1 00:00:00,280 --> 00:00:04,320 Speaker 1: Hi, Catherine, how are you doing. I'm great, You're back home. 2 00:00:04,360 --> 00:00:07,840 Speaker 1: What's new in your world? We taped our special in Nashville. Well, 3 00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:09,840 Speaker 1: I say our special because Joe directed it for me, 4 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:14,000 Speaker 1: which was such a delight. It was so nice to 5 00:00:14,040 --> 00:00:16,840 Speaker 1: have a man not only be everything he is in 6 00:00:16,880 --> 00:00:18,880 Speaker 1: my life, but to be able to go into something 7 00:00:18,920 --> 00:00:22,319 Speaker 1: creative like shooting my next stand up special and not 8 00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:24,240 Speaker 1: have to deal with any of the minutia that I 9 00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:27,880 Speaker 1: am not interested in, which is camera angles, jib shots, 10 00:00:28,120 --> 00:00:30,240 Speaker 1: gimbal shots. They are all sorts of cameras that I've 11 00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:31,840 Speaker 1: never fucking heard of, and I don't want to know 12 00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:36,720 Speaker 1: anything more about them. Curtains and drapery and lighting and 13 00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:40,639 Speaker 1: la la la la. Joe did everything for me. He 14 00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:43,520 Speaker 1: arranged everything. He just asked me to pick out certain 15 00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:46,239 Speaker 1: colors and this and that, and then went in and 16 00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:48,680 Speaker 1: got on stage at like nine in the morning at 17 00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:51,760 Speaker 1: the theater with my producers Michelle and Shannon, who are 18 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:55,480 Speaker 1: an incredible producing team, and I he goes, come in 19 00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:57,400 Speaker 1: at four thirty, honey, do whatever you need to do 20 00:00:57,440 --> 00:00:58,760 Speaker 1: to get in the zone and just come in and 21 00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:00,880 Speaker 1: four thirty and I was the most most experience I've 22 00:01:00,920 --> 00:01:04,280 Speaker 1: ever had, And I am so grateful to have not 23 00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:06,760 Speaker 1: only a partner, but somebody who has in this world 24 00:01:07,319 --> 00:01:11,200 Speaker 1: that I operate in shorthand Yeah, and he's cool and 25 00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:13,880 Speaker 1: it has style, like you know, so I don't have 26 00:01:13,959 --> 00:01:17,039 Speaker 1: to think about any of that. And I'm just it 27 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,880 Speaker 1: was just a delight. So we're home now, we've been 28 00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:23,360 Speaker 1: on the road for three weeks and we're home. So 29 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:26,399 Speaker 1: it's time for me to de bloat, because this travel 30 00:01:26,959 --> 00:01:33,240 Speaker 1: section really got after me drinking, eating, drinking, eating, traveling constipation. 31 00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:35,840 Speaker 1: I'm just like, what is that? Why do you when 32 00:01:35,840 --> 00:01:37,759 Speaker 1: you travel you don't go to the bathroom. I don't 33 00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:40,200 Speaker 1: like that at all. And then I tried this new product, 34 00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:42,679 Speaker 1: this green drink, which I was like, great because it 35 00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:44,760 Speaker 1: makes you go to the bathroom a lot, but then 36 00:01:44,959 --> 00:01:47,360 Speaker 1: you're constipated for two days after so I think it 37 00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:49,360 Speaker 1: cleans you out so much that you've got nothing left 38 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:51,920 Speaker 1: to give for two days. And then, uh, so our 39 00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:55,320 Speaker 1: plane ride home was just long, long, long, because I 40 00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:58,240 Speaker 1: just wanted to detox. You know, I'm feeling already so 41 00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:00,600 Speaker 1: much better being home good, and to make your own 42 00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:03,040 Speaker 1: choices and like eat what you want to eat that 43 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:06,240 Speaker 1: makes you feel good. My therapist and I even talking 44 00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:10,800 Speaker 1: a lot about that, like mindfulness and intuitive eating, eating 45 00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:12,280 Speaker 1: what you know in a half an hour is gonna 46 00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:16,799 Speaker 1: make your body feel good and just like little swaps, yes, yes, yes, 47 00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:20,160 Speaker 1: because it's nice and like eating clean makes you such 48 00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:22,560 Speaker 1: a difference in your mental clarity, and like for me, 49 00:02:22,639 --> 00:02:25,200 Speaker 1: that is everything because I hate feeling foggy and on 50 00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:28,560 Speaker 1: the road. Inevitably I start to drink, I start to 51 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:31,600 Speaker 1: eat badly. You know, you make poor decisions when you're hungover. 52 00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:33,160 Speaker 1: You think you're gonna be able to stick to your 53 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:35,720 Speaker 1: diet even when you drink, but it's not like that. 54 00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:37,320 Speaker 1: You wake up, you have a bad night of sleep, 55 00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:40,520 Speaker 1: then you need more food for fuel comfort, and then 56 00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:43,080 Speaker 1: you go and make bad decisions. And when I eat clean, 57 00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:46,360 Speaker 1: I'm just I have higher energy levels. Yeah, absolutely, and 58 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:49,200 Speaker 1: you're just like feel better, like physically, you don't get that, 59 00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:51,240 Speaker 1: like you said, tons of bloating. You don't get that 60 00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:54,119 Speaker 1: nauseous feeling if you're you know, having a potato chip 61 00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:57,840 Speaker 1: or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, I had a bag of Cheetos 62 00:02:57,880 --> 00:03:00,120 Speaker 1: on the road. Was my first bag of Cheetos probably 63 00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:04,120 Speaker 1: and like two years and yeah, and I started for 64 00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:07,079 Speaker 1: three days, so I'm not eating studios again. It's so disgusting. 65 00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:08,679 Speaker 1: I did get to see my nephew though. We picked 66 00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:10,280 Speaker 1: him up. He was in Detroit. I had a show 67 00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:13,000 Speaker 1: an Ontario Windsor. So we picked him up in Detroit 68 00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:16,000 Speaker 1: and drove across the bridge to Canada with him, trying 69 00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:19,120 Speaker 1: to deprogram him from his ultra conservative views. Not ultra 70 00:03:19,639 --> 00:03:23,000 Speaker 1: but too conservative for my liking. His mother has been 71 00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:25,360 Speaker 1: programming him for a long time. Indoctrinating him is how 72 00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:28,040 Speaker 1: I like to frame it. Um. She's a Russian nationalist. 73 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:30,600 Speaker 1: So we had to, you know, say, and we did. 74 00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:32,799 Speaker 1: All of us had a really good time kind of 75 00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:35,520 Speaker 1: debating back and forth to do with him about what 76 00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:38,120 Speaker 1: he thinks is the real state of things. Yeah, did 77 00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:41,760 Speaker 1: you hear feel some movement on him? Because he's nineteen. 78 00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:45,200 Speaker 1: My security guy Buddha was there and he's like, you know, Chelsea, 79 00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:47,080 Speaker 1: I remember when I was in nineteen. I believe that 80 00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:50,200 Speaker 1: ship too, you know, like he he said things like, oh, 81 00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:52,200 Speaker 1: you know, I don't know if I don't believe racism 82 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:54,040 Speaker 1: is as big of a problem as people make it 83 00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:57,040 Speaker 1: out to be. And it's likely if you're white, you're 84 00:03:57,320 --> 00:04:00,320 Speaker 1: you wouldn't know, how would you know, you're white and 85 00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:04,680 Speaker 1: your nineteen and your whole life is set up for success. Yeah. Yeah, 86 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:07,680 Speaker 1: he's in college. He's interning, and I mean thankfully he's 87 00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:09,480 Speaker 1: in college because he's going to be around other people 88 00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:12,360 Speaker 1: that will hopefully open his eyes and mined up to things. 89 00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:14,480 Speaker 1: But he's still upset that he didn't get into, you know, 90 00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:16,960 Speaker 1: the college he wanted to get into. And you know, 91 00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:19,120 Speaker 1: he thinks that somebody else took his spot that was 92 00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:21,200 Speaker 1: maybe less qualified, and we had to explain to him 93 00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:24,000 Speaker 1: why that's not even an issue. So shut the suck up. 94 00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:26,760 Speaker 1: If he didn't get a four point oh, then you know, yeah, 95 00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:31,159 Speaker 1: it's not someone else's fault. Martha came to my show. Yeah, 96 00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:35,240 Speaker 1: Martha Stork came to my show in God, it's so 97 00:04:35,279 --> 00:04:39,640 Speaker 1: hard to remember where I just want Yes, yes, she 98 00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:42,360 Speaker 1: and her crew came. That was fun, and Joe came 99 00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:44,320 Speaker 1: on stage with us. So it was good to see 100 00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:47,960 Speaker 1: Martha out and about maybe she's eighty years old, she's 101 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:54,920 Speaker 1: like still very beautiful. Yes, yes, radiant, that's what I said. 102 00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:58,040 Speaker 1: I said, luminous. She really Joe's because we looked it 103 00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:00,800 Speaker 1: up at lunch after Joe met her outside Joe's like, 104 00:05:00,839 --> 00:05:04,279 Speaker 1: how old is that woman? I mean, she seems young 105 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:06,000 Speaker 1: and I was like, yeah, I know, I think she's 106 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:07,600 Speaker 1: probably late seventies. And then I looked it up and 107 00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:10,920 Speaker 1: she's eighty. Yeah. People are getting older. People are getting 108 00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:13,520 Speaker 1: older and happening. One of my great grandmother said, you 109 00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:18,880 Speaker 1: never truly mature until you hit eighty really, so maybe 110 00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:21,960 Speaker 1: she's mature. Now, Well, what about who people who don't 111 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:25,520 Speaker 1: hit eighties? I mean, what's their story. I definitely don't 112 00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:29,320 Speaker 1: feel fully mature, and I don't know when that's going 113 00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:31,400 Speaker 1: to hit me because I'm sucking forty seven, so I 114 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:34,120 Speaker 1: would like that to hit sooner than later. Although it 115 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:37,600 Speaker 1: doesn't sound super fun to be mature, like that just 116 00:05:37,680 --> 00:05:40,440 Speaker 1: sounds I feel like I'm already less fun than I 117 00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:42,800 Speaker 1: used to be, Like I want to go to bed 118 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:45,320 Speaker 1: at nine thirty. Last night, Joe and I were up 119 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:49,120 Speaker 1: and and he came home at like six thirty, and 120 00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:51,640 Speaker 1: I had already taken my edible with dinner, so I 121 00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:55,000 Speaker 1: was fading out around. I was already like tired at 122 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:57,479 Speaker 1: six thirty, but I just came back from the East Coast, 123 00:05:57,880 --> 00:05:59,840 Speaker 1: so I was kind of I used that excuse when 124 00:05:59,839 --> 00:06:01,760 Speaker 1: it's suits me that I was on East Coast time 125 00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:05,880 Speaker 1: only when it suits me, and I'm like, well, it's 126 00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:07,480 Speaker 1: nine thirty and I usually like to go to bed 127 00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:10,720 Speaker 1: around ten thirty, you know. But I was fading out 128 00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:11,760 Speaker 1: and he's like, do you want to go out and 129 00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:14,640 Speaker 1: get a juice somewhere? And I just looked at him like, no, 130 00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:18,200 Speaker 1: I don't leave the house. I'm not I don't want 131 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:20,640 Speaker 1: to go anywhere. I fell asleep on the sofa. We 132 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:23,600 Speaker 1: watched one episode of the Staircase to get him up 133 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:28,080 Speaker 1: to speed, the fictionalized the sc scripted version, not fictionalized, 134 00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:30,320 Speaker 1: because they actually say because I was toggling back and 135 00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:33,720 Speaker 1: forth between The Staircase the HBO Max One and then 136 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:37,080 Speaker 1: going to Netflix to see like, oh, is that girlfriend 137 00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:41,720 Speaker 1: of his the documentarian in the Staircase documentary? But then 138 00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:44,680 Speaker 1: I was like, no, idiot, you're high shoot. No documentarian 139 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:49,159 Speaker 1: puts themselves in the documentary, especially when they're sucking the 140 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:52,479 Speaker 1: person that there is starring in the documentary. So that 141 00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:55,320 Speaker 1: didn't make any sense. But that show is so disturbing 142 00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:59,040 Speaker 1: and that guy is so guilty, it's just so ridiculous. 143 00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:01,640 Speaker 1: And then the sexy and it's like that sex scene 144 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:05,120 Speaker 1: of him eating her ass in the kitchen. I heard 145 00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:07,640 Speaker 1: about this, I haven't seen. I've seen the documentary, but 146 00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:10,480 Speaker 1: I haven't seen. Well, it's obviously not in the documentary, 147 00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:13,880 Speaker 1: but it's because that they took a little license with 148 00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:16,240 Speaker 1: that eating her ass in the kitchen, and it's like, 149 00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:18,720 Speaker 1: first of all, who's ready to get their asset in 150 00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:22,280 Speaker 1: the middle afternoon? I mean, you need to prep for that. 151 00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:25,600 Speaker 1: And then there was another really gross sex scene between 152 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:29,040 Speaker 1: Tony Glenn and Colin Firth. I mean, Colin Firth really 153 00:07:29,080 --> 00:07:32,200 Speaker 1: pulls it off because he plays a very He is disturbing, 154 00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:35,960 Speaker 1: you know, and creepy and like, I mean he's so good, yeah, 155 00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:38,840 Speaker 1: so good. Yeah, Yeah, he's a really yeah, he's a 156 00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:41,480 Speaker 1: really good actor. Because even when they've interview him behind 157 00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:44,640 Speaker 1: the scenes for the staircase, you're like, oh, you're actually 158 00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:48,160 Speaker 1: sexy in real life. You've made yourself kind of unsexy, 159 00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:51,080 Speaker 1: not kind of. But what I still don't understand is 160 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:53,880 Speaker 1: if my father, like if my mother was found at 161 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:56,720 Speaker 1: the bottom of the stairwell by my father, even if 162 00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:58,600 Speaker 1: it was my birth father, I would not be on 163 00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:01,600 Speaker 1: his side. There is no chance that I would believe 164 00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:04,120 Speaker 1: any of that horseship. So the fact that four of 165 00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:07,400 Speaker 1: his children are so fucked up that they believe that 166 00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:10,280 Speaker 1: their father is innocent when everything is pointing to the 167 00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:13,480 Speaker 1: fact that he is not makes me I rate big 168 00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:15,920 Speaker 1: spoiler alert. I don't even know if I should say 169 00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:19,280 Speaker 1: this to you, but what happened in his past? Yeah, 170 00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:21,680 Speaker 1: I mean, especially after you find that out, it's like, 171 00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:24,680 Speaker 1: wait a minute, well who cares those Either you saw 172 00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:26,640 Speaker 1: the show where you didn't and I want to say, 173 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,720 Speaker 1: there's a scene in the movie or one of the 174 00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:31,880 Speaker 1: things where they say, oh, you there is no such 175 00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:36,280 Speaker 1: thing as a serial staircase killer, right, because I'm like, 176 00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:40,160 Speaker 1: there is now, this is one, like, it's not to accidents, 177 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:42,959 Speaker 1: it's just not right. And then the other ex wife 178 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:45,800 Speaker 1: from the past, he's all, you know, out of sorts. 179 00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:47,959 Speaker 1: I'm just like, she's a hot mess too and has 180 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:52,280 Speaker 1: been brainwashed or brain injured. You know. Yeah, good points. 181 00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:55,040 Speaker 1: So anyway, that's been keeping us busy for a while. 182 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:56,680 Speaker 1: But I think we're going to move on to Atlanta 183 00:08:56,760 --> 00:08:59,360 Speaker 1: now because I'm behind in Atlanta and I want to 184 00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:02,000 Speaker 1: catch up with because I hear that's a really good show. Yeah. 185 00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:04,000 Speaker 1: We watched the first couple of seasons of that and 186 00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:06,319 Speaker 1: really enjoyed it, but then it's taken kind of so 187 00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:08,280 Speaker 1: long for new season's to come out that we've sort 188 00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:10,360 Speaker 1: of falling off the wagon with that. We've gotta jump 189 00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:12,760 Speaker 1: back on that train. Well before we get to all 190 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:15,520 Speaker 1: the fun stuff, We'll take a quick break. Okay, sounds good, 191 00:09:15,559 --> 00:09:22,040 Speaker 1: We'll be right back. Oh. Our guest today is a 192 00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:25,480 Speaker 1: an advice columnist himself. You probably know him from his 193 00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:29,120 Speaker 1: advocacy work on the It Gets Better campaign. He is 194 00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:31,640 Speaker 1: a co writer of the upcoming film called Spoiler Alert, 195 00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:34,679 Speaker 1: and he is the host of Savage Love Cast, which 196 00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:42,839 Speaker 1: is in its season. Please welcome Dan Savage. Hi, Dan, Hey, Chelsea. Hi, 197 00:09:42,920 --> 00:09:44,520 Speaker 1: It's nice to see you again. The last time we 198 00:09:44,559 --> 00:09:46,839 Speaker 1: saw each other was at a dinner party that we 199 00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:50,559 Speaker 1: were filming for my Netflix show Right, yeah, your house. 200 00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:53,320 Speaker 1: I made Jennifer Garner sad. That's what I remember about 201 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:58,000 Speaker 1: that dinner. Jennifer Garner. What was sad? Yeah, because she 202 00:09:58,160 --> 00:10:01,040 Speaker 1: was talking about Republicans and ma reaching them, and I 203 00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:02,880 Speaker 1: kind of felt that there was no reaching them. And 204 00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:05,079 Speaker 1: I think I've been proven right over the last few 205 00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:07,880 Speaker 1: years there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I forgot about that conversation. 206 00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:10,200 Speaker 1: Of course, we were talking about that then it's funny 207 00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:12,720 Speaker 1: that the conversation probably would be exactly the same at 208 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:16,840 Speaker 1: this point. Yeah, we are trapped, I know, terrible times 209 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:20,320 Speaker 1: we live in right, Yes, yes, very terrible. Well, I'm 210 00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:23,520 Speaker 1: very excited to have you on today because Dan Savage, 211 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:26,120 Speaker 1: for those of you who are not familiar with him, 212 00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:30,719 Speaker 1: has been the premier advice giver on his podcast, which 213 00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:35,160 Speaker 1: is called Savage Love Cast, which is in its seventeen season. 214 00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:38,959 Speaker 1: So we have somebody who really really has the skill 215 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:43,040 Speaker 1: set to answer questions not unlike yours, truly, I'm sorry, 216 00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:47,280 Speaker 1: not like yours truly, definitely unlike yours truly. You know, 217 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:50,280 Speaker 1: when you look at advice in the dictionary, all it 218 00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:53,240 Speaker 1: says is opinion about what kutter should be done. The 219 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:56,120 Speaker 1: only qualification you need to give advice is somebody asked 220 00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:59,360 Speaker 1: you for it. That's exactly right. And you know what 221 00:10:59,559 --> 00:11:02,240 Speaker 1: my just vocation for even doing a podcast like this, Dan, 222 00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:05,520 Speaker 1: is that I was giving unsolicited advice to people for 223 00:11:05,559 --> 00:11:08,520 Speaker 1: so many years that I figure, why not have people 224 00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:12,280 Speaker 1: actually ask me questions so that it is warranted. Solicited 225 00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:15,440 Speaker 1: advice is better than unsolicited advice, just like solicited dick 226 00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:18,319 Speaker 1: picks are better than unsolicited thank you for saying that, 227 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:21,400 Speaker 1: so I didn't have to now tell me do people 228 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:23,959 Speaker 1: assume now? Do people come up to you whenever they 229 00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:27,480 Speaker 1: see you, recognize you, expecting to asking for advice in 230 00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:30,560 Speaker 1: real life all the time. Yeah, It's happened in restaurants. 231 00:11:30,559 --> 00:11:33,079 Speaker 1: That's happened in airports. It's happened at urinals where the 232 00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:36,720 Speaker 1: person standing next to me recognizes me. That's my favorite 233 00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:38,880 Speaker 1: place for a fan interaction. Is it right next to 234 00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:43,320 Speaker 1: a urinal? Yeah? Yeah, mine too. What's really weird is 235 00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:46,440 Speaker 1: because not as many people are familiar with my face, 236 00:11:46,559 --> 00:11:48,960 Speaker 1: but people have been listening for a long time, and 237 00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:52,000 Speaker 1: so it can startle someone to hear my voice come 238 00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:56,200 Speaker 1: out of a person as opposed to their headphones or earbuds, 239 00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:58,440 Speaker 1: and so that, you know, I'll be on the phone 240 00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:00,679 Speaker 1: with somebody and somebody in line our bucks will turn 241 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:04,920 Speaker 1: around because they're shocked to hear me standing behind them talking. 242 00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:08,319 Speaker 1: That's nice to them for people to recognize your voice, 243 00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:11,480 Speaker 1: isn't it. Yeah? Yeah, it is nice. I like it. 244 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:14,720 Speaker 1: It's you know, it's kind of nice to not be 245 00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:17,720 Speaker 1: recognized on site all the time because I'm not on 246 00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:20,640 Speaker 1: television a lot, but it's still nice. To know that 247 00:12:20,679 --> 00:12:22,680 Speaker 1: there are lots of people out there listening to my podcast, 248 00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:26,079 Speaker 1: or after all these years exactly exactly after seventeen years, 249 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:27,680 Speaker 1: I mean, you were like the one of the original 250 00:12:27,679 --> 00:12:30,880 Speaker 1: people to have a podcast. Yeah, and I've been doing 251 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:33,160 Speaker 1: the podcast several cost for seventeen years and writing my 252 00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:36,480 Speaker 1: dumb sex advice column savage Love that the podcast grew 253 00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:40,320 Speaker 1: out of for thirty years. Holy sh it. Really Yeah, 254 00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:43,520 Speaker 1: since I have been at this a while. Oh my god, 255 00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:45,559 Speaker 1: So what every week you have to turn something in 256 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:48,800 Speaker 1: on what day? What day is your delivery date? Friday? 257 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:51,640 Speaker 1: From the craziest part about writing a sex advice column 258 00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,559 Speaker 1: for so long as I am now giving sex advice 259 00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:55,760 Speaker 1: to the children of people I gave sex advice to 260 00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:59,559 Speaker 1: thirty years ago before their children were born. So adults 261 00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:02,360 Speaker 1: who did and exist whose parents I gave sex advice 262 00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:04,640 Speaker 1: to are now writing for sex advice And it kind 263 00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:07,320 Speaker 1: of blows my mind. That's funny. So how do you 264 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:11,280 Speaker 1: justify giving advice after all this time? Like, how do 265 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:15,120 Speaker 1: you keep your information flowing so that you know what's 266 00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:17,360 Speaker 1: going on in the world, and and and kind of 267 00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:20,120 Speaker 1: like what what information do you consume, whether it be 268 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:23,559 Speaker 1: books or you know media, like, how do you stay 269 00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:26,480 Speaker 1: fresh so that you are actually giving the most sound advice? 270 00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:29,920 Speaker 1: You know, to zoom out for a second. And this 271 00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:32,120 Speaker 1: is me to get a little airy fairy about my 272 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:35,160 Speaker 1: format and genre. The the advice column, the original one 273 00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:39,600 Speaker 1: in print was advice columns really pioneered what then blogs 274 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:43,040 Speaker 1: and the Internet made standard for writers in an advice column, 275 00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:44,719 Speaker 1: you know, going back a hundred years, going back to 276 00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:47,040 Speaker 1: a lander's column. For decades that I grew up reading, 277 00:13:47,559 --> 00:13:51,040 Speaker 1: readers wrote back, and the columnists would print letters from 278 00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:54,880 Speaker 1: people who disagreed with the columnists and engage in a debate. 279 00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:57,200 Speaker 1: That then didn't become kind of standard for journalists and 280 00:13:57,200 --> 00:14:00,480 Speaker 1: writers until the Internet came along. It used to be 281 00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:02,360 Speaker 1: if you were a writer in a newspaper, there might 282 00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:03,800 Speaker 1: be a letter to the editor about you, but you 283 00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:06,280 Speaker 1: didn't respond to it. You didn't engage with that critic. 284 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:09,320 Speaker 1: But in an advice column, you engage with your critics 285 00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:12,840 Speaker 1: all the time. And so the people I learned most 286 00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:14,400 Speaker 1: from the people who keep me up to date and 287 00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:16,920 Speaker 1: current are my readers and my listeners who are always 288 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,880 Speaker 1: getting in my face about whatever it is I may 289 00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:22,040 Speaker 1: have said about what they agreed with what they didn't 290 00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:24,840 Speaker 1: agree with, and there's always been this back and forth. 291 00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:26,760 Speaker 1: You know. When I started Savage Love, I called it 292 00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:29,560 Speaker 1: a conversation I'm having in a bar with my friends 293 00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:32,680 Speaker 1: about our sex lives when we're drunk. And originally the 294 00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:34,160 Speaker 1: column was a joke. You know. It was a gay 295 00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:37,440 Speaker 1: guy giving straight people sex advice thirty years ago. And 296 00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:39,200 Speaker 1: I was going to treat straight people at the same 297 00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:42,000 Speaker 1: contempt that straight advice calumnists like A Landers had always 298 00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:45,160 Speaker 1: treated gay people with. UH. And I was going to 299 00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:46,920 Speaker 1: do it for six months or a year. But then 300 00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:49,280 Speaker 1: straight people who had never been treated with that particular 301 00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:52,200 Speaker 1: kind of contempt before I really liked it. I thought 302 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:55,720 Speaker 1: it was really funny as opposed to really traumatizing UH, 303 00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:58,120 Speaker 1: and started sending me real questions. So it kind of 304 00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:01,160 Speaker 1: accidentally became a real advice column in a real advice podcast. 305 00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:04,600 Speaker 1: And how would you rate yourself in applying your own 306 00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:10,360 Speaker 1: advice to your own life? Well, you know, more than once, UH, 307 00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:15,200 Speaker 1: my husband has turned to me and quoted me back 308 00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:18,080 Speaker 1: to me when I haven't been living up to my 309 00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:22,360 Speaker 1: own standards around being honest or using my words, or 310 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:25,000 Speaker 1: being direct or being g g G or my most 311 00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:27,840 Speaker 1: I think one of the pieces of vice I'm proudest 312 00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:31,240 Speaker 1: to fuck first, which is, you know, before you go 313 00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:33,120 Speaker 1: out to dinner fun, don't wait till you get home 314 00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:35,520 Speaker 1: from dinner, because you're gonna be too fold to fuck. Originally, 315 00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:37,480 Speaker 1: this is advice I came up with for Valentine's Day 316 00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:40,000 Speaker 1: because on Debruary fifteenth, I would get all these letters 317 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:42,000 Speaker 1: fro people who didn't get funed on Valentine's Day. We 318 00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:44,320 Speaker 1: were worried about the date of their relationships, and I 319 00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:45,880 Speaker 1: would write them back and say, so, what happened on 320 00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:48,120 Speaker 1: Valentine's Day? And they went out to dinner and they 321 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:52,800 Speaker 1: had wine and Coco Van and chocolate mouse and more wine, 322 00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:54,800 Speaker 1: and no one wants to get fucked with a gut 323 00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:57,680 Speaker 1: full of Coco Van and chocolate mouse. Funk first, then 324 00:15:57,720 --> 00:15:59,840 Speaker 1: go to dinner. And so when I, you know, my 325 00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:01,920 Speaker 1: husband or my boyfriend's horny and they want to funk, 326 00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:03,480 Speaker 1: and I'm like, oh, let's do it later, they're like, 327 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:06,520 Speaker 1: fuck first, Who said them? Who said the first? You did? 328 00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:09,560 Speaker 1: Let's fun? Now? Well, the first of all, that's great advice. 329 00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:12,480 Speaker 1: Everyone should suck first anyway, even whether you're talking about 330 00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:14,640 Speaker 1: eating or not. I feel like getting fucking out of 331 00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:17,440 Speaker 1: the way right away with a new potential love interest 332 00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:20,360 Speaker 1: will save everybody a lot of time because you have 333 00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:22,360 Speaker 1: to find out what parts are working and what's gonna 334 00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:24,240 Speaker 1: because some people are into some kinky ship and some 335 00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:26,880 Speaker 1: people are not into some kinky ship. So it's good 336 00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:30,120 Speaker 1: to find out what is happening in that arena before 337 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:32,640 Speaker 1: you even go to dinner, because otherwise that's just a 338 00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:34,960 Speaker 1: waste of a meal. In my opinion, that's how gay 339 00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:37,560 Speaker 1: men do it. Yeah, well, maybe I am a gay man. 340 00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:39,960 Speaker 1: I I the other night, Joe, my boyfriend, and I 341 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:42,200 Speaker 1: were ordering room service and I knew. I said we 342 00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:45,520 Speaker 1: should suck first, because once we eat this, I'm not 343 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:48,400 Speaker 1: gonna want to suck. And I we had thirty minutes 344 00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:50,320 Speaker 1: before room service came, and I was like, let's get 345 00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:53,080 Speaker 1: this going. And I knew because I was like, we're 346 00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:55,360 Speaker 1: in a hotel room. It's going to happen at some point, 347 00:16:55,480 --> 00:16:57,520 Speaker 1: so let me get this out of the way. It 348 00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,560 Speaker 1: was more of a formality. I don't make it sound 349 00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:02,120 Speaker 1: very mantic because it quite frankly, it wasn't. I was 350 00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:04,480 Speaker 1: just making sure that I would be able to relax 351 00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:09,960 Speaker 1: after I my cheeseburger, which is really important. Also, you know, 352 00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:12,640 Speaker 1: primarily I give this advice to people about holy days 353 00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:14,720 Speaker 1: of fucking obligation, like a day when you gotta get 354 00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:16,960 Speaker 1: fucked or you're going to be sad or think something's 355 00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:21,400 Speaker 1: wrong your wedding day. First, don't wait till after the reception. 356 00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:23,520 Speaker 1: Stand at the altar with come writing down your legs. 357 00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:29,119 Speaker 1: That's how you do it. That's good advice too, because 358 00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:30,720 Speaker 1: who knows what kind of shape you're going to be 359 00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:33,160 Speaker 1: in at the end of your wedding. You're getting exhausted 360 00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:37,520 Speaker 1: and ship face probably most often, well not everybody, but 361 00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:39,560 Speaker 1: a lot of people do get shipped faced. And I 362 00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:41,960 Speaker 1: get those letters I didn't you know, we got married 363 00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:44,800 Speaker 1: and we didn't have sex on our wedding day, so sad, Well, yeah, 364 00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:47,120 Speaker 1: you should have had sex on your wedding day. That 365 00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:50,320 Speaker 1: morning before the wedding. Katherine, what's your view on being 366 00:17:50,359 --> 00:17:53,119 Speaker 1: too full to fuck? I totally agree. I mean you can. Actually, 367 00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:55,240 Speaker 1: while you were saying funk first, I was like looking 368 00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:57,760 Speaker 1: over here at my engineer who I am also married to, 369 00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:02,359 Speaker 1: and she's like, yeah, absolutely, you have to funk before 370 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:05,200 Speaker 1: you go to dinner. But to the wedding day. Think 371 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:08,000 Speaker 1: my brother and his wife fell asleep counting money on 372 00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:12,520 Speaker 1: their wedding day and never had sex. That's pretty hot there, 373 00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:15,080 Speaker 1: I know that. Great, that's like a good reason the 374 00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:21,200 Speaker 1: second best thing. Yes, but no, totally agree. First, Yeah, 375 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:22,840 Speaker 1: I feel like that's a good rule of thumb to 376 00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:24,879 Speaker 1: live by, especially if you're an adult. If you're a 377 00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:27,360 Speaker 1: young adult and you're experimenting with sex for the first time, 378 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,800 Speaker 1: don't listen to what I'm saying. But if you're over 379 00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:31,560 Speaker 1: thirty and you've had sex with a lot of people, 380 00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:33,199 Speaker 1: just I would say, just get it out of the 381 00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:36,280 Speaker 1: way as soon as possible, for more reasons than one. 382 00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:38,560 Speaker 1: And then you know, if you funk before you go 383 00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:40,440 Speaker 1: out and then you catch a group and you don't 384 00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:43,080 Speaker 1: want to suck again, yeah, hot, there you go, and 385 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:45,760 Speaker 1: then that's hot, and then you're over. Yes, then you're 386 00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:49,480 Speaker 1: over delivering and you don't feel this sense of tension 387 00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:51,240 Speaker 1: or you know, because oh my god, we have to 388 00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:53,439 Speaker 1: funk when we got home. You already sucked and so 389 00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:54,840 Speaker 1: you won't be tense about it. And then if you 390 00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:58,639 Speaker 1: want to funk when you get home, awesome. Let me 391 00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:00,919 Speaker 1: ask you another question. Do you feel like since you 392 00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:03,920 Speaker 1: are such a good advice giver and you're known for that, well, 393 00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:07,920 Speaker 1: it's your career. Do you feel like when you take 394 00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:11,880 Speaker 1: you your personal life into account that it matches and 395 00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:15,199 Speaker 1: is commensurate to the advice that you dole out like 396 00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:18,720 Speaker 1: you have imposter syndrome? Absolutely, Advice is easy to give 397 00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:21,560 Speaker 1: and hard to follow. I get in trouble sometimes because 398 00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:23,560 Speaker 1: I'm slow to tell people to break up or get 399 00:19:23,560 --> 00:19:26,240 Speaker 1: a divorce that I'm happy to get under the hood 400 00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:28,919 Speaker 1: and tinker. And I think you've been with my husband 401 00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:32,280 Speaker 1: for thirty years as well, and I think that being 402 00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:35,440 Speaker 1: in such a long, long, long as term relationship, there 403 00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:39,399 Speaker 1: definitely been times when I thought I should leave, we 404 00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:42,320 Speaker 1: should get a divorce, and then I didn't, in part 405 00:19:42,359 --> 00:19:45,639 Speaker 1: because it's such a hassle to break up, to separate everything, 406 00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:48,240 Speaker 1: to get a divorce, and so I hesitated. And then 407 00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:49,480 Speaker 1: you know, when we got to the other side of 408 00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:51,680 Speaker 1: the crisis and we figured it out or worked it out, 409 00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:54,600 Speaker 1: I was glad that we hadn't. But there's definitely been 410 00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:56,440 Speaker 1: a few times in my relationship where I was like 411 00:19:56,720 --> 00:20:00,080 Speaker 1: Dan Savage would tell you, dance Savage right now, to 412 00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:02,680 Speaker 1: get a divorce, and I know, because I sometimes find 413 00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:05,239 Speaker 1: myself going like, oh wait, I wouldn't agree with this 414 00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:07,240 Speaker 1: at all, with the way I'm behaving right now, I 415 00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:10,560 Speaker 1: would advise somebody against that. Oh yeah, in all fairness 416 00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:12,120 Speaker 1: to my husband, there have been times when I thought 417 00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:15,680 Speaker 1: Dan Savage would definitely tell your husband right now, Dan Savage, 418 00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:19,120 Speaker 1: to get divorce. You are asked too, so and what 419 00:20:19,119 --> 00:20:20,800 Speaker 1: books do you have you read that you would like 420 00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:22,800 Speaker 1: to share that have had the most impact on you, 421 00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:26,399 Speaker 1: advice or self help or you know whatever in that 422 00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:31,399 Speaker 1: arena genre. I really think um Aster Parrel's books Mating 423 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:36,520 Speaker 1: in Captivity and State of Affairs, a book about sex 424 00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:39,800 Speaker 1: in a long term relationship, Desire and a long Term Relationship. 425 00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:42,159 Speaker 1: Those are the best two books I think anybody can 426 00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:45,520 Speaker 1: read about sex and relationships. She's a couple's counselor ted talker. 427 00:20:46,119 --> 00:20:50,280 Speaker 1: She podcast to herself. Absolutely genius Aster Parrel. You know, 428 00:20:50,359 --> 00:20:54,200 Speaker 1: one of her observations is that two desires to want 429 00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:56,879 Speaker 1: and the paradox of a long term relationship is how 430 00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:59,199 Speaker 1: do you want what you have which you already have? 431 00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:02,160 Speaker 1: And if you want to try to figure that out? 432 00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:06,560 Speaker 1: If you're an exclusive, committed, monogamous, long term relationship, a 433 00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:09,119 Speaker 1: star parrel is really the best place to go, you know. 434 00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:10,960 Speaker 1: You raise something like I'm coming up. I think we're 435 00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:13,399 Speaker 1: almost at our one year anniversary, my boyfriend and I 436 00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:15,960 Speaker 1: and and it's interesting because it's like every time you 437 00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:18,560 Speaker 1: start a relationship, it's like youth. It's like the saying 438 00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:21,879 Speaker 1: youth is wasted on the young. Right you start a relationship, 439 00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:23,879 Speaker 1: you really just don't believe it's going to happen to you, 440 00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:28,239 Speaker 1: like that that feeling and those endorphins and all of 441 00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:32,080 Speaker 1: the stuff that comes with wanting to someone, wanting somebody 442 00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:35,080 Speaker 1: and wanting them badly. All the time, you just fantasize 443 00:21:35,119 --> 00:21:38,639 Speaker 1: about fucking fuck dinner. Nobody even wants dinner at that point. 444 00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:40,560 Speaker 1: You know, it's like the first two months where you're like, 445 00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:43,120 Speaker 1: you lose ten pounds because you're so excited about who 446 00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:45,679 Speaker 1: you're having sex with and having sex with them, and 447 00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:48,199 Speaker 1: then real life starts to settle in, and then you 448 00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:51,560 Speaker 1: gain that weight back, and then you get used to 449 00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:53,879 Speaker 1: having that person in your life and you acclimate to 450 00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:56,800 Speaker 1: all of those things, and everything everyone tells you becomes true. 451 00:21:57,240 --> 00:22:01,000 Speaker 1: You know, you don't have that ripping, roaring, raging desire 452 00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:05,119 Speaker 1: anymore because you've become a union with this person, like 453 00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:09,160 Speaker 1: you're a team, and the newness is gone. And it's 454 00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:11,879 Speaker 1: funny that it doesn't matter how old you get. You 455 00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:14,280 Speaker 1: don't believe that's going to happen to you, and it 456 00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:18,960 Speaker 1: happens every time, and good advice should be realistic about that. 457 00:22:19,119 --> 00:22:21,120 Speaker 1: Like a lot of people live around thinking there's something 458 00:22:21,119 --> 00:22:23,879 Speaker 1: wrong with them, something wrong with the relationship, something they 459 00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:27,360 Speaker 1: should do or say to get back to that, you know, infatuated. 460 00:22:27,359 --> 00:22:29,359 Speaker 1: I want to drink all your spit feeling of the 461 00:22:29,359 --> 00:22:33,359 Speaker 1: first few months, and that's never coming back. And you 462 00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:36,520 Speaker 1: have to figure out what in the long term relationship compensates, 463 00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:40,280 Speaker 1: what's different and also interesting or valuable about that long 464 00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:42,560 Speaker 1: term relationship, about the sex and the intimacy and the 465 00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:47,119 Speaker 1: long term relationship, and it's gonna be different. But the 466 00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:54,760 Speaker 1: whole relationship advice industrial complex is selling often delusions and 467 00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:57,199 Speaker 1: convincing people that you know, if you just buy this 468 00:22:57,280 --> 00:23:00,359 Speaker 1: book or listen to this show, you can fix it. 469 00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:02,200 Speaker 1: You can adjust all the dials and then you'll be 470 00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:04,000 Speaker 1: sucking each other like you were sucking each other in 471 00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:08,320 Speaker 1: the first month. And that's just a lie. So Dan, 472 00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:12,240 Speaker 1: you really coined the phrase monogamish, right, and you and 473 00:23:12,280 --> 00:23:14,919 Speaker 1: your husband have been open for quite some time. Is 474 00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:18,080 Speaker 1: that something you feel has increased your attraction level to 475 00:23:18,119 --> 00:23:21,199 Speaker 1: your husband? Oh? Absolutely, and it's also something you know. 476 00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:23,480 Speaker 1: Esther Perel said that even if you're not going to 477 00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:25,960 Speaker 1: fund other people, sometimes it will reignite your desire if 478 00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:28,919 Speaker 1: your partner, if you see your partner through someone else's eyes, Like, 479 00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:31,080 Speaker 1: go somewhere where somebody might flirt with your partner, and 480 00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:34,399 Speaker 1: you'll suddenly realize how attractive your partner is again, and 481 00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:38,560 Speaker 1: your partner will also feel affirmed and desirable, and that's important. 482 00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:41,119 Speaker 1: And gay men are really good at this because you know, 483 00:23:41,119 --> 00:23:43,720 Speaker 1: most gay relationships aren't monogamous, and gay men also go 484 00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:46,600 Speaker 1: to places where like men are. It's not that men 485 00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:49,120 Speaker 1: gay men behave this way because they're gay men. Gay 486 00:23:49,119 --> 00:23:51,600 Speaker 1: men behave this way because they're men and are just 487 00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:55,280 Speaker 1: like dogs. And to like go to a gay bar 488 00:23:55,440 --> 00:23:57,479 Speaker 1: with kind of a sexually heightened a lot of erotic 489 00:23:57,520 --> 00:24:00,439 Speaker 1: tension and see people who want to funk your husband 490 00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:02,640 Speaker 1: reminds you that you want to suck your husband too, 491 00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:05,280 Speaker 1: and you wanted to suck your husband first, And then 492 00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:07,600 Speaker 1: you'll go home and suck your husband. I was funny 493 00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:09,199 Speaker 1: you say that. I was having a conversation with my 494 00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:11,320 Speaker 1: trainer Ben Bruno the other day and he because he's 495 00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:14,160 Speaker 1: as straight as an arrow, and he was talking about 496 00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:16,600 Speaker 1: that show The Staircase. Have you watched that, Dan, I 497 00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:20,399 Speaker 1: haven't yet, but I read the article is based on Okay, 498 00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:23,000 Speaker 1: so the televised version like that they turned into a 499 00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:26,240 Speaker 1: series with Tony Collette and Colin Firth. There's a scene 500 00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:30,040 Speaker 1: where he goes to this pornographic store. Pornography store, I'm 501 00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:32,280 Speaker 1: not I guess magazines, yeah, because it takes place like 502 00:24:32,320 --> 00:24:35,000 Speaker 1: in the eighties, so he's like looking at a dirty magazine. 503 00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:38,399 Speaker 1: He and this other guy he's he's supposedly a straight, 504 00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:41,240 Speaker 1: you know, married man, but he's clear he's sucking men 505 00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:43,960 Speaker 1: on the side. He goes to this pornography store. There's 506 00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:48,520 Speaker 1: another guy. They make eye contact once, then they meet 507 00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:51,360 Speaker 1: in a back room and don't even speak. Like one 508 00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:54,119 Speaker 1: of them is has his back facing the opening of 509 00:24:54,119 --> 00:24:56,080 Speaker 1: this area and the guy comes in and they just 510 00:24:56,119 --> 00:24:59,080 Speaker 1: start fucking. And my trainer Ben Bruno goes, I mean 511 00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:02,439 Speaker 1: when that's so unrealistic. He goes that two men just 512 00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:05,280 Speaker 1: start fucking. I go think about what you're saying. Men 513 00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:08,880 Speaker 1: are men, will fuck anything, and if you get two 514 00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:12,119 Speaker 1: of them together, they're not going to fucking talk. The 515 00:25:12,119 --> 00:25:15,919 Speaker 1: only reason anyone's talking is there because there's a woman involved, right, 516 00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:19,040 Speaker 1: Straight men would do everything gay men do if straight 517 00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:21,639 Speaker 1: men could, but straight men can't because women won't. And 518 00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:24,040 Speaker 1: why won't women. It's not that there aren't horny women 519 00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:25,840 Speaker 1: out there who might be up for casual or even 520 00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:29,720 Speaker 1: anonymous sex, but slut shaming and sexual violence and the 521 00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:32,720 Speaker 1: risk of pregnancy and disease all followed disproportionately out to 522 00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:36,480 Speaker 1: women's shoulders, which ups the opportunity cost for women of 523 00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:40,720 Speaker 1: being sexually impulsive. Well, those things aren't necessarily a problem 524 00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:42,800 Speaker 1: when two men are going to get together. And I 525 00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:45,119 Speaker 1: always like blows my mind when a straight guys like 526 00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:48,639 Speaker 1: you gay men and your bushes and bathhouses so disgusting 527 00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:50,280 Speaker 1: and now I would look at them and say, if 528 00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:53,199 Speaker 1: I told you there was a building full of women 529 00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:56,960 Speaker 1: I wanted to get fucked right now. Don't know your 530 00:25:57,080 --> 00:26:00,200 Speaker 1: name or your phone number ever see you again. You're 531 00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:03,320 Speaker 1: telling me that straight men wouldn't go there, that straight 532 00:26:03,320 --> 00:26:05,560 Speaker 1: men wouldn't be lined up around the block to get 533 00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:08,800 Speaker 1: into that building. All the bathhouse a gay bath houses 534 00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:12,159 Speaker 1: is a whore house staff by volunteers, and there's no 535 00:26:12,320 --> 00:26:15,960 Speaker 1: parallel in straight land. But if there were, straight guys 536 00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:21,120 Speaker 1: would go. Yeah. Absolutely, they're jealous. They're so jealous. They're 537 00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:24,320 Speaker 1: so jealous of gay men's lifestyles because yeah, and then 538 00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:26,520 Speaker 1: it's it's optional for gay men, like we shouldn't say, 539 00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:27,879 Speaker 1: like all gay men go to I don't go to 540 00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:30,639 Speaker 1: bath houses. I have to know somebody's name. I'm very 541 00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:33,320 Speaker 1: much my lesbian friends call me a lesbian, like I 542 00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:35,560 Speaker 1: kind of have to know somebody a little bit before 543 00:26:35,600 --> 00:26:37,880 Speaker 1: I couldn't, and then I couldn't. Like when I first 544 00:26:37,920 --> 00:26:39,399 Speaker 1: came out and as gay as eighteen years old, my 545 00:26:39,440 --> 00:26:42,160 Speaker 1: friends took me to like those dirty bookstores where people 546 00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:44,280 Speaker 1: had sex in the back, and I was just like, 547 00:26:44,760 --> 00:26:46,520 Speaker 1: it's dark in there, Like what if one of my 548 00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:49,080 Speaker 1: uncles comes in here. I don't want to accidentally blow 549 00:26:49,240 --> 00:26:52,320 Speaker 1: one of my uncles who could be closeted and gay 550 00:26:52,359 --> 00:26:54,879 Speaker 1: for all. I don't. So I was very squeamish and 551 00:26:54,960 --> 00:26:59,879 Speaker 1: thank god, thank god, because because I came out at night, 552 00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:03,360 Speaker 1: and so if I'd been like I'd probably be dead. 553 00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:06,399 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, good point. Okay, there you go. Okay, Well 554 00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:09,040 Speaker 1: on that note, Catherine, what do we have in store 555 00:27:09,080 --> 00:27:12,879 Speaker 1: for us today? Oh? So many sex questions. We have perfects, 556 00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:15,440 Speaker 1: perfect We have to put you to good use today. Okay, 557 00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:18,119 Speaker 1: so forgive us in advance. Yeah, people are having a 558 00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:20,480 Speaker 1: lot of sex, people are having not enough sex and 559 00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:23,200 Speaker 1: everything in between. But we'll take a quick break and 560 00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:26,119 Speaker 1: we'll be back with Dan Savage and Chelsea. Okay, Dan 561 00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:27,280 Speaker 1: and I are just going to head over to a 562 00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:34,240 Speaker 1: bath thousand. We'll be right back, and we are back. 563 00:27:34,680 --> 00:27:38,600 Speaker 1: That was satisfying. It was I really enjoyed talk and 564 00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:43,160 Speaker 1: I enjoyed watching. Oh you're welcome, Catherine. I like being observed. 565 00:27:43,840 --> 00:27:48,520 Speaker 1: Our first question comes from a a as a woman. 566 00:27:49,400 --> 00:27:51,720 Speaker 1: Dear Chelsea, I don't know how to say this, so 567 00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:54,399 Speaker 1: I'm coming straight out with it. My husband and I 568 00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:57,439 Speaker 1: just webb three months ago and we're not having sex. 569 00:27:57,800 --> 00:27:59,879 Speaker 1: It's been about a month and we've had sex one 570 00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:01,960 Speaker 1: which felt like he was doing it out of pity 571 00:28:02,040 --> 00:28:04,879 Speaker 1: for me. He says it's because of arguments we've been 572 00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:08,440 Speaker 1: having and that things will get better. But I have concerns. Firstly, 573 00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:11,359 Speaker 1: I'm worried that this will continue for our prolonged period. 574 00:28:11,680 --> 00:28:13,920 Speaker 1: It seems like every couple I know that isn't having 575 00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:17,399 Speaker 1: sex started their dry spell this way. I'm also worried 576 00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:20,040 Speaker 1: that he just isn't attracted to me anymore. There have 577 00:28:20,119 --> 00:28:21,840 Speaker 1: been a couple of times I've noticed him looking at 578 00:28:21,880 --> 00:28:24,200 Speaker 1: other women lately. I trust him and I don't think 579 00:28:24,240 --> 00:28:26,639 Speaker 1: he would cheat, but it's hurtful to see when I 580 00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:29,240 Speaker 1: know we're obviously lack in chemistry at the moment. We 581 00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:31,240 Speaker 1: used to be all over each other, and now he 582 00:28:31,280 --> 00:28:33,440 Speaker 1: won't even kiss me. It's really hard for me not 583 00:28:33,560 --> 00:28:35,680 Speaker 1: to take it personally, and at this point, I feel 584 00:28:35,680 --> 00:28:37,760 Speaker 1: like I'm desperately vying for my husband to have sex 585 00:28:37,840 --> 00:28:40,680 Speaker 1: with me. It makes me feel pathetic. We've talked about 586 00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:42,960 Speaker 1: it at nauseum, and it seems to make things worse 587 00:28:43,120 --> 00:28:45,760 Speaker 1: and more awkward. My question is how do we get 588 00:28:45,800 --> 00:28:48,560 Speaker 1: over this hump. I don't want to pressure myself or him, 589 00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:50,040 Speaker 1: but I feel like we just have to do it 590 00:28:50,120 --> 00:28:52,960 Speaker 1: before things continue on this dry path. Thanks so much 591 00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:55,320 Speaker 1: for reading. I love your podcast. You give the best advice, 592 00:28:55,400 --> 00:28:56,880 Speaker 1: and if there's someone that can help me, I know 593 00:28:57,000 --> 00:29:00,280 Speaker 1: it's you. Sincerely A Okay, well, Dan, I'm to let 594 00:29:00,320 --> 00:29:02,040 Speaker 1: you take this from the top, since this is in 595 00:29:02,120 --> 00:29:07,400 Speaker 1: your wheelhouse M D M A. And the weekend of 596 00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:11,360 Speaker 1: the cabin might help, you know, I think it's actually 597 00:29:12,840 --> 00:29:14,520 Speaker 1: I think it's giving it that the sex drive up 598 00:29:14,640 --> 00:29:18,240 Speaker 1: so soon after getting married, and a lot of straight 599 00:29:18,280 --> 00:29:21,000 Speaker 1: people have it in their heads, consciously or subconsciously that 600 00:29:21,080 --> 00:29:24,720 Speaker 1: marriage means the end of fun, adventure, possibility, and that 601 00:29:24,840 --> 00:29:28,600 Speaker 1: can really smother desire. You know, you see straight people 602 00:29:28,640 --> 00:29:30,000 Speaker 1: doing this thing. We're like, we're gonna have a bachelor 603 00:29:30,440 --> 00:29:33,280 Speaker 1: party or a bachelor party, and what's being what the 604 00:29:33,360 --> 00:29:36,520 Speaker 1: implicit statement of a bachelor or bachelor party is after 605 00:29:36,640 --> 00:29:39,160 Speaker 1: you're married, no more fun. This is your last chance 606 00:29:39,240 --> 00:29:42,160 Speaker 1: to have fun. And so maybe the husband, you know, 607 00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:46,240 Speaker 1: thinks that because they're married now, the fun has to 608 00:29:46,360 --> 00:29:48,880 Speaker 1: stop or the fund has stopped, and it's you know, 609 00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:51,840 Speaker 1: marriage for some people comes with a lot of dear 610 00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:55,360 Speaker 1: oticizing baggage. You know, he now looks at you, is 611 00:29:55,440 --> 00:29:57,920 Speaker 1: not his hot girlfriend that he's tucking, but his wife. 612 00:29:58,600 --> 00:30:00,880 Speaker 1: And so I think maybe in couples counseling you could 613 00:30:00,920 --> 00:30:05,240 Speaker 1: dig down there. But I gotta say, if at three 614 00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:07,120 Speaker 1: months you're not fucking and you're having to get into 615 00:30:07,160 --> 00:30:09,680 Speaker 1: couple's counseling about not fucking. I don't have a lot 616 00:30:09,760 --> 00:30:13,880 Speaker 1: of hope for your marriage that this isn't a problem 617 00:30:14,200 --> 00:30:16,080 Speaker 1: that you should be facing three months in. If he 618 00:30:16,120 --> 00:30:18,360 Speaker 1: has some sort of Madonna horror complex where he could 619 00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:21,520 Speaker 1: suck his girlfriend but not his wife, that's work that 620 00:30:21,640 --> 00:30:24,120 Speaker 1: he needed to do before he got married, when he 621 00:30:24,240 --> 00:30:28,760 Speaker 1: was single on his own. Trying to do that work 622 00:30:28,880 --> 00:30:32,840 Speaker 1: now with you there tapping your foot impatiently waiting for dick, 623 00:30:33,120 --> 00:30:35,480 Speaker 1: I don't know if he's gonna be able to do it. Yeah. 624 00:30:35,520 --> 00:30:38,120 Speaker 1: I would also like to say that that may be true, 625 00:30:38,320 --> 00:30:41,040 Speaker 1: like that is a that is a concerning sign. But 626 00:30:41,280 --> 00:30:43,400 Speaker 1: you did mention that you've been arguing a lot, and 627 00:30:43,520 --> 00:30:45,960 Speaker 1: I know when I'm arguing, I don't want to have 628 00:30:46,040 --> 00:30:47,960 Speaker 1: sex with the person that i'm arguing with, Like that 629 00:30:48,160 --> 00:30:50,080 Speaker 1: is not a turn on. And if you're belaboring the 630 00:30:50,160 --> 00:30:52,920 Speaker 1: point about not having sex, that also is now to 631 00:30:52,960 --> 00:30:57,040 Speaker 1: turn on. So instead of overly overly discussing something like 632 00:30:57,200 --> 00:31:00,160 Speaker 1: ad nauseum, as you mentioned, I would say to really 633 00:31:00,200 --> 00:31:02,320 Speaker 1: put a pin in the subject of sex and let 634 00:31:02,400 --> 00:31:05,440 Speaker 1: things happen in a natural way and give it a minute. 635 00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:07,960 Speaker 1: Give it a minute so that you can actually naturally 636 00:31:08,040 --> 00:31:10,680 Speaker 1: come to each other, you know, after a fun night 637 00:31:10,760 --> 00:31:13,280 Speaker 1: out or I don't know what you prefer, like if 638 00:31:13,280 --> 00:31:16,200 Speaker 1: you guys are mourning people or night people. Just let 639 00:31:16,320 --> 00:31:19,760 Speaker 1: some time pass where you're not rehashing the fact that 640 00:31:19,840 --> 00:31:22,080 Speaker 1: you're not having sex, so that there can be a 641 00:31:22,200 --> 00:31:25,320 Speaker 1: natural coming together. Because if you guys already were all 642 00:31:25,360 --> 00:31:27,600 Speaker 1: over each other at some point, then that's a pretty 643 00:31:27,640 --> 00:31:29,880 Speaker 1: good indication that you have that chemistry and you can 644 00:31:29,920 --> 00:31:32,920 Speaker 1: get back there. But there was also something I mean, 645 00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:35,200 Speaker 1: him checking out other women and you noticing that, Like 646 00:31:35,960 --> 00:31:38,800 Speaker 1: I can understand that you're feeling slightly paranoid, and that's 647 00:31:38,840 --> 00:31:40,880 Speaker 1: coming across in your letter, and there's an air of 648 00:31:40,960 --> 00:31:43,560 Speaker 1: desperation in your letter, which is fine because you're being 649 00:31:43,600 --> 00:31:45,480 Speaker 1: honest and it's important for you to be honest with 650 00:31:45,560 --> 00:31:49,680 Speaker 1: your feelings. But I would really really implore that you 651 00:31:49,880 --> 00:31:53,960 Speaker 1: have to take a step back and not make it 652 00:31:54,040 --> 00:31:57,680 Speaker 1: a mandate, you know, let it. Let let the conversations 653 00:31:57,720 --> 00:31:59,720 Speaker 1: aren't working in the way that you're hoping they will. 654 00:32:00,320 --> 00:32:02,320 Speaker 1: It's been this amount of time and you guys aren't 655 00:32:02,360 --> 00:32:05,120 Speaker 1: being sexually active, so what you're doing, your approach isn't 656 00:32:05,160 --> 00:32:07,720 Speaker 1: working right now. So you should do the opposite, you know, 657 00:32:07,880 --> 00:32:09,760 Speaker 1: and take a couple of steps back, like I said, 658 00:32:10,200 --> 00:32:14,040 Speaker 1: and wait until there's an opportune moment that makes sense. 659 00:32:14,600 --> 00:32:17,600 Speaker 1: That isn't you like saying, hey, I want to seduce you. 660 00:32:17,600 --> 00:32:21,200 Speaker 1: You know, in this way, it's just like a coming together, 661 00:32:21,680 --> 00:32:24,240 Speaker 1: and there can be physical touching in between that time, 662 00:32:24,360 --> 00:32:27,520 Speaker 1: you know, like hand holding and stuff like that does 663 00:32:27,640 --> 00:32:30,320 Speaker 1: have an impact on people and their closeness. You know, 664 00:32:30,440 --> 00:32:32,720 Speaker 1: some people aren't touchy feeling and some people aren't, So 665 00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:35,080 Speaker 1: you know that better than than I would about you 666 00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:37,920 Speaker 1: and your partner. But like, let those things develop and 667 00:32:38,040 --> 00:32:41,040 Speaker 1: don't put so much pressure on the situation because as 668 00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:45,440 Speaker 1: soon as you over lead, discuss and argue about a 669 00:32:45,520 --> 00:32:50,080 Speaker 1: subject like that, it's very hard for somebody who doesn't 670 00:32:50,120 --> 00:32:53,400 Speaker 1: have a reasonable explanation as to what they're feeling to perform. 671 00:32:53,840 --> 00:32:56,280 Speaker 1: There's clearly something going on with him. I think it's 672 00:32:56,320 --> 00:32:58,080 Speaker 1: great advice to put a pin in it the argument 673 00:32:58,120 --> 00:33:00,320 Speaker 1: about sex. I would also encourage you to think about 674 00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:02,520 Speaker 1: the rest of the ship that you're arguing about right now. 675 00:33:03,120 --> 00:33:05,880 Speaker 1: There's arguments that have been going on prior to the sex. 676 00:33:06,480 --> 00:33:08,680 Speaker 1: One of the ideas I tossed around on my show 677 00:33:08,720 --> 00:33:11,320 Speaker 1: A lot is the price of admission that there are 678 00:33:11,400 --> 00:33:13,040 Speaker 1: certain prices of admission that you pay to be in 679 00:33:13,080 --> 00:33:16,360 Speaker 1: a relationship with someone. Not everything can be resolved. There 680 00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:19,760 Speaker 1: are certain conflicts you have to agree that you're going 681 00:33:19,800 --> 00:33:23,400 Speaker 1: to step around. And often, you know, when people marry, 682 00:33:23,680 --> 00:33:25,680 Speaker 1: not just the husband having some weird idea that marriage 683 00:33:25,680 --> 00:33:27,959 Speaker 1: at the end of fun. People marry and then think, well, 684 00:33:28,040 --> 00:33:30,000 Speaker 1: now I have to iron out all we have to 685 00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:33,080 Speaker 1: like fight out everything that we are in conflict about, 686 00:33:33,480 --> 00:33:37,200 Speaker 1: come to a resolution, solve these problems. And the real 687 00:33:37,280 --> 00:33:40,480 Speaker 1: trick of any long term relationship is identifying the problems 688 00:33:40,560 --> 00:33:45,080 Speaker 1: you can't solve and to stop trying to stop and 689 00:33:45,200 --> 00:33:47,400 Speaker 1: you know, creating conflict about things that no amount of 690 00:33:47,480 --> 00:33:50,520 Speaker 1: conflict is going to resolve and step around those things. 691 00:33:50,560 --> 00:33:52,960 Speaker 1: I don't think anyone should put up with emotional abuse, 692 00:33:53,120 --> 00:33:56,120 Speaker 1: physical abuse, neglect, to which itself is can be a 693 00:33:56,200 --> 00:33:59,480 Speaker 1: kind of abuse. But you know, if you're fighting because 694 00:33:59,520 --> 00:34:02,920 Speaker 1: his socks on the floor, you're fighting because she doesn't 695 00:34:02,960 --> 00:34:05,120 Speaker 1: load the dishwasher the way you think it should be loaded, 696 00:34:06,000 --> 00:34:09,160 Speaker 1: you cannot have those fights. You can just reload the dishwasher. 697 00:34:09,640 --> 00:34:11,319 Speaker 1: You can be the one who picks the laundry up 698 00:34:11,320 --> 00:34:13,960 Speaker 1: off the floor and then look around and see, you know, 699 00:34:14,040 --> 00:34:15,600 Speaker 1: the things he might be doing or she might be 700 00:34:15,680 --> 00:34:18,920 Speaker 1: doing that they're putting up with your bullshit. And so 701 00:34:19,120 --> 00:34:21,680 Speaker 1: much to the conflict I see in LTRs, among my friends, 702 00:34:21,719 --> 00:34:25,200 Speaker 1: among my listeners and callers is people having fights about 703 00:34:25,239 --> 00:34:28,080 Speaker 1: things they could just go. You know what, it doesn't matter. 704 00:34:28,200 --> 00:34:29,799 Speaker 1: This is a price of admission. I'm willing to pay 705 00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:31,759 Speaker 1: to be in this relationship, and I'm not going to 706 00:34:31,840 --> 00:34:34,960 Speaker 1: complain about it anymore or try to run it to 707 00:34:35,040 --> 00:34:38,080 Speaker 1: ground anymore. You know, my husband is kind of a slab, 708 00:34:38,200 --> 00:34:39,520 Speaker 1: and we used to fight about that, and then one 709 00:34:39,560 --> 00:34:41,080 Speaker 1: day I just started picking up after him and it 710 00:34:41,120 --> 00:34:43,239 Speaker 1: was like, you know what, this picking up after him 711 00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:46,440 Speaker 1: is a lot easier than arguing about and picking up 712 00:34:46,480 --> 00:34:49,560 Speaker 1: after himself. Yeah, and it just remember, like, it's not 713 00:34:49,680 --> 00:34:51,040 Speaker 1: a turn on to fight. I know a lot of 714 00:34:51,080 --> 00:34:53,000 Speaker 1: people think that they get in fight and makeup. Sex 715 00:34:53,160 --> 00:34:56,560 Speaker 1: is great, but that's like a temporary thing. Also, if 716 00:34:56,600 --> 00:35:01,120 Speaker 1: you're in a constant state of arguing, it's unlikely that 717 00:35:01,239 --> 00:35:04,200 Speaker 1: you're gonna want to have sex with each other. So yeah, 718 00:35:04,719 --> 00:35:07,680 Speaker 1: where are those people who mistake conflict for passion exactly. 719 00:35:08,040 --> 00:35:10,880 Speaker 1: So yeah, so take this advice, put a pit in it, 720 00:35:11,719 --> 00:35:15,279 Speaker 1: and if the situation continues in six months, then yeah, 721 00:35:15,400 --> 00:35:16,840 Speaker 1: you do have an issue, and you do need to 722 00:35:16,880 --> 00:35:18,920 Speaker 1: go to counseling. But I would say right now to 723 00:35:18,960 --> 00:35:20,960 Speaker 1: take the pressure off yourself and take the pressure off 724 00:35:21,000 --> 00:35:23,160 Speaker 1: of him, and try to and just enjoy each other 725 00:35:23,400 --> 00:35:27,680 Speaker 1: right now, and hopefully naturally this thing your sexual life 726 00:35:27,719 --> 00:35:30,120 Speaker 1: will come back. Can I give one more piece of advice. 727 00:35:31,200 --> 00:35:32,600 Speaker 1: We don't know how long they were dating before they 728 00:35:32,680 --> 00:35:34,680 Speaker 1: got married, so it may just be a coincidence that 729 00:35:34,719 --> 00:35:36,320 Speaker 1: they got married and then it fell apart. Maybe it 730 00:35:36,360 --> 00:35:39,319 Speaker 1: was starting to fall apart sexually. When you think about 731 00:35:39,360 --> 00:35:41,960 Speaker 1: the sex you had early in a relationship, it was risky, 732 00:35:42,640 --> 00:35:44,959 Speaker 1: like your adrenaline was pumping. You're getting naked with somebody 733 00:35:45,080 --> 00:35:48,000 Speaker 1: that you barely knew. They could be an ax murderer, 734 00:35:48,040 --> 00:35:50,480 Speaker 1: you could be crazy, like it felt. Sex at the 735 00:35:50,560 --> 00:35:54,680 Speaker 1: start is risky and dangerous, and risk is arousing sex, 736 00:35:54,719 --> 00:35:58,360 Speaker 1: and an LTR the risk goes away, and so sometimes 737 00:35:58,400 --> 00:36:03,880 Speaker 1: people mistake the LTR and they think something's missing in 738 00:36:03,960 --> 00:36:05,839 Speaker 1: the partnership, and no, you're the same people you were. 739 00:36:05,880 --> 00:36:08,560 Speaker 1: It's just like there's no danger anymore, and what you 740 00:36:08,600 --> 00:36:10,640 Speaker 1: miss is the danger. And so you know, at the 741 00:36:10,719 --> 00:36:13,640 Speaker 1: beginning of a new sexual relationship, you're the adventure. There on, 742 00:36:14,360 --> 00:36:17,200 Speaker 1: they're the adventure you're on when you're together ten years 743 00:36:17,320 --> 00:36:20,360 Speaker 1: and you want to feel that again, that kind of risk, danger, adrenaline, 744 00:36:20,400 --> 00:36:23,600 Speaker 1: those adventurous feelings. You've got to go on an adventure together. 745 00:36:23,840 --> 00:36:27,279 Speaker 1: You've got an engineer risk into your sexual relationship that 746 00:36:27,400 --> 00:36:29,720 Speaker 1: at the beginning of your sexual relationship was just present, 747 00:36:30,280 --> 00:36:33,759 Speaker 1: without any effort, without any intentionality, and so like, you've 748 00:36:33,760 --> 00:36:36,440 Speaker 1: been together ten years and it's not exciting now like 749 00:36:36,520 --> 00:36:38,719 Speaker 1: it was at the beginning. Of course, it's not Go 750 00:36:38,880 --> 00:36:41,479 Speaker 1: have sex in public, Go have sex in a sex club, 751 00:36:41,760 --> 00:36:44,640 Speaker 1: Get out of your bedroom, get off the bed. But 752 00:36:44,719 --> 00:36:47,560 Speaker 1: a different time, go to a bathhouse, get a cabin 753 00:36:47,640 --> 00:36:49,960 Speaker 1: in the woods for the weekend and go funk and 754 00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:51,520 Speaker 1: then take some M d m A and you'll remember 755 00:36:51,520 --> 00:36:54,920 Speaker 1: why you loved each other. You should read Love Drugs 756 00:36:54,960 --> 00:36:57,840 Speaker 1: by Brian Er, which is the science behind go to 757 00:36:57,920 --> 00:36:59,920 Speaker 1: the cabin for the weekend with your LTR partner into 758 00:37:00,040 --> 00:37:02,000 Speaker 1: some m d m A. What is LTR stand for? 759 00:37:02,200 --> 00:37:05,520 Speaker 1: Forgive me for asking Dan? But long term relationship? Okay? 760 00:37:05,600 --> 00:37:07,800 Speaker 1: Good to know. I was like, is that latent? I'm like, 761 00:37:07,960 --> 00:37:11,400 Speaker 1: what trying to hear out initials there. We can't prescribe 762 00:37:11,440 --> 00:37:13,480 Speaker 1: molly to people or m d m A because we're 763 00:37:13,480 --> 00:37:16,239 Speaker 1: not medical practitioners, but you certainly are free to do 764 00:37:16,360 --> 00:37:20,600 Speaker 1: whatever drugs you think you want to do. So you 765 00:37:20,760 --> 00:37:24,239 Speaker 1: heard that here first, and keep us keep us posted, please, 766 00:37:24,320 --> 00:37:27,640 Speaker 1: we want to know what happens. Yes, thanks a well. 767 00:37:27,680 --> 00:37:30,560 Speaker 1: Our next question comes from a Saila. She's here on 768 00:37:30,680 --> 00:37:33,880 Speaker 1: the phone. She says, Dear Chelsea, I'm a thirty five 769 00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:37,399 Speaker 1: year old Mexican immigrant mother of two girls, five and two. 770 00:37:38,080 --> 00:37:39,920 Speaker 1: My five year old is at that age where she's 771 00:37:39,960 --> 00:37:44,640 Speaker 1: super curious and inquisitive. She's wise beyond her years, incredibly smart, 772 00:37:44,719 --> 00:37:47,960 Speaker 1: and is amazing and expressing her feelings. I'm proud of 773 00:37:48,040 --> 00:37:50,560 Speaker 1: the girl i'm raising, given how different my parenting is 774 00:37:50,680 --> 00:37:54,040 Speaker 1: from the parenting I received in my childhood. I've noticed 775 00:37:54,120 --> 00:37:56,919 Speaker 1: lately that she's exploring her body. I catch her sitting 776 00:37:56,960 --> 00:37:59,279 Speaker 1: in awkward positions where I can tell she's rubbing up 777 00:37:59,280 --> 00:38:02,479 Speaker 1: against something, and although I know she isn't doing anything wrong, 778 00:38:02,719 --> 00:38:06,200 Speaker 1: I know it's natural and immediate and irrational. Anger comes 779 00:38:06,239 --> 00:38:08,920 Speaker 1: over me and I've yelled at her over something seemingly 780 00:38:09,000 --> 00:38:11,759 Speaker 1: harmless to her. I do not want to confuse her, 781 00:38:11,800 --> 00:38:14,080 Speaker 1: and I definitely don't want to shame her. I was 782 00:38:14,120 --> 00:38:16,320 Speaker 1: shamed as a child and teenager and even as a 783 00:38:16,400 --> 00:38:18,600 Speaker 1: woman for being sexual, and I don't want to do 784 00:38:18,719 --> 00:38:21,160 Speaker 1: that to her. But I don't know why I react 785 00:38:21,239 --> 00:38:24,520 Speaker 1: this way. I've looked up scientific articles I'm a public 786 00:38:24,560 --> 00:38:27,400 Speaker 1: health graduate student to find out whether this is healthy 787 00:38:27,480 --> 00:38:29,600 Speaker 1: child behavior, and I think it is. But there's not 788 00:38:29,760 --> 00:38:31,799 Speaker 1: much literature out there that I can find on how 789 00:38:31,840 --> 00:38:34,960 Speaker 1: to talk to young children about their sexuality anyhow. I 790 00:38:35,040 --> 00:38:37,200 Speaker 1: wish I could just talk about this with other women, 791 00:38:37,440 --> 00:38:40,279 Speaker 1: but even that feels taboo. How can I overcome this 792 00:38:40,400 --> 00:38:42,360 Speaker 1: reaction so I can be cool and collected for my 793 00:38:42,520 --> 00:38:44,480 Speaker 1: child when she needs me. If I can't deal with 794 00:38:44,560 --> 00:38:46,839 Speaker 1: this now, what will I be like when she's older 795 00:38:46,920 --> 00:38:53,759 Speaker 1: and inevitably has a sex life. Hi? Hi, Hi, how 796 00:38:53,840 --> 00:38:57,799 Speaker 1: are you? I'm good. I'm very much enjoying this. Thank 797 00:38:57,840 --> 00:39:00,239 Speaker 1: you for having me. I get this question, and some 798 00:39:00,360 --> 00:39:04,480 Speaker 1: other people they're they're small child begins, you know, touching themselves, 799 00:39:04,920 --> 00:39:07,279 Speaker 1: and they don't want to sec shame the child. They 800 00:39:07,320 --> 00:39:09,600 Speaker 1: don't want to give the child hang ups. But it's 801 00:39:09,640 --> 00:39:11,680 Speaker 1: important for your kid not to wind up in first 802 00:39:11,719 --> 00:39:13,960 Speaker 1: grade touching themselves in a way where they will be 803 00:39:14,080 --> 00:39:18,960 Speaker 1: shamed or picked on or stigmatized. So the balance you 804 00:39:19,040 --> 00:39:22,200 Speaker 1: have to strike is communicating to your kid that there's 805 00:39:22,239 --> 00:39:23,640 Speaker 1: a time and a place for this, and this is 806 00:39:23,680 --> 00:39:26,560 Speaker 1: a private kind of touch, and you're not to touch 807 00:39:26,640 --> 00:39:29,319 Speaker 1: yourself this way in front of your mom, in front 808 00:39:29,320 --> 00:39:31,960 Speaker 1: of a television, in front of classmates. This is a 809 00:39:32,040 --> 00:39:36,640 Speaker 1: private time thing. And I don't think that's shaming. It's correcting, 810 00:39:37,200 --> 00:39:40,080 Speaker 1: and it's setting your kid up to avoid the potential 811 00:39:40,160 --> 00:39:44,400 Speaker 1: negative fallout of not hearing that as a kid, not 812 00:39:44,600 --> 00:39:48,239 Speaker 1: knowing when and where this kind of pleasurable self touch 813 00:39:48,360 --> 00:39:51,719 Speaker 1: is appropriate. And I don't think that's shaming that you 814 00:39:51,800 --> 00:39:54,400 Speaker 1: feel this anger rise up in you. That's something to 815 00:39:54,640 --> 00:39:58,200 Speaker 1: maybe unpacked with a therapist, because that is kind of 816 00:39:58,440 --> 00:40:02,279 Speaker 1: looking at your child and fearing that your child is 817 00:40:02,360 --> 00:40:04,239 Speaker 1: a sexual person. And one of the things that you 818 00:40:04,280 --> 00:40:06,520 Speaker 1: know if you're the parent of of kids, and I'm 819 00:40:06,560 --> 00:40:09,919 Speaker 1: a parent, one of the things you realize pretty quickly 820 00:40:10,040 --> 00:40:16,800 Speaker 1: is that kids aren't sexually newter or neutral, that kids 821 00:40:17,600 --> 00:40:19,920 Speaker 1: are already have a kind of I'm not saying kids 822 00:40:19,920 --> 00:40:21,920 Speaker 1: should be sexually active. I'm not saying it's right for 823 00:40:22,000 --> 00:40:26,200 Speaker 1: anybody be attracted to a child. But kids have agency 824 00:40:26,480 --> 00:40:30,080 Speaker 1: and some sort of sexual self awareness even at age 825 00:40:30,120 --> 00:40:33,000 Speaker 1: five um, and a sense of what their bodies will 826 00:40:33,040 --> 00:40:36,320 Speaker 1: be capable of later in life as adults, a dawning 827 00:40:36,320 --> 00:40:38,799 Speaker 1: awareness of it. And it's your job as the parent 828 00:40:38,880 --> 00:40:42,400 Speaker 1: to channel that to the appropriate time and place so 829 00:40:42,520 --> 00:40:48,680 Speaker 1: your kid isn't attacked, scolded, shamed by peers, by authority 830 00:40:48,719 --> 00:40:51,400 Speaker 1: figures they may encounter outside the home. You want to 831 00:40:51,480 --> 00:40:53,959 Speaker 1: have that in its right channel and have your kid's 832 00:40:54,000 --> 00:40:56,719 Speaker 1: head screwed on straight about that before they're out there 833 00:40:56,800 --> 00:41:00,160 Speaker 1: in the world moving independently of you. Yeah, I mean, 834 00:41:00,360 --> 00:41:02,400 Speaker 1: or jerking off on monkey bars, which is what I 835 00:41:02,520 --> 00:41:05,040 Speaker 1: was doing growing up. Actually, no, there weren't monkey board bars. 836 00:41:05,120 --> 00:41:07,560 Speaker 1: It was a swing set with the metal poles in 837 00:41:07,680 --> 00:41:11,560 Speaker 1: between the swings, and I would ride those to give 838 00:41:11,600 --> 00:41:15,120 Speaker 1: myself the feeling over my clothes. And I would ride 839 00:41:15,280 --> 00:41:17,840 Speaker 1: those bars and then the recess bell would ring and 840 00:41:18,040 --> 00:41:20,520 Speaker 1: I would be climaxing. So I couldn't go back into 841 00:41:20,560 --> 00:41:23,600 Speaker 1: school because I was busy, And the teacher came out 842 00:41:23,680 --> 00:41:26,640 Speaker 1: and basically told me that I had to stop rubbing 843 00:41:27,120 --> 00:41:30,680 Speaker 1: my vagina against the metal posts during recess, otherwise I 844 00:41:30,719 --> 00:41:33,800 Speaker 1: wouldn't be allowed to go to recess anymore. But so 845 00:41:33,920 --> 00:41:36,439 Speaker 1: then I just found different appliances to put under my desk. 846 00:41:36,480 --> 00:41:38,560 Speaker 1: I mean, I jerked off so much in school between 847 00:41:38,600 --> 00:41:42,640 Speaker 1: third and fourth grade with whatever appliance I used, pencils, anything, 848 00:41:42,680 --> 00:41:44,600 Speaker 1: And I would never want to touch my vagina directly 849 00:41:44,640 --> 00:41:47,480 Speaker 1: because that, to me was disgusting. But finding any other 850 00:41:47,600 --> 00:41:51,200 Speaker 1: things to eroticize myself it was, you know, open game. 851 00:41:51,280 --> 00:41:53,040 Speaker 1: Even at my parents dinner table, I would take a 852 00:41:53,120 --> 00:41:55,479 Speaker 1: ladle and I would rub it in between my legs 853 00:41:55,560 --> 00:41:57,720 Speaker 1: and I would jerk off while our family was having dinner, 854 00:41:58,160 --> 00:42:02,640 Speaker 1: and nobody said anything to until my brother said, can 855 00:42:02,719 --> 00:42:05,960 Speaker 1: someone please tell her to stop? She does it all 856 00:42:06,000 --> 00:42:08,600 Speaker 1: the time. And that was when I first got caught 857 00:42:08,640 --> 00:42:11,520 Speaker 1: out and I was shamed, and I didn't masturbate again 858 00:42:11,600 --> 00:42:14,440 Speaker 1: until probably I was in my late thirties because I 859 00:42:14,480 --> 00:42:18,239 Speaker 1: thought it was so embarrassing. So shame, yes, shame could 860 00:42:18,280 --> 00:42:20,920 Speaker 1: carry you a long way, go stays with you a 861 00:42:21,000 --> 00:42:24,040 Speaker 1: long time. But a Sailah, the reason why you're having 862 00:42:24,080 --> 00:42:26,839 Speaker 1: the reaction you're having is because your parents. You were 863 00:42:26,880 --> 00:42:30,600 Speaker 1: shamed or whoever shamed you for doing that when you 864 00:42:30,640 --> 00:42:33,320 Speaker 1: were younger. As why, it's pretty much that simple. We 865 00:42:33,560 --> 00:42:36,919 Speaker 1: perpetuate those things. Whatever you were shamed about, you feel 866 00:42:36,960 --> 00:42:40,279 Speaker 1: shame about, and then seeing your daughter, that's coming out 867 00:42:40,320 --> 00:42:43,279 Speaker 1: of wanting to protect her, you know, and everything that 868 00:42:43,400 --> 00:42:46,040 Speaker 1: Dan said is perfectly accurate. You want to make sure 869 00:42:46,080 --> 00:42:49,160 Speaker 1: that she doesn't have shame around touching herself, but that 870 00:42:49,320 --> 00:42:51,719 Speaker 1: she knows it's something that she has to do in 871 00:42:51,800 --> 00:42:54,440 Speaker 1: the privacy of her own bedroom, and that she has 872 00:42:54,480 --> 00:42:57,280 Speaker 1: to do by herself and not with anyone else around, 873 00:42:57,400 --> 00:43:01,160 Speaker 1: certainly not any adults or other children around. So it's 874 00:43:01,360 --> 00:43:05,440 Speaker 1: totally fucking normal for your kid to touch themselves. Everybody 875 00:43:05,520 --> 00:43:07,959 Speaker 1: deals with this, so you're not alone. And I would 876 00:43:08,040 --> 00:43:11,640 Speaker 1: also say, you know, please start talking to other mothers 877 00:43:11,680 --> 00:43:13,960 Speaker 1: about this, because it's not as taboo as you think. 878 00:43:14,400 --> 00:43:16,120 Speaker 1: That's in your head and that's the way that you 879 00:43:16,200 --> 00:43:19,480 Speaker 1: were raised. It really isn't taboo. Anybody who has a 880 00:43:19,560 --> 00:43:22,560 Speaker 1: little girl or a little boy has experienced them fiddling 881 00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:24,920 Speaker 1: around with their private parts. I would just want to 882 00:43:24,920 --> 00:43:27,440 Speaker 1: add that you brought up the fact that you sometimes 883 00:43:27,520 --> 00:43:29,880 Speaker 1: feel an anger rise up in you, and I think 884 00:43:29,920 --> 00:43:33,560 Speaker 1: there's two ways to see that anger. And you know 885 00:43:33,640 --> 00:43:36,880 Speaker 1: anger that your your daughter is doing this thing that's sexual. 886 00:43:37,320 --> 00:43:39,920 Speaker 1: But if you just shift your perspective a little bit, 887 00:43:39,960 --> 00:43:43,120 Speaker 1: I think that can be fear for your daughter, and 888 00:43:43,640 --> 00:43:46,320 Speaker 1: that fear is a very motivating thing for parents. You 889 00:43:46,400 --> 00:43:49,359 Speaker 1: want to protect your kids and a kid you want 890 00:43:49,400 --> 00:43:52,800 Speaker 1: to You know, sex is dangerous, sex is risky, Sex 891 00:43:52,920 --> 00:43:55,520 Speaker 1: is scary. Sex is bigger and stronger than all of us. 892 00:43:55,680 --> 00:43:58,960 Speaker 1: Sex created us. And to see your kid already in 893 00:43:59,080 --> 00:44:02,239 Speaker 1: the grip or all of sex is to see your 894 00:44:02,320 --> 00:44:07,080 Speaker 1: kid in danger. And so you might help you to 895 00:44:07,200 --> 00:44:10,759 Speaker 1: understand your emotions at that moment not as anger, but 896 00:44:10,880 --> 00:44:14,359 Speaker 1: as concern and fear and not unreasonable concern and fear 897 00:44:14,520 --> 00:44:18,000 Speaker 1: for your kids safety as a parent, to channel you know, 898 00:44:18,120 --> 00:44:20,040 Speaker 1: this kind of touch which is appropriate for her age 899 00:44:20,080 --> 00:44:23,360 Speaker 1: right now, in a way where it's not a danger 900 00:44:23,480 --> 00:44:26,440 Speaker 1: to her, And to really understand that some of your 901 00:44:26,560 --> 00:44:29,839 Speaker 1: fear anger is anticipating what sex is going to mean 902 00:44:30,040 --> 00:44:32,640 Speaker 1: for your kid, for your family, for the risks she's 903 00:44:32,640 --> 00:44:35,320 Speaker 1: going to run when she is an adult, when she 904 00:44:35,440 --> 00:44:39,239 Speaker 1: is an older teenager and becomes sexually active. So don't 905 00:44:39,239 --> 00:44:41,640 Speaker 1: fault yourself for that anger, Just like, shift your perspective 906 00:44:41,680 --> 00:44:46,120 Speaker 1: and see that anger is legitimate, motivating concern for your kid. 907 00:44:47,280 --> 00:44:50,200 Speaker 1: I appreciate you saying that so much because I think 908 00:44:50,239 --> 00:44:52,640 Speaker 1: you hit the nail right on the head. I think 909 00:44:53,040 --> 00:44:56,480 Speaker 1: fear is definitely the you know, the back, you know, 910 00:44:56,560 --> 00:44:59,919 Speaker 1: like in the background here, and I think they're selves. 911 00:45:00,040 --> 00:45:02,920 Speaker 1: So a lot of cultural stuff that we're caring that, 912 00:45:03,440 --> 00:45:05,719 Speaker 1: you know in my family. Still even talking about it 913 00:45:05,840 --> 00:45:08,520 Speaker 1: later with my grandma, she was like, do not say 914 00:45:08,600 --> 00:45:12,279 Speaker 1: it's private, just discourage it period, Like, don't do it 915 00:45:12,360 --> 00:45:14,440 Speaker 1: at all, it could be bad for her. And I 916 00:45:14,600 --> 00:45:17,200 Speaker 1: was like, wait, like we need to change the way 917 00:45:17,239 --> 00:45:19,279 Speaker 1: that we talk about is we need to talk about 918 00:45:19,320 --> 00:45:21,600 Speaker 1: it first of all. And that's the reason why I 919 00:45:21,800 --> 00:45:25,480 Speaker 1: even submitted my question. Just even talking about it. It's 920 00:45:25,560 --> 00:45:28,680 Speaker 1: important to me because I look around and I'm like, 921 00:45:29,000 --> 00:45:32,279 Speaker 1: who do I talk about this, you know with, And 922 00:45:33,840 --> 00:45:37,160 Speaker 1: I want to change the conversation. I know it's normal, 923 00:45:37,280 --> 00:45:38,880 Speaker 1: and I've read about it, and I see her and 924 00:45:38,920 --> 00:45:41,120 Speaker 1: I know she's doing nothing wrong, and I remember what 925 00:45:41,280 --> 00:45:43,399 Speaker 1: I was being shamed, and I don't do not want 926 00:45:43,440 --> 00:45:46,560 Speaker 1: to do that to her. So it's irrational. I recognize 927 00:45:46,600 --> 00:45:50,880 Speaker 1: that on my part that it's completely irrational, but it 928 00:45:51,080 --> 00:45:54,239 Speaker 1: just you know, boils in me and comes out. So 929 00:45:54,440 --> 00:45:57,920 Speaker 1: I think it is the fear and the thinking that 930 00:45:58,120 --> 00:46:01,440 Speaker 1: she might be in danger and having heard growing up 931 00:46:01,520 --> 00:46:06,800 Speaker 1: like conflicting advice about sex. Don't do it, but or 932 00:46:07,080 --> 00:46:09,480 Speaker 1: you're gonna do it, but you know, So it's it's 933 00:46:09,600 --> 00:46:12,560 Speaker 1: it was very confusing and it was very hard. Very 934 00:46:12,680 --> 00:46:15,200 Speaker 1: late into my life. Did I feel like I came 935 00:46:15,320 --> 00:46:19,080 Speaker 1: into myself feeling confident about me being a sexual being. 936 00:46:19,239 --> 00:46:22,520 Speaker 1: So I don't want that for her, definitely. But but 937 00:46:22,640 --> 00:46:25,400 Speaker 1: you were. You were shamed, and that was traumatizing for 938 00:46:25,440 --> 00:46:27,880 Speaker 1: you and took your time to overcome. You're not shaming 939 00:46:27,920 --> 00:46:30,560 Speaker 1: your daughter. You're going to direct your daughter. You are 940 00:46:30,640 --> 00:46:33,440 Speaker 1: going to parent your kid and help her channel these 941 00:46:33,520 --> 00:46:37,239 Speaker 1: things in appropriate ways while affirming that she's allowed to 942 00:46:37,280 --> 00:46:40,560 Speaker 1: do these things, that these are pleasurable things, and so 943 00:46:40,719 --> 00:46:42,880 Speaker 1: you're not shaming. Some parents get into their head that 944 00:46:43,000 --> 00:46:47,759 Speaker 1: any correction and direction is shaming, and it's not. It's 945 00:46:47,760 --> 00:46:51,320 Speaker 1: a very come from a very different place. Thank you. 946 00:46:51,440 --> 00:46:54,120 Speaker 1: I appreciate that. Thank you so much. And you, you know, 947 00:46:54,320 --> 00:46:56,480 Speaker 1: like any mothers that you have a close relationship with 948 00:46:56,600 --> 00:46:59,520 Speaker 1: that school, or any mothers that aren't at school with 949 00:46:59,560 --> 00:47:02,360 Speaker 1: your children and just friends of yours that are also mothers. 950 00:47:02,600 --> 00:47:05,000 Speaker 1: I would urge you to open up that conversation because 951 00:47:05,239 --> 00:47:07,200 Speaker 1: you'd probably be doing a lot of people that favor, 952 00:47:07,600 --> 00:47:09,680 Speaker 1: because you're not the only one that feels like it's 953 00:47:09,719 --> 00:47:12,279 Speaker 1: not being talked about enough, and your intention of just 954 00:47:12,440 --> 00:47:14,600 Speaker 1: wanting to talk about it in a responsible way and 955 00:47:14,680 --> 00:47:18,120 Speaker 1: not shaming your daughter is awesome. So you know, don't 956 00:47:18,160 --> 00:47:20,640 Speaker 1: be shy about that. You know, that is a conversation 957 00:47:20,719 --> 00:47:23,920 Speaker 1: worth having with people, getting different people's perspectives on how 958 00:47:23,960 --> 00:47:26,600 Speaker 1: they handle the situation. You know, making sure your daughter 959 00:47:26,680 --> 00:47:30,080 Speaker 1: understands it's okay, it's just a private thing. Take the 960 00:47:30,200 --> 00:47:32,680 Speaker 1: butt out of it. You can do that. You need 961 00:47:32,760 --> 00:47:35,480 Speaker 1: to be in your room. You know, it's a private situation. 962 00:47:35,520 --> 00:47:38,000 Speaker 1: It's a private thing. You don't have to make it 963 00:47:38,080 --> 00:47:39,880 Speaker 1: the way. You know. You want to stop the cycle 964 00:47:39,960 --> 00:47:42,719 Speaker 1: of what happened to you. You know, that's all everyone's 965 00:47:42,800 --> 00:47:45,440 Speaker 1: goal should be to try not to recreate the trauma 966 00:47:45,520 --> 00:47:48,560 Speaker 1: that had been impressed upon you. And you're already doing 967 00:47:48,640 --> 00:47:51,399 Speaker 1: that by being this thoughtful about it. Thank you, You're 968 00:47:51,440 --> 00:47:55,040 Speaker 1: absolutely right. Thank you for having me sure, Thanks Selah. 969 00:47:55,920 --> 00:47:58,520 Speaker 1: How cool to have a mom like that who's so 970 00:47:58,719 --> 00:48:02,120 Speaker 1: forward thinking and like understands what her own behavior the 971 00:48:02,160 --> 00:48:04,960 Speaker 1: consequences that gonna have for her child, and is working 972 00:48:05,000 --> 00:48:07,719 Speaker 1: to take strengths to remedy that. If somebody just had 973 00:48:07,760 --> 00:48:10,120 Speaker 1: told me in my family like what I was doing 974 00:48:10,560 --> 00:48:12,720 Speaker 1: like I had, I would be hiding behind the sofa 975 00:48:13,320 --> 00:48:15,120 Speaker 1: and I would be rubbing. I always did it, lying 976 00:48:15,160 --> 00:48:18,960 Speaker 1: on my stomach, rubbing my pants underneath over my pants, 977 00:48:19,000 --> 00:48:21,319 Speaker 1: but I would like have an ottoman covering the side 978 00:48:21,400 --> 00:48:24,080 Speaker 1: of me. Like I thought I was being secretive. My 979 00:48:24,280 --> 00:48:27,719 Speaker 1: whole family knew that I was masturbating all the time, 980 00:48:28,000 --> 00:48:30,279 Speaker 1: and no one said a fucking word to me, like 981 00:48:30,560 --> 00:48:33,960 Speaker 1: I wish somebody would have just said, hey, that's something 982 00:48:34,040 --> 00:48:37,239 Speaker 1: you want to really keep to yourself. You know, the 983 00:48:37,560 --> 00:48:39,479 Speaker 1: time and the place, and the family roommate the place 984 00:48:39,560 --> 00:48:41,880 Speaker 1: and differently, and the dining room table also was not 985 00:48:42,040 --> 00:48:45,880 Speaker 1: the place so right, But that's our family dysfunction junction. 986 00:48:46,640 --> 00:48:48,640 Speaker 1: We are going to take a quick break so you 987 00:48:48,719 --> 00:48:55,319 Speaker 1: can hear and add and then we'll be right back. Well, 988 00:48:55,400 --> 00:48:59,720 Speaker 1: our next call is from Stephen. Stephen says, dear Chelsea. 989 00:49:00,200 --> 00:49:02,279 Speaker 1: I said I'd give celibacy a go when I was 990 00:49:02,360 --> 00:49:06,000 Speaker 1: twenty two for four years to prove a point, why 991 00:49:06,600 --> 00:49:10,080 Speaker 1: what point? I did not fit into the gay lifestyle whatsoever, 992 00:49:10,320 --> 00:49:12,400 Speaker 1: and struggled to fit in with that community based on 993 00:49:12,520 --> 00:49:16,560 Speaker 1: my relationship and marriage goals. Unfortunately, that started a shift 994 00:49:16,600 --> 00:49:18,960 Speaker 1: in my life that continued for more than the original 995 00:49:19,040 --> 00:49:21,879 Speaker 1: four years as planned, and as each As each year 996 00:49:21,920 --> 00:49:24,160 Speaker 1: has gone by, I've become more and more afraid to 997 00:49:24,520 --> 00:49:27,359 Speaker 1: get back on the horse, so to speak. Now it's 998 00:49:27,400 --> 00:49:30,680 Speaker 1: been twelve years. Oh my gosh. I've had the odd 999 00:49:30,719 --> 00:49:33,480 Speaker 1: hook up here and there every year or so, enough 1000 00:49:33,520 --> 00:49:36,160 Speaker 1: that I can count on two hands. But I'm petrified 1001 00:49:36,200 --> 00:49:38,160 Speaker 1: of men and have no clue how to date or 1002 00:49:38,200 --> 00:49:41,239 Speaker 1: what a normal relationship is or normal interactions with men. 1003 00:49:41,840 --> 00:49:44,320 Speaker 1: The pandemic is also of no help. I've moved in 1004 00:49:44,360 --> 00:49:47,160 Speaker 1: with my godmother, which has made my sexless life even 1005 00:49:47,239 --> 00:49:49,880 Speaker 1: less sexy. Given that you're someone who spent quite a 1006 00:49:49,920 --> 00:49:52,640 Speaker 1: few years your legs in the air, I'm very jealous. Really, 1007 00:49:53,320 --> 00:49:55,640 Speaker 1: do you have any advice for me and my single 1008 00:49:55,719 --> 00:49:59,759 Speaker 1: forever which may also be okay? Stephen, and he is 1009 00:49:59,840 --> 00:50:03,359 Speaker 1: here with us? Oh good, Stephen, Let's see you. Where 1010 00:50:03,400 --> 00:50:06,840 Speaker 1: are you, Stephen? How are you? By Stephen? We have 1011 00:50:06,920 --> 00:50:10,280 Speaker 1: our special guest Dan Savage is here today. Oh wow, 1012 00:50:10,640 --> 00:50:13,120 Speaker 1: that is special. Yeah, he's a gay man, so you're 1013 00:50:13,120 --> 00:50:16,359 Speaker 1: in luck. I'm well aware who he is. I've had 1014 00:50:16,440 --> 00:50:20,719 Speaker 1: my legs and there a few times myself. Well, thanks 1015 00:50:20,760 --> 00:50:23,399 Speaker 1: for having me, and nice to meet you all. It's 1016 00:50:23,480 --> 00:50:27,640 Speaker 1: nice to meet you too. Okay, So it's been a while, 1017 00:50:27,840 --> 00:50:34,759 Speaker 1: huh it has and uh and yeah, twelve to fourteen years. 1018 00:50:34,840 --> 00:50:37,280 Speaker 1: I'm still trying to figure out the math. It's between 1019 00:50:37,400 --> 00:50:39,960 Speaker 1: that somewhere. So how old were you when you took 1020 00:50:40,040 --> 00:50:41,960 Speaker 1: your four year break when you decided to opt out? 1021 00:50:42,680 --> 00:50:47,560 Speaker 1: I was twenty. It's often the case that get you 1022 00:50:47,640 --> 00:50:50,520 Speaker 1: know our straight peers. My straight brothers were dating when 1023 00:50:50,560 --> 00:50:52,880 Speaker 1: they were thirteen, fourteen, fifteen years old in high school, 1024 00:50:53,200 --> 00:50:55,719 Speaker 1: and when you're gay, you often don't start dating until 1025 00:50:55,840 --> 00:50:58,640 Speaker 1: later in life. You don't come out, And so when 1026 00:50:58,719 --> 00:51:02,480 Speaker 1: we're twenty, we can feel like thirteen. And like I 1027 00:51:02,560 --> 00:51:05,880 Speaker 1: said to the previous car, sex is scary, and I 1028 00:51:06,000 --> 00:51:09,719 Speaker 1: can see you being afraid of sex, afraid of men 1029 00:51:10,680 --> 00:51:13,560 Speaker 1: at twenty and not having the same tools to handle 1030 00:51:13,680 --> 00:51:16,239 Speaker 1: dating and secks that even a woman of the same 1031 00:51:16,320 --> 00:51:19,160 Speaker 1: age who was into men might have. So I don't 1032 00:51:19,200 --> 00:51:21,320 Speaker 1: want to say you did something wrong by like pumping 1033 00:51:21,360 --> 00:51:25,359 Speaker 1: the brakes there. So I think setting an arbitrary four 1034 00:51:25,480 --> 00:51:27,680 Speaker 1: year I'm not going to date or have sex with 1035 00:51:27,760 --> 00:51:31,960 Speaker 1: anybody may have been a bit much, um, and you 1036 00:51:32,040 --> 00:51:35,560 Speaker 1: denied yourself the kind of furtive exploring sexual experiences that 1037 00:51:35,600 --> 00:51:38,040 Speaker 1: could have been formative and helped you. But it's not 1038 00:51:38,160 --> 00:51:42,040 Speaker 1: too late to start having those, right. Well, I, like 1039 00:51:42,200 --> 00:51:44,080 Speaker 1: you said, I was young, and I thought I had 1040 00:51:44,160 --> 00:51:47,719 Speaker 1: something to prove. And I thought, because that's a you know, 1041 00:51:47,800 --> 00:51:51,600 Speaker 1: in general, life is over sexualized, and especially in the 1042 00:51:51,920 --> 00:51:55,239 Speaker 1: ay world, that's sex sex sex, So I thought, I 1043 00:51:55,800 --> 00:51:59,319 Speaker 1: it's holier than thou and could prove this four year 1044 00:52:00,480 --> 00:52:03,080 Speaker 1: look at me thing, And that one sided with like 1045 00:52:03,600 --> 00:52:05,800 Speaker 1: a lot of trauma, so I was kind of hiding 1046 00:52:06,160 --> 00:52:08,160 Speaker 1: that and this would be an easy way to not 1047 00:52:08,360 --> 00:52:12,319 Speaker 1: have to indulge in sex to prove this for your thing. 1048 00:52:12,400 --> 00:52:15,400 Speaker 1: And then it just kept going on and on, and 1049 00:52:15,520 --> 00:52:18,320 Speaker 1: as the years go on, it just seems less and 1050 00:52:18,400 --> 00:52:20,880 Speaker 1: less attainable. Stephen, Can I ask you a co question 1051 00:52:20,960 --> 00:52:22,680 Speaker 1: you But you did have sex before you took this 1052 00:52:22,800 --> 00:52:27,160 Speaker 1: little hiatus, right, I did just big hiatus, yeah, from 1053 00:52:27,280 --> 00:52:31,840 Speaker 1: the ages of eighteen too. And did you have a 1054 00:52:31,880 --> 00:52:34,800 Speaker 1: lot of sex in those years, not a lot. I 1055 00:52:34,880 --> 00:52:38,840 Speaker 1: had a health scare when I was one that medical 1056 00:52:39,080 --> 00:52:41,320 Speaker 1: industry did treat me very well, and that caused a 1057 00:52:41,360 --> 00:52:44,400 Speaker 1: lot of trauma. And it's already a hypochondriact, so it 1058 00:52:44,520 --> 00:52:46,879 Speaker 1: was just easy to just shut everything down from there. 1059 00:52:47,160 --> 00:52:50,680 Speaker 1: So you know that stereotype, I should own it. Like 1060 00:52:50,760 --> 00:52:52,839 Speaker 1: earlier I was joking about, you know, straight men would 1061 00:52:52,840 --> 00:52:54,360 Speaker 1: do everything gay men do with straight men? Could not 1062 00:52:54,440 --> 00:52:56,640 Speaker 1: all gay men do all those things we associate with 1063 00:52:57,400 --> 00:53:01,160 Speaker 1: gamel communities, right, some of And someone says the gay 1064 00:53:01,239 --> 00:53:04,440 Speaker 1: world is all sex sex sex, Well, that's the corner 1065 00:53:04,480 --> 00:53:06,720 Speaker 1: of the gay world that gets a lot of press 1066 00:53:06,880 --> 00:53:08,960 Speaker 1: and a lot of jokes, but it also gets a 1067 00:53:09,000 --> 00:53:12,120 Speaker 1: lot of attention. If that's all you're seeing, that's possible 1068 00:53:12,160 --> 00:53:13,960 Speaker 1: for you in gayland. I would say that's the only 1069 00:53:14,040 --> 00:53:18,040 Speaker 1: place maybe you're looking, and you can turn your face 1070 00:53:18,120 --> 00:53:19,840 Speaker 1: away from that. Some people are like, but if I 1071 00:53:19,920 --> 00:53:22,120 Speaker 1: put I want a date or I want i'm anogonmous 1072 00:53:22,160 --> 00:53:25,000 Speaker 1: relationship on my Grinder profile or whatever, I don't get 1073 00:53:25,040 --> 00:53:27,480 Speaker 1: as many responses. Well, you don't get responses from guys 1074 00:53:27,520 --> 00:53:30,520 Speaker 1: who wouldn't want to date you. You don't get responses 1075 00:53:30,520 --> 00:53:32,200 Speaker 1: from guys who were only interested in sex, and you 1076 00:53:32,280 --> 00:53:35,920 Speaker 1: aren't interested in those guys, so scaring away those guys 1077 00:53:36,160 --> 00:53:40,400 Speaker 1: is actually good. And more responses on Grinder with a 1078 00:53:40,480 --> 00:53:44,359 Speaker 1: faceless picture, So that says enough about Grinder. Yeah, well yeah, 1079 00:53:44,400 --> 00:53:46,719 Speaker 1: but listen, Grinder is not the only spot there's I mean, 1080 00:53:46,840 --> 00:53:48,440 Speaker 1: I was just with my gay friend. I wish i'd 1081 00:53:48,560 --> 00:53:50,080 Speaker 1: know in the spot that he uses. What's the new 1082 00:53:50,120 --> 00:53:55,359 Speaker 1: one that everyone's using? Scruffyes, there's there's bunch, there's so many. 1083 00:53:55,480 --> 00:53:57,759 Speaker 1: I mean, there's myriad gay sites for you to be on, 1084 00:53:58,000 --> 00:54:00,239 Speaker 1: and you should use your picture. You should actually put 1085 00:54:00,280 --> 00:54:02,280 Speaker 1: it all out there so that you are getting honest 1086 00:54:02,360 --> 00:54:05,160 Speaker 1: feedback and you're not tricking anybody, or that you know, 1087 00:54:05,200 --> 00:54:07,279 Speaker 1: you're setting yourself up for failure so that they come 1088 00:54:07,320 --> 00:54:10,319 Speaker 1: and see you on a date and realize they were 1089 00:54:10,560 --> 00:54:13,680 Speaker 1: had a different expectations. But regardless of all of that, 1090 00:54:14,000 --> 00:54:17,200 Speaker 1: like you did this, it sounds now out of it 1091 00:54:17,360 --> 00:54:19,960 Speaker 1: was born out of a traumatizing event that you had, 1092 00:54:20,400 --> 00:54:22,960 Speaker 1: So you're letting that event kind of dictate the rest 1093 00:54:23,040 --> 00:54:25,920 Speaker 1: of your life. And now it's panic mode, yes, and 1094 00:54:26,040 --> 00:54:28,040 Speaker 1: you can't let and for that reason alone, you have 1095 00:54:28,160 --> 00:54:30,279 Speaker 1: to get out there if you put your actual face 1096 00:54:30,360 --> 00:54:32,680 Speaker 1: out there, which I think is smart. Put your actual 1097 00:54:33,520 --> 00:54:35,399 Speaker 1: not trauma. You don't want to make somebody feel like, Okay, 1098 00:54:35,400 --> 00:54:36,960 Speaker 1: I can't date this guy. Sith enough to take on 1099 00:54:37,080 --> 00:54:40,680 Speaker 1: all of their emotional burdens, but be honest about your 1100 00:54:40,719 --> 00:54:44,480 Speaker 1: lack of experience. I often hear from gay men who 1101 00:54:44,480 --> 00:54:46,399 Speaker 1: are like, I'm really in experience, and I'm afraid none 1102 00:54:46,440 --> 00:54:47,920 Speaker 1: of these guys are going to want to date me 1103 00:54:48,080 --> 00:54:52,239 Speaker 1: because I'm so inexperienced. There are other inexperienced gay guys 1104 00:54:52,280 --> 00:54:54,520 Speaker 1: out there who may have taken a hiatus from dating, 1105 00:54:55,080 --> 00:54:56,960 Speaker 1: or may just not have ever jumped in just the 1106 00:54:57,040 --> 00:54:59,759 Speaker 1: way you never jumped in or you jumped out, who 1107 00:55:00,000 --> 00:55:03,239 Speaker 1: are looking at your profile doing well. He's an attractive guy, 1108 00:55:03,280 --> 00:55:05,399 Speaker 1: he's got great hair, like he wouldn't be interesting because 1109 00:55:05,400 --> 00:55:09,800 Speaker 1: time so inexperienced. Lead with your inexperience. I'm nervous and 1110 00:55:09,840 --> 00:55:12,880 Speaker 1: I'm inexperienced, and you know I didn't. My twenties weren't 1111 00:55:12,880 --> 00:55:15,640 Speaker 1: like most gay men's twenties. And you think that's gonna 1112 00:55:15,719 --> 00:55:18,480 Speaker 1: turn some gay men off, Okay, it might good. You 1113 00:55:18,480 --> 00:55:20,279 Speaker 1: don't want to be with those gay guys. That's going 1114 00:55:20,320 --> 00:55:22,520 Speaker 1: to attract other gay guys. You have to filter those 1115 00:55:22,560 --> 00:55:23,880 Speaker 1: gay guys because you don't want to wind up with 1116 00:55:23,920 --> 00:55:27,480 Speaker 1: somebody who's hoping to take advantage of your inexperience. Right, 1117 00:55:27,920 --> 00:55:30,120 Speaker 1: But there are gay guys out there who are similarly 1118 00:55:30,280 --> 00:55:33,920 Speaker 1: inexperience exactly, and you guys who will feel safe opening 1119 00:55:34,040 --> 00:55:35,640 Speaker 1: up to you about that because you opened up to 1120 00:55:35,719 --> 00:55:38,640 Speaker 1: them first, right, Because it all kind of boils down 1121 00:55:38,719 --> 00:55:42,520 Speaker 1: to intimacy factor in general. If I if I've never 1122 00:55:42,760 --> 00:55:45,920 Speaker 1: dated or had a relationship, another question is do I 1123 00:55:46,040 --> 00:55:49,160 Speaker 1: just start having the sex part. I can't imagine like 1124 00:55:49,320 --> 00:55:52,560 Speaker 1: dating someone for the first time and having this sex 1125 00:55:52,640 --> 00:55:55,480 Speaker 1: thing in the back of my head. So if I 1126 00:55:55,560 --> 00:55:57,839 Speaker 1: should just like go out and just get it done 1127 00:55:58,480 --> 00:56:02,400 Speaker 1: and then look for dating from there. There's always when 1128 00:56:02,400 --> 00:56:04,279 Speaker 1: you talk about millions and millions of people, there's gonna 1129 00:56:04,280 --> 00:56:07,040 Speaker 1: be hundreds of thousands of exceptions. Most game and I 1130 00:56:07,120 --> 00:56:09,200 Speaker 1: know who are in relationships had a one night stand 1131 00:56:09,280 --> 00:56:11,920 Speaker 1: or hook up and then they just clicked and wanted 1132 00:56:11,920 --> 00:56:13,480 Speaker 1: to hook up with that person again, and then a 1133 00:56:13,560 --> 00:56:16,239 Speaker 1: relationship grew. But there are certainly gay men out there 1134 00:56:16,280 --> 00:56:19,279 Speaker 1: who were, like, I want to date. I'm a demisexual. 1135 00:56:19,400 --> 00:56:21,520 Speaker 1: There's a term for everything these days, I want to 1136 00:56:21,560 --> 00:56:24,320 Speaker 1: get to know somebody first and then maybe move on 1137 00:56:24,440 --> 00:56:27,480 Speaker 1: to sex, and then you might make an emotional investment 1138 00:56:27,520 --> 00:56:29,040 Speaker 1: in somebody in the sex doesn't work and you have 1139 00:56:29,120 --> 00:56:30,719 Speaker 1: to end it and like move on to the next 1140 00:56:30,800 --> 00:56:33,440 Speaker 1: emotional investment and then see if the sex works. But 1141 00:56:33,560 --> 00:56:35,440 Speaker 1: it's worth it. I think it's worth it for you 1142 00:56:35,560 --> 00:56:38,480 Speaker 1: to be honest. Listen, you don't want to traumatize yourself again, right, 1143 00:56:38,760 --> 00:56:40,560 Speaker 1: I think it's worth for you to be honest on 1144 00:56:40,600 --> 00:56:43,520 Speaker 1: your pages. Get on all those pages and say I'm 1145 00:56:43,600 --> 00:56:46,800 Speaker 1: looking to have make a connection with somebody. I'm not 1146 00:56:46,960 --> 00:56:49,600 Speaker 1: looking to go In this case, it would be not funk. 1147 00:56:49,680 --> 00:56:52,120 Speaker 1: First Dan, I would say, you know, I'm looking to 1148 00:56:52,200 --> 00:56:54,520 Speaker 1: make a connection with someone. I'm looking to take it slow. 1149 00:56:54,920 --> 00:56:57,600 Speaker 1: I understand that that's not why everybody's here, but that's 1150 00:56:57,600 --> 00:57:00,440 Speaker 1: what I'm looking for and I would respect that in return, 1151 00:57:00,840 --> 00:57:03,440 Speaker 1: or you know, somebody to be in the same position 1152 00:57:03,520 --> 00:57:05,640 Speaker 1: as I am, because like Dan said, you're gonna find 1153 00:57:05,719 --> 00:57:09,080 Speaker 1: like minded people that also have little experience with sex 1154 00:57:09,160 --> 00:57:12,080 Speaker 1: or don't have much recent experience with sex, and take 1155 00:57:12,120 --> 00:57:15,319 Speaker 1: it slow so that you can have a nice experience 1156 00:57:15,400 --> 00:57:18,680 Speaker 1: for your first time re entering the scene and entering 1157 00:57:18,840 --> 00:57:21,440 Speaker 1: someone or getting entered. I don't know what your bag is. 1158 00:57:21,720 --> 00:57:23,200 Speaker 1: You probably don't even know if you're a top our 1159 00:57:23,240 --> 00:57:25,680 Speaker 1: bottom that says it's been so long, But whatever it is, 1160 00:57:26,080 --> 00:57:29,360 Speaker 1: that's regard, you know. Regardless of that, you just respect 1161 00:57:29,400 --> 00:57:32,360 Speaker 1: yourself and taking the time and being honest and upfront 1162 00:57:32,400 --> 00:57:36,520 Speaker 1: with everyone so that there is no demand or expectation 1163 00:57:36,720 --> 00:57:38,800 Speaker 1: from them, and that they know where you're coming from, 1164 00:57:39,280 --> 00:57:41,520 Speaker 1: and that you laid it all out there, and then 1165 00:57:41,680 --> 00:57:44,480 Speaker 1: something will naturally develop with one of these people. You 1166 00:57:44,560 --> 00:57:47,040 Speaker 1: will be attracted to one of these people, and they 1167 00:57:47,080 --> 00:57:49,800 Speaker 1: will eventually one of these people will be attracted to you. 1168 00:57:50,360 --> 00:57:52,880 Speaker 1: You know, it's not gonna happen like lightning, maybe right 1169 00:57:52,920 --> 00:57:55,200 Speaker 1: out of the gate, but it's going to happen. And 1170 00:57:55,320 --> 00:57:58,000 Speaker 1: you owe it to yourself to put yourself back out 1171 00:57:58,040 --> 00:58:00,080 Speaker 1: there because you don't want to let this experience that 1172 00:58:00,160 --> 00:58:03,439 Speaker 1: you had so many years ago to find you. Right. Yeah, 1173 00:58:03,560 --> 00:58:05,560 Speaker 1: that's true. And Stephen, are you in any kind of 1174 00:58:05,640 --> 00:58:10,440 Speaker 1: therapy right now? Um? Not at the moment, but I was, 1175 00:58:10,760 --> 00:58:13,880 Speaker 1: and that's something that I should get into again. I 1176 00:58:14,080 --> 00:58:17,720 Speaker 1: had It's called E M d R, which is for 1177 00:58:17,800 --> 00:58:21,120 Speaker 1: anyone who has trauma in their past or PTSD it 1178 00:58:21,400 --> 00:58:24,360 Speaker 1: it was extremely beneficial, So that is something I should 1179 00:58:24,360 --> 00:58:28,040 Speaker 1: obviously do again. You say you live with your godmother. Yes, 1180 00:58:28,160 --> 00:58:30,800 Speaker 1: I've had to downsize my life a little bit, that's fine. 1181 00:58:31,120 --> 00:58:35,000 Speaker 1: Is your godmother supportive? Are you able to be out? Oh? Yeah, 1182 00:58:35,160 --> 00:58:37,600 Speaker 1: very much so. She would be thrilled, same with my 1183 00:58:37,680 --> 00:58:40,720 Speaker 1: real mother, and everyone would be Everyone in my life 1184 00:58:40,760 --> 00:58:44,760 Speaker 1: would be absolutely thrilled to see me not alone. I'm 1185 00:58:44,800 --> 00:58:46,480 Speaker 1: glad you have that kind of support. I think that's 1186 00:58:46,520 --> 00:58:49,000 Speaker 1: really important. What you need to what you need to 1187 00:58:49,080 --> 00:58:51,600 Speaker 1: disinhibit about, is you think no one would want to 1188 00:58:51,680 --> 00:58:54,720 Speaker 1: date me for this reason my experience. You know, I 1189 00:58:54,800 --> 00:58:57,320 Speaker 1: haven't been a relationship before. There are people out there 1190 00:58:57,360 --> 00:58:59,520 Speaker 1: who will want to date you for exactly that reason, 1191 00:59:00,040 --> 00:59:01,880 Speaker 1: or who won't care. We want to date you for 1192 00:59:01,960 --> 00:59:06,440 Speaker 1: other reasons, and those won't seem relevant. To stop disqualifying yourself, 1193 00:59:06,560 --> 00:59:07,800 Speaker 1: which is what you're doing right now. No one I 1194 00:59:07,840 --> 00:59:09,360 Speaker 1: want to date me. I'm not gonna put myself out there. 1195 00:59:09,360 --> 00:59:13,880 Speaker 1: I'm so inexperience. You're disqualifying yourself. Don't put yourself out there. 1196 00:59:13,880 --> 00:59:17,080 Speaker 1: To be really honest, and people will come along. We 1197 00:59:17,160 --> 00:59:20,520 Speaker 1: are interested in you and and sometimes, you know, paradoxically 1198 00:59:20,600 --> 00:59:22,280 Speaker 1: for exactly the reason you thought no one would want 1199 00:59:22,320 --> 00:59:25,600 Speaker 1: to date someone else who's equally inexperience is to be Okay, 1200 00:59:25,960 --> 00:59:28,240 Speaker 1: we share this, and I don't have to be stressed 1201 00:59:28,280 --> 00:59:30,080 Speaker 1: out about it. I don't have to worry about when 1202 00:59:30,080 --> 00:59:33,040 Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell him I have no experience because because 1203 00:59:33,120 --> 00:59:34,600 Speaker 1: he just told me he has none, And we can 1204 00:59:34,640 --> 00:59:36,280 Speaker 1: just be really honest with each other about that and 1205 00:59:36,320 --> 00:59:38,360 Speaker 1: then move on to see if we're compatible in all 1206 00:59:38,400 --> 00:59:41,920 Speaker 1: the other ways that matter. Right, Well, Stephen, let us 1207 00:59:42,000 --> 00:59:45,160 Speaker 1: know how it goes. Yeah, let's keep in touch with us, Okay, Stephen, 1208 00:59:45,200 --> 00:59:46,960 Speaker 1: and let us know, like when you start getting out 1209 00:59:47,000 --> 00:59:50,200 Speaker 1: there and you know, well, yeah, get those legs up. 1210 00:59:50,480 --> 00:59:53,240 Speaker 1: I'll let you know when more than just life is 1211 00:59:53,280 --> 01:00:00,440 Speaker 1: fucking me. Okay, right, thanks Steven, Thank you, Steven, Bye bye, 1212 01:00:00,960 --> 01:00:04,160 Speaker 1: okay bye. Well, now we know that Steven's the bottom, 1213 01:00:06,880 --> 01:00:09,640 Speaker 1: I think, which is a fine thing to be. Okay, 1214 01:00:09,720 --> 01:00:12,240 Speaker 1: So what do we have on deck? Catherine? All right, 1215 01:00:12,520 --> 01:00:17,600 Speaker 1: So our next email comes from b. B is a 1216 01:00:18,160 --> 01:00:21,200 Speaker 1: year old female and her boyfriend is twenty year old male. 1217 01:00:21,840 --> 01:00:24,360 Speaker 1: She says, Dear Chelsea, I've been dating my boyfriend for 1218 01:00:24,400 --> 01:00:26,959 Speaker 1: about five months now, and he really is the best 1219 01:00:27,000 --> 01:00:28,960 Speaker 1: guy I've ever been with in regards to the way 1220 01:00:29,000 --> 01:00:31,440 Speaker 1: he treats me and the things we both enjoy doing together. 1221 01:00:32,120 --> 01:00:34,320 Speaker 1: The problem is that my ex boyfriend from a few 1222 01:00:34,440 --> 01:00:37,560 Speaker 1: years ago gave me genital herpes without my informed consent, 1223 01:00:37,760 --> 01:00:41,160 Speaker 1: which really made me depressed for years. My current boyfriend 1224 01:00:41,360 --> 01:00:44,000 Speaker 1: isn't educated enough on it and it's freaked out by it. 1225 01:00:44,600 --> 01:00:47,480 Speaker 1: We've only had penetrative sex less than a handful of times, 1226 01:00:47,600 --> 01:00:49,840 Speaker 1: and each time has been pretty awkward because he can't 1227 01:00:49,880 --> 01:00:52,440 Speaker 1: stay hard or finish because he's in his head. He 1228 01:00:52,600 --> 01:00:55,720 Speaker 1: always makes sure I finish, but I missed the connection 1229 01:00:55,800 --> 01:00:57,640 Speaker 1: that's formed when you have sex with someone you love, 1230 01:00:57,720 --> 01:00:59,400 Speaker 1: and it just makes me feel like shit, even though 1231 01:00:59,440 --> 01:01:01,600 Speaker 1: he says he loves me. How do I bring this 1232 01:01:01,720 --> 01:01:04,040 Speaker 1: up to him without it sounding like I'm coercing him 1233 01:01:04,080 --> 01:01:07,040 Speaker 1: and having sex with me? B How long did she say? 1234 01:01:07,080 --> 01:01:10,240 Speaker 1: They were together? Five months? Five months and they've only 1235 01:01:10,320 --> 01:01:14,040 Speaker 1: had sex a handful of times? Well, okay, First of all, 1236 01:01:14,120 --> 01:01:17,320 Speaker 1: one in three people have herpes. It's very very common, 1237 01:01:17,760 --> 01:01:21,000 Speaker 1: and you can only spread herpes when you have an outbreak, 1238 01:01:21,400 --> 01:01:24,200 Speaker 1: which you'll know that you have. You know, and they're sure. 1239 01:01:24,360 --> 01:01:26,760 Speaker 1: There are times where people don't know they're having an outbreak, 1240 01:01:26,800 --> 01:01:29,360 Speaker 1: but as a woman, it's pretty obvious when you're having 1241 01:01:29,360 --> 01:01:32,600 Speaker 1: an outbreak and just like a man their penis, it 1242 01:01:32,680 --> 01:01:34,760 Speaker 1: shows up on their penis. There's like a bump and 1243 01:01:34,800 --> 01:01:38,080 Speaker 1: a redness. So I've dated a guy who has had herpes, 1244 01:01:38,320 --> 01:01:40,520 Speaker 1: and as long as you're forthcoming about it, if the 1245 01:01:40,560 --> 01:01:43,440 Speaker 1: person can't get past it, then like, I don't know 1246 01:01:43,520 --> 01:01:45,440 Speaker 1: what to tell you, Like they have to get past it. 1247 01:01:46,000 --> 01:01:47,880 Speaker 1: I got past it. It was not an issue for me. 1248 01:01:48,120 --> 01:01:49,840 Speaker 1: I was like, thanks for telling me. You know, I 1249 01:01:49,920 --> 01:01:53,120 Speaker 1: get it, and that's all you can do is give 1250 01:01:53,240 --> 01:01:56,000 Speaker 1: him your honesty. So I don't know what to say 1251 01:01:56,080 --> 01:01:57,480 Speaker 1: to that. I mean, I don't know how you can 1252 01:01:57,520 --> 01:02:01,200 Speaker 1: coerce him into staying horror are feeling more attractive if 1253 01:02:01,280 --> 01:02:04,280 Speaker 1: he if he's paranoid about catching herpes, other than giving 1254 01:02:04,360 --> 01:02:07,440 Speaker 1: him the education and and make and you know, looking 1255 01:02:07,480 --> 01:02:09,840 Speaker 1: it up for him and reading to him exactly when 1256 01:02:10,280 --> 01:02:13,040 Speaker 1: they are. The times are that he can catch that 1257 01:02:13,200 --> 01:02:16,000 Speaker 1: from you. Because you can easily be in a relationship 1258 01:02:16,040 --> 01:02:18,120 Speaker 1: with somebody who has herpes and not catch it from them. 1259 01:02:18,880 --> 01:02:20,760 Speaker 1: You can be in a relationship with someone has herpes 1260 01:02:21,160 --> 01:02:23,200 Speaker 1: and not know it, because most people who have herpes 1261 01:02:23,240 --> 01:02:26,720 Speaker 1: aren't even aware that they have herpies. And unlike people 1262 01:02:26,760 --> 01:02:28,840 Speaker 1: who have herpes and don't know it, I would say 1263 01:02:28,880 --> 01:02:32,120 Speaker 1: to the caller, you can take steps to protect your partner. 1264 01:02:32,800 --> 01:02:36,120 Speaker 1: So you can take valocyclovia, which is an antiretroviral medication 1265 01:02:36,240 --> 01:02:40,920 Speaker 1: which can make you less infectious and make outbreaks less common. 1266 01:02:41,040 --> 01:02:44,280 Speaker 1: Is that valtras? I think so? Yeah, I think so. 1267 01:02:44,480 --> 01:02:48,240 Speaker 1: That's what's its full name. And so you know, if 1268 01:02:48,280 --> 01:02:51,160 Speaker 1: I was talking to your boyfriend, what I would tell almost, Okay, 1269 01:02:51,240 --> 01:02:54,320 Speaker 1: worst case scenario, you can tract herpes. You're not going 1270 01:02:54,400 --> 01:02:57,640 Speaker 1: to die. Most people who have herpees have one outbreak 1271 01:02:57,880 --> 01:03:01,600 Speaker 1: and then never as beer an outbreak, sometimes never again 1272 01:03:01,640 --> 01:03:05,760 Speaker 1: another outbreak, and your odds of getting herpies if you 1273 01:03:05,800 --> 01:03:09,400 Speaker 1: guys are taking simple precautions, are very low. And so 1274 01:03:09,640 --> 01:03:11,880 Speaker 1: I would say to the caller's boyfriend, like, you have 1275 01:03:11,960 --> 01:03:14,520 Speaker 1: to decide is the risk of herpes worth being with 1276 01:03:14,680 --> 01:03:17,880 Speaker 1: this person? And if you're just so paranoid that you 1277 01:03:18,080 --> 01:03:21,520 Speaker 1: can't risk that, have the decency to break up with 1278 01:03:21,600 --> 01:03:23,440 Speaker 1: this person rather than every time you have sex with 1279 01:03:23,520 --> 01:03:25,600 Speaker 1: this person making them feel terrible which is what he's 1280 01:03:25,600 --> 01:03:27,919 Speaker 1: doing to the caller. And caller you have to ask 1281 01:03:27,920 --> 01:03:29,919 Speaker 1: yourself how long you're going to put up with that? Yeah, 1282 01:03:30,280 --> 01:03:32,840 Speaker 1: I mean, it's really not a big deal. It's it's 1283 01:03:32,920 --> 01:03:35,560 Speaker 1: not a big deal in my opinion. I dated guys 1284 01:03:35,600 --> 01:03:38,040 Speaker 1: who are HIV positive back when contracting h of E 1285 01:03:38,120 --> 01:03:40,440 Speaker 1: meant you were going to die in eighteen months or 1286 01:03:40,480 --> 01:03:44,080 Speaker 1: two years. And I didn't make them feel like they 1287 01:03:44,160 --> 01:03:49,240 Speaker 1: were nuclear waste or toxic. And I wouldn't have dated 1288 01:03:49,320 --> 01:03:50,800 Speaker 1: them and they wouldn't have put up with me as 1289 01:03:50,800 --> 01:03:53,040 Speaker 1: a boyfriend had I made them feel that way. I 1290 01:03:53,120 --> 01:03:55,360 Speaker 1: had to relax and accept what the risk I was 1291 01:03:55,440 --> 01:03:58,160 Speaker 1: running being in that relationship. And that's what your boyfriend 1292 01:03:58,200 --> 01:04:00,720 Speaker 1: has to accept the risk and relax and be with 1293 01:04:00,840 --> 01:04:04,240 Speaker 1: you or fuck off, and there's no middle ground. I 1294 01:04:04,400 --> 01:04:09,280 Speaker 1: like that. Yeah, I agree, I agree? Or fuck off. Yeah, 1295 01:04:09,400 --> 01:04:12,000 Speaker 1: that's got this woman's boyfriend makes me mad, and that 1296 01:04:12,080 --> 01:04:14,640 Speaker 1: this woman thinks that it's something that she needs to 1297 01:04:14,720 --> 01:04:16,720 Speaker 1: fix when he's the one with the with the problem, 1298 01:04:16,800 --> 01:04:18,680 Speaker 1: when he's the one who has some work to do here. 1299 01:04:20,160 --> 01:04:21,560 Speaker 1: You know, women are always the ones who are like 1300 01:04:21,600 --> 01:04:23,440 Speaker 1: convinced they have to nurture and tinker and if they 1301 01:04:23,520 --> 01:04:25,080 Speaker 1: just like say the right thing, do the right thing, 1302 01:04:25,480 --> 01:04:27,760 Speaker 1: they can fix the shitty guy. And he's kind of 1303 01:04:27,800 --> 01:04:31,600 Speaker 1: being a shitty guy with his dick right now, and 1304 01:04:32,080 --> 01:04:35,720 Speaker 1: like he needs to get past it. And maybe just 1305 01:04:36,320 --> 01:04:38,760 Speaker 1: sometimes you only learn about something like herpes after you 1306 01:04:38,840 --> 01:04:40,920 Speaker 1: date somebody with herpes, and that's what gets you past it. 1307 01:04:41,560 --> 01:04:43,880 Speaker 1: And so just five months in that you might need 1308 01:04:43,920 --> 01:04:46,760 Speaker 1: to educate him. Okay, we will allow for that. But 1309 01:04:46,840 --> 01:04:49,320 Speaker 1: if he can't be educated or refuses to be educated, 1310 01:04:49,400 --> 01:04:53,200 Speaker 1: we can't calm down, can't relax, can't love you show 1311 01:04:53,360 --> 01:04:59,480 Speaker 1: him the door. Amen. Wow, well that was easy. Our 1312 01:04:59,560 --> 01:05:03,320 Speaker 1: last que sin comes from Brad, he says, Dear Chelsea, 1313 01:05:03,640 --> 01:05:05,600 Speaker 1: my name is Brad and I'm thirty five years old, 1314 01:05:05,720 --> 01:05:08,480 Speaker 1: happily married to my husband of five years, together for 1315 01:05:08,640 --> 01:05:12,000 Speaker 1: thirteen years. My sister lives in Texas with her three sons, 1316 01:05:12,120 --> 01:05:14,840 Speaker 1: along with the rest of my family there eleven eight 1317 01:05:15,040 --> 01:05:17,360 Speaker 1: and six. My husband and I try to get out 1318 01:05:17,360 --> 01:05:19,400 Speaker 1: and see them at least once a year, or sometimes more. 1319 01:05:19,800 --> 01:05:22,560 Speaker 1: On our most recent trip, we quickly realized they had 1320 01:05:22,640 --> 01:05:26,480 Speaker 1: developed a new habit of calling each other gay. We've 1321 01:05:26,520 --> 01:05:28,960 Speaker 1: never hid from them the fact that we're married, love 1322 01:05:29,040 --> 01:05:31,880 Speaker 1: each other sleep in the same bed. However, we've never 1323 01:05:31,920 --> 01:05:34,160 Speaker 1: been a part of any serious conversation with them about 1324 01:05:34,200 --> 01:05:37,640 Speaker 1: what it means to be gay. So my first thought was, okay, ship, 1325 01:05:37,800 --> 01:05:40,280 Speaker 1: they heard someone say gay in a derogatory way and 1326 01:05:40,360 --> 01:05:42,040 Speaker 1: are now using it like we all did back in 1327 01:05:42,080 --> 01:05:44,280 Speaker 1: the nineties. I think I know how to go about 1328 01:05:44,320 --> 01:05:47,720 Speaker 1: that conversation. Then I realized that they were actually using 1329 01:05:47,760 --> 01:05:51,960 Speaker 1: the term quote correctly, meaning you are acting gay, which 1330 01:05:52,080 --> 01:05:54,800 Speaker 1: broke broke my heart. My husband and I were so 1331 01:05:54,960 --> 01:05:56,960 Speaker 1: shocked and had no idea what to say to them. 1332 01:05:57,800 --> 01:06:00,760 Speaker 1: My relationship with my sister is on a fragile side. 1333 01:06:01,040 --> 01:06:02,840 Speaker 1: We got into a major fight after I yelled at 1334 01:06:02,880 --> 01:06:06,240 Speaker 1: her kids point taken. It's not my place, but now 1335 01:06:06,320 --> 01:06:09,160 Speaker 1: I find myself in this situation. Her boys did this 1336 01:06:09,280 --> 01:06:11,920 Speaker 1: on several occasions in front of her, my mom, and 1337 01:06:12,080 --> 01:06:15,680 Speaker 1: my dad. No one said anything, so I started saying, guys, 1338 01:06:15,720 --> 01:06:17,880 Speaker 1: please stop saying that. You know what upsets me, and 1339 01:06:17,920 --> 01:06:20,360 Speaker 1: I've told you this before. I thought maybe that would 1340 01:06:20,360 --> 01:06:22,640 Speaker 1: trigger a reaction from my sister or mom or dad 1341 01:06:22,680 --> 01:06:25,360 Speaker 1: for that matter, but still no one said anything, So 1342 01:06:25,480 --> 01:06:28,880 Speaker 1: of course the boys completely ignored me. My dad their 1343 01:06:28,920 --> 01:06:32,040 Speaker 1: grandpa is also gay. They have another gay uncle on 1344 01:06:32,120 --> 01:06:34,280 Speaker 1: their dad's side, So why has no one had this 1345 01:06:34,400 --> 01:06:36,960 Speaker 1: conversation with them? How do I bring this up with 1346 01:06:37,040 --> 01:06:39,840 Speaker 1: my family in a non confrontational way. I have no 1347 01:06:40,080 --> 01:06:43,640 Speaker 1: idea how to bring it up without making my sister mad. Sincerely, 1348 01:06:43,800 --> 01:06:50,360 Speaker 1: Brad and Alex. Suck your sister, Dan, Why don't you 1349 01:06:50,440 --> 01:06:53,920 Speaker 1: take this one. I already did fuck your sister, make 1350 01:06:54,000 --> 01:06:56,800 Speaker 1: er mad. Have a confrontation, screaming y'all, blow the funk 1351 01:06:56,880 --> 01:07:01,160 Speaker 1: up that you're prioritizing your sister's feelings. Correct your kids 1352 01:07:01,360 --> 01:07:06,480 Speaker 1: when they insult you in front of your sister, defend yourself, 1353 01:07:06,560 --> 01:07:09,560 Speaker 1: defend your husband, defend your dad, and talk to them, 1354 01:07:09,680 --> 01:07:14,520 Speaker 1: and don't be inhibited by your sister's homophobic bullshit. And 1355 01:07:15,320 --> 01:07:18,360 Speaker 1: you know it takes a village to raise decent kids. 1356 01:07:18,520 --> 01:07:21,080 Speaker 1: And if a kid says something in your family, says 1357 01:07:21,120 --> 01:07:23,200 Speaker 1: something homophobic in front of you, says something racist in 1358 01:07:23,280 --> 01:07:25,400 Speaker 1: front of you, says something misogynistic in front of you, 1359 01:07:26,160 --> 01:07:32,200 Speaker 1: speak the fuck up. Don't defer to the dumbest bigot 1360 01:07:32,280 --> 01:07:34,200 Speaker 1: in the room. When this instance happens to be your 1361 01:07:34,200 --> 01:07:38,040 Speaker 1: own sister. M hmm, yeah, she probably thinks the behaviors innocuous, 1362 01:07:38,120 --> 01:07:40,520 Speaker 1: but like, where has she been for the last five years? 1363 01:07:40,600 --> 01:07:42,640 Speaker 1: Like that behavior should be nipped the bud The minute 1364 01:07:42,680 --> 01:07:45,080 Speaker 1: a child is saying anything like that should be nipped 1365 01:07:45,080 --> 01:07:48,160 Speaker 1: to the bud, especially if you have family members that 1366 01:07:48,200 --> 01:07:51,240 Speaker 1: are gay, Like it's so disrespectful to have to be 1367 01:07:51,360 --> 01:07:53,800 Speaker 1: there and hear that. But I would lay it out, 1368 01:07:53,880 --> 01:07:56,360 Speaker 1: you know, I wouldn't. I mean, I don't think there's 1369 01:07:56,360 --> 01:07:58,720 Speaker 1: a lot of results that come from a major blowout 1370 01:07:58,760 --> 01:08:00,240 Speaker 1: all the time. So I would lay it out in 1371 01:08:00,280 --> 01:08:02,240 Speaker 1: an email and just say just so you know, like 1372 01:08:02,360 --> 01:08:05,400 Speaker 1: this has been my life experience and how deeply offensive 1373 01:08:05,480 --> 01:08:08,000 Speaker 1: it is to not only hair your children talk like 1374 01:08:08,160 --> 01:08:10,840 Speaker 1: that when you have gay family members, but to also 1375 01:08:10,960 --> 01:08:14,080 Speaker 1: not say anything to them and leave me to correct them. 1376 01:08:14,440 --> 01:08:16,640 Speaker 1: What an onus that is? How can you do that? 1377 01:08:16,760 --> 01:08:19,439 Speaker 1: You yelled at me for trying to parent them once, 1378 01:08:19,800 --> 01:08:22,360 Speaker 1: yet you want to be absolved of any parenting. How 1379 01:08:22,400 --> 01:08:24,120 Speaker 1: do you think it makes me feel to come over 1380 01:08:24,200 --> 01:08:26,800 Speaker 1: and have little children making fun of a lifestyle, like 1381 01:08:26,880 --> 01:08:28,560 Speaker 1: they're not going to grow up in this world and 1382 01:08:28,600 --> 01:08:31,439 Speaker 1: get away with that behavior. So there's a lot of 1383 01:08:31,479 --> 01:08:33,160 Speaker 1: points you can make in that email, but I think 1384 01:08:33,200 --> 01:08:35,320 Speaker 1: it should just come from a place of hurt and 1385 01:08:35,640 --> 01:08:37,920 Speaker 1: asking her like, where's the line? When are you going 1386 01:08:38,000 --> 01:08:40,200 Speaker 1: to say something to them? It's been established that that's 1387 01:08:40,240 --> 01:08:44,040 Speaker 1: an inappropriate use of language. Calling somebody gay or telling 1388 01:08:44,080 --> 01:08:47,800 Speaker 1: somebody that they're acting gay is not cool anymore. And 1389 01:08:47,880 --> 01:08:50,000 Speaker 1: your fear is the uncle like worst case scenario is 1390 01:08:50,040 --> 01:08:52,240 Speaker 1: that you won't get to see your nephews or your 1391 01:08:52,240 --> 01:08:54,200 Speaker 1: sister for a while. If you stand up for yourself. 1392 01:08:54,960 --> 01:08:57,519 Speaker 1: Is that the worst case scenario here that you don't 1393 01:08:57,520 --> 01:08:59,599 Speaker 1: have to hang out with your homopublic sister and her 1394 01:09:00,120 --> 01:09:02,720 Speaker 1: now homophobic children who will one day hopefully apologize to you. 1395 01:09:03,439 --> 01:09:06,880 Speaker 1: That is not a bad outcome if they can't treat 1396 01:09:06,920 --> 01:09:09,599 Speaker 1: you with kindness, decency, and respect you and your husband. 1397 01:09:10,040 --> 01:09:12,640 Speaker 1: So stick up for yourself and don't be inhibited by 1398 01:09:12,640 --> 01:09:15,000 Speaker 1: the fear of the worst case scenario coming to pass 1399 01:09:15,080 --> 01:09:16,560 Speaker 1: that you don't have to do. You don't have to 1400 01:09:16,640 --> 01:09:19,479 Speaker 1: see these people for a while. How would you have 1401 01:09:19,640 --> 01:09:21,479 Speaker 1: that conversation with the kids If he is going to 1402 01:09:21,520 --> 01:09:25,439 Speaker 1: approach the subject with his nephews easily, I mean sitting 1403 01:09:25,479 --> 01:09:27,439 Speaker 1: down with them and explaining, hey, I'm a gay man. 1404 01:09:27,640 --> 01:09:30,800 Speaker 1: Your grandfather is a gay man. It's very disrespectful to 1405 01:09:30,920 --> 01:09:33,560 Speaker 1: cure you talking about that in terms that a you 1406 01:09:33,600 --> 01:09:36,880 Speaker 1: don't even really understand yet. These are little children, So 1407 01:09:37,040 --> 01:09:39,160 Speaker 1: the conversation with the child would be easier than with 1408 01:09:39,240 --> 01:09:41,679 Speaker 1: the adult because she's going to be defensive about her parenting, 1409 01:09:42,920 --> 01:09:45,320 Speaker 1: and she might think that you can't tell kids they 1410 01:09:45,320 --> 01:09:47,200 Speaker 1: shouldn't use gay in that way, because then you're gonna 1411 01:09:47,200 --> 01:09:49,960 Speaker 1: have to have a conversation about gay sex. And if 1412 01:09:50,000 --> 01:09:52,320 Speaker 1: a kid is using gay in that way, well then 1413 01:09:52,560 --> 01:09:55,639 Speaker 1: you might have to have a conversation about that acknowledges 1414 01:09:55,680 --> 01:09:57,519 Speaker 1: the existence of gay sex, just as you probably had 1415 01:09:57,560 --> 01:09:59,720 Speaker 1: a conversation with those same kids. Acknowledging the assistance of 1416 01:09:59,760 --> 01:10:02,200 Speaker 1: straight sucks because the kid they have already asked their 1417 01:10:02,200 --> 01:10:05,320 Speaker 1: parents where babies come from, and if they're old enough 1418 01:10:05,360 --> 01:10:07,439 Speaker 1: to be told that, they're old enough to know that 1419 01:10:08,120 --> 01:10:10,160 Speaker 1: gay people have sex for all the same reasons straight 1420 01:10:10,200 --> 01:10:12,720 Speaker 1: people do, except once or twice when straight people try 1421 01:10:12,720 --> 01:10:15,479 Speaker 1: to get pregnant. You know, sex is mostly for pleasure, 1422 01:10:15,920 --> 01:10:18,000 Speaker 1: and some people are sexually attracted to members of their 1423 01:10:18,000 --> 01:10:20,680 Speaker 1: same sex for the same reasons some people are attracted 1424 01:10:20,720 --> 01:10:23,519 Speaker 1: to members of the opposite sex. And you can definitely 1425 01:10:23,600 --> 01:10:26,920 Speaker 1: have that conversation with a child who's using gay as 1426 01:10:26,960 --> 01:10:29,880 Speaker 1: an insult. I found my nieces and nephews at that 1427 01:10:30,040 --> 01:10:32,640 Speaker 1: age they are such parrots and they're just parroting the 1428 01:10:32,680 --> 01:10:35,479 Speaker 1: behavior that they see. When my nieces or nephews have 1429 01:10:35,560 --> 01:10:39,120 Speaker 1: said something that to me is troubling, that feels borderline, 1430 01:10:39,360 --> 01:10:41,120 Speaker 1: and I have expressed to them, like, you know what, 1431 01:10:41,200 --> 01:10:43,559 Speaker 1: it's actually it's actually better to do things this way. 1432 01:10:43,600 --> 01:10:46,160 Speaker 1: It's actually better to be more accepting. It's it's cooler 1433 01:10:46,200 --> 01:10:49,880 Speaker 1: to be this way. They flip flop real fast, and 1434 01:10:49,960 --> 01:10:52,559 Speaker 1: they just because they're hearing a different perspective and suddenly 1435 01:10:52,600 --> 01:10:54,200 Speaker 1: they're like, oh wait, it's cool to be friends with 1436 01:10:54,240 --> 01:10:56,200 Speaker 1: that person. Oh wait, it's better to not use that 1437 01:10:56,280 --> 01:10:58,760 Speaker 1: type of language. I would never do that. They flip up. 1438 01:10:58,760 --> 01:11:02,360 Speaker 1: We're all real fast. So well, Brad and Alex's best 1439 01:11:02,520 --> 01:11:06,040 Speaker 1: of luck and let us know how that conversation it goes. Yeah, 1440 01:11:06,080 --> 01:11:08,679 Speaker 1: good luck with that. Yeah, we'll take a quick break 1441 01:11:08,760 --> 01:11:16,840 Speaker 1: and be right back. Okay, Dan and I just are 1442 01:11:16,920 --> 01:11:19,880 Speaker 1: taking a quick bottom break and top break, and I'm 1443 01:11:19,920 --> 01:11:21,840 Speaker 1: the bottom and he's the top, and now we're back 1444 01:11:22,880 --> 01:11:27,320 Speaker 1: and now we're a sandwich. Excellent. Well, Dan, I hear 1445 01:11:27,400 --> 01:11:30,320 Speaker 1: you have some advice you'd like to get from Chelsea. Oh, 1446 01:11:30,320 --> 01:11:31,960 Speaker 1: I thought you're gonna say advice you'd like to give 1447 01:11:32,040 --> 01:11:35,720 Speaker 1: to Chelsea. Yeah, And usually people will come on and 1448 01:11:35,800 --> 01:11:38,920 Speaker 1: ask for advice for themselves from Chelsea. But your producer 1449 01:11:39,080 --> 01:11:41,120 Speaker 1: let me know that there are a few questions sometimes 1450 01:11:41,160 --> 01:11:43,280 Speaker 1: that have you stumped, and you wanted to bring one 1451 01:11:43,280 --> 01:11:47,080 Speaker 1: of your stumpers on to ask Chelsea about that question. 1452 01:11:47,680 --> 01:11:52,320 Speaker 1: The question today comes from experienced. She says, Hi Dan, 1453 01:11:52,640 --> 01:11:55,320 Speaker 1: I'm a forty one year old bisexual female living in 1454 01:11:55,400 --> 01:11:59,719 Speaker 1: the rural Pacific Northwest. I'm somewhat recently divorced and getting 1455 01:11:59,760 --> 01:12:02,400 Speaker 1: back into the dating scene. I keep running into this 1456 01:12:02,520 --> 01:12:05,120 Speaker 1: problem over and over. Where I match with someone, things 1457 01:12:05,160 --> 01:12:09,599 Speaker 1: are going fantastic, conversations flowing, and inevitably the talk turns 1458 01:12:09,640 --> 01:12:13,760 Speaker 1: to sexual compatibility. I'm an experienced woman, and I'm proud 1459 01:12:13,840 --> 01:12:15,639 Speaker 1: of all the fun I've had in my life. I've 1460 01:12:15,680 --> 01:12:18,800 Speaker 1: played safe and feel very fulfilled. If someone asked me 1461 01:12:18,960 --> 01:12:21,080 Speaker 1: what's my number and I had to slap a number 1462 01:12:21,160 --> 01:12:25,160 Speaker 1: on it, I'd say eighties or nineties, maybe more. And 1463 01:12:25,360 --> 01:12:28,280 Speaker 1: every time I'm talking or texting or on a date 1464 01:12:28,320 --> 01:12:31,400 Speaker 1: with someone, one of three things happens. Either they drop 1465 01:12:31,439 --> 01:12:33,680 Speaker 1: off the face of the planet. And that's fine. I'm 1466 01:12:33,720 --> 01:12:37,240 Speaker 1: not everybody's cup of tea two. I'm no longer seen 1467 01:12:37,280 --> 01:12:40,760 Speaker 1: as someone who is datable, just fuckable. Talk of any 1468 01:12:40,880 --> 01:12:44,360 Speaker 1: dating or romance just completely drops off. But more often 1469 01:12:44,400 --> 01:12:47,240 Speaker 1: than not, this usually leads to conversations with gentlemen of 1470 01:12:47,360 --> 01:12:51,320 Speaker 1: their own fantasies, their own desires. But every time they 1471 01:12:51,439 --> 01:12:53,400 Speaker 1: just drop off the phase of the planet. They're no 1472 01:12:53,560 --> 01:12:56,360 Speaker 1: longer interested in dating me. They ghost me. It's just 1473 01:12:56,520 --> 01:13:00,040 Speaker 1: done and gone. Anyway, Help me, Dan, I'm trying to 1474 01:13:00,120 --> 01:13:02,320 Speaker 1: figure out how I can be seen as someone who's 1475 01:13:02,360 --> 01:13:05,759 Speaker 1: both datable, worthy of love and romance, but also someone 1476 01:13:05,840 --> 01:13:09,400 Speaker 1: who is really great and bad with gobs of experience 1477 01:13:09,600 --> 01:13:13,160 Speaker 1: that I have to bring to the table. Help How 1478 01:13:13,280 --> 01:13:15,599 Speaker 1: can she be seen a worthy of love and romance 1479 01:13:15,760 --> 01:13:18,879 Speaker 1: as well as scorching hot sex while still being honest? 1480 01:13:19,960 --> 01:13:21,560 Speaker 1: So I thought this would be a fun one to 1481 01:13:21,600 --> 01:13:25,840 Speaker 1: share with Chelsea, because sex with more than one person. 1482 01:13:26,240 --> 01:13:28,839 Speaker 1: Thank you for putting it that way, putting it so mildly. 1483 01:13:29,280 --> 01:13:30,920 Speaker 1: First of all, you don't need to frontload all of 1484 01:13:31,000 --> 01:13:33,560 Speaker 1: that information into meeting somebody on the first on the 1485 01:13:33,640 --> 01:13:36,040 Speaker 1: first date, like that's not necessary for them to know, 1486 01:13:36,600 --> 01:13:38,640 Speaker 1: just like it's not necessary for you to divulge your 1487 01:13:38,760 --> 01:13:41,360 Speaker 1: entire childhood to somebody that you meet for the first time. 1488 01:13:41,760 --> 01:13:44,439 Speaker 1: And it's not lying. It's first of all, developing a 1489 01:13:44,520 --> 01:13:47,000 Speaker 1: connection with somebody and developing a trust. So if you 1490 01:13:47,040 --> 01:13:49,120 Speaker 1: want to date somebody, you have to get to know 1491 01:13:49,280 --> 01:13:51,320 Speaker 1: that person and they have to get to know you. 1492 01:13:51,880 --> 01:13:55,559 Speaker 1: And getting to know somebody means not frontloading every single 1493 01:13:55,640 --> 01:13:58,240 Speaker 1: thing that's ever happened to you on the first date. 1494 01:13:58,320 --> 01:14:01,439 Speaker 1: It's just unnecessary. You know, there's no intrigue there, there's 1495 01:14:01,479 --> 01:14:04,840 Speaker 1: no getting to know somebody, so you don't have to 1496 01:14:05,320 --> 01:14:08,040 Speaker 1: come out with all of that. You just have to 1497 01:14:08,120 --> 01:14:12,160 Speaker 1: go on a date, like you're not auditioning for a 1498 01:14:12,320 --> 01:14:15,479 Speaker 1: job and putting out this kind of resume, Like that's 1499 01:14:15,479 --> 01:14:18,679 Speaker 1: not an obligation. You're not lying. You're getting to know someone, 1500 01:14:18,800 --> 01:14:23,000 Speaker 1: and in time, when you feel trusting and trusted, you 1501 01:14:23,120 --> 01:14:26,439 Speaker 1: can reveal more about your personal history and your sexual history, 1502 01:14:26,880 --> 01:14:29,519 Speaker 1: and when the time is appropriate. But that time is 1503 01:14:29,600 --> 01:14:33,160 Speaker 1: definitely not in the first few dates with somebody. You're 1504 01:14:33,160 --> 01:14:36,640 Speaker 1: dealing with men who are fragile, and that is a generalization, 1505 01:14:37,080 --> 01:14:39,240 Speaker 1: but it's applicable to a lot of men. Men are 1506 01:14:39,360 --> 01:14:42,040 Speaker 1: very fragile, and while the right person will be okay 1507 01:14:42,120 --> 01:14:45,000 Speaker 1: with that information, there's no reason to give that that 1508 01:14:45,400 --> 01:14:48,400 Speaker 1: information away on the first date. Let somebody grow to 1509 01:14:48,560 --> 01:14:51,760 Speaker 1: understand you and respect you and have feelings for you, 1510 01:14:52,160 --> 01:14:54,439 Speaker 1: and then you can give out the that information if 1511 01:14:54,479 --> 01:14:57,240 Speaker 1: it's completely necessary for you to do that. If you 1512 01:14:57,360 --> 01:14:59,519 Speaker 1: feel like you have to give out that information, great, 1513 01:14:59,760 --> 01:15:01,680 Speaker 1: But there's no rule saying that you have to tell 1514 01:15:01,720 --> 01:15:05,320 Speaker 1: everybody everything about your past, even somebody you're dating. You 1515 01:15:05,360 --> 01:15:07,560 Speaker 1: don't necessarily have to tell that person. You want to 1516 01:15:07,560 --> 01:15:10,360 Speaker 1: be respectful and you want to be honest, Like if 1517 01:15:10,400 --> 01:15:12,360 Speaker 1: you have herpies, you want to tell that person. Yeah, 1518 01:15:12,360 --> 01:15:15,000 Speaker 1: I've heardpies. But saying you've had sex with ninety people 1519 01:15:15,160 --> 01:15:18,600 Speaker 1: just seems extraneous. And group sex and kinky sex all 1520 01:15:18,680 --> 01:15:20,560 Speaker 1: on the first date. Yeah, yeah, all of it is 1521 01:15:20,640 --> 01:15:22,960 Speaker 1: just better left for the person that is going to 1522 01:15:23,080 --> 01:15:25,400 Speaker 1: be able to digest that. My advice to her was 1523 01:15:25,479 --> 01:15:27,559 Speaker 1: to slow her role, and that's your advice too. Yeah, 1524 01:15:27,600 --> 01:15:29,600 Speaker 1: slow your role is great. Just leave it at that. 1525 01:15:29,800 --> 01:15:34,120 Speaker 1: Slow your role. And the thing about having a lot 1526 01:15:34,160 --> 01:15:35,920 Speaker 1: of sexual experience as a woman and a man, having 1527 01:15:35,960 --> 01:15:38,680 Speaker 1: a problem with that you're the caller is disclosing all 1528 01:15:38,720 --> 01:15:40,720 Speaker 1: of that right away, and then men are ghosting her. 1529 01:15:41,439 --> 01:15:43,280 Speaker 1: And if she let a guy get to know her 1530 01:15:43,360 --> 01:15:45,599 Speaker 1: and then this came up and then they like had 1531 01:15:45,680 --> 01:15:48,600 Speaker 1: that conversation where they talk about, you know, their experiences, 1532 01:15:49,360 --> 01:15:51,360 Speaker 1: he may, if he's the type of guy who would 1533 01:15:51,360 --> 01:15:53,800 Speaker 1: gohost on the first date, knowing all of that, he 1534 01:15:53,960 --> 01:15:57,240 Speaker 1: may have to reassess his feelings and assumptions and prejudices 1535 01:15:57,280 --> 01:15:59,760 Speaker 1: about more sexual experienced women if he knows you better, 1536 01:16:00,240 --> 01:16:02,519 Speaker 1: if he knows you well enough to like say to 1537 01:16:02,720 --> 01:16:05,320 Speaker 1: to then question himself about the assumptions he might have 1538 01:16:05,360 --> 01:16:08,600 Speaker 1: made about a sexually experienced woman having gotten to know you. 1539 01:16:09,680 --> 01:16:11,840 Speaker 1: And that's often what really helps people get past their 1540 01:16:11,880 --> 01:16:14,719 Speaker 1: prejudices when it comes to dating and sex is getting 1541 01:16:14,720 --> 01:16:16,640 Speaker 1: to know somebody and then finding out more about them 1542 01:16:16,640 --> 01:16:20,800 Speaker 1: and then thinking, okay, well, my you know what I 1543 01:16:20,880 --> 01:16:23,519 Speaker 1: thought about, you know, people who are HIV positive, what 1544 01:16:23,560 --> 01:16:25,320 Speaker 1: I thought about people who did or used to do 1545 01:16:25,640 --> 01:16:27,839 Speaker 1: or are doing sex work, what I thought about whatever, 1546 01:16:28,120 --> 01:16:29,880 Speaker 1: what I thought about dating someone other therapies. I'm gonna 1547 01:16:29,880 --> 01:16:32,800 Speaker 1: have to rethink that because I have gotten to know 1548 01:16:33,120 --> 01:16:35,800 Speaker 1: this person, and of course you should disclose everything. Somebody 1549 01:16:35,840 --> 01:16:37,800 Speaker 1: has a right to know, so they can, you know, 1550 01:16:37,880 --> 01:16:40,840 Speaker 1: make informed consent before being sexually active with you. But 1551 01:16:40,960 --> 01:16:44,639 Speaker 1: they don't have to know everything right away. Yeah, there's 1552 01:16:44,680 --> 01:16:46,800 Speaker 1: no investment on the first date. It's easy, it is 1553 01:16:46,840 --> 01:16:49,000 Speaker 1: to reject someone if you don't like their lifestyle or 1554 01:16:49,000 --> 01:16:51,880 Speaker 1: their previous history. And like think like Chelsea, if you 1555 01:16:51,960 --> 01:16:53,080 Speaker 1: were on a first date with a guy and he 1556 01:16:53,160 --> 01:16:55,200 Speaker 1: suddenly told you the exact number of people you've had 1557 01:16:55,240 --> 01:16:56,960 Speaker 1: sex with, all the different kinds of sex he's had 1558 01:16:57,000 --> 01:16:59,920 Speaker 1: with these people. Even if you were like into the 1559 01:17:00,040 --> 01:17:02,639 Speaker 1: at and your number was as high or higher, wouldn't 1560 01:17:02,640 --> 01:17:05,800 Speaker 1: you be like, that's kind of bad judgment. Like you 1561 01:17:06,000 --> 01:17:07,920 Speaker 1: obviously have no filter, and what you want on the 1562 01:17:08,000 --> 01:17:10,120 Speaker 1: first date is like a good time and to see 1563 01:17:10,120 --> 01:17:13,880 Speaker 1: somebody has like a filter. Yeah, absolutely a filter. Filter. 1564 01:17:14,120 --> 01:17:18,120 Speaker 1: Slow your role and get a filter, yes, absolutely. Okay, 1565 01:17:18,160 --> 01:17:19,760 Speaker 1: Well there was a lot of sex talk today, Dan, 1566 01:17:19,800 --> 01:17:23,800 Speaker 1: I attribute that to your presence. Well, I really enjoyed it. 1567 01:17:23,840 --> 01:17:25,680 Speaker 1: I always loved sex talks, so yeah, I do. I 1568 01:17:25,760 --> 01:17:28,800 Speaker 1: love your advice too. It's nice, nice and straight. Thank 1569 01:17:28,840 --> 01:17:30,720 Speaker 1: you so much. It was a pleasure to spend time 1570 01:17:30,760 --> 01:17:33,080 Speaker 1: with you. Again. I really appreciate you coming on the podcast. 1571 01:17:33,439 --> 01:17:35,320 Speaker 1: My pleasure. Thank you for inviting me or I really 1572 01:17:35,400 --> 01:17:38,000 Speaker 1: enjoyed it and you give great advice to Thanks Dan, 1573 01:17:38,120 --> 01:17:43,080 Speaker 1: I'll see you soon hopefully. Okay, Thanks Dan, bye bye. 1574 01:17:43,920 --> 01:17:46,200 Speaker 1: And if you'd like to get advice from Chelsea and 1575 01:17:46,280 --> 01:17:49,839 Speaker 1: one of her guests, please write into Dear Chelsea Project 1576 01:17:50,280 --> 01:17:51,360 Speaker 1: at gmail dot com