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Speaker 1: Hey, this is Carly and this is Dakota, your favorite

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Speaker 1: Okay Storytime hosts, and we've got some great stories coming up.

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Speaker 2: But before that, we have a quick two minute break

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Speaker 2: from the sponsors that keep the show alive.

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Speaker 1: My boyfriend and I have mismatched libido and it's making

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Speaker 1: me guilty.

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Speaker 3: Oh snap.

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Speaker 1: I'm twenty female. My boyfriend is twenty one male. We've

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Speaker 1: been together a bit over a year and our relationship

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Speaker 1: is genuinely really good. We're loving, kind to each other,

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Speaker 1: communicate a lot, live together, and I truly find him

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Speaker 1: incredibly attractive. This is specifically about our spicy sleep life

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Speaker 1: because we keep having the same conversation and I feel

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Speaker 1: stuck and confused by the way. This comes from Hying's

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Speaker 1: and if you want to submit your own stories, go

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Speaker 1: to the r slash Okay Storytime suppared it. I'm Sophia,

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Speaker 1: I'm Kahara.

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Speaker 2: And I'm Carly, And today we have a very special guest.

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Speaker 2: Cahara McKinney a therapist who works with individuals, couples, and

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Speaker 2: families to improve communication, rebuild intimacy, and strengthen their relationships.

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Speaker 2: She has also helped adolescents and adults heal from sexual trauma,

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Speaker 2: guying them toward healthier, more secure connections in the future.

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Speaker 2: Through both therapy and published writing on relationship challenges. She's

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Speaker 2: passionate about helping people embrace their unique stories and build

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Speaker 2: more meaningful, fulfilling lives together. And thank you for being

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Speaker 2: here today. Yeah, thank you for.

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Speaker 4: Joining me so much for having me Ana Kahara is

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Speaker 4: going to help us read some of these stories. Yeah,

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Speaker 4: let's get into it. So Op says, when we first

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Speaker 4: got together, I was very spicy, sleepily forward. I found

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Speaker 4: and still find him insanely attractive, and I've always been

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Speaker 4: loud and proud about that and very affectionate, naturally touching him,

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Speaker 4: complimenting him, flirting, et cetera. I also make a big

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Speaker 4: effort to show affection in the way he's told me

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Speaker 4: he likes. We met at UNI and basically lived together

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Speaker 4: for six months, separate rooms technically, but practically always together.

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Speaker 4: I worked from home at the time, so we were

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Speaker 4: around each other a lot, and our spicy sleep life

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Speaker 4: was very frequent and spontaneous. A few months in I

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Speaker 4: went on birth control. It completely tanked my libido. That's terrifying, Yeah,

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Speaker 4: and really awful, Like I lost probably seventy percent of

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Speaker 4: my interest in spicy sleep.

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Speaker 1: That's so scary. It became a big issue. He felt

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Speaker 1: undesired and hurt, and I honestly understood why I went

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Speaker 1: off of it after a month or two, because it

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Speaker 1: was damaging our relationship. But since then things haven't fully

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Speaker 1: gone back to how they were. We've done long distance

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Speaker 1: briefly like a month, had an amazing holiday together, and

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Speaker 1: now live together again while both working nine to five

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Speaker 1: jobs for our placement year. We still have regular spicy sleep,

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Speaker 1: but we keep circling back to the same issue. Last

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Speaker 1: night kind of summed it up. He said I'm spicy,

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Speaker 1: and I replied something like, okay, would you mind if

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Speaker 1: we just kiss and cuddle instead? I'm not really feeling

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Speaker 1: it right now. He said okay, but then immediately said

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Speaker 1: he was tired and went to bed, which is something

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Speaker 1: he does when he's upset but doesn't want to talk yet.

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Speaker 1: For context, he's quite reserved and introverted. I'm much more

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Speaker 1: extroverted when something's bothering him. He usually goes quiet and

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Speaker 1: needs time before talking. This time it was different. I

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Speaker 1: had just been to the corner shop and the worker

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Speaker 1: there had said something to me that made me feel

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Speaker 1: self conscious and uncomfortable, literally twenty minutes before. I told

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Speaker 1: him this at the time and told them as well

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Speaker 1: that I wasn't feeling it because of that, but he

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Speaker 1: still reacted the same way. Later, he explained that although

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Speaker 1: we still have spicy sleep and he's okay with me

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Speaker 1: initiating most of the time, he feels like when he

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Speaker 1: initiates he gets turned down more often. He said that

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Speaker 1: when I initiate, I often do it by making a request.

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Speaker 1: When he initiates, he feels like he can't make those

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Speaker 1: requests or express his desire in the same way without

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Speaker 1: being rejected. I completely understood that and apologized I genuinely

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Speaker 1: didn't know I was doing that. Where I'm stuck is this,

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Speaker 1: I don't know what the right response is when he

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Speaker 1: initiates and I'm not in the mood. If I say no,

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Speaker 1: it hits his self confidence really hard and makes him

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Speaker 1: feel undesired. If I say yes when I'm not actually

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Speaker 1: feeling it, we both agree that we'd rather I be

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Speaker 1: enthusiastic and present, not forcing myself, But isn't saying yes

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Speaker 1: when I don't want to also bad? We're to pause

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Speaker 1: there there's more to the story, more information that will learn.

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Speaker 1: But do you have any thoughts so far?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, Brope, I think that when I'm first thinking about

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Speaker 3: as I'm hearing all of it, is there's this principle

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Speaker 3: in psychology called learned helplessness, and basically the nature of

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Speaker 3: that is the more that we try a thing and

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Speaker 3: then fail, the more like we are to stop trying

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Speaker 3: because we just don't want to keep failing.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: So I imagine when her libido changed because of the

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Speaker 3: birth control. Yeah, he probably got nervous and didn't know

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Speaker 3: how to initiate anymore.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: So I'm wondering how much of that plays a role.

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Speaker 3: But she's so right, she shouldn't have to say yes

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Speaker 3: because she doesn't. Yeah, I want to disappoint him.

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Speaker 1: I totally understand that feeling of kind of rejection. A

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Speaker 1: month isn't that long. Yeah. I do think maybe a

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Speaker 1: lot of this, at least in my eyes, might be

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Speaker 1: colored by the fact that they're in their twenties. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: you know a lot of youth and inexperience. Sure, yep,

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Speaker 1: But Op continues, this is complicated by the fact that

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Speaker 1: my my previous relationship was harmful with my current boyfriend.

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Speaker 1: Learning to say no and listen to my body felt

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Speaker 1: like progress and healing. So now I feel really confused

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Speaker 1: and almost guilty, like I learned to assert boundaries, but

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Speaker 1: now those boundaries are hurting him. I also keep spiraling

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Speaker 1: into thoughts like does this mean I'm not spicily attracted

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Speaker 1: to him? Even though I know I am. I tell

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Speaker 1: him constantly how attractive he is. I love touching him.

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Speaker 1: I'm very affectionate and emotionally, I feel very connected to him.

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Speaker 1: He's also a genuinely great partner. Romantic, thoughtful brings me flowers,

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Speaker 1: does the lion's share of towards very loving, So the

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Speaker 1: usual advice of maybe he's not doing enough doesn't really apply.

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Speaker 1: Some extra factors that might matter. I have ADHD. When

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Speaker 1: I'm off my medication, I'm more carefree and more likely

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Speaker 1: to be spontaneous spicily. When I've taken my meds and

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Speaker 1: come home from work, my brain feels overstimulated and exhausted.

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Speaker 1: I want to focus on something calmon or engaging, like gaming, drawing,

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Speaker 1: or watching something together. I kind of have to take

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Speaker 1: my medicaid most days, though, because otherwise it's hard to

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Speaker 1: get out of bed and do anything really hygiene, self

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Speaker 1: care chores. I'm usually too tired to initiate right before bed.

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Speaker 1: I genuinely find him very SCHMEXI. I even told him

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Speaker 1: he can touch me whenever because I like it, but

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Speaker 1: he doesn't do that much.

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Speaker 5: Edit.

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Speaker 1: I feel like I should clarify he's not consistently. There's

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Speaker 1: a lot of stuff here ready to go for two hours.

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Speaker 1: It's hard for us to change positions, though, as he

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Speaker 1: will go not ready two or three times. Wait.

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Speaker 3: They it's two hours worth of activity.

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Speaker 1: I guess, so wow, that's yeah, they've got some standin up. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I'll give him some. I don't know how to read

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Speaker 1: this part. I will use my mouth and we'll do

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Speaker 1: something else, but it takes a lot to get him

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Speaker 1: to finish, usually me talking to him. One thing that

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Speaker 1: really hurt and surprised me. He told me that when

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Speaker 1: he initiates, especially over text, and I respond affectionately but

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Speaker 1: not spicily, he sometimes feel like he's spicy pestering me.

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Speaker 1: That broke my heart. I never want him to feel

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Speaker 1: that way, especially as my boyfriend. When I do turn

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Speaker 1: him down, I'm never cold. I always hug him, reassure him,

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Speaker 1: and tell him. I love him more context I occasionally

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Speaker 1: watch Corn, which, yeah, when he's at work, usually Thursday

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Speaker 1: and Friday when I'm off. Sometimes when he comes home

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Speaker 1: after that, I'm very turned on and we have spicy sleep.

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Speaker 1: I've also read some of those TikTok Muddy books that

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Speaker 1: I hate but also have helped me get into the mood.

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Speaker 1: But I feel weird and guilty about it not being organic,

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Speaker 1: and I don't really tell him about it. What are

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Speaker 1: your thoughts? Do you have any more thoughts about that?

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Speaker 1: There's a lot of things going on.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, I actually wonder if they have a

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Speaker 3: language to talk about what's happening, Like, how are they

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Speaker 3: talking about it? Yeah, it sounds like they have pretty

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Speaker 3: good communication, which is a good thing.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's surprising for how young they're.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, it's a really good thing. But I would

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Speaker 3: actually want to know what he would want to hear

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Speaker 3: from her when she's not in the mood in a

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Speaker 3: way that that doesn't make him feel shit down. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: that I'm curious about what he would say would be helpful.

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Speaker 1: I don't think he watches Corn, but I wouldn't mind

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Speaker 1: if he did. I want to say, we're also a

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Speaker 1: super what's the word that I forget what we use,

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Speaker 1: But we're into a lot of different desires. Not sure

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Speaker 1: how much detail is appropriate. He likes when I'm in

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Speaker 1: control most and so do I, but lately the best

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Speaker 1: way to get me turned on is when he takes control.

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Speaker 1: It just sounds like, Yeah, we're really at kind of

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Speaker 1: an imbalance in your desires here, like you both want

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Speaker 1: opposite things. Yeah. I've also told him that sometimes I

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Speaker 1: go through stretches days a week, maybe longer, where I'm

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Speaker 1: just not interested in it at all, not corn, not

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Speaker 1: doing stuff on my own, nothing. Yeah, to me, that

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Speaker 1: feels like a lack of interest in spicy sleep, not

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Speaker 1: in him. But I don't think it feels that way.

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Speaker 1: Then in my head, I want him to work on

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Speaker 1: not taking rejection for spicy sleep as such a huge

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Speaker 1: blow to his self worth, because it's frustrating that I

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Speaker 1: can show him love constantly in every other way but

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Speaker 1: one no seems to out way all of that. I

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Speaker 1: know that's a simplified and probably selfish way to think,

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Speaker 1: though at the same time, I do want to work

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Speaker 1: on meeting him halfway, figuring out how to get in

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Speaker 1: the mood more often or how he can initiate in

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Speaker 1: a way that works better for me. Him just saying

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Speaker 1: I'm spicy, or texting me explicit stuff randomly during the

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Speaker 1: work day if I'm not already a little turned on,

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Speaker 1: doesn't really do it for me. But I don't know

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Speaker 1: how to explain that without making him feel rejected again.

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Speaker 1: Kisses and other stuff can turn me on. But I

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Speaker 1: think it's that fear with him again of being rejected.

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Speaker 1: He's just terrified to be what he sees as vulnerable,

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Speaker 1: I think. But there is a little bit left to

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Speaker 1: the story. Do you have any final.

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Speaker 3: Thoughts as far as the story is concerned. Yes, I

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Speaker 3: think I might say something that people in their twenties

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Speaker 3: hate to schedule the sex. People hate that all the

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Speaker 3: time because they think that it's not organic. They think

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Speaker 3: it's not spontaneous, therefore it's not sexy. But in this case,

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Speaker 3: that might actually help them get more comfortable because she's

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Speaker 3: expecting it. Yeah, she's expecting it, so she can figure

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Speaker 3: out how to, you know, get ready, and he can

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Speaker 3: expect a yes, so he will be able to manage

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Speaker 3: some of the rejection that he feels. But the thing

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Speaker 3: that's coming up for me that I know that everybody

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Speaker 3: is going to hate is schedule it.

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Speaker 1: That's a I have not heard that, but it does

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Speaker 1: make a lot of sense. Yeah, And also I feel

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Speaker 1: like it makes a lot of sense in this context. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: because she said, like when I do these certain things,

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Speaker 1: that helps. She had time in advance, she could do

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Speaker 1: the things. That's a great response, hopefully she thinks so,

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Speaker 1: and op continues. I've googled this endlessly and keep seeing

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Speaker 1: advice that men eventually stop asking after enough rejection and

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Speaker 1: build resentment, or that women should just say yes more,

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Speaker 1: and that honestly scares me. Yeah. Sometimes I even get

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Speaker 1: frustrated though, and wonder why spicy sleep is such a

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Speaker 1: need for men. Isn't every other single form of intimacy enough?

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Speaker 1: But I get brought back down to earth when remembering

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Speaker 1: that if he was doing the same thing to me,

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Speaker 1: I would probably feel quite hurt. I'm very open to

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Speaker 1: accountability here. If I'm handling this badly, I want to know.

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Speaker 1: I'm just worried, confused, and tired of having the same

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Speaker 1: emotional conversation without actually fixing anything. If you need more info,

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Speaker 1: I'm happy to answer. And if I suck, please tell me.

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Speaker 1: I can take it. Then that's the end of the story.

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Speaker 1: But I think that was excellent advice.

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Speaker 3: She doesn't suck. He doesn't suck either. No, they're just

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Speaker 3: like just trying to figure it out.

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Speaker 1: I am very impressed with how you've done so so far. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: but we've got another story coming up. And actually, before

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Speaker 1: we get into the next story, we have some Q

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Speaker 1: and A. Yeah. All right, So our first questionnaire is

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Speaker 1: what are the most common relationship attachment styles?

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Speaker 3: Well, to simplify it, I think I would say the

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Speaker 3: three are anxious, avoidant, and secure. The anxious attacher is

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Speaker 3: the person who typically is scared of abandonment, so they

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Speaker 3: can be very disregarding of their needs in order to

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Speaker 3: preserve the relationship. There is the avoidant folks who get

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Speaker 3: scared at any kind of intensity, whether it's good or bad,

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Speaker 3: so they can push people away or keep people at

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Speaker 3: a distance. And then the secure ones just really like

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Speaker 3: connecting and acknowledging their own needs and acknowledging the needs

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Speaker 3: of the partner. They're not scared to communicate it because

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Speaker 3: they might lose the person. They also aren't scared to

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Speaker 3: talk about it because they're scared of conflict. So the

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Speaker 3: ideal is the securely attached person and that's what we

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Speaker 3: all aspire to be. But of course trauma and life

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Speaker 3: and parents play your role absolutely.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. The next question is how can you identify what

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Speaker 1: style of attachment you have? Ooh, that's a good question.

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Speaker 3: I would say, if you find yourself terrified of losing

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Speaker 3: your partner, or you get a lot of anxiety at

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Speaker 3: the possibility of it, you feel a bit insecure and

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Speaker 3: are constantly doing things to negotiate your own needs, that

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Speaker 3: probably is an anxious style. What I hear from people

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Speaker 3: a lot who are avoidant actually is I don't feel anything.

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Speaker 3: So if you find yourself being someone who doesn't easily

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Speaker 3: connect to your emotions, likes to keep people at a distance,

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Speaker 3: doesn't really like to commit, that tends to be avoidant.

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Speaker 3: And then the securely attached person usually is able to

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Speaker 3: kind of engage in relationships in a healthy way and

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Speaker 3: connect and have long lusting relationships if they work and

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Speaker 3: know what they don't like and articulate that and have

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Speaker 3: good boundaries and all the things. So those are some

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Speaker 3: easy to spot ways to know, but avoidance are typically

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Speaker 3: difficult to understand when they're avoidant because they don't feel

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Speaker 3: They're not usually the ones that have the problem unless

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Speaker 3: their partner wants a lot more connection from them and

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Speaker 3: they're freaking out.

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Speaker 1: That's usually the queue.

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Speaker 3: But they usually are the ones that are just going

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Speaker 3: with the flow and feeling pressured more than they are

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Speaker 3: pressuring or The next question we.

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Speaker 1: Have is what is your favorite success story you have

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Speaker 1: about a couple or a one that you can share.

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Speaker 3: Let me think about that.

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Speaker 1: I actually have a couple. They're so cute.

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Speaker 3: They came for premarital counseling and they just got married

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Speaker 3: not that long ago. I was invited to the weddings,

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Speaker 3: so that made me so happy. But they were so

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Speaker 3: committed to each other. Always am really inspired by them

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Speaker 3: because they just want to make each other happy. And

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Speaker 3: when they talk in therapy, they're very much like what

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Speaker 3: do you think, babe? No, what do you think? And

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Speaker 3: I'm like, aw, so, that's very cute. That's a success

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Speaker 3: story for sure.

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Speaker 1: Would you recommend prior to getting married doing like premarital counseling.

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Speaker 1: I think for what.

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Speaker 3: Reason everybody should do it because there's so many things

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Speaker 3: and I would cuss, but I'm not gonna There's so

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Speaker 3: many things that people have to talk about before they

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Speaker 3: get into a marriage that they don't talk about until

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Speaker 3: they are married, like finances, like personal values, like what

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Speaker 3: they want for their futures long term, like in loss.

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Speaker 3: You know, I think everybody aspires to marriage but don't

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Speaker 3: know how much work it requires. Sure, So I just

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Speaker 3: feel like it's a good way to kind of get

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Speaker 3: things out in the open. And I don't mind being

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Speaker 3: the bad guy as a therapist. I always say, blame me,

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Speaker 3: it's totally okay. Yeah, and yeah, I think everybody should

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Speaker 3: do it.

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Speaker 1: That's all. Yeah, I've never really like thought about that,

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Speaker 1: but that just makes a lot of sense.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I have a follow up for that. When do

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Speaker 2: you typically suggest that, Like, is this like right after

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Speaker 2: they get engaged or closer to the wedding?

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Speaker 4: You know.

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Speaker 3: I think that the problem is that people usually come

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Speaker 3: to couples counseling when things are on the rocks. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: and most of the time because of that, they tend

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Speaker 3: not to last because they knew that it was time

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Speaker 3: for called quits. But then they don't do that. So

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Speaker 3: I usually recommend after the engagement.

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Speaker 1: Of course.

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Speaker 3: That's that's always a good idea because you have a

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Speaker 3: definitive timeframe for when you're going to get married, but

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Speaker 3: if before that, you're just trying to make sure that

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Speaker 3: you're on the same page and you want to have

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Speaker 3: some of those harder conversations. I have a single people

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Speaker 3: coming to me all the time like when's a good

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Speaker 3: time for me to talk to my partner about this?

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Speaker 3: And I'm like, now, yesterday, you know so, I, like

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Speaker 3: I said, I think that it's never too late to

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Speaker 3: have those conversations. Yeah, but premarital counseling definitely after the engagement.

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Speaker 1: I have a follow up a card.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, when they came in, did they have a lot

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Speaker 5: of their own questions or did you, like, how did.

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Speaker 1: You guide both?

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Speaker 3: So with the couple that I'm talking about in particular

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Speaker 3: that just got married, they actually came in because you

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Speaker 3: were trying to well, they wanted to make sure they

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Speaker 3: did things right, but they knew that there were some

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Speaker 3: sticking points already that they wanted to discuss. But I

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Speaker 3: typically will also lead the conversations after the immediate crisis,

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Speaker 3: abates will lead the conversations to talk about the other

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Speaker 3: harder things that they don't know are coming.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a little bit of both to no, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I'm not there yet, but I'll follow up with you again. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: of course. Yeah, that was actually our final question so

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Speaker 1: we can get into the next story. My girlfriend runs

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Speaker 1: when I chase her, then comes back when I'm done.

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Speaker 5: What.

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Speaker 1: Hey, everyone, I'm twenty two male, completely lost right now

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Speaker 1: and could really use some outside perspective. I've been with

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Speaker 1: my girlfriend twenty one female for three and a half years,

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Speaker 1: and honestly, it's been a rollercoaster from the heck oh,

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Speaker 1: we've broken up and gotten back together probably six or

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Speaker 1: seven times.

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Speaker 5: Now.

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Speaker 1: Leave her?

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Speaker 3: What?

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Speaker 1: Leave her? Yeah, that's not a healthy relationship, my god,

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Speaker 1: and I'm starting to realize we have this classic anxious,

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Speaker 1: avoidant attachment thing going on that's destroying his boat. By

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Speaker 1: the way, this comes from nobody at all. Three two

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Speaker 1: to one and if you want to spa year old stories,

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Speaker 1: go to the r slash Okay storytime separate and op

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Speaker 1: says the backstory. My girlfriend is honestly intimidating. Oh, she's

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Speaker 1: really pretty smart, but also has this avoidant way of

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Speaker 1: dealing with emotions that makes me feel like I'm walking

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Speaker 1: on eggshells. I'm definitely the anxious type. Early in our relationship,

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Speaker 1: I was so scared of losing her that I started

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Speaker 1: hiding my emotions whenever I was upset or angry. I

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Speaker 1: thought if she saw me get mad or express negative feelings,

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Speaker 1: she'd leave, so I just didn't. I'd bottle everything up

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Speaker 1: and try to be this perfect calm boyfriend. But here's

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Speaker 1: where it gets effed up. Because I never showed my

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Speaker 1: real emotions, she started taking me for granted, like really

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Speaker 1: badly silent treatments, not putting effort into the relationship, treating

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Speaker 1: our problems like they didn't matter, classic avoidant behavior. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and when I finally couldn't hold it in anymore and

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Speaker 1: started showing my actual feelings around the two and a

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Speaker 1: half year mark, she freaked out and said I was

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Speaker 1: different and changed. The worst part was feeling constantly disrespected

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Speaker 1: and like nothing I did matter. She guide me like,

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Speaker 1: if this happens, I feel this way, But then I'd

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Speaker 1: still assume wrong and fail every time. I feel like

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Speaker 1: she expected me to read her mind, and when I couldn't,

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Speaker 1: it was like all my efforts were invisible to her.

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Speaker 1: The recent mess. So we broke up again about a

387
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Speaker 1: month ago, just stay broken up. Yeah, and this time

388
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Speaker 1: I was done, like completely exhausted, from the cycle. I

389
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Speaker 1: told myself I wasn't going back. I even blocked our

390
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Speaker 1: mutual friends. That's how serious I was about moving on.

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Speaker 1: Ears where it gets really complicated, there was this girl

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Speaker 1: that my girlfriend had initially suspected liked me. I told

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Speaker 1: my girlfriend not to worry about her because I genuinely

394
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Speaker 1: didn't think it was the case. Turns out I was wrong.

395
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Speaker 1: Oh no. After our breakup, this same girl the when

396
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Speaker 1: I told my girlfriend not to worry about was there

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Speaker 1: for emotional support. When I was at my lowest after

398
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Speaker 1: ten days of being broken up and me being completely

399
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Speaker 1: committed to moving on, I slept with her. I didn't

400
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Speaker 1: enjoy it. It wasn't about lust. Honestly, I think I

401
00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:03,760
Speaker 1: did it because I knew my girlfriend is conservative and

402
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Speaker 1: would never take back a guy who slept with someone else. So, yeah,

403
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:10,080
Speaker 1: you were just doing it so that there was no

404
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Speaker 1: way that you could go back to her. Oh interesting,

405
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Speaker 1: that's what he's saying, Like, if I do this, she

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Speaker 1: won't take me back, and so even if I went

407
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Speaker 1: and tried to win her back, she wouldn't take me.

408
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:22,600
Speaker 1: And he told her no. I don't think he's told

409
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Speaker 1: her yet. At least we haven't found that out interesting.

410
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Speaker 1: I was so emotionally exhausted from feeling disrespected that I

411
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Speaker 1: wanted to burn the bridge completely. But immediately after I

412
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Speaker 1: regretted everything, I realized I love my girlfriend more than anything,

413
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Speaker 1: and I've just made the stupidest decision of my life.

414
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Speaker 1: Did you though, what are your thoughts there after that?

415
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Speaker 1: Because we've gotten some back and forth here.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I feel like he knows that he doesn't like

417
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Speaker 3: this dynamic and he's trying to figure a way out.

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Speaker 1: But every time he does take a step out, gaslights

419
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Speaker 1: himself into thinking, oh wait, no, I do need her, yeah,

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Speaker 1: which is not like the lines of anxious attachment.

421
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Speaker 3: Yes, actually he's pretty good verbiage too.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

423
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Speaker 3: I think he knows his stuff, just not how to

424
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Speaker 3: quite identify how to fix.

425
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Speaker 1: It exactly exactly. I was stuck in heck because of

426
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Speaker 1: my own actions. I used to be a huge critic

427
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:17,280
Speaker 1: of cheating, and I called this cheating because deep down

428
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Speaker 1: I knew she was probably expecting us to patch up

429
00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:22,280
Speaker 1: again like we always do, but I was too broken

430
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Speaker 1: down to care at the time, and she calls wanting

431
00:20:25,119 --> 00:20:27,800
Speaker 1: to get back together. I felt like absolute crap and

432
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Speaker 1: told her what had happened. She was devastated, especially because

433
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Speaker 1: it was the girl she'd suspected. But here's the thing.

434
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Speaker 1: She actually forgave me after we both had complete breakdown.

435
00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:43,520
Speaker 1: Oh snap, she's literally the only person who has ever

436
00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:45,960
Speaker 1: truly understood me and taken care of me like that.

437
00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:50,760
Speaker 1: Oh no, no, oh, he is really in deep here. Yeah.

438
00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:54,000
Speaker 1: We got back together and she promised things would be different.

439
00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:58,040
Speaker 1: But guess what. Within a few weeks, same old patterns

440
00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:01,200
Speaker 1: started again. When I'd bring up issue, she'd go silence

441
00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:03,959
Speaker 1: instead of talking it through. Later, she admitted that in

442
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:06,359
Speaker 1: her mind she was thinking, I forgave you for the

443
00:21:06,359 --> 00:21:10,240
Speaker 1: biggest relationships then, and you're getting irritated by these small things.

444
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:13,439
Speaker 1: It feels like she also considers it cheating, which is

445
00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:17,240
Speaker 1: interesting to me. Yeah, they weren't together, Yeah, which you know,

446
00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:19,480
Speaker 1: maybe not like the best move to get with someone

447
00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:22,040
Speaker 1: who your ex thought you were gonna get with, but

448
00:21:22,359 --> 00:21:25,280
Speaker 1: not cheating. Yeah. She said she knew it was evil thinking,

449
00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:27,720
Speaker 1: but that's what was going through her head and it

450
00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:30,240
Speaker 1: made her even more angry with me. So I broke

451
00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:33,280
Speaker 1: it off again, sent her a really harsh email where

452
00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:36,680
Speaker 1: I basically tore her apart, which I regret and blocked her.

453
00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:39,120
Speaker 1: Where we are now, we're broken up again, but she's

454
00:21:39,119 --> 00:21:42,160
Speaker 1: saying maybe I'll come back, maybe not, which is keeping

455
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:45,320
Speaker 1: me in this awful limbo. She's been obsessively checking the

456
00:21:45,359 --> 00:21:48,280
Speaker 1: other girl's Instagram and photos, even though that girl is

457
00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:51,879
Speaker 1: honestly incomparable to her in every way. Here's what's messing

458
00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:53,840
Speaker 1: with my head? And do you have any thoughts before

459
00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:55,520
Speaker 1: we get into what op's thinking of it?

460
00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:58,280
Speaker 3: I feel like she has too much power, I agree. Yeah,

461
00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:00,520
Speaker 3: how she deciding if they're gonna get it together when

462
00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:02,119
Speaker 3: he's not getting fulfilled.

463
00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:04,920
Speaker 1: No, it feels like that anxious avoidant thing that we're

464
00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:08,280
Speaker 1: talking about of, like literally like fish line, you know,

465
00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:11,560
Speaker 1: pulling him back, reeling him in every time exactly.

466
00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:14,360
Speaker 3: Yeah, And in therapy we call it the pursuer distancer.

467
00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:17,560
Speaker 3: Actually there's one person that's pursuing, and the more you pursue,

468
00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:19,640
Speaker 3: the more the other person distances, so you never quite

469
00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:20,560
Speaker 3: can catch the person.

470
00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:24,480
Speaker 1: And there's the title the running away exactly and then

471
00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:28,200
Speaker 1: coming back exactly. Here's what's messing with my head. When

472
00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:31,919
Speaker 1: we're good together, we're like the perfect couple, no adjustments needed,

473
00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:34,960
Speaker 1: just pure love and understanding. But when we fight, we

474
00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:37,720
Speaker 1: both turn into these ugly versions of ourselves that we

475
00:22:37,760 --> 00:22:41,120
Speaker 1: don't even recognize. The other girl was there for emotional support,

476
00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:44,960
Speaker 1: but she's nothing compared to my girlfriend, who is currently

477
00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:49,400
Speaker 1: his ex. That's interesting verbiage. That's a really good catch. Yeah,

478
00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:53,080
Speaker 1: continue calling her girlfriends. Yeah yeah. My girlfriend keeps torturing

479
00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:56,160
Speaker 1: herself by stalking this girl's social media, and I keep

480
00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:59,520
Speaker 1: questioning whether what I did was actually cheating since we

481
00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:01,639
Speaker 1: were broken, or if I'm right to call it that

482
00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:04,520
Speaker 1: because I knew she'd expect us to get back together eventually.

483
00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:08,120
Speaker 1: I feel like this anxious avoidant dynamic has completely destroyed

484
00:23:08,119 --> 00:23:11,880
Speaker 1: both of us. I chase, she runs, she comes back.

485
00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:15,200
Speaker 1: I'm resentful we bring out the worst in each other.

486
00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:17,360
Speaker 1: But I also don't know how to fully let go

487
00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:20,959
Speaker 1: because when it's good, it's incredible, and she truly is

488
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:24,159
Speaker 1: the person who understands me the most. But there's a

489
00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:25,480
Speaker 1: lot of it left to this story. Do you have

490
00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:29,880
Speaker 1: any final thoughts for op just seems like you, Oh

491
00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:30,679
Speaker 1: my goodness.

492
00:23:30,760 --> 00:23:34,000
Speaker 3: Okay, So my first thought is it is very classic

493
00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:39,320
Speaker 3: avoidant anxious in that the anxious person typically will fantasize

494
00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:41,320
Speaker 3: about the relationship that they're in, so they have all

495
00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:43,639
Speaker 3: these great things to say about the other person. Yeah,

496
00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:46,159
Speaker 3: that's not real, you know. So there's a lot of

497
00:23:46,160 --> 00:23:49,920
Speaker 3: fantasy about the relationship. The avoidant fantasizes about who else

498
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:52,119
Speaker 3: is out there that might be better than who they're with.

499
00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:55,399
Speaker 3: So that's exactly what's happening, is that he's fantasizing and

500
00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:58,719
Speaker 3: saying that the relationship is so great. But how how

501
00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:00,920
Speaker 3: can it be great? You've only told us the bad

502
00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:05,040
Speaker 3: bars exactly exactly. And then there's this other thing, you know.

503
00:24:05,119 --> 00:24:09,240
Speaker 3: I very often use this analogy in my work with

504
00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:13,399
Speaker 3: folks that there is this protect reject component of attachment style.

505
00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:16,960
Speaker 3: Avoidant tends to protect themselves and reject their partner, and

506
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:20,840
Speaker 3: the anxious tends to protect the relationship and reject themselves.

507
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:23,439
Speaker 3: So it sounds exactly like what he's doing. He almost

508
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:26,080
Speaker 3: has rejected himself and his needs and is trying to

509
00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:27,600
Speaker 3: make the relationship work at all costs.

510
00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:30,760
Speaker 1: But she sounds like she's the cost is himself.

511
00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:33,040
Speaker 3: Yes, exactly, and it's really sad.

512
00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:35,159
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's very sad. I don't think you've told us

513
00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:37,880
Speaker 1: anything good about your relationship, ope, except for how amazing

514
00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:40,720
Speaker 1: it is When she's not running. I guess one of

515
00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:42,840
Speaker 1: my questions before we get into the last part of

516
00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:45,400
Speaker 1: this story is, have you ever worked with a couple

517
00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:49,720
Speaker 1: that broke up once multiple times and they succeeded in

518
00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:53,280
Speaker 1: effectively like getting the relationship back? Because I feel like

519
00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:55,920
Speaker 1: we only read whenever we read stories about people who

520
00:24:55,920 --> 00:24:58,479
Speaker 1: have broken up multiple times, my thought process is that

521
00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:00,679
Speaker 1: they should you should stay broke it up?

522
00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:03,280
Speaker 3: Yes, I actually I don't think that I have any

523
00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:06,080
Speaker 3: success story unfortunately like that where they break up a

524
00:25:06,119 --> 00:25:08,200
Speaker 3: lot of times and then they finally commit to each

525
00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:11,240
Speaker 3: other unless there is a huge commitment to change on

526
00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:14,639
Speaker 3: both people's parts, you know, because usually there is that

527
00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:18,440
Speaker 3: pursuer distancer dynamic that's happening and at play, and both

528
00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:20,760
Speaker 3: people in that case need to figure out how to

529
00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:21,920
Speaker 3: adapt in a new way.

530
00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:24,080
Speaker 1: Maybe we should move on.

531
00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:25,200
Speaker 3: Yeah.

532
00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:28,800
Speaker 1: My questions how can I process the guilt and regret

533
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:32,000
Speaker 1: I'm feeling about sleeping with someone during our breakup? And

534
00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:35,280
Speaker 1: how might this affect a rebuilding trust? How do I

535
00:25:35,359 --> 00:25:37,719
Speaker 1: break this cycle of breaking up and getting back together?

536
00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:40,920
Speaker 1: Am I the toxic one here? Am I the problem?

537
00:25:41,080 --> 00:25:42,800
Speaker 1: I want to fix it because we wanted to fix

538
00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:45,399
Speaker 1: it so bad we both can't imagine each other with

539
00:25:45,520 --> 00:25:48,040
Speaker 1: someone else. I know we could have been fixing it earlier,

540
00:25:48,119 --> 00:25:50,080
Speaker 1: but also I know I need to work on myself.

541
00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:53,960
Speaker 1: The hiding emotions thing, the fear of confrontation, all of it. Yep,

542
00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:56,639
Speaker 1: But right now I'm just so confused and hurt. Anyone

543
00:25:56,720 --> 00:25:59,719
Speaker 1: been through something similar? How did you finally break free?

544
00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:02,040
Speaker 1: That's the end of the story, eh, And if you

545
00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:05,080
Speaker 1: have any answers to those questions or thoughts about this question.

546
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:07,800
Speaker 3: I think that the answer to the question of is

547
00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:09,879
Speaker 3: he the problem, I would say that he's part of

548
00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:13,600
Speaker 3: the problem for sure, because he is thinking very highly

549
00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:16,800
Speaker 3: of a relationship that is not very high. Yes, so

550
00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:18,439
Speaker 3: he has it right when he's saying they has to

551
00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:20,560
Speaker 3: figure this all out. But also I think that the

552
00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:23,960
Speaker 3: solution ist like we're saying stay broken up, and that

553
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:26,520
Speaker 3: looks like disengaging. I think in this world where we

554
00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:31,960
Speaker 3: are constantly connected and texting and social media, you're seeing.

555
00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:32,440
Speaker 1: Them all the time.

556
00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:35,919
Speaker 3: Yeah, and it's just not biologically natural to see a

557
00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:37,880
Speaker 3: person that you don't want to be in a relationship

558
00:26:37,920 --> 00:26:41,480
Speaker 3: with all the time. Still, Yeah, so unfollow block.

559
00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:44,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, that was the interesting thing to me because he

560
00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:48,159
Speaker 1: said he blocked all their mutual friends, either blocked or

561
00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:51,399
Speaker 1: an unblocked her to message her again to restart the

562
00:26:51,480 --> 00:26:54,920
Speaker 1: relationship that one time. So, yeah, is there a more

563
00:26:54,960 --> 00:26:58,720
Speaker 1: effective way we can cut off this communication sleeping with

564
00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:03,119
Speaker 1: the other girl? Yeah, honestly, maybe, Aul. I mean it's like,

565
00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:10,320
Speaker 1: you know, the age old adage of to get over someone. Yeah, yeah, exactly, Yeah,

566
00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:12,399
Speaker 1: at least in this case. Maybe not the best advice

567
00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:15,320
Speaker 1: for a lot of people, but in this case, maybe

568
00:27:15,359 --> 00:27:16,520
Speaker 1: we need something.

569
00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:19,200
Speaker 3: And also too, I don't want to be toxic therapist.

570
00:27:19,359 --> 00:27:21,840
Speaker 3: I think that the truth is he has to really

571
00:27:21,880 --> 00:27:25,080
Speaker 3: see the truth about her because he's so stuck in

572
00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:27,760
Speaker 3: this fantasy of who this person is. It's not letting

573
00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:28,920
Speaker 3: him get over her.

574
00:27:29,080 --> 00:27:29,280
Speaker 1: Yeah.

575
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:31,280
Speaker 3: So if he can really be objective and have his

576
00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:33,560
Speaker 3: friends remind him of how terrible she is and why

577
00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:35,679
Speaker 3: he's breaking up with her all the time, and you know,

578
00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:37,560
Speaker 3: if he can have a clear picture, that will really

579
00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:40,240
Speaker 3: do a lot to keep him moving forward.

580
00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:43,320
Speaker 1: I am wondering my last thought, if he blocked his

581
00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:47,400
Speaker 1: mutual friends, did he like get back those friendships? That's

582
00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:49,600
Speaker 1: a good question. And you know, how are the rest

583
00:27:49,640 --> 00:27:51,640
Speaker 1: of his friendships? Does he have any outside of her.

584
00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:56,160
Speaker 3: It's a great question, Yeah, wondering. Yeah we'll never know. Yeah, interesting,

585
00:27:56,359 --> 00:27:57,879
Speaker 3: But we do have one more story.

586
00:27:58,160 --> 00:28:01,520
Speaker 2: Hey, it's Carly, you're favord axelattel host.

587
00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:01,879
Speaker 1: Here.

588
00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:04,159
Speaker 2: We're going to get back to the stories, but here's

589
00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:06,040
Speaker 2: three minutes of ads from our sponsors.

590
00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:09,840
Speaker 1: I refuse to take my boyfriend's last name and it's

591
00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:14,800
Speaker 1: causing a rift. Darn and I nineteen female and my partner,

592
00:28:14,880 --> 00:28:17,600
Speaker 1: who we will call Mark, twenty mail have been together

593
00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:22,080
Speaker 1: for a little over five years the wow wows okay

594
00:28:22,200 --> 00:28:24,440
Speaker 1: meeting and then dating in the beginning of our high

595
00:28:24,440 --> 00:28:27,359
Speaker 1: school days. Mark is the eldest of three brothers. He

596
00:28:27,440 --> 00:28:30,240
Speaker 1: has two younger brothers, fifteen and eighteen, who are both

597
00:28:30,240 --> 00:28:33,280
Speaker 1: funny and smart people I genuinely love. The issue is

598
00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:36,280
Speaker 1: his parents. By the way, this comes from loud Yam

599
00:28:36,320 --> 00:28:38,240
Speaker 1: forty one, twenty nine and if you want to submit

600
00:28:38,320 --> 00:28:40,840
Speaker 1: your own stories, go to the arslagh Okay storytime Separate

601
00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:44,960
Speaker 1: It where this story is from. So Op says they're

602
00:28:45,120 --> 00:28:47,719
Speaker 1: very well off, owning their own business and having been

603
00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:50,280
Speaker 1: married a long time. At the beginning of my relationship

604
00:28:50,280 --> 00:28:55,360
Speaker 1: with Mark, they were amazing, welcoming, kind, supportive, and inviting

605
00:28:55,400 --> 00:28:58,880
Speaker 1: me to every family event. They genuinely felt like family.

606
00:28:58,960 --> 00:29:02,800
Speaker 1: Around October twenty, Mark and I hit a rough patch.

607
00:29:02,960 --> 00:29:06,120
Speaker 1: He was considering leaving the relationship, and we decided to

608
00:29:06,160 --> 00:29:08,840
Speaker 1: have an adult conversation with his parents about what we

609
00:29:08,840 --> 00:29:11,120
Speaker 1: were going through and how we could fix it. This

610
00:29:11,160 --> 00:29:14,760
Speaker 1: turned out to be a huge mistake. Uh oh. After

611
00:29:14,840 --> 00:29:17,680
Speaker 1: that conversation, Mark and I decided to work things out.

612
00:29:17,880 --> 00:29:20,680
Speaker 1: We both agreed we wanted to stay together long term,

613
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:25,080
Speaker 1: and after about two weeks of hard but mature conversations,

614
00:29:25,240 --> 00:29:28,880
Speaker 1: our relationship improved significantly. We addressed the issues that were

615
00:29:28,880 --> 00:29:32,560
Speaker 1: pushing us apart and became much happier. That's when Mark's

616
00:29:32,560 --> 00:29:37,920
Speaker 1: parents behavior toward me started to change. Question before we continue, Yeah,

617
00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:42,040
Speaker 1: what is your thoughts or advice about talking to family

618
00:29:42,080 --> 00:29:44,600
Speaker 1: members or friends about relationship issues.

619
00:29:44,880 --> 00:29:48,360
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's a good question. I usually say that to

620
00:29:48,440 --> 00:29:52,400
Speaker 3: have a few one or two trusted confidants that are

621
00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:55,720
Speaker 3: invested in the success of your relationship and can be

622
00:29:55,840 --> 00:29:58,880
Speaker 3: objective and tell a person when they are wrong too,

623
00:29:58,920 --> 00:30:01,440
Speaker 3: even if it's their people. Yeah, it's not a bad thing.

624
00:30:01,760 --> 00:30:04,640
Speaker 3: But to tell everybody about what's happening, I think that

625
00:30:04,640 --> 00:30:05,560
Speaker 3: that could be problematic.

626
00:30:05,600 --> 00:30:08,000
Speaker 1: For sure. I feel like my brother is kind of

627
00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:10,320
Speaker 1: my confident on and he gives very good advice. He'll

628
00:30:10,360 --> 00:30:12,400
Speaker 1: so you didn't meet him, but he started the show.

629
00:30:12,480 --> 00:30:15,880
Speaker 1: Oh that's there. Yeah, you know I trust him to

630
00:30:15,880 --> 00:30:18,480
Speaker 1: give me objective advice and to call me out. Yeah,

631
00:30:18,560 --> 00:30:20,720
Speaker 1: oh yeah. I don't think I would just go around

632
00:30:20,720 --> 00:30:23,280
Speaker 1: telling everyone if I were having things in my relationship.

633
00:30:23,520 --> 00:30:25,680
Speaker 3: No, especially because we hear the story all the time.

634
00:30:25,760 --> 00:30:27,840
Speaker 3: Like I told my sister and now she hates the

635
00:30:27,880 --> 00:30:30,760
Speaker 3: person that I'm seeing. I think that it's a slippery slope.

636
00:30:30,800 --> 00:30:32,560
Speaker 3: We have to make sure they can stay objective and

637
00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:35,040
Speaker 3: not you know, hate them when you love them again.

638
00:30:35,280 --> 00:30:39,760
Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, their attitude became cold and fake, very customer

639
00:30:39,880 --> 00:30:44,280
Speaker 1: service smiles and greetings, which made me feel uncomfortable and unwelcome.

640
00:30:44,480 --> 00:30:46,520
Speaker 1: I brought this up to Mark and he noticed it too.

641
00:30:46,680 --> 00:30:50,040
Speaker 1: After a lot of encouragement, he confronted his parents. They

642
00:30:50,040 --> 00:30:53,560
Speaker 1: said they felt awkward after everything that had happened, and apologized,

643
00:30:53,640 --> 00:30:57,719
Speaker 1: promising to act more normal. Breaking news. Nothing changed. By

644
00:30:57,800 --> 00:31:00,320
Speaker 1: mid January twenty twenty six, we were set to go

645
00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:02,840
Speaker 1: on a family holiday for a national holiday. This is

646
00:31:02,840 --> 00:31:07,000
Speaker 1: where things really fell apart. Mark's dad had a serious

647
00:31:07,200 --> 00:31:10,360
Speaker 1: or has a serious anger problem. He's a ticking time

648
00:31:10,400 --> 00:31:14,440
Speaker 1: bomb who explodes over the smallest inconvenience, yelling and hurling

649
00:31:14,480 --> 00:31:17,400
Speaker 1: insults at anyone nearby. Before the trip, Mark told me

650
00:31:17,480 --> 00:31:19,360
Speaker 1: he was already fed up with his father and was

651
00:31:19,440 --> 00:31:22,880
Speaker 1: seriously considering moving in with my parents, which is also

652
00:31:23,000 --> 00:31:26,320
Speaker 1: just a hard time dealing with relationship issues and then

653
00:31:26,360 --> 00:31:29,080
Speaker 1: also parent issues because they're so young that the parents

654
00:31:29,080 --> 00:31:32,640
Speaker 1: are still I'm sure pretty involved. Yeah, sometimes it doesn't

655
00:31:32,640 --> 00:31:33,400
Speaker 1: matter with the age.

656
00:31:33,480 --> 00:31:35,880
Speaker 3: Yeah, in what way, it depends on the relationship that

657
00:31:35,880 --> 00:31:37,520
Speaker 3: the person has with their parents in the first place.

658
00:31:37,600 --> 00:31:40,440
Speaker 3: Sometimes they're just involved because they've been involved care in

659
00:31:40,480 --> 00:31:43,600
Speaker 3: a painful way. Oh, it's my own personal trauma, clearly.

660
00:31:43,760 --> 00:31:47,000
Speaker 1: The hoday itself was It was a ten day camping

661
00:31:47,040 --> 00:31:50,000
Speaker 1: trip at a river. By day three, myself, Mark and

662
00:31:50,040 --> 00:31:53,080
Speaker 1: his eighteen year old brother were completely over it and

663
00:31:53,200 --> 00:31:57,080
Speaker 1: wanted to go home. There were constant arguments between Mark, myself,

664
00:31:57,120 --> 00:31:59,800
Speaker 1: and friends who were there. Father in law had multiple

665
00:31:59,840 --> 00:32:02,600
Speaker 1: angry outbursts, and mother in law turned into a family

666
00:32:02,600 --> 00:32:05,920
Speaker 1: as everything mode, meaning no free time at all. Every

667
00:32:05,960 --> 00:32:08,280
Speaker 1: waking the second had to be spent with the family.

668
00:32:08,400 --> 00:32:11,880
Speaker 1: Whether that meant sitting in the sun roasting, or babysitting

669
00:32:11,920 --> 00:32:14,560
Speaker 1: a bunch of random kids from neighboring campsites that we

670
00:32:14,600 --> 00:32:18,960
Speaker 1: didn't even know. Yeah. After we got home, Mark was

671
00:32:19,000 --> 00:32:21,320
Speaker 1: summoned back to his parents' house the next day to

672
00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:24,160
Speaker 1: help unload. While he was there, his parents laid into

673
00:32:24,240 --> 00:32:26,840
Speaker 1: him about how horrible the holiday was and how much

674
00:32:26,880 --> 00:32:30,520
Speaker 1: they dislike me. That was his breaking point. Yeah, that's

675
00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:34,880
Speaker 1: that's not great parenting. I feel like my parents have

676
00:32:35,000 --> 00:32:38,160
Speaker 1: always or they've always said to me, like, we don't

677
00:32:38,160 --> 00:32:40,760
Speaker 1: want to say anything bad about the partner because they

678
00:32:40,840 --> 00:32:45,200
Speaker 1: might become the wife or the husband. Yeah. Yeah, obviously

679
00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:47,400
Speaker 1: you want to guide your you know they'll guide us.

680
00:32:47,480 --> 00:32:50,560
Speaker 3: But yeah, yeah, And I'm curious about is it the

681
00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:53,760
Speaker 3: breaking point for the relationship. Is he over the relationship

682
00:32:53,760 --> 00:32:54,960
Speaker 3: because the parents don't like her?

683
00:32:55,200 --> 00:32:58,280
Speaker 1: I think so far he's okay, Okay, I don't know

684
00:32:58,280 --> 00:33:01,600
Speaker 1: what this breaking point means. We'll see, his parents are

685
00:33:01,720 --> 00:33:04,520
Speaker 1: pain in the tush. He came straight to my house

686
00:33:04,560 --> 00:33:06,800
Speaker 1: and spoke to me and my parents, asking if he

687
00:33:06,840 --> 00:33:09,200
Speaker 1: could move in and explaining everything. So I guess his

688
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:12,240
Speaker 1: breaking point about living with his parents. Okay, my parents

689
00:33:12,320 --> 00:33:15,680
Speaker 1: already knew the situation, and my father had personally witnessed

690
00:33:15,680 --> 00:33:18,640
Speaker 1: one of father in law's outbursts previously when father in

691
00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:21,440
Speaker 1: law was essentially kicking Mark out, So my parents were

692
00:33:21,440 --> 00:33:23,320
Speaker 1: more than happy to let Mark stay with us as

693
00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:26,280
Speaker 1: long as he followed basic house rules and paid some rent,

694
00:33:26,400 --> 00:33:29,800
Speaker 1: which he agreed to. Now to the dilemma. Okay, I

695
00:33:29,800 --> 00:33:33,920
Speaker 1: guess all of that was not the dilemma. Because of

696
00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:36,160
Speaker 1: all of this, Mark and I have talked a lot

697
00:33:36,320 --> 00:33:38,840
Speaker 1: about marriage and our future. I have told him that

698
00:33:38,880 --> 00:33:40,800
Speaker 1: I do not want to take his family's last name

699
00:33:40,880 --> 00:33:43,960
Speaker 1: in any form. During his arguments with his parents, both

700
00:33:44,000 --> 00:33:47,120
Speaker 1: his mother and father made nasty comments about me and family.

701
00:33:47,240 --> 00:33:50,320
Speaker 1: I do not tolerate disrespect towards my parents or myself,

702
00:33:50,600 --> 00:33:54,400
Speaker 1: especially when it's unjustified. Because of this, I've cut contact

703
00:33:54,480 --> 00:33:57,440
Speaker 1: with my in laws completely and blocked them everywhere. When

704
00:33:57,480 --> 00:33:59,520
Speaker 1: I told Mark I don't want his last name, he

705
00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:02,160
Speaker 1: became upset. He said that even though he doesn't like

706
00:34:02,200 --> 00:34:04,120
Speaker 1: his father, it's still the man who raised him, and

707
00:34:04,160 --> 00:34:07,280
Speaker 1: not everyone with that last name is bad. I understand that,

708
00:34:07,480 --> 00:34:11,839
Speaker 1: but I cannot see myself sharing or potentially continuing father

709
00:34:11,920 --> 00:34:14,399
Speaker 1: in law's legacy. But there is a little bit left

710
00:34:14,400 --> 00:34:17,400
Speaker 1: to this story. Do you have any final thoughts, especially

711
00:34:17,440 --> 00:34:20,040
Speaker 1: about that specific problem that they're having.

712
00:34:20,160 --> 00:34:21,920
Speaker 3: Like I was saying before, I think to change your

713
00:34:22,000 --> 00:34:24,880
Speaker 3: name is very difficult. It's a very difficult process. And

714
00:34:25,800 --> 00:34:29,359
Speaker 3: to me because I have experienced people changing their name

715
00:34:29,400 --> 00:34:31,359
Speaker 3: to their in laws and then feeling like they don't

716
00:34:31,400 --> 00:34:33,120
Speaker 3: have a relationship with the in laws where they want

717
00:34:33,120 --> 00:34:36,160
Speaker 3: to keep the name. Yeah, and it just it makes sense.

718
00:34:36,400 --> 00:34:38,480
Speaker 3: I think it's important for them both to understand what

719
00:34:38,520 --> 00:34:40,960
Speaker 3: the name change actually means. Yeah, so then they can

720
00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:43,760
Speaker 3: figure out how to make that the reason why it happens,

721
00:34:43,760 --> 00:34:45,560
Speaker 3: instead of for tradition's sake.

722
00:34:45,440 --> 00:34:47,960
Speaker 1: Because like my mom didn't change her name and I

723
00:34:47,960 --> 00:34:50,840
Speaker 1: don't really have any desire to. But also, yeah, I

724
00:34:50,880 --> 00:34:52,600
Speaker 1: feel like it should be you're both on the same

725
00:34:52,640 --> 00:34:54,719
Speaker 1: page about it, Yeah, because a lot of people do,

726
00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:57,640
Speaker 1: and you know, there's a lot of beautiful meaning yeah,

727
00:34:57,719 --> 00:34:59,359
Speaker 1: that can come with it. But also I don't think

728
00:34:59,360 --> 00:35:02,319
Speaker 1: it's especially nowadays, I don't think that it's seen as

729
00:35:02,360 --> 00:35:04,520
Speaker 1: you know, like you have to do this. It's like

730
00:35:04,560 --> 00:35:07,239
Speaker 1: a choice, and for people it means different things.

731
00:35:07,239 --> 00:35:09,000
Speaker 3: If she were to do it, because she really wants

732
00:35:09,040 --> 00:35:12,200
Speaker 3: to feel like she is fully taking the relationship and

733
00:35:12,320 --> 00:35:14,560
Speaker 3: in some way then that makes sense if she feels

734
00:35:14,640 --> 00:35:16,800
Speaker 3: like she wants to reject some part of that legacy

735
00:35:16,840 --> 00:35:19,360
Speaker 3: because of the tempers and all that, that makes sense. Yeah,

736
00:35:19,719 --> 00:35:21,200
Speaker 3: I would be curious to know if they could come

737
00:35:21,239 --> 00:35:23,319
Speaker 3: to an agreement about that that feels good for the

738
00:35:23,320 --> 00:35:23,839
Speaker 3: both of them.

739
00:35:24,040 --> 00:35:26,000
Speaker 1: So when I was growing up, I had a tutor

740
00:35:26,120 --> 00:35:28,680
Speaker 1: who went to She was a year above me, and

741
00:35:29,680 --> 00:35:33,120
Speaker 1: her parents actually combined their last.

742
00:35:32,960 --> 00:35:35,399
Speaker 2: Name, like not hyphenated, like mashed up.

743
00:35:35,360 --> 00:35:38,160
Speaker 1: Full like mashed up name. Oh interesting. Yeah, and so

744
00:35:38,200 --> 00:35:40,080
Speaker 1: she had like their mashed up name and I didn't

745
00:35:40,080 --> 00:35:42,480
Speaker 1: know this until later. That's so interesting. But yeah, and

746
00:35:42,520 --> 00:35:46,359
Speaker 1: that's like maybe like interesting and like somewhat odd that

747
00:35:46,360 --> 00:35:49,720
Speaker 1: that may be to some people. Maybe that's a solution. Yeah,

748
00:35:49,760 --> 00:35:51,880
Speaker 1: you know, maybe it's a rejection of both things and

749
00:35:51,960 --> 00:35:55,160
Speaker 1: a saying like, Okay, this is our new connected name,

750
00:35:55,239 --> 00:35:58,759
Speaker 1: Like is there some sort of compromise that we can

751
00:35:58,760 --> 00:36:01,320
Speaker 1: come to in that way? Yeah? I love that. That's beautiful,

752
00:36:01,360 --> 00:36:03,439
Speaker 1: but there is a little bit left. I also won't

753
00:36:03,440 --> 00:36:05,960
Speaker 1: give father in law the satisfaction of knowing he has

754
00:36:05,960 --> 00:36:09,480
Speaker 1: grandchildren with his last name, which this I think is

755
00:36:09,520 --> 00:36:11,680
Speaker 1: a harder thing to because it's not just saying I

756
00:36:11,680 --> 00:36:13,440
Speaker 1: don't want to take your last name. I don't want

757
00:36:13,440 --> 00:36:16,600
Speaker 1: my kids today. That's I think an even harder conversation

758
00:36:17,000 --> 00:36:19,840
Speaker 1: or argument to have with a partner. I agree, Yeah,

759
00:36:19,880 --> 00:36:21,560
Speaker 1: that one's tough. It kind of feels like she's making

760
00:36:21,600 --> 00:36:24,120
Speaker 1: it more about the parents though than our partner. But

761
00:36:24,160 --> 00:36:26,759
Speaker 1: it also feels like he's saying he does want a

762
00:36:26,800 --> 00:36:29,360
Speaker 1: connection with his parents, So that's yeah, that's kind of

763
00:36:29,360 --> 00:36:31,600
Speaker 1: an interesting Yeah. I feel like they're both kind of

764
00:36:31,600 --> 00:36:32,560
Speaker 1: making it about the parents.

765
00:36:32,640 --> 00:36:35,080
Speaker 3: Yeah, exactly, And it's it's not about that at all.

766
00:36:35,120 --> 00:36:37,320
Speaker 3: It's about the person that you're with, the relationship exactly.

767
00:36:37,560 --> 00:36:39,839
Speaker 1: This is especially important to father in law, as he's

768
00:36:39,920 --> 00:36:43,640
Speaker 1: repeatedly said that Mark's kids will be his first grandchildren

769
00:36:43,920 --> 00:36:46,000
Speaker 1: and that he wants his first son to quote give

770
00:36:46,080 --> 00:36:48,920
Speaker 1: him grandchildren. I know this might sound cruel, but I

771
00:36:49,040 --> 00:36:52,160
Speaker 1: can't give him that satisfaction. I also can't take the

772
00:36:52,239 --> 00:36:54,239
Speaker 1: last name of people who have treated me and my

773
00:36:54,320 --> 00:36:57,880
Speaker 1: family poorly simply because they decided they don't like me anymore.

774
00:36:58,160 --> 00:37:00,439
Speaker 1: I suggested that Mark and I both change your last

775
00:37:00,520 --> 00:37:03,000
Speaker 1: names and start something new together. Oh, like you said,

776
00:37:03,120 --> 00:37:06,399
Speaker 1: But he's very insistent on keeping his I can't see

777
00:37:06,400 --> 00:37:09,040
Speaker 1: myself being married with separate last names or taking on

778
00:37:09,120 --> 00:37:13,239
Speaker 1: his family name. I need some advice, please, that's yeah.

779
00:37:13,360 --> 00:37:15,240
Speaker 1: Do you have any any other thoughts?

780
00:37:15,560 --> 00:37:18,359
Speaker 3: I feel like they try the thing that we would advise, right.

781
00:37:18,800 --> 00:37:21,640
Speaker 1: I don't know what other advice other than figure out

782
00:37:21,840 --> 00:37:24,479
Speaker 1: why he is so adamant and you are.

783
00:37:24,360 --> 00:37:27,959
Speaker 3: So against exactly, and keep having that conversation and again,

784
00:37:28,040 --> 00:37:30,680
Speaker 3: make it about each other instead of about these parents.

785
00:37:30,680 --> 00:37:32,239
Speaker 3: I think they're playing too much of a role in

786
00:37:32,280 --> 00:37:33,880
Speaker 3: their decisions about the future.

787
00:37:34,040 --> 00:37:37,400
Speaker 1: And I think maybe the real issue here is how

788
00:37:37,480 --> 00:37:40,200
Speaker 1: much involvement they have in his life right now. And

789
00:37:40,239 --> 00:37:43,239
Speaker 1: maybe it's just saying, hey, I don't feel comfortable with

790
00:37:43,320 --> 00:37:47,560
Speaker 1: them being so or just ridiculing our relationship so much

791
00:37:47,600 --> 00:37:50,480
Speaker 1: and yet being very active. Yeah, and maybe like asking

792
00:37:50,480 --> 00:37:52,279
Speaker 1: for distance, Yeah, because she is.

793
00:37:52,239 --> 00:37:54,120
Speaker 3: Just disowning the last name, but that would be him

794
00:37:54,120 --> 00:37:56,279
Speaker 3: disowning his parents kind of And does she want that

795
00:37:56,320 --> 00:37:56,640
Speaker 3: for him?

796
00:37:56,680 --> 00:37:58,319
Speaker 1: I don't know. Maybe maybe that's what she wants, something

797
00:37:58,400 --> 00:38:00,799
Speaker 1: like maybe she wants him to stop having relationship, and

798
00:38:00,840 --> 00:38:03,279
Speaker 1: then that's that's the conversation that they have to have. Yeah,

799
00:38:03,280 --> 00:38:07,000
Speaker 1: that's a big ass yeah, huge ask and they're so young. Yeah, exactly,

800
00:38:07,080 --> 00:38:09,799
Speaker 1: twenty twenty one. Yeah, like that's a huge thing to

801
00:38:09,840 --> 00:38:12,239
Speaker 1: ask of a twenty one year old. Exactly. They feel

802
00:38:12,280 --> 00:38:14,840
Speaker 1: like adults and they have mature conversations. Ma'am, you're not.

803
00:38:14,880 --> 00:38:17,319
Speaker 3: Actually, I don't want to know or tell people what

804
00:38:17,360 --> 00:38:20,280
Speaker 3: I was doing when I was nineteen twenty years old.

805
00:38:20,480 --> 00:38:22,960
Speaker 1: I definitely was an adult. I was not an adult

806
00:38:23,040 --> 00:38:25,600
Speaker 1: at that age. I don't even really feel like an

807
00:38:25,640 --> 00:38:29,160
Speaker 1: adult at twenty four. Yeah. Hey, it's Carly, your favorite

808
00:38:29,239 --> 00:38:30,040
Speaker 1: Jersey girl. Here.

809
00:38:30,239 --> 00:38:32,280
Speaker 2: We're going to get back to the stories. But here's

810
00:38:32,360 --> 00:38:34,560
Speaker 2: three minutes of ads from our sponsors.

811
00:38:35,080 --> 00:38:37,560
Speaker 1: Comments. Comment one says, if you don't want to take

812
00:38:37,600 --> 00:38:40,200
Speaker 1: his last name, that's fine. Where you lost me is

813
00:38:40,239 --> 00:38:44,280
Speaker 1: trying to convince him to change his His parents basically

814
00:38:44,280 --> 00:38:47,799
Speaker 1: gave him an ultimatum them or you. You're doing the

815
00:38:47,800 --> 00:38:52,080
Speaker 1: same thing his identity for you. The only real solutioneer

816
00:38:52,160 --> 00:38:53,840
Speaker 1: is to keep both of your own last names and

817
00:38:53,920 --> 00:38:56,880
Speaker 1: hyphenate your kids. Also know that you're including him in

818
00:38:56,960 --> 00:38:59,960
Speaker 1: this punishment you're giving his parents. Yeah, he already chose

819
00:39:00,560 --> 00:39:04,000
Speaker 1: that's his last name too. Yeah. By reacting so viscerally

820
00:39:04,040 --> 00:39:06,719
Speaker 1: to it, you're rejecting him too. Again, you don't have

821
00:39:06,760 --> 00:39:09,040
Speaker 1: to take his last name. You can just love yours.

822
00:39:09,160 --> 00:39:11,560
Speaker 1: But doing this as some sort of petty act against

823
00:39:11,600 --> 00:39:15,400
Speaker 1: his parents is just going to create resentment between you both. Yeah,

824
00:39:15,440 --> 00:39:17,239
Speaker 1: at the end of the day, you're both really young,

825
00:39:17,360 --> 00:39:19,840
Speaker 1: so you don't need to plan everything out right now.

826
00:39:20,200 --> 00:39:23,320
Speaker 1: Just know by giving him this ultimatum now you will

827
00:39:23,360 --> 00:39:26,120
Speaker 1: create bad blood between the two of you and your future.

828
00:39:26,200 --> 00:39:28,360
Speaker 1: I think all that was really good feedback. Yeah, we

829
00:39:28,400 --> 00:39:30,759
Speaker 1: don't always get great feedback on Reddit, but sometimes we

830
00:39:30,880 --> 00:39:34,880
Speaker 1: have stuff feels very Romeo Juliette, you know, like the

831
00:39:34,920 --> 00:39:37,359
Speaker 1: monologue Juliette gives of like, oh if only you were

832
00:39:37,560 --> 00:39:40,239
Speaker 1: you know, but by another name. Yeah, it's what I

833
00:39:40,239 --> 00:39:41,160
Speaker 1: feel like Opie wants.

834
00:39:41,280 --> 00:39:42,440
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, it's a good point.

835
00:39:42,560 --> 00:39:45,320
Speaker 1: Common two says. It sounds like the parents are realizing

836
00:39:45,360 --> 00:39:47,640
Speaker 1: their time as the leaders of their family is coming

837
00:39:47,680 --> 00:39:50,319
Speaker 1: to a close, so they are tightening their grip. A

838
00:39:50,400 --> 00:39:53,239
Speaker 1: ten day camping trip is way too long. That was

839
00:39:53,360 --> 00:39:56,040
Speaker 1: crazy to me. But they said ten day camping trip

840
00:39:56,080 --> 00:39:59,520
Speaker 1: with a family, and ope, yeah that I don't camp,

841
00:39:59,640 --> 00:40:01,759
Speaker 1: So maybe that's just why it feels crazy to me.

842
00:40:01,880 --> 00:40:03,760
Speaker 1: But that would be a long.

843
00:40:03,600 --> 00:40:05,960
Speaker 3: Time I have camped and I don't think i'd do

844
00:40:06,000 --> 00:40:08,760
Speaker 3: it for ten days within laws.

845
00:40:08,880 --> 00:40:11,800
Speaker 1: Yeah that does not sound fun. Yeah that sounds brutal. Yeah,

846
00:40:11,960 --> 00:40:17,320
Speaker 1: you're like already probably annoyed and you know, dirty and.

847
00:40:17,360 --> 00:40:19,760
Speaker 2: Not getting good sleep because you're sleeping on the ground.

848
00:40:19,920 --> 00:40:21,960
Speaker 3: Yeah, there's a bunch of Yeah, the kids and I

849
00:40:22,120 --> 00:40:23,920
Speaker 3: like kind of like you in laws, and I'm going

850
00:40:24,000 --> 00:40:25,640
Speaker 3: to be hanging out with you for ten whole days

851
00:40:25,640 --> 00:40:26,680
Speaker 3: straight in the wilderness.

852
00:40:26,760 --> 00:40:30,760
Speaker 2: Yeah, stuck in the woods. Probably no reception, that's my nemer.

853
00:40:30,920 --> 00:40:33,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, well, I like my I don't have in laws,

854
00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:36,360
Speaker 1: but I like my boyfriends. They're very nice, But camping

855
00:40:36,440 --> 00:40:39,279
Speaker 1: is my name, or especially if you aren't allowed to

856
00:40:39,360 --> 00:40:42,839
Speaker 1: navigate any of that time independently. Yeah, as angry as

857
00:40:42,840 --> 00:40:45,520
Speaker 1: everyone is right now, I try to avoid a loud

858
00:40:45,640 --> 00:40:48,279
Speaker 1: exit from the family. I know it's very satisfying to

859
00:40:48,320 --> 00:40:50,200
Speaker 1: stick it to people, but it makes it harder for

860
00:40:50,239 --> 00:40:52,640
Speaker 1: you long term. Your boyfriend moving out of their family

861
00:40:52,680 --> 00:40:55,640
Speaker 1: home should be enough for now that action is loud

862
00:40:55,680 --> 00:40:58,720
Speaker 1: without having a fight about it. Hopefully's parents will realize

863
00:40:58,719 --> 00:41:00,960
Speaker 1: they are the most important people this life anymore. You

864
00:41:01,000 --> 00:41:03,640
Speaker 1: aren't getting married today, so the decision on which last

865
00:41:03,719 --> 00:41:06,400
Speaker 1: name doesn't have to be made today. That's true. You

866
00:41:06,440 --> 00:41:09,160
Speaker 1: aren't having kids today, so the decision on their last

867
00:41:09,239 --> 00:41:11,760
Speaker 1: name doesn't have to be made today. Try to focus

868
00:41:11,760 --> 00:41:13,960
Speaker 1: on dealing with the issues you have in your relationship

869
00:41:14,080 --> 00:41:18,360
Speaker 1: right now, yeah, instead of future issues that haven't happened yet.

870
00:41:18,480 --> 00:41:21,000
Speaker 1: Focusing on the last name is a really convenient way

871
00:41:21,040 --> 00:41:23,480
Speaker 1: to avoid what was happening right now. But if you

872
00:41:23,520 --> 00:41:26,319
Speaker 1: really want a solution, ifinate both last names, and y'all

873
00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:28,920
Speaker 1: can decide when you want to be which.

874
00:41:29,040 --> 00:41:31,560
Speaker 3: I do think that it's always good to just let

875
00:41:31,640 --> 00:41:34,440
Speaker 3: things air out a little bit and breathe and then

876
00:41:34,480 --> 00:41:38,479
Speaker 3: decide later. The question is not on the table for now.

877
00:41:38,520 --> 00:41:40,960
Speaker 3: They're not, like that person said, they're not getting married.

878
00:41:41,080 --> 00:41:44,960
Speaker 3: But also to be so conclusive at nineteen twenty, yeah,

879
00:41:45,000 --> 00:41:47,320
Speaker 3: there's just so much room for growth and development.

880
00:41:47,440 --> 00:41:48,160
Speaker 1: Absolutely.

881
00:41:48,320 --> 00:41:50,920
Speaker 3: The male brain actually doesn't mature until twenty four, so

882
00:41:50,960 --> 00:41:53,480
Speaker 3: they don't really know, like, you know, what the right

883
00:41:53,520 --> 00:41:55,960
Speaker 3: thing is at the time. And women, I think it's

884
00:41:56,000 --> 00:41:57,960
Speaker 3: like eighteen twenty something like that.

885
00:41:57,960 --> 00:41:58,960
Speaker 2: That's crazy.

886
00:41:59,280 --> 00:42:02,400
Speaker 3: Yeah, So I just feel like to be deciding so

887
00:42:02,480 --> 00:42:06,239
Speaker 3: conclusively today when that's not even a thing, is that's

888
00:42:06,280 --> 00:42:07,360
Speaker 3: a really big decision.

889
00:42:07,560 --> 00:42:11,160
Speaker 1: It does feel like they're trying to distance their relationship

890
00:42:11,200 --> 00:42:14,880
Speaker 1: from their parents by acting more mature and more adult

891
00:42:14,920 --> 00:42:17,440
Speaker 1: and saying, well, we have to have these adult conversations

892
00:42:17,480 --> 00:42:20,439
Speaker 1: if we're having an adult relationship. Yeah, and I think, yeah,

893
00:42:20,480 --> 00:42:24,400
Speaker 1: maybe taking just a slower step, yeah, flowing that relationship.

894
00:42:24,400 --> 00:42:26,360
Speaker 1: Because because you guys have been dating since you weard in

895
00:42:26,400 --> 00:42:30,680
Speaker 1: high school. Yeah, and haven't had any other relationships besides

896
00:42:30,960 --> 00:42:32,880
Speaker 1: the one that you're in. Yeah, so I feel like,

897
00:42:32,920 --> 00:42:34,879
Speaker 1: you know, take a minute to figure all of that well.

898
00:42:34,920 --> 00:42:39,040
Speaker 3: And also haven't had any autonomy. They are going between parents' houses,

899
00:42:39,120 --> 00:42:41,279
Speaker 3: you know, so I would be curious to know once

900
00:42:41,320 --> 00:42:43,480
Speaker 3: they fully are on their own and invest in their

901
00:42:43,480 --> 00:42:45,160
Speaker 3: own lives outside of their parents.

902
00:42:45,280 --> 00:42:46,759
Speaker 1: Sure, what would be the decision? Then?

903
00:42:47,040 --> 00:42:50,239
Speaker 3: Maybe maybe boyfriend doesn't want to take keep his last name,

904
00:42:50,320 --> 00:42:52,399
Speaker 3: or maybe he changes his perspective about that.

905
00:42:52,480 --> 00:42:54,719
Speaker 1: It feels very early to make that. Yeah, such a

906
00:42:54,760 --> 00:42:58,000
Speaker 1: conclusive answer. Yeah, but that's the end of that story

907
00:42:58,320 --> 00:43:01,160
Speaker 1: and the end of art. Like to go, Oh, that

908
00:43:01,280 --> 00:43:03,680
Speaker 1: was so fun. Thank you so much for joining me,

909
00:43:03,719 --> 00:43:08,319
Speaker 1: Thank you guys for having me and Yayah, I didn't

910
00:43:08,320 --> 00:43:10,840
Speaker 1: even rehearse or anything. Oh you did so well. I

911
00:43:10,880 --> 00:43:14,120
Speaker 1: think we just kept being like, wait, we have follow ups,

912
00:43:14,960 --> 00:43:16,280
Speaker 1: we're one more question?

913
00:43:16,680 --> 00:43:16,759
Speaker 5: No?

914
00:43:16,920 --> 00:43:21,719
Speaker 1: Yeah, so truly great, great answers. Thank you, thank you

915
00:43:21,760 --> 00:43:24,239
Speaker 1: so much. Do you want to give one more introduction?

916
00:43:24,400 --> 00:43:26,880
Speaker 1: And uh if you want to plug any anything you

917
00:43:26,920 --> 00:43:28,640
Speaker 1: want to plug. Yeah.

918
00:43:28,680 --> 00:43:31,359
Speaker 3: So, my name again is Kahara McKinney. I am a

919
00:43:31,400 --> 00:43:34,200
Speaker 3: licensed marriage and family therapist. I have socials, but I

920
00:43:34,239 --> 00:43:36,319
Speaker 3: don't follow them, so you can find me on my

921
00:43:36,400 --> 00:43:38,240
Speaker 3: website Kahara McKinney dot com.

922
00:43:38,400 --> 00:43:41,319
Speaker 1: But if you love us, make sure to subscribe.

923
00:43:41,440 --> 00:43:44,359
Speaker 3: We love you and see you tomorrow.