WEBVTT - My Ph.D. in Crack: A Beauty Queen's Rise and Fall 0:00:04.480 --> 0:00:07.480 The purpose of my life at that point in time 0:00:08.920 --> 0:00:14.680 was to experiment and do it as madly and crazily 0:00:14.680 --> 0:00:24.840 as possible without any limits. And welcome to another asy confidential. 0:00:25.400 --> 0:00:31.080 I'm your host, Eugene S. Robinson. And today we got 0:00:31.280 --> 0:00:36.040 something special. We got a multi linguist that we could 0:00:36.040 --> 0:00:39.000 do this interview in in Swedish. We could do that 0:00:39.000 --> 0:00:41.360 in German, could do it English. I think we'll default 0:00:41.360 --> 0:00:47.839 to English. Uh. Former beauty queen, former Swedish royal tractor 0:00:47.960 --> 0:00:53.320 down outside of Stockholm, in a town called es Caltoona Worldwide, 0:00:53.400 --> 0:00:58.600 Nietzsche scholar. I'm not finished that I mentioned the Swedish 0:00:58.680 --> 0:01:00.840 royal partner beauty queen, but I think I did that. 0:01:00.880 --> 0:01:05.160 I mentioned the pH d and the workwo on Nietzsche. 0:01:05.400 --> 0:01:09.320 Did I mention that? Or the professorial gig at a 0:01:09.880 --> 0:01:15.880 Tony East Coast University? But then things got strange stranger. 0:01:17.280 --> 0:01:19.840 You know, we're gonna let her tell it. Let's call 0:01:19.880 --> 0:01:23.640 her up. See what she has to say, Ladies and gentlemen. 0:01:24.400 --> 0:01:40.680 One Ms Josephine, knock off, Hello Josephine. Okay, you you 0:01:41.360 --> 0:01:43.560 get here of me? So we we are six thousand 0:01:43.560 --> 0:01:45.880 miles away. Now now where were you exactly give us 0:01:45.959 --> 0:01:48.080 give us a location, like where are you physically in 0:01:48.160 --> 0:01:53.360 time and space? I am located about the same um 0:01:53.920 --> 0:02:01.120 latitude as anchored Alaska, Stockholm, a little bit um east there. 0:02:04.160 --> 0:02:07.960 So I mispronounced I mispronounced it terribly. I pronounced it 0:02:08.160 --> 0:02:11.320 eskil Tuna. Is that wrong? Where I put the I 0:02:11.360 --> 0:02:13.560 put the emphasis in the wrong place? What does it 0:02:13.600 --> 0:02:22.959 say it again? And town town? I would have I 0:02:22.960 --> 0:02:26.400 would have assumed it had something to do with canned fish. Alright, alright, 0:02:26.440 --> 0:02:29.359 so all right, so let's back up a bit. Let's 0:02:29.400 --> 0:02:32.320 let's look. I gave you an intro, so you got 0:02:32.360 --> 0:02:34.840 you So you got the rocket ride through Stanford. You 0:02:34.919 --> 0:02:38.079 end up getting the PhD from was it University of Pennsylvania? 0:02:38.160 --> 0:02:42.359 That I have that right? So now after you get 0:02:42.360 --> 0:02:45.600 the PhD, I don't know, not having a PhD myself, 0:02:45.680 --> 0:02:48.080 I don't Is it like the army? You go where 0:02:48.080 --> 0:02:51.040 they they? You know, when you get an assignment as 0:02:51.080 --> 0:02:54.720 a tenured how does it? How does it work? Academically speaking? 0:02:54.960 --> 0:02:58.200 So you got your PhD, you're in the University of Pennsylvania. 0:02:58.680 --> 0:03:00.520 You have to pick where you go next today? Pick 0:03:00.600 --> 0:03:03.760 you do you pick them? How did it happen. Oh no, no, no, 0:03:04.040 --> 0:03:06.520 that I do not pick anybody. They picked made. We 0:03:06.560 --> 0:03:09.839 go to the a p A convention American Philosophical Association, 0:03:10.760 --> 0:03:14.919 and it's like a horror house. I mean, I have 0:03:15.120 --> 0:03:19.119 people just walking around prosecuting themselves and getting interviews, and 0:03:19.680 --> 0:03:23.840 I did you know, a few interviews and wake Forest 0:03:24.040 --> 0:03:28.320 was the one that went really well. I did have 0:03:28.360 --> 0:03:31.520 a few other good interviews too, but they're the ones 0:03:31.600 --> 0:03:34.720 who finally ended up offering me a job of the 0:03:34.840 --> 0:03:39.200 system considered philosophy. And I was going to be there 0:03:39.320 --> 0:03:44.600 content scholar because Emmanuel Kant was the philosopher that I did. 0:03:44.720 --> 0:03:49.200 I PhD in his ethics, you know, the categorical imperative 0:03:49.400 --> 0:03:52.600 and act only in such a way that you can 0:03:52.600 --> 0:03:56.240 make your maximum into universal law. That's what he stamous for. 0:03:57.120 --> 0:04:00.360 I'm sure you've read Kant, how don't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, 0:04:00.440 --> 0:04:03.160 I have. But now I got this confused. I think 0:04:03.200 --> 0:04:06.040 that the Namas book threw me off because I assumed 0:04:06.040 --> 0:04:10.840 that it was Nietzsche. No, no, I loved me too too, 0:04:10.880 --> 0:04:13.720 I mean I did. I fell a most FLOSSI in Stanford, 0:04:13.920 --> 0:04:17.520 and I got attracted to the University of Pennsylvania as 0:04:17.560 --> 0:04:20.320 my grad school because partly because of Namas, you know, 0:04:20.440 --> 0:04:24.560 I did faull Is hard. I fell hard in love 0:04:24.640 --> 0:04:28.080 with Nietzsche when I was eighteen, and it was just like, 0:04:28.520 --> 0:04:32.160 oh this is it just broke the shackles of all 0:04:32.200 --> 0:04:35.680 the whole political correct and stuff that was going on 0:04:35.800 --> 0:04:42.160 back then. Three um. But then I found love with 0:04:42.279 --> 0:04:46.520 Kant too. I mean, I love philosophy and the university. 0:04:46.640 --> 0:04:53.160 University of Pennsylvania, Uh, Ploss department had both a con scholar, 0:04:53.279 --> 0:04:57.960 Paul Guyer, who ended up being my advisor, and Nahamas 0:04:58.080 --> 0:05:01.240 before he went over to Princeton. And when he did 0:05:01.640 --> 0:05:04.640 move to Princeton, there's like a whole camp of us, 0:05:04.760 --> 0:05:10.159 you know, trusty philosophy students driving over to Princeton every 0:05:10.200 --> 0:05:13.400 week too to go to his classes. They're ready to 0:05:13.120 --> 0:05:18.240 take take some classes with mammas too. He's a charismatic man. 0:05:18.760 --> 0:05:24.160 So so it was Hitler, But I don't know why 0:05:24.160 --> 0:05:31.120 I said that. It seemed appropriate. Uh So, okay, so 0:05:31.279 --> 0:05:33.920 you end up in North Carolina, which is where wake 0:05:34.040 --> 0:05:37.040 Forest is, right, so you've got for Sweden to California 0:05:37.120 --> 0:05:41.239 to North Carolina. That seems like a sort of culture mismatch, 0:05:41.320 --> 0:05:44.760 but it could just be my northern bias, right. I 0:05:44.800 --> 0:05:48.839 am used to moving. I am being moving human being. 0:05:49.560 --> 0:05:53.040 So it wasn't a big deal for me to move. 0:05:53.120 --> 0:05:59.520 But going to North Carolina was actually sort of traumatizing 0:06:00.279 --> 0:06:06.400 because of the strong religious element and the fact that 0:06:07.200 --> 0:06:12.000 Wimston Salem were really small town and I stood out 0:06:12.040 --> 0:06:14.680 like a sore thumb I did. I mean, not not 0:06:14.760 --> 0:06:18.320 in a bad way, but they they did pay attention 0:06:18.360 --> 0:06:21.040 to me. I'm not going to start looking like a 0:06:21.200 --> 0:06:23.800 becret carry just because I live in with the Salem 0:06:24.960 --> 0:06:27.960 you know. I had my bron Madonna Harridu and my 0:06:28.040 --> 0:06:31.520 little mini skirts, and I taught philosophy and I go 0:06:31.600 --> 0:06:34.599 in to restaurant and be like, oh, you're the new 0:06:34.680 --> 0:06:39.800 philosophy professor at Wimson. How do you guys even know me? 0:06:40.000 --> 0:06:44.599 I was thinking to myself, it made me very uncomfortable, 0:06:44.839 --> 0:06:48.480 but it was a small town and I did receive me, well, 0:06:49.200 --> 0:06:51.720 they really did. That seems that seems to me to 0:06:51.760 --> 0:06:55.560 be a sort of a function of fame, right, Like, 0:06:56.279 --> 0:06:59.200 so you were I mean, was it you were uncomfortable 0:06:59.200 --> 0:07:01.200 with the notice? It's seems like it would have been pleasing. 0:07:01.520 --> 0:07:04.760 Oh yeah, but I wasn't. After fame at that point 0:07:04.760 --> 0:07:10.720 in my life. I was into um intellectual you know, 0:07:10.760 --> 0:07:18.640 a scholarly academic thing. I was not into people recognizing 0:07:18.680 --> 0:07:20.920 me wherever I went. You were there for how long? 0:07:21.000 --> 0:07:24.840 So you moved there. It's kind of traumatizing. But you're 0:07:24.840 --> 0:07:28.200 adjusting or you're not adjusting, or what happens. I did 0:07:29.200 --> 0:07:33.640 enjoy teaching, I really did, and I got used to, 0:07:34.840 --> 0:07:38.240 you know, making a good name for myself, and the 0:07:38.320 --> 0:07:40.760 students loved me, and I was a good teacher and 0:07:40.880 --> 0:07:45.200 a faculty received really well. So it sounds it sounds 0:07:45.240 --> 0:07:48.280 like a pretty good deal. Oh, a totally good deal. 0:07:48.720 --> 0:07:52.600 It was such a great deal. And if I hadn't, 0:07:53.720 --> 0:07:57.240 you know, and it's not really a matter of where 0:07:57.720 --> 0:08:01.800 where I was, I would have probably he felt empty 0:08:02.240 --> 0:08:07.280 and in need of something more anywhere in the world. 0:08:07.840 --> 0:08:14.200 No external, uh context could have cured my inner need. 0:08:15.040 --> 0:08:18.080 So what was going on? What was going on? I 0:08:18.160 --> 0:08:22.400 had this in a yearning for meaning. I met a 0:08:22.640 --> 0:08:31.000 bartender who was connected to the cocaine scene. Because when 0:08:31.200 --> 0:08:34.480 the Salem was like, if you make a bee line 0:08:34.520 --> 0:08:37.559 from Florida up to New York, Winston sounds pretty much 0:08:37.559 --> 0:08:42.360 in the middle. So the cocaine shipments they were pretty clean, 0:08:42.800 --> 0:08:46.400 you know. When they got to Winston and through him, 0:08:46.440 --> 0:08:51.760 I started doing cocaine and it was there was a 0:08:51.800 --> 0:08:56.079 good ship. And we only did it in the weekends. 0:08:56.760 --> 0:09:00.120 And then he got back to his job and I 0:09:00.200 --> 0:09:02.400 have my job during the week but I only had 0:09:02.440 --> 0:09:06.240 to work like a whole of six hours a week, 0:09:07.640 --> 0:09:10.160 but a lot of free time on my hands. And 0:09:10.200 --> 0:09:12.400 I did have a lot of money because my job, 0:09:12.480 --> 0:09:16.239 it was very well paid. I was expected to do research. 0:09:17.440 --> 0:09:19.360 I don't know, I have a quick mind. I did 0:09:19.440 --> 0:09:23.520 manage to do the research and teaching and a lot 0:09:23.559 --> 0:09:29.120 of cocaine. So it became kind of twenty four seven 0:09:29.240 --> 0:09:31.920 kind of activity for me. You were teaching, so you 0:09:31.960 --> 0:09:37.000 were functioning, right, you were showing up. I mean yeah, yeah, yeah. 0:09:37.040 --> 0:09:40.160 And that was into my what was it, second or 0:09:40.400 --> 0:09:45.800 third year teaching. It's a blur, but I did. I 0:09:45.800 --> 0:09:51.880 did start doing cocaine and teaching successfully. And I know 0:09:52.000 --> 0:09:57.680 they hate me um for this. Uh, they are really 0:09:57.720 --> 0:10:01.720 mad at me the university for stilling the beans in 0:10:01.760 --> 0:10:06.200 this way. But I did function and I did really well, 0:10:06.360 --> 0:10:09.800 and the stinks loved me. And I am so then 0:10:09.840 --> 0:10:13.480 what what what what happened? How did this? I mean 0:10:13.480 --> 0:10:15.520 it's it sounds. It sounds to me like that's a 0:10:15.559 --> 0:10:18.160 prescription for success. I mean, not the one that everybody 0:10:18.200 --> 0:10:21.160 should use. But you're teaching students. Love you, You're there, 0:10:21.240 --> 0:10:24.079 You've made a home in whit and Salem. What's the problem. 0:10:24.240 --> 0:10:31.840 The problem became me. I couldn't just snort, you know, 0:10:31.920 --> 0:10:35.760 dofy lines and out of my little baggy with my 0:10:35.920 --> 0:10:38.080 key bomp you. I don't know. I had that little 0:10:38.120 --> 0:10:44.000 baggy straw in the ladies room before class. That wasn't enough. 0:10:44.240 --> 0:10:48.880 I turned to crack and that became a lot harder 0:10:48.920 --> 0:10:53.480 to do in the women's room, but I still managed 0:10:53.520 --> 0:10:58.680 to do to smoke crack and teaching. Um. Bizarrely enough, 0:10:59.520 --> 0:11:01.559 you didn't you would you would you go to your 0:11:01.559 --> 0:11:03.560 car or your office to smoke or where would you go? 0:11:04.240 --> 0:11:07.640 I know I didn't. I wasn't. I wasn't ever, you know, 0:11:07.679 --> 0:11:12.160 because people have these illusions about crack addiction where it's like, 0:11:12.320 --> 0:11:13.920 you know, you have to have it, you have to 0:11:13.960 --> 0:11:16.839 have it, like every half hour you go Brasil. It's 0:11:16.880 --> 0:11:20.320 not heroin. I mean heroin, that's what you know. You 0:11:20.400 --> 0:11:24.199 do your picks to get well crack you do it too. 0:11:25.040 --> 0:11:29.760 You know, have fun or to feel attentive and alert, 0:11:31.160 --> 0:11:33.320 and I was able to stay alert. You know, my 0:11:33.400 --> 0:11:36.680 problem was my nerves I had. I've always been high 0:11:36.679 --> 0:11:41.280 strung and sensitive, hyper sensitive, and the crack made me 0:11:41.360 --> 0:11:44.400 kind of relax. But when I had to go to teach, 0:11:44.600 --> 0:11:47.480 you know, I wouldn't wake up and smoke crack. I 0:11:47.480 --> 0:11:50.400 woke up and we went to class and taught, and 0:11:50.559 --> 0:11:54.920 then I came home and smoke my crack. So it 0:11:55.120 --> 0:11:59.000 was crack. Is it's not a heroine or it's not 0:11:59.120 --> 0:12:03.520 it's not physical drugs, it's psychological. And I do not 0:12:03.679 --> 0:12:10.920 regret for one second my drug addition. I don't why not? 0:12:11.120 --> 0:12:15.440 Why not? I do not. It was a trip into 0:12:15.520 --> 0:12:19.520 the underworld that my soul because I do believe in 0:12:19.520 --> 0:12:23.760 the soul. Now now that I don't do analytic philosophy, 0:12:23.800 --> 0:12:27.880 I gets to believe in the soul. I don't have 0:12:27.960 --> 0:12:33.439 to be a materialist and empursist anymore. Um, my soul 0:12:33.480 --> 0:12:38.120 had this deeper calling and I was pulled into this 0:12:38.640 --> 0:12:42.480 exploratory thing, like I crossed the river sticks and went 0:12:42.920 --> 0:12:46.280 down into the underworld, and I stayed there for a 0:12:46.360 --> 0:12:50.960 few years while teaching. So so do you think that 0:12:51.040 --> 0:12:54.040 people you worked with had any sense at all or 0:12:54.080 --> 0:12:56.640 are none. I have been caught with a d U 0:12:56.720 --> 0:13:00.760 I like a half a year earlier, and they found 0:13:01.440 --> 0:13:05.200 you know, maybe graham of shake like that I had 0:13:05.240 --> 0:13:08.000 just forgotten in my purse because it was really shitty 0:13:08.040 --> 0:13:11.560 weed and it was there. But that was the only 0:13:11.640 --> 0:13:14.440 drug charge I ever had. And I actually told the 0:13:14.520 --> 0:13:17.400 faculty about that and they're like, oh, it's all good. 0:13:18.120 --> 0:13:20.840 But then when this person called and snitched me out, 0:13:21.920 --> 0:13:25.400 they're like, oh, cocaine. And so then they made me 0:13:25.720 --> 0:13:27.520 they gave me a drug test. I was like, well, 0:13:27.920 --> 0:13:31.640 you know, I really probably if I had known my 0:13:31.800 --> 0:13:38.000 citizens rights, I probably wouldn't have taken it. Oh, but yeah, 0:13:38.160 --> 0:13:42.800 whatever I did, I did, and and I did test 0:13:42.840 --> 0:13:50.200 positive positive after uh ten days of not doing any karak. 0:13:50.280 --> 0:13:52.200 I was like, oh, no, I have to be I 0:13:52.240 --> 0:13:56.360 should be clean, definitely clean by now. But the um 0:13:57.320 --> 0:14:03.480 the drug tests are a lot more accurate when you're 0:14:03.880 --> 0:14:07.080 dealing with that kind of level of employer. Okay, so 0:14:07.120 --> 0:14:09.400 they find they find for sure that you're taking cocaine, 0:14:09.440 --> 0:14:12.280 and and what's their move at that point? Oh well 0:14:12.320 --> 0:14:15.600 then then the deans just like you know, you have 0:14:16.200 --> 0:14:20.960 a choice either resign or we fire you. So I 0:14:21.000 --> 0:14:27.600 resigned because that was technically better for me. I think, Yeah, 0:14:27.680 --> 0:14:32.000 I got the benefits. I got a year actually of 0:14:32.320 --> 0:14:35.520 almost a year of severance pay, and I had already 0:14:35.560 --> 0:14:40.280 been denied saying here, So the the actual amount of 0:14:40.840 --> 0:14:46.880 months that I was not without paid was insignificant. Not insignificant, 0:14:46.920 --> 0:14:50.720 it was I did lose very little money from being fired, 0:14:51.880 --> 0:14:57.240 but the honor and the shame has stuck with me 0:14:57.360 --> 0:15:00.560 like a huge stigmas, Like I am walking around still 0:15:01.520 --> 0:15:07.320 with this this letter on my foreheads like former cocaine 0:15:07.360 --> 0:15:13.760 at it and it's Exactually, even now as a social author, 0:15:14.600 --> 0:15:20.680 I am scared of using my name knockoffs, which I 0:15:20.800 --> 0:15:26.040 just I changed it back from my former husband my 0:15:26.080 --> 0:15:28.120 exposing with them back. Can I have that as like 0:15:28.160 --> 0:15:30.720 a cover name? I was like, oh yeah, they can't 0:15:30.760 --> 0:15:35.440 google me and find out about my horrible history. Stay 0:15:35.480 --> 0:15:42.160 tuned for more of Ozzy Confidential, where a smart people go. 0:15:46.840 --> 0:15:49.640 So if you resign, the next step, what did the 0:15:49.680 --> 0:15:53.720 next step be that you try to get another philosophy job, 0:15:54.080 --> 0:15:56.040 or or at the very least get get the hell 0:15:56.080 --> 0:15:58.880 out of Winston Salem, Like why would you stay there? 0:16:00.160 --> 0:16:04.360 I stayed there. Yeah, I was told to stop teaching 0:16:05.000 --> 0:16:08.960 UH in May, and then I went to my first rehab, 0:16:09.880 --> 0:16:15.560 which didn't work. You know, a good thing about wake 0:16:15.680 --> 0:16:19.760 Forest has they gave me the health insurance, but kept 0:16:19.800 --> 0:16:25.560 me in Winston with the health insurance because getting clean 0:16:25.720 --> 0:16:28.400 is not easy in the USA. You know, here in 0:16:28.440 --> 0:16:31.800 Sweden the state pays it. But there, you know, you 0:16:31.840 --> 0:16:33.920 have to be rich, you have to have a job 0:16:34.080 --> 0:16:37.120 to even get clean. I feel really sorry for people 0:16:37.920 --> 0:16:40.920 we're on drugs and do not have any kind of 0:16:40.960 --> 0:16:45.520 insurance that way. But I did go to that rehab 0:16:46.120 --> 0:16:51.160 and it worked. But I did meet a guy that 0:16:51.280 --> 0:16:55.520 I kept in touch with, and he um. He went 0:16:55.600 --> 0:16:58.920 to his sober living environment in Charlotte, and I went 0:16:58.960 --> 0:17:01.960 back to Winston, and I was queen and I was 0:17:02.000 --> 0:17:06.399 like al Pachi for a while. And yeah, then Phil, 0:17:06.720 --> 0:17:09.560 the guy from the rehab that I had that went 0:17:09.600 --> 0:17:14.399 to Charlotte. He relapsed and got kicked out of his 0:17:14.760 --> 0:17:18.280 sl E silver living environment and he's like, oh joke, 0:17:18.400 --> 0:17:23.720 thinking can I come live with you? I was like yeah, 0:17:24.119 --> 0:17:28.720 because I can't say no. I mean, I cannot say 0:17:28.720 --> 0:17:31.920 no to somebody in need. And so he came and 0:17:31.960 --> 0:17:37.560 lived with me and of course, then the drug abuse started, 0:17:38.560 --> 0:17:43.280 name too, addicts in one house. We're not going to 0:17:43.359 --> 0:17:48.879 stay clean off each other, seriously but not. And so 0:17:49.000 --> 0:17:53.320 we started actually, yeah, we started shooting cocaine. He was 0:17:53.359 --> 0:17:56.080 a diabetic and he got free needles, and so that 0:17:56.280 --> 0:18:01.159 was like yet another step down smoking craft down the 0:18:01.240 --> 0:18:11.639 shooting cocaine. What's the difference in the experience, Oh my god. Um, well, 0:18:13.160 --> 0:18:15.679 if you want to know from snorting down to smoking 0:18:15.880 --> 0:18:20.280 or smoking down to shooting, you shooting, well you you went. 0:18:20.560 --> 0:18:26.600 You went from smoking to shooting. Yeah, shooting as you're 0:18:27.680 --> 0:18:34.520 completely at peace and all your senses are vibrant and 0:18:34.680 --> 0:18:39.320 the auditory hallucinations are amazing and you're just like lying 0:18:39.359 --> 0:18:47.919 there smiling and everything feels so good. I think that's 0:18:48.000 --> 0:18:51.639 the closest probably do what you know, David Bowie was 0:18:51.680 --> 0:18:56.920 like talking about with heroin or something. Now I think 0:18:57.200 --> 0:18:59.480 I think I think cocaine was this thing as well, 0:18:59.560 --> 0:19:02.199 during the the Thin White Duke era. I think it 0:19:02.240 --> 0:19:05.200 was cocaine. So now, now how are you So now 0:19:05.200 --> 0:19:06.480 two of you guys are living there and went some 0:19:06.600 --> 0:19:12.200 So how are you making money? Because we need neither 0:19:12.240 --> 0:19:14.520 one of you were working at this point, right, But 0:19:14.600 --> 0:19:17.040 I still had my pay That's that's the great thing 0:19:17.040 --> 0:19:22.000 about lakes for Oh my god, I'm so sorry you guys, 0:19:22.359 --> 0:19:27.560 my my philosophy department people. I'm not gonna call you 0:19:27.600 --> 0:19:31.159 by any names, but you I expounded my coke cabin. 0:19:31.840 --> 0:19:36.800 Thank you so much. I did. I did have that paycheck, 0:19:36.880 --> 0:19:41.600 oh again, up until March. So I went from June 0:19:41.640 --> 0:19:48.560 to March on a full paycheck, and I practically shot 0:19:48.640 --> 0:19:51.040 up the cocaine. I shot it up until the money 0:19:51.119 --> 0:19:55.080 ran out. Okay, oh no, I'm not supposed to laugh. 0:19:55.119 --> 0:20:02.760 This very tragic. Uh well, what is supposed to be 0:20:02.840 --> 0:20:04.720 and what it is it could be very different things. 0:20:04.960 --> 0:20:07.720 So what happens when the money runs out? You know, 0:20:07.800 --> 0:20:13.760 I had done my share of prostitution for really shitty pay. 0:20:13.760 --> 0:20:17.560 When when as part in Carcel of being a female 0:20:17.600 --> 0:20:22.280 drug addict, Eugene, you uh put it out or you 0:20:22.359 --> 0:20:26.120 don't get your drugs at least if ye're um as 0:20:26.240 --> 0:20:30.680 gullidal as I was. I mean, I had. I had 0:20:31.080 --> 0:20:36.480 a few girlfriends who I know. I'm not even I'm 0:20:36.480 --> 0:20:38.639 not going to get involved in their sex lives or 0:20:38.680 --> 0:20:41.920 what they did with dealers. But for me, the dealers 0:20:42.240 --> 0:20:46.080 they expected to you know, get a blow job at 0:20:46.160 --> 0:20:49.399 least before they could even sell me any drugs. So 0:20:49.440 --> 0:20:55.160 the money is run out, you go through hooker stripper, Uh, 0:20:55.480 --> 0:20:57.119 you go, you go through, and then where do you 0:20:57.200 --> 0:21:00.200 end up? Well, then I was like, no, I'm not 0:21:00.200 --> 0:21:04.720 going to do that because I believe that my co 0:21:04.720 --> 0:21:11.640 addiction was partly maybe six addiction, and I'm not ashamed 0:21:11.680 --> 0:21:14.480 of that. I don't regret it, you know, for me, 0:21:14.800 --> 0:21:18.840 if I had, I never considered myself a prostitute. That's 0:21:18.880 --> 0:21:26.360 the bizarre thing about the term prostitution. I um, apparently, okay, 0:21:26.520 --> 0:21:31.560 this is how I have come to see this. I 0:21:31.600 --> 0:21:37.760 felt so ashamed about doing drugs that obviously clearly I 0:21:37.840 --> 0:21:40.959 had to do all kinds of demeaning things with my 0:21:41.000 --> 0:21:44.720 own body in order to get drugs. And who would 0:21:44.800 --> 0:21:49.000 I have been to uh expect anything in return, because 0:21:49.080 --> 0:21:58.920 I am just addict and a whore and a female. 0:22:01.200 --> 0:22:05.639 So Josephine ends up and a better rehab, a nicer one, 0:22:05.680 --> 0:22:12.639 a better fit day program, and she emerges from it clean. 0:22:14.040 --> 0:22:20.480 But what we don't know is it Phil, the guy 0:22:20.520 --> 0:22:24.160 that she's been shooting up within North Carolina, had somehow 0:22:24.240 --> 0:22:29.080 put together the wherewithal to follow her three thousand miles 0:22:29.080 --> 0:22:33.480 and is there when she gets out. So the first 0:22:33.480 --> 0:22:35.960 thing we do and I got out of rehab was 0:22:36.200 --> 0:22:38.840 get a six pack of bed Wiser and sit there 0:22:38.880 --> 0:22:42.760 at the boardwalk and look out at the ocean and 0:22:43.119 --> 0:22:48.520 drink our beers and then uh, oh, I really have 0:22:48.640 --> 0:22:52.400 to go into this. Yes, he got jealous. I mean 0:22:52.440 --> 0:22:55.439 he was an ugly drunk. I was not, you know, 0:22:56.200 --> 0:23:00.320 and so he at one one night that her he 0:23:00.680 --> 0:23:02.960 got jealous. He thought that I was flirting with a guy, 0:23:03.000 --> 0:23:05.520 and he just grabbed my head like there's a potato 0:23:05.560 --> 0:23:11.080 so I can slam me up against them marble pillar, uh, 0:23:12.160 --> 0:23:17.320 very edge edge, and my skull cracked up as like 0:23:17.400 --> 0:23:22.480 there's blood all over the pavement and I've kind of 0:23:22.520 --> 0:23:27.359 like standing there's blood dripping everywhere. And then the ambulances 0:23:27.400 --> 0:23:31.960 were there and the cops and I end up getting 0:23:32.000 --> 0:23:34.680 like sixteen staples in my head and I hear them 0:23:34.840 --> 0:23:38.640 rolling him in at the R two. He's like, I'm 0:23:38.680 --> 0:23:42.760 so sorry. I was like, I only wanted to say, 0:23:42.880 --> 0:23:49.280 is you are you are forgiven? But I didn't have 0:23:49.359 --> 0:23:53.520 the energy to say anything. And the cops, while they 0:23:53.520 --> 0:23:56.040 were interviewing me there at the at the hospital, bed, 0:23:56.080 --> 0:23:59.840 there's like, this is the ugliest domestic violence. Incidentally, every 0:24:00.040 --> 0:24:05.679 scene there was so much blood. So yeah, and a 0:24:05.720 --> 0:24:09.600 few weeks later, I don't know now it's a few 0:24:09.600 --> 0:24:11.840 months later. I mean I got into a new s 0:24:11.920 --> 0:24:16.440 m E. Phil got into his other fly and I 0:24:16.560 --> 0:24:21.000 stay clean. He did not. He started shooting heroin and 0:24:21.480 --> 0:24:26.920 suddenly he died of an overdose. And I just fell 0:24:27.040 --> 0:24:28.919 to the floor what they called me in the morning, 0:24:33.000 --> 0:24:42.480 crying and and it was very glad, kind of was like, yeah, 0:24:42.520 --> 0:24:45.119 that's that's what drugs can can do to a person. 0:24:46.200 --> 0:24:50.840 How old was he? He was about forty two, So 0:24:51.040 --> 0:24:55.000 was this was this this like in movie terms, this 0:24:55.040 --> 0:24:57.040 would have served kind of as a as a wake 0:24:57.119 --> 0:25:01.399 up call for you change your ways? I mean in 0:25:01.480 --> 0:25:04.840 movie terms, is that what happened in real life? For yeah, 0:25:04.880 --> 0:25:09.840 it did. That's right, it did. It totally did. That's right. 0:25:10.560 --> 0:25:14.360 It made me just be like, okay, even though heroin 0:25:14.560 --> 0:25:17.280 was my druging choice, and I know he drank heroin, 0:25:18.000 --> 0:25:21.040 he drank a lot of vodka and combined it with heroin, 0:25:21.160 --> 0:25:28.040 which will kill a person. Uh like relaxed saying on 0:25:28.240 --> 0:25:32.639 cocaine was not even you know, in my list of 0:25:32.720 --> 0:25:39.000 choices by that because I didn't want to go I 0:25:39.000 --> 0:25:43.520 didn't want to go there. And then and then kept 0:25:43.560 --> 0:25:49.080 going to a m and started study feeling strongly in 0:25:49.160 --> 0:25:57.520 by itself. And Yeah, happy, I started being happy. I 0:25:57.520 --> 0:26:00.639 could be happy, which is something I haven't been like 0:26:00.760 --> 0:26:07.000 genuinely for a long time. So that sounds good. Yeah, 0:26:07.359 --> 0:26:12.960 happiness is a real tricky thing. So you're clean, You're 0:26:12.960 --> 0:26:16.119 feeling happy. Um, this sounds like a good thing. It 0:26:16.200 --> 0:26:20.120 sounds like a positive, super healthy development. You're clean. There's 0:26:20.119 --> 0:26:24.120 a clarity. Um right, things continue to get better from 0:26:24.160 --> 0:26:28.840 there or or or not. Yeah. I was loving life. 0:26:28.960 --> 0:26:31.320 I was living in a beautiful s l e up 0:26:31.359 --> 0:26:35.800 in Santa CA's mountains. And yeah, and then I fell 0:26:35.840 --> 0:26:39.800 in love with the father of my oldest daughter. Take 0:26:40.160 --> 0:26:46.000 a mutual friend introduced us, and we started to hang out, 0:26:47.640 --> 0:26:50.840 you know, very innocently in the beginning, just like doing 0:26:51.000 --> 0:26:57.119 bike rides and sunset like along the coastline. That's very 0:26:57.280 --> 0:27:04.359 romantic at the beginning, very romantic. And it was pt 0:27:04.560 --> 0:27:11.960 keen for a while. He uh was HIV positive, however, 0:27:12.840 --> 0:27:21.040 and I kept on pretending like I was commune to HIV, 0:27:22.160 --> 0:27:25.080 which I don't know if I am but I believed 0:27:25.119 --> 0:27:27.680 I was so that would give me an excuse for 0:27:28.240 --> 0:27:32.919 uh having undepicted sex with Jake, because Jake was afraid 0:27:32.920 --> 0:27:36.919 that I would break up with him because of this obviously, 0:27:37.280 --> 0:27:39.919 you know, I mean, who wants to keep an HIV 0:27:40.119 --> 0:27:42.960 positive boyfriend? But I did. I was like, I'm in 0:27:43.040 --> 0:27:46.159 love with you. I'm in love with you. For me, 0:27:46.440 --> 0:27:49.240 life is about taking risk. You have no idea what's 0:27:49.240 --> 0:27:53.840 going to happen. But I've always taken risks. I am 0:27:53.920 --> 0:27:57.600 a huge risk taker. You unburden him essentially, you say 0:27:57.720 --> 0:28:02.240 I love you. Uh, you know, probably wish you could 0:28:02.240 --> 0:28:04.280 have told me sooner, or maybe you said something like that. 0:28:04.320 --> 0:28:07.200 I don't know, but you get you get by it right. 0:28:07.960 --> 0:28:14.520 I didn't even think about holding him accountable. I didn't. 0:28:15.119 --> 0:28:18.880 I did not even go there. There's something and like 0:28:18.960 --> 0:28:22.320 some conviction in my soul. That's all I can explain 0:28:22.400 --> 0:28:27.480 it through. My soul is just like you are you. 0:28:27.480 --> 0:28:31.120 You cannot be hurt, you cannot be harmed. Do it. 0:28:31.600 --> 0:28:34.119 Call it what you so you will, you know, you 0:28:34.119 --> 0:28:41.160 can call it crazy, drug hounding, feending. But there was 0:28:41.240 --> 0:28:44.640 this crazy pull of my soul just being like it's 0:28:44.760 --> 0:28:49.320 okay to do this and so I have a theory 0:28:49.360 --> 0:28:54.840 about why I did all this drug sex, high risk taking. 0:28:56.240 --> 0:29:02.200 It was my life mission is the purpose of my 0:29:02.280 --> 0:29:08.080 life at that point in time, was to experiment and 0:29:08.160 --> 0:29:14.560 do it as madly and crazily as possible without any limits. 0:29:15.440 --> 0:29:19.360 And I did it, and I came through. I'm not 0:29:19.440 --> 0:29:23.920 going to advise anybody else to do it, but for me, 0:29:24.840 --> 0:29:30.000 I'm you know, thanking God, right, I'm thanking good. I 0:29:30.120 --> 0:29:35.000 on my angels and guys that they enough contact to 0:29:35.120 --> 0:29:39.920 me to help me feel secure, because at no point 0:29:40.040 --> 0:29:43.560