1 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,840 Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch 2 00:00:12,920 --> 00:00:15,920 Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat. 3 00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:17,920 Speaker 1: I am the host, and if you don't know what 4 00:00:18,079 --> 00:00:22,439 Speaker 1: couch Talks is, it is the bonus episode of You 5 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:26,080 Speaker 1: Need Therapy where I Kat answer questions that you guys 6 00:00:26,120 --> 00:00:30,040 Speaker 1: the listeners send to Katherine at You Need Therapy podcast 7 00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:34,880 Speaker 1: dot com. Now quick reminder that although I am answering 8 00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:38,920 Speaker 1: your questions, this podcast does not it still does not 9 00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:42,560 Speaker 1: serve as a replacement or a substitute for any mental 10 00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:47,320 Speaker 1: health services, therapy, anything like that. However, we always hope 11 00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:49,239 Speaker 1: that it can help you and it will help you 12 00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:53,240 Speaker 1: wherever you are in the season that you're in now. 13 00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:56,440 Speaker 1: We usually answer one question per week, and that is 14 00:00:56,480 --> 00:00:58,600 Speaker 1: what we're going to do today. Sometimes I like to 15 00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:00,880 Speaker 1: spice it up and just talk about random things, like 16 00:01:00,920 --> 00:01:02,680 Speaker 1: I did last week when I talked about my trip 17 00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:04,959 Speaker 1: to Chicago. But this week we're going to stay on 18 00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:07,039 Speaker 1: the format and we are going to read a listener 19 00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:10,360 Speaker 1: question that we always keep anonymous, and then we're going 20 00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:13,880 Speaker 1: to talk about it. So let's just jump into it. 21 00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:18,240 Speaker 1: This listener writes, Hey, Kat, my fiance is currently deployed. 22 00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:21,160 Speaker 1: He's been gone for seven months with two months to go. 23 00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:25,399 Speaker 1: I was raised in a military family, with my mom 24 00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:28,600 Speaker 1: gone a lot on different assignments. I never wanted to 25 00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:31,600 Speaker 1: marry military because I really struggled with loneliness when my 26 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:34,360 Speaker 1: family was always separated and my mother had a lot 27 00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:38,080 Speaker 1: of PTSD that wasn't treated. I'm so in love with 28 00:01:38,120 --> 00:01:40,880 Speaker 1: this man, but I can't help feel upset and angry 29 00:01:40,920 --> 00:01:44,720 Speaker 1: with him that he's gone. I almost feel like he 30 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:47,920 Speaker 1: left me, although that's not the case. I spent the 31 00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:50,560 Speaker 1: first half of deployment so scared every day that he 32 00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:52,520 Speaker 1: was going to die, and now I am just so 33 00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:55,680 Speaker 1: burnt out. I don't know how to navigate him coming 34 00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:58,440 Speaker 1: home and having him in my life every day after 35 00:01:58,480 --> 00:02:02,000 Speaker 1: being gone for so long. I'm afraid of harboring resentment 36 00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:05,160 Speaker 1: for him leaving. We will be moving two times within 37 00:02:05,360 --> 00:02:08,079 Speaker 1: a year's span when he gets back, and I'm also 38 00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:10,480 Speaker 1: worried I am going to spend so much time worrying 39 00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:12,880 Speaker 1: about his career that I do not get to have 40 00:02:12,919 --> 00:02:15,840 Speaker 1: one myself. I was wondering if you had any advice 41 00:02:15,919 --> 00:02:19,920 Speaker 1: as I navigate this. Thanks. Okay, So there's so much 42 00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:24,120 Speaker 1: in this email, a lot of emotion, a lot of worries, 43 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:26,919 Speaker 1: just a lot of stuff, and I don't want to 44 00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:29,800 Speaker 1: simplify this, oversimplify this. And at the same time, like 45 00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:32,359 Speaker 1: I usually say when I do these episodes, there's only 46 00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:35,639 Speaker 1: so much I can offer. Just because I'm not here 47 00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:38,400 Speaker 1: or I'm not there with you, I don't have all 48 00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:41,240 Speaker 1: of the information I would need. And sometimes I think 49 00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:44,519 Speaker 1: when we try to minimize our problems into a paragraph 50 00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:47,280 Speaker 1: like this, the advice and the feedback we can get 51 00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:52,120 Speaker 1: can feel invalidating or simplified, and it's not always as helpful. 52 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:55,280 Speaker 1: So I'm saying that right now just for anybody listening 53 00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:57,440 Speaker 1: to take whatever I'm going to say with a grain 54 00:02:57,480 --> 00:02:59,639 Speaker 1: of salt. If it doesn't fit, then it doesn't fit. 55 00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:02,520 Speaker 1: And if it feels like you need more, well you 56 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:05,480 Speaker 1: probably do because I can only do so much. But 57 00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:08,360 Speaker 1: I first want to say, this sounds really hard, Like 58 00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:11,560 Speaker 1: this whole idea sounds very hard. The fact that you 59 00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:14,760 Speaker 1: were separated from your partner, in the fact that your 60 00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:18,679 Speaker 1: partner you're separated because you're in the military, that feels 61 00:03:18,919 --> 00:03:21,440 Speaker 1: like it would be a lot to deal with and 62 00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:24,960 Speaker 1: cope with without seemingly sometimes it feels like you are 63 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:27,520 Speaker 1: doing that alone. Because you guys are not together all 64 00:03:27,560 --> 00:03:30,480 Speaker 1: the time. The first thing I thought as I was 65 00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:33,919 Speaker 1: thinking about this email was a part of me wondering 66 00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:38,480 Speaker 1: if you are angry at maybe yourself for doing something 67 00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:40,400 Speaker 1: that you said you didn't want to do, which would 68 00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:43,520 Speaker 1: be marrying into the military. And this does not mean 69 00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:45,760 Speaker 1: that that is a bad thing or you're doing something wrong. 70 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:48,000 Speaker 1: But one of the first things you said is I 71 00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:51,520 Speaker 1: never wanted to marry military because you struggled with loneliness 72 00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:53,800 Speaker 1: and your family was separated and your mom had PTSD, 73 00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:56,240 Speaker 1: and so you probably always told yourself, I'm never going 74 00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:58,840 Speaker 1: to do this, and then you found yourself doing the 75 00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:00,600 Speaker 1: thing that you said you want ever going to do. 76 00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:03,360 Speaker 1: And you know, we do this a lot in different areas, 77 00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:06,200 Speaker 1: some that feel not as big and not as heavy. 78 00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:08,640 Speaker 1: We all make those comments about I will never treat 79 00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:10,880 Speaker 1: my kids like that, or I'll never treat my partner 80 00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:13,840 Speaker 1: like that, or I'll never when we are going through 81 00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:16,479 Speaker 1: our life as a child and adolescent and young adult, 82 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:19,160 Speaker 1: and then what do you know, we find ourselves doing 83 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:22,880 Speaker 1: those very things, And again doesn't mean it's bad, but 84 00:04:23,279 --> 00:04:28,240 Speaker 1: it might require some of you reframing what it is 85 00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:30,400 Speaker 1: that brought you to do this thing that you said 86 00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:32,760 Speaker 1: you were never going to do, And can you separate 87 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:36,039 Speaker 1: the experience you had from childhood from what you're going 88 00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:39,440 Speaker 1: through now, Like there probably are definitely similarities and also 89 00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:42,039 Speaker 1: there's going to be differences, and you get to decide 90 00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:45,640 Speaker 1: what those differences are going to be together with your partner. 91 00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:48,599 Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be the same exact experience, and 92 00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:50,880 Speaker 1: I really want to kind of empower you to create 93 00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:54,919 Speaker 1: that difference for yourself. It also sounds like in that 94 00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:59,080 Speaker 1: there is a reason obviously that you decided to override 95 00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:03,839 Speaker 1: this initial and I'm curious what would happen for you 96 00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:07,360 Speaker 1: if you spent some time focusing on what or what 97 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:09,720 Speaker 1: that was or what that is? What is it that 98 00:05:09,839 --> 00:05:12,839 Speaker 1: drove you to be like never mind, or what is 99 00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:17,000 Speaker 1: it that drove you to forget or to again override 100 00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:20,000 Speaker 1: this sounds like pretty strong rule you wanted to have 101 00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:22,920 Speaker 1: for yourself. There was something about this relationship this person, 102 00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:28,760 Speaker 1: and if that is a loving, wonderful, kind, good, healthy, reason, 103 00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:31,280 Speaker 1: then what would happen if you sat with that and 104 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:34,960 Speaker 1: focused on that versus the things that aren't ideal about 105 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:37,960 Speaker 1: your situation? And if you're noticing it's coming out of 106 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:42,280 Speaker 1: trauma or a trauma bond, or an unhealthy expectation for 107 00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:44,839 Speaker 1: yourself or a rule for yourself. Then there might be 108 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:47,640 Speaker 1: some realizations that might come out of that as well. 109 00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:51,400 Speaker 1: I also one hundred percent understand being scared and feeling 110 00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:54,400 Speaker 1: lonely in your situation. It sounds like that is a 111 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:57,680 Speaker 1: very human thing to do. I don't know how or 112 00:05:57,720 --> 00:05:59,800 Speaker 1: why you would not feel those things because what you're 113 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:04,400 Speaker 1: experiencing alignance with that. I think that that really signifies 114 00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:06,720 Speaker 1: that you care about the person you're with, and you 115 00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:09,159 Speaker 1: care about your life together, and also you care about 116 00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:12,320 Speaker 1: the partnership you choose for yourself. It's signifying a lot 117 00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:16,919 Speaker 1: of care, and I think that is important versus signifying 118 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,120 Speaker 1: that like, something's wrong because I'm feeling these things that 119 00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:22,760 Speaker 1: are uncomfy. We get that a little confused sometimes when 120 00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:24,880 Speaker 1: we're when we're feeling feelings, we're like, oh, what does 121 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:28,520 Speaker 1: this mean? When really it might just that feeling you 122 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:31,880 Speaker 1: have could be your gut saying oh no, run, this 123 00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:35,360 Speaker 1: is not good. But also feelings that are uncomfortable can 124 00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:39,200 Speaker 1: also be saying wow, I'm deeply invested in this and 125 00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:41,120 Speaker 1: I deeply care about this thing, and this thing is 126 00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:43,839 Speaker 1: very important to me, and so I'm uncomfortable at the 127 00:06:43,839 --> 00:06:46,880 Speaker 1: thought of it not being perfect or ideal or the 128 00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:49,120 Speaker 1: way that I really would want it to be. That's 129 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:52,000 Speaker 1: not always a bad thing that you have uncomfortable feelings. 130 00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:54,880 Speaker 1: Those feelings could also be for all different kinds of reasons. 131 00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:57,360 Speaker 1: I don't want to just, you know, pigeonhole you into 132 00:06:57,480 --> 00:07:02,279 Speaker 1: two options. You're also talking a lot in this email 133 00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:05,560 Speaker 1: about being scared that you're going to do X fill 134 00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:07,719 Speaker 1: in the blank. And I think when we spend a 135 00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:10,320 Speaker 1: lot of time in that place, what happens is we 136 00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:14,520 Speaker 1: create these self fulfilling prophecies. So a self fulfilling prophecy, 137 00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:18,560 Speaker 1: if you're unfamiliar with what that is, are usually these 138 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:20,840 Speaker 1: things that we don't want to happen. It's like, I 139 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:23,760 Speaker 1: don't want my partner to leave me, and so I 140 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:26,840 Speaker 1: get become so hyper focused on my partner leaving me 141 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:29,520 Speaker 1: that I push them away. And then I'm like, see, 142 00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:31,760 Speaker 1: I told you what was going to happen, when really 143 00:07:31,920 --> 00:07:35,120 Speaker 1: we've created the space for that to happen, versus that 144 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:38,960 Speaker 1: just naturally happened. And again I'm sitting here wondering what 145 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,440 Speaker 1: would happen if you created some boundaries for yourself, and 146 00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:44,800 Speaker 1: you work to uphold those around what you want out 147 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:48,280 Speaker 1: of your life and how you need I think communication 148 00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:51,040 Speaker 1: can be difficult when somebody's deployed, but what you need 149 00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:53,880 Speaker 1: from your partner in some way, what you need to 150 00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:56,880 Speaker 1: offer your partner in some way. But more so, I'm 151 00:07:56,960 --> 00:08:00,160 Speaker 1: leaning against this idea that you're worried about abandoning your 152 00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:03,880 Speaker 1: own career. And if you created boundaries for yourself and 153 00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:06,600 Speaker 1: then you gave yourself the power to uphold those boundaries, 154 00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:10,440 Speaker 1: it might allow you more time to spend in the 155 00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:13,440 Speaker 1: present because you don't have to spend all of this 156 00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:16,720 Speaker 1: time in the present worrying about these things that you 157 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:20,840 Speaker 1: actually can take ownership of and set yourself up well in. 158 00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:24,320 Speaker 1: And you get to take ownership of your career. Yes, 159 00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:27,040 Speaker 1: moving is going to put limits and strains on certain things, 160 00:08:27,560 --> 00:08:29,880 Speaker 1: but only you can be the one that chooses to 161 00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:32,280 Speaker 1: abandon your career. Only you can be the one that 162 00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:36,720 Speaker 1: chooses to operate in a dysfunctional form of codependency where 163 00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:40,160 Speaker 1: you are putting somebody else's needs, wants, desires, and all 164 00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:42,880 Speaker 1: of those things in front of yours. And sometimes when 165 00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:45,680 Speaker 1: we do that, we're knowingly doing that, and we're saying, hey, 166 00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:48,040 Speaker 1: I'm choosing to put this person in front of me, 167 00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:51,680 Speaker 1: and I'm going to accept the consequence of this happening 168 00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:54,640 Speaker 1: and I'm choosing that, and that can be empowering. It's like, 169 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:57,720 Speaker 1: this isn't happening to me, I'm choosing it. And sometimes 170 00:08:57,720 --> 00:09:00,319 Speaker 1: we can say I'm not going to do that, going 171 00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:03,080 Speaker 1: to create boundaries for myself because this other thing is 172 00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:06,120 Speaker 1: really important to me and there might be a consequence 173 00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:08,400 Speaker 1: from that as well. But I want you to feel 174 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:11,920 Speaker 1: like you are choosing that versus life is just happening 175 00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:13,959 Speaker 1: to you and these are consequences that are just coming 176 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:17,160 Speaker 1: out of nowhere. How can you take more ownership of 177 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:20,320 Speaker 1: the things that you care about versus putting them in 178 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:23,480 Speaker 1: the hands of someone else or in the hands of 179 00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:28,240 Speaker 1: just whatever else. That might be really helpful. So again, 180 00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:32,120 Speaker 1: I know that I could talk about your email for hours, 181 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:34,280 Speaker 1: and sure I could sit down and talk to you 182 00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:36,880 Speaker 1: for hours about some of this stuff. But hopefully this 183 00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:39,440 Speaker 1: helps kind of scratch the surface. Hopefully there are people 184 00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:41,720 Speaker 1: in your life you can talk about these things with, 185 00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:44,920 Speaker 1: you can write in journal about these things. I highly 186 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:47,520 Speaker 1: highly recommend Allie Fallon's new book She was on that 187 00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:50,600 Speaker 1: podcast about a month ago talk about her book Write 188 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:53,400 Speaker 1: Your Story, and it is a really wonderful book that 189 00:09:53,559 --> 00:09:56,400 Speaker 1: helps you write the story in the narrative that you 190 00:09:56,440 --> 00:09:58,959 Speaker 1: want to write in your life. I also recommend the 191 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:02,200 Speaker 1: book The Hero's Journey by Donald Miller, and it is 192 00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:06,240 Speaker 1: all about having the power and creating the opportunity for 193 00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:08,000 Speaker 1: you to become the hero in your life versus a 194 00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:10,080 Speaker 1: victim where like life just kind of happens to you. 195 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:13,880 Speaker 1: And so I want to really encourage you to check 196 00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:17,320 Speaker 1: those two things out, or anybody who's aligning or relating 197 00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:20,000 Speaker 1: to any of this. Donald Miller left us with two 198 00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:22,839 Speaker 1: questions when we interviewed him on Amy Brown's podcast a 199 00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:25,600 Speaker 1: couple of years ago. What big thing is this preparing 200 00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:29,680 Speaker 1: me for? And what does this make possible? That he 201 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:33,600 Speaker 1: asks when you are faced with adversity of any kind, 202 00:10:33,679 --> 00:10:35,480 Speaker 1: or really when things are not going our way, or 203 00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:38,360 Speaker 1: when things happen that get in the way of the 204 00:10:38,480 --> 00:10:40,560 Speaker 1: journey that we want to take. So I want to 205 00:10:40,559 --> 00:10:42,600 Speaker 1: offer those questions to you as well as they might 206 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:45,200 Speaker 1: be helpful. And you kind of teasing some of this 207 00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:49,320 Speaker 1: stuff out again, my heart, my feelings, all my empathy 208 00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:52,160 Speaker 1: goes out to you, because this does sound like a 209 00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:55,920 Speaker 1: really tough situation to be in, even just speaking from 210 00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:58,560 Speaker 1: forget the military part, just being apart from your partners 211 00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:02,559 Speaker 1: tough in general. With that added unknown of the military 212 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:05,079 Speaker 1: and what happens and what comes with that, you're in 213 00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:07,800 Speaker 1: a tough spot. And I also believe when we ask 214 00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:09,800 Speaker 1: for help, we can access the tools and the things 215 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:12,400 Speaker 1: that we need to move through those tough places. So 216 00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:14,760 Speaker 1: my heart goes out to you. Thank you for writing in, 217 00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:17,840 Speaker 1: and I hope this was helpful in some way. I 218 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:20,200 Speaker 1: will be back with you guys on Monday for a 219 00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:23,600 Speaker 1: new episode of You Need Therapy. Until then, I hope 220 00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:26,280 Speaker 1: you guys have the day you need to have. You 221 00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:29,480 Speaker 1: can follow us at You Need Therapy Podcasts and at 222 00:11:29,679 --> 00:11:32,600 Speaker 1: cat dot Defada on Instagram, and I will talk to 223 00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:44,000 Speaker 1: you on Monday.