WEBVTT - Next Chapter Dating w/ Chantal Heide 0:00:01.160 --> 0:00:04.280 Welcome to Go Ask Ali, a production of Shonda Land 0:00:04.320 --> 0:00:08.680 Audio and partnership with I Heart Radio as a stand 0:00:08.760 --> 0:00:10.840 up comedian, of which I am not. I tried it. 0:00:11.039 --> 0:00:15.160 You're hilarious. I've been your fan forever. Hey, you know 0:00:15.240 --> 0:00:17.960 I should say right now, I'm married, so I'm off 0:00:18.000 --> 0:00:20.960 the table. We can do weekends. Get your bullshit detector 0:00:21.040 --> 0:00:24.000 and get it home. Are you mad about something? Go 0:00:24.040 --> 0:00:26.800 out and seek people who are mad about related things, 0:00:26.840 --> 0:00:28.560 and also listen to them if part of what they're 0:00:28.560 --> 0:00:31.400 mad about is you. You actually look for those little 0:00:31.480 --> 0:00:34.840 colonels of hope. Yeah, well that's that's a good stuff. 0:00:34.880 --> 0:00:36.239 I think it is a good stuff, and I think 0:00:36.240 --> 0:00:44.840 we need a good stuff. Always Welcome to Go ask Allie. 0:00:44.920 --> 0:00:47.960 I'm Ali Wentworth and this season I'm digging into everything 0:00:48.000 --> 0:00:50.040 I can get my hands on, just peeling back to 0:00:50.159 --> 0:00:53.000 layers and getting dirty. I don't know about you, but 0:00:53.159 --> 0:00:56.120 I have a bunch of friends who are getting divorced 0:00:56.240 --> 0:00:59.920 right now. Some have children, some don't, some are four 0:01:00.000 --> 0:01:03.320 at the summer sixty. We've also been getting a lot 0:01:03.480 --> 0:01:07.160 of calls and emails from listeners, so you got it. 0:01:07.319 --> 0:01:11.759 This episode is about dating over the age of forty 0:01:11.880 --> 0:01:15.000 now I'm knocking on wood. I've been married for over 0:01:15.040 --> 0:01:18.360 twenty years, and so far, so good, and I have 0:01:18.480 --> 0:01:21.119 a very strong feeling I will be with him till 0:01:21.160 --> 0:01:23.319 I die. But I have had other friends who have 0:01:23.400 --> 0:01:26.920 not had that kind of good luck, and I see 0:01:26.959 --> 0:01:29.280 them now. My gosh, I just saw a friend of mine. 0:01:29.319 --> 0:01:31.560 She came over to my apartment before she went on 0:01:31.600 --> 0:01:36.080 her first app date, and she was shaking. Her hands 0:01:36.080 --> 0:01:38.560 were shaking, and she kept saying, I don't know how 0:01:38.600 --> 0:01:40.040 to do this. I don't know how to do this. 0:01:40.120 --> 0:01:41.399 And I said, of course you don't know how to 0:01:41.440 --> 0:01:44.160 do this. You've been with the same person for twenty 0:01:44.160 --> 0:01:48.040 five years. This is all new territory for you. And 0:01:48.360 --> 0:01:50.760 as she walked out the door to go meet him 0:01:50.760 --> 0:01:53.880 at some Italian restaurant, I thought, thank god, it ainate me. 0:01:54.200 --> 0:01:57.000 But also I wouldn't know how to date right now. 0:01:57.160 --> 0:02:00.240 I would have no idea how to be my age. 0:02:00.520 --> 0:02:03.720 Let's call it fifty and be out in the world 0:02:03.720 --> 0:02:07.440 looking for a partner. So to all the people out 0:02:07.480 --> 0:02:11.040 there over forty dating, this one's for you. My guest 0:02:11.080 --> 0:02:15.920 today is the right person for this conversation. Chantel Hyde 0:02:16.040 --> 0:02:19.040 is an author and expert on dating and relationships. Her 0:02:19.040 --> 0:02:22.239 twelve books and workbooks are meant to guide people through 0:02:22.280 --> 0:02:25.639 all the sticky stuff to get a meaningful relationship. Her 0:02:25.720 --> 0:02:29.080 two best sellers are No More Assholes, which deals with 0:02:29.120 --> 0:02:33.240 the mate vetting process, and Fix That Ship, which focuses 0:02:33.320 --> 0:02:36.760 on emotional healing. She's also the author of Comeback Queen, 0:02:36.880 --> 0:02:39.919 Make a Triumphant Return to Dating after Divorce, which well, 0:02:40.040 --> 0:02:44.440 seems pretty self explanatory. She mixes science and spirituality for 0:02:44.520 --> 0:02:50.880 the basis of her expertise. Chantal Hide, Hello, Ali, Hello, 0:02:50.960 --> 0:02:53.079 thank you so much for being here. I know that 0:02:53.160 --> 0:02:55.280 you're due for a make out with your husband any 0:02:55.320 --> 0:02:57.560 time now, so thank you for giving me the time. 0:02:58.280 --> 0:03:01.640 It's kiss o'clock at five o'clock. Okay, got it, got it. 0:03:01.919 --> 0:03:07.359 So I'm sort of contemplating this whole idea of dating 0:03:07.400 --> 0:03:10.800 over forty and not for myself, but I have suddenly 0:03:10.880 --> 0:03:15.120 found that so many of my friends are getting divorced, 0:03:15.160 --> 0:03:19.840 are divorced, some haven't been married yet. Now, when I 0:03:19.880 --> 0:03:24.400 was first dating my husband George, dating apps weren't really 0:03:24.440 --> 0:03:27.200 a thing. This is over twenty years ago, so I 0:03:27.360 --> 0:03:31.440 never experienced the dating app situation. You know, everybody that 0:03:31.600 --> 0:03:35.080 got into relationships met because somebody set them up, or 0:03:35.120 --> 0:03:37.440 they met somebody at a bar, and now it's a 0:03:37.520 --> 0:03:42.000 completely different world. And I have one very good friend 0:03:42.400 --> 0:03:45.560 who just got out of a twenty five year marriage 0:03:45.640 --> 0:03:48.760 who's never been on a dating app, and she's pulling 0:03:48.800 --> 0:03:50.960 her hair out. I don't know which app to go on. 0:03:51.200 --> 0:03:54.080 I don't know what I'm looking for. So you are 0:03:54.160 --> 0:03:58.160 here to guide all the women and men over forty 0:03:58.280 --> 0:04:02.200 in this new world dating in your next chapter or 0:04:02.240 --> 0:04:05.840 your second half of your life. I am guiding them, honestly, 0:04:06.000 --> 0:04:11.280 from teenage years until seventies. You know, people, last Is 0:04:11.320 --> 0:04:13.360 this for me if I'm gay? Is this for me? 0:04:13.520 --> 0:04:15.920 If I'm younger, if I'm twenties, is for me if 0:04:15.960 --> 0:04:18.680 I'm sixty? And I say yes, because it's logic, and 0:04:18.720 --> 0:04:22.680 logic is ageless, and logic doesn't care who you love. Well, 0:04:23.000 --> 0:04:26.720 that's good because I haven't eighty eight year old mother 0:04:27.320 --> 0:04:30.920 who just went to independent living and somebody slipped a 0:04:30.960 --> 0:04:33.720 little note under her door, and I thought, well, it's 0:04:33.800 --> 0:04:38.120 never too late, right. It is rampant in these homes, 0:04:38.160 --> 0:04:40.640 by the way, because listen, this is like, this is it, 0:04:40.800 --> 0:04:44.239 This is our last chance? And here I am alone again, 0:04:44.279 --> 0:04:46.400 maybe we have a lot of widows, a lot of widowers, 0:04:46.880 --> 0:04:49.880 and they're not dead yet, and they're going, hey, like, 0:04:50.120 --> 0:04:51.920 I still have some life in me, and I still 0:04:51.960 --> 0:04:54.120 have some love to give, and I still have a 0:04:54.160 --> 0:04:57.840 desire for affection. So they're very much seeking each other 0:04:57.839 --> 0:05:01.000 out in nursing homes. No, I would think opanionship is 0:05:01.360 --> 0:05:04.560 really key. You know, I would want it to my 0:05:04.640 --> 0:05:09.760 last breath, for sure. So let's pretend that I've recently 0:05:09.839 --> 0:05:13.799 had a very difficult divorce. And let me ask you, Chantel, 0:05:13.960 --> 0:05:17.760 do you tell people who are divorced to wait and 0:05:18.000 --> 0:05:21.440 at any point before they start dating. So here's the thing. 0:05:21.560 --> 0:05:26.040 There's no required grieving period. There's no required shelving yourself 0:05:26.080 --> 0:05:28.839 after a breakup. More often than not, a breakup or 0:05:28.839 --> 0:05:34.320 a divorce is a formality. The relationship has already been over. Yes, 0:05:34.400 --> 0:05:37.200 I would say that about my parents because I was 0:05:37.279 --> 0:05:39.920 one when they got divorced, and I can't imagine that 0:05:40.440 --> 0:05:43.240 I wasn't cute enough to keep them together. And of 0:05:43.279 --> 0:05:45.680 course I found out years later they were not in 0:05:45.720 --> 0:05:48.760 a good place even before I was conceived. But okay, 0:05:48.800 --> 0:05:52.720 so I'm let's say fifty, and I don't know where 0:05:52.760 --> 0:05:56.680 to start because everybody I know is married, so how 0:05:56.720 --> 0:05:59.880 am I going to meet my partner? So dating apps 0:05:59.839 --> 0:06:02.760 a great place because it brings in a science we 0:06:02.839 --> 0:06:05.800 call the law of averages, which means, if it's going 0:06:05.839 --> 0:06:07.720 to be a hundred people, if you need to meet 0:06:07.720 --> 0:06:10.240 a hundred people before you meet your one, If you're 0:06:10.240 --> 0:06:12.800 meeting one person a week, it takes you longer. If 0:06:12.800 --> 0:06:15.000 you meeting one person a day, it takes you less time. 0:06:15.360 --> 0:06:19.479 If you're exposing yourself to tend people a day, it 0:06:19.600 --> 0:06:23.320 takes you less time. Whatever your magic number is, the 0:06:23.480 --> 0:06:27.000 more out there you get, the faster you get to 0:06:27.240 --> 0:06:31.080 your person. When you say exposing yourself to tend people, 0:06:31.279 --> 0:06:34.880 I'm assuming that doesn't mean showing your boy. I read 0:06:34.880 --> 0:06:37.119 your mind. I've read your mind. I saw that flash 0:06:37.160 --> 0:06:40.120 through your brain right there. But what do you mean 0:06:40.240 --> 0:06:43.240 like just just doing an online hello? How are you 0:06:43.360 --> 0:06:47.080 like a greeting? Getting online and creating a presence. And 0:06:47.160 --> 0:06:51.720 I understand that the biggest challenge to people online, especially women, 0:06:51.920 --> 0:06:55.240 and especially women who have spent twenty five years in 0:06:55.279 --> 0:06:59.120 a relationship and are now coming into this environment is 0:06:59.200 --> 0:07:02.719 this scammer and the guys who are fishing for sex 0:07:02.920 --> 0:07:05.400 people who don't want a relationship but are just looking 0:07:05.400 --> 0:07:08.479 for hook ups. And so what we need to do 0:07:08.680 --> 0:07:13.040 is understand how to facilitate online dating for women because 0:07:13.280 --> 0:07:16.520 it can be so very overwhelming. The guys are looking 0:07:16.600 --> 0:07:22.320 for anybody, and so if you go online, you are 0:07:22.440 --> 0:07:24.640 guaranteed to get a lot of people who are just 0:07:24.680 --> 0:07:27.119 looking for sex. And so one thing that I teach 0:07:27.120 --> 0:07:29.520 women how to do is how to create a profile 0:07:29.960 --> 0:07:34.880 that signals very clearly I am relationship minded. Because often 0:07:35.000 --> 0:07:37.120 we think I have to look pretty, I have to 0:07:37.160 --> 0:07:40.320 look sexy in order to attract somebody. But you are 0:07:40.360 --> 0:07:42.920 attracting the ones who were looking for a hook up, 0:07:43.480 --> 0:07:46.600 maybe not necessarily the ones who are looking for a relationship. 0:07:47.160 --> 0:07:51.920 And so if you portray yourself not sexy, but doing 0:07:52.080 --> 0:07:54.200 something you want to do with the person you want 0:07:54.280 --> 0:07:57.840 to be with. I want to travel with my future partner, 0:07:57.880 --> 0:07:59.880 I want to go camping, I want to go to 0:08:00.040 --> 0:08:03.000 baseball games because I'm a fan of a particular team. 0:08:03.600 --> 0:08:07.239 Show yourself doing what you want to do with your partner. 0:08:07.320 --> 0:08:10.480 Because we want to create familiarity, we want to create 0:08:10.520 --> 0:08:13.680 connection with that first picture, not I'm wanting to be 0:08:13.760 --> 0:08:16.440 looked at. It's look at me. I want somebody to 0:08:16.520 --> 0:08:19.280 do this with. And the person who is looking for 0:08:19.320 --> 0:08:24.240 a partner looking through pictures that initial picture, they're gonna say, oh, 0:08:24.360 --> 0:08:27.280 I do that and she's cute. I want to do 0:08:27.320 --> 0:08:30.440 that with her. Let me read her bio. And then 0:08:30.440 --> 0:08:32.720 what we do is we create a bio that is 0:08:32.880 --> 0:08:36.960 kick ass. It makes them smile. They love who they 0:08:36.960 --> 0:08:40.960 are in their bio. And so once you've selected that picture, 0:08:41.000 --> 0:08:43.040 that's not a sexy picture, but you're doing what you 0:08:43.040 --> 0:08:44.679 want to do with your future partner, and you add 0:08:44.679 --> 0:08:46.520 some more in there. This is me cute, this is 0:08:46.559 --> 0:08:48.840 a body shot, like show them who you are. But 0:08:48.880 --> 0:08:52.079 that initial picture shouldn't be a thirst trap. When they 0:08:52.120 --> 0:08:55.160 get into your bio and they read your bio, it 0:08:55.200 --> 0:08:58.360 should trigger more in them. And so the next step 0:08:58.400 --> 0:09:01.800 for women is don't respond to anybody who doesn't make 0:09:01.840 --> 0:09:05.160 it obvious that they've read your bio. This is how 0:09:05.200 --> 0:09:08.800 we eliminate wasting time with the copy pasts. And one 0:09:08.800 --> 0:09:10.080 of the things that I said, I have a lot 0:09:10.120 --> 0:09:13.400 of isms, shuntile isms, and something that I say is 0:09:13.440 --> 0:09:16.520 I'm not looking for somebody's looking for somebody. I'm looking 0:09:16.520 --> 0:09:19.240 for somebody who's looking for me. And so if you 0:09:19.360 --> 0:09:21.480 only reply to the people who respond to what you 0:09:21.480 --> 0:09:24.640 wrote in your bio, you understand I think this person 0:09:24.720 --> 0:09:27.880 is looking for me. How do you decide which which 0:09:27.920 --> 0:09:31.360 app to go on? I mean, bumble the harmony grinder. 0:09:32.200 --> 0:09:35.640 My advice is to get on as many dating apps 0:09:35.679 --> 0:09:39.000 as you can handle. But because you're following the rule 0:09:39.000 --> 0:09:41.560 of only replying to people who make it obviously read 0:09:41.600 --> 0:09:44.560 your profile and not wasting your time with anybody else, 0:09:45.120 --> 0:09:47.400 you are reducing the amount of time you spend on 0:09:47.440 --> 0:09:51.520 each one. Okay, all right, that's good to know. Um. So, 0:09:51.559 --> 0:09:54.960 since you kind of, you know, delved into this world 0:09:55.000 --> 0:09:57.720 of maybe they want you for sex, I worry about 0:09:57.760 --> 0:10:02.120 that too, because there was something out certain women I've met, 0:10:02.760 --> 0:10:06.320 certain shows that I watched, and I think older women 0:10:06.440 --> 0:10:12.280 who are particularly lonely, are susceptible to that kind of swindling, 0:10:12.480 --> 0:10:15.880 you know, which basically men or women who come in 0:10:16.640 --> 0:10:19.200 and are able to get a great amount of money 0:10:19.200 --> 0:10:21.040 out of you while they kind of pull out your 0:10:21.040 --> 0:10:23.840 heart strings, you know, they get you invested in the relationship, 0:10:23.880 --> 0:10:25.640 they tell you they love you, and then suddenly you're 0:10:25.640 --> 0:10:28.599 writing them checks. These are predators and they prey on 0:10:28.720 --> 0:10:32.800 people who are weak, and weak people in my language 0:10:32.800 --> 0:10:35.360 are people who don't have a strong tribe, who don't 0:10:35.400 --> 0:10:37.680 have people in their life who go, oh, I'm seeing 0:10:37.720 --> 0:10:39.800 some red flags that you're not seeing. Just you need 0:10:39.840 --> 0:10:43.800 to not go down this particular route. And so I 0:10:43.840 --> 0:10:46.559 wrote a book called Fake Left Me Not Apply because 0:10:46.640 --> 0:10:50.719 I want people to understand that there's posers, losers, gammeras, predators, 0:10:51.200 --> 0:10:54.520 catfish out there who will take advantage of you. It's 0:10:54.600 --> 0:10:59.200 important to not fall for somebody long distance. It's it's 0:10:59.520 --> 0:11:01.400 it's going to happen for some of us for sure, 0:11:01.920 --> 0:11:07.360 but try not to because we crave companionship. That's why 0:11:07.400 --> 0:11:11.079 we're looking for love, and companionship is somebody who can 0:11:11.080 --> 0:11:13.360 be in our life to comfort us. Is somebody who 0:11:13.400 --> 0:11:15.280 can be with us and go to dinner with us, 0:11:15.640 --> 0:11:17.920 and cuttle with us and watch a movie. To me, 0:11:18.160 --> 0:11:22.680 I think the romantics have a tendency the idealism of 0:11:22.960 --> 0:11:28.040 companionship and relationships. They seem to be more susceptible to, Oh, 0:11:28.080 --> 0:11:31.160 I'm in love and I'll give him everything or her everything. 0:11:31.960 --> 0:11:34.439 Is it the romantics or is it the lonely who 0:11:34.480 --> 0:11:38.520 are more susceptible to falling for people who cannot be 0:11:38.760 --> 0:11:43.040 close to them because they're thinking, I can't find somebody here, 0:11:43.120 --> 0:11:44.959 so maybe somebody over there is going to give me 0:11:45.000 --> 0:11:47.000 the companionship that I want. And then we fall for 0:11:47.040 --> 0:11:49.600 what I call the castle in the sky, which is 0:11:49.679 --> 0:11:52.199 the dream that they've created in our mind, the story 0:11:52.280 --> 0:11:55.680 that we want to have come true. And I feel 0:11:55.720 --> 0:11:58.199 like it's really important to not fall for somebody over 0:11:58.280 --> 0:12:02.079 long distance because we do crave this companionship and we 0:12:02.240 --> 0:12:04.800 define it as our tribe. The people who are close 0:12:04.840 --> 0:12:06.800 to us, the people that we can see, we can touch, 0:12:06.840 --> 0:12:09.120 we can spend time with, we can have a meal with. 0:12:09.679 --> 0:12:12.400 And if if we're going to fall for somebody over 0:12:12.440 --> 0:12:16.280 a long distance, then the next protection mode that we 0:12:16.320 --> 0:12:18.760 should have is to not fall for somebody we can't 0:12:18.840 --> 0:12:23.040 face time with. If somebody doesn't have the ability quote 0:12:23.120 --> 0:12:26.080 unquote here to get on a phone call to do 0:12:26.240 --> 0:12:29.360 face time with us, then maybe there's a red flag 0:12:29.440 --> 0:12:32.120 right there. So, speaking of scamming, I have a friend 0:12:32.280 --> 0:12:36.800 who has been online dating and she started face timing 0:12:36.840 --> 0:12:39.559 with somebody. They had a lot in common. They would 0:12:39.920 --> 0:12:43.679 play scrabble online together while they faced each other, they 0:12:43.720 --> 0:12:47.400 had wine, and finally when she met him, in person, 0:12:48.280 --> 0:12:52.840 he was half the size of her, and she was 0:12:53.200 --> 0:12:56.200 shocked and felt bad that she was that she was 0:12:56.320 --> 0:13:00.000 kind of being superficial. I guess you know. She got 0:13:00.040 --> 0:13:03.440 along with him really well, but it's very hard when 0:13:03.480 --> 0:13:06.200 you meet somebody online and you face time with them 0:13:06.760 --> 0:13:10.439 to get a real sense of what they look like, 0:13:10.520 --> 0:13:16.440 I either height, or their weight or their smell. And 0:13:16.880 --> 0:13:20.520 she was really taken aback and she felt somehow that 0:13:20.600 --> 0:13:23.120 he should have told her. And I'm wondering if you 0:13:23.200 --> 0:13:26.640 hear that a lot. It falls into the category of 0:13:27.160 --> 0:13:31.880 what we commonly know people want. And it's a common 0:13:32.440 --> 0:13:36.559 knowledge that women typically want to date somebody who's taller 0:13:36.640 --> 0:13:40.280 than them because we like to tilt up for the kiss. 0:13:40.320 --> 0:13:44.360 And it's common knowledge among men that if you're a 0:13:44.360 --> 0:13:50.440 certain height or lower, you have reduced opportunities with women 0:13:50.480 --> 0:13:54.280 because you're not. You know, there's an average height, and 0:13:54.640 --> 0:13:57.760 you would want somebody to disclose that. Hey, by the way, 0:13:57.760 --> 0:14:00.600 I five five, yeah, yeah, it's hey. By the way, 0:14:00.640 --> 0:14:02.959 I mean you always see me from the waist up 0:14:03.000 --> 0:14:05.000 because we faced time. But hey, by the way, I'm 0:14:05.000 --> 0:14:10.120 an amputee. Like say, something that is different about you 0:14:10.280 --> 0:14:14.160 from the norm, And would you say something that's different 0:14:14.160 --> 0:14:17.240 about you from the norm right away? Or would you 0:14:17.320 --> 0:14:21.240 wait to have a few conversations until you felt they 0:14:21.280 --> 0:14:24.360 really saw you and then you sort of sit and 0:14:24.400 --> 0:14:27.200 by the way, dot dot dot, I would have a 0:14:27.240 --> 0:14:30.600 few conversations because I don't think we need to be superficial, 0:14:31.560 --> 0:14:34.040 but we do need to let people make an educated 0:14:34.080 --> 0:14:37.320 decision about us. So, like, let's just say it was 0:14:37.560 --> 0:14:40.600 an STD. And I'm not saying height is an STD. 0:14:40.720 --> 0:14:43.600 I'm not saying that, but I'm saying there's the norm 0:14:43.760 --> 0:14:46.680 and there's outside the norm. If you are outside the 0:14:46.680 --> 0:14:49.800 norm in any way, shape or form, then disclose that 0:14:49.960 --> 0:14:54.720 at some point. Wow, the STD thing, how soon should 0:14:54.760 --> 0:14:59.360 somebody disclose that? I mean in person or online? I 0:14:59.400 --> 0:15:02.760 think that's an important thing, right. I don't think it's 0:15:02.800 --> 0:15:05.840 important to disclose until you figure out whether or not 0:15:05.880 --> 0:15:08.280 you actually like each other. Right, and if you're going 0:15:08.360 --> 0:15:12.200 to be physical, there's there's a timeline for me with that. 0:15:12.600 --> 0:15:15.640 It's um. You know, we we start chatting, we get 0:15:15.680 --> 0:15:18.480 along well enough, we have a date, we talk about 0:15:18.480 --> 0:15:21.400 fundamental values, those things that need to align marriage, kids. 0:15:21.800 --> 0:15:23.800 If we are aligning there, then we talk about the 0:15:23.840 --> 0:15:26.320 no kissing for three months dating rule. I don't want 0:15:26.320 --> 0:15:28.000 to kiss a stranger. I don't want to commit to 0:15:28.040 --> 0:15:29.760 a stranger. If I want to kiss a stranger, I'll 0:15:29.800 --> 0:15:32.080 go have a hook up. But when I'm choosing a committed, 0:15:32.080 --> 0:15:33.880 a long term relationship, I'm not going to choose at 0:15:33.920 --> 0:15:36.040 the same way I choose a hook up. And if 0:15:36.080 --> 0:15:37.960 you're on board for the no kissing for three months 0:15:38.040 --> 0:15:41.600 dating rule, here's something you should know about me. Let's 0:15:41.600 --> 0:15:44.240 talk about the no kissing dating role that you have. 0:15:44.440 --> 0:15:47.960 You're saying no one should kiss for three months. Three 0:15:48.000 --> 0:15:50.960 months seems like a long time to me. I'm saying, 0:15:51.200 --> 0:15:55.160 I do believe that there is such thing as luck 0:15:55.280 --> 0:15:58.240 and intuition, and so this is a technique for the 0:15:58.280 --> 0:16:02.120 people who have had bad luck and don't have good intuition. 0:16:02.760 --> 0:16:08.560 And so, like me, one after another, the relationships were bad. 0:16:08.760 --> 0:16:11.640 It was the you know, the abuser and the cheater, 0:16:11.840 --> 0:16:14.840 and the cheater for the most obvious of reasons. My 0:16:14.920 --> 0:16:18.160 mom was abusive. Repeat what's familiar, even if it's wrong 0:16:18.240 --> 0:16:21.280 for us. And there are so many like me. I 0:16:21.320 --> 0:16:24.560 am common. I am so common, And so if you 0:16:24.600 --> 0:16:27.280 don't have good luck or good intuition, then you need 0:16:27.320 --> 0:16:30.120 a new method, and that new method is knowledge and insight, 0:16:30.720 --> 0:16:33.440 and you eliminate a lot of those wrong people with 0:16:33.480 --> 0:16:36.160 the no kissing for three months dating role because selfish 0:16:36.160 --> 0:16:39.360 short term thinkers want what they want when they want it. 0:16:39.800 --> 0:16:43.320 They lack patients, they lack impulse control, and these are 0:16:43.320 --> 0:16:46.080 the types you need to eliminate when you were looking 0:16:46.160 --> 0:16:49.320 for the right partner. What if you are dating somebody 0:16:49.480 --> 0:16:53.320 and you both feel it, you both want to rip 0:16:53.360 --> 0:16:56.560 each other's clothes off, then go for it right. Well, 0:16:56.600 --> 0:16:58.880 here's the thing. If you wait three months for a 0:16:58.880 --> 0:17:02.160 first kiss and that feeling goes away, it was a 0:17:02.160 --> 0:17:04.640 flash in the pan. Good thing I didn't kiss them. 0:17:04.680 --> 0:17:07.520 If it's not a flash in the pan, what happens 0:17:07.520 --> 0:17:09.800 to that chemistry? You and I both know it builds 0:17:09.800 --> 0:17:13.000 and builds and builds and builds and builds. So there 0:17:13.040 --> 0:17:15.119 seems to be a B C in an a D 0:17:15.280 --> 0:17:18.600 when it comes to the kiss, the kiss being the 0:17:18.600 --> 0:17:22.040 great messiah. So tell me about that. Why is there 0:17:22.119 --> 0:17:27.000 so much importance placed on when the lips touch? Oh 0:17:27.040 --> 0:17:31.719 my goodness, So there is a subconscious understanding on the 0:17:31.800 --> 0:17:34.440 mass part that when they get your kiss, they get 0:17:34.480 --> 0:17:38.600 your exclusivity, and so they want to get that kiss 0:17:38.600 --> 0:17:43.840 in a s a peep, so you turn away other suitors. 0:17:44.000 --> 0:17:46.280 But it doesn't mean they want a relationship. It means 0:17:46.320 --> 0:17:48.359 they want our bodies and they don't want other people 0:17:48.440 --> 0:17:50.440 to have access. So the no kissing for three months 0:17:50.520 --> 0:17:52.840 day to rule will help you eliminate the ones who 0:17:52.840 --> 0:17:54.800 only want the body, because if they're not getting the 0:17:54.800 --> 0:17:58.120 body when they want, right, and that's the selfish short 0:17:58.200 --> 0:18:00.520 term thinker. I want what I want when I want it. 0:18:01.080 --> 0:18:03.119 If they're not going to get it, then they're going 0:18:03.160 --> 0:18:06.040 to move on. So we go, thank you for taking 0:18:06.040 --> 0:18:09.640 yourself out of the equation. But there's some more to that, 0:18:09.920 --> 0:18:13.200 and it's fennel ethylamine. So we know oxytocin is the 0:18:13.240 --> 0:18:16.280 warm fuzzy that happens when we cuddle. We know seratonin 0:18:16.440 --> 0:18:19.080 is the happy that's um actually produced in our gup 0:18:19.119 --> 0:18:21.280 by the way, I always eat a healthy whole foods um. 0:18:21.359 --> 0:18:24.240 And we know dopamine is the reward chemical. And so 0:18:24.600 --> 0:18:26.679 there's a heightening in this regardless of whether or not 0:18:26.720 --> 0:18:29.240 we kiss, because mother nature wants us to procreate if 0:18:29.280 --> 0:18:33.400 we introduce that kiss. In addition to the heightened oxytocin, serotonin, 0:18:33.440 --> 0:18:38.520 dopamine when we add fennel ethylamine. When we kiss testosterone, 0:18:38.600 --> 0:18:41.160 it's carried from the male saliva into the female's mouth. 0:18:41.800 --> 0:18:45.360 When you get that infusion of testosterone, our heart rate 0:18:45.400 --> 0:18:49.440 goes up. We produce fennel ethylamine. It is an aphrodisac 0:18:49.560 --> 0:18:54.400 and amphetamine and an antidepressant. Are you going to put 0:18:54.400 --> 0:18:58.040 yourself on crack in the presence of somebody that you 0:18:58.080 --> 0:19:01.159 don't even know? No, so why are we going to 0:19:01.240 --> 0:19:05.000 put ourselves in a chemical high that makes us misread 0:19:05.160 --> 0:19:08.320 flags with people we don't even know when choosing a 0:19:08.440 --> 0:19:13.040 committed long term partner. That's why prostitutes don't kiss, right 0:19:13.240 --> 0:19:16.720 if I've learned anything from Julia robertson Pretty Woman, because 0:19:17.000 --> 0:19:21.760 then you feel too attached emotionally. Kissing is more intimate 0:19:21.800 --> 0:19:27.399 than sex, and even men will say so yeah, and 0:19:27.560 --> 0:19:39.520 it's time for a short break. Great, let's get back 0:19:39.560 --> 0:19:43.439 to it. I want to go back to This is 0:19:43.480 --> 0:19:48.280 obviously fun for me. Um. When you see somebody online, 0:19:48.400 --> 0:19:51.480 at what point is it safe enough to bring them 0:19:51.520 --> 0:19:55.720 into your home. I don't like to say a certain 0:19:55.840 --> 0:19:59.679 number of dates because it is a vibe check, but 0:20:00.040 --> 0:20:03.200 should be you know, like you you've had some chats online, 0:20:03.560 --> 0:20:06.160 been taxed you back forth, you have some bone conversations. 0:20:06.720 --> 0:20:09.879 Then you move into beverage in a walk. Okay, beverage 0:20:09.880 --> 0:20:12.320 in a walk. See I didn't know that. Yeah, okay, 0:20:12.480 --> 0:20:16.080 public public, public, public, public, public. You do a couple 0:20:16.119 --> 0:20:20.040 of those though, that's another vibe check level. During those 0:20:20.040 --> 0:20:24.639 beveragin walks, you're gonna talk about fundamental values. Are we aligned? Marriage? Kids? 0:20:24.960 --> 0:20:27.640 If it's not aligned and a story, move on, don't 0:20:27.680 --> 0:20:29.439 fall for some reason not aligned with what it is 0:20:29.440 --> 0:20:32.280 that you want for yourself. If they are aligned, then 0:20:32.280 --> 0:20:34.240 you move into the conversation. But they're no kissing for 0:20:34.280 --> 0:20:36.920 three months dayly role? Do they respect me? You would 0:20:36.920 --> 0:20:41.840 be shocked how many people ghost or just outright disrespect 0:20:41.840 --> 0:20:44.280 to one moan when she says, I am setting the 0:20:44.320 --> 0:20:47.000 pace and I'm not going to kiss someone I don't 0:20:47.040 --> 0:20:49.520 know and then find out their ship. That's not what 0:20:49.640 --> 0:20:53.159 I want to do. So if somebody doesn't respect a 0:20:53.280 --> 0:20:56.840 no kissing for three months boundary and the story right, 0:20:57.080 --> 0:21:01.359 so you know, I would say maybe after six you know, 0:21:01.480 --> 0:21:04.080 two beverages in a walk before it get together. So 0:21:04.119 --> 0:21:06.760 otherwise couple of meals go bowling, they'll catch a show 0:21:06.880 --> 0:21:10.520 or something, and and just see if they said they 0:21:10.560 --> 0:21:13.200 respect they no kissing for three months dating rule. Are 0:21:13.320 --> 0:21:16.920 they trying to get that kiss in? Because if they are, 0:21:17.160 --> 0:21:19.960 they paid lip service to respect you. They don't actually 0:21:20.000 --> 0:21:23.240 respect you, So don't go to their house. So it's 0:21:23.280 --> 0:21:25.639 interesting because I think the older we get, you know, 0:21:25.720 --> 0:21:29.840 some of us get very jaded about relationships. And I 0:21:29.840 --> 0:21:32.720 think the older you get, the more set in your 0:21:32.760 --> 0:21:36.399 ways you are. And how do you speak to people 0:21:36.480 --> 0:21:40.879 who are older now? But they want to be in 0:21:40.920 --> 0:21:45.280 a relationship, So you know, that takes patience, it takes 0:21:45.440 --> 0:21:49.840 the ability to compromise. And again, the older they get, 0:21:49.880 --> 0:21:53.240 it's harder to do that, So do it your way. 0:21:53.400 --> 0:21:56.359 Who says you have to live together? And this is 0:21:56.400 --> 0:22:00.680 the beautiful thing that we're seeing emerging is women either saying, look, 0:22:00.720 --> 0:22:03.720 I'm done with relationships period because I'm done with the 0:22:03.840 --> 0:22:06.960 bending to fit someone else. I'm done with taking care 0:22:07.000 --> 0:22:10.600 of other people. I'm done with complicating my life by 0:22:10.600 --> 0:22:15.040 adding an additional person who needs more time, attention thinking 0:22:15.280 --> 0:22:18.280 on my part. And so there's there's those people who 0:22:18.280 --> 0:22:20.359 are just like, piece out on the whole deal altogether, 0:22:20.640 --> 0:22:22.159 and then there's people are like, I'm just gonna do 0:22:22.200 --> 0:22:26.960 it my way, and they have long term relationships, like 0:22:27.000 --> 0:22:29.280 they met somebody in their fifties there in their eighties. 0:22:29.320 --> 0:22:33.439 They're not living together, they're not melding households. They're just 0:22:33.640 --> 0:22:35.880