Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central. Wow, tonight, I want to
Speaker 1: talk about the scariest topic you'll ever hear about on
Speaker 1: the campaign trail, the Southern Border. Sorry, that was the
Speaker 1: wrong sound effect. The Southern border say, I'm not so scary.
Speaker 1: It's all about how you frame it, because whenever Americans
Speaker 1: hear about the border, it's always so negative. But the
Speaker 1: truth is, America's southern border has a rich history, steeped
Speaker 1: and cross cultural poll nation because for thousands of years
Speaker 1: that area has been the grand central station of the continent.
Speaker 1: In fact, for over a century, America had no barrier
Speaker 1: at all on its border, and when they finally put
Speaker 1: one up, it had nothing to do with people. In
Speaker 1: the early nineteen hundreds, ticks are causing disease among cows
Speaker 1: and rural areas. Those cows are crossing back and forth
Speaker 1: over the border, so the first ever border fence is
Speaker 1: actually built to keep cows from spreading disease. That's right,
Speaker 1: the first border fence was to keep out ticks. It's
Speaker 1: the one time it wasn't racist to say we got
Speaker 1: to stop these filled the animals from coming over here.
Speaker 1: And that's just one of the many things people get
Speaker 1: wrong when it comes to America's southern border. So I
Speaker 1: thought tonight you could separate border myths from border facts
Speaker 1: and another installment of long Story Short. Look, we can
Speaker 1: talk about numbers or figures or demographics, but the immigration
Speaker 1: debate is never about facts. It's about fear. Hordes of
Speaker 1: machetti wielding illegals are poring over the borders to take
Speaker 1: your job and put fittanol in your guacamole. That's why
Speaker 1: it's always called extra yo. This type of rhetoric isn't
Speaker 1: meant to solve any problems. It's meant to dehumanize immigrants
Speaker 1: into zombie criminals, because then all you'll want to do
Speaker 1: is build the wall, the phrase made famous by the
Speaker 1: man who might have to hold his next inauguration in
Speaker 1: prison cafeteria. Most illegal immigration is coming from our southern border.
Speaker 1: We will build a great wall, and we will stop
Speaker 1: illegal immigration for good. We'll build a wall. Folks, don't
Speaker 1: even worry about to go to sleep. Go home, Go
Speaker 1: to sleep. Rest is shut. Go to sleep, Go to sleep.
Speaker 1: This is the worst bedtime story ever. Now one of
Speaker 1: these kids alf not to here. Trump tell it a
Speaker 1: wall would put a stop to illegal immigration. But that's
Speaker 1: a myth because the truth is these days, a majority
Speaker 1: of undocumented immigrants come into the country legally and they're
Speaker 1: all they just overstay their visas. That means most illegal
Speaker 1: immigration doesn't start at the Rio Grande, starts at the airport,
Speaker 1: between the centerbutton and the baggage clan and by the
Speaker 1: way down, Trump, of all people, I thought you would
Speaker 1: understand wanting to stay longer than you're supposed to. Yep.
Speaker 1: And here's another myth, because for some demogogues, brown people
Speaker 1: come in America isn't scary enough on its own, So
Speaker 1: there's one specific type of immigrant that they want to
Speaker 1: scare you about. The drug smugglers, illegal immigrants from Mexico
Speaker 1: who are trafficking these pills that look like candy for
Speaker 1: children into the country. They're carrying drugs on their back
Speaker 1: and they're bringing fentnyl. Those people are bringing in fentanyl,
Speaker 1: which is killing thousands of Americans every month. It's not
Speaker 1: like fentanyl walks across the border by itself, comes with
Speaker 1: illegal immigrants. Of course, fednyl doesn't walk across the border
Speaker 1: by itself. Do you know the street value of fentanyl?
Speaker 1: That bitch drives a caddy. But yeah, they want to
Speaker 1: scare you about the hordes of criminals coming across the
Speaker 1: border to profit off of our opioid crises, which is
Speaker 1: messed up because that's what we have pharmaceutical companies for it.
Speaker 1: But the truth is that only point zero two percent
Speaker 1: of people arrested by border patrol for crossing illegally had
Speaker 1: fentanyl on them. But guess who is being arrested for
Speaker 1: smuggling fentanyl American citizens. They're eighty six percent of convicted
Speaker 1: Fendel traffickers. So when you think about fednyl trafficker, think
Speaker 1: less about this and more about this. Bro. Dude, I
Speaker 1: got fednyl off my ass, I got in my ears,
Speaker 1: I got up my nose. I wish I had another arfice,
Speaker 1: I'd pack it up full of fednol. But you know
Speaker 1: how it goes, bro. And here's a bigger point I'm
Speaker 1: trying to make. The vast, vast majority of undocumented immigrants
Speaker 1: do not sell drugs. They do not shoot people, they
Speaker 1: do not commit terrorism, they do not commit any crimes.
Speaker 1: They're human beings searching for a better life and they
Speaker 1: don't want and they don't want to get in trouble,
Speaker 1: especially since they don't want to get caught and be deported.
Speaker 1: I'm the same way when I'm in when I'm a
Speaker 1: guest in someone's house, I'm on my best behavior. I
Speaker 1: take off my shoes, I hauled in my farts, I'd
Speaker 1: bring a bottle of savignon blanc. But then when I'm
Speaker 1: in my own house and I'm in the living room
Speaker 1: terrorizing the couch of my bare balls, that's a different
Speaker 1: story that we shot that before I shaped the beard job. Anyway,
Speaker 1: here's another These demagogues say that migrants are stealing American jobs.
Speaker 1: When you have a wide open border and you've got
Speaker 1: millions of illegal aliens coming into our country, where do
Speaker 1: you think those people are gonna do. They're gonna go
Speaker 1: take jobs that could have otherwise been American jobs. Millions
Speaker 1: of American jobs are disappearing at the hands of illegal immigrants.
Speaker 1: Joe Biden's five million illegal aliens are on the verge
Speaker 1: of replacing you, replacing your jobs. Yeah, these immigrants are
Speaker 1: taken all the jobs, food jobs, farm jobs, steve jobs,
Speaker 1: all of them. These demogogs want you to believe that
Speaker 1: if you lost your job, it's not because of corporate
Speaker 1: outsourcing or automation, or the destruction of unions, or cost
Speaker 1: cutting to maximize profits for shareholders. No, it's Jose's fault.
Speaker 1: Shame on New Jose. But the truth is, undocumented immigrants
Speaker 1: are mostly filling jobs that Americans have no interest in doing.
Speaker 1: I mean, now you gonna tell me there are Americans
Speaker 1: just lining up wishing they could pick vegetables in the
Speaker 1: sun all the livelong day. America is a trip. Man.
Speaker 1: First you didn't want to do any of the field work,
Speaker 1: and now you want to do all the field work.
Speaker 1: Make up your goddamn mine. All right, So, long story short,
Speaker 1: we can debate about the border, but what we can't
Speaker 1: do is dehumanize these people. That's not going to lead
Speaker 1: to the right policies. That's only going to lead to tragedy.
Speaker 1: So the next time you hear people scaremongering about the water,
Speaker 1: remember they're not preaching facts. They're promoting fear. And that's
Speaker 1: the only wall they've built, the one between themselves and reality.
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