1 00:00:00,320 --> 00:00:02,920 Speaker 1: Brought to you by the reinvented two thousand twelve camera. 2 00:00:03,200 --> 00:00:10,000 Speaker 1: It's ready. Are you welcome to stuff Mom never told you? 3 00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:18,280 Speaker 1: From house stufwards dot com. Hello and welcome to the podcast. 4 00:00:18,360 --> 00:00:21,600 Speaker 1: I'm Kristen and I'm Caroline, and today we are talking 5 00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:27,720 Speaker 1: about male friendships a k A. Dude ships, romance, a bromance. 6 00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:31,960 Speaker 1: Because last time on the podcast we talked about female 7 00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:38,960 Speaker 1: friendships a k a. Unfortunately phrenemies, hackneyed term that it is, 8 00:00:39,880 --> 00:00:43,760 Speaker 1: and we decided to look at male friendships today because 9 00:00:43,800 --> 00:00:46,960 Speaker 1: there is a lot of scholarship on male friendships, because 10 00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:50,880 Speaker 1: it seems like, in the eyes of academics, bromances. Are 11 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:57,600 Speaker 1: these just very special little gym's. Yeah, Like every everything 12 00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:03,080 Speaker 1: I read across the board with oh, men being friends 13 00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:07,360 Speaker 1: with each other? Look, look, everyone, friendship among men. They're 14 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:11,640 Speaker 1: breaking out of masculinity constructs and bonding. Can you believe 15 00:01:11,720 --> 00:01:14,400 Speaker 1: that they're self schema is allowing them to interact with 16 00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:18,920 Speaker 1: one another on a very personal level? Oh that's adorable. Yeah. 17 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:23,040 Speaker 1: And and as we mentioned in the last episode, history 18 00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:28,000 Speaker 1: has certainly romanticized male friendships. And I gotta say from 19 00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:34,800 Speaker 1: personal experience, there is something very particular about about the bromance. 20 00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:39,720 Speaker 1: I have a couple of of guy best friend pairs 21 00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:42,679 Speaker 1: in my life and and one of them it's these 22 00:01:42,680 --> 00:01:45,080 Speaker 1: two guys. Um, there's some of my closest friends. They 23 00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:48,240 Speaker 1: grew up on the same street together. They have lived 24 00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:53,640 Speaker 1: together now for years. Um. And riding around in the 25 00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:56,760 Speaker 1: car with them when they're in the front seat and 26 00:01:56,800 --> 00:02:00,680 Speaker 1: I'm just sort of a bystander is incredible because their 27 00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:04,920 Speaker 1: conversation doesn't stop, but it only involves things like like, 28 00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:10,000 Speaker 1: you know, explosives and you know, if they what kind 29 00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:16,040 Speaker 1: of a lot of discussions on ideal superpowers, um, you know, 30 00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:20,480 Speaker 1: random sports minutia, and it's stuff like that that has 31 00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:23,160 Speaker 1: made a lot of people say, well, male friendships aren't 32 00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:26,440 Speaker 1: as deep or as genuine as female friendships. There's a 33 00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:28,880 Speaker 1: lot of stuff written out there about how well you 34 00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:32,440 Speaker 1: you just stop judging us by your feminine standards, right, 35 00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:35,400 Speaker 1: We're not the same as you. And so yeah, there's 36 00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:38,840 Speaker 1: there's been, um there's been sort of a looking down 37 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:44,160 Speaker 1: upon of male friendship because well, they're just talking about superpowers. 38 00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:47,160 Speaker 1: How how close can they possibly be? Yeah, but I mean, 39 00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:49,920 Speaker 1: I'll be honest with you too. It will diverge eventually, 40 00:02:49,919 --> 00:02:53,400 Speaker 1: into gossip. Man, you know what I'm talking about. You 41 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:57,720 Speaker 1: got to just waggled her fingers. I did. So let's 42 00:02:57,720 --> 00:03:03,600 Speaker 1: talk about maybe a history of male friendships because they 43 00:03:03,639 --> 00:03:08,280 Speaker 1: were seen as more noble than marital love, because women 44 00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:16,280 Speaker 1: are just flawed Jezebel. Exactly. It's what I've been saying forever. Um, yeah, exactly. 45 00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:20,720 Speaker 1: Women were seen as the inferior sex, and so there 46 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:24,639 Speaker 1: was something very um, wonderful and warm and tingly about 47 00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:27,520 Speaker 1: male friendships because they didn't have another outlet. It's not 48 00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:31,000 Speaker 1: like men and women back then were hanging out on 49 00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:33,080 Speaker 1: the weekends or whatever. No, it was it was just 50 00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:35,320 Speaker 1: men hanging out with other men, and so they had 51 00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:38,800 Speaker 1: to kind of get this affection somewhere, and so there 52 00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:42,040 Speaker 1: was this glowing, this glowing view of friendship back then. 53 00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:46,040 Speaker 1: There's one historical example that piqued my interest, which was 54 00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:51,200 Speaker 1: Abraham Lincoln and his very dear friend Joshua Speed And 55 00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:55,320 Speaker 1: for four years they shared a bed and they wrote 56 00:03:55,400 --> 00:04:01,080 Speaker 1: letters back and forth constantly, even after they parted ways geographically, 57 00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:06,080 Speaker 1: and there was a speculation that because of the intimacy 58 00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:09,480 Speaker 1: of that friendship, it must have meant that Abraham Lincoln 59 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:13,720 Speaker 1: was gay because by our twenty one century standards of 60 00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:16,480 Speaker 1: of masculinity and such, the idea of two men sharing 61 00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:18,599 Speaker 1: a bed for four years there had to be some 62 00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:23,120 Speaker 1: hanky panky. But in fact, in the nineteenth century it 63 00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:26,800 Speaker 1: was not uncommon for French tiersman to sleep too or 64 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:30,200 Speaker 1: even three to a bed, just for economical reasons and 65 00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:33,800 Speaker 1: those kinds. Sometimes it was cold, yeah, exactly. And the 66 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:39,599 Speaker 1: kind of homophobic physical barriers um were not in place 67 00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:42,359 Speaker 1: at that time, right, and they really didn't come about 68 00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:45,120 Speaker 1: until really the turn of the twentieth century when psychologists 69 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:48,600 Speaker 1: started examining homosexuality, and all of a sudden, all these 70 00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:51,520 Speaker 1: men were looking at each other like, oh uh oh no, 71 00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:54,160 Speaker 1: I wasn't what I I'm going to go over here 72 00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:57,240 Speaker 1: with these women look at me and these women. So yeah, 73 00:04:57,320 --> 00:04:59,080 Speaker 1: it's the same kind of thing that I just mentioned 74 00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:02,040 Speaker 1: in the nineteenth century, where there were definitely very rigid 75 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:06,280 Speaker 1: social constructs, you know what, men came according in the 76 00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:10,000 Speaker 1: parlor and sat everybody was supervised and everything. There really 77 00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:13,240 Speaker 1: wasn't much opportunity for men and women to socialize together. 78 00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:18,599 Speaker 1: And so these male friendships became just very close, and they, 79 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:21,920 Speaker 1: especially in nineteenth century America, were marked by an intense 80 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:25,599 Speaker 1: bond and filled with deeply held feeling and sentimentality, which 81 00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:30,719 Speaker 1: sounds a lot like a mirroring of female friendship now. Yeah. Um, 82 00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:33,479 Speaker 1: And we found an article on a history of male 83 00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:36,359 Speaker 1: friendships over at the Art of Manliness dot com and 84 00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:40,600 Speaker 1: they call out a book called Picturing Men, A Century 85 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:44,840 Speaker 1: of Male Relationships in Everyday American Photography by John Ibsen. 86 00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:47,039 Speaker 1: And even though I read that title quickly, if you 87 00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:52,400 Speaker 1: do google image it it these these images of these 88 00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:56,479 Speaker 1: men holding hands and hugging and just being very physically 89 00:05:56,520 --> 00:06:01,320 Speaker 1: affectionate standing, yeah, sitting on lap standing, So start contrast 90 00:06:01,839 --> 00:06:06,520 Speaker 1: to that kind of feeling personal space, the side hug, yeah, 91 00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:10,279 Speaker 1: the fist bump, yeah yeah. And this was the writer's 92 00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:12,520 Speaker 1: over at Art of Manliness said that this is it 93 00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:15,880 Speaker 1: depicts a manliness quite foreign to us, now, which is 94 00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:17,960 Speaker 1: exactly right. I mean, I looked at these pictures and 95 00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:20,720 Speaker 1: I thought, I don't know anyone who would pose like that. 96 00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:24,000 Speaker 1: But it wasn't uncommon. It wasn't like these pictures were staged. 97 00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:26,040 Speaker 1: And I mean they were staged, but you know, it's 98 00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:28,720 Speaker 1: not like, Okay, let's make a really hysterical picture. Now. 99 00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:31,920 Speaker 1: It was just normal, Hey, we're buddies. We're gonna hold hands, 100 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:36,080 Speaker 1: lock arms and take this photo. But like you said, Caroline, 101 00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:40,120 Speaker 1: things started to change in the twentieth century, not only 102 00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:47,080 Speaker 1: with that psychological attention to homosexuality and the rising um 103 00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:49,839 Speaker 1: self consciousness because of it, but also because of the 104 00:06:49,839 --> 00:06:54,920 Speaker 1: Industrial Revolution and social Darwinism that arguably changed how men 105 00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:59,160 Speaker 1: looked at one another. It shifted things from being peers 106 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:04,440 Speaker 1: to competitors. Yeah, you're you're competing for you know, if 107 00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:07,320 Speaker 1: you're everybody's moving into the cities during the Industrial Revolution, 108 00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:09,640 Speaker 1: so you're not only competing for jobs, but you're competing 109 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:11,840 Speaker 1: for a space to live, and for resources, and for 110 00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:16,000 Speaker 1: ladies presumably I don't know wives, who knows, but anyway, 111 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:19,200 Speaker 1: so moving on, you know, we start to get this 112 00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:22,320 Speaker 1: increased mobility. You know, people are moving to cities and 113 00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:24,800 Speaker 1: they're not putting down roots, so maybe they're not developing 114 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:28,040 Speaker 1: friendships that are as strong. They don't have people they've 115 00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:31,080 Speaker 1: known since childhood on the farm. Um. And then we've 116 00:07:31,080 --> 00:07:34,040 Speaker 1: got the rise of leisure activities and this, uh, the 117 00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:38,320 Speaker 1: writers that art of mainliness argue leads to gendered friendships 118 00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:40,520 Speaker 1: because with the rise of leisure activities, you have more 119 00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:43,320 Speaker 1: sports and outdoor activities, and that sort of becomes the 120 00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:46,680 Speaker 1: framework for male friendships because they're out there planning sports, 121 00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:49,360 Speaker 1: they're playing football or soccer or golf or whatever, and 122 00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:52,520 Speaker 1: that's sort of what they end up forming their friendships on, 123 00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:55,080 Speaker 1: not not so much the deep emotional bonds that were 124 00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:59,680 Speaker 1: so familiar in the nineteenth century. Right. Um, male friendships 125 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:03,160 Speaker 1: are often categorized as activity friends. You know, they're the 126 00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:05,280 Speaker 1: people who you meet up with to go play golf 127 00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:08,960 Speaker 1: or meet up with for a drink, as opposed to 128 00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:12,880 Speaker 1: girl friends who might tend to just kind of sit 129 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:16,080 Speaker 1: around a little bit more together exactly. And that's that 130 00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:19,840 Speaker 1: The side decide versus face to face term is something 131 00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:23,680 Speaker 1: that was coined by Paul Wright, and that comes up 132 00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:27,080 Speaker 1: again and again on in studies on friendship, that that 133 00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:30,320 Speaker 1: men are side to side friends. They're going out in 134 00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:33,720 Speaker 1: the world, they're doing things together, whether it's playing sports 135 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:36,480 Speaker 1: or you know whatever, whereas women are more face to 136 00:08:36,559 --> 00:08:39,680 Speaker 1: face friends, because we tend to get together and and talk, 137 00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:42,960 Speaker 1: you know, have drinks with each other and go over 138 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:48,079 Speaker 1: our lives and whatever. So record podcast record podcasts were 139 00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:52,080 Speaker 1: face to face look at us how perfect example, but 140 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:55,400 Speaker 1: Just because there might be a side by side versus 141 00:08:55,640 --> 00:09:02,320 Speaker 1: face to face does not diminish the quality of male friendships, 142 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:05,520 Speaker 1: as more recent scholarship has known. As much as we 143 00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:09,000 Speaker 1: might want to just write off bromances as a product 144 00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:14,360 Speaker 1: of Judd Apatel's comedic genius, there is a lot of 145 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:17,880 Speaker 1: value in them, even though I cannot personally say that 146 00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:22,440 Speaker 1: I've ever been first person involved and a bromance. Yeah, 147 00:09:22,559 --> 00:09:26,600 Speaker 1: that's okay. It sounds awesome though. Yeah. Jeffrey Grief, a 148 00:09:26,640 --> 00:09:29,120 Speaker 1: professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work, 149 00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:32,120 Speaker 1: has done a lot of research on male friendships, and 150 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:34,800 Speaker 1: he has a blog over at Psychology Today where he 151 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:38,680 Speaker 1: touches on questions and writes little entries about male friendship. 152 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:41,320 Speaker 1: And he said that although men might not be physically 153 00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:44,960 Speaker 1: or emotionally expressive, they still derive great support from their friendships, 154 00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:48,440 Speaker 1: and in an interview with The Washington Examiner, he said 155 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:50,200 Speaker 1: he wanted to find out through it through a book 156 00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:53,800 Speaker 1: he wrote where he interviewed several hundred men about their friendships. 157 00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:56,319 Speaker 1: He wanted to find out how much of society is 158 00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:59,600 Speaker 1: driven by competitions between men. Men being afraid to be 159 00:09:59,679 --> 00:10:03,640 Speaker 1: vulner doable and men's inability to connect. He goes back 160 00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:06,440 Speaker 1: to childhood and says, we have to allow boys to 161 00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:09,040 Speaker 1: be close without trying to outdo each other or best 162 00:10:09,080 --> 00:10:12,040 Speaker 1: the other. In all endeavors, historically, we raise our boys 163 00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:14,720 Speaker 1: to act like men, so that being vulnerable and physically 164 00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:18,120 Speaker 1: close are sometimes discouraged by parents. So he's going all 165 00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:20,760 Speaker 1: the way back to childhood. How how even parents can 166 00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:24,800 Speaker 1: affect how men end up interacting with each other absolutely um. 167 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:27,200 Speaker 1: And the book that he wrote is called Buddy System 168 00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:32,160 Speaker 1: Understanding Male Friendships, and he breaks male friendships down into 169 00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:40,280 Speaker 1: four rhyming categories. Remember four rhyming categories, must, trust, rust, 170 00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:46,520 Speaker 1: and just and right. Must He breaks it down. It's 171 00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:49,720 Speaker 1: it's interesting how he breaks it down. Must they're your 172 00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:52,600 Speaker 1: must friends, like your best friends. They know everything about you. 173 00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:56,240 Speaker 1: You're very close with them. Your trust friends that's maybe 174 00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:58,480 Speaker 1: not someone you have to have in your life, but 175 00:10:58,520 --> 00:11:02,280 Speaker 1: that you would. You would trust them with your private thoughts. 176 00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:04,680 Speaker 1: You might confide in them. The rust friends are the 177 00:11:04,679 --> 00:11:06,840 Speaker 1: people that maybe your wife is like, why do you 178 00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:09,600 Speaker 1: still hang out with that person? Um? But you've known 179 00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:11,760 Speaker 1: them since childhood, so you keep them around. Like the 180 00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:15,360 Speaker 1: Jason Siegel character. And I love you man, sure, exactly, 181 00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:18,720 Speaker 1: a little bit of a wild card. And then there's 182 00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:21,480 Speaker 1: just which I think, uh, it's it's definitely not as 183 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:24,040 Speaker 1: close as the others. Even the rust friends, the just 184 00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:27,079 Speaker 1: friends are just that their their acquaintances. They're not maybe 185 00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:30,360 Speaker 1: people you ever confide your private thoughts or your your 186 00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:33,720 Speaker 1: irks and annoyances with, but they're there to hang out with, 187 00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:37,240 Speaker 1: maybe at a poker game or something. So they're of 188 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:40,960 Speaker 1: your friends on Facebook? Correct, are your just friends? Correct? 189 00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:45,720 Speaker 1: Those people that maybe you haven't hidden yet, right. Uh. 190 00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:52,760 Speaker 1: And grief also characterizes male friendships is having less physical contact, 191 00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:58,000 Speaker 1: less verbal communication, and more light competition as a way 192 00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:04,680 Speaker 1: to foster interaction, in other words, leveraging activities and well 193 00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:09,199 Speaker 1: really just golfing to to share. But a lot of 194 00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:13,000 Speaker 1: times what you share is going to be more external information, 195 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:18,680 Speaker 1: such as your taste in say, explosives or superpowers or music. 196 00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:21,320 Speaker 1: I mean, I'm not trying to make light of mail 197 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:25,079 Speaker 1: to Maile conversation, but I'm serious, that's superpower conversation has 198 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:29,120 Speaker 1: come up a lot of times. Yeah, yeah, I agree 199 00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:32,160 Speaker 1: with you. I've heard that conversation. But yeah, grief, there 200 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:33,840 Speaker 1: there are a lot of other researchers out there, And 201 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:36,439 Speaker 1: one one interview that I really enjoyed reading was with 202 00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:40,320 Speaker 1: Dr Naobi Way. She's a New York University professor who's 203 00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:44,640 Speaker 1: focused a lot on UM boys friendships and she got 204 00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:47,520 Speaker 1: the idea to to focus on this in her life 205 00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:50,439 Speaker 1: UM by watching her younger brother's heartache when his best 206 00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:53,360 Speaker 1: friend from across the street into their relationship. And that's 207 00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:55,160 Speaker 1: when it occurred to her that, wow, you know, boys 208 00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:56,760 Speaker 1: just don't have an outlet. They don't know where to 209 00:12:56,800 --> 00:12:59,360 Speaker 1: go and how to handle this when something like this happens. 210 00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:02,600 Speaker 1: Whereas you know, if little girls have a falling out 211 00:13:02,679 --> 00:13:06,439 Speaker 1: or young young women, they usually have a really strong, 212 00:13:06,679 --> 00:13:10,160 Speaker 1: kind of wide social network to turn to UM. But 213 00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:12,360 Speaker 1: her brother didn't, and he, she says to the stay, 214 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,600 Speaker 1: he still doesn't like to talk about it well. And 215 00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:18,200 Speaker 1: through the research that she did for her book Deep Secrets, Boys, 216 00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:22,200 Speaker 1: Friendships and the Crisis of Connection, she writes, eventually a 217 00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:25,960 Speaker 1: boy has to choose between a boyfriend and a girlfriend. 218 00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:30,360 Speaker 1: Obviously she's talking about straight boys, but you know, I 219 00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:34,920 Speaker 1: can understand that that divergence between moving from platonic into 220 00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:37,880 Speaker 1: the romantic realm, and it does eat up a lot 221 00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:40,120 Speaker 1: of your attention, and that's why a lot of times 222 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:44,280 Speaker 1: with these adult male friendships, a lot of the interaction 223 00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:48,960 Speaker 1: is focused on more superficial kind of stuff because they 224 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:53,840 Speaker 1: take the emotional conversations to their mate, which is the 225 00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:56,800 Speaker 1: opposite of what we read about a lot of female 226 00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:59,040 Speaker 1: friendships and what we a lot of us know firsthand 227 00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:01,440 Speaker 1: to be true, which is that women tend to not 228 00:14:01,559 --> 00:14:05,640 Speaker 1: turn to their husbands in terms of needing support wanting 229 00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:07,600 Speaker 1: to vent. Although you know, I'm sure women been to 230 00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:10,520 Speaker 1: their husbands. I'm not saying you don't, but women have, 231 00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:12,920 Speaker 1: you know, like I said, broader social networks to turn to. 232 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:14,920 Speaker 1: They don't want to have their spouse be their sole 233 00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:18,400 Speaker 1: outlet for everything in life. But men tend to reserve 234 00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:20,840 Speaker 1: their friendships for We're gonna have a good time, We're 235 00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:23,440 Speaker 1: gonna go out and play golf, We're gonna hang out. 236 00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:25,760 Speaker 1: I'm not going to tell him everything I'm worried about 237 00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:28,360 Speaker 1: at work or things going on with my children. Necessarily, 238 00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:31,680 Speaker 1: it seems like more of a priority, and we talked 239 00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:35,920 Speaker 1: about that along the podcast, possibly undergirded by evolution a 240 00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:40,120 Speaker 1: priority to for women to have that and maintain a 241 00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:44,880 Speaker 1: very active social network outside of the mate. Just in Catsey, 242 00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:48,800 Speaker 1: the size to get up and leave. We are ready 243 00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:51,520 Speaker 1: for the other shoot to drop at any time. That's 244 00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:56,720 Speaker 1: so optimistic. Thank you evolution Um. But in writing for 245 00:14:56,880 --> 00:15:00,360 Speaker 1: Psychology Today, Grief, who was the one who wrote Buddy System, 246 00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:05,720 Speaker 1: understanding male friendships. He sees bromances as a way to 247 00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:08,960 Speaker 1: refer to new relationships. He says, guys meet each other 248 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:12,320 Speaker 1: and get into doing things together, and they're usually excited 249 00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:14,680 Speaker 1: about finding someone who likes to do the same things 250 00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:18,200 Speaker 1: as them. Old friends often don't have that same feel. 251 00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:21,000 Speaker 1: The old friend is a stable friend, the go to guy. 252 00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:24,080 Speaker 1: Would he be a must? Yeah, I guess the old 253 00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:26,240 Speaker 1: friend would either be a must or a rust. I 254 00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:30,000 Speaker 1: guess the bromance would be a just that is going 255 00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:33,720 Speaker 1: to become a trust, and the new friend has a 256 00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:36,600 Speaker 1: fresher and more exciting feel to him. Here's the thing, though, 257 00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:40,560 Speaker 1: this does not sound all that different from the process 258 00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:45,200 Speaker 1: of making new lady friends. You know, new girls are exciting, 259 00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:48,040 Speaker 1: but there are Remember the last podcast I said, google 260 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:51,080 Speaker 1: female friendships and you will be shocked at how many 261 00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:54,200 Speaker 1: like dating esque websites there are on how to make 262 00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:57,480 Speaker 1: female friends. That it's definitely not the same for men. 263 00:15:57,560 --> 00:16:01,800 Speaker 1: You google men friendships or male friendships, and it's like, oh, 264 00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:04,600 Speaker 1: it's it's a lot of scholarship and articles and all 265 00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:06,920 Speaker 1: sorts of stuff about how awesome men are and their 266 00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:10,360 Speaker 1: friendships are just so precious. But were there all of 267 00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:13,760 Speaker 1: those kind of friend finders that it seemed like men 268 00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:18,600 Speaker 1: were as actively looking. Yeah, that could be totally Yeah, 269 00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:21,400 Speaker 1: that could sum it up. Maybe men just aren't like, 270 00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:23,320 Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I have to get on the on 271 00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:26,960 Speaker 1: the internet and find friends. Well, because maybe that relates 272 00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:32,240 Speaker 1: back to that sort of socialized fear of intimacy or 273 00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:35,240 Speaker 1: at least of not wanting to seem like you're seeking 274 00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:40,560 Speaker 1: out intimacy because it could be perceived as feminine and 275 00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:45,840 Speaker 1: needy exactly. Um, not to conflate those two terms, No, 276 00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:50,160 Speaker 1: of course not. Yeah, so as far as um, maybe 277 00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:54,560 Speaker 1: appearing feminine by seeking out these relationships. A study by 278 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:57,920 Speaker 1: Jonathan Bowman at the University of San Diego examined research 279 00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:00,800 Speaker 1: that shows men are unlikely to discuss personal topics with 280 00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:03,640 Speaker 1: male friends. We've covered that, it makes sense, we understand that, 281 00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:06,200 Speaker 1: but he says that research has shown that people act 282 00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:10,960 Speaker 1: according to their cognitive generalizations of self. In other words, 283 00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:13,879 Speaker 1: people with a masculine self schema, if you consider yourself 284 00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:16,560 Speaker 1: to be a very masculine person, Christian is pointing to herself, 285 00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:22,359 Speaker 1: um are able to enact stereotypically masculine information and behaviors 286 00:17:22,359 --> 00:17:25,679 Speaker 1: more quickly than those with a feminine self schema. So 287 00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:29,440 Speaker 1: whereas I have a feminine self schema, so I might 288 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:32,720 Speaker 1: go on the internet and look for friends, I wouldn't 289 00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:39,639 Speaker 1: um sissy um. People with a more masculine self schema 290 00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:42,119 Speaker 1: are like, I don't need that. I have friends. I 291 00:17:42,119 --> 00:17:44,159 Speaker 1: have buddies that I talked to once a year or 292 00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:47,240 Speaker 1: go golfing with on one Sunday a month. I'm fine. 293 00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:50,200 Speaker 1: So it could be not that they're trying to necessarily 294 00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:53,840 Speaker 1: even avoid looking feminine, but maybe they're just like, well, 295 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:56,000 Speaker 1: that's not what guys do. I don't feel the need 296 00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:58,160 Speaker 1: to do it, or in the words of one guy 297 00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:05,480 Speaker 1: briefly dated Kristen, I have enough friends. Well there is that. 298 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:10,440 Speaker 1: But here's the thing though about these, uh these self 299 00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:15,560 Speaker 1: schemas that the study also found is that we're not 300 00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:19,199 Speaker 1: necessarily standing on either side of the spectrum. I'm not 301 00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:22,320 Speaker 1: holding down on the masculine til the schema camp with 302 00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:27,040 Speaker 1: not a trace of femininity in me uh he. What 303 00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:32,280 Speaker 1: the researcher did was used the bem sexual inventory, which 304 00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:36,040 Speaker 1: is a nice way of showing how your different personality 305 00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:39,920 Speaker 1: traits can intersect to reflect both masculinity and femininity, thus 306 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:44,560 Speaker 1: creating it a lovely spectrum. And his research found that 307 00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:49,200 Speaker 1: there were enough androgynous traits that men and women share 308 00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:55,040 Speaker 1: that actually provides or fosters at least interpersonal disclosure even 309 00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:59,919 Speaker 1: in male friendships, possibly making this whole stereotype that men 310 00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:05,600 Speaker 1: and aren't sharing a little bit uh inaccurate. Could be 311 00:19:06,119 --> 00:19:08,680 Speaker 1: not necessarily to say that there is as much self 312 00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:13,160 Speaker 1: disclosure as there would be with female relationships, but let's 313 00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:17,040 Speaker 1: not discount the fact that surely it does happen, and 314 00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:19,679 Speaker 1: the ways that men interact certainly evolved, particularly as they 315 00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:22,680 Speaker 1: get older. Um. Going back to talking about Naobi Way, 316 00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:26,840 Speaker 1: the New York University professor, she she talked to a 317 00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:29,200 Speaker 1: lot of boys, and over time, as they got older, 318 00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:32,280 Speaker 1: she realized that the intensity of their friendships began to 319 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:35,399 Speaker 1: fade because they feared being seen as too girly or 320 00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:39,439 Speaker 1: gay for expressing attachments to one another. And that is 321 00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:44,160 Speaker 1: not really what researchers have found in the UK at all. 322 00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:48,040 Speaker 1: It's actually the opposite of what one study found, and 323 00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:52,000 Speaker 1: that was by American sociologist Eric Anderson, who says that 324 00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:54,399 Speaker 1: it's normal in the UK for young straight boys to 325 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:57,080 Speaker 1: sleep in the same bed frequently and to cuddle. And 326 00:19:57,080 --> 00:20:00,639 Speaker 1: he found that of heterosexual undergraduate in the UK that 327 00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:02,919 Speaker 1: he talked to had kissed a straight male friend on 328 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:06,600 Speaker 1: the lips at least once, compared with only seven percent 329 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:10,719 Speaker 1: of male US undergrads he talked to. Yeah, m his 330 00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:14,879 Speaker 1: studies at least have found that American UH frat boys 331 00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:18,480 Speaker 1: have revealed themselves to be increasingly comfortable with same sex 332 00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:23,960 Speaker 1: physical and emotional intimacy, which is in contrast to a 333 00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,240 Speaker 1: book called guy Land, which some of you out there 334 00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:30,119 Speaker 1: might have read by Michael Kimmel that really looks at 335 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:34,680 Speaker 1: that whole um sort of white, upper middle class male 336 00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:39,600 Speaker 1: young adult culture and is terrified by it because it 337 00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:45,760 Speaker 1: just constantly reinforces negative masculinity traits um. But he says 338 00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:49,280 Speaker 1: that the sociologists Eric Anderson also says that he's found 339 00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:53,240 Speaker 1: that the US consistently ranks twenty percentage points higher on 340 00:20:53,359 --> 00:20:56,760 Speaker 1: homophobia compared to the UK. But I feel like this 341 00:20:57,040 --> 00:21:01,440 Speaker 1: might be it might be getting better. I think so too. 342 00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:04,439 Speaker 1: I think, uh, there was a lot of stuff I 343 00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:08,480 Speaker 1: read that showed that younger the younger generation, particularly teens, 344 00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,840 Speaker 1: young teens in high school or whatever, are definitely more 345 00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:15,000 Speaker 1: comfortable with their gay peers and are not so scared 346 00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:20,000 Speaker 1: about expressing um affection for their friends because you know, 347 00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:22,120 Speaker 1: they're just more comfortable with themselves. Well, and I would 348 00:21:22,119 --> 00:21:26,080 Speaker 1: say too that the whole romance meme that's probably helped things. 349 00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:29,320 Speaker 1: That's okay to say I love you man, right, It's 350 00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:32,359 Speaker 1: it's fine to have a super close buddy. And I 351 00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:35,520 Speaker 1: will say that with all of this research we've been 352 00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:38,199 Speaker 1: calling out, there was one big gap, and it's a 353 00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:41,119 Speaker 1: gap that comes up so often and a lot of 354 00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:44,479 Speaker 1: our research is that I didn't find many studies on 355 00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:51,160 Speaker 1: homosexual male friendships and how that might interact with things. UM. 356 00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:54,520 Speaker 1: So that would be something to go back and take 357 00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:57,080 Speaker 1: a closer look at, especially when we're talking about those 358 00:21:57,119 --> 00:22:01,560 Speaker 1: cognitive schemas and see the friendship not only between two 359 00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:03,879 Speaker 1: gay men, but maybe a gay man and a straight man. 360 00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:08,960 Speaker 1: There was, Yeah, there was nothing really that I found. Well, 361 00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:11,199 Speaker 1: so what do you think, guys do you have do 362 00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:13,760 Speaker 1: you have the best buddy. Do you confide in your 363 00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:17,560 Speaker 1: must friend but just play poker with your just friend. 364 00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:23,399 Speaker 1: Do you have a female confidant that you take your real, 365 00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:28,480 Speaker 1: deep bleeding heart feelings too. How do you work things out? 366 00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:31,440 Speaker 1: Because this is one of those instances where we Caroline 367 00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:34,560 Speaker 1: and I obviously have no first person experience, so we're 368 00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:37,439 Speaker 1: relying on you fellas to let us know. Is this 369 00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:40,760 Speaker 1: a bunch of stereotype about bromance or is it true? 370 00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:43,560 Speaker 1: Are are you? Is the side by side versus face 371 00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:48,680 Speaker 1: to face fact? Let us know, Mom stuff at Discovery 372 00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:52,919 Speaker 1: dot com is our email address, and we've got a 373 00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:59,719 Speaker 1: couple of letters there from there to share. Okay, this 374 00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:04,000 Speaker 1: is a response to our episode on Martha Stewart, and 375 00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:08,440 Speaker 1: she wrote to offer some praise for Martha. I think 376 00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:11,320 Speaker 1: Martha has gotten a lot of flak for being too perfect, 377 00:23:11,359 --> 00:23:14,560 Speaker 1: and to some extent they're right, Martha represents the highest 378 00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:16,960 Speaker 1: standard of domesticity. But I see here as someone to 379 00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:20,639 Speaker 1: set an example, not necessarily a standard I need to reach. 380 00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:23,000 Speaker 1: As for being a feminist, when you mentioned the fact 381 00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:25,760 Speaker 1: that Martha is divorce and not doing these domestic activities 382 00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:27,919 Speaker 1: for a man, it really struck a chord with me 383 00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:30,400 Speaker 1: that I couldn't put my finger on. Before. I grew 384 00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:33,159 Speaker 1: up in a home that shirked traditional gender roles, so 385 00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:35,439 Speaker 1: I never really experienced the whole clean the house and 386 00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:39,040 Speaker 1: pearls and have dinner ready when the hubby gets home thing. However, 387 00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:41,480 Speaker 1: my father took extreme pride in keeping her house clean, 388 00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:45,000 Speaker 1: making sure everything was in working order, and cooking. He 389 00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:47,360 Speaker 1: pointed out that a lot of men disparage these activities 390 00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:49,600 Speaker 1: as women's work, but most of them have no clue 391 00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:51,520 Speaker 1: how to cook a decent meal or properly clean a 392 00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:54,000 Speaker 1: house top to bottom. To me, it's about being the 393 00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:56,159 Speaker 1: best he can be. It has nothing to do with 394 00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:59,600 Speaker 1: being a subservient or feminine. Some people may say these 395 00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:03,040 Speaker 1: activity are too traditionally feminine and even go against feminism, 396 00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:05,800 Speaker 1: but I think that logic in itself is anti feminist. 397 00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:09,480 Speaker 1: By shaming women for enjoying domestic activities like cooking, housekeeping, 398 00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:13,480 Speaker 1: and crafting, we're telling them that these feminine activities are 399 00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:16,479 Speaker 1: not good enough. As you said, feminism is about choices, 400 00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:18,320 Speaker 1: and I don't feel like my hobbies make me any 401 00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:20,720 Speaker 1: less of a feminist. I see Martha Moore as a 402 00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:23,520 Speaker 1: woman who refused to be told her passions weren't good 403 00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:27,240 Speaker 1: enough and pursued them to great success other than being 404 00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:31,959 Speaker 1: a golden age housewife. Very true. This is from Kristen 405 00:24:32,080 --> 00:24:36,360 Speaker 1: in response to our Men and Women Exercise podcast. She says, 406 00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:38,359 Speaker 1: I was at the gym. I just had to write 407 00:24:38,359 --> 00:24:40,560 Speaker 1: in because I'm one of those women working my tail 408 00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:43,159 Speaker 1: off every day literally and can't lose the weight. I 409 00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:45,000 Speaker 1: had a baby one year ago, but I have not 410 00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:47,640 Speaker 1: been able to lose a single pound. I have checked 411 00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:50,080 Speaker 1: with my doctor and while I have a very limmetabolism, 412 00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:52,880 Speaker 1: it's still normal. I eat healthy, I'm at the gym 413 00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:57,560 Speaker 1: two hours a day, six days a week. Who but 414 00:24:57,600 --> 00:25:00,399 Speaker 1: those stubborn pounds will not come off. I wonder if 415 00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:03,679 Speaker 1: you have another podcast about the women Ways to lose weight. 416 00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:08,840 Speaker 1: If not, maybe soon in the future perhaps, but just 417 00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:11,160 Speaker 1: don't carve below. That's what I gotta tell you exactly. 418 00:25:12,119 --> 00:25:13,919 Speaker 1: So again, if you've got an email you'd like to 419 00:25:13,920 --> 00:25:17,199 Speaker 1: send our way. Mom Stuff at Discovery dot com is 420 00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:19,359 Speaker 1: the address to send them to, or you can leave 421 00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:22,199 Speaker 1: us a note over on Facebook, or send us a 422 00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:27,040 Speaker 1: very short note on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast. And 423 00:25:27,080 --> 00:25:29,400 Speaker 1: of course you can always check out the blog during 424 00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:32,320 Speaker 1: the week it's stuff Mom Never told You at how 425 00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:40,280 Speaker 1: stuff works dot com. 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