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Speaker 1: Welcome to Monster DC Sniper, a production of I Heart

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Speaker 1: Radio and Tenderfoot TV. The views and opinions expressed in

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Speaker 1: this podcast are solely those of the podcast author or

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Speaker 1: individuals participating in the podcast, and do not represent those

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Speaker 1: of I Heart Media, Tenderfoot TV, or their employees. Listener

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Speaker 1: discretion is advised. Mill Dad, you let me know when

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Speaker 1: we're rolling and Hi, lady, Hi, I know it won't

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Speaker 1: be easy. Um, what won't be easy talking about some

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Speaker 1: of this stuff? Easy? Yeah? Really, it may not be

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Speaker 1: easy for you to hear it. For you? Is that

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Speaker 1: because you're processed it? I'm done? What does that mean?

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Speaker 1: You're done? It means I do not have any emotional

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Speaker 1: charge to this story. You may have one, Other people

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Speaker 1: may have one, but I don't. How long do you

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Speaker 1: expect me to hold onto that kind of pain? It's

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Speaker 1: been two thousand two, We're in two thousand nineteen. I

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Speaker 1: still supposed to be crying, and I'm still supposed to

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Speaker 1: feel some type of emotions towards him. Some people think

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Speaker 1: I'm still supposed to love him and forgive him. No,

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Speaker 1: I'm not supposed to do that. That's your interpretation of

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Speaker 1: what I'm supposed to do, and I have my interpretation

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Speaker 1: of what I will do. I get to choose that.

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Speaker 1: So the idea that I would think that this might

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Speaker 1: be painful as a projection, exactly, it's an assumption. You're

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Speaker 1: basing your assumption on other people's or your own perspective

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Speaker 1: of how you feel I should be with this story.

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Speaker 1: That's not my reality, that's yours. So we're a minute

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Speaker 1: in and she's already dropped the mic. She's already well,

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Speaker 1: thank you for that, no problem, thank you for that.

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Speaker 1: I'm Tony Harris the special episode of Monster DC Sniper.

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Speaker 1: I'm proud to present our interview with Mildred Mohammed. Mildred

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Speaker 1: is a domestic violence awareness advocate and the ex wife

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Speaker 1: of John Mohammed. John kidnapped her children, threatened her life,

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Speaker 1: and many believe the DC Sniper attacks were part of

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Speaker 1: a plan to disguise her eventual murder. This interview covers

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Speaker 1: topics we couldn't fit into the series. If you haven't

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Speaker 1: listened to the whole season yet, it might be a

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Speaker 1: good idea to finish the show first. All right, back

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Speaker 1: to the interview, So could I have you a state

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Speaker 1: your name and your professional speaker's title. I am Mildred Mohammed.

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Speaker 1: I'm an award winning global keynote speaker. I'm a certified

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Speaker 1: consultant with the Office on Victims of Crime, as certified

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Speaker 1: Personal and Professional development coach. And my former husband was

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Speaker 1: John Ala Mohammed, whom you all know to be the

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Speaker 1: DC Sniper. I was laying on the sofa and I

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Speaker 1: was having this dream about women calling me asking me

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Speaker 1: for help, and they were just all around me, and

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Speaker 1: I fell off the sofa and I went to my children.

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Speaker 1: I said, look, I got to help other women, and

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Speaker 1: the only way I can do that is to share

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Speaker 1: my story and yours about your dad. And I need

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Speaker 1: your permission to do that. And they say, Mom, you

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Speaker 1: do what you need to do. Just tell the truth.

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Speaker 1: Just tell the truth. And so that's when I went

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Speaker 1: to the library. I got a book on how to

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Speaker 1: become a professional speaker. Decided to have the Lowest Flower

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Speaker 1: as my logo because it was a flower that came

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Speaker 1: out of the darkness into the light. I looked up

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Speaker 1: domestic violence conferences on Google. I found two, contacted them

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Speaker 1: and I was able to land those two engagements, and

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Speaker 1: I've been speaking ever since. When did you realize for

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Speaker 1: yourself that you were in an abusive relationship. I was

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Speaker 1: watching TV in Washington State and that was a p

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Speaker 1: s A. I understand that coming out of a domestic

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Speaker 1: violence relationship is not And it was a woman speaking

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Speaker 1: and she told of all of the signs associated with

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Speaker 1: domestic violence and as she's going through up. Okay, that's wine. Okay,

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Speaker 1: that's too but well, I'll be in an abusive relationship.

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Speaker 1: And I called the number seven nine nine safe. It's

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Speaker 1: time for everyone to allow for their voices to be heard.

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Speaker 1: And they talked to me. I'm in the room, My

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Speaker 1: children are in the living room. John is at work,

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Speaker 1: and they say, well, we'd like for you to come in.

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Speaker 1: I say, nope, not coming in. They said, well, we

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Speaker 1: really need to get you help. Nope. I just wanted

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Speaker 1: to call to make sure at I'm seeing what I'm

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Speaker 1: seeing and I need to come to terms with that,

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Speaker 1: and then I'll call you back. I never called them back,

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Speaker 1: but at that point, that's when I knew, because I

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Speaker 1: just thought it was a part of a relationship, you know,

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Speaker 1: that's how relationships are. I didn't grow up in an

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Speaker 1: abusive home, so I didn't know that I was in

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Speaker 1: an abusive relationship until I saw that commercial, and they

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Speaker 1: don't even have p essays anymore. They don't not even

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Speaker 1: in the month of October, which is Domestic Holenesce Awareness month,

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Speaker 1: they're no PSAs on TV. So that's when I knew

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Speaker 1: most people don't really know that they're in abusive relationships.

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Speaker 1: Eighty percent of victims do not have physical scars to

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Speaker 1: prove that they are victims, although do I choose to

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Speaker 1: concentrate on the eighty percent, the verbal, the psychological, the spiritual,

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Speaker 1: the stock game, and it is my mission to shift

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Speaker 1: the thinking of society to understand that you do not

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Speaker 1: have to have physical scars to be a victim or

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Speaker 1: a survivor of domestic violence. And because this is a

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Speaker 1: worldwide epidemic, the person that you're sitting next to could

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Speaker 1: be a victim or a survivor. It is how you

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Speaker 1: have responded to this person as to rather or not

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Speaker 1: they will confide in you and ask you for help.

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Speaker 1: Before I left John, he came over and said we

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Speaker 1: need to talk. My brother was there, so I felt

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Speaker 1: I was safe. We're going to garage, so he says,

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Speaker 1: you are not going to raise my children by yourself.

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Speaker 1: You have become my enemy, and as my enemy, I

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Speaker 1: will kill you. He charges at me. I ran around

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Speaker 1: him into the house where my brother was and he

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Speaker 1: leaves and I tell my brother, I said, John's gonna

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Speaker 1: kill me. He's gonna kill me. He said, girl, John,

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Speaker 1: I gonna kill you. I never went to my brother

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Speaker 1: again for help because he didn't believe me. And a

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Speaker 1: victim does not have time to clarify to the people

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Speaker 1: who she's going to for help how dangerous the situation is.

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Speaker 1: He was hiding from everybody else, but I was the

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Speaker 1: one that got to see it all. So when I

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Speaker 1: go to people and say, you know, John is treating

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Speaker 1: me is such and such a way. He's doing this

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Speaker 1: to me, Well, that's not to John. I know, of

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Speaker 1: course it's not. I tell victims of domestic violence be

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Speaker 1: careful who you talk to, du to touch tests, touch tests.

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Speaker 1: Tony Johnson is not treating me, right, I mean, he

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Speaker 1: is humiliating me and making me feel that I shouldn't

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Speaker 1: even be here. And depending on his response is how

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Speaker 1: I will either continue to talk to him or never

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Speaker 1: speak to him again, because he is gonna put my

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Speaker 1: life in jeopardy. He's gonna go back and tell him, hey, man,

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Speaker 1: you know Milda came in. Damn So no, that's the

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Speaker 1: touch tests. When he took the children, I stopped eating.

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Speaker 1: I was eating. I have a slice of bread and

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Speaker 1: crushed ice. That was it, just enough to sustain me.

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Speaker 1: I was signing for a package from my mom or

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Speaker 1: Mother's Day and I passed out. Get to the hospital

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Speaker 1: and I had to have a blood transfusion. Two people

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Speaker 1: knew I was in hospital. My phone rings and it's John.

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Speaker 1: He had people watching the house and he says, how

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Speaker 1: you doing how? I said, I'm good. He said how's mom?

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Speaker 1: I said she's fine. I say, why won't you let

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Speaker 1: the children call me? He said, we don't always get

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Speaker 1: what we want, do we. So there's a dialogue that

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Speaker 1: goes on between the victim and the abuser, and only

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Speaker 1: those two people know what that means. He had already

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Speaker 1: said you have become my enemy, and as my enemy,

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Speaker 1: I will kill you. So I had two choices. I

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Speaker 1: could go back to him and die, or I could

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Speaker 1: hang up the phone and never see my children again.

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Speaker 1: And I hung up the phone. I let out a scream.

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Speaker 1: The nurses came. My mother call the hospital. Shortly thereafter,

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Speaker 1: and told them that John just called her and said

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Speaker 1: he was on his way to the hospital to kill

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Speaker 1: her daughter. So they moved me from one room to another,

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Speaker 1: posted a guard outside my door, took my name off

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Speaker 1: of the register and stated that anybody who was coming

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Speaker 1: up to see me needed to send up their I

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Speaker 1: d to identify rather or not it was John. A

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Speaker 1: social worker came and said, you can't go back home.

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Speaker 1: I said, well, my mom is at home. Said we'll

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Speaker 1: take care of your mom, but we have to disconnect

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Speaker 1: from everybody that you know, because we have to put

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Speaker 1: you in hiding so that John will not find and

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Speaker 1: kill you. So they waited till it got dark, took

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Speaker 1: me out of the back door of the hospital. They

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Speaker 1: told me I needed to slouch down in the car

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Speaker 1: so no one could see that I was in the car.

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Speaker 1: But I watched the rooftops and I was watching the

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Speaker 1: open windows because I knew it was gonna be a

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Speaker 1: head shot, just as sure as I'm sitting here talking

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Speaker 1: to you, I knew it was gonna be a head shot.

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Speaker 1: I go into the shelter and the staff person said, Miller,

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Speaker 1: you're in luck. You get your own room, like I

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Speaker 1: want to be in a shelter. So we go upstairs

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Speaker 1: and I'm sitting on the bed and I'm thinking, how

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Speaker 1: did I get here? Married for twelve years, three children,

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Speaker 1: a business, I'm a businesswoman, taking care of my mom,

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Speaker 1: and I'm in a shelter. When a victim is still

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Speaker 1: emotionally attached to her abuser, she or he, they are

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Speaker 1: more concerned with what the abuser thinks instead of what

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Speaker 1: they need to do to get away. Because even in

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Speaker 1: the shelter, I was watching a commercial about a family

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Speaker 1: and the husband, and that's when it clicked that John

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Speaker 1: didn't love me. That's when it clicked. That's crazy. And

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Speaker 1: that's when I had to swallow that pill. And he

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Speaker 1: didn't love me. After all of that, that was the

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Speaker 1: moment in the shelter, in the shelter, watching TV and

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Speaker 1: don't love me? The light came on, so to speak.

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Speaker 1: Was there anything in the commercial that triggered that? It

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Speaker 1: was a family setting and it just clicked just but

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Speaker 1: once I swallowed that pill, it was only like popcorn.

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Speaker 1: What knowledge did your children have of the difficulty you

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Speaker 1: guys were having in your relationship? Were they're aware of it?

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Speaker 1: Children are always aware of a couple's issues. As much

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Speaker 1: as we try to keep things from them, they know.

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Speaker 1: September two thousand one, I gained custody of my children.

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Speaker 1: We are trying to put our lives together. I did

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Speaker 1: not interrogate them to inform me of what happened. We

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Speaker 1: would watch TV and they would recognize, say An Island,

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Speaker 1: and my daughter said, Mom, we were in Antiga. Really yeah,

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Speaker 1: that was a lady that we stayed with. And she

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Speaker 1: asked us why were we there? And I told her

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Speaker 1: that my daddy took us from you, and then she

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Speaker 1: told us we needed to leave. I say, really, m okay,

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Speaker 1: anything else you want to share? Nope, that's it. The

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Speaker 1: person that I had the most issues with was my son.

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Speaker 1: Out of all three of them, I knew that John

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Speaker 1: would turn him against me. He was jealous of our

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Speaker 1: relationship and he wanted to break him from being so

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Speaker 1: attached and sensitive towards me. So I would ask him

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Speaker 1: to take out the trash and he would jump ab

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Speaker 1: off the sofa and come right in my face. You

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Speaker 1: don't tell me what the dude? Boy, you need to

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Speaker 1: back up. Don't you know I'm from Louisiana. Do you

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Speaker 1: know we don't take this type of disrespect you know what.

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Speaker 1: Let me just take a pause and walk away from you.

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Speaker 1: And so the girl said, John, why are you so

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Speaker 1: disrespectful to mommy? You know you shouldn't be treating her

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Speaker 1: like that. And I said, again, take out the trash.

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Speaker 1: He took it out reluctantly, but he did. So. I'm

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Speaker 1: sitting on the sofa journaling because journaling is therapeutic for me. Actually,

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Speaker 1: I journal because I had no one else to talk to.

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Speaker 1: People were judging me, victim blaming, telling me that everything

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Speaker 1: was my fault. And John walks up and he says,

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Speaker 1: you want to know what Dad said about you. I said, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I do. He said, okay. Dad said you didn't want me.

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Speaker 1: Dad said you love the girls more than me. Dad

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Speaker 1: said you wanted him to take us because you wanted

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Speaker 1: to live the rest of your life without us. Say

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Speaker 1: anything else? He said, yeah, he said a lot of things.

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Speaker 1: I said, well, tell me the rest of you. No,

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Speaker 1: I don't want to hurt your feelings. I say, I'm

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Speaker 1: a big girl, I can take it. Say no, mom,

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Speaker 1: I said, okay, this is what I want you to do.

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Speaker 1: I want you to compare what your dad said to

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Speaker 1: what I do. If you find that I am doing

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Speaker 1: something negative that He said to you, I want you

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Speaker 1: to talk to me. I want you to tell me

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Speaker 1: about it so that we can talk about it. You

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Speaker 1: need to know why I do the things I do,

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Speaker 1: and then you can come up with your own interpretation.

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Speaker 1: Because the only way we're going to get through this

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Speaker 1: is with the truth. And I will tell you the

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Speaker 1: truth even if it makes me look bad. But that's

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Speaker 1: the only way we're going to get through this as

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Speaker 1: a family and be stronger afterwards. Can you promise me

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Speaker 1: you'll do that? He said, yes, ma'am, I can do that.

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Speaker 1: I said, And by the way, what can I do?

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Speaker 1: He said, Mommy, if you could just spend time with

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Speaker 1: me and talk to me, I think that will help.

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Speaker 1: I said, when do you want to get started? Can

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Speaker 1: we start today? Absolutely, Let's go for a walk and talk.

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Speaker 1: And I had to tell him what happened. I used

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Speaker 1: age appropriate language he was a lovin to describe to

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Speaker 1: him what happened and how we got to the point

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Speaker 1: where we were. I'm thinking about possible issues. I don't

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Speaker 1: know how many of these were present. I'm thinking about

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Speaker 1: little John having questions issues surrounding maybe betrayal, abandonment. They

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Speaker 1: all had abandonment issues. I would go to work and

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Speaker 1: I told them I would be back at five o'clock.

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Speaker 1: I didn't show up until five fifteen. Opened the door.

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Speaker 1: They were hysterical. I said, okay, let me give myself

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Speaker 1: some room. So I told them I will be home

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Speaker 1: between five thirty and five forty five, and I showed

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Speaker 1: them on the clock what that looks like. But I

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Speaker 1: always made sure I came home at about five fifteen

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Speaker 1: five twenty to give them a routine. After we got

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Speaker 1: all of that cleared up, then there were no more

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Speaker 1: abandonment issues. I didn't find out about the conditions in

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Speaker 1: Antiqua until years later. I went to the Virgin Islands

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Speaker 1: for a speaking engagement. One of the ladies was explaining

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Speaker 1: to me the conditions in Antiqua is as if you

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Speaker 1: went back a hundred years and I lost it, you know,

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Speaker 1: speaking engagement. I'm glad I was finished speaking because I

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Speaker 1: I was a mess. It took everything to hold myself

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Speaker 1: together until I got home. And when I got home,

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Speaker 1: my son came home and he said, Mom, this is

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Speaker 1: what I want to tell you. They had to wipe

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Speaker 1: themselves with leaves to use the bathroom. They had to

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Speaker 1: carry painter buckets of water with worms in it back

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Speaker 1: to wherever they were living and put a sheet up

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Speaker 1: so that they could bathe. He said, Mom, we almost

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Speaker 1: lost hope, and that just stabbed me in my heart

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Speaker 1: when he said that, And I said, Honey, I'm just

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Speaker 1: so sorry you went through that. I did not bring

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Speaker 1: you in this world to suffer. And I've lost you,

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Speaker 1: guys for eighteen months, and that's eighteen months I can't

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Speaker 1: get back. But I hope that since I've had you back,

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Speaker 1: that I have done everything that I possibly can do

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Speaker 1: to make you feel like your home. And he said, Mom,

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Speaker 1: you did that. You went over and above. We know

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Speaker 1: everything you've done, and you've done a great job. You

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00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:30,160
Speaker 1: taught us that we have to go through our emotional breakthroughs,

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00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:34,399
Speaker 1: and we're gonna give you time to do that. Just

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00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:38,480
Speaker 1: go through this process, go through this crime, and then

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00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:41,120
Speaker 1: once you're done with it, then we can keep going.

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Speaker 1: When you speak, when you look out into the audience,

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00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:51,080
Speaker 1: describe what you see. I see individuals who have taken

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00:20:51,119 --> 00:20:55,440
Speaker 1: the time to come and hear my story, but also

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00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:59,720
Speaker 1: there are victims in the audience that are looking for

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00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:06,760
Speaker 1: something that would help them leave strategically without being hurt

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Speaker 1: or killed, because up to seventy of women who try

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Speaker 1: to leave an abusive relationship or either hurt or killed.

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Speaker 1: Share some of your your knowledge on how do women leave?

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Speaker 1: Everybody has a different way. Some leave abruptly, some plan,

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Speaker 1: some stay. I saw instead that it takes women in

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Speaker 1: abusive relationships up to seven attempts to ultimately leave for good.

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Speaker 1: That is correct, but that speaks to how difficult it

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Speaker 1: is to leave. It does the short answer. The long

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00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:47,280
Speaker 1: answer is it wouldn't take me seven times to leave

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Speaker 1: if I had support. It wouldn't take me seven times

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Speaker 1: to leave if people didn't blame me for the abuse

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Speaker 1: that I'm in. So I have to not only handle

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Speaker 1: the abuse that I am in with my boyfriend or husband,

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00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:06,840
Speaker 1: but I also have to deal with his family who's

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Speaker 1: coming after me, telling me not to report him or

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Speaker 1: turn him over to the police. I have to look

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Speaker 1: at my friends who are telling me that I'm stupid

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Speaker 1: and I should get out, but nobody's offering me a

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Speaker 1: way out. Nobody asked me what I want to do.

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Speaker 1: You're too busy telling me what to do. But if

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Speaker 1: you was in my shoes, what would you do so?

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Speaker 1: Don't give me medicine you won't take. Is there a

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Speaker 1: story that you've heard or that comes to mind that

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00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:40,960
Speaker 1: demonstrates for you the key differences between violent abuse stories

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00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:44,600
Speaker 1: that we hear a lot about and verbal abuse stories

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00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:47,760
Speaker 1: that we don't pay as much attention to. I'll give

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00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:52,119
Speaker 1: you the case of Rihanna and Chris Brown. When it

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00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:55,000
Speaker 1: first came to light of the abuse, we only had

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00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:59,639
Speaker 1: her word. She told how he was hurting her. What

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00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:04,919
Speaker 1: do we do? We praise the abuser and we silenced

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Speaker 1: the victim. Why would you do that to Chris? He's

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00:23:08,119 --> 00:23:11,160
Speaker 1: a good man. Why are you saying these things about him?

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Speaker 1: Then they started to bring up her past and how

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00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:18,200
Speaker 1: terrible of a person she was until those pictures hit

330
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:25,119
Speaker 1: the news and then it flipped. He lost endorsements. People

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00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:28,399
Speaker 1: couldn't understand why he would do this to her, and

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00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:35,040
Speaker 1: whatever she did, it shouldn't worry that. When it came out,

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00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:41,199
Speaker 1: my first instinct was, she's calling out for help, but

334
00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:47,000
Speaker 1: no one is listening. When the pictures came out, everybody listened.

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00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:51,840
Speaker 1: Why does it take a picture for you to understand?

336
00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:57,399
Speaker 1: So what I would say to victims and survivors in

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00:23:57,520 --> 00:24:02,920
Speaker 1: the eight percent who do not have physical scars. Document document,

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00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:07,600
Speaker 1: document time and date. Write it down as soon as

339
00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:10,720
Speaker 1: it's fresh in your mind. If there are people there

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00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:15,360
Speaker 1: to witness, ask them to write affidavits so that you

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00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:19,399
Speaker 1: can help the police by building your case, because the

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00:24:19,440 --> 00:24:22,840
Speaker 1: police only goes off of evidence, and if you have

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00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:26,800
Speaker 1: it written down, then you are actually building your case,

344
00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:30,919
Speaker 1: which is evident that you are in an abusive relationship

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00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:34,000
Speaker 1: and you need help. And it goes the same way

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Speaker 1: for men. Men, You know, y'all just summarize stuff because

347
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:42,680
Speaker 1: you feel you don't want to get the woman in trouble,

348
00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:46,600
Speaker 1: and it's not until your backs are against the wall

349
00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:53,480
Speaker 1: that you start to explain the physical assaults that you're

350
00:24:53,560 --> 00:24:59,120
Speaker 1: going through. Mom. Dad passed when I was nine from

351
00:24:59,119 --> 00:25:03,119
Speaker 1: a domestic violent situation, not with my mom, but with

352
00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:08,159
Speaker 1: another woman. What happened my mom and dad were separated

353
00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:12,080
Speaker 1: and he had decided to come back to my mom.

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00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:16,320
Speaker 1: The woman who he was with said no, and she

355
00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:20,280
Speaker 1: waited until he was asleep. She pad locked the doors

356
00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:23,760
Speaker 1: and the windows and set the house on fire. You're

357
00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:27,080
Speaker 1: telling me your dad was killed and a domestic violence

358
00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:31,760
Speaker 1: murdered in a domestic violence situation, when I was nine

359
00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:34,880
Speaker 1: years old. I found this out when I was twenty one.

360
00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:38,120
Speaker 1: I went to my cousin's funeral. While we were at

361
00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:42,080
Speaker 1: the repass, there was some men playing cards and I

362
00:25:42,160 --> 00:25:44,920
Speaker 1: heard them call my dad's name, and so I went

363
00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:47,520
Speaker 1: over by the doorway, you know, just to listen. And

364
00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:52,359
Speaker 1: they said, you can hear him screaming from miles and

365
00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:56,399
Speaker 1: no one could get close to the house because it

366
00:25:56,600 --> 00:25:59,879
Speaker 1: was too hot, and so they waited until the Friday

367
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:03,480
Speaker 1: harmon came to put the fire out. I say, Mom,

368
00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:05,760
Speaker 1: you told us he died in the Navy, that he

369
00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:09,880
Speaker 1: died on a ship. That's why they had his casket

370
00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:13,639
Speaker 1: draped with the flag. She said, well, he wasn't a military.

371
00:26:14,080 --> 00:26:16,320
Speaker 1: They gave him the flag because that's what they do

372
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:19,160
Speaker 1: with soldiers. But I was waiting for you to get

373
00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:23,520
Speaker 1: old enough to tell you. But that's how my dad died.

374
00:26:39,160 --> 00:26:41,399
Speaker 1: How do you know what are the warning signs that

375
00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:45,679
Speaker 1: you're in an abusive relationship and that it's not some

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00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:50,440
Speaker 1: quote unquote tough love. Love is not tough. There are

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00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:54,440
Speaker 1: many signs to domestic abuse and violence. And I could

378
00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:56,600
Speaker 1: go over the signs and you can look them up

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00:26:56,680 --> 00:26:59,760
Speaker 1: on the computer. But I'm a say it like this.

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00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:05,040
Speaker 1: It really depends on your tolerance for pain. It really

381
00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:08,920
Speaker 1: depends on how you grew up. If you grew up

382
00:27:08,920 --> 00:27:13,040
Speaker 1: in a household where you witness your father or your

383
00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:17,480
Speaker 1: mother abusing the other parent, then your tolerance for pain

384
00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:21,439
Speaker 1: is high, and so it wouldn't be much of a

385
00:27:21,520 --> 00:27:25,879
Speaker 1: surprise if someone yelled at you, if someone tried to

386
00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:29,760
Speaker 1: restrict you, or something to that nature. There are many

387
00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:34,880
Speaker 1: men who grew up in an abusive home, and there

388
00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:40,479
Speaker 1: are many men who choose not to abuse when they

389
00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:43,960
Speaker 1: are in relationships. So that tells you right, there is

390
00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:49,359
Speaker 1: a choice. You are making a conscious decision to control

391
00:27:49,480 --> 00:27:54,600
Speaker 1: a life you did not create. So the question is

392
00:27:55,119 --> 00:27:59,960
Speaker 1: why do you feel entitled to control someone else's lie

393
00:28:00,000 --> 00:28:05,200
Speaker 1: life when you don't have control of your own. Disappointments

394
00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:08,879
Speaker 1: and frustrations are dealt with in different ways, but if

395
00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:15,160
Speaker 1: you were not taught how to handle your frustrations and disappointments,

396
00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:19,560
Speaker 1: then you will blame other people for bad decisions that

397
00:28:19,720 --> 00:28:25,520
Speaker 1: you've made instead of holding yourself accountable for your own actions.

398
00:28:26,520 --> 00:28:30,280
Speaker 1: Can you explain from your work with other victims and

399
00:28:30,320 --> 00:28:35,520
Speaker 1: survivors the control dynamic in abusive relationships? Well, it's the

400
00:28:35,560 --> 00:28:39,200
Speaker 1: honeymoon cycle. You know, I love you. Then you do

401
00:28:39,360 --> 00:28:43,080
Speaker 1: something too to make me hurt you. I'll call you

402
00:28:43,120 --> 00:28:47,120
Speaker 1: out your name, I'll even physically assault you. Then I

403
00:28:47,240 --> 00:28:49,280
Speaker 1: look at you and go, oh my god, I'm so sorry.

404
00:28:49,280 --> 00:28:51,520
Speaker 1: I'll never do this again. I go by flowers, or

405
00:28:51,520 --> 00:28:55,560
Speaker 1: I go get your favorite perfume or whatever, until you

406
00:28:55,600 --> 00:28:58,640
Speaker 1: do something again and then I beat you again. I

407
00:28:58,800 --> 00:29:03,120
Speaker 1: never hold myself responsible for beating you. It's always your fault.

408
00:29:03,720 --> 00:29:07,200
Speaker 1: It's always your fault. If you wouldn't have done that,

409
00:29:07,240 --> 00:29:08,760
Speaker 1: then I wouldn't have had to do see what you

410
00:29:08,840 --> 00:29:12,120
Speaker 1: made me do. No, that's a choice you made. Why

411
00:29:12,600 --> 00:29:17,480
Speaker 1: is control required by these abusers? It must speak to

412
00:29:18,080 --> 00:29:23,080
Speaker 1: lack within themselves. Absolutely, it's lack within themselves. They're insecure

413
00:29:24,040 --> 00:29:27,600
Speaker 1: about their own life. Again, it goes back to the

414
00:29:27,720 --> 00:29:31,120
Speaker 1: childhood and how you were raised in your home. If

415
00:29:31,160 --> 00:29:35,360
Speaker 1: you didn't have anybody to talk to to understand your

416
00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:39,320
Speaker 1: emotions and how you process those emotions, and you're watching

417
00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:43,000
Speaker 1: TV instead of having a sit down talk with an

418
00:29:43,040 --> 00:29:47,640
Speaker 1: actual person in order to understand why am I feeling

419
00:29:47,640 --> 00:29:50,640
Speaker 1: this way? It's got to be a reason, absolutely, as

420
00:29:50,680 --> 00:29:54,960
Speaker 1: a reason. So we have to understand the emotions that

421
00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:58,600
Speaker 1: are coming up or lessons that we need to learn

422
00:29:59,240 --> 00:30:03,360
Speaker 1: for ourse elves and understanding how to handle them. You

423
00:30:03,440 --> 00:30:05,480
Speaker 1: may not know yourself how to do that, but go

424
00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:08,480
Speaker 1: to a friend that you trust to help you to

425
00:30:08,560 --> 00:30:13,880
Speaker 1: process those emotions. When you finish your talks, describe for

426
00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:16,400
Speaker 1: me what are you thinking. What you hope people get

427
00:30:16,520 --> 00:30:21,760
Speaker 1: from your discussion of these issues. I never cry on stage.

428
00:30:21,880 --> 00:30:26,440
Speaker 1: I never cry at a presentation. If there's a victim

429
00:30:26,440 --> 00:30:30,600
Speaker 1: in the audience that's coming to see me, for me

430
00:30:30,680 --> 00:30:34,760
Speaker 1: to cry on stage tells them that they will never

431
00:30:34,840 --> 00:30:39,080
Speaker 1: get out. They look at me hoping I will say

432
00:30:39,160 --> 00:30:43,480
Speaker 1: something that will help them not only to get out,

433
00:30:43,600 --> 00:30:47,320
Speaker 1: but they can be strong, they can be strategic, they

434
00:30:47,360 --> 00:30:51,520
Speaker 1: can put the tools in place and become healed like me.

435
00:30:53,000 --> 00:30:57,920
Speaker 1: Crying tells them I'm not healed. Crying doesn't give them hope.

436
00:30:58,520 --> 00:31:00,560
Speaker 1: Some people say, well, you know it's okay to cry

437
00:31:00,600 --> 00:31:03,760
Speaker 1: to show people how you feel, not at that moment.

438
00:31:04,840 --> 00:31:09,160
Speaker 1: Not at that moment. When you're done, go crying in

439
00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:12,680
Speaker 1: your room, But don't cry in front of an audience

440
00:31:12,760 --> 00:31:18,240
Speaker 1: that's looking to you for hope, for empowerment, and for

441
00:31:18,280 --> 00:31:21,960
Speaker 1: the ability to know that once I get out of this,

442
00:31:23,080 --> 00:31:26,640
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be just like that, and I'm going to

443
00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:29,800
Speaker 1: share my story and I'm gonna be strong and help

444
00:31:29,840 --> 00:31:34,200
Speaker 1: other people. Is there a question that you get more

445
00:31:34,320 --> 00:31:39,040
Speaker 1: often than any other after I share my story? Mostly

446
00:31:39,080 --> 00:31:41,560
Speaker 1: what I get is I'm so glad you're still alive.

447
00:31:42,560 --> 00:31:45,600
Speaker 1: I'm so happy that I drove so many miles to

448
00:31:45,640 --> 00:31:51,040
Speaker 1: see you. I'm so glad that you're here. I remember

449
00:31:51,080 --> 00:31:54,840
Speaker 1: one when I was speaking in three different locations in Virginia,

450
00:31:55,200 --> 00:31:57,560
Speaker 1: and it was this one woman that was at all

451
00:31:57,680 --> 00:32:02,520
Speaker 1: three locations and I saw her and she came up

452
00:32:02,560 --> 00:32:04,920
Speaker 1: to me and she said, hey, Miss Mohammed. I said, hey,

453
00:32:04,960 --> 00:32:07,400
Speaker 1: how you doing. She say, you know, I've been to

454
00:32:07,600 --> 00:32:10,480
Speaker 1: all three of your presentations in Virginia. I said, yeah,

455
00:32:10,520 --> 00:32:15,320
Speaker 1: you're my little stalker. Huh. She said Ms. Mohammedan, You're right,

456
00:32:15,560 --> 00:32:18,480
Speaker 1: but I just had to hear you say this one

457
00:32:19,680 --> 00:32:23,160
Speaker 1: statement because I never heard that before. I said, well,

458
00:32:23,200 --> 00:32:27,920
Speaker 1: what was that said? I never heard anybody say that

459
00:32:28,000 --> 00:32:32,280
Speaker 1: you don't have to have physical scars? Ms Mohammed. I

460
00:32:32,360 --> 00:32:36,920
Speaker 1: have been in an abusive relationship for seventeen years and

461
00:32:37,000 --> 00:32:42,440
Speaker 1: he never hit me. I'm the breadwinner. He stays at home,

462
00:32:42,520 --> 00:32:47,240
Speaker 1: and he terrorizes me and my children. The first time

463
00:32:47,280 --> 00:32:52,000
Speaker 1: you said that, I went home and I looked forward everywhere,

464
00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:54,560
Speaker 1: and I couldn't find it on the internet where anybody

465
00:32:54,600 --> 00:32:57,040
Speaker 1: else said that. So I had to make sure that

466
00:32:57,840 --> 00:33:01,440
Speaker 1: I heard what you said. So I went to your

467
00:33:01,480 --> 00:33:04,640
Speaker 1: second session and you said it again, but this time

468
00:33:05,360 --> 00:33:09,959
Speaker 1: I applied what you said when you told us you

469
00:33:10,080 --> 00:33:12,880
Speaker 1: may not realize you're in an abusive relationship. So go

470
00:33:13,000 --> 00:33:15,600
Speaker 1: home and get a sheet of paper, draw a line

471
00:33:15,640 --> 00:33:19,720
Speaker 1: down the middle, pros and cons. Right, so you write

472
00:33:19,720 --> 00:33:22,560
Speaker 1: down the pros, you write down the cons. But when

473
00:33:22,640 --> 00:33:26,160
Speaker 1: you write them down, you don't make excuses like he

474
00:33:26,280 --> 00:33:29,840
Speaker 1: hit me because ABC and D. No, he hit me,

475
00:33:30,240 --> 00:33:35,840
Speaker 1: and your only evaluating the relationship and not the individual

476
00:33:35,960 --> 00:33:40,440
Speaker 1: because we change every day. Right, So she said, I

477
00:33:40,480 --> 00:33:42,840
Speaker 1: went home and I did that, and like you said,

478
00:33:42,920 --> 00:33:45,800
Speaker 1: if the pros outweigh the cons, then we can work

479
00:33:45,840 --> 00:33:49,920
Speaker 1: on the relationship. But ms mohammed, the cons outweigh the pros.

480
00:33:50,640 --> 00:33:53,600
Speaker 1: So that man, I needed to make a decision. But

481
00:33:53,720 --> 00:33:56,640
Speaker 1: I just had to hear you said one more time

482
00:33:57,720 --> 00:34:01,800
Speaker 1: before I made that decision. And when you said it again,

483
00:34:02,040 --> 00:34:05,480
Speaker 1: I knew I had to leave, and so I left

484
00:34:05,520 --> 00:34:08,880
Speaker 1: miss Mohammed, and guess what, me and my children we

485
00:34:08,960 --> 00:34:13,520
Speaker 1: are happy. And I would never have left if I

486
00:34:13,560 --> 00:34:17,440
Speaker 1: didn't hear you say you don't have to have physical scars.

487
00:34:18,000 --> 00:34:21,200
Speaker 1: What does hearing something like that do for you? That

488
00:34:21,320 --> 00:34:27,239
Speaker 1: makes me feel that what I started to do its

489
00:34:27,360 --> 00:34:31,319
Speaker 1: working because it's my mission to shift the thinking. And

490
00:34:31,400 --> 00:34:35,279
Speaker 1: I shifted her thinking so that she can take a

491
00:34:35,480 --> 00:34:41,959
Speaker 1: comprehensive look at her relationship and then strategize on how

492
00:34:42,120 --> 00:34:47,800
Speaker 1: to effectively leave. And that's what she did. I want

493
00:34:47,800 --> 00:34:49,719
Speaker 1: you to dig in a little bit more on that

494
00:34:50,000 --> 00:34:53,080
Speaker 1: sheet of paper concept and what you're writing. So can

495
00:34:53,120 --> 00:34:55,920
Speaker 1: you talk about that bit of guidance again? What you

496
00:34:56,000 --> 00:34:59,000
Speaker 1: tell people to go home and do again? You may

497
00:34:59,040 --> 00:35:02,640
Speaker 1: not know that you are in an abusive relationship. So

498
00:35:02,760 --> 00:35:05,360
Speaker 1: get a sheet of paper, draw a line down the middle.

499
00:35:05,680 --> 00:35:08,840
Speaker 1: Pros on one side, cons on the other. Pros and

500
00:35:08,880 --> 00:35:12,840
Speaker 1: cons of the relationship, of the relationship only not of

501
00:35:12,920 --> 00:35:16,960
Speaker 1: the person. Okay, because we all have flaws, we all

502
00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:20,880
Speaker 1: come with bags. We just choose the person who's willing

503
00:35:20,960 --> 00:35:24,600
Speaker 1: to deal with the stuff that's in my bag. So

504
00:35:24,960 --> 00:35:27,840
Speaker 1: you got the pros and the cons on the paper.

505
00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:31,120
Speaker 1: The next thing you need to do is separate your

506
00:35:31,239 --> 00:35:36,160
Speaker 1: emotions from the actual facts. Just like Judge Judy, she says,

507
00:35:36,239 --> 00:35:38,279
Speaker 1: what all I want are the facts. I don't want

508
00:35:38,320 --> 00:35:40,480
Speaker 1: no emotions. You want to be emotional, go talk to

509
00:35:40,560 --> 00:35:44,680
Speaker 1: Dr Phield. So we only want the facts because the

510
00:35:44,880 --> 00:35:49,000
Speaker 1: facts will help you to see who you dealing with.

511
00:35:50,040 --> 00:35:53,080
Speaker 1: A pro could be he put gas in the car

512
00:35:53,360 --> 00:35:56,160
Speaker 1: because the tank was empty. No, he put gas in

513
00:35:56,200 --> 00:35:59,880
Speaker 1: the car. It doesn't matter the reason. There's no except

514
00:36:00,000 --> 00:36:02,360
Speaker 1: in no condition he put gas in a car. A

515
00:36:02,520 --> 00:36:06,279
Speaker 1: con would be he disconnected my phone because he didn't

516
00:36:06,280 --> 00:36:08,080
Speaker 1: want me on the house phone. No, no, no, he

517
00:36:08,320 --> 00:36:12,799
Speaker 1: disconnected the phone, simple as that. So once you come

518
00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:17,120
Speaker 1: to the end of that, if the pros outweigh the cons,

519
00:36:17,480 --> 00:36:22,839
Speaker 1: the relationship is worth analyzing and saving, and you have

520
00:36:22,960 --> 00:36:27,160
Speaker 1: to create a new normal. You can't go back to

521
00:36:27,320 --> 00:36:31,919
Speaker 1: what it was. You have to start fresh. If the

522
00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:36,160
Speaker 1: cons outweigh the pros, you really have a decision to make.

523
00:36:36,640 --> 00:36:39,400
Speaker 1: Are you gonna stay in a relationship. A lot of

524
00:36:39,400 --> 00:36:41,840
Speaker 1: people don't leave because they got a lot to lose.

525
00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:45,399
Speaker 1: Or I helped to build that house, I put money

526
00:36:45,400 --> 00:36:48,239
Speaker 1: in that account to I'm not having another person to

527
00:36:48,280 --> 00:36:50,040
Speaker 1: come in here and enjoy the fruits of my labor.

528
00:36:50,080 --> 00:36:53,200
Speaker 1: I mean, all of that stuff goes on. So that's

529
00:36:53,200 --> 00:36:55,920
Speaker 1: a decision you have to make, and the decision is

530
00:36:55,960 --> 00:37:01,359
Speaker 1: completely yours. You don't need outside people telling you what

531
00:37:01,400 --> 00:37:04,880
Speaker 1: to do. Nobody's living your life for you but you.

532
00:37:06,040 --> 00:37:10,120
Speaker 1: But make sure it's a decision that you can live with.

533
00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:18,760
Speaker 1: If you suspect you or someone you know is experiencing

534
00:37:18,800 --> 00:37:23,320
Speaker 1: domestic violence, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline A

535
00:37:24,520 --> 00:37:30,640
Speaker 1: seven two three three, or go to the hotline dot org.

536
00:37:31,400 --> 00:37:36,439
Speaker 1: Once again, that's the hotline dot org. Remember you are

537
00:37:36,480 --> 00:37:42,840
Speaker 1: not alone because domestic violence reports are on the rise.

538
00:37:43,400 --> 00:37:47,680
Speaker 1: Mildred Mohammed also recently released an e book called Being

539
00:37:47,719 --> 00:37:52,719
Speaker 1: Abused while Teleworking during COVID nineteen. You can find it online.

540
00:37:54,719 --> 00:37:57,839
Speaker 1: That's it for this bonus episode of Monster. We'll be

541
00:37:57,880 --> 00:38:01,640
Speaker 1: back soon with another bonus episode, an interview with John

542
00:38:01,640 --> 00:38:05,799
Speaker 1: and Mildred's daughters, Taliba and Selena. Subscribe to make sure

543
00:38:05,800 --> 00:38:09,080
Speaker 1: you don't miss it. When you're coming from a position

544
00:38:09,080 --> 00:38:12,680
Speaker 1: of being nine years old and all you've known is

545
00:38:12,880 --> 00:38:15,200
Speaker 1: my dad adds this type of way because I'm a

546
00:38:15,320 --> 00:38:18,960
Speaker 1: child that when you see him on TV, it's like, well,

547
00:38:19,320 --> 00:38:22,400
Speaker 1: I don't know what they're talking about because my dad

548
00:38:22,800 --> 00:38:26,799
Speaker 1: was consistent, consistent, consistent of right and was doing all

549
00:38:26,800 --> 00:38:28,319
Speaker 1: of the things that he was supposed to be doing