Speaker 1: I am a Yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher
Speaker 1: for some and a soft place to fall for others.
Speaker 1: I was a miserable failure in my relationships until I
Speaker 1: love myself enough to be able to share my love
Speaker 1: with other people. Welcome to the Our Spot, a production
Speaker 1: of shandaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome everybody. I
Speaker 1: am Yamla and this is the Our Spot, the place
Speaker 1: we come to talk about relationships, to examine relationships, challenges, issues, blessings.
Speaker 1: The place we come to learn the principles, the practices,
Speaker 1: the behaviors that will make our relationships more lasting, more fulfilling.
Speaker 1: We look at our relationship with everything, with ourselves, with money,
Speaker 1: with other people, and today we're looking at the dues
Speaker 1: and don'ts of relationships, the dues and don'ts of dating.
Speaker 1: We have what do you do? What don't you do?
Speaker 1: And oh my god, no they didn't. Ah, But I
Speaker 1: seem to have the impression that people are meeting, they're
Speaker 1: having sex and they don't even know each other. Is
Speaker 1: that part of dating? And if you're going out with
Speaker 1: someone and they're moving a little faster than you or
Speaker 1: slower than you would like, how do you have those
Speaker 1: conversations we're talking about dating? Does every date have to
Speaker 1: lead to marriage? Does every date have to end with
Speaker 1: you a good time and a role in the Hey,
Speaker 1: I just I don't know anymore, and I don't think
Speaker 1: I'm alone, okay, Because what are the questions that you
Speaker 1: should ask on the first date, the second date, the
Speaker 1: third date. What are the things that you need to
Speaker 1: know so that you're not three months in or six
Speaker 1: months in to find out that the person you're with
Speaker 1: as a house full of kids, or an ex wife,
Speaker 1: or lives with their mother in the basement. I mean,
Speaker 1: what do you do? How do you ask? What is
Speaker 1: the dating protocol in the twenty first century? Because people
Speaker 1: seem to be struggling. And I have a very special
Speaker 1: guest today, someone I know in love who's created for me,
Speaker 1: I think, which is a beautiful little handbook, particularly for women.
Speaker 1: But the title of the book what's real, What's not?
Speaker 1: And somewhere in between his actions will tell you everything.
Speaker 1: She's going to be my guest today, and we're going
Speaker 1: to talk about some of the things that we as
Speaker 1: women miss, some of the things that we as women
Speaker 1: need to do, some of the things that we as
Speaker 1: women forget to do anyway, I've got a caller who's
Speaker 1: got a dating do a dating don't and oh my god,
Speaker 1: know they didn't. We're going to talk about that. Welcome
Speaker 1: to the R spot. Belve it. Today we are talking
Speaker 1: about dating dues, dating don'ts and oh my god, no
Speaker 1: they didn't. And I'm sure you have a story for us.
Speaker 2: Yes. So, I'm a woman in my early twenties that's
Speaker 2: well educated, quite established, and well traveled. However, when I
Speaker 2: initially entered adulthood and I began dating around the age
Speaker 2: of about twenty, I started to realize that I'm probably
Speaker 2: not going to meet the man I'm expecting to meet.
Speaker 2: My standards at the time was that he needed to
Speaker 2: make at least middle to high six figures, be well educated,
Speaker 2: and had be well traveled, and have no children. As
Speaker 2: time went along, I never mist this mean once again.
Speaker 1: Well, okay, let's define dating because you've got a lot
Speaker 1: of not just standards, but expectations. So when you talk
Speaker 1: about dating, what is your intention for dating?
Speaker 2: When I think about dating, I think about someone that's
Speaker 2: interested in going in the adventures of life and just
Speaker 2: having fun until maybe it blossoms into something more and
Speaker 2: it becomes exclusive.
Speaker 1: Okay, So can you have an invention with a man
Speaker 1: who doesn't make six figures? No? Why?
Speaker 2: I believe that there are certain things and a certain
Speaker 2: quality of experience I want to have, and so as
Speaker 2: a result, I don't think that a man in a
Speaker 2: text break at be needs mind, will understand or be
Speaker 2: able to provide those experiences they meet what I'm already
Speaker 2: providing for myself.
Speaker 1: But you're talking about dating, not about getting married by
Speaker 1: in a house. We're talking about dating. Dating is a
Speaker 1: process of meeting people, sharing experiences, sharing thoughts. You're already
Speaker 1: limiting him to his salary and you may be missing
Speaker 1: a lot of good folks because they don't tick the
Speaker 1: boxes on your expectation sheet. You can have an adventure
Speaker 1: with a man who drives a bus. I don't know
Speaker 1: if this is a dating do or a dating don't,
Speaker 1: because I find a distinction in a dating dating and
Speaker 1: seeking a partner. Now, dating can lead to finding a partner,
Speaker 1: but dating, to me is just for the fun of it,
Speaker 1: just for the experience of it. You meet nice, great
Speaker 1: people and you get to choose Because what it sounds
Speaker 1: like to me is that you're dating criteria. You're not
Speaker 1: dating people, you're dating their salary, whether their world travel.
Speaker 1: I mean, a young man in your age, even if
Speaker 1: he's up to thirty, if he's gone to school and
Speaker 1: if he's working, he's building his career. He may have
Speaker 1: not had time to travel around the world. If he's
Speaker 1: building his career, he may be moving up the ladder.
Speaker 1: And maybe you move faster than he did. Doesn't mean
Speaker 1: he won't get up the ladder. Does that make sense?
Speaker 2: It does usually on average, I don't have much interest
Speaker 2: in men that are in my age category, just due
Speaker 2: to maturity and experience, wanting them to power he has
Speaker 2: certain experience.
Speaker 1: Okay, so you date older I prefer to, which is fine.
Speaker 1: But again, are you dating or are you looking for
Speaker 1: a partner? But dating is really about to see if
Speaker 1: you're compatible. But if you're hinging that on his salary
Speaker 1: and his travel experience, you might be missing a lot
Speaker 1: of things.
Speaker 2: No, that's a valid point. It could definitely be that
Speaker 2: I go into dating trying to see, okay, is it
Speaker 2: worth my time immediately, not really giving people a chance
Speaker 2: to prove themselves or prove I believe, improve yourself worthy.
Speaker 1: Wow, prove yourself worthy twenty four and you want someone
Speaker 1: to prove their worth to you, and you're basing your
Speaker 1: worth fully on your education, your salary, and your travel experience. Wow,
Speaker 1: which is fine. You know, for me, it's very educational
Speaker 1: because you're the New World woman and you're measuring worth
Speaker 1: and value based on paper and experience, not on heart
Speaker 1: and soul. Let me tell you a funny story. This
Speaker 1: is many, many years ago, because I got shoes older
Speaker 1: than you. But you know, so I met this man
Speaker 1: and he came for us to go out, and I'm
Speaker 1: assuming that he had a car and he didn't. So
Speaker 1: we get downstairs outside my house and he says, the
Speaker 1: bus will be here in about ten minutes. We need
Speaker 1: to get over. I said the bus. He said, yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't have a car. I said, oh okay. So anyway,
Speaker 1: we go to the corner. I'm just trying to get
Speaker 1: my brain organized here that I'm going on a date
Speaker 1: on the bus. But I was in New York City,
Speaker 1: so many many people didn't have cars. You don't need
Speaker 1: a car in New York City. So we yet we
Speaker 1: walked to the bus stop and we just start talking.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to be nice and you know, just get
Speaker 1: my brain together. We get on the bus, very nice.
Speaker 1: He paid the bus fare and we sit down, we're talking.
Speaker 1: We get off. He says, come on, we're gonna get
Speaker 1: off here. We get off and we took another bus
Speaker 1: and I said, okay, where are we going? He said,
Speaker 1: I wanted to be a surprise. I said, okay. So
Speaker 1: we get on the bus and we drive out, and
Speaker 1: we drive out to Rockaway where the Rockaway Shore is,
Speaker 1: and we get off and we walk in and there
Speaker 1: was a restaurant on the on the I guess the
Speaker 1: pier you would call it. And he had set up
Speaker 1: a table by the window and we sat there. We
Speaker 1: had the loveliest dinner and the best conversation and it
Speaker 1: was just really really sweet and I would we have
Speaker 1: never thought that somebody who rides the bus could take
Speaker 1: me on a great date. And when we finished, he
Speaker 1: called a cab and he took me home. Now I
Speaker 1: never saw him again because apparently I didn't meet his criteria. Okay,
Speaker 1: but it was a lovely, lovely evening. It was a date.
Speaker 1: I wasn't trying to, you know, build a family in
Speaker 1: the home. I didn't want to order the wedding invitations.
Speaker 1: It was a date, and it was lovely. And what
Speaker 1: I got out of that is how it feels for
Speaker 1: a man to treat you well even though he didn't
Speaker 1: have a car. But how would you feel about a
Speaker 1: man who shows up and takes you on a date
Speaker 1: on the bus. And we'll talk about that when we
Speaker 1: come back. Welcome back to the r spot. You probably
Speaker 1: wouldn't go.
Speaker 2: I would not. I'm in Dallas. In my mind, that's
Speaker 2: a part of being established. When you're not financially stable
Speaker 2: and well, you should not date. Dating calls dating is
Speaker 2: an expense.
Speaker 1: He was established. And when I learned that the dinner
Speaker 1: was that his sister died in a tragic car accident
Speaker 1: and he had a driving phobia. But I would have
Speaker 1: never learned that had I not gotten on that bus.
Speaker 1: A lot of things look good on the outside, but
Speaker 1: they're not good on the inside.
Speaker 2: I hear you.
Speaker 1: I'd rather have a good inside and an outside that
Speaker 1: can be cleaned up than a great outside and a
Speaker 1: foul inside. And who's to say that a man who
Speaker 1: has a good an expensive car, and a good job
Speaker 1: doesn't have a cracked heart? Which would you rather have?
Speaker 2: I would rather have good insights versus the ESTHETI but
Speaker 2: your manipulity and a narcissis.
Speaker 1: Don't miss an opportunity to know who somebody is before
Speaker 1: you evaluate their circumstances. Date the person, not the criteria.
Speaker 1: I don't know if you heard about it, but a
Speaker 1: couple of months ago it was a big hooplah with
Speaker 1: me and someone when I asked her, would you date
Speaker 1: a bus driver? Did you hear about that?
Speaker 2: I did hear about that. I would not date a
Speaker 2: bus driver, I said, would you date?
Speaker 1: Really?
Speaker 2: I would not? Wow? Tell me why I would not
Speaker 2: date a bus driver for the fact that the lifestyles
Speaker 2: don't align. There's no way that a bus driver's lifestyle
Speaker 2: is going to align with mine, and I like to
Speaker 2: enjoy the fruit.
Speaker 1: What about if he's driving the bus in the day
Speaker 1: and going to law school at night.
Speaker 2: What about that I'm not looking for a man that's
Speaker 2: in process.
Speaker 1: At twenty four. Well, that's true because you said you're
Speaker 1: layed older. Okay, yeah, because a twenty four to maybe
Speaker 1: twenty nine thirty year old man, he may be in process.
Speaker 1: And you know, what if that's your standard and if
Speaker 1: you're comfortable with that. But I I also see you
Speaker 1: say not going to meet the man I expect. So
Speaker 1: a you want to shift that because you have a
Speaker 1: different age criteria and a thirty one, thirty two, thirty
Speaker 1: three year old man can be a doctor, can be
Speaker 1: a lawyer, can have his own business. Hell, there's some
Speaker 1: twenty five year old man out there making millions on YouTube,
Speaker 1: but he may not have all the other bells and
Speaker 1: whistles that you desire.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I've in any experience younger man's just are not
Speaker 2: they're not.
Speaker 1: I want to talk to you when you're thirty, okay,
Speaker 1: because there are out there God didn't make God didn't
Speaker 1: make one of anything. So there's a young man out
Speaker 1: there your age who's done exactly what you've done. He's traveled,
Speaker 1: he's done his education, he's making a decent salary. He
Speaker 1: may not be black. Are you open to that?
Speaker 2: Uh huh, that's a shaky ground.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: It is to ask me to be open to the
Speaker 2: idea of dating someone who's not black. I don't know
Speaker 2: if I can do it.
Speaker 1: Okay. See, I come from the school where and again
Speaker 1: I know you are a new age woman. I appreciate that,
Speaker 1: and I want you to get it exactly as you
Speaker 1: want it because I believe you can have it all.
Speaker 1: I really do. I just also know from experience that
Speaker 1: when you put the physical and the shiny objects above
Speaker 1: the foundation, the heart and soul, nine times out of ten,
Speaker 1: it's not going to turn out well for you. Nine
Speaker 1: times out of ten it's not. So here's another dating
Speaker 1: do for you. Okay, since we're talking dating dus and don't. Okay,
Speaker 1: keep doing it your way and continue to observe. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and see how it works. And if it's not working,
Speaker 1: do be willing to shift, Do be willing to change,
Speaker 1: Do be willing to look at something different. But that
Speaker 1: probably for you won't happen until you're around twenty seven
Speaker 1: to twenty eight when you say, oh damn, this ain't working,
Speaker 1: or you'll because your head and your heart are in
Speaker 1: alignment and this is what you want, it may work.
Speaker 1: So just keep doing it your way. I'm not trying
Speaker 1: to talk you out of your way. I just want
Speaker 1: to give you some other things to think about. So
Speaker 1: do have your standards. Yeah, do have a clear vision
Speaker 1: and observe, and do be willing to date a person
Speaker 1: not a paycheck. Please, just do be willing to do that,
Speaker 1: even if it's a bus driver. Yes, and you're not
Speaker 1: doing anything wrong. The question is is it working? That's
Speaker 1: the question. Okay, okay, thank you, thank you, my love,
Speaker 1: thank you, good luck to you. There really is a
Speaker 1: difference in the world, and I'm not really sure I
Speaker 1: know what it is. This is a beautiful, powerful young
Speaker 1: woman who has some real clear criteria or standards of
Speaker 1: what it is that she wants. I'm just not sure
Speaker 1: that if that's the only thing she uses as her
Speaker 1: dating criteria, dating adventure, fun having, I really want to
Speaker 1: encourage us to look at the inside. Also in addition
Speaker 1: to the outside. Welcome back to the art spot. We're
Speaker 1: looking today at dating dues, dating don'ts and oh my god,
Speaker 1: no they didn't. My next guest has written a lovely
Speaker 1: little book. It's just lovely. I just find it so exciting.
Speaker 1: What's real, what's not? And somewhere in between his actions
Speaker 1: will tell you everything. That's the title of the book.
Speaker 1: She says here, you should not be in a relationship
Speaker 1: and still feel alone. He is not present and neither
Speaker 1: are you get clear about why. And I'm just wondering
Speaker 1: how many of us date someone who checks all the boxes,
Speaker 1: fits all the criteria. But there's something missing, but will
Speaker 1: stay because the boxes are checked. My guest is Zakiah Fatig,
Speaker 1: and I want to talk to her about some dating
Speaker 1: deus and don'ts and how it aligns with what she's
Speaker 1: offering us in the book. Zakiah, Welcome to the R Spot.
Speaker 1: I just want to start here, which has so much
Speaker 1: to do with what we're talking about today, dating dus,
Speaker 1: dating don'ts and oh my god, no they didn't. You
Speaker 1: have looking for more. He's giving you what he wants
Speaker 1: to give. You can accept that or not. You get
Speaker 1: to choose what's best for you. Don't hurt yourself trying
Speaker 1: to fit in somewhere, you don't be long. But what
Speaker 1: happens if he meets all your standards, all your little boxes,
Speaker 1: and you still want more and you're not getting it?
Speaker 1: What do you do?
Speaker 2: Then?
Speaker 1: Welcome to the art Spot, Psakiah.
Speaker 3: Thank you, thank you for having me. What do you
Speaker 3: do then when he checks all the boxes and you're
Speaker 3: still looking for more and he's not giving it to you?
Speaker 3: So you have to decide what is important, what your
Speaker 3: values are and what you need to be able to
Speaker 3: be in a sustaining, healthy relationship. And so if he
Speaker 3: is not giving you what you need.
Speaker 4: You have to choose you.
Speaker 3: So often we don't, you know, we make a commitment
Speaker 3: and we forget that we have a choice.
Speaker 1: You say, here, be his friend first. Yeah, and he'll
Speaker 1: appreciate and understand the lover in you much more.
Speaker 4: Yes.
Speaker 1: So I wonder if she can, if young women today
Speaker 1: can be friends with men who are in process as
Speaker 1: opposed to men who've already arrived.
Speaker 3: I think one of the things that we run into
Speaker 3: is that we want it now. It has to be,
Speaker 3: you know, we want the man now, that no one
Speaker 3: wants to take the time to get to know someone,
Speaker 3: and people forget that we're still always learning ourselves, We're
Speaker 3: still always evolving, and so the standards and the values
Speaker 3: that you set a year ago may shift within six
Speaker 3: months or the next year based on your life experiences.
Speaker 3: And if you don't have a friendship place, then how
Speaker 3: do you communicate or share with that person I've elevated
Speaker 3: or I've shifted and trust that they will shift, elevate or.
Speaker 4: Meet you you know where you are.
Speaker 3: If there's no friendship, if there's no understanding of who
Speaker 3: the other person is, I think we get caught up
Speaker 3: in you know what I used to call in my
Speaker 3: younger years, the girl boy stuff, you know, the honeymoon phase,
Speaker 3: the you know, I'm head over hills and all googly eyed.
Speaker 3: He makes me feel this or he makes me feel that.
Speaker 3: But when that is gone and there's no friendship, what
Speaker 3: do you have left to sustain the relationship with when
Speaker 3: you've not gotten to know the person, when everything has
Speaker 3: been surface level? How you make me feel in the moment,
Speaker 3: how you showed up in the moment.
Speaker 4: But what motivates or inspires you? What are your values?
Speaker 2: You know?
Speaker 3: Do you honor your mother? Do you take care of
Speaker 3: your children? How do you respect when you are financially stable?
Speaker 3: How do you respond when things do not work out
Speaker 3: according to your plan? And can I line up with that?
Speaker 3: How can I support you? Am I willing to support you?
Speaker 1: But in terms of dating, because we're looking at dating dues,
Speaker 1: dating don'ts I think he should have standards and she
Speaker 1: should have standards. So a dating do is have standards?
Speaker 1: Maybe it's the definition of standards in what's real, what's not?
Speaker 1: And somewhere in between. You say this, he will want
Speaker 1: you to have high standards about yourself, to dress a
Speaker 1: certain way and represent him well. Meanwhile, he's out there
Speaker 1: cheating with a woman who has no standards, no self
Speaker 1: respects respect, and doesn't know her worth. This may make
Speaker 1: you feel inadequate and not enough, but you are enough
Speaker 1: and you deserve more. So let's look at dating for
Speaker 1: a moment. How do you develop them? How do you
Speaker 1: create them? And again, because I think in today's world
Speaker 1: it's very different for young women who've finished college who
Speaker 1: walk into, you know, a corporate or executive position, how
Speaker 1: do you set standards for who you want to date
Speaker 1: if they have no standards or if you have, you know,
Speaker 1: low standards, how do you do that?
Speaker 3: Well, the thing is looking at where the standards do
Speaker 3: or don't come from. So your last caller, she was
Speaker 3: twenty four years old, and so you have some people
Speaker 3: who set standards based on their experiences. Well, she may
Speaker 3: have not had minny, but she may have had a
Speaker 3: father and a mother who were married and together, and
Speaker 3: she may be basing her standards off of how the
Speaker 3: father treated the mother or how the father treated her
Speaker 3: as she grew up. So that may be something that
Speaker 3: she's basing the standards on, in addition to what she
Speaker 3: has learned or grown to like as a young adult,
Speaker 3: and so you know, the standards may be based off
Speaker 3: of that. But for someone such as myself, for one
Speaker 3: who has gone through many experiences, the standards are based
Speaker 3: on the things that you've learned throughout your dating experiences,
Speaker 3: your marriage experiences, and just the wisdom of being an adult.
Speaker 1: So is it correct to say that a standard is
Speaker 1: what you preferred to experience because I see it working
Speaker 1: the other way too. When a lot of people I
Speaker 1: talk to, they have low standards or no standards. They
Speaker 1: go into a dating situation and they just accept whatever
Speaker 1: shows up, and then two years later they're complaining about it.
Speaker 1: Now that they've got a kid in a half, you
Speaker 1: know they're complaining about it. So a dating do is
Speaker 1: have preferences based on who you are, not based on
Speaker 1: what you've seen or what you make up. Would you
Speaker 1: say that's that's accurate, that your standard is your preference.
Speaker 3: Yeah, Pence, I think you know what most people are
Speaker 3: forgetting is what they value, because the value is really
Speaker 3: what you're wanting.
Speaker 4: Because he can have all the money in.
Speaker 3: The world, but if he if you, if you value family,
Speaker 3: if you value quality time, but he's out here chasing
Speaker 3: a dollar, then are you really fulfilled in that relationship.
Speaker 3: Are you really getting what you desire?
Speaker 2: You know?
Speaker 3: I think for dating, you really have to be willing
Speaker 3: to use dating as practice, get clear about what you
Speaker 3: want to really exercise asking for what you want, being
Speaker 3: willing to remove yourself if it's not what you want,
Speaker 3: if it doesn't align with your standards or your values.
Speaker 4: And I think again.
Speaker 3: It goes back to people want a relationship now, but
Speaker 3: they're not willing to put in the work for what
Speaker 3: sustains the relationship. You know, they want to call someone,
Speaker 3: they want to be exclusive right away, but you're exclusive
Speaker 3: with someone that you haven't taken the time to know
Speaker 3: or become.
Speaker 4: Friends with it.
Speaker 3: So I think the relationship piece is about practicing.
Speaker 1: Dating dating things.
Speaker 3: Yes, the dating is about practicing what you do want
Speaker 3: and what you don't want.
Speaker 1: And dating can have standards, not demands. I think that
Speaker 1: you know, we make up. I want him to be
Speaker 1: you know, six ' to two. I wanted to be single,
Speaker 1: I wanted to be this that, blah blah blah. Those
Speaker 1: are standings for me. A demand is he's got to
Speaker 1: be able. Well, what my guests said, he's got to
Speaker 1: be able to keep me in the lifestyle to which
Speaker 1: I am accustomed as opposed to. If dating is grown
Speaker 1: going into commitment, then that standard could become a demand,
Speaker 1: and I don't think demands work.
Speaker 2: Well.
Speaker 1: You know, if we're going out, it would be nice
Speaker 1: for you to pay all the time, but I'm not
Speaker 1: going to demand that you do. Is it a dating
Speaker 1: don't for a man to say I paid the last
Speaker 1: three times? Can you pay this time? Is that a
Speaker 1: don't for most women?
Speaker 4: Yes, it is a don't.
Speaker 3: I personally why I personally would want a man to
Speaker 3: allow me to offer versus suggesting that I should pay. Yeah,
Speaker 3: So I think the approach, the approach is important. Okay,
Speaker 3: so I you know I think that that is you know,
Speaker 3: I paid the last bill, you should pay this one.
Speaker 3: You know that that could be a turnoff. It would
Speaker 3: be a good turnoff for me. Okay, but I'm not
Speaker 3: unwilling to pay the bill.
Speaker 1: Ok got it.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 1: Here's another thing about dating that I'm just wondering. And
Speaker 1: you address this and what's real and what's not. I'm
Speaker 1: wondering in dating, just the dating and then growing into relationships,
Speaker 1: do we make other people responsible for our happiness and
Speaker 1: the fulfillment of our dreams. Yes, I wonder if that's
Speaker 1: you know, a dating don't don't make because see, I
Speaker 1: can be happy if you can't pay for my nails,
Speaker 1: or if you don't pay for our trip to Paris,
Speaker 1: I can be happy. I'd like you to pay for it.
Speaker 1: I'd like you to suggest it and recommend it. But
Speaker 1: we're dating, and even when we get deeper into the relationship,
Speaker 1: I know you. I know that you're paying off your
Speaker 1: school loan. I know that you're helping your sister raise
Speaker 1: her kids after her divorce. So you may have those
Speaker 1: responsibilities and not be able to pay for us to
Speaker 1: go to Paris. Do I dump you because you can't
Speaker 1: pay for us to go to Paris and that's going
Speaker 1: to make me happy?
Speaker 3: Well, it's not his jobs to make you happy. His
Speaker 3: job is to thank you to your happiness. The happiness
Speaker 3: is your work. It's your job because if you are
Speaker 3: depending on him to make you happy, that means that
Speaker 3: he gets to dictate how you feel.
Speaker 1: We'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back
Speaker 1: to the art spot. Let's get back to the conversation.
Speaker 1: Here's something else, and this is about dating. He may
Speaker 1: still be searching for what he wants and needs in
Speaker 1: and from a woman. If he's not committing, he's clear
Speaker 1: that it's not you. Now for me, that's a dating situation.
Speaker 1: But when should he commit? Y'all have had four dates.
Speaker 1: Maybe it's over the course of you know, three four weeks.
Speaker 1: Is he supposed to commit then? Or are you still
Speaker 1: learning each other? Are you still growing?
Speaker 3: I believe you're still learning and growing. I mean you've
Speaker 3: had I mean you hear these stories of people who
Speaker 3: have dated for a week and go off and get
Speaker 3: married and then they're together for years. You know. They
Speaker 3: say when a man knows, he knows, and I think
Speaker 3: the same is true for a woman. You know, there
Speaker 3: are these instances where you meet someone and you just know.
Speaker 3: But if they have had experiences of misjudging in the past,
Speaker 3: or if they are still getting clear about what they want,
Speaker 3: what they desire, what they need, then until they're clear,
Speaker 3: no commitment should be made. There can be agreements, but
Speaker 3: no commitment should be made.
Speaker 1: See that's why I stay home because this boggles my brain.
Speaker 1: I just I can't even I'm like, you're human, I'm human,
Speaker 1: you like me, I like you. What are we working towards?
Speaker 2: Well?
Speaker 3: Because you have people who are dating to marry, you know,
Speaker 3: dating to get married, dating to have a lifelong partner,
Speaker 3: and then you have people who just want to date
Speaker 3: who are not interested in a long term relationship. So
Speaker 3: I think that it's very important to get clear about
Speaker 3: who you're dating and what their intentions are and what
Speaker 3: it is that they're wanting.
Speaker 1: Okay, so that's a dating Do be clear about why
Speaker 1: you're dating, and if you're dating to find a partner,
Speaker 1: then have standards not demands. That's a dating do would
Speaker 1: you say that, yes, be clear about who you're dating,
Speaker 1: get to know the person, and don't just check your
Speaker 1: boxes off and dismiss them. Because I hear this a lot.
Speaker 1: I don't want to waste my time.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And I said to look at dating as practice,
Speaker 3: because it's never a waste of time. We have these standards,
Speaker 3: or we have all these things that we want in
Speaker 3: the relationship, and we base those things off of what
Speaker 3: we've been through in previous relationships or experiences. But just
Speaker 3: because you're wanting a thing doesn't mean that you know
Speaker 3: what to do or you'll know what to do with
Speaker 3: it when you get it.
Speaker 1: You say in what's real what's not? If he's not
Speaker 1: for you. You will know it, just don't act like
Speaker 1: you don't know it when it becomes clear. So if
Speaker 1: you're dating, don't continue to date. If you're clear this
Speaker 1: is not the person for you. Would that be a
Speaker 1: dating don't?
Speaker 4: That is a dating don't.
Speaker 1: Okay, But I.
Speaker 3: Found this other one that we talked about earlier about
Speaker 3: it spoke about it being his job to make you happy.
Speaker 3: It says it's not his job to save you, fix you,
Speaker 3: or make right all the hurt, disappointment, and pain another
Speaker 3: man has caused you. That is your work and your job.
Speaker 1: He can well, let's flip it. Wait a minute, let's
Speaker 1: flip it. Okay, So it's not your job to you know,
Speaker 1: his job to save you, and flip it. It's not
Speaker 1: your job to save him.
Speaker 4: Absolutely.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 3: The book was written from my perspective as a woman,
Speaker 3: but it is for everyone, you know, the male to female,
Speaker 3: the female to male, the male to male, female to female.
Speaker 3: You know, it is not our job to save or
Speaker 3: fix anyone. It is our job to do our work.
Speaker 3: It is our job to do our healing. Now, your
Speaker 3: partner or the person you're dating can support you in
Speaker 3: the process, but we have to stop asking people to
Speaker 3: do what's impossible and do for ourselves what we are
Speaker 3: expecting someone else to do.
Speaker 1: So here's a dating do do your own personal work
Speaker 1: and don't make the other person responsible for it. So
Speaker 1: that's a do and a don't combine. Do your personal
Speaker 1: work and don't date. Don't date to fill a void.
Speaker 1: Date with a clear vision of what my guest said
Speaker 1: the interested in adventure, dating to have fun, dating to practice,
Speaker 1: dating to meet new people, dating to explore possibilities. These
Speaker 1: are all for me dating dues and looking at what's
Speaker 1: real and what's not. If you see red flags, pay
Speaker 1: attention to them. If you're not getting what you want,
Speaker 1: pay attention to it. But also be spontaneous. Be spontaneous
Speaker 1: and be willing to go in a direction that you
Speaker 1: didn't think of or that you didn't know was possible.
Speaker 1: For me, is a dating do. Remember you're healing, they're healing.
Speaker 1: We all have, you know, relationship nightmares. But just be
Speaker 1: willing to meet the person and not the boxes on
Speaker 1: your piece of paper.
Speaker 3: Yes, and you know, have your standards in place, make
Speaker 3: a list your deal breakers. You know the things that
Speaker 3: you want and desire. You know you can have those things,
Speaker 3: you have to first bet them if you're looking for
Speaker 3: a long term relationship or working towards being them.
Speaker 1: So don't date with the expectation of permanency. Do date
Speaker 1: with an open mind, Do date with a vision, but
Speaker 1: not a requirement. Because I think people can date for
Speaker 1: three four months and immediately think that has to become
Speaker 1: a commitment. I don't think that that's always a good
Speaker 1: way to go.
Speaker 3: I would offer to have fun in the process of dating.
Speaker 3: Practice you know, practice the things that you didn't do
Speaker 3: in your previous relationships, having a strong yes, having a
Speaker 3: strong note, being vulnerable, you know and knowe that just
Speaker 3: because you met someone doesn't mean that they have to
Speaker 3: be the one.
Speaker 1: And the other thing I want to say is, let's
Speaker 1: call a thing a thing. Okay, if you're dating to
Speaker 1: meet somebody, date to meet somebody. If you're dating because
Speaker 1: you're interested in the possibility of a long term relationship,
Speaker 1: be clear about that. If you're dating to get laid,
Speaker 1: don't think that getting laid is going to turn into
Speaker 1: a permanent relationship just because y'all had sex. That's a
Speaker 1: no note for me. That's why I said, be clear
Speaker 1: about why you're dating. Be clear about who you're dating.
Speaker 1: For me, dating is like touch driving a car. I
Speaker 1: like this, I like that. You know I don't like that,
Speaker 1: So let me go back to my original list.
Speaker 4: Okay, know that upgrades are possible.
Speaker 3: You know in your car, you know, you see what
Speaker 3: you like, you see what you want, and it may
Speaker 3: be missing a thing or two.
Speaker 4: You can upgrade, You can ask for what you want.
Speaker 1: Yeah, sometimes you think he's the one because of how
Speaker 1: you feel when you're with him or her, and because
Speaker 1: of the strong desire you have to be with him.
Speaker 1: When you're not the one, Patience is required, be present,
Speaker 1: let things flow, and let go of your need to
Speaker 1: control the pace and the process of the experience. What's real,
Speaker 1: what's not, and somewhere in between his actions or her
Speaker 1: actions will tell you everything. Thank you, Zakiah for these
Speaker 1: really great dating dues, dating notes, and some of the
Speaker 1: things we can experience along the way. Thanks so much.
Speaker 4: Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1: Mm hmm listen. Are the seats comfortable? Do you like
Speaker 1: the way it looks? Will it fit your lifestyle? Can
Speaker 1: you afford it? Those are the things that you would
Speaker 1: ask yourself about a car. Ask the same things about
Speaker 1: the people that you're dating before you expect it to
Speaker 1: turn into a long term experience or relationship. But it's dating,
Speaker 1: it's an adventure. It's temporary until the time or the
Speaker 1: moment comes when you're ready to shift. And then in
Speaker 1: that moment, have the conversation. And don't just walk around
Speaker 1: with expectations that because you'll have been going out for two, three, four, five,
Speaker 1: six months, that is shifting into something else. Don't wait
Speaker 1: for a year waiting for the person to commit to
Speaker 1: you and you haven't asked the question, Okay, what are
Speaker 1: we doing here? Are we gonna make this long term?
Speaker 1: Are we making this monogamous? Are we committed? And depending
Speaker 1: upon what you get from that conversation, then you make
Speaker 1: your determination. The other person is not responsible for your happiness.
Speaker 1: Do have your standards or your preferences. Make it a preference,
Speaker 1: not a demand. Don't settle for something you don't want,
Speaker 1: but be sure you're wanting it because that's your preference,
Speaker 1: not because you expect the other person or value the
Speaker 1: other person or me the other person based on their
Speaker 1: ability and capacity to meet your standards. I want to
Speaker 1: know if you have a vision for you, not for me.
Speaker 1: Do you have a vision for yourself. Does your life
Speaker 1: have value and meaning? Before I get to how much
Speaker 1: you're earning and what you can do for or give
Speaker 1: to me, I want to know how you're being with yourself.
Speaker 1: And dating is complicated, it really really is. But the
Speaker 1: clearer we are about who we are and what we want,
Speaker 1: what we desire, the easier it will be to spot it,
Speaker 1: receive it, or create it on a date. Dating dus,
Speaker 1: dating don'ts and oh my god, no they didn't. I
Speaker 1: hope you've heard something today that you can use in
Speaker 1: your dating life and your world or wherever it is
Speaker 1: that you are. Boy. I just I want us to
Speaker 1: continue to grow and talk, and I'm really gonna have
Speaker 1: that conversation. I want men to hear women. I want
Speaker 1: women to hear men, and then I want them to
Speaker 1: talk to each other so we can get this dating
Speaker 1: party back on track. Thanks for tuning in. I'll be
Speaker 1: back next week. In the meantime, stay in peace and
Speaker 1: not in pieces. By bye. The R Spot is a
Speaker 1: production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more
Speaker 1: podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite show