Speaker 1: Episode one, Healthy Financial Boundaries with family and friends. Welcome
Speaker 1: to the Frugal Friends podcast, where you'll learn to save money,
Speaker 1: embrace simplicity rights, and live with your life. Here your
Speaker 1: host Jen and Jill. Welcome to the Frugal Friends Podcast.
Speaker 1: My name is Jen, my name is Jill, and today
Speaker 1: we are touching on having financial boundaries. Yes, boundaries. It's
Speaker 1: such a beautiful word when you understand them. Yes, And
Speaker 1: we we know we need financial boundaries with family, but
Speaker 1: we don't think of it so much with friends, and
Speaker 1: so we're also going to be talking about that too.
Speaker 1: Um So, I hope everyone get something out of this episode.
Speaker 1: Even if you don't have family that is crossing those boundaries,
Speaker 1: most people do, so yeah, yeah, I think a lot
Speaker 1: of people will get a lot of things out of
Speaker 1: this episode. But first, our sponsors. Next is saying no. Yep,
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Speaker 1: best sponsors on this show, So boundaries. Yeah, let's let's
Speaker 1: talk about them. Let's do it as a licensed social worker,
Speaker 1: define a bound for us. Yeah, so really a boundary,
Speaker 1: and there's all sorts of definitions, surely, But to me,
Speaker 1: it's recognizing what is my responsibility and what is not,
Speaker 1: which sounds so simple. But and I'm not trying to
Speaker 1: say that, oh it is that simple. It is a
Speaker 1: pretty simple concept, but the reality is that there is overlap.
Speaker 1: The reason why boundaries are so tricky and we get
Speaker 1: so tripped up with them is because we do bear
Speaker 1: influence on one another. So my actions and attitudes and behaviors,
Speaker 1: while they are my own and my responsibility, they do
Speaker 1: bear weight on other people, affect other people, impact other people,
Speaker 1: and so some of that we do have to to
Speaker 1: take ownership of that UM, be willing to apologize or
Speaker 1: be h or recognize. Yep, I did that, and maybe
Speaker 1: I'm okay with that, um, but not to cross over boundaries,
Speaker 1: either step over ourselves or step over another person to
Speaker 1: take on what is not our responsibility. So, while it's
Speaker 1: a pretty simple concept, it can be tough to delineate
Speaker 1: those lines. And I would say it takes a lifetime
Speaker 1: to recognize where the boundary lines fall because the reality
Speaker 1: is also boundary lines are is not. They're not one
Speaker 1: static thing. Our boundaries can shift and change. Our boundaries
Speaker 1: might look different in certain relationships than others. I almost
Speaker 1: describe it like if we were to take a walk
Speaker 1: down the road and just look at the different types
Speaker 1: of boundary lines that exist. We might see shrubs mark
Speaker 1: demarkeating boundary lines. We might see fences or gates or
Speaker 1: stone walls or no wall at all, or just a
Speaker 1: sidewalk meeting up with grass like there's all sort It's
Speaker 1: similar in our personal lives, our relationships are find our finances,
Speaker 1: there are different types of boundaries, and so part of
Speaker 1: this process as we talk about financial boundaries is recognizing
Speaker 1: that they're different. It's not as if I just make
Speaker 1: one statement of I don't lend money to people and
Speaker 1: that's it. That's very very rigid. It might be that
Speaker 1: I don't lend money to so and so, or I
Speaker 1: don't lend money without X, y Z present, or that's
Speaker 1: just an example. But as an overarching um explanation of
Speaker 1: boundaries in general, I would say recognizing responsibility what's mine
Speaker 1: to pick up what's not mine, and how do I
Speaker 1: make sure I do not pick up what does not
Speaker 1: belong to me. Excellent, thank you for that welcome. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that was thorough and I think a lot of people fall.
Speaker 1: I mean, it's easy to make very rigid boundaries. Um,
Speaker 1: but it's and it's healthier than not having any boundaries
Speaker 1: for sure. Um. But we want to be the best
Speaker 1: version of ourselves, so we want to learn how to
Speaker 1: have appropriate boundaries, um, and boundaries that are fluid where
Speaker 1: they need to be and rigid where they need to be.
Speaker 1: So yeah, this first article is from Holly Sharer and
Speaker 1: it's when helping hurts how to set financial boundaries. What
Speaker 1: did you like on this one, Chill, I like what
Speaker 1: this article has to say about boundaries and resentment. Uh.
Speaker 1: And so my perspective on this is when we are
Speaker 1: determining where our boundary lines fall, resentment and bitterness are
Speaker 1: usually good indicator signs that a boundary has been, has been,
Speaker 1: or is being crossed. Where we start to perceive this
Speaker 1: inside of ourselves, usually it's an indicator of oh why
Speaker 1: am I experiencing this? It might be because of a
Speaker 1: boundary that has yet to be discovered. Uh, is already
Speaker 1: there and I just need to perceive it a bit better.
Speaker 1: And so some of the reasons that resentment or bitterness
Speaker 1: might come in. They list out three reasons in this article.
Speaker 1: It is expectations, manipulation, lending um. These different things that
Speaker 1: can lead to bitterness, resentment, a boundary line being crossed,
Speaker 1: and so they talk about expectations maybe that you hope
Speaker 1: that you had had or somebody else had of you,
Speaker 1: UM and and maybe being disappointed and that leading to
Speaker 1: um yeah, boundary lines being crossed, or where there might
Speaker 1: be manipulation of somebody trying to get you to do
Speaker 1: something that maybe you're not comfortable with, by using different
Speaker 1: types of guilt tactics or relational um tactics to get
Speaker 1: you to do something to sidestep what it is that
Speaker 1: you might feel comfortable with. And another common thing that
Speaker 1: can lead us to resentment would be lending money where
Speaker 1: we're not comfortable doing that or maybe we don't have
Speaker 1: the money to lend um. Yeah. So these kind of
Speaker 1: three different categories that they list out. Certainly, I think
Speaker 1: there's there's more than this. This is not a comprehensive list,
Speaker 1: but I think important to look at these areas um
Speaker 1: how they play a role in our lives and whether
Speaker 1: we're perceiving boundary lines for ourselves in these areas. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I specifically like I want to touch more onto I
Speaker 1: don't like, I want to touch more on the manipulation
Speaker 1: part UM because I feel like this is a big
Speaker 1: thing in families, especially immediate family members, is that people
Speaker 1: will use UM guilt, shame, threats, triangulation, UM, blame, bribery,
Speaker 1: even lies UM two make you feel responsible for something financially,
Speaker 1: So whether that's supporting a family member or not just
Speaker 1: lending money. But there are a lot of ways UM
Speaker 1: that you can be manipulated out of your money, and
Speaker 1: the family is trying to make you think that it's
Speaker 1: your responsibility UM for for toxic reasons UM in toxic ways.
Speaker 1: So and this is something that definitely will take some
Speaker 1: UM outside help, Like you're not going to figure this
Speaker 1: out by listening to a podcast UM. And so I'm
Speaker 1: actually very excited about our sponsor are ural sponsor today
Speaker 1: UM to help out with us, But we'll talk about
Speaker 1: that later. So, Yeah, it's it's definitely something that you
Speaker 1: need to go through and work out to figure out.
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, that I mean she is trying to
Speaker 1: guilt me. She is trying to shame me. He is
Speaker 1: um bribing me um or or blaming me into making
Speaker 1: me think that this financial thing is my responsibility. Well said,
Speaker 1: and I will want to highlight the fact that usually,
Speaker 1: particularly in family dynamics, there are deep rooted patterns that
Speaker 1: will not just disappear overnight. Because we've heard of this
Speaker 1: term called boundaries. It will take lots of work and uh,
Speaker 1: personal clarity and confidence in the boundaries that you're perceiving
Speaker 1: to be able to move forward. Well, any time we
Speaker 1: set a new boundary where it has not been before,
Speaker 1: people will push against it. People will not just immediately
Speaker 1: respect boundary lines, uh, and it will often disrupt, especially
Speaker 1: where there are established patterns um of relating previously. It's
Speaker 1: it's not going to be an easy thing to implement
Speaker 1: or even an easy thing to identify as you know
Speaker 1: the person trying to set these boundaries. So I will
Speaker 1: echo what you're saying. Gen of needing assistance in this process,
Speaker 1: preferably by a trained professional who can help be another
Speaker 1: perspective and an unbiased perspective to be able to point
Speaker 1: some of these things out. Give you a script to
Speaker 1: be able to do this and help you with the
Speaker 1: confidence that you need to be able to stick to
Speaker 1: that thing until it becomes the new established pattern where
Speaker 1: we train people how to treat us and and there
Speaker 1: will be a train process in this UM depending on
Speaker 1: to how unhealthy the established pattern is. I mean, if
Speaker 1: we're talking about guilt, shame, threats, triangulation, lies, blame, bribery,
Speaker 1: holy smokes, that's that's not just a one man job.
Speaker 1: If you are caught up into that vortex of things,
Speaker 1: and when it comes to money, yeah, it can get
Speaker 1: very very messy, and therapy counseling wise, counsel can be
Speaker 1: very very useful if this is the type of situation
Speaker 1: you find yourself in. Yeah, and I think it's not
Speaker 1: just so sometimes we associate these with like negative emotions
Speaker 1: and experiences, but you can have poor financial boundaries with
Speaker 1: your family even if you associate it with UM positively,
Speaker 1: like with success and like your you know you've been successful,
Speaker 1: you have money and you're taking care of people, or
Speaker 1: even if you don't have money, you just are such
Speaker 1: a people pleaser and a UM you enjoy helping people,
Speaker 1: and so this like brings you joy. Just because it
Speaker 1: brings you joy doesn't mean it's healthy. Um So, boundaries
Speaker 1: are even more important for you because you don't want
Speaker 1: to one day like build bitterness and resentment after nobody
Speaker 1: appreciates you for so many years and all you're doing this.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that will happen, but even if you
Speaker 1: feel any time that this is finding like a financial matter,
Speaker 1: that something with your money involves your finances, then you
Speaker 1: have to take a look at it and hopefully get
Speaker 1: a third party to look at what's going on. Um So,
Speaker 1: whether that is a counselor that's maybe helping you through
Speaker 1: some like family stuff. I mean, this happens a lot
Speaker 1: after you know, maybe somebody us is away and somebody
Speaker 1: has to take on a mortgage or some other kind
Speaker 1: of loan or something. Then maybe your people are expecting
Speaker 1: you to be the one to take grandma's house because
Speaker 1: of where you're at, but like financially, that's not where
Speaker 1: you are or something like that. So it can be
Speaker 1: so many different things, and it's definitely healthy to get
Speaker 1: a third party and neutral party to look at it,
Speaker 1: whether it's counseling or whether it's you know, an attorney
Speaker 1: or whatever whatever works in the situation. Yeah, it's such
Speaker 1: a good point. It's not just about means, whether or
Speaker 1: not I have the means. Certainly it's advisable to not
Speaker 1: be helping or financially to extreme amounts if you don't
Speaker 1: have the money to do that. So, yes, that's true.
Speaker 1: And it is also true as even the title of
Speaker 1: this article is communicating just helping, even if you have
Speaker 1: the means to do so, has the potential of actually hurting,
Speaker 1: are causing harm, That there is a space that we
Speaker 1: can step into that is taking away from another person's
Speaker 1: autonomy or ability to learn do for themselves, right that
Speaker 1: like teach a man of fish or like just give
Speaker 1: them a fish kind of concept. And and this is
Speaker 1: gonna sound a little bit hokey, but I do think
Speaker 1: it's an excellent illustration that, similar to this concept of
Speaker 1: of potentially hurting, where we actually think we might be
Speaker 1: helping if we were to think about I I use
Speaker 1: this illustration sometimes even in counseling, because boundaries is where
Speaker 1: a lot of the counseling does go. It is a
Speaker 1: complicated topic. It can be is to think about a butterfly. Granted,
Speaker 1: butterflies are not actually my favorite. I get it that
Speaker 1: they're pretty, but at the end of the day, there's
Speaker 1: still an insect. But here you go. Butterflies, we all know,
Speaker 1: start from caterpillars when they are in their cook un
Speaker 1: and coming out of their cocoon preparing to be that
Speaker 1: beautiful butterfly insect. It's quite a struggle for them to
Speaker 1: come out of their cocoon. And to the untrained, naive,
Speaker 1: maybe even potentially ignorant person could think, let me just
Speaker 1: go help like tear open that cocoon, let this butterfly
Speaker 1: like fly free, uh, sooner than what they they could have,
Speaker 1: or let's save them from the struggle. And in reality,
Speaker 1: if we were to do that, we would weaken the
Speaker 1: butterfly's muscles, they would not be able to actually fly away.
Speaker 1: It kills the butterfly to open up their cocoon uh
Speaker 1: and not allow them to do it themselves. I think
Speaker 1: that this concept does relate sometimes into this boundaries conversation,
Speaker 1: particularly financial boundaries, that sometimes saving someone from a struggle
Speaker 1: is not actually helping them. It can actually hurt or
Speaker 1: stunt their growth, their ability to move forward, build their
Speaker 1: own skill sets, um become more independent in in this process.
Speaker 1: So even if we have the ability to come break
Speaker 1: open that cocoon. There are times when we shouldn't. This,
Speaker 1: of course, is different for every person. It does require
Speaker 1: our own introspection, are our own look at patterns, and
Speaker 1: so that's a big if I could, you know, pull
Speaker 1: out a tip in this little conversation right now, it
Speaker 1: would be to look at patterns of is this friend
Speaker 1: or a family member constantly coming to you for money?
Speaker 1: Are they constantly forgetting their wallet? Do they constantly need
Speaker 1: reminders to reimburse you for X, Y Z? Okay, that's
Speaker 1: a good indicator sign that there needs to be a
Speaker 1: boundary established. We're not talking about your an off friends
Speaker 1: situation where they really hit a rough patch and they're
Speaker 1: asking for some help. We're talking about really needing to
Speaker 1: establish some boundaries where we are seeing patterns of unhealth
Speaker 1: which we can identify in ourselves by looking for those
Speaker 1: indicator signs of bitterness and resentment and starting to identify. Okay,
Speaker 1: so what do I need to do here? Or there
Speaker 1: could be our own pattern, Maybe it's not necessarily with
Speaker 1: a sick specific person, but our own pattern of why
Speaker 1: do I keep picking up the bill every time I
Speaker 1: go out to a restaurant with anybody? That might be
Speaker 1: a personal issue, then it is an issue of other individuals.
Speaker 1: And if you're walking away with resentment of why am
Speaker 1: I always the one? Why am I the one who
Speaker 1: X y Z? Why does everything always fall on me?
Speaker 1: If you find yourself asking that question a lot or
Speaker 1: versions of that question, it's an indicator sign that probably
Speaker 1: boundaries need to come into place. Maybe you're having difficulties
Speaker 1: saying no, Maybe you are feeling your own internal sense
Speaker 1: of guilt and shame that is not being put on
Speaker 1: you by other people. A lot of different layers here, um,
Speaker 1: but ultimately, uh, to go back to my first point
Speaker 1: here of being careful to not save people from a
Speaker 1: struggle clouding it in this I'm helping, you might not be.
Speaker 1: You might be hindering. You might be um creating a
Speaker 1: dependence that's not necessary. Yeah, but it's so hard to
Speaker 1: identify whether that is a hinderance or an actual help.
Speaker 1: And it's messy and it is going to take some
Speaker 1: I mean it might take sometimes of messing that up,
Speaker 1: um to understand it, to learn it. It's not cut
Speaker 1: and dry. It's messy. Oh my word, there are landmines
Speaker 1: all over this thing. And that is okay, It's okay,
Speaker 1: if we walk away from a situation being like, oh
Speaker 1: that was about ju line, that was just cross and
Speaker 1: I didn't really realize that at the time, but now
Speaker 1: I do. It's what we do with those things and
Speaker 1: how we choose to move forward. Um. And and still
Speaker 1: being kind and generous along the way, but beginning to
Speaker 1: be a bit more discerning with was that kind and
Speaker 1: generous or was that maybe even hurtful but shrouded in
Speaker 1: this generosity that's not actually a generosity. So really, yeah,
Speaker 1: just starting to ask these questions to ourselves is a
Speaker 1: great place to begin. And there's no shame in messing
Speaker 1: up in the process. Yes, absolutely. Um So then the
Speaker 1: article goes on to kind of explain how to prevent resentment. Um.
Speaker 1: One of the tips she gives is to give without
Speaker 1: expectation of getting anything in return. Um, So give freely joyfully,
Speaker 1: not because you feel guilty or manipulated. Again, even if
Speaker 1: you are giving freely and joyfully, observe if there is
Speaker 1: a pattern to that, because you may be hindering without
Speaker 1: realizing it. Um. You know, at you at your family's expense. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I think this is a great tip to consider
Speaker 1: every time you are you might pay for something for
Speaker 1: another person, or lend money. I would say to do
Speaker 1: it with no expectation of getting it back. If you
Speaker 1: can do it with that in mind and you feel
Speaker 1: comfortable with that, then great, move forward. If you are
Speaker 1: like no, if I never see this money again, that
Speaker 1: will ruin relationship. Okay, don't do it. That's a good
Speaker 1: indicator sign that this probably is not the best choice
Speaker 1: for you in the situation. And it is okay to
Speaker 1: say no just because somebody asks for something. If you
Speaker 1: can't do it, whether because financial means or your own
Speaker 1: personal boundary lines being able to move forward in integrity
Speaker 1: and right relationship, then don't do it. Mm hmm, I
Speaker 1: love this one. She says. Also, consider what they're going
Speaker 1: to do with the money aligns with your values. So
Speaker 1: if you're a disciplined spender, would it challenge you to
Speaker 1: give to somebody who spends frivolously or irresponsibly um or
Speaker 1: if this person does things that you don't agree with
Speaker 1: um you know, whether it's socially, personally, career, whatever. If
Speaker 1: it doesn't align with you our values in the way
Speaker 1: you would spend your money, then you don't have to
Speaker 1: to give money that person. If someone's in a bind
Speaker 1: on paying their rent because they just went on a
Speaker 1: frivolous vacation and not maybe not for a luxurious vacation, uh,
Speaker 1: and now they can't pay rent. That might be a
Speaker 1: good opportunity to let that little butterfly struggle and learn
Speaker 1: from the struggle. All of our choices have consequences to them,
Speaker 1: and just rescuing somebody from uh maybe their own situation
Speaker 1: that they found themselves in. It's possible that we are
Speaker 1: not honoring or dignifying a person by rescuing from them
Speaker 1: from a situation that could provide an excellent learning experience,
Speaker 1: even if it is really difficult. Some ways to consider
Speaker 1: helping friends or family members without hurting them, As this
Speaker 1: article continues to go on to say, is look at
Speaker 1: alternative ways to assist somebody who might be having difficulty financially.
Speaker 1: If we are recognizing, you know what, this may not
Speaker 1: be the best time to be giving them money or
Speaker 1: paying for something. Is there another way that I can
Speaker 1: still stay invested in this relationship. One of those ways
Speaker 1: could be to help them create a budget. If you
Speaker 1: are in a situation where you understand finances maybe a
Speaker 1: little bit better than the person that you're trying to
Speaker 1: help and volunteer to sit down with them, look at
Speaker 1: what they make, what their expenses are, help them to
Speaker 1: identify ways that they can afford life in the future.
Speaker 1: And my goodness, is that a teaching a person to
Speaker 1: fish over giving them a fish. Yeah, and so this
Speaker 1: may not be feasible for every family member. I know
Speaker 1: I think about this one and I can't tell you
Speaker 1: how many times I offered to help my mom with
Speaker 1: her budget, but she didn't want me to know what
Speaker 1: she was making or any of that. So that may
Speaker 1: not always be an option. But bringing over a home
Speaker 1: cooked meal, I mean every once in a while that
Speaker 1: can be a help. Or dropping off some groceries. People
Speaker 1: all so don't want to feel like they are a
Speaker 1: charity case. So figuring out how to help without giving
Speaker 1: money directly or without compromising your own finances directly um
Speaker 1: and not making them feel like charity so so difficult,
Speaker 1: so messy, but can be done. You just have to
Speaker 1: think about the person what they need, um and kind
Speaker 1: of tailor it for that. But I know home cooked
Speaker 1: meals are definitely good. Um. You know, offering up your
Speaker 1: cousin a bag of the clothes that you're getting rid
Speaker 1: of just being like, hey, I didn't want to bring
Speaker 1: this to the thrift store before offering it to someone,
Speaker 1: would you want to look through it? Um? And they
Speaker 1: can say yeah, your name, you know, stuff like that. Yeah.
Speaker 1: And ultimately, if you don't feel good about a situation,
Speaker 1: you don't have to do it. You are not obligated
Speaker 1: to um. Yeah, say yes to everything. As we've mentioned before,
Speaker 1: you can allow peace to guide you in this process.
Speaker 1: What does it feel unsettling? And maybe you can't quite
Speaker 1: put your finger on why this doesn't feel right, that's okay.
Speaker 1: You can press the pause button for now, identify what
Speaker 1: it is that you're experiencing inside yourself, and then decide
Speaker 1: how you want to move forward. Again, going back to
Speaker 1: the this what's my responsibility? What's not my responsibility? Again?
Speaker 1: Pretty simple, but it can help us to have these
Speaker 1: things listed out, And I would encourage anybody to to
Speaker 1: do this process literally on a piece of paper. Have
Speaker 1: two columns that you know, one is my responsibility, what's mine,
Speaker 1: what's not mine? And and it can be as simple
Speaker 1: or as complicated as you want it to be. But
Speaker 1: the simplest forms are my choices, my actions, my behaviors,
Speaker 1: my bills, my you know, keep naming it. Okay, what's
Speaker 1: not mine? Usually it's the exact opposite of what is yours.
Speaker 1: Other people's bills, other people's choices, other people's actions. This
Speaker 1: can be a really helpful visual when we come upon
Speaker 1: these tricky situations to come back to this list and say, Okay,
Speaker 1: where does this fall? Whose is this? And if you
Speaker 1: determine it is not your responsibility, then yes, you can
Speaker 1: just ultimately say no, or you can decide how do
Speaker 1: I want to move forward with something that's not mine
Speaker 1: that doesn't step over somebody else's boundary lines? Is there
Speaker 1: a way I want to come alongside and assist that
Speaker 1: also doesn't cross my boundaries that I can feel comfortable with, um,
Speaker 1: some sort of middle ground, radical middle territory where I
Speaker 1: am owning me and this person is owning them selves
Speaker 1: and yet we are um interconnected in that process. Again,
Speaker 1: aspects of this are going to need some counseling assistance, UM,
Speaker 1: somebody who might be outside of a very complicated situation
Speaker 1: to help you see and think clearly. But at least
Speaker 1: that visual can be a helpful tool to navigate some
Speaker 1: of these tricky things. Absolutely awesome. So we're going to
Speaker 1: transition a little bit. A lot of that can be
Speaker 1: taken into our next phase. But we want to talk
Speaker 1: about boundaries. Financial boundaries with friends because they're they're different
Speaker 1: because it's not so often that your friends will be
Speaker 1: asking you questions as intimate as your family would. But
Speaker 1: there are still boundary financial boundaries that we need to
Speaker 1: set with friends that we don't always think about. So
Speaker 1: our next article is from Work Wealth Um, and it's
Speaker 1: called how to Set Better Money Boundaries, and it's by
Speaker 1: Mary Beth storgea hand. She's a certified financial planner and
Speaker 1: the author of Work Your Wealth so Um. She's a
Speaker 1: brilliant personal in the world of personal finance, and so
Speaker 1: I love how she she kind of defines these financial frenemies.
Speaker 1: Love it. Yes, it's so real and you don't think
Speaker 1: about it until you hear it. It's great to name it.
Speaker 1: And I think a list like this can help us
Speaker 1: to see, Okay, this is what we're talking about. This
Speaker 1: is why I feel uncomfortable in these types of situations. Uh.
Speaker 1: Naming it is the first step always uh and can
Speaker 1: help us in this process. So yeah, i'd I'd love
Speaker 1: to just go through this list of financial frenemies to
Speaker 1: help us get a better handle on what are we
Speaker 1: talking about? Where are the places we might need some
Speaker 1: greater boundaries? Yes, okay, um, I'll name the first three
Speaker 1: and then I'll let you go through the next one's
Speaker 1: but okay, So the first one is the entitled friend
Speaker 1: of me. Um. It's the person that says, can you
Speaker 1: pick up the tap just this one time? The second
Speaker 1: is the budget buster and and she or he would
Speaker 1: say you should buy it, treat yourself. That's the funnest one.
Speaker 1: That's yeah, that's all mine. Um. I have been that friend.
Speaker 1: I have been the budget bester friend. And we've all
Speaker 1: been We've all been somebody on this list, if not
Speaker 1: multiple people on this list. Um. The third is the
Speaker 1: one upper Um, so, oh, you've got a hundred dollar
Speaker 1: gift card as a holiday gift from work. Nice. I
Speaker 1: got a ten tho dollar raised during my annual review
Speaker 1: totally unrelated. That's yeah, I don't even know if that's
Speaker 1: a friend of me. It's good to hear these things
Speaker 1: and you can identify, like, oh no, that's me. You
Speaker 1: can stop that. Yes. Yes. The fourth on the list
Speaker 1: is the priors. They would say something like how much
Speaker 1: do you make? How much did that cost you? I've
Speaker 1: done that, like the cost, how much did that cost?
Speaker 1: The next is the green eyed monster. They would sound
Speaker 1: like this must be nice that you can afford such
Speaker 1: a big house. And the sixth is the fomo front
Speaker 1: of me. You can spend your money just this once,
Speaker 1: usually on an experience or like something you don't want
Speaker 1: to miss out on what they're doing. So we all
Speaker 1: have these friends, and we have all been these friends,
Speaker 1: and they are people trying to You've set a boundary,
Speaker 1: You've set a financial boundary, and this person is trying
Speaker 1: to break that. So you've saved and you budgeted for
Speaker 1: your house. This friend of me is going to try
Speaker 1: and make you feel guilty for spending that. Like you've
Speaker 1: said some things out of your budget, and your friend
Speaker 1: is going to try and be like, oh, just this
Speaker 1: wants do it or you deserve it. So being aware
Speaker 1: of what friends say, and they a lot of times
Speaker 1: are doing it like nicely, like you deserve it, like
Speaker 1: do this by by it. It's on sale, it's such
Speaker 1: a great deal. I told you about it, and they're
Speaker 1: doing it in kindness, but it is a boundary breaker,
Speaker 1: and none of this means, oh, don't hang out with
Speaker 1: that person. And because it is our responsibility to maintain
Speaker 1: our boundaries, it is not somebody else's responsibility, we often
Speaker 1: want to put that over onto other people. Again, that's
Speaker 1: a boundary issue. To expect other people to hold and
Speaker 1: maintain your boundaries is giving over responsibility that ultimately but
Speaker 1: longs to you and so being able to know how
Speaker 1: can I respond in the situation. And again coming back
Speaker 1: to the statement of we train people how to treat us.
Speaker 1: Of course this is barring abusive situations and relationships, but
Speaker 1: in our common everyday relationships are non abusive relationships. We
Speaker 1: train people how to treat us. And so somebody can
Speaker 1: say these things all they want, that is fine. It
Speaker 1: is up to us to identify whether or not it's okay.
Speaker 1: That's another way burn A Brown describes relations or boundaries
Speaker 1: is what's okay and what's not okay? Again, a very
Speaker 1: simple definition for something quite um complicated. Can be quite complicated.
Speaker 1: But it's not a problem that somebody else asks, can
Speaker 1: you pick up the tab just this one time? It
Speaker 1: is a problem if that is a boundary line that
Speaker 1: you're not comfortable with, and then you do it you
Speaker 1: are crossing over your own boundary in that situation. It
Speaker 1: is okay if you are not okay with that to say, actually, no,
Speaker 1: I am comfortable paying for my food. If you can
Speaker 1: pay for your food as well, that's great that that
Speaker 1: is a workable way to cover our dinner expenses tonight,
Speaker 1: of course in your own words. But yes, that feels uncomfortable.
Speaker 1: But my goodness, this person just asked you to pay
Speaker 1: for your for their food. So yeah, yeah, you have
Speaker 1: ownership in this situation with what your decision is. So
Speaker 1: in any of these six examples that were just given
Speaker 1: by this article, there is a way to respond that
Speaker 1: that can maintain relationship if we continue to want relationship
Speaker 1: with that person and sets our boundaries and trains people
Speaker 1: how to treat us. Yeah, if that person is being
Speaker 1: bold and asking you to pay for their dinner, it
Speaker 1: gives you permission to be bold back and say actually,
Speaker 1: I didn't budget for this. You can always blame the budget, right,
Speaker 1: nobody's going to argue with that. Um, sorry, it's I
Speaker 1: didn't budget for this much. I only budgeted for this much. Um.
Speaker 1: We don't even have to be sorry, right, you don't
Speaker 1: have to say no, I always say sorry, even if
Speaker 1: I'm not sorry, you know that's just me. Yeah, Or
Speaker 1: even if they asked to split the check and there's
Speaker 1: was more than you be like, oh no, I really
Speaker 1: prefer separate checks. You don't have to say why. They
Speaker 1: know why. You know why. They got the three drinks
Speaker 1: and you've got the water, so they know why. Yes,
Speaker 1: So I want to go into some strategies for supporting
Speaker 1: friends or family. They give some great ideas on here, Um,
Speaker 1: how we can response. We don't want to just leave
Speaker 1: you with identifying boundary lines, although that is great, but
Speaker 1: what do we do? So? Again, this is a reiteration
Speaker 1: of something we've already talked about, but I think good
Speaker 1: to say again. The first tip that they give is
Speaker 1: to look at the money as a gift, not alone.
Speaker 1: So if you do end up paying for somebody's bill
Speaker 1: or giving money, to be able to give it freely,
Speaker 1: not anticipating anything in return, not anticipating that they are
Speaker 1: going to pay you back. Um, just can I give
Speaker 1: this freely as a gift? And if the answer is yes,
Speaker 1: then great, go ahead and do it because you feel
Speaker 1: free in doing so. Yeah, or even if somebody wants
Speaker 1: you to do an activity with them that you would
Speaker 1: not have. UM. But the activity is like very important
Speaker 1: to them. View you're spending money on that as a
Speaker 1: as a gift, Like, don't hold it against them. But
Speaker 1: also make expectations clear for the future. So it's okay
Speaker 1: if this you know to do it once, even if
Speaker 1: in hindsight you look back and that was a mistake, Like,
Speaker 1: how are you going to know unless she did it. Um,
Speaker 1: you're going with your gut and and you're doing it.
Speaker 1: But make expectations clear for the future if you know
Speaker 1: in the future you will not do that activity or
Speaker 1: spend that money again. Yes, making expectations clear verbalizing it.
Speaker 1: Don't let them think that you will do it again
Speaker 1: or this is a recurring thing. To be unclear is
Speaker 1: to be unkind. So even if it's difficult, UH, do
Speaker 1: the difficult thing and be clear now. Also, UM, like
Speaker 1: our sponsor from this week, when in doubts, say no,
Speaker 1: yeah and then see how you feel. I will say
Speaker 1: one more thing about this article, UM that really like
Speaker 1: hit home. UM. It's the section on set better money
Speaker 1: boundaries with yourself. UM. Because she says setting money boundaries
Speaker 1: with other can be challenging, but setting boundaries with yourself
Speaker 1: can be even more difficult because sometimes for me, I
Speaker 1: am that friend of me. I am the person saying
Speaker 1: I deserve this, um or I am the person feeling
Speaker 1: guilty about how much I spent for something I budgeted for,
Speaker 1: um or you know, saying, oh, I can do it
Speaker 1: just this once and then next month I'll be much better.
Speaker 1: It's it's I am my problem most of the time.
Speaker 1: I am my own friend of me. Yeah. Yeah, So
Speaker 1: learn to train yourself how to treat yourself first, and
Speaker 1: then begin implementing these things with others. Yeah, great tip. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know what else is a great tip? Gosh, it's
Speaker 1: the best tip of the week. It's the week, that's right.
Speaker 1: It's time for the best minute of your entire week.
Speaker 1: Maybe a baby was born and his name is William.
Speaker 1: Maybe you paid off your mortgage. Maybe your car died
Speaker 1: and you're happy to not have to pay that bill anymore.
Speaker 1: Ducks built buffalo bills. Bill Clinton, this is the bill
Speaker 1: of the week, he Adron haytil. This is Ali. I
Speaker 1: wanted to tell you my favorite bill of the week,
Speaker 1: which it's part of mine of my roommates new favorite
Speaker 1: foogal activity, which is going to the park is the
Speaker 1: little duck bills on all the tiny little duck babies
Speaker 1: that we see every time we go. They're adorable and
Speaker 1: they're free to look at and they're so cute. Anyway,
Speaker 1: thanks to guys, that's my bill of the week, as
Speaker 1: it should be. Yes, Alie, I've been waiting for somebody
Speaker 1: to give me that duck bill and up with it
Speaker 1: in such a beautiful, creative ducks little baby duck bills
Speaker 1: on your frugal walk with a friend at the park.
Speaker 1: And if so, you're like cutting down on your rent
Speaker 1: and you guys are still friends coming up with bills
Speaker 1: of the week. Yes, duck bills, baby duck bills, baby
Speaker 1: duck bills, baby buffalo bills, baby baby bills, just baby
Speaker 1: more baby at one point, that's funny. Thank you for
Speaker 1: affirming me. Oh, if you want to submit your bill
Speaker 1: of the week, if it is any kind of baby bill,
Speaker 1: all the better. But you know, anything related to bill
Speaker 1: or bills will do. Go to Frugal Friends podcast dot
Speaker 1: com slash bill. Leave us your bill. We will be entertained,
Speaker 1: overjoyed and take it too far, talk about it and
Speaker 1: laugh about it for far too long. Thank you for
Speaker 1: humoring us. And now it's time for D. So today
Speaker 1: we're talking about our financial boundary stories. And it's not
Speaker 1: all of them. We'll just share just your one big
Speaker 1: one that stands out, UM for me. I could I
Speaker 1: could go on and on about my family emotional financial
Speaker 1: boundaries that I experienced, but UM, I think one that
Speaker 1: might be more relevant and more helpful is UM when
Speaker 1: I was a bridesmaid. Um. One time I was a
Speaker 1: bridesmaid and I was asked to chip in for the
Speaker 1: bridle shower cost. So I I totally understand bachelorette party,
Speaker 1: like you you pay for the bride and you know
Speaker 1: you expect that to be a little bit more, But
Speaker 1: for the bridle shower, I wasn't expecting that. I was
Speaker 1: like this, this is gonna be cheap. We're gonna be
Speaker 1: paying for some food and that's it. And so I
Speaker 1: hear from the maid of honor that my responsibility for
Speaker 1: um the bridle shower is I think it was like
Speaker 1: over a hundred dollars um and and she had like
Speaker 1: six bridesmaids. I remember it being just very outrageous. But
Speaker 1: I only paid a hundred of it. And here's why.
Speaker 1: So I had I'd set a financial boundary, but I
Speaker 1: hadn't been vocal about it. I was paying off debt
Speaker 1: at the time. Um, we'd only been paying off debt
Speaker 1: for a few months. So we were very passionate about it.
Speaker 1: We did not make that a secret. UM. We definitely
Speaker 1: talked about how we were on a budget. We were, um,
Speaker 1: you know, doing things. I made my wedding super inexpensive,
Speaker 1: like as cheap as possible to not put a financial
Speaker 1: burden on my bridesmaids. But I only had three, um,
Speaker 1: and so without being consulted, I just get this quote
Speaker 1: unquote bill from you know, one of my best friends,
Speaker 1: and I was super hurt. So there were two two boundaries.
Speaker 1: Both of us were in the wrong. So I didn't
Speaker 1: make my budget known. And honestly, I didn't have a budget.
Speaker 1: I just assumed that the bridle shower would be not expensive. Um,
Speaker 1: and so hers was. She didn't consult anybody on what
Speaker 1: she was doing. She did whatever she wanted and then
Speaker 1: just gave the bill for it. She had she rented
Speaker 1: out a venue, had professional catering, um, well, you know,
Speaker 1: along with all of the normal things that you do,
Speaker 1: and just expected us all to pay for it. I
Speaker 1: found out years later. Actually I wasn't the only one
Speaker 1: upset about it, and I wasn't the only one that
Speaker 1: said somebody else said that I specifically to be upset
Speaker 1: about it. So it's not that I made It's not
Speaker 1: that I hid that we were on a budget, which
Speaker 1: made me feel a little bit better. But so that
Speaker 1: was actually a point of contention for us for a
Speaker 1: long time, and like we got through it. Um, but
Speaker 1: that was a point I put my foot down and
Speaker 1: I was like, I will only pay this much. It's
Speaker 1: what I had budget it for. I'm sorry if that
Speaker 1: seems rude. Um, but you should have consulted me and
Speaker 1: I could have told you what my budget was and
Speaker 1: maybe you would have, um, you know, gone with something cheaper.
Speaker 1: I don't know. It's different approaches to money that we
Speaker 1: collide with. And I think you you see how others
Speaker 1: approach their own finances when you get into shared experiences
Speaker 1: like that, I think the same can happen when you're
Speaker 1: on vacation with people together or Yeah, weddings are a
Speaker 1: perfect example, all sorts of situations where we can see
Speaker 1: people don't some some people do not think about it.
Speaker 1: They just spend whatever it takes. But then the problem
Speaker 1: is where that's expected of other people, and this is
Speaker 1: a problem on both sides of not communicating those expectations. Ultimately,
Speaker 1: that's what it comes down to, that this person did
Speaker 1: not communicate that this is what they were going to do,
Speaker 1: and you did not have opportunity to commune ak previously
Speaker 1: prior to about that thing, or even necessarily have the
Speaker 1: forethought that this is something I could run into in
Speaker 1: this situation. But now you know, and I am sure
Speaker 1: that in other situations where weddings have happened that now
Speaker 1: you've had this experience to speak from and say, Okay,
Speaker 1: how are we handling finances? It's uncomfortable, but it takes
Speaker 1: the guesswork out of it to say, how is bridal
Speaker 1: shower being paid for? How is bachelorrette being paid for?
Speaker 1: How is what kinds of dresses are we going for?
Speaker 1: What can we anticipate costs are going to be for
Speaker 1: all of us? And what are we comfortable with? Yeah?
Speaker 1: It definitely. UM now I'm currently a bridesmaid right now.
Speaker 1: UM has made me cognizant of being vocal and honest
Speaker 1: and um not just like playing into just because everybody
Speaker 1: else is doing it. I have to spend money on it,
Speaker 1: stuff like that. So that's my story, just sticking to it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I've got a couple of examples. I don't only want
Speaker 1: to talk about the areas that I crush it, so
Speaker 1: I'll start here. I will say that this is it
Speaker 1: is and continues to be a learning experience for me
Speaker 1: of where are my boundary lines? They are different probably
Speaker 1: than yours, gen or from anybody else that I could
Speaker 1: pass on the street, and and that's okay that we're
Speaker 1: all going to have different boundaries, but we need to
Speaker 1: know where ours are. And I would say that when
Speaker 1: I was young twenties, I didn't know this concept and
Speaker 1: had a lot of faux pause as a result of this. UM.
Speaker 1: One particular thing comes to mind that I had a
Speaker 1: friend UM who was moving and you know, to be helpful,
Speaker 1: I was like, Hey, what how can I help? I'm
Speaker 1: headed over there now, UM, what what do you need
Speaker 1: for me? And they say, oh, actually that's great. Uh,
Speaker 1: we're up to our knees, you know, moving boxes. Would
Speaker 1: you be able to pick up pizzas for everybody? And
Speaker 1: so on the fly, I did that, picked up a
Speaker 1: ton of pizzas. At the time. I was very broke,
Speaker 1: like beyond broke. UM did not have a high paying
Speaker 1: job and had a lot of student loans. Uh. And
Speaker 1: I picked up all the pizzas expecting and anticipating that
Speaker 1: my friend who was moving would pay me for those things.
Speaker 1: But I never asked, and she no malicious intent at
Speaker 1: all or probably even thinking about it. I think she
Speaker 1: was so caught up in the move itself that I
Speaker 1: never got reimbursed for those pizzas. I probably spent close to,
Speaker 1: if not more than, a hundred dollars feeding everybody who
Speaker 1: was helping this person move. They're moving day. Yeah, A
Speaker 1: tricky one for sure, but could have been remedied by
Speaker 1: me just speaking my needs. UM either being okay with okay,
Speaker 1: this is just a cost that I am willing to anchor,
Speaker 1: or I can't afford this and I need to actually
Speaker 1: just ask for this money. I did not. I did not.
Speaker 1: I just didn't have it in me at the time
Speaker 1: to have asked. I wish I would have, UM now
Speaker 1: and you don't even have to ask you just exactly.
Speaker 1: But I think what I take from that is, I mean,
Speaker 1: first of all, okay, I'm not hurting from that money
Speaker 1: to this day, but it did show me I can't
Speaker 1: put that responsibility on other people. Ultimately, that's not her
Speaker 1: fault that she did not pay me. I didn't ask,
Speaker 1: I didn't speak my needs um and and I'm the
Speaker 1: one who offered, what do you need? And so maybe
Speaker 1: being a little bit more specific about what I'm able
Speaker 1: to do is in if I could have anticipated, hey,
Speaker 1: do you need me to pick up some pizzas? And
Speaker 1: then you can just pay me when I get there,
Speaker 1: right like, even that in a simple text ahead of
Speaker 1: time could have been what would have been helpful in
Speaker 1: the moment. So anyhow, I've learned from that. My takeaway
Speaker 1: now is to communicate my expectations and my needs if possible,
Speaker 1: ahead of time. So an example of how I do
Speaker 1: this currently or how how I have done this in
Speaker 1: more recent years. You've probably heard, if you've been listening
Speaker 1: to this podcast for a while, that Eric and I
Speaker 1: have a shared family boat with his parents. We no
Speaker 1: longer get to enjoy it because we live in Florida
Speaker 1: and the boat is still back up in pa. Anyhow,
Speaker 1: we will often have weekends where we get to take
Speaker 1: the boat out and we invite a lot of friends.
Speaker 1: There was a time when we wouldn't say anything about it.
Speaker 1: We would just take friends out. But then come to realize, oof,
Speaker 1: we provided snacks we paid, or the gas we paid
Speaker 1: to tow the thing. Maybe there was a cost to
Speaker 1: drop the boat into the water. It easily could is
Speaker 1: about a hundred dollars when it comes to food, gas,
Speaker 1: all these things to take the boat out for a day.
Speaker 1: And there would be times where I experienced bitterness inside
Speaker 1: myself because of that. But I realized if I speak
Speaker 1: my needs ahead of time, most likely people are not
Speaker 1: going to have a problem chipping in. So we would
Speaker 1: send out with the invite text, hey, bring your own
Speaker 1: snacks and five bucks a person to chip in for gas.
Speaker 1: Everybody was thrilled with it. We get to go out
Speaker 1: on a boat, and I was able to speak my
Speaker 1: needs and not have my own boundaries crossed. It was
Speaker 1: a fantastic compromise just because I was able to speak
Speaker 1: up for myself and communicate ahead of time. Is much
Speaker 1: easier to ask for these things ahead of time than afterwards,
Speaker 1: like oh, hey, that was actually twenty bucks. Similar to
Speaker 1: what you're describing, Jen, that feels unfair. It's like, well,
Speaker 1: you didn't tell me that I would have probably made
Speaker 1: a different decision if you had spoken that ahead of time.
Speaker 1: You kind of chose for me that now I owe
Speaker 1: you this amount of money. So uh yeah, again, there
Speaker 1: are land mines all over this. It's okay to mess up.
Speaker 1: But let's learn from these things. Let's speak our needs,
Speaker 1: let's communicate expectations, Let's identify where our boundary lines fall,
Speaker 1: and be kinder to ourselves and ultimately kinder to other
Speaker 1: people as a result. Absolutely, be clear and be kind.
Speaker 1: So thanks so much for listening. We want to thank
Speaker 1: you for your kind reviews on iTunes and Stitcher, like
Speaker 1: this one from Sea Why Burbs, a new tool in
Speaker 1: my tool belt just happens to be five stars. These
Speaker 1: ladies are authentic, entertaining, and knowledgeable. They inspired me to
Speaker 1: make my first budget and feel confident on deciding on
Speaker 1: a four oh one k account. Awesome. I feel most
Speaker 1: millennials my age don't know what they're doing when it
Speaker 1: comes to money and financial planning. I will not be
Speaker 1: one of them because of this podcast. I truly appreciate
Speaker 1: that they touch on how frugality affects the environment and
Speaker 1: topics of self care. Mm hmmm, why verbs, But we're
Speaker 1: getting such kind of genuine reviews I'm here for and
Speaker 1: you know, keep leaving them because we thank you our
Speaker 1: listeners and friends who share these episodes on social media.
Speaker 1: When you share the latest episode on Facebook or Instagram,
Speaker 1: we add you to our monthly drawing. For every five
Speaker 1: tags and reviews like the one Jen just read we get,
Speaker 1: we give away each month one copy of the Frugal
Speaker 1: Friends workbook. So one copy of the workbook for every
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Speaker 1: to Frugal Friends podcast at gmail dot com. Um and
Speaker 1: when you tag us at Frugal Friends podcast on social
Speaker 1: we will see that. See you next week. I Frugal
Speaker 1: Friends is produced, edited and mixed by Eric Serria. Mm hmmmm,
Speaker 1: so much freedom with boundaries. I know. It's like the
Speaker 1: budget is a boundary for your money, and like boundary
Speaker 1: boundaries are freedom for your mental headspace. So true. I
Speaker 1: feel like it's one of the reasons that I feel
Speaker 1: such a friend, deeper friendship and connection with you too,
Speaker 1: because I think with any friendship, finances are a part
Speaker 1: of it and the fact and and a difficult thing
Speaker 1: to talk about. But because you and I talk about
Speaker 1: finances weekly together, I feel like we understand each other
Speaker 1: more and are willing to get into that territory in
Speaker 1: a way that's like, not offensive and gives greater freedom
Speaker 1: in the friendship. Yeah. Can I have five dollars? Nope?
Speaker 1: Back to our sponsor. Yeah, okay, Bye,