Speaker 1: Okay, so let's talk about intention. So I was in
Speaker 1: a relationship where we went out. He basically said he
Speaker 1: was going to be in New York, and he lived
Speaker 1: somewhere else, but he just showed up in New York
Speaker 1: to go on the date the next day, sent flowers
Speaker 1: like from day one. The intention was there. And it
Speaker 1: fell off a little and something went wrong, but we
Speaker 1: ended up getting back together, and the intention was really
Speaker 1: always there, like you always knew where you stood and
Speaker 1: it was great. And so most people think I'm not dating.
Speaker 1: I am in an adventurer. I'm in a dating era.
Speaker 1: The headlines say what the headlines say, haven't I don't
Speaker 1: clarify them. My publicist called me a list, which was lovely,
Speaker 1: and she said, a list people don't. She didn't mean
Speaker 1: like this is a rule only for a list, or
Speaker 1: that I'm alist. She just said a list people don't
Speaker 1: like clarify what's going on. So there have been a
Speaker 1: lot of headlines with me, a lot of people I've
Speaker 1: been seeing, with a lot of different things. None of
Speaker 1: it defines me. I'll never make an announce of what
Speaker 1: I'm doing or not doing anymore. I'm not paid for that. Okay,
Speaker 1: So there's a person that I met who immediately very
Speaker 1: successful person, very successful person, and in like a very
Speaker 1: pressured profession. And so ironically, you give somebody busy something.
Speaker 1: Whatever you want, you want to get something done, give
Speaker 1: it to somebody busy, is what I'm saying. So, like
Speaker 1: I get everything done. I could be a good partner.
Speaker 1: I could do a relief effort. I could do ten
Speaker 1: TV shows. I could resolve a conflict on the phone
Speaker 1: with someone walking out on stage, talk to five thousand people,
Speaker 1: like I'm a machine. So this guy that was interested
Speaker 1: in me right away just said to me by we
Speaker 1: were messaging, are you. It was like on a high
Speaker 1: end app are you? Are you Bethany Frankel? And I
Speaker 1: was like yes, and it was right away, and like
Speaker 1: there was something very transparent about it, and I was like,
Speaker 1: thank you for like asking right away. He's like, I
Speaker 1: just wanted to get that out of the way, like
Speaker 1: I know who you are, and I'm not going to
Speaker 1: like make it not level. So I thought that was great,
Speaker 1: like letting me know, and then I realized is a
Speaker 1: pretty successful person and little very light banter straight to tonight,
Speaker 1: I'm available at eight o'clock if you are I'm done
Speaker 1: with what I'm doing, which is a big thing, and
Speaker 1: I'd like to get together and back. It was like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm with my daughter for dinner. But but but the
Speaker 1: ball was moving. And the reason I'm mentioning this is
Speaker 1: because we gaslight ourselves. And I've been in other situations
Speaker 1: where you're making all these excuses for like, oh, well,
Speaker 1: he's got he's got his kids, or he's got this job,
Speaker 1: or he's got this thing, or he's running a marathon,
Speaker 1: and you're making his excuses for why someone couldn't like
Speaker 1: be super intentional about when they were going to see you,
Speaker 1: be totally transparent about what was going on. And then
Speaker 1: the veil gets lifted and you see someone just do
Speaker 1: what you think is normal or what you would do,
Speaker 1: which is intentional, and you're like, how stupid And it's
Speaker 1: to your point. It's like someone's interviewing for the job,
Speaker 1: and it wasn't all like mucked up and crazy where
Speaker 1: they're asking you what days do I have to work
Speaker 1: and how many hours and when's my lunch break? They
Speaker 1: were like, Hi, I got it, I'm on the job.
Speaker 1: I want the job. What's the job? Let's go Yeah, and.
Speaker 2: That's that is essential premise of any relationship is that
Speaker 2: you can't drag a guy to want to be the
Speaker 2: man you need him to be. Don't pay attention to
Speaker 2: just what happened on the date or how great he
Speaker 2: is on paper. Pay attention to how he follows up
Speaker 2: after the date, how quickly he does he say, I
Speaker 2: can't wait to see you again. What are you doing
Speaker 2: this weekend? Texting you regularly calling your right the ball right?
Speaker 2: He makes that out. You don't, and that's You're just
Speaker 2: sort of standing there waiting to receive love and this
Speaker 2: guy has to make an effort, and you're not running away.
Speaker 2: You're not playing games. You're just waiting to see how
Speaker 2: he shows up for you and rewarding him for his efforts.
Speaker 2: He texts you, you text them back. No games, he calls you,
Speaker 2: you call him back the game. It's really easy, actually.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but nothing's worse than when someone texts you text
Speaker 1: them back, and then they take four hours to text you.
Speaker 1: Then you are playing a game because now you're taking
Speaker 1: six hours to text him back, and you're in the
Speaker 1: middle of a fucking swamp that you don't want to
Speaker 1: be in.
Speaker 3: It.
Speaker 1: It's not who you are, you're acting like you don't
Speaker 1: because of the way the other person's acting, and so frankly,
Speaker 1: they're dragging you down to be who you're not in
Speaker 1: your best dating life right.
Speaker 2: In the healthiest relationships that I've seen with my clients,
Speaker 2: it's this really smooth on ramp between when they meet
Speaker 2: very often online to when they become an official couple,
Speaker 2: take their profiles down, start sleeping together, call each other
Speaker 2: boyfriend girlfriend. That happens in four to six weeks or
Speaker 2: something like that. If it drags on much longer than that,
Speaker 2: probably not going to happen. Maybe your life circumstances different.
Speaker 2: Because you travel so much, there's a long might be
Speaker 2: a longer on ramp. But for people with like regular
Speaker 2: lives and you know, rooted in their communities, there's nothing
Speaker 2: stopping people from starting with once a week, going to
Speaker 2: twice a week, going around the base, ye and.
Speaker 1: Balancing your kids with that, because some people make their
Speaker 1: kids their entire I've had so many men make their
Speaker 1: kids their entire identity. I'm a very involved father, something
Speaker 1: mothers don't say. And also, like you're in the middle
Speaker 1: of a conversation, they're like panic stricken, jumping off the
Speaker 1: phone to get on with their kids, like there's no emergency.
Speaker 1: And I see it with adult kids, like men that
Speaker 1: have adult kids that are like like jumping off, Like
Speaker 1: I'm not like that with my kids, Like hold on, Brinn,
Speaker 1: hold on two seconds, I'm on a call, Like it's
Speaker 1: not a fucking emergency. I have a great level, healthy
Speaker 1: relationship with my child, and I have a good relationship
Speaker 1: with her, But she's not my entire life. People like
Speaker 1: my kids my whole world. No, my kid is my is.
Speaker 1: I love her. I'm going on a date with her
Speaker 1: tonight for dinner. I cook dinner for her every night,
Speaker 1: we talk about it. I drive her to school every day.
Speaker 1: I do primarily put her first. But yet this weekend,
Speaker 1: she's having a party here at the house and someone's
Speaker 1: going to be here, and I'm going to a spot
Speaker 1: because that's something I need if I want to go
Speaker 1: on a date, I'm going on a date. I went
Speaker 1: to a party last night. She was like, Mama, go, Mama,
Speaker 1: you need to get out, Like that's balance. She's not.
Speaker 2: I'm really glad you're going there.
Speaker 1: Fuck is going on with these fucking people.
Speaker 2: So there's a book that I read when I first
Speaker 2: became a parent. My kids are twelve and thirteen. I
Speaker 2: don't remember the title of the book, but it talked
Speaker 2: about the difference between two styles of parenting. There's the
Speaker 2: child centered parenting and there's the parent centered parenting. Child
Speaker 2: centered parenting is the kid gets whatever they want, anything
Speaker 2: to make the kid comfortable. And those are the kids
Speaker 2: who don't never have a babysitter, have never been out
Speaker 2: of their parents' site. They don't do anything independently. The
Speaker 2: mom's cutting their meat when they're fourteen years old. And
Speaker 2: we chose to be like you. We had like a
Speaker 2: roster of babysitters and there was never going to be
Speaker 2: a reason that we couldn't go out because some eighteen
Speaker 2: year old girl had plans. And so our kids grew
Speaker 2: up like your kids. Mom and dad have a life.
Speaker 2: We fit within that life structure, but not everything goes
Speaker 2: towards the kid's comfort. And I think you're raised more mature,
Speaker 2: resilient kids.
Speaker 1: Oh my god. And these guys are like bitch ass
Speaker 1: is like running in circles. It's a child. They don't
Speaker 1: have to be wrapped in bubble wrap. You don't have
Speaker 1: to make everything a soft landing. That's it, like, I'm
Speaker 1: so not into that shit.
Speaker 2: It's really don't think it's kind of just generational. You
Speaker 2: and I are about the same age, I think. I
Speaker 2: think it's one of the things.
Speaker 1: No, the maner aal late fifties. It's divorsational. It's guilt
Speaker 1: over compensation. It's a Superman theory, and it's afterwards. I'm
Speaker 1: a very involved father putting the putting, the putting your
Speaker 1: kids in your profile with like emoji faces over it
Speaker 1: or like just next to you, coloring with them to
Speaker 1: perform that you're a father. You don't get a cookie
Speaker 1: for being a father. Good for you. You're there, great
Speaker 1: step to the side, go on a date, be with
Speaker 1: your kids, go to the kids concert, like live a
Speaker 1: fucking life. I hate that. I hate it. It's so stupid.
Speaker 1: So anyway, yeah, that's ridiculous, and I'm positive about it
Speaker 1: because I've seen like grown men in desperation over it.
Speaker 1: It's like, relax, it's gonna be okay. Your kid's not
Speaker 1: on fire.
Speaker 2: Most kids are not on fire when they're texting their dad.
Speaker 4: That is true.
Speaker 1: So you said something, and I'd like to take on
Speaker 1: the matchmakers. This is he's my honest opinion. About matchmakers.
Speaker 1: Matchmakers are like headhunters or publicists. They're doing the same
Speaker 1: thing that you could literally do yourself. Okay, they really are,
Speaker 1: and there's no magic, proprietary formula to it. They often
Speaker 1: say it doesn't matter, like if he doesn't text you
Speaker 1: back for like several hours, he's really busy, Like he's
Speaker 1: at work and he's really busy, and I'm like in
Speaker 1: any other scenario, like I'm the busiest people I know,
Speaker 1: the billionaires that I know, and I mean like the
Speaker 1: Mark Cubans, then the Nicole and David Teppers, the Steve Cohens,
Speaker 1: like I know some major people, the Kevin O'Leary's, the
Speaker 1: Gary Vaynerchuk's, Like they respond instantly, okay, running multi billion
Speaker 1: dollar high stakes sports teams, operations, philanthropic, Like immediately, I
Speaker 1: don't believe what the matchmakers say. He's at work, he's drowning,
Speaker 1: he's so busy eight hours. What do we I'm on
Speaker 1: a fucking We're in a horse and carriage society. So
Speaker 1: that's my first opinion. The second is they'll be like,
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter, how do you feel when you're with him?
Speaker 1: And you're basically just saying the opposite and I'm kind
Speaker 1: of with you because I've been with people that I
Speaker 1: feel amazing with then we separate and the way they're acting,
Speaker 1: the cock in between the tiles is not there, and
Speaker 1: you can't keep those tiles on that bathroom floor without
Speaker 1: the cock. And it's and I've been in long distance
Speaker 1: relationships and if the person's not nurturing that, and it's
Speaker 1: the FaceTime or the FaceTime sacks or the calls, like
Speaker 1: just relying on what's going to happen when you're together
Speaker 1: because it feels great, that model doesn't work. And that's
Speaker 1: what matchmakers often say.
Speaker 2: So I'm going to tread really really lightly for a
Speaker 2: number of reasons, because you.
Speaker 1: Work with a lot of matchmakers. You're like a dermatologist
Speaker 1: that works with a lot of plastic surgeons and vice versa.
Speaker 1: A little bit got.
Speaker 2: It, And so I've spoken at the matchmaker's conferences and
Speaker 2: I even got benned from a matchmaker's conference once upon
Speaker 2: a time for saying something like this, which is matchmakers
Speaker 2: have actually a really hard job. The reason the matchmaker
Speaker 2: might not be able to do what you can do
Speaker 2: is because they're limited in their access. If there's three
Speaker 2: people involved in this equation, and there is the there
Speaker 2: you you are the client. There's the matchmaker, who is
Speaker 2: the executive recruiter who's out advocating on your behalf and
Speaker 2: doing a talent search. And then there's the coach to
Speaker 2: help guide the process and make the client more self aware,
Speaker 2: more datable. Again, everybody has blind spots, everybody has skills.
Speaker 2: Someone holding someone's hand through that journey to make sure
Speaker 2: they're making good decisions consistent with their goals. Now, to me,
Speaker 2: there's something that really works. I think the problem is
Speaker 2: matchmakers often think that they're dating coaches, but I don't
Speaker 2: think I'm a matchmaker. Yes, I've never taken that as
Speaker 2: a challenge. I stick with advice. I try to make
Speaker 2: it reality based advice. I don't favor men, don't favor women.
Speaker 2: Like you know, we're playing spoken here, and so people
Speaker 2: who turn to dating coaches often are like saying, are
Speaker 2: the people who say, I admit that I have a
Speaker 2: blind spot or I can't trust my judgment. Help me.
Speaker 2: I want to be able to do this myself. People
Speaker 2: who go to matchmakers say, there's nothing wrong with me,
Speaker 2: Could you just hand me someone. I'm so sick of
Speaker 2: the apps and somewhere in that. Then diagram is a
Speaker 2: place where everybody can get help. You might be and
Speaker 2: I'm not pitching you, you might be one of the
Speaker 2: people who might need more of this dialogue. So I'm
Speaker 2: seeing this guy. Here's what happens. What do you think? Yes,
Speaker 2: I'm trusting my judgment. Maybe you don't need it someone
Speaker 2: to go on a talent hunt. Maybe maybe you do.
Speaker 2: I don't don't know that. That's interesting, right, I think
Speaker 2: it could because you have resources, you could do the
Speaker 2: both end. You could be on your exclusive app, you
Speaker 2: could talk to someone about your love life. You could
Speaker 2: have someone out there doing a hunt. And if because
Speaker 2: it only takes one guy, if that matchmaker could lay.
Speaker 1: The one exactly. And they, in fairness to the matchmakers,
Speaker 1: their model or they say they really they interview, they wait,
Speaker 1: and they present you something when it's really good. They're
Speaker 1: not like kind of like throwing spaghetti against the wall. Theoretically,
Speaker 1: I've had some lame guys. The matchmakers have set me
Speaker 1: up with lame But.
Speaker 2: Matchmakers charge big prices, and with good reason. You have
Speaker 2: an important job, you've got high end clients. And if
Speaker 2: you're paying x thousand dollars per date. It better be
Speaker 2: comparable to the kind of date you can get in
Speaker 2: real life.
Speaker 1: Right. Also, you can have them vet someone. Theoretically, they
Speaker 1: can also be like a dating agent, which is a
Speaker 1: great dating agent. Like you're talking about deals with them
Speaker 1: and they're giving you different Yeah, you want.
Speaker 2: To work with a matchmaker who acts with integrity, who's
Speaker 2: honest with you, who doesn't blow smoke up your ass
Speaker 2: and tell you that everything in the world is possible,
Speaker 2: who could be real with you and you're working together.
Speaker 2: It is a little bit probably like you have with
Speaker 2: your business partner, where you're not going to agree on everything,
Speaker 2: but you have to agree on the mission that their
Speaker 2: job is to get you what you want and not
Speaker 2: to settle.
Speaker 3: Yes.
Speaker 1: But here's the thing I think that they are. I
Speaker 1: just want to tell people who like feel like they
Speaker 1: don't get to find the best guys because they can't
Speaker 1: afford a matchmaker, et cetera. Like I'm saying, I have
Speaker 1: an amazing publicists. I could be a publicist. I if
Speaker 1: I don't have the time or the bandwidth, and I
Speaker 1: could be a lot of things. But I could be
Speaker 1: a trapeze artist. But I literally could be now a
Speaker 1: publicist and I literally could be now a matchmaker, and
Speaker 1: my friends are always like, I can't fucking believe the
Speaker 1: guys you find on your own. But I will say
Speaker 1: this about the matchmakers. They're like diamond dealers or real
Speaker 1: estate brokers. Okay, so yes they're good ones, yes they're
Speaker 1: bad ones, but ultimately, all the diamonds are there on
Speaker 1: some system. It's which got When you call I call,
Speaker 1: I'm like, I want a cushion cut diamond. I want
Speaker 1: a five carrot diamond. Okay, I want I want this diamond.
Speaker 1: You call Shlomo on forty seventh Street. He's going to
Speaker 1: search the system and he's going to find Moisha and
Speaker 1: who's gonna have the diamond. But if I call Shlomo, Joe,
Speaker 1: Jack and Jane, and if Moisha is the one who
Speaker 1: has it, they're all going to get it from Moisha.
Speaker 1: I just came in through one person. So if you're
Speaker 1: calling five different matchmakers, let's just say they are often
Speaker 1: pulling from the same system. In fact, they've all learned
Speaker 1: to like work together now where they share guys. Let's
Speaker 1: say somebody's got a big fish, a prince moved to
Speaker 1: New York and they got a blanket the system. They
Speaker 1: might say to somebody on in LA, which is another
Speaker 1: wealthy city coast or Chicago, I got a guy, I'll
Speaker 1: give you a piece if you have give me some
Speaker 1: of your network. But that's what does happen because with
Speaker 1: a diamond, if you have a twenty carrot diamond, that's
Speaker 1: a million dollars, you're not going to risk not getting
Speaker 1: it for the person. So if you have to share
Speaker 1: part of that commission with someone on the other coast,
Speaker 1: you will. So it's not some majestic thing where people
Speaker 1: have like diamonds in their own safe. For the most part,
Speaker 1: people have some stuff inventory, and matchmakers don't have men
Speaker 1: in some vault either. They're just looking up on different systems,
Speaker 1: whether it's LinkedIn or they're looking at the apps. There's
Speaker 1: no majestic formula.
Speaker 2: I think that's a realistic way of looking at it,
Speaker 2: and I think most matchmakers would concede something as much
Speaker 2: without saying anything negative about matchmaking, because it's a good
Speaker 2: and it's a noble and important profession. But matchmakers aren't magicians.
Speaker 2: Dating coaches aren't magicians, and you pay for the convenience
Speaker 2: of Hey, I don't want to swipe right on the
Speaker 2: thousand guys to try to find a good one. You
Speaker 2: hand them to me. I'm going to tell you what
Speaker 2: I want. You pay a premium price and sometimes you
Speaker 2: get some amazing results.
Speaker 1: And summer pocket listenings too. Some matchmakers might meet a
Speaker 1: guy at a party, he's not on any app, he
Speaker 1: didn't say he wanted to do anything, and they just
Speaker 1: met him. He's getting a divorce, and then they say,
Speaker 1: yep with them. So there are other options. I'm just
Speaker 1: saying for those people who feel like they can't afford like,
Speaker 1: be your own advocate and you can figure it out
Speaker 1: on your own. Even if you can't afford a dating
Speaker 1: coade a matchmaker, like you can figure it out on
Speaker 1: your own. Just takes a little more work.
Speaker 2: And that's what I When people turn to me that,
Speaker 2: that's usually what I what I tell them is you
Speaker 2: could have someone catch a fish for you, or we
Speaker 2: could teach you to catch the fish exactly right like
Speaker 2: And to me, obviously advocating for myself, you know I
Speaker 2: would rather give a woman the power to make better
Speaker 2: dating relationship choices instead of hope being someone hands or
Speaker 2: someone But no, I mean you are.
Speaker 1: Very valuable because if you get a good fish and
Speaker 1: then you fuck it up. You're going to help someone
Speaker 1: not fuck it up. You can't hire someone to run
Speaker 1: your business and not be running your business yourself. Really,
Speaker 1: you have to be. It's a CEO thing. You have
Speaker 1: to be running your own company.
Speaker 2: Once upon a time, Bethan, you wouldn't know this about me.
Speaker 2: I was a writer. I came to l A to
Speaker 2: b a screenwriter. And so what they tell you is
Speaker 2: almost the same thing we always I always thought agents
Speaker 2: had magical powers. Oh my god, No, I get an agent,
Speaker 2: my career is made. They're going to get me staffed
Speaker 2: on friends. And I just realized, oh, that was just
Speaker 2: like a piece of the puzzle. So much of it
Speaker 2: is about who you know and how your network and
Speaker 2: the friends you make along the way.
Speaker 1: I don't have an agent. Look at all the deals
Speaker 1: I do every day.
Speaker 2: Right, But I'm saying when I was a twenty five
Speaker 2: year old guy in LA waving my script around, I
Speaker 2: finally got an agent and I finally got a manager,
Speaker 2: and I thought that was it right, and they're just
Speaker 2: they said, no, No, you kind of get your first job.
Speaker 2: And once you get a job and you notize yourself,
Speaker 2: then we can negotiate for you, but we're probably not
Speaker 2: going to get you your first job.
Speaker 1: No, but you're I'm saying it's the same at this level.
Speaker 1: Tom Cruise has an agent. Famous people have an agent.
Speaker 1: You get new projects. I'm saying at this level, it's
Speaker 1: even more rare that I would not have an agent
Speaker 1: because I just exercise the muscle myself. Like there's no
Speaker 1: majestic formula to what they're doing. Most of what they're
Speaker 1: doing is incoming calls. I've learned that I've had agencies
Speaker 1: hustling for me the hardest they can and still all
Speaker 1: my incoming calls are about ninety five percent of their
Speaker 1: five percent right now at this time. And I make
Speaker 1: agencies a lot of money bringing me deals, but because
Speaker 1: of the type of person I am, ninety five percent
Speaker 1: and it's a big amount of money comes from me.
Speaker 1: And that's the same thing with the dating. So I
Speaker 1: guess the lesson is be aggressive. I don't mean they
Speaker 1: have to see that you're being aggressive, but be your
Speaker 1: own advocator, be your own publicist, your own matchmaker, your
Speaker 1: own you know hunter. I think I.
Speaker 2: Think that's a good lesson for everything in life. It's
Speaker 2: part of why you've been successful. You can't take a
Speaker 2: passive approach to something that's important. And I think in love,
Speaker 2: that's what people do. We feel so beaten down by
Speaker 2: our inability to find a good guy, a good quality
Speaker 2: commitment to renton man that we sort of just like
Speaker 2: go into a shell, focus on our work, focus on
Speaker 2: our friends and our travels, and we sort of hope
Speaker 2: it happens. I admire the fact that you are still
Speaker 2: proactively dating, that you're doing this podcast. You could be
Speaker 2: doing anything, but you're doing this podcast because this is important.
Speaker 2: Love is important. It's easy to put on the side
Speaker 2: while you're out living your best life.
Speaker 1: Well, I'm doing it for my self. What I'm doing
Speaker 1: for the people. Well, I'm doing it for myself. What
Speaker 1: I'm doing for the people, Like because I know how
Speaker 1: scared people are to date. I know how defeated they are.
Speaker 1: I know they get in their heads. They don't have
Speaker 1: as much institutional knowledge. They don't go away as much
Speaker 1: as I do, do as much as I do, meet
Speaker 1: as many people as I do, have dated as much
Speaker 1: as I do, have as fucked up childhood. Necessarily that
Speaker 1: I do what many do, but like so they get
Speaker 1: a divorce and they have three kids. They literally think
Speaker 1: they have baggage and they're like, you know, washed up,
Speaker 1: or they think they're fifty five and they can't date,
Speaker 1: and it's like what, Like, people really don't realize that
Speaker 1: it is great out there. They just need that confidence
Speaker 1: and the knowledge and these tools to navigate what they're doing.
Speaker 1: I don't think. I think most people believe the myths,
Speaker 1: and most of them are actually myths.
Speaker 2: They're known as lending beliefs, things that are partially true.
Speaker 2: Is it harder when you're fifty five than when you're
Speaker 2: twenty five? Sure? Is it harder if you have three kids?
Speaker 2: And if you don't, I don't.
Speaker 1: I actually don't agree. I think. I think when you
Speaker 1: go up to a Caesar's palace buffet, it's disgusting and
Speaker 1: you play. It is full and you know what the
Speaker 1: fuck you're eating, and it's gross and you want to
Speaker 1: start over. I think when you're fifth, five years old,
Speaker 1: fifty four years old, fifty years old, you know exactly
Speaker 1: what you want. You're not wasting any time, you're not
Speaker 1: eating any garbage. You're going in for exactly the thing
Speaker 1: you vetted it. You know what it is. You go
Speaker 1: and you either do it or you don't. But you
Speaker 1: haven't like flapped your wings and fucking made yourself disgusted
Speaker 1: by that buffet. It's not all over the place. You
Speaker 1: know exactly what you want. I think it's much better.
Speaker 2: I love your optimism about it. I would only point
Speaker 2: out gently that these the divorce rate for second marriages
Speaker 2: is sixty six percent. The divorce rate for third marriages
Speaker 2: is seventy five percent. So all the people who think
Speaker 2: they know better are not always correct.
Speaker 1: I wasn't talking about if it's your I was not
Speaker 1: going at it. If it's harder to succeed at it, that's different,
Speaker 1: and maybe that's why people need you. I'm saying to
Speaker 1: meet people, like, yes, my daughter's fourteen years old, she's
Speaker 1: got seventeen guys in her grade that she meets all day.
Speaker 1: And of course that's different than me sitting home in
Speaker 1: my pajamas going out one night. But I'm not getting
Speaker 1: up at there's a guy that texted me that like that.
Speaker 1: I said that immediately knew what he wanted, and like,
Speaker 1: I'll get out of it. I'm getting on i pajamas
Speaker 1: for that. It's intention, but I'm not getting out to
Speaker 1: stand around at a bar and look around at the buffet.
Speaker 1: So the success the success rate is different, and that's
Speaker 1: that is a very staggering statistic.
Speaker 2: If people have the capacity to learn from their mistakes,
Speaker 2: then yes it gets better. But sometimes people have an overreaction. Right,
Speaker 2: we've probably talked about it, talk about the pendulum concept. Right.
Speaker 2: So I was with a guy with no money. Now
Speaker 2: I really want a guy to take care of me financially.
Speaker 2: I was with a guy there was no passion. Now
Speaker 2: I'm backing for chemistry exactly, and then we just end
Speaker 2: up making a different kind of mistage. But to your
Speaker 2: greater point, it almost doesn't matter. Certainly statistically there are
Speaker 2: more single men at twenty five than fifty five, But
Speaker 2: how many men do you need to be happy for
Speaker 2: the rest of your life? One, If you can create
Speaker 2: an act of love life, that's what I help people do,
Speaker 2: create an active love life. And you can get yourself
Speaker 2: online a date a week, which is a very achievable
Speaker 2: goal no matter what age you are. If you can
Speaker 2: get a date a week and good quality date. Right,
Speaker 2: And there's a mechanism for marketing yourself. There's a mechanism
Speaker 2: for screening, like there's a technique to do this, but
Speaker 2: I main brain surgery. There's nothing I do that's brain surgery.
Speaker 2: I tell people, you work with me for six months,
Speaker 2: you go in one day a week. You're going to
Speaker 2: find something you like. Someone just finished up with me.
Speaker 2: She's fifty four years old. She was I think married
Speaker 2: three times. I could be mistaken fifth match dot com date,
Speaker 2: fell in love. They're celebrating their sixteen week anniversary. They're
Speaker 2: an adorable couple. It's never been healthier. He's her equal
Speaker 2: and she didn't even know it was possible.
Speaker 1: Right, I'm going to work with you. You reached out,
Speaker 1: but I've been crazy. I'm going to work with you.
Speaker 1: I think this is interesting, even if it's for like
Speaker 1: a even if it's for like a sociological experimental research.
Speaker 1: I'm going to work with you and see what I think.
Speaker 1: Because on here, I mean, you're really smart and really
Speaker 1: get it and it's very digestible. So I really do
Speaker 1: like it. Oh but here's the thing I think that's
Speaker 1: interesting that I just thought of for the first time.
Speaker 1: So you and I have talked about the reaction and
Speaker 1: the pendulum. Like you with someone they were very controlling.
Speaker 1: Now you want to be with someone that lets you
Speaker 1: be independent if you don't. It's sort of like the
Speaker 1: way that like your house will crumble if the foundation
Speaker 1: isn't strong. So if you're in a relationship, let's put
Speaker 1: let's take marriage out of all of this. We're not
Speaker 1: talking about marriage because if you're with someone twenty five years,
Speaker 1: we're not telling someone to dissolve your marriage because you're
Speaker 1: not you know, that's different. Let's talk about like we're
Speaker 1: talking about dating. So if you're in a relationship with
Speaker 1: someone or dating someone and they show you who they
Speaker 1: are so you are ready or getting these red flags
Speaker 1: about they're cheap or they're controlling. I think the reason
Speaker 1: the pendulum swings so far is because people stay in
Speaker 1: way too long. It goes way too far. They have
Speaker 1: absolute deal fatigue for that thing, so they really react.
Speaker 1: But if you're in something, let's just say three months,
Speaker 1: I think three months is three months is a critical period.
Speaker 1: I think six months is a really critical period. And
Speaker 1: you see after three months the red flags and someone's
Speaker 1: showing you who they are, You're not gonna go and
Speaker 1: swing the pendulum so far to the other direction because
Speaker 1: you had three months of that. You it hasn't been
Speaker 1: like ingrained and beaten into you where you are just
Speaker 1: like shell shocked, and you need to do the opposite.
Speaker 1: So if you're taking care of yourself and not accepting
Speaker 1: less than what you deserve, or someone's not meeting you
Speaker 1: where you're at, you won't get to that point and
Speaker 1: you'll always be able to find your get back to
Speaker 1: your baseline, get back to your true north and your
Speaker 1: center of what you really believe is right for you,
Speaker 1: versus it being some reaction.
Speaker 2: I really love when you do the hot take and
Speaker 2: you land somewhere that's pretty profound and it's humbling to
Speaker 2: me because again, I've been doing this for twenty years
Speaker 2: and we say almost the same thing. So it's like,
Speaker 2: maybe anybody could do this job. It's possible. I could,
Speaker 2: at least I'm sort but it's possible. Right, But that's
Speaker 2: you've just come back to the concept of being the CEO, so.
Speaker 1: You hind full circle. We can end maybe.
Speaker 2: Maybe three months in they get their health insurance. They don't.
Speaker 2: You didn't sign a one year extension. You do with
Speaker 2: a quarterly review. You check in on your feelings. So
Speaker 2: just because the guy gets the job, I had a client.
Speaker 2: This is just yesterday. That's true. I had a client yesterday,
Speaker 2: lovely woman, beautiful, late thirties, wants to get married, have kids,
Speaker 2: feeling kind of panicked about it. And she's so she's
Speaker 2: trying to figure out from like the bumble profile, is
Speaker 2: this guy going to be my husband? So she's looking
Speaker 2: six or five finance guy, like I'm really like looking
Speaker 2: for this guy, and I'm just like, you can't tell
Speaker 2: anything from a profile. And she's basically paralyzed by indecision.
Speaker 2: She's so afraid of making a mistake at this juncture
Speaker 2: or juncture in her life. I don't want to choose
Speaker 2: the wrong man and be stuck in some bad marriage.
Speaker 2: I was like, you need to loosen up on this.
Speaker 2: You're just going on a date, and if you go
Speaker 2: out with a date and you're not inspired by him,
Speaker 2: then you don't need to go on a second date.
Speaker 2: Her fear is literally she's going to go out with
Speaker 2: the guy and the next thing, you know, five years later,
Speaker 2: she's a board house wife.
Speaker 1: And my date get that.
Speaker 2: My dating coach set me on that path, and I
Speaker 2: was like, no, no, you have the power to say no.
Speaker 2: After a FaceTime call, a first date, a kiss, a
Speaker 2: third date one month at any point in time.
Speaker 1: But that's why I think the three month and the
Speaker 1: six month period is important. I've never really assigned it
Speaker 1: to this. I've said the three months is when you
Speaker 1: decide are we doing The six months is like, wait,
Speaker 1: are we really doing this? But I think those are
Speaker 1: important because that's how you don't get too far down
Speaker 1: the wrong road. We talk about it about. We often
Speaker 1: talk about it being the right road. Like the guys
Speaker 1: in control, like, we made it three months. This means
Speaker 1: it's real. I'm going to meet his parents. We made
Speaker 1: it six months. This means you're probably gonna get engaged,
Speaker 1: versus like this is three months. This is like really, like,
Speaker 1: let's be really honest because I don't have to go
Speaker 1: too deep into this, and then the pendulum will have
Speaker 1: to swing and up my whole entire bio rhythm and
Speaker 1: system will be out of whack. So I like that
Speaker 1: a lot, and it's different. No one talks about that.
Speaker 1: That's very interesting.
Speaker 2: I talk about that shit all the time. Yeah, but
Speaker 2: you're correct, you're just putting different label. You're putting different
Speaker 2: labels on it, and so there is the I would say,
Speaker 2: you know, six months, are we doing this. That's the
Speaker 2: first time I told my wife I loved her right,
Speaker 2: everything was nice and easy, and then six months in
Speaker 2: and we're like, Okay, you're thirty eight, I'm thirty five.
Speaker 2: We both want kids. We're not screwing around here. I'm Jewish,
Speaker 2: you're Catholic. Can we work this stuff out?
Speaker 3: Yes?
Speaker 2: And if so, then I think we've got a pretty
Speaker 2: smooth path right right. And the problem is, for most people,
Speaker 2: the sunk cost fallacy is when you're on that track
Speaker 2: with someone you love right, and then you see the
Speaker 2: cracks in the armor and you don't want to see them. Oh,
Speaker 2: he is a bit narcissistic. He does have a temporary.
Speaker 1: But you don't want to cut bait because you don't
Speaker 1: want to have to swim back.
Speaker 2: Right, because then I have to go back to the
Speaker 2: shitty data people.
Speaker 1: It sucks.
Speaker 2: And that's how people end up in twenty year marriages
Speaker 2: with people where they knew six months in it was
Speaker 2: not yes.
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, preach. That's the problem. And also, as you
Speaker 1: get older, you get to be my age, you meet
Speaker 1: someone who's interesting, who's attractive, who you care about, you're like, wait,
Speaker 1: and you're in your own head thinking, but I won't
Speaker 1: meet anybody else in the same reason people do that
Speaker 1: at twenty thirty forty the whole time. And you're right,
Speaker 1: we have to have higher standards for ourselves and you
Speaker 1: have to be able to cut bait if you need
Speaker 1: to cut bait, and you have to.
Speaker 2: And that's why feeling and we're having a pretty cerebral conversation,
Speaker 2: but that's why talking about feelings is so important. Women
Speaker 2: in particular tend to ignore their feelings. Right. He is
Speaker 2: a investment banker, a doctor.
Speaker 1: The ladies.
Speaker 2: We have amazing sex, you know, when we're connected. He's
Speaker 2: so interesting, he's so generous with his family. So we
Speaker 2: can come up with all the reasons, yes, and what
Speaker 2: are we losing? I feel really anxious, like I don't
Speaker 2: feel like I could be myself. I feel like if
Speaker 2: I say the wrong thing, this whole thing could implode.
Speaker 2: That is the opposite of what it feels like to
Speaker 2: be in a healthy relationship. And then we hold on
Speaker 2: to that, yeah, anxiety forever.
Speaker 1: You could someone could love you. You could know that
Speaker 1: they love you, but you're not feeling loved.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: You could know for a fact that they love you,
Speaker 1: They've told you and you know it. In your body.
Speaker 1: But if you're not feeling loved and taking care of it,
Speaker 1: doesn't fucking matter.
Speaker 2: That's correct. And so what we do here is we
Speaker 2: dump those guys. We don't say maybe I can get
Speaker 2: him to know the way he did him the first
Speaker 2: six weeks.
Speaker 1: No, no chasing the dragon amazing.
Speaker 2: Well it's the saying uh, And you know this better
Speaker 2: than I do because you've you've run much bigger businesses, higher, slowly, fire, quickly, nice.
Speaker 1: All right, that's a good place to stop. Guys. You
Speaker 1: love this, My podcasting loves this.
Speaker 2: Thanks Evan, my pleasure, Thank you.
Speaker 3: Bye.
Speaker 2: We got to bat the back of burn