Speaker 1: And they're like, listen, when he shows up, all this
Speaker 1: changes and they're like, yeah, well, if he's drinking, we're
Speaker 1: going to have a problem. And me and my daughters
Speaker 1: are like, no one's talking. We're just waiting for this
Speaker 1: guy to show up.
Speaker 2: And then.
Speaker 1: A five foot eight, skinny white dude walks in and
Speaker 1: we're like, please be him, please be him, sit down,
Speaker 1: and he goes.
Speaker 2: He goes, do you guys have Martin Naz And I
Speaker 2: was like, yeah, baby.
Speaker 3: Calm down with Aeron and Carissa is a production of iHeartRadio.
Speaker 3: All right, guys, let's go to part two with Bert Kreischer.
Speaker 4: He tells us.
Speaker 5: Why he still taged.
Speaker 3: Some of his ex girlfriends on social media, which is
Speaker 3: great and an incredible story about him returning to Florida
Speaker 3: State and life coming full circle and actually gets super emotional.
Speaker 3: It's really really great. I see your pin tripes behind you.
Speaker 6: So Bert, Derek Peter was nice enough to come on
Speaker 6: the podcast and we were talking about a myriad of
Speaker 6: different topics, and so parenting advice came up. Oh, I
Speaker 6: need you to give Aaron some parenting advice because you're
Speaker 6: almost on the other side of this thing as an
Speaker 6: empty Nester.
Speaker 1: Oh, my best parenting advice is you're gonna screw it up.
Speaker 1: You've never done it before, and so you're gonna mess
Speaker 1: it up bad, like real bad.
Speaker 2: It's gonna be.
Speaker 1: And that's the thing you have to be cool with
Speaker 1: is like it's like it's you're gonna make a lot
Speaker 1: of mistakes and mistakes that are bad. Like you're gonna
Speaker 1: make bad mistakes, you're gonna parent poorly, and you're gonna
Speaker 1: raise your voice and you're gonna do things that your
Speaker 1: parents did and not realize you're doing it, and then
Speaker 1: your kids are gonna react like horribly, and but that's
Speaker 1: all normal, Like no one goes into parenting other than
Speaker 1: like guys that are having their second family, like Enzo Ferrari,
Speaker 1: like knowing what they're doing properly and so Farri's second
Speaker 1: kid was a dime, but all the other ones, the
Speaker 1: other one was like, you know, only passed away but whatever,
Speaker 1: but he's not missing oh anyway. But uh, that's the
Speaker 1: thing is like you're gonna mess it up. And for me,
Speaker 1: the thing I probably regret the most, and I think
Speaker 1: this is probably most adjacent to where you are, Aaron
Speaker 1: is I was someone who focused very heavily on my
Speaker 1: career because I felt like if I don't make money,
Speaker 1: then no one's happy. So I'm gonna make sure I
Speaker 1: can make money. And so I spent a lot of
Speaker 1: time away when now I look at it and I go,
Speaker 1: I'll never get to get that time back. Now, Listen,
Speaker 1: you look in hindsight, you go, I really messed up.
Speaker 1: It worked out. We're all fine and we have money,
Speaker 1: and everyone gets good.
Speaker 4: To college, and your kids still talk to you.
Speaker 2: And my kids still went on a hike with Isla.
Speaker 1: Last night, Georgia called me after camping with her friends
Speaker 1: and was like, I love you, I miss you, like I.
Speaker 2: We're all in a really great.
Speaker 1: Place, but but we pulled teeth to get there. I
Speaker 1: mean it was like, you know, I joke about my
Speaker 1: family a lot on stage. I probably don't joke enough
Speaker 1: about like the series. I have one joke about when
Speaker 1: Georgia smoked weed. I was with a Snoop and I
Speaker 1: found out she smoked weed, and I was really upset,
Speaker 1: and I was like, I said to Liamne, we're gonna
Speaker 1: I was. I was on doing a show with Snoop
Speaker 1: and making I was having lunch with him and he
Speaker 1: heard me parenting on the phone. I was like, that
Speaker 1: does it. We're gonna get on the FaceTime. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: like that pitch up. I'm gonna I was just.
Speaker 2: Like she smoked weed. She where did she get it from?
Speaker 2: In the ads? Like it's your weed?
Speaker 1: And I was like, she's a thief too, what the
Speaker 1: And I was like, I'm gonna make her cry. She's
Speaker 1: gonna cry on the phone tonight so she knows this
Speaker 1: is real. And and then I hung up and Snoop's like, Nah,
Speaker 1: don't do that. He was like, you're what's happening to
Speaker 1: you is your feelings are You're having feelings about losing
Speaker 1: control of your daughter and your daughter's growing up shouldn't
Speaker 1: need you, And it's messing with your head as a person,
Speaker 1: and it's messing with your heart as dad, and so
Speaker 1: you making her cry is going to just push her.
Speaker 2: Further from me. I was like, when the fuck did
Speaker 2: you turn into a doctor?
Speaker 5: I was gonna say.
Speaker 2: I mean, he's a great dad, and he's a great friend.
Speaker 2: And and the.
Speaker 6: Children's songs too, Snoop the affirmation song, I really highly recommend.
Speaker 5: I am a great person. I am a great person.
Speaker 5: My parents love me so much. My parents.
Speaker 3: I mean, I'm not gonna say I am going to
Speaker 3: make this joke, but it's not joke.
Speaker 5: It's real.
Speaker 3: As we're talking about a song ninety three point three
Speaker 3: the Power pick I got to do a top five
Speaker 3: at nine song. Hi, I'm Aaron Andrews and I go
Speaker 3: to Bloomingdale High School. And tonight's number three song is
Speaker 3: red red Wine. I'd love to tell Preston Bernheisel, I
Speaker 3: love you so much.
Speaker 6: You called in and dedicated a song to a guy.
Speaker 6: You get, you get chosen, you be forty red red Wine.
Speaker 6: It's like getting the hat for the twenty one song.
Speaker 3: I'm at the tailor concert like it's a big deal
Speaker 3: for the top five at nine on the Power Pig
Speaker 3: to do So, how did you get Pills?
Speaker 1: I called it in the top five and nine. I
Speaker 1: dedicated it to Jennifer Stevens.
Speaker 4: Is that one of the six?
Speaker 2: Uh?
Speaker 1: No, No, eighth grade love, eighth grade eighth great love?
Speaker 2: I was. I was in a bedroom with her her
Speaker 2: now husband.
Speaker 4: WHOA Is that the start of a joke.
Speaker 2: Oh No.
Speaker 1: We were scout out to Stephen Saint John. We're at
Speaker 1: his house and I called it in the top five
Speaker 1: of nine and I was dating Jennifer Stevens, and I said,
Speaker 1: I want to I forget what my song was, but
Speaker 1: I want to I want to fend this out to
Speaker 1: Jennifer Stevens.
Speaker 2: And then it was like a big deal.
Speaker 1: You had to call in and wait and you sat
Speaker 1: on the phone forever waiting for them, and then they
Speaker 1: played your song, played a song. Nerves are up and
Speaker 1: then you're like, hey, this is Burke Chriisler. I go
Speaker 1: to Berkeley Prep. Uh, I like, dedicate this song to
Speaker 1: Jennifer Stevens, Motley Crue, Don't don't go away, Mad, just
Speaker 1: go away or whatever.
Speaker 4: Oh my god.
Speaker 6: So I have always been a fan of yours, but
Speaker 6: I fell even more in love with you when you
Speaker 6: jumped on set for the Thursday Night Football Crew when
Speaker 6: we had a Rams game and Ryan Fitzpatrick is your twin.
Speaker 4: Uh, you guys are.
Speaker 6: One and the same, and you jumped on set and
Speaker 6: you just made his life. He ripped his shirt off.
Speaker 6: You guys hug just just sweaty backs and all. It
Speaker 6: was quite a time.
Speaker 1: He that was That was I was. I was nervous
Speaker 1: doing that because because Inner Whitworth came to my box
Speaker 1: like I was. I was with my family and he's
Speaker 1: like showed up and he's like, hey, will you take
Speaker 1: your shirt off with fits? And I was like yeah.
Speaker 1: I was like, that's what I do for a living.
Speaker 1: I can definitely do that. I was so nervous to
Speaker 1: all of a sudden a party night turned into a
Speaker 1: work night and I was pretty drunk.
Speaker 6: Oh well, you pulled it together perfectly because you were
Speaker 6: so classy. You went down the line. You mentioned the
Speaker 6: Calm Down podcast, the whole thing like that was so great.
Speaker 6: It was really really sweet, and we're such big fans
Speaker 6: of yours. I want to know your relationship with Tom Sigoura.
Speaker 6: When did you guys become friends?
Speaker 2: We were working we were working in brain.
Speaker 6: Why do you laugh when I say his name? Just
Speaker 6: because he automatically makes you laugh?
Speaker 2: He does. Well, it's you know, it's funny.
Speaker 1: It's it's a buddy that I'm now business partners with,
Speaker 1: Like we have a Vodko, we have a podcast, we
Speaker 1: have a movie in development. And it's funny to think
Speaker 1: that I met him at the Brave Improv. We were
Speaker 1: opening for a guy, a very famous comedian at the time,
Speaker 1: J Moore.
Speaker 6: And of course I got I got a j Moore
Speaker 6: story for you real quick. You'll appreciate this. I was
Speaker 6: working on a show called The Best Damn Sports Show,
Speaker 6: and I was a baby. I had just got asked
Speaker 6: to like do a now national show. I was like
Speaker 6: a regional Fox reporter for that for the Rockies before that.
Speaker 6: I'm on the Best damn Sports Show. I'm thinking to myself,
Speaker 6: Oh my god, I've made it. Jay Moore comes on
Speaker 6: and he looks at my jacket and he goes, oh,
Speaker 6: my wife has that jacket but in leather. And I
Speaker 6: was humiliated. And I was so mortified. I was like
Speaker 6: a little kid, and it was like a pleather jacket.
Speaker 6: So I was sad.
Speaker 1: Now Jay was Jay was a good friend for a
Speaker 1: very long time. We'd have fallen out, but we're we've
Speaker 1: reached out, we've talked, and we're cool now. But at
Speaker 1: the time, Tom was overweight, probably two hundred ninety pounds,
Speaker 1: and he was sitting in the green room. He was
Speaker 1: the host, and he was watching Florida State play and
Speaker 1: I walked in and I went, hey, I went to
Speaker 1: Florida State.
Speaker 2: And he's like, Florida State's my favorite team. I'm FM Florida.
Speaker 1: I go on from Florida and Jay walked in and
Speaker 1: he goes, why are we watching Florida State? And Tom said,
Speaker 1: I have one hundred dollars on this game. And Jay goes,
Speaker 1: you're hosting. You make seventy five dollars a show and
Speaker 1: youve got one hundred dollars on this game. You're an idiot.
Speaker 1: And he walked out and I looked at Tom. I said, hey, man,
Speaker 1: welcome to the tour. And we became best friends.
Speaker 4: Two Bears One Cave so popular. Yeah, how long have
Speaker 4: you guys been doing that? Now?
Speaker 1: We started really heavy in the pandemic in twenty twenty
Speaker 1: is when is when. Tom's a really smart businessman and
Speaker 1: we started doing the podcast just as a lark, and
Speaker 1: really quick it kind of took off. It was during
Speaker 1: the pandemic, so no everyone was at home and looking
Speaker 1: for something, and so we doubled up and started doing
Speaker 1: two a week or one a week, and it's turned
Speaker 1: into it's you know, it's bigger than I think either
Speaker 1: of our podcasts, and it's really fun. It's fun as
Speaker 1: you know, it's fun to catch up with a friend.
Speaker 1: And we don't pre produce it. We don't, which maybe
Speaker 1: we should at times, but we just get together and
Speaker 1: then just start talking.
Speaker 2: And I think he's the funniest guy in.
Speaker 1: The world without a doubt, and he thinks I am
Speaker 1: the weirdest human being alive.
Speaker 6: It works, I know, but to your point, it is
Speaker 6: a standing date like Aaron and I. His lives are
Speaker 6: so busy, but I know I get to talk to
Speaker 6: her for like a straight hour every.
Speaker 4: Week, which is fun.
Speaker 6: And I like the things like I'm not a big
Speaker 6: produced person anyway, which is weird in TV, but I
Speaker 6: think it's more fun that things just go off the rails.
Speaker 6: Before we let you go back to one of your
Speaker 6: nine hundred different jobs, Bert, will you.
Speaker 4: Play a little game with us. It's called what would
Speaker 4: Bert Do?
Speaker 6: And there's some various topics that Aaron and I have
Speaker 6: talked about on this podcast, so we want to get
Speaker 6: your take on it.
Speaker 1: So, by the way, sidebar adjacent, we used to play
Speaker 1: a game when I worked in Travel Channel in the
Speaker 1: van of Bert has done that, and so what we
Speaker 1: do is we say something wild and then everyone would
Speaker 1: go around the van and go Bert's on that, and
Speaker 1: then they go Bert's on that. No, I don't think
Speaker 1: Bert's on that, and then they go Bert and then
Speaker 1: I take the question to go bertst on that.
Speaker 4: But oh yeah, I like that. That's next. That's the
Speaker 4: next time you come on.
Speaker 5: That's where it's at the Travel Channel.
Speaker 4: You worked on the Travel Channel?
Speaker 5: Tooey, No, he did. I just know.
Speaker 6: I know you sounds crazy, you know crazy wild Bird's
Speaker 6: done that.
Speaker 1: When I worked on Travel Channel, I did. I would
Speaker 1: travel for the year, two weeks every month of the
Speaker 1: year around the world. It was the greatest job you
Speaker 1: could ever have. But it was a lot like being
Speaker 1: a stripper. It was a lot of fun, the money
Speaker 1: was good, but you weren't learning anything.
Speaker 6: So move forward, flexible, Yeah, yeah, in more ways than one. Okay,
Speaker 6: So there's an annoying person in the waiting room. Aaron
Speaker 6: had a situation with this where they wouldn't shut up,
Speaker 6: and she was not happy about it. What do you
Speaker 6: do if you're in a waiting room and someone's talking
Speaker 6: really loud? Or are you the person that's talking to me?
Speaker 1: I'm a hardcore eavesdropper. I'm a hardcore eavesdropper. I love
Speaker 1: I've Actually I was at dinner with my wife and
Speaker 1: daughter and I told them to shut up. The other night,
Speaker 1: I was like, hold on, the conversation next to us
Speaker 1: is so good.
Speaker 2: I had one.
Speaker 1: We were in the Cayman Islands. I had one that
Speaker 1: was so good next to me, so good next to
Speaker 1: me that I had to introduce myself to the guy.
Speaker 1: The guy he started and he goes, and this is
Speaker 1: what I heard. I'm with my wife. She orders a drink.
Speaker 1: She goes, do you want something to eat? And I
Speaker 1: says someone to eat. I hear the guy in the
Speaker 1: in the combana next to us go and that's how
Speaker 1: my first wife died. And I was like, huh, I'm
Speaker 1: in and he was like and he was like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't know our honeymoon. Isn't that crazy? And I'm
Speaker 1: like what? And then and then I'm going, please tell
Speaker 1: me how what happened? He goes, who would have thought
Speaker 1: horseback riding in bamf in the winter was dangerous?
Speaker 2: And I'm like what.
Speaker 1: My second wife got frostbite? And I'm like second wife.
Speaker 1: And then I had to go over and go, hey, man,
Speaker 1: my name's Burn. I'm a comedian. Can I get to
Speaker 1: know you? And I got him a drink and this
Speaker 1: guy was amazing He was a lawyer from Ontario, Canada,
Speaker 1: and he just had the wildest stories. And I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm a big eavesdropper, So if anyone's ever talking loudly,
Speaker 1: I dial in.
Speaker 2: And if my wife started, I.
Speaker 5: Go, do you also? Chris and I are really good
Speaker 5: at this.
Speaker 3: I mean, my husband gets frustrated, but I'll look at
Speaker 3: other tables and I can figure out their scenario right away,
Speaker 3: Like this guy is pissed at this chick and this
Speaker 3: is why they're having the most uncomfortable dinner, Like are
Speaker 3: you that kind of person too?
Speaker 1: We were on vacation, me and the girls were, and
Speaker 1: it was it was a whole table of black women
Speaker 1: and they were really lighting up the youngest of the
Speaker 1: of the sisters or like you know, like they were
Speaker 1: all related. And they did not like her boyfriend and
Speaker 1: they did not like that he went on this trip
Speaker 1: that he was so annoying. And me and my daughters
Speaker 1: and my wife are like then they're like and they're like,
Speaker 1: listen when he shows up all these changes and they're like, yeah,
Speaker 1: well if he's drinking, we're going to have a problem.
Speaker 1: And me and my daughters are like, no one's talking,
Speaker 1: We're just waiting for this guy to show up.
Speaker 2: And then.
Speaker 1: A five foot eight, skinny white dude walks in and
Speaker 1: we're like, please be him, please be him, sit.
Speaker 2: Down, and he goes. He goes, do you guys have Martinitas?
Speaker 1: And I was like, yeah, baby, now we know why
Speaker 1: they don't like him.
Speaker 6: Yeah, Aaron and I give names, We give them a car,
Speaker 6: like we can figure out their whole life story, or
Speaker 6: at least what we think their life story is.
Speaker 4: All here, you get another one.
Speaker 6: What would Burt do? Rude people who recognize you? Aaron
Speaker 6: had a situation like this happened at the airport.
Speaker 5: He's a real dick.
Speaker 2: What happened?
Speaker 4: What was your Well, it was Christmas Eve.
Speaker 3: We're doing you know, great game, Dolphins, Cowboys, and it
Speaker 3: was a late night flight back to LA and we
Speaker 3: just couldn't wait to get to the bar. Right it
Speaker 3: was like Christmas Eve, let's get a Christmas cocktail. But
Speaker 3: of course they're closing in five minutes. You're like, shit,
Speaker 3: I'll have a burger, I'll have three cocktails.
Speaker 5: Whatever.
Speaker 3: And the guy was wasted at the bar and he
Speaker 3: looked over at me and I was like, I'll do
Speaker 3: anything for a drink.
Speaker 5: Or a burger, and he goes, you should smile more.
Speaker 3: And I looked at him and I go, I didn't ask,
Speaker 3: and he goes, I know who you are, and I
Speaker 3: said great. And then finally I was like annoyed because
Speaker 3: my three male co workers were there and nobody tells
Speaker 3: them to smile more. It's like I'm a pet in
Speaker 3: a zoo, you know, it's like bee me yay, I'll
Speaker 3: smile picture. And so you can't tell I have issues, right,
Speaker 3: And so then I got a drink and I looked
Speaker 3: at him and I go, have a nice night.
Speaker 5: I'm a bit you know what I mean, Like say
Speaker 5: that to the men I'm working with.
Speaker 2: You know, I am the exact opposite. I do not.
Speaker 1: I'm so excited that anyone recognizes me that I literally
Speaker 1: am oblivious. The only time it gets bad is like
Speaker 1: me and my daughter were having a moment, a parenting
Speaker 1: moment recently over New Year's Like we were in Park
Speaker 1: City and it was a great parenting moment. We were
Speaker 1: talking about really really meaty stuff in our in our
Speaker 1: family and me and my behavior and the changes I
Speaker 1: made with my diet and losing weight and not drinking
Speaker 1: and being dialed in and being present and it was
Speaker 1: really emotional and people were recognizing me, and my daughter
Speaker 1: said to me, I know this is part of the job,
Speaker 1: and I know this is okay, but it is infuriating
Speaker 1: that I can't just have you as my dad right now.
Speaker 2: And I was like, and I was like, and then some.
Speaker 1: Guys like, dude, you got to do a shot with me,
Speaker 1: and I was like, damn it, that's got to. In
Speaker 1: a weird way, I never got recognized for so long
Speaker 1: in my life that I go, I understand that that
Speaker 1: is adjacent to selling tickets and to downloads into money ultimately,
Speaker 1: so I in a weird way, I'm a little bit
Speaker 1: of a whore for it. I've only had one moment
Speaker 1: where it bothered me. We were in Atlantic City and
Speaker 1: this like gangster kind of guy was like, hey, you're
Speaker 1: going to take a picture with the girls. Take the
Speaker 1: shirt off. And I was like, I decided to take
Speaker 1: the shirt off. He goes no, and he kind of
Speaker 1: grabbed me close and he was like, you take the
Speaker 1: shirt off and you take the picture.
Speaker 2: That's how it works.
Speaker 1: And I was like, oh shit, I was so I
Speaker 1: took it off.
Speaker 5: And then your pants just kidding.
Speaker 2: Yeah, okay.
Speaker 3: Another one following a family member x after breakup. Really,
Speaker 3: what this is when our like, say we break up
Speaker 3: with a guy, Say you break up with a girl,
Speaker 3: and then you find out your family member is following
Speaker 3: them on social media.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 6: My sister continued to follow my ex boy friend like
Speaker 6: years after the back and this guy was a douchebag,
Speaker 6: Like why are we still fun? She's like, I'm allowed
Speaker 6: to fall whoever I want. I'm like, bit's just why
Speaker 6: do you have to follow the ex boyfriend who's an asshole?
Speaker 6: Like knock it off? So what would Burt do?
Speaker 1: I One of my favorite things to do is to
Speaker 1: remember someone and then see what they've been up to.
Speaker 1: Like my sisters like like, I I don't really I
Speaker 1: don't really pay attention to too much other than me, Like
Speaker 1: I think about me a lot, so I don't think
Speaker 1: about other people. But then I remember one time I
Speaker 1: said to my wife, I was like, do you ever
Speaker 1: google your ex boyfriends?
Speaker 2: And she was like no. I was like you should
Speaker 2: do it, see what they're up to, and she was.
Speaker 1: Like okay, And so we did it and he had
Speaker 1: died and it was like not as fun as you
Speaker 1: think it would.
Speaker 6: Be your family following the fun.
Speaker 4: That's what I wanted.
Speaker 1: No, I've tagged ex girlfriends whenever I get on a
Speaker 1: private jet, I put I tag them, and I good.
Speaker 2: You know it could have been.
Speaker 4: That's really good.
Speaker 6: Aside from so, have you had run ins with the
Speaker 6: ex girlfriends or like them being like, hey, can we
Speaker 6: get tickets to something?
Speaker 4: Like all of a sudden now they like, you.
Speaker 2: Know old.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I uh, yeah it happened. I was just a
Speaker 1: Grand Marshal of Gasparilla and Tampa.
Speaker 4: Yes, so on that pirate ship.
Speaker 1: And my wife this is I'm over speaking, I'm over sharing.
Speaker 1: But my wife's you know, fifty three, she's going through menopause.
Speaker 1: There's some insecurities that go along with she hasn't had
Speaker 1: any work done. She's not like a botox person, and
Speaker 1: so she looks like she looks like she's I think
Speaker 1: she's beautiful, but she looks like you know, aged Jason
Speaker 1: and and and I could see it was bothering her
Speaker 1: saying like all my friends in Tampa, I've all had
Speaker 1: work done, and and I was just like, oh, but
Speaker 1: you're I don't they they would have they there's nothing
Speaker 1: they have that like I don't want to date someone
Speaker 1: that's like, oh, we're getting on a private jet.
Speaker 2: I want to be married to someone who's like how
Speaker 2: much did this cost?
Speaker 5: Yes?
Speaker 4: This is and why are we doing this right?
Speaker 1: Right? Why are we don't need this? We don't need
Speaker 1: That's why I want. But uh, I've had girlfriends come
Speaker 1: to shows. I had one girlfriend come to a show
Speaker 1: and I overheard her saying I was the girl he
Speaker 1: was dating during that article, like I was the one
Speaker 1: that told him to get in the standard. And I
Speaker 1: was like, you don't take credit for this, but relax, yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't. There's only one ex girlfriend. I'm curious to
Speaker 1: what happened.
Speaker 5: To Oh that's Google.
Speaker 6: No way, there's no no such thing as you can't
Speaker 6: find someone.
Speaker 4: See this is women. We can find something in two seconds.
Speaker 2: My sister found her her grade school bully good.
Speaker 4: And I hope that. I hope that.
Speaker 6: Oh nine kids, who's who has nine kids?
Speaker 1: My sister's grade school bully from Lutz, Yeah, from LUTs
Speaker 1: and crazy?
Speaker 5: God, are you a cracker barrel guy?
Speaker 3: And I missed him so much here And I know
Speaker 3: there's like one random one somewhere right. I think it's
Speaker 3: like forty minutes away.
Speaker 6: From where I live in for most of each But
Speaker 6: what's your go to order?
Speaker 1: Oh, country fried steak, mashed potatoes. I get two fried
Speaker 1: eggs on top of the country fried steak, I get
Speaker 1: biscuits and gravy. I go hard at Cracker Barrel And
Speaker 1: by the way, I play the Genius Triangle game the
Speaker 1: entire time.
Speaker 6: To find out that I've never been to a Cracker,
Speaker 6: I'm the odd man out in this conversation. I know
Speaker 6: I'm from Seattle, which, by the way, I'm really close
Speaker 6: friends with Adam Ray. You two together time. No one
Speaker 6: loves Seattle more than doctor Phil. I mean, he is busy,
Speaker 6: Adam Ray.
Speaker 1: I took him to We did the arena wherever the
Speaker 1: teams played in the arena there, and then I got
Speaker 1: to I got a hit up from the Seahawks saying, Hey,
Speaker 1: do you want to come out to our practice. I
Speaker 1: wanted to meet coach Carrol. I'm obsessed with coaches. I'm
Speaker 1: obsessed with coaches because everyone on instam coach. I am too.
Speaker 1: He was great. He was a great guy. He said Bert,
Speaker 1: the key to life is finding the spaces in between
Speaker 1: the spaces enjoy those. And I was like, I'm wow.
Speaker 2: Smart. I don't know what you're saying.
Speaker 1: My only takeaway is is TK Metcalf K by the way, gorgeous, massive.
Speaker 4: Man chiseled just like a full specimen.
Speaker 6: I love that he wears number eighty because of Steve
Speaker 6: Largent growing up in Seattle.
Speaker 4: Like I love Steve Largent.
Speaker 6: Like that's like I mean, I like all different kinds
Speaker 6: of players, Like Dion Sanders was my favorite player growing up.
Speaker 6: You'll appreciate FSU but like I like the flashiness of Dion,
Speaker 6: but I also like the elegance of a Steve Largent
Speaker 6: that like handed the football to the official after he score,
Speaker 6: like then became a congressman whatever, but like not whatever,
Speaker 6: But I don't know. I just love Seattle sports, but
Speaker 6: not as much as Adam does.
Speaker 1: Adam, well, DK Metcalf comes up to us and he
Speaker 1: just done a practice, just worked out, and so I
Speaker 1: said to him, I was like, so, what's your day
Speaker 1: look like? Now you're gonna take an app play video games,
Speaker 1: just thinking that's what you do if you're a pro
Speaker 1: athlete and you're a millionaire and you're twenty three, twenty five,
Speaker 1: And he says, uh no, I have sign language classes.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to learn sign language, and I went, what
Speaker 1: he's like so cool? He just is like he's a
Speaker 1: curious dude and he's smart. And I was like, oh
Speaker 1: my god, this guy's not gonna waste his money. This
Speaker 1: guy's gonna be around forever. He's gonna have an amazing
Speaker 1: career after his career because he's a smart, fun, interesting dude.
Speaker 2: And I was like wow.
Speaker 1: And then he walked away, and then that's not the
Speaker 1: pro athlete I would have been. I would have been like, yeah,
Speaker 1: would you have been? I would have been North Doubt's forty.
Speaker 1: I would have been drinking, like I'm shocked. They still
Speaker 1: don't drink beers after like hockey games like that. They're
Speaker 1: all drunk in the in the room that they have. Well,
Speaker 1: I drank beers. I made the flyers, not in the
Speaker 1: locker room. Yeah, I made the fires drink beers. And
Speaker 1: they're like, yo, this cannot you cannot tell anyone about this.
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm telling everybody. After the game.
Speaker 2: I was like, guys, we're killing we're killing white claws.
Speaker 6: So we know that you love baseball, but if you
Speaker 6: could go like you're purf, like, would you have been
Speaker 6: to take in your in your mind, would you be
Speaker 6: a hockey player, football player, baseball player, basketball player, like
Speaker 6: you could be any professional athlete you want to be.
Speaker 1: I have an absolute love for base for playing baseball.
Speaker 1: I love everything about it, the rituals. I love the
Speaker 1: OCD that plays into baseball. I love everything about it.
Speaker 1: I'm a I'm a pretty good golfer, meaning I grew up.
Speaker 1: Everyone knows if you grow up in Florida, you can
Speaker 1: just play great golf. I don't have the mindset for golf.
Speaker 1: I think I don't have to shut your brain off
Speaker 1: and dial in and sink the putt like I am
Speaker 1: the guy that would choke. I would, But I always
Speaker 1: wonder even now, if like I could have dialed, I
Speaker 1: could have just I missed my window in like diving
Speaker 1: or like or like skiing, or like archery. You know,
Speaker 1: Geena Davis became an archer.
Speaker 6: At like forty five, and there's no crying in baseball
Speaker 6: or archery.
Speaker 2: Apparently she became an Olympic archer in like two thousand
Speaker 2: and one. Was like an Olympic archer.
Speaker 4: It's not too late.
Speaker 2: Joe Rogan's a great archer and he picked it up
Speaker 2: at fifty like, so can I wonder what my next
Speaker 2: my next thing is gonna be.
Speaker 3: Uh, it's gonna ask you that, Yeah, what is your
Speaker 3: next thing in life? Or just like on stage, what
Speaker 3: do you want to do anything?
Speaker 1: No, I'm looking to retire. I'm looking to I want
Speaker 1: to sell posos for eight hundred million dollars and then
Speaker 1: just live the life of an extravagant, eccentric comedian who
Speaker 1: only tours on his yacht. And I just hit sport
Speaker 1: cities and I I I fantasize about uh, but I'm
Speaker 1: not someone who can take time off, Like I'm supposed
Speaker 1: to take nine months off after i shoot my special
Speaker 1: in July. I'm shooting my special in Saint Petersburg and
Speaker 1: for Netflix, and I'm supposed to take nine months off
Speaker 1: and already I just was like I was just talking
Speaker 1: to Larired Hamilton. I was like, maybe I'll just go
Speaker 1: on to Hawaiian and surf or maybe I'll maybe I'll
Speaker 1: start a surfing channel, maybe I'll become I was like,
Speaker 1: what if I go out to Big Waves.
Speaker 2: With you guys?
Speaker 1: And he was like you should come, because you know
Speaker 1: he's a savage. He's like, you should, you.
Speaker 2: Can do it.
Speaker 6: You talk about that family. Oh my god, those jeans
Speaker 6: with Gabrielle Reese, I mean between her and I.
Speaker 1: Mean, they want to do a double a couple's date
Speaker 1: with me and my wife. And I was like, talk
Speaker 1: about bringing the scrubs with you? It's like, what are
Speaker 1: we going to talk about? Well?
Speaker 5: I just like, yeah, we have to wear a bathing suit.
Speaker 5: That would I would just.
Speaker 2: That's where they work out. They work out in their pool.
Speaker 6: No, you can't invite someone over and then they have
Speaker 6: to put a bathing suit on.
Speaker 2: No. I was like, it's going to be the only
Speaker 2: one in a one piece in that pool. Yeah. I
Speaker 2: don't know.
Speaker 1: I don't know if we're if we're ready to. I
Speaker 1: remember I remember when I hung out with Aaron Rodgers.
Speaker 1: He was like, hey, I got a place in California.
Speaker 1: We should go down to the beach together. And I
Speaker 1: was like yeah, and he was like, yeah, bring your wife.
Speaker 1: I have my girlfriend down there. And I was like, nah, pass,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to.
Speaker 2: Bring a woman around your twenty nine year old. What
Speaker 2: is he gonna make sandwiches? Make sure we're all get
Speaker 2: sand off us before we go inside.
Speaker 6: No, you're when you're with them, very healthy. You have
Speaker 6: a picture though in your house when you went back
Speaker 6: and performed right at Florida State.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, that was that was the most emotional.
Speaker 2: That was You're gonna you can get me to cry easy.
Speaker 2: I'm a big crier.
Speaker 1: But like so, I hadn't been to Florida State since
Speaker 1: I graduated, and since i'd done stand up there, I
Speaker 1: moved and I had a bad relationship with Florida State
Speaker 1: because they didn't graduate me because of the article.
Speaker 2: I had to take correspondence classes.
Speaker 4: Really because of that Rolling Stone article.
Speaker 1: Yeah, they say I defamed the school, and so they
Speaker 1: got they I get really into the sports side of this.
Speaker 1: I sat next to work done at graduation because they
Speaker 1: wanted his name called out before mine, so no one
Speaker 1: really heard mine and yeah, yeah no, And so I
Speaker 1: had like a bad taste in my mouth. So I
Speaker 1: had not been back to Tallahassee in twenty five years.
Speaker 1: I didn't realize we were performing in the Civic Center
Speaker 1: in the arena. I thought we were just doing like
Speaker 1: a Sometimes these arenas will have a theater, a theater
Speaker 1: in'side like a masive square garden.
Speaker 2: So I just figured that.
Speaker 1: There was a room in there that I was performing
Speaker 1: in and I got there, I got off my tour
Speaker 1: bus and I woke up early and there was a
Speaker 1: big sign and a red carpet that reached from my
Speaker 1: bus to in the arena that said welcome home Bertie Boy.
Speaker 1: Stop emotional and so so it I took the morning
Speaker 1: and I walked by myself around the campus just kind
Speaker 1: of seeing it and taking it in. I hadn't been
Speaker 1: there in twenty five years, want to see the changes.
Speaker 1: And I'd put on Instagram stories, you know, I'm here
Speaker 1: at Florida State, and kids were opening their windows and
Speaker 1: they were yelling out.
Speaker 2: Welcome home Bertie Boy. It was like it was like wild.
Speaker 2: It was so crazy.
Speaker 1: So then we go to do the show. And now, Aaron,
Speaker 1: I'll understand this very clearly. But when we were kids
Speaker 1: that Florida didn't have. Florida didn't have a ton of
Speaker 1: civic pride. We weren't like Boston or Pittsburgh. You know,
Speaker 1: your civic pride was ultimately found at Florida or Florida State.
Speaker 1: So that's where you became a member of that community.
Speaker 1: And my dad told me when I went to Florida State, Buddy,
Speaker 1: you have no idea what you're about to join into
Speaker 1: this is overwhelming. When you get to these games, you're
Speaker 1: going to feel like you're really a part of something
Speaker 1: I didn't understand.
Speaker 2: Next.
Speaker 1: I grew up in Tampa, So when I went to
Speaker 1: the first game in my freshman year and they threw
Speaker 1: the spear into the seminole head as a freshman, I
Speaker 1: started sobbing crying. I started, it's on fire, It's on fire.
Speaker 1: Cheap film comes out on Renegade. Renegade rears back on
Speaker 1: its rear legs and he spikes a burning spear into
Speaker 1: the head. I started sobbing, crying, and I cried every
Speaker 1: time they ever threw that spear into the every my
Speaker 1: whole six and a half seven years there. Every time
Speaker 1: it happened, I thop. So I get ready to do
Speaker 1: the show, and now, mind you, I still have a
Speaker 1: weird relationship with Florida State. I haven't really talked to
Speaker 1: anyone who works there. And they say, no, we have
Speaker 1: a present for you before the show. I thought they
Speaker 1: were going to give me a doctorate, like I thought
Speaker 1: they were gonna like Bill calls me me up and
Speaker 1: give me a capping down, And they presented me the
Speaker 1: spear and they said at all. I started sobbing, crying,
Speaker 1: and then I go out, I have a great show,
Speaker 1: and I bring the spear out on stage and there's
Speaker 1: like twelve thousand people and just channing the the war chant.
Speaker 1: And it was I mean, like to this day, you
Speaker 1: know when I think sometimes like on my death bet,
Speaker 1: what are my memories going to be?
Speaker 6: Like?
Speaker 1: What are the things that flashed before my eyes? And
Speaker 1: I hope that's one of them, because it was like
Speaker 1: a true connection of coming home and feeling like really
Speaker 1: really coming home. And then you know, I've been back since.
Speaker 1: I went back to a game and they brought me
Speaker 1: on the field and I saw coach normal and and
Speaker 1: they brought me down so that I could watch the
Speaker 1: spear go in and they had a camera on me bawling, crying.
Speaker 6: O good for you, A full circle moment cry.
Speaker 5: That'd be like me if I went back to Florida.
Speaker 5: I think gave you the mister two Bits Ties. You've
Speaker 5: got the spear, I've got the two bits Tie.
Speaker 1: It's crazy how those like weird, weird moments, especially in sports,
Speaker 1: can really unify and bring you together and make you
Speaker 1: feel a part of something.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 6: Yeah, it's not weird. I mean, it's exactly why Aaron
Speaker 6: and I love sports. It's the great unifier, right. I mean,
Speaker 6: politically you might not agree with someone. Religiously, you might
Speaker 6: not agree with someone, but if you're like I'm I
Speaker 6: went to Florida State. You went to Florida State, like
Speaker 6: you have a moment and like it brings everyone together.
Speaker 4: But we appreciate you taking time.
Speaker 6: You have so many things going on between your podcast,
Speaker 6: between Something's burning, you have a million things going on.
Speaker 6: Don't forget everybody tops off World Tour, You're back in
Speaker 6: Action and Grand Rapids, Michigan March seventh. When are you
Speaker 6: coming to LA so we can come support you.
Speaker 2: I'm in La at the Forum May eleventh, your Netflix.
Speaker 4: Yes.
Speaker 1: By the way, we don't know where it's going to happen,
Speaker 1: but I will say, uh, if you're a we're doing
Speaker 1: a five Me and Tom are organizing a five K
Speaker 1: by May that. We've got all our fans running, Cameron
Speaker 1: Haynes is running, Tim Dillon, Shane gillis, Christ de Stefano,
Speaker 1: all our friends are going to run, a bunch of
Speaker 1: comedians are going to run.
Speaker 4: It, and Aaron and I are in.
Speaker 2: That's all I wanted to hear just commit a soft commit.
Speaker 4: It's a hard commit.
Speaker 2: I don't.
Speaker 5: I mean, I'm not from I'm all in.
Speaker 4: It's awesome.
Speaker 6: Bert, thank you so much for making time for us.
Speaker 6: We appreciate you, guys.
Speaker 2: Thank you.
Speaker 1: And then my next question is when can I get
Speaker 1: you guys on my cooking show.
Speaker 2: Something's burning, Well, we're going to.
Speaker 6: Burn everything because we can't cook's we have literally you.
Speaker 2: All you got to do is drink white wine.
Speaker 4: Fine, incredible.
Speaker 6: I've got a great white wine story and that'll be
Speaker 6: a tease for us when we come on the show
Speaker 6: where someone yelled at me for drinking red wine while
Speaker 6: I was eating fish.
Speaker 4: That story is worth the listen. So thank you.
Speaker 2: So everyone knows you guys look beautiful.
Speaker 1: I am red as crap, but it's because I just
Speaker 1: got out of my sauna and polar plunge. Okayt's one
Speaker 1: fourteen over sixty five. I'm healthy. I weigh two hundred
Speaker 1: and thirty pounds. I'm on testosterone. I have a cardiologist
Speaker 1: appointment Friday. I am healthy. I'm just burnt up.
Speaker 2: For my sauna.
Speaker 5: Who you go to? I love a doctor.
Speaker 1: Oh, I got a doctor and he's from He's from Tampa.
Speaker 1: Oh wow, all he wants to.
Speaker 2: Talking about the bumps.
Speaker 4: All roads lead back to Tampa. These chill Bert. We
Speaker 4: love you.
Speaker 2: Thank you guys, thank you so much for having me on.
Speaker 3: Calm Down with Erin and Carissa is a production of iHeartRadio.
Speaker 6: For more podcasts from iHeart Radio, visit the iHeartRadio app,
Speaker 6: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.