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Speaker 1: Hey, lady, is doctor dim here. If you like this

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Speaker 1: show and you want to make your own, let me

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Speaker 1: tell you about the free platform Anchor. It's a creation

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Speaker 1: tool that allows you to record and edit your podcast

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Speaker 1: so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and more.

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Speaker 1: Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor dot

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Speaker 1: fm to get started.

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Speaker 2: On this week's episode in her Space.

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna say what I need to say, and you

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Speaker 1: just gonna have to deal because I am saying I

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Speaker 1: am adamant that we are not gonna support football. I

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Speaker 1: need you to get on board with this. I thought

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Speaker 1: it was girls like come on, te girl by fuck football.

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Speaker 2: WHOA, that's pretty aggressive. You do realize, said Kaepernick is

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Speaker 2: being disrespectful to you, vets and people that serve this country.

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Speaker 3: Right, No, it ain't.

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Speaker 1: Thank you. Welcome to her Space, a podcast dedicated to

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Speaker 1: uplifting women like you. We're your hosts doctor Dominique Brussard,

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Speaker 1: a college professor and psychologist.

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Speaker 2: And Terry Lomax, a techie and a motivational speaker in

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Speaker 2: a world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood.

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Speaker 2: Please join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything

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Speaker 2: from fibroids to fake friends and create a safe space

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Speaker 2: where black women can just.

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Speaker 1: Bele Today we are talking about conflict resolution. So grab

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Speaker 1: a pen and paper, grab your iPad, your phone, whatever

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Speaker 1: it is that you normally use to take down notes

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Speaker 1: and write down important things, because lady, today we are

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Speaker 1: diving in to a very important topic and we will

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Speaker 1: have lots of tips to help you out. We're gonna

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Speaker 1: get started with our quote of the day. People will

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Speaker 1: forget what you said, they will forget what you did,

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Speaker 1: but they will never forget how you made them feel.

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Speaker 1: And that comes from doctor Maya angelou Tee.

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Speaker 2: You ready to dive in? I'm ready down. Let's do it.

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Speaker 2: So before we actually dive into the topic down, let's

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Speaker 2: think about what feelings come up for us when we're

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Speaker 2: in the face of a conflict.

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Speaker 1: Oh that word, right, what do you feel.

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Speaker 2: About that word?

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Speaker 1: I feel tension, Yes, I feel pain, I feel frustration, sadness.

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Speaker 1: I also experience like my heart racing or and sometimes

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Speaker 1: I know some people experience like rumbling in their gut.

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Speaker 2: Oh, yes, like rumbling or butterflies in your stomach. I

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Speaker 2: think about feelings of anxiety, stress, discomfort just in general.

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Speaker 2: I mean just getting really nervous, maybe even a little

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Speaker 2: shaky and sweaty palms. I mean, it's very uncomfortable. There

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Speaker 2: are some people I know, some people that love conflict.

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Speaker 2: They love tense situations, and they would will dive into them.

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Speaker 2: They love to just be in that atmosphere and that's

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Speaker 2: where they get their their fuel. I am the total opposite.

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Speaker 2: And it may have something to do with the way

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Speaker 2: I grew up in our house constantly in sort of

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Speaker 2: those tense situations. But I don't like conflict.

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Speaker 3: Now.

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Speaker 2: The thing is, I do have a degree in conflict resolution.

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Speaker 2: So it's only right that I put on my teacher

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Speaker 2: hat today and I share some knowledge, Okay's knowledge, And.

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Speaker 1: I love this role reversal today that's happening, right because

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Speaker 1: I also I think my role growing up in my

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Speaker 1: family was to be the peacekeeper or the peace maker,

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Speaker 1: and or at least that's how my perception of it.

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Speaker 1: My family may say what they say, right, but I've

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Speaker 1: generally been the peacekeeper, and so I tend to be.

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Speaker 1: What I tell my friends is I tend to be

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Speaker 1: conflict avoidant. So I will do whatever needs to be

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Speaker 1: done to avoid the conflict.

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Speaker 3: But that's not necessarily healthy either, right, right, So t

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Speaker 3: teach your t Yeah, oh okay, okay, come on in

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Speaker 3: and help us all out.

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Speaker 2: Let's do it. Let's do it. I will have to

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Speaker 2: say I definitely was that person in my family as well,

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Speaker 2: and I think for me, there were so many situations

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Speaker 2: where the conflicts ended with such bad results and consequences,

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Speaker 2: where it was like, oh, I don't want to be

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Speaker 2: in conflict. I don't want to experience this because it

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Speaker 2: could be very very violent, it could be detrimental, Like,

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Speaker 2: it could be very bad. Right, And so I will say,

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Speaker 2: though I have my master's in Conflict Resolution, I that

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Speaker 2: doesn't mean I like conflict. I can coach other people

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Speaker 2: on conflict and I'm great at you know, many of

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Speaker 2: us are great at giving other people advice about situations

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Speaker 2: like that. When I have my own, I still consult

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Speaker 2: with my supports, and some of it doesn't mean that

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Speaker 2: I'm perfect. My husband and I both have this degree,

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Speaker 2: which is where we met in grad school, and so

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Speaker 2: we oftentimes will use the techniques. It took us a

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Speaker 2: little bit of time to get there, but we use

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Speaker 2: the techniques that we have learned in our grad program

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Speaker 2: in the household. So I just want to say, if

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Speaker 2: you ever see us with one of our couple check ins,

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Speaker 2: we put some ground rules on the fridge because we

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Speaker 2: have a little white board there and we're sitting down

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Speaker 2: with like our notepad. It's like pretty official, and we've

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Speaker 2: come a long way. So I'm actually really proud of that.

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Speaker 2: It's kind of cool. So I got some insight I

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Speaker 2: want to share with you. But what I want to

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Speaker 2: say first is conflict isn't a bad thing. It's literally

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Speaker 2: part of life, and conflict allows us to improve the

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Speaker 2: way we've always done things. So if you've been doing

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Speaker 2: something over and over and over, it's like, okay, maybe

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Speaker 2: someone has a different opinion. Maybe you're going to have

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Speaker 2: to meet and agree and figure out a new way

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Speaker 2: to do things right. You just never know. But conflict

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Speaker 2: allows us to really move past I want to say,

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Speaker 2: the status quo and also get innovative, explore the possibilities.

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Speaker 2: Conflict is important, but how we manage conflict is key

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Speaker 2: when it comes to our end results. So what is

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Speaker 2: conflict resolution anyway and why is it important? Conflict resolution

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Speaker 2: in a nutshell is a way for two or more

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Speaker 2: parties to find a peaceful solution to a disagreement among them. Literally,

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Speaker 2: that's it.

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Speaker 1: So me being a peacekeeper technically might not have been

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Speaker 1: me avoiding conflict, is what you're telling me.

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Speaker 2: I think, so I would need to honestly, I want

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Speaker 2: need to hear more about the situations because I too

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Speaker 2: have been the peacemaker, and sometimes as the peacemaker, I

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Speaker 2: would help come to a resolution that would be beneficial

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Speaker 2: or peaceful for other people, and I'm just the person

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Speaker 2: that just takes all the shit. I've always been comfortable

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Speaker 2: in that role. So it could be that scenario where

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Speaker 2: it's like, yeah, it was peaceful, but it wasn't really

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Speaker 2: a win win, and that's ideally what we want to

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Speaker 2: get to, a win win or some kind of compromise.

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Speaker 2: With your face expressions, what is going on over there?

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Speaker 1: So I think what's what I'm hearing for me is

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Speaker 1: that I was able to do that with other people

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Speaker 1: and their conflict, but not necessarily for my own conflict.

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Speaker 2: Gotcha, Oh, gotcha? Ooh, this is gonna be good. This

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Speaker 2: is good. Put your seatbout on to get ready. And

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Speaker 2: I do want to say that the reason this is

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Speaker 2: important is because now following me with this one, okay,

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Speaker 2: because you might roll your eyes and like, girl, you

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Speaker 2: don't know what you're talking about, or girl, what you

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Speaker 2: talk about. But listen. I used to be in a

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Speaker 2: space and life where I used to think that people,

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Speaker 2: especially in the business world, because I think that in

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Speaker 2: family and business that's where most of our conflict occurs.

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Speaker 2: We might have some friendship conflicts, but sometimes those family

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Speaker 2: and work related conflicts can be like, oh my gosh.

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Speaker 2: And what I used to think is that people would

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Speaker 2: typically be unbiased and their role or and the relationship,

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Speaker 2: and they would do what was in everyone's best interest. Right,

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Speaker 2: you would assume that people would do that. But what

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Speaker 2: I learned is that if you have not read Dell

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Speaker 2: Karneckie's book How to Win Friends and Influence People is

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Speaker 2: such a good read, and what they say in that

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Speaker 2: book is that people will go the extra mile and

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Speaker 2: they will do things for people they like. And so

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Speaker 2: I'm not here to say put your needs aside and

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Speaker 2: just go out and try to be liked, but I

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Speaker 2: will say that confult resolution is important because if you

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Speaker 2: can have a tactful conversation with someone where after the

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Speaker 2: conversation or the disagreement, you're able to still be friends

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Speaker 2: or still be coworkers, you never know when you're going

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Speaker 2: to need that person. And I'll give you an example.

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Speaker 2: I had this one professor in college and I had

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Speaker 2: a B in his class. It was around Christmas time,

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Speaker 2: and I was the nerd.

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Speaker 1: Y'all.

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Speaker 2: I was the person that would meet with my professors

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Speaker 2: before the semester because I'm like, y'all won't know this

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Speaker 2: black girl name, okay, because you need to know me

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Speaker 2: because that way, when you're reading papers, people may think

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Speaker 2: I'm crazy. When you're greade in papers, you'll associate, okay,

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Speaker 2: this face with Terry Lomax. And when you have the

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Speaker 2: ability to shift the grade a little bit, trust me,

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Speaker 2: they do it. I know it's not good to say that,

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Speaker 2: but let me tell you. I email this professor and

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Speaker 2: I said, hey, professor, what was his name. I'm not

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Speaker 2: gonna put them out there, but I say, hey, professor,

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Speaker 2: I noticed that I'm so close to an a here.

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Speaker 2: You know, I wanted to know if there's anything I

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Speaker 2: can do for extra credit to get a higher score

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Speaker 2: or whatever. And it was around the Christmas season and

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Speaker 2: he was like, you know what, Terry. My job used

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Speaker 2: to always go to his office to see him for

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Speaker 2: office hours and ask questions and make sure you knew

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Speaker 2: my name. He's like, you know what, Terry, Merry Christmas.

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Speaker 2: I just updated you're grade to A A. I liked

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Speaker 2: you not. Now, imagine if I was a problem in

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Speaker 2: his class, or imagine if I didn't put myself out there.

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Speaker 2: That's not really a conflict, but it just showed you

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Speaker 2: that in life in general, people really do go the

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Speaker 2: extra mile customer service. They do the same thing. Tell

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Speaker 2: me what is it?

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Speaker 1: As a professor, I will neither confirm nor deny whether

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Speaker 1: or not that actually happens. I I will say, though,

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Speaker 1: is that when we have relationships with our students, we

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Speaker 1: are more willing to work with them when problems arise. So,

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Speaker 1: whether that's my A student or my F student, if

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Speaker 1: I have a relationship with that student, I am more

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Speaker 1: willing to work with them. And work with them may

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Speaker 1: mean that I'm going to give you extra credits so

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Speaker 1: that you can help get your grade up, or I

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Speaker 1: may spend extra time like going over concepts with you

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Speaker 1: to make sure that you're really learning the material. But whatever,

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Speaker 1: and I may help you get connected with resources, but

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Speaker 1: if I have that relationship with you, I'm willing to

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Speaker 1: go the extra mile do other things to help you

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Speaker 1: do well in the class exactly.

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Speaker 2: And I see what you did there, Dom, I appreciate

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Speaker 2: I got you, g I appreciate you. But it's really

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Speaker 2: how it works in life. And I know some people

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Speaker 2: are like, oh, well, I don't like people, and I

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Speaker 2: get it. I've been on that train as well. But

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Speaker 2: when you think about it, life is all about relationship building.

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Speaker 2: And the prayers that you are praying to God are

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Speaker 2: going to come from a human being, and so it'd

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Speaker 2: be in your best interest to build relationships with people.

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Speaker 2: And maybe you can set boundaries where you don't got

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Speaker 2: to be with people all the time, but learning how

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Speaker 2: towards out compliencely effectively in a tactful manner would really

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Speaker 2: help you out in the long line. So let's dive

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Speaker 2: into the topic.

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Speaker 1: All right, I am ready to dive in. And so

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Speaker 1: what we're going to do is we're going to look

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Speaker 1: at a few scenarios that most of us are either

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Speaker 1: familiar with or we know someone who has been through it.

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Speaker 1: And what we'll do is we'll touch on each of

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Speaker 1: those scenarios one by one, and then we'll circle back

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Speaker 1: and kind of share with you some of the tips.

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Speaker 1: And that's when you want to pull your pen and

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Speaker 1: paper out, because we're going to offer you some of

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Speaker 1: the best practices to help manage your conflicts effectively.

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Speaker 2: Yes, we want to talk about how to disagree with

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Speaker 2: someone and still be friends afterwards, so you don't got

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Speaker 2: to cuss each other out and you don't got to

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Speaker 2: get all crazy. It's like, Okay, we can disagree and

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Speaker 2: keep on pushing, right. We want to give you tools

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Speaker 2: that you can use today. So let's first dive into

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Speaker 2: some tips to manage conflict for the non confrontational woman.

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Speaker 2: And the first tip I want to share is how

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Speaker 2: to disagree agreeably, and I will talk about what that means.

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Speaker 2: But we all have our own experiences, we all have

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Speaker 2: our own thoughts, opinions, and values, which means that disagreements

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Speaker 2: are inevitable. They are going to happen, especially in the workplace,

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Speaker 2: because we spend so much of our time at work.

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Speaker 2: It's like our work family for real, for real, and

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Speaker 2: we're going to have conflict with these folks, and this

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Speaker 2: isn't a bad thing. But the key here is to,

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Speaker 2: of course, pick and choose your battles. Sometimes it's really

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Speaker 2: not even necessary to share that you disagree with someone,

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Speaker 2: and other times it's important to voice your opinion and

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Speaker 2: share how you feel. So when it comes to how

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Speaker 2: to disagree agreeably, we're going to share some tips here.

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Speaker 2: But what that basically means is you can disagree with

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Speaker 2: someone an agreeable fashion. So it's like people usually say

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Speaker 2: agree to disagree, I like to say disagree agreeably. And

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Speaker 2: so let's go over nugget number one, all.

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Speaker 1: Right, So the first nugget is focus on the facts.

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Speaker 1: What we know for sure is that a strong argument

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Speaker 1: is one that uses facts over opinions. But we also

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Speaker 1: know that that can be difficult to remember when you're

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Speaker 1: in the middle of a disagreement, particularly when you're in

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Speaker 1: a disagreement with a friend or a family member. So

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Speaker 1: if you focus on the facts, not only will your

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Speaker 1: argument be that much more convincing, but it'll also make

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Speaker 1: it clear that this isn't personal, and when you're dealing

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Speaker 1: with friends and family especially, we don't want it to all.

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Speaker 1: It's not going to always be personal. So focus on

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Speaker 1: the facts.

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Speaker 2: And that takes us right on to number two, which

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Speaker 2: is don't get personal. There is no need to put

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Speaker 2: the other person down or take shots shots fire, no

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Speaker 2: reason to do all that. Okay, this could backfire and

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Speaker 2: prevent you from connecting with the other person and learning

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Speaker 2: more about their perspective. And your number one goal is

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Speaker 2: to effectively present their ideas, not poke holes in the

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Speaker 2: other person's right. So we don't want to get personal.

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Speaker 2: We don't want to do any name calling, because if

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Speaker 2: you think about it, getting personal is literally going to

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Speaker 2: do the opposite of what you want to do here.

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Speaker 2: It's going to make the other person defensive, it's going

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Speaker 2: to get them all on their feelings and that when

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Speaker 2: they're in that space, they are not going to hear

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Speaker 2: what you're trying to say. And so it's so important

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Speaker 2: to don't take it personal. And one thing I do

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Speaker 2: want to say is that you're going to hear us

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Speaker 2: constantly reminding you to take deep breaths. I used to

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Speaker 2: be the kind of person I was not a good communicator. Shoot,

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Speaker 2: I'm trying to think, well, my community. I feel like

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Speaker 2: my relationship made my communication better because I was not

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Speaker 2: very good communicator. I did not see good communicators growing up,

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Speaker 2: and so I would just get upset about something and

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Speaker 2: like fly off the handle and I just be so

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Speaker 2: pissed and I just be talking and not thinking about

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Speaker 2: what I'm saying. And you say things that you don't mean,

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Speaker 2: and we can't take those things back. Once you say

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Speaker 2: that thing energetically who that thing is out in the universe.

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Speaker 2: You can apologize all you want. That thing is out

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Speaker 2: there and doing its own thing, and we can't take

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Speaker 2: it back. And we can't make our loved ones, our

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Speaker 2: friends unhear that. And so it's really important to like breathe,

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Speaker 2: take a break.

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Speaker 1: And that part goes into our quote of people will

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Speaker 1: remember how you make them feel. So if you're saying

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Speaker 1: something that like you take your shots fired, that person

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Speaker 1: might not remember exactly what you said, but they will

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Speaker 1: remember how it made them feel.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And I'm sure you could think of we could

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Speaker 2: all right now, if we were to think, oh men,

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Speaker 2: we're gonna end on a positive note. But real quick,

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Speaker 2: just go with me here. You could probably think about

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Speaker 2: something that happened in your life. You had a disagreement

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Speaker 2: with someone and they said some foul shit and you

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Speaker 2: were just like yo, that made me feel all kinds

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Speaker 2: of ways, right. You can definitely think of a situation.

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Speaker 2: I'm sure we all can think of a situation when

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Speaker 2: that happened. And again, you may not remember exactly what

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Speaker 2: they said, but you remember how they made you feel.

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Speaker 2: And even though you may have rekindled the relationship, that

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Speaker 2: thing is usually always going to be in the back

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Speaker 2: of our mind, and anytime we get upset, it's going

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Speaker 2: to resurface and you'll think about it. So we really

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Speaker 2: do want to be mindful that we're not taking things personal,

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Speaker 2: and we're also not making it personal.

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Speaker 1: And when we keep those things in mind, that makes

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Speaker 1: it easy for us to slide right into the next nugget,

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Speaker 1: which is recognize the good. Yes, we get it. You're

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Speaker 1: in an argument. You're disagreeing with that person, But rarely

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Speaker 1: is a suggestion so bad, so awful, unless they're giving

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Speaker 1: shots fired and low blows that you can't find a

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Speaker 1: single nugget of wisdom in there somewhere. So before launching,

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Speaker 1: write in with your argument. It's best if you preface

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Speaker 1: it with something that you like about the person's original

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Speaker 1: suggestion and then use it as a launching point for

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Speaker 1: your own idea. And also when you are giving your argument,

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Speaker 1: if you offer anything personal, offer something positive about that person,

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Speaker 1: because again, if they're focusing on how if you made

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Speaker 1: them feel, you want to make sure that, despite disagreeing,

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Speaker 1: you made them feel good.

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Speaker 2: And here's the thing. Sometimes you might be chatting with

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Speaker 2: someone and you're like, yo, I don't agree with anything

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Speaker 2: they're saying. I can't recognize the good y'all it's good

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Speaker 2: if somebody just shares their opinion. You could literally say

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Speaker 2: to someone, you know, that's a really interesting idea that

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Speaker 2: you had, or you could say, you know, I really

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Speaker 2: appreciate you sharing your opinion. You don't have to, you know,

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Speaker 2: co sign and agree with what they said if you

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Speaker 2: really can't find anything good there but ioledging them. I'm

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Speaker 2: telling you what it does is it lets the person's

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Speaker 2: guard down. They feel heard and they are now able

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Speaker 2: to receive something that you have to say because they

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Speaker 2: don't feel the need to. You know how it is

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Speaker 2: when we argue you honestly, all right, Let's let me

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Speaker 2: just give you a quick example because this goes right

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Speaker 2: into number four, which is remember to listen. There have

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Speaker 2: been so many times my husband I feel like I'm

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Speaker 2: going to talk about my marriage because we use these

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Speaker 2: tools on each other and so this is just a

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Speaker 2: great space for me to talk about it. And there

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Speaker 2: have been times my husband he is quick to apologize.

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Speaker 2: He'll apologize if it offends me or if he does

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Speaker 2: something that I don't like, write not as much as me.

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Speaker 2: I'm getting better at that because sometimes I'm like, I apologize,

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Speaker 2: but he'll apologize, And sometimes I don't even want the apology.

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Speaker 2: I want you to tell me how wrong what you

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Speaker 2: did was, and I want you to hear me and

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Speaker 2: how I felt.

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Speaker 1: I want to be heard.

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Speaker 2: And many times when we are in an argument with someone,

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Speaker 2: we just want to be heard. And so when you

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Speaker 2: think about it, active listening is the key to great conversation,

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Speaker 2: especially when you disagree as much as you want to

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Speaker 2: nod your head and think about your response, like all

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Speaker 2: right here, this is what I'm going to say to that,

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Speaker 2: because let me tell you, I done been there plenty

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Speaker 2: of times where it's like literally word, your words are

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Speaker 2: going in one ear out the other, and I'm like, yeah, oh,

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Speaker 2: I'm getting ready. I'm about to say this to you next.

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Speaker 2: This is going down, like I'm literally mad, but my

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Speaker 2: whole statement, how I'm going to rebut this and disagree

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Speaker 2: with that. Yo, I'm telling y'all, your girl has come

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Speaker 2: a long way, and if I can do this right here,

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Speaker 2: I'm telling you you can too. Try to really listen

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Speaker 2: to what the person is saying, because when you tune

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Speaker 2: them out, they know you tune them out, just like

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Speaker 2: you know when somebody tunes you out. You know, when

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Speaker 2: you're talking to your booth bang or your friend and

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Speaker 2: you're talking like you ain't even listening this enough that

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Speaker 2: I'm saying, because you can just see it, especially when

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Speaker 2: they respond and they just respond to what you said

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Speaker 2: instead of actively listening. Right, when you actively listen, what

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Speaker 2: that looks like is sometimes really doing a quick summary

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Speaker 2: of what the person says, so mirroring, right or sort

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Speaker 2: of I don't want to say regurgitating because that sort

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Speaker 2: of has like a negative nasty content expert like you

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Speaker 2: sort of reframe what they said. So if Don is

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Speaker 2: like you know what, Terry, it offended me when you,

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Speaker 2: I don't know, took my soda and you ate by

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Speaker 2: lunch and I'm like dumb, it sounds to me Don

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Speaker 2: looks pissed. Y'all, I'm joking. This is me active listening

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Speaker 2: to Dom. If I really steal her food like that

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Speaker 2: which is foule, I'd be like, Dom, it sounds to

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Speaker 2: me like you are really upset because I took your

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Speaker 2: drink and I stole your lunch. Is that right? Confirm

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Speaker 2: that you are on the same page, because now that

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Speaker 2: person they don't have to worry about coming to you

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Speaker 2: trying to make sure you heard how they felt on

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Speaker 2: what they said, Like I was telling you I did

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Speaker 2: with my husband, because you feel like, okay, yes, that's

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Speaker 2: exactly how I felt. I got my point across. Now

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Speaker 2: they're ready to receive information from you.

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Speaker 1: I love it because these tips that were offering are

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Speaker 1: skills that are used in therapy, So or anyone who

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Speaker 1: has any hesitation about the usefulness of therapy, these are

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Speaker 1: skills that the therapist uses. These are skills that the

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Speaker 1: therapist teaches you how to use in your personal life.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm on the right track, y'addam has Diamond's confirmed

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Speaker 2: up on the right track here, all right. So we're

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Speaker 2: going to move on to number five, which is one

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Speaker 2: of my favorites, and that is to use I statements.

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Speaker 2: So I want to ask you a question. I'm going

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Speaker 2: to read two sentences A first and then B, and

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Speaker 2: I want you to think about which sentence sounds more

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Speaker 2: harsh and critical. All right, here's A. You always come

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Speaker 2: up with these big ideas so close to the deadline

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Speaker 2: that you only make things harder for everybody. Here's B.

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Speaker 2: I see where you're coming from, but I'm concerned we

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Speaker 2: might be getting too close to the deadline for major changes.

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Speaker 2: So literally, I said this exact same thing there, like

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Speaker 2: the end result is the exact same, right, But when

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Speaker 2: I use that eye statement, I take ownership one for

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Speaker 2: what I see or for my perspective or my part.

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Speaker 2: And I'm letting you know that I'm concerned that we

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Speaker 2: might be getting close to the deadline. It's not you

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Speaker 2: centered or you focused. Whereas if someone says, H, you,

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Speaker 2: I can guarantee many of us are going to be

433
00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:28,560
Speaker 2: super defensive. Oh so now I'll come up with big

434
00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:32,080
Speaker 2: ideas and you don't approve. Oh so now I'm making

435
00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:36,720
Speaker 2: everybody else making their work harder because of it just

436
00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:39,760
Speaker 2: makes it makes people respond a certain way. And so

437
00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:43,520
Speaker 2: using eye statements, So dom, if you were to use

438
00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:45,880
Speaker 2: an eye statement about me stealing your lunch. What would

439
00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:47,159
Speaker 2: that eye statement look like.

440
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:51,760
Speaker 1: Terry, I was really hungry today, and when you took

441
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:56,000
Speaker 1: my lunch, I felt upset and I felt like I

442
00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:57,600
Speaker 1: felt as if I didn't matter to you.

443
00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:00,199
Speaker 2: Wow, No, how the hell you're gonna be mad? And

444
00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:02,600
Speaker 2: so on when they respond and say something like that.

445
00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:05,520
Speaker 2: She used the eye statements and the use statements that

446
00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:07,719
Speaker 2: she did use about me, they were facts. It's not

447
00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:14,240
Speaker 2: like she made something up and said, oh, you greedy. Sorry, y'all,

448
00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:16,560
Speaker 2: I got I had a flashback. I'm gonna said you greedy?

449
00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:20,440
Speaker 2: Ho oh my lord, what was about today? We're gonna

450
00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:24,320
Speaker 2: keep I think we're going to keep that in there

451
00:23:24,359 --> 00:23:26,639
Speaker 2: because that was Yeah, We're gonna just keep that in there, okay.

452
00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:30,080
Speaker 2: So instead of, you know, coming from me, she literally

453
00:23:30,119 --> 00:23:32,439
Speaker 2: just said the facts and how she felt. And so

454
00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:35,119
Speaker 2: eye statements allow you to take ownership of your feelings

455
00:23:35,119 --> 00:23:37,960
Speaker 2: and the facts while leaving the other person with their

456
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:41,439
Speaker 2: dignity intact okay, because people are less likely to be

457
00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:44,920
Speaker 2: defensive when you use eye statements. I can't I can't

458
00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:47,720
Speaker 2: dispute and argue and Rebut with how you feel, that's

459
00:23:47,720 --> 00:23:49,919
Speaker 2: your that's your feeling. You have a right to that.

460
00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:53,200
Speaker 1: I think that leads us right into our next nugget,

461
00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:57,600
Speaker 1: which is knowing when to move on. With knowing when

462
00:23:57,640 --> 00:24:00,439
Speaker 1: to move on, that means that, Okay, I've given my

463
00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:04,920
Speaker 1: eye statements, so I've expressed how I'm feeling, I've stated

464
00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:08,359
Speaker 1: my facts, and now there's nothing else left to say.

465
00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:13,560
Speaker 1: So if there's nothing else left to say, but maybe

466
00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:18,359
Speaker 1: Terry wants to keep the conversation going, Maybe Terry is

467
00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:20,680
Speaker 1: about to get into a space where she's bringing up

468
00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:27,520
Speaker 1: old issues or unrelated conflicts, which oftentimes will happen when

469
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:31,200
Speaker 1: people aren't dealing with their conflicts on a regular basis.

470
00:24:31,359 --> 00:24:34,359
Speaker 1: So in that moment, if I know that it's time

471
00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:36,760
Speaker 1: for me to move on, I know that it's time

472
00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:40,159
Speaker 1: for this conversation to stop, either because I've stated the

473
00:24:40,200 --> 00:24:44,760
Speaker 1: things that need to be stated, or I sense that

474
00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:49,639
Speaker 1: the conflict is going to boil up, boil over. Maybe

475
00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:55,480
Speaker 1: I could say something along the lines of I'm not

476
00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:58,119
Speaker 1: ready to dive into this other part of the conversation

477
00:24:58,280 --> 00:25:03,040
Speaker 1: right now, to step outside to clear my head, and

478
00:25:03,119 --> 00:25:06,320
Speaker 1: perhaps we can meet tomorrow to talk about it, or

479
00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:09,920
Speaker 1: we can reconvene after I've had some time to clear

480
00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:10,359
Speaker 1: my head.

481
00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:12,720
Speaker 2: Those are really good domin I think that in an

482
00:25:12,760 --> 00:25:15,720
Speaker 2: intimate relationship, if you're gonna use any of these techniques

483
00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:20,560
Speaker 2: for your partner or your friends or family. One thing

484
00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:22,800
Speaker 2: I think is really important, and we're not going to

485
00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:25,960
Speaker 2: really dive into this too deep, but establishing ground rules

486
00:25:26,359 --> 00:25:29,720
Speaker 2: before you're like, we're gonna talk about this later I

487
00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:34,080
Speaker 2: can't remember, but before diving into a deep conversation, let's

488
00:25:34,080 --> 00:25:36,159
Speaker 2: say you're having a couple's check in. That's something we

489
00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:37,879
Speaker 2: do on a monthly basis. We have a couple's check

490
00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:39,800
Speaker 2: in on like a one on one, just to touch

491
00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:42,120
Speaker 2: base about things that come up for us and things

492
00:25:42,160 --> 00:25:45,879
Speaker 2: that we need to discuss because it's important for growth,

493
00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:47,920
Speaker 2: and also it's important to make sure that things don't

494
00:25:47,920 --> 00:25:49,760
Speaker 2: get rushed under the table. And so when we have

495
00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:53,040
Speaker 2: those typically we will have ground rules. One of the

496
00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:55,160
Speaker 2: ground rules that has been a constant on our ground

497
00:25:55,280 --> 00:25:57,879
Speaker 2: role list is no interrupting, because I do have a

498
00:25:57,920 --> 00:26:01,280
Speaker 2: bad habit, especially in a disagreement, of just interrupting because

499
00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:03,880
Speaker 2: what I have to say is so damn important, even

500
00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:06,639
Speaker 2: though it really is sometimes but no, I am working

501
00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:08,320
Speaker 2: on that. So that is one of the ground rules.

502
00:26:08,320 --> 00:26:11,560
Speaker 2: I think that's really important. And then also establishing the goal,

503
00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:15,760
Speaker 2: like what is the goal or the ideal outcome of

504
00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:18,080
Speaker 2: this conversation. That way, when someone brings up the old

505
00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:21,560
Speaker 2: shit and you're like, play that happened three years ago,

506
00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:25,040
Speaker 2: that's literally not even on the menu for tonight, you

507
00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:27,520
Speaker 2: can always revisit what is the goal of the conversation.

508
00:26:28,080 --> 00:26:30,040
Speaker 2: But I think you're right. Sometimes old stuff comes up

509
00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:33,560
Speaker 2: when you haven't really been addressing things on a consistent basis,

510
00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:37,320
Speaker 2: and sometimes you have to what do they say, agree

511
00:26:37,359 --> 00:26:39,720
Speaker 2: to disagree? Sometimes you reach a point where it's like,

512
00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:42,800
Speaker 2: you know what, it sounds like you're saying this, don

513
00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:46,439
Speaker 2: My perspective is, z, I don't think we're going to

514
00:26:46,480 --> 00:26:49,000
Speaker 2: move any We're not going to move forward, right like,

515
00:26:49,240 --> 00:26:51,240
Speaker 2: I think we've reached an impasse and it's time for

516
00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:56,320
Speaker 2: us to both agree that we cannot agree on this

517
00:26:56,440 --> 00:26:59,199
Speaker 2: topic and move forward. Do you need anything from me

518
00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:01,240
Speaker 2: to close this out?

519
00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:06,600
Speaker 1: I think that's excellent, and I think it's so hard

520
00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:10,080
Speaker 1: to do though it is, and so one of the

521
00:27:10,119 --> 00:27:12,479
Speaker 1: things that you know, I think is important for us

522
00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:18,360
Speaker 1: to remember, in addition to taking those deep breaths, is

523
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:28,800
Speaker 1: to keep calm and to focus on the process instead

524
00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:34,560
Speaker 1: of the content. And so what that means is, right now,

525
00:27:34,680 --> 00:27:39,200
Speaker 1: what's happening is things are getting heated, and I think

526
00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:43,560
Speaker 1: it might be best for me to walk away. And

527
00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:47,240
Speaker 1: notice that I focused on myself. I didn't address how

528
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:52,160
Speaker 1: you were feeling. I kept those eye statements, but I

529
00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:55,840
Speaker 1: recognized that and I focused on the process that things

530
00:27:55,920 --> 00:27:59,439
Speaker 1: are getting heated. I didn't say anything about what was

531
00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:05,160
Speaker 1: being said, it focusing on just the process. So then

532
00:28:05,280 --> 00:28:10,520
Speaker 1: that way it's easier to walk away and then you

533
00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:12,760
Speaker 1: can come back later and address it.

534
00:28:13,560 --> 00:28:17,320
Speaker 2: Yes, I think stepping away and cooling down is very

535
00:28:17,359 --> 00:28:20,439
Speaker 2: important sometimes. And I know when you're working with someone

536
00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:23,080
Speaker 2: and you two have different sort of I want to say,

537
00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:26,000
Speaker 2: processing styles. I know sometimes I might be in a

538
00:28:26,040 --> 00:28:29,080
Speaker 2: conflict with someone and they might be someone that needs

539
00:28:29,119 --> 00:28:31,520
Speaker 2: to speak out loud to process, whereas I am the

540
00:28:31,560 --> 00:28:34,199
Speaker 2: kind of person where I need to go away and

541
00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:37,200
Speaker 2: like process on my own and usually write things down

542
00:28:37,240 --> 00:28:39,360
Speaker 2: and like journal and then I can come to the table.

543
00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:41,880
Speaker 2: So it really depends on who you're speaking to, what

544
00:28:41,920 --> 00:28:44,000
Speaker 2: your styles are, and you can always have a conversation

545
00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:47,040
Speaker 2: about that. So we're going to dive into a little scenario,

546
00:28:47,120 --> 00:28:51,960
Speaker 2: a little role play. Okay, So the scenario is Dom

547
00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:54,880
Speaker 2: and Terry are best friends and they're talking on the

548
00:28:54,920 --> 00:28:58,920
Speaker 2: phone like they do weekly to catch up on gossip, news,

549
00:28:59,160 --> 00:29:03,040
Speaker 2: pop culture, all that good stuff. Don's telling Terry all

550
00:29:03,080 --> 00:29:07,640
Speaker 2: about how she's boycotting football and Terry doesn't agree. So

551
00:29:09,000 --> 00:29:11,800
Speaker 2: plot our phones and action.

552
00:29:13,160 --> 00:29:16,520
Speaker 1: Girl. Let me tell you, I am not here for

553
00:29:17,080 --> 00:29:20,320
Speaker 1: this football nonsense. I am not here for how they

554
00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:24,560
Speaker 1: are not supporting Kaepernick. And I think that we all

555
00:29:24,880 --> 00:29:27,440
Speaker 1: now you know I was a diehard Saints fan. I

556
00:29:27,520 --> 00:29:30,680
Speaker 1: think that we all just needs a boycott football all together,

557
00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:33,160
Speaker 1: like fuck football.

558
00:29:33,880 --> 00:29:38,280
Speaker 2: WHOA, that's pretty aggressive. You do realize that Kaepernick is

559
00:29:38,320 --> 00:29:43,680
Speaker 2: being disrespectful to you, vets and people that serve this country.

560
00:29:43,400 --> 00:29:44,720
Speaker 3: Right, No, he ain't.

561
00:29:45,040 --> 00:29:47,840
Speaker 1: I need you to go and watch the news and

562
00:29:48,320 --> 00:29:51,160
Speaker 1: go read up on some of that shit and learn

563
00:29:51,320 --> 00:29:55,840
Speaker 1: that he ain't being disrespectful. They are being disrespectful to him.

564
00:29:56,040 --> 00:29:57,960
Speaker 2: Don't tell me what I need to go do, and

565
00:29:58,080 --> 00:29:59,800
Speaker 2: I would appreciate it if you didn't cut at me.

566
00:30:00,080 --> 00:30:03,280
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say what I need to say, and you

567
00:30:03,520 --> 00:30:07,040
Speaker 1: just gonna have to deal because I am saying I

568
00:30:07,080 --> 00:30:11,200
Speaker 1: am adamant that we are not gonna support football. I

569
00:30:11,320 --> 00:30:13,600
Speaker 1: need you to get on board with this. I thought

570
00:30:13,640 --> 00:30:16,720
Speaker 1: it was girls like come on, te girl.

571
00:30:16,480 --> 00:30:21,000
Speaker 2: By okay real quick. That could have just went down

572
00:30:21,040 --> 00:30:24,240
Speaker 2: the rabbit hole and we literally got off topic so quick.

573
00:30:24,920 --> 00:30:28,480
Speaker 2: You said something that triggered me, and then we went

574
00:30:28,520 --> 00:30:30,360
Speaker 2: off on a tangent about that. And that's one of

575
00:30:30,360 --> 00:30:33,000
Speaker 2: those conversations where you end up you ever get in

576
00:30:33,080 --> 00:30:37,360
Speaker 2: an argument, and you end up somewhere where you didn't

577
00:30:37,360 --> 00:30:39,360
Speaker 2: even begin. You're like, how did we even get to

578
00:30:39,400 --> 00:30:41,800
Speaker 2: this point? Because we started off being angry about the napkin,

579
00:30:42,600 --> 00:30:44,760
Speaker 2: this napkin on the table, and now we're talking about

580
00:30:44,800 --> 00:30:47,520
Speaker 2: the car that's beeping down the street. How did we what?

581
00:30:48,120 --> 00:30:54,560
Speaker 1: Because in this role play, I violated all of our tips, right,

582
00:30:55,600 --> 00:31:00,320
Speaker 1: So our tip number one is to focus on the fact.

583
00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:05,640
Speaker 1: Initially I tried to stay on topic with we're not

584
00:31:05,680 --> 00:31:09,720
Speaker 1: supporting football because of Kaepernick. But then when you tried

585
00:31:09,760 --> 00:31:14,920
Speaker 1: to counter me, that's when I took it personal and

586
00:31:16,760 --> 00:31:20,040
Speaker 1: I lost track of facts. I just started putting whatever

587
00:31:20,120 --> 00:31:22,840
Speaker 1: out there. Right. The other thing is that I was

588
00:31:22,920 --> 00:31:26,160
Speaker 1: not even trying to recognize the good, Like I wasn't

589
00:31:26,200 --> 00:31:29,520
Speaker 1: even trying to really hear anything good that you were

590
00:31:29,560 --> 00:31:32,800
Speaker 1: telling me from the moment I realized that you weren't

591
00:31:32,840 --> 00:31:38,120
Speaker 1: agreeing with me, I violated rule number four. I stopped listening.

592
00:31:39,440 --> 00:31:44,640
Speaker 1: And if I did use I statements, I know that

593
00:31:44,720 --> 00:31:52,920
Speaker 1: I equally used you attacking statements. And I wasn't ready

594
00:31:53,000 --> 00:31:56,840
Speaker 1: to move on. You tried to, You tried to de

595
00:31:57,040 --> 00:32:00,920
Speaker 1: escalate the situation, but I was still like, no, I'm

596
00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:06,520
Speaker 1: pulling you back in. So I violated all all of

597
00:32:06,560 --> 00:32:08,760
Speaker 1: our tips in that scenario.

598
00:32:09,280 --> 00:32:12,040
Speaker 2: And you said something that I think is really important there.

599
00:32:12,200 --> 00:32:14,600
Speaker 2: And one thing you said is you said something about

600
00:32:15,080 --> 00:32:18,240
Speaker 2: I think asking questions, and it made me think about

601
00:32:18,280 --> 00:32:20,680
Speaker 2: the importance of getting curious. And so when you don't

602
00:32:20,760 --> 00:32:24,160
Speaker 2: understand someone, yo, this is like something to put in

603
00:32:24,200 --> 00:32:27,280
Speaker 2: your back pocket. Ask open into questions. So if I

604
00:32:27,280 --> 00:32:29,440
Speaker 2: don't understand your perspective, and we'll dive into the right

605
00:32:29,440 --> 00:32:31,440
Speaker 2: way too, and then we'll get back into this. But

606
00:32:31,720 --> 00:32:33,080
Speaker 2: you'll ask questions.

607
00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:36,400
Speaker 3: Okay, So you're ready to come the right.

608
00:32:36,200 --> 00:32:37,920
Speaker 2: Way, Yes, let's do it the right way and clean

609
00:32:37,960 --> 00:32:39,080
Speaker 2: it up action.

610
00:32:39,760 --> 00:32:43,480
Speaker 3: Hey girl, have you been keeping up as all this football? Slow?

611
00:32:44,320 --> 00:32:47,360
Speaker 2: Not really? What's going on? Gurden, I'm not in the sports.

612
00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:51,040
Speaker 2: Why are you bringing this up? Well, I'm bringing it.

613
00:32:51,000 --> 00:32:54,480
Speaker 4: Up because I think, I know that you are into

614
00:32:54,800 --> 00:32:59,440
Speaker 4: advocating for black folks, and Colin kaepern it is really

615
00:32:59,520 --> 00:33:02,360
Speaker 4: advocating the black folks right now and asking all of

616
00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:05,040
Speaker 4: us to boycott football.

617
00:33:06,520 --> 00:33:09,840
Speaker 2: Okay, that's interesting. I mean, you know what, I think

618
00:33:09,880 --> 00:33:14,240
Speaker 2: that that is admirable, like what he's doing, and I

619
00:33:14,320 --> 00:33:17,080
Speaker 2: told you see why you're passionate about it. I guess

620
00:33:17,160 --> 00:33:19,800
Speaker 2: the only thing that really rubs me the wrong way

621
00:33:19,880 --> 00:33:22,840
Speaker 2: is the fact that, you know, my grandfathers were both

622
00:33:22,920 --> 00:33:24,880
Speaker 2: in the army and my grandmother was in the Navy.

623
00:33:24,960 --> 00:33:28,000
Speaker 2: So it's just I feel like it's disrespectful for him

624
00:33:28,040 --> 00:33:30,320
Speaker 2: to take a knee do the national anthem, and so

625
00:33:30,360 --> 00:33:32,440
Speaker 2: it's just I feel conflicted because of that, you know

626
00:33:32,480 --> 00:33:33,000
Speaker 2: what I mean.

627
00:33:33,160 --> 00:33:35,200
Speaker 4: Well, can you tell me a little bit more about that,

628
00:33:35,600 --> 00:33:39,280
Speaker 4: because the whole military ascent, I mean.

629
00:33:40,080 --> 00:33:44,760
Speaker 1: Honestly, I've been following kind of sort of not really,

630
00:33:45,280 --> 00:33:50,360
Speaker 1: but I still think it's important, and so can you

631
00:33:50,400 --> 00:33:50,840
Speaker 1: talk to me a.

632
00:33:50,800 --> 00:33:53,240
Speaker 3: Little bit about about that military aspect part?

633
00:33:53,480 --> 00:33:53,880
Speaker 1: For sure.

634
00:33:54,000 --> 00:33:56,280
Speaker 2: I just think that the national anthem is something that's

635
00:33:56,280 --> 00:33:59,160
Speaker 2: really important to our country, and it's something that you know,

636
00:33:59,400 --> 00:34:03,720
Speaker 2: our well, my family has sort of stood by to

637
00:34:03,760 --> 00:34:07,360
Speaker 2: protect the country. And so if someone doesn't stand up

638
00:34:07,920 --> 00:34:11,400
Speaker 2: and doesn't participate, I just think it's like blatant disrespect

639
00:34:11,440 --> 00:34:13,400
Speaker 2: for the people that fought for this country that we

640
00:34:13,480 --> 00:34:16,520
Speaker 2: live in, and it just it makes me hard to

641
00:34:16,560 --> 00:34:18,080
Speaker 2: like get on board with that, you know what I mean.

642
00:34:18,320 --> 00:34:20,560
Speaker 3: I think I kind of follow what you're saying.

643
00:34:20,800 --> 00:34:24,719
Speaker 4: So you're looking at it more from a perspective of

644
00:34:25,160 --> 00:34:29,560
Speaker 4: your family, what your family's do for, and that goes

645
00:34:29,600 --> 00:34:34,560
Speaker 4: against what Kaepernick is doing exactly. I still think that

646
00:34:34,920 --> 00:34:39,080
Speaker 4: I want to support Kaepernick. So maybe we should do

647
00:34:39,160 --> 00:34:43,560
Speaker 4: some research, both of us, right, and really figure out,

648
00:34:43,680 --> 00:34:47,759
Speaker 4: like learn more about what Kaepernick is really doing this for,

649
00:34:48,480 --> 00:34:50,920
Speaker 4: and we can make a decision after that.

650
00:34:51,200 --> 00:34:51,960
Speaker 1: How does that sound?

651
00:34:52,040 --> 00:34:56,080
Speaker 2: That sounds good? That's cool? And see all right, so

652
00:34:56,400 --> 00:35:02,520
Speaker 2: a lot more questions that time. And oh, for the record,

653
00:35:02,640 --> 00:35:05,480
Speaker 2: I I'm with Cap. I support Kaepernick all the way.

654
00:35:05,800 --> 00:35:08,719
Speaker 2: I just felt like this was, you know, a good

655
00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:10,880
Speaker 2: role for me to play. I played the bad guy

656
00:35:10,920 --> 00:35:12,960
Speaker 2: this time around. But yeah, no, I'm with Caps and

657
00:35:13,000 --> 00:35:14,200
Speaker 2: don't get it twisted.

658
00:35:14,239 --> 00:35:17,040
Speaker 3: Now, Yeah, that's done with.

659
00:35:18,600 --> 00:35:21,560
Speaker 4: I think the main thing that we wanted you all

660
00:35:21,600 --> 00:35:24,840
Speaker 4: to hear is that there was a big difference in

661
00:35:24,920 --> 00:35:27,960
Speaker 4: those two dialogues and those two in our actions, and

662
00:35:28,719 --> 00:35:33,480
Speaker 4: the biggest difference is that both people were utilizing our

663
00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:39,640
Speaker 4: tips right. They were not taking things personally when it

664
00:35:39,680 --> 00:35:45,040
Speaker 4: could have easily gone that way. They focused on the facts,

665
00:35:45,680 --> 00:35:50,360
Speaker 4: They recognize the good and eat what each person was

666
00:35:50,360 --> 00:35:54,040
Speaker 4: trying to read to the table. They listened to one another,

667
00:35:54,719 --> 00:35:57,680
Speaker 4: they used I statements and.

668
00:35:59,440 --> 00:36:00,040
Speaker 1: They knew.

669
00:36:01,840 --> 00:36:04,120
Speaker 2: There you go. And we want to go over another

670
00:36:04,160 --> 00:36:09,400
Speaker 2: scenario where we talk about how to tell someone when

671
00:36:09,440 --> 00:36:12,680
Speaker 2: they've offended you or hurt your feelings. And so this

672
00:36:12,719 --> 00:36:15,080
Speaker 2: will be sort of open ended where we share experiences

673
00:36:15,120 --> 00:36:18,160
Speaker 2: where this has happened and how we handled it, whether

674
00:36:18,200 --> 00:36:21,520
Speaker 2: it was positively or negatively. And what we want you

675
00:36:21,640 --> 00:36:24,239
Speaker 2: to do is think about the tips that we've been

676
00:36:24,360 --> 00:36:26,680
Speaker 2: like drilling into your head. Here are these tips that

677
00:36:26,680 --> 00:36:30,520
Speaker 2: we've been sharing, and you point out either how we

678
00:36:30,640 --> 00:36:33,680
Speaker 2: use them or how we failed to use them in

679
00:36:33,719 --> 00:36:37,319
Speaker 2: these different examples. And I have one example right now

680
00:36:37,360 --> 00:36:39,839
Speaker 2: that's actually from a work situation that I was dealing with.

681
00:36:39,880 --> 00:36:43,880
Speaker 2: And basically what happened was I had some pre arranged

682
00:36:44,080 --> 00:36:48,839
Speaker 2: travel engagements before I started this job, and I said,

683
00:36:48,920 --> 00:36:50,879
Speaker 2: you know, when I got my offer letter, I was like, Hey,

684
00:36:50,920 --> 00:36:53,560
Speaker 2: I have this stuff on my calendar, it's coming up soon.

685
00:36:53,960 --> 00:36:57,440
Speaker 2: Is this okay? They said, yes, I got hired. Cool.

686
00:36:57,800 --> 00:36:59,640
Speaker 2: So when that time of the year came and I

687
00:36:59,680 --> 00:37:03,719
Speaker 2: had these travel engagements, I remember logging into Slack, which

688
00:37:03,760 --> 00:37:06,759
Speaker 2: is our instant messaging tool at the company that I

689
00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:10,040
Speaker 2: was at, and one of my colleagues he had posted

690
00:37:10,080 --> 00:37:12,120
Speaker 2: something in the group. Someone asked where I was or

691
00:37:12,200 --> 00:37:14,319
Speaker 2: said something about me, not in a bad way, but

692
00:37:14,360 --> 00:37:19,360
Speaker 2: he had responded to this person and he's like, yeah,

693
00:37:19,719 --> 00:37:23,040
Speaker 2: she's gone a lot or something. I was really upset.

694
00:37:23,320 --> 00:37:25,320
Speaker 2: I was so pissed because I was like, oh my gosh.

695
00:37:25,320 --> 00:37:28,239
Speaker 2: I already felt self conscious because I had these travel

696
00:37:28,520 --> 00:37:30,560
Speaker 2: plans and now someone says this in the group. So

697
00:37:30,640 --> 00:37:32,400
Speaker 2: I was kind of stressing because I'm like, it kind

698
00:37:32,400 --> 00:37:34,120
Speaker 2: of ruined my little travel because I was like, dany,

699
00:37:34,120 --> 00:37:36,000
Speaker 2: now I'm paranoid, like people are going to be like, oh,

700
00:37:36,000 --> 00:37:38,200
Speaker 2: she she just out on vacation. But it was really

701
00:37:38,200 --> 00:37:42,480
Speaker 2: scheduled before, and so I ended up consulting with my team.

702
00:37:42,640 --> 00:37:43,759
Speaker 2: You know, we talked about that in one of our

703
00:37:43,760 --> 00:37:46,920
Speaker 2: previous episodes to figure out how to have the conversation

704
00:37:47,000 --> 00:37:49,000
Speaker 2: because the colleague and I were actually like, we were

705
00:37:49,000 --> 00:37:53,000
Speaker 2: pretty cool. We worked together, we were pretty close at work.

706
00:37:53,280 --> 00:37:56,120
Speaker 2: And so what I did was I sent him a

707
00:37:56,120 --> 00:37:58,480
Speaker 2: message and said, hey, do you have some time to chat?

708
00:37:58,760 --> 00:38:00,360
Speaker 2: He said he did, so I put some on the

709
00:38:00,360 --> 00:38:02,759
Speaker 2: calendar and we had a conversation. And basically what I

710
00:38:02,800 --> 00:38:06,640
Speaker 2: said was, I said, hey, I really love working with you.

711
00:38:06,760 --> 00:38:08,520
Speaker 2: He's actually very helpful for me. So I was like,

712
00:38:08,560 --> 00:38:11,160
Speaker 2: I really appreciate the fact that you're always there to

713
00:38:11,280 --> 00:38:14,759
Speaker 2: answer my request because sometimes stuff is very technical, it's

714
00:38:14,800 --> 00:38:17,080
Speaker 2: not my area of experties. I really appreciate that. So

715
00:38:17,160 --> 00:38:19,359
Speaker 2: I was just thanking him for, you know, the way

716
00:38:19,400 --> 00:38:20,759
Speaker 2: that he showed up for me at work, the way

717
00:38:20,800 --> 00:38:22,640
Speaker 2: he was so helpful. And I said, you know, there's

718
00:38:22,640 --> 00:38:24,399
Speaker 2: something I wanted to bring to your attention that really

719
00:38:24,400 --> 00:38:26,399
Speaker 2: made me feel some kind of way. And basically, when

720
00:38:26,400 --> 00:38:29,640
Speaker 2: I was traveling, I saw this Slack message where you said,

721
00:38:29,680 --> 00:38:32,160
Speaker 2: blah blah blah, that's a fact, right, I'm not using

722
00:38:32,239 --> 00:38:34,000
Speaker 2: a use statement in a bad way, but I'm sharing

723
00:38:34,000 --> 00:38:37,000
Speaker 2: this fact. And then I said, it made me feel

724
00:38:37,000 --> 00:38:39,640
Speaker 2: really self conscious because I had this pre arranged travel

725
00:38:40,000 --> 00:38:44,040
Speaker 2: I felt really sort of judged and put out there,

726
00:38:44,080 --> 00:38:47,080
Speaker 2: and it just came off in a way that offended me,

727
00:38:47,800 --> 00:38:51,640
Speaker 2: and he was so apologetic, like he was very, very shocked.

728
00:38:51,840 --> 00:38:53,640
Speaker 2: He didn't even expect me to have a conversation, but

729
00:38:53,680 --> 00:38:55,440
Speaker 2: he said he's so sorry. That was not his intention

730
00:38:55,520 --> 00:38:57,759
Speaker 2: at all. He said some other stuff that I don't

731
00:38:57,800 --> 00:39:00,160
Speaker 2: really remember, and then I closed it out by saying,

732
00:39:00,880 --> 00:39:02,839
Speaker 2: I'm so glad we could have this conversation. I really

733
00:39:02,840 --> 00:39:05,560
Speaker 2: appreciate the work relationship that we have, and I'm so

734
00:39:05,600 --> 00:39:08,239
Speaker 2: grateful that I could share this with you and you

735
00:39:08,280 --> 00:39:10,799
Speaker 2: could have received this feedback. And that was on his

736
00:39:10,800 --> 00:39:12,759
Speaker 2: heart for a long time. He actually told me in

737
00:39:12,800 --> 00:39:15,840
Speaker 2: that meeting he was like, I literally because this was

738
00:39:15,880 --> 00:39:17,440
Speaker 2: like his first job. He's like, I never had a

739
00:39:17,480 --> 00:39:20,080
Speaker 2: conversation like this at work, but I hope that any

740
00:39:20,120 --> 00:39:22,840
Speaker 2: other like constructive feedback conversations are like this. This was

741
00:39:22,920 --> 00:39:24,879
Speaker 2: really awesome. And I was like, well, damn, I guess

742
00:39:24,920 --> 00:39:27,040
Speaker 2: I did a good damn job of somebody. I'm giving

743
00:39:27,120 --> 00:39:29,600
Speaker 2: them constructive feedback about something that offended me. And he

744
00:39:29,680 --> 00:39:32,160
Speaker 2: responded in that way, and we've been great ever since,

745
00:39:32,200 --> 00:39:35,040
Speaker 2: and again we talked about relationship building. I literally go

746
00:39:35,120 --> 00:39:37,799
Speaker 2: to him for a lot of things that I need

747
00:39:37,800 --> 00:39:39,640
Speaker 2: at work, and we have a good working relationship. So

748
00:39:39,640 --> 00:39:42,080
Speaker 2: it's really really dope to do that, and it's very

749
00:39:42,120 --> 00:39:44,880
Speaker 2: important to be tactful. Now. The last thing I'm going

750
00:39:44,920 --> 00:39:47,600
Speaker 2: to close out with is a story about my grandfather,

751
00:39:48,040 --> 00:39:50,240
Speaker 2: And there was an instance when my grandfather was alive.

752
00:39:50,280 --> 00:39:52,759
Speaker 2: He was very playful, but he used to always in

753
00:39:52,800 --> 00:39:55,560
Speaker 2: an endearing way. I guess he thought it was endearing

754
00:39:55,960 --> 00:40:00,400
Speaker 2: call us girls sometimes the boy's too ugly and someone

755
00:40:00,400 --> 00:40:03,560
Speaker 2: that has struggled with self esteem and all these things.

756
00:40:04,000 --> 00:40:07,640
Speaker 2: I don't tolerate people calling me names that I don't appreciate,

757
00:40:07,680 --> 00:40:09,759
Speaker 2: and so I'll let them know with the quickness. So

758
00:40:09,800 --> 00:40:11,400
Speaker 2: I'm very happy I'm at that point now where I

759
00:40:11,400 --> 00:40:13,400
Speaker 2: can do that. It wasn't always that way, and so

760
00:40:13,480 --> 00:40:16,520
Speaker 2: it was my grandfather being a very old school black

761
00:40:16,560 --> 00:40:20,680
Speaker 2: granddad who he don't play right. I went to him

762
00:40:20,719 --> 00:40:22,080
Speaker 2: and I actually talked to my mom about it. I

763
00:40:22,160 --> 00:40:24,640
Speaker 2: was like, Mom, you know, pop Up he says this,

764
00:40:24,719 --> 00:40:26,360
Speaker 2: and I really don't like it. But I don't know

765
00:40:26,400 --> 00:40:28,960
Speaker 2: how to approach him because it's pop Up, like I

766
00:40:29,000 --> 00:40:31,160
Speaker 2: don't he's like the patriarch or the family. He can

767
00:40:31,239 --> 00:40:34,320
Speaker 2: be intimidating. And she said tell him. I was like, really,

768
00:40:34,600 --> 00:40:36,560
Speaker 2: and she kind of gave me some advice on how

769
00:40:36,600 --> 00:40:39,040
Speaker 2: to tell him. So I went up to him and

770
00:40:39,080 --> 00:40:41,040
Speaker 2: I basically just said, you know what, pop up, I

771
00:40:41,120 --> 00:40:44,000
Speaker 2: really appreciate the fact that you've always encouraged me to

772
00:40:44,040 --> 00:40:47,120
Speaker 2: be a strong, independent woman, and I wanted to bring

773
00:40:47,160 --> 00:40:48,879
Speaker 2: something to you that really made me feel some kind

774
00:40:48,880 --> 00:40:51,760
Speaker 2: of way. And whenever you say ugly, that really impacts

775
00:40:51,800 --> 00:40:55,040
Speaker 2: me and hurts my feelings. And he was totally understanding

776
00:40:55,080 --> 00:40:57,080
Speaker 2: of that. And as you can see, I dropped his

777
00:40:57,120 --> 00:41:00,359
Speaker 2: guard by starting with the positive or what I call

778
00:41:00,440 --> 00:41:03,759
Speaker 2: the sandwich compliment, where you start with something complimentary is

779
00:41:03,800 --> 00:41:05,520
Speaker 2: to let the person's guard down so they don't get

780
00:41:05,520 --> 00:41:08,680
Speaker 2: all nervous and defensive and ready to pounce. You go

781
00:41:08,719 --> 00:41:10,840
Speaker 2: in with what you want to say using your eye statements,

782
00:41:10,840 --> 00:41:12,880
Speaker 2: and then you close out again with another compliment. So

783
00:41:12,920 --> 00:41:17,400
Speaker 2: it's literally sandwich compliment. And so that is our advice

784
00:41:17,520 --> 00:41:20,479
Speaker 2: on how to manage conflict for the non confrontational woman.

785
00:41:20,880 --> 00:41:25,000
Speaker 4: Lady, I hold you to all the notes, and just

786
00:41:25,040 --> 00:41:27,600
Speaker 4: in case you didn't, we have some new news for you.

787
00:41:28,560 --> 00:41:34,640
Speaker 4: We have created what we call her Space Sanctuary, and

788
00:41:34,680 --> 00:41:36,120
Speaker 4: that is a spot.

789
00:41:36,040 --> 00:41:39,200
Speaker 3: Within Facebook group within Facebook.

790
00:41:39,160 --> 00:41:45,520
Speaker 4: Where we open it up and create the sanctuary for healing,

791
00:41:46,200 --> 00:41:53,680
Speaker 4: for dialogue or empowerment, for building resiliency. See what I

792
00:41:53,719 --> 00:41:56,440
Speaker 4: did there, and so we want you to go on

793
00:41:56,520 --> 00:42:02,080
Speaker 4: our Facebook page, Like our Facebook page and join our group.

794
00:42:02,640 --> 00:42:07,640
Speaker 1: Thanks for joining us today in her Space. Please note

795
00:42:07,719 --> 00:42:11,680
Speaker 1: that our show may contain conversations about self help, advice,

796
00:42:12,120 --> 00:42:15,200
Speaker 1: self empowerment, and mental health, but it is by no

797
00:42:15,360 --> 00:42:18,360
Speaker 1: means meant to be a substitute for an ongoing formal

798
00:42:18,440 --> 00:42:22,600
Speaker 1: relationship with a trained mental health provider. If you or

799
00:42:22,640 --> 00:42:25,200
Speaker 1: someone you know is in need of mental health care,

800
00:42:25,560 --> 00:42:29,520
Speaker 1: please visit the Therapy for Black Girls directory Psychology today

801
00:42:30,120 --> 00:42:32,160
Speaker 1: or contact your insurance provider.

802
00:42:33,400 --> 00:42:35,480
Speaker 2: If you liked what you heard and want to keep

803
00:42:35,480 --> 00:42:40,239
Speaker 2: the conversation going, connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and

804
00:42:40,360 --> 00:42:46,120
Speaker 2: Twitter at her Space podcast or check out our website

805
00:42:46,160 --> 00:42:51,000
Speaker 2: at herspacepodcast dot com. And before we meet again, repeat

806
00:42:51,080 --> 00:42:55,560
Speaker 2: after me, I release what no longer serves me to

807
00:42:55,800 --> 00:42:58,240
Speaker 2: manifest what I desire.

808
00:43:00,440 --> 00:43:03,000
Speaker 1: Thanks for joining us. We will see you next week.

809
00:43:03,080 --> 00:43:03,360
Speaker 2: Lady