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Speaker 1: Hello, Catherine, it's chilly Chelsea. Hi, yye hi Hi, what's happening?

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Speaker 2: Oh man, just got back from a weekend in Phoenix

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Speaker 2: with all of my in laws and my folks and

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Speaker 2: it was really fun.

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Speaker 1: Oh well good.

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Speaker 2: It was also peaceful because I like gave myself time away.

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Speaker 2: I like let Brad and his family have their time,

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Speaker 2: and I gave you know, myself some decompression time and

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Speaker 2: it was peaceful.

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Speaker 1: Love. Well, good for you for going to Phoenix. I'm

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Speaker 1: yeah for congratulations.

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Speaker 3: It was actually the weather was incredible.

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Speaker 2: It was like Sally Sonny beautiful, like not a hot

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Speaker 2: day in sight.

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Speaker 3: It was perfection.

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Speaker 4: I have a show in Maracopa, Arizona, so oh yeah yeah,

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Speaker 4: so I will be in Arizona at some point.

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Speaker 3: Soon, hopefully before the hot weather comes.

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Speaker 4: You could buy those tickets at Chelseahandler dot com.

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Speaker 2: This isn't exactly an update, but this is just a

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Speaker 2: sweet letter that we got from a listener that I

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Speaker 2: thought was really great because we've been getting a lot

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Speaker 2: of emails about book lists and book recommendations and all

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Speaker 2: that good stuff. So Crystal says to your Chelsea, not

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Speaker 2: needing advice today, but just wanted to write and say

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Speaker 2: that you inspired me to start reading. I've never been

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Speaker 2: a big reader, but because I knew it was important,

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Speaker 2: I've always read to my children every day from the

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Speaker 2: day they were born. My daughter is now nine and

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Speaker 2: reads books on her own before bed each night. I

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Speaker 2: always wanted them to love reading, because I always wished

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Speaker 2: that I did.

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Speaker 3: But you and.

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Speaker 2: Catherine are always talking about different books and how wonderful

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Speaker 2: they are, and how people aren't doing it as much anymore.

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Speaker 2: All of that, coupled with the fact that I basically

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Speaker 2: trained my daughter to love reading, inspired me to try again.

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Speaker 2: One of my first books was one of Chelsea's, about

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Speaker 2: a year ago, and from there I.

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Speaker 3: Just haven't stopped.

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Speaker 2: Ah I know, I'm really enjoying it and actually feeling

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Speaker 2: that it has enriched my life in ways I wasn't expecting.

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Speaker 2: I get so much joy out of such little effort.

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Speaker 2: I must stay at home mom of ten years, and

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Speaker 2: these four walls get so small after a while. It's

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Speaker 2: a gift to be able to escape in a healthy way.

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Speaker 2: So all this is to say thank you, thank you

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Speaker 2: for sharing books you're reading, sharing your passionate about it,

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Speaker 2: and reminding us just how important it is with.

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Speaker 3: Love a crystal.

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Speaker 1: Well, that's great.

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Speaker 4: I love I love it. I love it. Reading is

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Speaker 4: a gift. We're so lucky to be able to like

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Speaker 4: get free entertainment. I mean, they're not free books, but

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Speaker 4: it's cheap entertainment the library, they are, yeah, right, yeah,

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Speaker 4: you can check them out at the library.

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Speaker 1: I used to check out books at the library with

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Speaker 1: my mom.

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Speaker 4: We'd go to the library and Martha's Vineyard and I

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Speaker 4: would get six books and she would get six books.

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Speaker 4: And we would just always like I would read six

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Speaker 4: books at a time and she would and they were

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Speaker 4: all like choose your own adventures, you know, like stupid

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Speaker 4: shit when I was young, but I just loved the

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Speaker 4: putting down a book, going to the next one. And

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Speaker 4: now the girls, Katie and Jesse, my two sixteen year

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Speaker 4: old popsy twins, they are reading like crazy. Like Katie

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Speaker 4: spent the weekend and she was up to like two

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Speaker 4: in the morning reading her book, and I'm like yes.

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Speaker 4: And when I met them, they didn't even read books.

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Speaker 4: They were like, what we're not reading? And then yeah,

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Speaker 4: so it's so cute.

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Speaker 1: I love that. Yeah, it's so. It makes your vocabulary bigger,

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Speaker 1: it makes you smarter. It helps you're spelling.

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Speaker 2: Speaking of staying up late reading, I once was watching

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Speaker 2: my nieces and my one niece was probably like eleven

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Speaker 2: or twelve, and she had gotten into the Harry Potter

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Speaker 2: books and it was just me with my two nieces.

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Speaker 2: My knew this is a school day, and my niece

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Speaker 2: now is that I love reading?

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Speaker 3: She goes.

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Speaker 2: I woke up at one in the morning and started

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Speaker 2: reading my book and I never stopped.

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Speaker 3: I've been awake since one of the morning reading And

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Speaker 3: I was.

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Speaker 1: Like, oh, oh, how cute?

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Speaker 3: Is that so cute?

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Speaker 2: But I was like, you're about to have the most

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Speaker 2: miserable day ever because you're gonna fall asleep in class.

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Speaker 3: So she was pretty crabby and we had a little

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Speaker 3: early bedtime that night. But I was like, that's very sweet,

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Speaker 3: but maybe maybe we don't do that again.

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Speaker 1: That's cute.

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Speaker 3: Was there a specific book.

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Speaker 2: I know you said she's your own adventure books, but

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Speaker 2: was there a specific book that you really.

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Speaker 3: Like got you into reading as a kid.

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Speaker 1: No, all the books. I read everything.

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Speaker 4: I mean, I read serious books when I was little,

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Speaker 4: my dad forced me. And then when I had my own,

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Speaker 4: like you know, I could read what I wanted Beverly

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Speaker 4: Cleary and like you know, Judy Bloom and all that,

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Speaker 4: and then Sweet Valley High.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I love amazing.

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Speaker 1: That was my favorite, and then a lot to choose

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Speaker 1: your own adventures.

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Speaker 4: I would just go through them like any kid and

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Speaker 4: go to the War the first, go to page twenty eight.

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Speaker 4: Then I would go back and go to page thirty five,

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Speaker 4: and you know, I just love that.

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Speaker 3: There is nothing more fun than those.

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Speaker 1: I know, I know, I guess they have them for adults,

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Speaker 1: but they I think they do.

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Speaker 4: But I don't think that that I'm that interested in

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Speaker 4: that anymore.

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Speaker 3: Should we jump into some questions, Chelsea.

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Speaker 4: Absolutely, let's do it. We have a one on one

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Speaker 4: episode today.

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Speaker 3: We sure do.

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Speaker 2: Okay, So this one is a little bit of a

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Speaker 2: complicated one, Sarah says, Dear Chelsea, My family and I

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Speaker 2: moved to a new neighborhood about six months ago. It's quiet,

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Speaker 2: clean and has lots of families with young children, including

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Speaker 2: my own. Shortly after moving in, we discovered that our

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Speaker 2: next door neighbor has an adult daughter who does not

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Speaker 2: live at the house, but is likely living out of

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Speaker 2: her beat up car, which she likes to part in

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Speaker 2: front of her mom's house. She shows up for a

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Speaker 2: few days at a time, leaves for a few days,

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Speaker 2: and then comes back. She often gets loaded and then

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Speaker 2: passes out in her car for hours in broad daylight.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes she's just in her car by herself or with others,

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Speaker 2: doing tweaker things like looking for things on the ground.

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Speaker 2: Whenever her daughter is brought up in conversation, the neighbor

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Speaker 2: dismisses it and says she just comes around from time

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Speaker 2: to time to use my swimming pool, and the neighbor

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Speaker 2: doesn't really seem interested in talking about what's going on.

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Speaker 2: My neighbor's boyfriend shared a little more once and said

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Speaker 2: the daughter is cut off and not allowed to enter

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Speaker 2: their home. However, it's apparent that they aren't doing anything

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Speaker 2: about their doing drugs and passing out in the car

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Speaker 2: in front of their house.

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Speaker 3: I feel for my neighbor mother to mother.

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Speaker 2: It makes me wonder if she feels more comfortable knowing

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Speaker 2: where her daughter is and having her parked out front

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Speaker 2: rather than quote on the streets.

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Speaker 3: Here's my dilemma. I couldn't care.

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Speaker 2: Less what her daughter does with her life or her

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Speaker 2: relationship with her mother, But I don't want my children

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Speaker 2: seeing her doing drugs or being passed out in her

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Speaker 2: car for hours while they play in the front yard.

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Speaker 3: It's also quite a nice or to have a.

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Speaker 2: Tweaker hanging out in her beat up with broken windows

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Speaker 2: every time I look out while doing my dishes. Should

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Speaker 2: I try and have another conversation with her mom? How

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Speaker 2: do I approach this with her? Deep down, I really

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Speaker 2: want to just call the cops or knock on her

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Speaker 2: car window and tell her to leave, but she's technically

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Speaker 2: not on my property and I don't want to negatively

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Speaker 2: impact my relationship with my neighbor. Your advice on how

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Speaker 2: to handle this would be greatly appreciated, Sarah.

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Speaker 4: Well, I mean, honestly, it's none of your fucking business,

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Speaker 4: Like it's not she's not on your property. I mean

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Speaker 4: as a parent, obviously her mother isn't psyched about that either,

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Speaker 4: and I think you can relate that you would rather

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Speaker 4: have your daughter in front of your house doing drugs

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Speaker 4: than god knows where, and it's not your property, so

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Speaker 4: you have nothing to say about the matter. And sorry

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Speaker 4: that it's an eyesore, but there's nothing for you to do.

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Speaker 1: That's not your business.

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Speaker 2: And I honestly think like your kids are small. So

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Speaker 2: you know, if you tell them like, oh, she's taking

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Speaker 2: a nap, Like, I think that's probably all the explanation

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Speaker 2: that they need at this time. And like when they're

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Speaker 2: twenty five, they'll, you know, remember this lady and figure

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Speaker 2: out what was going on.

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Speaker 4: Or they won't remember anything about it, you know, right,

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Speaker 4: or they won't and it's not Yeah, and your kids

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Speaker 4: aren't gonna like that's like saying, oh, I don't want

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Speaker 4: my children exposed to transgender kids because they're going to

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Speaker 4: become trans just because there's some woman tweaking out in

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Speaker 4: a car. At least she's not on your property, she's

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Speaker 4: not talking to your children. Yeah, you're really reaching to

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Speaker 4: think that you have a say in it.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And I know people get really bent out of

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Speaker 2: shape about like, oh, someone's parked in from my house. Whatever,

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Speaker 2: I can see it from my house. But I think

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Speaker 2: this is a family across the street that has a

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Speaker 2: really complicated thing going on, and I think this is

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Speaker 2: a moment where you need to dig deep and reach

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Speaker 2: out with kindness. Yes, you know, maybe it's even like

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Speaker 2: make a sandwich and like if she's asleep, leave it

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Speaker 2: on her car, or like knock on the window. If

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Speaker 2: she's awake and like hand her a sandwich or bring

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Speaker 2: her lunch, like when you see her out there, because

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Speaker 2: she's obviously going through a really tough time. You know,

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Speaker 2: calling the cops is not a solution for drug addiction.

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Speaker 1: No, it's not.

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Speaker 4: That is actually nice. It's like take your contempt and

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Speaker 4: turn it upside down into kindness.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I think try and find ways where you can

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Speaker 3: meet this with kindness and giving and understand that like

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Speaker 3: this is more complicated. They're just like having a shitty

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Speaker 3: view at your window. So and also, like things do

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Speaker 3: come to an end, so this will this will go

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Speaker 3: one way or another.

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Speaker 2: And obviously we hope that she gets help, but you know,

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Speaker 2: the family is doing the best they can, it sounds

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Speaker 2: like right now.

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Speaker 4: And also, calling the police is definitely going to fracture

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Speaker 4: your relationship with your neighbor.

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Speaker 1: So you can say goodbye to that if you do that, and.

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Speaker 3: It will also probably not be a solution.

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Speaker 4: I grew up, well, this isn't this isn't exactly the same,

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Speaker 4: but it's slightly analogous. Where I grew up with my

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Speaker 4: dad had all these used cars in our driveway all

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Speaker 4: the time, and it looked like you know, the parking lot.

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Speaker 4: It looked like Sandford and Son in our neighborhood. And

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Speaker 4: we were like in a nice middle class, upper middle

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Speaker 4: class neighborhood in New Jersey, and our neighbors always called

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Speaker 4: the police on.

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Speaker 1: My dad because of the cars.

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Speaker 4: And it just made me, even to this day, not

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Speaker 4: like my neighbors, you know, because we became like the

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Speaker 4: eyesore of the neighborhood. And I didn't like my house either.

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Speaker 4: I wasn't happy about it either, but seeing my father,

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Speaker 4: like seeing us kind of like my father attacked and

228
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:17,160
Speaker 4: people call, it's just embarrassing, and it's like, it's that's

229
00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:19,840
Speaker 4: not we're putting out love. That's just putting out disdain,

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Speaker 4: especially because you don't like something in your view and

231
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Speaker 4: like your eyeline.

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Speaker 1: It's just it's silly.

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Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, So I think let's try and meet this with.

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00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:31,560
Speaker 2: A little love and a little understanding and give us

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Speaker 2: an update if there is a change or if you

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Speaker 2: do decide to try that, and let us know kind

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Speaker 2: of how that goes.

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Speaker 1: Okay, we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be

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Speaker 1: right back.

240
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Speaker 3: And we're back, so let's talk to our first caller.

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Speaker 3: We've got some cuties today.

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Speaker 1: Okay, let's go.

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Speaker 2: Vicky is calling in and she's got a bit of

244
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Speaker 2: a doozy here. So Vicky says, dear Chelsea, it's one am.

245
00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:58,840
Speaker 2: I have to get up for work in five hours.

246
00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:01,720
Speaker 2: I can't sleep so angry, and I need your advice.

247
00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:04,520
Speaker 2: A couple days ago, one of the owners of my

248
00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:07,840
Speaker 2: company offered to pay me two thousand dollars to have

249
00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:11,880
Speaker 2: sex with him. I worked for a roofing company doing admin.

250
00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:14,440
Speaker 2: I've been there for seven months. I was determined to

251
00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:17,079
Speaker 2: show this new group of blue collar guys just how organized,

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Speaker 2: detail oriented and smart a girl like me could be.

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Speaker 3: And I did.

254
00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:23,120
Speaker 2: I got two raises in the first six months and

255
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Speaker 2: a Christmas bonus. I attended the company Christmas party alone.

256
00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:29,520
Speaker 2: I rented a dress and felt like a million bucks.

257
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Speaker 2: It was fun.

258
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Speaker 3: That night, I noticed one of the owners sent me

259
00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:35,800
Speaker 3: a message on LinkedIn at one forty that seemed like

260
00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:39,520
Speaker 3: a typo. Then he started testing the waters. Maybe I

261
00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:41,960
Speaker 3: was flattered that my boss was paying attention to me.

262
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Speaker 3: Who knows.

263
00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:45,520
Speaker 2: Anyway, he said he wanted to ask me something and

264
00:10:45,559 --> 00:10:47,560
Speaker 2: wanted to switch to text, so I gave.

265
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Speaker 3: Him my cell number.

266
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Speaker 2: He started by saying how good I looked at the party,

267
00:10:51,679 --> 00:10:54,400
Speaker 2: but pretty quickly explained that he was interested in paying

268
00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:57,079
Speaker 2: me two thousand dollars a pop to bang me. I

269
00:10:57,120 --> 00:11:00,160
Speaker 2: told him thanks, eye roll. My first reaction was to

270
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:03,959
Speaker 2: be grateful, ugh, but no thanks. He then offered to

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00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:06,920
Speaker 2: pay me for my silence. I assured him I would

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00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:09,760
Speaker 2: never tell and didn't want any money. He asked me

273
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:12,640
Speaker 2: to delete the text, but I kept them. I was

274
00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:15,240
Speaker 2: scared there would be retaliation because I turned him down.

275
00:11:15,679 --> 00:11:18,320
Speaker 2: Nothing has happened since then. Now that I've had time

276
00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:20,840
Speaker 2: to process the severity of what happened, I'm just mad.

277
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Speaker 2: I want to make a scene in front of everyone

278
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Speaker 2: at the company and call this bastard out and leave.

279
00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:27,200
Speaker 2: What should I do? My heart is broken. I thought

280
00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:29,760
Speaker 2: I'd found a new family and a new job. Sincerely,

281
00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:33,080
Speaker 2: Vicky and Vicky, I know some stuff has sort of

282
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,360
Speaker 2: like come out a little bit since you wrote in

283
00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:37,160
Speaker 2: as well, right with like other.

284
00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:40,040
Speaker 1: Cares, I've got some updates, Hi, Vicky.

285
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:44,800
Speaker 5: Hi, So I did go forward with my information to

286
00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:50,040
Speaker 5: the COO, and they the disciplinary action that happened was

287
00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:53,040
Speaker 5: that this man was told that he can only work remotely. Now,

288
00:11:53,679 --> 00:11:56,679
Speaker 5: you know, everything was documented they said they were shocked,

289
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Speaker 5: they couldn't believe it, which I don't believe that they're

290
00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:04,000
Speaker 5: shocked at all. Anyway, they I thought, you know, maybe

291
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,200
Speaker 5: this had happened to somebody else, But they made me

292
00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:08,480
Speaker 5: sign this paper that said that I wouldn't talk about

293
00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:11,559
Speaker 5: it to preserve the culture, which is obviously amazing at

294
00:12:11,559 --> 00:12:14,360
Speaker 5: the company I work for. So I'm not supposed to

295
00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:16,880
Speaker 5: talk about it with other people or the disciplinary action

296
00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:19,559
Speaker 5: or why this guy doesn't come into the office anymore.

297
00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:21,920
Speaker 5: So I did talk to somebody and I asked them,

298
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:24,959
Speaker 5: I thought maybe she had a similar experience, and she had.

299
00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:28,800
Speaker 5: She's twenty four, she was young, and he actually grabbed

300
00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:31,280
Speaker 5: her butt and told her he would pay her twice

301
00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:33,439
Speaker 5: as much as she was making to be his becking

302
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:36,520
Speaker 5: call girl, you know, and like meet him wherever for sex.

303
00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:38,560
Speaker 5: And she said no.

304
00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:39,559
Speaker 3: She still worked for the.

305
00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:41,800
Speaker 5: Company, and she was crying when she told me. And

306
00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:45,400
Speaker 5: I was just like furious, because you know, I think

307
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:47,760
Speaker 5: it's probably a lot of women that have dealt with

308
00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:51,000
Speaker 5: this and stayed silent because she was scared she wouldn't,

309
00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:53,679
Speaker 5: you know, they wouldn't believe her, and you know, who

310
00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:57,120
Speaker 5: is she to make these accusations, so she never came forward.

311
00:12:57,800 --> 00:12:59,439
Speaker 1: And would she be willing to come forward?

312
00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:02,320
Speaker 5: Now I didn't ask her, but she did thank me

313
00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:05,960
Speaker 5: for coming forward. And that's kind of where we left at.

314
00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:08,640
Speaker 1: But I think she would Listen, you signed something.

315
00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:12,000
Speaker 4: I don't really know how binding all of that shit is,

316
00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:14,360
Speaker 4: because also there's new information. Now you're not just talking

317
00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:16,800
Speaker 4: about yourself, you're talking about that it's happened to other women.

318
00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:19,400
Speaker 4: And he's an owner of this company. What kind of

319
00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:20,959
Speaker 4: company is it.

320
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:25,040
Speaker 5: It's a construction company, so there's two original owners, but

321
00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:27,480
Speaker 5: they've been bought out by a private equity group, so

322
00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:29,880
Speaker 5: they have some ownership still.

323
00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:32,520
Speaker 2: And it's like a mid size company, so like not

324
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:35,000
Speaker 2: something tiny, not something some giant corporation.

325
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:38,880
Speaker 4: So yeah, and so your human resources department that's part

326
00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:40,679
Speaker 4: of the private equity human resources.

327
00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:43,600
Speaker 5: Right, we don't have a human resource department that I'm

328
00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:44,080
Speaker 5: aware of.

329
00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:46,320
Speaker 1: Okay, Well that's the first problem.

330
00:13:46,679 --> 00:13:49,360
Speaker 4: Yeah, I would, I would go back and go I'm sorry,

331
00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:51,480
Speaker 4: but I've learned that there are more than one person

332
00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:55,280
Speaker 4: without mentioning anyone's names without their permission, but that there's

333
00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:58,400
Speaker 4: more than one person that this happened to. And now

334
00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:00,680
Speaker 4: this is a different set of circumstances. So I want

335
00:14:00,679 --> 00:14:02,600
Speaker 4: to know what you're going to do because being working

336
00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:06,200
Speaker 4: him working remotely is inacceptable. Like this is now a

337
00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:10,120
Speaker 4: pattern of behavior, and these women are we're talking about

338
00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:12,160
Speaker 4: all coming forward. So what are you going to do

339
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:14,960
Speaker 4: to prevent this from happening? Because he needs to be removed.

340
00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:18,360
Speaker 4: This is not something that you work around. And I

341
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:21,360
Speaker 4: just don't think you could ever sit around. And I mean,

342
00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:23,640
Speaker 4: he's just going to do it again to someone else.

343
00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:25,320
Speaker 3: Right, and it definitely has been.

344
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:28,480
Speaker 2: If you are worried at all, you could say, like

345
00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:30,960
Speaker 2: she came to me, That's how I found out about this.

346
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:32,200
Speaker 3: I'm not going to reveal who.

347
00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:35,760
Speaker 2: It is, but like this seems to me like something

348
00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:38,600
Speaker 2: they know is happening and is a pattern of behavior,

349
00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:42,120
Speaker 2: like they already I would imagine knew about this before you,

350
00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:45,680
Speaker 2: because this doesn't sound like his first if he immediately

351
00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:47,400
Speaker 2: was like, oh, can I pay you to be silent?

352
00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:49,240
Speaker 3: Like he he.

353
00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:52,120
Speaker 2: Knows how this goes, he knows what is going to

354
00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:56,120
Speaker 2: happen next, And I know you need the job and everything,

355
00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:59,240
Speaker 2: but the fact that they didn't even offer you anything

356
00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:01,400
Speaker 2: for your silence, They just were like, hey, sign this

357
00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:03,560
Speaker 2: that honestly makes me kind of pissed.

358
00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:09,440
Speaker 5: Yeah, I don't think it's that legally binding, Like no, yeah.

359
00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:12,120
Speaker 2: And it's just about not talking to coworkers, right, it's

360
00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:12,840
Speaker 2: not you know.

361
00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:15,800
Speaker 5: They also had told me in a verbal conversation that

362
00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:17,840
Speaker 5: I was getting a fat raise this year, and then

363
00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:20,800
Speaker 5: after that was before this happened, and then after it happened,

364
00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:24,000
Speaker 5: my fat raise was three thousand dollars, so it came

365
00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:27,280
Speaker 5: out to ten dollars a week on a paycheck after

366
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:28,400
Speaker 5: my taxes.

367
00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:29,160
Speaker 3: So not that bad.

368
00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:31,360
Speaker 5: I mean, that's not what I don't think they would

369
00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:32,160
Speaker 5: consider it fat.

370
00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:32,880
Speaker 6: No.

371
00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:36,720
Speaker 2: I will also say I talked to an attorney and

372
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:39,280
Speaker 2: they said she needs to talk to a lawyer. So

373
00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:43,160
Speaker 2: keep documents of everything, keep records of everything. But you

374
00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:45,200
Speaker 2: should probably go see it an attorney as well.

375
00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:48,240
Speaker 5: Yeah, I'm definitely going to. I think it's just I

376
00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:51,680
Speaker 5: think it's my responsibility as a woman raised by Chelsea,

377
00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:55,120
Speaker 5: to you know, to speak up for other women. And

378
00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:57,280
Speaker 5: I think, you know, we've all had it, Like it's enough.

379
00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:01,720
Speaker 5: I mean they've been getting away with this behavior and enough.

380
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:03,560
Speaker 5: I'm not gonna just I'm not going to live in

381
00:16:03,560 --> 00:16:05,320
Speaker 5: a world where I don't have a voice, you know,

382
00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:07,800
Speaker 5: and I have a lot to offer and I want

383
00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:10,480
Speaker 5: to be rewarded for that in the workplace, and I

384
00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:12,600
Speaker 5: want to have a safe work environment for myself and

385
00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:13,240
Speaker 5: for everybody.

386
00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:14,800
Speaker 1: Good for you, Good for you.

387
00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:17,000
Speaker 4: I love everything you're saying, and you're right, you know,

388
00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:19,400
Speaker 4: some people are not as strong as you, and sometimes,

389
00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:23,080
Speaker 4: like I feel very responsible for being a strong, strong

390
00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:25,160
Speaker 4: woman for all the other women that aren't going to

391
00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:26,840
Speaker 4: be strong, like I'm standing up for them.

392
00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:28,560
Speaker 1: So and I think you're the same.

393
00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:30,560
Speaker 4: So I think that you just take that with you

394
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:33,440
Speaker 4: in every step you take in this arena, because they

395
00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:35,040
Speaker 4: need to get rid of him. He doesn't get to

396
00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:36,800
Speaker 4: be an owner and offer people two thousand first of all,

397
00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:41,520
Speaker 4: two thousand dollars for sex is insulting, Like, I know, excuse.

398
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:45,200
Speaker 5: Me, I know, Demi Moore got a million and Robert Redford,

399
00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:45,480
Speaker 5: you know.

400
00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:46,840
Speaker 1: Right, right right?

401
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:48,400
Speaker 3: Does this guy look like Robert Redford?

402
00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:52,920
Speaker 2: Because hey, well no, I think the thing I would

403
00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:55,120
Speaker 2: have been more also offended by is like, wait, you're

404
00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:56,360
Speaker 2: talking to other people about.

405
00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:57,800
Speaker 3: This too, You're trying to do other people.

406
00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:01,080
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, just be ah are for women, you know,

407
00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:04,800
Speaker 4: just keep that in your mind and please don't like

408
00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:05,600
Speaker 4: let this go.

409
00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:07,000
Speaker 5: No, I'm not.

410
00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:10,800
Speaker 3: I'm on it. Give us updates, please do we would.

411
00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:13,000
Speaker 5: Like to hear take care, thank you.

412
00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:15,919
Speaker 3: Yeah. I talked to a lawyer and she was like,

413
00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:17,800
Speaker 3: sue the shit out of them, Like she needs to

414
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:18,880
Speaker 3: sue them. That's insane.

415
00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:19,960
Speaker 1: It's unbelievable.

416
00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:22,920
Speaker 4: I just love the psychology of thinking about how men

417
00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:26,719
Speaker 4: in this day and age still are thinking that they

418
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:29,000
Speaker 4: can get away with shit like that because they can.

419
00:17:29,359 --> 00:17:31,400
Speaker 1: They can in all walks of life. They still get

420
00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:31,920
Speaker 1: away with it.

421
00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:35,520
Speaker 4: And you're like, excuse me, you cannot offer to have

422
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:38,240
Speaker 4: sex pay money to have sex with me as an.

423
00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:39,560
Speaker 3: Employee at your work.

424
00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:42,960
Speaker 4: Please go do that with someone on the street or

425
00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:44,280
Speaker 4: some woman you meet.

426
00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:46,119
Speaker 3: Somewhere else who is a sex worker.

427
00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:47,679
Speaker 1: It's so stupid.

428
00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:51,639
Speaker 3: My favorite part, though, is like, who is trying to

429
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:55,240
Speaker 3: hit on their coworkers through LinkedIn? Like what a total lamo?

430
00:17:56,080 --> 00:17:57,480
Speaker 3: I just thought that was so ridiculous.

431
00:17:57,480 --> 00:17:59,119
Speaker 4: Well, I think that goes hand in hand with offering

432
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:01,959
Speaker 4: someone two thousand to have sex, right, step it up,

433
00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:04,399
Speaker 4: hitting on someone on LinkedIn using that as a rayah

434
00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:08,680
Speaker 4: and then yeah.

435
00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:12,520
Speaker 2: Uh okay, Well our next caller, Stephanie has gotten sober

436
00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:17,479
Speaker 2: and has some questions about dealing with past mistakes. Dear Chelsea,

437
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:20,800
Speaker 2: I've been personally struggling with grieving the past and honoring

438
00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:24,080
Speaker 2: my sobriety. In January, I recently hit a year, but

439
00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:26,760
Speaker 2: the emotions make me feel like I'm still in month four.

440
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:29,920
Speaker 2: A few years ago, I was a real jerk to

441
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:32,480
Speaker 2: loved ones and friends around me and didn't realize I

442
00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:35,440
Speaker 2: was inflicting pain on others due to my trauma responses.

443
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:39,560
Speaker 2: I've been in emotionally abusive relationships and haven't fully dealt

444
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:42,280
Speaker 2: with a sexual assault when I was fourteen, which I've

445
00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:43,639
Speaker 2: discovered in therapy led me.

446
00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:44,560
Speaker 3: To drinking pretty young.

447
00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:48,320
Speaker 2: Unfortunately, I guess in this area, I struggle with self

448
00:18:48,359 --> 00:18:52,520
Speaker 2: forgiveness looking back. Being on medication and quitting drinking alcohol

449
00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:54,919
Speaker 2: a year ago has led me to uncork the bottled

450
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:58,560
Speaker 2: up feelings pun very much intended for context. I was

451
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:01,320
Speaker 2: so hammered once at a friend's engagement party that the

452
00:19:01,359 --> 00:19:03,960
Speaker 2: hangover lasted three whole days, and I have never even

453
00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:08,000
Speaker 2: wanted to smell alcohol wine specifically, since then. I find

454
00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:10,320
Speaker 2: it hard to push past how heavy these emotions are,

455
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:12,679
Speaker 2: no matter how much time has passed. In terms of

456
00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:15,320
Speaker 2: grieving all of the past. Do you have any tips

457
00:19:15,359 --> 00:19:18,240
Speaker 2: that don't require me sitting down and meditating with the thoughts.

458
00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:21,840
Speaker 2: I am insanely hyperactive and have a difficult time sitting still,

459
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:24,840
Speaker 2: but find hands on and movement type of activities can

460
00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:28,800
Speaker 2: be helpful. Yes, I have ADHD. I lost certain friendships

461
00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:31,200
Speaker 2: when I decided to get sober as well. To throw

462
00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:33,600
Speaker 2: even more of a curveball, I stopped smoking weed and

463
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:35,840
Speaker 2: taking edibles for the time being, because I was also

464
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:38,919
Speaker 2: using that as a major coping mechanism. How do you

465
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:41,560
Speaker 2: experience the stages of grief and do you have any

466
00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:42,840
Speaker 2: tips for getting through them?

467
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:46,680
Speaker 3: All the best stuff? Hi staff, high staff.

468
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:50,400
Speaker 4: Hello, good for you for getting sober and for quitting

469
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:52,960
Speaker 4: weed and using all of kit taking away all of

470
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:54,399
Speaker 4: your aids.

471
00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:57,240
Speaker 1: Thanks. That's tough.

472
00:19:57,520 --> 00:20:00,560
Speaker 6: It's been one of those journeys where I'll just be

473
00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:03,119
Speaker 6: like really deep and thought about something and I'm like, well,

474
00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:06,960
Speaker 6: I could go back to that whatever I was doing prior,

475
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:09,919
Speaker 6: But then in the moment I'm like, okay, well let's

476
00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:13,480
Speaker 6: let's get this all focused and focus on the breathing

477
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:16,160
Speaker 6: and all that. So it's been pretty cool.

478
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:17,399
Speaker 1: Well that's great.

479
00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:21,919
Speaker 4: I mean listen, your vehemence against and meditation leads me

480
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:23,680
Speaker 4: to believe that you would probably.

481
00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:24,719
Speaker 1: Benefit the most from it.

482
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:28,400
Speaker 4: Anyone who really doesn't want to do something like that

483
00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:31,560
Speaker 4: that is always beneficial, that has scientifically proven to work,

484
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:35,119
Speaker 4: I think would be a great tool for you because

485
00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:37,280
Speaker 4: of your adamance against it.

486
00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:39,920
Speaker 1: So let's that is one thing.

487
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,080
Speaker 4: But like the fact that you're already kind of on

488
00:20:43,119 --> 00:20:45,520
Speaker 4: your way to that, and and you know, we talk

489
00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:47,840
Speaker 4: about meditation a lot on this podcast, but it really

490
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:52,480
Speaker 4: is about centering yourself, setting yourself up for success each day.

491
00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:54,760
Speaker 1: Each day you're like, this is great. I'm going to

492
00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:55,240
Speaker 1: crush it.

493
00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:57,960
Speaker 4: I'm going to be balanced, centered, non reactive, and I'm

494
00:20:57,960 --> 00:20:59,639
Speaker 4: going to use the tools that I have, whether they

495
00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:03,320
Speaker 4: being like positive affirmations in the morning, waking up and

496
00:21:03,359 --> 00:21:04,840
Speaker 4: being like I wake up every morning and I look

497
00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:06,680
Speaker 4: in the mirror and I'm like, look at you. You're

498
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:09,040
Speaker 4: a cutie pie, and look what you're gonna do today.

499
00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:11,720
Speaker 4: Like I literally talk to myself like that because I

500
00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:14,440
Speaker 4: want to be in playful mode as much as possible, you.

501
00:21:14,359 --> 00:21:17,000
Speaker 1: Know what I mean. I don't want to be stressed

502
00:21:17,119 --> 00:21:19,760
Speaker 1: or reactive or get upset. I don't want to be angry.

503
00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:20,879
Speaker 1: I don't want to lose my temper.

504
00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:23,160
Speaker 4: So we all have our kind of shortcomings that we're

505
00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:26,919
Speaker 4: working against, right Like, whatever our personality attributes are or

506
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:31,160
Speaker 4: defaults are. And I think that you're already, like you've

507
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:35,000
Speaker 4: done so much stuff to better yourself, there's really no

508
00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:37,719
Speaker 4: stopping you now. So it's kind of whatever you decide

509
00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:41,159
Speaker 4: is going to set you up each day and to understand,

510
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:44,479
Speaker 4: like one of the greatest things about about meditation is

511
00:21:44,560 --> 00:21:49,240
Speaker 4: sitting still and just letting emotions move through you. And

512
00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:51,760
Speaker 4: you don't necessarily have to do a mantra or something

513
00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:54,359
Speaker 4: like I do a mantra every day with whatever guided

514
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:56,680
Speaker 4: meditation I do, and I don't do it every day,

515
00:21:56,960 --> 00:21:59,600
Speaker 4: you know, every single day, But you can do that

516
00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:02,760
Speaker 4: without out, without the guided meditation, you could just sit

517
00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:05,399
Speaker 4: and be like, this is me today, this is what

518
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:07,919
Speaker 4: I'm gonna do. I'm not gonna drink, I'm not gonna smoke,

519
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:09,720
Speaker 4: I'm going to be in my body. I'm going to

520
00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:14,040
Speaker 4: experience my grief, but nothing is going to consume me,

521
00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:16,320
Speaker 4: you know. So it's kind of just like writing a

522
00:22:16,359 --> 00:22:19,120
Speaker 4: love letter to yourself and then honoring that each day

523
00:22:19,119 --> 00:22:21,520
Speaker 4: when you wake up and being like, Okay, this is

524
00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:23,280
Speaker 4: who I am, and this is who I want to be,

525
00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:24,520
Speaker 4: and this is where I'm going.

526
00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:26,080
Speaker 1: You know, the past is the past.

527
00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:29,520
Speaker 4: Don't worry about that because you're correcting so many things

528
00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:32,120
Speaker 4: and moving into your future with such love and light.

529
00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:33,560
Speaker 1: Just add to that.

530
00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:36,320
Speaker 4: Anything you choose to do, whether it's a mantra, whether

531
00:22:36,359 --> 00:22:40,040
Speaker 4: it's positive affirmations, whether it's writing down making a gratitude

532
00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:44,040
Speaker 4: journal each day, or whether it's silent meditation, group meditation,

533
00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:47,720
Speaker 4: you know, whatever it is that you click with, you

534
00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:50,679
Speaker 4: should try and exhaust all of those things. Like try

535
00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:52,959
Speaker 4: something for two weeks and then if you're like it's

536
00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:55,640
Speaker 4: not working, okay, fine, but you'll be surprised what will

537
00:22:55,680 --> 00:23:00,960
Speaker 4: work for you when you're of present mind and you're open, yeah, helpful.

538
00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:03,080
Speaker 2: And are you doing any kind of like twelve step

539
00:23:03,119 --> 00:23:05,520
Speaker 2: anything anything like that, or you were just like, I

540
00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:06,480
Speaker 2: never want to drink again.

541
00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:10,040
Speaker 6: Yeah, so I kind of made that decision. I had

542
00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:13,679
Speaker 6: my friend's engagement party and I got so hammered. It

543
00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:16,760
Speaker 6: lasted three days. My hangover it was terrible. I think

544
00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:21,480
Speaker 6: it was also bad wine, But I digress, and I

545
00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:24,240
Speaker 6: kind of just woke up like after that weekend and

546
00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:27,679
Speaker 6: being like, I never even want to smell this ever again,

547
00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:29,200
Speaker 6: I don't even want to I don't even want to

548
00:23:29,240 --> 00:23:32,040
Speaker 6: look at it. So I'm not in any program. However,

549
00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:35,480
Speaker 6: a friend of mine who both of our one year

550
00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:37,960
Speaker 6: dates are kind of around the same time, she actually

551
00:23:38,040 --> 00:23:41,800
Speaker 6: co founded this organization called ap Sober Socials. They're based

552
00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:44,280
Speaker 6: in Asbury Park, New Jersey, but they have a bunch

553
00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:47,800
Speaker 6: of you know, activities for people who are looking to

554
00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:51,800
Speaker 6: have a community and you know, support the poetry readings.

555
00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:54,600
Speaker 6: They did karaoke a few times at one of the

556
00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:56,200
Speaker 6: vegan spots over there.

557
00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:57,520
Speaker 1: Oh vegan karaoke.

558
00:23:58,720 --> 00:23:59,960
Speaker 6: Oh it's such a blast.

559
00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:03,320
Speaker 1: I can imagine being in sofer karaoke.

560
00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:05,920
Speaker 2: Yes, what Chelsea was saying as far as like meditation

561
00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:08,639
Speaker 2: and having a mantra, I love that. And if you

562
00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:11,679
Speaker 2: are finding you can't you know, still still can't focus,

563
00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:14,159
Speaker 2: you might try adding some movement in with that. So

564
00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:17,720
Speaker 2: adding in some yoga, which is very meditative, but like

565
00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:19,960
Speaker 2: having a mantra while you're doing that, I think can

566
00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:21,679
Speaker 2: help get some of it out of your like the

567
00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:23,200
Speaker 2: guilt feelings out of your body.

568
00:24:23,760 --> 00:24:24,680
Speaker 3: And then also I.

569
00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:27,520
Speaker 2: Was just thinking, this feels like maybe something to journal

570
00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:29,480
Speaker 2: about too. I don't know if you do any journaling,

571
00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:33,720
Speaker 2: but just being like curious with yourself about like why

572
00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:36,000
Speaker 2: do I have these sort of like cyclical thoughts about

573
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:39,720
Speaker 2: guilt around this or any other specific times, and doing

574
00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:42,600
Speaker 2: some journaling around that, and then once you've sort of

575
00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:45,639
Speaker 2: examined that for yourself, maybe writing a letter just so

576
00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:46,120
Speaker 2: you can be.

577
00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:49,040
Speaker 3: Like, hey, I messed up.

578
00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:52,440
Speaker 2: I love you getting it out to them, and even

579
00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:54,320
Speaker 2: if you get no response, you'll know like your side

580
00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:58,000
Speaker 2: of the street is clean, and just like finding ways

581
00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:00,280
Speaker 2: to get that sort of outside of you. But it

582
00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:02,240
Speaker 2: sounds like you're doing some a lot of active things

583
00:25:02,320 --> 00:25:04,640
Speaker 2: and putting community around you, which is amazing.

584
00:25:05,359 --> 00:25:05,719
Speaker 5: Yeah.

585
00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:09,400
Speaker 6: I also I do the aerial arts, so like poll

586
00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:13,080
Speaker 6: and stuff. And also that's become like such a stable

587
00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:15,520
Speaker 6: ground for me just kind of like you know, working

588
00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:17,679
Speaker 6: on new moves and like challenging myself. And there's a

589
00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:21,320
Speaker 6: whole like neurological thing about it where like you know,

590
00:25:21,359 --> 00:25:24,320
Speaker 6: it can open up different neuropathways and like your brain

591
00:25:24,359 --> 00:25:27,919
Speaker 6: and stuff, and just like putting yourself in situations that

592
00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:29,440
Speaker 6: you normally wouldn't.

593
00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:30,520
Speaker 1: Good that's awesome.

594
00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:31,800
Speaker 5: Yeah.

595
00:25:32,119 --> 00:25:34,040
Speaker 4: I also like to think in terms of like self

596
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:35,920
Speaker 4: help and betterment. I like to think of it as

597
00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:40,359
Speaker 4: like a positive pyramid scheme, Like you're you're piling in like, Okay,

598
00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:42,240
Speaker 4: you go to therapy, you quit drinking, you go to

599
00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:44,000
Speaker 4: you know, you quit your smoking weed, and you do

600
00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:46,439
Speaker 4: all these good things for yourself. You're doing this it

601
00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:49,480
Speaker 4: kind of exercise and like kind of spiritual exercise in

602
00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:52,920
Speaker 4: your explanation of it, And you're piling all these things

603
00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:54,879
Speaker 4: on to like think of a blanket and you're just

604
00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:58,200
Speaker 4: piling them all on. You're basically like building this kind

605
00:25:58,280 --> 00:26:00,399
Speaker 4: of like protective.

606
00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:01,560
Speaker 1: Voting around yourself, you know.

607
00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:04,359
Speaker 4: So like the more that you can add to that pile,

608
00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:07,480
Speaker 4: like Okay, this brings me joy, this brings me calm,

609
00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:10,119
Speaker 4: This brings me comfort and clarity, like the more that

610
00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:12,719
Speaker 4: you are protecting your like kind of soul and your

611
00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:16,080
Speaker 4: and your person. And instead of thinking of it as

612
00:26:16,119 --> 00:26:19,560
Speaker 4: like a defense, I think of it as like just armor,

613
00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:22,479
Speaker 4: you know, like very protective armor, so that you are

614
00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:26,119
Speaker 4: always protected by yourself. And so whenever I think of like,

615
00:26:26,160 --> 00:26:28,159
Speaker 4: oh okay, I'm going to add this to my repertoire.

616
00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:30,639
Speaker 4: I'm going to do this journaling for a month or whatever,

617
00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:33,199
Speaker 4: I decide to do. I always think of like this

618
00:26:33,240 --> 00:26:36,040
Speaker 4: blanket where I'm just putting more and more goodness on it,

619
00:26:36,119 --> 00:26:38,119
Speaker 4: you know, so that that is my comfort zone. And

620
00:26:38,200 --> 00:26:40,840
Speaker 4: I'm in that blanket surrounded by all of the tools

621
00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:42,960
Speaker 4: that I've learned. So I think if you kind of

622
00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:45,600
Speaker 4: like picture that and whatever that means for you, you know,

623
00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:48,960
Speaker 4: but just think of that like self preservation, self protection

624
00:26:49,440 --> 00:26:52,120
Speaker 4: in a positive way, not in a defensive way.

625
00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:56,000
Speaker 6: Yeah, do you find that because I know some people

626
00:26:56,760 --> 00:26:59,960
Speaker 6: you know, I'll post those like thirty day like journaling challenges,

627
00:27:00,119 --> 00:27:02,399
Speaker 6: is that it's on a specific prompt and then you

628
00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:05,240
Speaker 6: know each time you're like diving deeper, do you find

629
00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:08,760
Speaker 6: those to be helpful or do you kind of just

630
00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:11,480
Speaker 6: go based off of how you're feeling and kind of

631
00:27:11,480 --> 00:27:13,120
Speaker 6: go from there, Because I feel like for me, there's

632
00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:16,119
Speaker 6: like so many different thoughts going at once, so like

633
00:27:16,200 --> 00:27:19,119
Speaker 6: in order to like focus on one specific area, I

634
00:27:19,119 --> 00:27:21,480
Speaker 6: feel like I would need a prompt.

635
00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:22,760
Speaker 1: But I was just curious.

636
00:27:23,119 --> 00:27:25,639
Speaker 4: Well, I mean, I think whatever I think, it doesn't matter,

637
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:27,320
Speaker 4: you know what I mean, as long as you're putting

638
00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:30,920
Speaker 4: effort toward yourself and healing yourself, and like, it doesn't

639
00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:34,200
Speaker 4: matter what it is. Yes, for you with ADHD, a

640
00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:36,760
Speaker 4: prompt would be good. And I think you'll be very

641
00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:41,600
Speaker 4: surprised from meditating. I had bad ADD before I meditated.

642
00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:44,679
Speaker 4: I don't think I have ADHD. I have ADD, but

643
00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:48,560
Speaker 4: I don't. I can focus so easily now, like the

644
00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:51,280
Speaker 4: benefits you reap from it, you are not even like

645
00:27:51,320 --> 00:27:53,520
Speaker 4: you don't even know what they are yet. So I

646
00:27:53,600 --> 00:27:57,240
Speaker 4: just wouldn't ever say, like dismiss something, you know, like yes,

647
00:27:57,359 --> 00:27:59,520
Speaker 4: go journal and get a prompt if that's going to

648
00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:02,359
Speaker 4: help you focus. But all of these exercises are going

649
00:28:02,359 --> 00:28:04,800
Speaker 4: to help in your focus in general. They're going to

650
00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:07,000
Speaker 4: make you be able to pay more attention for longer

651
00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:10,240
Speaker 4: periods of time. And it's just they're all training exercises

652
00:28:10,240 --> 00:28:12,840
Speaker 4: for the brain, and it's an act of self love,

653
00:28:13,080 --> 00:28:13,879
Speaker 4: all all of it is.

654
00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:18,359
Speaker 3: Yeah. I found that as well, is when I'm meditating

655
00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:21,720
Speaker 3: really regularly, my attention span just like gets a lot

656
00:28:21,840 --> 00:28:24,440
Speaker 3: longer and it really helps with my ADHD as well.

657
00:28:24,720 --> 00:28:26,760
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I think try those prompts. I think that'd

658
00:28:26,800 --> 00:28:30,199
Speaker 2: be amazing. And also when you are meditating, you know,

659
00:28:30,320 --> 00:28:32,960
Speaker 2: have a mantra or do like breath counts. For me,

660
00:28:33,240 --> 00:28:36,080
Speaker 2: it helps keep my mind from wandering off. It's just

661
00:28:36,119 --> 00:28:37,760
Speaker 2: being able to you know, doing one to ten, doing

662
00:28:37,800 --> 00:28:40,760
Speaker 2: box breathing. You know, there's a ton of different ways

663
00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:41,480
Speaker 2: to do breath counts.

664
00:28:41,520 --> 00:28:43,000
Speaker 1: So all right, is that helpful?

665
00:28:43,800 --> 00:28:44,040
Speaker 5: Yes?

666
00:28:44,760 --> 00:28:45,400
Speaker 6: Absolutely?

667
00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:49,040
Speaker 1: Okay, great, Well, congrats on everything you've accomplished. I'm proud

668
00:28:49,040 --> 00:28:52,920
Speaker 1: of you, even though I don't know you. Thank you.

669
00:28:54,320 --> 00:28:56,720
Speaker 3: All right, Thanks stuff, keep us posted, check in with

670
00:28:56,800 --> 00:28:59,800
Speaker 3: us in thirty days. Okay, alrighty, thank you so much.

671
00:29:00,520 --> 00:29:04,360
Speaker 1: Bye, take care, Hi, Cuty.

672
00:29:05,560 --> 00:29:07,560
Speaker 2: I think that's so interesting with like how you were

673
00:29:07,560 --> 00:29:10,240
Speaker 2: saying your attention span gets longer or it's like help

674
00:29:10,320 --> 00:29:13,400
Speaker 2: with your add It's weird how how that can help.

675
00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:17,040
Speaker 4: Yeah, because you think add. Yeah, no, you have control

676
00:29:17,080 --> 00:29:19,640
Speaker 4: over your ADD. I didn't learn that until I started meditating.

677
00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:20,600
Speaker 1: And it's such a relief.

678
00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:23,680
Speaker 4: I even, like, you know, even being here is meditative

679
00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:25,440
Speaker 4: for me because I have so much other stuff going on.

680
00:29:25,480 --> 00:29:27,200
Speaker 4: I'm skiing, I'm not on my phone, I'm not on

681
00:29:27,280 --> 00:29:28,960
Speaker 4: socials nearly as much.

682
00:29:29,320 --> 00:29:30,680
Speaker 1: I barely check anything.

683
00:29:31,120 --> 00:29:33,720
Speaker 4: And like I saw, my screen time last week was

684
00:29:33,760 --> 00:29:36,920
Speaker 4: like down forty seven percent. Each week it's down another

685
00:29:37,080 --> 00:29:39,840
Speaker 4: you know, and I'm like, oh, awesome, awesome, awesome.

686
00:29:40,280 --> 00:29:42,080
Speaker 1: You know, I don't want to be someone who's sitting

687
00:29:42,120 --> 00:29:43,640
Speaker 1: here tied to my phone. I don't want to.

688
00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:45,760
Speaker 4: I mean, it's different because I'm in Whistler, so I

689
00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:48,120
Speaker 4: have skiing and I have guests all the time. It's

690
00:29:48,160 --> 00:29:50,040
Speaker 4: different than being at home in La, where I'm you.

691
00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:52,240
Speaker 1: Know, more prone to be like looking at my.

692
00:29:52,200 --> 00:29:54,480
Speaker 3: Oh, I think you're busy, so you're like, okay, got

693
00:29:54,600 --> 00:29:55,520
Speaker 3: to turn my brain off.

694
00:29:55,800 --> 00:29:59,000
Speaker 4: Yeah yeah, But it's it's nice to not be so

695
00:29:59,160 --> 00:30:02,600
Speaker 4: reliant on your It's nice to not check it or

696
00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:05,240
Speaker 4: be obsessed or look at your you know, be obsessed

697
00:30:05,240 --> 00:30:06,960
Speaker 4: with how many how you're posted.

698
00:30:07,120 --> 00:30:09,280
Speaker 1: You know, it's nice to like let all that go.

699
00:30:09,960 --> 00:30:10,840
Speaker 1: Not controlling the.

700
00:30:10,800 --> 00:30:14,600
Speaker 4: Outcome of things is like my my thing this season.

701
00:30:15,120 --> 00:30:17,479
Speaker 4: Just don't try to control the outcome of things. Let

702
00:30:17,520 --> 00:30:20,440
Speaker 4: everything happen the way it's supposed to happen. Instead of

703
00:30:20,480 --> 00:30:22,760
Speaker 4: inserting myself and being like, no, I'm going to make

704
00:30:22,800 --> 00:30:24,760
Speaker 4: this happen. It's like, no, no, I don't need to

705
00:30:24,760 --> 00:30:27,040
Speaker 4: make anything happen. I've made enough happen. Now, I want

706
00:30:27,080 --> 00:30:28,280
Speaker 4: to sit back and enjoy the show.

707
00:30:30,360 --> 00:30:32,440
Speaker 2: My my thing that I've been sort of focusing on

708
00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:36,640
Speaker 2: lately is just like taking a beat before making a

709
00:30:36,680 --> 00:30:39,360
Speaker 2: decision on something or even responding.

710
00:30:40,040 --> 00:30:42,120
Speaker 3: Sometimes I realize like if I just like give it

711
00:30:42,160 --> 00:30:42,880
Speaker 3: a couple.

712
00:30:42,560 --> 00:30:47,680
Speaker 2: Of days, I find I realize new things about the situation.

713
00:30:48,120 --> 00:30:50,240
Speaker 3: And I also find like I'm not.

714
00:30:50,240 --> 00:30:52,720
Speaker 2: As activated by it, so I can sort of think

715
00:30:52,760 --> 00:30:53,600
Speaker 2: more clearly about it.

716
00:30:53,600 --> 00:30:56,040
Speaker 3: And oftentimes I find like I actually.

717
00:30:55,720 --> 00:30:58,440
Speaker 2: Don't need to have any drama around that or even

718
00:30:58,480 --> 00:31:02,719
Speaker 2: confront something or it's usually little stuff, but yeah, I'm

719
00:31:02,760 --> 00:31:04,440
Speaker 2: finding that to be really helpful is just being like,

720
00:31:04,440 --> 00:31:07,320
Speaker 2: what if I just don't try to fix this right now?

721
00:31:07,440 --> 00:31:11,320
Speaker 4: Yeah, and also not reacting to things like sometimes something

722
00:31:11,320 --> 00:31:13,320
Speaker 4: will happen and I'm like, I don't like that, and

723
00:31:13,320 --> 00:31:15,400
Speaker 4: then it's like, who cares, It doesn't matter if I

724
00:31:15,400 --> 00:31:18,840
Speaker 4: don't like it, it doesn't matter. Just move on, Like, don't focus.

725
00:31:18,880 --> 00:31:21,160
Speaker 4: I don't have to address every single thing I don't like.

726
00:31:22,000 --> 00:31:25,120
Speaker 3: And it just is like it's nice to let yourself

727
00:31:25,200 --> 00:31:27,360
Speaker 3: off the hook that you don't have to fix everything,

728
00:31:27,360 --> 00:31:31,040
Speaker 3: you don't have to deal with everything, and I don't know,

729
00:31:31,280 --> 00:31:32,240
Speaker 3: it's more relaxing.

730
00:31:33,320 --> 00:31:38,800
Speaker 2: Our last question comes from Melina. She's twenty eight. Dear Chelsea,

731
00:31:38,880 --> 00:31:43,959
Speaker 2: my name is Melina. I'm twenty eight Indigenous Navajo, transfeminine, bisexual, single,

732
00:31:44,080 --> 00:31:47,120
Speaker 2: and I love a Long Island iced tea. Lately, I've

733
00:31:47,120 --> 00:31:49,960
Speaker 2: been having an issue with one of my two older sisters.

734
00:31:50,080 --> 00:31:53,240
Speaker 2: I'm the youngest. She's always been a bit troubled. She's

735
00:31:53,240 --> 00:31:55,400
Speaker 2: matured and has come to find herself in a place

736
00:31:55,440 --> 00:31:58,200
Speaker 2: of healing from alcoholism and is now staying in the

737
00:31:58,200 --> 00:32:00,840
Speaker 2: same city as me. Although I'm very happy for her,

738
00:32:00,880 --> 00:32:03,040
Speaker 2: we were never very close growing up, and we'd have

739
00:32:03,080 --> 00:32:05,480
Speaker 2: moments where it felt like we would bond, but something

740
00:32:05,520 --> 00:32:08,959
Speaker 2: would uproot it. I became independent and found success in

741
00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:12,000
Speaker 2: my own way. I live alone, I work, I've found friends,

742
00:32:12,040 --> 00:32:14,080
Speaker 2: I have a chosen family, and despite having a bit

743
00:32:14,080 --> 00:32:17,480
Speaker 2: of a problem with alcohol, I'm overall very happy. My

744
00:32:17,600 --> 00:32:20,360
Speaker 2: issue is this, my middle sister is starting to come

745
00:32:20,400 --> 00:32:22,800
Speaker 2: around and trying to care about me. I know it's

746
00:32:22,840 --> 00:32:25,440
Speaker 2: genuinely coming from a place of love and trying to

747
00:32:25,440 --> 00:32:27,800
Speaker 2: patch up our past, and while I'm not against that,

748
00:32:27,880 --> 00:32:30,400
Speaker 2: I really don't feel that I need it. I know

749
00:32:30,440 --> 00:32:32,560
Speaker 2: how to take care of myself. She wants me to

750
00:32:32,560 --> 00:32:34,880
Speaker 2: spill all my feelings and lean on her any chance

751
00:32:34,920 --> 00:32:36,840
Speaker 2: I can, and it annoys me because in the back

752
00:32:36,880 --> 00:32:38,320
Speaker 2: of my head I want to tell her I don't

753
00:32:38,320 --> 00:32:40,480
Speaker 2: need an older sister now. I needed one back then.

754
00:32:41,640 --> 00:32:43,600
Speaker 2: She and I don't have bad blood and I don't

755
00:32:43,600 --> 00:32:46,720
Speaker 2: harbor resentment for any of the past things. Besides, when

756
00:32:46,760 --> 00:32:49,360
Speaker 2: she tries to do this, I appreciate it, but at

757
00:32:49,360 --> 00:32:52,440
Speaker 2: times it feels pushy and intrusive. Am I inconsiderate for

758
00:32:52,560 --> 00:32:55,640
Speaker 2: not wanting to let her in. I express myself emotionally

759
00:32:55,680 --> 00:32:57,360
Speaker 2: to a lot of people, but for some reason, she

760
00:32:57,400 --> 00:33:00,000
Speaker 2: feels more like a stranger than most. Please let me

761
00:33:00,120 --> 00:33:02,840
Speaker 2: know your thoughts. I love you your mindset, your comedy,

762
00:33:02,920 --> 00:33:05,600
Speaker 2: your work ethic, and your overall attitude on life. Thanks

763
00:33:05,640 --> 00:33:07,640
Speaker 2: so much for any advice. Molina.

764
00:33:07,880 --> 00:33:09,160
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think, Melina.

765
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:11,239
Speaker 4: I honestly, what I'm hearing from you is that you're

766
00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:14,600
Speaker 4: holding a grudge against your sister. And listen, she might

767
00:33:14,640 --> 00:33:18,160
Speaker 4: be overstepping, but she at least she's trying to be

768
00:33:18,240 --> 00:33:21,280
Speaker 4: your sister now and you can't change the past. So

769
00:33:21,400 --> 00:33:23,120
Speaker 4: she didn't show up for you when you wanted her

770
00:33:23,120 --> 00:33:27,320
Speaker 4: to the most, but she's here now and that kind

771
00:33:27,360 --> 00:33:31,080
Speaker 4: of like grudge holding isn't helpful. Even if you don't

772
00:33:31,120 --> 00:33:33,280
Speaker 4: think you're holding a grudge, I'm telling you that's what

773
00:33:33,320 --> 00:33:35,520
Speaker 4: you're doing. I needed her then, I don't need her

774
00:33:35,560 --> 00:33:38,600
Speaker 4: now is a grudge. So I think that you could

775
00:33:38,640 --> 00:33:41,239
Speaker 4: be a little bit more open hearted with her, and

776
00:33:41,520 --> 00:33:45,200
Speaker 4: you don't have to let her be your confidant, but

777
00:33:45,320 --> 00:33:48,760
Speaker 4: you can meet her halfway and allow her to be

778
00:33:48,800 --> 00:33:51,480
Speaker 4: in your life in a loving way, like give back

779
00:33:51,520 --> 00:33:53,760
Speaker 4: the love that she's showing you. Even if it's pushy

780
00:33:54,120 --> 00:33:59,239
Speaker 4: to you, just accept it more than reject it, you know,

781
00:33:59,400 --> 00:34:02,680
Speaker 4: just open it, like yourself to it. And you don't

782
00:34:02,720 --> 00:34:06,720
Speaker 4: know how nice and helpful it can be at any time,

783
00:34:06,840 --> 00:34:08,759
Speaker 4: Like you might be going through something down the road

784
00:34:08,760 --> 00:34:10,400
Speaker 4: in two years and you're going to be so grateful

785
00:34:10,400 --> 00:34:12,720
Speaker 4: that you have your sister and that you have formed

786
00:34:12,719 --> 00:34:13,680
Speaker 4: this relationship and.

787
00:34:13,640 --> 00:34:16,680
Speaker 1: That she's there for you, or vice versa. She may

788
00:34:16,680 --> 00:34:18,600
Speaker 1: go through something and you're going to be there for her.

789
00:34:19,000 --> 00:34:22,360
Speaker 4: And like I just I'm always very adamant that you

790
00:34:22,400 --> 00:34:24,400
Speaker 4: should be as close to your sisters as possible.

791
00:34:24,760 --> 00:34:27,480
Speaker 1: They're a gift. Having sisters is a gift.

792
00:34:27,760 --> 00:34:30,880
Speaker 4: And yes they're all fucking annoying on a certain level,

793
00:34:30,960 --> 00:34:33,439
Speaker 4: but bigger than that is like the love and the

794
00:34:33,480 --> 00:34:35,759
Speaker 4: history and the memories that you share. You are the

795
00:34:35,760 --> 00:34:38,279
Speaker 4: only people that were raised by the same people. You

796
00:34:38,360 --> 00:34:40,080
Speaker 4: are the only people who understand what it was like

797
00:34:40,120 --> 00:34:43,640
Speaker 4: growing up in your household, and like that is a

798
00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:47,560
Speaker 4: very very special bond. And so I would say, you know,

799
00:34:47,960 --> 00:34:51,319
Speaker 4: forget about the past, just focus on what's happening right now.

800
00:34:51,360 --> 00:34:53,440
Speaker 4: And she's trying to show up for you. Give her

801
00:34:53,440 --> 00:34:54,520
Speaker 4: a break a little bit.

802
00:34:55,880 --> 00:34:59,040
Speaker 2: Yeah, we talk a big game on this show specifically

803
00:34:59,080 --> 00:35:01,480
Speaker 2: about you know, if you're having trouble with a family

804
00:35:01,520 --> 00:35:02,880
Speaker 2: member and you might need to cut them out of

805
00:35:02,920 --> 00:35:05,520
Speaker 2: your life for a time. But like people can and

806
00:35:05,560 --> 00:35:07,360
Speaker 2: do change, and we hope they will in the future.

807
00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:10,359
Speaker 2: And I think this is a moment where someone is

808
00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:12,600
Speaker 2: trying to show you that they have changed and is

809
00:35:12,640 --> 00:35:15,840
Speaker 2: trying to be more open and you know, in a

810
00:35:15,880 --> 00:35:18,880
Speaker 2: way that feels safe with you. I think you absolutely

811
00:35:18,920 --> 00:35:22,000
Speaker 2: should try to have a relationship with her. It doesn't

812
00:35:22,000 --> 00:35:24,000
Speaker 2: have to be spilling all your guts, you know, keep

813
00:35:24,040 --> 00:35:27,120
Speaker 2: it light, keep it surface, especially in the beginning, until

814
00:35:27,160 --> 00:35:30,200
Speaker 2: you find out you know what works for you. She

815
00:35:30,239 --> 00:35:32,120
Speaker 2: doesn't have to be your best friend, but if she's

816
00:35:32,160 --> 00:35:33,960
Speaker 2: someone that you go to coffee with a couple of

817
00:35:34,000 --> 00:35:36,239
Speaker 2: times a month or once a month, I think that

818
00:35:36,239 --> 00:35:38,960
Speaker 2: that can be really enriching to both of your lives,

819
00:35:39,560 --> 00:35:41,920
Speaker 2: and I would say give it a shot.

820
00:35:42,239 --> 00:35:43,239
Speaker 1: Yeah, agreed with that.

821
00:35:44,080 --> 00:35:46,200
Speaker 3: All right, thanks Molina, keep us posted.

822
00:35:46,960 --> 00:35:48,880
Speaker 4: Okay, So we'll take a break to wrap up and

823
00:35:48,880 --> 00:35:56,760
Speaker 4: we'll be right back. And we're back, okay with Chelsea

824
00:35:56,880 --> 00:35:59,480
Speaker 4: Handler and Catherine La Hi.

825
00:36:00,080 --> 00:36:01,479
Speaker 3: Okay, So I'll give you a choice.

826
00:36:01,480 --> 00:36:06,320
Speaker 2: Do you want to do bad finances or sexual harassment bartender?

827
00:36:06,800 --> 00:36:10,920
Speaker 4: I'll take sexual harassment for five hundred please, okay.

828
00:36:11,440 --> 00:36:15,040
Speaker 2: Rachel is a bartender in the Midwest. Dear Chelsea, I'm

829
00:36:15,080 --> 00:36:18,279
Speaker 2: a thirty three year old bartender in Ohio. I live

830
00:36:18,280 --> 00:36:20,399
Speaker 2: in a small city and most of my patrons are men.

831
00:36:20,960 --> 00:36:24,520
Speaker 2: They range from early afternoon retirees to midday happy hour guys,

832
00:36:24,719 --> 00:36:27,760
Speaker 2: varying anywhere between blue collar workers to white collar lawyers

833
00:36:27,760 --> 00:36:30,719
Speaker 2: and bankers. Our evening crowd is younger than me and

834
00:36:30,800 --> 00:36:34,400
Speaker 2: most definitely upbeat. They are culturally opposite from the daytime

835
00:36:34,520 --> 00:36:37,040
Speaker 2: usuals in most aspects, from what they drink to how

836
00:36:37,040 --> 00:36:39,120
Speaker 2: they tip, and what songs they play on the jukebox.

837
00:36:39,360 --> 00:36:43,359
Speaker 2: But one thing remains pretty common. These Midwest men think

838
00:36:43,400 --> 00:36:46,720
Speaker 2: that telling women to smile and commenting on boob's body

839
00:36:46,719 --> 00:36:52,120
Speaker 2: clothing is friendly and flirty or worse flattering, they're commonly

840
00:36:52,280 --> 00:36:55,120
Speaker 2: explicitly sexist, and that makes my feminist.

841
00:36:54,800 --> 00:36:56,439
Speaker 1: Blood boil me too.

842
00:36:57,480 --> 00:37:01,320
Speaker 2: Yeah, I love my coworkers and bosses, so leaving isn't ideal.

843
00:37:01,560 --> 00:37:03,560
Speaker 2: And I also assume, like anywhere else she goes, it's

844
00:37:03,560 --> 00:37:05,680
Speaker 2: going to be the same thing. I have thick skin

845
00:37:05,880 --> 00:37:08,279
Speaker 2: and can brush a lot off. Don't get me wrong,

846
00:37:08,360 --> 00:37:11,440
Speaker 2: I speak my mind sometimes to a fault. My problem

847
00:37:11,520 --> 00:37:14,840
Speaker 2: is about income. My pay is almost totally tip based,

848
00:37:15,560 --> 00:37:17,920
Speaker 2: So how do I balance my inner go fuck yourself

849
00:37:17,960 --> 00:37:20,400
Speaker 2: and otherwise stand up for myself with the reality that

850
00:37:20,440 --> 00:37:23,319
Speaker 2: I'm relying on mostly sexist men for the majority of

851
00:37:23,320 --> 00:37:26,200
Speaker 2: my income. How do I play nice enough to make

852
00:37:26,239 --> 00:37:29,400
Speaker 2: money and still keep my dignity. Most of my attempts

853
00:37:29,440 --> 00:37:31,960
Speaker 2: have left me with gaslighting or misplaced anger, which I

854
00:37:32,000 --> 00:37:35,080
Speaker 2: can handle, but the zero dollar tip on the line

855
00:37:35,320 --> 00:37:36,240
Speaker 2: that's hard to handle.

856
00:37:36,560 --> 00:37:38,400
Speaker 3: Seeking your input, Rachel.

857
00:37:39,160 --> 00:37:42,080
Speaker 4: We talked about this a little bit a couple episodes ago,

858
00:37:42,120 --> 00:37:44,399
Speaker 4: about framing the way that you talk to people who

859
00:37:44,440 --> 00:37:47,240
Speaker 4: are disrespecting you or treating you in a sexist manner,

860
00:37:47,680 --> 00:37:50,000
Speaker 4: and I think this is I was talking with my

861
00:37:50,040 --> 00:37:52,320
Speaker 4: girlfriends on the chair lift yesterday about it too, because

862
00:37:52,680 --> 00:37:54,759
Speaker 4: there is a way to talk to men without making

863
00:37:54,840 --> 00:37:57,080
Speaker 4: them defensive about what they're saying. There's a way to

864
00:37:57,120 --> 00:38:00,160
Speaker 4: be jocular about it, like to say, oh God.

865
00:38:00,040 --> 00:38:02,239
Speaker 1: Can you imagine the situation I'm in.

866
00:38:02,320 --> 00:38:05,800
Speaker 4: I'm sitting here behind a bar, working for you, relying

867
00:38:05,840 --> 00:38:07,440
Speaker 4: on the money that you're gonna give me, and then

868
00:38:07,520 --> 00:38:09,520
Speaker 4: you just get to talk to me the way whatever

869
00:38:09,560 --> 00:38:10,200
Speaker 4: way you want.

870
00:38:10,520 --> 00:38:12,520
Speaker 1: Can you imagine what it's like to be a woman?

871
00:38:12,920 --> 00:38:16,200
Speaker 4: Like there are playful ways to address what's happening to

872
00:38:16,239 --> 00:38:20,200
Speaker 4: you without it becoming a problem. Now, not every man

873
00:38:20,320 --> 00:38:22,840
Speaker 4: is going to be open to that conversation or enlightened

874
00:38:22,840 --> 00:38:25,400
Speaker 4: by that tone, but there are men, and I think

875
00:38:25,680 --> 00:38:27,920
Speaker 4: you can discern which men those are going to be.

876
00:38:28,200 --> 00:38:30,319
Speaker 4: Where it's worth it and where it's not worth it,

877
00:38:30,520 --> 00:38:32,239
Speaker 4: Because it's not worth it for you to kind of

878
00:38:32,360 --> 00:38:35,120
Speaker 4: bite your tongue every single time you get sexually harassed

879
00:38:35,160 --> 00:38:38,080
Speaker 4: or dismissed as being like, you know, just being objectified

880
00:38:38,160 --> 00:38:40,080
Speaker 4: or whatever. But I think it is worth it to

881
00:38:40,120 --> 00:38:42,319
Speaker 4: go at men a little bit in a way that

882
00:38:42,360 --> 00:38:46,200
Speaker 4: they can swallow, which is playful, kind of like, you know,

883
00:38:46,280 --> 00:38:50,080
Speaker 4: not so serious, not strident, not screaming, not yelling, but

884
00:38:50,280 --> 00:38:52,680
Speaker 4: just like, oh god, I wish you guys could feel

885
00:38:52,680 --> 00:38:54,799
Speaker 4: what it's like to be me for a day, can you?

886
00:38:54,800 --> 00:38:57,480
Speaker 4: You know, like really just playing with the idea. And

887
00:38:57,960 --> 00:38:59,480
Speaker 4: that's not the only way to do it. There are

888
00:38:59,600 --> 00:39:02,600
Speaker 4: probably fifty other ways to do it. But so that

889
00:39:02,680 --> 00:39:06,400
Speaker 4: you don't feel like you didn't say anything, and you

890
00:39:06,480 --> 00:39:08,520
Speaker 4: also don't feel like it was fall it fell on

891
00:39:08,600 --> 00:39:10,960
Speaker 4: deaf ears. You want to feel like you said something,

892
00:39:11,040 --> 00:39:13,880
Speaker 4: it mattered and you stood up for yourself. And you

893
00:39:13,920 --> 00:39:16,200
Speaker 4: can't control the outcome of that either, but at least

894
00:39:16,200 --> 00:39:17,680
Speaker 4: you're not rolling over.

895
00:39:17,920 --> 00:39:21,120
Speaker 2: If there's somebody who is being an ongoing problem. I

896
00:39:21,200 --> 00:39:23,759
Speaker 2: do love taking it from a perspective that's like not

897
00:39:24,239 --> 00:39:26,480
Speaker 2: just God, you're horrible, you know.

898
00:39:27,120 --> 00:39:29,399
Speaker 3: I think also, you know, waiting to say something until

899
00:39:29,480 --> 00:39:32,680
Speaker 3: after you close out their tib and get the tip.

900
00:39:33,200 --> 00:39:35,680
Speaker 2: I heard something the other day, and this was from

901
00:39:35,680 --> 00:39:40,080
Speaker 2: someone who I believe is like a stripper, but she said,

902
00:39:40,080 --> 00:39:41,360
Speaker 2: and I don't know if this is something that you

903
00:39:41,400 --> 00:39:43,560
Speaker 2: can pull off at your bar, like talk to management,

904
00:39:43,640 --> 00:39:48,239
Speaker 2: talk to the bouncers and things, but basically telling them like, hey,

905
00:39:48,400 --> 00:39:50,680
Speaker 2: we have an extra fee. Anytime there's a comment like that,

906
00:39:50,920 --> 00:39:53,160
Speaker 2: and it actually gets added to your bill, so like

907
00:39:53,320 --> 00:39:56,000
Speaker 2: keep them coming, and like anytime they make a comment

908
00:39:56,120 --> 00:39:58,719
Speaker 2: like that, a fifteen dollars, you know, fifteen bucks gets

909
00:39:58,719 --> 00:39:59,479
Speaker 2: added to their tab.

910
00:39:59,719 --> 00:40:01,520
Speaker 1: Yeah, maybe that's a good idea too.

911
00:40:02,160 --> 00:40:04,440
Speaker 2: Like basically there's a penalty for like talking like that

912
00:40:04,560 --> 00:40:06,480
Speaker 2: and like feel free, go ahead, but every time you

913
00:40:06,520 --> 00:40:09,160
Speaker 2: make a comment or you know, talk about my boobs

914
00:40:09,239 --> 00:40:11,279
Speaker 2: or whatever, fifteen bucks is getting added to your tab

915
00:40:11,360 --> 00:40:13,920
Speaker 2: or whatever price you decide could be a fun way

916
00:40:13,960 --> 00:40:16,160
Speaker 2: to handle it. And then you're sort of like reclaiming

917
00:40:16,200 --> 00:40:18,560
Speaker 2: the power and they can stop or they can keep going,

918
00:40:18,680 --> 00:40:20,040
Speaker 2: and then you just make a bunch of money.

919
00:40:20,560 --> 00:40:25,920
Speaker 4: Okay, cool, good luck, Rachel, Well, Chelsea, Yes, yes, Catherine,

920
00:40:26,040 --> 00:40:27,040
Speaker 4: we really did it today.

921
00:40:27,560 --> 00:40:28,279
Speaker 1: We really did.

922
00:40:28,719 --> 00:40:33,400
Speaker 3: Lots of men behaving badly, very unusual, very such a shock,

923
00:40:33,840 --> 00:40:34,440
Speaker 3: such a shock.

924
00:40:34,719 --> 00:40:38,479
Speaker 1: Okay, you have a great day. Thanks guys. Okay, guy,

925
00:40:38,920 --> 00:40:40,520
Speaker 1: So for stand up.

926
00:40:40,600 --> 00:40:43,719
Speaker 4: I'm coming to Salt Lake City on April fourth, and

927
00:40:43,760 --> 00:40:46,799
Speaker 4: I'm coming to Denver, Colorado, and April fifth. Tickets are

928
00:40:46,800 --> 00:40:51,000
Speaker 4: still available for those two. Maricopa, Arizona is April twelfth,

929
00:40:51,040 --> 00:40:55,040
Speaker 4: and then Brooks, California is April thirteenth. And we added

930
00:40:55,080 --> 00:40:58,440
Speaker 4: a second show in Sydney, and we added a second

931
00:40:58,440 --> 00:41:00,920
Speaker 4: show in Prior Lake, Minnesota, which is now going to

932
00:41:01,000 --> 00:41:05,160
Speaker 4: be May twenty fourth. We added the Santa Barbara Bowl,

933
00:41:05,360 --> 00:41:07,879
Speaker 4: which is so fun. I performed there last year. That's

934
00:41:07,960 --> 00:41:11,560
Speaker 4: August seventeenth, the Santa Barbara Bowl. We ended a second

935
00:41:11,560 --> 00:41:16,480
Speaker 4: show at Santa Rosa on August second, and we added

936
00:41:16,680 --> 00:41:20,279
Speaker 4: two dates at Hawaii. Guys, I'm coming to Hawaii on

937
00:41:20,680 --> 00:41:22,440
Speaker 4: July nineteenth.

938
00:41:22,160 --> 00:41:24,000
Speaker 1: To CA Who Louis.

939
00:41:24,560 --> 00:41:27,560
Speaker 4: I'm going to be at CA Who Louis, and then

940
00:41:27,600 --> 00:41:31,319
Speaker 4: I'm coming on July twenty at to Honolulu. And I

941
00:41:31,440 --> 00:41:35,000
Speaker 4: just added another date on August first Auburn, Washington. So

942
00:41:35,760 --> 00:41:38,839
Speaker 4: and all my Australia and New Zealand dates are up,

943
00:41:39,040 --> 00:41:43,120
Speaker 4: and I will be announcing a European tour shortly, so

944
00:41:43,160 --> 00:41:45,560
Speaker 4: I will be coming there. And I'm coming to Oklahoma.

945
00:41:45,640 --> 00:41:48,960
Speaker 4: I have two dates at Oklahoma May third, which is

946
00:41:49,000 --> 00:41:52,200
Speaker 4: my mother's birthday, Norman, Oklahoma, and May fourth, I will

947
00:41:52,239 --> 00:41:52,680
Speaker 4: be in.

948
00:41:52,600 --> 00:41:53,839
Speaker 1: Thackerville, Oklahoma.

949
00:41:53,960 --> 00:41:59,000
Speaker 4: So Oklahomians, Oklahomas, Oklahom's come bye.

950
00:41:59,200 --> 00:42:01,600
Speaker 3: If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email

951
00:42:01,600 --> 00:42:04,440
Speaker 3: at Dear Chelsea Podcast at gmail dot com and be

952
00:42:04,480 --> 00:42:07,520
Speaker 3: sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited

953
00:42:07,560 --> 00:42:11,200
Speaker 3: and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and

954
00:42:11,280 --> 00:42:13,680
Speaker 3: be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot

955
00:42:13,719 --> 00:42:16,239
Speaker 3: com