Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: Okay, let's kick things off with Donald Trump.
Speaker 3: That's right.
Speaker 2: The man so bad at sex he pays people not
Speaker 2: to talk about it. Yep, we're still all waiting for
Speaker 2: the cops to arrest him for lying about his affair
Speaker 2: with a porn start. But until then, he's continuing his
Speaker 2: presidential campaign and staying focused on the important issues like
Speaker 2: lying about his affair with a porn start.
Speaker 1: Former President Trump used his first official campaign rally in Waco,
Speaker 1: Texas to denounce the legal threats against him.
Speaker 3: People see it's bullshit, and they go and they say
Speaker 3: it's unfair. The District Attorney of New York, under the
Speaker 3: auspices and direction of the Department of Injustice in Washington, DC,
Speaker 3: was investigating me for something that is not a crime.
Speaker 3: To mean, not an affair. I never liked horse face.
Speaker 1: I never liked I know, it's just not it's.
Speaker 3: A terrible thing. That wouldn't be the one. There is
Speaker 3: no one. We have a great first lady.
Speaker 2: Wow, wow, nice say bro. You could actually see his
Speaker 2: brain try to turn the car around and his mouth
Speaker 2: was driving. I didn't have an affair, and I'm never
Speaker 2: had an affair. And I'm actually I actually never had sex.
Speaker 2: Did you know that? I'm a virgin and the best
Speaker 2: and biggest virgin ever. By the way, I do the
Speaker 2: worst Trump impersonation ever. I shuck at doing Trump.
Speaker 4: But yeah.
Speaker 2: Over the weekend, Trump kicked off his twenty twenty four
Speaker 2: campaign in Waco, Texas. I love that Trump's running for
Speaker 2: office and from the law at the same time. How
Speaker 2: great is that he's going to be the first presidential
Speaker 2: candidate who's going to be giving speeches from his getaway car.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, my fellow Americans, we've got a lower in fleshed.
Speaker 2: We got to get a handle on China.
Speaker 5: The most approbing you have to crack down a crime.
Speaker 5: You'll never take me alive your pigs.
Speaker 2: Well, I think my Trump impersonation is getting better, don't you.
Speaker 6: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Just being nice?
Speaker 5: I know, I love you.
Speaker 2: You know. We've had such a heavy week of news,
Speaker 2: so I thought, you know, we'd wrap up things this
Speaker 2: week with some lighthearted news that's really going to put
Speaker 2: a smile on your face.
Speaker 4: We're interrupting this package right now because we have some
Speaker 4: breaking news, and it is historic news out of lowermanhand
Speaker 4: right now, in federal jury a Granduate has voted to
Speaker 4: indict former President Trump, the first time ever that a
Speaker 4: former president has been criminally trying.
Speaker 2: That's right, I've lost my tray. Yeah, that's right, that's right.
Speaker 2: That's right. Lady Justice grabbed Trump by the pussy. You know,
Speaker 2: I take a firm stance against mass incarceration. Okay, but
Speaker 2: for this, I'm willing to make an exception. I just
Speaker 2: hope they take it easy on him and put him
Speaker 2: at least in a cell with his lawyer. But hey,
Speaker 2: let there be a lesson to all your kids out there.
Speaker 5: Okay, if you.
Speaker 2: Commit fraud to cover up an affair with a porn star,
Speaker 2: the law will catch up to you after like seven
Speaker 2: years and in a full term as president. Now, I
Speaker 2: know we're all oping to see him put in handcuffs,
Speaker 2: but we don't know how it's all going to go down.
Speaker 2: The report is that they're going to try to negotiate
Speaker 2: his surrender. Either that or the lead a trail of
Speaker 2: Big Max leading to the prison. And you know, a
Speaker 2: lot of pundits like Lindsey Graham are saying this is
Speaker 2: going to be good for Trump. But mother, why don't
Speaker 2: you get arrested and see if it's.
Speaker 5: Good for you.
Speaker 3: Shit anyway.
Speaker 1: We don't know.
Speaker 2: When this will actually arrest him or how it's going
Speaker 2: to pan out, but hey, maybe going to prison might
Speaker 2: be good for Trump, maybe what he needs, because at
Speaker 2: least in prison, he'll be able to pursue his greatest passions, reading,
Speaker 2: working out, and converting to Islam.
Speaker 1: Let's move on to the real championship game, State of
Speaker 1: New York versus Donald J. Trump All trumpet oh old Trump.
Speaker 1: It was indicted last week for paying a porn star
Speaker 1: hush money. You know, Trump gotta be mad he paid
Speaker 1: all that hush money. Didn't nobody hush?
Speaker 5: It's messed up.
Speaker 1: It's in the word hush sh But no affair, no
Speaker 1: affair has been less hushed than this one. Everybody know
Speaker 1: about this damn affair. That's uncontacted. Tribes in the Amazon
Speaker 1: who know that Trump bone Stormy Daniels. I do not
Speaker 1: know where the plane is, but I do know that
Speaker 1: Stormy Daniels paint Trump with a magazine. Now excuse me
Speaker 1: said Now look now, if you notice I did not
Speaker 1: do a native accent. I'm not trying to get canceled
Speaker 1: on my first stick. I am holding a spear, my bag,
Speaker 1: but I didn't do no accent. The point is Trump
Speaker 1: has been indicted and tomorrow the circus is coming to town.
Speaker 7: New York City this morning, preparing to become the setting
Speaker 7: for an unprecedented legal and political drama as Donald Trump
Speaker 7: returns to face the criminal charges against him. Mister Trump
Speaker 7: expected to face some thirty separate charges that first ever
Speaker 7: filed against a former president in an indictment handed up
Speaker 7: last Thursday, still secret and under seal until his arraignment.
Speaker 7: Mister Trump's arraignment Tuesday will include being processed at the courthouse,
Speaker 7: with fingerprints and a DNA sample expected to be taken
Speaker 7: as well, but he likely won't be handcuffed and Secret
Speaker 7: Service agents will protect him at every turn.
Speaker 1: That's right, Trump's gotta provide a DNA sample, which, if
Speaker 1: you think about it, that's kind of how he got
Speaker 1: in this mess in the first place. Upside with Trump's DNA,
Speaker 1: The upside with Trump's DNA not an NYPD could probably
Speaker 1: solve a bunch of cold cases from the naviies. Why
Speaker 1: are they arraigning him like he's annoy normal person? Hein't
Speaker 1: a normal person. Trump and a normal person. Normal people
Speaker 1: don't bring the Secret Service to get arrested, and to
Speaker 1: be honest, I kind of feel sorry for the Secret
Speaker 1: Service agents. How you get assigned to a former president.
Speaker 1: You're supposed to be going to baseball games and windsurfing.
Speaker 1: You get a signed to Trump. You gotta go to rackers.
Speaker 1: You gotta take a shank for this man. You gotta
Speaker 1: taste test of toilet wine, make sure they poisoned. You
Speaker 1: gotta dig the escape tunnel, then duck the dirt in
Speaker 1: a softball field. I'll never forget the day Donald Trump
Speaker 1: showed up on the guy with Secret Service agents. He
Speaker 1: thought I was Ben Casson, But Morgan Freeman's terrible. I
Speaker 1: gotta work under. But it's not all bad for Trump.
Speaker 1: According to reports, he's already raised five million dollars since
Speaker 1: the news dropped on Thursday. Five five million dollars. This
Speaker 1: man is balling five million dollars. Do you know how
Speaker 1: many cigarettes that'll get you in prison? Honestly, this might
Speaker 1: be teaching this man the wrong lesson. Trump gonna start
Speaker 1: telling people to snitch on him for other crimes he did,
Speaker 1: just so he can get that bag too. Trump would
Speaker 1: be the first man in history to pay unhush money well,
Speaker 1: going to jail might be the new way to fundraise
Speaker 1: if you're a politician. Hillary probably sitting around like hell,
Speaker 1: five million dollar shit, maybe they should have locked me up.
Speaker 1: So we're here in New York City, and today was
Speaker 1: one for the history books because when today begain, we
Speaker 1: were preparing for the craziest day in New York since
Speaker 1: the stay Puffed Marshmallow Man came to town and busted
Speaker 1: a nut on the whole city that wasn't Marshmallow's. But
Speaker 1: today was even crazier because today was Trump arraignment day,
Speaker 1: taking the news in.
Speaker 6: A remarkable chapter of American history, for the first time,
Speaker 6: a former president faced a judge in a criminal courtroom
Speaker 6: on charges he broke the law. And it happened right
Speaker 6: here in New York City.
Speaker 7: Former President Trump pleads not guilty to thirty four counts
Speaker 7: of falsifying business records related to hush money payments. The
Speaker 7: photograph is stark and historic as we look at it.
Speaker 6: Donald Trump, that's a man who looks like a defendant,
Speaker 6: you know, the former president.
Speaker 2: I've seen that face not many times.
Speaker 6: He's he looks somber.
Speaker 5: Look at you, Look at your ass.
Speaker 1: Now got yours.
Speaker 5: Tough?
Speaker 1: You spent all that money talking shit about the judge
Speaker 1: and talked about the d a L. I'm a march
Speaker 1: in the courtroom and I'm a dumb shit yours sun.
Speaker 1: Look at how sad Trump looks. My man look like
Speaker 1: somebody told him his dog dot Mike Pence is still alive.
Speaker 1: And you can talk all the shit you want, but
Speaker 1: I'm telling your baby, the moment you in that courtroom,
Speaker 1: that shit get real. Trump's sitting there, Trump saitting there like, Wow,
Speaker 1: y'all really gonna do this to man? And he alone.
Speaker 1: Ain't none of your boys around no more. You gave
Speaker 1: them all pardons and everybody. No, you don't pardon all
Speaker 1: your partners. You gotta leave one in jails. He has
Speaker 1: somebody to talk to. And on top of all that,
Speaker 1: this this is how I know Trump did something. I
Speaker 1: don't know what he gives here, but he did something.
Speaker 1: To Look at that outfit first day of court here
Speaker 1: in a suit that don't even fit. Why would you
Speaker 1: do that? Gwyneth Paltrow showed you the cheat cold boy.
Speaker 1: You got to dress like you don't give them. You
Speaker 1: got to dress for court like you on your way
Speaker 1: to somewhere else. Look at Gwyneth Paltrow, you can't convict me.
Speaker 1: These glasses are caught yours, Gordie, Is that how you
Speaker 1: say it? I don't know. I can't afford nice glasses. So,
Speaker 1: as you can imagine, it was a crazy day in
Speaker 1: New York and the city was ready for anything. Barricades
Speaker 1: were laid out, every police officer was on duty. Even
Speaker 1: Mayor Eric Adams said he might not go to the
Speaker 1: club tonight just in case y'all need him, because you
Speaker 1: know he'd be in the club. He got to keep
Speaker 1: the phone on vibrating, but call him twice so you
Speaker 1: know it's an emergency, and the cops. I'll get the NYPD.
Speaker 1: The NYPD this, They were right to set up all
Speaker 1: the barricades. Trump supporters swarmed downtown Manhattan and filled the
Speaker 1: streets with red, white, and blue. It was like a
Speaker 1: Puerto Rican Day parade for people who want to deport
Speaker 1: Puerto Ricans. And to the police's credit, to the police's credit,
Speaker 1: to that credit, they handled it perfectly. They kept everybody
Speaker 1: on both sides, far enough apart so nobody got hurt,
Speaker 1: but close enough so they could still roast the shit
Speaker 1: out of each other. Ah yes, ah yes, the classics.
Speaker 1: Do nothing win an argument faster than a your mama.
Speaker 1: It hit like I said, It was like your mama,
Speaker 1: you lose no matter what you said. Donald Trump was
Speaker 1: a political prisoner, unfairly talking about the criminal justices. Your mama, bitch,
Speaker 1: That's how it hit you. You bleed out. Let's move on
Speaker 1: to the big story, the arrest of Donald J. Trump.
Speaker 1: Oh you heard about it. Y'all heard about it, Okay.
Speaker 1: I thought it was just a little under you know,
Speaker 1: little Yesterday was a momentous day for Donald J. Trump.
Speaker 1: He was indicted for thirty four counts of falsifying business
Speaker 1: records and also one count of clogg in the courthouse toilet.
Speaker 1: They added that one at the last minute. So old Trump.
Speaker 1: He went down to the courthouse, looked around stupid for
Speaker 1: a couple of minutes, and then fled on his private
Speaker 1: jet to Florida because, as you all know, Florida does
Speaker 1: not have an extradition treaty with the United States. He
Speaker 1: rolled up tomorrow Lago and then he waved to his
Speaker 1: support US and then offered to put a stump up.
Speaker 5: They butt.
Speaker 1: Exapt. What is this? Seriously? Who adds motion to a
Speaker 1: thumbs up? It's simple, like the elbow. Trump got to
Speaker 1: be the first person to add the jerk off motion
Speaker 1: to a thumbs up. Thanks so much for coming out.
Speaker 1: I really appreciate it. Oh so, then after all of that,
Speaker 1: it was time for Trump to give his big speech
Speaker 1: and sidebar. Why people still going to Trump's speeches like,
Speaker 1: I get it, I get it, that's show dude. But
Speaker 1: you know what he gonna say. He said, Donald Trump
Speaker 1: is a comedian that ain't changed his act in years.
Speaker 5: You know what he gonna do.
Speaker 1: Liberal media be doing this, and.
Speaker 5: Joe Biden, Joe Biden, and then they be doing this.
Speaker 5: You're the right line, Come on, not DJ kickt.
Speaker 1: The only the only thing, the only thing that changes
Speaker 1: year to year with Trump is who his enemy is.
Speaker 1: And for this fight, he's got two new ones.
Speaker 6: In a defiant speech at mar A Lango, the former
Speaker 6: president claimed he's a victim and targeted the prosecutor and
Speaker 6: judge in the case.
Speaker 3: They can't beat us at the ballot box, so they
Speaker 3: try and beat us through the law. The criminal is
Speaker 3: the district attorney. Why have a Trump hating judge with
Speaker 3: the t Trump hating wife and family?
Speaker 6: Who who you know?
Speaker 5: Go to trial? And talk shit about the judge. That's bold.
Speaker 5: The judge could destroy you. He could destroy you. And
Speaker 5: you rolling them up. You about to fight cocaine bad.
Speaker 5: You don't offer him crack first. And he didn't just
Speaker 5: call out the judge. Trump called out the kids. You
Speaker 5: don't pull the kids.
Speaker 1: And the even rappers don't go after the kids, and
Speaker 1: they murder each other. And and Trump said, the man
Speaker 1: has a Trump hating wife. But to be fair, to
Speaker 1: be fair, I don't even know if that was an
Speaker 1: insult because Donald Trump also has a.
Speaker 5: Trump hating wife.
Speaker 1: You know, you can't tell me, Millennia don't hate that man.
Speaker 1: If anything, this week was confirmation if y'all think, let
Speaker 1: me ask you this sent During Donald Trump's forty five
Speaker 1: minutes as a political prisoner, where.
Speaker 5: Was his wife?
Speaker 1: So many people noticed the former First Lady, the former
Speaker 1: president's wife, Belania Trump, was not in attendance last night.
Speaker 5: His wife, former First Lady Melania Trump, she was not there.
Speaker 6: Among the guests were ardent Trump supporters, including Congresswoman Marjorie
Speaker 6: Taylor Green and the My Pillow founder Mike Lindell. One
Speaker 6: person noticeably absent last night was former First Lady Milania Trump.
Speaker 1: Even the pillow salesman showed up for the speech, but
Speaker 1: his own wife didn't show up. And the speech was
Speaker 1: at the house, Blaniga didn't even come downstairs. She opened
Speaker 1: up the bedroom door. Oh you're back from prison already.
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Speaker 5: This has been a Comedy Central podcast now