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Speaker 1: I am a Yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher

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Speaker 1: for some and a soft place to fall for others.

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Speaker 1: I was a miserable failure in my relationships until I

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Speaker 1: love myself enough to be able to share my love

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Speaker 1: with other people. Welcome to the Our Spot, a production

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Speaker 1: of shandaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome everybody. I

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Speaker 1: am Yamla and this is the Our Spot, the place

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Speaker 1: we come to talk about relationships, to examine relationships, challenges, issues, blessings.

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Speaker 1: The place we come to learn the principles, the practices,

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Speaker 1: the behaviors that will make our relationships more lasting, more fulfilling.

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Speaker 1: We look at our relationship with everything, with ourselves, with money,

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Speaker 1: with other people, and today we're looking at the dues

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Speaker 1: and don'ts of relationships, the dues and don'ts of dating.

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Speaker 1: We have what do you do? What don't you do?

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Speaker 1: And oh my god, no they didn't. Ah, But I

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Speaker 1: seem to have the impression that people are meeting, they're

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Speaker 1: having sex and they don't even know each other. Is

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Speaker 1: that part of dating? And if you're going out with

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Speaker 1: someone and they're moving a little faster than you or

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Speaker 1: slower than you would like, how do you have those

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Speaker 1: conversations we're talking about dating? Does every date have to

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Speaker 1: lead to marriage? Does every date have to end with

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Speaker 1: you a good time and a role in the Hey,

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Speaker 1: I just I don't know anymore, and I don't think

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Speaker 1: I'm alone, okay, Because what are the questions that you

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Speaker 1: should ask on the first date, the second date, the

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Speaker 1: third date. What are the things that you need to

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Speaker 1: know so that you're not three months in or six

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Speaker 1: months in to find out that the person you're with

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Speaker 1: as a house full of kids, or an ex wife,

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Speaker 1: or lives with their mother in the basement. I mean,

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Speaker 1: what do you do? How do you ask? What is

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Speaker 1: the dating protocol in the twenty first century? Because people

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Speaker 1: seem to be struggling. And I have a very special

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Speaker 1: guest today, someone I know in love who's created for me,

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Speaker 1: I think, which is a beautiful little handbook, particularly for women.

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Speaker 1: But the title of the book what's real, What's not?

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Speaker 1: And somewhere in between his actions will tell you everything.

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Speaker 1: She's going to be my guest today, and we're going

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Speaker 1: to talk about some of the things that we as

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Speaker 1: women miss, some of the things that we as women

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Speaker 1: need to do, some of the things that we as

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Speaker 1: women forget to do anyway, I've got a caller who's

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Speaker 1: got a dating do a dating don't and oh my god,

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Speaker 1: know they didn't. We're going to talk about that. Welcome

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Speaker 1: to the R spot. Belve it. Today we are talking

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Speaker 1: about dating dues, dating don'ts and oh my god, no

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Speaker 1: they didn't. And I'm sure you have a story for us.

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Speaker 2: Yes. So, I'm a woman in my early twenties that's

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Speaker 2: well educated, quite established, and well traveled. However, when I

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Speaker 2: initially entered adulthood and I began dating around the age

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Speaker 2: of about twenty, I started to realize that I'm probably

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Speaker 2: not going to meet the man I'm expecting to meet.

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Speaker 2: My standards at the time was that he needed to

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Speaker 2: make at least middle to high six figures, be well educated,

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Speaker 2: and had be well traveled, and have no children. As

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Speaker 2: time went along, I never mist this mean once again.

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Speaker 1: Well, okay, let's define dating because you've got a lot

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Speaker 1: of not just standards, but expectations. So when you talk

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Speaker 1: about dating, what is your intention for dating?

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Speaker 2: When I think about dating, I think about someone that's

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Speaker 2: interested in going in the adventures of life and just

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Speaker 2: having fun until maybe it blossoms into something more and

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Speaker 2: it becomes exclusive.

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Speaker 1: Okay, So can you have an invention with a man

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Speaker 1: who doesn't make six figures? No? Why?

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Speaker 2: I believe that there are certain things and a certain

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Speaker 2: quality of experience I want to have, and so as

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Speaker 2: a result, I don't think that a man in a

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Speaker 2: text break at be needs mind, will understand or be

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Speaker 2: able to provide those experiences they meet what I'm already

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Speaker 2: providing for myself.

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Speaker 1: But you're talking about dating, not about getting married by

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Speaker 1: in a house. We're talking about dating. Dating is a

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Speaker 1: process of meeting people, sharing experiences, sharing thoughts. You're already

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Speaker 1: limiting him to his salary and you may be missing

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Speaker 1: a lot of good folks because they don't tick the

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Speaker 1: boxes on your expectation sheet. You can have an adventure

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Speaker 1: with a man who drives a bus. I don't know

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Speaker 1: if this is a dating do or a dating don't,

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Speaker 1: because I find a distinction in a dating dating and

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Speaker 1: seeking a partner. Now, dating can lead to finding a partner,

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Speaker 1: but dating, to me is just for the fun of it,

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Speaker 1: just for the experience of it. You meet nice, great

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Speaker 1: people and you get to choose Because what it sounds

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Speaker 1: like to me is that you're dating criteria. You're not

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Speaker 1: dating people, you're dating their salary, whether their world travel.

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Speaker 1: I mean, a young man in your age, even if

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Speaker 1: he's up to thirty, if he's gone to school and

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Speaker 1: if he's working, he's building his career. He may have

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Speaker 1: not had time to travel around the world. If he's

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Speaker 1: building his career, he may be moving up the ladder.

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Speaker 1: And maybe you move faster than he did. Doesn't mean

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Speaker 1: he won't get up the ladder. Does that make sense?

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Speaker 2: It does usually on average, I don't have much interest

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Speaker 2: in men that are in my age category, just due

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Speaker 2: to maturity and experience, wanting them to power he has

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Speaker 2: certain experience.

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Speaker 1: Okay, so you date older I prefer to, which is fine.

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Speaker 1: But again, are you dating or are you looking for

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Speaker 1: a partner? But dating is really about to see if

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Speaker 1: you're compatible. But if you're hinging that on his salary

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Speaker 1: and his travel experience, you might be missing a lot

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Speaker 1: of things.

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Speaker 2: No, that's a valid point. It could definitely be that

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Speaker 2: I go into dating trying to see, okay, is it

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Speaker 2: worth my time immediately, not really giving people a chance

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Speaker 2: to prove themselves or prove I believe, improve yourself worthy.

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Speaker 1: Wow, prove yourself worthy twenty four and you want someone

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Speaker 1: to prove their worth to you, and you're basing your

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Speaker 1: worth fully on your education, your salary, and your travel experience. Wow,

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Speaker 1: which is fine. You know, for me, it's very educational

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Speaker 1: because you're the New World woman and you're measuring worth

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Speaker 1: and value based on paper and experience, not on heart

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Speaker 1: and soul. Let me tell you a funny story. This

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Speaker 1: is many, many years ago, because I got shoes older

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Speaker 1: than you. But you know, so I met this man

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Speaker 1: and he came for us to go out, and I'm

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Speaker 1: assuming that he had a car and he didn't. So

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Speaker 1: we get downstairs outside my house and he says, the

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Speaker 1: bus will be here in about ten minutes. We need

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Speaker 1: to get over. I said the bus. He said, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I don't have a car. I said, oh okay. So anyway,

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Speaker 1: we go to the corner. I'm just trying to get

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Speaker 1: my brain organized here that I'm going on a date

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Speaker 1: on the bus. But I was in New York City,

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Speaker 1: so many many people didn't have cars. You don't need

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Speaker 1: a car in New York City. So we yet we

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Speaker 1: walked to the bus stop and we just start talking.

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Speaker 1: I'm trying to be nice and you know, just get

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Speaker 1: my brain together. We get on the bus, very nice.

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Speaker 1: He paid the bus fare and we sit down, we're talking.

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Speaker 1: We get off. He says, come on, we're gonna get

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Speaker 1: off here. We get off and we took another bus

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Speaker 1: and I said, okay, where are we going? He said,

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Speaker 1: I wanted to be a surprise. I said, okay. So

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Speaker 1: we get on the bus and we drive out, and

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Speaker 1: we drive out to Rockaway where the Rockaway Shore is,

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Speaker 1: and we get off and we walk in and there

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Speaker 1: was a restaurant on the on the I guess the

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Speaker 1: pier you would call it. And he had set up

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Speaker 1: a table by the window and we sat there. We

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Speaker 1: had the loveliest dinner and the best conversation and it

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Speaker 1: was just really really sweet and I would we have

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Speaker 1: never thought that somebody who rides the bus could take

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Speaker 1: me on a great date. And when we finished, he

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Speaker 1: called a cab and he took me home. Now I

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Speaker 1: never saw him again because apparently I didn't meet his criteria. Okay,

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Speaker 1: but it was a lovely, lovely evening. It was a date.

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Speaker 1: I wasn't trying to, you know, build a family in

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Speaker 1: the home. I didn't want to order the wedding invitations.

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Speaker 1: It was a date, and it was lovely. And what

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Speaker 1: I got out of that is how it feels for

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Speaker 1: a man to treat you well even though he didn't

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Speaker 1: have a car. But how would you feel about a

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Speaker 1: man who shows up and takes you on a date

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Speaker 1: on the bus. And we'll talk about that when we

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Speaker 1: come back. Welcome back to the r spot. You probably

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Speaker 1: wouldn't go.

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Speaker 2: I would not. I'm in Dallas. In my mind, that's

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Speaker 2: a part of being established. When you're not financially stable

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Speaker 2: and well, you should not date. Dating calls dating is

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Speaker 2: an expense.

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Speaker 1: He was established. And when I learned that the dinner

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Speaker 1: was that his sister died in a tragic car accident

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Speaker 1: and he had a driving phobia. But I would have

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Speaker 1: never learned that had I not gotten on that bus.

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Speaker 1: A lot of things look good on the outside, but

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Speaker 1: they're not good on the inside.

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Speaker 2: I hear you.

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Speaker 1: I'd rather have a good inside and an outside that

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Speaker 1: can be cleaned up than a great outside and a

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Speaker 1: foul inside. And who's to say that a man who

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Speaker 1: has a good an expensive car, and a good job

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Speaker 1: doesn't have a cracked heart? Which would you rather have?

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Speaker 2: I would rather have good insights versus the ESTHETI but

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Speaker 2: your manipulity and a narcissis.

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Speaker 1: Don't miss an opportunity to know who somebody is before

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Speaker 1: you evaluate their circumstances. Date the person, not the criteria.

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Speaker 1: I don't know if you heard about it, but a

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Speaker 1: couple of months ago it was a big hooplah with

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Speaker 1: me and someone when I asked her, would you date

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Speaker 1: a bus driver? Did you hear about that?

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Speaker 2: I did hear about that. I would not date a

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Speaker 2: bus driver, I said, would you date?

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Speaker 1: Really?

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Speaker 2: I would not? Wow? Tell me why I would not

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Speaker 2: date a bus driver for the fact that the lifestyles

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Speaker 2: don't align. There's no way that a bus driver's lifestyle

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Speaker 2: is going to align with mine, and I like to

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Speaker 2: enjoy the fruit.

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Speaker 1: What about if he's driving the bus in the day

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Speaker 1: and going to law school at night.

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Speaker 2: What about that I'm not looking for a man that's

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Speaker 2: in process.

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Speaker 1: At twenty four. Well, that's true because you said you're

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Speaker 1: layed older. Okay, yeah, because a twenty four to maybe

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Speaker 1: twenty nine thirty year old man, he may be in process.

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Speaker 1: And you know, what if that's your standard and if

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Speaker 1: you're comfortable with that. But I I also see you

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Speaker 1: say not going to meet the man I expect. So

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Speaker 1: a you want to shift that because you have a

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Speaker 1: different age criteria and a thirty one, thirty two, thirty

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Speaker 1: three year old man can be a doctor, can be

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Speaker 1: a lawyer, can have his own business. Hell, there's some

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Speaker 1: twenty five year old man out there making millions on YouTube,

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Speaker 1: but he may not have all the other bells and

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Speaker 1: whistles that you desire.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I've in any experience younger man's just are not

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Speaker 2: they're not.

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Speaker 1: I want to talk to you when you're thirty, okay,

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Speaker 1: because there are out there God didn't make God didn't

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Speaker 1: make one of anything. So there's a young man out

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Speaker 1: there your age who's done exactly what you've done. He's traveled,

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Speaker 1: he's done his education, he's making a decent salary. He

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Speaker 1: may not be black. Are you open to that?

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Speaker 2: Uh huh, that's a shaky ground.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: It is to ask me to be open to the

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Speaker 2: idea of dating someone who's not black. I don't know

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Speaker 2: if I can do it.

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Speaker 1: Okay. See, I come from the school where and again

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Speaker 1: I know you are a new age woman. I appreciate that,

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Speaker 1: and I want you to get it exactly as you

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Speaker 1: want it because I believe you can have it all.

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Speaker 1: I really do. I just also know from experience that

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Speaker 1: when you put the physical and the shiny objects above

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Speaker 1: the foundation, the heart and soul, nine times out of ten,

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Speaker 1: it's not going to turn out well for you. Nine

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Speaker 1: times out of ten it's not. So here's another dating

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Speaker 1: do for you. Okay, since we're talking dating dus and don't. Okay,

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Speaker 1: keep doing it your way and continue to observe. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and see how it works. And if it's not working,

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Speaker 1: do be willing to shift, Do be willing to change,

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Speaker 1: Do be willing to look at something different. But that

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Speaker 1: probably for you won't happen until you're around twenty seven

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Speaker 1: to twenty eight when you say, oh damn, this ain't working,

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Speaker 1: or you'll because your head and your heart are in

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Speaker 1: alignment and this is what you want, it may work.

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Speaker 1: So just keep doing it your way. I'm not trying

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Speaker 1: to talk you out of your way. I just want

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Speaker 1: to give you some other things to think about. So

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Speaker 1: do have your standards. Yeah, do have a clear vision

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Speaker 1: and observe, and do be willing to date a person

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Speaker 1: not a paycheck. Please, just do be willing to do that,

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Speaker 1: even if it's a bus driver. Yes, and you're not

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Speaker 1: doing anything wrong. The question is is it working? That's

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Speaker 1: the question. Okay, okay, thank you, thank you, my love,

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Speaker 1: thank you, good luck to you. There really is a

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Speaker 1: difference in the world, and I'm not really sure I

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Speaker 1: know what it is. This is a beautiful, powerful young

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Speaker 1: woman who has some real clear criteria or standards of

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Speaker 1: what it is that she wants. I'm just not sure

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Speaker 1: that if that's the only thing she uses as her

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Speaker 1: dating criteria, dating adventure, fun having, I really want to

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Speaker 1: encourage us to look at the inside. Also in addition

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Speaker 1: to the outside. Welcome back to the art spot. We're

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Speaker 1: looking today at dating dues, dating don'ts and oh my god,

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Speaker 1: no they didn't. My next guest has written a lovely

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Speaker 1: little book. It's just lovely. I just find it so exciting.

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Speaker 1: What's real, what's not? And somewhere in between his actions

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Speaker 1: will tell you everything. That's the title of the book.

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Speaker 1: She says here, you should not be in a relationship

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Speaker 1: and still feel alone. He is not present and neither

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Speaker 1: are you get clear about why. And I'm just wondering

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Speaker 1: how many of us date someone who checks all the boxes,

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Speaker 1: fits all the criteria. But there's something missing, but will

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Speaker 1: stay because the boxes are checked. My guest is Zakiah Fatig,

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Speaker 1: and I want to talk to her about some dating

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Speaker 1: deus and don'ts and how it aligns with what she's

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Speaker 1: offering us in the book. Zakiah, Welcome to the R Spot.

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Speaker 1: I just want to start here, which has so much

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Speaker 1: to do with what we're talking about today, dating dus,

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Speaker 1: dating don'ts and oh my god, no they didn't. You

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Speaker 1: have looking for more. He's giving you what he wants

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Speaker 1: to give. You can accept that or not. You get

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Speaker 1: to choose what's best for you. Don't hurt yourself trying

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Speaker 1: to fit in somewhere, you don't be long. But what

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Speaker 1: happens if he meets all your standards, all your little boxes,

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Speaker 1: and you still want more and you're not getting it?

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Speaker 1: What do you do?

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Speaker 2: Then?

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Speaker 1: Welcome to the art Spot, Psakiah.

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Speaker 3: Thank you, thank you for having me. What do you

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Speaker 3: do then when he checks all the boxes and you're

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Speaker 3: still looking for more and he's not giving it to you?

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Speaker 3: So you have to decide what is important, what your

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Speaker 3: values are and what you need to be able to

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Speaker 3: be in a sustaining, healthy relationship. And so if he

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Speaker 3: is not giving you what you need.

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Speaker 4: You have to choose you.

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Speaker 3: So often we don't, you know, we make a commitment

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Speaker 3: and we forget that we have a choice.

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Speaker 1: You say, here, be his friend first. Yeah, and he'll

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Speaker 1: appreciate and understand the lover in you much more.

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Speaker 4: Yes.

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Speaker 1: So I wonder if she can, if young women today

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Speaker 1: can be friends with men who are in process as

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Speaker 1: opposed to men who've already arrived.

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Speaker 3: I think one of the things that we run into

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Speaker 3: is that we want it now. It has to be,

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Speaker 3: you know, we want the man now, that no one

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Speaker 3: wants to take the time to get to know someone,

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Speaker 3: and people forget that we're still always learning ourselves, We're

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Speaker 3: still always evolving, and so the standards and the values

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Speaker 3: that you set a year ago may shift within six

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Speaker 3: months or the next year based on your life experiences.

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Speaker 3: And if you don't have a friendship place, then how

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Speaker 3: do you communicate or share with that person I've elevated

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Speaker 3: or I've shifted and trust that they will shift, elevate or.

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Speaker 4: Meet you you know where you are.

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Speaker 3: If there's no friendship, if there's no understanding of who

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Speaker 3: the other person is, I think we get caught up

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Speaker 3: in you know what I used to call in my

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Speaker 3: younger years, the girl boy stuff, you know, the honeymoon phase,

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Speaker 3: the you know, I'm head over hills and all googly eyed.

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Speaker 3: He makes me feel this or he makes me feel that.

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Speaker 3: But when that is gone and there's no friendship, what

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Speaker 3: do you have left to sustain the relationship with when

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Speaker 3: you've not gotten to know the person, when everything has

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Speaker 3: been surface level? How you make me feel in the moment,

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Speaker 3: how you showed up in the moment.

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Speaker 4: But what motivates or inspires you? What are your values?

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Speaker 2: You know?

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Speaker 3: Do you honor your mother? Do you take care of

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Speaker 3: your children? How do you respect when you are financially stable?

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Speaker 3: How do you respond when things do not work out

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Speaker 3: according to your plan? And can I line up with that?

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Speaker 3: How can I support you? Am I willing to support you?

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Speaker 1: But in terms of dating, because we're looking at dating dues,

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Speaker 1: dating don'ts I think he should have standards and she

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Speaker 1: should have standards. So a dating do is have standards?

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Speaker 1: Maybe it's the definition of standards in what's real, what's not?

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Speaker 1: And somewhere in between. You say this, he will want

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Speaker 1: you to have high standards about yourself, to dress a

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Speaker 1: certain way and represent him well. Meanwhile, he's out there

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Speaker 1: cheating with a woman who has no standards, no self

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Speaker 1: respects respect, and doesn't know her worth. This may make

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Speaker 1: you feel inadequate and not enough, but you are enough

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Speaker 1: and you deserve more. So let's look at dating for

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Speaker 1: a moment. How do you develop them? How do you

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Speaker 1: create them? And again, because I think in today's world

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Speaker 1: it's very different for young women who've finished college who

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Speaker 1: walk into, you know, a corporate or executive position, how

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Speaker 1: do you set standards for who you want to date

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Speaker 1: if they have no standards or if you have, you know,

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Speaker 1: low standards, how do you do that?

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Speaker 3: Well, the thing is looking at where the standards do

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Speaker 3: or don't come from. So your last caller, she was

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Speaker 3: twenty four years old, and so you have some people

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Speaker 3: who set standards based on their experiences. Well, she may

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Speaker 3: have not had minny, but she may have had a

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Speaker 3: father and a mother who were married and together, and

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Speaker 3: she may be basing her standards off of how the

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Speaker 3: father treated the mother or how the father treated her

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Speaker 3: as she grew up. So that may be something that

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Speaker 3: she's basing the standards on, in addition to what she

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Speaker 3: has learned or grown to like as a young adult,

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Speaker 3: and so you know, the standards may be based off

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Speaker 3: of that. But for someone such as myself, for one

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Speaker 3: who has gone through many experiences, the standards are based

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Speaker 3: on the things that you've learned throughout your dating experiences,

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Speaker 3: your marriage experiences, and just the wisdom of being an adult.

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Speaker 1: So is it correct to say that a standard is

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Speaker 1: what you preferred to experience because I see it working

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Speaker 1: the other way too. When a lot of people I

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Speaker 1: talk to, they have low standards or no standards. They

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Speaker 1: go into a dating situation and they just accept whatever

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Speaker 1: shows up, and then two years later they're complaining about it.

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Speaker 1: Now that they've got a kid in a half, you

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Speaker 1: know they're complaining about it. So a dating do is

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Speaker 1: have preferences based on who you are, not based on

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Speaker 1: what you've seen or what you make up. Would you

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Speaker 1: say that's that's accurate, that your standard is your preference.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, Pence, I think you know what most people are

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Speaker 3: forgetting is what they value, because the value is really

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Speaker 3: what you're wanting.

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Speaker 4: Because he can have all the money in.

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Speaker 3: The world, but if he if you, if you value family,

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Speaker 3: if you value quality time, but he's out here chasing

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Speaker 3: a dollar, then are you really fulfilled in that relationship.

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Speaker 3: Are you really getting what you desire?

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Speaker 2: You know?

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Speaker 3: I think for dating, you really have to be willing

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Speaker 3: to use dating as practice, get clear about what you

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Speaker 3: want to really exercise asking for what you want, being

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Speaker 3: willing to remove yourself if it's not what you want,

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Speaker 3: if it doesn't align with your standards or your values.

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Speaker 4: And I think again.

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Speaker 3: It goes back to people want a relationship now, but

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Speaker 3: they're not willing to put in the work for what

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Speaker 3: sustains the relationship. You know, they want to call someone,

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Speaker 3: they want to be exclusive right away, but you're exclusive

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Speaker 3: with someone that you haven't taken the time to know

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Speaker 3: or become.

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Speaker 4: Friends with it.

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Speaker 3: So I think the relationship piece is about practicing.

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Speaker 1: Dating dating things.

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Speaker 3: Yes, the dating is about practicing what you do want

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Speaker 3: and what you don't want.

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Speaker 1: And dating can have standards, not demands. I think that

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Speaker 1: you know, we make up. I want him to be

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00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:42,520
Speaker 1: you know, six ' to two. I wanted to be single,

404
00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:44,800
Speaker 1: I wanted to be this that, blah blah blah. Those

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Speaker 1: are standings for me. A demand is he's got to

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Speaker 1: be able. Well, what my guests said, he's got to

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Speaker 1: be able to keep me in the lifestyle to which

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00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:59,960
Speaker 1: I am accustomed as opposed to. If dating is grown

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Speaker 1: going into commitment, then that standard could become a demand,

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Speaker 1: and I don't think demands work.

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Speaker 2: Well.

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Speaker 1: You know, if we're going out, it would be nice

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Speaker 1: for you to pay all the time, but I'm not

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Speaker 1: going to demand that you do. Is it a dating

415
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Speaker 1: don't for a man to say I paid the last

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Speaker 1: three times? Can you pay this time? Is that a

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Speaker 1: don't for most women?

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Speaker 4: Yes, it is a don't.

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Speaker 3: I personally why I personally would want a man to

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Speaker 3: allow me to offer versus suggesting that I should pay. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: So I think the approach, the approach is important. Okay,

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00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:50,840
Speaker 3: so I you know I think that that is you know,

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Speaker 3: I paid the last bill, you should pay this one.

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Speaker 3: You know that that could be a turnoff. It would

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Speaker 3: be a good turnoff for me. Okay, but I'm not

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Speaker 3: unwilling to pay the bill.

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Speaker 1: Ok got it.

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Speaker 2: Okay.

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Speaker 1: Here's another thing about dating that I'm just wondering. And

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Speaker 1: you address this and what's real and what's not. I'm

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Speaker 1: wondering in dating, just the dating and then growing into relationships,

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Speaker 1: do we make other people responsible for our happiness and

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Speaker 1: the fulfillment of our dreams. Yes, I wonder if that's

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Speaker 1: you know, a dating don't don't make because see, I

435
00:29:38,760 --> 00:29:41,760
Speaker 1: can be happy if you can't pay for my nails,

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Speaker 1: or if you don't pay for our trip to Paris,

437
00:29:45,880 --> 00:29:48,840
Speaker 1: I can be happy. I'd like you to pay for it.

438
00:29:49,280 --> 00:29:51,920
Speaker 1: I'd like you to suggest it and recommend it. But

439
00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:55,680
Speaker 1: we're dating, and even when we get deeper into the relationship,

440
00:29:56,080 --> 00:29:59,000
Speaker 1: I know you. I know that you're paying off your

441
00:29:59,000 --> 00:30:02,320
Speaker 1: school loan. I know that you're helping your sister raise

442
00:30:02,360 --> 00:30:06,840
Speaker 1: her kids after her divorce. So you may have those

443
00:30:07,560 --> 00:30:11,160
Speaker 1: responsibilities and not be able to pay for us to

444
00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:14,040
Speaker 1: go to Paris. Do I dump you because you can't

445
00:30:14,040 --> 00:30:18,080
Speaker 1: pay for us to go to Paris and that's going

446
00:30:18,120 --> 00:30:19,640
Speaker 1: to make me happy?

447
00:30:20,280 --> 00:30:22,920
Speaker 3: Well, it's not his jobs to make you happy. His

448
00:30:23,080 --> 00:30:27,160
Speaker 3: job is to thank you to your happiness. The happiness

449
00:30:27,240 --> 00:30:30,480
Speaker 3: is your work. It's your job because if you are

450
00:30:30,480 --> 00:30:33,000
Speaker 3: depending on him to make you happy, that means that

451
00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:34,720
Speaker 3: he gets to dictate how you feel.

452
00:30:35,640 --> 00:30:43,920
Speaker 1: We'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back

453
00:30:43,960 --> 00:30:46,760
Speaker 1: to the art spot. Let's get back to the conversation.

454
00:30:47,400 --> 00:30:53,080
Speaker 1: Here's something else, and this is about dating. He may

455
00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:57,720
Speaker 1: still be searching for what he wants and needs in

456
00:30:58,400 --> 00:31:03,240
Speaker 1: and from a woman. If he's not committing, he's clear

457
00:31:03,800 --> 00:31:09,120
Speaker 1: that it's not you. Now for me, that's a dating situation.

458
00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:13,680
Speaker 1: But when should he commit? Y'all have had four dates.

459
00:31:13,800 --> 00:31:17,000
Speaker 1: Maybe it's over the course of you know, three four weeks.

460
00:31:18,120 --> 00:31:21,680
Speaker 1: Is he supposed to commit then? Or are you still

461
00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:23,479
Speaker 1: learning each other? Are you still growing?

462
00:31:23,640 --> 00:31:26,040
Speaker 3: I believe you're still learning and growing. I mean you've

463
00:31:26,040 --> 00:31:28,400
Speaker 3: had I mean you hear these stories of people who

464
00:31:28,400 --> 00:31:30,360
Speaker 3: have dated for a week and go off and get

465
00:31:30,440 --> 00:31:33,480
Speaker 3: married and then they're together for years. You know. They

466
00:31:33,520 --> 00:31:36,080
Speaker 3: say when a man knows, he knows, and I think

467
00:31:36,080 --> 00:31:38,480
Speaker 3: the same is true for a woman. You know, there

468
00:31:38,880 --> 00:31:42,000
Speaker 3: are these instances where you meet someone and you just know.

469
00:31:43,280 --> 00:31:49,400
Speaker 3: But if they have had experiences of misjudging in the past,

470
00:31:49,600 --> 00:31:53,480
Speaker 3: or if they are still getting clear about what they want,

471
00:31:53,600 --> 00:31:57,160
Speaker 3: what they desire, what they need, then until they're clear,

472
00:31:57,760 --> 00:32:01,040
Speaker 3: no commitment should be made. There can be agreements, but

473
00:32:01,160 --> 00:32:02,480
Speaker 3: no commitment should be made.

474
00:32:02,560 --> 00:32:05,560
Speaker 1: See that's why I stay home because this boggles my brain.

475
00:32:06,480 --> 00:32:10,280
Speaker 1: I just I can't even I'm like, you're human, I'm human,

476
00:32:10,720 --> 00:32:14,080
Speaker 1: you like me, I like you. What are we working towards?

477
00:32:14,600 --> 00:32:14,760
Speaker 2: Well?

478
00:32:14,800 --> 00:32:18,640
Speaker 3: Because you have people who are dating to marry, you know,

479
00:32:18,760 --> 00:32:23,840
Speaker 3: dating to get married, dating to have a lifelong partner,

480
00:32:23,880 --> 00:32:25,880
Speaker 3: and then you have people who just want to date

481
00:32:26,240 --> 00:32:29,640
Speaker 3: who are not interested in a long term relationship. So

482
00:32:29,680 --> 00:32:32,080
Speaker 3: I think that it's very important to get clear about

483
00:32:32,320 --> 00:32:35,400
Speaker 3: who you're dating and what their intentions are and what

484
00:32:35,440 --> 00:32:36,600
Speaker 3: it is that they're wanting.

485
00:32:36,920 --> 00:32:41,480
Speaker 1: Okay, so that's a dating Do be clear about why

486
00:32:41,520 --> 00:32:44,880
Speaker 1: you're dating, and if you're dating to find a partner,

487
00:32:45,640 --> 00:32:50,600
Speaker 1: then have standards not demands. That's a dating do would

488
00:32:50,640 --> 00:32:54,000
Speaker 1: you say that, yes, be clear about who you're dating,

489
00:32:54,120 --> 00:32:57,480
Speaker 1: get to know the person, and don't just check your

490
00:32:57,480 --> 00:33:01,280
Speaker 1: boxes off and dismiss them. Because I hear this a lot.

491
00:33:01,680 --> 00:33:03,560
Speaker 1: I don't want to waste my time.

492
00:33:03,840 --> 00:33:06,600
Speaker 3: Yeah, And I said to look at dating as practice,

493
00:33:06,760 --> 00:33:11,200
Speaker 3: because it's never a waste of time. We have these standards,

494
00:33:11,320 --> 00:33:13,880
Speaker 3: or we have all these things that we want in

495
00:33:13,960 --> 00:33:17,400
Speaker 3: the relationship, and we base those things off of what

496
00:33:17,440 --> 00:33:21,840
Speaker 3: we've been through in previous relationships or experiences. But just

497
00:33:21,880 --> 00:33:24,959
Speaker 3: because you're wanting a thing doesn't mean that you know

498
00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:26,720
Speaker 3: what to do or you'll know what to do with

499
00:33:26,800 --> 00:33:27,640
Speaker 3: it when you get it.

500
00:33:29,120 --> 00:33:32,840
Speaker 1: You say in what's real what's not? If he's not

501
00:33:33,080 --> 00:33:36,400
Speaker 1: for you. You will know it, just don't act like

502
00:33:36,480 --> 00:33:40,200
Speaker 1: you don't know it when it becomes clear. So if

503
00:33:40,240 --> 00:33:46,120
Speaker 1: you're dating, don't continue to date. If you're clear this

504
00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:49,520
Speaker 1: is not the person for you. Would that be a

505
00:33:49,600 --> 00:33:50,240
Speaker 1: dating don't?

506
00:33:51,160 --> 00:33:52,120
Speaker 4: That is a dating don't.

507
00:33:52,320 --> 00:33:56,400
Speaker 1: Okay, But I.

508
00:33:56,400 --> 00:33:59,640
Speaker 3: Found this other one that we talked about earlier about

509
00:33:59,680 --> 00:34:03,160
Speaker 3: it spoke about it being his job to make you happy.

510
00:34:03,280 --> 00:34:06,600
Speaker 3: It says it's not his job to save you, fix you,

511
00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:11,480
Speaker 3: or make right all the hurt, disappointment, and pain another

512
00:34:11,640 --> 00:34:14,680
Speaker 3: man has caused you. That is your work and your job.

513
00:34:15,400 --> 00:34:17,600
Speaker 1: He can well, let's flip it. Wait a minute, let's

514
00:34:17,600 --> 00:34:22,600
Speaker 1: flip it. Okay, So it's not your job to you know,

515
00:34:22,680 --> 00:34:26,319
Speaker 1: his job to save you, and flip it. It's not

516
00:34:26,480 --> 00:34:27,960
Speaker 1: your job to save him.

517
00:34:28,200 --> 00:34:28,839
Speaker 4: Absolutely.

518
00:34:29,440 --> 00:34:29,640
Speaker 2: You know.

519
00:34:29,719 --> 00:34:32,200
Speaker 3: The book was written from my perspective as a woman,

520
00:34:32,280 --> 00:34:36,800
Speaker 3: but it is for everyone, you know, the male to female,

521
00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:39,880
Speaker 3: the female to male, the male to male, female to female.

522
00:34:39,920 --> 00:34:42,839
Speaker 3: You know, it is not our job to save or

523
00:34:42,920 --> 00:34:46,360
Speaker 3: fix anyone. It is our job to do our work.

524
00:34:47,120 --> 00:34:50,000
Speaker 3: It is our job to do our healing. Now, your

525
00:34:50,040 --> 00:34:52,600
Speaker 3: partner or the person you're dating can support you in

526
00:34:52,640 --> 00:34:55,120
Speaker 3: the process, but we have to stop asking people to

527
00:34:55,160 --> 00:34:59,839
Speaker 3: do what's impossible and do for ourselves what we are

528
00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:01,239
Speaker 3: expecting someone else to do.

529
00:35:01,600 --> 00:35:05,400
Speaker 1: So here's a dating do do your own personal work

530
00:35:05,440 --> 00:35:09,400
Speaker 1: and don't make the other person responsible for it. So

531
00:35:09,480 --> 00:35:12,719
Speaker 1: that's a do and a don't combine. Do your personal

532
00:35:12,800 --> 00:35:17,600
Speaker 1: work and don't date. Don't date to fill a void.

533
00:35:19,120 --> 00:35:22,680
Speaker 1: Date with a clear vision of what my guest said

534
00:35:23,120 --> 00:35:28,360
Speaker 1: the interested in adventure, dating to have fun, dating to practice,

535
00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:33,839
Speaker 1: dating to meet new people, dating to explore possibilities. These

536
00:35:33,880 --> 00:35:39,319
Speaker 1: are all for me dating dues and looking at what's

537
00:35:39,360 --> 00:35:42,879
Speaker 1: real and what's not. If you see red flags, pay

538
00:35:42,920 --> 00:35:47,200
Speaker 1: attention to them. If you're not getting what you want,

539
00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:53,200
Speaker 1: pay attention to it. But also be spontaneous. Be spontaneous

540
00:35:53,440 --> 00:35:56,960
Speaker 1: and be willing to go in a direction that you

541
00:35:57,000 --> 00:35:59,520
Speaker 1: didn't think of or that you didn't know was possible.

542
00:35:59,800 --> 00:36:05,760
Speaker 1: For me, is a dating do. Remember you're healing, they're healing.

543
00:36:05,840 --> 00:36:09,560
Speaker 1: We all have, you know, relationship nightmares. But just be

544
00:36:09,760 --> 00:36:16,000
Speaker 1: willing to meet the person and not the boxes on

545
00:36:16,080 --> 00:36:17,040
Speaker 1: your piece of paper.

546
00:36:18,360 --> 00:36:22,399
Speaker 3: Yes, and you know, have your standards in place, make

547
00:36:22,440 --> 00:36:25,440
Speaker 3: a list your deal breakers. You know the things that

548
00:36:25,480 --> 00:36:28,320
Speaker 3: you want and desire. You know you can have those things,

549
00:36:28,440 --> 00:36:31,080
Speaker 3: you have to first bet them if you're looking for

550
00:36:31,120 --> 00:36:34,120
Speaker 3: a long term relationship or working towards being them.

551
00:36:34,400 --> 00:36:39,879
Speaker 1: So don't date with the expectation of permanency. Do date

552
00:36:39,960 --> 00:36:45,360
Speaker 1: with an open mind, Do date with a vision, but

553
00:36:45,520 --> 00:36:50,440
Speaker 1: not a requirement. Because I think people can date for

554
00:36:50,520 --> 00:36:53,680
Speaker 1: three four months and immediately think that has to become

555
00:36:53,760 --> 00:36:57,319
Speaker 1: a commitment. I don't think that that's always a good

556
00:36:57,360 --> 00:36:57,640
Speaker 1: way to go.

557
00:36:57,800 --> 00:37:02,080
Speaker 3: I would offer to have fun in the process of dating.

558
00:37:02,800 --> 00:37:06,799
Speaker 3: Practice you know, practice the things that you didn't do

559
00:37:06,920 --> 00:37:09,799
Speaker 3: in your previous relationships, having a strong yes, having a

560
00:37:09,840 --> 00:37:13,880
Speaker 3: strong note, being vulnerable, you know and knowe that just

561
00:37:13,920 --> 00:37:16,400
Speaker 3: because you met someone doesn't mean that they have to

562
00:37:16,440 --> 00:37:17,120
Speaker 3: be the one.

563
00:37:17,280 --> 00:37:19,200
Speaker 1: And the other thing I want to say is, let's

564
00:37:19,200 --> 00:37:22,640
Speaker 1: call a thing a thing. Okay, if you're dating to

565
00:37:22,680 --> 00:37:26,240
Speaker 1: meet somebody, date to meet somebody. If you're dating because

566
00:37:26,280 --> 00:37:30,520
Speaker 1: you're interested in the possibility of a long term relationship,

567
00:37:30,800 --> 00:37:33,480
Speaker 1: be clear about that. If you're dating to get laid,

568
00:37:34,040 --> 00:37:36,439
Speaker 1: don't think that getting laid is going to turn into

569
00:37:36,440 --> 00:37:41,200
Speaker 1: a permanent relationship just because y'all had sex. That's a

570
00:37:41,239 --> 00:37:43,839
Speaker 1: no note for me. That's why I said, be clear

571
00:37:43,840 --> 00:37:46,960
Speaker 1: about why you're dating. Be clear about who you're dating.

572
00:37:48,719 --> 00:37:55,560
Speaker 1: For me, dating is like touch driving a car. I

573
00:37:55,719 --> 00:37:59,880
Speaker 1: like this, I like that. You know I don't like that,

574
00:38:00,520 --> 00:38:03,520
Speaker 1: So let me go back to my original list.

575
00:38:04,400 --> 00:38:07,520
Speaker 4: Okay, know that upgrades are possible.

576
00:38:07,600 --> 00:38:09,640
Speaker 3: You know in your car, you know, you see what

577
00:38:09,719 --> 00:38:11,440
Speaker 3: you like, you see what you want, and it may

578
00:38:11,480 --> 00:38:12,520
Speaker 3: be missing a thing or two.

579
00:38:12,600 --> 00:38:15,080
Speaker 4: You can upgrade, You can ask for what you want.

580
00:38:15,320 --> 00:38:20,120
Speaker 1: Yeah, sometimes you think he's the one because of how

581
00:38:20,160 --> 00:38:23,840
Speaker 1: you feel when you're with him or her, and because

582
00:38:23,880 --> 00:38:27,640
Speaker 1: of the strong desire you have to be with him.

583
00:38:27,960 --> 00:38:33,400
Speaker 1: When you're not the one, Patience is required, be present,

584
00:38:34,760 --> 00:38:39,520
Speaker 1: let things flow, and let go of your need to

585
00:38:39,640 --> 00:38:47,839
Speaker 1: control the pace and the process of the experience. What's real,

586
00:38:47,960 --> 00:38:52,920
Speaker 1: what's not, and somewhere in between his actions or her

587
00:38:53,040 --> 00:38:56,879
Speaker 1: actions will tell you everything. Thank you, Zakiah for these

588
00:38:56,960 --> 00:39:01,040
Speaker 1: really great dating dues, dating notes, and some of the

589
00:39:01,120 --> 00:39:07,840
Speaker 1: things we can experience along the way. Thanks so much.

590
00:39:07,960 --> 00:39:09,080
Speaker 4: Thank you for having me.

591
00:39:14,239 --> 00:39:20,920
Speaker 1: Mm hmm listen. Are the seats comfortable? Do you like

592
00:39:20,960 --> 00:39:26,279
Speaker 1: the way it looks? Will it fit your lifestyle? Can

593
00:39:26,320 --> 00:39:30,080
Speaker 1: you afford it? Those are the things that you would

594
00:39:30,120 --> 00:39:33,360
Speaker 1: ask yourself about a car. Ask the same things about

595
00:39:33,360 --> 00:39:38,920
Speaker 1: the people that you're dating before you expect it to

596
00:39:39,040 --> 00:39:45,360
Speaker 1: turn into a long term experience or relationship. But it's dating,

597
00:39:46,000 --> 00:39:51,239
Speaker 1: it's an adventure. It's temporary until the time or the

598
00:39:51,360 --> 00:39:57,279
Speaker 1: moment comes when you're ready to shift. And then in

599
00:39:57,320 --> 00:40:02,440
Speaker 1: that moment, have the conversation. And don't just walk around

600
00:40:02,719 --> 00:40:06,839
Speaker 1: with expectations that because you'll have been going out for two, three, four, five,

601
00:40:06,920 --> 00:40:11,040
Speaker 1: six months, that is shifting into something else. Don't wait

602
00:40:11,120 --> 00:40:14,640
Speaker 1: for a year waiting for the person to commit to

603
00:40:14,719 --> 00:40:18,120
Speaker 1: you and you haven't asked the question, Okay, what are

604
00:40:18,120 --> 00:40:21,160
Speaker 1: we doing here? Are we gonna make this long term?

605
00:40:21,239 --> 00:40:27,200
Speaker 1: Are we making this monogamous? Are we committed? And depending

606
00:40:27,280 --> 00:40:31,520
Speaker 1: upon what you get from that conversation, then you make

607
00:40:31,560 --> 00:40:37,279
Speaker 1: your determination. The other person is not responsible for your happiness.

608
00:40:38,320 --> 00:40:43,120
Speaker 1: Do have your standards or your preferences. Make it a preference,

609
00:40:43,600 --> 00:40:48,440
Speaker 1: not a demand. Don't settle for something you don't want,

610
00:40:49,239 --> 00:40:54,080
Speaker 1: but be sure you're wanting it because that's your preference,

611
00:40:54,600 --> 00:40:58,600
Speaker 1: not because you expect the other person or value the

612
00:40:58,640 --> 00:41:02,959
Speaker 1: other person or me the other person based on their

613
00:41:03,040 --> 00:41:07,279
Speaker 1: ability and capacity to meet your standards. I want to

614
00:41:07,280 --> 00:41:10,799
Speaker 1: know if you have a vision for you, not for me.

615
00:41:12,040 --> 00:41:15,680
Speaker 1: Do you have a vision for yourself. Does your life

616
00:41:15,719 --> 00:41:18,960
Speaker 1: have value and meaning? Before I get to how much

617
00:41:18,960 --> 00:41:21,839
Speaker 1: you're earning and what you can do for or give

618
00:41:21,920 --> 00:41:24,880
Speaker 1: to me, I want to know how you're being with yourself.

619
00:41:26,080 --> 00:41:32,920
Speaker 1: And dating is complicated, it really really is. But the

620
00:41:33,000 --> 00:41:36,239
Speaker 1: clearer we are about who we are and what we want,

621
00:41:36,280 --> 00:41:40,440
Speaker 1: what we desire, the easier it will be to spot it,

622
00:41:41,320 --> 00:41:47,000
Speaker 1: receive it, or create it on a date. Dating dus,

623
00:41:48,520 --> 00:41:55,000
Speaker 1: dating don'ts and oh my god, no they didn't. I

624
00:41:55,040 --> 00:41:57,400
Speaker 1: hope you've heard something today that you can use in

625
00:41:57,440 --> 00:42:00,359
Speaker 1: your dating life and your world or wherever it is

626
00:42:00,400 --> 00:42:04,440
Speaker 1: that you are. Boy. I just I want us to

627
00:42:04,520 --> 00:42:07,080
Speaker 1: continue to grow and talk, and I'm really gonna have

628
00:42:07,120 --> 00:42:11,080
Speaker 1: that conversation. I want men to hear women. I want

629
00:42:11,120 --> 00:42:13,759
Speaker 1: women to hear men, and then I want them to

630
00:42:13,840 --> 00:42:17,600
Speaker 1: talk to each other so we can get this dating

631
00:42:17,840 --> 00:42:22,480
Speaker 1: party back on track. Thanks for tuning in. I'll be

632
00:42:22,600 --> 00:42:26,680
Speaker 1: back next week. In the meantime, stay in peace and

633
00:42:26,880 --> 00:42:36,840
Speaker 1: not in pieces. By bye. The R Spot is a

634
00:42:36,880 --> 00:42:42,439
Speaker 1: production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more

635
00:42:42,520 --> 00:42:47,920
Speaker 1: podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

636
00:42:48,200 --> 00:42:50,719
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite show