WEBVTT - Mildred Muhammad's Story [bonus] 0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:03.920 Welcome to Monster DC Sniper, a production of I Heart 0:00:04.000 --> 0:00:07.640 Radio and Tenderfoot TV. The views and opinions expressed in 0:00:07.640 --> 0:00:10.720 this podcast are solely those of the podcast author or 0:00:10.760 --> 0:00:14.200 individuals participating in the podcast, and do not represent those 0:00:14.200 --> 0:00:18.479 of I Heart Media, Tenderfoot TV, or their employees. Listener 0:00:18.520 --> 0:00:23.720 discretion is advised. Mill Dad, you let me know when 0:00:23.720 --> 0:00:29.360 we're rolling and Hi, lady, Hi, I know it won't 0:00:29.400 --> 0:00:33.320 be easy. Um, what won't be easy talking about some 0:00:33.360 --> 0:00:39.320 of this stuff? Easy? Yeah? Really, it may not be 0:00:39.360 --> 0:00:42.400 easy for you to hear it. For you? Is that 0:00:42.440 --> 0:00:45.159 because you're processed it? I'm done? What does that mean? 0:00:45.200 --> 0:00:47.920 You're done? It means I do not have any emotional 0:00:48.040 --> 0:00:51.640 charge to this story. You may have one, Other people 0:00:51.680 --> 0:00:55.120 may have one, but I don't. How long do you 0:00:55.200 --> 0:00:57.400 expect me to hold onto that kind of pain? It's 0:00:57.400 --> 0:00:59.720 been two thousand two, We're in two thousand nineteen. I 0:00:59.760 --> 0:01:02.640 still supposed to be crying, and I'm still supposed to 0:01:02.680 --> 0:01:07.280 feel some type of emotions towards him. Some people think 0:01:07.280 --> 0:01:09.399 I'm still supposed to love him and forgive him. No, 0:01:09.760 --> 0:01:12.240 I'm not supposed to do that. That's your interpretation of 0:01:12.319 --> 0:01:15.760 what I'm supposed to do, and I have my interpretation 0:01:16.000 --> 0:01:20.200 of what I will do. I get to choose that. 0:01:21.240 --> 0:01:24.840 So the idea that I would think that this might 0:01:24.880 --> 0:01:28.960 be painful as a projection, exactly, it's an assumption. You're 0:01:29.000 --> 0:01:32.680 basing your assumption on other people's or your own perspective 0:01:32.760 --> 0:01:38.040 of how you feel I should be with this story. 0:01:38.520 --> 0:01:42.760 That's not my reality, that's yours. So we're a minute 0:01:42.760 --> 0:01:50.440 in and she's already dropped the mic. She's already well, 0:01:52.520 --> 0:01:55.120 thank you for that, no problem, thank you for that. 0:01:58.320 --> 0:02:02.680 I'm Tony Harris the special episode of Monster DC Sniper. 0:02:03.040 --> 0:02:07.280 I'm proud to present our interview with Mildred Mohammed. Mildred 0:02:07.400 --> 0:02:10.480 is a domestic violence awareness advocate and the ex wife 0:02:10.520 --> 0:02:14.720 of John Mohammed. John kidnapped her children, threatened her life, 0:02:15.160 --> 0:02:18.240 and many believe the DC Sniper attacks were part of 0:02:18.280 --> 0:02:22.440 a plan to disguise her eventual murder. This interview covers 0:02:22.480 --> 0:02:25.760 topics we couldn't fit into the series. If you haven't 0:02:25.840 --> 0:02:28.040 listened to the whole season yet, it might be a 0:02:28.080 --> 0:02:31.519 good idea to finish the show first. All right, back 0:02:31.560 --> 0:02:34.880 to the interview, So could I have you a state 0:02:34.919 --> 0:02:40.320 your name and your professional speaker's title. I am Mildred Mohammed. 0:02:40.600 --> 0:02:45.519 I'm an award winning global keynote speaker. I'm a certified 0:02:45.560 --> 0:02:50.040 consultant with the Office on Victims of Crime, as certified 0:02:50.400 --> 0:02:56.320 Personal and Professional development coach. And my former husband was 0:02:56.480 --> 0:03:00.160 John Ala Mohammed, whom you all know to be the 0:03:00.240 --> 0:03:05.800 DC Sniper. I was laying on the sofa and I 0:03:05.880 --> 0:03:09.920 was having this dream about women calling me asking me 0:03:10.000 --> 0:03:12.000 for help, and they were just all around me, and 0:03:12.040 --> 0:03:14.960 I fell off the sofa and I went to my children. 0:03:15.000 --> 0:03:18.720 I said, look, I got to help other women, and 0:03:18.760 --> 0:03:20.360 the only way I can do that is to share 0:03:20.400 --> 0:03:24.400 my story and yours about your dad. And I need 0:03:24.440 --> 0:03:27.600 your permission to do that. And they say, Mom, you 0:03:27.639 --> 0:03:29.480 do what you need to do. Just tell the truth. 0:03:29.800 --> 0:03:32.200 Just tell the truth. And so that's when I went 0:03:32.240 --> 0:03:34.320 to the library. I got a book on how to 0:03:34.360 --> 0:03:38.080 become a professional speaker. Decided to have the Lowest Flower 0:03:38.160 --> 0:03:40.640 as my logo because it was a flower that came 0:03:40.680 --> 0:03:44.440 out of the darkness into the light. I looked up 0:03:44.800 --> 0:03:51.520 domestic violence conferences on Google. I found two, contacted them 0:03:51.560 --> 0:03:55.840 and I was able to land those two engagements, and 0:03:55.880 --> 0:04:00.040 I've been speaking ever since. When did you realize for 0:04:00.160 --> 0:04:04.200 yourself that you were in an abusive relationship. I was 0:04:04.320 --> 0:04:08.000 watching TV in Washington State and that was a p 0:04:08.280 --> 0:04:12.920 s A. I understand that coming out of a domestic 0:04:13.000 --> 0:04:16.400 violence relationship is not And it was a woman speaking 0:04:16.560 --> 0:04:21.320 and she told of all of the signs associated with 0:04:21.360 --> 0:04:26.320 domestic violence and as she's going through up. Okay, that's wine. Okay, 0:04:26.320 --> 0:04:31.880 that's too but well, I'll be in an abusive relationship. 0:04:32.720 --> 0:04:39.039 And I called the number seven nine nine safe. It's 0:04:39.120 --> 0:04:43.200 time for everyone to allow for their voices to be heard. 0:04:43.960 --> 0:04:46.599 And they talked to me. I'm in the room, My 0:04:46.920 --> 0:04:49.440 children are in the living room. John is at work, 0:04:49.839 --> 0:04:51.919 and they say, well, we'd like for you to come in. 0:04:52.000 --> 0:04:55.240 I say, nope, not coming in. They said, well, we 0:04:55.279 --> 0:04:57.320 really need to get you help. Nope. I just wanted 0:04:57.360 --> 0:05:01.960 to call to make sure at I'm seeing what I'm 0:05:02.000 --> 0:05:05.440 seeing and I need to come to terms with that, 0:05:05.560 --> 0:05:09.200 and then I'll call you back. I never called them back, 0:05:10.800 --> 0:05:14.279 but at that point, that's when I knew, because I 0:05:14.360 --> 0:05:16.520 just thought it was a part of a relationship, you know, 0:05:16.640 --> 0:05:20.039 that's how relationships are. I didn't grow up in an 0:05:20.080 --> 0:05:23.039 abusive home, so I didn't know that I was in 0:05:23.040 --> 0:05:26.600 an abusive relationship until I saw that commercial, and they 0:05:26.600 --> 0:05:30.240 don't even have p essays anymore. They don't not even 0:05:30.279 --> 0:05:33.320 in the month of October, which is Domestic Holenesce Awareness month, 0:05:33.320 --> 0:05:37.280 they're no PSAs on TV. So that's when I knew 0:05:39.240 --> 0:05:42.600 most people don't really know that they're in abusive relationships. 0:05:43.440 --> 0:05:47.039 Eighty percent of victims do not have physical scars to 0:05:47.240 --> 0:05:52.839 prove that they are victims, although do I choose to 0:05:52.920 --> 0:05:58.680 concentrate on the eighty percent, the verbal, the psychological, the spiritual, 0:05:59.360 --> 0:06:03.760 the stock game, and it is my mission to shift 0:06:03.920 --> 0:06:09.159 the thinking of society to understand that you do not 0:06:09.480 --> 0:06:13.080 have to have physical scars to be a victim or 0:06:13.160 --> 0:06:17.240 a survivor of domestic violence. And because this is a 0:06:17.279 --> 0:06:22.560 worldwide epidemic, the person that you're sitting next to could 0:06:22.640 --> 0:06:26.960 be a victim or a survivor. It is how you 0:06:27.200 --> 0:06:31.839 have responded to this person as to rather or not 0:06:32.680 --> 0:06:37.039 they will confide in you and ask you for help. 0:06:39.279 --> 0:06:45.919 Before I left John, he came over and said we 0:06:46.000 --> 0:06:50.000 need to talk. My brother was there, so I felt 0:06:50.360 --> 0:06:57.800 I was safe. We're going to garage, so he says, 0:06:59.160 --> 0:07:03.040 you are not going to raise my children by yourself. 0:07:03.640 --> 0:07:07.159 You have become my enemy, and as my enemy, I 0:07:07.200 --> 0:07:12.360 will kill you. He charges at me. I ran around 0:07:12.520 --> 0:07:17.360 him into the house where my brother was and he 0:07:17.480 --> 0:07:20.119 leaves and I tell my brother, I said, John's gonna 0:07:20.240 --> 0:07:23.120 kill me. He's gonna kill me. He said, girl, John, 0:07:23.160 --> 0:07:27.239 I gonna kill you. I never went to my brother 0:07:27.240 --> 0:07:31.840 again for help because he didn't believe me. And a 0:07:31.960 --> 0:07:36.560 victim does not have time to clarify to the people 0:07:36.600 --> 0:07:41.040 who she's going to for help how dangerous the situation is. 0:07:43.440 --> 0:07:45.720 He was hiding from everybody else, but I was the 0:07:45.720 --> 0:07:48.200 one that got to see it all. So when I 0:07:48.280 --> 0:07:50.040 go to people and say, you know, John is treating 0:07:50.080 --> 0:07:51.480 me is such and such a way. He's doing this 0:07:51.560 --> 0:07:54.200 to me, Well, that's not to John. I know, of 0:07:54.240 --> 0:07:59.240 course it's not. I tell victims of domestic violence be 0:07:59.320 --> 0:08:02.360 careful who you talk to, du to touch tests, touch tests. 0:08:02.800 --> 0:08:05.840 Tony Johnson is not treating me, right, I mean, he 0:08:06.080 --> 0:08:10.160 is humiliating me and making me feel that I shouldn't 0:08:10.200 --> 0:08:14.440 even be here. And depending on his response is how 0:08:14.600 --> 0:08:18.600 I will either continue to talk to him or never 0:08:19.200 --> 0:08:22.240 speak to him again, because he is gonna put my 0:08:22.320 --> 0:08:25.200 life in jeopardy. He's gonna go back and tell him, hey, man, 0:08:25.240 --> 0:08:31.080 you know Milda came in. Damn So no, that's the 0:08:31.120 --> 0:08:37.240 touch tests. When he took the children, I stopped eating. 0:08:38.520 --> 0:08:42.120 I was eating. I have a slice of bread and 0:08:42.160 --> 0:08:47.240 crushed ice. That was it, just enough to sustain me. 0:08:48.200 --> 0:08:50.760 I was signing for a package from my mom or 0:08:50.760 --> 0:08:54.320 Mother's Day and I passed out. Get to the hospital 0:08:54.880 --> 0:08:58.600 and I had to have a blood transfusion. Two people 0:08:58.640 --> 0:09:03.040 knew I was in hospital. My phone rings and it's John. 0:09:04.640 --> 0:09:08.560 He had people watching the house and he says, how 0:09:08.679 --> 0:09:14.640 you doing how? I said, I'm good. He said how's mom? 0:09:14.720 --> 0:09:16.920 I said she's fine. I say, why won't you let 0:09:16.920 --> 0:09:19.320 the children call me? He said, we don't always get 0:09:19.320 --> 0:09:22.880 what we want, do we. So there's a dialogue that 0:09:22.960 --> 0:09:26.640 goes on between the victim and the abuser, and only 0:09:26.720 --> 0:09:30.280 those two people know what that means. He had already 0:09:30.320 --> 0:09:34.440 said you have become my enemy, and as my enemy, 0:09:34.559 --> 0:09:38.000 I will kill you. So I had two choices. I 0:09:38.040 --> 0:09:43.600 could go back to him and die, or I could 0:09:43.640 --> 0:09:49.080 hang up the phone and never see my children again. 0:09:50.960 --> 0:09:56.240 And I hung up the phone. I let out a scream. 0:09:56.280 --> 0:10:01.880 The nurses came. My mother call the hospital. Shortly thereafter, 0:10:02.800 --> 0:10:06.960 and told them that John just called her and said 0:10:07.040 --> 0:10:10.920 he was on his way to the hospital to kill 0:10:11.000 --> 0:10:15.560 her daughter. So they moved me from one room to another, 0:10:16.640 --> 0:10:21.960 posted a guard outside my door, took my name off 0:10:22.000 --> 0:10:27.360 of the register and stated that anybody who was coming 0:10:27.440 --> 0:10:30.800 up to see me needed to send up their I 0:10:30.960 --> 0:10:36.520 d to identify rather or not it was John. A 0:10:36.600 --> 0:10:39.800 social worker came and said, you can't go back home. 0:10:40.640 --> 0:10:44.600 I said, well, my mom is at home. Said we'll 0:10:44.640 --> 0:10:46.680 take care of your mom, but we have to disconnect 0:10:46.720 --> 0:10:50.720 from everybody that you know, because we have to put 0:10:50.800 --> 0:10:54.199 you in hiding so that John will not find and 0:10:54.320 --> 0:10:58.640 kill you. So they waited till it got dark, took 0:10:58.679 --> 0:11:01.800 me out of the back door of the hospital. They 0:11:01.880 --> 0:11:04.959 told me I needed to slouch down in the car 0:11:05.280 --> 0:11:07.520 so no one could see that I was in the car. 0:11:07.760 --> 0:11:10.600 But I watched the rooftops and I was watching the 0:11:10.679 --> 0:11:13.800 open windows because I knew it was gonna be a 0:11:13.840 --> 0:11:16.480 head shot, just as sure as I'm sitting here talking 0:11:16.520 --> 0:11:19.400 to you, I knew it was gonna be a head shot. 0:11:20.920 --> 0:11:25.439 I go into the shelter and the staff person said, Miller, 0:11:25.480 --> 0:11:27.520 you're in luck. You get your own room, like I 0:11:27.559 --> 0:11:30.720 want to be in a shelter. So we go upstairs 0:11:30.760 --> 0:11:34.559 and I'm sitting on the bed and I'm thinking, how 0:11:34.600 --> 0:11:40.359 did I get here? Married for twelve years, three children, 0:11:41.000 --> 0:11:45.679 a business, I'm a businesswoman, taking care of my mom, 0:11:45.760 --> 0:11:52.240 and I'm in a shelter. When a victim is still 0:11:52.600 --> 0:11:59.520 emotionally attached to her abuser, she or he, they are 0:11:59.600 --> 0:12:05.920 more concerned with what the abuser thinks instead of what 0:12:06.000 --> 0:12:09.560 they need to do to get away. Because even in 0:12:09.600 --> 0:12:15.160 the shelter, I was watching a commercial about a family 0:12:15.960 --> 0:12:20.959 and the husband, and that's when it clicked that John 0:12:20.960 --> 0:12:25.280 didn't love me. That's when it clicked. That's crazy. And 0:12:25.800 --> 0:12:29.120 that's when I had to swallow that pill. And he 0:12:29.160 --> 0:12:34.520 didn't love me. After all of that, that was the 0:12:34.640 --> 0:12:39.319 moment in the shelter, in the shelter, watching TV and 0:12:39.640 --> 0:12:44.560 don't love me? The light came on, so to speak. 0:12:45.360 --> 0:12:48.199 Was there anything in the commercial that triggered that? It 0:12:48.360 --> 0:12:55.040 was a family setting and it just clicked just but 0:12:55.160 --> 0:12:58.400 once I swallowed that pill, it was only like popcorn. 0:13:12.760 --> 0:13:15.640 What knowledge did your children have of the difficulty you 0:13:15.640 --> 0:13:18.400 guys were having in your relationship? Were they're aware of it? 0:13:19.600 --> 0:13:26.120 Children are always aware of a couple's issues. As much 0:13:26.200 --> 0:13:31.520 as we try to keep things from them, they know. 0:13:33.080 --> 0:13:38.120 September two thousand one, I gained custody of my children. 0:13:39.640 --> 0:13:44.960 We are trying to put our lives together. I did 0:13:45.120 --> 0:13:51.280 not interrogate them to inform me of what happened. We 0:13:51.480 --> 0:13:56.880 would watch TV and they would recognize, say An Island, 0:13:57.760 --> 0:14:04.000 and my daughter said, Mom, we were in Antiga. Really yeah, 0:14:04.080 --> 0:14:07.720 that was a lady that we stayed with. And she 0:14:07.960 --> 0:14:11.800 asked us why were we there? And I told her 0:14:11.920 --> 0:14:15.240 that my daddy took us from you, and then she 0:14:15.360 --> 0:14:20.960 told us we needed to leave. I say, really, m okay, 0:14:21.040 --> 0:14:25.640 anything else you want to share? Nope, that's it. The 0:14:25.720 --> 0:14:29.880 person that I had the most issues with was my son. 0:14:31.120 --> 0:14:35.560 Out of all three of them, I knew that John 0:14:35.720 --> 0:14:39.840 would turn him against me. He was jealous of our 0:14:39.880 --> 0:14:45.720 relationship and he wanted to break him from being so 0:14:46.320 --> 0:14:51.640 attached and sensitive towards me. So I would ask him 0:14:51.680 --> 0:14:54.360 to take out the trash and he would jump ab 0:14:54.360 --> 0:14:57.840 off the sofa and come right in my face. You 0:14:57.880 --> 0:15:01.480 don't tell me what the dude? Boy, you need to 0:15:01.800 --> 0:15:06.120 back up. Don't you know I'm from Louisiana. Do you 0:15:06.160 --> 0:15:08.480 know we don't take this type of disrespect you know what. 0:15:08.600 --> 0:15:12.160 Let me just take a pause and walk away from you. 0:15:13.320 --> 0:15:14.880 And so the girl said, John, why are you so 0:15:14.960 --> 0:15:17.440 disrespectful to mommy? You know you shouldn't be treating her 0:15:17.480 --> 0:15:20.560 like that. And I said, again, take out the trash. 0:15:21.320 --> 0:15:25.600 He took it out reluctantly, but he did. So. I'm 0:15:25.640 --> 0:15:30.720 sitting on the sofa journaling because journaling is therapeutic for me. Actually, 0:15:30.720 --> 0:15:32.920 I journal because I had no one else to talk to. 0:15:33.080 --> 0:15:36.760 People were judging me, victim blaming, telling me that everything 0:15:36.880 --> 0:15:42.000 was my fault. And John walks up and he says, 0:15:42.720 --> 0:15:45.920 you want to know what Dad said about you. I said, yeah, 0:15:45.920 --> 0:15:51.040 I do. He said, okay. Dad said you didn't want me. 0:15:52.080 --> 0:15:56.520 Dad said you love the girls more than me. Dad 0:15:56.680 --> 0:16:01.040 said you wanted him to take us because you wanted 0:16:01.080 --> 0:16:05.360 to live the rest of your life without us. Say 0:16:05.400 --> 0:16:08.280 anything else? He said, yeah, he said a lot of things. 0:16:08.360 --> 0:16:10.280 I said, well, tell me the rest of you. No, 0:16:10.480 --> 0:16:12.240 I don't want to hurt your feelings. I say, I'm 0:16:12.280 --> 0:16:15.000 a big girl, I can take it. Say no, mom, 0:16:15.160 --> 0:16:17.760 I said, okay, this is what I want you to do. 0:16:18.560 --> 0:16:24.120 I want you to compare what your dad said to 0:16:24.280 --> 0:16:29.600 what I do. If you find that I am doing 0:16:29.920 --> 0:16:34.520 something negative that He said to you, I want you 0:16:34.600 --> 0:16:37.440 to talk to me. I want you to tell me 0:16:37.480 --> 0:16:40.640 about it so that we can talk about it. You 0:16:40.680 --> 0:16:43.680 need to know why I do the things I do, 0:16:44.000 --> 0:16:47.760 and then you can come up with your own interpretation. 0:16:48.560 --> 0:16:51.160 Because the only way we're going to get through this 0:16:51.840 --> 0:16:55.440 is with the truth. And I will tell you the 0:16:55.480 --> 0:16:59.760 truth even if it makes me look bad. But that's 0:16:59.840 --> 0:17:02.720 the only way we're going to get through this as 0:17:02.760 --> 0:17:07.359 a family and be stronger afterwards. Can you promise me 0:17:07.400 --> 0:17:09.720 you'll do that? He said, yes, ma'am, I can do that. 0:17:09.760 --> 0:17:12.240 I said, And by the way, what can I do? 0:17:13.040 --> 0:17:15.840 He said, Mommy, if you could just spend time with 0:17:15.880 --> 0:17:18.920 me and talk to me, I think that will help. 0:17:19.840 --> 0:17:22.320 I said, when do you want to get started? Can 0:17:22.400 --> 0:17:26.639 we start today? Absolutely, Let's go for a walk and talk. 0:17:27.760 --> 0:17:31.840 And I had to tell him what happened. I used 0:17:31.960 --> 0:17:36.080 age appropriate language he was a lovin to describe to 0:17:36.240 --> 0:17:41.639 him what happened and how we got to the point 0:17:42.080 --> 0:17:47.040 where we were. I'm thinking about possible issues. I don't 0:17:47.040 --> 0:17:51.000 know how many of these were present. I'm thinking about 0:17:52.160 --> 0:18:00.440 little John having questions issues surrounding maybe betrayal, abandonment. They 0:18:00.480 --> 0:18:04.040 all had abandonment issues. I would go to work and 0:18:04.800 --> 0:18:06.720 I told them I would be back at five o'clock. 0:18:07.200 --> 0:18:09.960 I didn't show up until five fifteen. Opened the door. 0:18:10.000 --> 0:18:13.960 They were hysterical. I said, okay, let me give myself 0:18:14.000 --> 0:18:17.000 some room. So I told them I will be home 0:18:17.160 --> 0:18:22.000 between five thirty and five forty five, and I showed 0:18:22.040 --> 0:18:24.959 them on the clock what that looks like. But I 0:18:25.040 --> 0:18:28.080 always made sure I came home at about five fifteen 0:18:28.200 --> 0:18:33.200 five twenty to give them a routine. After we got 0:18:33.280 --> 0:18:35.159 all of that cleared up, then there were no more 0:18:35.200 --> 0:18:40.679 abandonment issues. I didn't find out about the conditions in 0:18:40.800 --> 0:18:46.080 Antiqua until years later. I went to the Virgin Islands 0:18:46.960 --> 0:18:51.560 for a speaking engagement. One of the ladies was explaining 0:18:51.680 --> 0:18:57.000 to me the conditions in Antiqua is as if you 0:18:57.240 --> 0:19:01.919 went back a hundred years and I lost it, you know, 0:19:02.000 --> 0:19:07.879 speaking engagement. I'm glad I was finished speaking because I 0:19:07.880 --> 0:19:12.360 I was a mess. It took everything to hold myself 0:19:12.400 --> 0:19:16.520 together until I got home. And when I got home, 0:19:17.400 --> 0:19:20.760 my son came home and he said, Mom, this is 0:19:20.800 --> 0:19:23.840 what I want to tell you. They had to wipe 0:19:23.880 --> 0:19:27.879 themselves with leaves to use the bathroom. They had to 0:19:28.040 --> 0:19:32.080 carry painter buckets of water with worms in it back 0:19:32.119 --> 0:19:34.920 to wherever they were living and put a sheet up 0:19:36.119 --> 0:19:41.240 so that they could bathe. He said, Mom, we almost 0:19:41.280 --> 0:19:45.800 lost hope, and that just stabbed me in my heart 0:19:45.840 --> 0:19:49.080 when he said that, And I said, Honey, I'm just 0:19:49.359 --> 0:19:52.560 so sorry you went through that. I did not bring 0:19:52.600 --> 0:19:56.159 you in this world to suffer. And I've lost you, 0:19:56.200 --> 0:19:59.960 guys for eighteen months, and that's eighteen months I can't 0:20:00.040 --> 0:20:05.000 get back. But I hope that since I've had you back, 0:20:05.480 --> 0:20:11.040 that I have done everything that I possibly can do 0:20:11.480 --> 0:20:16.440 to make you feel like your home. And he said, Mom, 0:20:16.520 --> 0:20:19.040 you did that. You went over and above. We know 0:20:19.240 --> 0:20:24.679 everything you've done, and you've done a great job. You 0:20:24.800 --> 0:20:30.160 taught us that we have to go through our emotional breakthroughs, 0:20:30.760 --> 0:20:34.399 and we're gonna give you time to do that. Just 0:20:34.720 --> 0:20:38.480 go through this process, go through this crime, and then 0:20:38.600 --> 0:20:41.120 once you're done with it, then we can keep going. 0:20:43.080 --> 0:20:46.240 When you speak, when you look out into the audience, 0:20:46.240 --> 0:20:51.080 describe what you see. I see individuals who have taken 0:20:51.119 --> 0:20:55.440 the time to come and hear my story, but also 0:20:56.040 --> 0:20:59.720 there are victims in the audience that are looking for 0:21:00.960 --> 0:21:06.760 something that would help them leave strategically without being hurt 0:21:06.920 --> 0:21:12.960 or killed, because up to seventy of women who try 0:21:13.080 --> 0:21:17.240 to leave an abusive relationship or either hurt or killed. 0:21:17.920 --> 0:21:21.200 Share some of your your knowledge on how do women leave? 0:21:21.960 --> 0:21:27.160 Everybody has a different way. Some leave abruptly, some plan, 0:21:28.080 --> 0:21:32.520 some stay. I saw instead that it takes women in 0:21:32.880 --> 0:21:37.560 abusive relationships up to seven attempts to ultimately leave for good. 0:21:37.760 --> 0:21:40.760 That is correct, but that speaks to how difficult it 0:21:40.800 --> 0:21:44.280 is to leave. It does the short answer. The long 0:21:44.400 --> 0:21:47.280 answer is it wouldn't take me seven times to leave 0:21:47.359 --> 0:21:50.719 if I had support. It wouldn't take me seven times 0:21:50.720 --> 0:21:54.040 to leave if people didn't blame me for the abuse 0:21:54.119 --> 0:21:57.520 that I'm in. So I have to not only handle 0:21:57.560 --> 0:22:02.720 the abuse that I am in with my boyfriend or husband, 0:22:03.160 --> 0:22:06.840 but I also have to deal with his family who's 0:22:06.880 --> 0:22:09.679 coming after me, telling me not to report him or 0:22:09.760 --> 0:22:12.400 turn him over to the police. I have to look 0:22:12.440 --> 0:22:14.800 at my friends who are telling me that I'm stupid 0:22:14.800 --> 0:22:17.919 and I should get out, but nobody's offering me a 0:22:18.040 --> 0:22:21.720 way out. Nobody asked me what I want to do. 0:22:21.920 --> 0:22:25.360 You're too busy telling me what to do. But if 0:22:25.359 --> 0:22:27.840 you was in my shoes, what would you do so? 0:22:27.920 --> 0:22:31.480 Don't give me medicine you won't take. Is there a 0:22:31.560 --> 0:22:34.480 story that you've heard or that comes to mind that 0:22:34.600 --> 0:22:40.960 demonstrates for you the key differences between violent abuse stories 0:22:41.000 --> 0:22:44.600 that we hear a lot about and verbal abuse stories 0:22:44.800 --> 0:22:47.760 that we don't pay as much attention to. I'll give 0:22:47.840 --> 0:22:52.119 you the case of Rihanna and Chris Brown. When it 0:22:52.200 --> 0:22:55.000 first came to light of the abuse, we only had 0:22:55.040 --> 0:22:59.639 her word. She told how he was hurting her. What 0:22:59.800 --> 0:23:04.919 do we do? We praise the abuser and we silenced 0:23:05.000 --> 0:23:08.080 the victim. Why would you do that to Chris? He's 0:23:08.119 --> 0:23:11.160 a good man. Why are you saying these things about him? 0:23:11.400 --> 0:23:13.800 Then they started to bring up her past and how 0:23:13.920 --> 0:23:18.200 terrible of a person she was until those pictures hit 0:23:18.400 --> 0:23:25.119 the news and then it flipped. He lost endorsements. People 0:23:25.160 --> 0:23:28.399 couldn't understand why he would do this to her, and 0:23:28.720 --> 0:23:35.040 whatever she did, it shouldn't worry that. When it came out, 0:23:35.280 --> 0:23:41.199 my first instinct was, she's calling out for help, but 0:23:41.400 --> 0:23:47.000 no one is listening. When the pictures came out, everybody listened. 0:23:47.800 --> 0:23:51.840 Why does it take a picture for you to understand? 0:23:52.920 --> 0:23:57.399 So what I would say to victims and survivors in 0:23:57.520 --> 0:24:02.920 the eight percent who do not have physical scars. Document document, 0:24:03.160 --> 0:24:07.600 document time and date. Write it down as soon as 0:24:07.600 --> 0:24:10.720 it's fresh in your mind. If there are people there 0:24:10.720 --> 0:24:15.360 to witness, ask them to write affidavits so that you 0:24:15.400 --> 0:24:19.399 can help the police by building your case, because the 0:24:19.440 --> 0:24:22.840 police only goes off of evidence, and if you have 0:24:23.080 --> 0:24:26.800 it written down, then you are actually building your case, 0:24:26.880 --> 0:24:30.919 which is evident that you are in an abusive relationship 0:24:31.040 --> 0:24:34.000 and you need help. And it goes the same way 0:24:34.000 --> 0:24:39.920 for men. Men, You know, y'all just summarize stuff because 0:24:40.000 --> 0:24:42.680 you feel you don't want to get the woman in trouble, 0:24:43.520 --> 0:24:46.600 and it's not until your backs are against the wall 0:24:47.040 --> 0:24:53.480 that you start to explain the physical assaults that you're 0:24:53.560 --> 0:24:59.120 going through. Mom. Dad passed when I was nine from 0:24:59.119 --> 0:25:03.119 a domestic violent situation, not with my mom, but with 0:25:03.200 --> 0:25:08.159 another woman. What happened my mom and dad were separated 0:25:08.720 --> 0:25:12.080 and he had decided to come back to my mom. 0:25:12.320 --> 0:25:16.320 The woman who he was with said no, and she 0:25:16.440 --> 0:25:20.280 waited until he was asleep. She pad locked the doors 0:25:20.320 --> 0:25:23.760 and the windows and set the house on fire. You're 0:25:23.800 --> 0:25:27.080 telling me your dad was killed and a domestic violence 0:25:27.960 --> 0:25:31.760 murdered in a domestic violence situation, when I was nine 0:25:31.800 --> 0:25:34.880 years old. I found this out when I was twenty one. 0:25:35.240 --> 0:25:38.120 I went to my cousin's funeral. While we were at 0:25:38.160 --> 0:25:42.080 the repass, there was some men playing cards and I 0:25:42.160 --> 0:25:44.920 heard them call my dad's name, and so I went 0:25:44.920 --> 0:25:47.520 over by the doorway, you know, just to listen. And 0:25:47.560 --> 0:25:52.359 they said, you can hear him screaming from miles and 0:25:52.480 --> 0:25:56.399 no one could get close to the house because it 0:25:56.600 --> 0:25:59.879 was too hot, and so they waited until the Friday 0:26:00.000 --> 0:26:03.480 harmon came to put the fire out. I say, Mom, 0:26:03.600 --> 0:26:05.760 you told us he died in the Navy, that he 0:26:05.880 --> 0:26:09.880 died on a ship. That's why they had his casket 0:26:09.960 --> 0:26:13.639 draped with the flag. She said, well, he wasn't a military. 0:26:14.080 --> 0:26:16.320 They gave him the flag because that's what they do 0:26:16.440 --> 0:26:19.160 with soldiers. But I was waiting for you to get 0:26:19.160 --> 0:26:23.520 old enough to tell you. But that's how my dad died. 0:26:39.160 --> 0:26:41.399 How do you know what are the warning signs that 0:26:41.440 --> 0:26:45.679 you're in an abusive relationship and that it's not some 0:26:46.240 --> 0:26:50.440 quote unquote tough love. Love is not tough. There are 0:26:50.480 --> 0:26:54.440 many signs to domestic abuse and violence. And I could 0:26:54.440 --> 0:26:56.600 go over the signs and you can look them up 0:26:56.680 --> 0:26:59.760 on the computer. But I'm a say it like this. 0:27:00.880 --> 0:27:05.040 It really depends on your tolerance for pain. It really 0:27:05.080 --> 0:27:08.920 depends on how you grew up. If you grew up 0:27:08.920 --> 0:27:13.040 in a household where you witness your father or your 0:27:13.080 --> 0:27:17.480 mother abusing the other parent, then your tolerance for pain 0:27:17.640 --> 0:27:21.439 is high, and so it wouldn't be much of a 0:27:21.520 --> 0:27:25.879 surprise if someone yelled at you, if someone tried to 0:27:25.920 --> 0:27:29.760 restrict you, or something to that nature. There are many 0:27:29.840 --> 0:27:34.880 men who grew up in an abusive home, and there 0:27:34.920 --> 0:27:40.479 are many men who choose not to abuse when they 0:27:40.600 --> 0:27:43.960 are in relationships. So that tells you right, there is 0:27:44.000 --> 0:27:49.359 a choice. You are making a conscious decision to control 0:27:49.480 --> 0:27:54.600 a life you did not create. So the question is 0:27:55.119 --> 0:27:59.960 why do you feel entitled to control someone else's lie 0:28:00.000 --> 0:28:05.200 life when you don't have control of your own. Disappointments 0:28:05.240 --> 0:28:08.879 and frustrations are dealt with in different ways, but if 0:28:09.000 --> 0:28:15.160 you were not taught how to handle your frustrations and disappointments, 0:28:15.200 --> 0:28:19.560 then you will blame other people for bad decisions that 0:28:19.720 --> 0:28:25.520 you've made instead of holding yourself accountable for your own actions. 0:28:26.520 --> 0:28:30.280 Can you explain from your work with other victims and 0:28:30.320 --> 0:28:35.520 survivors the control dynamic in abusive relationships? Well, it's the 0:28:35.560 --> 0:28:39.200 honeymoon cycle. You know, I love you. Then you do 0:28:39.360 --> 0:28:43.080