1 00:00:04,160 --> 00:00:05,880 Speaker 1: There Are No Girls on the Internet, as a production 2 00:00:05,920 --> 00:00:13,000 Speaker 1: of I Heart Radio and unbost Creative. I'm Bridget Todd, 3 00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:14,840 Speaker 1: and this is There Are No Girls on the Internet. 4 00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:21,439 Speaker 1: Snow is falling, bells are ringing. Yes, it's the holiday 5 00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:24,360 Speaker 1: season and I wanted to do a special holiday themed 6 00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:26,560 Speaker 1: episode exploring a thesis that I have had in my 7 00:00:26,600 --> 00:00:29,639 Speaker 1: head for a while now. Social media is making the 8 00:00:29,680 --> 00:00:33,800 Speaker 1: holidays worse for everyone, especially for women. Now, I'm not 9 00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:36,680 Speaker 1: a hundred percent certain about where I stand on this, 10 00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:39,360 Speaker 1: So in this episode, we'll be looking at some research 11 00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:41,959 Speaker 1: and we'll also be hearing from three women about their 12 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:44,960 Speaker 1: thoughts about the holiday season. So I first got to 13 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:48,400 Speaker 1: be in my bonnet about social media's impact on the holidays, 14 00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:51,680 Speaker 1: not about Christmas, but it was actually from last year's 15 00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:55,000 Speaker 1: Easter season. You know, I don't think of Easter as 16 00:00:55,040 --> 00:00:57,280 Speaker 1: a holiday where there is a ton of pressure to 17 00:00:57,360 --> 00:01:01,360 Speaker 1: like go big, even if you have kids. It's traditionally, 18 00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:04,480 Speaker 1: I think, been a fairly straightforward holiday celebration. You know, 19 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:07,759 Speaker 1: you get one of those egg kits from the grocery store, 20 00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:11,080 Speaker 1: maybe you do an Easter basket. If you're really trying 21 00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:13,559 Speaker 1: to go all out, maybe somebody dresses like an Easter 22 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:16,920 Speaker 1: bunny and surprises the kids. But you wouldn't know any 23 00:01:16,959 --> 00:01:19,720 Speaker 1: of that from the photos that the Kardashian family posted 24 00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:23,400 Speaker 1: from their Easter celebration on social media. It was predictably 25 00:01:23,640 --> 00:01:26,120 Speaker 1: very over the top. A link to a photo of 26 00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:28,160 Speaker 1: it in the show notes because it really needs to 27 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:32,080 Speaker 1: be seen to be understood. But the display is beyond opulent. 28 00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:35,680 Speaker 1: They've got four pink Cruiser bikes lined up in a row, 29 00:01:36,319 --> 00:01:40,199 Speaker 1: several massive Easter baskets filled to the brim with candy 30 00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:44,080 Speaker 1: and toys, personalized chocolate eggs the size of your head 31 00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:48,200 Speaker 1: as dinner table play settings for hot pink full size 32 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:52,360 Speaker 1: gumball machines. Now, obviously we're talking about the Kardashians here, 33 00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:54,560 Speaker 1: and there are a family that I don't really think 34 00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:58,520 Speaker 1: is known for being understated, And of course they are 35 00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:03,080 Speaker 1: fabulously famous sleep very wealthy, so obviously they could afford 36 00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:06,240 Speaker 1: such a lavish display. But when they posted it to 37 00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:09,880 Speaker 1: social media, I think they were probably expecting the usual 38 00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:13,520 Speaker 1: ooze and as from onlookers, but the response was really 39 00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:19,680 Speaker 1: more like yah. One TikToker responded saying, quote, the people 40 00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:21,960 Speaker 1: and the planet need a cultural shift of the way 41 00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:24,359 Speaker 1: that we think of consumption. At what point will we 42 00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:29,320 Speaker 1: not post hyper consumption? And this TikToker wasn't alone. I 43 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:32,840 Speaker 1: actually think the response to the Kardashian Easter video shows 44 00:02:32,880 --> 00:02:34,800 Speaker 1: that maybe we're at a point where we're asking some 45 00:02:34,919 --> 00:02:38,680 Speaker 1: questions about these digital displays that just screamed bye bye bye, 46 00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:42,040 Speaker 1: and instead of being impressed by opulent, over the top 47 00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:44,919 Speaker 1: displays for the holidays, I think people are just kind 48 00:02:44,919 --> 00:02:47,959 Speaker 1: of over them, or at least being honest about the 49 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:50,800 Speaker 1: way they make us feel, particularly during a time of 50 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:54,400 Speaker 1: economic instability and uncertainty. I think opening up a social 51 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:58,440 Speaker 1: media app and seeing opulent displays just hits differently, and 52 00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:00,560 Speaker 1: so I think when it comes to holidays, like Smiths, 53 00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:04,080 Speaker 1: social media can add pressure to over consume, over plan 54 00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:08,880 Speaker 1: over by a burden that falls mostly on women. Like 55 00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:11,160 Speaker 1: if you're not planning out and posting a cute picture 56 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:14,080 Speaker 1: of your whole family decked out and matching reindeer pajamas, 57 00:03:14,639 --> 00:03:17,239 Speaker 1: you're doing the holiday season wrong. Or if you don't 58 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:20,760 Speaker 1: have that picture perfect tree full of gifts, you're doing 59 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:23,240 Speaker 1: it wrong. Or if you don't spend the holiday season 60 00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:25,640 Speaker 1: with family at all, or don't celebrate them at all, 61 00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:28,760 Speaker 1: you're doing it wrong now. None of this is really 62 00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:31,720 Speaker 1: all that new. When I was a kid, folks would 63 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:34,760 Speaker 1: take Christmas family pictures down at the J. C. Penny 64 00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:37,800 Speaker 1: and maybe do a holiday family update letter or Christmas card, 65 00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:40,640 Speaker 1: and just like on social media today, it was meant 66 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:43,240 Speaker 1: to be a highlight reel of the family, not really 67 00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:47,000 Speaker 1: awards at all, accurate accounting of the year everyone actually had. 68 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:49,600 Speaker 1: And while those cards and letters would go to a 69 00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:52,440 Speaker 1: hand selected batch of friends and family, the addition of 70 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:56,080 Speaker 1: social media means that now it's algorithms and platforms deciding 71 00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:58,560 Speaker 1: how and to whom that content is served up to. 72 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,880 Speaker 1: And because we're talking thing about social media here, that 73 00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:04,600 Speaker 1: means that the more excessive and over the top the content, 74 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:08,640 Speaker 1: the better that content performs. Dr Steve rath Jay is 75 00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:11,600 Speaker 1: a psychology researcher at n y U. He wanted to 76 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:15,160 Speaker 1: answer the question why do influencers who show themselves making 77 00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:19,200 Speaker 1: iced coffee on social media always use so much coffee, 78 00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:21,640 Speaker 1: like more iced coffee than you would ever want to 79 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:25,080 Speaker 1: drink in one sitting. What his research found is really telling. 80 00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:27,760 Speaker 1: He found that on social media platforms, content that is 81 00:04:27,839 --> 00:04:31,680 Speaker 1: quote excessive, extreme, or intense is most likely to go viral, 82 00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:34,280 Speaker 1: and that even though most people are aware that this 83 00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:36,320 Speaker 1: is the kind of content that goes viral on social 84 00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:39,800 Speaker 1: media platforms, we don't actually want that to be the case. 85 00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:42,960 Speaker 1: In other words, as Dr rath Ja puts it, we 86 00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:46,560 Speaker 1: might not actually want to watch people making elaborate excessive 87 00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:48,919 Speaker 1: ice coffees, but we find that when they do, we 88 00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:52,000 Speaker 1: can't look away. And this leads social media companies to 89 00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:55,360 Speaker 1: prioritize content that might be good at capturing our attention, 90 00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:57,919 Speaker 1: but that we don't actually want to see and doesn't 91 00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:00,560 Speaker 1: always leave us feeling so good about ourselves. So now 92 00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:03,359 Speaker 1: apply all of this to the holiday content that we 93 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:07,960 Speaker 1: see on social media. Algorithms and platforms amplify excessive displays 94 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:13,480 Speaker 1: of holiday cheer, that massive, perfectly decorated tree, overflowing with gifts, 95 00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:15,880 Speaker 1: the ordinate tables, gape that looks like it's something out 96 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:18,360 Speaker 1: of a magazine that probably took hours to set up. 97 00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:20,720 Speaker 1: And also is it just me or are some of 98 00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:23,919 Speaker 1: the holiday displays not just getting more over the top 99 00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:27,600 Speaker 1: but also just getting weirder? I saw a holiday display 100 00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:30,800 Speaker 1: themed around the movie Elf. If you've seen Elf, you 101 00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:33,240 Speaker 1: know that Will Ferrell is half Elf, and that its 102 00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:36,960 Speaker 1: favorite ELF meal is spaghetti topped with syrup and candy 103 00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:40,040 Speaker 1: rather than spaghetti sauce. So in this social media photo, 104 00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:44,000 Speaker 1: someone took a photo of different colored spaghetti oozing out 105 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,240 Speaker 1: of these three big pots all over their stove and 106 00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:50,159 Speaker 1: onto the floor, decorated with marshmallows and candy. Again, a 107 00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:52,159 Speaker 1: link to the photo in the show notes because it 108 00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:55,000 Speaker 1: needs to be seen to be understood, and honestly, it 109 00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:57,400 Speaker 1: seems like the only reason someone would do something like 110 00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:00,679 Speaker 1: this is because the excessive nature of the photo pretty 111 00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:03,719 Speaker 1: much guarantees that it'll get traction on social media. But 112 00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:07,159 Speaker 1: would anyone actually ever do that in real life, if 113 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,479 Speaker 1: not simply to take a viral photo for the Graham 114 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:12,760 Speaker 1: platforms prioritize this content so we see more of it, 115 00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:15,479 Speaker 1: and I think it creates a cycle where these excessive 116 00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:19,040 Speaker 1: displays are normalized and then they become the normal way 117 00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:21,240 Speaker 1: to do the holidays. I don't feel like I need 118 00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:23,760 Speaker 1: to tell y'all. Social media makes it so easy to 119 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:27,719 Speaker 1: compare our holidays with the holidays of other people. Here's 120 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:29,640 Speaker 1: how Megan, a mom of two in Washington, d C, 121 00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:33,920 Speaker 1: explains it. Man Megan and I live in Washington, d C. 122 00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:37,440 Speaker 1: With my husband and our two young children at ages 123 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:41,200 Speaker 1: five and two. Of course, social media invites comparisons. That's 124 00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:43,320 Speaker 1: that's why we're all on it, right, That's why we 125 00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:45,880 Speaker 1: post on it is so that other people will like it, 126 00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:48,280 Speaker 1: and that we will feel good when other people like 127 00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:50,560 Speaker 1: and comments on our posts. And I'll be the first 128 00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:53,479 Speaker 1: tray bit that I I really enjoy the validation that 129 00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:55,760 Speaker 1: I get when I post a cute craft that my 130 00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:58,839 Speaker 1: kids do on social media or a really nice picture 131 00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:02,320 Speaker 1: of my family. I like those that affirmation UM and 132 00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:06,520 Speaker 1: I think that everyone does. I feel really lucky in 133 00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:09,800 Speaker 1: some ways that I'm not Christian and my family doesn't 134 00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:12,760 Speaker 1: celebrate Christmas, because I do feel like Christmas is a 135 00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:15,800 Speaker 1: very pressure cooker kind of situation for a lot of 136 00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:19,440 Speaker 1: families and moms in particular, and by virtue of the 137 00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:22,440 Speaker 1: fact that we don't celebrate Christmas, I I'm a little 138 00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:26,840 Speaker 1: bit absolved of that UM and I very much feel 139 00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:29,200 Speaker 1: like it allows me to enjoy the holidays that I 140 00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:31,680 Speaker 1: do celebrate in the wintertime or fall in winter a 141 00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:34,640 Speaker 1: little bit more because I'm not sort of anxious about 142 00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:39,800 Speaker 1: what does my Christmas posting going to look like. This 143 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,200 Speaker 1: is also a gender issue because if you're a parent, 144 00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:44,360 Speaker 1: and you're a woman raising a child with a man, 145 00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:49,040 Speaker 1: all of this excessive holiday cheer is really just mom work. 146 00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:52,560 Speaker 1: So the normalization of this need to create excessive holiday 147 00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:56,640 Speaker 1: displays are not created by elves or pixies or don't 148 00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:59,800 Speaker 1: just appear via the power of Christmas magic. It really 149 00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:02,920 Speaker 1: does falls on moms and it makes additional labor for them. 150 00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:06,320 Speaker 1: Christmas here is really the labor of a probably very 151 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:09,960 Speaker 1: tired mom. Here's Megan again. I don't want to speak 152 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:12,640 Speaker 1: universally for all moms, but I would say that personally 153 00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:17,080 Speaker 1: as a mom or in my role as mom, I 154 00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:20,600 Speaker 1: definitely feel like I take on more of the burden 155 00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:27,280 Speaker 1: of making holiday times special and fulfilling traditions or following 156 00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:31,679 Speaker 1: through on different ideas to make the holiday time special 157 00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:34,120 Speaker 1: that I've either seen on social media or that I've 158 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:36,360 Speaker 1: seen friends and family do that I want to emulate. 159 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:38,599 Speaker 1: I guess you could call it a burden, except that 160 00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:40,920 Speaker 1: it's something that I feel like I'm choosing to do 161 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:45,679 Speaker 1: and choosing to take the lead on. But it absolutely 162 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:51,120 Speaker 1: is I think something more unique to women and just 163 00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:55,000 Speaker 1: the nature of the conversations that they're having that you know, 164 00:08:55,120 --> 00:09:02,040 Speaker 1: it does kind of become more um that invisible mental 165 00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:05,000 Speaker 1: load for women, because you know, it's like a Thanksgiving, 166 00:09:05,679 --> 00:09:08,560 Speaker 1: a lot of the moms are sitting around talking about 167 00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:12,280 Speaker 1: what toys their kids are playing with, what size clothes 168 00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:14,840 Speaker 1: the kids are in. Now you know, oh, this is 169 00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:17,360 Speaker 1: um what their friends are into. And I just don't 170 00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:20,720 Speaker 1: know that the dads are having that same kind of conversation. 171 00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:23,920 Speaker 1: So then when it comes to gift giving, you know, 172 00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:27,720 Speaker 1: moms are in more of the position to you know, 173 00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:30,720 Speaker 1: be seeking out those gifts because they know what the 174 00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:33,240 Speaker 1: kids and the family are into where they you know, 175 00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:35,640 Speaker 1: they've been paying attention. And it's sort of just part 176 00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:39,320 Speaker 1: of the discourse among moms, I think, to talk about 177 00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:44,000 Speaker 1: their kids in different ways. And and of course those 178 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:50,760 Speaker 1: traditional gender roles are there too, where mom is the 179 00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:54,240 Speaker 1: person that kids included on the you know cousin gift swap, 180 00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:57,760 Speaker 1: or mom is the only one whose email address is 181 00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:03,280 Speaker 1: getting the you a class list from the school about 182 00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:05,720 Speaker 1: you know, what we're supposed to do for teacher gifts, 183 00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:08,720 Speaker 1: or they're the ones being reached out to by after 184 00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:11,320 Speaker 1: care about X y Z. You know, it's just it 185 00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,600 Speaker 1: doesn't matter if you put both parents names on it. 186 00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:16,280 Speaker 1: More often than not, Mom is the only one who 187 00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:18,160 Speaker 1: gets emailed or who is the one who gets called, 188 00:10:18,440 --> 00:10:20,920 Speaker 1: And so it's sort of defaults to that position of 189 00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:24,120 Speaker 1: putting mom in the driver's seat around a lot of 190 00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:29,559 Speaker 1: child rearing decision making and that invisible mental load um 191 00:10:29,559 --> 00:10:31,719 Speaker 1: around your kids. And that's even more true, I think 192 00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:34,959 Speaker 1: around the holidays. There is a fascinating article that breaks 193 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:38,479 Speaker 1: all of this down called the Gendering of Holiday Labor. Basically, 194 00:10:38,559 --> 00:10:42,040 Speaker 1: they found that in heterosexual relationships, women still do the 195 00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:45,080 Speaker 1: bulk of the domestic labor, and that labor multiplies during 196 00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:47,959 Speaker 1: the holidays, and that even if tasks and labor are 197 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:51,000 Speaker 1: split between parents, women still take on the role of 198 00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:54,199 Speaker 1: the warrior or the person who really feels the emotional 199 00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:56,480 Speaker 1: burden and weight of whether or not tasks are getting 200 00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:58,760 Speaker 1: done around the house. When it comes to what's known 201 00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:02,319 Speaker 1: as kin keeping, or the social role that women usually 202 00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:05,520 Speaker 1: take on of promoting and protecting relationships between family members, 203 00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:09,320 Speaker 1: women are basically doing it all. In a twenties seventeen 204 00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:13,720 Speaker 1: study on kinkeepers, Dr don oh Braith, wife who studies 205 00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:17,679 Speaker 1: personal and family relationships at the University of Nebraska Lincoln, 206 00:11:18,679 --> 00:11:22,920 Speaker 1: of self identified family kinkeepers are women. Dr braith wife 207 00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:27,520 Speaker 1: writes quote, for women who are already stretched thin during 208 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:30,480 Speaker 1: the holidays, as so many of these activities converge at once, 209 00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:34,680 Speaker 1: kinkeepers would likely to be stretched even more. And think 210 00:11:34,679 --> 00:11:37,160 Speaker 1: about it, like, moms have already had a pretty tough 211 00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:39,640 Speaker 1: go of it. A lot of the consequences that we're 212 00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:41,760 Speaker 1: still dealing with from the pandemic were just meant to 213 00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:44,840 Speaker 1: be absorbed by moms picking up the slack with very 214 00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:48,760 Speaker 1: little institutional help or support. And when you layer on 215 00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:52,280 Speaker 1: the pressures of social media, the work of kinkeepers can 216 00:11:52,320 --> 00:12:09,120 Speaker 1: become even more fraud Let's take a quick break at 217 00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:12,600 Speaker 1: our back. We feel extra pressure to share our families 218 00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:15,120 Speaker 1: and homes during the holiday season, which can just kind 219 00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:17,320 Speaker 1: of be a bummer if you're already feeling burdened by 220 00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:22,480 Speaker 1: I don't know everything else happening around us. Michelle Janning, 221 00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:25,960 Speaker 1: a sociologist and professor at Women College, studies how contemporary 222 00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:29,959 Speaker 1: families define themselves through domestic objects, and she said that 223 00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:33,040 Speaker 1: this stress can add to women feeling even more burnt out, 224 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:36,640 Speaker 1: burden and stressed emotionally. Quote if you add that the 225 00:12:36,679 --> 00:12:39,600 Speaker 1: holidays are a difficult time emotionally, for many people. It 226 00:12:39,679 --> 00:12:41,440 Speaker 1: makes a lot of sense for me to believe that 227 00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:44,600 Speaker 1: the difficulty of this season emotionally is heightened, and if 228 00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:47,559 Speaker 1: you have groups with different stress levels, it's heightened for women. 229 00:12:48,559 --> 00:12:50,720 Speaker 1: The pieces fascinating will link to it in the show notes, 230 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:52,360 Speaker 1: but it goes on to say that even if you 231 00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:56,640 Speaker 1: enjoy holiday merrymaking like decorating and buying gifts and cooking, 232 00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:00,480 Speaker 1: the enjoyment or gratification that you get for it can 233 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:03,200 Speaker 1: end up being combined with stress. But that because we 234 00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:06,559 Speaker 1: really might genuinely enjoy doing this work for our families, 235 00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:08,920 Speaker 1: because it can give us a sense of accomplishment or 236 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,080 Speaker 1: be an act of service or care, a way to 237 00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:13,200 Speaker 1: show our family that we love them, but that can 238 00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:16,280 Speaker 1: get all mixed up with the social and societal obligations, 239 00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:19,920 Speaker 1: which again are often gendered. Stephanie Coont's director of research 240 00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:23,200 Speaker 1: and public education for the nonprofit group counts along contemporary 241 00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:26,800 Speaker 1: families as quote, it is real emotional work and the 242 00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:29,760 Speaker 1: pleasure is accompanied by much more stress than men feel. 243 00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:32,960 Speaker 1: There's a pressure, she explains, that comes with the tremendous 244 00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:35,240 Speaker 1: weight of a hundred and fifty years of being told 245 00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:38,559 Speaker 1: that this is our special skill. As women our special 246 00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:41,640 Speaker 1: contribution to family life and community life, which can be 247 00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:44,640 Speaker 1: very gratifying, and it's also why women hold onto it 248 00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:47,199 Speaker 1: very often. So I want to be clear. I don't 249 00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:50,320 Speaker 1: want to suggest that no mom out there is doing 250 00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:55,120 Speaker 1: holiday domestic labor purely because she genuinely loves and enjoys it. 251 00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:58,640 Speaker 1: But the added pressure of societal or social obligation, which 252 00:13:58,679 --> 00:14:01,760 Speaker 1: I think social media amplify eyes can really take the 253 00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:04,440 Speaker 1: fun out of a task that would otherwise be enjoyable. 254 00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:09,000 Speaker 1: And people just want to provide fulfilling, happy holidays for 255 00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:11,640 Speaker 1: their families. Here's how another mom explained it to me. 256 00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:15,760 Speaker 1: My name's Michelle. I'm married with two young kids, a 257 00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:17,760 Speaker 1: six year old boy and a two and a half 258 00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:22,040 Speaker 1: year old girl. We celebrate Christmas. The holiday season and 259 00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:26,320 Speaker 1: the preparation entails seems to change every year with young children, 260 00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:31,280 Speaker 1: because you pass through various phases of them having no 261 00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:34,320 Speaker 1: idea what's going on, and then they start to get 262 00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:38,040 Speaker 1: really into it and start asking questions about Santa and 263 00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:40,760 Speaker 1: all that's involved in that, and you're trying to do 264 00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:43,480 Speaker 1: it right and not be flat outlining to your kids 265 00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:47,320 Speaker 1: but also still allowing it to be exciting. I don't 266 00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:49,840 Speaker 1: think that social media has too much of an effect 267 00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:53,600 Speaker 1: on the expectations that I'm setting for myself around the holidays. 268 00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:57,080 Speaker 1: The pressure I feel comes, I think, more from trying 269 00:14:57,080 --> 00:15:00,280 Speaker 1: to keep up certain family traditions and make it all 270 00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:04,120 Speaker 1: as magical and exciting for my kids as my parents 271 00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:06,520 Speaker 1: made it for myself and my brother. I do think 272 00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:09,400 Speaker 1: that moms really bear the brunt of the holiday work, 273 00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:13,600 Speaker 1: and speaking for my own family, both growing up and 274 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:17,520 Speaker 1: the family I have created, mom is definitely the one 275 00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:20,880 Speaker 1: doing the vast majority of it, and I can certainly 276 00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:24,120 Speaker 1: see how moms could see the things that others are 277 00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:28,560 Speaker 1: posting on social media about their holiday celebrations and feel 278 00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:33,120 Speaker 1: like they are not doing enough in comparison. According to 279 00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:36,320 Speaker 1: the authors of the article the gendering of holiday labor, basically, 280 00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:39,320 Speaker 1: even if this labor is sometimes stressful, women can still 281 00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:41,400 Speaker 1: feel the need to do it because of this gatekeeper 282 00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:43,680 Speaker 1: role that we sometimes adopt. You know, even if the 283 00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:47,480 Speaker 1: work is stressful or anxiety inducing, we may still want 284 00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:50,480 Speaker 1: to be recognized as the person who is in charge 285 00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:53,080 Speaker 1: of giving people a good Christmas, and this tension can 286 00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:55,880 Speaker 1: really be heightened around the holidays. What's also kind of 287 00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:57,920 Speaker 1: interesting is that the article goes on to say that 288 00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,280 Speaker 1: things are different when it comes to same sex bowles, 289 00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:03,080 Speaker 1: who generally tend to carry out housework and domestic labor. 290 00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:07,800 Speaker 1: More evenly, the real unevennus is in heterosexual couples. Stephanie 291 00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:11,040 Speaker 1: Coon says, so add in social media pressure to what 292 00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:13,680 Speaker 1: is supposed to be a full and holiday season, and 293 00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:15,200 Speaker 1: I think it can just kind of end up feeling 294 00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:18,440 Speaker 1: like extra work, stress and obligations for moms in particular, 295 00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:22,040 Speaker 1: and honestly, it's not just moms. I also think that 296 00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:24,720 Speaker 1: social media can create a lot of pressure for people 297 00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:27,080 Speaker 1: who are not married and don't have kids, or people 298 00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:30,280 Speaker 1: who have non traditional holidays celebrations, or don't celebrate the 299 00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:48,200 Speaker 1: holidays at all. More, after a quick break, let's get 300 00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:52,120 Speaker 1: right back into it. Social media tricks us into thinking 301 00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:54,600 Speaker 1: that there is one right way to do the holiday season, 302 00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:57,680 Speaker 1: when in reality, there are so many valid ways to 303 00:16:57,680 --> 00:17:01,240 Speaker 1: celebrate or not celebrate. In my own holiday experience, you know, 304 00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:04,760 Speaker 1: my family doesn't really celebrate Christmas in a traditional sense. 305 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:07,160 Speaker 1: We used to when I was a kid. We did 306 00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:09,240 Speaker 1: the tree in the presence and all of that, but 307 00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:11,639 Speaker 1: as we got older, we just kind of stopped my 308 00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:14,159 Speaker 1: dad is disabled and my mom dedicates a lot of 309 00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:16,520 Speaker 1: her time to his care on top of working, and 310 00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:19,480 Speaker 1: it just became too much. And if I'm being honest, 311 00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:21,560 Speaker 1: I used to kind of resent it and feel a 312 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:24,159 Speaker 1: little bit left out when I would be scrolling social 313 00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:27,560 Speaker 1: media and seeing all my friends with their families in 314 00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:31,800 Speaker 1: matching holiday pajamas or with their parents doing special holiday traditions. 315 00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:35,000 Speaker 1: But as an adult, I can really understand why taking 316 00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:37,840 Speaker 1: on the extra labor of holiday magic making for their 317 00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:40,720 Speaker 1: adult children is just no longer on the table for 318 00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:44,080 Speaker 1: my parents. Also, like a lot of queer people, I too, 319 00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:47,159 Speaker 1: really value my chosen family and friends and people who 320 00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:50,320 Speaker 1: are not my actual family but that feel like family, 321 00:17:50,359 --> 00:17:53,200 Speaker 1: you know, hold the role of family in my life, 322 00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:56,520 Speaker 1: and sometimes scrolling social media during the holidays can make 323 00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:59,720 Speaker 1: it feel like that doesn't really count, like the holidays 324 00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:01,760 Speaker 1: are some how less special if they're not spent with 325 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:06,040 Speaker 1: actual family. I am not alone in this. Here's Allison, 326 00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:09,200 Speaker 1: a queer woman living in Chicago who's in our thirties. 327 00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:12,879 Speaker 1: I also see lots of photos on Instagram of people 328 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:16,879 Speaker 1: I used to go out with in matching pajamas with 329 00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:22,160 Speaker 1: their new significant other, And when I see this, it's like, Okay, 330 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:26,760 Speaker 1: I get it, You've officially moved on, and the pajamas 331 00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:30,840 Speaker 1: are communicating what you want them to. Separately. I love 332 00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:36,600 Speaker 1: how people myself included, are celebrating with friends or doing 333 00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:41,200 Speaker 1: something more low key on the holidays, and it's interesting 334 00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:47,000 Speaker 1: how as that gets normalized now I see advertisements glorifying 335 00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:51,840 Speaker 1: the anti traditional celebrations as well. The bottom line is 336 00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:54,640 Speaker 1: that everyone deserves to feel good during the holidays, whether 337 00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:58,000 Speaker 1: you're a mom, single, in a relationship, whatever, And I 338 00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:00,919 Speaker 1: hate that social media platforms are offiting off of us 339 00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:03,760 Speaker 1: feeling like crap, comparing our holidays to each other, or 340 00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:06,560 Speaker 1: stressing ourselves have to create the most perfect holiday season 341 00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:08,719 Speaker 1: even if we don't really have it in us to do. 342 00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:11,720 Speaker 1: It just feels like yet another way that our negative 343 00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:15,880 Speaker 1: feelings are stoked and then monetized by tech billionaires, many 344 00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:19,560 Speaker 1: of whom, let's be real, already belong on Santa's Naughty List. 345 00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:22,280 Speaker 1: So what do we do? How do we combat this? 346 00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:26,520 Speaker 1: Megan our mom and DC says that she actually curates 347 00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:29,080 Speaker 1: her social media feed to reinforce the kind of mom 348 00:19:29,119 --> 00:19:31,520 Speaker 1: that she wants to be, and that social media can 349 00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:33,320 Speaker 1: actually be a help to her this time of year. 350 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:37,600 Speaker 1: I think holidays are a very stressful time for parents 351 00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:40,119 Speaker 1: in lots of different ways. Partly because you're trying to 352 00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:43,080 Speaker 1: create a sort of magical experience for your kids and 353 00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:45,200 Speaker 1: you want them to be having fun and you want 354 00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:49,359 Speaker 1: to be having fun as a parent, and also because 355 00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:52,320 Speaker 1: there's all these extra stressors like your kids being out 356 00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:56,960 Speaker 1: of school for extended stretches of time or off their 357 00:19:57,119 --> 00:20:01,119 Speaker 1: normal routine. There's lots of different whoo, you know, not 358 00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:03,680 Speaker 1: their normal meal schedule, or there are things that they 359 00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:07,040 Speaker 1: normally eat. They're seeing lots of different people that they 360 00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:09,840 Speaker 1: don't see us often, and that might, you know, cause 361 00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:12,520 Speaker 1: lots of emotions and different feelings for both you and 362 00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:16,600 Speaker 1: your kids. And so there's just a lot of stress 363 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:19,080 Speaker 1: coming from lots of different angles. Is a very expensive 364 00:20:19,119 --> 00:20:22,679 Speaker 1: time of year. Um, there's lots of activities going on, 365 00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:27,720 Speaker 1: so to be honest, UM, I actually find social media 366 00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:32,560 Speaker 1: to be a really really valuable resource UH during the 367 00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:38,200 Speaker 1: holidays and year round, partly because I follow I choose 368 00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:42,800 Speaker 1: to follow a lot of UH social media accounts, particularly 369 00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:49,040 Speaker 1: on Instagram, who are I guess parent influencers whose parenting 370 00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:54,639 Speaker 1: philosophy aligns with my own and who present UM a 371 00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:58,320 Speaker 1: lot of different activities and ideas, tips and scripts and 372 00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:01,560 Speaker 1: ways that you can you prep your kids and engage 373 00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:04,680 Speaker 1: with your kids and talk to your extended family and 374 00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:08,160 Speaker 1: set boundaries with you know, for yourself and for your kids, 375 00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:11,159 Speaker 1: and teach them to set boundaries and be grateful and 376 00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:17,040 Speaker 1: be gracious and all those things UM like I find 377 00:21:17,119 --> 00:21:20,200 Speaker 1: really really valuable. And I choose not to follow people 378 00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:24,160 Speaker 1: on social media who don't reinforce the kind of parent 379 00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:28,120 Speaker 1: that I want to be or the kind of parenting 380 00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:31,160 Speaker 1: that I want to implement UM in my own family. 381 00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:33,720 Speaker 1: And whether that's people that I know, friends or family, 382 00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:38,040 Speaker 1: or professionals like professional influencers, whoever it is, I choose 383 00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:42,399 Speaker 1: to only follow people that support and endorse and reinforce 384 00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:44,240 Speaker 1: the kind of parent that I want to be or 385 00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:48,199 Speaker 1: that I aspire to be. So I think that social 386 00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:50,399 Speaker 1: media for me is really really helpful. It gives me 387 00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:52,919 Speaker 1: a lot of great ideas about different things to do 388 00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:56,240 Speaker 1: in ways to engage and UM, I'm very grateful for 389 00:21:56,520 --> 00:22:00,480 Speaker 1: the parent influencers who make up that sort of community 390 00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:04,400 Speaker 1: of people, UH that I find to be role models 391 00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:08,800 Speaker 1: and um I'm I think that a lot of other 392 00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:12,600 Speaker 1: people who follow them um also feel that way, So 393 00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:15,560 Speaker 1: don't let algorithms decide what kind of content you want 394 00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:18,280 Speaker 1: to see this time of year. Instead, curate your social 395 00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:20,879 Speaker 1: media feed to feel like it reinforces the kind of 396 00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:23,720 Speaker 1: parent that you're actually interested in being. I would also 397 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:26,760 Speaker 1: add be gentle with yourself. You know, if you didn't 398 00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:28,720 Speaker 1: have it in you to go all out this holiday, 399 00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:32,440 Speaker 1: that is a okay. Whether it was too stressful, too expensive, 400 00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:35,000 Speaker 1: it's okay to play it a little smaller, even if 401 00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:38,280 Speaker 1: platforms are only rewarding and amplifying and showing you the 402 00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:41,520 Speaker 1: opulent and the excessive. It doesn't have to be opulent 403 00:22:41,560 --> 00:22:44,520 Speaker 1: and excessive to be good or meaningful. I would also 404 00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:48,840 Speaker 1: question and resist the need to overconsume, especially given that 405 00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:51,880 Speaker 1: we're in this place of economic uncertainty. Having a lower 406 00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:55,720 Speaker 1: key Christmas is just fine. Giving heartfelt gifts over buying 407 00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:58,920 Speaker 1: the newest flashy item is a okay. Your kids can 408 00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:01,800 Speaker 1: still have a meaning Christmas even if the tree is 409 00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:06,280 Speaker 1: not overflowing with gifts. And remember, whatever you do this 410 00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:09,639 Speaker 1: holiday season is valid. So if you're staying home alone 411 00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:12,159 Speaker 1: and watching Lifetime movies with your cats in your apartment, 412 00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:15,440 Speaker 1: good for you. If you're going camping with your friends, 413 00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:18,720 Speaker 1: good for you. If you're feeling sad or emotional because 414 00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:20,879 Speaker 1: you've lost your parents or maybe don't even have a 415 00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:24,000 Speaker 1: relationship with your living parents. If you're feeling sad or 416 00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:26,840 Speaker 1: emotional or grieving the fact that you've lost your parents, 417 00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:29,119 Speaker 1: or maybe that you don't really have a relationship with 418 00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:31,760 Speaker 1: your family in the first place, don't make social media 419 00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:34,000 Speaker 1: make you feel like your experience. It's only valid if 420 00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:36,480 Speaker 1: it looks a certain way. And one last tip, if 421 00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:39,080 Speaker 1: you're a parent doing the holidays this season, work toward 422 00:23:39,119 --> 00:23:42,639 Speaker 1: a balanced division of labor. According to Daniel L. Carson, 423 00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:45,080 Speaker 1: an assistant professor in the Department of Family and Consumer 424 00:23:45,080 --> 00:23:48,160 Speaker 1: Studies at the University of Utah, couples are happier when 425 00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:51,959 Speaker 1: the perceived breakdown is viewed as more equitable. And another 426 00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:54,400 Speaker 1: reason to make sure the division of labor is equitable 427 00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:57,439 Speaker 1: in your family is that his research also shows that 428 00:23:57,520 --> 00:24:01,000 Speaker 1: couples have more satisfying sex lives when the division of 429 00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:03,879 Speaker 1: labor is more equitable. So this might even help you 430 00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:08,000 Speaker 1: get your ho ho ho on this holiday season as well. Sorry, y'all, 431 00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:11,320 Speaker 1: I had to anyway. I want to hear from you 432 00:24:11,359 --> 00:24:14,360 Speaker 1: all Are you a parent who is so stressed out 433 00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:16,520 Speaker 1: doing the holidays for your kid this season? Are you 434 00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:19,680 Speaker 1: a parent who loves doing the holidays and gets nothing 435 00:24:19,720 --> 00:24:22,440 Speaker 1: but fulfillment and joy out of it. Are you someone 436 00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:24,639 Speaker 1: who is not really that excited about the holidays? Are 437 00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:27,119 Speaker 1: you doing something non traditional? I want to hear about it. 438 00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:29,560 Speaker 1: Hit me up at hello at tangodi dot com and 439 00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:32,200 Speaker 1: let us know if you're making this holiday season? Maryan Bright, 440 00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:44,159 Speaker 1: got a story about an interesting thing in tech, or 441 00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:46,080 Speaker 1: just want to say hi, You can be just at 442 00:24:46,119 --> 00:24:48,880 Speaker 1: hello at tangodi dot com. You can also find transcripts 443 00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:51,359 Speaker 1: for today's episode at tangodi dot com. There Are No 444 00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:53,440 Speaker 1: Girls on the Internet was created by me Bridget Tod. 445 00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:56,080 Speaker 1: It's a production of I Heart Radio and Unboss creative 446 00:24:56,480 --> 00:24:59,439 Speaker 1: Jonathan Strickland as our executive producer. Tara Harrison is our 447 00:24:59,480 --> 00:25:02,960 Speaker 1: producer and sound engineer. Michael Amato is our contributing producer. 448 00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:05,920 Speaker 1: I'm your host, Bridget Todd. If you want to help 449 00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:08,920 Speaker 1: us grow, rate and review us on Apple Podcasts. For 450 00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:11,720 Speaker 1: more podcasts from iHeart Radio, check out the iHeart Radio app, 451 00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:13,800 Speaker 1: Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts.