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Speaker 1: Hey, this is Sam. This is John the og story

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Speaker 1: Time podcast host. Oh yeah, and we got some great

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Speaker 1: stories coming up.

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Speaker 2: But before that we get a teeny two minute break

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Speaker 2: from the sponsors that keep this show propped up like

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Speaker 2: a little house.

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Speaker 1: Oh you, I am expecting a child in a family

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Speaker 1: that is awful to me, expecting them where there is

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Speaker 1: a trigger warning here if you mentions of physical altercations?

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Speaker 1: Am I the ahole for cutting off my father and

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Speaker 1: sister in law from my daughter's life? I, twenty female male,

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Speaker 1: and my husband, twenty one male, are going to have

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Speaker 1: a daughter do in January. We have been together for

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Speaker 1: almost three years, have our own apartment and stable jobs.

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Speaker 1: Neither of us have a good childhood or a good

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Speaker 1: relationship with our own parents, but my husband has it

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Speaker 1: more neutral than I do. And by the way, this

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Speaker 1: comes from user witness difficult nine four five nine. And

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Speaker 1: if you want to submit your own stories for to

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Speaker 1: the our slash Showkay Storytime sbody where this story was submitted.

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Speaker 3: I'm Dakota, I'm Sophia, I'm Angie.

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Speaker 1: None. We're here to give you good advice goofully, but

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Speaker 1: we don't have all the answers. We only know what

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Speaker 1: we do, so tell us what you do in the comments,

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Speaker 1: as Op says. Until about one year ago, we were

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Speaker 1: in my in laws forty female and forty two male

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Speaker 1: new house for a celebration. There were also my sister

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Speaker 1: and brother in law twenty female and fifteen male, and

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Speaker 1: my husband's uncles who came a little later.

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Speaker 4: All of them know that I am transdimensional and always

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Speaker 4: called me by my name and respected it, except for

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Speaker 4: the uncles, who are really conservative.

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Speaker 1: My husband bought a general knowledge game, and somehow we

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Speaker 1: got to a subject about geniuses, like, what's that called

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Speaker 1: trivial pursuit? Yes?

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Speaker 3: I loved trivial She need to, I love trivia game.

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Speaker 1: Trivial Pursuit road trip. Yes, I learned about Zaza Gabor.

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Speaker 3: Zazo Gabor.

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Speaker 1: Yes, who's that? I'm not sure. I just know her name.

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Speaker 1: I'm not sure. My mother in law said that she

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Speaker 1: believed that the geniuses we had were not human, or

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Speaker 1: at least were given the technology they discovered. My husband

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Speaker 1: calmly expel that it was not like that, and gave

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Speaker 1: Nicola Tesla as an example. Horrible example. He was clearly

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Speaker 1: contacted by aliens and given the blueprints to the tail coil, specifically,

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Speaker 1: just the Tesla col yep, does that. He's like, okay,

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Speaker 1: got really this is what you want me to make

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Speaker 1: And the Aliens are like, yeah, that's cool. That's super cool.

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Speaker 1: We want you to make that because it's cool.

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Speaker 3: That's super cool. We are aliens. He's like, you sound German. No,

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Speaker 3: we are just aliens. The Germans stole our accents because

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Speaker 3: we went down there a.

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Speaker 1: Couple of years ago, German aliens because we in Germany. First,

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Speaker 1: that's super cool. That's what we wanted to do. We

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Speaker 1: want to see it. Do that, make it the buzz,

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Speaker 1: put the center of town and have it to touch people.

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Speaker 1: He goes, guys, that's it sounds unsafe. No, and they

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Speaker 1: are boo. And then that's how Nicola Tesla died. As

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Speaker 1: he was killed by.

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Speaker 3: I was literally that was good.

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Speaker 1: The uncle cut him off and said he was wrong

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Speaker 1: about Tesla's origin. My husband said he wasn't. I made

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Speaker 1: a little search on the internet and it turned out

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Speaker 1: my husband was right. Then the uncle started yelling at us,

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Speaker 1: saying that we should be more respectful because he was

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Speaker 1: twenty years older than us. Well, it sounds like you're

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Speaker 1: about twenty years dumber. Than them too.

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Speaker 3: Burn you just got roasted. Need some rosemary for that burn.

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Speaker 1: So this uncle's like, I'm so much older than you,

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Speaker 1: I'm so smart, you gotta respect me.

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Speaker 3: I've lived more and.

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Speaker 1: I have more knowledge than you. My husband didn't tolerate

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Speaker 1: this and started talking back. My father in law started

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Speaker 1: fighting with us, agreeing with the uncle. I was really overwhelmed,

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Speaker 1: so I just screamed because they were yelling as well,

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Speaker 1: and I started to have a panic attack. My sister

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Speaker 1: in law told me to shut up, saying that I

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Speaker 1: wasn't at my house to talk like that with her dad.

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Speaker 1: My husband and I left. They were still screaming and yelling,

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Speaker 1: and it was all a blur to me. As he

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Speaker 1: walked away, my father in law grabbed me and galled

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Speaker 1: me by my my wrong pronouns. My sister in law

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Speaker 1: did the same, according to my husband, but I can't remember.

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Speaker 1: My husband protected me and almost struck his father as well.

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Speaker 1: They talked a bit and then we went out. Since

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Speaker 1: then we don't talk with them, only with my mother

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Speaker 1: in law and brother in law.

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Speaker 3: That's pretty reasonable. Yeah, I will admit.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I'm sure this isn't the case, but like

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Speaker 1: I'm just imagining them starting to argue and then you

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Speaker 1: just start yelling like Brick from Anchorman, Oh you just

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Speaker 1: go and everyone, I think it would be fair actually

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Speaker 1: shut up though, that's crazy, like, don't do that.

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Speaker 3: See, I was imagining, like in high school musical, everybody quite,

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Speaker 3: this is not what I wanted. This is not but

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Speaker 3: I plan no.

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Speaker 1: But I'm sure it was just like joining in on

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Speaker 1: the argument where it's like, I'm sorry, Nikola Tesla was

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Speaker 1: cloning that man in the back of that room.

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Speaker 3: I know it for sure, shout out.

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Speaker 1: I'm not gonna say what movie that was in case

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Speaker 1: you haven't seen it, so I won't spoil it.

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Speaker 3: I know what movie is.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, David Bowie was Nicola Tesla. So now you have

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Speaker 1: all the tools you need to spoil that movie for yourself.

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Speaker 1: She often messages my partner to forgive his dad and sister,

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Speaker 1: but he says he won't until they apologize. Well, they didn't,

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Speaker 1: so we moved on with our lives. We discovered that

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Speaker 1: we were pregnant in May of this year, and we

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Speaker 1: are very happy with the child. He is an amazing

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Speaker 1: partner and is always by my side. I don't talk

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Speaker 1: with him about his family stuff, but I did ask

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Speaker 1: him not to tell his mom about it to avoid

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Speaker 1: more tension. I don't know if it's the pregnancy hormones,

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Speaker 1: but I really feel like I need some support from family.

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Speaker 1: My mom isn't a good person unfortunately, so I can't

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Speaker 1: really count on her or any of my relatives. She

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Speaker 1: is very happy and excited to be a grandmother and

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Speaker 1: our relationship has improved, but she still wants my husband

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Speaker 1: to apologize to his dad and sister. I always say

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Speaker 1: to her that it's his choice, and both he and

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Speaker 1: I are still very sad and hurt. Since then, my

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Speaker 1: mother in law graduated and invited us to celebrate. I

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Speaker 1: of course agreed, and my husband was a little skeptical,

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Speaker 1: but agreed as long as we didn't have to interact

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Speaker 1: with father in law and sister in law. Also if

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Speaker 1: the dinner after the graduation wasn't at their house as

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Speaker 1: we don't feel welcomed there. She agreed and reserved a

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Speaker 1: restaurant for all of us, including extended family that we

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Speaker 1: discovered she invited. After at the graduation, brother in law

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Speaker 1: came to us and invited us to their house because

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Speaker 1: sister in law decided to make a surprise party for

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Speaker 1: their mom at home, not at the restaurant. So unfortunately,

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Speaker 1: we just watched the ceremony and took a photo with

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Speaker 1: mother in law and didn't celebrate at all. It left

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Speaker 1: a bad taste in my mouth, but I kept it

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Speaker 1: to myself. Because of those things and some others that

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Speaker 1: happened before this, my husband and I agreed that we

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Speaker 1: don't want to have them in our lives or our

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Speaker 1: daughter's life. I really wanted just to have a normal family,

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Speaker 1: as I didn't have one, But I also think that

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Speaker 1: I can't torture myself in a place where I know

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Speaker 1: they don't like me. They still haven't apologized at all.

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Speaker 1: Are we the A holes? And there is an update?

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Speaker 1: I won't say you're the A hole, but I do

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Speaker 1: always kind of lean towards if we're in a situation

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Speaker 1: where our feelings about how other people feel about us

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Speaker 1: are preventing us from like something like celebrating someone we

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Speaker 1: care about just simply on the basis that that person

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Speaker 1: will be there. I think that that is always a mistake.

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Speaker 1: I think we need to learn how to just like

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Speaker 1: be able to. I mean, compartmentalizing is like bad.

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Speaker 3: I guess it's just like knowing that you can't change

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Speaker 3: their mind. They're not going to apologize. So wait, wait,

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Speaker 3: which which people were coming to this party?

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Speaker 1: It was going to be, Well, they were just like, oh,

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Speaker 1: well we'll make it at like a restaurant, so it

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Speaker 1: will be at the house. And then it was like, oh, well,

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Speaker 1: I think it was sister in law and brother in

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Speaker 1: law and I guess probably I don't know if the

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Speaker 1: uncles were going to be there.

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Speaker 3: Okay, so it's some of the people that were part

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Speaker 3: of that fight and obviously ope, Yeah, dealing with a

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Speaker 3: lot of like obia from these people or has dealt

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Speaker 3: from with that, and so that brings up a lot

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Speaker 3: of emotions. Yeah, you just kind of have to decide.

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Speaker 3: I don't think it's wrong for you not to want

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Speaker 3: to go. I think it's just you have to decide

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Speaker 3: will you be too emotional, will you be too affected

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Speaker 3: if you go? Because if you even think that there's

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Speaker 3: like a chance that you're not gonna be able to

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Speaker 3: deal with it or like ignore these people, then I

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Speaker 3: wouldn't go. Because it's not like it's it's about is

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Speaker 3: it the mothers?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it was in which they're you know, they were

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Speaker 1: on good terms with and they she graduated and if

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Speaker 1: you want to celebrate that person, because op said it

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Speaker 1: left a bad taste in my mouth that they didn't

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Speaker 1: get to go, And it's like, I think you could

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Speaker 1: have gone. Yeah, I think you could have gone. And

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Speaker 1: if you know, anyone wants to give you gufh or grief,

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Speaker 1: you just go, thank you. That's nice, and yeah, you

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Speaker 1: move on like you don't acknowledge, you don't engage because

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Speaker 1: these people are irrelevant to your day to day because

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Speaker 1: they're not the ones that you're there for exactly.

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Speaker 3: I think there is a way where you can just

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Speaker 3: kind of be like whatever, I'm not gonna I'm gonna

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Speaker 3: ignore them because their opinions don't matter at all. Is

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Speaker 3: there bad people? Yeah, but yeah, it's figuring out where

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Speaker 3: you are on your like healing journey to be able

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Speaker 3: to be around. I think people like that. And also

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Speaker 3: how comfortable you are in like standing up for yourself.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. I think everyone should have skill that and develop it.

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Speaker 1: It is, yeah, but it is not there.

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Speaker 3: You have to put.

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Speaker 1: Yourself in an uncomfortable position to be able to build

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Speaker 1: it in the first place.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I think it is something that needs to be developed. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: it's just like maybe working on that in general.

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Speaker 1: But I don't think that you're.

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Speaker 3: The a hole. I think no, Yeah, but there is

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Speaker 3: an update.

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Speaker 1: My husband yelled at his dad at the supermarket and

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Speaker 1: now we have totally done. Not long ago, I wrote

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Speaker 1: about my twenty female male and or female transition to

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Speaker 1: male and my husband's twenty one male decision regarding my

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Speaker 1: in laws in our one year disagreement that led us

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Speaker 1: to now not wanting father in law forty one male

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Speaker 1: close to our soon to be born daughter. For those

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Speaker 1: who didn't read or don't remember, my husband and I

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Speaker 1: went to my in laws to celebrate their new home.

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Speaker 1: My husband's uncles were there too, and we were called

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Speaker 1: disrespectful and treated like children just because we searched information

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Speaker 1: about Nicola Tesla on the internet and proved they were wrong.

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Speaker 1: Even when you put it like that, it's like for

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Speaker 1: that to be the lynchpin of like, why all of

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Speaker 1: this is so wrong?

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Speaker 3: That was a real part of the story. I thought

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Speaker 3: we just.

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Speaker 1: Made that up. That was forgot, that was where that

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Speaker 1: came from.

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Speaker 3: I thought we were just going on that does it?

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Speaker 1: It feels ridiculous I would think of writing that out

224
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Speaker 1: and being like that's how that happened. None of this

225
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Speaker 1: needs to be that serious, except for you know, the uncles,

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Speaker 1: like being intentionally disrespectful to your identity.

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Speaker 3: But I think that's the issue. It's like, oh, he's

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Speaker 3: saying we literally just said, oh, they're wrong, and then

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Speaker 3: they started misgendering me and being incredibly awful and you know,

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Speaker 3: aggressive towards us.

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Speaker 1: That was that was the cherry on top at the

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Speaker 1: at the end, when they're like, we're going to leave,

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Speaker 1: and then it's yeah, okay, now the gloves are off. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: but it started because it's like, oh, well, they're treating

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Speaker 1: us like children. They don't believe us. It's like news flash.

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Speaker 1: Old people who are set in their ways don't want

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Speaker 1: to listen to anybody who gives them new information. It's

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Speaker 1: does it, It doesn't matter.

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Speaker 3: It took me years to convince my mom that nar

240
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Speaker 3: walls existed. You thought they were fake?

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Speaker 1: What about elf?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, that's why she thought they were fake because it

243
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Speaker 3: was Clay I was a a medal too.

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Speaker 1: Like what dude?

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Speaker 3: There was like a period of time when everyone thought

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Speaker 3: fake creatures.

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Speaker 1: Father in law supported his brother in law and my

248
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Speaker 1: sister in law. Twenty female yelled at me for crying

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Speaker 1: and demanding an explanation out loud. They were pretty hateful

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Speaker 1: towards me as well. We went no contact until I

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Speaker 1: got pregnant and we were talking only with mother in

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Speaker 1: law thirty nine female and brother in law fifteen male.

253
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Speaker 1: Neither sister in law nor father in law apologized to us.

254
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Speaker 1: Last night at the supermarket, we were packing our groceries

255
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Speaker 1: when we saw father in law and mother in law

256
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Speaker 1: coming at us. We ignored them and continued packing our things,

257
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Speaker 1: thinking that maybe mother in law was there to check

258
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Speaker 1: on us. Well, father in law was there too. My

259
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Speaker 1: husband made it very clear to his mother multiple times

260
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Speaker 1: that he doesn't want his father near us, especially me.

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Speaker 1: Of course, she tried to make my partner apologize multiple

262
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Speaker 1: times as well, but it didn't work out. He says

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Speaker 1: he will never apologize for something that neither his sister

264
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Speaker 1: nor father feels sorry about. My husband saw father in

265
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Speaker 1: law and made a barrier between me and him, who

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Speaker 1: was going to touch my belly which was off limits. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: he yelled at his father to get out. Father in

268
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Speaker 1: law tried to say something, but my partner was clearly

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Speaker 1: pissed off. I talked to his mother for a while,

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Speaker 1: and then she went after her husband. I felt kind

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Speaker 1: of off. I really don't think that things needed to

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Speaker 1: go that way, but I feel this is deeper. For

273
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Speaker 1: my husband, years of conflict that weren't resolved at home.

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Speaker 1: We talked about it. He decided to go low contact

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Speaker 1: with his mom and forbade me to text her as well.

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Speaker 1: I never felt close to the family, as I said

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Speaker 1: in the first post, and the in laws really disappointed

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Speaker 1: me multiple times over the years. I don't know, I'm

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Speaker 1: feeling hormonal, and as someone who grew up without a family,

280
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Speaker 1: it was just me, my grandmother and my grandfather, I

281
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Speaker 1: really missed those gigantic family reunions as some of the

282
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Speaker 1: other things the in laws did that made me sad.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to summarize my mother in law told me

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Speaker 1: on the first Mother's Day I went to their house,

285
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Speaker 1: then if I want to have kids, I had to

286
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Speaker 1: stop being trans and focus on being a mother because

287
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Speaker 1: my kid will already have a dad.

288
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Speaker 3: Yikes.

289
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Speaker 1: And that's another It's like, okay, lady lady who has

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Speaker 1: no room in her head for new ideas or thoughts.

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Speaker 3: It's like you would never have in that did the

292
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Speaker 3: Tesla coil you.

293
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Speaker 1: Yeah, the aliens aren't gonna come talk to you, no,

294
00:13:15,679 --> 00:13:16,079
Speaker 1: because you.

295
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Speaker 3: Got empty brain empty empty brain syndrome, nothing in there.

296
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Speaker 3: Knock knock, who's there.

297
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Speaker 1: I mean, you can understand why someone might be like,

298
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Speaker 1: well that could be all well, maybe that might be hard,

299
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Speaker 1: but it's like you just explain, yeah, and we're gonna

300
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Speaker 1: be good parents and we're going to have a focus

301
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Speaker 1: on our child. This has nothing to do with my

302
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Speaker 1: ability to be present for our child.

303
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Speaker 3: And uh, Alena says, dude, there's a whole separate about

304
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Speaker 3: trans folks having biological pregnancies. It is also just, I

305
00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:49,480
Speaker 3: imagine even like an added layer for op to be

306
00:13:49,559 --> 00:13:51,959
Speaker 3: dealing because I know a lot of like trans men

307
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:55,480
Speaker 3: have different experiences with pregnancy, Like some are not really

308
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Speaker 3: affected by that, but a lot of them, like you

309
00:13:57,440 --> 00:14:00,480
Speaker 3: can have dysphoria or also just like the constant, you

310
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Speaker 3: get misgendered more because there is like that because you're pregnant,

311
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Speaker 3: because you're pregnant, yeah, and so like, oh, he's also

312
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Speaker 3: potentially going through that emotional thing and then on top

313
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Speaker 3: of pregnancy hormones and then on top of all this

314
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Speaker 3: family stuff, difficult time, Opie.

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Speaker 1: He also said that my children would call me mother

316
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Speaker 1: no matter what we tell them at home.

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Speaker 3: It's not true.

318
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Speaker 1: But call you whatever they want, because this is how

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Speaker 1: it goes in school.

320
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Speaker 3: Are you talking about children will call what?

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Speaker 1: That's just like okay, silly lady. I had a problem

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Speaker 1: with my family, which led me to leaving home with

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Speaker 1: just my clothes and one uniform from work. My husband

324
00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:38,560
Speaker 1: was looking for an apartment for us, but I had

325
00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:42,240
Speaker 1: nowhere to go, yes his parents, who denied multiple times.

326
00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:44,320
Speaker 1: I lived with a friend from work for a few

327
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,960
Speaker 1: days until the in laws approved my stay and I

328
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:50,120
Speaker 1: couldn't be alone at the house. My sister in law,

329
00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:52,360
Speaker 1: at the time dating a boy who lived with them,

330
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Speaker 1: slapped my partner in the face for bringing me home,

331
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Speaker 1: which was really dragobic. As he told me.

332
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Speaker 3: Also, just like the you just hit him in the face.

333
00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:04,200
Speaker 1: You can't just you just can't go walking around hitting

334
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Speaker 1: on folks. And we've got a little bit more of

335
00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:08,880
Speaker 1: this story. Laugh. At that time I had family problems

336
00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:11,200
Speaker 1: and was taken by my stepfather to my in law's

337
00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:15,160
Speaker 1: porch with absolutely nothing but a pajama one pajama, one

338
00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:16,440
Speaker 1: pajama to pajama.

339
00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:18,760
Speaker 3: I only had one pajama.

340
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:20,600
Speaker 1: Soul pajama soul pajama, or.

341
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:21,720
Speaker 3: Maybe it was like a onesie.

342
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:24,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, could have been. That's how you get one pajama.

343
00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:27,960
Speaker 1: It was really cold outside and all my in laws

344
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:30,040
Speaker 1: did was take me to the car, wait for my

345
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:32,640
Speaker 1: partner to get off work, and leave me near my

346
00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:35,720
Speaker 1: mother's house at night alone. Now my husband is going

347
00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:38,440
Speaker 1: to talk in person with his mother on Sunday. Remembering

348
00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:40,720
Speaker 1: those things they did to me makes me feel that

349
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:43,560
Speaker 1: we are better off on our own, with our chosen

350
00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:45,640
Speaker 1: family than with them. I just really don't know how

351
00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:47,600
Speaker 1: to support my husband through this, and I think he

352
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:49,640
Speaker 1: really needs it. But I also think he needs to

353
00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:52,360
Speaker 1: work this out just a little because I don't think

354
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:54,480
Speaker 1: we'll be able to keep our daughter away from them

355
00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:57,920
Speaker 1: as we want. And that is the end of that story. Yeah,

356
00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:00,240
Speaker 1: it sounds like his family hates you and short. I

357
00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:01,320
Speaker 1: can't imagine why.

358
00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:04,200
Speaker 3: Yeah. I think you just have to really limit contact

359
00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:06,960
Speaker 3: when you can, which just seems it seems like you're

360
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:09,200
Speaker 3: already doing. They just keep popping up.

361
00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:12,480
Speaker 1: The good news is I think that even if you

362
00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:15,840
Speaker 1: can't maintain that no contact with your child, I think

363
00:16:15,880 --> 00:16:18,880
Speaker 1: the typical story goes is like when a family like

364
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:21,400
Speaker 1: hates someone's partner, but then they have a child and

365
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:24,520
Speaker 1: it's like the grandchild, they tend to really love the

366
00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:27,720
Speaker 1: grandchild at least, So as long as that's the case,

367
00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:30,360
Speaker 1: at least you have that to hold out hope for.

368
00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:32,440
Speaker 3: But also you have to be really careful about what

369
00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:34,720
Speaker 3: they're saying to your pie.

370
00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:36,640
Speaker 1: That is also true. But I feel like you'll be

371
00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:39,440
Speaker 1: to have that under control. Yeah, maybe it feels like

372
00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:42,600
Speaker 1: you will be, you know, very present and talking with

373
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Speaker 1: child as it grows older and has questions for you,

374
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:50,240
Speaker 1: as all children do. Yeah, but oftentimes incessantly. Yeah, but

375
00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:51,600
Speaker 1: that is the end of that story.

376
00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:54,800
Speaker 3: I kept my baby's gender a secret because of my

377
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:56,240
Speaker 3: in law's opinions.

378
00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:59,360
Speaker 1: Well, that's just like your opinion, man.

379
00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:02,040
Speaker 3: I'm a twenty seven year old woman and have been

380
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:04,960
Speaker 3: married to my husband, who's twenty eight, for two years.

381
00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:08,320
Speaker 3: I am currently twenty two weeks pregnant with our first child.

382
00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:11,080
Speaker 3: We decided we wanted to keep the gender a surprise,

383
00:17:11,359 --> 00:17:13,560
Speaker 3: as it didn't matter to us and we'd be happy

384
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:16,920
Speaker 3: either way. The issue, however, is my mother in law.

385
00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:19,879
Speaker 3: By the way, this comes from Adorable Willow forty nine

386
00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:21,159
Speaker 3: to eighty four, and if you want to spit your

387
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,760
Speaker 3: own stories, go to the arslage. Okay, storytime subparate it

388
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:25,840
Speaker 3: and we're here to give good advice gooth, but we

389
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:28,320
Speaker 3: don't have all the answers. We only know what we'd do,

390
00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:30,120
Speaker 3: So let us know what you would do. In the comments,

391
00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:34,080
Speaker 3: Opie says there is a slight culture divide here. I

392
00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:36,760
Speaker 3: am a Caucasian, while she and my father in law

393
00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:40,000
Speaker 3: are Chinese. My husband is their only child and was

394
00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:42,760
Speaker 3: born a few years after they immigrated. I am the

395
00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:45,479
Speaker 3: youngest of six girls. Seriously, I have no idea how

396
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:48,560
Speaker 3: my parents didn't unlive us growing up. He lol. My

397
00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:50,960
Speaker 3: mother in law and father in law never miss a

398
00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:53,119
Speaker 3: chance to talk about what a shame it is that

399
00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:56,000
Speaker 3: my parents never had a boy, which I think is

400
00:17:56,320 --> 00:17:58,480
Speaker 3: definitely a cultural thing.

401
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:02,359
Speaker 1: Could be that one. I put my money on that one.

402
00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:05,440
Speaker 3: They say having so many girls is unlucky, while bragging

403
00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:07,960
Speaker 3: about the fact they had a son on the first try.

404
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:09,680
Speaker 3: I mean, like everything I know about like the one

405
00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:13,400
Speaker 3: child rule, usually it's like prioritized to try and get

406
00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:13,720
Speaker 3: a boy.

407
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:19,240
Speaker 1: So that's definitely like a cultural definitely probably could be

408
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:20,400
Speaker 1: considered that.

409
00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:22,960
Speaker 3: This gets to me. But I've heard it a million

410
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:25,879
Speaker 3: times before, so I mostly ignore it. When we were dating,

411
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:28,480
Speaker 3: my then boyfriend now husband explained it was just a

412
00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:31,160
Speaker 3: cultural point of view for them to see male children

413
00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:33,639
Speaker 3: as the goal. To give him credit, he always shuts

414
00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:36,520
Speaker 3: them down when the conversation started down that path, though

415
00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:39,119
Speaker 3: they always ended up bringing it up again another time.

416
00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:41,680
Speaker 3: Now that I'm pregnant, she is pressuring us to tell

417
00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:43,960
Speaker 3: her the gender. He was not happy when she found

418
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:46,240
Speaker 3: out we wanted it to be a secret, and actually

419
00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:50,320
Speaker 3: cried over us keeping such important information from her. He insisted,

420
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:53,440
Speaker 3: it's important we know what the gender of the baby is. Well,

421
00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:55,399
Speaker 3: we know why she wants to know. He wants to

422
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:57,280
Speaker 3: know whether or not she wants to. You know she's

423
00:18:57,280 --> 00:18:59,640
Speaker 3: gonna be able to love this baby. I won't lie.

424
00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:02,439
Speaker 3: I have a slight fear about how she'll react if

425
00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:04,600
Speaker 3: it's a girl, based on her comments about me and

426
00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:08,240
Speaker 3: my sisters in the past. Yeah, it's a valid fear.

427
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,880
Speaker 3: My father in law, meanwhile, is backing up my mother

428
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:14,360
Speaker 3: in law and scolding my husband constantly if you're upsetting

429
00:19:14,359 --> 00:19:17,200
Speaker 3: his mother like this. I know he hates upsetting them

430
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:19,840
Speaker 3: and is starting to cave from the pressure. I really

431
00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:22,080
Speaker 3: don't know what to tell her until the baby's here,

432
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:24,280
Speaker 3: But I feel like an a hole as I know

433
00:19:24,359 --> 00:19:27,199
Speaker 3: it's getting to my husband. He hasn't once complained and

434
00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:29,800
Speaker 3: is always shielding me from their scolding in this, but

435
00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:32,399
Speaker 3: I can tell it's wearing on him. I'm beginning to

436
00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:34,679
Speaker 3: wonder if I should just cave and find out to

437
00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:37,199
Speaker 3: tell them so they'll stop putting pressure on us and

438
00:19:37,359 --> 00:19:39,840
Speaker 3: deal with the issues that could rise up later if

439
00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:42,240
Speaker 3: it is a girl. But I hate that I'm being

440
00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:43,560
Speaker 3: pushed to this choice.

441
00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:44,560
Speaker 1: Am I the a hole?

442
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:47,080
Speaker 3: And there are some comments? But do you have any

443
00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:47,720
Speaker 3: thoughts of your own?

444
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:51,560
Speaker 1: It's a complicated situation, but it seems pretty straightforward at

445
00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:53,680
Speaker 1: the same time. They want to baby be one thing

446
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:58,159
Speaker 1: for whatever reason. It is unnecessary, you know, keep in

447
00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:00,600
Speaker 1: cluede in because it's just I was gonna do dress. Yeah.

448
00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:02,679
Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't think they're going to get any better,

449
00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:04,800
Speaker 3: and then you're just going to be more stressed during

450
00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:08,679
Speaker 3: the pregnancy. Your partner or husband has already said that

451
00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:10,639
Speaker 3: he doesn't want to tell them, is already defending you.

452
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:13,320
Speaker 3: I think just stick with not.

453
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:15,439
Speaker 1: Telling them, Yeah, just hold fast.

454
00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:18,119
Speaker 3: Don't like assume that just because your husband is like

455
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:20,640
Speaker 3: stressed out about this that it would make his life

456
00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:25,119
Speaker 3: easier to tell them, you know, stand firm comments coming here,

457
00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:28,080
Speaker 3: not the A hole. Have the grandparents been informed that

458
00:20:28,119 --> 00:20:31,399
Speaker 3: their attitudes are contributing to your hesitation? Opie says, well,

459
00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:33,639
Speaker 3: I didn't want to tell anyone regardless of this, but

460
00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:36,880
Speaker 3: they're not helping. Yes, my husband has tried to tell

461
00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:39,320
Speaker 3: them this, but they wave that off and don't listen.

462
00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:42,040
Speaker 3: Commentor says that sucks a lot. Is there a way

463
00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:44,480
Speaker 3: for your husband to go lower contact with them in

464
00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:47,760
Speaker 3: the meantime, I totally vote not the A hole. By

465
00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:50,359
Speaker 3: the way, Opie says, sadly, no, they have a habit

466
00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:52,280
Speaker 3: of just turning up with no morning at all. And

467
00:20:52,359 --> 00:20:55,439
Speaker 3: also I feel like there's a strong like family ties

468
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:59,760
Speaker 3: in Chinese culture, so that would also just be really hard.

469
00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:02,640
Speaker 1: In general, I think there certainly could die. But they

470
00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:04,840
Speaker 1: certainly could die because I read I was reading that

471
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:07,320
Speaker 1: comment about Tesla at the exact same time. Yeah, I

472
00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:11,359
Speaker 1: think that's what you did say that I said that

473
00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:15,080
Speaker 1: certainly could die. No, but that's certainly that certainly could be.

474
00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:18,320
Speaker 3: Bomn says, oh good god. That is a serious lack

475
00:21:18,359 --> 00:21:22,280
Speaker 3: of boundaries standard ground. It's a totally reasonable boundary to

476
00:21:22,359 --> 00:21:25,879
Speaker 3: keep private information with your nuclear family. Only if you

477
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:28,399
Speaker 3: cave on this, they'll keep expecting you to cave on

478
00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:31,080
Speaker 3: other boundaries too. Oh p he says. Honestly, I'm just

479
00:21:31,119 --> 00:21:33,119
Speaker 3: glad they haven't tried to move in yet. Some of

480
00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:35,720
Speaker 3: my husband's friends are dealing with that exact issue after

481
00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:38,120
Speaker 3: they got married and started having kids. Mom and says,

482
00:21:38,119 --> 00:21:39,960
Speaker 3: don't let them in if they show up unannounced. Oh,

483
00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:43,280
Speaker 3: he says, not that simple. Sadly, I'd happily do this,

484
00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:45,320
Speaker 3: but my husband has been raised in the belief of

485
00:21:45,359 --> 00:21:48,000
Speaker 3: honoring your parents, and he'd never leave.

486
00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:48,720
Speaker 1: Them on the doorstep.

487
00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:51,040
Speaker 3: He does defend me as best he can, such as

488
00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:53,359
Speaker 3: taking the brunt of their pressure right now, but he

489
00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:56,480
Speaker 3: is struggling against his own upbringing. I love him so

490
00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:58,960
Speaker 3: much for trying, but I know none of this is

491
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:03,040
Speaker 3: easy for him. Another commenter says, I agree. It'll reinforce

492
00:22:03,080 --> 00:22:04,800
Speaker 3: the idea to the in laws that they can just

493
00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:07,600
Speaker 3: wear her and the husband down enough for them to cave.

494
00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:10,919
Speaker 3: It's a very common Asian parenting tactic, and my Asian

495
00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:14,280
Speaker 3: parents are the same Phrasians. Everything is a family matter.

496
00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:17,359
Speaker 3: Older Asian adults always need to have a say over

497
00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:20,440
Speaker 3: everything from what you eat, what you dress as, who

498
00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:23,480
Speaker 3: you date, why you're out after six pm, et cetera.

499
00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:26,800
Speaker 3: It's the toxic family centric culture at play, not the

500
00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:30,400
Speaker 3: ahle Frop tell them that they're disappointing their son by

501
00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:32,440
Speaker 3: thinking that he won't be able to produce a son

502
00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:35,679
Speaker 3: of his own. Op says, that's a good line that

503
00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:39,480
Speaker 3: I'm made very well steal. Yeah, you're just like, you

504
00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:42,080
Speaker 3: should just know that he's gonna have a son because

505
00:22:42,119 --> 00:22:43,560
Speaker 3: you made him. You should just know that.

506
00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:45,919
Speaker 1: Yeah, why do you even need proo? That's what you

507
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:48,880
Speaker 1: should just you should just tell him. Just start gas lighting.

508
00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:50,639
Speaker 3: Though about Yeah, you already know, you already know.

509
00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:52,280
Speaker 1: Why do you need proof? You know you know it's

510
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:54,920
Speaker 1: gonna be his son, You know it, right, Stop asking

511
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:55,560
Speaker 1: you already know.

512
00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:59,240
Speaker 3: Honestly, you're absolutely right about it being a common parenting

513
00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:01,959
Speaker 3: tactic you by Asian parents. Says everything you've said, I've

514
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:05,320
Speaker 3: seen firsthand. They hated him dating me because I wasn't

515
00:23:05,359 --> 00:23:08,960
Speaker 3: Chinese at first, then doubly that I did it.

516
00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:11,760
Speaker 1: Wasn't Chinese at first, and then I now I'm Chinese.

517
00:23:11,880 --> 00:23:14,960
Speaker 3: Angie's thinking about a joke from last night. I was

518
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:17,200
Speaker 3: just laughing at that. Oh, I thought you were thinking

519
00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:19,159
Speaker 3: about excellent.

520
00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:21,399
Speaker 5: I'm insulted over you.

521
00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:23,959
Speaker 3: I thought you were thinking about that. Oh no, no, ok.

522
00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:27,680
Speaker 1: He thought there was no way what I said was funny.

523
00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:30,280
Speaker 1: It had to have did something else that was No.

524
00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:32,399
Speaker 3: I thought your thing was funny. I just thought you

525
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:35,000
Speaker 3: were also laughing because I thought everyone was making a

526
00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:35,719
Speaker 3: joke about that.

527
00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:38,280
Speaker 1: It's okay. No, I know you also thought that was funny.

528
00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:38,840
Speaker 3: I just thought it.

529
00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:41,880
Speaker 1: Also. The way it sounded was like.

530
00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:44,280
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, you could only have thought clearly.

531
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:47,520
Speaker 1: Guys, everyone relaxed. She's laughing about another thing, a different thing.

532
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:50,480
Speaker 3: It wasn't that you eventually got them to back off

533
00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:53,320
Speaker 3: on this matter. I don't know exactly what he said,

534
00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:56,520
Speaker 3: as I wasn't present for that conversation, but I believe

535
00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:58,560
Speaker 3: it was a thread about it being me or knowing

536
00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:00,399
Speaker 3: at all. He ended up staying with me for a

537
00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:03,159
Speaker 3: week after that, in going zero contact with them, to

538
00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:06,400
Speaker 3: show he was serious. Commecher says, yeah, Asian parents care

539
00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:09,000
Speaker 3: more about how others perceive their family, and that's why

540
00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:12,240
Speaker 3: they're very strict about how their kids present themselves. On

541
00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:15,320
Speaker 3: the other hand, It's also their greatest weakness, because if

542
00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:18,159
Speaker 3: their kids start putting their foot down, it jeopardizes what

543
00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:21,000
Speaker 3: others will say about them and their kids. Invoking your

544
00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:23,840
Speaker 3: husband's image and what their treatment will say about their

545
00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:26,919
Speaker 3: family is likely to get them to shut up. I

546
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:29,159
Speaker 3: can't tell you how much that has worked against my

547
00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:32,480
Speaker 3: parents and grandparents. Oh, he says, I'm very aware of

548
00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:35,399
Speaker 3: this fact. Well, my husband actually doesn't want her child

549
00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:39,120
Speaker 3: having a Chinese name or learning Mandarin. He hates speaking

550
00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:41,879
Speaker 3: Mandarin and basically never uses it unless he's talking to

551
00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:45,080
Speaker 3: his parents, and even then they communicate sixty percent of

552
00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:47,280
Speaker 3: the time in English. He doesn't want to inflict it

553
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:50,639
Speaker 3: on our child. I will say it is always beneficial

554
00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:52,760
Speaker 3: to know another language. I'm sure that he has a

555
00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:55,320
Speaker 3: lot of complicated feelings. I mean, I just I mean,

556
00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:58,119
Speaker 3: there's always a lot of complications when you live in

557
00:24:58,160 --> 00:25:01,760
Speaker 3: an English speaking country and and grow up speaking another language.

558
00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:03,719
Speaker 3: I think there's a lot of like prejudice against that.

559
00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:05,879
Speaker 3: But I think it is always beneficial for a child

560
00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:06,880
Speaker 3: to know two.

561
00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:08,560
Speaker 1: Languages, especially Mandarin.

562
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:11,440
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's like Mandarin and Spanish are two of the

563
00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:15,760
Speaker 3: most helpful languages to know, especially here. Not invalid.

564
00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:17,040
Speaker 1: But in America, I've.

565
00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:19,520
Speaker 3: Gotten him to agree to a Chinese name simply because

566
00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:22,359
Speaker 3: I know they'll freak out if the kid doesn't have one,

567
00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:24,800
Speaker 3: as it's all about image. How bad would it look

568
00:25:24,840 --> 00:25:27,600
Speaker 3: if their grandchild doesn't have a Chinese name, but it'll

569
00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:30,200
Speaker 3: basically never be used, and will use their English name

570
00:25:30,359 --> 00:25:32,800
Speaker 3: the Mandarin. However, I'm letting him take the lead on

571
00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:36,240
Speaker 3: since he knows firsthand what learning it felt like for him. Again,

572
00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:40,640
Speaker 3: he has the opportunity to totally change how his kids

573
00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:41,040
Speaker 3: learn it.

574
00:25:41,119 --> 00:25:43,200
Speaker 1: Oh, I would My kids wouldn't want me to teach

575
00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:43,840
Speaker 1: them Mandarin.

576
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:44,800
Speaker 3: You don't know Mandarin.

577
00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:47,800
Speaker 1: I know a little, you don't know. I'm also just

578
00:25:47,800 --> 00:25:50,880
Speaker 1: a bad teacher. Oh that's with my point. I get

579
00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:54,119
Speaker 1: really frustrated when I teach and people don't pick something

580
00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:56,680
Speaker 1: up yeah, and I'm like, no, this, and then they

581
00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:57,960
Speaker 1: still do it and I'll just be like.

582
00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:00,280
Speaker 3: Well, like her job, really snowboard teach.

583
00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:03,480
Speaker 1: Once I started teaching something I didn't also really enjoy,

584
00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:08,280
Speaker 1: I realized, oh, I really hate this down to my core.

585
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:10,760
Speaker 1: I hate this and I'm just I don't even care

586
00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:13,080
Speaker 1: to be better at it because I hate it so much.

587
00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:16,000
Speaker 3: We've agreed that if our child shows interest in learning

588
00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:18,840
Speaker 3: when they're able to communicate, we'll give them the opportunity

589
00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:21,399
Speaker 3: to do so. Oh PE's voted not the ale and

590
00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:24,240
Speaker 3: there is an update. So my mother in law and

591
00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:27,080
Speaker 3: father in law came around for this morning for tea

592
00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:31,000
Speaker 3: uninvited as usual of course, and began to apply their

593
00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:34,199
Speaker 3: pressure again to demand the gender of the baby. And

594
00:26:34,240 --> 00:26:36,880
Speaker 3: I was ready to step in, worried about my husband

595
00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:38,760
Speaker 3: as I know this has been a lot of pressure

596
00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:41,400
Speaker 3: for him, but he surprised me by snapping at them.

597
00:26:41,520 --> 00:26:44,240
Speaker 3: I've never seen him truly angry with them before. The

598
00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:47,119
Speaker 3: only time I've ever heard of him being truly angry

599
00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:49,760
Speaker 3: is when he fought them over dating me when they

600
00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:52,720
Speaker 3: didn't approve as I wasn't Chinese. But I wasn't there

601
00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:56,000
Speaker 3: for that conversation, so this took me by surprise. The summarise,

602
00:26:56,119 --> 00:26:58,439
Speaker 3: he told them that our child's gender was none of

603
00:26:58,440 --> 00:27:00,920
Speaker 3: their business and if they kept this up, than any

604
00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:04,040
Speaker 3: future sons we will have will take my maiden name,

605
00:27:04,119 --> 00:27:06,560
Speaker 3: since I have no brothers to carry on the family name,

606
00:27:06,680 --> 00:27:09,399
Speaker 3: as they keep reminding me. He then told them not

607
00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:12,280
Speaker 3: to test him, as he'll burn their family tree to

608
00:27:12,359 --> 00:27:15,080
Speaker 3: the ground. I don't know who was more shocked than

609
00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:17,399
Speaker 3: or me. He then told them to get out, and

610
00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:20,120
Speaker 3: they did leave, though my father in law scolded him

611
00:27:20,119 --> 00:27:22,800
Speaker 3: for being disrespectful and not putting family first.

612
00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:25,520
Speaker 1: So, I mean what he said, good thing about the

613
00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:29,760
Speaker 1: family tree? Is it that a real tree? Because how

614
00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:32,200
Speaker 1: else would you do that? Are you just gonna take

615
00:27:32,240 --> 00:27:34,000
Speaker 1: out everybody on the family tree.

616
00:27:34,119 --> 00:27:37,480
Speaker 3: I think he's just gonna have He's just gonna.

617
00:27:37,359 --> 00:27:39,720
Speaker 1: You're already having a child, not with the name.

618
00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:41,960
Speaker 3: That's what he's saying. He's saying, we're gonna take my

619
00:27:42,119 --> 00:27:44,400
Speaker 3: wife's name, last name. It means a lot to them,

620
00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:47,840
Speaker 3: though it seems my concern was unwarranted and my husband

621
00:27:47,920 --> 00:27:50,639
Speaker 3: is fine. Op also says I never once doubted he

622
00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:53,600
Speaker 3: loves me, but this honestly shocked me. I know how

623
00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:55,919
Speaker 3: much the family line means in his cultures, so for

624
00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:58,000
Speaker 3: him to make this kind of threat, the weight of

625
00:27:58,040 --> 00:28:01,560
Speaker 3: it isn't lost on me. They also seemed genuinely terrified

626
00:28:01,560 --> 00:28:03,960
Speaker 3: by that threat. Though my father in law did scold

627
00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:06,840
Speaker 3: him as they left, it lacked the usual heat. I

628
00:28:06,880 --> 00:28:09,439
Speaker 3: feel sorry for her too, despite all of this, and

629
00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:12,320
Speaker 3: I hope she'll come around someday Goscious is bro That

630
00:28:12,440 --> 00:28:15,320
Speaker 3: was hot, not the ale Opie says, imagine how I

631
00:28:15,440 --> 00:28:18,280
Speaker 3: felt never been more attracted to him if it wasn't

632
00:28:18,280 --> 00:28:21,439
Speaker 3: already pregnant, No doubt it would be soon enough. Okay,

633
00:28:21,560 --> 00:28:24,720
Speaker 3: there is an update three years later. We're about to

634
00:28:24,720 --> 00:28:27,080
Speaker 3: find out if they've figured out their family stuff.

635
00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:31,320
Speaker 1: Yay. Yeah, I wonder if your baby speaks Chinese?

636
00:28:31,640 --> 00:28:34,240
Speaker 3: Yeah I do. I do hope so, for baby's sake.

637
00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:37,320
Speaker 1: Chinese just a cool language. It is very hard though,

638
00:28:37,520 --> 00:28:39,880
Speaker 1: it's very difficult. Yeah, it is hard.

639
00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:43,400
Speaker 3: But props to your husband for standing up for you.

640
00:28:44,240 --> 00:28:47,720
Speaker 3: That's great, especially coming from a cultural background where you

641
00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:50,840
Speaker 3: know there's so much respect towards family members and stuff.

642
00:28:51,480 --> 00:28:54,280
Speaker 3: For him to do that is a big deal. And

643
00:28:54,360 --> 00:28:56,840
Speaker 3: it seems like you recognize that. Sou's good. But yeah,

644
00:28:56,960 --> 00:28:58,959
Speaker 3: I hope you figured it out. Let's find out if

645
00:28:58,960 --> 00:29:02,080
Speaker 3: you did. I want a hunhunting for and luckily remembered

646
00:29:02,120 --> 00:29:05,000
Speaker 3: my password. I doubt anyone here cares much, but I'm

647
00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:06,040
Speaker 3: in a reflecting mood.

648
00:29:06,240 --> 00:29:09,920
Speaker 1: My head immediately went to I went hunting for my baby.

649
00:29:10,160 --> 00:29:11,040
Speaker 3: I don't know where they are.

650
00:29:11,400 --> 00:29:13,720
Speaker 1: I've found it. It was hiding in a tree.

651
00:29:13,840 --> 00:29:16,360
Speaker 3: And it'll be continues. Yes, my husband and I had

652
00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:20,360
Speaker 3: a little girl. Congratulations. It has been incredible watching him

653
00:29:20,400 --> 00:29:24,400
Speaker 3: grow from the amazing man I loved into an amazing father,

654
00:29:24,800 --> 00:29:28,040
Speaker 3: and our girl is very clearly the greatest joy in

655
00:29:28,080 --> 00:29:30,560
Speaker 3: his life. We had a long conversation not long after

656
00:29:30,600 --> 00:29:32,680
Speaker 3: she was born, and he actually ended up going to

657
00:29:32,760 --> 00:29:35,920
Speaker 3: therapy to reconcile his feelings on his parents and his culture.

658
00:29:36,040 --> 00:29:38,320
Speaker 3: He originally did not want her to know any language

659
00:29:38,320 --> 00:29:41,080
Speaker 3: but English, and basically to ignore his side of the culture,

660
00:29:41,200 --> 00:29:43,720
Speaker 3: but he eventually realized, thanks to therapy, that he was

661
00:29:43,880 --> 00:29:46,240
Speaker 3: robbing her of a chance to have a more diverse

662
00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:49,200
Speaker 3: view on the world, and that his experiences with his

663
00:29:49,240 --> 00:29:53,480
Speaker 3: culture may not be hers. Yes, yay, I'm so happy

664
00:29:53,480 --> 00:29:57,320
Speaker 3: about that th our daughter. Through our daughter, he has

665
00:29:57,360 --> 00:30:00,240
Speaker 3: gotten to see his culture through a fresh set of eyes,

666
00:30:00,280 --> 00:30:03,160
Speaker 3: and it's like he's discovering it himself for the first time.

667
00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:05,400
Speaker 3: There is a wee bit left to this story.

668
00:30:05,480 --> 00:30:08,360
Speaker 1: I feel like I have to clarify. The tree statement

669
00:30:08,520 --> 00:30:11,040
Speaker 1: is because I was genuinely confused. I thought he was

670
00:30:11,080 --> 00:30:13,600
Speaker 1: talking about their genetic tree, and I was like, you're

671
00:30:13,640 --> 00:30:14,840
Speaker 1: already having a baby.

672
00:30:15,080 --> 00:30:16,280
Speaker 3: Oh, that's what I was confused.

673
00:30:16,440 --> 00:30:19,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, I was also confused. I was like, so what,

674
00:30:19,320 --> 00:30:21,800
Speaker 1: Either there's an actual tree or you're going to just

675
00:30:21,960 --> 00:30:24,000
Speaker 1: eliminate every member of your family.

676
00:30:24,280 --> 00:30:25,560
Speaker 3: No, just a family tree.

677
00:30:25,720 --> 00:30:28,080
Speaker 1: No, now now I understand this was the name.

678
00:30:28,640 --> 00:30:32,280
Speaker 5: No, we go to the tree and snob a Dallas

679
00:30:32,400 --> 00:30:36,360
Speaker 5: back yard and we taar it down branch by brant.

680
00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:38,480
Speaker 1: Who has a family. I have a family. I had

681
00:30:38,480 --> 00:30:38,920
Speaker 1: a family.

682
00:30:39,280 --> 00:30:40,040
Speaker 3: I have a family.

683
00:30:40,080 --> 00:30:41,360
Speaker 1: I've got a family tree.

684
00:30:42,000 --> 00:30:44,360
Speaker 3: Well, anyway, I've got a little bit left story.

685
00:30:44,480 --> 00:30:46,840
Speaker 1: Yes, I feel happy for your daughter.

686
00:30:47,120 --> 00:30:49,080
Speaker 3: My mother in law and father in law, as you

687
00:30:49,120 --> 00:30:51,560
Speaker 3: no doubt expect, we're not happy that we had a

688
00:30:51,640 --> 00:30:54,200
Speaker 3: daughter and began to push us to try again to

689
00:30:54,200 --> 00:30:57,440
Speaker 3: have a son. Almost immediately, my husband and they began

690
00:30:57,520 --> 00:31:00,440
Speaker 3: to clash more and more as the behavior became harmful

691
00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:02,840
Speaker 3: towards me and our daughter, and two years ago we

692
00:31:02,880 --> 00:31:05,640
Speaker 3: cut contact with them. We are happier for it and

693
00:31:05,840 --> 00:31:08,280
Speaker 3: don't live in fear that they will drop around without

694
00:31:08,320 --> 00:31:11,440
Speaker 3: warning and turn our whole day upside down. Rereading some

695
00:31:11,520 --> 00:31:14,080
Speaker 3: of the old comments on my original post makes me smile,

696
00:31:14,320 --> 00:31:16,360
Speaker 3: and my husband is laughing over how many of them

697
00:31:16,360 --> 00:31:19,160
Speaker 3: were thirsting over him after he clashed with his parents.

698
00:31:19,200 --> 00:31:23,640
Speaker 3: Originally comments say such a wholesome post, strange to read

699
00:31:23,680 --> 00:31:26,520
Speaker 3: it in this sub but nevertheless amazing. Opie says, I'm

700
00:31:26,520 --> 00:31:29,280
Speaker 3: glad you enjoyed it. I honestly forgot about my original

701
00:31:29,320 --> 00:31:31,960
Speaker 3: post for a long time until I began to reflect

702
00:31:31,960 --> 00:31:34,240
Speaker 3: on my first pregnancy and how much more peaceful this

703
00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:36,840
Speaker 3: one is. I figured i'd post a little update, not

704
00:31:36,920 --> 00:31:39,960
Speaker 3: expecting it to get much attention. Oh about the in loss,

705
00:31:40,040 --> 00:31:42,640
Speaker 3: Opie says, we have no intention of letting them back

706
00:31:42,640 --> 00:31:45,480
Speaker 3: into our lives. Don't worry. We've moved twice since we

707
00:31:45,560 --> 00:31:48,360
Speaker 3: cut them off, and they have no idea. I'm even

708
00:31:48,400 --> 00:31:51,080
Speaker 3: pregnant again. A commoner says, are you having a boy

709
00:31:51,320 --> 00:31:54,160
Speaker 3: or a girl? Opie says, we're leaving it another surprise.

710
00:31:54,440 --> 00:31:57,080
Speaker 3: We don't care so long as they're healthy. However, this

711
00:31:57,280 --> 00:32:00,360
Speaker 3: is our last child, even if it's another girl. I

712
00:32:00,440 --> 00:32:03,000
Speaker 3: grew up with five sisters, and I know the chaos

713
00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:05,400
Speaker 3: of a two large household, So one thing I've put

714
00:32:05,400 --> 00:32:08,160
Speaker 3: my foot down about from the start is two children

715
00:32:08,440 --> 00:32:12,480
Speaker 3: only barring a surprise multiple pregnancy, of course, which thank

716
00:32:12,520 --> 00:32:15,640
Speaker 3: god this isn't. And that's the end of that story.

717
00:32:15,840 --> 00:32:17,480
Speaker 3: It seems like all's well, that ends well.

718
00:32:17,600 --> 00:32:24,160
Speaker 1: I believe that is the same. Hooray, Hello Huazi a

719
00:32:24,280 --> 00:32:28,080
Speaker 1: cube for THEE and Patrive says, does Opie's husband have

720
00:32:28,120 --> 00:32:28,720
Speaker 1: any siblings?

721
00:32:28,720 --> 00:32:30,080
Speaker 3: No, he is an only son.

722
00:32:30,360 --> 00:32:33,320
Speaker 1: Only son. Area to get into the next one, Sam

723
00:32:33,320 --> 00:32:35,440
Speaker 1: here ogi host. We're going to get back to these stories,

724
00:32:35,440 --> 00:32:38,200
Speaker 1: but here's three minutes fads from our sponsors. First, my

725
00:32:38,320 --> 00:32:40,960
Speaker 1: mother in law cries to get what she wants.

726
00:32:41,440 --> 00:32:42,400
Speaker 3: Stop crying.

727
00:32:43,040 --> 00:32:45,560
Speaker 1: Hi, everyone, It's been such a stressful period for me

728
00:32:45,640 --> 00:32:47,560
Speaker 1: and I just need to get this off my chest

729
00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:52,320
Speaker 1: before I explode. To please bear with me, my Internet strangers.

730
00:32:52,480 --> 00:32:54,920
Speaker 1: My husband and I, both in our early thirties, recently

731
00:32:54,960 --> 00:32:58,480
Speaker 1: finished our master's degrees abroad what's her name, and just

732
00:32:58,520 --> 00:33:02,120
Speaker 1: started our post grad jobs. We're both working hard to

733
00:33:02,120 --> 00:33:05,680
Speaker 1: pay off student debt and mortgage we took before our studies.

734
00:33:05,800 --> 00:33:08,920
Speaker 1: Life is busy but stable. By the way, this comes

735
00:33:08,920 --> 00:33:12,200
Speaker 1: from user investing girl. And if you want usbmit your

736
00:33:12,200 --> 00:33:13,680
Speaker 1: own stories to go to the r slash okay story.

737
00:33:13,720 --> 00:33:15,240
Speaker 1: I'm separate it and we all he had to give

738
00:33:15,240 --> 00:33:17,520
Speaker 1: you good advice, goofly, but we don't have all the answers.

739
00:33:17,520 --> 00:33:18,840
Speaker 1: We only know what we do. So if you do

740
00:33:18,880 --> 00:33:23,960
Speaker 1: something else, let us know in the comments, and OP says, though,

741
00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:26,600
Speaker 1: the real problem is my mother in law and how

742
00:33:26,640 --> 00:33:30,360
Speaker 1: she uses crying to get what she wants. The first

743
00:33:30,360 --> 00:33:34,040
Speaker 1: major incident was about our second marriage certificate. When my

744
00:33:34,120 --> 00:33:36,480
Speaker 1: husband and I got legally married at the courthouse in

745
00:33:36,520 --> 00:33:38,720
Speaker 1: the county where we studied. It was a small but

746
00:33:38,960 --> 00:33:42,320
Speaker 1: meaningful moment. We were happy, proud, and ready to move

747
00:33:42,400 --> 00:33:45,600
Speaker 1: forward together. A few months ago after our graduation, we

748
00:33:45,680 --> 00:33:47,960
Speaker 1: went back to our home country for a short visit,

749
00:33:48,360 --> 00:33:51,720
Speaker 1: and both families went on a vacation together. During that trip,

750
00:33:51,800 --> 00:33:54,600
Speaker 1: my mother in law cornered my husband in her hotel

751
00:33:54,680 --> 00:33:58,640
Speaker 1: room and demanded that we go sign another marriage certificate,

752
00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:02,680
Speaker 1: this time in their hometown. She said it would make

753
00:34:02,760 --> 00:34:07,120
Speaker 1: it truly official. He gently explained that we were already

754
00:34:07,200 --> 00:34:09,840
Speaker 1: legally married and that doing this again would take weeks

755
00:34:09,880 --> 00:34:12,239
Speaker 1: of paperwork we didn't have time for.

756
00:34:12,560 --> 00:34:17,400
Speaker 4: Unless you'll get married in Baker's field, then your.

757
00:34:17,320 --> 00:34:23,040
Speaker 1: Marriage isn't valid. Everyone knows this. You must be a

758
00:34:23,120 --> 00:34:24,320
Speaker 1: wed in your home.

759
00:34:24,200 --> 00:34:27,400
Speaker 3: Tow Oh, that's a good scoop, spooky voice.

760
00:34:27,480 --> 00:34:30,600
Speaker 1: We had actually already looked into the process before moving

761
00:34:30,640 --> 00:34:33,760
Speaker 1: to the new country. She immediately started screaming and crying,

762
00:34:33,960 --> 00:34:39,720
Speaker 1: saying things like it was just an excuse, you've friend,

763
00:34:41,360 --> 00:34:45,520
Speaker 1: you're a bad son, you don't care about me it all,

764
00:34:47,400 --> 00:34:49,880
Speaker 1: And to be fair, it wasn't there. This was what

765
00:34:49,920 --> 00:34:53,480
Speaker 1: my husband later told me, looking absolutely defeated, sitting on

766
00:34:53,520 --> 00:34:56,680
Speaker 1: the hotel couch beeing him like that broke my heart.

767
00:34:56,840 --> 00:34:59,239
Speaker 1: A few days later, she called in a favor with

768
00:34:59,320 --> 00:35:02,279
Speaker 1: someone at the local government office and somehow arranged to

769
00:35:02,320 --> 00:35:05,480
Speaker 1: have a marriage certificate made. Immediately, she asked my husband

770
00:35:05,520 --> 00:35:08,319
Speaker 1: and tell me to come sign it. What if that

771
00:35:08,800 --> 00:35:12,880
Speaker 1: was a thing, Why didn't we just say, hey, baby,

772
00:35:12,960 --> 00:35:15,640
Speaker 1: I could pull some strings. I got a friend down

773
00:35:15,719 --> 00:35:19,279
Speaker 1: the government office, and I can pull some big old strings.

774
00:35:19,640 --> 00:35:22,560
Speaker 1: Get to that marriage certificate tomorrow, and then you can

775
00:35:22,600 --> 00:35:23,160
Speaker 1: have another one.

776
00:35:23,320 --> 00:35:25,640
Speaker 3: You can have tools. It's like a double major. You

777
00:35:25,680 --> 00:35:28,840
Speaker 3: can get or like, or like being able to practice

778
00:35:28,920 --> 00:35:35,000
Speaker 3: law in multiple countries, I mean in multiple states, pretty gravely,

779
00:35:35,239 --> 00:35:36,200
Speaker 3: in multiple states.

780
00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:39,920
Speaker 1: I remember feeling so uncomfortable, and honestly, in my wildest dreams,

781
00:35:39,960 --> 00:35:42,560
Speaker 1: I never imagined I'd be signing a marriage certificate in

782
00:35:42,600 --> 00:35:45,480
Speaker 1: such a pressured way. But he looked so crushed that

783
00:35:45,560 --> 00:35:49,000
Speaker 1: I agreed mostly to stop seeing him like that. Looking back,

784
00:35:49,120 --> 00:35:51,600
Speaker 1: that was the moment I realized how she could manipulate

785
00:35:51,640 --> 00:35:54,680
Speaker 1: both of us through guilt. Now comes the ongoing issue

786
00:35:54,800 --> 00:35:58,160
Speaker 1: pressure to have a baby. Fast forwarding to now, she

787
00:35:58,200 --> 00:36:02,279
Speaker 1: has started a new campaign crying about wanting grandchildren. She

788
00:36:02,320 --> 00:36:04,880
Speaker 1: called my husband often sobbing that her life is empty,

789
00:36:05,320 --> 00:36:08,440
Speaker 1: that he's abandoned her, that she's sick and jobless. He

790
00:36:08,520 --> 00:36:10,560
Speaker 1: doesn't get along with my father in law at all,

791
00:36:10,920 --> 00:36:14,040
Speaker 1: so she completely relies on my husband for all kinds

792
00:36:14,040 --> 00:36:16,920
Speaker 1: of support, health, financial and emotional.

793
00:36:17,160 --> 00:36:22,640
Speaker 3: I'm sick, I'm jobless. I hate your father. Why don't

794
00:36:22,680 --> 00:36:23,600
Speaker 3: you take care of me?

795
00:36:24,000 --> 00:36:27,640
Speaker 1: Yeah, and that's what you gotta say. Hey, my hat

796
00:36:27,960 --> 00:36:30,719
Speaker 1: I hate that you hate your mother. I hate that

797
00:36:30,880 --> 00:36:33,040
Speaker 1: for you. But you know what, You've got a whole

798
00:36:33,080 --> 00:36:35,440
Speaker 1: life you can live without me.

799
00:36:36,000 --> 00:36:37,600
Speaker 3: I don't have any life without you.

800
00:36:38,320 --> 00:36:40,719
Speaker 1: And that's a problem you're gonna have to work through

801
00:36:40,760 --> 00:36:41,280
Speaker 1: in therapy.

802
00:36:41,400 --> 00:36:42,719
Speaker 3: I don't know where that is.

803
00:36:42,840 --> 00:36:45,640
Speaker 1: If you feel that is the truth, then a therapist

804
00:36:45,680 --> 00:36:48,600
Speaker 1: will have to help you navigate those feelings, because you

805
00:36:48,640 --> 00:36:51,879
Speaker 1: are more than just a vessel for your children. I'm

806
00:36:51,880 --> 00:36:57,400
Speaker 1: a l I have to go now, goodbye. You always

807
00:36:57,400 --> 00:36:58,880
Speaker 1: want to hang up when they start talking about the

808
00:36:58,920 --> 00:36:59,399
Speaker 1: dark Lord.

809
00:36:59,480 --> 00:37:00,960
Speaker 3: He always always.

810
00:37:01,120 --> 00:37:04,440
Speaker 1: My husband also seems to resent this. Whenever he talks

811
00:37:04,440 --> 00:37:06,800
Speaker 1: to his mom. I can feel his frustration and anger

812
00:37:06,920 --> 00:37:11,080
Speaker 1: with anyone else. He's kind and extremely patient. She seems

813
00:37:11,120 --> 00:37:14,440
Speaker 1: to resent me, though. He even went as far as

814
00:37:14,600 --> 00:37:17,920
Speaker 1: asking my relatives whether I was the one forcing him

815
00:37:17,920 --> 00:37:20,919
Speaker 1: to live abroad and far away from her. Every call,

816
00:37:21,040 --> 00:37:24,440
Speaker 1: she slips in another comment about carrying on the bloodline,

817
00:37:24,920 --> 00:37:28,760
Speaker 1: or how I'm wasting my time learning new skills instead

818
00:37:28,760 --> 00:37:30,880
Speaker 1: of focusing on having children.

819
00:37:31,200 --> 00:37:31,640
Speaker 6: Eggs.

820
00:37:32,280 --> 00:37:36,600
Speaker 1: You are a machine. You are a baby machine.

821
00:37:36,880 --> 00:37:37,920
Speaker 3: How many kids does she have?

822
00:37:38,200 --> 00:37:38,480
Speaker 1: Who?

823
00:37:38,719 --> 00:37:39,000
Speaker 3: Mom?

824
00:37:39,320 --> 00:37:39,759
Speaker 1: I don't know?

825
00:37:40,080 --> 00:37:42,480
Speaker 3: Was it just? Was it just Opie's husband?

826
00:37:42,640 --> 00:37:43,800
Speaker 1: Sounds like it, because.

827
00:37:43,560 --> 00:37:46,400
Speaker 3: It sounds like you were acting real hard on pumping

828
00:37:46,440 --> 00:37:48,160
Speaker 3: out those babies. Mother in law.

829
00:37:48,160 --> 00:37:50,759
Speaker 1: Once she even told my husband that I'm going to

830
00:37:50,840 --> 00:37:53,960
Speaker 1: run out of eggs soon. We'll go to the store

831
00:37:54,360 --> 00:37:57,840
Speaker 1: where you could meet a man, a mysterious man, and

832
00:37:57,880 --> 00:37:59,680
Speaker 1: I'll give you eggs. He will give you an egg,

833
00:37:59,840 --> 00:38:01,600
Speaker 1: and then that egg will hatch, and it will be

834
00:38:01,640 --> 00:38:04,239
Speaker 1: a little tiny one inch man inside that egg. What

835
00:38:04,640 --> 00:38:06,759
Speaker 1: and then you can raise that little one inch man.

836
00:38:06,960 --> 00:38:10,120
Speaker 1: He grows very rapidly and it's kind of scary. Before

837
00:38:10,160 --> 00:38:12,680
Speaker 1: we left for our studies, she and my husband's grandmother

838
00:38:12,760 --> 00:38:15,520
Speaker 1: told me to just give birth and leave the baby

839
00:38:15,560 --> 00:38:18,920
Speaker 1: behind so they could raise it, because that's common in

840
00:38:18,960 --> 00:38:24,759
Speaker 1: their village, where parents often work far away. Oh horrified. Yeah, no,

841
00:38:25,640 --> 00:38:28,040
Speaker 1: that's great, love that they do that in your village.

842
00:38:28,239 --> 00:38:30,200
Speaker 1: In my village, we raise our children.

843
00:38:30,480 --> 00:38:33,720
Speaker 3: Yeah, big one for me? Then, yeah, I want one,

844
00:38:34,239 --> 00:38:35,960
Speaker 3: big one. Just I'll take care of it, just like

845
00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:37,440
Speaker 3: get give me on this?

846
00:38:37,640 --> 00:38:39,719
Speaker 1: Can you make a spare? Can you make a spare?

847
00:38:39,760 --> 00:38:41,160
Speaker 3: Will hold on spake an extra?

848
00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:46,320
Speaker 1: Gosh, heart, no child of mine will grow up wondering

849
00:38:46,360 --> 00:38:49,000
Speaker 1: when their parents are coming home. Where I'm at now

850
00:38:49,120 --> 00:38:51,480
Speaker 1: is I've cut contact with her as much as possible.

851
00:38:51,560 --> 00:38:54,040
Speaker 1: I no longer take her calls or respond to her messages.

852
00:38:54,080 --> 00:38:57,000
Speaker 1: My husband handles communication, but every time she calls him,

853
00:38:57,080 --> 00:39:00,239
Speaker 1: I feel the resentment growing inside me. You WEAPONI his

854
00:39:00,280 --> 00:39:02,480
Speaker 1: tears and guilt to get her way, And I'm so

855
00:39:02,680 --> 00:39:07,319
Speaker 1: tired of watching her manipulate my husband, a good kind man,

856
00:39:07,719 --> 00:39:10,920
Speaker 1: into feeling like he's never enough. We both agreed that

857
00:39:11,000 --> 00:39:14,839
Speaker 1: we'll have children when we're ready, whether biological or adopt it.

858
00:39:15,000 --> 00:39:18,319
Speaker 1: We want to provide a stable and loving environment, but

859
00:39:18,480 --> 00:39:21,959
Speaker 1: not when built on obligation and guilt. But every time

860
00:39:22,080 --> 00:39:25,840
Speaker 1: she cries chips away at that piece we're trying to build.

861
00:39:26,000 --> 00:39:28,480
Speaker 1: I know cutting her off completely would cause a huge

862
00:39:28,520 --> 00:39:31,440
Speaker 1: cultural backlash, especially in their village, and I don't want

863
00:39:31,440 --> 00:39:34,160
Speaker 1: to put my husband in that position. But I also

864
00:39:34,280 --> 00:39:37,799
Speaker 1: can't keep living like this, walking on eggshells, bracing for

865
00:39:37,840 --> 00:39:40,640
Speaker 1: the next guilt trip. How do you keep your peace

866
00:39:40,840 --> 00:39:44,560
Speaker 1: when someone's constant crying is actually emotional manipulation.

867
00:39:44,800 --> 00:39:46,440
Speaker 3: They start crying and then you just walk out of

868
00:39:46,440 --> 00:39:46,759
Speaker 3: the room.

869
00:39:46,840 --> 00:39:48,200
Speaker 1: I would, I would cry back.

870
00:39:49,040 --> 00:39:51,760
Speaker 3: Yeah, you start sobbing back, You hang out the phone,

871
00:39:51,840 --> 00:39:52,600
Speaker 3: you walk around the.

872
00:39:52,600 --> 00:39:55,439
Speaker 1: Room, start whispering things in Latin.

873
00:39:55,520 --> 00:39:58,560
Speaker 3: And knowing at patres pertusangpu.

874
00:39:57,840 --> 00:40:01,480
Speaker 1: You got three aspul me as me yes, yama, I

875
00:40:01,520 --> 00:40:05,839
Speaker 1: think it could work. Third name great Three. What did

876
00:40:05,840 --> 00:40:07,799
Speaker 1: you say about the horse that was? I said, the

877
00:40:07,880 --> 00:40:11,160
Speaker 1: horse is on fire forever. Yeah, prigez puumihis me. He

878
00:40:11,280 --> 00:40:13,680
Speaker 1: means my soup is cold, You do wow, warm it

879
00:40:13,800 --> 00:40:15,520
Speaker 1: up because the horse is on fire for him?

880
00:40:16,440 --> 00:40:18,960
Speaker 3: Comment number one, I am not responsible from mother in

881
00:40:19,000 --> 00:40:19,680
Speaker 3: law's feelings.

882
00:40:19,760 --> 00:40:21,680
Speaker 1: Right now, repeat it until you believe it.

883
00:40:21,840 --> 00:40:24,799
Speaker 3: I am not responsible. Is this like severance, I don't

884
00:40:24,840 --> 00:40:26,000
Speaker 3: believe you. Yeah.

885
00:40:26,120 --> 00:40:29,120
Speaker 1: Let her cry and wail and scream all she wants.

886
00:40:29,239 --> 00:40:32,840
Speaker 1: There is nothing that will stop until she realizes that

887
00:40:32,920 --> 00:40:35,360
Speaker 1: it won't get her what she wants from you. To

888
00:40:35,440 --> 00:40:37,840
Speaker 1: make sure that your husband and you are on the

889
00:40:37,880 --> 00:40:41,160
Speaker 1: same page. Tell her that your reproductive schedule is none

890
00:40:41,200 --> 00:40:43,560
Speaker 1: of her business and that any manipulation on her part

891
00:40:43,600 --> 00:40:46,719
Speaker 1: will result in the immediate end of the visit. Then

892
00:40:46,840 --> 00:40:49,239
Speaker 1: do it as often as you have to. Remember you

893
00:40:49,360 --> 00:40:52,319
Speaker 1: are not responsible for her feelings. Good luck, and there

894
00:40:52,400 --> 00:40:52,919
Speaker 1: is no day.

895
00:40:53,160 --> 00:40:56,320
Speaker 3: I agree with that comment. I think it's just figuring

896
00:40:56,400 --> 00:40:58,960
Speaker 3: out or like coming to that realization that she's got

897
00:40:58,960 --> 00:41:01,600
Speaker 3: to continue to act way that she acts because she's

898
00:41:01,680 --> 00:41:05,799
Speaker 3: an emotionally immature adult. And then you just have to

899
00:41:05,960 --> 00:41:08,879
Speaker 3: like silly baby or as Decode always says, because she's

900
00:41:08,920 --> 00:41:10,960
Speaker 3: acting like a real baby right now.

901
00:41:11,239 --> 00:41:14,799
Speaker 1: She is a silly little baby, acting like she's silly. Yeah.

902
00:41:14,800 --> 00:41:17,399
Speaker 1: The biggest thing is she just can't. You can't train

903
00:41:17,440 --> 00:41:19,799
Speaker 1: her that it works. You got a trainer that it

904
00:41:19,840 --> 00:41:22,520
Speaker 1: doesn't work. Yeah. I see many people suggesting that my

905
00:41:22,600 --> 00:41:25,160
Speaker 1: husband and I go no contact, and I completely agree

906
00:41:25,640 --> 00:41:29,000
Speaker 1: in theory. It's easier for me, because honestly, I couldn't

907
00:41:29,000 --> 00:41:30,920
Speaker 1: care less if she's mad at me. It's just much

908
00:41:30,960 --> 00:41:33,359
Speaker 1: easier said than done for him. And there are two

909
00:41:33,440 --> 00:41:36,799
Speaker 1: big reasons why. First, cultural pressure. My husband is the

910
00:41:36,800 --> 00:41:40,680
Speaker 1: only son and eldest grandson in his family. In his village,

911
00:41:40,760 --> 00:41:44,400
Speaker 1: it's still deeply ingrained that children are responsible for taking

912
00:41:44,440 --> 00:41:48,040
Speaker 1: care of their parents, especially the eldest grandson, who is

913
00:41:48,080 --> 00:41:51,480
Speaker 1: expected to take care of the entire extended family. He

914
00:41:51,520 --> 00:41:55,280
Speaker 1: even mentioned a relative who gave up his job, wife

915
00:41:55,280 --> 00:41:58,160
Speaker 1: and kids in another province just to move home and

916
00:41:58,239 --> 00:42:01,880
Speaker 1: care for his parents. I remember saying, I'm sorry, that's

917
00:42:01,960 --> 00:42:04,080
Speaker 1: such a messed up story when he told me that

918
00:42:04,160 --> 00:42:07,520
Speaker 1: whenever he pushes back against his mom, she flips the script.

919
00:42:07,800 --> 00:42:10,160
Speaker 1: She'll cry and ask him things like promise you won't

920
00:42:10,160 --> 00:42:12,920
Speaker 1: abandon me. When he calmly asks, do you want me

921
00:42:13,000 --> 00:42:17,759
Speaker 1: to come home and live poorly with you? She immediately backtracks. No, no, no,

922
00:42:17,840 --> 00:42:20,640
Speaker 1: that's not what I meant. It's the constant emotional yo

923
00:42:20,719 --> 00:42:24,080
Speaker 1: yo that infuriates me. When I express frustration about her behavior,

924
00:42:24,160 --> 00:42:27,000
Speaker 1: he'll often say, yes, she wants me closer, but she's

925
00:42:27,000 --> 00:42:29,960
Speaker 1: not demanding it, as if that makes her behavior. Okay,

926
00:42:30,400 --> 00:42:34,040
Speaker 1: it's exhausting for contact. My own parents are the complete opposite.

927
00:42:34,080 --> 00:42:37,200
Speaker 1: They're just happy I live well and never interfere. So

928
00:42:37,320 --> 00:42:40,040
Speaker 1: it's been a real adjustment trying to understand this cultural

929
00:42:40,080 --> 00:42:43,120
Speaker 1: double standard, even though we're from the same country. Second,

930
00:42:43,480 --> 00:42:46,360
Speaker 1: mother in law's safety and situation. When I said my

931
00:42:46,400 --> 00:42:48,440
Speaker 1: mother in law and father in law don't get along,

932
00:42:48,800 --> 00:42:52,480
Speaker 1: that was an understatement. Every time things get violent, my

933
00:42:52,600 --> 00:42:55,879
Speaker 1: husband drops everything and flies home to break it up. Hey,

934
00:42:55,960 --> 00:42:57,840
Speaker 1: maybe let's just like blieve.

935
00:42:58,560 --> 00:43:01,520
Speaker 2: Yeah, well, but we leave our village, you know, maybe

936
00:43:01,560 --> 00:43:04,440
Speaker 2: we leave the husband who treats us bad, and we

937
00:43:04,560 --> 00:43:07,720
Speaker 2: leave our village where you know, we demand our children

938
00:43:07,840 --> 00:43:09,920
Speaker 2: blow up their whole lives to take care of us,

939
00:43:10,040 --> 00:43:11,680
Speaker 2: and instead maybe we go to where they are.

940
00:43:11,960 --> 00:43:15,000
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think, well, I think, Opiece, just like I

941
00:43:15,040 --> 00:43:18,279
Speaker 3: would do that. But my husband did not escape from

942
00:43:18,320 --> 00:43:20,600
Speaker 3: that right now, and I think it's i don't know,

943
00:43:20,800 --> 00:43:24,640
Speaker 3: encouraging him, getting him to therapy, encouraging him too. If

944
00:43:24,680 --> 00:43:27,560
Speaker 3: it is affecting him this much, do you find a

945
00:43:27,600 --> 00:43:30,440
Speaker 3: way to at least limit that contact and to create

946
00:43:30,520 --> 00:43:34,400
Speaker 3: boundaries and separation from those members of the family.

947
00:43:34,600 --> 00:43:36,560
Speaker 1: My father in law's made it clear he doesn't want

948
00:43:36,560 --> 00:43:38,400
Speaker 1: to live with her anymore, and my husband has begged

949
00:43:38,440 --> 00:43:40,799
Speaker 1: his mom to move in to her parents' old house,

950
00:43:40,840 --> 00:43:44,080
Speaker 1: which is only ten minutes away and currently empty, but

951
00:43:44,200 --> 00:43:47,279
Speaker 1: she refuses, saying that if she moves out, it would

952
00:43:47,360 --> 00:43:50,680
Speaker 1: look like she did something wrong and it got booted out,

953
00:43:50,840 --> 00:43:52,920
Speaker 1: and the other villagers will gossip about her.

954
00:43:52,960 --> 00:43:57,960
Speaker 3: Who caress Again also difficult, but I feel way less

955
00:43:58,360 --> 00:44:01,440
Speaker 3: sympathy for her when she's treating you guys so poorly.

956
00:44:01,800 --> 00:44:04,640
Speaker 1: So they've been in this strange limbo for months now,

957
00:44:04,680 --> 00:44:07,640
Speaker 1: living under the same roof but basically separated, yet she

958
00:44:07,719 --> 00:44:10,600
Speaker 1: keeps monitoring everything he does, where he goes, what he

959
00:44:10,719 --> 00:44:13,920
Speaker 1: orders online, even when he gets paid. She knows exactly

960
00:44:13,960 --> 00:44:16,400
Speaker 1: where he keeps his salary and will check his pockets

961
00:44:16,400 --> 00:44:18,480
Speaker 1: to see if the cash is still there. If it's not,

962
00:44:18,840 --> 00:44:21,919
Speaker 1: she immediately contacts my husband to say that his dad

963
00:44:22,000 --> 00:44:24,280
Speaker 1: must be spending it all on women at the local

964
00:44:24,320 --> 00:44:27,160
Speaker 1: bars or wasting money while she and my husband don't

965
00:44:27,200 --> 00:44:29,400
Speaker 1: even get a dime. My father in law, on the

966
00:44:29,400 --> 00:44:33,360
Speaker 1: other hand, has become a heavy drinker, often passing out somewhere.

967
00:44:33,480 --> 00:44:36,239
Speaker 1: When that happens, my mother in law calls the relatives

968
00:44:36,280 --> 00:44:38,440
Speaker 1: to come see him like that, and then tells them

969
00:44:38,440 --> 00:44:41,200
Speaker 1: to inform my husband what a terrible father and husband

970
00:44:41,480 --> 00:44:44,239
Speaker 1: my father in law is. You can imagine how emotionally

971
00:44:44,320 --> 00:44:47,359
Speaker 1: draining this is for my husband. We have a little

972
00:44:47,400 --> 00:44:51,040
Speaker 1: bit more story left. Your parentals need to get away

973
00:44:51,040 --> 00:44:53,719
Speaker 1: from each other. Man, and that's I know, op is

974
00:44:53,760 --> 00:44:54,719
Speaker 1: not the but.

975
00:44:56,040 --> 00:44:58,800
Speaker 3: Yeah, but that's not even your business at that point,

976
00:44:58,880 --> 00:45:02,640
Speaker 3: I think, I don't know. Hopefully your husband can realize

977
00:45:02,680 --> 00:45:07,040
Speaker 3: that his parents' failing marriage is not his responsibility, and

978
00:45:07,120 --> 00:45:10,439
Speaker 3: it's gonna fail regardless without him. It's going straight down

979
00:45:10,480 --> 00:45:15,120
Speaker 3: the trash chute, and he's clearly not even living near them,

980
00:45:15,239 --> 00:45:17,240
Speaker 3: So let it go down that trash chute.

981
00:45:17,360 --> 00:45:21,160
Speaker 1: I think that might be the only logical explanation to

982
00:45:21,160 --> 00:45:23,759
Speaker 1: make matters worse. My mother in law's health has been

983
00:45:23,800 --> 00:45:27,840
Speaker 1: fragile for years. He insists on taking labor intensive jobs

984
00:45:27,880 --> 00:45:30,680
Speaker 1: that worse in her condition, then calls my husband to

985
00:45:30,680 --> 00:45:33,759
Speaker 1: complain how she feels sick. Once she even asked him

986
00:45:33,760 --> 00:45:36,439
Speaker 1: to call and talk to her doctor. When he asked

987
00:45:36,480 --> 00:45:38,880
Speaker 1: why she couldn't do it herself, she said, I just

988
00:45:39,000 --> 00:45:42,399
Speaker 1: want you to do it. It's all so emotionally enmeshed. She

989
00:45:42,440 --> 00:45:45,480
Speaker 1: relies on him to fill every emotional void in her life,

990
00:45:45,920 --> 00:45:49,200
Speaker 1: and it's suffocated. I've tried to gently suggest therapy. We're

991
00:45:49,239 --> 00:45:52,520
Speaker 1: counseling for my husband, but he's still hesitant. For now,

992
00:45:52,560 --> 00:45:55,960
Speaker 1: I'm focusing on maintaining my own peace and boundaries, but

993
00:45:55,960 --> 00:45:59,560
Speaker 1: it's really hard for me watching him carry all this guilt.

994
00:45:59,800 --> 00:46:03,200
Speaker 1: And that is the end of that story. It sure

995
00:46:03,480 --> 00:46:06,520
Speaker 1: is a tough spot to be in.

996
00:46:06,800 --> 00:46:09,160
Speaker 3: Yeah, and I hope that you can just continue to

997
00:46:09,200 --> 00:46:12,719
Speaker 3: talk and have those conversations, those open conversations about your

998
00:46:12,800 --> 00:46:17,600
Speaker 3: feelings because you are being affected, but he just doesn't

999
00:46:17,640 --> 00:46:19,560
Speaker 3: seem to like know how to get out of that.

1000
00:46:20,080 --> 00:46:23,560
Speaker 3: He feels stuck your husband, it seems, so hopefully you

1001
00:46:23,600 --> 00:46:25,960
Speaker 3: can work through that together. But that's the end of

1002
00:46:25,960 --> 00:46:30,279
Speaker 3: that story. And we've got some comments. Oh yeah, we do.

1003
00:46:31,440 --> 00:46:36,080
Speaker 1: Ooh oh gee, golly, hey, it's Jean here. We're gonna

1004
00:46:36,080 --> 00:46:37,879
Speaker 1: get back to this episode, but a quick three minute

1005
00:46:37,880 --> 00:46:39,440
Speaker 1: break with aswermre sponsors.

1006
00:46:39,600 --> 00:46:43,360
Speaker 5: So we've got some comments here from the video my

1007
00:46:43,640 --> 00:46:47,400
Speaker 5: ex made my son choose between me and my dog.

1008
00:46:47,960 --> 00:46:51,560
Speaker 3: I remember this one, bloy.

1009
00:46:52,400 --> 00:46:57,160
Speaker 5: So this was posted on November fifteenth, twenty twenty five,

1010
00:46:57,200 --> 00:47:00,520
Speaker 5: and this is from the first story in that episode

1011
00:47:00,680 --> 00:47:03,480
Speaker 5: so Little TELDR. For you guys who haven't seen it,

1012
00:47:03,719 --> 00:47:07,280
Speaker 5: OPI gave away his wife's beloved dog because his thirteen

1013
00:47:07,360 --> 00:47:11,279
Speaker 5: year old son suddenly developed allergies and ex wife refused

1014
00:47:11,280 --> 00:47:14,720
Speaker 5: to let him take medicine. Then at Christmas, ex wife

1015
00:47:14,719 --> 00:47:17,920
Speaker 5: got her own dog and son started taking allergy meds

1016
00:47:17,920 --> 00:47:20,800
Speaker 5: with no problems. Trus out the whole allergy thing was fake,

1017
00:47:20,880 --> 00:47:25,440
Speaker 5: and op fell for it. Stepdaughters were devastated. Opie tried

1018
00:47:25,480 --> 00:47:28,960
Speaker 5: getting revenge by fighting for custody using the same dog excuse,

1019
00:47:29,239 --> 00:47:33,439
Speaker 5: which massively backfired son and moved to grandparents house, saying

1020
00:47:33,480 --> 00:47:36,560
Speaker 5: everyone hates him now. Son told OPI that he hates

1021
00:47:36,680 --> 00:47:40,399
Speaker 5: him and won't talk to either parent. And if you're

1022
00:47:40,480 --> 00:47:43,399
Speaker 5: curious to know the full story, you can go watch

1023
00:47:43,520 --> 00:47:46,760
Speaker 5: the full video. And we do have comments, you guys,

1024
00:47:46,800 --> 00:47:47,960
Speaker 5: You guys remember that video.

1025
00:47:48,239 --> 00:47:51,960
Speaker 1: I don't I that's my that's that sounds like a

1026
00:47:52,440 --> 00:47:53,520
Speaker 1: bad situation.

1027
00:47:53,800 --> 00:47:54,640
Speaker 3: It was pretty bad.

1028
00:47:54,840 --> 00:47:57,560
Speaker 5: Sounds like we do have some comments. Pale forty one

1029
00:47:57,680 --> 00:48:00,919
Speaker 5: forty six says that story our fluent piss me off.

1030
00:48:01,080 --> 00:48:03,719
Speaker 5: I understand the kids being manipulated, but yeah, if I

1031
00:48:03,760 --> 00:48:06,560
Speaker 5: were the stepdaughters, I would absolutely resent that kid.

1032
00:48:06,360 --> 00:48:08,840
Speaker 3: For the rest of my life. What a terrible situation.

1033
00:48:09,120 --> 00:48:12,880
Speaker 5: And another commentary actually R fifty three thirty four says,

1034
00:48:13,040 --> 00:48:15,840
Speaker 5: where I live, the course will take into consideration the

1035
00:48:15,880 --> 00:48:19,319
Speaker 5: once of a thirteen year old or older child, So

1036
00:48:19,640 --> 00:48:22,160
Speaker 5: going to court could backfire for Op if the son

1037
00:48:22,239 --> 00:48:25,120
Speaker 5: asks for lesser time, with the son choosing to go

1038
00:48:25,200 --> 00:48:27,320
Speaker 5: to his grandparents, I have a feeling that both parents

1039
00:48:27,440 --> 00:48:28,839
Speaker 5: have sucked the whole time.

1040
00:48:29,080 --> 00:48:31,400
Speaker 1: Yeah, it sounds about right if they're willing to just

1041
00:48:31,480 --> 00:48:33,840
Speaker 1: like bite amongst themselves and use their child as a

1042
00:48:33,920 --> 00:48:35,080
Speaker 1: pawn in the middle of it. Now.

1043
00:48:35,640 --> 00:48:38,560
Speaker 3: Yeah, and like the end the story, the Op kept

1044
00:48:38,640 --> 00:48:41,600
Speaker 3: thinking that his son was like lying and being purposely

1045
00:48:41,920 --> 00:48:48,120
Speaker 3: difficult and stuff, and then so much like yeah, nice,

1046
00:48:48,160 --> 00:48:50,080
Speaker 3: which was very fair. Are the green?

1047
00:48:51,880 --> 00:48:54,800
Speaker 5: At thirteen years old, he is old enough to decide

1048
00:48:54,840 --> 00:48:55,560
Speaker 5: to not go there.

1049
00:48:55,640 --> 00:48:57,840
Speaker 3: Crappy that it came to that, but he made his choice.

1050
00:48:57,880 --> 00:49:01,839
Speaker 5: And last comment Thanny Urie fifteen ten says, my mom

1051
00:49:01,920 --> 00:49:04,959
Speaker 5: absolutely hates my dad, but growing up she never said

1052
00:49:05,000 --> 00:49:06,359
Speaker 5: anything negative about him.

1053
00:49:06,480 --> 00:49:08,440
Speaker 3: Do you just tell me the basics about him and

1054
00:49:08,560 --> 00:49:10,320
Speaker 3: encourage me to give him a chance.

1055
00:49:10,840 --> 00:49:14,280
Speaker 5: He was an absentee father when he was an absentee

1056
00:49:14,320 --> 00:49:17,160
Speaker 5: father whenever he popped up until I formed my.

1057
00:49:17,160 --> 00:49:20,200
Speaker 6: Own opinion of him then and only then after I

1058
00:49:20,280 --> 00:49:23,680
Speaker 6: realized how he was did she ever say anything negative

1059
00:49:23,680 --> 00:49:26,279
Speaker 6: about him, And even then she still encouraged me to

1060
00:49:26,320 --> 00:49:28,720
Speaker 6: talk to him and always said it was my choice completely.

1061
00:49:29,160 --> 00:49:31,719
Speaker 3: I think that's absolutely the way to do it. Yeah,

1062
00:49:31,760 --> 00:49:33,560
Speaker 3: I don't think love about her because in this story

1063
00:49:33,600 --> 00:49:38,120
Speaker 3: that they were so just like negative and toxic about

1064
00:49:38,120 --> 00:49:38,520
Speaker 3: each other.

1065
00:49:38,600 --> 00:49:42,520
Speaker 1: The sound pretty cantankerous. Yeah, you never want to be

1066
00:49:42,560 --> 00:49:43,840
Speaker 1: cantankers when there's.

1067
00:49:43,800 --> 00:49:48,000
Speaker 3: Child involved, now you, sir, absolutely not. That's the end

1068
00:49:48,000 --> 00:49:50,759
Speaker 3: of that comments and the end of this episode. So

1069
00:49:51,000 --> 00:49:53,160
Speaker 3: if you love us, make sure to subscribe We

1070
00:49:53,360 --> 00:49:55,840
Speaker 1: Love you and see it all