1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:26,759 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:31,480 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, New listeners, old listeners. Wherever 6 00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:34,120 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is great to have 7 00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:38,720 Speaker 1: you here. Back for another episode. Today, we're covering a 8 00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:43,400 Speaker 1: really valuable idea in psychology and one that has become 9 00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:47,919 Speaker 1: increasingly i would say, more recognized. Maybe you've seen it 10 00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:52,280 Speaker 1: on your TikTok on Instagram, in the news. It's this 11 00:00:52,479 --> 00:00:58,120 Speaker 1: idea of hyper independence. I am so fascinated by this 12 00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:02,640 Speaker 1: concept because I think is possibly one of the most 13 00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:08,400 Speaker 1: celebrated traits in our society, particularly in Western cultures. We 14 00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:11,840 Speaker 1: love the idea of people who are self made, who 15 00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:15,280 Speaker 1: pay their own bills, who solo travel, who appear like 16 00:01:15,319 --> 00:01:18,320 Speaker 1: they don't need anyone but themselves, And I think a 17 00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:23,240 Speaker 1: healthy level of independence and self confidence is amazing. It's 18 00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:26,960 Speaker 1: something that we should all strive for. But when it 19 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:31,560 Speaker 1: goes too far, we enter the territory of hyper independence. 20 00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:38,480 Speaker 1: This is this extreme discomfort around allowing others to help 21 00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:42,800 Speaker 1: us to step into our lives and maybe make it easier. 22 00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:47,880 Speaker 1: We become so invested in our self reliance and our 23 00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:51,760 Speaker 1: self sufficiency that we push others away and we self isolate. 24 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:58,040 Speaker 1: A lot of the research nowadays says that hyperindependence is 25 00:01:58,360 --> 00:02:02,960 Speaker 1: actually a trauma response or a survival trait that a 26 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:07,320 Speaker 1: lot of us have adopted due to early childhood experiences 27 00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:11,720 Speaker 1: feeling like we needed to grow up way too quickly, 28 00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:17,480 Speaker 1: or being consistently let down by others, particularly our caregivers, 29 00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:23,600 Speaker 1: but also romantic partners or friends. These experiences are so 30 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:30,240 Speaker 1: distressing that we turn to extreme independence to avoid having 31 00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:33,240 Speaker 1: to rely on others or trust them out of that 32 00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:37,280 Speaker 1: fear of being hurt or let down, and a lot 33 00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:41,560 Speaker 1: of the time I think society somewhat encourages this behavior 34 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:46,240 Speaker 1: without realizing what it actually means. This has so many 35 00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:51,680 Speaker 1: complex interactions with how we pursue relationships, how we approach 36 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:55,040 Speaker 1: our work. It may come as no surprise that people 37 00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:58,240 Speaker 1: who are hyper independent are more likely to be seen 38 00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:02,960 Speaker 1: as overachievers, but also how we experience love and trust. 39 00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:08,720 Speaker 1: It's also really interesting because hyper independent people are actually 40 00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:13,600 Speaker 1: more likely to seek out codependent partnerships, which if you 41 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:17,600 Speaker 1: listened to our episode on this you'll know is equally 42 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:22,160 Speaker 1: as complex and maladaptive. It really goes to show how 43 00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:26,960 Speaker 1: much our attachment influences the people that we choose to 44 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:30,200 Speaker 1: be with, not just romantically, but the friends we choose 45 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:34,639 Speaker 1: to have our relationships with family. So today I want 46 00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:38,800 Speaker 1: to talk about the role of hyperindependence as a trauma 47 00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:42,640 Speaker 1: response and explore some of the origins of this behavior, 48 00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:49,680 Speaker 1: from emotional neglect to parentification, abandonment, and early relationship experiences 49 00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:55,640 Speaker 1: of course, but also the role of individualism and cultural expectations. 50 00:03:56,320 --> 00:04:00,640 Speaker 1: We're also going to dive into how we can achieve 51 00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:05,920 Speaker 1: a healthy level of independence through exposure, therapy and inner 52 00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:09,000 Speaker 1: child healing, an all time favorite of mine. As we know, 53 00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:12,640 Speaker 1: this is a jam packed episode, but I will admit 54 00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:16,359 Speaker 1: some of the research and studies have definitely called me 55 00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:21,159 Speaker 1: out and really made me pause and examine perhaps some 56 00:04:21,279 --> 00:04:26,080 Speaker 1: of my own hyperindependent tendencies. I think you'll be surprised 57 00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:30,440 Speaker 1: by how many of us actually fit this profile. So 58 00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:35,560 Speaker 1: without further ado, we are going to explore the psychology 59 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:40,280 Speaker 1: of hyperindependence in our twenties and how we can recognize 60 00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:49,120 Speaker 1: this behavior and heal. So let's get into it. We 61 00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:53,760 Speaker 1: typically see independence as a great thing, a really admirable 62 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:58,039 Speaker 1: asset or personality trait, especially in our twenties, when I 63 00:04:58,040 --> 00:05:01,400 Speaker 1: think independence is something we're all striving for, to be 64 00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:05,600 Speaker 1: separate from our parents, to be creating our own identity, 65 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:09,520 Speaker 1: building our own unique path. A lot of the positive 66 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:14,040 Speaker 1: associations we see attached to this are really valid. To 67 00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:17,040 Speaker 1: be independent is to be self sufficient, have a healthy 68 00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:20,200 Speaker 1: sense of your identity. You pay your own bills, you 69 00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:23,200 Speaker 1: take care of yourself, you don't rely on others for 70 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:26,400 Speaker 1: emotional reassurance. That's something that I think we can all 71 00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:31,000 Speaker 1: get behind. However, too much of a good thing can 72 00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:35,160 Speaker 1: sometimes be bad for us, and with anything that is 73 00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:41,039 Speaker 1: excessive or unbalanced, when independence goes too far, perhaps due 74 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:45,120 Speaker 1: to a trauma response or early learning experiences, we have 75 00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:50,680 Speaker 1: this hyperindependence, or what we also call counter dependency. When 76 00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:54,720 Speaker 1: we are hyper independent, we have a drive to need 77 00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:58,640 Speaker 1: no one and a fear of depending on people. At 78 00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:02,599 Speaker 1: the heart of which is this inability to trust or 79 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:07,200 Speaker 1: a genuine fear of intimacy. Hyper independence. It's more than 80 00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:13,599 Speaker 1: just self reliance. It's this unwavering insistence on autonomy. These 81 00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:16,839 Speaker 1: kinds of people, they are unwilling to or maybe unable 82 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:20,600 Speaker 1: to depend on others. We want to do everything alone. 83 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:24,960 Speaker 1: We have been implicitly taught that we cannot trust others, 84 00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:30,040 Speaker 1: so we push those close, vulnerable relationships away. We refuse 85 00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:35,560 Speaker 1: help or assistance, both emotional and physical. Importantly, I think 86 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:39,719 Speaker 1: there's a crucial caveat here hyper independence. It's not a 87 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:43,920 Speaker 1: diagnosable mental health condition. It's a stress response, more often 88 00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:49,440 Speaker 1: than not, triggered by exposure to ongoing or acute distress 89 00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:55,240 Speaker 1: or some kind of emotionally charged situation. So how does 90 00:06:55,279 --> 00:06:57,240 Speaker 1: that kind of show up in our behaviors in our 91 00:06:57,279 --> 00:07:01,719 Speaker 1: everyday lives? Are There are five kear signs or indicators 92 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:07,200 Speaker 1: of hyper independence that I want to discuss. Firstly, it 93 00:07:07,279 --> 00:07:11,320 Speaker 1: feels really uncomfortable or unnatural for you to ask for help, 94 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:16,760 Speaker 1: specifically due to this fear of being a burden. Hyperindependence 95 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:21,320 Speaker 1: creates this sense that anything we need we should be 96 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:26,160 Speaker 1: able to do for ourselves. If you're feeling sad and upset, 97 00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:28,880 Speaker 1: we can take care of that. We can sell sooth, 98 00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:32,280 Speaker 1: we can manage it. If we need help moving or 99 00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:36,760 Speaker 1: building furniture, we can't ask for help because it may 100 00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:40,160 Speaker 1: burden someone else. And what does that say about our 101 00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:43,200 Speaker 1: own abilities and our ability to take care of ourselves, 102 00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:47,920 Speaker 1: you know, for struggling financially. Even if we need extra assistance, 103 00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:49,880 Speaker 1: we're not going to ask for that. We're going to 104 00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:54,920 Speaker 1: get another job or budget excessively. Not only does asking 105 00:07:55,000 --> 00:08:01,000 Speaker 1: for help feel entirely unnatural, it's actually really uncomfortable because 106 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:04,800 Speaker 1: it contradicts this identity that we've built on being entirely 107 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:10,880 Speaker 1: self reliant. Emotionally, we may have difficulty with vulnerability and trust, 108 00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:19,160 Speaker 1: and therefore have limited emotionally close relationships. Vulnerability requires asking 109 00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:23,880 Speaker 1: for help. Trust means believing that someone has your best 110 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:27,360 Speaker 1: interests at heart and will fulfill your needs, none of 111 00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:32,480 Speaker 1: which aligns with our self image as an independent person. 112 00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:36,000 Speaker 1: There's this voice in the back of our head saying 113 00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:38,920 Speaker 1: I really don't need anyone. I can do this alone. 114 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:43,000 Speaker 1: And that voice comes from a fear of being hurt. 115 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:48,439 Speaker 1: And so we use hyperindependence to protect us from intimacy 116 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:52,280 Speaker 1: and vulnerability, and that's going to require us to open 117 00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:56,040 Speaker 1: up to someone else. I think it's no surprise that, 118 00:08:56,400 --> 00:09:03,920 Speaker 1: especially in romantic relationships, come from previous experiences with betrayal, 119 00:09:04,480 --> 00:09:09,240 Speaker 1: maybe due to cheating or lying, even heartbreak. So after 120 00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:14,160 Speaker 1: those experiences because they are so unpleasant, our brains go 121 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:19,920 Speaker 1: the complete opposite direction. If love and intimacy, if relying 122 00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:24,560 Speaker 1: on someone else brings pain, well, then relying only on 123 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:30,040 Speaker 1: myself brings liberation. It brings peace. We know, though, that 124 00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:34,880 Speaker 1: that's not always true. This links to the next indicator, 125 00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:38,760 Speaker 1: which is that you naturally close yourself off to others 126 00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:43,559 Speaker 1: and you're suspicious when people try and get close. That 127 00:09:43,679 --> 00:09:48,480 Speaker 1: suspicion or hostility may actually be because you don't actually 128 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:53,680 Speaker 1: trust yourself. What if someone does provide you with something 129 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:56,800 Speaker 1: you can't give yourself. What if they do fulfill some 130 00:09:56,880 --> 00:10:00,160 Speaker 1: unmet need and then they leave and you can no 131 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:04,920 Speaker 1: longer fulfill that need yourself. The whole system kind of 132 00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:08,960 Speaker 1: falls apart, the whole self concept. You can no longer 133 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:14,200 Speaker 1: solely trust yourself, and so you make it impossible for 134 00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:18,720 Speaker 1: anyone to ever get close enough to challenge that belief system. 135 00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:25,080 Speaker 1: That emotional withdrawal is a massive indicator of hyperindependence. The 136 00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:28,880 Speaker 1: fourth indicator is that you're an overachiever or a workaholic. 137 00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:33,559 Speaker 1: Your performance and success works to further support the belief 138 00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:38,360 Speaker 1: that your hyperindependence is a good thing because it correlates 139 00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:42,320 Speaker 1: with productivity and output. It could also be that you 140 00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:46,520 Speaker 1: struggle to delegate because you don't trust others, or maybe 141 00:10:46,559 --> 00:10:50,160 Speaker 1: you focus on your career or academics because you're scared 142 00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:53,160 Speaker 1: to let yourself have a life outside of those things. 143 00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:57,840 Speaker 1: You keep yourself preoccupied because you want to have that 144 00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:02,199 Speaker 1: excuse to cancel plants and a pretty socially admirable excuse 145 00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:05,120 Speaker 1: as well, to not spend time with loved ones or 146 00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:08,440 Speaker 1: to be by yourself for long periods of time, and 147 00:11:08,559 --> 00:11:13,040 Speaker 1: academics and your careers they're a really great excuse because 148 00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:17,000 Speaker 1: it's very socially acceptable. But what it's concealing is that 149 00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:22,440 Speaker 1: you're actually avoiding situations that require dependence or asking for 150 00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:26,080 Speaker 1: help and letting people in. And finally, if it's not 151 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:29,360 Speaker 1: already obvious, you prefer to do things alone and on 152 00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:32,960 Speaker 1: your own schedule, and you find that other people slow 153 00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:35,960 Speaker 1: you down. You don't want to wait for others. You're 154 00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:37,800 Speaker 1: on the girl's trip, no one else wants to come 155 00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:41,120 Speaker 1: with you to the museum or whatever. Not only does 156 00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:43,640 Speaker 1: that not bother you, but you prefer it. It's like 157 00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:47,400 Speaker 1: a sigh of relief. And I think sometimes this comes 158 00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:50,520 Speaker 1: off as arrogance or even introversion, which it isn't. It's 159 00:11:50,559 --> 00:11:54,400 Speaker 1: a trauma response to push others away and be self 160 00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:57,839 Speaker 1: contained because you have learnt that you can only rely 161 00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:00,400 Speaker 1: on yourself and you don't want to be dissipate pointed 162 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:03,920 Speaker 1: by those close to you. But when you isolate yourself, 163 00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:09,600 Speaker 1: you're also repressing your emotions and neglecting your needs. You 164 00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:13,920 Speaker 1: may believe that your hyperindependence is keeping you safe, but 165 00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:17,280 Speaker 1: those close to you, those who care about you deeply, 166 00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:21,360 Speaker 1: they want to be able to reach out. We understand 167 00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:25,479 Speaker 1: that community is valuable, and when you create that distance, 168 00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:28,760 Speaker 1: it really puts you in a place of solitude. We're 169 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:31,600 Speaker 1: going to discuss that in just a second, but if 170 00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:36,880 Speaker 1: you relate to these signs, it may be indicative of hyperindependence. 171 00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:40,160 Speaker 1: It's important to remember that it is a spectrum. Though 172 00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:43,800 Speaker 1: independence is good, but when it comes at the expense 173 00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:48,880 Speaker 1: of healthy, meaningful relationships, of trust, of asking for help, 174 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:54,960 Speaker 1: that is when it's in the territory of hyperindependence or counterdependency. 175 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:59,920 Speaker 1: This is in contrast to codependency, in which we see 176 00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:03,880 Speaker 1: many people have this unhealthy need for approval and love 177 00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:08,440 Speaker 1: and comfort of someone else to feel secure, while someone 178 00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:13,520 Speaker 1: who is hyperindependent focuses on securing their own needs, sometimes 179 00:13:13,559 --> 00:13:18,640 Speaker 1: at their jetriment and becoming entirely self sufficient. Someone who 180 00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:23,720 Speaker 1: is codependent will consistently place the needs of others above 181 00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:28,360 Speaker 1: their own in order to satisfy that deep desire to 182 00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:32,120 Speaker 1: be attached to another person. We did a whole episode 183 00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:34,320 Speaker 1: on this you know this kind of dynamic a little 184 00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:38,439 Speaker 1: while back. But interestingly, something I didn't mention is that 185 00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:43,920 Speaker 1: the independent behavior of hyperindependent people can actually be highly 186 00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:48,200 Speaker 1: attractive to people who are codependent, because it provides a 187 00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:52,360 Speaker 1: sense of security and structure and self sufficiency that they 188 00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:57,680 Speaker 1: lack and are therefore craving. However, once in a relationship, 189 00:13:57,760 --> 00:14:00,840 Speaker 1: if one was to form between a hyper dependent person 190 00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:05,080 Speaker 1: and a codependent person, sometimes we see this actual this 191 00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:09,040 Speaker 1: role reversal. No one quite knows why. There are a 192 00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:12,520 Speaker 1: couple of theories out there that what these people are 193 00:14:12,559 --> 00:14:16,520 Speaker 1: really looking for is the comfort of an opposite someone 194 00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:21,040 Speaker 1: who can allow them to relinquish the control that either 195 00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:26,760 Speaker 1: their codependence or hyperindependence has given them. The partner offers 196 00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:32,000 Speaker 1: everything they cannot offer themselves, represents what they cannot offer themselves, 197 00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:35,400 Speaker 1: and in order to kind of ignite a romance, they 198 00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:39,520 Speaker 1: attempt to emulate that other person's behavior, leading to this 199 00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:44,560 Speaker 1: kind of dynamic shift regardless. I think both hyperindependence and 200 00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:49,600 Speaker 1: codependence are what we would call maladaptive. We're specifically focusing 201 00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:54,400 Speaker 1: on hyper independence in this episode, and the reason psychologists 202 00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:58,320 Speaker 1: and therapists see this behavioral pattern as particularly unhealthy is 203 00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:02,760 Speaker 1: that we all still have some basic need for social 204 00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:08,120 Speaker 1: connection and trust and vulnerability. That need does not disappear 205 00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:13,560 Speaker 1: regardless of how much we try and actively suppress this instinct, 206 00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:17,760 Speaker 1: and so there's this element of our emotional and mental 207 00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:21,520 Speaker 1: wellbeing that is not fulfilled, a need that we're kind 208 00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:27,160 Speaker 1: of subconsciously denying ourselves because we value independence and we 209 00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:30,920 Speaker 1: value being able to detach from others and kind of 210 00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:34,800 Speaker 1: burrow into our own thoughts and our own feelings. I 211 00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:38,400 Speaker 1: think it's interesting because people who are hyper independent are 212 00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:42,640 Speaker 1: often very attached to this aspect of their identity. What's 213 00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:48,720 Speaker 1: also true, though, is that these people still experience really 214 00:15:48,760 --> 00:15:54,560 Speaker 1: profound loneliness, They experience poor self esteem, and their relationships 215 00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:59,520 Speaker 1: often lack that emotional intimacy. I think hyper independency really 216 00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:03,520 Speaker 1: shares a lot of commonalities with emotional unavailability in this way, 217 00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:07,120 Speaker 1: but not because these individuals don't want to be close 218 00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:11,640 Speaker 1: to others. But because they cannot give up that self sufficiency. 219 00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:17,320 Speaker 1: Studies have shown that this kind of behavior likely stems 220 00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:22,400 Speaker 1: from a few core experiences, particularly childhood trauma that has 221 00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:26,640 Speaker 1: taught us to trust ourselves and only ourselves to get 222 00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:31,440 Speaker 1: through life. Often, that mistrust comes from a place of 223 00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:35,760 Speaker 1: deep hurt that has taught us this fallacy that no 224 00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:40,120 Speaker 1: one can be trusted with our happiness or welfare. There 225 00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:44,400 Speaker 1: are three distinct types of trauma that it may be 226 00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:46,720 Speaker 1: in response to, and that I want to focus on. 227 00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:53,000 Speaker 1: The first is emotional neglect, parentification, and abandonment. As children, 228 00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:57,080 Speaker 1: we have a lot of emotional needs, physical needs, social needs, 229 00:16:57,160 --> 00:17:00,640 Speaker 1: mental needs that need to be fulfilled in order for 230 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:03,920 Speaker 1: our brains to develop and our social skills as well. 231 00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:09,840 Speaker 1: When our caregivers, normally our parents don't sufficiently respond to 232 00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:14,960 Speaker 1: those needs by shutting down our emotions by a failure 233 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:19,960 Speaker 1: to provide encouragement or emotional unavailability, being totally absent, being 234 00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:23,200 Speaker 1: overly busy, or just not showing up for us when 235 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:27,720 Speaker 1: they said that they would. Children learn that people are unreliable. 236 00:17:28,359 --> 00:17:32,080 Speaker 1: Studies have shown that when we experience this kind of neglect, 237 00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:36,359 Speaker 1: there are reduced levels of oxytocin in the brain. This 238 00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:41,440 Speaker 1: is incredibly valuable for organizing our neural circuits, especially in 239 00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:45,520 Speaker 1: response to recognizing and being able to respond to emotions 240 00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:49,680 Speaker 1: and social bonding. So as a result, children who are 241 00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:54,080 Speaker 1: raised in an environment where their caregivers do not provide 242 00:17:54,119 --> 00:17:58,360 Speaker 1: them with the right amount of emotional stimulation for oxytocin release, 243 00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:03,679 Speaker 1: they are more at risk of emotional detachment and emotional impairment. 244 00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:09,840 Speaker 1: Perhaps contributing to this hyper independency from a social learning perspective, 245 00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:14,480 Speaker 1: this child also learns that their emotional needs will not 246 00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:18,400 Speaker 1: be met unless they meet them themselves, and that others 247 00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:24,560 Speaker 1: will inherently disappoint them, leading once again to hyperindependence. Similar 248 00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:29,200 Speaker 1: to this is what we call parentification. So this occurs 249 00:18:29,359 --> 00:18:33,000 Speaker 1: when the role of the parent and the child is 250 00:18:33,119 --> 00:18:37,400 Speaker 1: almost reversed, such that a child takes on the role 251 00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:41,920 Speaker 1: of parent. They provide their parents with an unnatural level 252 00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:45,600 Speaker 1: of emotional support. Maybe they have to worry about money, 253 00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:48,680 Speaker 1: they're responsible for taking care of their siblings, keeping the 254 00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:52,480 Speaker 1: house clean, worrying how they'll get to school. All the 255 00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:56,159 Speaker 1: child is forced to take on this role of mediator 256 00:18:56,280 --> 00:19:00,200 Speaker 1: or a confidant for a parent. This is most often 257 00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:04,280 Speaker 1: seen with the first born and in certain cultures, normally 258 00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:07,640 Speaker 1: the firstborn daughter because they are the ones who are 259 00:19:07,640 --> 00:19:11,840 Speaker 1: more conditioned to be the emotional anchor for the family. 260 00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:17,200 Speaker 1: Sometimes parents don't realize that they have made their child 261 00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:22,040 Speaker 1: their parents, and they're not realizing the burden that this 262 00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:26,840 Speaker 1: places on their children. More often than not, it's generational. 263 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:30,600 Speaker 1: And actually we see this a lot with people whose 264 00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:34,159 Speaker 1: parents have gone through a divorce, especially if the divorce 265 00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:38,439 Speaker 1: was hostile. The children end up becoming the messengers for 266 00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:42,639 Speaker 1: either party, and they're kind of exposed to a developmentally 267 00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:47,960 Speaker 1: inappropriate level of emotional responsibility, and they feel like they 268 00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:51,240 Speaker 1: have to give up their needs, particularly their need for 269 00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:55,560 Speaker 1: emotional security and stability, for the sake of their parents' 270 00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:59,400 Speaker 1: well being. That is so hard on our young brains, 271 00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:05,680 Speaker 1: and we unconsciously adopt this parental level of responsibility. We 272 00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:10,040 Speaker 1: grow up way too quickly, and as a response to that, 273 00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:14,520 Speaker 1: in response to that environment, we become hyper independent as 274 00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:18,840 Speaker 1: a coping mechanism, as a trauma response to our circumstances. 275 00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:23,360 Speaker 1: To protect our young brains, to respond to our environment appropriately, 276 00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:26,879 Speaker 1: to kind of keep the peace, you become the parent, 277 00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:31,640 Speaker 1: You become the adult way too young. Finally, we have abandonment. 278 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:34,879 Speaker 1: When we are let down by the people who are 279 00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:38,120 Speaker 1: meant to care for us, we learn to become self 280 00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:44,160 Speaker 1: sufficient in order to survive, but be to not be disappointed. 281 00:20:45,119 --> 00:20:49,280 Speaker 1: That's where this idea of hyperindependence as a trauma response 282 00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:53,000 Speaker 1: really comes from. A trauma response in psychology, it's an 283 00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:55,960 Speaker 1: emotional response to an event or a series of events 284 00:20:56,440 --> 00:21:00,040 Speaker 1: that injure our sense of security. I think there's this 285 00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:04,639 Speaker 1: conception that these have to be incredibly intense and catastrophic, 286 00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:09,600 Speaker 1: like a war, a serious death or injury. That's not true. 287 00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:14,680 Speaker 1: Things like emotional abuse, neglect, They leave just as permanent 288 00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:19,560 Speaker 1: psychological scars. Also, our brains are all incredibly unique. I 289 00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:24,080 Speaker 1: always say this, but it's worth a reminder. Trauma is subjective, 290 00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:28,280 Speaker 1: and when we experience a traumatic event that is particularly 291 00:21:28,359 --> 00:21:32,240 Speaker 1: triggering or damaging for us, our body and our mind 292 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:37,720 Speaker 1: responds by entering survival mode. This is also called our 293 00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:42,639 Speaker 1: fight flight of freeze response. The mind is going to 294 00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:46,240 Speaker 1: wait till after the danger has passed to try and 295 00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:50,119 Speaker 1: find a way to explain that event and neatly tie 296 00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:54,880 Speaker 1: all together or consolidate what you've experienced. When it cannot 297 00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:58,080 Speaker 1: do that, when it cannot find an explanation or a 298 00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:02,080 Speaker 1: place for that memory to be in our brains. We 299 00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:06,080 Speaker 1: experience those lingering impacts and a sense of distress or 300 00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:12,040 Speaker 1: impaired behavioral patterns such as this self sufficiency. It's also 301 00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:16,879 Speaker 1: possible to have what we would call a delayed emotional response. 302 00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:20,800 Speaker 1: Maybe in the years that have followed, perhaps your parents' 303 00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:26,560 Speaker 1: divorce or the neglect, you didn't notice your hyperindependence. But 304 00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:30,680 Speaker 1: then you enter into your first relationship, or you start 305 00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:35,240 Speaker 1: dating and begin to recognize some of those signs that 306 00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:39,879 Speaker 1: we talked about before. This is I think, especially the 307 00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:44,760 Speaker 1: case if the relationship mimics the dynamic that you had 308 00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:49,280 Speaker 1: with your parents. Perhaps this person never shows up for you, 309 00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:54,199 Speaker 1: they're emotionally unavailable, or they do something that breaks your trust. 310 00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:59,439 Speaker 1: This just reinforces all of that childhood learning, and it 311 00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:04,000 Speaker 1: can result in delayed hyper independency. The opposite's also true. 312 00:23:04,119 --> 00:23:08,960 Speaker 1: Someone showers you and love and affection. They consistently show 313 00:23:09,040 --> 00:23:13,280 Speaker 1: up in your life. They celebrate you. They provide security 314 00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:16,520 Speaker 1: that can be equally scary because you've learned to do 315 00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:20,480 Speaker 1: things alone. You have adopted this mentality that you don't 316 00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:25,800 Speaker 1: need anyone. So the love shown by this person causes 317 00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:30,760 Speaker 1: you to really question everything, and it makes you scared 318 00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:34,560 Speaker 1: because it's not the truth that you've accepted. It's not 319 00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:37,399 Speaker 1: the reality that you know. I think it takes a 320 00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:41,119 Speaker 1: lot from us to give up our hyperindependence because for 321 00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:43,679 Speaker 1: so long it has protected us. But what does that 322 00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:47,680 Speaker 1: kind of come at the expense of So I really 323 00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:52,360 Speaker 1: want to discuss that next, specifically the long term consequences 324 00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:56,560 Speaker 1: of hyperindependence, as well as some of the maintaining factors, 325 00:23:56,680 --> 00:24:01,960 Speaker 1: specifically around the role of culture and social psychology. So 326 00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:11,040 Speaker 1: all of that and more in just a second. So far, 327 00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:16,800 Speaker 1: we've explored what causes hyperindependence to emerge, especially as it 328 00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:20,439 Speaker 1: relates to a trauma response, but I also want to 329 00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:23,000 Speaker 1: look at some of the maintaining factors as well as 330 00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:27,399 Speaker 1: the psychology behind I guess, the healing work and the 331 00:24:27,400 --> 00:24:30,560 Speaker 1: way that we can move forward. One of the biggest 332 00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:39,400 Speaker 1: factors that exacerbates hyperindependency is culture and societal context. In psychology, 333 00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:45,439 Speaker 1: we have this distinction between individualistic and collectivist cultures. In 334 00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:49,639 Speaker 1: a collectivist society, the needs of the group are more important, 335 00:24:49,720 --> 00:24:53,960 Speaker 1: and people, I guess, we're often asked to sacrifice individual 336 00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:58,960 Speaker 1: benefits for the collective good. Their identity and the group 337 00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:05,600 Speaker 1: identity are equally valuable. However, in individualistic societies, what matters 338 00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:11,359 Speaker 1: most is individual success, is freedom and independence. Societies with 339 00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:15,719 Speaker 1: this kind of individualistic culture, we kind of we treat 340 00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:20,719 Speaker 1: people as autonomous and we prioritize personal gain and uniqueness. 341 00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:24,200 Speaker 1: And in these types of societies, such as the US, 342 00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:30,920 Speaker 1: the UK, Australia, many Western societies, hyperindependence is often overlooked 343 00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:35,480 Speaker 1: and rarely challenged because people are allowed to exist as unique, 344 00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:40,480 Speaker 1: self reliant humans without challenging kind of the group dynamic 345 00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:44,760 Speaker 1: and the general good. We see this a lot, especially 346 00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:50,359 Speaker 1: with the Western idea of exceptionalism, in which devoting every 347 00:25:50,440 --> 00:25:55,240 Speaker 1: hour of our life to our career, neglecting personal relationships, 348 00:25:55,280 --> 00:25:59,119 Speaker 1: not asking for help that is seen as admirable. But 349 00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:02,840 Speaker 1: we also know so that that is very much maladaptive. 350 00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:08,000 Speaker 1: Whilst this response or behavioral pattern may leave you feeling 351 00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:12,480 Speaker 1: safe and secure because you're not challenged by vulnerability or 352 00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:18,880 Speaker 1: close relationships, what drives this hyperindependency is an avoidance mindset, 353 00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:24,840 Speaker 1: avoiding intimacy, avoiding trust, avoiding vulnerability, avoiding help, avoiding company. 354 00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:30,080 Speaker 1: And whilst we may have kind of superficially positive relationships 355 00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:34,959 Speaker 1: because we fundamentally do not trust others, that we are 356 00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:41,960 Speaker 1: unable to form those long term, meaningful partnerships even in marriages. 357 00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:46,280 Speaker 1: I saw this really interesting fact someone who is counterdependent 358 00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:51,159 Speaker 1: or hyperindependent. They will continue to hide core aspects of 359 00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:55,800 Speaker 1: their emotions. They will resist asking for assistance, and will 360 00:26:55,840 --> 00:26:58,920 Speaker 1: be reluctant to open up even from someone that they've married. 361 00:26:59,480 --> 00:27:06,000 Speaker 1: They're going to avoid situations requiring deep emotional connection because 362 00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:10,239 Speaker 1: that requires the possibility of being hurt, That requires the 363 00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:14,160 Speaker 1: possibility of challenging this belief that maybe they are not 364 00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:17,520 Speaker 1: self sufficient, that maybe they can't do everything on their own. 365 00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:20,560 Speaker 1: I think we can all see how this can create 366 00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:25,679 Speaker 1: a pretty unfulfilling life, especially since we are social beings. 367 00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:29,679 Speaker 1: We have evolved around this idea of community, around this 368 00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:35,280 Speaker 1: idea of a social structure that helps others. You know, relationships, 369 00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:39,480 Speaker 1: by nature are also interdependent. So to have successful long 370 00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:44,239 Speaker 1: term relationships, some aspect of our hyperindependence is going to 371 00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:49,399 Speaker 1: have to be relinquished. So let's discuss some of the 372 00:27:49,480 --> 00:27:53,199 Speaker 1: ways that psychology and therapy might help us heal this 373 00:27:53,359 --> 00:27:57,600 Speaker 1: tendency and restore a healthy level of independence or a 374 00:27:57,640 --> 00:28:01,479 Speaker 1: healthy level of dependence on others. Yes, we're going to 375 00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:06,280 Speaker 1: discuss three tips. Firstly, addressing trust issues and attachment style, 376 00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:11,480 Speaker 1: the value of inner child healing and recognizing what triggers 377 00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:15,679 Speaker 1: you and when you need help. Addressing trust issues and 378 00:28:15,760 --> 00:28:21,879 Speaker 1: attachment style, it involves understanding that interplay between our past 379 00:28:22,119 --> 00:28:28,320 Speaker 1: experiences and our current emotional patterns. Trust issues, simply put, 380 00:28:28,840 --> 00:28:32,959 Speaker 1: are this persistent lack of confidence and faith in others. 381 00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:39,760 Speaker 1: They are a fear response and they can't be challenged overnight, sadly, 382 00:28:40,360 --> 00:28:45,280 Speaker 1: but they can be through a gradual process of exposure 383 00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:52,959 Speaker 1: to situations that may trigger your hyperindependency, specifically emotionally vulnerable situations, 384 00:28:53,440 --> 00:28:56,640 Speaker 1: times when you need to ask for help, combined with 385 00:28:56,920 --> 00:29:02,400 Speaker 1: positive reward and calming techniques. Invention is actually mainly used 386 00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:06,760 Speaker 1: in treating phobias. It's called exposure therapy and it involves 387 00:29:06,760 --> 00:29:10,000 Speaker 1: a gradual exposure to an event that creates anxiety at 388 00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:14,080 Speaker 1: small levels, and we increase the anxiety it creates over 389 00:29:14,200 --> 00:29:19,520 Speaker 1: time whilst combining it with something positive, whilst combining it 390 00:29:19,560 --> 00:29:24,080 Speaker 1: with calming exercises so that that stress response, so that 391 00:29:24,320 --> 00:29:30,760 Speaker 1: hyperindependency is not triggered. So this could involve slowly sharing 392 00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:37,800 Speaker 1: personal experiences, delegating responsibility or relying on someone for support. 393 00:29:38,120 --> 00:29:43,040 Speaker 1: Every time these experiences go well, every time you learn 394 00:29:43,080 --> 00:29:46,040 Speaker 1: that you can trust those around you that they will 395 00:29:46,080 --> 00:29:49,520 Speaker 1: show up. That life is maybe easier if you let 396 00:29:49,560 --> 00:29:54,719 Speaker 1: people in. You unloan those lessons and that trauma that 397 00:29:54,800 --> 00:29:57,680 Speaker 1: has convinced you that self sufficiency is the only way 398 00:29:57,840 --> 00:30:01,000 Speaker 1: to get through life. But it's also important that we 399 00:30:01,080 --> 00:30:05,040 Speaker 1: don't go too far. Like we spoke of before, hyper 400 00:30:05,120 --> 00:30:09,000 Speaker 1: independent people are often more attracted to people who are 401 00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:13,760 Speaker 1: codependent because they like the responsibility of managing the relationship 402 00:30:14,280 --> 00:30:17,040 Speaker 1: and feeling like they can be autonomous because the other 403 00:30:17,120 --> 00:30:21,600 Speaker 1: person won't question them. That codependent person just wants to 404 00:30:21,640 --> 00:30:27,200 Speaker 1: make you happy. We're working towards interdependency here, not codependence. 405 00:30:27,240 --> 00:30:30,960 Speaker 1: So it's important to make sure that you recognize what 406 00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:33,640 Speaker 1: your kind of boundaries are, that you can still say no, 407 00:30:34,320 --> 00:30:36,680 Speaker 1: so that you don't swing in the opposite direction. I 408 00:30:36,680 --> 00:30:41,680 Speaker 1: think emotional extremes are also a massive indicator of a 409 00:30:41,720 --> 00:30:46,360 Speaker 1: trauma responsor of hyperindependency. So making sure that you're like, Okay, 410 00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:50,200 Speaker 1: this relationship I might be going a little bit too far. 411 00:30:50,720 --> 00:30:53,920 Speaker 1: Maybe I have just decided to attach myself to one 412 00:30:54,040 --> 00:30:59,080 Speaker 1: person because I can trust them. That's like hyper independency, 413 00:30:59,680 --> 00:31:04,840 Speaker 1: like spicy hyperindependency, almost like you're still hyperindependent plus one 414 00:31:04,960 --> 00:31:09,080 Speaker 1: plus this one additional person. We also know that one 415 00:31:09,080 --> 00:31:13,840 Speaker 1: of the root causes of hyperindependency is having to grow 416 00:31:13,960 --> 00:31:18,719 Speaker 1: up too quickly. You've become an adult way before your time. 417 00:31:19,280 --> 00:31:23,000 Speaker 1: So to heal the current version of ourselves, the hyperindependent 418 00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:27,600 Speaker 1: version of ourselves, we also need to heal those previous 419 00:31:27,720 --> 00:31:33,440 Speaker 1: versions that includes our younger childhood self. This is where 420 00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:39,040 Speaker 1: inner child healing becomes really useful. The essential premise is 421 00:31:39,280 --> 00:31:43,760 Speaker 1: that we have all experienced hurt in some way, and 422 00:31:43,800 --> 00:31:48,040 Speaker 1: in order to heal our adult emotional scars and beliefs, 423 00:31:48,640 --> 00:31:52,840 Speaker 1: we need to get back to those foundational experiences that 424 00:31:52,880 --> 00:31:56,480 Speaker 1: we had as children, and we need to begin treating 425 00:31:56,480 --> 00:31:59,200 Speaker 1: ourselves as if we are the parent, as if we 426 00:31:59,240 --> 00:32:02,920 Speaker 1: are caring for that childhood version of us. It goes 427 00:32:02,920 --> 00:32:06,720 Speaker 1: by another name, and that's called reparenting, and I think 428 00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:11,360 Speaker 1: that's the crucial idea here. We have to be the 429 00:32:11,480 --> 00:32:15,800 Speaker 1: parent that we always deserved or whether you had a 430 00:32:15,840 --> 00:32:19,120 Speaker 1: healthy example of what that should look like or not, 431 00:32:19,760 --> 00:32:24,200 Speaker 1: and by loving this version of us unconditionally, by deliberately 432 00:32:24,320 --> 00:32:28,640 Speaker 1: and consciously healing them, giving them, perhaps what we did 433 00:32:28,680 --> 00:32:33,080 Speaker 1: not have as children. We address the things that we 434 00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:37,400 Speaker 1: most want to change about our adult selves. There are 435 00:32:37,440 --> 00:32:39,600 Speaker 1: a few ways that we can do this that are 436 00:32:39,640 --> 00:32:43,960 Speaker 1: specific to the emotional wounds most attached to hyperindependency, so 437 00:32:44,520 --> 00:32:51,200 Speaker 1: emotional neglect and parentification, also abandonment. Firstly, engage in play. 438 00:32:51,880 --> 00:32:56,800 Speaker 1: Give yourself the opportunity to be childlike, especially if that 439 00:32:57,560 --> 00:33:00,360 Speaker 1: ability and that opportunity was taken away from from you 440 00:33:00,440 --> 00:33:04,120 Speaker 1: when you were younger. Watch movies from your childhood, Go 441 00:33:04,200 --> 00:33:08,160 Speaker 1: on the swings, make fairy bread, pull out a board game, 442 00:33:08,360 --> 00:33:13,400 Speaker 1: some uno cards, Buy yourself something ridiculous and fluffy, a 443 00:33:13,440 --> 00:33:17,840 Speaker 1: toy or chocolate Sunday, just because you want to let 444 00:33:17,880 --> 00:33:23,480 Speaker 1: yourself have those innocent childhood experiences that maybe you were 445 00:33:23,520 --> 00:33:27,040 Speaker 1: not allowed to have or when you were younger. Secondly, 446 00:33:27,160 --> 00:33:31,640 Speaker 1: is to be messy and to be vulnerable. Allow yourself 447 00:33:31,720 --> 00:33:35,880 Speaker 1: to cry openly, to not always check everything off your 448 00:33:35,920 --> 00:33:39,479 Speaker 1: to do list. Make space for the mistakes that you 449 00:33:39,520 --> 00:33:44,000 Speaker 1: weren't allowed to make in childhood. That is essentially saying 450 00:33:44,640 --> 00:33:48,520 Speaker 1: I did not get the opportunity perhaps to make mistakes. 451 00:33:48,560 --> 00:33:51,840 Speaker 1: I had to be on guard, I had to be 452 00:33:52,080 --> 00:33:55,200 Speaker 1: self reliant, I had to look after others, and so 453 00:33:55,520 --> 00:33:59,120 Speaker 1: all of that innocence, all of that freedom, all of 454 00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:03,600 Speaker 1: that room to be messy and vulnerable. Those were experiences 455 00:34:03,680 --> 00:34:06,680 Speaker 1: that perhaps I didn't have when I was younger, that 456 00:34:06,760 --> 00:34:10,240 Speaker 1: I'm going to recreate and give myself as an adult. 457 00:34:10,960 --> 00:34:14,240 Speaker 1: I think also, when you feel you're inner child seeking 458 00:34:14,280 --> 00:34:19,000 Speaker 1: out love, especially when you feel loneliness or longing, give 459 00:34:19,040 --> 00:34:22,000 Speaker 1: them what they crave. Not for your current self, not 460 00:34:22,080 --> 00:34:25,080 Speaker 1: for that version of yourself that might be really scared, 461 00:34:25,760 --> 00:34:29,279 Speaker 1: but for that inner child who needs you to have 462 00:34:29,360 --> 00:34:33,000 Speaker 1: their best interests at heart. Reach out to a friend, 463 00:34:33,200 --> 00:34:36,719 Speaker 1: even if it's difficult, ask for help, because that's what 464 00:34:36,760 --> 00:34:39,319 Speaker 1: your inner child needs. It might not be what you 465 00:34:39,440 --> 00:34:42,040 Speaker 1: think you need, but you're not the focus here. It's 466 00:34:42,080 --> 00:34:46,400 Speaker 1: about what that inner version, that childhood version of yourself needs. 467 00:34:46,920 --> 00:34:51,399 Speaker 1: And practice radical self compassion. We talk about this quite 468 00:34:51,400 --> 00:34:54,800 Speaker 1: a bit on the show because it is so powerful 469 00:34:55,520 --> 00:34:58,239 Speaker 1: when you find that you've failed, when you've been rejected, 470 00:34:58,400 --> 00:35:01,920 Speaker 1: when you feel unhappy with yourself, of take note of 471 00:35:01,960 --> 00:35:06,120 Speaker 1: your inner dialogue and self talk and imagine that your 472 00:35:06,160 --> 00:35:08,319 Speaker 1: five year old self is sitting in front of you 473 00:35:08,800 --> 00:35:12,840 Speaker 1: right now and you're saying those things to them. You 474 00:35:12,920 --> 00:35:15,919 Speaker 1: would not yell at this five year old version of you. 475 00:35:15,920 --> 00:35:19,520 Speaker 1: You wouldn't tell them that they're useless, that they're worthless, 476 00:35:19,600 --> 00:35:23,400 Speaker 1: that they're stupid. So why would you say these things 477 00:35:23,480 --> 00:35:28,560 Speaker 1: to yourself? Now? I think that when we become conscious 478 00:35:28,600 --> 00:35:31,800 Speaker 1: of the fact that this version of us still exists, 479 00:35:32,360 --> 00:35:36,840 Speaker 1: needs to be reparented, needs to be protected, our approach 480 00:35:36,880 --> 00:35:40,799 Speaker 1: to our current versions of ourselves become a lot more 481 00:35:40,840 --> 00:35:46,120 Speaker 1: fulfilling and a lot more peaceful and gentle. Finally, I 482 00:35:46,120 --> 00:35:51,760 Speaker 1: would say, recognize what triggers your hyperindependency, and I think 483 00:35:51,840 --> 00:35:54,799 Speaker 1: in those moments, those are the times you most need 484 00:35:54,840 --> 00:35:59,080 Speaker 1: to ask for help. We have to remember hyperindependence is 485 00:35:59,239 --> 00:36:03,800 Speaker 1: a traumorous so it's often going to be activated during 486 00:36:03,920 --> 00:36:08,799 Speaker 1: times of excessive stress or emotional intensity, when our mind 487 00:36:08,840 --> 00:36:12,480 Speaker 1: resorts to that deeply ingrained coping mechanism, because in the 488 00:36:12,520 --> 00:36:16,040 Speaker 1: past it's proved that it worked, even if it's at 489 00:36:16,040 --> 00:36:19,439 Speaker 1: the expense of your long term wellbeing. But it's your 490 00:36:19,560 --> 00:36:23,000 Speaker 1: job to replace this behavior with a more positive one 491 00:36:23,400 --> 00:36:28,160 Speaker 1: and recognize what kind of situations are catalysts for you 492 00:36:29,120 --> 00:36:34,720 Speaker 1: shunning assistance, for you isolating yourself. Maybe that's an argument 493 00:36:35,000 --> 00:36:38,080 Speaker 1: with a partner or a friend. Maybe it's when someone 494 00:36:38,160 --> 00:36:41,839 Speaker 1: says they're really busy. Maybe it's when someone doesn't show 495 00:36:41,960 --> 00:36:45,719 Speaker 1: up for you, when you know that you're going to isolate, 496 00:36:46,440 --> 00:36:49,320 Speaker 1: go out instead, or ask others to join you whilst 497 00:36:49,440 --> 00:36:51,880 Speaker 1: you're studying or you're busy at work, or when you 498 00:36:52,000 --> 00:36:55,480 Speaker 1: know you're going to be maybe hostile towards others and 499 00:36:55,520 --> 00:36:59,359 Speaker 1: you feel this urge to push them away, let them in, 500 00:36:59,680 --> 00:37:02,560 Speaker 1: let them know what you're going through. When you need help, 501 00:37:02,640 --> 00:37:05,799 Speaker 1: ask for it, even if it's not from someone in 502 00:37:05,840 --> 00:37:09,040 Speaker 1: your life, maybe it's from a neighbor or even someone online. 503 00:37:09,600 --> 00:37:14,120 Speaker 1: It's all about those small steps. As we always say, 504 00:37:14,120 --> 00:37:16,440 Speaker 1: you've got to feel the fear and do it anyway. 505 00:37:16,520 --> 00:37:20,880 Speaker 1: Your future self is going to thank you for breaking 506 00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:24,319 Speaker 1: out of this pattern. I guess the final reminder for 507 00:37:24,360 --> 00:37:28,640 Speaker 1: the day is that hyperindependence is going to convince you 508 00:37:28,840 --> 00:37:34,400 Speaker 1: that being alone, doing things alone is better, is safe, 509 00:37:34,880 --> 00:37:38,480 Speaker 1: is secure. But that is not always the case. And 510 00:37:38,960 --> 00:37:43,480 Speaker 1: like I said, we evolved around this idea of interdependency 511 00:37:43,640 --> 00:37:48,400 Speaker 1: and community. It's important to know that it's not your fault. 512 00:37:48,520 --> 00:37:52,600 Speaker 1: I guess like this comes from traumatic experiences, it comes 513 00:37:52,640 --> 00:37:58,040 Speaker 1: from emotional neglect or events that caused you to grow 514 00:37:58,120 --> 00:38:00,759 Speaker 1: up way too quickly and learn that you could not 515 00:38:00,880 --> 00:38:05,080 Speaker 1: trust others. But as we get older, it's also important 516 00:38:05,120 --> 00:38:09,960 Speaker 1: to revisit some of those childhood or early patterns of 517 00:38:10,000 --> 00:38:14,799 Speaker 1: behavior that have continued with us into adulthood and check 518 00:38:14,800 --> 00:38:18,080 Speaker 1: in with ourselves to see if they're still doing what 519 00:38:18,120 --> 00:38:20,839 Speaker 1: we need them to do, if they are still what 520 00:38:21,040 --> 00:38:24,320 Speaker 1: is best for us in this current state of life. 521 00:38:24,400 --> 00:38:27,360 Speaker 1: So I think that that is all we have time 522 00:38:27,400 --> 00:38:31,200 Speaker 1: for today. I really hope that this episode kind of 523 00:38:31,480 --> 00:38:35,000 Speaker 1: provide you with a better understanding of this. I love 524 00:38:35,080 --> 00:38:40,320 Speaker 1: seeing tiktoks and Instagram videos and whatnot around psychological concepts, 525 00:38:40,360 --> 00:38:43,319 Speaker 1: but I do often think that it ignores some of 526 00:38:43,360 --> 00:38:47,560 Speaker 1: the deeper understanding that we need. So hopefully this provided 527 00:38:47,600 --> 00:38:49,600 Speaker 1: you a little bit of that. And if you ask 528 00:38:49,640 --> 00:38:52,600 Speaker 1: someone who is listening to this, being like, damn, this 529 00:38:52,760 --> 00:38:55,880 Speaker 1: really called me out. I think that I am hyper independent. 530 00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:58,960 Speaker 1: Well now you have some steps, Now you have some 531 00:38:59,080 --> 00:39:04,120 Speaker 1: ideas of where to go from here. Definitely left me 532 00:39:04,520 --> 00:39:06,880 Speaker 1: a bit shook. When I read some of the research 533 00:39:07,040 --> 00:39:11,120 Speaker 1: specifically around the attraction to codependent people, I was like, wow, 534 00:39:11,840 --> 00:39:15,719 Speaker 1: that describes every relationship I've ever had. So you're not 535 00:39:15,920 --> 00:39:19,239 Speaker 1: in this boat alone. But I do really hope that 536 00:39:19,280 --> 00:39:22,439 Speaker 1: you enjoyed this episode. If you did, please feel free 537 00:39:22,480 --> 00:39:24,680 Speaker 1: to share it with a friend, share it forward with 538 00:39:24,760 --> 00:39:27,440 Speaker 1: someone who you think might need to hear this, who 539 00:39:27,440 --> 00:39:31,279 Speaker 1: you think might enjoy it. As always, please feel free 540 00:39:31,320 --> 00:39:34,440 Speaker 1: to leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify 541 00:39:35,000 --> 00:39:38,200 Speaker 1: wherever you are listening right now and read every single review. 542 00:39:38,760 --> 00:39:41,520 Speaker 1: And I just love seeing the community grow and seeing 543 00:39:41,600 --> 00:39:43,879 Speaker 1: there are new people finding this show every single day. 544 00:39:43,920 --> 00:39:46,440 Speaker 1: So if that's you, welcome, Welcome. If this is your 545 00:39:46,440 --> 00:39:49,759 Speaker 1: first episode, and if you have an episode suggestion, if 546 00:39:49,760 --> 00:39:51,600 Speaker 1: you just want to see when things are coming out, 547 00:39:51,960 --> 00:39:55,399 Speaker 1: please follow me at that Psychology podcast. And I also 548 00:39:55,440 --> 00:39:58,759 Speaker 1: have a Patreon, the Psychology of Your Twenties. If you 549 00:39:59,080 --> 00:40:01,319 Speaker 1: want to support this, go a little bit more and 550 00:40:01,400 --> 00:40:04,960 Speaker 1: support the kind of content that I'm putting out. We 551 00:40:05,040 --> 00:40:08,160 Speaker 1: will be back next week with another episode. See you then,