Speaker 1: Welcome to Go Ask Ali, a production of Shonda Land
Speaker 1: Audio and partnership with I Heart Radio as a stand
Speaker 1: up comedian, of which I am not. I tried it.
Speaker 1: You're hilarious. I've been your fan forever. Hey, you know
Speaker 1: I should say right now, I'm married, so I'm off
Speaker 1: the table. We can do weekends. Get your bullshit detector
Speaker 1: and get it home. Are you mad about something? Go
Speaker 1: out and seek people who are mad about related things,
Speaker 1: and also listen to them if part of what they're
Speaker 1: mad about is you. You actually look for those little
Speaker 1: colonels of hope. Yeah, well that's that's a good stuff.
Speaker 1: I think it is a good stuff, and I think
Speaker 1: we need a good stuff. Always Welcome to Go ask Allie.
Speaker 1: I'm Ali Wentworth and this season I'm digging into everything
Speaker 1: I can get my hands on, just peeling back to
Speaker 1: layers and getting dirty. I don't know about you, but
Speaker 1: I have a bunch of friends who are getting divorced
Speaker 1: right now. Some have children, some don't, some are four
Speaker 1: at the summer sixty. We've also been getting a lot
Speaker 1: of calls and emails from listeners, so you got it.
Speaker 1: This episode is about dating over the age of forty
Speaker 1: now I'm knocking on wood. I've been married for over
Speaker 1: twenty years, and so far, so good, and I have
Speaker 1: a very strong feeling I will be with him till
Speaker 1: I die. But I have had other friends who have
Speaker 1: not had that kind of good luck, and I see
Speaker 1: them now. My gosh, I just saw a friend of mine.
Speaker 1: She came over to my apartment before she went on
Speaker 1: her first app date, and she was shaking. Her hands
Speaker 1: were shaking, and she kept saying, I don't know how
Speaker 1: to do this. I don't know how to do this.
Speaker 1: And I said, of course you don't know how to
Speaker 1: do this. You've been with the same person for twenty
Speaker 1: five years. This is all new territory for you. And
Speaker 1: as she walked out the door to go meet him
Speaker 1: at some Italian restaurant, I thought, thank god, it ainate me.
Speaker 1: But also I wouldn't know how to date right now.
Speaker 1: I would have no idea how to be my age.
Speaker 1: Let's call it fifty and be out in the world
Speaker 1: looking for a partner. So to all the people out
Speaker 1: there over forty dating, this one's for you. My guest
Speaker 1: today is the right person for this conversation. Chantel Hyde
Speaker 1: is an author and expert on dating and relationships. Her
Speaker 1: twelve books and workbooks are meant to guide people through
Speaker 1: all the sticky stuff to get a meaningful relationship. Her
Speaker 1: two best sellers are No More Assholes, which deals with
Speaker 1: the mate vetting process, and Fix That Ship, which focuses
Speaker 1: on emotional healing. She's also the author of Comeback Queen,
Speaker 1: Make a Triumphant Return to Dating after Divorce, which well,
Speaker 1: seems pretty self explanatory. She mixes science and spirituality for
Speaker 1: the basis of her expertise. Chantal Hide, Hello, Ali, Hello,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for being here. I know that
Speaker 1: you're due for a make out with your husband any
Speaker 1: time now, so thank you for giving me the time.
Speaker 1: It's kiss o'clock at five o'clock. Okay, got it, got it.
Speaker 1: So I'm sort of contemplating this whole idea of dating
Speaker 1: over forty and not for myself, but I have suddenly
Speaker 1: found that so many of my friends are getting divorced,
Speaker 1: are divorced, some haven't been married yet. Now, when I
Speaker 1: was first dating my husband George, dating apps weren't really
Speaker 1: a thing. This is over twenty years ago, so I
Speaker 1: never experienced the dating app situation. You know, everybody that
Speaker 1: got into relationships met because somebody set them up, or
Speaker 1: they met somebody at a bar, and now it's a
Speaker 1: completely different world. And I have one very good friend
Speaker 1: who just got out of a twenty five year marriage
Speaker 1: who's never been on a dating app, and she's pulling
Speaker 1: her hair out. I don't know which app to go on.
Speaker 1: I don't know what I'm looking for. So you are
Speaker 1: here to guide all the women and men over forty
Speaker 1: in this new world dating in your next chapter or
Speaker 1: your second half of your life. I am guiding them, honestly,
Speaker 1: from teenage years until seventies. You know, people, last Is
Speaker 1: this for me if I'm gay? Is this for me?
Speaker 1: If I'm younger, if I'm twenties, is for me if
Speaker 1: I'm sixty? And I say yes, because it's logic, and
Speaker 1: logic is ageless, and logic doesn't care who you love. Well,
Speaker 1: that's good because I haven't eighty eight year old mother
Speaker 1: who just went to independent living and somebody slipped a
Speaker 1: little note under her door, and I thought, well, it's
Speaker 1: never too late, right. It is rampant in these homes,
Speaker 1: by the way, because listen, this is like, this is it,
Speaker 1: This is our last chance? And here I am alone again,
Speaker 1: maybe we have a lot of widows, a lot of widowers,
Speaker 1: and they're not dead yet, and they're going, hey, like,
Speaker 1: I still have some life in me, and I still
Speaker 1: have some love to give, and I still have a
Speaker 1: desire for affection. So they're very much seeking each other
Speaker 1: out in nursing homes. No, I would think opanionship is
Speaker 1: really key. You know, I would want it to my
Speaker 1: last breath, for sure. So let's pretend that I've recently
Speaker 1: had a very difficult divorce. And let me ask you, Chantel,
Speaker 1: do you tell people who are divorced to wait and
Speaker 1: at any point before they start dating. So here's the thing.
Speaker 1: There's no required grieving period. There's no required shelving yourself
Speaker 1: after a breakup. More often than not, a breakup or
Speaker 1: a divorce is a formality. The relationship has already been over. Yes,
Speaker 1: I would say that about my parents because I was
Speaker 1: one when they got divorced, and I can't imagine that
Speaker 1: I wasn't cute enough to keep them together. And of
Speaker 1: course I found out years later they were not in
Speaker 1: a good place even before I was conceived. But okay,
Speaker 1: so I'm let's say fifty, and I don't know where
Speaker 1: to start because everybody I know is married, so how
Speaker 1: am I going to meet my partner? So dating apps
Speaker 1: a great place because it brings in a science we
Speaker 1: call the law of averages, which means, if it's going
Speaker 1: to be a hundred people, if you need to meet
Speaker 1: a hundred people before you meet your one, If you're
Speaker 1: meeting one person a week, it takes you longer. If
Speaker 1: you meeting one person a day, it takes you less time.
Speaker 1: If you're exposing yourself to tend people a day, it
Speaker 1: takes you less time. Whatever your magic number is, the
Speaker 1: more out there you get, the faster you get to
Speaker 1: your person. When you say exposing yourself to tend people,
Speaker 1: I'm assuming that doesn't mean showing your boy. I read
Speaker 1: your mind. I've read your mind. I saw that flash
Speaker 1: through your brain right there. But what do you mean
Speaker 1: like just just doing an online hello? How are you
Speaker 1: like a greeting? Getting online and creating a presence. And
Speaker 1: I understand that the biggest challenge to people online, especially women,
Speaker 1: and especially women who have spent twenty five years in
Speaker 1: a relationship and are now coming into this environment is
Speaker 1: this scammer and the guys who are fishing for sex
Speaker 1: people who don't want a relationship but are just looking
Speaker 1: for hook ups. And so what we need to do
Speaker 1: is understand how to facilitate online dating for women because
Speaker 1: it can be so very overwhelming. The guys are looking
Speaker 1: for anybody, and so if you go online, you are
Speaker 1: guaranteed to get a lot of people who are just
Speaker 1: looking for sex. And so one thing that I teach
Speaker 1: women how to do is how to create a profile
Speaker 1: that signals very clearly I am relationship minded. Because often
Speaker 1: we think I have to look pretty, I have to
Speaker 1: look sexy in order to attract somebody. But you are
Speaker 1: attracting the ones who were looking for a hook up,
Speaker 1: maybe not necessarily the ones who are looking for a relationship.
Speaker 1: And so if you portray yourself not sexy, but doing
Speaker 1: something you want to do with the person you want
Speaker 1: to be with. I want to travel with my future partner,
Speaker 1: I want to go camping, I want to go to
Speaker 1: baseball games because I'm a fan of a particular team.
Speaker 1: Show yourself doing what you want to do with your partner.
Speaker 1: Because we want to create familiarity, we want to create
Speaker 1: connection with that first picture, not I'm wanting to be
Speaker 1: looked at. It's look at me. I want somebody to
Speaker 1: do this with. And the person who is looking for
Speaker 1: a partner looking through pictures that initial picture, they're gonna say, oh,
Speaker 1: I do that and she's cute. I want to do
Speaker 1: that with her. Let me read her bio. And then
Speaker 1: what we do is we create a bio that is
Speaker 1: kick ass. It makes them smile. They love who they
Speaker 1: are in their bio. And so once you've selected that picture,
Speaker 1: that's not a sexy picture, but you're doing what you
Speaker 1: want to do with your future partner, and you add
Speaker 1: some more in there. This is me cute, this is
Speaker 1: a body shot, like show them who you are. But
Speaker 1: that initial picture shouldn't be a thirst trap. When they
Speaker 1: get into your bio and they read your bio, it
Speaker 1: should trigger more in them. And so the next step
Speaker 1: for women is don't respond to anybody who doesn't make
Speaker 1: it obvious that they've read your bio. This is how
Speaker 1: we eliminate wasting time with the copy pasts. And one
Speaker 1: of the things that I said, I have a lot
Speaker 1: of isms, shuntile isms, and something that I say is
Speaker 1: I'm not looking for somebody's looking for somebody. I'm looking
Speaker 1: for somebody who's looking for me. And so if you
Speaker 1: only reply to the people who respond to what you
Speaker 1: wrote in your bio, you understand I think this person
Speaker 1: is looking for me. How do you decide which which
Speaker 1: app to go on? I mean, bumble the harmony grinder.
Speaker 1: My advice is to get on as many dating apps
Speaker 1: as you can handle. But because you're following the rule
Speaker 1: of only replying to people who make it obviously read
Speaker 1: your profile and not wasting your time with anybody else,
Speaker 1: you are reducing the amount of time you spend on
Speaker 1: each one. Okay, all right, that's good to know. Um. So,
Speaker 1: since you kind of, you know, delved into this world
Speaker 1: of maybe they want you for sex, I worry about
Speaker 1: that too, because there was something out certain women I've met,
Speaker 1: certain shows that I watched, and I think older women
Speaker 1: who are particularly lonely, are susceptible to that kind of swindling,
Speaker 1: you know, which basically men or women who come in
Speaker 1: and are able to get a great amount of money
Speaker 1: out of you while they kind of pull out your
Speaker 1: heart strings, you know, they get you invested in the relationship,
Speaker 1: they tell you they love you, and then suddenly you're
Speaker 1: writing them checks. These are predators and they prey on
Speaker 1: people who are weak, and weak people in my language
Speaker 1: are people who don't have a strong tribe, who don't
Speaker 1: have people in their life who go, oh, I'm seeing
Speaker 1: some red flags that you're not seeing. Just you need
Speaker 1: to not go down this particular route. And so I
Speaker 1: wrote a book called Fake Left Me Not Apply because
Speaker 1: I want people to understand that there's posers, losers, gammeras, predators,
Speaker 1: catfish out there who will take advantage of you. It's
Speaker 1: important to not fall for somebody long distance. It's it's
Speaker 1: it's going to happen for some of us for sure,
Speaker 1: but try not to because we crave companionship. That's why
Speaker 1: we're looking for love, and companionship is somebody who can
Speaker 1: be in our life to comfort us. Is somebody who
Speaker 1: can be with us and go to dinner with us,
Speaker 1: and cuttle with us and watch a movie. To me,
Speaker 1: I think the romantics have a tendency the idealism of
Speaker 1: companionship and relationships. They seem to be more susceptible to, Oh,
Speaker 1: I'm in love and I'll give him everything or her everything.
Speaker 1: Is it the romantics or is it the lonely who
Speaker 1: are more susceptible to falling for people who cannot be
Speaker 1: close to them because they're thinking, I can't find somebody here,
Speaker 1: so maybe somebody over there is going to give me
Speaker 1: the companionship that I want. And then we fall for
Speaker 1: what I call the castle in the sky, which is
Speaker 1: the dream that they've created in our mind, the story
Speaker 1: that we want to have come true. And I feel
Speaker 1: like it's really important to not fall for somebody over
Speaker 1: long distance because we do crave this companionship and we
Speaker 1: define it as our tribe. The people who are close
Speaker 1: to us, the people that we can see, we can touch,
Speaker 1: we can spend time with, we can have a meal with.
Speaker 1: And if if we're going to fall for somebody over
Speaker 1: a long distance, then the next protection mode that we
Speaker 1: should have is to not fall for somebody we can't
Speaker 1: face time with. If somebody doesn't have the ability quote
Speaker 1: unquote here to get on a phone call to do
Speaker 1: face time with us, then maybe there's a red flag
Speaker 1: right there. So, speaking of scamming, I have a friend
Speaker 1: who has been online dating and she started face timing
Speaker 1: with somebody. They had a lot in common. They would
Speaker 1: play scrabble online together while they faced each other, they
Speaker 1: had wine, and finally when she met him, in person,
Speaker 1: he was half the size of her, and she was
Speaker 1: shocked and felt bad that she was that she was
Speaker 1: kind of being superficial. I guess you know. She got
Speaker 1: along with him really well, but it's very hard when
Speaker 1: you meet somebody online and you face time with them
Speaker 1: to get a real sense of what they look like,
Speaker 1: I either height, or their weight or their smell. And
Speaker 1: she was really taken aback and she felt somehow that
Speaker 1: he should have told her. And I'm wondering if you
Speaker 1: hear that a lot. It falls into the category of
Speaker 1: what we commonly know people want. And it's a common
Speaker 1: knowledge that women typically want to date somebody who's taller
Speaker 1: than them because we like to tilt up for the kiss.
Speaker 1: And it's common knowledge among men that if you're a
Speaker 1: certain height or lower, you have reduced opportunities with women
Speaker 1: because you're not. You know, there's an average height, and
Speaker 1: you would want somebody to disclose that. Hey, by the way,
Speaker 1: I five five, yeah, yeah, it's hey. By the way,
Speaker 1: I mean you always see me from the waist up
Speaker 1: because we faced time. But hey, by the way, I'm
Speaker 1: an amputee. Like say, something that is different about you
Speaker 1: from the norm, And would you say something that's different
Speaker 1: about you from the norm right away? Or would you
Speaker 1: wait to have a few conversations until you felt they
Speaker 1: really saw you and then you sort of sit and
Speaker 1: by the way, dot dot dot, I would have a
Speaker 1: few conversations because I don't think we need to be superficial,
Speaker 1: but we do need to let people make an educated
Speaker 1: decision about us. So, like, let's just say it was
Speaker 1: an STD. And I'm not saying height is an STD.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that, but I'm saying there's the norm
Speaker 1: and there's outside the norm. If you are outside the
Speaker 1: norm in any way, shape or form, then disclose that
Speaker 1: at some point. Wow, the STD thing, how soon should
Speaker 1: somebody disclose that? I mean in person or online? I
Speaker 1: think that's an important thing, right. I don't think it's
Speaker 1: important to disclose until you figure out whether or not
Speaker 1: you actually like each other. Right, and if you're going
Speaker 1: to be physical, there's there's a timeline for me with that.
Speaker 1: It's um. You know, we we start chatting, we get
Speaker 1: along well enough, we have a date, we talk about
Speaker 1: fundamental values, those things that need to align marriage, kids.
Speaker 1: If we are aligning there, then we talk about the
Speaker 1: no kissing for three months dating rule. I don't want
Speaker 1: to kiss a stranger. I don't want to commit to
Speaker 1: a stranger. If I want to kiss a stranger, I'll
Speaker 1: go have a hook up. But when I'm choosing a committed,
Speaker 1: a long term relationship, I'm not going to choose at
Speaker 1: the same way I choose a hook up. And if
Speaker 1: you're on board for the no kissing for three months
Speaker 1: dating rule, here's something you should know about me. Let's
Speaker 1: talk about the no kissing dating role that you have.
Speaker 1: You're saying no one should kiss for three months. Three
Speaker 1: months seems like a long time to me. I'm saying,
Speaker 1: I do believe that there is such thing as luck
Speaker 1: and intuition, and so this is a technique for the
Speaker 1: people who have had bad luck and don't have good intuition.
Speaker 1: And so, like me, one after another, the relationships were bad.
Speaker 1: It was the you know, the abuser and the cheater,
Speaker 1: and the cheater for the most obvious of reasons. My
Speaker 1: mom was abusive. Repeat what's familiar, even if it's wrong
Speaker 1: for us. And there are so many like me. I
Speaker 1: am common. I am so common, And so if you
Speaker 1: don't have good luck or good intuition, then you need
Speaker 1: a new method, and that new method is knowledge and insight,
Speaker 1: and you eliminate a lot of those wrong people with
Speaker 1: the no kissing for three months dating role because selfish
Speaker 1: short term thinkers want what they want when they want it.
Speaker 1: They lack patients, they lack impulse control, and these are
Speaker 1: the types you need to eliminate when you were looking
Speaker 1: for the right partner. What if you are dating somebody
Speaker 1: and you both feel it, you both want to rip
Speaker 1: each other's clothes off, then go for it right. Well,
Speaker 1: here's the thing. If you wait three months for a
Speaker 1: first kiss and that feeling goes away, it was a
Speaker 1: flash in the pan. Good thing I didn't kiss them.
Speaker 1: If it's not a flash in the pan, what happens
Speaker 1: to that chemistry? You and I both know it builds
Speaker 1: and builds and builds and builds and builds. So there
Speaker 1: seems to be a B C in an a D
Speaker 1: when it comes to the kiss, the kiss being the
Speaker 1: great messiah. So tell me about that. Why is there
Speaker 1: so much importance placed on when the lips touch? Oh
Speaker 1: my goodness, So there is a subconscious understanding on the
Speaker 1: mass part that when they get your kiss, they get
Speaker 1: your exclusivity, and so they want to get that kiss
Speaker 1: in a s a peep, so you turn away other suitors.
Speaker 1: But it doesn't mean they want a relationship. It means
Speaker 1: they want our bodies and they don't want other people
Speaker 1: to have access. So the no kissing for three months
Speaker 1: day to rule will help you eliminate the ones who
Speaker 1: only want the body, because if they're not getting the
Speaker 1: body when they want, right, and that's the selfish short
Speaker 1: term thinker. I want what I want when I want it.
Speaker 1: If they're not going to get it, then they're going
Speaker 1: to move on. So we go, thank you for taking
Speaker 1: yourself out of the equation. But there's some more to that,
Speaker 1: and it's fennel ethylamine. So we know oxytocin is the
Speaker 1: warm fuzzy that happens when we cuddle. We know seratonin
Speaker 1: is the happy that's um actually produced in our gup
Speaker 1: by the way, I always eat a healthy whole foods um.
Speaker 1: And we know dopamine is the reward chemical. And so
Speaker 1: there's a heightening in this regardless of whether or not
Speaker 1: we kiss, because mother nature wants us to procreate if
Speaker 1: we introduce that kiss. In addition to the heightened oxytocin, serotonin,
Speaker 1: dopamine when we add fennel ethylamine. When we kiss testosterone,
Speaker 1: it's carried from the male saliva into the female's mouth.
Speaker 1: When you get that infusion of testosterone, our heart rate
Speaker 1: goes up. We produce fennel ethylamine. It is an aphrodisac
Speaker 1: and amphetamine and an antidepressant. Are you going to put
Speaker 1: yourself on crack in the presence of somebody that you
Speaker 1: don't even know? No, so why are we going to
Speaker 1: put ourselves in a chemical high that makes us misread
Speaker 1: flags with people we don't even know when choosing a
Speaker 1: committed long term partner. That's why prostitutes don't kiss, right
Speaker 1: if I've learned anything from Julia robertson Pretty Woman, because
Speaker 1: then you feel too attached emotionally. Kissing is more intimate
Speaker 1: than sex, and even men will say so yeah, and
Speaker 1: it's time for a short break. Great, let's get back
Speaker 1: to it. I want to go back to This is
Speaker 1: obviously fun for me. Um. When you see somebody online,
Speaker 1: at what point is it safe enough to bring them
Speaker 1: into your home. I don't like to say a certain
Speaker 1: number of dates because it is a vibe check, but
Speaker 1: should be you know, like you you've had some chats online,
Speaker 1: been taxed you back forth, you have some bone conversations.
Speaker 1: Then you move into beverage in a walk. Okay, beverage
Speaker 1: in a walk. See I didn't know that. Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: public public, public, public, public, public. You do a couple
Speaker 1: of those though, that's another vibe check level. During those
Speaker 1: beveragin walks, you're gonna talk about fundamental values. Are we aligned? Marriage? Kids?
Speaker 1: If it's not aligned and a story, move on, don't
Speaker 1: fall for some reason not aligned with what it is
Speaker 1: that you want for yourself. If they are aligned, then
Speaker 1: you move into the conversation. But they're no kissing for
Speaker 1: three months dayly role? Do they respect me? You would
Speaker 1: be shocked how many people ghost or just outright disrespect
Speaker 1: to one moan when she says, I am setting the
Speaker 1: pace and I'm not going to kiss someone I don't
Speaker 1: know and then find out their ship. That's not what
Speaker 1: I want to do. So if somebody doesn't respect a
Speaker 1: no kissing for three months boundary and the story right,
Speaker 1: so you know, I would say maybe after six you know,
Speaker 1: two beverages in a walk before it get together. So
Speaker 1: otherwise couple of meals go bowling, they'll catch a show
Speaker 1: or something, and and just see if they said they
Speaker 1: respect they no kissing for three months dating rule. Are
Speaker 1: they trying to get that kiss in? Because if they are,
Speaker 1: they paid lip service to respect you. They don't actually
Speaker 1: respect you, So don't go to their house. So it's
Speaker 1: interesting because I think the older we get, you know,
Speaker 1: some of us get very jaded about relationships. And I
Speaker 1: think the older you get, the more set in your
Speaker 1: ways you are. And how do you speak to people
Speaker 1: who are older now? But they want to be in
Speaker 1: a relationship, So you know, that takes patience, it takes
Speaker 1: the ability to compromise. And again, the older they get,
Speaker 1: it's harder to do that, So do it your way.
Speaker 1: Who says you have to live together? And this is
Speaker 1: the beautiful thing that we're seeing emerging is women either saying, look,
Speaker 1: I'm done with relationships period because I'm done with the
Speaker 1: bending to fit someone else. I'm done with taking care
Speaker 1: of other people. I'm done with complicating my life by
Speaker 1: adding an additional person who needs more time, attention thinking
Speaker 1: on my part. And so there's there's those people who
Speaker 1: are just like, piece out on the whole deal altogether,
Speaker 1: and then there's people are like, I'm just gonna do
Speaker 1: it my way, and they have long term relationships, like
Speaker 1: they met somebody in their fifties there in their eighties.
Speaker 1: They're not living together, they're not melding households. They're just
Speaker 1: stay in your house. I'll stay at my house. We'll
Speaker 1: get together for dinners, We'll have cudle times, will have sex,
Speaker 1: will watch Maybes, will do whatever. We'll have sleepovers, but
Speaker 1: go home. Yeah, that's interesting. I would imagine that. You know,
Speaker 1: you get used to your alone time where you get
Speaker 1: to recharge, which in marriage is not always easy. So
Speaker 1: I think it's great and I've heard a few stories
Speaker 1: of people that have figured that out, especially when they
Speaker 1: have kids. Um, which brings me to when you're dating
Speaker 1: when you're older, chances are that there are children involved,
Speaker 1: and I have found that kids make it a little
Speaker 1: more difficult. They just do they can they can, Okay,
Speaker 1: So tell me tell me the good of the bad,
Speaker 1: the ugly about dating if you have kids, or this
Speaker 1: person you're dating as kids, or you both have kids, right,
Speaker 1: and so it depends on the age. I came into
Speaker 1: my husband's life when his kids were eight nine. You know,
Speaker 1: I'm coaching couples now where the kids are in their twenties,
Speaker 1: and so it kind of depends on the age, the
Speaker 1: maturity level, the level of care that the children need.
Speaker 1: When they're younger, it's obviously much more. And it also
Speaker 1: depends on the attitude. Some children really feel like they
Speaker 1: own their parents and they own their parents resources, and
Speaker 1: they hate the idea of sharing, and so they could
Speaker 1: be a distressing part of dating if there is this
Speaker 1: kind of mentality on the kids part. And there does
Speaker 1: come a point when as a parent you need to
Speaker 1: switch your relationship with your children from parent child to
Speaker 1: peer peer. And if a parent has not settled this
Speaker 1: relationship with their children and connected it now on a
Speaker 1: peer peer level, and the child is still acting like
Speaker 1: a child, then you can have some issues. If the
Speaker 1: child is still living at home right the a twenty
Speaker 1: five year old kid living in the basement, not working,
Speaker 1: eating mom's food, uh of, or somebody coming in who's
Speaker 1: worked their entire life and they're seeing this, it is
Speaker 1: going to ruffle feathers. And if you can't work it
Speaker 1: out before you kiss, it's not going to get better
Speaker 1: after kissing. So there's certainly is room for conversation to
Speaker 1: work it out and say you know, hey, like this
Speaker 1: is odd for me to see this, and and I'm
Speaker 1: wondering what is going to happen to your son eventually?
Speaker 1: Are they eventually going to spread their wings? Like what
Speaker 1: is your plan for them? Do you keep saying you
Speaker 1: need to go but you never follow through on that?
Speaker 1: You know? And so you can you can have that
Speaker 1: disk ship because the point of coming together is building
Speaker 1: a life together in some way, shape or form. And
Speaker 1: when you think is the right time for someone to
Speaker 1: introduce someone they're dating to their kids, because you know,
Speaker 1: you don't want to do that with everybody you date,
Speaker 1: because I think that would be overwhelming for a child.
Speaker 1: So it depends on the age are you bringing home?
Speaker 1: Like is the goal to bring home a part of
Speaker 1: the family or is the goal to find yourself a companion?
Speaker 1: And you know we're talking a lot about people over forty,
Speaker 1: So if the goal is like, this is my life,
Speaker 1: this is somebody for me, and if you don't accept them,
Speaker 1: that's fine, that's your problem. That's not my problem. As
Speaker 1: my idult child, you're supposed to be living your independent
Speaker 1: life and I get to live mine now because I've
Speaker 1: done my job. I've raised you in into an adult,
Speaker 1: and so you get to do your dating. Just make
Speaker 1: sure you pick a good person, because no child wants
Speaker 1: to see their parents in a bad relationship. So if
Speaker 1: you want to cause issues, then just choose a shitty partner.
Speaker 1: Choose somebody great, and then introduce them on neutral territory.
Speaker 1: In a neutral way. Is you are a parent of
Speaker 1: a child, child and you're going to bring home somebody
Speaker 1: that's going to be part of the family, the introduction
Speaker 1: needs to be done before the kiss, because your child
Speaker 1: needs to be part of the vetting process. Because one
Speaker 1: thing that I say, here's another is m don't bring
Speaker 1: home a partner like you bring home a puppy. Hey, kids,
Speaker 1: look what I got. I'm breaking you a family member.
Speaker 1: Accept the decision that I made. Yeah, I I actually
Speaker 1: found in reading about this that there are some kids
Speaker 1: that can actually make the relationship impossible. I mean, there
Speaker 1: are kids that can actually cause so many problems it's
Speaker 1: not worth it to have the relationship. And that's that's
Speaker 1: the problem of the parent. And I'm kind of curious
Speaker 1: when you say that that the child could make it
Speaker 1: if possible. What age are you thinking about when you
Speaker 1: say that. Um, the things I've read, they were kind
Speaker 1: of eight to third Teenah, okay, and we're really cruel
Speaker 1: to the person who was brought in to the point
Speaker 1: where that person would say to their partner, look, this
Speaker 1: is crazy. It's me or them, like you have to
Speaker 1: do something, Or if the child was rude, they would
Speaker 1: go to their partner and say, you know, at what
Speaker 1: point are you going to step in and say it's
Speaker 1: not okay to treat me like that? Like those kinds
Speaker 1: of issues would then become so much for the person
Speaker 1: who was brought in. They would say this is not
Speaker 1: worth it. I can't, I can't do this. And this
Speaker 1: does sound to me like parenting issues. It does sound
Speaker 1: like the parents should be doing a better job teaching
Speaker 1: their children how to be respectful of people. The parents
Speaker 1: should be bringing home respectful people. And I think maybe
Speaker 1: a part of the upheaval is what the hell are
Speaker 1: you doing bringing home a family member without my input?
Speaker 1: Between eight and thirteen, there's a lot of awareness going on.
Speaker 1: And so again this is why I say, introduced them
Speaker 1: in a neutral way, on neutral territory and see how
Speaker 1: they get along. See like, hey, we're going to the park,
Speaker 1: my friend Allen's going to meet us. Hey, we're going
Speaker 1: to the museum. My friend Tom's going to meet us there. Hey,
Speaker 1: we're going to the beach. My friend Rick is going
Speaker 1: to be there too. Don't make love e w eyes
Speaker 1: at each other, don't touch each other, don't make it
Speaker 1: obvious you're courting each other in any way, ship or form.
Speaker 1: You're using the no kissing for three months daily world.
Speaker 1: Take two months to get to know the person and
Speaker 1: also make sure that, um, you know, you've met their people,
Speaker 1: you have vetted them not only through the words they say,
Speaker 1: but through their people. Because we are a product to
Speaker 1: the people we surround ourselves with. If their people aren't awesome,
Speaker 1: maybe there's a red flag right there. So take two
Speaker 1: months to get to know them and then introduce some
Speaker 1: check kids in a nuture way on neutral territory. This
Speaker 1: is just somebody. People say, Oh, I do want people
Speaker 1: going in and out of my kids lives. That happens
Speaker 1: all the time. Doctors, teachers, you know, people that they
Speaker 1: go to school with. It's normal. You yourself have friends
Speaker 1: that come in and out of your This is just
Speaker 1: a friend. This isn't somebody in their mind that you're
Speaker 1: looking to start a relationship with because you haven't introduced
Speaker 1: it as a boyfriend, which means you're not going here.
Speaker 1: You go deal with my decision. You're going, Hey, we're
Speaker 1: going out. We're gonna have fun. Some friends are gonna
Speaker 1: be there, casual and then see how they interact. Right,
Speaker 1: let them vet with you. Absolutely, we'll be right back
Speaker 1: and we're back. Okay. So I have a friend who
Speaker 1: um got out a very very abusive relationship. I mean,
Speaker 1: she barely got out alive, and now she's sang to me,
Speaker 1: I'm on these dating apps. I'm going to start going
Speaker 1: out and dating. I don't trust my instincts. I don't
Speaker 1: even know what to say or ask, and I did.
Speaker 1: I didn't know what to tell her, you know, and
Speaker 1: because she's her radar is way off. So what can
Speaker 1: you say to women that are coming out of what
Speaker 1: weren't the best relationships of their life and they're trying
Speaker 1: to start anew but they actually don't know what to
Speaker 1: look for, don't know what to say. This is what
Speaker 1: you do? You get her a copy of No More Assholes,
Speaker 1: which is the book that I wrote for women who
Speaker 1: are dating. I started off with meditation. I teach you
Speaker 1: how to meditate, because Harvard did a study. They have
Speaker 1: people come in do an MRI scan and sent them
Speaker 1: home for eight weeks to meditate, brought them back did
Speaker 1: another MRI scan. When they looked at the two side
Speaker 1: by side, they saw the brain change shape in two places.
Speaker 1: A magdala's shrink that's your fight or flight, that stress,
Speaker 1: fear and anxiety, and the hippocampus increased. That's introspection and compassion.
Speaker 1: That is your courage, your self esteem. And this is
Speaker 1: what she needs because listen to being an abusive situation.
Speaker 1: You're a magdala is pumping every day out of stress, fear,
Speaker 1: and anxiety. Her a magdala is too big. She needs
Speaker 1: to shrink it down to calm her mind and emotions.
Speaker 1: Because when you're magdala is too big, it's hard to
Speaker 1: see things properly because your mind is spinning. It's overthinking,
Speaker 1: it's over anxious, over fearful. So we shrink the magdala,
Speaker 1: we call on the mind, we call the emotions. This actually,
Speaker 1: I mean I believe in spirituality. Like when you think
Speaker 1: about a friend and a minute later you get a
Speaker 1: text message from them. That spirituality that is your frequencies connecting.
Speaker 1: And so when you calm. You're a magdala. You enhance
Speaker 1: your antenna and now you can send out a better signal,
Speaker 1: a clearer signal. So then I move them into self
Speaker 1: assessment because again, when you're an abusive relationship, you're punched down,
Speaker 1: punch down, punch down. She needs to rise up because
Speaker 1: when you are low, you pick from low because you
Speaker 1: don't know better. And like attracts, like when you elevate yourself,
Speaker 1: you elevate the quality of the person you will attract
Speaker 1: and are attracted to. Another step is defining your next relationship.
Speaker 1: Clarity is key. If you don't know what you're looking for.
Speaker 1: If you say I'll know when I find it, it's
Speaker 1: called confusion. Again, like attract slit, you're going to attract
Speaker 1: a confused partner. You must define what it is that
Speaker 1: you're looking for. And I help guide that. And I
Speaker 1: also clarify the twelve character traits that help people understand
Speaker 1: the difference between a selfish short term thinker and a
Speaker 1: generous long term thinker. And I'm talking about the difference
Speaker 1: between a taker and an abuser and a contributor somebody
Speaker 1: who will elevate you. Okay, what are these twelve character traits.
Speaker 1: Oh boy, you're gonna make me give it away. Okay.
Speaker 1: So I'm on TikTok all the time and I talked
Speaker 1: about the twelve character traits, but they go tell me
Speaker 1: what they are. I say, no, you have to get
Speaker 1: the book because I want you to have the education.
Speaker 1: Knowledge is power. But for you, Ali, I'm going to
Speaker 1: do it. Okay, thank you. So the first one is validation.
Speaker 1: So do they get their validation from other people, especially women,
Speaker 1: or do they get their validation from being a good person.
Speaker 1: So you get a point if it's for being a
Speaker 1: good person. No points if it's because you're getting your
Speaker 1: validation through ego strokes. The next one is jealousy. Are
Speaker 1: you allowed to have male friends? Again, they don't get
Speaker 1: a point if they're jealous if you have male friends, Um,
Speaker 1: you want a partner who's confident. Confidence is key because
Speaker 1: a healthy relationship has freedom, and they need to be
Speaker 1: confident enough to not try and control you. I need
Speaker 1: to control what you wear, where you go, who you see.
Speaker 1: Another one is appearances. So are they flashy on the
Speaker 1: outside because they want people to admire them based on
Speaker 1: how they look, or are they low key on the
Speaker 1: outside because they want people tomire them for who they
Speaker 1: are on the inside. I know you're you're giving points
Speaker 1: to your husband right now. Um So. Another one is selfishness.
Speaker 1: Are they what's in it for me kind of person?
Speaker 1: Or are they generous with their inner circle? The next
Speaker 1: one is control role? Do they try to control your resources?
Speaker 1: How you spend your time, how you spend your money?
Speaker 1: Number six responsibilities? Do they amen up to their responsibilities?
Speaker 1: Do they take them on without complaint or do they
Speaker 1: complain and try to ditch their responsibilities. The next one
Speaker 1: is affection? Is that hard to get their affections? You
Speaker 1: have to buy them stuff, You have to do favors
Speaker 1: for them just to get hugs and kisses and cuddles.
Speaker 1: The next one is effort. Do they take on extra
Speaker 1: things in their life because they know the harder they work,
Speaker 1: the faster they gain, or do they say no that
Speaker 1: over time, I'd rather play video games. Next one is finances.
Speaker 1: Are they financially responsible because if they're not, you can't
Speaker 1: build a life with them. The next one is blame.
Speaker 1: Do they blame everyone else for the negativity in their
Speaker 1: life or do they take responsibility and listen, we all
Speaker 1: have egos and our ego denies the truth, and so yes,
Speaker 1: initially when there's a disagreement or if you might deny
Speaker 1: the truth, But do they ultimately say, you know what,
Speaker 1: I understand, I could do this better and I will
Speaker 1: work more on myself or is it always someone else's
Speaker 1: fault and there's nothing for me to change. The next
Speaker 1: one is paying when you go out on a date.
Speaker 1: Do they pay more than fifty percent of the time?
Speaker 1: We want generosity. I don't want to tip for tech
Speaker 1: kind of person. I don't want to scorekeeper. I want
Speaker 1: to be in a relationship where you're so generous with me.
Speaker 1: I'm running to keep up with you. I'm trying so
Speaker 1: hard to be as generous as you are. And so
Speaker 1: generosity isn't something we're score keeping. Is something we are
Speaker 1: doing an abundance in our relationship. And the last one
Speaker 1: is happiness. Do they want you to be happy? God?
Speaker 1: These are good? How good? And I'm happy to say
Speaker 1: George checked all those boxes, so he's going to have
Speaker 1: a good night. Yeah. Um, I think that those are
Speaker 1: all little gems really, and some of them I even thought, Wow,
Speaker 1: I never I would never would have thought of that
Speaker 1: if I were making a list that's really great. I
Speaker 1: would have added a sense of humor, but that's me.
Speaker 1: Oh that's okay. So when people say how do we
Speaker 1: know he's the one, I say, the twelve character traits,
Speaker 1: the three piece protect professor provide, devoted and hard working
Speaker 1: and makes me laugh more than anybody else. Yeah, it's
Speaker 1: just a big one. It's a big one. And there's
Speaker 1: definitely more that you need to know about this, And
Speaker 1: you can find all this out in no more assholes,
Speaker 1: because I really get in depth of the sort of
Speaker 1: behaviors that you need to look for in somebody in
Speaker 1: order to understand if this is a person who's truly
Speaker 1: dedicated to you and building a life with you, and
Speaker 1: the kind of partner that's a healthy partner. And what
Speaker 1: do you say to people who all those things are
Speaker 1: there but they're not sexually compatible. That can be taught.
Speaker 1: Oh come on really? Oh but Ali, come on, you
Speaker 1: know how to say a harder, faster? Well, I'm fantastic
Speaker 1: and bed so I don't know. So a common question
Speaker 1: is that one. And also what if we get to
Speaker 1: three months and he's a terrible kisser, and and listen,
Speaker 1: when it comes to intimacy, how your body likes you
Speaker 1: and I were going to like different things in different ways,
Speaker 1: and and so there's always a learning curve, but with
Speaker 1: women there's a higher learning curve because our bodies are
Speaker 1: built differently, and so there is something to learn about
Speaker 1: each woman. When my husband kissed me, he kissed me
Speaker 1: the way his ex liked it, but I like it different.
Speaker 1: And the kiss you stop what's happening, but you don't
Speaker 1: break the intimacy and you say, in a very sexy assaultier,
Speaker 1: let me show you what I like, and you show
Speaker 1: them what you like. I would imagine that particularly people
Speaker 1: who are divorcees that have had, you know, a long
Speaker 1: marriage with somebody else, they kind of have to be reprogrammed.
Speaker 1: There's that, And and sometimes we get into relationships and
Speaker 1: we do like we just go along with our the
Speaker 1: other president is doing it because we don't know better.
Speaker 1: And so women who have been in these twenty five
Speaker 1: year marriages and didn't you know, doing it the way
Speaker 1: he to do it. Now is the time for you
Speaker 1: to find yourself out, figure out what it is that
Speaker 1: you like. Take some time by the blindfold, get the candles,
Speaker 1: smoke a bit of pot, take a shower, and just
Speaker 1: you know, get into your body, and when you catch
Speaker 1: yourself doing what was always done to you, stop yourself
Speaker 1: and say, wait a second, what do I want? And
Speaker 1: start over and start figuring out how you like to
Speaker 1: be touched that you can teach somebody else how to
Speaker 1: touch you. It reminds me of the scene in the
Speaker 1: movie Private Benjamin Goldiehan was married and had a bunch
Speaker 1: of not great relationships and she finally has this affair
Speaker 1: with this gorgeous French count and after they have sex,
Speaker 1: she says, Oh, now I know what I've been faking
Speaker 1: my whole life. Right. It just reminds me of that.
Speaker 1: Before we go, I seem to ask my guests a
Speaker 1: lot of questions, and now it is your opportunity to
Speaker 1: ask me a question anything you want. What was the
Speaker 1: quality about your husband that blew your mind to put
Speaker 1: you over the edge. Well, the interesting thing about my
Speaker 1: husband was, which is not the norm. I knew who
Speaker 1: he was, so I already had a bias against him.
Speaker 1: And because I knew who he was, I didn't think
Speaker 1: I was interested. So when I met him for lunch,
Speaker 1: I thought, list will just be an interesting, you know,
Speaker 1: short story. I'll write about it. My date with George Stephanopolis.
Speaker 1: It's not my type. I'm not attracted to him physically.
Speaker 1: He's involved in politics. I hate politics. So I had
Speaker 1: no expectations. I mean truly didn't shave my legs, didn't shower.
Speaker 1: I thought we would, you know, talk about the New
Speaker 1: York Times. And so when I first met him and
Speaker 1: I sat down with him, I had a feel ng
Speaker 1: and the feeling was, oh, I'm with my people. Like
Speaker 1: I actually felt closer to him after lunch than I
Speaker 1: did with people I had had relationships with for eight
Speaker 1: to ten years. So that was the first thing that
Speaker 1: really hit me, was the comfort I had with him.
Speaker 1: Then I realized after the first date, I thought, oh
Speaker 1: my god, I'm attracted to him. And then when we
Speaker 1: were you know, after a few dates, I kept thinking,
Speaker 1: I cannot believe I'm attracted to him, Like he's not
Speaker 1: what I this is not not my pinterest board. Those
Speaker 1: two things were the strongest, and it seemed very natural.
Speaker 1: After two months when he asked me to marry him,
Speaker 1: I was like, of course, TikTok's taking you so long?
Speaker 1: I love this. That sounds like intuition to me. What
Speaker 1: was it about you? It sounds like he pursued you,
Speaker 1: he asked you out to lunch. There was something about you,
Speaker 1: you know. I think it was I was so different
Speaker 1: from the people he was dating. He he I think
Speaker 1: had dated very kind of serious women. Um I made
Speaker 1: him laugh a ton. I was not interested in his fame,
Speaker 1: you know. I wasn't like, why didn't you send a limo?
Speaker 1: And the main thing was I didn't play any games
Speaker 1: with him. I didn't pretend to be somebody I wasn't.
Speaker 1: I didn't lie and say like, oh, I'm dating all
Speaker 1: these people. I just was like, this is me, take
Speaker 1: it or leave it. And if I give any advice
Speaker 1: to my friends, particularly older friends who are dating, I
Speaker 1: just say, life's too short. Just be your authentic self.
Speaker 1: Don't pretend to be someone else, and don't play those games,
Speaker 1: and don't play rules. And you know, just if you
Speaker 1: show them who you are and they want you, then
Speaker 1: that's going to be a real relationship. If you pretend
Speaker 1: to be something else and then they discover you're not,
Speaker 1: it's gonna implode. I agree with that. Don't play games,
Speaker 1: don't play gender games. He should ask me out for us,
Speaker 1: he should text me for us. Don't play time games.
Speaker 1: Oh I have to wait three days after the day
Speaker 1: before I reach out to them. And you're right, and
Speaker 1: you're that don't play games. And I love that you
Speaker 1: brought humor into this because men think they have to
Speaker 1: be hot, and it's like, no, you need to be funny, though,
Speaker 1: And they'll ask you. I'll say, um, you know I
Speaker 1: by seven, I'm like, it doesn't matter. Are you funny?
Speaker 1: And I would say, ladies, do you want a hot guy?
Speaker 1: Do you want a funny guys? And then you see
Speaker 1: funny funny like we want to laugh. We it's it's listen.
Speaker 1: Babies don't need to be taught how to laugh. It
Speaker 1: is part of our fundamental nature. It is a human
Speaker 1: need and desire to laugh. And my husband makes me
Speaker 1: laugh more than anybody else, and I make him laugh
Speaker 1: more than anybody else. And you and I both know
Speaker 1: if you can have a conflict free relationship with humor
Speaker 1: and respect and affection, it is magic. I gotta end
Speaker 1: on that, because that is absolutely true. Shantall, thank you
Speaker 1: so much for being on go ask Galey. You are
Speaker 1: so welcome, and it's my pleasure, my honor. I think
Speaker 1: she tells so many great points. And if I'm ever single, again, which,
Speaker 1: dear God, I hope I'm not. I will use those
Speaker 1: twelve character traits. The one thing I'm curious about is
Speaker 1: not kissing for three months, because I think I kissed
Speaker 1: George after three days, yeah, my third date. And also,
Speaker 1: and this could be gender prejudice, but I wonder if
Speaker 1: men can really stick around for three months. And what
Speaker 1: I mean by that is, when you're over forty, you're
Speaker 1: very conscious of time and your mortality, and so waiting
Speaker 1: three months for a kiss could seem like a lot
Speaker 1: for some men. I'm curious. You know. It's a great
Speaker 1: social experiment to see if that actually works. And in fact,
Speaker 1: some of my friends who are over forty and dating
Speaker 1: right now, I'm actually going to ask them to do
Speaker 1: a little experiment for me, because I would love to
Speaker 1: note that, in fact is a deal breaker. Um. And
Speaker 1: if you do go out there and you are dating
Speaker 1: and you wait three months for the first kissed, come
Speaker 1: tell me. I'm go ask Alli how that went. I'd
Speaker 1: love to know. Thank you for listening to Go ask Ali.
Speaker 1: Check out our show notes for more info. Be sure
Speaker 1: to subscribe, rate and review the podcast, and follow me
Speaker 1: on social media on Twitter at Ali Wentworth and on
Speaker 1: Instagram at the Real Ali Wentworth Now. If you'd like
Speaker 1: to ask me a question or suggested guests or topic
Speaker 1: to dig into, or you actually did the waiting three
Speaker 1: months plan, I'd love to hear from you, and there's
Speaker 1: a bunch of ways to do it. You can call
Speaker 1: or text me at three to three four six three six,
Speaker 1: or you can email a voice memo right from your
Speaker 1: phone to Go ask Alli podcast at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: And if you leave a question, you just might hear
Speaker 1: it and go ask Alli. Go ask Alli is a
Speaker 1: production of Shonda land Audio and partner ship with I
Speaker 1: Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the
Speaker 1: I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen
Speaker 1: to your favorite shows.