Speaker 1: Hi, I'm Chelsea Handler. Welcome to Life Will Be the
Speaker 1: Death of Me, a production of I Heart Radio. Welcome
Speaker 1: to our podcast this week, Brandon. Hello. Uh So, this
Speaker 1: week's episode is of our shows in Chicago. Had two
Speaker 1: shows in Chicago with Shawn Hey, so we split it,
Speaker 1: I think, into two episodes, right yeah, spek the next week. Okay,
Speaker 1: So this week's episode, I do a reading which will
Speaker 1: play for you next week of one of my chapters.
Speaker 1: And Sean comes out and immediately starts attacking me for that,
Speaker 1: So you can listen to that. Right now, I'm going
Speaker 1: to bring out a very special guest, a native of Chicago.
Speaker 1: He's been on the show Will and Grace for sixty
Speaker 1: seven years and his name is Sean Hayes. Come on out, Hi, everybody,
Speaker 1: how are you? Thank you? Happen all? Remember when Oprah
Speaker 1: would come out you take a seat, Pixie? That was
Speaker 1: so condescending, wasn't it to her audience? ChIL You only
Speaker 1: literally only have ten pages left in the book. Nobody
Speaker 1: has to buy it. What a fucking asshole, Sean and
Speaker 1: I I wanted at first, before you start with whatever
Speaker 1: questions you haven't prepared, I want to talk about believe me.
Speaker 1: I just learned how to read. But I did an
Speaker 1: episode of Will and Grace with Sean Uma see Take
Speaker 1: a Seat where I played a lesbian power couple with
Speaker 1: my best friend Mary typecasting. I am, I would be
Speaker 1: a great lesbian. What do you mean? Would I would?
Speaker 1: I can't, but I would. If I were to do that,
Speaker 1: I would kill it. I'm sure I've done it until
Speaker 1: it was my turn, and then I quite no. Thanks,
Speaker 1: not into going down on your beaver, not into it,
Speaker 1: and that is why I'm gay. Ah. Anyway, we met
Speaker 1: on Will and Grace and listen, but we met before that.
Speaker 1: But but I don't remember that we met on a
Speaker 1: game show, right, didn't we do some charity games before that? Something? Yeah,
Speaker 1: quite an impression. I remember saying. I remember saying something
Speaker 1: to you the first time I met you, and I
Speaker 1: was like, oh, hey, something about being gay. And You're like,
Speaker 1: I'm not gay, and I was like, oh, yeah you are.
Speaker 1: When did I say that? You said I'm not are?
Speaker 1: You were being funny but I didn't know that, and
Speaker 1: I was like, you're not. You go I'm not out,
Speaker 1: and I go, yeah you are? Oh that was were
Speaker 1: not out? Yes, I was totally out, but I was
Speaker 1: not out. That's a different interview. It's very boring story.
Speaker 1: All right, Happy, you want to minimize your gayness, you
Speaker 1: go ahead and do that. Well, one of us has to,
Speaker 1: so Sean. I met him on the on Will and Grace,
Speaker 1: which is a like a television show. It's a television show.
Speaker 1: A lot of you won't know about it. But it
Speaker 1: was here for a while, then it went away, and
Speaker 1: then it came back and it's still here. Yea, and
Speaker 1: thank you, and I had but you were so stupid,
Speaker 1: it's so dumb. Wait, you were so good on the show,
Speaker 1: and she didn't want me to come out and say
Speaker 1: how great you are. You were still great, and you
Speaker 1: were really scared, and you were nervous, nervous as fun.
Speaker 1: And I don't get nervous, because I mean I do,
Speaker 1: but I I like to make up my own words,
Speaker 1: not a script. So when I got the script, I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: this is a guidelining. Yeah. I was like, oh this
Speaker 1: is a guideline. I'll paraphrase this, and they're like, no,
Speaker 1: you need to say the line. I'm like, I don't
Speaker 1: know it, and they're like, fucking learn it. I was,
Speaker 1: and I was like, oh, I hadn't been talked to
Speaker 1: like that in a long time, so I was like oh.
Speaker 1: And then I'm in my room like memorizing my lines.
Speaker 1: It was simple lines like no, and I'd be in
Speaker 1: the mirror going no, and Mary's like no, not like that,
Speaker 1: like no, but you've acted a billion times before that.
Speaker 1: I don't know. It's just too much of a well
Speaker 1: oiled machine. You guys were so in gear and I
Speaker 1: was out of my element. And Mary is a professional.
Speaker 1: I like to wing ship and that usually works for me.
Speaker 1: I like improv and like you know, and that was
Speaker 1: not the right space for me because everyone is so
Speaker 1: tight and and they know what they're doing that I
Speaker 1: stuck out like a sore thumb. And I hope I
Speaker 1: never see any of those people again. Yeah, I lovely,
Speaker 1: hope you come back on. We're good. We're good, We
Speaker 1: got it. I said to him. I go how badly
Speaker 1: at my embarrassing And once we did the taping, I
Speaker 1: was fined by the end of the week because I
Speaker 1: had to be um. But the rehearsals all week long,
Speaker 1: We're just getting at myself and I was like, Oh,
Speaker 1: you suck. You can't even while you were getting huge laughs.
Speaker 1: The audience just shut up. You know you were talking
Speaker 1: about me too, I know right now, Well it was
Speaker 1: a fun show. You're hilarious. But whatever, let's stop rubbing
Speaker 1: each other's assholes. I bought my phone on here just
Speaker 1: in case I get a phone call. Um, so the
Speaker 1: um can I have my phone too? Then I want?
Speaker 1: I also told Karen Karen her assistant, Karen Karen's the
Speaker 1: tour manager. Well, she looks like an assistant. She meant.
Speaker 1: I meant that. I meant the pay grade is higher.
Speaker 1: She looks like an assistant, is what I meant to say. Um,
Speaker 1: but um right, Karen, just keep talking to it. Waves
Speaker 1: to her. Now, Yes, I said you got to read
Speaker 1: this book. We're gonna do this in Chicago. He's nice
Speaker 1: enough to say he's gonna come, and we have two shows.
Speaker 1: He was nice enough to say, yea, No, that's not
Speaker 1: how this went down. You've said to me, I haven't
Speaker 1: a Marco Polo? Should I play it? Don't get your
Speaker 1: phone out? So um Chelsea says to me, um, hey,
Speaker 1: this because this is how she asks somebody to do something. Hey,
Speaker 1: I'm going to Chicago to do the thing. You're cool
Speaker 1: with going right, you're cool to come because I just
Speaker 1: I need you to come and do this, and I
Speaker 1: and I and so so I go, yeah, I mean,
Speaker 1: I don't know, I flying to I have to go
Speaker 1: to New York. I have to do this and really
Speaker 1: a fly Chicago, like I don't love to travel. But
Speaker 1: all my friends who are here tonight, both of you clap, yeah,
Speaker 1: there they are there they are. They're actually the ushers here. Um.
Speaker 1: But anyway, rock a duck a duck, A duck a duck.
Speaker 1: So it would be great if you're two friends from
Speaker 1: my school. We're both ushers here, Like I keep a
Speaker 1: touch with two people and they both happen to work
Speaker 1: at the same theater. It's so weird. But anyway, she's like,
Speaker 1: you're going, and I was like, okay, fine, i'll go.
Speaker 1: Are you paying for the trip? She said yes, I
Speaker 1: go fine, I'm totally going. And then she said, um,
Speaker 1: but you have to read the book. And I'm like,
Speaker 1: I can't read. He goes, I can't read. I can't read.
Speaker 1: I have to read your book. And let me tell
Speaker 1: you something, it is probably the best book I've ever read.
Speaker 1: Out of the three I mean, there's The Lion, the
Speaker 1: witch in the wardrobe, the given tread and and what
Speaker 1: is it called life will be the death of Me?
Speaker 1: And let me tell you it is. I'm not. I'm
Speaker 1: I'm not. I'm being totally serious that I'm not fucking
Speaker 1: did I not? Marco pulled you after every chapter and
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my god, this is amazing. We're the
Speaker 1: exact same person. This is there's so many similarities. The
Speaker 1: first thing that you read in there that you thought
Speaker 1: were the same person, well, I saw the word vodka
Speaker 1: in there. Wait, I want to say something. I want
Speaker 1: to get back to that, but I have to tell
Speaker 1: this funny Will and Grace story really quick. No, I
Speaker 1: want you to, okay, because it makes me laughing. I
Speaker 1: think it'll make you laugh because she does edibles and
Speaker 1: I used to smoke pot a lot and um and
Speaker 1: so I'm gonna get you back on the pot. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna get everybody's like pushing pot on me. I can't.
Speaker 1: It makes me crazy. It makes me crazy. Now. Um So, anyway,
Speaker 1: after we tape uh an episode. This is like when
Speaker 1: we first did the show, I would go back to
Speaker 1: Max much Nick's house, who was the creator of the show,
Speaker 1: and we would I think he's okay with me, saying
Speaker 1: we spoke a little bit and we discussed the evening,
Speaker 1: like the taping of the show. We just taped and
Speaker 1: it was fun and we'd laugh, and he just moved
Speaker 1: in this brand new house and it was unbelievable, was
Speaker 1: like super high tech, and uh, I was stoned out
Speaker 1: of my mind. And I'm sitting in the back of
Speaker 1: his like crazy Hollywood theater in his house, you know
Speaker 1: how the people have those huge theaters, and it was
Speaker 1: all brand new equipment, and he's like, let's oh, and
Speaker 1: he goes. You remember that scene and Castaway where the
Speaker 1: planes going down and Tom Hanks is in the bathroom
Speaker 1: and he gets whipped out and it's crazy and they're
Speaker 1: going down. I'm like, yeah, he goes, let's put that in.
Speaker 1: Let's just fast forward to that scene. It's incredible, right,
Speaker 1: And I'm like, yes, let's watch that. And so he
Speaker 1: goes to his big, huge, fucking you know, TV screen
Speaker 1: and he has the Castaway thing and he can't figure
Speaker 1: out how to do it because his brand new house,
Speaker 1: it's brand new equipment. And I'm way in the back
Speaker 1: of the theater like this stone onto my mind and
Speaker 1: I go is that a Sony and he goes, yeah,
Speaker 1: how did you? I go, those are the new ones
Speaker 1: their voice activated. And he's like what, And I go,
Speaker 1: is that a Sony? He goes yeah, I go, those
Speaker 1: are the new ones. I read all about them, their
Speaker 1: voice activator. You have to say the name of the
Speaker 1: movie after you put the DVD in. And he's like
Speaker 1: and he's like, what the are you talking about? I go,
Speaker 1: listen to me. I just read all about you have
Speaker 1: to say the name. And then he's like this really,
Speaker 1: I go yes. So he puts the DV in and
Speaker 1: he goes cast away, cast away like that, and I
Speaker 1: couldn't even breathe. I was laughing so hard. Okay, so
Speaker 1: let's get back to the buck. So, um tell me.
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna ask you a question. Okay, okay, were there? Yeah,
Speaker 1: Well you said the first thing, Well that that I
Speaker 1: realized we we were the same. You know that we
Speaker 1: both have there's five children and our family bilies. You
Speaker 1: you need attention, I need attention. You felt like and
Speaker 1: like an outsider your whole life as a kid. You
Speaker 1: write about that in the book That and what made
Speaker 1: you feel that way as a kid? What what were
Speaker 1: the circumstances that made you feel even though you were
Speaker 1: in a household with two parents and you talk about
Speaker 1: them a lot, saying how they weren't really present or
Speaker 1: with you, yet you felt but see, I didn't have
Speaker 1: a dad and my mom worked all the time, so
Speaker 1: my mom raised five kids better? Or was your present
Speaker 1: when she was with you? Guys? Yeah? Well, to to me,
Speaker 1: she was. She was the best mom ever. She was
Speaker 1: very loving and supportive and everything until I came out no,
Speaker 1: and then she was great. She did like a one.
Speaker 1: Uh but uh, I was like great, now I don't
Speaker 1: have a mom or dad, and then I would just
Speaker 1: cry and leave, like but so but you now, So
Speaker 1: tell me what made you feel that way, because I
Speaker 1: don't know that I would have felt that way even
Speaker 1: with two parents, but you had the parents, and yet
Speaker 1: you still felt the same as me. I felt like
Speaker 1: an outsider because my family was just not traditional and
Speaker 1: my dad was just a mess. He was a used
Speaker 1: car dealer. So there was just ship at my like
Speaker 1: our family, like it looked like Sandford and Son our house,
Speaker 1: and we lived in this kind of like upper middle
Speaker 1: class Jewish neighborhood. So everybody else's parents were like normal,
Speaker 1: and then had to your mom was Jewish and your
Speaker 1: dad my mom was Mormon. Who I thought she was
Speaker 1: Jewish until I was ten and then I was revealed
Speaker 1: to me that she was Mormon. I'm like, oh, this
Speaker 1: is great news. I was like, what's Mormon? And then
Speaker 1: they told me. I'm like, oh no, And I was like,
Speaker 1: I'll take the drado, thank you very much, you know,
Speaker 1: like Mormon scientology. It's like I felt like, yeah, definitely adjacent. Uh.
Speaker 1: I just felt like I think everyone feels out of play.
Speaker 1: So I mean, I think most people feel like they
Speaker 1: don't belong. Like you fit in sometimes in your life
Speaker 1: and other times you feel like an outsider, like a faker,
Speaker 1: like you're not real, Like people like you for the
Speaker 1: wrong reasons or they don't get you. You know, you're
Speaker 1: always kind of dipping in and out of your the
Speaker 1: right zone in life, you know what I mean. Your
Speaker 1: trains on the track sometimes and everything's vibing, and then
Speaker 1: sometimes it's off. And in my family it was off
Speaker 1: when I was born, Like I slept with my brother.
Speaker 1: My mom let me sleep on when I was a
Speaker 1: two day old baby, and she's like, oh. She always
Speaker 1: would tell the story of how my oldest brother Chet,
Speaker 1: how he slept with me on the first night I
Speaker 1: was home from the hospital, and I was like, but
Speaker 1: why why did you let a twelve year old sleep
Speaker 1: with me? And she's like, that's not the point of
Speaker 1: the story, sweetie. I'm like, I think it's the biggest
Speaker 1: point of the story. Um. And then Dan, your therapist, said,
Speaker 1: that was the first guy to break up with you
Speaker 1: at nine years old, And then you associated relationships with
Speaker 1: men being broken up with I associated all relationships, I
Speaker 1: said to Dan once, I said, why do I end
Speaker 1: relationships on a dime? I have a pattern where I
Speaker 1: people do some one thing and I'm like, you're out,
Speaker 1: get out of my life. I can't trust you, You're
Speaker 1: a liar, You're you know, cheater or whatever. And not
Speaker 1: just with men, with girlfriends, with anyone. It was black
Speaker 1: and white, and I asked him, I go, there's a
Speaker 1: common denominator here, and I'm pretty sure it's me. Like
Speaker 1: I have a ton of friends all the time, but
Speaker 1: not a ton of old friends. You know, I have some,
Speaker 1: but a lot of people go in and out of
Speaker 1: my life and I'm done with them. I'm annoyed, or
Speaker 1: I lose interest or whatever. But I'd like, it's scorched earth.
Speaker 1: And he said, because that's your first blueprint for breaking
Speaker 1: up with somebody. It's here today and gone tomorrow. And
Speaker 1: then your dad passed away and you're like, there's another
Speaker 1: guy who betrayed me. Well, he just passed away last year.
Speaker 1: But we were waiting that for that for a while. No,
Speaker 1: that was all right because he was too old. And
Speaker 1: when I started, when I was writing this book, I
Speaker 1: said to my therapist, I'm like my brothers, I'm like,
Speaker 1: everyone's every My brother died, my mother died, my dad's
Speaker 1: fully going to die this year, and like it's too
Speaker 1: much dat. We had we had dinner in October November,
Speaker 1: like literally a week or two weeks right after your
Speaker 1: dad died. And she's like, I don't know, do you guys?
Speaker 1: You know what the specials ocean by the way, my
Speaker 1: dad died. Um, I'll have the broccoli soup and like
Speaker 1: and I was like, wait, broccoli soup. I mean, what
Speaker 1: do I want to explode? Thank you? First of all,
Speaker 1: whoever who made up broccoli soup, take it back. It's
Speaker 1: like the mcribb, but like, no, thank you, I'll take
Speaker 1: two mac ribs in my brobot. What is the food
Speaker 1: we ordered? We ordered Portilla. She's never had portillo's. See you, idiot,
Speaker 1: this is good. I've always wondered this too. Have you
Speaker 1: ever had difficulty separating your public from your private self? Friendships? Uh? Friendships?
Speaker 1: What do you mean? I'm going to read it again.
Speaker 1: Have you ever had difficulties separating your public from your
Speaker 1: private self in your friendships? Moving on? I think those
Speaker 1: two things are really intertwined for me. I mean, my
Speaker 1: public persona is my real persona, Like, that's who I am.
Speaker 1: I don't put on a show. That's why I'm you know,
Speaker 1: I don't. I try not to. I try not to
Speaker 1: lie about anything. I mean, that's more advantageous for me
Speaker 1: because I don't want to get caught in a lie.
Speaker 1: You know. I don't want the press to come out
Speaker 1: and be like, oh, Chelsea was ship faced. I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm ship faced. I want to tell everyone I'm ship faced,
Speaker 1: So don't try and catch me. Okay, I gotta get
Speaker 1: ahead of it. You know what, I remember seeing you
Speaker 1: unlike TMZ and like E and stuff like that, when
Speaker 1: you would be out just like fucking telling it like
Speaker 1: it is and like how are you different now than
Speaker 1: you were? Then? Well? What I you know? Again? Learning
Speaker 1: all this stuff through this therapist was about, you know,
Speaker 1: my big, bloud personality, in this brashness that I had,
Speaker 1: because a lot of people say they've had awakenings and
Speaker 1: they don't do anything about it. So I love that.
Speaker 1: In the in the thing, you're like page one seventy two.
Speaker 1: Memorize the page number because it was so national National
Speaker 1: Autism Awareness months. So good for you. Yeah, me and
Speaker 1: uh me and Mary lou Henna are having a drink
Speaker 1: after this. And she the one who knows like dates
Speaker 1: and times and all that we do. Yeah, yeah, she's
Speaker 1: like an astrologist or something. Right, No, no she's not. No, no,
Speaker 1: Mary astrologist, you know she is. Okay, we're gonna take
Speaker 1: a quick break and we'll be right back. So you say,
Speaker 1: the question is why am I so impatient as an adult?
Speaker 1: Chelsea Handler says to her therapist. Okay, Dan says, give
Speaker 1: me an example. It's only one page, give me, it's
Speaker 1: not eight seven pages. Like, Okay, give me an example
Speaker 1: of something that happens frequently. He asked you. You said,
Speaker 1: when I can't turn on the TV in my house,
Speaker 1: so I can't get the music on. That's something that
Speaker 1: happens all the time. And then I have to call
Speaker 1: one of my assistants, right, And then, uh, what does
Speaker 1: it feel like? He says when you can't work your
Speaker 1: music right? Because I get annoyed and you're irritated, an
Speaker 1: impatient with technologynology. So you say it made me feel
Speaker 1: annoyed and he says, what's underneath that? You said more annoyance?
Speaker 1: He says, but what's the emotion under it? And you said,
Speaker 1: I don't know, anger? And he says, what does that
Speaker 1: feel like? And you said, can't you just tell me?
Speaker 1: And you see, I read that right, and then he said, uh,
Speaker 1: keep going. Are there any images that elicit the feeling?
Speaker 1: And she's like, I don't know musical notes? And he says,
Speaker 1: is there a feeling? And you said frustration? And he
Speaker 1: said because why? He said, because my intention was to
Speaker 1: listen to music and now I can't. And he says
Speaker 1: anything else and you're like stupid, useless. He says helpless
Speaker 1: and you said yes, and he says what does that
Speaker 1: feel like? And you said sad? And he said, sit
Speaker 1: with that and you said helpless and sad. I agree
Speaker 1: but then where does that anger come in? Fucking genius?
Speaker 1: He says, sad is your internal reaction which turns to anger,
Speaker 1: because anger sets you in kinetic motion, like we're talking
Speaker 1: about to avoid the sadness of sitting there and not
Speaker 1: listening to music and knowing your plans have been thwarted.
Speaker 1: Your anger is your way to avoid sadness. I love that.
Speaker 1: I need to go to therapy because and then the
Speaker 1: whole lesson from that in the book which I read, Um,
Speaker 1: you're a beautiful reader, by the way, that was your reader.
Speaker 1: Look at you, I learned. I learned backstage the no,
Speaker 1: what's cool about that is? You said? After that, and
Speaker 1: then he introduces the I am identification awareness modification, So like,
Speaker 1: I have a real problem with patients. I know you
Speaker 1: do too, and he wanted me to give examples. That
Speaker 1: was one example. Another example of my impatience is like
Speaker 1: if I go to an airport, you know those stores,
Speaker 1: the bookstores that have the magazines and candy. The slowness
Speaker 1: of that transaction, by the way, I just that Scottie.
Speaker 1: I just told Scotty the story and the airport on
Speaker 1: the way here, I'm like, the people are never there
Speaker 1: and then I'm like I usually I just grab whatever
Speaker 1: book I'm looking for and I just get take twenty
Speaker 1: or thirty bucks and throw it in front of the
Speaker 1: security camera and just wave it around and go, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna be in the airport if this isn't enough money.
Speaker 1: And then I put it on the counter and I
Speaker 1: walk out because I cannot deal with the slowness and
Speaker 1: waiting in line like these people at the airports. And
Speaker 1: I was telling Dan like he was gonna be with me,
Speaker 1: like commiserating, like yeah, I don't I get it, and
Speaker 1: he was just like what And I was like, I
Speaker 1: just can't deal with it. It's too slow. I just
Speaker 1: want the book and I want to go. And he's like, yeah,
Speaker 1: everybody wants what they want and they want to go.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, go, is that is that privilege? Is
Speaker 1: that being white? He's like, no, white people aren't doing
Speaker 1: that either. I was like, good to know, and then
Speaker 1: it's like, you know, like in a hotel, but but
Speaker 1: impatience about things that are so it's so unempathetic to
Speaker 1: be like that, like to not cons you know, who
Speaker 1: knows what these people are are dealing with or why
Speaker 1: they're slow or why they're you know, why why they're
Speaker 1: in the back for a half hour while you're waiting
Speaker 1: to buy a magazine. I was in d C a
Speaker 1: few weekends ago on this tour and the fire alarm.
Speaker 1: I'm so I was in my room. I had taken
Speaker 1: an outible. I was just like just really jam and
Speaker 1: out by myself, reading my Instagram d m s people's responses.
Speaker 1: I was trying to respond, but I was very stone
Speaker 1: and and I had the steamer going and just forgot
Speaker 1: about it. Sounds like a party, it's an after party
Speaker 1: on Like, I'm gonna turn my steamer on and get
Speaker 1: loose the steamers for the broccoli soup. So I went
Speaker 1: and I heard the alarm go off. I was like, oh.
Speaker 1: And I texted Karen because we were in the same
Speaker 1: hotel obviously, and I texted her. I was like, if
Speaker 1: there's a fire, job not doing it. I just thought
Speaker 1: of a jingle really fast, the Regina Steamer carpet cleaner,
Speaker 1: so stupid. And so I realized after like ten more
Speaker 1: minutes that she's like, I don't hear an alarm. I'm like, well,
Speaker 1: there's one going off. Hopefully they'll fix it. And then
Speaker 1: I realized it's in my room going off, and I'm like, osh, fuck,
Speaker 1: I'm like, you are dumb. And then I looked at
Speaker 1: the alarm and I'm like, I've learned, patients. I've learned
Speaker 1: to take a breath. I've learned to not react, to
Speaker 1: take a minute. That was something I didn't know you
Speaker 1: could do. I heard about it, but I heard about
Speaker 1: people saying write an email back, don't send it until
Speaker 1: the next day. And I'm like, all right, you know,
Speaker 1: like that's fun for you. I've never done that. I'm reactive.
Speaker 1: I'm like, you, fuck you. I don't like this. I
Speaker 1: don't let other like problems settle or the idea that
Speaker 1: you right and letary yourself and in the morning you
Speaker 1: might not even want to send it. I'm like, that's
Speaker 1: never gonna happen. But do you do that now? Because
Speaker 1: I do? I do that. I didn't. Actually, I'm I'm
Speaker 1: somewhere in between your extremes and and doing that. I
Speaker 1: do that. Like if I have to write a really
Speaker 1: angry or I feel angry somebody, I always write the
Speaker 1: email out first and I don't send. Yeah, that's what
Speaker 1: you should do, and usually I had never tried it,
Speaker 1: so what I learned was that usually the next day
Speaker 1: you really don't want to send it. You don't, you
Speaker 1: don't care half the time anymore. The next day, But
Speaker 1: to the fire alarm I went, and I was like,
Speaker 1: here's an opportunity to not be a baby. Like usually
Speaker 1: if a fire alarm ever went off at a hotel,
Speaker 1: I would just walk out the door and check into
Speaker 1: another hotel, like I don't want to deal with that.
Speaker 1: I don't want to deal with a line of people out.
Speaker 1: I just be like funk. I would even leave my
Speaker 1: clothes and just be like, let's get new stuff. I don't.
Speaker 1: I mean, I've been on vacation and seeing my suitcase
Speaker 1: ready to pack, and I'd be like, let's just leave it.
Speaker 1: I can't deal, Like, let me just get new things,
Speaker 1: travel overseas and send your luggage before you. Yeah. Always
Speaker 1: always fed X until they gave money to Trump, and
Speaker 1: then I stopped using that, and then I started using
Speaker 1: ups and they don't get ship anywhere on time, So
Speaker 1: now I use fed X again. That was a commitment.
Speaker 1: If you've seen Castaway, sometimes fed X doesn't get there.
Speaker 1: So anyway, it was a moment I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: the fire alarms going off like, you're capable of doing this.
Speaker 1: You've dealt with this before at some point before you
Speaker 1: had domestic amnesia. You were able to do simple tasks
Speaker 1: like this. So I got a chair out and I
Speaker 1: went up and I undid it. I took the battery
Speaker 1: out and I looked at the battery and the alarm
Speaker 1: went off, and I was like, look at you, girl,
Speaker 1: And then I looked at the battery. I looked at
Speaker 1: the minus and the positive. I was like, how do
Speaker 1: you know this? Like it was one of those moments
Speaker 1: where I was like, so you know how to do ship.
Speaker 1: You're just a baby, and you've had so many people
Speaker 1: working for you for so long, and I lost touch
Speaker 1: with like reality, and I was spoiled and I was
Speaker 1: so icked out by myself. You know. It came to
Speaker 1: a crescendo where I was so spoiled and I was
Speaker 1: saying yes to things because of paychecks rather than being
Speaker 1: thoughtful about what I wanted to put out into the world.
Speaker 1: And you know how that goes. You get successful and
Speaker 1: people are like into you and love you, and you're like,
Speaker 1: oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I want more. I want more.
Speaker 1: And I sat in that hotel and I'm like, this
Speaker 1: is everything you've been working on. Just be a regular person,
Speaker 1: be down to earth, and like, don't be you know,
Speaker 1: a baby. And so I got up, I put this
Speaker 1: thing back on and I got off the chair and
Speaker 1: I was about to text my sister like I just
Speaker 1: turned off a fire alarm, and I was like, don't
Speaker 1: send that text, you asshole. Just keep it here. Not
Speaker 1: everything is for everybody all the time. You're not a performance.
Speaker 1: Just be with yourself. That's really great. Yeah, are you
Speaker 1: crying inside? I am, Um, And I heard every other
Speaker 1: word you just said. I'm kidding. That was really great.
Speaker 1: Um My, it was great. My friend Maria Shriver and
Speaker 1: I've told you this before. She how did you become
Speaker 1: friends with Maria Schreiber. No, she's fantastic, as you know
Speaker 1: you met her. She's a real mama there. She's the
Speaker 1: best and super smart and she always says to your
Speaker 1: point for the last twenty minutes, she said. She she said, um,
Speaker 1: you know a lot of people tweet and instagram and
Speaker 1: voice their own opinion that they're angry, angry opinions on
Speaker 1: Facebook or whatever it is, and they go crazy and
Speaker 1: they yell and scream, and she always says I totally
Speaker 1: agree with you. What are you doing about it? And
Speaker 1: it shuts people down because people use their voices all
Speaker 1: the time and they should and we should, we should
Speaker 1: speak our minds and everything. But there's not enough people
Speaker 1: putting that into action. Right. So, if I feel right,
Speaker 1: if I feel if if I feel so so fucking
Speaker 1: pissed about a certain you know, the issue that Trump
Speaker 1: is not supporting or supporting in a wrong way or whatever,
Speaker 1: you know, and I feel that strongly about it, I
Speaker 1: could bitch about it, but there's plenty of people bitching
Speaker 1: about everything. So what are we doing about it? Right?
Speaker 1: And yes, we can vote, but beyond voting, there has
Speaker 1: to be things we can do in little junks that
Speaker 1: will add up. And I think people are people are Yeah.
Speaker 1: I think people are really actually realizing that they have
Speaker 1: to do something because otherwise, you know, everything is at risk.
Speaker 1: I mean, if you have a daughter or you I
Speaker 1: mean whatever, whatever reasons. I think people have been galvanized
Speaker 1: in a way that is really inspiring. I mean, I've
Speaker 1: become friends with people I would never talk to you
Speaker 1: before the election, because we're like a coalition, you know.
Speaker 1: I've met women and and it made me open my
Speaker 1: eyes and realize how privileged my whole life has been.
Speaker 1: You know, I don't know what it's like to be
Speaker 1: a person of color. I have no idea what that's like.
Speaker 1: And how often was I thinking about what it's like
Speaker 1: to be a person of color? Not often enough? How
Speaker 1: often was I thinking about what it's like to be
Speaker 1: a gay person and to be scared violence, to be
Speaker 1: scared and I get pulled over by a police officer
Speaker 1: and be have it be a life or death situation.
Speaker 1: We need to always be fucking thinking about that, and
Speaker 1: we need to be mobilized in helping communities that need us,
Speaker 1: you know, and not not because white people are going
Speaker 1: to fix the problem. But I don't think it's That's
Speaker 1: not what I'm saying. I'm saying that people who have platforms,
Speaker 1: I feel a sense of responsibility to look outside of
Speaker 1: my own asshole and look around at other people's stories
Speaker 1: and say, how can I be a better advocate? How
Speaker 1: can I know more? How can I be a good ally?
Speaker 1: Because I'm not fighting for my rights, I want to
Speaker 1: vote for other people's rights. I got enough, you know
Speaker 1: in this life. It's full right, right, right right? That's
Speaker 1: so great? Have um here's a funny story. So, um,
Speaker 1: we'll see about that. So you mentioned an alarm a
Speaker 1: while ago, an alarm, the fire alarm? Right, good, good, good,
Speaker 1: recall so much, thank you? So uh, Scottie and I
Speaker 1: is a funny story, just because we're going to balance
Speaker 1: this conversation. Sure, balance it. Yeah, I know you don't
Speaker 1: like to get too serious. I've seen it. No, no, no,
Speaker 1: go yuck it up. No, let's move on. Let's no no, no, no,
Speaker 1: don't like that. Tell the story now. So we So,
Speaker 1: Scotty and I. I don't know if you even know
Speaker 1: that's that funny, but um, so, Scotty and my husband
Speaker 1: we were watching the movie Gone Girl, Gone Girl, right,
Speaker 1: Gone Girl with Ben Affleck and some woman Rosamond Pike.
Speaker 1: Is that really who it is? That's her name? Okay,
Speaker 1: that's true? Yeah, okay, you think I can make up
Speaker 1: a name like that, Rosamond Pike. I mean, I can't
Speaker 1: believe I even remembered it that she really stuck with you.
Speaker 1: I'm obviously a huge fan. So we're watching the movie
Speaker 1: and it's like, I don't know, eleven thirty twelve o'clock
Speaker 1: and it's not that scary of a movie. But it's
Speaker 1: kind of like a thriller. Did you say, did you
Speaker 1: gont to me? See it? All? Right? Yeah? That was
Speaker 1: a great movie. Yeah. And so we're watching it and
Speaker 1: all of a sudden, our fire alarm goes off for
Speaker 1: some reason because the fucking battery might because the battery
Speaker 1: goes you're going to kill still steal my story right now.
Speaker 1: But wait, I'm gonna build on it. I'm gonna I'm
Speaker 1: actually gonna make it interesting. Should I text my sister
Speaker 1: that I changed the battery now? Period? Jesus God, thank
Speaker 1: God for your angst against Trump. So anyway, oh, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna get it in between shows. Yeah, that hot dog
Speaker 1: is coming your way, coming in hot gladly. So anyway,
Speaker 1: what's that expression hot dog in the hallway? What is that? Girl? Oh?
Speaker 1: I thought it was about lose guys. Are that like
Speaker 1: a hot dog throwing a hot dog down the hallway? Um?
Speaker 1: What a gross visual one. Anyway, So for watching gone
Speaker 1: girl and um, and the fire alarm goes off, right,
Speaker 1: and it triggers the sound triggers our house alarm, which
Speaker 1: cover your ears is like boo wowow, I mean, it's
Speaker 1: it's like unnerving, right, it's through it's in the backyard.
Speaker 1: It goes off in the backyard and the neighbors, right,
Speaker 1: it's so loud, and so we're like, wait, what the fuck?
Speaker 1: We didn't hear the fire alarm and we're watching Gone,
Speaker 1: Gone Girl, So we're like kind of freaked out already.
Speaker 1: And so the alarms going off because we didn't even
Speaker 1: and we're like, put the funk. So we go and
Speaker 1: put the punch the code, right, which is I won't
Speaker 1: tell you what it is, and uh so we punched
Speaker 1: the code and it goes off. We're like, Jesus God,
Speaker 1: that gave me a heart attack. And then then the
Speaker 1: fire alarm and then the fucking house alarm goes off,
Speaker 1: like and this goes on for half an hour, right,
Speaker 1: So I turned that off, and we're like, what's going on?
Speaker 1: And we call the thing, the fire alarm company, the
Speaker 1: house alarm company, what's going on? So we don't know, so,
Speaker 1: oh my god. So then we didn't know it was
Speaker 1: the fire alarm setting off the house alarm, right right,
Speaker 1: because yeah, you don't have a code for your fire alarm, no,
Speaker 1: you just have a battery, like an idiot would have known.
Speaker 1: So when I kind of buried the lead. But anyway,
Speaker 1: so I go in the crawl space of the attic,
Speaker 1: Mr mechanic and uh, Mike and the mechanics and um
Speaker 1: and I I fucking cut the cord to the house
Speaker 1: alarm because I don't know how to fucking fix it.
Speaker 1: And then and then I go, I take unscrewed these grates,
Speaker 1: like these huge grates in the hallways and that hallway
Speaker 1: and that hallway as I live in a mansion, and
Speaker 1: I cut that fucking alarm thing. I'm cutting, cutting wires
Speaker 1: all over and every time like am I gonna get killed?
Speaker 1: You know, like a like die hard, like cut the wad,
Speaker 1: not the red one, the green one and so and
Speaker 1: then finally no more house alarm, right and then we
Speaker 1: hear and I'm so annoying that you're fucking kidding me
Speaker 1: for an hour, and the neighbors lights went on and
Speaker 1: they're like what And well, we had to do is
Speaker 1: change the battery a little longer than yours, but a
Speaker 1: little funnier. I once had my fool overflowing at my
Speaker 1: house and left my house and checked into a hotel.
Speaker 1: I was rising. I was like, rend and I don't
Speaker 1: like the look. So this I'm taking off. I like
Speaker 1: the idea of cutting wires though. You know, sometimes when
Speaker 1: those things are are chirping, it's it's because the batteries low,
Speaker 1: and so you think there's a fire. Oh, that's the
Speaker 1: point of the story. Sorry, I'm sitting over here in
Speaker 1: deep pain. No, that's okay. The shoes look great with
Speaker 1: the T shirt. So uh oh I have I look
Speaker 1: like a lesbian? Just say I won't say it. I
Speaker 1: won't know. When you go low, I go high. Okay,
Speaker 1: Well this sounds like a good time to take a break. Okay,
Speaker 1: so wait, these are really good questions. Who wrote the
Speaker 1: um Let me ask you something else about being horny? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I haven't had sex in a really long time, A
Speaker 1: long time. Like, uh, I had sex with a ski
Speaker 1: guide that I was skiing with a year ago, and
Speaker 1: I he got fired from his job for having sex
Speaker 1: with me as like a ski Yeah, yeah, he was
Speaker 1: a ski guide. I was skiing with him when he
Speaker 1: was skiing with my nephews all week and then at
Speaker 1: like mid week I was like, who's that guy? Bring
Speaker 1: him over here and we ski together and I hooked
Speaker 1: up with him, and then he got in trouble for
Speaker 1: having sex with the client. I guess that's what they
Speaker 1: call you. M Yeah. Well wait, the story stories not over,
Speaker 1: because yes, the client, you're like a snow bunny. You're
Speaker 1: like a thumper, a little bunny rabbit. I felt really
Speaker 1: badly for getting him fired, because you know, I didn't,
Speaker 1: you know, make him have sex with me. But I
Speaker 1: felt bad anyway, and so I gave him. Um, I
Speaker 1: gave him some money because I felt bad about his firing.
Speaker 1: And when I told you, oh, that's right, you paid
Speaker 1: him because you felt bad about him. Yeah, and he
Speaker 1: thought you felt like you caused the firing. Yes, I
Speaker 1: felt like I've done this before. I've had sex with
Speaker 1: people I shouldn't have and then they get fired and
Speaker 1: then I have to give them a severance package. So funny,
Speaker 1: and that's so funny. So I gave this guy, like funny,
Speaker 1: I gave him twenty dollars. You did not, are you serious?
Speaker 1: Fuck you for that hot dog down the hallway. Baby.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't fund somebody for twenty grand I don't know
Speaker 1: how much say it. I don't know. I don't think
Speaker 1: I said I'll give you somebody. I'll give you a
Speaker 1: million dollars. We need a million dollars to Fox somebody,
Speaker 1: I'll give you ten million dollars. No, I'm not gonna Fox.
Speaker 1: H well maybe ten million. Yeah, I would give it
Speaker 1: away to Charitae the country. Have you ever seen have
Speaker 1: you ever seen bait bus dot com? Anybody clapp Have
Speaker 1: you seen bait bus dot com? The gays? The gays? Now?
Speaker 1: What is it? Bait bus? Bait bus dot com? Right,
Speaker 1: Scotty Yeah, got, he's like what I like, wherever you look,
Speaker 1: there's Scotty. Sometimes he's over there. It's like, where's Walden appears?
Speaker 1: This actually is a wheelchair and he's gonna wheel chair
Speaker 1: me out here, out of here. No bait bus is
Speaker 1: like the they it's gay guys. Who it's it's it's
Speaker 1: a whole thing where straight guys get lured into a bus.
Speaker 1: There's a girl there with titties and he's like yeah,
Speaker 1: and she's like can I blindfold you? And she's like yeah,
Speaker 1: And then a guy blows him and they take the
Speaker 1: fucking thing off and he's like what the funds going up?
Speaker 1: And they're like see it doesn't matter any mouth to
Speaker 1: mouth bag bus dot com. By the way, it's so old,
Speaker 1: I don't even know if it's up anymore. What a
Speaker 1: beautiful nighttime story home and tell that to your loved
Speaker 1: ones or your children tonight. Don't get on the bus
Speaker 1: because you know what happens. That's right. How much time worry?
Speaker 1: We have to wrap it up, We have to say
Speaker 1: goodbye soon. What would you like your parting words of
Speaker 1: wisdom to be? I'm going to tell you right now,
Speaker 1: before you fucking me with that hot dog, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: tell you and everybody here that, and you've probably been
Speaker 1: told this before that well, I'm not gonna back I'm
Speaker 1: gonna back into it. No, it's not I'm gonna back
Speaker 1: into that. I think for people who don't know Chelsea,
Speaker 1: and I'm assuming a lot of you don't know her personally,
Speaker 1: at her deepest, darkest secret is she's the kindest, sweetest,
Speaker 1: most gentle loving, selfless, giving person ever and you need
Speaker 1: to accept that. Sit with that. I'm going to accept that.
Speaker 1: I appreciate you saying something nice for once. Thank you.
Speaker 1: And And this book truly, out of the three I've read, No,
Speaker 1: this book is really, really, truly the best book I've
Speaker 1: ever read. It is it is so uh fraught with
Speaker 1: lessons and um enlightenment and things that you can take
Speaker 1: away and apply to your life and grow and learn,
Speaker 1: and not a lot of books do that. Thank you,
Speaker 1: Thank you very much. Um I want to just read
Speaker 1: something from my book. This is a little serious, so
Speaker 1: you can close your ears. Um I we're selling bracelets,
Speaker 1: these ones that I'm wearing that say I decide on them,
Speaker 1: and T shirts that say I just side that go
Speaker 1: to the l g B t q I A. Is
Speaker 1: it I A or AI community? It should all be
Speaker 1: just Q. But I'm not in charge of that. Okay,
Speaker 1: it's going to youth that the l g B t
Speaker 1: q I A community. Yeah, well, I know, I'm not
Speaker 1: the one who's gay, So I don't know who's coming
Speaker 1: up with the letters. I don't know you're adding letters
Speaker 1: all the time and just trying to those people should
Speaker 1: just be qute. It should just be qute. Okay, well
Speaker 1: maybe they will, I mean esventually, they're going to have
Speaker 1: to narrow it down to one letter. And by the way,
Speaker 1: let's say Q on them. Okay, go ahead, Okay, well
Speaker 1: thanks for that. Let me decide which one to read.
Speaker 1: Like to go out with something meaningful from this stupid,
Speaker 1: stupid conversation. Hold on, let me find something. I'll read this.
Speaker 1: I'll read this last part of the book. Shut up
Speaker 1: your voice, meaning find something that you care about that
Speaker 1: has nothing to do with you, and learn about it.
Speaker 1: Pay attention when you're tired, Take care of yourself. Read more,
Speaker 1: watch less TV. Find new people to teach you their
Speaker 1: life lessons. Be proactive. Know that you have something of
Speaker 1: value that is unlike what anyone else has. The world
Speaker 1: is only getting browner and gayer, and if you don't
Speaker 1: hop on board, you're gonna miss the fucking bus. Debate bus.
Speaker 1: Thank you everybody, Thank you for coming out Chicago. Thank you,
Speaker 1: thank you. Come on, honey, this one. Okay, Well, that's
Speaker 1: our first episode with Shawn Hays. We will be back
Speaker 1: next week with second episode with Sean and I am
Speaker 1: coming to perform in Atlanta this weekend at the Tabernacle Theater.
Speaker 1: I'm coming to Westbury, Long Island, Montclair, New Jersey, and
Speaker 1: I'm coming to a whole bunch of new places in
Speaker 1: Additional dates have been added to You can go to
Speaker 1: Live Nation dot com or Chelsea Hamdler dot com. And
Speaker 1: the book is called Life Will Be the Death of Me.
Speaker 1: In you two and that's Brandon. He is my consigliare.
Speaker 1: Good Night Life will be the Death of Me as
Speaker 1: a production of I Heeart Radio. For more podcasts from
Speaker 1: I heart Radio, visit the i heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts,
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. O