31,600 --> 00:58:33,840 Speaker 1: not find love, or you can find love and six 1044 00:58:33,920 --> 00:58:36,280 Speaker 1: months later that person cheats on you and leaves you, 1045 00:58:36,400 --> 00:58:39,600 Speaker 1: and you're back to square one. It's a maddening area 1046 00:58:39,760 --> 00:58:42,880 Speaker 1: in many ways because we deeply want to find love. 1047 00:58:43,040 --> 00:58:46,920 Speaker 1: It is one of the most human of desires is 1048 00:58:47,000 --> 00:58:51,920 Speaker 1: to find love, and it panics us at first. It 1049 00:58:52,040 --> 00:58:55,800 Speaker 1: frustrates us, and it makes us angry. But at some point, 1050 00:58:55,880 --> 00:58:58,440 Speaker 1: for many people it panics them because they're worried I'm 1051 00:58:58,440 --> 00:59:03,320 Speaker 1: never going to meet anyone. We can't just decide I'm 1052 00:59:03,360 --> 00:59:05,680 Speaker 1: going to find love in the next three months and 1053 00:59:05,840 --> 00:59:11,200 Speaker 1: make it happen. But what we have to start taking 1054 00:59:11,320 --> 00:59:13,440 Speaker 1: ownership of and where we have to start taking our 1055 00:59:13,520 --> 00:59:17,120 Speaker 1: power back, is that you can go into your dating 1056 00:59:17,200 --> 00:59:21,280 Speaker 1: life from a place of leadership, and so many people 1057 00:59:21,320 --> 00:59:24,120 Speaker 1: I think go in with a state of following. What's 1058 00:59:24,600 --> 00:59:28,840 Speaker 1: the level right now of people's effort, what's the level 1059 00:59:28,920 --> 00:59:33,480 Speaker 1: of men's chivalry, what's the level of whether people pick 1060 00:59:33,560 --> 00:59:37,240 Speaker 1: up the phone or not instead of relentlessly texting. What's 1061 00:59:37,320 --> 00:59:41,920 Speaker 1: the level of communication between dates or what I can 1062 00:59:42,000 --> 00:59:45,520 Speaker 1: expect from someone in terms of assurances that we're just 1063 00:59:45,600 --> 00:59:50,560 Speaker 1: seeing each other. Like there's all this rhetoric about where 1064 00:59:50,680 --> 00:59:52,720 Speaker 1: things are and people don't try anymore and no one 1065 00:59:52,760 --> 00:59:55,200 Speaker 1: wants to commit and so on. But if you're not careful, 1066 00:59:55,240 --> 00:59:57,320 Speaker 1: you can get into a really passive state about all 1067 00:59:58,240 --> 01:00:01,600 Speaker 1: Mitch Albums said, if you don't like the culture, you 1068 01:00:01,760 --> 01:00:03,520 Speaker 1: have to be brave enough to create your own. I 1069 01:00:03,600 --> 01:00:06,000 Speaker 1: love that, and by the way, that's what we do 1070 01:00:06,080 --> 01:00:08,360 Speaker 1: in business, right. That's what you've done in your business, 1071 01:00:08,480 --> 01:00:11,440 Speaker 1: is that you've created a culture that you love, that 1072 01:00:11,600 --> 01:00:15,360 Speaker 1: is right for you, and that's what you you know, 1073 01:00:15,440 --> 01:00:18,400 Speaker 1: in the most positive way, infect your team with is 1074 01:00:18,480 --> 01:00:22,280 Speaker 1: that beautiful culture and that amazing way that you see 1075 01:00:22,360 --> 01:00:24,680 Speaker 1: the world and the way that you do things, and 1076 01:00:24,800 --> 01:00:28,040 Speaker 1: it makes your organization unlike any other in the world. 1077 01:00:28,280 --> 01:00:31,640 Speaker 1: It's got your thumbprint on it. That's the beauty in 1078 01:00:31,720 --> 01:00:33,640 Speaker 1: a way of starting a business is that you get 1079 01:00:33,720 --> 01:00:36,880 Speaker 1: to do it your way and our love life can 1080 01:00:36,920 --> 01:00:41,120 Speaker 1: be the same. We can decide what's the culture that 1081 01:00:41,320 --> 01:00:44,960 Speaker 1: I want to have instead of commenting on culture, what's 1082 01:00:45,040 --> 01:00:47,280 Speaker 1: the culture I want to create in my love life? 1083 01:00:47,600 --> 01:00:50,400 Speaker 1: If someone you know, if I'm sick of this whole 1084 01:00:50,520 --> 01:00:53,280 Speaker 1: constant texting thing, or why don't I be the one 1085 01:00:53,320 --> 01:00:56,360 Speaker 1: to leave someone a voice note today? Like why if 1086 01:00:56,560 --> 01:01:00,560 Speaker 1: someone's just sent me the fiftieth text, why don't I 1087 01:01:00,840 --> 01:01:02,480 Speaker 1: send them back when they ask me how am I 1088 01:01:02,560 --> 01:01:06,280 Speaker 1: doing today? Why not just say maybe it's too scary 1089 01:01:06,400 --> 01:01:08,479 Speaker 1: to call them, but maybe I just leave a voice 1090 01:01:08,520 --> 01:01:11,200 Speaker 1: note and say, hey, how you doing. I thought i'd 1091 01:01:11,960 --> 01:01:13,760 Speaker 1: you know, I thought i'd leave you a voice note. 1092 01:01:13,800 --> 01:01:16,120 Speaker 1: I'm out with my sister right now. We're in Ikea. 1093 01:01:16,400 --> 01:01:18,560 Speaker 1: We're trying to find furniture for this thing. I'll send 1094 01:01:18,600 --> 01:01:21,120 Speaker 1: you a picture because I am dreading getting home and 1095 01:01:21,200 --> 01:01:24,040 Speaker 1: having to actually make this. Tell me about your day, 1096 01:01:24,240 --> 01:01:25,920 Speaker 1: like how you doing? Blah blah blah. Like you know, 1097 01:01:26,120 --> 01:01:30,200 Speaker 1: you can inject a different level of energy and enthusiasm 1098 01:01:30,560 --> 01:01:33,440 Speaker 1: or sexiness or flirtatiousness or whatever it may be. A 1099 01:01:33,520 --> 01:01:36,800 Speaker 1: little laugh here, that's endearing. You can do all of 1100 01:01:36,880 --> 01:01:38,840 Speaker 1: that in a voice note in a way that when 1101 01:01:39,000 --> 01:01:42,240 Speaker 1: someone listens to it, now it's not just another text 1102 01:01:42,320 --> 01:01:45,880 Speaker 1: on their phone. You're like attacking a different sense. And 1103 01:01:46,280 --> 01:01:49,960 Speaker 1: that will increase the level of intimacy even just by 1104 01:01:50,040 --> 01:01:54,800 Speaker 1: one percent two percent, And that might just make you like, 1105 01:01:54,920 --> 01:01:58,080 Speaker 1: that's leadership because you're not just we spend so much 1106 01:01:58,200 --> 01:02:01,840 Speaker 1: time mirroring people like I'm going to mirror how someone 1107 01:02:01,880 --> 01:02:04,360 Speaker 1: else is, what someone else is giving me, and this 1108 01:02:04,840 --> 01:02:07,680 Speaker 1: this person I'm seeing, But we have to start modeling 1109 01:02:07,800 --> 01:02:10,880 Speaker 1: more like it. Don't get me wrong. If you model 1110 01:02:11,280 --> 01:02:14,040 Speaker 1: behavior that you want to see by being the one 1111 01:02:14,120 --> 01:02:16,160 Speaker 1: who picks up the phone first or leaves the voice 1112 01:02:16,200 --> 01:02:20,160 Speaker 1: note and then they don't meet you there, then you 1113 01:02:20,280 --> 01:02:23,640 Speaker 1: can say, Okay, I'm going to start to mirror their 1114 01:02:23,720 --> 01:02:25,600 Speaker 1: lack of investment. I'm going to start to back off. 1115 01:02:26,120 --> 01:02:28,720 Speaker 1: But you can't just be in a state of mirroring 1116 01:02:28,800 --> 01:02:29,360 Speaker 1: all the time. 1117 01:02:29,560 --> 01:02:30,760 Speaker 3: Like this is such a good point. 1118 01:02:30,800 --> 01:02:33,080 Speaker 1: It works on every level. Man, I was at my 1119 01:02:33,120 --> 01:02:35,120 Speaker 1: coffee shop this morning and there's a guy there that 1120 01:02:36,000 --> 01:02:38,440 Speaker 1: really like we always have like a really nice, like 1121 01:02:38,560 --> 01:02:43,439 Speaker 1: three minute conversation, and this morning like it never goes 1122 01:02:43,480 --> 01:02:46,080 Speaker 1: further than that. But this morning as he was going 1123 01:02:46,160 --> 01:02:47,920 Speaker 1: to the coffee bar, he said, can I get you 1124 01:02:47,960 --> 01:02:48,400 Speaker 1: a coffee? 1125 01:02:49,560 --> 01:02:49,680 Speaker 3: Now? 1126 01:02:50,200 --> 01:02:53,360 Speaker 1: Like I remember in that moment, I thought that was 1127 01:02:53,640 --> 01:02:58,840 Speaker 1: like a little moment of like vulnerability and leadership. That 1128 01:02:59,080 --> 01:03:02,200 Speaker 1: was like had the potential to upgrade the relationship. 1129 01:03:02,280 --> 01:03:02,880 Speaker 3: Do you know what I mean? 1130 01:03:03,040 --> 01:03:05,040 Speaker 1: Like this is just another guy in a coffee shop, 1131 01:03:05,080 --> 01:03:08,479 Speaker 1: but it was like, oh we might hear you offered 1132 01:03:08,520 --> 01:03:11,360 Speaker 1: me a coffee. I say yes, And now like our 1133 01:03:11,440 --> 01:03:13,880 Speaker 1: relationship is one way, you got me a Coffeeah yeah, 1134 01:03:13,920 --> 01:03:15,600 Speaker 1: and now we might sit for ten minutes so on. 1135 01:03:16,240 --> 01:03:19,720 Speaker 1: That's how things move, but they can't move if you're 1136 01:03:19,760 --> 01:03:22,840 Speaker 1: in this like fearful protectionist. I don't want to get hurt. 1137 01:03:23,120 --> 01:03:25,200 Speaker 1: I don't want to give more than the other person. 1138 01:03:25,360 --> 01:03:27,920 Speaker 1: I don't want to That's not a good standard to have. 1139 01:03:28,200 --> 01:03:32,120 Speaker 1: A great standard to have is lead and model the 1140 01:03:32,240 --> 01:03:35,000 Speaker 1: kind of culture you want to see. And if someone 1141 01:03:35,080 --> 01:03:38,760 Speaker 1: doesn't meet you there, that's where the standard comes in. Yes, 1142 01:03:39,040 --> 01:03:41,840 Speaker 1: that's where you of course the standard is modeling. But 1143 01:03:41,960 --> 01:03:45,160 Speaker 1: the counter standard if they don't meet you there is 1144 01:03:45,200 --> 01:03:48,080 Speaker 1: to say this isn't someone I'm going to continue modeling 1145 01:03:48,160 --> 01:03:50,840 Speaker 1: that kind of investment for because they're not meeting me there. 1146 01:03:51,040 --> 01:03:53,480 Speaker 2: Yeah, that is Oh man, that is so well put. 1147 01:03:53,600 --> 01:03:56,800 Speaker 2: And I'm so glad that you made that so clear 1148 01:03:57,320 --> 01:04:00,280 Speaker 2: because I couldn't agree with you more. I feel like 1149 01:04:01,080 --> 01:04:06,360 Speaker 2: we're limiting ourselves so much and we're actually creating what 1150 01:04:06,480 --> 01:04:08,760 Speaker 2: you just ended on there. It's a really powerful point. 1151 01:04:09,080 --> 01:04:12,840 Speaker 2: We're actually creating a culture that even if this relationship lasts, 1152 01:04:13,160 --> 01:04:15,520 Speaker 2: it will be set at the wrong level. So the 1153 01:04:15,560 --> 01:04:18,520 Speaker 2: culture of that relationship now is we sometimes text, we 1154 01:04:18,680 --> 01:04:21,240 Speaker 2: rarely call, and now, even if the relationship lasts and 1155 01:04:21,280 --> 01:04:23,400 Speaker 2: we do like each other a little bit, it's never 1156 01:04:23,480 --> 01:04:25,840 Speaker 2: going to change from that. So you're way better off 1157 01:04:25,960 --> 01:04:29,200 Speaker 2: setting the standard and the culture from day one and 1158 01:04:29,280 --> 01:04:32,000 Speaker 2: seeing if it develops and grows. And I find what 1159 01:04:32,120 --> 01:04:33,840 Speaker 2: most people do, and I think we've all experienced this 1160 01:04:34,280 --> 01:04:36,040 Speaker 2: is for three to six months we try and not 1161 01:04:36,240 --> 01:04:39,200 Speaker 2: disrupt the culture, and then six months later we're like, no, no, no, 1162 01:04:39,320 --> 01:04:41,000 Speaker 2: but I always wanted this, and I thought we were 1163 01:04:41,040 --> 01:04:43,000 Speaker 2: going to get there, and the person's like, no, no, no, 1164 01:04:43,080 --> 01:04:46,640 Speaker 2: but this is what we are. And I remember that Radi, 1165 01:04:47,360 --> 01:04:48,960 Speaker 2: who's the only person I've ever been with since I 1166 01:04:49,040 --> 01:04:51,240 Speaker 2: left the monastery like it was like she was the 1167 01:04:51,360 --> 01:04:55,000 Speaker 2: person that I was fully clear with about who I was, 1168 01:04:55,080 --> 01:04:58,320 Speaker 2: what are my expectations were, where we were, and thankfully 1169 01:04:58,400 --> 01:05:01,320 Speaker 2: she was that back too. And we had some really 1170 01:05:01,400 --> 01:05:04,400 Speaker 2: hard conversations early on about some big things that were 1171 01:05:04,560 --> 01:05:06,520 Speaker 2: important to her, not important to me, important to me, 1172 01:05:06,640 --> 01:05:09,200 Speaker 2: not important to her. And what I loved was how 1173 01:05:09,280 --> 01:05:12,160 Speaker 2: we talked about those things and how we kind of 1174 01:05:12,280 --> 01:05:15,720 Speaker 2: navigated those things. And it's not that we're perfect and 1175 01:05:15,760 --> 01:05:17,920 Speaker 2: we don't have issues. We have so many challenges. You know, 1176 01:05:17,960 --> 01:05:20,480 Speaker 2: we've been together for eleven years now. There's so many 1177 01:05:21,000 --> 01:05:22,720 Speaker 2: things that have come up over the years that have 1178 01:05:23,320 --> 01:05:26,760 Speaker 2: given us different challenges. But the difference is we set 1179 01:05:26,800 --> 01:05:30,400 Speaker 2: a culture of how to deal with difficult things early on. 1180 01:05:31,120 --> 01:05:33,640 Speaker 2: And I think what I hear time and time again, 1181 01:05:33,680 --> 01:05:35,680 Speaker 2: and I know you hear this probably ten xt the 1182 01:05:35,720 --> 01:05:38,920 Speaker 2: amount I hear this. It all comes down to the 1183 01:05:39,000 --> 01:05:44,160 Speaker 2: fact that we want people to like us so bad 1184 01:05:45,120 --> 01:05:49,400 Speaker 2: that we're willing to act unlike ourselves in order for 1185 01:05:49,520 --> 01:05:52,040 Speaker 2: them to like us. Because if they can like a 1186 01:05:52,200 --> 01:05:55,320 Speaker 2: version of us, then that's good enough for us. And 1187 01:05:55,440 --> 01:05:57,480 Speaker 2: so if the version is I never bother you, I 1188 01:05:57,600 --> 01:06:00,760 Speaker 2: never text, I never call you, We will be that 1189 01:06:01,000 --> 01:06:04,480 Speaker 2: person for you because that makes you like me. We 1190 01:06:04,560 --> 01:06:07,360 Speaker 2: all love to be referred to as that person who's like, oh, yeah, 1191 01:06:07,360 --> 01:06:09,880 Speaker 2: they're low maintenance, and we love that label. We're like, yeah, yeah, 1192 01:06:09,880 --> 01:06:14,600 Speaker 2: I'm low maintenance, and inside we're like, yeah, I've got 1193 01:06:14,680 --> 01:06:17,400 Speaker 2: way more needs than this. But guess what I've set 1194 01:06:17,440 --> 01:06:20,160 Speaker 2: the culture of being low maintenance. Now a year later 1195 01:06:20,880 --> 01:06:22,880 Speaker 2: they're like, wait a minute, you were low maintenance here ago. 1196 01:06:22,920 --> 01:06:24,280 Speaker 2: Why are you high maintenance? Yeah? 1197 01:06:24,320 --> 01:06:26,920 Speaker 1: And there's two problems with that. One is that it 1198 01:06:27,040 --> 01:06:29,840 Speaker 1: can actually make it so that someone can't even really 1199 01:06:29,920 --> 01:06:32,640 Speaker 1: read us or our intentions. It's a bit like when 1200 01:06:32,760 --> 01:06:36,320 Speaker 1: someone is like, wants to be calling indifferent. Well, if 1201 01:06:36,920 --> 01:06:38,280 Speaker 1: there's a story I tell in the book of a 1202 01:06:38,320 --> 01:06:41,520 Speaker 1: friend of mine who was dating someone and then went 1203 01:06:41,560 --> 01:06:44,040 Speaker 1: on a trip and he didn't really reach out to 1204 01:06:44,080 --> 01:06:47,720 Speaker 1: her on that trip, and by the time he got 1205 01:06:47,800 --> 01:06:51,920 Speaker 1: home after a few days, she said to him on 1206 01:06:52,040 --> 01:06:56,120 Speaker 1: the phone. It the fact that you were away and 1207 01:06:56,240 --> 01:06:59,440 Speaker 1: you didn't really speak to me made me feel funny, 1208 01:07:00,080 --> 01:07:01,880 Speaker 1: made me feel like you may have been sharing your 1209 01:07:01,920 --> 01:07:04,920 Speaker 1: bed with someone else and they hadn't been on Like 1210 01:07:05,120 --> 01:07:07,320 Speaker 1: this isn't two people who had been dating for six moneys. 1211 01:07:07,320 --> 01:07:10,880 Speaker 1: They'd been on a couple of dates, but that was 1212 01:07:10,960 --> 01:07:12,600 Speaker 1: the moment when he said to me, I think I 1213 01:07:12,760 --> 01:07:18,200 Speaker 1: liked this person because there was an intentionality to it. 1214 01:07:18,440 --> 01:07:21,120 Speaker 1: She didn't go, I'm being high maintenance by saying this, 1215 01:07:22,800 --> 01:07:26,160 Speaker 1: she just communicated what she was feeling. And by doing that, 1216 01:07:26,400 --> 01:07:31,160 Speaker 1: instead of being cool indifferent girl like chill, I'm chill, 1217 01:07:31,400 --> 01:07:33,160 Speaker 1: Like I don't care that you didn't text me while 1218 01:07:33,160 --> 01:07:36,000 Speaker 1: you're away, she went, no, no, no, no. It made 1219 01:07:36,040 --> 01:07:39,560 Speaker 1: me feel funny, Yeah, because it would. The subtext is 1220 01:07:39,600 --> 01:07:42,200 Speaker 1: it would hurt me to know, like maybe we haven't 1221 01:07:42,200 --> 01:07:43,760 Speaker 1: known each other that long, but it would still make 1222 01:07:43,840 --> 01:07:45,640 Speaker 1: me feel something to know that you'd shared your bed 1223 01:07:45,720 --> 01:07:49,240 Speaker 1: with someone else while you were away. That's a very 1224 01:07:49,440 --> 01:07:54,320 Speaker 1: powerful thing to do, because if he's seeing multiple people 1225 01:07:54,440 --> 01:07:57,960 Speaker 1: in that moment, all of them playing cool, indifferent whatever, 1226 01:07:58,440 --> 01:08:02,760 Speaker 1: he now sees someone who who is actually telegraphing the 1227 01:08:02,880 --> 01:08:06,000 Speaker 1: kind of person she is, that she's a three dimensional 1228 01:08:06,120 --> 01:08:13,120 Speaker 1: person with real feelings and that she wants something more. 1229 01:08:13,240 --> 01:08:16,160 Speaker 1: She is not the kind of person to date if 1230 01:08:16,200 --> 01:08:19,559 Speaker 1: you don't want something more. And by the way, even 1231 01:08:19,640 --> 01:08:21,479 Speaker 1: the first time someone gets like it's just a little 1232 01:08:21,520 --> 01:08:25,840 Speaker 1: bit jealous of something can be a moment of intentionality 1233 01:08:25,880 --> 01:08:29,639 Speaker 1: in a relationship because you the moment you see someone's 1234 01:08:29,680 --> 01:08:31,680 Speaker 1: a little bit like, they convey a little bit of 1235 01:08:31,720 --> 01:08:34,800 Speaker 1: even if it's playful jealousy. I don't like that made 1236 01:08:34,840 --> 01:08:37,439 Speaker 1: me feel funny. You're not allowed to text that, but whatever, 1237 01:08:38,280 --> 01:08:40,560 Speaker 1: you can go you it almost can make you like 1238 01:08:40,680 --> 01:08:43,280 Speaker 1: that person more because you can go, oh, that's like 1239 01:08:44,439 --> 01:08:47,720 Speaker 1: it's almost like you've telegraphed that we've gone to a 1240 01:08:47,840 --> 01:08:50,920 Speaker 1: new level where jealousy is even possible. Yeah, because at 1241 01:08:50,960 --> 01:08:53,640 Speaker 1: the beginning, jealousy wasn't even possible, and now it is. 1242 01:08:53,800 --> 01:08:55,599 Speaker 1: You must like me. I think I like you too. 1243 01:08:55,880 --> 01:08:58,800 Speaker 1: You know. It's like there's a we're so afraid of 1244 01:08:59,720 --> 01:09:05,200 Speaker 1: saying these things that actually telegraph intentionality, which is a 1245 01:09:05,320 --> 01:09:06,639 Speaker 1: really really powerful thing. 1246 01:09:07,000 --> 01:09:09,760 Speaker 2: Yeah, but it all comes down back to the root 1247 01:09:09,840 --> 01:09:13,880 Speaker 2: of we're so scared because we're scared that that person 1248 01:09:13,960 --> 01:09:17,519 Speaker 2: will leave, and often they will because their friends saying 1249 01:09:17,560 --> 01:09:21,080 Speaker 2: to them, oh yeah, man, their psycho are their obsessive 1250 01:09:21,720 --> 01:09:24,560 Speaker 2: leave right, And so we don't want these extreme labels, 1251 01:09:25,360 --> 01:09:28,520 Speaker 2: and I think often so we're scared of looking unattractive, 1252 01:09:29,000 --> 01:09:32,519 Speaker 2: we're scared of being unwanted. We're scared of being rejected, right, 1253 01:09:32,640 --> 01:09:34,559 Speaker 2: That's the reason we don't say any of this because 1254 01:09:34,600 --> 01:09:36,439 Speaker 2: we're like, if I say that, they're going to think 1255 01:09:36,439 --> 01:09:39,760 Speaker 2: I'm psycho crazy, obsessed, and I don't want to come 1256 01:09:39,800 --> 01:09:42,400 Speaker 2: across that way, and so I won't say anything until 1257 01:09:42,479 --> 01:09:44,360 Speaker 2: one year on which, by the way, they're going to 1258 01:09:44,400 --> 01:09:47,000 Speaker 2: think the same exact thing when it's a full surprise. 1259 01:09:47,320 --> 01:09:49,120 Speaker 2: So I want to talk to you about that. And 1260 01:09:49,240 --> 01:09:51,160 Speaker 2: then the other idea that I see a lot of 1261 01:09:51,520 --> 01:09:55,280 Speaker 2: that people get stuck on is when they say something, 1262 01:09:55,479 --> 01:09:59,599 Speaker 2: they say it as a demand or a command, where 1263 01:09:59,640 --> 01:10:02,040 Speaker 2: it's like, well, I expect you to do this. And 1264 01:10:02,240 --> 01:10:05,880 Speaker 2: that's where I think it's unhealthy because I like someone 1265 01:10:05,960 --> 01:10:08,320 Speaker 2: being honest with me, but I also don't want that 1266 01:10:08,479 --> 01:10:11,160 Speaker 2: to be my progress report because I may have a 1267 01:10:11,240 --> 01:10:13,800 Speaker 2: really good thing to say back. And so if I'm 1268 01:10:13,840 --> 01:10:15,320 Speaker 2: going to say back, if someone was like if someone 1269 01:10:15,360 --> 01:10:17,920 Speaker 2: said that to me, like you didn't contact me, I'll 1270 01:10:17,960 --> 01:10:19,680 Speaker 2: be like, yeah, you know what. When I travel, I 1271 01:10:19,720 --> 01:10:22,240 Speaker 2: actually really struggle to stay in touch with anyone because 1272 01:10:22,240 --> 01:10:24,160 Speaker 2: I'm really trying to be present. I'm really trying to immerse. 1273 01:10:24,479 --> 01:10:25,920 Speaker 2: But now that I know that's a value for you, 1274 01:10:26,280 --> 01:10:28,639 Speaker 2: next time I go away, let's talk about how often 1275 01:10:28,680 --> 01:10:30,880 Speaker 2: we can both keep in touch realistically, because I'm also 1276 01:10:30,920 --> 01:10:32,400 Speaker 2: not going to promise I'm going to call you every 1277 01:10:32,400 --> 01:10:35,280 Speaker 2: single day, even if I'm really excited about you, because 1278 01:10:35,280 --> 01:10:37,400 Speaker 2: I'm also going to set my standard back. And I 1279 01:10:37,439 --> 01:10:39,080 Speaker 2: think often people don't want to hear that. 1280 01:10:39,240 --> 01:10:39,479 Speaker 3: Either. 1281 01:10:39,840 --> 01:10:42,519 Speaker 2: They want to hear someone say, oh, of course, I 1282 01:10:42,640 --> 01:10:44,439 Speaker 2: understand everything you're saying, and I'm going to call you 1283 01:10:44,520 --> 01:10:47,080 Speaker 2: every day when I go away again. And so one 1284 01:10:47,200 --> 01:10:50,120 Speaker 2: side is you're scared of getting fully rejected, and the 1285 01:10:50,200 --> 01:10:52,800 Speaker 2: other side is you're scared of not getting exactly what 1286 01:10:52,960 --> 01:10:55,800 Speaker 2: you want. And I don't think both those expectations are 1287 01:10:55,920 --> 01:10:59,720 Speaker 2: useful because you might get rejected and you're never going 1288 01:10:59,760 --> 01:11:02,160 Speaker 2: to get exactly what you want in an authentic way. 1289 01:11:02,479 --> 01:11:04,880 Speaker 1: No, And I think that's why we if we're the 1290 01:11:04,960 --> 01:11:09,280 Speaker 1: one who wants something, we have to zoom out enough 1291 01:11:09,600 --> 01:11:14,320 Speaker 1: to look at whether this person and what they bring 1292 01:11:14,439 --> 01:11:19,080 Speaker 1: to our life and what this relationship is like holistically 1293 01:11:19,880 --> 01:11:23,920 Speaker 1: is enough for us. Because we may say I want 1294 01:11:24,000 --> 01:11:26,960 Speaker 1: this person to call me every day, but that may 1295 01:11:27,240 --> 01:11:30,599 Speaker 1: genuinely not be their style, right. It's they're not someone 1296 01:11:30,640 --> 01:11:32,600 Speaker 1: who enjoys sitting on the phone as much as you do. 1297 01:11:34,320 --> 01:11:36,840 Speaker 1: They might pick up the phone and call you every 1298 01:11:36,880 --> 01:11:39,360 Speaker 1: couple of days, but in the meantime they will text 1299 01:11:39,439 --> 01:11:42,280 Speaker 1: you or you have to It's like you have to 1300 01:11:42,400 --> 01:11:45,680 Speaker 1: zoom out and go. How much of this relationship, not 1301 01:11:45,920 --> 01:11:48,040 Speaker 1: these moments, whether they call or not. How much of 1302 01:11:48,120 --> 01:11:53,640 Speaker 1: this relationship correct meets my needs? You know, what are 1303 01:11:53,680 --> 01:11:56,920 Speaker 1: the fundamental things? Well, I need to feel safe with someone, 1304 01:11:57,000 --> 01:11:58,720 Speaker 1: like I need to feel like they actually want me 1305 01:11:59,760 --> 01:12:05,040 Speaker 1: and that I'm not kind of investing under a misapprehension 1306 01:12:05,120 --> 01:12:07,760 Speaker 1: about what this is. I need to know at a 1307 01:12:07,840 --> 01:12:11,600 Speaker 1: certain point that regardless of our differences, we're giving this 1308 01:12:11,680 --> 01:12:15,320 Speaker 1: a go and we're exclusive. So that might be one thing. 1309 01:12:15,400 --> 01:12:18,599 Speaker 1: Another thing is I need to feel like whether it's 1310 01:12:18,640 --> 01:12:20,960 Speaker 1: on the exact platform I might have hoped, I need 1311 01:12:21,040 --> 01:12:25,560 Speaker 1: to feel like I get enough communication, you know, holistically 1312 01:12:25,640 --> 01:12:30,519 Speaker 1: in this relationship to feel like I'm actually connected to 1313 01:12:30,600 --> 01:12:34,519 Speaker 1: this person. You know, if someone very very rarely travels 1314 01:12:34,600 --> 01:12:36,280 Speaker 1: and then they go away and you don't hear from 1315 01:12:36,320 --> 01:12:37,840 Speaker 1: them a lot when they travel, that may not be 1316 01:12:37,920 --> 01:12:39,920 Speaker 1: a big deal. If they're on the road half the 1317 01:12:40,040 --> 01:12:42,840 Speaker 1: year and then they're not really connecting with you while 1318 01:12:42,840 --> 01:12:45,000 Speaker 1: they're traveling that's going to have a much bigger impact 1319 01:12:45,040 --> 01:12:48,519 Speaker 1: on your life. It doesn't make them wrong, but it 1320 01:12:48,960 --> 01:12:51,840 Speaker 1: might not be enough for you. Yeah, and that's where 1321 01:12:51,960 --> 01:12:54,640 Speaker 1: we have to start getting really honest with ourselves. We 1322 01:12:54,760 --> 01:12:59,320 Speaker 1: get so caught up in who's right and wrong, and 1323 01:12:59,400 --> 01:13:02,680 Speaker 1: we don't spend enough time just asking is it right 1324 01:13:02,800 --> 01:13:07,439 Speaker 1: for me? Does this person work well with me? Are 1325 01:13:07,560 --> 01:13:13,400 Speaker 1: we compatible? And compatibility is everything you know you can't. 1326 01:13:13,760 --> 01:13:16,760 Speaker 1: I talk about four levels of importance in any relationship 1327 01:13:17,040 --> 01:13:20,559 Speaker 1: or any person, any dynamic you have with a person. 1328 01:13:21,360 --> 01:13:25,000 Speaker 1: The first one is admiration. That's just you admiring someone. 1329 01:13:25,080 --> 01:13:26,960 Speaker 1: It doesn't mean very much. They may not even know 1330 01:13:27,040 --> 01:13:30,599 Speaker 1: you exist. The second one is mutual attraction. That's when 1331 01:13:30,640 --> 01:13:33,040 Speaker 1: you actually know you like each other. The third one 1332 01:13:33,120 --> 01:13:35,240 Speaker 1: is commitment. That's when you don't just like each other, 1333 01:13:35,320 --> 01:13:38,840 Speaker 1: but you're actually saying yes to the relationship. And the 1334 01:13:38,880 --> 01:13:42,880 Speaker 1: fourth one is compatibility, because actually love isn't all you need. 1335 01:13:43,920 --> 01:13:47,880 Speaker 1: You need two people who actually work well together. You know, 1336 01:13:48,200 --> 01:13:52,160 Speaker 1: is it's not is this person you know? Am I 1337 01:13:52,240 --> 01:13:55,120 Speaker 1: good at handling them? And are they good at handling me? 1338 01:13:56,080 --> 01:13:58,120 Speaker 1: Like that's a pretty I think that's a pretty good 1339 01:13:58,160 --> 01:14:01,160 Speaker 1: barometer of a relationship I came. 1340 01:14:01,080 --> 01:14:02,240 Speaker 3: To this is a great one. 1341 01:14:02,760 --> 01:14:05,200 Speaker 1: Yeah, because you're gonna come with your stuff. This nonsense 1342 01:14:05,240 --> 01:14:07,400 Speaker 1: of like we have to come to a relationship fully healed. 1343 01:14:07,880 --> 01:14:11,880 Speaker 1: Who does No one who likes an it's a it's 1344 01:14:12,040 --> 01:14:15,680 Speaker 1: this idea that gets talked about that no one actually does. 1345 01:14:16,400 --> 01:14:17,200 Speaker 1: No one comes to it. 1346 01:14:17,240 --> 01:14:17,400 Speaker 2: Ever. 1347 01:14:17,520 --> 01:14:20,240 Speaker 1: I'm to make myself whole and healed and everything before 1348 01:14:20,280 --> 01:14:23,360 Speaker 1: a relationship. Good luck. And by the way, half the 1349 01:14:23,400 --> 01:14:26,120 Speaker 1: people who say that stuff, who have been married ten years, 1350 01:14:26,439 --> 01:14:29,280 Speaker 1: they weren't that way when they met their partner. So 1351 01:14:29,800 --> 01:14:35,040 Speaker 1: we find imperfect people. You know that we are damaged 1352 01:14:35,200 --> 01:14:40,840 Speaker 1: vessels that somehow still work, and that's beautiful. And we're 1353 01:14:40,880 --> 01:14:45,360 Speaker 1: trying to find another damaged vessel that we go. Oh, 1354 01:14:45,439 --> 01:14:50,800 Speaker 1: I understand the I understand the fabric of their challenges 1355 01:14:51,000 --> 01:14:54,439 Speaker 1: and what they struggle with, or at least it makes 1356 01:14:54,479 --> 01:14:56,479 Speaker 1: sense to me when I hear it. And you know, 1357 01:14:56,560 --> 01:14:58,640 Speaker 1: I have compassion for it, and I have empathy for it, 1358 01:14:58,720 --> 01:15:02,479 Speaker 1: and I have affection for it even and vice versa. 1359 01:15:02,720 --> 01:15:07,120 Speaker 1: And so now when we go through our inevitable things, 1360 01:15:07,560 --> 01:15:12,120 Speaker 1: we're just good at handling each other. So it's when 1361 01:15:12,200 --> 01:15:16,240 Speaker 1: we when we have a standard we may not end 1362 01:15:16,320 --> 01:15:20,280 Speaker 1: up exactly where we want to be, but the ultimate 1363 01:15:20,400 --> 01:15:24,400 Speaker 1: standard of holistically, are you getting what you need from 1364 01:15:24,439 --> 01:15:29,360 Speaker 1: this relationship. That's a really important question that not enough 1365 01:15:29,439 --> 01:15:34,760 Speaker 1: people ask and as a result they suffer in unhappy relationships. 1366 01:15:35,040 --> 01:15:37,800 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's so interesting to get into that kind of 1367 01:15:39,040 --> 01:15:41,800 Speaker 2: you know, to go beyond that superficial conversation of make 1368 01:15:41,840 --> 01:15:43,920 Speaker 2: a list of what you want and like, you know, 1369 01:15:44,000 --> 01:15:45,960 Speaker 2: try and find it out and you know that that 1370 01:15:46,120 --> 01:15:48,400 Speaker 2: kind of ego centric list that we get. Let's let's 1371 01:15:48,720 --> 01:15:52,639 Speaker 2: talk a bit about breakups, because I think the challenge 1372 01:15:52,720 --> 01:15:55,040 Speaker 2: is that everyone in their life goes through at least 1373 01:15:55,120 --> 01:16:00,680 Speaker 2: one or two maybe more, really painful breakups. Whether it's fidelity, 1374 01:16:00,800 --> 01:16:04,519 Speaker 2: whether it's out it feels out of the blue, someone 1375 01:16:04,680 --> 01:16:07,599 Speaker 2: just goes Yep, not working out for me anymore, whether 1376 01:16:07,720 --> 01:16:12,040 Speaker 2: it's different goals and different plans and priorities that emerge 1377 01:16:12,080 --> 01:16:14,360 Speaker 2: over time. And I think everyone who goes through a 1378 01:16:14,439 --> 01:16:19,479 Speaker 2: breakup blames it on themselves. Often thinks that this is 1379 01:16:19,560 --> 01:16:22,840 Speaker 2: the end, there'll never be another person, and it feels 1380 01:16:22,920 --> 01:16:26,880 Speaker 2: like a really dark, dark, dark empty road and a 1381 01:16:27,000 --> 01:16:31,720 Speaker 2: lonely road. And I think it's really interesting because there's 1382 01:16:31,760 --> 01:16:34,479 Speaker 2: so many piece of advice and everything about like how 1383 01:16:34,520 --> 01:16:36,479 Speaker 2: to get over a breakup, and I've talked about that 1384 01:16:36,560 --> 01:16:39,280 Speaker 2: as well myself, but I just find that it seems 1385 01:16:39,280 --> 01:16:40,920 Speaker 2: to be a path that you have to walk and 1386 01:16:41,080 --> 01:16:45,600 Speaker 2: have to take and there's no real acceleration or there's not, 1387 01:16:45,720 --> 01:16:47,280 Speaker 2: as you said, there's not like I'm going to get 1388 01:16:47,280 --> 01:16:49,519 Speaker 2: over this breakup in three months, right, there's no timeline 1389 01:16:49,600 --> 01:16:52,320 Speaker 2: or deadline that you can set on it. But it's 1390 01:16:52,400 --> 01:16:56,280 Speaker 2: just uncomfortable, and it's almost like sitting in discomfort. What 1391 01:16:56,400 --> 01:16:58,400 Speaker 2: do we do when we're sitting in that discomfort? 1392 01:16:58,840 --> 01:17:02,920 Speaker 1: Well, when you're you're in the depths of it, because 1393 01:17:02,960 --> 01:17:06,400 Speaker 1: there's different phases, right, Like there's certainly a phase of 1394 01:17:06,479 --> 01:17:11,800 Speaker 1: any heartbreak when it's genuine deep heartbreak where you are 1395 01:17:12,240 --> 01:17:14,800 Speaker 1: just questioning your existence, where you are like. 1396 01:17:16,479 --> 01:17:16,519 Speaker 2: This. 1397 01:17:17,439 --> 01:17:19,200 Speaker 1: You know, I remember having my own heart broken and 1398 01:17:19,479 --> 01:17:23,519 Speaker 1: sitting on the door the doorstep of my house with 1399 01:17:23,760 --> 01:17:28,120 Speaker 1: a friend of mine and just with tears in my 1400 01:17:28,200 --> 01:17:31,160 Speaker 1: eyes saying to him, I just feel like I'm not 1401 01:17:31,320 --> 01:17:36,000 Speaker 1: good enough. Like that was my deep sense, was that 1402 01:17:36,160 --> 01:17:38,639 Speaker 1: I am not good enough, and if I was good enough, 1403 01:17:39,320 --> 01:17:42,040 Speaker 1: I would have been able to make this work. And 1404 01:17:44,520 --> 01:17:49,280 Speaker 1: that's it's a horrible place to be, and you you know, 1405 01:17:49,360 --> 01:17:51,840 Speaker 1: we have to have compassion for ourselves in those times 1406 01:17:51,960 --> 01:17:58,240 Speaker 1: because it's brutally difficult. It's a time where we just 1407 01:17:58,680 --> 01:18:03,280 Speaker 1: need love and we need to celebrate the fact that 1408 01:18:03,479 --> 01:18:06,840 Speaker 1: we got through another day and that we got I 1409 01:18:06,960 --> 01:18:10,920 Speaker 1: managed to get out of bed today, and you know, 1410 01:18:11,600 --> 01:18:13,760 Speaker 1: it was an act of it was a heroic act 1411 01:18:13,880 --> 01:18:16,640 Speaker 1: for me to just get out of bed. We then 1412 01:18:16,760 --> 01:18:20,120 Speaker 1: have to you know, I always think that all of 1413 01:18:20,200 --> 01:18:24,280 Speaker 1: these moments give us gears that we wouldn't have had otherwise. 1414 01:18:25,400 --> 01:18:27,800 Speaker 1: And the worst pain of my life has given me 1415 01:18:28,800 --> 01:18:33,200 Speaker 1: access to gears that I didn't know I had. And 1416 01:18:33,680 --> 01:18:35,639 Speaker 1: as much as no one wants to hear it when 1417 01:18:35,640 --> 01:18:39,200 Speaker 1: they're in it, those gears turn out to be really valuable. 1418 01:18:40,520 --> 01:18:44,880 Speaker 1: They really do. I mean, we all choose suffering in 1419 01:18:45,000 --> 01:18:47,679 Speaker 1: our lives. Like we choose to go to the gym 1420 01:18:47,920 --> 01:18:52,360 Speaker 1: that's choosing suffering. We choose like to write a book 1421 01:18:53,479 --> 01:18:56,679 Speaker 1: choosing a form of suffering. We choose to make a podcast, 1422 01:18:56,840 --> 01:18:59,720 Speaker 1: or we choose to climb a literal mountain, or like 1423 01:18:59,840 --> 01:19:04,840 Speaker 1: we choose pain in our lives regularly because we know 1424 01:19:04,960 --> 01:19:08,000 Speaker 1: that it gives us. There are benefits to be had 1425 01:19:08,760 --> 01:19:11,240 Speaker 1: I have to argue that the benefit I have gotten 1426 01:19:11,320 --> 01:19:14,680 Speaker 1: from the pain that I didn't choose has been no 1427 01:19:14,800 --> 01:19:16,960 Speaker 1: less valuable than the benefit I've gotten from the pain 1428 01:19:17,040 --> 01:19:20,000 Speaker 1: I did choose. In fact, actually I think the most 1429 01:19:20,080 --> 01:19:22,760 Speaker 1: valuable pain I've ever had is the pain I didn't choose. 1430 01:19:23,880 --> 01:19:28,519 Speaker 1: And when you realize that, you can kind of almost 1431 01:19:28,760 --> 01:19:31,080 Speaker 1: I think, look at some of the worst moments of 1432 01:19:31,160 --> 01:19:36,519 Speaker 1: your life as like a menu of pain, and beside 1433 01:19:36,640 --> 01:19:39,639 Speaker 1: the item on the menu is the very specific, unique 1434 01:19:39,720 --> 01:19:42,320 Speaker 1: benefits that can only come from this kind of pain, 1435 01:19:43,560 --> 01:19:49,120 Speaker 1: and you can kind of imagine yourself choosing, like retroactively 1436 01:19:49,240 --> 01:19:52,720 Speaker 1: choosing that pain, which is a very valuable thing to do. 1437 01:19:52,960 --> 01:19:56,080 Speaker 1: Because I was told by a psychologist about an experiment 1438 01:19:56,160 --> 01:20:02,120 Speaker 1: on rats where one rat was on a wheel and 1439 01:20:02,479 --> 01:20:05,640 Speaker 1: was just given, you know, like the free reign to 1440 01:20:05,800 --> 01:20:09,519 Speaker 1: just run whenever it wanted to run. There was another rat, 1441 01:20:09,880 --> 01:20:14,160 Speaker 1: this was Rat A. Rap B was connected to that wheel. 1442 01:20:14,280 --> 01:20:17,479 Speaker 1: He was on another wheel that was connected to Rat 1443 01:20:17,520 --> 01:20:22,360 Speaker 1: A's wheel, and any time Rat A chose to run, 1444 01:20:23,120 --> 01:20:27,479 Speaker 1: Rap B had to run right, so both doing the 1445 01:20:27,520 --> 01:20:31,479 Speaker 1: same amount of exercising. But at the end of the experiment, 1446 01:20:31,640 --> 01:20:34,880 Speaker 1: Rat A shows all the positive markers of exercise and 1447 01:20:35,080 --> 01:20:37,960 Speaker 1: rap B shows all the negative markers of stress. Oh wow, 1448 01:20:39,960 --> 01:20:43,400 Speaker 1: same amount of exercise was the difference? Well, rat A 1449 01:20:43,640 --> 01:20:49,600 Speaker 1: chose to run, rat B didn't. And there's something profound 1450 01:20:49,680 --> 01:20:52,920 Speaker 1: about that to me, because if we can take a 1451 01:20:53,000 --> 01:20:55,680 Speaker 1: situation that we didn't choose, who would choose to be heartbroken? 1452 01:20:55,760 --> 01:20:55,880 Speaker 2: Right? 1453 01:20:55,880 --> 01:20:59,400 Speaker 1: It's the worst, it's a terrible pain. But what if 1454 01:21:00,520 --> 01:21:03,639 Speaker 1: in that pain you did realize, like, there is something 1455 01:21:04,680 --> 01:21:09,120 Speaker 1: here that I'm going to gain from this experience that 1456 01:21:09,240 --> 01:21:12,160 Speaker 1: I couldn't have any other way. That if I look 1457 01:21:12,200 --> 01:21:15,240 Speaker 1: on that menu of pain, this one has some really 1458 01:21:15,320 --> 01:21:18,679 Speaker 1: good benefits, Like this one has some really amazing stuff. 1459 01:21:18,920 --> 01:21:20,840 Speaker 1: Who I'm going to have to become to get through this. 1460 01:21:21,560 --> 01:21:24,160 Speaker 1: What I'm going to have to learn, The way I'm 1461 01:21:24,200 --> 01:21:25,920 Speaker 1: going to have to get comfortable even just to get 1462 01:21:26,000 --> 01:21:31,840 Speaker 1: through a weekend right now on my own is it 1463 01:21:32,200 --> 01:21:36,200 Speaker 1: is going to be this unbelievable feat and to get 1464 01:21:36,320 --> 01:21:39,240 Speaker 1: comfortable in my own company and to sit in this pain, 1465 01:21:39,439 --> 01:21:43,840 Speaker 1: and there are such profound benefits from that. What if 1466 01:21:44,120 --> 01:21:47,040 Speaker 1: I did actually look at those benefits and say they're 1467 01:21:47,160 --> 01:21:51,280 Speaker 1: so powerful that I'm going to choose this pain so 1468 01:21:51,439 --> 01:21:54,800 Speaker 1: that I can experience those benefits, and so you turn 1469 01:21:54,840 --> 01:21:58,040 Speaker 1: yourself from rat B to rat A, and all of 1470 01:21:58,080 --> 01:22:00,280 Speaker 1: a sudden, you're not a victim of that pain any more. 1471 01:22:00,520 --> 01:22:06,080 Speaker 1: You're the beneficiary of these exquisite gifts that you could 1472 01:22:06,160 --> 01:22:11,280 Speaker 1: only get this way, and that only there's one tool 1473 01:22:11,360 --> 01:22:14,439 Speaker 1: I've used to get through some of the worst, worst 1474 01:22:14,520 --> 01:22:17,360 Speaker 1: pain of my life. And then on a practice and 1475 01:22:17,640 --> 01:22:22,400 Speaker 1: on a psychological level, with heartbreak, what I always remind 1476 01:22:22,479 --> 01:22:27,559 Speaker 1: people is that if anyone who doesn't choose you cannot 1477 01:22:27,640 --> 01:22:31,400 Speaker 1: be for you. They if they don't see you like 1478 01:22:31,520 --> 01:22:35,640 Speaker 1: what is a relationship. It's someone sees you, they accept you, 1479 01:22:35,840 --> 01:22:40,479 Speaker 1: and they want that. That's the most beautiful part of 1480 01:22:40,520 --> 01:22:43,960 Speaker 1: a relationship. So if someone doesn't see you and accept 1481 01:22:44,040 --> 01:22:47,840 Speaker 1: you and want what they see, then this relationship is 1482 01:22:47,960 --> 01:22:51,479 Speaker 1: missing the most beautiful part of any relationship. It shouldn't 1483 01:22:51,479 --> 01:22:53,920 Speaker 1: even be you know, it shouldn't be desirable at that 1484 01:22:54,040 --> 01:22:59,080 Speaker 1: stage because it's not. It has failed the fundamental test 1485 01:22:59,160 --> 01:23:01,880 Speaker 1: of what makes a relationlationship worth having. We're not talking 1486 01:23:01,920 --> 01:23:05,080 Speaker 1: about a person who you know, in at least the 1487 01:23:05,160 --> 01:23:07,760 Speaker 1: case I feel, we're talking about the person who was 1488 01:23:07,880 --> 01:23:11,200 Speaker 1: taken from us by life. We're talking about a person 1489 01:23:11,320 --> 01:23:15,799 Speaker 1: who's just walking around somewhere, still existing on the planet, 1490 01:23:16,200 --> 01:23:20,479 Speaker 1: but choosing not to be with us. That should lose 1491 01:23:20,560 --> 01:23:24,639 Speaker 1: its romance to us, you know, and to say, well, 1492 01:23:24,760 --> 01:23:27,519 Speaker 1: if that's the other game we play is if it 1493 01:23:27,600 --> 01:23:29,519 Speaker 1: was a different time in life, if they were a 1494 01:23:29,560 --> 01:23:32,000 Speaker 1: bit older, they would have been ready to commit, If 1495 01:23:32,320 --> 01:23:34,240 Speaker 1: they had been in a different phase where they weren't 1496 01:23:34,240 --> 01:23:35,880 Speaker 1: so busy with their work, they might have had the 1497 01:23:35,920 --> 01:23:38,920 Speaker 1: space to really give to this relationship. But they said 1498 01:23:38,920 --> 01:23:41,800 Speaker 1: their work isn't allowing them to. If it's like, we 1499 01:23:41,960 --> 01:23:47,040 Speaker 1: go through all these scenarios where it forces us into 1500 01:23:47,120 --> 01:23:51,439 Speaker 1: this sad love song of right person, wrong time, and 1501 01:23:52,160 --> 01:23:58,600 Speaker 1: that's a really like pernicious story. That's a very dangerous 1502 01:23:58,640 --> 01:24:04,040 Speaker 1: story because it takes what belongs in the realm of 1503 01:24:04,160 --> 01:24:09,760 Speaker 1: science fiction and brings it into our reality. Like when 1504 01:24:09,800 --> 01:24:12,040 Speaker 1: we're thinking about an X from like five years ago 1505 01:24:12,920 --> 01:24:14,559 Speaker 1: and we're like, I miss them. I don't know why, 1506 01:24:14,800 --> 01:24:16,960 Speaker 1: you know, you don't even know who they are anymore. 1507 01:24:18,160 --> 01:24:20,760 Speaker 1: That was five years ago. They're a different person now 1508 01:24:20,840 --> 01:24:22,599 Speaker 1: in many ways. You're a different person now. In anyway 1509 01:24:22,640 --> 01:24:25,040 Speaker 1: if you've got together now, you'd be getting together as 1510 01:24:25,080 --> 01:24:29,280 Speaker 1: different people you miss. A ghost person doesn't exist anymore 1511 01:24:29,320 --> 01:24:31,439 Speaker 1: in the way that you think they do. You know, 1512 01:24:31,600 --> 01:24:33,800 Speaker 1: and when you're saying, oh, if only we met five 1513 01:24:33,880 --> 01:24:37,759 Speaker 1: years from now, it would have worked in what parallel universe? 1514 01:24:38,000 --> 01:24:41,479 Speaker 1: It's a this is science fiction like, it's not. It 1515 01:24:41,520 --> 01:24:45,600 Speaker 1: didn't happen in this universe. So it's it's like it 1516 01:24:45,760 --> 01:24:51,479 Speaker 1: is wishing for a parallel universe where everything all the 1517 01:24:51,560 --> 01:24:54,799 Speaker 1: Domino's unfolded in a different way. It's not this universe. 1518 01:24:55,600 --> 01:24:58,760 Speaker 1: So we just we have to get out of this 1519 01:24:59,680 --> 01:25:05,320 Speaker 1: mind because it gets us bought into a science fiction 1520 01:25:05,560 --> 01:25:08,479 Speaker 1: story that doesn't really exist. I don't believe in the 1521 01:25:08,560 --> 01:25:12,240 Speaker 1: right person at the wrong time. It's the right person 1522 01:25:12,600 --> 01:25:19,080 Speaker 1: is right in their personality, they're ready, and their life 1523 01:25:19,160 --> 01:25:22,320 Speaker 1: is compatible with yours. If you're missing one of those 1524 01:25:22,400 --> 01:25:25,519 Speaker 1: three things, then it's not the right person. The right 1525 01:25:25,600 --> 01:25:27,320 Speaker 1: person has to be more than someone who you have 1526 01:25:27,360 --> 01:25:29,720 Speaker 1: a great time with and you like who they are 1527 01:25:29,840 --> 01:25:33,720 Speaker 1: and have great conversation and and and great intimacy. That 1528 01:25:33,880 --> 01:25:36,920 Speaker 1: can't That's not the only criteria for someone who's right. 1529 01:25:37,240 --> 01:25:40,360 Speaker 1: So we have to stop telling ourself the story that 1530 01:25:40,600 --> 01:25:43,560 Speaker 1: someone who you know broke up with us, or it 1531 01:25:43,640 --> 01:25:46,960 Speaker 1: was bad timing or whatever. Is the right person for us. 1532 01:25:47,200 --> 01:25:50,280 Speaker 1: That is a that is just a story. It is 1533 01:25:50,479 --> 01:25:54,840 Speaker 1: not reality. The right person is the person it happens. 1534 01:25:54,520 --> 01:25:58,400 Speaker 2: With Matthew Asi books called Love Life. That was that 1535 01:25:58,560 --> 01:26:01,760 Speaker 2: hit right there, man, that have resonated so deeply. If 1536 01:26:01,800 --> 01:26:04,519 Speaker 2: you haven't already gone and ordered this while you're listening 1537 01:26:04,640 --> 01:26:07,320 Speaker 2: or watching, please please please go and grab this book. 1538 01:26:07,360 --> 01:26:11,280 Speaker 2: As you can tell, Matthew's just woven beautifully his own experiences, 1539 01:26:11,320 --> 01:26:15,840 Speaker 2: his own challenges, mixed with insights, lessons, research, practical steps. 1540 01:26:15,880 --> 01:26:17,040 Speaker 3: I mean, it's all in the book. 1541 01:26:17,640 --> 01:26:19,880 Speaker 2: And today we've just given you a little tip of 1542 01:26:19,920 --> 01:26:23,000 Speaker 2: the iceberg of And this was genuinely just a real 1543 01:26:23,080 --> 01:26:25,240 Speaker 2: conversation of me and Matthew going back and forth, which 1544 01:26:25,280 --> 01:26:27,920 Speaker 2: we need to do a lot more of, but just 1545 01:26:28,000 --> 01:26:30,439 Speaker 2: sitting here with you today, Matthew, I've gained so much, 1546 01:26:31,560 --> 01:26:34,479 Speaker 2: so much, honestly, and as someone who's written a book 1547 01:26:34,479 --> 01:26:35,840 Speaker 2: about love too, there was so much today that I 1548 01:26:35,880 --> 01:26:38,160 Speaker 2: feel like we uncovered and unpacked, and so I can't 1549 01:26:38,240 --> 01:26:41,000 Speaker 2: wait for people to dive into Love Life, how to 1550 01:26:41,120 --> 01:26:43,760 Speaker 2: raise your standards, find your person, and live happily no 1551 01:26:43,920 --> 01:26:46,719 Speaker 2: matter what. Grab your copy now, Matthew. Thank you again 1552 01:26:47,439 --> 01:26:50,519 Speaker 2: everyone who's been listening to watching, share and tag your 1553 01:26:50,640 --> 01:26:53,559 Speaker 2: greatest insights with me and Matthew on Instagram on TikTok. 1554 01:26:53,560 --> 01:26:55,599 Speaker 2: I know you guys are cutting up all these amazing clips. 1555 01:26:55,920 --> 01:26:56,559 Speaker 3: Keep them coming. 1556 01:26:56,680 --> 01:26:59,240 Speaker 2: Let us know what resonated with you, what you're trying out, 1557 01:26:59,320 --> 01:27:02,160 Speaker 2: what you're practice seeing, what you're implementing, what's working for you, 1558 01:27:02,680 --> 01:27:04,280 Speaker 2: and something that you're struggling with as well. 1559 01:27:04,400 --> 01:27:06,080 Speaker 3: Let us know so that we can. 1560 01:27:06,080 --> 01:27:09,200 Speaker 2: Try to create more conversations and more content that can 1561 01:27:09,280 --> 01:27:10,679 Speaker 2: support you on your journey. 1562 01:27:11,400 --> 01:27:13,439 Speaker 3: Matthew, thank you. Any last words you anything you want 1563 01:27:13,479 --> 01:27:13,720 Speaker 3: to share. 1564 01:27:14,000 --> 01:27:17,240 Speaker 1: No, I would just say if people go to lovelifebook 1565 01:27:17,280 --> 01:27:19,080 Speaker 1: dot com, not only can you get the book there 1566 01:27:19,160 --> 01:27:22,200 Speaker 1: from any retailer you want, but I'm doing an event 1567 01:27:22,280 --> 01:27:25,080 Speaker 1: on May fourth called Find Your Person is designed to 1568 01:27:25,160 --> 01:27:27,000 Speaker 1: be this It's a virtual event, so you could do 1569 01:27:27,040 --> 01:27:28,760 Speaker 1: it from wherever you are in the world, wherever you 1570 01:27:28,800 --> 01:27:31,800 Speaker 1: buy the book from. But we're all going to get 1571 01:27:31,840 --> 01:27:33,800 Speaker 1: together and I'm going to take everything that you learn 1572 01:27:33,840 --> 01:27:36,040 Speaker 1: from the book and apply it to a year plan 1573 01:27:36,240 --> 01:27:39,160 Speaker 1: with you. I love that anyone who is like finding 1574 01:27:39,240 --> 01:27:42,000 Speaker 1: my Person is a real priority for me in my 1575 01:27:42,120 --> 01:27:44,720 Speaker 1: life is what I deeply want. I'm not ashamed of it. 1576 01:27:45,080 --> 01:27:48,040 Speaker 1: I want that for myself. This is going to take 1577 01:27:48,160 --> 01:27:50,639 Speaker 1: all of the knowledge and the awareness and the ideas 1578 01:27:50,720 --> 01:27:53,160 Speaker 1: you have from the book and actually put you on 1579 01:27:53,240 --> 01:27:56,080 Speaker 1: a path in this live event to getting that over 1580 01:27:56,120 --> 01:27:57,000 Speaker 1: the course of the next. 1581 01:27:56,960 --> 01:27:58,640 Speaker 3: Year of our life Love livebook dot Com. 1582 01:27:58,720 --> 01:28:00,519 Speaker 1: Yeah, if you go to Love Lifebook dot you can 1583 01:28:00,560 --> 01:28:02,519 Speaker 1: not only get the book, you can use your receipt 1584 01:28:02,600 --> 01:28:05,040 Speaker 1: from the book to get a free ticket to this event. 1585 01:28:05,120 --> 01:28:07,439 Speaker 1: It's not a you know, it's not a paid for event. 1586 01:28:07,560 --> 01:28:10,000 Speaker 1: No one can come just by buying their way onto it. 1587 01:28:10,040 --> 01:28:12,639 Speaker 1: It's literally something that's just reserved for everyone who's getting 1588 01:28:12,640 --> 01:28:13,360 Speaker 1: a copy of the book. 1589 01:28:13,439 --> 01:28:15,639 Speaker 3: I love that. That's a beautiful idea. Man. Well, yeah, 1590 01:28:15,680 --> 01:28:17,680 Speaker 3: lovelifebook dot com everyone, that's the place to go. 1591 01:28:18,000 --> 01:28:20,439 Speaker 2: If you love this episode, you're going to love my 1592 01:28:20,600 --> 01:28:23,960 Speaker 2: conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your 1593 01:28:24,040 --> 01:28:27,000 Speaker 2: ex and find true love in your relationships. 1594 01:28:27,200 --> 01:28:31,440 Speaker 1: People should be compassionate to themselves that extend that compassion 1595 01:28:31,600 --> 01:28:35,640 Speaker 1: to your future self, because truly extending your compassion to 1596 01:28:35,680 --> 01:28:38,680 Speaker 1: your future self is doing something that gives him or 1597 01:28:38,760 --> 01:28:41,080 Speaker 1: her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life.