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Speaker 1: Conversations on life, style, beauty, and relationships. It's the Velvet's

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Speaker 1: Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson. I am thrilled to be here.

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Speaker 1: I'm Caroline Hobby and I am stepping in for Kelly

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Speaker 1: while she's on a break. I am so thrilled that

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Speaker 1: she asked me to host her podcast, Velvet's Edge, that

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Speaker 1: I wanted to bring a very special guest on Kirby Miller,

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Speaker 1: who is so deep, so insightful. You have lived so

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Speaker 1: much life, joy, pain, You have found your passion, but

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Speaker 1: you have lived a life of just walking through it

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Speaker 1: all like we all have, and you share that and

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Speaker 1: I think that that is so amazing. And the topic

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Speaker 1: that I want to cover today with you is duality.

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Speaker 1: How do you say that? Dual? Duality? Duality? Reality? So

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Speaker 1: Kirby is joining me today and we're just gonna have

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Speaker 1: a real honest conversation about this life that we live

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Speaker 1: because because it's so good and then it's so hard

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Speaker 1: and parallel and parallel. Yeah, Like I walked in today

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Speaker 1: like I'm just having a day, and I walked in

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Speaker 1: to day crying to you because I literally can't handle

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Speaker 1: it today, Like I can't handle They need to keep

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Speaker 1: up with social media today. I can't handle the need

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Speaker 1: that everyone has to share everything about their life. I

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Speaker 1: can't handle that. Like, we just live in this world

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Speaker 1: of just so fast paced and it feels so like

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Speaker 1: soulless sometimes, but it's the world we live in and

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Speaker 1: we just are in it. But then we've got to

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Speaker 1: use our life to spread goodness. But sometimes it's like

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Speaker 1: it's just this life is so hard and exhausting and

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Speaker 1: build so much pain and trauma. Is the feeling that

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Speaker 1: really does come up. Well, I am thrilled and honored

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Speaker 1: to be sitting here with you. And there are no

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Speaker 1: mistakes even through it all, even through everything that you

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Speaker 1: mentioned about my life, I know there are no mistakes

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Speaker 1: because you've had a lot, There's been a lot happening.

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Speaker 1: But what you're saying about the complexity, sometimes life feels

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Speaker 1: so overwhelmed and complex and it's almost as though our

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Speaker 1: design craves simplicity, but we strive for complexity. How about that?

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Speaker 1: I break that down? So let me just ask you

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Speaker 1: if you could name right now the top three things

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Speaker 1: that you desire? Just what are three things that you desire? Peace, love,

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Speaker 1: and contentment for everyone on this earth? Yeah? That one

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Speaker 1: gets a little sticky and tricky, but its core seems

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Speaker 1: pretty simple. Right. But we are really good at seeking

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Speaker 1: out things that require versions of ourselves that don't feel natural,

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Speaker 1: that don't feel natural, and that's where we can live

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Speaker 1: in opposition to ourselves. So when we talk about navigating

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Speaker 1: this life with all of the things that we are

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Speaker 1: responsible for, the things that we're striving for, and then

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Speaker 1: let's pepper in some curveballs, the good ones, the bad ones,

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Speaker 1: how do we do it? And how do we do

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Speaker 1: it well? Uh? And I believe we do it well

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Speaker 1: by being authentic, by being graceful, and also by having

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Speaker 1: a really clear vision for our lives so that we

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Speaker 1: have a true north in those hard times because we're

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Speaker 1: gonna have them. I call those my in the closet moments.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes I'm very literally in the closet, like sitting in

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Speaker 1: the closic closet. You know, we're wind back three weeks ago.

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Speaker 1: You would have found me in there. You were, oh yeah, crying.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, there's some tears. Um. I also like to

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Speaker 1: have a little conference with tears in my car sometimes,

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Speaker 1: ever do that. Oh, I was crying the way over here.

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Speaker 1: I literally was driving over here and I was telling you,

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Speaker 1: like her, I promise you like a not like wanting

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Speaker 1: to check out of this life or anything. But I

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Speaker 1: was driving over here just thinking like I just can't

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Speaker 1: stand it. I can't stand the cycle, Like I can't

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Speaker 1: stand the cycle that we're in, Like yes, and I

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Speaker 1: was just like crying. I'm like, why do I have

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Speaker 1: to live in this cycle that we're in? With everything?

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Speaker 1: It's just like trauma in the world, and everything is

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Speaker 1: on social media and like one bad thing after the

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Speaker 1: other after the other after the other, and I'm like

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Speaker 1: lost in it. It's too much. It's consuming, it's consuming.

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Speaker 1: It can almost be like Quicksand, which on a funny note,

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Speaker 1: I don't know about you, but like the shows we

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Speaker 1: watched in the eighties and nineties, because I think we're

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Speaker 1: around the same age, they had us much more worried

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Speaker 1: about Quicksand than we should have been. Remember there's like

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Speaker 1: always a scene where someone got lost in Quicksand. I

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Speaker 1: have this book. It's a bathroom book, and it's called

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Speaker 1: Worst Case How to Survive Worst Case Scenarios, And I

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Speaker 1: was reading it the other day while I was sitting

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Speaker 1: on the toilet, and one of them is like how

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Speaker 1: to survive cricksand And it's actually just so if you

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Speaker 1: ever get in quicksand, you need to get on your back,

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Speaker 1: float parallel horizontal on your back, and try to find

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Speaker 1: a stick and lay on it, because then you will

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Speaker 1: stay bullianty I in case you ever do get in quicksands, Okay,

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Speaker 1: you just guess ever find myself in that condition. So

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Speaker 1: while that's funny, let's talk about that because I don't know,

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Speaker 1: and hopefully those of you listening you're kind of getting

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Speaker 1: a chuckle out of that, because it just seemed like

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Speaker 1: every sitcom had like a scene with quicksand. So while

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Speaker 1: we may not physically find ourselves in quicksand every day,

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Speaker 1: I I honestly believe you know, because I'll take something

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Speaker 1: and go real deep on it in a minute, because

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Speaker 1: I believe everything has a lesson. I believe perhaps that

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Speaker 1: was a foreshadowing of our adult life because we may

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Speaker 1: not be in physical quicksand, but we surely will find

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Speaker 1: ourselves an emotional and spiritual quicksand. And that's what you're describing,

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Speaker 1: much like what you talked about the chaos quicksand you

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Speaker 1: find yourself in it and you can't quickly get out

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Speaker 1: and you can sink and drown quickly, too very quickly,

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Speaker 1: And then what precipitates that struggle, fighting pains, what actually

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Speaker 1: makes it worse. So what you just described in that

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Speaker 1: bathroom book kind like that. I think there's some lessons

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Speaker 1: in that. Don't be back to get on your back,

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Speaker 1: look up, look up, find something stable, get like, stop moving,

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Speaker 1: be still, be still. Just a good book that kind

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Speaker 1: of told us that too, be still and just know.

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Speaker 1: So I think when we have these times, we have

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Speaker 1: to go back to some of the basics, and that

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Speaker 1: doesn't mean that we don't acknowledge what's happening. That's one

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Speaker 1: of the most toxic things that you can do to

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Speaker 1: yourself and people that you love. So if you're listening

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Speaker 1: to this, especially being someone who's navigated a lot of

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Speaker 1: grief in my life, don't turn a blind eye to

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Speaker 1: someone's grief or what they're going through. You may not

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Speaker 1: have the solution. More than likely you won't have the solution.

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Speaker 1: But one of the most powerful things that you can

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Speaker 1: do is be with someone in their pain and look

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Speaker 1: them in the eye and say I'm here with you,

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Speaker 1: I see you. I can't fix it, but you're not

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Speaker 1: alone and I believe that's why the feeling that you're

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Speaker 1: describing is so intense for you, because you're that person.

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Speaker 1: You're that kind of person, and that's one of the

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Speaker 1: most beautiful and valuable types of people. So exhausting, and

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Speaker 1: I just I just feel so heartbroken for this world

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Speaker 1: that we live in because there's just so much pain.

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Speaker 1: And that's the duality. Like there's hot, there's cool, there's black,

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Speaker 1: there's white, there's trauma, there's joy, there's like the heartache,

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Speaker 1: there's miracles, like we're talking about, there's all the things,

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Speaker 1: and it's like, yes, you can have this extreme joy

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Speaker 1: and all these amazing things happened. But then right on

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Speaker 1: the flip side, the complete opposite is right there. And

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Speaker 1: I just can't get over the two sides of the coin,

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Speaker 1: Like I can't just live on the joy side because

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Speaker 1: the sad side is always there, and someone is always

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Speaker 1: feeling something traumatic and sad in the same moment that

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Speaker 1: you're having. Perhaps the most blissful thing happened to you

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Speaker 1: in the same moment, So you've had some big trauma.

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Speaker 1: Talk to me about some of the things, because you're

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Speaker 1: so open and willing to share your journey. Open book

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Speaker 1: because I do believe that um, when we take the

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Speaker 1: time to acknowledge and process our own issues and trauma,

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Speaker 1: we can really provide a roadmap to other people. Again,

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Speaker 1: that's not a solution, but it's just here's what's worked.

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Speaker 1: And I believe that is how we can be the

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Speaker 1: highest version of ourselves. And that's an act of service,

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Speaker 1: is being transparent and real about what's happening, because you

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Speaker 1: have no idea how what you share just even hopefully

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Speaker 1: people listening to ES today could potentially be a lifeline

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Speaker 1: or have just a word that someone needed. So I

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Speaker 1: have navigated in a space that, for lack of a

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Speaker 1: more eloquent way of saying it, because it we'll get

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Speaker 1: real today, get Real on velvets Edge Listening. I do

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Speaker 1: host a podcast called Get Real with Caroline Hobby. I

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Speaker 1: don't know if I sai that in the beginning, you

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Speaker 1: did and we loved and I love to share very real,

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Speaker 1: real story. So we're bringing some get real to Velvety.

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Speaker 1: So I'm gonna give a cliffs notes version. And this

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Speaker 1: is by no means dishonoring trauma. But we can't be

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Speaker 1: here three days, so I'm going to give a cliff

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Speaker 1: Notes version, but just to highlight some of the concepts

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Speaker 1: that we've just talked about. So they say, your birth

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Speaker 1: story is really important and shapes you right like how

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Speaker 1: you were boy, you were born, kind of the context

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Speaker 1: in which you came into this world shapes you well.

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Speaker 1: From a very early age, I learned kind of about

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Speaker 1: my traumatic injury into this world. I was born at

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Speaker 1: twenty six weeks. You were one pound nine ounces, and

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Speaker 1: when my mom went to the hospital, they said, we're

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Speaker 1: so sorry, you're not going to go home with this baby. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and if you do, she's going to be blind. My

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Speaker 1: learning disabilities have trouble. So that's the context in which

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Speaker 1: I grew up in that birth story. And then fast

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Speaker 1: forward to a family environment. Many of us have these

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Speaker 1: that look one way on the outside, but on insider

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Speaker 1: a bit chaotic that was not different for our lives.

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Speaker 1: And then when I was about two years old, my

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Speaker 1: brother who was thirteen, went to a church camp um

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Speaker 1: and didn't come home. What do you mean He drowned

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Speaker 1: at that camp and that sent a ripple effect through

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Speaker 1: our family and drowned at the camp. Yeah, And so

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Speaker 1: my um I shared this for the foundation of trauma

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Speaker 1: that you're talking about and so, um, now that I'm

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Speaker 1: an adult and I see what my mom had to navigate.

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Speaker 1: Your dad a part of your life he was, yeah,

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Speaker 1: so and the crazy thing about that my dad was

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Speaker 1: supposed to be on that trip and he wasn't. And

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Speaker 1: so that just it shatters the family. Did it tear

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Speaker 1: your family apart? Uh? Internally but externally? You know, we

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Speaker 1: don't leave our families. Did your parents stay together? They

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Speaker 1: did stay together. And my mom uh often said the

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Speaker 1: other children would have been fine. I knew that I

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Speaker 1: had to take care of you. Otherwise I would have

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Speaker 1: crawled in the casket with him. Thank you, Kirby, because

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Speaker 1: I was a baby, and you know you were to

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Speaker 1: be I was too, but you were fragile. How many

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Speaker 1: other siblings do you have? So I have two sisters

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Speaker 1: and a brother. I had the older brother. So that's

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Speaker 1: the that's a childhood context. And then we fast forward

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Speaker 1: under the shadow of that, um, the loss of you know,

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Speaker 1: being able to just be free and innocent as a kid,

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Speaker 1: because there's just always this knowing that bad things can happen.

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Speaker 1: So that I'm bringing that up, your innocential has taken

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Speaker 1: because from the beginning of your life like you said,

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Speaker 1: your birth story and then knowing that the worst thing

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Speaker 1: can happen in your life happened, has already happened, has

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Speaker 1: already happened. So you can't fake that this world is

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Speaker 1: great and all these you already know it's bad. You

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Speaker 1: have a real example, and I'm gonna take you on

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Speaker 1: a short trip. Go with me, hang in there with me.

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Speaker 1: This is not to uh sit in in the trauma

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Speaker 1: of it, but I'm gonna take you on a trip

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Speaker 1: that's going to bring you to us to today and

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Speaker 1: how I manage some of these things and kind of

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Speaker 1: this is a good way to give an underpinning because

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Speaker 1: people if they follow me on social media, which I

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Speaker 1: hope that you Dokay, everyone tell us where you are.

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Speaker 1: So I'm at Kenemi Kitchen on Instagram and spell that

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Speaker 1: kay I in I and then am I. It's for

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Speaker 1: Kirby Nicole Miller. So if you're like, what did she say?

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Speaker 1: Just think the first two letters of Kirby Nicole Miller.

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Speaker 1: So Kenemi Kitchen, and you have an amazing chef. You've

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Speaker 1: gone to like Italy and lived in a house and

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Speaker 1: like cooked for people and done all these experiences life

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Speaker 1: has given you a lot of joy as you open

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Speaker 1: yourself up to joy. Turned myself up to joy only

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Speaker 1: through a process though you have. You are a walking

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Speaker 1: example of dual outing, living and duell and having that

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Speaker 1: to reconcile. Exactly what I believe you're wrestling with right now,

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Speaker 1: and it's that being able to be present and open

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Speaker 1: yourself up to joy authentically without feeling like that other

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Speaker 1: she was going to drop because you have a knowing

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Speaker 1: that it will, and it's hard, it's challenging, it's that's

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Speaker 1: a battle every day because you know. Then for me,

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Speaker 1: I lost my biological dad at TIN, so we fast

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Speaker 1: forward to losing him dramatically at Tin. How did you

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Speaker 1: lose your dad to medical malpractice? Yeah, he sent me

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Speaker 1: to school one day and um, he was on dalysis,

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Speaker 1: was on the list for kidney transplant, was all planned

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Speaker 1: and the machine malfunctioned and he didn't come He didn't

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Speaker 1: come home. Curry. Yeah. So when people see the happy

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Speaker 1: food and they see me on TV and they see

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Speaker 1: me traveling, I want to provide context. So then you

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Speaker 1: have a mother who had her own childhood trauma, lost

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Speaker 1: his son, lost her husband, and then let's pepper in

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Speaker 1: the fact that she's a black female homicide detective, so

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Speaker 1: she sees this every day and brings that home and

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Speaker 1: she's homicide detective. On top of this, she's carrying. So

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Speaker 1: when we talked about carry, yeah, and then how how

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Speaker 1: do you make it through? You face it, you seek

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Speaker 1: out resources, you find what works for you as far

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Speaker 1: as release, you don't bottle it in. And then there's

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Speaker 1: a certain piece that you have to make with the

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Speaker 1: law of this life. And I'll tell you what I

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Speaker 1: mean by that. I am there because I can't make

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Speaker 1: that piece. Like I haven't gone through stuff that you've

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Speaker 1: gone through at all, but I can't accept it that

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Speaker 1: we have to make peace with this. I hate it,

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Speaker 1: and it's good to express that. And I'm not here

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Speaker 1: to try to convince you or otherwise. But I am

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Speaker 1: here to say that we didn't made a mistake and

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Speaker 1: I'm here to walk that journey with you. You may

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Speaker 1: not accept it today, And acceptance doesn't mean blind I

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Speaker 1: it's just knowing that there is a law to this

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Speaker 1: life that we were born into. It's just it's it's

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Speaker 1: the truth of this context that we're in. And once

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Speaker 1: I accepted that, I was able to open myself up

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Speaker 1: more because I went through so many years, so many

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Speaker 1: years on autopilot, having that traumatic type of childhood. If

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Speaker 1: you do have done any research in asis or adverse

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Speaker 1: childhood events, that can actually manifest itself in a variety

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Speaker 1: of different ways. Mine was autopilot and perfectionism. So I

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Speaker 1: was in that zone for so long, but on the

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Speaker 1: journey of healing alongside my corporate career that I was

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Speaker 1: building because that's responsible and that's what you do to

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Speaker 1: take care of yourself. And your mom was she how

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Speaker 1: did she get did she go into autopilot? Like? How

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Speaker 1: did she continue on? Not well? Yeah? Not well? And

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Speaker 1: that three girls on her own, h yes, and it

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Speaker 1: was she did not deal with it well, which then

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Speaker 1: led to me deciding that as soon as as I can,

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Speaker 1: I'm leaving, leaving, getting out, leaving, getting out. My dad

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Speaker 1: was my person, and I remember thinking, how could you

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Speaker 1: leave me? How could you leave me? And as soon

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Speaker 1: as I make how could you leave me? As a

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Speaker 1: tender what I mean, what a feeling to have your

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Speaker 1: person who's your rock for this life leave you at ten?

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Speaker 1: It's not fair. It's not fair, And let's say that

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Speaker 1: that's law too. I was not I was telling you earlier,

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Speaker 1: you gonna tell us the law of life. Yeah, well

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Speaker 1: we're gonna talk a little bit about it. I'm still

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Speaker 1: it's still the story is still being written, and you

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Speaker 1: and I are going to be on the journey together.

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Speaker 1: And everyone listening to this, we're now on this journey together. Um,

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Speaker 1: it is unfair, and we can call it what it is.

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Speaker 1: It's not fair. I got a running list for God

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Speaker 1: as I was telling you, like, this is not fair.

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Speaker 1: This may be law, but this is not fair. He said.

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Speaker 1: She had a list for God. What don't you finally meet?

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Speaker 1: So she's gonna go through this list, Like, listen, can

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Speaker 1: I just pull you to the side for a minute.

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Speaker 1: I got a questions for God. I like that. And

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Speaker 1: I am actually working a book that doesn't have a title,

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Speaker 1: So boom you needed. Something might be born here, but

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Speaker 1: I will I'll ask forward a bit because I want

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Speaker 1: to get to kind of what we're talking here. So

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Speaker 1: I was on autopilot. I was building this career in

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Speaker 1: health care and healthcare technology, very passionate about helping people,

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Speaker 1: being a part of the solution. What lights me up

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Speaker 1: the most, and my gifting is connecting people authentically and

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Speaker 1: that takes place in a variety different ways, and food

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Speaker 1: being one of them. I started cooking when I was five,

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Speaker 1: and that was one of the safe places with my

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Speaker 1: mom in the kitchen. She's phenomenal cook and baker. So

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Speaker 1: I would revisit that ability to connect people and talk

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Speaker 1: with them and people open up to me. I would

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Speaker 1: just kind of revisit it alongside pursuing my career and

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Speaker 1: my degrees in biology and chemistry and informatics because that's responsible.

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Speaker 1: I was just kind of dabbling in the things that

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Speaker 1: gave me light and that I saw light up other people.

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Speaker 1: But all my journey to healing, I asked myself, would

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Speaker 1: I be okay if I reached the end of my

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Speaker 1: life whenever that may be, if I didn't give real attention,

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Speaker 1: life and honor to what I felt inside was my gift.

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Speaker 1: And the answer was no. So out of that was

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Speaker 1: a more formal birth, if you will, of Kenemi Kitchen,

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Speaker 1: a lifestyle brand that grows into other aspects and that

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Speaker 1: has taken me on a really cool journey. And so

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Speaker 1: it was like when I leaned into that, opportunities started

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Speaker 1: to open and there's like a lot of trust though

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Speaker 1: when it comes to leaning into what you feel like

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Speaker 1: your purposes and trust is not easy for me. And

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Speaker 1: I feel like it was that hard because you're now

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Speaker 1: kind of on your own. I'm sure you're dealing with

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Speaker 1: all sorts of trauma, emotional abandonment, like feelings of pay

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Speaker 1: them and I'm not trying to put work. But and

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Speaker 1: then you probably feel like you need to have stability,

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Speaker 1: because that's why you went to corporate world. You don't

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Speaker 1: necessarily you know that life is awful and terrible too,

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Speaker 1: because you've had these awful things happen. But then you

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Speaker 1: decided to take the leap to lean into your passion.

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Speaker 1: I mean, that's like a ballsy move. Well let's give

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Speaker 1: it ballsy light. Because I built that alongside my corporate career,

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Speaker 1: which is also really smart to do that. And I

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Speaker 1: all these things that I was reading I was trying

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Speaker 1: to apply in real life, like when you lean into

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Speaker 1: what you're gifted and life opens up. So I was like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: let's try it. And I saw that start to be true,

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Speaker 1: but then I would hit these barriers where it's like

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Speaker 1: I feel too happy or I feel too excited. There

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Speaker 1: wasn't a guilt, there was a there was a trigger.

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Speaker 1: There's a trauma response that if I feel too happy

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Speaker 1: like that almost calls in doom. Like, once you're in this, yes,

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Speaker 1: then something is coming, worrying, it's coming, and it's going

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Speaker 1: to be exactly the same level of joy for the doom.

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Speaker 1: And then let's make it worse. Let's make it worse,

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Speaker 1: then we tell ourselves, is what I told myself, And

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Speaker 1: on really hard days, I still fall into this pattern

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Speaker 1: that the level of di spare that I'm going to

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Speaker 1: feel is because I let myself feel too happy, and

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Speaker 1: so if it now you don't let yourself feel joy, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: let's just comb out, let's just autopilot. Gosh, that makes

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Speaker 1: so much sense, because if you actually give in to

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Speaker 1: the joy and feel it, you're just setting yourself up,

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Speaker 1: setting you some massive heartbreak on the other side. But

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Speaker 1: the truth is if you don't, you're setting yourself up

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Speaker 1: for a really unfulfilled life. And I can say that

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Speaker 1: even being on the having a confirming experience with this.

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Speaker 1: So I kind of was playing small and the traction

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Speaker 1: for the brand was growing organically, which is was exciting

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Speaker 1: and terrifying all at the same time, because you're like, oh, gosh,

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Speaker 1: on my purpose and feeling good. I'm feeling joy here

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Speaker 1: coming together, But here comes the doom. That's right, here

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Speaker 1: comes the doom. But then I was like seeing all

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Speaker 1: these glimmers and this is going to be really so

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Speaker 1: if you're listening to this, hoping, hoping that you're like

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Speaker 1: I feel it coming, this is going to turn into

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Speaker 1: a beautiful story. They're gonna be bunnies and rainbows and

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Speaker 1: lepre cons. Just turned the podcast off now because that's

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Speaker 1: not where we're at it. But it's real, and I

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Speaker 1: hope that it helps you, and I hope it helps

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Speaker 1: me to tell it, and I hope it helps people

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Speaker 1: who are listening. I was dabbling in the brand. On

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Speaker 1: the side. I was in a very complex informatics project

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Speaker 1: for a major medical center here and I don't even

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Speaker 1: know what that means. You're so smart, what does that

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Speaker 1: even mean? So informatics really is the intersection of people

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Speaker 1: and technology. Well, we'll put it at that level. So

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Speaker 1: I was involved in a huge software project for Vanderbilt,

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Speaker 1: was recruited to do that, and it was very stressful

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Speaker 1: around the clock, and I was still building this brand

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Speaker 1: because that was kind of my lifeline. Well, it started

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Speaker 1: growing and I started getting more traction, and I got excited.

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Speaker 1: And again, I am telling this story because life does

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Speaker 1: not give you just one limit and then you make

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Speaker 1: a cute glass of mind. There can be more, but

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Speaker 1: I know that you can get through it. So I'm

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Speaker 1: excited about the traction. I'm triggered by the traction. I'm

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Speaker 1: like leaning into it and then shying away from it.

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Speaker 1: So fast forward to a number of really beautiful opportunities

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Speaker 1: started to present themselves, and I said, Okay, I am

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Speaker 1: going to like, I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna enjoy it.

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna enjoy this. I'm gonna go into nineteen full on,

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Speaker 1: open heart. Let's get it. So it's a big decision

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Speaker 1: for you, a big decision. We're doing this. And so

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Speaker 1: on New Year's Eve, I was like amped up. Okay,

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Speaker 1: I still was going into work. I went into work

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Speaker 1: on that morning so excited because nobody was going to

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Speaker 1: be there. Everybody's the take off. I was going to

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Speaker 1: do my work and then I was going to bring

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Speaker 1: in the new year. Look at this, and again, this

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Speaker 1: is real and we can do this and we can

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Speaker 1: handle this. I was going to bring in the New year,

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Speaker 1: spread on my desk, at work. I had all these

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Speaker 1: really cool email some opportunities and things I was going

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Speaker 1: to allow myself to dream. I bought a new planner stickers. No,

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Speaker 1: I'm not four years old, but we all like some

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Speaker 1: good slicker to do some stuff. I'm sitting at my desk.

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Speaker 1: I talked to my mom that morning, and then I

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Speaker 1: get a phone call on my cell phone from her.

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Speaker 1: A text her back, and I said, Hey, I'm at work.

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Speaker 1: Does anybody else's mom like call him at work? And

426
00:23:19,840 --> 00:23:22,199
Speaker 1: they're like, hey, what are you doing? I'm working? And

427
00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:23,720
Speaker 1: so I text her and said I'm at work. She

428
00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:25,840
Speaker 1: called again, A text her back and said, hey, I'm

429
00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:28,400
Speaker 1: at work. Can I call you back later? The phone

430
00:23:28,480 --> 00:23:32,359
Speaker 1: rings the third time, and we've all had those moments

431
00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:36,080
Speaker 1: in life, perhaps not all the same, but we're Something

432
00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:40,280
Speaker 1: tells you it's about to change your stomach disses, yeah, drop.

433
00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:42,480
Speaker 1: So I picked up the phone, and given that background

434
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:44,760
Speaker 1: that I shared with you, I'm no stranger to having

435
00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:47,439
Speaker 1: to turn it on. And here you go again. You

436
00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:52,040
Speaker 1: finally decided to let the joy in, to let your

437
00:23:52,119 --> 00:23:55,719
Speaker 1: passion in. You knew the doom was going to come,

438
00:23:55,760 --> 00:23:59,080
Speaker 1: but you said, no, I'm turning I'm blocking that. I

439
00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:02,800
Speaker 1: refused to believe that I'm taking the risk, I'm being vulnerable.

440
00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:04,199
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. And I

441
00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:07,320
Speaker 1: was doing it, and I picked up the phone and

442
00:24:07,359 --> 00:24:10,000
Speaker 1: I said, Hey, what's up. And she said, there's been

443
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:14,880
Speaker 1: a really bad accident. My mom says this to me,

444
00:24:15,080 --> 00:24:18,440
Speaker 1: And I said, okay. Given being raised by a homicide

445
00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:20,920
Speaker 1: detective and going through all of the trauma that I'd

446
00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:24,199
Speaker 1: gone through, personally, I'm probably the person you want with

447
00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:27,280
Speaker 1: you when a traumatic thing happens. Especially also working in healthcare,

448
00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:30,959
Speaker 1: there's a switch, step flips and you go into what

449
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:33,320
Speaker 1: are we doing? And so I said, okay, tell me

450
00:24:33,359 --> 00:24:35,960
Speaker 1: where you are. She couldn't tell me. I said, I

451
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:37,760
Speaker 1: need you to hand the phone to someone who can

452
00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:40,520
Speaker 1: tell me where you are. And I, like the two

453
00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:42,480
Speaker 1: co workers who had come into the office at that time,

454
00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:45,159
Speaker 1: heard the change in my voice and turned around and like,

455
00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:48,840
Speaker 1: what's going on. And so the person on the scene

456
00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:50,560
Speaker 1: of the accident told me where they were. And I

457
00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:52,640
Speaker 1: remember I was cute that day. I was gonna bring

458
00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:54,600
Speaker 1: a New Year's Eve like dress good to feel good.

459
00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:57,520
Speaker 1: I was in heels, took off running through Vanderbilt Medical

460
00:24:57,560 --> 00:24:59,359
Speaker 1: Center to get to my car and go to the

461
00:24:59,359 --> 00:25:01,720
Speaker 1: scene that they act sent. So we're going to fast

462
00:25:01,720 --> 00:25:06,760
Speaker 1: forward to UM six hours later. UM in the emergency

463
00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:10,160
Speaker 1: room of the medical center where I work with both

464
00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:14,639
Speaker 1: parents because my mom I gotten remarried to my stepdad,

465
00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:17,240
Speaker 1: who I introduced her to as the whole thing. I'm

466
00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:21,800
Speaker 1: in the emergency room with both of them and within

467
00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:25,720
Speaker 1: the span of in an accident as well. Yeah, he

468
00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:28,560
Speaker 1: was in the car as well. It's just crazy and

469
00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:31,639
Speaker 1: he was not doing well. She was able to respond,

470
00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:34,280
Speaker 1: she called me, she's talking to me. I was able,

471
00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:36,879
Speaker 1: through my relationships there to be like, hey, let's get

472
00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:38,720
Speaker 1: them pulled up. We need to make sure we get

473
00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:42,080
Speaker 1: their scans, because if you're in healthcare, you know there's

474
00:25:42,119 --> 00:25:45,080
Speaker 1: some bottlenecks. And I knew the look on the face

475
00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:48,359
Speaker 1: when they came around the corner was not good. When

476
00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:51,160
Speaker 1: your parents came around the When the provider came around

477
00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:54,760
Speaker 1: the corner after my mom had her brain scanned and

478
00:25:54,800 --> 00:25:58,840
Speaker 1: he said, I'm so sorry, but there's bleeding. Um. She

479
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:01,159
Speaker 1: was on a blood thinner, and I knew with that,

480
00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:02,399
Speaker 1: and I knew the look on his face. So we

481
00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:05,800
Speaker 1: very quickly moved from the emergency room to UM the

482
00:26:05,840 --> 00:26:09,160
Speaker 1: critical care unit, and I couldn't see her for an

483
00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:12,360
Speaker 1: hour in that transition, and I sit with that. Oh,

484
00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:14,359
Speaker 1: I'm a fighter and I fought so many things on

485
00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:17,160
Speaker 1: this journey. I couldn't see her for an hour during

486
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:19,520
Speaker 1: that transition, And when I walked in, she opened her

487
00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:22,800
Speaker 1: eyes and her eyes were full of tears and a

488
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:25,760
Speaker 1: note she'd been talking to me. I said, Mom, are

489
00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:30,440
Speaker 1: you okay? And she said, I don't know. But when

490
00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:32,399
Speaker 1: she said I don't know, her voice was different. And

491
00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:35,960
Speaker 1: having my background and training apology, chemistry, healthcare, that's a

492
00:26:36,040 --> 00:26:39,680
Speaker 1: sign that something is going very, very wrong. It sounded

493
00:26:39,720 --> 00:26:41,920
Speaker 1: almost like you know people who sound like with hearing

494
00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:45,120
Speaker 1: him the monotone a little bit, so, I said toward nurse,

495
00:26:45,119 --> 00:26:48,320
Speaker 1: I said, her status has changed greatly. He says, he said,

496
00:26:48,359 --> 00:26:50,880
Speaker 1: she's answering all my questions. Fine, I said, I am

497
00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:53,360
Speaker 1: telling you, her status has changed. We need to get

498
00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:56,560
Speaker 1: someone in here. They came in, did another scan and

499
00:26:56,600 --> 00:26:58,440
Speaker 1: it was the second time that they said that we're

500
00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:01,160
Speaker 1: so sorry. When they found me, they said we're so sorry.

501
00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:05,640
Speaker 1: But during the process, she began to have an episode.

502
00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:08,359
Speaker 1: I won't go into the details, and we couldn't recover

503
00:27:08,440 --> 00:27:11,879
Speaker 1: her airway and we had to intubate her. So the

504
00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:16,800
Speaker 1: next time I saw my mom, tubes hair shaved. We're

505
00:27:16,840 --> 00:27:19,040
Speaker 1: having to put in a device to remove the pressure

506
00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:21,320
Speaker 1: off of her brain. And that led to her being

507
00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:25,320
Speaker 1: in a coma for over six weeks. And with that,

508
00:27:25,400 --> 00:27:27,520
Speaker 1: when she woke up, she couldn't speak. She had a

509
00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:32,199
Speaker 1: trick of feeding tube paralyzed on her right side. And

510
00:27:32,240 --> 00:27:36,119
Speaker 1: I'm navigating my stepfather being critically injured as well. For

511
00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:40,719
Speaker 1: five months, I slept in a hospital, went on autopilot,

512
00:27:40,760 --> 00:27:42,840
Speaker 1: real good because I had just accepted a new position

513
00:27:42,840 --> 00:27:46,280
Speaker 1: with Vanderbilt, took a shower, would go across campus, run

514
00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:48,399
Speaker 1: a few meetings, and come back and sleep. The stop.

515
00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:58,680
Speaker 1: When I tell you looking for hope and beauty, it's

516
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:02,320
Speaker 1: not easy, but it's possible. It comes from a qualified place.

517
00:28:03,200 --> 00:28:08,639
Speaker 1: My gratitude practice was reborn in the I see you

518
00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:13,000
Speaker 1: because I'm looking walking from bed to bed someone who

519
00:28:13,440 --> 00:28:16,320
Speaker 1: we have had a complicated history. But I can't get

520
00:28:16,359 --> 00:28:19,320
Speaker 1: you to wake up. You won't wake up this person

521
00:28:19,480 --> 00:28:22,560
Speaker 1: who I introduced you into my life as my stepfather.

522
00:28:22,640 --> 00:28:23,840
Speaker 1: I was like, Oh, we're going to have this great

523
00:28:23,840 --> 00:28:28,320
Speaker 1: new chapter, I'm having to answer questions about what your

524
00:28:28,359 --> 00:28:31,480
Speaker 1: final wishes would be. It was at that time that

525
00:28:31,600 --> 00:28:35,000
Speaker 1: everything that I had read and learned about I was like, Okay, God,

526
00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:39,160
Speaker 1: I'm gonna have to lean into this because you've broken

527
00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:44,440
Speaker 1: me down to my my bare ingredients. Any other circumstance

528
00:28:44,520 --> 00:28:47,440
Speaker 1: I can come up with a plan. But I was like,

529
00:28:47,680 --> 00:28:52,360
Speaker 1: I have to dig deep into gratitude and faith. And

530
00:28:52,400 --> 00:28:56,760
Speaker 1: so that's where my gratitude practice was. But isn't the

531
00:28:56,840 --> 00:28:59,680
Speaker 1: last thing you want to do is have gratitude absolute

532
00:28:59,720 --> 00:29:02,240
Speaker 1: last thing I want to do, Like, I'm so mad

533
00:29:02,480 --> 00:29:05,160
Speaker 1: right now for you, Like, this is so not fair

534
00:29:05,400 --> 00:29:09,040
Speaker 1: that you've had to live through so much trauma. I

535
00:29:09,120 --> 00:29:12,880
Speaker 1: agree why and I felt that anger, But ye are

536
00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:17,960
Speaker 1: finding gratitude had to and it felt I started because

537
00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:20,000
Speaker 1: you know, I'd read all these things leading up to it,

538
00:29:20,120 --> 00:29:22,480
Speaker 1: and so it's a true statement. So hopefully those of

539
00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:24,280
Speaker 1: you choose to listen to this podcast and you listen

540
00:29:24,320 --> 00:29:27,040
Speaker 1: to books and all these things, just know you're pouring

541
00:29:27,040 --> 00:29:29,520
Speaker 1: into yourself so that when you're in a situation, those

542
00:29:29,560 --> 00:29:32,000
Speaker 1: things can rise and come up and come out. And

543
00:29:32,040 --> 00:29:34,920
Speaker 1: so for me, I couldn't be an authentic if you

544
00:29:34,920 --> 00:29:36,680
Speaker 1: know me in real life. I'm gonna tell you the truth.

545
00:29:37,080 --> 00:29:41,960
Speaker 1: So I couldn't have an gratitude practice of God, Universe,

546
00:29:42,680 --> 00:29:44,440
Speaker 1: thank you for showing me the way with this trauma.

547
00:29:44,480 --> 00:29:47,600
Speaker 1: I couldn't. I couldn't, but I knew it was important

548
00:29:48,200 --> 00:29:49,680
Speaker 1: and it was one of the hardest things that I

549
00:29:49,680 --> 00:29:53,000
Speaker 1: could do, and so I would three o'clock in the morning,

550
00:29:53,000 --> 00:29:55,600
Speaker 1: you're listening to these machines, I've still got work deadlines.

551
00:29:55,640 --> 00:29:58,960
Speaker 1: Because I'm too much of a crazy person to I

552
00:29:58,960 --> 00:30:02,360
Speaker 1: have relinquished contro role there. I would just start with

553
00:30:02,440 --> 00:30:06,120
Speaker 1: some still, but that was a trauma response. That was

554
00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:07,680
Speaker 1: not the right thing to do. That was a trauma

555
00:30:07,760 --> 00:30:12,800
Speaker 1: response that was a I have to control something. Don't

556
00:30:12,840 --> 00:30:17,560
Speaker 1: recommend that take time, and so I would start with

557
00:30:17,640 --> 00:30:23,440
Speaker 1: things as simple as I'm grateful to be able to

558
00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:29,520
Speaker 1: be here with them during this time. I'm I'm grateful

559
00:30:29,520 --> 00:30:33,360
Speaker 1: that I can be the one. It's an honor. You

560
00:30:33,440 --> 00:30:38,800
Speaker 1: start there, that's ugly, it doesn't feel good. I'm grateful

561
00:30:39,120 --> 00:30:42,720
Speaker 1: that I have the relationships at the best medical center

562
00:30:42,760 --> 00:30:45,400
Speaker 1: in the region, and I built a career here for

563
00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:49,440
Speaker 1: over a decade, so that when this car accident had happened,

564
00:30:49,840 --> 00:30:51,200
Speaker 1: all I had to do is pick up the phone,

565
00:30:51,200 --> 00:30:54,360
Speaker 1: and they were there was a team waiting for them.

566
00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:56,040
Speaker 1: I don't know why this had to happen, but I'm

567
00:30:56,080 --> 00:30:59,760
Speaker 1: grateful that's where it was reborn. And so when people

568
00:30:59,800 --> 00:31:01,960
Speaker 1: see me today and they see Instagram and they see

569
00:31:01,960 --> 00:31:05,280
Speaker 1: the um the positive quotes and things, that comes from

570
00:31:05,320 --> 00:31:09,080
Speaker 1: a real place because it's not over and um just

571
00:31:09,160 --> 00:31:13,200
Speaker 1: too one short month, it will be three years that

572
00:31:13,280 --> 00:31:15,600
Speaker 1: I've been in a primary caregiver role for her. I

573
00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:17,720
Speaker 1: still take care of her. It was with her this morning.

574
00:31:18,400 --> 00:31:21,800
Speaker 1: And so when when we're talking about this and when

575
00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:24,560
Speaker 1: I can seem calm and collected and I'm talking about

576
00:31:24,600 --> 00:31:28,840
Speaker 1: adversity and trauma, it doesn't come from a place of inexperience.

577
00:31:29,320 --> 00:31:31,600
Speaker 1: It comes from a place of I've been there, I've

578
00:31:31,600 --> 00:31:34,040
Speaker 1: seen it. I looked it in the face. I look

579
00:31:34,120 --> 00:31:38,120
Speaker 1: in the face every day. This is how you manage it.

580
00:31:38,200 --> 00:31:41,560
Speaker 1: Do you not want to give up? Sometimes? Absolutely? Oh

581
00:31:41,600 --> 00:31:46,280
Speaker 1: my gosh, are you not angry? Absolutely? Yeah? Though, And

582
00:31:46,360 --> 00:31:49,240
Speaker 1: don't mistake that there are some days because I have dreams,

583
00:31:49,280 --> 00:31:51,320
Speaker 1: I have a husband, I have a career, I have

584
00:31:51,360 --> 00:31:53,480
Speaker 1: all these things. Right, I had a life that I

585
00:31:53,520 --> 00:31:56,240
Speaker 1: had imagined for them. My mom came through so much

586
00:31:56,280 --> 00:31:58,520
Speaker 1: trauma and then you get remarried. I had this dream

587
00:31:58,600 --> 00:32:00,800
Speaker 1: for her life that your said that pass he did

588
00:32:00,800 --> 00:32:05,160
Speaker 1: not he um He was in a very bad shape,

589
00:32:05,160 --> 00:32:07,600
Speaker 1: but one ray of opened this. He is actually back

590
00:32:07,680 --> 00:32:11,840
Speaker 1: mobile and talking and cognitively. He's good. He's still on

591
00:32:11,840 --> 00:32:14,560
Speaker 1: a feeding tube three years later for his primary nutrition,

592
00:32:14,640 --> 00:32:17,400
Speaker 1: but he's good. And he's one of the things that

593
00:32:18,040 --> 00:32:19,880
Speaker 1: one of the people has helped sustain me. He's one

594
00:32:19,880 --> 00:32:22,000
Speaker 1: of the most positive people I've ever met in my life.

595
00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:24,560
Speaker 1: Does he did? He and your mom still live together.

596
00:32:25,280 --> 00:32:26,840
Speaker 1: So I moved to you kind of take care of

597
00:32:26,840 --> 00:32:31,000
Speaker 1: both of them. Yeah and so, And it's so funny

598
00:32:31,040 --> 00:32:34,040
Speaker 1: sometimes I wish people could see behind the scenes. Um,

599
00:32:34,200 --> 00:32:37,720
Speaker 1: I sleep across from a hospital bed every night. People

600
00:32:37,720 --> 00:32:40,520
Speaker 1: don't see that when you're on TV. Yeah. I moved

601
00:32:40,520 --> 00:32:43,200
Speaker 1: to take care of her because having been in healthcare

602
00:32:43,280 --> 00:32:46,200
Speaker 1: so long and what I know to be true. And

603
00:32:46,200 --> 00:32:48,320
Speaker 1: I'll say to this on this podcast and people might

604
00:32:48,320 --> 00:32:51,240
Speaker 1: be like, she's lost it, she's nuts. I'm still hopeful

605
00:32:51,280 --> 00:32:55,840
Speaker 1: for a miracle. Why wouldn't you be, Because even when

606
00:32:55,840 --> 00:32:57,800
Speaker 1: she was in the coma, I played music for her,

607
00:32:57,960 --> 00:33:00,200
Speaker 1: I sang to her, I talked to her and tell

608
00:33:00,240 --> 00:33:04,400
Speaker 1: her I was like, mom, science studied it, neuroplasticity. Your

609
00:33:04,440 --> 00:33:07,160
Speaker 1: brain is rewiring. You have everything that you need to heal,

610
00:33:07,520 --> 00:33:09,120
Speaker 1: and you will wake up and you're going to talk

611
00:33:09,160 --> 00:33:11,240
Speaker 1: to me again. She can talk to us today, she could,

612
00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:14,160
Speaker 1: she could talk to us now, and she had memories.

613
00:33:14,840 --> 00:33:18,440
Speaker 1: She does have memories. Uh. And does she know like

614
00:33:19,000 --> 00:33:23,800
Speaker 1: her step her husband and your family, what's changed. Um.

615
00:33:23,840 --> 00:33:26,720
Speaker 1: The injury at first made it so she couldn't speak,

616
00:33:26,760 --> 00:33:29,959
Speaker 1: she couldn't coordinate eating. She still can't use her right side.

617
00:33:30,320 --> 00:33:35,840
Speaker 1: She was extremely cognitively impaired. But through that process she

618
00:33:35,960 --> 00:33:39,720
Speaker 1: has healed quite a bit mentally and in her brain,

619
00:33:39,800 --> 00:33:42,560
Speaker 1: so she can talk to us. She can understand. She

620
00:33:42,640 --> 00:33:46,160
Speaker 1: has recall now. Uh. And that's something that I'm grateful

621
00:33:46,200 --> 00:33:47,920
Speaker 1: for because one thing that I used to tell her,

622
00:33:48,320 --> 00:33:50,120
Speaker 1: and it's just kind of a full circle moment, and

623
00:33:50,160 --> 00:33:52,400
Speaker 1: then I promise I'll be quiet, No, don't be quiet.

624
00:33:52,240 --> 00:33:54,400
Speaker 1: When we were sleeping in the I see you and

625
00:33:54,440 --> 00:33:56,400
Speaker 1: you're hearing and I'm sitting here going back to my

626
00:33:56,480 --> 00:33:59,400
Speaker 1: brain talking to you about it. One thing that I

627
00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:02,360
Speaker 1: would remind her even before she came out of that

628
00:34:02,400 --> 00:34:07,040
Speaker 1: coma could open her eyes. I said, remember when they

629
00:34:07,080 --> 00:34:11,680
Speaker 1: told you weren't going to come home with me, and

630
00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:14,840
Speaker 1: if you did, I was going to be a burden.

631
00:34:15,320 --> 00:34:18,560
Speaker 1: I was gonna have learning disabilities, maybe be blind. When

632
00:34:18,560 --> 00:34:22,359
Speaker 1: you were a baby, you fought for me. We've been

633
00:34:22,360 --> 00:34:27,040
Speaker 1: here before, and look at you. They weren't right, they

634
00:34:27,160 --> 00:34:30,400
Speaker 1: weren't right, and so that what if everyone believed everything

635
00:34:30,440 --> 00:34:33,680
Speaker 1: that somebody said, who's an authority? Thing that's right? And

636
00:34:33,719 --> 00:34:36,719
Speaker 1: then let's go another level, deeper way. They weren't right,

637
00:34:36,760 --> 00:34:38,880
Speaker 1: they weren't right. And I told her, we've been here before.

638
00:34:40,560 --> 00:34:44,879
Speaker 1: We've been here before. I'm not leaving you. We've been

639
00:34:44,880 --> 00:34:48,359
Speaker 1: here before. That's why three years later, I'm still there

640
00:34:48,880 --> 00:34:52,120
Speaker 1: and to see the growth. The healthcare professor professionals are like,

641
00:34:52,760 --> 00:34:55,279
Speaker 1: we don't really understand now. It's not like she's up

642
00:34:55,760 --> 00:34:58,560
Speaker 1: running laps. But there's so much that I could talk

643
00:34:58,600 --> 00:35:03,799
Speaker 1: about in that realm. But it's so important. One thing

644
00:35:03,840 --> 00:35:05,120
Speaker 1: that you said that I want to come back to

645
00:35:05,120 --> 00:35:07,319
Speaker 1: you though. What if we believed all the things that

646
00:35:07,360 --> 00:35:12,120
Speaker 1: people told us, qualified people right? But what if we

647
00:35:12,200 --> 00:35:16,520
Speaker 1: believed everything that feels so real in our heads. Sometimes

648
00:35:16,560 --> 00:35:21,560
Speaker 1: the authority that's wrong is internal and we have to

649
00:35:21,680 --> 00:35:26,879
Speaker 1: question that sometimes and so um, I'm just so you

650
00:35:26,960 --> 00:35:30,359
Speaker 1: believe you have full hope because you've seen miracles. I've

651
00:35:30,360 --> 00:35:32,680
Speaker 1: seen miracle as much as you've seen trauma. You are

652
00:35:32,719 --> 00:35:37,759
Speaker 1: a miracle. You are a miracle actually yourself. And one

653
00:35:37,760 --> 00:35:40,000
Speaker 1: thing that I would repeat to her, because I have

654
00:35:40,120 --> 00:35:43,960
Speaker 1: I need mantras, folks, I cry and then I repeat mantras.

655
00:35:44,040 --> 00:35:45,960
Speaker 1: So one that I would say to her and that

656
00:35:46,040 --> 00:35:50,279
Speaker 1: I see you was um and over her before she

657
00:35:50,320 --> 00:35:54,040
Speaker 1: could even open her eyes. Is I would really just

658
00:35:54,160 --> 00:35:57,760
Speaker 1: plead for healing and restoration. I would repeat that because

659
00:35:58,160 --> 00:36:02,279
Speaker 1: I didn't want to selfishly keep her here. And let

660
00:36:02,280 --> 00:36:03,920
Speaker 1: me tell you, if you ever find yourself in a

661
00:36:04,000 --> 00:36:09,120
Speaker 1: trauma unit making decisions with family and professionals, you're going

662
00:36:09,200 --> 00:36:11,960
Speaker 1: to find yourself at some really hard cross roads where

663
00:36:11,960 --> 00:36:14,480
Speaker 1: they're telling you, you know, this is the quality quality

664
00:36:14,520 --> 00:36:18,200
Speaker 1: of life and this and that, and I'm not saying

665
00:36:18,239 --> 00:36:20,160
Speaker 1: anything to anyone who's had to make a hard decision,

666
00:36:20,160 --> 00:36:22,799
Speaker 1: but none of us know the right answer. But I

667
00:36:22,840 --> 00:36:25,759
Speaker 1: didn't want to be selfish and advocating and fighting for her.

668
00:36:26,239 --> 00:36:28,960
Speaker 1: That's why I would repeat the mantra healing and restoration.

669
00:36:29,080 --> 00:36:30,759
Speaker 1: I don't just want you here to be here, but

670
00:36:30,800 --> 00:36:33,080
Speaker 1: I want you to be healed and I want restoration.

671
00:36:34,360 --> 00:36:37,160
Speaker 1: Little did I know I was also repeating that mantra

672
00:36:37,239 --> 00:36:40,920
Speaker 1: for myself. That's a hindsight kind of thing. But even

673
00:36:41,000 --> 00:36:45,120
Speaker 1: now today to see some of the peace and healing

674
00:36:45,160 --> 00:36:49,239
Speaker 1: that's happened in our relationship, because it wasn't bunnies and rainbows.

675
00:36:49,520 --> 00:36:52,080
Speaker 1: Given all the trauma she had experienced, there was an

676
00:36:52,080 --> 00:36:57,960
Speaker 1: abusive toxicity to even her parenting style. She changed, not

677
00:36:58,120 --> 00:37:01,200
Speaker 1: really until later, but even in the context, it's given

678
00:37:01,239 --> 00:37:03,520
Speaker 1: me time and space to have conversations with her that

679
00:37:03,520 --> 00:37:05,680
Speaker 1: would not have otherwise happened. Wait, what do you mean?

680
00:37:05,920 --> 00:37:09,319
Speaker 1: So being real, Sometimes our parents don't acknowledge all of

681
00:37:09,400 --> 00:37:12,440
Speaker 1: what they did, but when we have, we've had this

682
00:37:12,520 --> 00:37:14,640
Speaker 1: time and then you have this life altering thing. We've

683
00:37:14,680 --> 00:37:19,319
Speaker 1: had lengthy conversations that have led to acknowledgement that I've

684
00:37:19,400 --> 00:37:22,320
Speaker 1: led to apology, that have led to insight from past

685
00:37:22,440 --> 00:37:27,960
Speaker 1: from past. Because you've talked about reparenting before. Mm hmm,

686
00:37:28,480 --> 00:37:32,719
Speaker 1: So going back and like talking through some of the

687
00:37:32,760 --> 00:37:35,799
Speaker 1: pain that maybe your mom put on you that she

688
00:37:35,960 --> 00:37:37,920
Speaker 1: was unaware of that you've had the chance to go

689
00:37:38,000 --> 00:37:40,320
Speaker 1: back and talk with her because of the state she

690
00:37:40,360 --> 00:37:42,439
Speaker 1: has done out that you never would have or would

691
00:37:42,480 --> 00:37:46,120
Speaker 1: have before. That's not oh, this person I can't move,

692
00:37:46,239 --> 00:37:49,000
Speaker 1: so I'm going to hold them captive. It's no, she's

693
00:37:49,040 --> 00:37:52,600
Speaker 1: cognitively aware, and there's been a healing, and there's been

694
00:37:52,680 --> 00:37:56,080
Speaker 1: conversation around it. And I could see because she had

695
00:37:56,120 --> 00:37:59,040
Speaker 1: tears running down her eyes, and these conversations it was

696
00:37:59,080 --> 00:38:01,759
Speaker 1: also healing for her because it wasn't me villainizing her.

697
00:38:02,400 --> 00:38:04,400
Speaker 1: Because of the work that I've done, I was able

698
00:38:04,400 --> 00:38:06,640
Speaker 1: to acknowledge and look it in the face and not

699
00:38:06,680 --> 00:38:09,359
Speaker 1: sugarcoat it and say this is what it was, this

700
00:38:09,440 --> 00:38:12,480
Speaker 1: is what the experience was for me. But here's what

701
00:38:12,520 --> 00:38:16,040
Speaker 1: I want you to know for sure. I forgive you,

702
00:38:16,320 --> 00:38:18,680
Speaker 1: and I want to say I am sorry that no

703
00:38:18,719 --> 00:38:22,319
Speaker 1: one came into your life earlier to let you know

704
00:38:23,160 --> 00:38:25,560
Speaker 1: that all of those things that you had to do

705
00:38:25,600 --> 00:38:28,160
Speaker 1: to protect yourself and you were being abused as a child,

706
00:38:28,960 --> 00:38:30,600
Speaker 1: all of those things that you had to do to

707
00:38:30,640 --> 00:38:34,560
Speaker 1: protect yourself when life was just being cruel to you.

708
00:38:35,280 --> 00:38:37,960
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry that that you weren't in the context

709
00:38:38,080 --> 00:38:40,160
Speaker 1: to heal and know that you could have put them

710
00:38:40,239 --> 00:38:44,360
Speaker 1: down in motherhood. I'm so sorry that that didn't happen

711
00:38:44,480 --> 00:38:47,400
Speaker 1: for you. And that's a powerful moment, and it was

712
00:38:47,440 --> 00:38:50,080
Speaker 1: powerful for me because I went three years angry and

713
00:38:50,200 --> 00:38:53,400
Speaker 1: angry on auto pilot. But for me, I have a

714
00:38:53,400 --> 00:38:56,040
Speaker 1: different piece about it now. And I wanted her to

715
00:38:56,120 --> 00:38:59,080
Speaker 1: know that I forgive her and that I don't look

716
00:38:59,120 --> 00:39:02,480
Speaker 1: at didn't look at her as a villain. I acknowledge

717
00:39:02,520 --> 00:39:05,480
Speaker 1: everything she went through and that someone should have. I

718
00:39:05,520 --> 00:39:08,080
Speaker 1: wish someone would have taken care of her better emotionally,

719
00:39:08,120 --> 00:39:11,600
Speaker 1: earlier on in her life. So trauma started young for her.

720
00:39:11,719 --> 00:39:14,680
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, she was abused by her father. There's a

721
00:39:14,719 --> 00:39:17,400
Speaker 1: lot that happened. And so when if you don't have

722
00:39:17,480 --> 00:39:21,040
Speaker 1: the tools to heal, how do you even know? You

723
00:39:21,120 --> 00:39:24,520
Speaker 1: just have to protect yourself and then go on. And

724
00:39:24,560 --> 00:39:26,879
Speaker 1: biology works, folks. And I'm not just saying that because

725
00:39:26,920 --> 00:39:29,960
Speaker 1: that was my background and degree. Biology works. And here's

726
00:39:30,000 --> 00:39:33,239
Speaker 1: what I mean by that. Everyone who's able to conceive

727
00:39:33,719 --> 00:39:37,160
Speaker 1: is not a mother. You can bring a child into

728
00:39:37,200 --> 00:39:39,440
Speaker 1: this world and not be the best thing for them.

729
00:39:39,480 --> 00:39:41,680
Speaker 1: And you know, I'll probably get some messages about that

730
00:39:41,719 --> 00:39:48,120
Speaker 1: after this goes life, But you can give life without

731
00:39:48,160 --> 00:39:52,600
Speaker 1: being healed and alive internally totally. And I just really

732
00:39:52,600 --> 00:39:55,239
Speaker 1: wish a lot of people do. Because so many people

733
00:39:55,280 --> 00:39:58,440
Speaker 1: have so many traumas and pains and all these awful

734
00:39:58,480 --> 00:40:01,239
Speaker 1: things they've gone through, they haven't done any work. To

735
00:40:01,280 --> 00:40:04,560
Speaker 1: actually do the work like you have, Kirby, takes so

736
00:40:04,760 --> 00:40:10,640
Speaker 1: much time and energy and emotional it's draining. It's hard

737
00:40:10,719 --> 00:40:14,640
Speaker 1: to take years. It never ends. So many people don't

738
00:40:14,640 --> 00:40:16,680
Speaker 1: even have the ability to understand how to even start

739
00:40:16,680 --> 00:40:18,920
Speaker 1: with that. And yet, like you said, they're bringing more

740
00:40:19,000 --> 00:40:22,399
Speaker 1: children into the world, yes, and they just passed down

741
00:40:22,480 --> 00:40:25,400
Speaker 1: the trauma. Yeah, and it never gets healed because some

742
00:40:25,440 --> 00:40:27,759
Speaker 1: people don't even know where to begin with this. And

743
00:40:27,800 --> 00:40:30,800
Speaker 1: then it's hard to even take ownership of it because

744
00:40:30,800 --> 00:40:33,480
Speaker 1: you're like not aware of first of all, and then

745
00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:35,279
Speaker 1: you still kind of feel like the victim, but you

746
00:40:35,320 --> 00:40:38,600
Speaker 1: don't realize that you're in parallel victimizing someone else because

747
00:40:38,640 --> 00:40:41,560
Speaker 1: you were so like not you personally, this person was

748
00:40:41,640 --> 00:40:44,680
Speaker 1: so abused and had so much trauma that yes, they

749
00:40:44,760 --> 00:40:47,279
Speaker 1: feel like the victim, but then they're passing. That's how

750
00:40:47,320 --> 00:40:52,839
Speaker 1: the cycle continues. And so maybe someone listening to this

751
00:40:53,920 --> 00:40:55,879
Speaker 1: um needs to hear this. This is something I still

752
00:40:55,920 --> 00:40:57,520
Speaker 1: work there every day because there are still some people

753
00:40:57,520 --> 00:40:59,960
Speaker 1: in my life that I'm like, I'm still working on it.

754
00:41:00,480 --> 00:41:06,359
Speaker 1: Um that you can acknowledge and make peace. One thing

755
00:41:06,360 --> 00:41:09,680
Speaker 1: I struggled for with for so long was if I

756
00:41:09,760 --> 00:41:16,560
Speaker 1: acknowledge that maybe you were broken, If I acknowledge that

757
00:41:16,600 --> 00:41:20,440
Speaker 1: maybe you were out of control, If I acknowledge maybe

758
00:41:20,480 --> 00:41:22,399
Speaker 1: what you did to me was a result of what

759
00:41:22,480 --> 00:41:25,840
Speaker 1: was done to you, that's giving you a pass. We

760
00:41:25,880 --> 00:41:28,600
Speaker 1: don't want to give people who do bad things passes,

761
00:41:28,680 --> 00:41:32,879
Speaker 1: like we should be accountable. That's a very elementary way

762
00:41:32,920 --> 00:41:36,400
Speaker 1: of looking at it. It's a very traumatized and victimized

763
00:41:36,440 --> 00:41:39,759
Speaker 1: way of looking at what's happened to you. But it

764
00:41:39,800 --> 00:41:42,560
Speaker 1: feels real. If someone came up and punched you in

765
00:41:42,600 --> 00:41:45,319
Speaker 1: the face right now, or did something that put your

766
00:41:45,400 --> 00:41:47,600
Speaker 1: daughter in harm's way, You're not going to rush to

767
00:41:47,680 --> 00:41:51,440
Speaker 1: think what happened to you. You're not human nature is.

768
00:41:52,040 --> 00:41:55,279
Speaker 1: I'm going after it. But I think when you get

769
00:41:55,320 --> 00:41:58,440
Speaker 1: to the point where you can acknowledge and make peace,

770
00:41:59,160 --> 00:42:07,000
Speaker 1: that's where rat could transformation happens. Not just bad things happened,

771
00:42:07,280 --> 00:42:10,120
Speaker 1: and I'm going to stay angry not I won't even

772
00:42:10,120 --> 00:42:12,840
Speaker 1: acknowledge the bad things happened, because if I give it language,

773
00:42:12,880 --> 00:42:15,840
Speaker 1: then it makes it real. It's real, just like we

774
00:42:15,880 --> 00:42:20,280
Speaker 1: talked about earlier. It's law. Believe me me, It's added

775
00:42:20,360 --> 00:42:22,840
Speaker 1: to my list for God, why is this law? But

776
00:42:22,920 --> 00:42:25,759
Speaker 1: it is law. So when we can look at it

777
00:42:25,880 --> 00:42:29,680
Speaker 1: for what it is, acknowledge and make peace, that's how

778
00:42:29,680 --> 00:42:31,840
Speaker 1: I've been able to be more open to letting the

779
00:42:31,920 --> 00:42:35,520
Speaker 1: light in and seeking joy even in the midst of

780
00:42:35,920 --> 00:42:39,120
Speaker 1: the most challenging chapter of my life currently still. So

781
00:42:39,160 --> 00:42:41,399
Speaker 1: when you say law is there, like are you saying

782
00:42:41,440 --> 00:42:44,600
Speaker 1: there's one particular law or there's just laws of life.

783
00:42:44,640 --> 00:42:48,160
Speaker 1: There's laws plural of life. But that's a big one,

784
00:42:48,400 --> 00:42:50,239
Speaker 1: you know, like big laws and little law. That's a

785
00:42:50,239 --> 00:42:52,440
Speaker 1: big law. The big law. Say it again, is that

786
00:42:53,160 --> 00:42:59,520
Speaker 1: adversity happens. Adversity is that's law. That's law. And I

787
00:42:59,520 --> 00:43:04,880
Speaker 1: had to think about that because we personalize our trauma

788
00:43:04,960 --> 00:43:08,960
Speaker 1: and our hurt and our pain so much, and we

789
00:43:09,000 --> 00:43:12,120
Speaker 1: think we're so uniquely flawed or that things. Why did

790
00:43:12,120 --> 00:43:13,920
Speaker 1: this happen to me? Or why did this happen to

791
00:43:13,960 --> 00:43:18,399
Speaker 1: someone I love? That is a that's a void. You'll

792
00:43:18,400 --> 00:43:20,920
Speaker 1: never know why. There's not a why other than the

793
00:43:20,960 --> 00:43:24,120
Speaker 1: fact that adversity happens and there is a law at

794
00:43:24,160 --> 00:43:27,399
Speaker 1: place that good happens and bad happens. It's it is.

795
00:43:28,239 --> 00:43:31,799
Speaker 1: There's no amount of regret or lamented. That's the law

796
00:43:31,840 --> 00:43:36,000
Speaker 1: of this life. We live this life like adversity happens, happens,

797
00:43:36,120 --> 00:43:40,520
Speaker 1: and then on the flip side, joy happens, that miracles happen. Yeah,

798
00:43:40,719 --> 00:43:46,239
Speaker 1: and adversity leaves clues and gifts um and it also

799
00:43:46,520 --> 00:43:49,399
Speaker 1: by that, Yeah, that took me a while to get

800
00:43:49,440 --> 00:43:51,359
Speaker 1: to you as well. That sucks to have to find

801
00:43:51,360 --> 00:43:54,440
Speaker 1: those gifts. Believe you me, it's on the list for

802
00:43:54,520 --> 00:43:56,759
Speaker 1: God to like. If you would have just told me,

803
00:43:56,880 --> 00:43:59,800
Speaker 1: given me like a little treasure map to my gifts

804
00:44:00,239 --> 00:44:03,440
Speaker 1: instead of hiding them in adversity, I would have followed

805
00:44:03,440 --> 00:44:05,840
Speaker 1: the treasure map. You didn't have to hide them in adversity,

806
00:44:06,000 --> 00:44:07,880
Speaker 1: right like God, I wouldn't. I wouldn't like. That's what

807
00:44:07,920 --> 00:44:10,279
Speaker 1: I've even talked about today. God spell it out for me.

808
00:44:10,360 --> 00:44:13,040
Speaker 1: I'll do it. I want to serve you like you

809
00:44:13,120 --> 00:44:15,200
Speaker 1: can go through the fire. So let me just put

810
00:44:15,239 --> 00:44:19,560
Speaker 1: you through all this pain and suffering and trauma repeatedly, repeatedly,

811
00:44:20,120 --> 00:44:30,359
Speaker 1: and then you'll find it. Do you ever feel like

812
00:44:30,600 --> 00:44:33,920
Speaker 1: you got more than like you deserved with trauma? Because

813
00:44:33,960 --> 00:44:38,000
Speaker 1: you've gotten so much. I did live in that space

814
00:44:38,000 --> 00:44:42,440
Speaker 1: for a while. It wasn't healthy and it wasn't true.

815
00:44:43,600 --> 00:44:46,640
Speaker 1: Now if we put me side by side but with

816
00:44:46,760 --> 00:44:51,040
Speaker 1: someone who's had privilege and protection and all of these things, yeah,

817
00:44:51,160 --> 00:44:53,319
Speaker 1: it's gonna look a lot different. But then I could

818
00:44:53,400 --> 00:44:56,760
Speaker 1: lift my head up and look globally to the people

819
00:44:56,800 --> 00:45:03,799
Speaker 1: who suffer immeasurable horrors daily, and I know it's not

820
00:45:03,880 --> 00:45:06,640
Speaker 1: just me. I'm not alone again. God, can we wave

821
00:45:06,680 --> 00:45:10,280
Speaker 1: a wand and fix it? I'd love that, But law

822
00:45:10,480 --> 00:45:14,359
Speaker 1: is good and bad happen, and I can't set up

823
00:45:14,480 --> 00:45:18,560
Speaker 1: camp there. I don't live there. I refuse to live there,

824
00:45:19,719 --> 00:45:22,919
Speaker 1: and I want to help other people through. So where

825
00:45:22,920 --> 00:45:27,440
Speaker 1: do you live? I live at the intersection of grief

826
00:45:27,480 --> 00:45:34,400
Speaker 1: and gratitude. That's basically my address, and that's real. That

827
00:45:34,560 --> 00:45:38,480
Speaker 1: is real. I live there because there's an ongoing grief

828
00:45:38,480 --> 00:45:41,239
Speaker 1: in my own personal life for people like you and

829
00:45:41,320 --> 00:45:45,160
Speaker 1: I who look up and research and feel things. There's

830
00:45:45,200 --> 00:45:48,280
Speaker 1: an ongoing grief for people that I know, those people

831
00:45:48,320 --> 00:45:51,239
Speaker 1: that i'll never know, the people that I'm trying to help.

832
00:45:51,360 --> 00:45:53,440
Speaker 1: There's grief for the people that I'll never be able

833
00:45:53,480 --> 00:45:56,439
Speaker 1: to help. There's grief for the life that I thought

834
00:45:56,480 --> 00:45:59,880
Speaker 1: i'd live. There's grief for the dreams that have passed,

835
00:46:00,800 --> 00:46:04,399
Speaker 1: but there's a gratitude for so many amazing things too.

836
00:46:04,440 --> 00:46:06,960
Speaker 1: So that's where I live. I live at that intersection

837
00:46:07,640 --> 00:46:14,400
Speaker 1: right now. How do you feel about embracing your dreams now?

838
00:46:14,560 --> 00:46:19,160
Speaker 1: Because it's scary because you have the real fear and

839
00:46:19,320 --> 00:46:25,720
Speaker 1: the real reality of the bottom falling out every time. Yeah,

840
00:46:25,880 --> 00:46:30,520
Speaker 1: but that's not true. But it is true. But and

841
00:46:30,520 --> 00:46:32,200
Speaker 1: that's what I wanted you to hear too. It can

842
00:46:32,239 --> 00:46:35,080
Speaker 1: feel so true but not be true. So what do

843
00:46:35,160 --> 00:46:39,200
Speaker 1: you do? You keep going, you seek out resources, you

844
00:46:39,239 --> 00:46:45,319
Speaker 1: find a release, you surrender. What do you tell God

845
00:46:46,800 --> 00:46:50,279
Speaker 1: that I'm open? Oh? And that took a long time

846
00:46:50,320 --> 00:46:55,719
Speaker 1: to get to because I felt so closed off, and

847
00:46:55,800 --> 00:46:57,879
Speaker 1: not because I'm a bad person. Was I closed off

848
00:46:57,920 --> 00:47:00,480
Speaker 1: from from God and bigger things? You would be craziest

849
00:47:00,520 --> 00:47:03,960
Speaker 1: were protection. I mean, I would be cussing God. I'm

850
00:47:03,960 --> 00:47:05,879
Speaker 1: sorry for everyone who thinks that that's like the wrong

851
00:47:05,920 --> 00:47:08,000
Speaker 1: thing to say, but like it's in the Bible too, Yeah,

852
00:47:08,120 --> 00:47:11,440
Speaker 1: I mean, like what on earth? God? You know? And

853
00:47:11,480 --> 00:47:13,680
Speaker 1: I think that's fine to get angry with God. Yeah,

854
00:47:13,880 --> 00:47:16,640
Speaker 1: I mean he designed us. That's what I say, I

855
00:47:16,640 --> 00:47:19,719
Speaker 1: didn't design me. It's just like when the video game

856
00:47:19,800 --> 00:47:23,560
Speaker 1: gets glitchy, it's not the player's fault. Somebody designed that.

857
00:47:23,920 --> 00:47:26,840
Speaker 1: So he gave us every one of these emotions and

858
00:47:26,960 --> 00:47:31,120
Speaker 1: this complexity. And if we read the Bible, and you know,

859
00:47:31,160 --> 00:47:33,360
Speaker 1: for anyone who has a faith story, I know everyone

860
00:47:33,400 --> 00:47:38,520
Speaker 1: doesn't subscribe to the same foundational but across the board, um,

861
00:47:38,680 --> 00:47:42,279
Speaker 1: we're in the likeness of defense divinity. We're in the likeness.

862
00:47:42,680 --> 00:47:47,440
Speaker 1: So when we feel despair, when we feel angry, it's

863
00:47:47,480 --> 00:47:50,320
Speaker 1: not because we're terrible. Remember, we're designed and we're in

864
00:47:50,360 --> 00:47:53,000
Speaker 1: the likeness. And that's one thing that's helped me get

865
00:47:53,000 --> 00:47:54,960
Speaker 1: through some of this too. It's like, okay, God, if

866
00:47:55,040 --> 00:47:58,800
Speaker 1: I'm like a mirror image or a portion of you,

867
00:47:59,440 --> 00:48:02,359
Speaker 1: I'm looking to tap into the bigger picture, the thing

868
00:48:02,400 --> 00:48:04,840
Speaker 1: that can help me be connected. And I am open.

869
00:48:05,480 --> 00:48:08,600
Speaker 1: I was so closed off and running a program daily,

870
00:48:08,640 --> 00:48:10,319
Speaker 1: and sometimes I still fall into this when I'm in

871
00:48:10,360 --> 00:48:13,960
Speaker 1: my most stressed states, I just go to running the

872
00:48:14,080 --> 00:48:17,360
Speaker 1: simple program that was not serving me, and it didn't

873
00:48:17,400 --> 00:48:21,600
Speaker 1: protect me. It didn't save me. It did not. So

874
00:48:21,680 --> 00:48:25,640
Speaker 1: if you are protecting yourself from pain, you're also protecting

875
00:48:25,680 --> 00:48:27,880
Speaker 1: yourself from joy and it will not save you. And

876
00:48:27,920 --> 00:48:30,839
Speaker 1: I know that seems depressing, but it's really what's true.

877
00:48:30,880 --> 00:48:33,840
Speaker 1: It won't save you, so you might as well surrender,

878
00:48:33,920 --> 00:48:38,000
Speaker 1: live all out, maximize the moments you have, maximize the

879
00:48:38,040 --> 00:48:42,600
Speaker 1: influence you have while you haven't. How do you protect yourself? Now,

880
00:48:44,560 --> 00:48:49,480
Speaker 1: I have a true North and if something doesn't align

881
00:48:49,520 --> 00:48:52,560
Speaker 1: with that in my gun, in my life, I'm about

882
00:48:52,560 --> 00:48:54,160
Speaker 1: to tell you a real quick story and you're like

883
00:48:54,200 --> 00:48:57,640
Speaker 1: herbe your stories aren't quick. But you got to have

884
00:48:57,719 --> 00:49:01,080
Speaker 1: your own show somehow, something God has big plans for you.

885
00:49:01,200 --> 00:49:03,759
Speaker 1: That's actually the goal, you know, as to have a

886
00:49:03,800 --> 00:49:06,720
Speaker 1: show where we talk about things like this, travel the world,

887
00:49:06,760 --> 00:49:12,640
Speaker 1: pepper and some delicious food. It's the whole thing. Ah.

888
00:49:12,840 --> 00:49:18,120
Speaker 1: So what has helped me is the resources that I've shared,

889
00:49:18,280 --> 00:49:25,279
Speaker 1: like reading, meditating, mantras, gratitude journaling and not just in

890
00:49:25,360 --> 00:49:28,759
Speaker 1: a cute, fuzzy journal. Sometimes you have to be grateful

891
00:49:28,880 --> 00:49:31,640
Speaker 1: for the little things and start there and then allow

892
00:49:31,680 --> 00:49:35,880
Speaker 1: yourself to feel angry and still dig deeper. That's the ticket.

893
00:49:36,640 --> 00:49:38,680
Speaker 1: The other thing is I have When I say I

894
00:49:38,680 --> 00:49:42,120
Speaker 1: have a true North, I know at the end of

895
00:49:42,160 --> 00:49:45,800
Speaker 1: my life what I want to have left behind that

896
00:49:46,800 --> 00:49:51,600
Speaker 1: I want to have been a light. A light doesn't

897
00:49:51,800 --> 00:49:55,719
Speaker 1: change anything. But had you walked into this room that

898
00:49:55,719 --> 00:49:58,879
Speaker 1: we're sitting in here today and it was dark, your

899
00:49:58,920 --> 00:50:01,120
Speaker 1: experience would have been front. You would have bumped into

900
00:50:01,200 --> 00:50:03,960
Speaker 1: some things. You maybe would have felt a little fearful.

901
00:50:04,360 --> 00:50:07,279
Speaker 1: You maybe would have gotten bruised, Maybe you would have

902
00:50:07,360 --> 00:50:12,680
Speaker 1: stayed small because you felt unsure about going forward. But

903
00:50:12,760 --> 00:50:16,200
Speaker 1: turning on the light doesn't change anything about the room.

904
00:50:16,239 --> 00:50:20,200
Speaker 1: It just changes how you experience the room. Wow, that's

905
00:50:20,239 --> 00:50:22,480
Speaker 1: what I want to be said about my life. I

906
00:50:22,480 --> 00:50:25,920
Speaker 1: want to change how people experience life. And one of

907
00:50:25,920 --> 00:50:27,600
Speaker 1: the things that helps me to do that is my

908
00:50:27,680 --> 00:50:32,279
Speaker 1: own practice, my own grounding faith. And you know, we

909
00:50:32,360 --> 00:50:34,600
Speaker 1: could have a whole nother podcast about faith journey still

910
00:50:34,600 --> 00:50:36,920
Speaker 1: on that which we are because this is for Kelly's

911
00:50:37,040 --> 00:50:39,440
Speaker 1: Velvet Edge, but I'm taking Kirby. We're going to have

912
00:50:39,480 --> 00:50:43,440
Speaker 1: a part to Online Get Real coming up. And there

913
00:50:43,480 --> 00:50:46,600
Speaker 1: is an exercise that I had to do with a

914
00:50:46,680 --> 00:50:49,440
Speaker 1: small group cohort that I'm in in a business cohort

915
00:50:49,480 --> 00:50:52,800
Speaker 1: with Donald Miller. If you're familiar with he has a podcast,

916
00:50:52,800 --> 00:50:54,600
Speaker 1: and he does have a podcast and a whole company

917
00:50:54,640 --> 00:50:57,600
Speaker 1: and all these amazing things. People might know him for

918
00:50:57,760 --> 00:50:59,959
Speaker 1: writing Blue Light Jazz, but he's gone on to really

919
00:51:00,040 --> 00:51:03,319
Speaker 1: be a business mogul, if you will. And I'm in

920
00:51:03,360 --> 00:51:06,759
Speaker 1: a small business cohort with him. And it's not just

921
00:51:06,880 --> 00:51:09,480
Speaker 1: about business, it's business in life. And those are my people.

922
00:51:10,880 --> 00:51:13,640
Speaker 1: That's why you're my people. Is how can we do

923
00:51:13,719 --> 00:51:17,440
Speaker 1: well together? But how can we um be whole together?

924
00:51:18,200 --> 00:51:21,759
Speaker 1: So in one of those sessions, he invited us to

925
00:51:21,920 --> 00:51:26,120
Speaker 1: write our obituary. My eyes got big. I was like,

926
00:51:26,160 --> 00:51:29,160
Speaker 1: are you serious? In this room with people were writing

927
00:51:29,200 --> 00:51:32,439
Speaker 1: an obituary, And then he went on to share how

928
00:51:32,480 --> 00:51:35,560
Speaker 1: he has written his obituary and the practice that he

929
00:51:35,600 --> 00:51:38,719
Speaker 1: has with it, and why it's really a beautiful thing,

930
00:51:39,239 --> 00:51:41,879
Speaker 1: and how it can help navigate your life. Because here's

931
00:51:41,920 --> 00:51:53,920
Speaker 1: another law. This ends life. This version ends. And that's heavy,

932
00:51:54,960 --> 00:51:59,120
Speaker 1: but it's true. It's true. And even I spent years

933
00:51:59,280 --> 00:52:01,440
Speaker 1: trying not to think about it. With the loss of

934
00:52:01,440 --> 00:52:03,960
Speaker 1: my brother, the loss of my dad, the thought of

935
00:52:04,040 --> 00:52:10,680
Speaker 1: losing something was just so traumatic. Through healing, I can't

936
00:52:10,680 --> 00:52:13,640
Speaker 1: ignore the fact that it ends. So with that in mind,

937
00:52:13,800 --> 00:52:16,960
Speaker 1: how about we make it as beautiful and purposeful as

938
00:52:17,000 --> 00:52:21,359
Speaker 1: we can. So writing my obituary trying to run from

939
00:52:21,360 --> 00:52:24,200
Speaker 1: the fact that we're going to still gonna happen. It's

940
00:52:24,239 --> 00:52:27,120
Speaker 1: still gonna happen. Um, it's just like you can be

941
00:52:27,120 --> 00:52:29,960
Speaker 1: like I don't like nighttime. I like daytime. I like

942
00:52:30,040 --> 00:52:32,480
Speaker 1: to take my kids to the park, my kids, you know,

943
00:52:32,520 --> 00:52:37,359
Speaker 1: I like daytime. Kiss. What's gonna happen around six thirty tonight? Yeah? Night?

944
00:52:39,320 --> 00:52:42,319
Speaker 1: So how about we embrace it. So, sitting in that room,

945
00:52:42,400 --> 00:52:44,399
Speaker 1: I wrote the obituary. It was very hard for me.

946
00:52:45,040 --> 00:52:46,799
Speaker 1: The next time we come back together, he's like, we're

947
00:52:46,800 --> 00:52:51,319
Speaker 1: gonna read them. So I read my obituary in front

948
00:52:51,320 --> 00:52:54,320
Speaker 1: of this room full of people, and that too, was transformational.

949
00:52:54,920 --> 00:52:56,960
Speaker 1: And why he said that is helpful and he actually

950
00:52:57,040 --> 00:52:59,320
Speaker 1: reads his He says, you know, read it daily or

951
00:52:59,320 --> 00:53:03,759
Speaker 1: at least weekly, so that you have a path so

952
00:53:03,800 --> 00:53:09,399
Speaker 1: when the noise of life threatens to consume you, much

953
00:53:09,480 --> 00:53:11,759
Speaker 1: like what we were talking about, that happens for me

954
00:53:11,880 --> 00:53:17,399
Speaker 1: all the time. You have a path. As amazing as

955
00:53:17,440 --> 00:53:20,879
Speaker 1: you are, you can't solve it all. As amazing as

956
00:53:20,920 --> 00:53:24,480
Speaker 1: you are, and you're a beautiful design, you aren't designed

957
00:53:24,480 --> 00:53:29,480
Speaker 1: to carry it all. So no, your path and anything

958
00:53:29,760 --> 00:53:33,520
Speaker 1: that's not aligned with that, it's a goodbye and good luck,

959
00:53:33,520 --> 00:53:35,759
Speaker 1: and I hope someone who's on their path can help

960
00:53:35,760 --> 00:53:39,840
Speaker 1: with that. Know your path, So that is what keeps

961
00:53:39,840 --> 00:53:42,120
Speaker 1: me grounded. That's a very long way to answer your

962
00:53:42,160 --> 00:53:44,520
Speaker 1: question about you know, kind of what keeps me and

963
00:53:44,840 --> 00:53:47,759
Speaker 1: where I'm going is to know that at the end

964
00:53:47,760 --> 00:53:51,920
Speaker 1: of it all, the ripple effect that I want to

965
00:53:52,000 --> 00:53:58,080
Speaker 1: leave what I would hope would be transformational for other people.

966
00:53:58,640 --> 00:54:04,280
Speaker 1: Outside of good recipes, awesome selfie angles, all of these things,

967
00:54:04,400 --> 00:54:08,680
Speaker 1: I want to have an enduring impact because I've been

968
00:54:08,760 --> 00:54:13,560
Speaker 1: given really hard gifts in life, and I don't believe

969
00:54:13,600 --> 00:54:17,080
Speaker 1: that we go through these things for torture, although that's

970
00:54:17,080 --> 00:54:18,759
Speaker 1: also on my list for God. I just want to

971
00:54:18,800 --> 00:54:20,680
Speaker 1: be sure, like you weren't meaning to torch me, right,

972
00:54:21,000 --> 00:54:23,080
Speaker 1: I don't believe that we do. I believe that if

973
00:54:23,080 --> 00:54:27,320
Speaker 1: you are open, if your eyes wide open, heart wide open,

974
00:54:27,680 --> 00:54:31,880
Speaker 1: even if it's breaking, the lessons that you learn can

975
00:54:31,920 --> 00:54:35,640
Speaker 1: literally change your life and save someone else and and

976
00:54:35,680 --> 00:54:39,960
Speaker 1: save them, maybe not physically, but save them from dying

977
00:54:40,000 --> 00:54:42,600
Speaker 1: in their mind and their twenties and thirties and only

978
00:54:42,640 --> 00:54:46,120
Speaker 1: being buried in their seventies. Wow. I want to save

979
00:54:46,160 --> 00:54:48,560
Speaker 1: people from that because I'm on the process of saving

980
00:54:48,600 --> 00:54:51,040
Speaker 1: myself from that. I was on a road where I

981
00:54:51,080 --> 00:54:54,520
Speaker 1: was just going to run the same program and so

982
00:54:54,640 --> 00:54:57,279
Speaker 1: here we are. So that's why do you decide to

983
00:54:57,280 --> 00:55:04,120
Speaker 1: get off that road? Because I saw that it was

984
00:55:04,800 --> 00:55:08,920
Speaker 1: kind of that's sobering, like you know what it's going

985
00:55:08,960 --> 00:55:13,160
Speaker 1: to end. That's painful to think about. But I'm going

986
00:55:13,200 --> 00:55:19,400
Speaker 1: to push it to the limit. I'm not going to um,

987
00:55:19,640 --> 00:55:23,200
Speaker 1: just live really small and shrink and dye. I'm gonna

988
00:55:23,200 --> 00:55:25,840
Speaker 1: try everything that I want to. Hence why I just

989
00:55:25,920 --> 00:55:29,440
Speaker 1: got back from Italy. I'm leaving for London on Sunday. Um,

990
00:55:29,480 --> 00:55:31,680
Speaker 1: I'm going to push this to the edge because it

991
00:55:31,719 --> 00:55:36,040
Speaker 1: does end, and I believe that it can end really beautifully.

992
00:55:36,160 --> 00:55:38,120
Speaker 1: It ends for me in a form, but it won't

993
00:55:38,200 --> 00:55:40,960
Speaker 1: end for other people. That's why I decided to do

994
00:55:41,040 --> 00:55:44,040
Speaker 1: that is because our life is really I think we're

995
00:55:44,200 --> 00:55:47,040
Speaker 1: designed to be of service. And that's when you're the

996
00:55:47,120 --> 00:55:54,680
Speaker 1: highest version of yourself, not the shrinking, faking, decaying version

997
00:55:54,719 --> 00:55:57,719
Speaker 1: of ourselves. When you're the highest version of yourself and

998
00:55:57,800 --> 00:56:03,000
Speaker 1: your gifting, in your glory, in your brokenness, that's when

999
00:56:03,200 --> 00:56:04,960
Speaker 1: you can be of service for other people. And I

1000
00:56:04,960 --> 00:56:07,520
Speaker 1: believe that's why we're here. I really do believe that's

1001
00:56:07,520 --> 00:56:09,960
Speaker 1: why we're here. So that's what invited me to get

1002
00:56:09,960 --> 00:56:19,440
Speaker 1: off of that autopilot, even though it felt safer. But

1003
00:56:19,600 --> 00:56:22,920
Speaker 1: like it's crazy that, like you didn't want to be reckless,

1004
00:56:23,080 --> 00:56:25,799
Speaker 1: you didn't want to just be constantly Oh we didn't

1005
00:56:25,800 --> 00:56:28,760
Speaker 1: say that wasn't true. Like you can see why people

1006
00:56:28,840 --> 00:56:33,280
Speaker 1: just want to drink, party, do all sorts of things

1007
00:56:33,360 --> 00:56:38,040
Speaker 1: to numb out, you know, throw caution to the wind,

1008
00:56:39,000 --> 00:56:42,680
Speaker 1: anger all that, like because like sometimes you're like, who

1009
00:56:42,680 --> 00:56:45,600
Speaker 1: even cares? Because at the point, right because it's almost

1010
00:56:45,600 --> 00:56:47,919
Speaker 1: like I know the end of this movie, why don't

1011
00:56:47,920 --> 00:56:51,000
Speaker 1: I just kick it? Live it up? But it's it's

1012
00:56:51,040 --> 00:56:54,920
Speaker 1: really having that um the lens of service and having

1013
00:56:55,239 --> 00:56:58,600
Speaker 1: meaning when it's all over for me and even you know, guys,

1014
00:56:58,680 --> 00:57:00,520
Speaker 1: this isn't I'm like writing my to where and like

1015
00:57:00,560 --> 00:57:02,160
Speaker 1: it hopefully it won't come true next week, but I'm

1016
00:57:02,160 --> 00:57:05,480
Speaker 1: just saying, like we're like a living legacy. One of

1017
00:57:05,480 --> 00:57:09,200
Speaker 1: my favorite speakers, um who I actually had the opportunity

1018
00:57:09,200 --> 00:57:11,040
Speaker 1: to have him call my cell phone. It was insane.

1019
00:57:11,360 --> 00:57:14,279
Speaker 1: He changed my life with that one thing that he

1020
00:57:14,320 --> 00:57:19,040
Speaker 1: says is live full and die empty. Who is it?

1021
00:57:19,360 --> 00:57:24,440
Speaker 1: Less brown. Oh yes, And I had the occasion to

1022
00:57:24,480 --> 00:57:28,240
Speaker 1: go cook for him and we did a great interview together.

1023
00:57:28,680 --> 00:57:31,840
Speaker 1: But it's really when you live full that your tribe

1024
00:57:31,920 --> 00:57:35,400
Speaker 1: starts to be attracted who can genuinely help you on

1025
00:57:35,480 --> 00:57:38,800
Speaker 1: your journey. It's when you live full and you're vulnerable

1026
00:57:38,800 --> 00:57:43,360
Speaker 1: and even broken hearted, that you start to get peace

1027
00:57:45,960 --> 00:57:49,520
Speaker 1: that transcends understanding. You know that's in the Bible too,

1028
00:57:49,520 --> 00:57:52,440
Speaker 1: and we've all read about it. But when you can

1029
00:57:52,480 --> 00:57:54,160
Speaker 1: sit here and be like, why aren't you angry? I

1030
00:57:54,160 --> 00:57:57,479
Speaker 1: am angry some days. I am wanting to just park

1031
00:57:57,600 --> 00:58:00,360
Speaker 1: some days and just let life go by. That is true.

1032
00:58:01,320 --> 00:58:07,280
Speaker 1: But more often than not, there is a peace that

1033
00:58:07,360 --> 00:58:11,760
Speaker 1: it's hard for you to understand. But it's only because

1034
00:58:11,960 --> 00:58:14,920
Speaker 1: of that journey and opening myself up to that, and

1035
00:58:14,920 --> 00:58:17,280
Speaker 1: it is a journey. There are some days that when

1036
00:58:17,280 --> 00:58:20,600
Speaker 1: my mom's having a really hard day, and I've got

1037
00:58:20,600 --> 00:58:23,080
Speaker 1: demands of other things, and my husband is living in

1038
00:58:23,080 --> 00:58:25,600
Speaker 1: a whole another house and I'm worried about the life

1039
00:58:25,600 --> 00:58:29,160
Speaker 1: that he thought he'd live, that I'm just like, this

1040
00:58:29,320 --> 00:58:34,040
Speaker 1: is too much. But then because of the tribe that

1041
00:58:34,080 --> 00:58:37,960
Speaker 1: I have, the developing faith that I have, I'm able

1042
00:58:37,960 --> 00:58:40,600
Speaker 1: to come back to center. So that's all that I

1043
00:58:40,600 --> 00:58:43,000
Speaker 1: can offer. I don't have a magic wand but it's

1044
00:58:43,000 --> 00:58:46,600
Speaker 1: like it's a practice. It's a courageousness to look at

1045
00:58:47,320 --> 00:58:51,120
Speaker 1: the truths of this life. It's not personal. We didn't

1046
00:58:51,240 --> 00:58:56,720
Speaker 1: design it. We're in it again. I'm like, why couldn't

1047
00:58:56,720 --> 00:59:03,200
Speaker 1: have been a Llama? They seem good everybody the time.

1048
00:59:03,200 --> 00:59:06,280
Speaker 1: They've got a nice coat, keeps they don't really get

1049
00:59:06,320 --> 00:59:09,080
Speaker 1: eaten that off. They're kind of just there. They're just there,

1050
00:59:09,240 --> 00:59:12,680
Speaker 1: be there. Yeah, it's put those cute little blankets on

1051
00:59:12,720 --> 00:59:15,080
Speaker 1: their backs. I mean, Lama, I could have been a Lama.

1052
00:59:15,200 --> 00:59:19,040
Speaker 1: Why am I this? You know? So I think I

1053
00:59:19,120 --> 00:59:21,040
Speaker 1: go through that too. But I just have to know

1054
00:59:21,120 --> 00:59:23,480
Speaker 1: that there is a purpose for my life that is

1055
00:59:23,520 --> 00:59:26,480
Speaker 1: beyond anything that I can actually comprehend, and that pulls

1056
00:59:26,520 --> 00:59:29,800
Speaker 1: me forward and so you're open to it. And that's

1057
00:59:29,800 --> 00:59:32,960
Speaker 1: when life really started to change. I think to probably

1058
00:59:34,560 --> 00:59:36,800
Speaker 1: you said, God, like, why did you have to make

1059
00:59:36,840 --> 00:59:40,080
Speaker 1: me find my purpose? Realist adversity? But now like the

1060
00:59:40,160 --> 00:59:43,760
Speaker 1: law is adversity and miracles. So it's like, are you

1061
00:59:43,840 --> 00:59:49,040
Speaker 1: just realizing that your purpose is all of it? Like

1062
00:59:49,560 --> 00:59:53,640
Speaker 1: when you you had the dream before your mom called

1063
00:59:53,680 --> 00:59:56,600
Speaker 1: you on New Year's Eve with the dooms flying out.

1064
00:59:56,640 --> 01:00:00,160
Speaker 1: But maybe it's just all of it. But it sucks

1065
01:00:00,360 --> 01:00:03,600
Speaker 1: and it's great, and it's duality and it sucks and

1066
01:00:03,680 --> 01:00:07,040
Speaker 1: it's great and what the f and it's amazing and

1067
01:00:07,120 --> 01:00:09,200
Speaker 1: it's awful of it and I hate it and I

1068
01:00:09,240 --> 01:00:12,160
Speaker 1: love it, yes, and I don't deserve it. But also

1069
01:00:12,960 --> 01:00:16,720
Speaker 1: it's like I don't deserve it both ways. What in

1070
01:00:17,080 --> 01:00:19,400
Speaker 1: the f are we doing here? That's what I'm like,

1071
01:00:19,520 --> 01:00:23,200
Speaker 1: Why God, would you like to add an amendment to

1072
01:00:23,240 --> 01:00:30,760
Speaker 1: my note to God? Let's do it, let's write God. Yeah,

1073
01:00:31,200 --> 01:00:35,640
Speaker 1: it's humbling. Let me tell you that. Because my degrees,

1074
01:00:35,720 --> 01:00:37,520
Speaker 1: what I had in the bank account, the fact that

1075
01:00:37,560 --> 01:00:40,640
Speaker 1: I get to do cool things on TV, sometimes none

1076
01:00:40,680 --> 01:00:43,320
Speaker 1: of that mattered on the other end of that phone call.

1077
01:00:45,080 --> 01:00:48,960
Speaker 1: It's real humbling. And maybe that's it. Maybe that's part

1078
01:00:48,960 --> 01:00:53,640
Speaker 1: of the story too. Um just here figuring out and

1079
01:00:53,680 --> 01:00:59,240
Speaker 1: reimagining my pieces. There is a a Japanese practice, and

1080
01:00:59,280 --> 01:01:02,440
Speaker 1: I'm sure all of us ever heard it, called kintsugi,

1081
01:01:03,480 --> 01:01:05,840
Speaker 1: and it's a really intricate process and maybe one day

1082
01:01:05,880 --> 01:01:09,040
Speaker 1: we'll talk more about it. But at the highest level,

1083
01:01:09,640 --> 01:01:15,040
Speaker 1: they don't throw away pottery and things that break like

1084
01:01:15,120 --> 01:01:17,360
Speaker 1: we do, and then we go try to replace it.

1085
01:01:17,680 --> 01:01:19,400
Speaker 1: And that's what we do in our lives. Sometimes where

1086
01:01:19,440 --> 01:01:22,000
Speaker 1: we break, we go try to replace it. We get

1087
01:01:22,040 --> 01:01:25,480
Speaker 1: the highlights on the filler. I'm all for all the

1088
01:01:25,520 --> 01:01:27,760
Speaker 1: things that just got my hair done yesterday looks really good,

1089
01:01:27,760 --> 01:01:31,160
Speaker 1: but it doesn't fix it. We don't replace it. You

1090
01:01:32,080 --> 01:01:34,560
Speaker 1: have to sit with it. And so in the process

1091
01:01:34,600 --> 01:01:37,200
Speaker 1: of kintsugi, when they have something that's broken, they don't

1092
01:01:37,240 --> 01:01:40,840
Speaker 1: rush to fix it either. There's actually a practice where

1093
01:01:40,840 --> 01:01:45,320
Speaker 1: they sit with the pieces and reimagine what they can be.

1094
01:01:46,160 --> 01:01:47,960
Speaker 1: They know that it's not going to be restored to

1095
01:01:48,000 --> 01:01:51,840
Speaker 1: its original form. They don't try to use clear glue

1096
01:01:51,920 --> 01:01:55,320
Speaker 1: to hide the brokenness. They actually sit with an honor

1097
01:01:55,400 --> 01:01:59,600
Speaker 1: what happened. They fill in the cracks with gold and

1098
01:01:59,640 --> 01:02:03,760
Speaker 1: the p stronger than it was before, and the cracks

1099
01:02:03,880 --> 01:02:08,440
Speaker 1: actually highlight the fact that they were broken and there's

1100
01:02:08,960 --> 01:02:11,600
Speaker 1: it's still there. It's resilient. And I really believe that

1101
01:02:12,080 --> 01:02:14,240
Speaker 1: is a parallel for our lives. Let's not hide our

1102
01:02:14,280 --> 01:02:19,080
Speaker 1: brokenness and that's not rushed to throw it away and

1103
01:02:19,160 --> 01:02:23,000
Speaker 1: replace it. I know we're all about reinventing ourselves, but

1104
01:02:23,160 --> 01:02:26,800
Speaker 1: how about we don't seek new things to reinvent ourselves.

1105
01:02:26,880 --> 01:02:31,240
Speaker 1: Let's go inward and reimagine our pieces and find purpose there.

1106
01:02:32,120 --> 01:02:37,080
Speaker 1: I think that's I think that's where real peace and

1107
01:02:37,160 --> 01:02:40,560
Speaker 1: transformation happens. And going back to what we talked about earlier,

1108
01:02:41,480 --> 01:02:45,960
Speaker 1: that's what we're all after. God, you are so wise.

1109
01:02:46,880 --> 01:02:50,120
Speaker 1: I can't believe you've gotten here mentally, like the way

1110
01:02:50,240 --> 01:02:53,480
Speaker 1: you're the mental strength that you have, the person that

1111
01:02:53,600 --> 01:02:56,600
Speaker 1: you are, you are rare. You are rare. Look at us,

1112
01:02:56,640 --> 01:03:01,160
Speaker 1: two rare peoples, and in a room you are. You

1113
01:03:01,160 --> 01:03:06,880
Speaker 1: are an amazing person. Kirby, your life is phenomenal. You

1114
01:03:06,960 --> 01:03:10,720
Speaker 1: are phenomenal, and you are so here and this is

1115
01:03:10,760 --> 01:03:13,200
Speaker 1: the star we all are in our own version, but

1116
01:03:13,280 --> 01:03:18,080
Speaker 1: we don't see it, see it because we're we're seeking

1117
01:03:18,160 --> 01:03:21,640
Speaker 1: something else. And that's why re imagine your pieces is

1118
01:03:21,680 --> 01:03:25,200
Speaker 1: so important. Your pieces, not somebody else's. Reimagine them and

1119
01:03:25,240 --> 01:03:29,040
Speaker 1: put some new hope in him, um, because otherwise you'll

1120
01:03:29,040 --> 01:03:31,640
Speaker 1: be staring at the shards wishing they were whole again.

1121
01:03:31,760 --> 01:03:34,640
Speaker 1: It's not gonna happen. You're going to rush to pick

1122
01:03:34,720 --> 01:03:37,280
Speaker 1: up the pieces and you're gonna cut yourself. You're gonna

1123
01:03:37,280 --> 01:03:40,240
Speaker 1: try sit with them honor them and put them together

1124
01:03:40,280 --> 01:03:43,680
Speaker 1: with purpose. That's my That's that's where I am. That's

1125
01:03:43,680 --> 01:03:45,280
Speaker 1: not like this is where I've been and I'm coming

1126
01:03:45,280 --> 01:03:48,360
Speaker 1: to tell you about it. That's where I am. That's

1127
01:03:48,360 --> 01:03:50,600
Speaker 1: where I am. I'm figuring it out. I'm open to

1128
01:03:50,640 --> 01:03:53,480
Speaker 1: it every day, really every hour. I don't have good

1129
01:03:53,560 --> 01:03:55,160
Speaker 1: days and bad days. I have a good twenty minutes

1130
01:03:55,160 --> 01:03:58,000
Speaker 1: in bed, twenty minutes like it's a roller coaster. So

1131
01:03:58,440 --> 01:04:00,480
Speaker 1: I'm just sharing a little snippet of the journey and

1132
01:04:00,520 --> 01:04:03,440
Speaker 1: what helps me and just being honest about that. Getting

1133
01:04:03,560 --> 01:04:08,400
Speaker 1: to talk with you today has been so unbelievably meaningful

1134
01:04:08,440 --> 01:04:12,120
Speaker 1: to me. And I came in here feeling hopeless for

1135
01:04:12,160 --> 01:04:16,640
Speaker 1: this world because sometimes I just hate it, And after

1136
01:04:16,680 --> 01:04:19,600
Speaker 1: talking to you, I feel so much hope for this

1137
01:04:19,640 --> 01:04:25,200
Speaker 1: world because of you. This conversation has completely changed the

1138
01:04:25,240 --> 01:04:28,480
Speaker 1: way I feel about this day, because I woke up

1139
01:04:29,120 --> 01:04:31,160
Speaker 1: just not in it today, just not feeling it, not

1140
01:04:31,320 --> 01:04:35,160
Speaker 1: wanting it, like feeling completely defeated by having to be

1141
01:04:35,280 --> 01:04:40,640
Speaker 1: in this world because it's so awful. But you flipped

1142
01:04:40,640 --> 01:04:44,800
Speaker 1: the switch for me today and I'm so grateful and

1143
01:04:44,880 --> 01:04:47,720
Speaker 1: honored that I got to talk with you. Well, I'm

1144
01:04:47,760 --> 01:04:50,400
Speaker 1: so grateful and to honor that we got to spend

1145
01:04:50,400 --> 01:04:53,640
Speaker 1: this time together. And there are no mistakes. This is

1146
01:04:53,720 --> 01:04:58,440
Speaker 1: meant to happen today. I feel that it's beautiful and

1147
01:04:58,480 --> 01:05:02,040
Speaker 1: I'm so glad to be a guest on a velvet's edge.

1148
01:05:02,640 --> 01:05:05,600
Speaker 1: Velvet's edge, and I'm a guest of a guest and

1149
01:05:05,640 --> 01:05:08,439
Speaker 1: We're gonna have many more conversations. I love that. Yes,

1150
01:05:08,560 --> 01:05:11,440
Speaker 1: so good, and thank you all for listening. And everyone

1151
01:05:11,480 --> 01:05:14,480
Speaker 1: go follow Kirby tell us again, We're to find you, okay, okay,

1152
01:05:14,640 --> 01:05:17,240
Speaker 1: So you can find me over in the wonderful world

1153
01:05:17,360 --> 01:05:19,880
Speaker 1: of Instagram. That's where I am the most active. So

1154
01:05:19,880 --> 01:05:22,800
Speaker 1: I'd love for you to connect with me there. And

1155
01:05:22,840 --> 01:05:27,840
Speaker 1: that's at Kenemi Kitchen and that's kay i in I

1156
01:05:28,320 --> 01:05:31,960
Speaker 1: for in a goal and then am I Kitchen, So

1157
01:05:32,040 --> 01:05:34,360
Speaker 1: connect with me over there. I know this will all

1158
01:05:34,400 --> 01:05:37,040
Speaker 1: be in the show notes to you. Let's let's make

1159
01:05:37,080 --> 01:05:39,600
Speaker 1: new friends. And some people come in your life for

1160
01:05:39,640 --> 01:05:43,080
Speaker 1: a season and that's cool, um, but some people come

1161
01:05:43,120 --> 01:05:45,360
Speaker 1: to walk the journey with you. So maybe we're here

1162
01:05:45,400 --> 01:05:48,840
Speaker 1: to find each other. I always wrap up with leave

1163
01:05:48,880 --> 01:05:55,600
Speaker 1: your light and your whole thing is light in the darkness.

1164
01:05:55,800 --> 01:05:59,840
Speaker 1: I mean, you walk that line amazing. Um, but it's

1165
01:05:59,880 --> 01:06:01,920
Speaker 1: just open ended. What do you want people to know?

1166
01:06:06,760 --> 01:06:09,760
Speaker 1: I want people to know that it may feel the same,

1167
01:06:10,480 --> 01:06:12,960
Speaker 1: but it's not the same. And here's what I mean

1168
01:06:13,000 --> 01:06:14,720
Speaker 1: by that. The thing that gets me out of the

1169
01:06:14,720 --> 01:06:20,960
Speaker 1: bed in the morning is possibility. And some days when

1170
01:06:20,960 --> 01:06:26,920
Speaker 1: I have to get up and change a diaper of

1171
01:06:27,080 --> 01:06:29,840
Speaker 1: my mother and give her medication and take care of

1172
01:06:29,880 --> 01:06:32,560
Speaker 1: her before I take care of myself and run the

1173
01:06:32,600 --> 01:06:37,760
Speaker 1: same program, it feels defeating. Some days when I get

1174
01:06:37,760 --> 01:06:41,000
Speaker 1: in my head and something that I repeat to myself

1175
01:06:41,080 --> 01:06:43,880
Speaker 1: is it feels the same. It feels like I'm gonna

1176
01:06:43,920 --> 01:06:46,400
Speaker 1: do the same things and I know the end of

1177
01:06:46,440 --> 01:06:50,480
Speaker 1: the story, but it's not the same. It feels the same,

1178
01:06:50,520 --> 01:06:52,439
Speaker 1: but it's not the same. It's not the same because

1179
01:06:52,480 --> 01:06:56,600
Speaker 1: today was not yesterday, Today's not tomorrow, and today has

1180
01:06:56,680 --> 01:07:00,400
Speaker 1: in it new possibilities that I can't even imagine. And

1181
01:07:00,400 --> 01:07:04,800
Speaker 1: when I started repeating that to myself, literally, um, life

1182
01:07:04,880 --> 01:07:07,480
Speaker 1: changing me. There's some really beautiful developments coming that I

1183
01:07:07,480 --> 01:07:10,480
Speaker 1: can't talk about right now. But when I opened myself

1184
01:07:10,680 --> 01:07:13,840
Speaker 1: up to that to say, I am open, this feels

1185
01:07:13,880 --> 01:07:16,080
Speaker 1: the same, but it's not the same. Everything that I'm

1186
01:07:16,160 --> 01:07:20,720
Speaker 1: experiencing with my eyes, my nose, my hands, my thoughts

1187
01:07:20,880 --> 01:07:25,560
Speaker 1: feels the same, but it's not the same because there's possibility,

1188
01:07:25,600 --> 01:07:28,720
Speaker 1: there's people that I don't know yet you will love

1189
01:07:28,760 --> 01:07:32,400
Speaker 1: me and take care of me. There's opportunities and miracles

1190
01:07:32,400 --> 01:07:34,640
Speaker 1: and moments that are coming for you that you can't

1191
01:07:34,680 --> 01:07:37,240
Speaker 1: even imagine. You can't even imagine that I haven't experienced before.

1192
01:07:38,200 --> 01:07:39,840
Speaker 1: So I want people to know that it may feel

1193
01:07:39,880 --> 01:07:46,400
Speaker 1: the same, but it's not the same. Curvy Miller, Wow,

1194
01:07:46,600 --> 01:07:49,920
Speaker 1: thank you so much for this conversation. This was an

1195
01:07:49,960 --> 01:07:53,600
Speaker 1: amazing conversation and I am truly blessed by you. I

1196
01:07:53,640 --> 01:07:56,480
Speaker 1: feel the same way. I can't wait for the next one. Yep,

1197
01:07:56,640 --> 01:07:58,920
Speaker 1: so y'all tune in with Kirby. Will be back joining

1198
01:07:58,920 --> 01:08:01,880
Speaker 1: me on Get Real next time. But thank you so

1199
01:08:01,960 --> 01:08:05,280
Speaker 1: much for coming with me on this journey with Kelly's

1200
01:08:05,360 --> 01:08:08,520
Speaker 1: podcast on Velvet's Edge. I had an amazing time getting

1201
01:08:08,520 --> 01:08:11,320
Speaker 1: to step in for her. Thank you um Kelly for

1202
01:08:11,360 --> 01:08:15,000
Speaker 1: trusting me to co host it. And honestly, I just

1203
01:08:15,000 --> 01:08:19,120
Speaker 1: feel like God brought us together Kirby and this was

1204
01:08:19,200 --> 01:08:24,720
Speaker 1: just the most perfect conversation, Like it was just I

1205
01:08:24,880 --> 01:08:28,519
Speaker 1: literally could not I cannot tell you how amazing it

1206
01:08:28,640 --> 01:08:30,839
Speaker 1: was talked to you today, so I know everyone listening

1207
01:08:31,080 --> 01:08:35,000
Speaker 1: felt it, and I'm just blessed to be here. So

1208
01:08:35,080 --> 01:08:37,799
Speaker 1: thank you for joining me. Thank you all right bye.

1209
01:08:38,520 --> 01:08:41,519
Speaker 1: Thanks for listening to The Velvet's Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson,

1210
01:08:41,720 --> 01:08:44,200
Speaker 1: where we believe everyone has a little velvet and a

1211
01:08:44,240 --> 01:08:48,360
Speaker 1: little edge. Subscribe for more conversations on life, style, beauty

1212
01:08:48,439 --> 01:08:52,160
Speaker 1: and relationships. Search Velvet's Edge wherever you get your podcasts.