WEBVTT - Can People Change? with Life Coach Breck Costin

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<v Speaker 1>Hi, Hi, how are you.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh, I'm good. I'm really okay. I'm actually decently rested,

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<v Speaker 2>which is great, and things are okay good, Yeah, look good,

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<v Speaker 2>thank you. Okay. So this is Brack. We've spoken him before.

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<v Speaker 2>I don't like the term life coach, but that's what

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<v Speaker 2>he is. But it's sort of like a term that

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<v Speaker 2>gets shade because it seems like sort of faux spiritual,

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<v Speaker 2>touchy feely, weird, seminar ish. But Brack is actually a

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<v Speaker 2>life coach. He's the real deal.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm almost trained myself to kind of listen to what

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<v Speaker 1>people aren't saying, right, but you know that that's what's

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<v Speaker 1>behind the scenes, so that I can so that I

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<v Speaker 1>can direct people, and I really clear way of kind

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<v Speaker 1>of are they doing the right thing with the right

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<v Speaker 1>person in the right situation.

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<v Speaker 2>Because they're presenting to you off of what they want

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<v Speaker 2>you to hear, but you're seeing what is.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm listening to. I'm listening to what they're not saying.

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<v Speaker 1>A lot of times that makes sense. Yeah, so I

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<v Speaker 1>think that's probably a good probably good you know, entree

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<v Speaker 1>to the conversation.

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<v Speaker 2>Okay, so some reason, not for some reason, but there's

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<v Speaker 2>this convergence in things that I think about and talk

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<v Speaker 2>about with like personal relationships that are maybe not romantic

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<v Speaker 2>to romantic relationships to business. And the reason I say

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<v Speaker 2>that is why you know, it's not just that getting

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<v Speaker 2>married and signing a document is a business arrangement, but

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<v Speaker 2>it is there. It's a deal that two people make

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<v Speaker 2>and what are they bringing to the table. And because

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<v Speaker 2>I'm so knowledgeable in business and I am actually knowledgeable

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<v Speaker 2>in relationships too, but been more successful in business, I

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<v Speaker 2>know that they're not the same and you can't approach

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<v Speaker 2>them the same way. And coaches will say that often

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<v Speaker 2>people that are good in business think that they can

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<v Speaker 2>approach them the same way. But there are some things

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<v Speaker 2>that I do see in like metaphorically and analogy analogies

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<v Speaker 2>like saying if someone else is not meeting you where

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<v Speaker 2>you're at, or meeting you fifty percent at some points

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<v Speaker 2>and I'm sure will ebb and flow, then it might

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<v Speaker 2>not be the right relationship. And I find that in

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<v Speaker 2>business you could end a partnership in a similar way

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<v Speaker 2>that you feel you might want to end a partnership

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<v Speaker 2>in relationships, like wait, I'm the giving tree, I'm giving

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<v Speaker 2>and the other person is taking but not I'm not

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<v Speaker 2>getting back what I'm giving, Like, there's no not as

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<v Speaker 2>much of an ROI. So do you agree with that

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<v Speaker 2>there are similarities?

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, No, I think that there's absolutely similarities. First all,

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<v Speaker 1>I have human beings involved, and so those those contracts

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<v Speaker 1>can be absolutely similar and intersect in terms of you know,

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<v Speaker 1>similar applications. The component of what did Plato say years ago,

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<v Speaker 1>thousands of years ago that love is a grave mental disease,

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<v Speaker 1>So it offers up a whole other component. Though in

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<v Speaker 1>a relationship you will stay a lot of times a

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<v Speaker 1>lot longer than you might stay in a business partnership, right,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, You'll you'll have kids involved, so you'll think, well,

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<v Speaker 1>what's the what's the right to decision? Is it best

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<v Speaker 1>to leave a situation that's bad for the kids? Is

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<v Speaker 1>it best to stay in this situation for the kids.

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<v Speaker 1>So there's there's a lot more nuances that take place.

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<v Speaker 1>It doesn't mean that the financial aspects of a business partnership,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, or an in relationship don't come into play.

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<v Speaker 1>They're just I just think there they are really two

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<v Speaker 1>different animals, right and and and as you said, to

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<v Speaker 1>your point that a lot of times people who feel

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<v Speaker 1>that they've got an expertise in one area, think they've

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<v Speaker 1>got an expertise in another area, right, and they actually don't.

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<v Speaker 1>You know. So you've got to kind of know where

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<v Speaker 1>you where you lead, where you follow, where you you

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<v Speaker 1>need to collaborate, where you need to let go of something.

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<v Speaker 1>But you know, I think we use to say mapplic

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<v Speaker 1>we're successful if there's if we're successful in business, we

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<v Speaker 1>use that application and relationships and they don't necessarily work.

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<v Speaker 1>I would say, if you have a football coach, given that,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, got the Super Bowl coming up, right, who's

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<v Speaker 1>screaming and yelling, going, you know, at his players and

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<v Speaker 1>talking to them in a particular right, there's a particular

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<v Speaker 1>contract about that, right, Well, if he goes home and

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<v Speaker 1>does the same thing, right, you know. It's so it's

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<v Speaker 1>really understanding the differences and the nuances and how to

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<v Speaker 1>apply that and having that mobility in mental mobility, emotional mobility,

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<v Speaker 1>so you can actually you know, shift and people are

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<v Speaker 1>you know, and people can get pretty singular.

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<v Speaker 2>And I think sometimes some of the concepts in some

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<v Speaker 2>of the takeaway that people like you or a dating

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<v Speaker 2>coach or a matchmaker or a therapist give, it's kind

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<v Speaker 2>of like religion, where if you if you like, you

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<v Speaker 2>say like if it works for you that if cilantro

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<v Speaker 2>is working in the recipe for you, great, If not,

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<v Speaker 2>throw it out, will try something else, like it doesn't.

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<v Speaker 2>Just like medicine, you could be on one thing for antidepression.

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<v Speaker 2>It could work, it could not work, and then it

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<v Speaker 2>could not work after a while. It's like, you know

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<v Speaker 2>anything else that works for you or doesn't? So what

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<v Speaker 2>this dating coach who came on this show said something

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<v Speaker 2>that resonated with me and my audience, which was, if

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<v Speaker 2>you're dating or guess let's say getting into a relationship,

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<v Speaker 2>you want to get into a relationships, you are the CEO,

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<v Speaker 2>and you are hiring for this position. He would say

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<v Speaker 2>to both sides the same thing. He's not talking to

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<v Speaker 2>two people in a couple's relationship in that way, he's

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<v Speaker 2>coaching one person, but if you were coaching the other person,

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<v Speaker 2>he would be saying the same thing because he believes that.

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<v Speaker 2>I think what he's saying is that people are just

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<v Speaker 2>accepting so much that they don't deserve because they're not

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<v Speaker 2>seeing clearly when it comes to relationships. Meaning let's say

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<v Speaker 2>that you are hiring for this position. It's very important

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<v Speaker 2>to you. Whatever the position is, it's going to help

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<v Speaker 2>your overall life. Your business life, will help your personal

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<v Speaker 2>life and the way you feel every day. And I

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<v Speaker 2>know that from personal experience with people that I work

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<v Speaker 2>with in business, it can really drag you down and

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<v Speaker 2>it can really like affect your life. And if I'm

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<v Speaker 2>strict about someone that I'm hiring for the position that

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<v Speaker 2>I've said that I know what it is, and I've

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<v Speaker 2>sometimes broken that diet. Sometimes beforehand I've been like, well,

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<v Speaker 2>this person can't do this and they can't do that,

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<v Speaker 2>but they gave good interview, and then you end up unhappy.

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<v Speaker 2>And so he believes that you should treat your dating

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<v Speaker 2>life that way, meaning they're supposed to come in and

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<v Speaker 2>if they're not doing the things that would fulfill that

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<v Speaker 2>role that you've already said that you know that you need,

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<v Speaker 2>then then they should be fired. That's how he feels,

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<v Speaker 2>not maybe in marriage, because you've already have those other elements,

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<v Speaker 2>but like you're dating, what do you think about that?

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<v Speaker 1>No, I mean, I think that's I think that's pretty

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<v Speaker 1>spot on in terms of what you're looking at. I'd

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<v Speaker 1>probably would. I mean, like all of us are probably

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<v Speaker 1>doing terminology to that rather than say so, I mean,

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<v Speaker 1>I think that people, you know, a lot of times

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<v Speaker 1>are just as to his point, are accepting, well, someone

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<v Speaker 1>wants me, so that's good enough, right, that's right, that's

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<v Speaker 1>enough due diligence for me to actually, you know, say okay,

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<v Speaker 1>that's fine. And you can see that how problematic it

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<v Speaker 1>is down the road, right, that not using enough of

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<v Speaker 1>their own voice, their own discernment to determine is this

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<v Speaker 1>really good fit? And then chemistry comes in is involved.

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<v Speaker 1>So a lot of times I think things are dysfunctional

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<v Speaker 1>chemistry like oh I'm not enough ful, great, I'm great,

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<v Speaker 1>and let's get together. Right. So you know, so those

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<v Speaker 1>elements people make choices based on really inaccurate data, right,

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<v Speaker 1>A lot of times there they'll they'll commit to a

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<v Speaker 1>lifetime just based on chemistry when maybe that down the

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<v Speaker 1>road is going to be really problematic. Right, And and

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<v Speaker 1>you know we talked about that in the last session,

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<v Speaker 1>where charm like after two years you want to kill

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<v Speaker 1>the person, you know, bait and it comes nauseating. So

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<v Speaker 1>so you know, I think that's what kind of like

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<v Speaker 1>age gives you a little bit more when you're young,

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<v Speaker 1>you'll just commit to your expectations and you're and what

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<v Speaker 1>you want or what you think you want rather than

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<v Speaker 1>what might be actually really sustainable and grows and gets

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<v Speaker 1>better over time.

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<v Speaker 2>Well, that's why what you were saying in the beginning

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<v Speaker 2>about what someone's not saying. So what I didn't say,

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<v Speaker 2>which was the original TikTok I was talking about, was

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<v Speaker 2>the comments someone said. Let's say, I'm paraphrasing, but I

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<v Speaker 2>think it was exactly this, like, don't date who you

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<v Speaker 2>want them to be. Yeah, so what about that? Because

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<v Speaker 2>do people change? Do they not change? Can you? What

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<v Speaker 2>if you do have amazing chemistry, But it's more than chemistry.

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<v Speaker 2>What if the person is like minded, they are going

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<v Speaker 2>in the same direction, they have the same feeling about family,

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<v Speaker 2>or there are a lot of things that's not just

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<v Speaker 2>wanting to have sex with them, but there are some

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<v Speaker 2>key fundamentals. Is what if someone is what if I

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<v Speaker 2>want to change? What if they want to change? How

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<v Speaker 2>much can people actually change or not at all?

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<v Speaker 1>Well, I mean, first of all, I mean that's the business.

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<v Speaker 1>I mean, I'm the business of change. I mean in

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<v Speaker 1>a very concrete way. But I also think it's legitimate

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<v Speaker 1>when people say, well you know people don't really change.

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<v Speaker 1>I think both both of those questions, even though seem contradictory,

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<v Speaker 1>are correct. What heads, So.

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<v Speaker 2>Let's get into that because I agree, but I want

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<v Speaker 2>to I think that's why I'm saying it, because I

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<v Speaker 2>believe people can evolve or change. But then also I

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<v Speaker 2>think someone that you can't make a dog a cat.

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<v Speaker 2>So we're saying the same thing. But I want like

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<v Speaker 2>to break it down with you because I think it's

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<v Speaker 2>an important thing that people run around circles in their

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<v Speaker 2>heads convincing themselves and really don't know the actual answer

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<v Speaker 2>or the exceptions.

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<v Speaker 1>So to answer, to get into it, or to break

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<v Speaker 1>it down. There's there's certain stimulus of course, that prompts change.

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<v Speaker 1>Health breakdowns can prompt or change financial problems. The fires, yes,

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<v Speaker 1>are prompting in extraordinary change. Now you know LA has

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<v Speaker 1>got great resilience. But you know we got to work

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<v Speaker 1>on sustainability. Can we sustain the generosity the community to

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<v Speaker 1>build the dream from a different context? Right? So the

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<v Speaker 1>only thing, the only way that something changes is something's

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<v Speaker 1>more important than something else. Yes, So yes, that is

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<v Speaker 1>the key. So sobriety is more important than you know,

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<v Speaker 1>drinking or alcohol or whatever, or that you know, character

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<v Speaker 1>is more important than reputation. So something has to be

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<v Speaker 1>more important than something else, and there can be stimulus.

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<v Speaker 2>Is to that, I was just, oh my god, I

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<v Speaker 2>love you so much. Okay, great, I'm excited we're going

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<v Speaker 2>in this direction.

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<v Speaker 1>So stimulus can as I said, it could be healthy,

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<v Speaker 1>financial can be another person, like I love this person

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<v Speaker 1>so much, I'm willing to do what it takes without

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<v Speaker 1>a compromising your essence.

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<v Speaker 2>You're saying the effective. Something has to happen for something

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<v Speaker 2>to happen. So it could be the fires, It could

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<v Speaker 2>be someone hits rock bottom. It could be someone does

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<v Speaker 2>it realizes what it's like to be without the other

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<v Speaker 2>person they need. But there needs to be a stimulus program.

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<v Speaker 2>It can't just be because otherwise people get atrophied in

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<v Speaker 2>that dynamic, right, like of what it is, you're eating junk,

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<v Speaker 2>you're unhealthy, and you're the wife sitting by watching your

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<v Speaker 2>husband kill themselves. Whatever it is.

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<v Speaker 1>Yes, so there has to be some prompt okay that

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<v Speaker 1>allows for that change, and it has to be important

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<v Speaker 1>enough that you feel like and because people will make

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<v Speaker 1>outther therapy twice or they may go see a coach

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<v Speaker 1>a few times. But to have that sustain you really

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<v Speaker 1>do have to do whatever it takes. Now, why this

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<v Speaker 1>is so difficult for people when people say, well not,

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<v Speaker 1>no one really changes because that voice in your head

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<v Speaker 1>after you've taken a few actions, if you don't see

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<v Speaker 1>immediate results, a lot of people they don't go back

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<v Speaker 1>to their original behavior.

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<v Speaker 2>Or you might see immediate results and think I'm done,

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<v Speaker 2>I'm cured, let's go. I don't need it.

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<v Speaker 1>Any dat as well, So to really make a change,

0:11:55.480 --> 0:11:57.880
<v Speaker 1>because the voice in most people sads is like, Okay,

0:11:57.960 --> 0:11:59.960
<v Speaker 1>if you make this change, you're also going to lose

0:12:00.400 --> 0:12:04.199
<v Speaker 1>you know, your your talents, your qualities, your your abilities.

0:12:04.559 --> 0:12:06.760
<v Speaker 1>You know, we talk about the charm. If I if

0:12:06.760 --> 0:12:09.640
<v Speaker 1>I intervene in charm for integrity, I'm going to lose

0:12:09.760 --> 0:12:11.280
<v Speaker 1>all my you know, skills.

0:12:11.840 --> 0:12:13.600
<v Speaker 2>Or if I stop drinking, I won't be fun and entertaining.

0:12:13.679 --> 0:12:15.240
<v Speaker 1>I won't be entertaining, right. I think there was a

0:12:15.240 --> 0:12:19.480
<v Speaker 1>Seinfeld so like fun yeah, fun bad Yeah, right, like

0:12:19.640 --> 0:12:21.800
<v Speaker 1>hey fun, Bobby is coming over. Well he stopped drinking

0:12:21.800 --> 0:12:23.000
<v Speaker 1>and he's no fun.

0:12:22.960 --> 0:12:26.280
<v Speaker 2>Right, So that was the Housewives entire a lot of.

0:12:26.679 --> 0:12:28.840
<v Speaker 1>But that's but that's a myth. By the way. As

0:12:28.840 --> 0:12:32.520
<v Speaker 1>far as i'm I think that if you really introduce change,

0:12:32.559 --> 0:12:35.679
<v Speaker 1>and you really make those changes, it enhances all your qualities.

0:12:35.760 --> 0:12:38.560
<v Speaker 1>It enhances all your existing qualities. I think it's a

0:12:38.559 --> 0:12:40.079
<v Speaker 1>myth that you're going to lose those things.

0:12:40.360 --> 0:12:42.040
<v Speaker 2>I do too, and I also think that this is

0:12:42.040 --> 0:12:43.840
<v Speaker 2>why I'm making parallels. In business. You could have a

0:12:43.880 --> 0:12:47.040
<v Speaker 2>business partner that's good in many ways, but maybe it's

0:12:47.080 --> 0:12:48.880
<v Speaker 2>the way they speak to you, or maybe it's the dynamic.

0:12:49.480 --> 0:12:53.880
<v Speaker 2>So let's say you are the personally what you're saying.

0:12:54.320 --> 0:12:56.320
<v Speaker 1>Building great teams. That's been one of my you know,

0:12:56.360 --> 0:12:59.760
<v Speaker 1>one of my intentions and specialties is to build great teams.

0:13:00.080 --> 0:13:02.520
<v Speaker 1>You'll know that the lane that they're in, and they

0:13:02.679 --> 0:13:04.160
<v Speaker 1>know how to stay in their lane, and how to

0:13:04.160 --> 0:13:06.120
<v Speaker 1>work with other people in their lane, and all of

0:13:06.160 --> 0:13:10.120
<v Speaker 1>those kinds of dynamics make a successful business.

0:13:11.440 --> 0:13:13.640
<v Speaker 2>Of course, by the way, this synergy is the whole thing,

0:13:13.679 --> 0:13:18.240
<v Speaker 2>and often it comes in unlikely packages. Meaning my greatest

0:13:18.280 --> 0:13:23.440
<v Speaker 2>partnerships are my partnership with Michael, my relief work partner,

0:13:23.480 --> 0:13:26.959
<v Speaker 2>and David Kambar, my Skinny Girl partner. And I want

0:13:26.960 --> 0:13:29.199
<v Speaker 2>to kill them both like I want to, and I

0:13:29.200 --> 0:13:30.559
<v Speaker 2>have wanted to kill them both, that they wanted to

0:13:30.640 --> 0:13:33.319
<v Speaker 2>kill me both. But they both have the right temperament

0:13:33.760 --> 0:13:37.319
<v Speaker 2>for me and vice versa, and their opposites in many ways.

0:13:37.440 --> 0:13:39.640
<v Speaker 2>And they let me be who I am and I've

0:13:39.720 --> 0:13:41.839
<v Speaker 2>let them be who they It's just interesting, but they

0:13:42.320 --> 0:13:45.160
<v Speaker 2>are completely No one ever set us up for business

0:13:45.320 --> 0:13:47.720
<v Speaker 2>or for relief. I found them on my own. Ever. Really,

0:13:48.000 --> 0:13:50.480
<v Speaker 2>you and this personality should be together. Never.

0:13:51.280 --> 0:13:53.400
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, And that's been that's been true. That's been true

0:13:53.440 --> 0:13:56.960
<v Speaker 1>for me as well, both in in my relationship, in

0:13:57.000 --> 0:14:00.160
<v Speaker 1>my marriage as well as in my business partnerships. If

0:14:00.160 --> 0:14:02.200
<v Speaker 1>you left it up to kind of my ego or

0:14:02.200 --> 0:14:04.840
<v Speaker 1>what I thought was the perfect match, yeah, we would

0:14:04.840 --> 0:14:06.240
<v Speaker 1>have never picked those people.

0:14:06.640 --> 0:14:09.880
<v Speaker 2>Interesting, Okay, so that's great. So so you're the person

0:14:09.880 --> 0:14:12.160
<v Speaker 2>who wants the other person to change. You're the person

0:14:12.160 --> 0:14:14.800
<v Speaker 2>whose husband drinks too much. You're the person who doesn't.

0:14:14.800 --> 0:14:16.640
<v Speaker 2>They don't think remember you on the anniversary of the

0:14:16.640 --> 0:14:19.200
<v Speaker 2>flowers they're taking you for granted, you're the giving tree.

0:14:19.520 --> 0:14:24.480
<v Speaker 2>People say someone has to change on their own. But

0:14:24.640 --> 0:14:26.600
<v Speaker 2>like you're saying, but that doesn't mean we're going to

0:14:26.640 --> 0:14:28.680
<v Speaker 2>sit in the definition of insanity. I'm married to you,

0:14:28.720 --> 0:14:30.840
<v Speaker 2>and we're going to keep making the same mistake. So

0:14:30.880 --> 0:14:34.360
<v Speaker 2>there has to be the stimulus. So it has to

0:14:34.400 --> 0:14:36.600
<v Speaker 2>be what that the one person is going to be

0:14:37.200 --> 0:14:40.280
<v Speaker 2>self respecting enough or in their business saying I am

0:14:40.320 --> 0:14:42.000
<v Speaker 2>going to own my part and I'm going to do

0:14:42.040 --> 0:14:44.120
<v Speaker 2>fifty percent, but I'm not going to do ninety percent.

0:14:44.480 --> 0:14:48.040
<v Speaker 2>So when I am only doing fifty percent, the partnership

0:14:48.080 --> 0:14:50.280
<v Speaker 2>will suffer and the other person will realize, like, where

0:14:50.320 --> 0:14:52.640
<v Speaker 2>does that stimulus come from? For that person that wants

0:14:52.640 --> 0:14:54.960
<v Speaker 2>to change the other person but knows that you can't

0:14:55.040 --> 0:14:57.000
<v Speaker 2>change another person, they have to change themselves.

0:14:58.000 --> 0:15:00.840
<v Speaker 1>But before before that, I think think we have to

0:15:00.960 --> 0:15:02.920
<v Speaker 1>you have to determine when you're looking on your kind

0:15:02.920 --> 0:15:08.920
<v Speaker 1>of forging out of partnership, proposing whatever you're doing, you

0:15:09.000 --> 0:15:10.800
<v Speaker 1>have to really have a set I mean, like.

0:15:10.800 --> 0:15:12.320
<v Speaker 2>You're saying someone's going to propose marriage. I have to

0:15:12.360 --> 0:15:13.400
<v Speaker 2>decide that's the right person.

0:15:13.440 --> 0:15:17.520
<v Speaker 1>Okay. You have to have a strong sense of does

0:15:17.560 --> 0:15:20.840
<v Speaker 1>this person have the ability to fulfill in that area?

0:15:21.280 --> 0:15:23.480
<v Speaker 1>Really you really have to know that so so that

0:15:23.520 --> 0:15:27.600
<v Speaker 1>they're complimentary skills. So, I mean, I think a lot

0:15:27.640 --> 0:15:32.400
<v Speaker 1>of times our expectations are unrealistic because that person's never

0:15:32.480 --> 0:15:34.960
<v Speaker 1>going to be there's certain people are really brilliant at math,

0:15:35.000 --> 0:15:37.120
<v Speaker 1>and certain people are great, you know, just like you know,

0:15:37.120 --> 0:15:40.240
<v Speaker 1>are great entrepreneurs, and certain people are great at executing

0:15:40.280 --> 0:15:45.280
<v Speaker 1>other people's intentions. And people can originate ideas. A lot

0:15:45.320 --> 0:15:47.200
<v Speaker 1>of times people want to be what they're not, or

0:15:47.200 --> 0:15:49.880
<v Speaker 1>they want to keep trying to provide what they don't have.

0:15:50.160 --> 0:15:52.600
<v Speaker 1>So I think a lot of times in those relationships,

0:15:53.800 --> 0:15:58.040
<v Speaker 1>you know, people are having really unrealistic expectations of what

0:15:58.080 --> 0:16:00.680
<v Speaker 1>the person can actually fulfill on and then they get

0:16:00.680 --> 0:16:05.000
<v Speaker 1>frustrated with that. And in most and in dating, people

0:16:05.040 --> 0:16:08.240
<v Speaker 1>are promoting things that they're not necessary, that are necessarily true.

0:16:08.720 --> 0:16:10.480
<v Speaker 1>You know, they're morning, they're showing, they're putting the best

0:16:10.520 --> 0:16:15.640
<v Speaker 1>foot forward. So so I think that kind of like

0:16:16.000 --> 0:16:19.920
<v Speaker 1>doing that due diligence and understanding, Oh you know this

0:16:20.000 --> 0:16:22.800
<v Speaker 1>is this person's really great at emotional access, this person

0:16:22.840 --> 0:16:25.720
<v Speaker 1>is really great at you know, providing you know, creative

0:16:25.880 --> 0:16:29.160
<v Speaker 1>and creative expression, and understanding that so that you have

0:16:29.200 --> 0:16:30.240
<v Speaker 1>complimentary skills.

0:16:43.320 --> 0:16:45.480
<v Speaker 2>And the reason it's very different with business too, is

0:16:45.480 --> 0:16:49.320
<v Speaker 2>that in business, in many cases, people want to make money. Yeah,

0:16:49.400 --> 0:16:50.800
<v Speaker 2>turn the brand. It's three things you want to do.

0:16:50.880 --> 0:16:52.880
<v Speaker 2>You want to either have generational wealth and pass this

0:16:52.960 --> 0:16:55.120
<v Speaker 2>businesses on to your kids. You have a great idea,

0:16:55.160 --> 0:16:57.480
<v Speaker 2>you want to sell the brand, you want to you know,

0:16:57.480 --> 0:16:59.600
<v Speaker 2>employ a bunch of people, You're going to send it

0:16:59.640 --> 0:17:02.720
<v Speaker 2>all to already cash out whatever. There's five options of

0:17:02.760 --> 0:17:06.800
<v Speaker 2>what real true entrepreneurs want with a relationship. Are you

0:17:06.840 --> 0:17:09.320
<v Speaker 2>healing your relationship with your mother? Do you just not

0:17:09.359 --> 0:17:11.160
<v Speaker 2>want to be alone? Do you want to be rich?

0:17:11.280 --> 0:17:12.760
<v Speaker 2>Do you want to have good sex? Do you want

0:17:12.800 --> 0:17:14.600
<v Speaker 2>to be with a hot guy or girl? Do you

0:17:14.600 --> 0:17:17.560
<v Speaker 2>want Luck's goods? Like, there's a thousand different things, And

0:17:17.680 --> 0:17:19.640
<v Speaker 2>how do people determine what's supposed to be the most

0:17:19.680 --> 0:17:22.919
<v Speaker 2>important for them versus what their parents want, or what

0:17:23.000 --> 0:17:25.800
<v Speaker 2>society wants, or what they think they want? Like, is

0:17:25.800 --> 0:17:27.680
<v Speaker 2>someone supposed to write a list? Like what are people

0:17:27.720 --> 0:17:31.080
<v Speaker 2>supposed to do to decide what they actually want?

0:17:31.640 --> 0:17:34.200
<v Speaker 1>Well, I mean i've I mean I have found or

0:17:34.320 --> 0:17:37.000
<v Speaker 1>I'm not saying this is necessarily true, it's just something.

0:17:37.040 --> 0:17:42.399
<v Speaker 1>It's just my experience is that a relationship is really

0:17:42.440 --> 0:17:47.560
<v Speaker 1>designed for evolution. And that's what I see. So that means, okay,

0:17:47.560 --> 0:17:51.560
<v Speaker 1>your own personal evolution, the collective evolution of the two people,

0:17:51.920 --> 0:17:57.160
<v Speaker 1>or polyamorous relationships, the collective evolution of that as well

0:17:57.200 --> 0:17:59.359
<v Speaker 1>as the procreation of the species, like you know that

0:17:59.400 --> 0:18:01.679
<v Speaker 1>we leave you know, we're leaving people better off, like

0:18:01.720 --> 0:18:03.040
<v Speaker 1>our children are better than we.

0:18:02.880 --> 0:18:06.760
<v Speaker 2>Were, right, Okay, yeah, so if which is which is

0:18:06.800 --> 0:18:07.760
<v Speaker 2>literally evolution?

0:18:07.880 --> 0:18:11.640
<v Speaker 1>So if that's the context, okay, with that as a context, right,

0:18:11.920 --> 0:18:14.439
<v Speaker 1>because people go into most relationships to be happy, and

0:18:14.520 --> 0:18:18.200
<v Speaker 1>I think that's a setup for a disaster, right because

0:18:18.240 --> 0:18:19.960
<v Speaker 1>at some point that wonkret But if you go and

0:18:19.960 --> 0:18:24.200
<v Speaker 1>committed to evolution, meaning that that everyone has some sort

0:18:24.240 --> 0:18:26.879
<v Speaker 1>of trauma on some level major B, then there's a

0:18:26.960 --> 0:18:29.480
<v Speaker 1>hierarchy to trauma, of course, but something that they bring

0:18:29.520 --> 0:18:34.840
<v Speaker 1>they bring in. They bring in skills, passions, traumas, interests,

0:18:34.960 --> 0:18:38.639
<v Speaker 1>you know, all kinds of nuances. And usually in a

0:18:38.680 --> 0:18:44.000
<v Speaker 1>relationship those things become highlighted like oh, you know, I

0:18:44.040 --> 0:18:47.320
<v Speaker 1>can't complete anything, or I can't make something happen, or

0:18:47.359 --> 0:18:49.120
<v Speaker 1>I'm not a good cook, I don't know whatever. Those

0:18:49.160 --> 0:18:52.880
<v Speaker 1>traumas might manifest as, and we usually indict each other

0:18:53.240 --> 0:18:56.760
<v Speaker 1>for the things that were not and in a relationship

0:18:56.880 --> 0:19:00.800
<v Speaker 1>rather than no, those are those are getting revealed in

0:19:00.880 --> 0:19:04.840
<v Speaker 1>an intimate relationship. As soon as you're in a committed relationship,

0:19:05.000 --> 0:19:08.240
<v Speaker 1>the issues come up for everyone. Right, you know, I'm

0:19:08.240 --> 0:19:11.120
<v Speaker 1>not enough. I mean, I'm not wanted, I'm not desired.

0:19:11.960 --> 0:19:14.080
<v Speaker 1>I need to work really hard, you know. You know

0:19:14.280 --> 0:19:17.360
<v Speaker 1>I've got all these different different aspects that come up,

0:19:17.440 --> 0:19:21.560
<v Speaker 1>all these traumas that get revealed in a healthy relationship.

0:19:22.040 --> 0:19:25.600
<v Speaker 1>You allow for those you didn't give the person the trauma,

0:19:25.640 --> 0:19:28.040
<v Speaker 1>you didn't give the person the issue, but you certainly

0:19:28.080 --> 0:19:31.280
<v Speaker 1>are revealing it. There's no question that it's getting exacerbated.

0:19:31.400 --> 0:19:34.119
<v Speaker 1>In an intimate relationship. Every one of us, you know,

0:19:34.160 --> 0:19:37.800
<v Speaker 1>gets to see ourselves really clearly if we're looking, you know,

0:19:37.880 --> 0:19:39.399
<v Speaker 1>through that lens of the other person.

0:19:40.080 --> 0:19:42.960
<v Speaker 2>So give me an example, like, let's do an example

0:19:42.960 --> 0:19:44.800
<v Speaker 2>that we're in I'm in a relationship with you. What

0:19:44.800 --> 0:19:45.720
<v Speaker 2>what what happens?

0:19:46.160 --> 0:19:49.840
<v Speaker 1>So so I'm not going to go to all my

0:19:50.040 --> 0:19:52.560
<v Speaker 1>total personal history, but no, no, no, no, just me. But

0:19:52.680 --> 0:19:56.320
<v Speaker 1>there's there's things that I came in where I'm completely

0:19:56.400 --> 0:19:59.600
<v Speaker 1>I'm controlling. So I'll just do it controlling. It goes

0:19:59.640 --> 0:20:03.120
<v Speaker 1>my way or the highway. I don't have a lot

0:20:03.119 --> 0:20:06.040
<v Speaker 1>of guilt, And they're all kind of there are dysfunctional

0:20:06.080 --> 0:20:08.359
<v Speaker 1>affects that have come from a trauma, right, so I

0:20:08.359 --> 0:20:11.479
<v Speaker 1>can you're selfish, Yeah, so I come in there. I

0:20:11.600 --> 0:20:15.320
<v Speaker 1>have to find someone who's sacrificial. That's the chemistry of

0:20:15.400 --> 0:20:18.960
<v Speaker 1>most of those kinds of relationships, right, So someone sacrificial

0:20:19.400 --> 0:20:22.600
<v Speaker 1>and so those things keep you know, combining. So she

0:20:23.040 --> 0:20:26.520
<v Speaker 1>or he betting En here with is generating more resentments

0:20:26.680 --> 0:20:27.479
<v Speaker 1>as time goes on.

0:20:27.600 --> 0:20:29.560
<v Speaker 2>I was gonna say, because you're not evolving either, because

0:20:29.560 --> 0:20:31.720
<v Speaker 2>you're being able to just like go.

0:20:31.600 --> 0:20:33.120
<v Speaker 1>At thermometer, so just don't know.

0:20:33.400 --> 0:20:35.440
<v Speaker 2>And the same muscle you're not working at any muscle,

0:20:35.440 --> 0:20:37.520
<v Speaker 2>that's the muscle you always have worked out, and maybe

0:20:37.520 --> 0:20:39.600
<v Speaker 2>that person is doing the same thing. Then no one's growing,

0:20:39.680 --> 0:20:40.600
<v Speaker 2>that's what exactly.

0:20:40.680 --> 0:20:43.840
<v Speaker 1>So that's so each person is now banging on each

0:20:43.840 --> 0:20:48.679
<v Speaker 1>other right then, looking to see how my control issues

0:20:48.720 --> 0:20:51.600
<v Speaker 1>are getting more and more heightened and revealed in that situation.

0:20:51.720 --> 0:20:53.560
<v Speaker 1>Then I sit down and go, god, I guess can't

0:20:53.600 --> 0:20:56.439
<v Speaker 1>believe you know how much it needs to go my way?

0:20:56.800 --> 0:20:58.960
<v Speaker 1>And I get to share more about that, so I

0:20:59.000 --> 0:21:01.480
<v Speaker 1>have more relationship with that so I can work that out.

0:21:01.600 --> 0:21:04.440
<v Speaker 1>The other person gets to see like, oh, I never

0:21:04.520 --> 0:21:07.640
<v Speaker 1>speak up, I never say anything, I never ask for anything,

0:21:07.960 --> 0:21:11.040
<v Speaker 1>you know, But now it's spitting in the person's food basically.

0:21:11.480 --> 0:21:13.840
<v Speaker 2>So, but what happens if you find the person that

0:21:14.000 --> 0:21:17.160
<v Speaker 2>is not accepting the way that you are, But now

0:21:17.160 --> 0:21:19.320
<v Speaker 2>it's constant pushback, you having to question yourself. So now

0:21:19.359 --> 0:21:21.520
<v Speaker 2>you're in a battle. One is atrophy, one's a battle.

0:21:21.880 --> 0:21:23.960
<v Speaker 1>So that's why I say, I think a really great

0:21:24.000 --> 0:21:27.440
<v Speaker 1>relationship both people have to be committed to their own evolution.

0:21:28.080 --> 0:21:29.160
<v Speaker 1>Ah they do.

0:21:29.400 --> 0:21:30.840
<v Speaker 2>I'm going to meet in the middle. But it's what

0:21:30.920 --> 0:21:33.840
<v Speaker 2>I said, meeting half what You're meeting someone one way.

0:21:33.920 --> 0:21:37.159
<v Speaker 1>If you're the only person that's doing it right and

0:21:37.200 --> 0:21:39.480
<v Speaker 1>the other person thinks their point of view is the

0:21:39.640 --> 0:21:44.159
<v Speaker 1>point of view, it's a death sentence. Interesting, there's nothing

0:21:44.280 --> 0:21:48.560
<v Speaker 1>more painful than when you're trying to get to be heard, seen,

0:21:48.920 --> 0:21:51.679
<v Speaker 1>express and someone has their own point of view that

0:21:51.800 --> 0:21:54.520
<v Speaker 1>wasn't even allow for that that you're just gonna You're

0:21:54.520 --> 0:21:57.800
<v Speaker 1>just get frustrated, leave or kill the person something. So yeah,

0:21:57.840 --> 0:22:00.720
<v Speaker 1>both people have to be you know, admitted to that

0:22:01.200 --> 0:22:04.680
<v Speaker 1>right now. And and I think when I look at

0:22:04.680 --> 0:22:07.960
<v Speaker 1>really great relationships, you know people that's that's naturally kind

0:22:08.000 --> 0:22:11.200
<v Speaker 1>of going on. You know, some people are actively doing that,

0:22:11.400 --> 0:22:14.160
<v Speaker 1>but some people that's just kind of organic. And then

0:22:14.200 --> 0:22:17.680
<v Speaker 1>you see each person's skills being kind of shared. Right,

0:22:17.760 --> 0:22:21.919
<v Speaker 1>Someone's more, you know, more available emotionally or has more

0:22:22.000 --> 0:22:25.239
<v Speaker 1>room that way, can diffuse arguments better. Someone else, you know,

0:22:25.480 --> 0:22:28.760
<v Speaker 1>is more creative, you know, can can generate more. And

0:22:28.800 --> 0:22:32.719
<v Speaker 1>then you watch the complementary aspects of those take place. Uh,

0:22:32.840 --> 0:22:37.040
<v Speaker 1>and it looks really fluid in that way. But but

0:22:37.160 --> 0:22:39.800
<v Speaker 1>most people don't commit to evolution. They commit to their expectations.

0:22:39.840 --> 0:22:41.440
<v Speaker 1>They commit to concepts.

0:22:42.960 --> 0:22:44.560
<v Speaker 2>By the way, that's you and this dating coach would

0:22:44.560 --> 0:22:47.160
<v Speaker 2>actually do great work together. He says the same. He says,

0:22:47.200 --> 0:22:49.399
<v Speaker 2>you meet someone. He says it in a more eloquent

0:22:49.440 --> 0:22:51.679
<v Speaker 2>way because I don't remember the exact tart words, but

0:22:51.960 --> 0:22:56.119
<v Speaker 2>he's saying, you meet someone, and now you're immediately in

0:22:56.119 --> 0:22:58.679
<v Speaker 2>a relationship with your expectations of what this was, what

0:22:58.720 --> 0:23:01.560
<v Speaker 2>their dating profile was, what they what their name is,

0:23:01.600 --> 0:23:05.680
<v Speaker 2>where they're from. Like, you're already completely ahead of yourself

0:23:05.800 --> 0:23:07.840
<v Speaker 2>instead of just being in exactly.

0:23:07.440 --> 0:23:10.560
<v Speaker 3>What's in front of you. Yeah, and I mean expectations

0:23:10.600 --> 0:23:13.320
<v Speaker 3>what you're saying, and that is that is I mean

0:23:13.359 --> 0:23:16.440
<v Speaker 3>that is not an easy that's a and that's a discipline. Right,

0:23:16.720 --> 0:23:19.280
<v Speaker 3>there's some sort of discipline to make sure that you're

0:23:19.320 --> 0:23:23.679
<v Speaker 3>actually listening with the person you're with and understanding you

0:23:23.720 --> 0:23:26.280
<v Speaker 3>know what, you know, what their deficiencies are, what their

0:23:26.320 --> 0:23:29.359
<v Speaker 3>sufficiencies are, you know, having a full blown relation, and

0:23:29.400 --> 0:23:31.800
<v Speaker 3>it doesn't take away the romance, doesn't take away the creativity,

0:23:32.200 --> 0:23:34.600
<v Speaker 3>you know, it actually allows for it all the time.

0:23:35.440 --> 0:23:38.640
<v Speaker 2>Right, what do you think? So? I think that I

0:23:38.640 --> 0:23:42.320
<v Speaker 2>I think that love is probably a dangerous word because

0:23:42.960 --> 0:23:47.280
<v Speaker 2>everybody places so much emphasis on either that feeling or

0:23:47.320 --> 0:23:49.879
<v Speaker 2>that word and when like, so people will be like,

0:23:50.720 --> 0:23:53.760
<v Speaker 2>but she loves me, Like I know she loves me,

0:23:53.840 --> 0:23:56.560
<v Speaker 2>but it's like, okay, but she loves you, but how

0:23:56.640 --> 0:24:01.040
<v Speaker 2>is she treating you? Or but she loves me? Okay,

0:24:01.040 --> 0:24:03.159
<v Speaker 2>but don't you have to love yourself? Because if she

0:24:03.280 --> 0:24:06.119
<v Speaker 2>loves you but you still are not happy, are you

0:24:06.160 --> 0:24:06.800
<v Speaker 2>loving yourself?

0:24:06.840 --> 0:24:06.879
<v Speaker 1>Like?

0:24:06.920 --> 0:24:11.000
<v Speaker 2>I think the word love is a very uh loaded

0:24:11.560 --> 0:24:14.760
<v Speaker 2>word because it becomes something that people just rely on

0:24:14.800 --> 0:24:16.399
<v Speaker 2>and then they don't have to do everything else. Well,

0:24:16.440 --> 0:24:19.800
<v Speaker 2>I love her, I do love her? Okay, great, so

0:24:20.000 --> 0:24:23.880
<v Speaker 2>back it up? So what about that?

0:24:24.160 --> 0:24:27.440
<v Speaker 1>You know the expression love conquers all right, Yeah, that's

0:24:27.480 --> 0:24:30.760
<v Speaker 1>a dangerous right right right, because it looks because you

0:24:30.800 --> 0:24:35.000
<v Speaker 1>put all the onus on love, as you just said,

0:24:35.160 --> 0:24:36.120
<v Speaker 1>to handle everything.

0:24:36.840 --> 0:24:39.800
<v Speaker 2>Love is the answer. Love wins. It's not It isn't right.

0:24:41.119 --> 0:24:45.800
<v Speaker 1>Love is a portal to you know, real work that

0:24:45.880 --> 0:24:49.840
<v Speaker 1>needs to be done have a successful relationship. Right, So

0:24:50.320 --> 0:24:52.800
<v Speaker 1>there has to be a foundation of how you feel

0:24:52.840 --> 0:24:55.679
<v Speaker 1>about the person, how you care about the person. You know,

0:24:55.720 --> 0:24:59.040
<v Speaker 1>what's there that a glue that will that will keep

0:24:59.080 --> 0:25:02.600
<v Speaker 1>you together during difficult times. But then on top of

0:25:02.640 --> 0:25:07.160
<v Speaker 1>that all the work I said of evolution, communication, understanding,

0:25:07.320 --> 0:25:11.159
<v Speaker 1>be able to hear something, see someone right. You know

0:25:11.240 --> 0:25:12.879
<v Speaker 1>a lot of people don't feel seen at all in

0:25:12.920 --> 0:25:16.440
<v Speaker 1>a relationship or don't feel heard. And so love is

0:25:16.480 --> 0:25:18.639
<v Speaker 1>a love is a I can consider it a found

0:25:18.720 --> 0:25:23.480
<v Speaker 1>foundational aspect, but I certainly don't consider it the entire story, right,

0:25:23.720 --> 0:25:25.480
<v Speaker 1>And so it can be and and if you're a

0:25:25.560 --> 0:25:28.280
<v Speaker 1>romantic that can you know you're you're counting saying.

0:25:28.160 --> 0:25:30.159
<v Speaker 2>It's the foundation of the house. But you do need

0:25:30.200 --> 0:25:31.440
<v Speaker 2>window treatments.

0:25:31.040 --> 0:25:35.879
<v Speaker 1>Flooring, like you know, all of that, right, And I

0:25:35.880 --> 0:25:39.200
<v Speaker 1>think that's where you know, we've been sold the mythology

0:25:39.240 --> 0:25:43.280
<v Speaker 1>that love conquers all and and then we have tons

0:25:43.280 --> 0:25:48.240
<v Speaker 1>of programming that that support that, right, and and you know,

0:25:48.320 --> 0:25:49.800
<v Speaker 1>I mean I think that then people don't do the

0:25:49.800 --> 0:25:52.960
<v Speaker 1>work that's required. And I'm always saying because you know,

0:25:52.960 --> 0:25:55.199
<v Speaker 1>they got people have these sayings like, well, you know,

0:25:55.400 --> 0:25:57.960
<v Speaker 1>if if it was really working, you know, I mean,

0:25:58.040 --> 0:26:00.960
<v Speaker 1>you know, which should it shouldn't be this difficult, right,

0:26:01.040 --> 0:26:04.760
<v Speaker 1>you know, love should take care of But I'm saying, what,

0:26:05.000 --> 0:26:08.680
<v Speaker 1>it's the only thing you know that doesn't require work.

0:26:08.800 --> 0:26:11.879
<v Speaker 1>Everything that requires some sort of you know, work, discipline,

0:26:12.320 --> 0:26:14.960
<v Speaker 1>you know, commitment. You just need to know that you're

0:26:15.000 --> 0:26:19.000
<v Speaker 1>not spinning your wheels, that the work you're doing is growing, developing,

0:26:19.400 --> 0:26:22.320
<v Speaker 1>going somewhere. And that's the same in a business relationship

0:26:22.520 --> 0:26:25.080
<v Speaker 1>and a partnership, and there's signs for that as an

0:26:25.160 --> 0:26:28.479
<v Speaker 1>intimate relationship. You don't want to be doing this spinning

0:26:28.480 --> 0:26:31.560
<v Speaker 1>your wheels and spending your wheels and getting no traction

0:26:31.720 --> 0:26:35.640
<v Speaker 1>at all in either a business relationship or an intimate relationship.

0:26:36.119 --> 0:26:39.800
<v Speaker 1>So knowing that it's going somewhere is essential.