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Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,

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Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big

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Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they

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Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everyone, Welcome back to the show.

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Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. It is so great to

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Speaker 1: have you here near listeners. Old listeners. Oh yeah, how exciting.

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Speaker 1: Thanks for joining us for another really fabulous, exciting episode,

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Speaker 1: one that I am so excited to have been able

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Speaker 1: to research and all the things that I found out

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Speaker 1: are just so interesting. So thank you so much for

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Speaker 1: tuning in. If you didn't know, this episode was actually

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Speaker 1: chosen by you guys, by my listeners. I recently hit

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Speaker 1: a million listens, which is just absolutely mind blowing, like

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Speaker 1: insanely overwhelming. I don't think I've quite processed it yet,

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Speaker 1: so thank you so much for supporting the show and

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Speaker 1: for listening to it. It really does just blow my

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Speaker 1: mind that this thing that I started as a hobby

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Speaker 1: people want to listen to, So thank you so much,

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Speaker 1: and to kind of celebrate, I was like, let's let

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Speaker 1: you choose the episode. So I posted on my Instagram

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Speaker 1: the episodes that I have research and written for the

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Speaker 1: next two months. Essentially, I was like, what do you

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Speaker 1: want to hear first, and overwhelmingly you guys said this one.

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Speaker 1: So here we are. We are going to be talking

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Speaker 1: about being single, happy, and alone in our twenties. I

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Speaker 1: also want to thank my subscribers, my paid subscribers, for

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Speaker 1: those of you who do not know, I released bonus

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Speaker 1: episodes like once a month that might be an interview

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Speaker 1: or let's get friendly episode with some of my friends,

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Speaker 1: or a love line or a chatty episode. So if

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Speaker 1: you would like to subscribe to that and get access

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Speaker 1: to bonus content, there is a link in the description.

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Speaker 1: It's a really easy way to listen to more of

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Speaker 1: these episodes if that's something you want to do. Won't

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Speaker 1: be offended if you don't, but to also support the

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Speaker 1: show and allow it to grow. So thank you for

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Speaker 1: those who are part of that community. It's so amazing

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Speaker 1: that you want to support me, and I'm very very grateful.

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Speaker 1: But without further ado, let's get into it. I know

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Speaker 1: why why we're all here. We want to hear about

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Speaker 1: this topic and today that's that's exactly what we're talking about.

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Speaker 1: We're talking about how to be at peace with being

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Speaker 1: alone and single in our twenties and the psychology behind

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Speaker 1: why we can often struggle with the reality of being single,

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Speaker 1: but most importantly, how to actually enjoy this period in

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Speaker 1: our lives, how to flourish and discover more about ourselves,

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Speaker 1: our internal worlds, our thoughts, our beliefs. I think, as humans,

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Speaker 1: especially in a monogamous society in which so much of

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Speaker 1: our lives and our societal expectations are focused on monogamy

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Speaker 1: and obtaining love and partnership and marriage, we really crave

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Speaker 1: the stability of a partner and want someone to love,

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Speaker 1: and that feeling is entirely okay. It's valid. It's okay

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Speaker 1: to want a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a partner

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Speaker 1: because deep connections can bring us really deep joy. But

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Speaker 1: I think it's also important to be okay being alone,

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Speaker 1: especially when we are young and in our twenties, and

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Speaker 1: not let our relationship status kind of determine our worth

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Speaker 1: or how much we get to enjoy life. I think

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Speaker 1: romantic love is just one element of a really fulfilled,

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Speaker 1: joyous life. So it's something I'm really passionate about and

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Speaker 1: love speaking about with my friends. How can we cultivate

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Speaker 1: self love and cultivate happiness when we find ourselves single.

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Speaker 1: I think, particularly in our twenties, we can feel a

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Speaker 1: lot of internal and external pressure around being single and

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Speaker 1: not just single but happy with it being that way.

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Speaker 1: This is especially hard in a decade like our twenties,

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Speaker 1: when many of the people around us, many of our friends,

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Speaker 1: begin meeting their life partners or getting married, and it

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Speaker 1: can be a difficult point of comparison when you find

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Speaker 1: yourself alone or without that person. I fall into this

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Speaker 1: trap quite a lot, especially since so many of my

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Speaker 1: friends are in relationships. I remember this time, I think

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Speaker 1: around this time last year when three of my closest

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Speaker 1: friends friends of the show shout out to them, But

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Speaker 1: they all entered long term, committed relationships, and I obviously

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Speaker 1: love their partners. I think they're great people, and I

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Speaker 1: genuinely like, very much enjoy their company. But it does

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Speaker 1: change dynamics and my friends have someone else to consider

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Speaker 1: in their lives, and they're so amazing at prioritizing their

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Speaker 1: friendships and their own lives. And obviously we're still incredibly close,

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Speaker 1: but as everyone around us seems to find their person

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Speaker 1: and have these fantastic love stories and experiences, has someone

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Speaker 1: to adventure with and share something with It can be

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Speaker 1: really difficult to not feel like something might be wrong

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Speaker 1: with us, that we are somehow undeserving, that will never

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Speaker 1: have that that we're missing out, or somehow faulty. And

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Speaker 1: I'm here to say absolutely none of that is true.

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Speaker 1: Each of us has our own journey and development and

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Speaker 1: healing and growing to do. And maybe your journey right

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Speaker 1: now isn't about finding love. Maybe it's about finding yourself

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Speaker 1: and discovering what you love to do and who you are.

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Speaker 1: When you're alone, you have your entire life to be

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Speaker 1: partnered to someone else and to be connected to them financially, emotionally, socially, intimately.

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Speaker 1: And there will definitely come times in any long term

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Speaker 1: relationship where we will wish for the days we were

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Speaker 1: single and only needed to rely on ourselves, only needed

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Speaker 1: to make decisions for ourselves. When you do find someone,

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Speaker 1: I think I can probably definitely say you're going to

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Speaker 1: look back at this moment at some point right now,

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Speaker 1: when you're single and you're by yourself, you're thriving, you're independent,

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Speaker 1: and you're going to look back with nostalgia and wish

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Speaker 1: you'd appreciated this time. Or when I feel like I

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Speaker 1: want a partner or I'm lacking something because I don't

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Speaker 1: have one. I think about this all the time. It

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Speaker 1: brings me a lot of comfort. But I think that

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Speaker 1: doesn't mean that we're not allowed to have times when

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Speaker 1: we may want a relationship. We don't have to push

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Speaker 1: that feeling away. We don't have to completely deny that

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Speaker 1: kind of desire that aspect of ourselves in order to

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Speaker 1: be happy and single. I think it's totally okay to

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Speaker 1: crave connection and to want someone. I personally had a

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Speaker 1: moment like that the other day. Like I mentioned, this

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Speaker 1: show has gained so many new listeners recently, and to

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Speaker 1: be honest, it can be really overwhelming to feel deserving

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Speaker 1: of this kind of audience and to continue to put

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Speaker 1: out episodes that I really want to do without feeling

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Speaker 1: pressure to kind of deliver on what people want to hear.

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Speaker 1: And it honestly made me really emotional, and in that moment,

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Speaker 1: I did wish that I just had someone who loved

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Speaker 1: me to kind of hug me and tell me it

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Speaker 1: was okay and they were proud of me, and yeah,

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Speaker 1: that would have been really nice. But I also realized

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Speaker 1: that that was kind of a learned behavior for me

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Speaker 1: to crave romantic connection in times of stress or when

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Speaker 1: I'm overwhelmed, And just because I don't have that one

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Speaker 1: person doesn't mean I have no one. Just because I

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Speaker 1: can't share good news with a partner doesn't mean I

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Speaker 1: can't share it with my family and my friends. Like

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Speaker 1: for example, like the other day, I got this really

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Speaker 1: amazing piece of news and I shared it with my

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Speaker 1: friend Kate, and her reaction was just as meaningful then

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Speaker 1: if I'd shared the news with any of the people

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Speaker 1: I had dated in the past, because that relationship and

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Speaker 1: friendship I have with her has outlasted all of those people.

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Speaker 1: Her support is unconditional and reliable, and it was such

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Speaker 1: a valuable realization for me. You know, no one is

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Speaker 1: missing out just because they're single. And in this episode,

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Speaker 1: I really want to be able to discuss how we

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Speaker 1: can create lives we enjoy and love so much that

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Speaker 1: we're really not bothered by being alone and the opportunity

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Speaker 1: this period gives us to build a solid foundation for

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Speaker 1: ourselves that will pay off in the future as something

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Speaker 1: we appreciate even when we do enter a relationship a

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Speaker 1: relationship or if we decide we like being alone. This

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Speaker 1: is such an important period when we're young to be

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Speaker 1: able to really decide what we want and put effort

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Speaker 1: and time into that. There is so much content, so

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Speaker 1: much psychology to discuss today. I'm so excited by the

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Speaker 1: research I found and being able to share this with

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Speaker 1: you so that if you are single right now and

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Speaker 1: maybe feeling a bit lonely or wanting a relationship, you

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Speaker 1: can reframe your relationship with yourself and with romance to

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Speaker 1: realize that really you're kind of all you need to

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Speaker 1: be happy, and you can be the best version of

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Speaker 1: yourself even without a partner. So buckle in. I'm so excited,

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Speaker 1: and I hope we all learned something today. Okay, So

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Speaker 1: I think that it is a blessing to be single

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Speaker 1: in our twenties. Like I mentioned before, I think our

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Speaker 1: society really seems to have this strange obsession with long

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Speaker 1: term relationships and marriage and holy matrimony, and yes, that

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Speaker 1: is a beautiful thing. But the flip side of this

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Speaker 1: weird obsession with love and the soulmates and relationships is

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Speaker 1: that for people probably like yourself, who are single right now,

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Speaker 1: we can feel like our lives are meaningless unless we

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Speaker 1: have someone else to share it with. May also feel

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Speaker 1: almost pitied or like we're never going to be whole

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Speaker 1: until we've achieved some form of connection or unity with

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Speaker 1: another person. Social norms or societal expectations like this can

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Speaker 1: be really powerful societa societal expectations. They're essentially guidelines for

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Speaker 1: our behavior or expectations placed on us, such as the

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Speaker 1: need to be married, and they kind of cause us

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Speaker 1: to conform with the norm or the status quo of

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Speaker 1: everyone else's behavior. Often, I think a justification for an

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Speaker 1: expectation like long term partnership or commitment is that it

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Speaker 1: leads to a better society, it's better for us, it

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Speaker 1: makes our quality of life better. But we still feel

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Speaker 1: this sense of pressure, this need to conform, and we

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Speaker 1: see this expectation playing out all around us in countless

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Speaker 1: songs and hits about love, in romantic comedies where the

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Speaker 1: protagonist is made complete by finding the one, in our

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Speaker 1: friendship groups and workplaces, in novels and stories about the

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Speaker 1: power of true love. But when it comes to being single,

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Speaker 1: I think the idea that your life is not full

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Speaker 1: until it contains another person is utterly nonsense and can

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Speaker 1: lead to a lot of stigmatization and negative self taught

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Speaker 1: For those of us who are alone right now, you

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Speaker 1: can still lead a tremendous, fabulous life whilst you're alone. Also,

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Speaker 1: because we know we're not alone, are we, Like I

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Speaker 1: think maybe that word has a lot of negative connotations,

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Speaker 1: like I'm alone because I don't have someone, but that's

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Speaker 1: never really the case, Like you're surrounded by so many

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Speaker 1: people who can support you and provide the encouragement and

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Speaker 1: love that a partner has, and often in a way

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Speaker 1: that's more sustainable and fulfilling than if you do decide

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Speaker 1: to date someone who's not right for you just to

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Speaker 1: enjoy the feeling that you have a partner. In fact,

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Speaker 1: it's a proven fact, a proven people that it's not

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Speaker 1: just our partners or those we are in relationships with

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Speaker 1: that create happiness, but the quality of our relationships with

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Speaker 1: our friends and our families. In fact, while I was

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Speaker 1: researching this episode, I found this study that was done

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Speaker 1: by a number of positive psychologists. Positive is a field

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Speaker 1: within psychology, not just an adjective to describe these researchers,

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Speaker 1: but they determined that it is our positive emotional experiences

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Speaker 1: with people across our lives that is the largest predictor

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Speaker 1: of happiness. One person is not going to be enough

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Speaker 1: to make you happy. You need to feel properly supported

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Speaker 1: and loved by people from all areas of your life.

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Speaker 1: So let us talk about some of the amazing benefits

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Speaker 1: of being single in your twenties and some of the

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Speaker 1: great opportunities it gives us to kind of counteract some

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Speaker 1: of those inner doubts and internalized expectations that come from society.

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Speaker 1: First of all, it might actually be the case that

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Speaker 1: singleness actually makes us happier in the long run. So

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Speaker 1: this study done by a professor of behavioral science out

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Speaker 1: of London found that single women with no children are

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Speaker 1: actually generally happier than those who are married or those

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Speaker 1: who have children. This person professor reported that these people,

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Speaker 1: these single women have more free time, greater independence, more money,

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Speaker 1: and an overall sense of well being. But for men,

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Speaker 1: and for my male listeners, I know that's not many

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Speaker 1: of you, but the opposite is actually the case. It

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Speaker 1: seems that men actually benefit more from marriage and partnership

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Speaker 1: than women, and men who are in long term relationships

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Speaker 1: are actually marginally happier than those who are not. So obviously,

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Speaker 1: these statements are quite controversial and were met with quite

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Speaker 1: a bit of criticism, which I get. It's understandable. If

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Speaker 1: you are a married woman, you probably aren't going to

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Speaker 1: take too kindly to someone telling you that you are

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Speaker 1: destined to misery because you happen to find someone you love.

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Speaker 1: And I hope that we all know that's not what

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Speaker 1: I'm saying here. And I think the biggest lesson to

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Speaker 1: take away from this is that happiness and is relative,

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Speaker 1: and it's not the case that singleness is in no

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Speaker 1: uncertain terms, going to make you miserable. In fact, from

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Speaker 1: this research, it actually seems it's the opposite. I also

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Speaker 1: don't think we can assume that what this research is

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Speaker 1: saying is that people in relationships are necessarily sad and

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Speaker 1: depressed and dissatisfied. It's definitely a case by case basis,

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Speaker 1: and I think there are so many people out there

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Speaker 1: who are in awful relationships that might actually pull down

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Speaker 1: the average. Noting that I think it's always better to

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Speaker 1: be alone than in the company of someone or in

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Speaker 1: a relationship that is not serving you or is toxic

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Speaker 1: or nasty, that is a really good segue, I think

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Speaker 1: into exploring some of the other emotional, social, intellectual, sp

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Speaker 1: spiritual benefits of singleness in our twenties. Firstly, you have

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Speaker 1: time to discover who you are and to improve yourself.

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Speaker 1: Let's be really honest here, relationships take up a lot

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Speaker 1: of time. If you are committed to a person and

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Speaker 1: getting to know them and sharing your life with them,

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Speaker 1: that is going to require a large investment of your

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Speaker 1: time and your energy, and you know you also want

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Speaker 1: to be around them all the time. I am sure

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Speaker 1: a lot of us can understand that feeling of falling

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Speaker 1: in love and never wanting to be away from that person,

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Speaker 1: but sometimes that comes at a cost. When you're single,

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Speaker 1: you get to use that time that you would otherwise

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Speaker 1: have spent with a partner to focus only on you

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Speaker 1: and what feeds your soul and allows you to grow.

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Speaker 1: And I think this really perfectly links to our next point.

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Speaker 1: Being single in our twenties gives us more time to

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Speaker 1: focus on our dreams and our ambitions, more time to study,

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Speaker 1: to go to the gym, to pursue when your hobby,

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Speaker 1: to spend time on our career. So fun fact, I

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Speaker 1: actually started this podcast after a breakup with a long

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Speaker 1: term partner when I was feeling really shit about being

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Speaker 1: alone and had all of this spare time I didn't

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Speaker 1: really know what to do with, and being single gave

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Speaker 1: me so many evenings to create episodes I loved and

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Speaker 1: to be able to create something I was proud of.

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Speaker 1: And we rarely get the time in our lives where

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Speaker 1: we can be entirely selfish and we're able to really

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Speaker 1: focus on the core foundations of our lives, to create

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Speaker 1: something that we're proud of, or focus on a major goal.

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Speaker 1: When you're single, that's one of the huge upsides. You

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Speaker 1: get the opportunity to explore new things, new hobbies, to

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Speaker 1: practice self love, to go on solo adventures and travel

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Speaker 1: and not be distracted by a relationship. Essentially, you get

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Speaker 1: a five shit out on your own and you get

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Speaker 1: to figure it out by yourself and be your own person.

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Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know if you've noticed this,

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Speaker 1: but sometimes they see like couples or people who've been

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Speaker 1: together for a long time and they don't know how

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Speaker 1: to live without each other. They don't have their own

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Speaker 1: aspirations or their own goals. They kind of meld into

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Speaker 1: one person. When you're single for a longer period of time,

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Speaker 1: you get the opportunity to figure out what you want

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Speaker 1: and how you feel there's no one to compromise with.

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Speaker 1: If you're not attached to someone else, your identity isn't

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Speaker 1: kind of melded with theirs. Another perk, you can do

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Speaker 1: whatever you want, Like you can go and get ice cream,

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Speaker 1: like right now, you don't have to tell anyone. You

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Speaker 1: can eat wherever you want for dinner every single night

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Speaker 1: of the week. You can. You don't have to visit

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Speaker 1: in laws. You know, decision making is so much easier.

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Speaker 1: And another perk, especially if you're someone who's maybe been

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Speaker 1: in a long term relationship before or after that, is

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Speaker 1: that you don't have to share money. I'm sure not

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Speaker 1: all couples do this, but it is an expectation, especially

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Speaker 1: if you're getting married or you're getting really serious. But

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Speaker 1: when you're single, like that, money is all yours. You

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Speaker 1: are completely kind of independent in your finances. You're going

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Speaker 1: to make your own decisions like Okay, you want to

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Speaker 1: go and spend one hundred dollars at Sephora or whatever,

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Speaker 1: like that's fine. You're not saving for a house with anyone.

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Speaker 1: You don't have to answer to anyone about how you

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Speaker 1: spend your finances. And I know it's not the nineteen fifties.

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Speaker 1: And if you're someone who is in a relationship listening

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Speaker 1: to this, I hope you're not offended. I know that

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Speaker 1: women have independence over their money, but it is something

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Speaker 1: to consider. Another really big upside is you get to

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Speaker 1: practice complete independence. Now. As we know as good students

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Speaker 1: of psychology, hyper independence can actually be quite harmful, and

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Speaker 1: it's often a coping mechanism or response to trauma that's

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Speaker 1: not really really what we're talking about here. So hyperindependence

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Speaker 1: is really not being able to depend on anyone, not

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Speaker 1: being able to trust anyone, and it often arises as

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Speaker 1: a result of deep emotional baggage by a portrayal or abandonment,

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Speaker 1: a sense of unsafety around other previous relationships. You know,

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Speaker 1: if you've been cheated on or hurt by a partner,

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Speaker 1: often our reaction to that is to become hyper independent

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Speaker 1: and to need no one. And it results and you're

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Speaker 1: really struggling to build deep connections and rely on others

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Speaker 1: out of fear of being hurt, even when you want to.

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Speaker 1: But a little bit of independence is always good, I think,

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Speaker 1: especially in your twenties. You know, you learn to trust yourself,

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Speaker 1: you learn how to regulate your emotions on your own

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Speaker 1: how to do things alone, which is so amazing, and

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Speaker 1: you know that no matter what happens, you can always

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Speaker 1: do it by yourself and be perfectly fine no matter what.

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Speaker 1: That is such an important thing to recognize and acknowledge,

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Speaker 1: and it makes you stronger. I think another huge benefit

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Speaker 1: I've noticed in my own personal life and anecdotal level

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Speaker 1: from friends is the deep connections you're able to build

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Speaker 1: with the people around you, especially you're close friends. One

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Speaker 1: of the major benefits of being single and being happy

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Speaker 1: in your twenties is having the time to spend with

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Speaker 1: your friends, and it actually increases the number of social

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Speaker 1: connections you might have. So there was this interesting study

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Speaker 1: that basically concluded that people who are single actually have

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Speaker 1: more social connections and more independent social connections. That's because

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Speaker 1: when we don't have a relationship, we don't have a

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Speaker 1: primary relationship, we kind of need to reach out more

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Speaker 1: to your connections and your social networks because those are

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Speaker 1: the people who are going to provide us with the

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Speaker 1: support that we need, rather than our partner or rather

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Speaker 1: than like you're married, counterpart or someone who is by

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Speaker 1: your side. And I don't think we can understate the

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Speaker 1: importance of strong friendships regardless of your relationship status. But

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Speaker 1: I think a lot of us would see that when

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Speaker 1: we are alone and when we don't have a partner,

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Speaker 1: immediately one of the first things we do is call

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Speaker 1: up our friends, spend so much more time with them,

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Speaker 1: get to go out and party and or stay in

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Speaker 1: and paint, like whatever you want to do. You're able

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Speaker 1: to cultivate those friendships. Let's not forget it's not just

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Speaker 1: friendships or you get to develop, but other types of relationships.

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Speaker 1: When you're not in a committed relationship, there is often

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Speaker 1: at a committed relationship there's this norm of being exclusive

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Speaker 1: or only having sex with each other. Obviously, if you're

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Speaker 1: in an open relationship that may be different, but for

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Speaker 1: most of us who are single, we get the opportunity

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Speaker 1: to have sex with whoever we want, whenever we want it, Like,

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Speaker 1: we get the freedom to explore new sexual partners and

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Speaker 1: meet people and be sexually adventurous. Maybe that's not your

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Speaker 1: cup of tea, totally okay, but sometimes it's really liberating

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Speaker 1: to be with new people and to try new things out.

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Speaker 1: And sometimes we just need to be alone to unlearn

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Speaker 1: habits or patterns that are emotionally unhealthy. So when my

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Speaker 1: last situationship, relationship thing, whatever we want to call it,

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Speaker 1: when it ended, I realized that in my pursuit of love,

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Speaker 1: I had kind of acted in a way that I

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Speaker 1: didn't like. I had neglected friendships and important people in

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Speaker 1: my life. And it was a really hard truth that

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Speaker 1: I had to acknowledge about myself, that I craved romantic

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Speaker 1: love above everything else, so much so that I was

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Speaker 1: really willing to sacrifice important things to me just to

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Speaker 1: be with someone who didn't really have to give anything

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Speaker 1: up and got all the benefits while I really lost

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Speaker 1: out and it cost me. So I made this conscious

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Speaker 1: decision to take a break and to focus on myself

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Speaker 1: to unlearn this dependency mindset. I had this unconscious need

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Speaker 1: to be loved and admired and craved, and I had

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Speaker 1: to take a step back and deliberately heal the insecurities

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Speaker 1: that had caused this. And you know, here we are now.

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Speaker 1: So I think I've done a bit of learning from

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Speaker 1: that situation, and I wouldn't have been able to do

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Speaker 1: it if immediately after that situationship had ended, I jumped

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Speaker 1: into something new. I think if that had been the case,

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Speaker 1: I would have ended up in the exact same situation

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Speaker 1: with the exact same type of person, never having developed

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Speaker 1: the resilience to move on, never having been able to

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Speaker 1: address the real reason that I was attached to these people.

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Speaker 1: I think of the all you know, of all the

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Speaker 1: amazing upsides of being single and alone and happy, is

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Speaker 1: the relationship that you get to cultivate with yourself. And really,

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Speaker 1: at the end of the day, our relationship with our

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Speaker 1: self is the most important one you're going to have

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Speaker 1: in your entire life. It's, you know, like, when you

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Speaker 1: think about it, the only one that really lasts. It's

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Speaker 1: never going to disappear, it's never going to abandon us

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Speaker 1: or go away. So consider it your greatest investment and

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Speaker 1: take this time to focus on yourself, Focus on your hobbies,

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Speaker 1: focus on your goals, because one day you might look

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Speaker 1: back at this glorious, sacred time and regret that you

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Speaker 1: didn't appreciate it, more regret that you didn't recognize the

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Speaker 1: opportunity that you had. I think it's okay if despite

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Speaker 1: all of this, despite all of these benefits and pros

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Speaker 1: and whatever, you still want a relationship, But I don't

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Speaker 1: think it should be our entire focus. You can still

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Speaker 1: believe that you deserve to be loved, deserve that you

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Speaker 1: can be treated right, not settle, and also appreciate and

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Speaker 1: love your single life. In fact, I think it really

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Speaker 1: goes hand in hand. But why is it that even

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Speaker 1: when we are really happy being alone, everything is going right,

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Speaker 1: everything is going well, we have friends, we're doing really well,

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Speaker 1: We've got opportunities, we feel healthy, we feel happy, we

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Speaker 1: really feel complete. Why is it that even in those moments,

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Speaker 1: we still crave affection and romantic love. Why is it

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Speaker 1: that we still feel incomplete? Sometimes? Well, this is a

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Speaker 1: psychology podcast, so of course I really want to give

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Speaker 1: a psychological explanation for this. Romantic love gives us the

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Speaker 1: same dopamine rush and hit as things that cause major

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Speaker 1: euphoria and ecstasy like ecstasy or drugs like sugar, like

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Speaker 1: things that get our neurons firing. And because we become

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Speaker 1: accustomed to that, well, we're kind of dependent on that

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Speaker 1: feeling of that rush and that level of dopamine in

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Speaker 1: our brains from getting you know, hugs and attention and

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Speaker 1: affection from a partner. That's why it's so hard to

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Speaker 1: move on after a breakup and to really embrace being single.

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Speaker 1: Because we're going through literal withdrawal from a long series

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Speaker 1: of consistent to opamine spikes from someone else, and it's

434
00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:23,800
Speaker 1: totally okay to still want that feeling. We also need

435
00:26:23,800 --> 00:26:27,240
Speaker 1: affection to live. It's crucial for the release of oxytocin,

436
00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:30,400
Speaker 1: which is a hormone that plays a really important role

437
00:26:30,440 --> 00:26:35,359
Speaker 1: in bonding and intimacy and even repairing connections in our brain.

438
00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:38,720
Speaker 1: It's the hormone that makes you feel love and trust,

439
00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:42,880
Speaker 1: and some studies have also associated it with the bonded

440
00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:47,199
Speaker 1: mother has with her child through childbirth. Without oxytocin, we

441
00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:50,639
Speaker 1: could feel really empty. It's part of the kind of

442
00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:55,359
Speaker 1: hormonal neurotransmitter equation within our brain that makes us feel

443
00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:57,679
Speaker 1: content and happy. So if you're not getting it from

444
00:26:57,680 --> 00:27:01,320
Speaker 1: a romantic partner and you're still craving that connection, you

445
00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:03,760
Speaker 1: might need to find other ways to restore the feeling.

446
00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:07,520
Speaker 1: It elicits by doing something else, like hugging a friend,

447
00:27:07,840 --> 00:27:12,760
Speaker 1: listening to emotional music, having a warm shower, getting a massage,

448
00:27:13,320 --> 00:27:16,080
Speaker 1: telling someone in your life how much you love them.

449
00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:18,640
Speaker 1: And I think this leads on to what I want

450
00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:21,600
Speaker 1: to talk about to conclude the episode, which is how

451
00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:25,360
Speaker 1: do we cultivate self love whilst you're single, and how

452
00:27:25,359 --> 00:27:29,960
Speaker 1: do we cultivate an appreciation for being alone. I think,

453
00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:32,800
Speaker 1: first and foremost, all that love that you want to

454
00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:36,640
Speaker 1: give to a partner, pour it into yourself, into your friends,

455
00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:41,479
Speaker 1: into your family. Take this really valuable time to build

456
00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:45,920
Speaker 1: deep connections with the people around you, to treat them

457
00:27:45,920 --> 00:27:48,120
Speaker 1: the way you would treat a romantic partner, To give

458
00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:50,520
Speaker 1: them gifts, to tell them you love them, to spend

459
00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:53,800
Speaker 1: quality time with them. And that's going to pay off

460
00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:57,480
Speaker 1: in dividends in the future, regardless of whether there's a

461
00:27:57,520 --> 00:28:00,600
Speaker 1: relationship in your future or not. I think, like that

462
00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:05,120
Speaker 1: study we talked about earlier, having supportive quality relationships, it's

463
00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:09,920
Speaker 1: like the biggest indicator of happiness and well being. So

464
00:28:10,119 --> 00:28:13,000
Speaker 1: you're not going to lose out if you spend more

465
00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:17,080
Speaker 1: time with your friends and really trying to promote those relationships.

466
00:28:17,480 --> 00:28:21,280
Speaker 1: Being single, Having a period of singleness is an amazing

467
00:28:21,359 --> 00:28:24,359
Speaker 1: time to pursue a hobby or a long term goal

468
00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:28,760
Speaker 1: and to practice self improvement. It also puts your mind

469
00:28:28,800 --> 00:28:32,040
Speaker 1: and your focus back onto yourself rather than on others.

470
00:28:33,119 --> 00:28:34,880
Speaker 1: I think a lot of people like they go through

471
00:28:34,920 --> 00:28:36,720
Speaker 1: breakups and like they're like I'm going to get really

472
00:28:36,760 --> 00:28:40,160
Speaker 1: feared at the gym. Do whatever you want, whatever, it's

473
00:28:40,160 --> 00:28:42,240
Speaker 1: going to make you happy. But there's a reason that happens,

474
00:28:42,720 --> 00:28:46,440
Speaker 1: because suddenly you're not distracted by this other person. Suddenly

475
00:28:46,440 --> 00:28:49,440
Speaker 1: you have all of this time, you're not needing to

476
00:28:49,480 --> 00:28:52,840
Speaker 1: think about them and think about their actions and what's

477
00:28:52,880 --> 00:28:55,880
Speaker 1: going to impact them, and spend time with them. All

478
00:28:55,920 --> 00:28:59,600
Speaker 1: of that energy gets put back onto yourself and you're

479
00:28:59,640 --> 00:29:03,120
Speaker 1: able to refocus on what you want to achieve, what's

480
00:29:03,160 --> 00:29:06,360
Speaker 1: going to matter to you in two or five, ten years.

481
00:29:07,240 --> 00:29:09,840
Speaker 1: And it's a great period of time to set a

482
00:29:09,880 --> 00:29:11,920
Speaker 1: really big goal. Maybe you want to run a marathon.

483
00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:14,480
Speaker 1: What a great thing to do. I think you should

484
00:29:14,480 --> 00:29:17,760
Speaker 1: do that. I think you should do that. And now

485
00:29:17,800 --> 00:29:21,640
Speaker 1: you have all this time, there's nobody distracting you, there's

486
00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:24,520
Speaker 1: nothing getting in your way to really focus on yourself.

487
00:29:25,320 --> 00:29:27,920
Speaker 1: I think also it's important to change our mindset rather

488
00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:31,400
Speaker 1: than being like I'm lonely, I don't have anyone I'm

489
00:29:31,440 --> 00:29:35,840
Speaker 1: missing out, Like Valentine's Day sucks, Christmas sucks. I really

490
00:29:35,880 --> 00:29:39,640
Speaker 1: wish someone was there for me. Treat this period like

491
00:29:39,720 --> 00:29:43,760
Speaker 1: it's a growth period, like it is important for your development,

492
00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:46,920
Speaker 1: which it is be like this is actually a major

493
00:29:46,920 --> 00:29:50,320
Speaker 1: blessing switch that mindset from like a loss mindset to

494
00:29:50,360 --> 00:29:53,840
Speaker 1: a gain mindset, like this is an amazing opportunity. Not

495
00:29:53,960 --> 00:30:00,160
Speaker 1: everyone gets this opportunity to be able to completely and

496
00:30:00,320 --> 00:30:04,040
Speaker 1: utterly focus on the things that make you happy and

497
00:30:04,120 --> 00:30:07,040
Speaker 1: make you grow. And I think the final thing is

498
00:30:07,280 --> 00:30:10,720
Speaker 1: know that even if you find your person, you are

499
00:30:10,840 --> 00:30:16,080
Speaker 1: still entirely complete without them and practicing self love, practicing

500
00:30:16,080 --> 00:30:20,160
Speaker 1: self improvement, creating a life that you want to live.

501
00:30:21,560 --> 00:30:25,840
Speaker 1: That is such an important important goal, and you might

502
00:30:25,880 --> 00:30:28,560
Speaker 1: even be happier and healthier without someone to join you

503
00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:31,960
Speaker 1: along in that journey. It's something that will benefit you

504
00:30:32,000 --> 00:30:35,400
Speaker 1: in the future. It cannot be understated, and it's going

505
00:30:35,520 --> 00:30:38,560
Speaker 1: to really set you up and make you an incredibly

506
00:30:38,560 --> 00:30:41,880
Speaker 1: happy version of yourself. I think the best part of

507
00:30:41,880 --> 00:30:44,720
Speaker 1: not having to share your life with someone is that

508
00:30:44,800 --> 00:30:48,520
Speaker 1: you get to prioritize yourself, You get to enjoy yourself,

509
00:30:48,640 --> 00:30:51,160
Speaker 1: you get to set the agenda. And I think that

510
00:30:51,240 --> 00:30:53,160
Speaker 1: it doesn't mean you have to be happy all the time.

511
00:30:53,360 --> 00:30:56,760
Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that you don't want that occasionally. But

512
00:30:56,960 --> 00:30:59,520
Speaker 1: being able to adapt to loneliness is a skill and

513
00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:03,520
Speaker 1: it's actors that becomes stronger over time, and as we

514
00:31:04,040 --> 00:31:08,040
Speaker 1: appreciate where we are and the importance of where we

515
00:31:08,080 --> 00:31:11,640
Speaker 1: are now more and more, you're really able to see

516
00:31:11,680 --> 00:31:15,000
Speaker 1: that being alone and being single and without a relationship

517
00:31:15,120 --> 00:31:18,440
Speaker 1: is not a loss. It's actually a huge win. And

518
00:31:18,600 --> 00:31:20,520
Speaker 1: there are so many things that you get to do

519
00:31:20,640 --> 00:31:24,560
Speaker 1: that maybe others of relationships don't. There's so many hours

520
00:31:24,600 --> 00:31:27,040
Speaker 1: in the day to spend on yourself and to spend

521
00:31:27,160 --> 00:31:31,240
Speaker 1: on the relationship you have with yourself. So if you

522
00:31:31,320 --> 00:31:33,760
Speaker 1: are someone who is struggling with this at the moment,

523
00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:37,360
Speaker 1: someone who's feeling insecure or self doubt about the fact

524
00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:39,800
Speaker 1: that you might not have someone in your life, I

525
00:31:39,840 --> 00:31:42,920
Speaker 1: hope this helped you out. I hope that this kind

526
00:31:42,960 --> 00:31:45,000
Speaker 1: of set you on a good path and you're able

527
00:31:45,040 --> 00:31:49,360
Speaker 1: to appreciate, yeah, what this kind of period means for you,

528
00:31:49,360 --> 00:31:52,800
Speaker 1: and you're able to appreciate yourself and your relationship with

529
00:31:52,840 --> 00:31:56,000
Speaker 1: yourself more and set some long term goals for yourself.

530
00:31:56,600 --> 00:32:00,000
Speaker 1: Think big, cultivate your friendships, try and your hobby, each

531
00:32:01,160 --> 00:32:03,520
Speaker 1: anything you want to do, like there's nothing stopping you.

532
00:32:04,280 --> 00:32:07,360
Speaker 1: That's the amazing blessing of this. And thank you so

533
00:32:07,440 --> 00:32:10,560
Speaker 1: much for listening. I hope you enjoyed this episode. Thank

534
00:32:10,600 --> 00:32:12,840
Speaker 1: you for choosing it. If you voted on the poll

535
00:32:12,880 --> 00:32:15,640
Speaker 1: of my Instagram, thank you so much. It was an

536
00:32:15,680 --> 00:32:18,200
Speaker 1: absolute pleasure to be able to talk about it and

537
00:32:18,320 --> 00:32:22,160
Speaker 1: do this research. I especially love when topics relate to

538
00:32:22,200 --> 00:32:25,240
Speaker 1: something I'm going through, Like I think it's so universal

539
00:32:25,320 --> 00:32:28,680
Speaker 1: to struggle with these feelings. You're not alone and you're

540
00:32:28,680 --> 00:32:31,040
Speaker 1: not a bad person. You're not a weak person. Because

541
00:32:31,080 --> 00:32:34,000
Speaker 1: you want love. That is such a crucial element of

542
00:32:34,040 --> 00:32:37,719
Speaker 1: being a human. But you can get love from so

543
00:32:37,760 --> 00:32:39,800
Speaker 1: many places, and I hope you know you're not alone

544
00:32:39,840 --> 00:32:42,200
Speaker 1: in that feeling and it's all going to work out.

545
00:32:42,280 --> 00:32:45,280
Speaker 1: So thank you so much for listening. Hopefully I'll hear

546
00:32:45,720 --> 00:32:47,480
Speaker 1: or you'll hear me next week. You'll be back for

547
00:32:47,560 --> 00:32:50,959
Speaker 1: another episode, and as always, if you feel cool to

548
00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:53,760
Speaker 1: do so, please feel free to leave a five star

549
00:32:53,800 --> 00:32:56,959
Speaker 1: review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify or wherever you get

550
00:32:57,040 --> 00:32:59,720
Speaker 1: your podcasts. If you don't want to, that's fine, but

551
00:32:59,760 --> 00:33:01,959
Speaker 1: if you feel cool to do so, it is an

552
00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:05,480
Speaker 1: amazing way to help this show grow. And thank you again.

553
00:33:05,640 --> 00:33:07,320
Speaker 1: I will see you next week.