1
00:00:10,039 --> 00:00:12,800
Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to another new episode of

2
00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:15,920
Speaker 1: Couch Talks. My name is Kat and I am the

3
00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:19,320
Speaker 1: host of You Need Therapy, and Couch Talks is the

4
00:00:19,360 --> 00:00:23,440
Speaker 1: bonus episode of You Need Therapy where I answer questions

5
00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:26,920
Speaker 1: that you guys send into me at Catherine at You

6
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:30,240
Speaker 1: Need Therapy podcast dot com. And today's the day where

7
00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:33,519
Speaker 1: I answer some of those questions. So before we get started,

8
00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:37,159
Speaker 1: let me remind you that this is not therapy. This

9
00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:40,160
Speaker 1: is just a podcast where a therapist is talking about

10
00:00:40,400 --> 00:00:44,360
Speaker 1: feelings and things and answering some questions, but not giving

11
00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:48,200
Speaker 1: the therapy via podcast, because we know by now that's impossible.

12
00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:51,360
Speaker 1: So today we have two questions. I try to stick

13
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:54,960
Speaker 1: to two, we always keep them anonymous, and I think

14
00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:57,400
Speaker 1: we should just get right into it. So here's the

15
00:00:57,440 --> 00:01:00,720
Speaker 1: first question. Hey, Kat, I have a question about dating.

16
00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:03,000
Speaker 1: I've been dating a guy for about six months now,

17
00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:05,080
Speaker 1: and I wouldn't say things are going great, but I

18
00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:07,319
Speaker 1: wouldn't say things are going bad. I'm not in a

19
00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:10,080
Speaker 1: rush to get married and have kids. My question is

20
00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:12,240
Speaker 1: kind of the opposite. How do you know if it's

21
00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:14,520
Speaker 1: time to break up or move on in a relationship

22
00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:17,200
Speaker 1: If it isn't bad. I don't exactly know how to

23
00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:20,440
Speaker 1: describe the dynamic, but nothing is wrong per se. Could

24
00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:23,480
Speaker 1: this be like an avoidment attachment thing? How can you

25
00:01:23,520 --> 00:01:25,600
Speaker 1: tell if it's just not the right person? Thank you

26
00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:30,560
Speaker 1: love the podcast. All right, fantastic question. And you know,

27
00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:33,360
Speaker 1: as always, I can't tell you exactly what to do

28
00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:35,960
Speaker 1: here or exactly the answer here, but we can't talk

29
00:01:35,959 --> 00:01:39,320
Speaker 1: about what's going on. And there's a huge difference in

30
00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:42,000
Speaker 1: somebody just not being the person for you and somebody

31
00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:46,480
Speaker 1: being avoidant and somebody acting out of a an insecure,

32
00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:49,680
Speaker 1: avoidant attachment wound. You're gonna have to ask yourself a

33
00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:52,600
Speaker 1: lot of questions. I think it's really interesting and it's

34
00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:54,960
Speaker 1: something that we really should talk about more of. What

35
00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:57,120
Speaker 1: does it mean if a relationship isn't really good, but

36
00:01:57,160 --> 00:02:00,200
Speaker 1: if it isn't really bad? Okay? There could be so

37
00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:02,480
Speaker 1: much in that. Are you bored? Do you find him

38
00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:06,120
Speaker 1: an annoying? Or do you find that person just blah?

39
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:09,440
Speaker 1: There's so much in that. What makes it okay? What

40
00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:11,639
Speaker 1: do you do you like anything about it? And what

41
00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:13,880
Speaker 1: does good versus bad even mean? Like? What does a

42
00:02:13,880 --> 00:02:16,080
Speaker 1: good relationship to you? What does that look like? What

43
00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:18,920
Speaker 1: does a bad relationship look like, because that's all subjective

44
00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:22,080
Speaker 1: based on what you've seen, what you've experienced in all

45
00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:26,240
Speaker 1: of that. Something that I love to remind people, and

46
00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:29,760
Speaker 1: I love to encourage people as they begin dating and

47
00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:32,440
Speaker 1: even into the dating process, because I think, especially in

48
00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:34,800
Speaker 1: the beginning of the dating process, and this is six months,

49
00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:37,480
Speaker 1: is still kind of new depending on what you believe,

50
00:02:37,639 --> 00:02:40,280
Speaker 1: but there's this like rush to figure it out a

51
00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:42,280
Speaker 1: lot of times. So it's like, I did this guy,

52
00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:43,760
Speaker 1: I don't know if I like him or not. I

53
00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:45,359
Speaker 1: did this guy I don't know if I want to

54
00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:47,320
Speaker 1: be in a relationship with. And I'm dating this guy.

55
00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:49,000
Speaker 1: I met this guy, I met this girl, I met

56
00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:52,680
Speaker 1: this person, whoever it may be, And there is this innate,

57
00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:55,280
Speaker 1: like immediate feeling that I have to figure out if

58
00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:57,560
Speaker 1: I want to keep dating this person, so then I

59
00:02:57,560 --> 00:02:59,320
Speaker 1: can figure out if I want to marry this person.

60
00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:01,280
Speaker 1: That's what it feels psych a lot, and so I

61
00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:04,360
Speaker 1: like to ask people or remind people that you don't

62
00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:06,960
Speaker 1: have to know anything right now. You don't have to

63
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:08,440
Speaker 1: know if you want to spend the rest of your

64
00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:11,080
Speaker 1: life with that person. What you have to know and

65
00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:13,440
Speaker 1: what the question you need to ask yourself is do

66
00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:16,240
Speaker 1: I want to see them again? It's not can this

67
00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:19,280
Speaker 1: person be the parent to my children? It's not does

68
00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:21,920
Speaker 1: this person want to move to the same city I

69
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:23,919
Speaker 1: will want to move to in five years. It's not

70
00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:26,280
Speaker 1: any of that. It's do I want to see this

71
00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:28,480
Speaker 1: person again? Do I want to spend time with this

72
00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:32,320
Speaker 1: person again? Okay? If the answer is yes, keep doing it.

73
00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:34,880
Speaker 1: If the answer is no, then maybe we need to

74
00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:38,440
Speaker 1: talk about why that's a no. And that's maybe a

75
00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:40,920
Speaker 1: clue to you. But there's a lot of pressure to

76
00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:44,000
Speaker 1: just figure things out now. The other thing here is

77
00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:46,920
Speaker 1: what I hear in this question is there is a

78
00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:51,160
Speaker 1: hesitancy to make sure you are not running away from

79
00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:54,600
Speaker 1: a relationship, because that's where I got that from the

80
00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:57,520
Speaker 1: is this an avoidant attachment thing versus it's just not

81
00:03:57,600 --> 00:04:00,080
Speaker 1: the right person? Well, there's so much more to that.

82
00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:04,000
Speaker 1: But somebody acting out of an avoidant attachment is somebody

83
00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:09,160
Speaker 1: who is probably afraid of the level of intimacy or

84
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:14,520
Speaker 1: seriousness or expectation that the relationship is offering or carrying

85
00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:17,359
Speaker 1: as you move forward. So in the beginning of a relationship,

86
00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:19,040
Speaker 1: everything can be fine because there's not really a lot

87
00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:22,159
Speaker 1: of expectations were just having fun and then more serious

88
00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:25,920
Speaker 1: it gets. That's when the avoidance stuff pops up, because

89
00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:28,480
Speaker 1: it's not just about spending time and hanging out and

90
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:32,840
Speaker 1: doing fun things and dating. It becomes about a relationship

91
00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:35,840
Speaker 1: and being intimate and needing and providing things to other

92
00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:40,280
Speaker 1: people and being vulnerable. And when we become super vulnerable

93
00:04:40,279 --> 00:04:44,520
Speaker 1: with the people, then the rejection and the ability to

94
00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:47,960
Speaker 1: be hurt becomes bigger. And when we are acting out

95
00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:50,720
Speaker 1: of avoidant attachments, we don't do those things. We just

96
00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:53,800
Speaker 1: leave before we have to feel feelings. So I can't

97
00:04:53,839 --> 00:04:56,040
Speaker 1: tell you if you're acting out of that or not.

98
00:04:56,320 --> 00:04:59,800
Speaker 1: But what I can encourage you to do is read

99
00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:01,919
Speaker 1: books and if you are in therapy, talk about it

100
00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:04,880
Speaker 1: with your therapist. Listen to the Attachment two point oh

101
00:05:04,920 --> 00:05:07,279
Speaker 1: podcasts although it sounds like you already did, and maybe

102
00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:11,320
Speaker 1: identify if that's even where you lean on your attachment scale.

103
00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:15,000
Speaker 1: So do that first. Figuring this out is can be challenging,

104
00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:18,440
Speaker 1: and there's just a lot of questions that I would ask,

105
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,640
Speaker 1: and I would encourage you to ask. Is the pool

106
00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:22,680
Speaker 1: to stay in the relationship stronger? Is the pool to

107
00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:26,440
Speaker 1: leave the relationship stronger? What's scary about leaving this relationship,

108
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:30,200
Speaker 1: what's scary about staying this relationship, what's exciting about leaving

109
00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:33,719
Speaker 1: the relationship, what's exciting about staying in the relationship. What

110
00:05:33,839 --> 00:05:36,400
Speaker 1: do I really enjoy about this person? What do I

111
00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:40,240
Speaker 1: feel is missing from this relationship? So once you answer

112
00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:43,520
Speaker 1: all those questions, you're gonna have much more information rather

113
00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:46,719
Speaker 1: than just it's not going great, but it's not going bad.

114
00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:50,000
Speaker 1: I don't really know what that means. And I'm sure

115
00:05:50,120 --> 00:05:51,680
Speaker 1: you didn't give me all the details because you're just

116
00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:54,719
Speaker 1: sending me an email asking a question. But I think

117
00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:56,800
Speaker 1: when you're asking, how do you know, well, you we

118
00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:59,120
Speaker 1: have to pull in some more information. So pull in

119
00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:01,479
Speaker 1: some more information. And then once you see that and

120
00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:04,400
Speaker 1: maybe you write it down. It's really helpful to have

121
00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:07,360
Speaker 1: things written down on paper so you can actually see

122
00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:10,120
Speaker 1: and it's not cycling in your head. Once it's written down,

123
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:12,960
Speaker 1: you can look at it and you can say, oh, okay,

124
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:16,159
Speaker 1: so this information is actually what I'm dealing with. Is

125
00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:18,279
Speaker 1: this the relationship that I want to be in? And

126
00:06:18,279 --> 00:06:20,080
Speaker 1: then there's the other part. I said this kind of

127
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,560
Speaker 1: in the beginning of answering this, but a good relationship

128
00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:24,919
Speaker 1: for one person might not be a good relationship for

129
00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:27,880
Speaker 1: somebody else. We all have different levels of desires and

130
00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:31,880
Speaker 1: wants and needs and and ideals and relationships. And one

131
00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:34,920
Speaker 1: person might say, oh, man, I would just die if

132
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:37,440
Speaker 1: I was in that relationship, that they must be this

133
00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:40,240
Speaker 1: or that, But that might be somebody's ideal. So it

134
00:06:40,279 --> 00:06:43,160
Speaker 1: also comes down to your preferences and what your desires

135
00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:45,880
Speaker 1: for relationship and what your desires for your life look like.

136
00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:49,640
Speaker 1: So write those down and then does the relationship you

137
00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:52,279
Speaker 1: have matched that. So I'd be interested in once you

138
00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:54,280
Speaker 1: have all that stuff down and once you look at that,

139
00:06:54,520 --> 00:07:03,039
Speaker 1: what comes up in you. I think it's time we

140
00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:07,440
Speaker 1: move on to our next question. Hi Cat, I hope

141
00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:09,560
Speaker 1: this email finds you well. I've been listening to your

142
00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:12,240
Speaker 1: podcast recently and I just wanted to say thank you.

143
00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:14,560
Speaker 1: My mother was a marriage and family therapist and I

144
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:17,560
Speaker 1: lost her about three years ago. Listening to you brings

145
00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:20,080
Speaker 1: me comfort. I think it's because it reminds me of

146
00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:22,080
Speaker 1: all the talks I had with my mother growing up.

147
00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:24,720
Speaker 1: We used to sit and talk for hours about life,

148
00:07:24,760 --> 00:07:27,800
Speaker 1: and I miss those moments so much. Listening to you

149
00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:29,880
Speaker 1: makes me feel close to her, So thank you. I

150
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:32,480
Speaker 1: had a question that maybe you could answer on one

151
00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:35,360
Speaker 1: of your Q and A episodes. It's about living in

152
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:37,600
Speaker 1: the past. A lot of people struggle with living in

153
00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:40,520
Speaker 1: the past and letting the past go and moving on.

154
00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:42,720
Speaker 1: I had to move out of my home state when

155
00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:45,120
Speaker 1: my mom passed away abruptly, and even though it's been

156
00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:47,960
Speaker 1: three years, I still find myself wishing I was part

157
00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:50,960
Speaker 1: of my old life, the life I had before everything changed.

158
00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:53,840
Speaker 1: I feel guilty about it because I have an amazing

159
00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:56,480
Speaker 1: husband and a beautiful daughter who I love dearly. But

160
00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:59,560
Speaker 1: for some reason, my mind always wanders back to day

161
00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:02,600
Speaker 1: dreamy and about the past, past friendships in my hometown,

162
00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:05,360
Speaker 1: past memories, what I would be doing if I still

163
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:08,640
Speaker 1: lived there, et cetera. Life has changed since then. My

164
00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:10,920
Speaker 1: life is so different now, so I know, deep down

165
00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:13,800
Speaker 1: nothing we'll go back to how it was. Why is

166
00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:16,320
Speaker 1: it so hard to accept and move on anyway, It's

167
00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:18,119
Speaker 1: just something that's been in my mind. If you've already

168
00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:20,320
Speaker 1: touched based on something similar, let me know and I'll

169
00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:24,360
Speaker 1: tack it down. Thank you again. Wow. I mean, first off,

170
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:27,120
Speaker 1: I want to say I'm so sorry, so so sorry

171
00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:30,240
Speaker 1: for your loss, and I can't imagine what you might

172
00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:32,840
Speaker 1: be feeling still after three years. I don't think we

173
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,040
Speaker 1: can put a timeline on that kind of stuff, and

174
00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:38,480
Speaker 1: losing a parent is one of the strangest and toughest

175
00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:42,280
Speaker 1: things to cope with, So I am so sorry. I

176
00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:45,320
Speaker 1: am grateful for your question, though, so let's get into it.

177
00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:48,760
Speaker 1: To start as well, I want to say, it is

178
00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:51,160
Speaker 1: okay that you look back on your old life and

179
00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:53,520
Speaker 1: miss it. That doesn't mean you don't like your new

180
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:56,719
Speaker 1: life or the life you have now, or that you're ungrateful.

181
00:08:57,000 --> 00:09:00,240
Speaker 1: It just means you liked how things were before. That's it,

182
00:09:00,679 --> 00:09:03,920
Speaker 1: and you can both miss your old life and love

183
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:06,360
Speaker 1: the one you have right now at the same time.

184
00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:09,000
Speaker 1: They don't cancel each other out, and that goes for

185
00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:11,120
Speaker 1: all people and all things. Also, I want to say

186
00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:14,200
Speaker 1: up top, since this is a little, not a little,

187
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:17,400
Speaker 1: a lot about grief, grief has no end, right. There's

188
00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:20,560
Speaker 1: not like a finish line to grief, which is confusing

189
00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:23,440
Speaker 1: to some people. There's literally no end goal. It is

190
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,880
Speaker 1: something that just kind of lives forever and changes as

191
00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:29,280
Speaker 1: time moves, and the process is different for everyone. To me,

192
00:09:29,559 --> 00:09:33,040
Speaker 1: three years isn't a long time, especially when coping with

193
00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:35,080
Speaker 1: the death of a parent, especially a parent that you

194
00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:37,560
Speaker 1: have a really close bond with. I would assume that

195
00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:40,480
Speaker 1: if my mom died suddenly, it would take me much

196
00:09:40,559 --> 00:09:42,960
Speaker 1: longer than three years to stop wishing life was back

197
00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:46,800
Speaker 1: to what it was before she passed, if that ever changed.

198
00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:50,160
Speaker 1: I also think it's important to note here that we

199
00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:53,160
Speaker 1: can accept the changes that our grief brings, but that

200
00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:55,760
Speaker 1: doesn't mean we forget about parts of our life. Right,

201
00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:58,280
Speaker 1: so we can accept the change in our life, it

202
00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:00,199
Speaker 1: doesn't mean we erased that part of our life from

203
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:03,640
Speaker 1: our brains. Healing doesn't mean we are raised things from

204
00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:06,000
Speaker 1: our brains. It means we learn how to live within

205
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:10,280
Speaker 1: and with the circumstances that life has dealt to us.

206
00:10:10,679 --> 00:10:12,960
Speaker 1: So when things in stories and parts of our past

207
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,640
Speaker 1: pop back up, it doesn't mean we're doing a bad

208
00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:18,160
Speaker 1: job of moving forward. That doesn't mean that at all.

209
00:10:18,679 --> 00:10:21,240
Speaker 1: It means exactly what you're thinking, You really like that

210
00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:23,480
Speaker 1: part of your life and you wish it didn't end.

211
00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:26,640
Speaker 1: That doesn't mean, like I said before, that you don't

212
00:10:26,679 --> 00:10:28,880
Speaker 1: like what you have now, or that what you have

213
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:31,200
Speaker 1: now isn't good. And also I have to say this

214
00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:33,880
Speaker 1: because I bet some people may be feeling it. It

215
00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:36,319
Speaker 1: is okay to like one part of your life more

216
00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:38,320
Speaker 1: than the other. It is what it is like. We

217
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:40,559
Speaker 1: can't change that, and that's not a bad thing. Like

218
00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:43,760
Speaker 1: people have preferences if if you don't attach a ton

219
00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:48,400
Speaker 1: of meaning to that situation, it's natural for humans who

220
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:51,640
Speaker 1: have preferences, and that includes different stages of life. I

221
00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:53,600
Speaker 1: know when I look back at my life, I can

222
00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:55,680
Speaker 1: pick parts of my life I liked better than others.

223
00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:58,800
Speaker 1: That's okay. You don't have to like the part of

224
00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:02,480
Speaker 1: your life you're in now more than every other part. Now,

225
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:06,040
Speaker 1: let's talk about the specific question here that you asked,

226
00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:08,520
Speaker 1: why do people struggle with living in the past and

227
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:11,960
Speaker 1: letting go and moving on? And of course I don't

228
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:14,600
Speaker 1: think there's one answer here. I think there are so

229
00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:17,240
Speaker 1: many reasons we could be living in the past. But

230
00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:19,640
Speaker 1: I also think a lot of those reasons come down

231
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:23,320
Speaker 1: to something that ties them all together, and that is

232
00:11:23,679 --> 00:11:26,560
Speaker 1: the fact that we all have an imagination, and we

233
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:29,880
Speaker 1: all as humans are hardwired for wonder and we are

234
00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:33,040
Speaker 1: hardwired to use that part of our brain, our imagination. Now,

235
00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:35,800
Speaker 1: our brains have this insane ability to just cook up

236
00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:38,720
Speaker 1: millions of scenarios and stories at once. About whatever we want,

237
00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:42,240
Speaker 1: and it's really quite amazing. It is quite quite amazing.

238
00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:43,880
Speaker 1: And I will say this. I want to add that

239
00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:47,280
Speaker 1: depending on trauma and what you've been through and and

240
00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:49,800
Speaker 1: if you're struggling with PTSD and all of that, that

241
00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:52,800
Speaker 1: does affect your imagination and that can affect that part

242
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:56,600
Speaker 1: of your creative brain. And so sometimes we get stuck

243
00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:59,960
Speaker 1: and our brain can't create more stories and we stay

244
00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:03,160
Speaker 1: a rooted in one story. So that's one area that

245
00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:04,920
Speaker 1: I'm not going to get super into, but I did

246
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:08,000
Speaker 1: want to say that because I think sometimes people can't

247
00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:11,920
Speaker 1: get past the past because they've been traumatized and they're

248
00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:14,960
Speaker 1: stuck there and it is their current present. And that's

249
00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:17,720
Speaker 1: one how do I say that, I guess an extreme

250
00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:20,520
Speaker 1: version of why do people get stuck? But if we're

251
00:12:20,559 --> 00:12:22,560
Speaker 1: talking about just generally, because I think a lot of

252
00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:27,120
Speaker 1: people do this who don't have PTSD, that has to

253
00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:29,520
Speaker 1: do with the fact that we wonder a lot, and

254
00:12:29,520 --> 00:12:32,160
Speaker 1: our brains can make stories. And so sometimes when we

255
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:34,520
Speaker 1: are talking about living in the past and what life

256
00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:37,440
Speaker 1: would have or could have been, we are living into

257
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:39,920
Speaker 1: that just all of those stories that we were able

258
00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:42,400
Speaker 1: to make up. And when we get to do that,

259
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:45,880
Speaker 1: we can bypass some of the pain and dissatisfaction or

260
00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:49,360
Speaker 1: even discomfort that may be lingering in our present moment.

261
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:52,600
Speaker 1: So there is part of our life today that feels

262
00:12:52,679 --> 00:12:56,960
Speaker 1: ick or not good enough, or just dissatisfied with. What

263
00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:59,760
Speaker 1: our brains can do is they can go and create

264
00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:03,040
Speaker 1: all these stories. We can go into the present, or

265
00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:05,640
Speaker 1: we can go into the past, and we can do

266
00:13:05,679 --> 00:13:07,360
Speaker 1: a lot of what ifs, or it could have been,

267
00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:09,520
Speaker 1: or it should have been. We can create a lot

268
00:13:09,559 --> 00:13:12,400
Speaker 1: of those stories and it helps us cope. What that

269
00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:15,160
Speaker 1: is is it's a coping mechanism. We get to play

270
00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:17,400
Speaker 1: a game where bad things don't happen and good things

271
00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:19,800
Speaker 1: are the majority, and that feels really good. I also

272
00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:23,800
Speaker 1: talk about something I like to call rosie retrospect quite

273
00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:27,040
Speaker 1: often in sessions with clients. I'm not sure if we've

274
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:30,880
Speaker 1: ever talked about it on the podcast, but this usually

275
00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:35,320
Speaker 1: gets tied into past relationships or people who are struggling

276
00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:38,280
Speaker 1: finding sobriety from any kind of addiction that they are

277
00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:40,840
Speaker 1: struggling with. What this is is when we do this

278
00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:42,840
Speaker 1: thing where we look back on parts of our lives

279
00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:48,160
Speaker 1: and we make the usual unconscious usually unconscious choice to

280
00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:52,320
Speaker 1: only remember the good parts. So we'll remember partying and

281
00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:55,240
Speaker 1: and maybe we're struggling with drinking, and we'll remember partying

282
00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:58,120
Speaker 1: and having fun, and we'll forget about the hangovers or

283
00:13:58,160 --> 00:14:01,120
Speaker 1: getting sick, or the anxiety felt the next day, or

284
00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:04,040
Speaker 1: certain decisions or certain fights that happened. Or you'll look

285
00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:06,640
Speaker 1: back on a relationship and you'll remember the trips and

286
00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:09,840
Speaker 1: the banter and the sexual chemistry, and you'll forget about

287
00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:13,880
Speaker 1: the feeling you had of being disposable or manipulated, or

288
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,920
Speaker 1: just being sad or feeling worthless, or the fights or

289
00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:18,880
Speaker 1: any of that. So we do this thing where we

290
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:22,760
Speaker 1: have Rosie retrospect, and we'll go back to our path,

291
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:25,640
Speaker 1: but we'll only let our brains go to the good parts,

292
00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:29,120
Speaker 1: and we'll convince ourselves that that was better, That was good.

293
00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:32,320
Speaker 1: That's what we want, and that's why a lot of

294
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:36,160
Speaker 1: us get stuck in, like I said, past relationships and

295
00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:39,960
Speaker 1: wonder and and and ruminating them. And it's hard for

296
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:43,000
Speaker 1: a lot of people to make necessary changes to move

297
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:45,120
Speaker 1: forward in their present when it comes to struggling with

298
00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:48,720
Speaker 1: addiction or ikey coping skills, because we can look back

299
00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:51,480
Speaker 1: and we only remember the stories that we like and

300
00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:54,280
Speaker 1: we stay rooted in those stories, and so that can

301
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:56,360
Speaker 1: even be tied to what we're kind of talking about

302
00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:59,960
Speaker 1: today with this, UM listeners. Current situation is you look

303
00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:02,240
Speaker 1: back on this part of your life and you're you're

304
00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:04,920
Speaker 1: remembering all of the good things, like the times with

305
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:08,480
Speaker 1: your mom, your friends, certain things that you did, but

306
00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:11,640
Speaker 1: you're not picking up and remembering all the times you

307
00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:14,080
Speaker 1: felt like you feel now right, you're going back and

308
00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:16,920
Speaker 1: you're only picking up like the gold pieces now. To me,

309
00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:20,040
Speaker 1: this specific scenario has more to do with grief than

310
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:23,200
Speaker 1: just living in the past. Losing a parent, especially when

311
00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:26,360
Speaker 1: you have such a strong bond with is, like I

312
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:28,440
Speaker 1: said earlier, one of the hardest things in the world

313
00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:31,680
Speaker 1: to experience. And I'm just going to assume that it's

314
00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:34,080
Speaker 1: still hard, and I don't know that this is something

315
00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:37,680
Speaker 1: that ever gets easier. UM. You just find ways to cope.

316
00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:41,360
Speaker 1: And we are talking straight up about grief right here,

317
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:44,160
Speaker 1: and grief is a process that pools us all over

318
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:47,600
Speaker 1: the place. And when we can't get past acceptance, which

319
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:50,120
Speaker 1: is part of the grief process, it's it's one of

320
00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:52,400
Speaker 1: the stages when we can't move through that we can

321
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:54,960
Speaker 1: get rooted in what we used to have, what life

322
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:58,720
Speaker 1: looked like before the tragedy or the event. So living

323
00:15:58,720 --> 00:16:01,320
Speaker 1: in the past becomes that coping skill. It becomes a

324
00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,800
Speaker 1: skill to cope with your grief. And the thing is,

325
00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:07,000
Speaker 1: you need coping skills because acceptance is hard. It's like

326
00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:10,040
Speaker 1: the worst thing. If I didn't have to acknowledge certain

327
00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:12,280
Speaker 1: things that have happened in my life and I could

328
00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:15,240
Speaker 1: allow them to have not have happened, I would do that.

329
00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:18,800
Speaker 1: The problem here is that the problem that I am

330
00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:21,720
Speaker 1: interpreting here is that because you are coping in this

331
00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:24,760
Speaker 1: way by living in the past and kind of pointing

332
00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:28,200
Speaker 1: around with some of that rosy retrospect, you are missing

333
00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:30,800
Speaker 1: out or you're afraid you are missing out on good

334
00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:32,560
Speaker 1: that you know you have in front of you, and

335
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:35,480
Speaker 1: it's causing you some guilt, right, And this would be

336
00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:38,480
Speaker 1: my encouragement to sit and answer for yourself the question

337
00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:41,160
Speaker 1: that you asked me at the end, and that question

338
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:43,400
Speaker 1: was I know, deep down nothing will go back to

339
00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:45,800
Speaker 1: how it was, So why is it so hard to

340
00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:48,920
Speaker 1: accept and move on? Because I bet if you really

341
00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:51,440
Speaker 1: sat and if you ask yourself, you would come up

342
00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:54,560
Speaker 1: with an answer to this question. And that's usually most

343
00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:56,960
Speaker 1: of the questions that people ask me in general, especially

344
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:59,320
Speaker 1: in my office, if I ask it right back to them,

345
00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:02,280
Speaker 1: they eventually could answer it right. So if you sat

346
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:04,159
Speaker 1: down and you ask yourself this question, I bet you

347
00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:06,840
Speaker 1: could come up with an answer, a much more specific

348
00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:09,240
Speaker 1: and real answer that I can provide for you, because

349
00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:10,959
Speaker 1: I'm not in your brain and I'm not feeling your

350
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:14,000
Speaker 1: stuff and I haven't lived your life now. I would

351
00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:17,080
Speaker 1: also add in there, like what is hard to accept

352
00:17:17,080 --> 00:17:19,800
Speaker 1: about your life? Now? If you were to accept um

353
00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:22,640
Speaker 1: the present moment, what's hard about that? And if you knew,

354
00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:26,320
Speaker 1: if you knew what is hard about accepting your life,

355
00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:28,840
Speaker 1: would that actually make it easier for you to accept

356
00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:31,880
Speaker 1: it or to just be information? Because I also think

357
00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:34,959
Speaker 1: there's a more important question line inside this entire dialogue,

358
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:38,440
Speaker 1: and that is what do I need? We're not asking

359
00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:41,639
Speaker 1: for wise, We're asking what do I need in order

360
00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:44,439
Speaker 1: to honor the parts of my life that I miss

361
00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:48,080
Speaker 1: and enjoy the gifts in my present At the same time,

362
00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:51,320
Speaker 1: instead of asking that question, why, ask yourself the question

363
00:17:51,359 --> 00:17:53,280
Speaker 1: what what do I need in order to honor the

364
00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:56,160
Speaker 1: parts of my life that I miss and I'm grieving

365
00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:59,280
Speaker 1: and enjoy the gifts in my present, and I think

366
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:02,280
Speaker 1: that's gonna lead you to more of a healing process

367
00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:06,960
Speaker 1: than any psychological digging of the brain that I can

368
00:18:07,119 --> 00:18:09,639
Speaker 1: offer you. That's where we're gonna end this one. And

369
00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:11,560
Speaker 1: I'm just going to offer you those questions to sit

370
00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:14,000
Speaker 1: down and take some time to answer for yourself and

371
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:17,000
Speaker 1: don't force them, find yourself in a space where you

372
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:20,080
Speaker 1: feel open and and available and and just maybe do

373
00:18:20,119 --> 00:18:23,240
Speaker 1: some journaline about those things and see what comes up. Okay,

374
00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:28,399
Speaker 1: And that wraps up this episode of couch Talks. Thank you,

375
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:31,160
Speaker 1: guys for being in this with me. As always, thank

376
00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:33,119
Speaker 1: you for the questions. If you have one, send it

377
00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:37,200
Speaker 1: to Catherine at you Need Therapy podcast dot com, follow

378
00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:40,439
Speaker 1: me and the podcast cat dot de Fatah and you

379
00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:44,520
Speaker 1: Need Therapy Podcast on Instagram, and have the rest of

380
00:18:44,520 --> 00:18:46,520
Speaker 1: the week that you need to have. Bye, guys,