WEBVTT - High Five for the Heart

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<v Speaker 1>Swine Down with Janet Kramer and I heard radio podcast.

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<v Speaker 1>I got pulled over this morning and I was having

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<v Speaker 1>a little bit of the morning. I was that time

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<v Speaker 1>of the month. Okay, you know, so like you're already

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<v Speaker 1>like do you get on edge? Yeah? I get on

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<v Speaker 1>edge like a couple of days before, and so then

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<v Speaker 1>I know it's coming. But then I don't like to

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<v Speaker 1>like anyone to know that I'm then on my period

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<v Speaker 1>because then oh, that that's why he were such a

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<v Speaker 1>bit three days ago. Do you know how many times

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<v Speaker 1>in my marriage that I actually would roll up the

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<v Speaker 1>stuff and literally put it in a bin in my

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<v Speaker 1>cupboard so that he wouldn't see it in the trash,

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<v Speaker 1>far so that he wouldn't blame my rational behavior, because

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<v Speaker 1>that's the worst the word for them to be like, oh,

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<v Speaker 1>that's why you're I'm like, no, that's not why, because

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<v Speaker 1>you did this as why Granted I'm I'm a little

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<v Speaker 1>more represensitive, yeah for sure, but like that's when they

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<v Speaker 1>call that out. Why did they do that? Because their men?

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<v Speaker 1>That's a good enough reason. It's just annoying, But I

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<v Speaker 1>don't know why I'm trying to hide it now, Like

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not nobody to hide it from. But I think

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<v Speaker 1>it was just I was rushing. I was I wasn't

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<v Speaker 1>supposed to have the kids had a little change in

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<v Speaker 1>the schedule, so I was trying to figure stuff out.

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<v Speaker 1>Luckily the preschool have let us back in. I got

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<v Speaker 1>an email that the preschool will allow goodness, so I

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<v Speaker 1>think I'm gonna bring flowers. Did she for She's like, well,

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<v Speaker 1>we'll allow it. She basically was like, it's fine if

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<v Speaker 1>you want to bring him back in Tuesday Thursdays. I

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<v Speaker 1>was like, wonderful, thank you so much, have a have

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<v Speaker 1>a blessed day, flowers whatever. I'll figure it out. But

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<v Speaker 1>and then also, I know we gotta start thinking about

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<v Speaker 1>menopause already my mom went through. I'm gonna be thirty eight.

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<v Speaker 1>I wouldn't mind menopause. Why why don't want my period anymore? Yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>but like there's like so many other issues that go

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<v Speaker 1>along with it. I'm gonna get to when I get

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<v Speaker 1>pulled over apart. But the whole point was, I was

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<v Speaker 1>just like feeling crampy, and I feel like I feel

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<v Speaker 1>like I'm pre menopausal because my periods or having said that,

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<v Speaker 1>I think it's just because I had kids. And it's

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<v Speaker 1>changed my period. And then that vaccine changed my period.

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<v Speaker 1>So that's just been like annoying because it's been all

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<v Speaker 1>over the freaking place. But um, I just felt like hot,

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<v Speaker 1>and I'm like they were going through menopause. So I

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<v Speaker 1>was like texting my mom asking her, like what were

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<v Speaker 1>her pre menopausal symptoms, because I just because my periods

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<v Speaker 1>have just been so weird. So like, into my car,

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<v Speaker 1>I had to change around the schedule to get the kids,

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<v Speaker 1>and I'm on my phone texting my mom about menopause.

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<v Speaker 1>And then like then, I'm like I'm old and I'm

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<v Speaker 1>washed up. I see this cop right in front of

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<v Speaker 1>me and I don't even stop, like there was a

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<v Speaker 1>stop sign, and I just like rolled right through it.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm on my phone, but it was like I saw

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<v Speaker 1>him after I rolled through it. You know. It was

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<v Speaker 1>like one of those where it's like I thought, I

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<v Speaker 1>thought you just rolled No. No, I like went right

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<v Speaker 1>through it. Okay, I'm just trying to help you out. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>because I was talking about menopause to my mom because

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<v Speaker 1>I was like massively on my period and freaking out

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<v Speaker 1>and it was weird. And so then he started following

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<v Speaker 1>me and I was like, I might as well just

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<v Speaker 1>put my linker on and just I'm just literally and

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<v Speaker 1>I pretty much did. Like at the same I saw

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<v Speaker 1>that there was a subdivision coming up, so I was like,

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<v Speaker 1>he's gonna pull me over. I feel it like he's

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<v Speaker 1>right on my tail. He's looking up my license plate

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<v Speaker 1>right now, see if I'm a felon. And then in

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<v Speaker 1>my head this is I'm like, what do I do?

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<v Speaker 1>Do I play the menopause card? I just wanted and

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<v Speaker 1>I was like, I'm only thirty eight years old, actual

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<v Speaker 1>idea or I'm bleeding and so I don't know or um.

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<v Speaker 1>So this all went through my head and then I

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<v Speaker 1>was like I don't even know wh my registration card

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<v Speaker 1>is or like I have no like all and I'm like, well,

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<v Speaker 1>I don't have cream around my thing, and it's like,

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<v Speaker 1>what is it going to show up cream around there?

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<v Speaker 1>Because my license anyways, So then about the same time

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<v Speaker 1>I put my blinker on, the lights go on and

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<v Speaker 1>I'm like, oh, there of ever. So I pulled into

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<v Speaker 1>this neighborhood pre menopausal and just bleeding just defeated. I

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<v Speaker 1>rolled on my window and I was like, I know

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<v Speaker 1>I was on my phone and I rolled through it.

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<v Speaker 1>You can just give me a ticket, and he kind

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<v Speaker 1>of like laughed, and I was like, I'm sorry, like

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<v Speaker 1>and normally and I just I was texting a friend

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<v Speaker 1>and I was like, I just got pulled over. And

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<v Speaker 1>he was like, are you apologizing profusely and just being

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<v Speaker 1>so nice? And I was like, actually no, I was like,

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<v Speaker 1>I did it. Arrest me, officer like just handcuffs. No,

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<v Speaker 1>arrest me to take me to jail, give me deal

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<v Speaker 1>with the rest. Take me to jail. You think that

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<v Speaker 1>might be kind. I'm the thing of my kids. Figure

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<v Speaker 1>it out, you know what, you figure out my life

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<v Speaker 1>for me. It's fine, but can I have a tampon? Please?

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<v Speaker 1>It's not going to be pretty in jail. But he

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<v Speaker 1>kind of like laughed at me because I don't think

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<v Speaker 1>he was expecting me to be like, yeah, no, I know.

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<v Speaker 1>I was totally on my phone and I I went

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<v Speaker 1>through the thing, and you can give me a ticket.

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<v Speaker 1>It's fine. I don't know where my registration is, give

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<v Speaker 1>me a second. And he kind of laughing, kind of chuckled,

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<v Speaker 1>and he was he was like an older he's probably

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<v Speaker 1>in his fifties. He probably has a menopausal wife. Prob

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<v Speaker 1>he recognized the scientists. I'm gonna let this one goal.

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<v Speaker 1>He did. You can see like the sweat he knows,

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<v Speaker 1>like I'm having a hot flash, sir, please just let me.

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<v Speaker 1>He's so he came back and he was like, and

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<v Speaker 1>I know, put the phone down and stop, and he

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<v Speaker 1>goes pretty much, Oh go, You're awesome, dude. That's funny.

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<v Speaker 1>And then I called you because you were texting me,

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<v Speaker 1>So do your symptoms fall in line with pre menopause

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<v Speaker 1>changes in period? Me? My mom she was thirty four

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<v Speaker 1>and she went to the doctors because she thought she

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<v Speaker 1>was having another baby. But like, how do how how

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<v Speaker 1>would I date pre menopausele pre menopause or boast? I

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<v Speaker 1>mean all the above, Like can you imagine being like, Hi,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm in menopause, I'm super sexy. Let's start there. I

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<v Speaker 1>don't think it would be any different. No, I just

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<v Speaker 1>heard that, like megmenopause scares me, and like the fact

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<v Speaker 1>that we've even are getting onto that level. It's usually

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<v Speaker 1>like fifty though, right. Do you know what my doctor

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<v Speaker 1>asked me the other day. We were talking about like

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<v Speaker 1>mammograms and colon stuff, colot whatever, and I'm like he's like,

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<v Speaker 1>we gotta start thinking about that. He's like, but that's

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<v Speaker 1>like in your fifties, and I was like, oh my god,

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<v Speaker 1>that's like twelve years away. Well you started mammograms at forty.

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<v Speaker 1>I know that because you're I just started. Just did

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<v Speaker 1>my first one. Did they smash your booby? Yeah? Plant pops?

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<v Speaker 1>Can it pop? It won't pop, but I mean it

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<v Speaker 1>might feel like it's kind of stop. Yeah, that's fine.

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<v Speaker 1>I love doing it. Why did I am like give

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<v Speaker 1>me all the preventative crap, like test me for everything?

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<v Speaker 1>I want test for everything, and they won't do it.

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<v Speaker 1>Probably because of like radiation, Well yeah, probably, I know.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know. You like, I don't want cancer, so

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<v Speaker 1>radiate me to like show me that I don't give me. Um, yeah, no,

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know. I've always just like, wasn't your mom

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<v Speaker 1>kind of I mean, I don't know. I don't remember

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<v Speaker 1>with my mom going through I'm just gonna need to

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<v Speaker 1>start doing research. I think the heart flashes and stuff

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<v Speaker 1>like that, and then obviously like, I mean, yes, there's

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<v Speaker 1>a lot of negatives to it. But honestly, though a

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<v Speaker 1>hot flash sounds great, I'm always freezing. Yes, we can

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<v Speaker 1>turn the air down in your house. Is it really

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<v Speaker 1>that bad? I mean it's okay right now, but it's

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<v Speaker 1>usually about sevent and it's roasting. I like a warmhouse.

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<v Speaker 1>What can I say, warm heart, a warmhouse, warm heart.

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<v Speaker 1>M I don't think that works. No, you know, I excape. Thanks. Um,

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<v Speaker 1>so there was that. That was my morning and UM

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<v Speaker 1>really excited to get Jace back into school. That's going

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<v Speaker 1>to be good. He's Um, what age do you think

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<v Speaker 1>you should bring a kid to therapy? Oh that's a

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<v Speaker 1>good question. I could see myself putting my twelve year

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<v Speaker 1>old in therapy. I think it depends. I think it

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<v Speaker 1>depends on trauma. I think it depends. He seems a little.

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<v Speaker 1>I know he's having a hard time. That seems a little.

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<v Speaker 1>I feel like at this age it would just be someone.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know how how that would work at this stage. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm trying to figure out what's transition and what's divorced

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<v Speaker 1>with him so hard with his age. Yeah. The only

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<v Speaker 1>time I ever get angry at my ex now is

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<v Speaker 1>when the kid screams for him. It was Jason, when

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<v Speaker 1>Jay screams for him because I'm like, I don't want

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<v Speaker 1>look he's upset like that breaks my heart because you know,

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<v Speaker 1>my kids are like triggers life. Yeah, so I'm like, God,

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<v Speaker 1>I hate you for doing this. Um. That was not

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<v Speaker 1>nice to say, though, I mean, I think it's only

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<v Speaker 1>human and I think he would understand that. Um. But

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<v Speaker 1>I also think that as he gets older, I mean,

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<v Speaker 1>he's still young, He's not going to keep screaming for

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<v Speaker 1>his dad. I wouldn't think as he gets older. You know,

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<v Speaker 1>it worries me too, is other kids, Like what if

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<v Speaker 1>I start hanging out with some of that has kids,

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<v Speaker 1>That'll be interesting because like the kids would be attached.

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<v Speaker 1>It's like when do you introduce the kids at the kid?

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<v Speaker 1>That is a big Yeah. I would wait a while

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<v Speaker 1>because like I mean, of course I would get attached

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<v Speaker 1>to the kids, but like my kids would get attached

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<v Speaker 1>to the kids. And I saw like my brother's divorce

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<v Speaker 1>and play out secondhand with that because it's like they

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<v Speaker 1>were all and then it's just then they don't see

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<v Speaker 1>the kids anymore. It's like, well, how unfair is that

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<v Speaker 1>for the kids? I think unless you're able to be

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<v Speaker 1>like absolute adults about it and allow them to still

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<v Speaker 1>have a relationship. And I feel like I know somebody

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<v Speaker 1>in that situation, um where they just you know, they

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<v Speaker 1>were like brothers and sisters for a while, so you

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<v Speaker 1>kind of have to allow them to still have that

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<v Speaker 1>relationship if you introduce it. If I would never force it,

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<v Speaker 1>but if it's something they wanted, because you're ripping something

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<v Speaker 1>from them, you know. I you know what I started

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<v Speaker 1>thinking there day too, is I'm the holidays. I started

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<v Speaker 1>working on the calendar because I in charge of doing

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<v Speaker 1>our co parenting calendar. And it's just that I'm like,

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know, you know, things change weekly daily, yes,

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<v Speaker 1>with my life, and I'm like, I just I hope

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<v Speaker 1>that I'm not if I please help me not be

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<v Speaker 1>sad like I came and talked about during the holidays. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>it'll be hard for you. Yeah, it'll be hard. I

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<v Speaker 1>can think about. Okay, next topics, give that one some time.

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<v Speaker 1>Next topic, Um, what's funny right now in the world?

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<v Speaker 1>What's funny? Talking my kids? I just get upset. I

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<v Speaker 1>know that's me in therapy. Oh, speaking of therapy, Canna

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<v Speaker 1>say what the other day? Please? That was hilarious, which

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<v Speaker 1>but I just want to say, though, I need you

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<v Speaker 1>to affirm yourself that you are making that choice for

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<v Speaker 1>yourself not anybody else. Oh yes, And honestly, I'm going

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<v Speaker 1>to be honest. I think this podcast was that a

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<v Speaker 1>lot to do with it. Talking to cal the other

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<v Speaker 1>day a couple weeks ago, like that was that was good? Um,

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<v Speaker 1>And obviously you're always helpful with that. But yes, I

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<v Speaker 1>mean I think with me, it's like I'm like, yes,

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<v Speaker 1>I but I can only push you so far. I

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<v Speaker 1>can you just like help with You're very helpful with yeah. Um.

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<v Speaker 1>Which I've seen a therapist before, years ago. It's been

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<v Speaker 1>a long time. So I decided that I was going

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<v Speaker 1>to call a therapist and sit down, you know whatever. Um.

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<v Speaker 1>So I asked Janna for hers, which we had talked

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<v Speaker 1>to her on the podcast before. Um, Amy Alexander over

0:12:32.920 --> 0:12:37.320
<v Speaker 1>at a refuge center in Nashville or Franklin. They're incredible. Yes.

0:12:37.520 --> 0:12:40.320
<v Speaker 1>So loved her, loved talking to her that day. So

0:12:40.360 --> 0:12:42.480
<v Speaker 1>I was like, I'll reach out to Amy. So I

0:12:43.280 --> 0:12:46.960
<v Speaker 1>amail Amy and I'm like new client and I'm like, hey,

0:12:47.080 --> 0:12:50.120
<v Speaker 1>it's Katherine, you know blah blah blah. Um, I would

0:12:50.120 --> 0:12:51.680
<v Speaker 1>love if you have time to sit down with you

0:12:51.720 --> 0:12:54.360
<v Speaker 1>blah blah blah. And she was like, um, do you

0:12:54.400 --> 0:12:56.840
<v Speaker 1>have time today? For a quick five minute call, and

0:12:56.880 --> 0:12:59.080
<v Speaker 1>I was like, she's not gonna take me, Like what

0:12:59.080 --> 0:13:00.640
<v Speaker 1>do I need to say to make sure that she

0:13:00.720 --> 0:13:03.600
<v Speaker 1>takes me? Janna blah blah blah. So she calls me

0:13:03.679 --> 0:13:06.040
<v Speaker 1>and she's like, what would you say your main concern is?

0:13:06.120 --> 0:13:09.240
<v Speaker 1>And then I go into like, well, you know whatever,

0:13:09.360 --> 0:13:12.640
<v Speaker 1>my main concern um and then she's like, would you

0:13:12.640 --> 0:13:15.120
<v Speaker 1>like to share your main concern or no? Sure? I mean,

0:13:15.240 --> 0:13:17.199
<v Speaker 1>I like, of course, this is a five minute phone call.

0:13:17.240 --> 0:13:19.960
<v Speaker 1>And I'm like, well, let's see, like I've been married

0:13:20.000 --> 0:13:22.360
<v Speaker 1>for fourteen years, we have wraps and downs and then

0:13:22.400 --> 0:13:25.600
<v Speaker 1>like I've got family trauma and blah blah blah. Say,

0:13:25.600 --> 0:13:28.160
<v Speaker 1>I go through the whole and trying to figure out

0:13:29.360 --> 0:13:33.280
<v Speaker 1>when I'm unhappy in our marriage, like why I'm unhappy,

0:13:33.679 --> 0:13:35.760
<v Speaker 1>not just like what he's doing wrong or you know,

0:13:35.840 --> 0:13:38.840
<v Speaker 1>I'm very aware that it's a lot of times is

0:13:38.880 --> 0:13:40.720
<v Speaker 1>me and me being unhappy and just kind of trying

0:13:40.720 --> 0:13:43.080
<v Speaker 1>to figure me out more, I guess, and then obviously

0:13:43.080 --> 0:13:45.200
<v Speaker 1>going back to the childhood traumas and stuff like that.

0:13:45.600 --> 0:13:47.840
<v Speaker 1>So I go into the whole spiel and clearly I

0:13:47.840 --> 0:13:50.439
<v Speaker 1>figure out that's like really not what she wanted and

0:13:50.559 --> 0:13:53.160
<v Speaker 1>she's like okay. She's like, well, she's like beating around

0:13:53.160 --> 0:13:55.120
<v Speaker 1>the bush a little bit. But you know, she was like,

0:13:55.240 --> 0:13:58.800
<v Speaker 1>usually I don't see like family members or good friends

0:13:58.960 --> 0:14:02.400
<v Speaker 1>of other clients. And I was like, oh no, no, no, no,

0:14:02.440 --> 0:14:06.480
<v Speaker 1>I'm not coming to talk about Janna. She's great. She's like, okay,

0:14:06.480 --> 0:14:08.480
<v Speaker 1>as long as that's not part of your concern. I

0:14:08.520 --> 0:14:12.000
<v Speaker 1>was like, no, that's pretty funny. I love it. She

0:14:12.120 --> 0:14:13.800
<v Speaker 1>was just like, you can't come in here and like

0:14:14.240 --> 0:14:17.800
<v Speaker 1>like Janna, she's just like the worst boss ever. Like

0:14:18.040 --> 0:14:19.640
<v Speaker 1>and so then I told Janna, I was like, you're

0:14:19.640 --> 0:14:23.200
<v Speaker 1>gonna know when I go get another therapist, it's because

0:14:23.240 --> 0:14:27.080
<v Speaker 1>I'm not happy with you. Oh my god, that would

0:14:27.120 --> 0:14:30.440
<v Speaker 1>be the worst anymore. Oh what am I doing wrong?

0:14:31.840 --> 0:14:35.080
<v Speaker 1>Wait wait await, but I mean vice versa. You can't

0:14:35.080 --> 0:14:36.960
<v Speaker 1>talk about me either, but I talk about you all

0:14:36.960 --> 0:14:40.480
<v Speaker 1>the time, but not in a way of like negative.

0:14:40.520 --> 0:14:42.280
<v Speaker 1>I'll just be like, oh, Catherine brought this up to

0:14:42.280 --> 0:14:43.880
<v Speaker 1>me and she made a really good write or like

0:14:44.040 --> 0:14:47.640
<v Speaker 1>Catherine noticed this and me and because it's like those again,

0:14:47.760 --> 0:14:52.240
<v Speaker 1>like you are the one that kind of um sees

0:14:52.320 --> 0:14:54.040
<v Speaker 1>me or you see me every day, so you're the

0:14:54.040 --> 0:14:57.240
<v Speaker 1>ones that you hold you pay them, especially hold me accountable.

0:14:57.320 --> 0:15:01.520
<v Speaker 1>So when you say something to me, then I usually

0:15:01.560 --> 0:15:03.120
<v Speaker 1>write it down and then bring that to therapy and

0:15:03.120 --> 0:15:04.720
<v Speaker 1>be like, hey, they brought this up, like why do

0:15:04.760 --> 0:15:07.040
<v Speaker 1>I do that right? Or like how how come? Or

0:15:07.120 --> 0:15:09.000
<v Speaker 1>which I'm sure I'll do that too because you point

0:15:09.040 --> 0:15:11.480
<v Speaker 1>out all that you know, yeah, like I know, just

0:15:11.560 --> 0:15:13.440
<v Speaker 1>talk about each other. But no, no, it's just that

0:15:13.520 --> 0:15:15.600
<v Speaker 1>we just can't say like like you can't be my problem.

0:15:15.680 --> 0:15:21.320
<v Speaker 1>I can't problem would suck. I feel like we're good though, right, Yeah,

0:15:21.320 --> 0:15:28.440
<v Speaker 1>everything's great, everything, everything is fine. But I'm really really

0:15:28.440 --> 0:15:31.800
<v Speaker 1>proud of you because I think it's I think, if

0:15:31.880 --> 0:15:37.120
<v Speaker 1>I can speak openly, I feel like you, um, I

0:15:37.160 --> 0:15:39.280
<v Speaker 1>make up that you think there has to be an

0:15:39.280 --> 0:15:41.640
<v Speaker 1>issue wrong with the marriage, like Nick cheats or he

0:15:41.760 --> 0:15:44.160
<v Speaker 1>drinks or he is and for for why, like you

0:15:44.240 --> 0:15:48.680
<v Speaker 1>might be unhappy, and it's like there, there doesn't need

0:15:48.760 --> 0:15:53.280
<v Speaker 1>to be a reason, it's just but figuring out why

0:15:53.400 --> 0:15:57.000
<v Speaker 1>you're unhappy is you know the goal? I guess right

0:15:57.160 --> 0:15:58.840
<v Speaker 1>for sure? Well, I think it all goes back to

0:15:59.440 --> 0:16:01.840
<v Speaker 1>you know, my pa, it's getting divorced and my mom leaving,

0:16:01.920 --> 0:16:04.400
<v Speaker 1>and they're not being a real reason. But also the

0:16:04.480 --> 0:16:07.000
<v Speaker 1>mom leaving, So I have this whole and I've always

0:16:07.000 --> 0:16:08.920
<v Speaker 1>told him. I've told him from the very beginning of

0:16:08.920 --> 0:16:10.800
<v Speaker 1>our marriage, like I will never stay in a marriage

0:16:10.800 --> 0:16:12.920
<v Speaker 1>just for the kids, because my parents tried to, Like

0:16:12.960 --> 0:16:14.600
<v Speaker 1>my mom tried to stay until I was eighteen, but

0:16:14.640 --> 0:16:16.960
<v Speaker 1>she ended up leaving a sixteen. And I was like,

0:16:17.080 --> 0:16:18.960
<v Speaker 1>if you're unhappy, you should have left a long time ago.

0:16:19.720 --> 0:16:23.440
<v Speaker 1>But I think that trauma. It's like I don't want

0:16:23.440 --> 0:16:25.800
<v Speaker 1>to be not that we're getting divorced, but like I

0:16:25.800 --> 0:16:28.440
<v Speaker 1>don't want to be the one to leave or unless

0:16:28.440 --> 0:16:31.360
<v Speaker 1>I have a reason, I guess well, And unfortunately you

0:16:31.680 --> 0:16:34.400
<v Speaker 1>have said to me a lot like I mean, like

0:16:34.480 --> 0:16:37.120
<v Speaker 1>it's not like Mike, like he didn't didn't nicked and cheat,

0:16:37.120 --> 0:16:38.680
<v Speaker 1>and like Kavine, he doesn't have to cheat for me

0:16:38.760 --> 0:16:41.680
<v Speaker 1>to be unhappy. Like there's things and like again, you

0:16:41.720 --> 0:16:43.600
<v Speaker 1>guys have been married for so long, and I'm so

0:16:43.720 --> 0:16:45.920
<v Speaker 1>proud that like you're going to figure out like because

0:16:45.960 --> 0:16:48.000
<v Speaker 1>it might have nothing to do. It might be little

0:16:48.000 --> 0:16:52.240
<v Speaker 1>things that like y'all can figure out together. But also

0:16:52.280 --> 0:16:54.560
<v Speaker 1>fourteen years is a long time, Like you know, those

0:16:54.840 --> 0:16:58.720
<v Speaker 1>we've had people on and you just might have missed

0:16:58.720 --> 0:17:01.960
<v Speaker 1>that one season of growing back together, you know, when

0:17:01.960 --> 0:17:04.240
<v Speaker 1>Pastor cal Had says something that was so helpful because

0:17:04.280 --> 0:17:06.399
<v Speaker 1>it was like, you know a lot of the time,

0:17:06.520 --> 0:17:09.080
<v Speaker 1>it's not necessarily like it's something going on in you,

0:17:09.400 --> 0:17:11.800
<v Speaker 1>and that's what kind of prompted it. Like I feel

0:17:11.880 --> 0:17:14.240
<v Speaker 1>that way, Like I don't feel like, I mean, it's

0:17:14.240 --> 0:17:16.680
<v Speaker 1>a great guy, you know, I mean it's not like

0:17:17.400 --> 0:17:20.800
<v Speaker 1>but is it? You know, I find myself in these

0:17:20.840 --> 0:17:22.760
<v Speaker 1>moments when I'm upset with him where I'm ad. I'm

0:17:22.800 --> 0:17:25.000
<v Speaker 1>just like, I feel like this is more just my feeling.

0:17:25.080 --> 0:17:29.040
<v Speaker 1>I don't. I don't really honestly feel like there's really

0:17:29.080 --> 0:17:32.080
<v Speaker 1>something specific he's doing that it's more me. So I

0:17:32.119 --> 0:17:35.200
<v Speaker 1>just have to kind of is that where the emotion

0:17:35.280 --> 0:17:40.720
<v Speaker 1>comes from? Then when you going to therapy? Is that

0:17:40.760 --> 0:17:43.399
<v Speaker 1>really emotion? Like when you because when you because I

0:17:43.520 --> 0:17:47.040
<v Speaker 1>you rarely cry, Oh I do in therapy, right, So

0:17:47.080 --> 0:17:50.040
<v Speaker 1>that's that's where I'm like, what's feel like, Oh, it's

0:17:50.040 --> 0:17:52.280
<v Speaker 1>either talking about my kids, just like I mean if

0:17:52.320 --> 0:17:53.680
<v Speaker 1>I talk if I go in therapy and I talk

0:17:53.720 --> 0:17:56.760
<v Speaker 1>about like how it's going to affect my kids, I

0:17:56.760 --> 0:18:01.840
<v Speaker 1>mean that makes me cry every time. Um or when

0:18:01.880 --> 0:18:04.439
<v Speaker 1>I do get because I can be vulnerable. I do

0:18:04.520 --> 0:18:07.280
<v Speaker 1>not like to be vulnerable, but I can. I just

0:18:07.280 --> 0:18:09.120
<v Speaker 1>don't think I was taught to. I think I grew

0:18:09.200 --> 0:18:11.160
<v Speaker 1>up in a family where you don't talk about feelings,

0:18:11.200 --> 0:18:14.320
<v Speaker 1>you don't show affection, you don't I don't know how

0:18:14.359 --> 0:18:16.760
<v Speaker 1>to do that in like a healthy way, and just

0:18:16.880 --> 0:18:19.840
<v Speaker 1>literally was not shown how to do that. So I

0:18:19.880 --> 0:18:23.040
<v Speaker 1>just automatically put up a wall. If something happens, wall

0:18:23.080 --> 0:18:26.359
<v Speaker 1>goes up, you know. Um. But in therapy, I can

0:18:26.440 --> 0:18:29.440
<v Speaker 1>be vulnerable. I can talk about it. So that's usually

0:18:29.440 --> 0:18:31.600
<v Speaker 1>where the emotion will come too, because I'm addressing the

0:18:31.680 --> 0:18:35.280
<v Speaker 1>things in me that are not like I could be like, well,

0:18:35.280 --> 0:18:37.239
<v Speaker 1>I know I did this and this was wrong in

0:18:37.280 --> 0:18:40.600
<v Speaker 1>our marriage, and that will make me upset, you know.

0:18:40.880 --> 0:18:44.280
<v Speaker 1>So Yeah, and you've suppressed these feelings for probably years

0:18:44.280 --> 0:18:46.320
<v Speaker 1>and years, so it's like it's all just like bottles.

0:18:46.320 --> 0:18:48.520
<v Speaker 1>I don't like to talk about it, Yeah, Or if

0:18:48.560 --> 0:18:51.520
<v Speaker 1>we start to talk about whatever it is, then I'll

0:18:51.640 --> 0:18:53.440
<v Speaker 1>usually just it'll just be a blow up because I

0:18:53.480 --> 0:18:56.440
<v Speaker 1>don't want to talk about it. He's better at talking

0:18:56.440 --> 0:18:59.760
<v Speaker 1>about things than I am, for sure, But I'm so

0:19:00.040 --> 0:19:05.800
<v Speaker 1>out of you appreciate that. I'm really proud um. All right, Well,

0:19:05.840 --> 0:19:09.400
<v Speaker 1>on that note, we have Mel Robbins coming on, who

0:19:09.480 --> 0:19:17.680
<v Speaker 1>is an incredible emotional UM speaker, motivational, emotional. She was

0:19:17.760 --> 0:19:21.720
<v Speaker 1>very emotional, No, incredible motivational speaker. She's um. We had

0:19:21.720 --> 0:19:25.720
<v Speaker 1>her on last January. It was last January, last January,

0:19:25.960 --> 0:19:34.400
<v Speaker 1>no mom, January, mom mom before that. Yeah, oh yeah, wow,

0:19:35.119 --> 0:19:42.000
<v Speaker 1>m yep. So I'm gonna have her on and I've

0:19:42.200 --> 0:19:45.560
<v Speaker 1>do you remember her five three two one? Remember she

0:19:45.600 --> 0:19:47.240
<v Speaker 1>was five four three two one? Get up and do

0:19:47.520 --> 0:19:52.479
<v Speaker 1>like I've used that in since the divorce because there

0:19:52.480 --> 0:19:53.879
<v Speaker 1>were so many times where I would just like lay

0:19:53.920 --> 0:19:56.520
<v Speaker 1>there staring at a wall and I'm like, okay, I

0:19:57.560 --> 0:20:00.520
<v Speaker 1>no joke, have to count myself down to get up,

0:20:01.080 --> 0:20:03.560
<v Speaker 1>and it's fascinating how it does work. So I'm gonna

0:20:03.880 --> 0:20:06.480
<v Speaker 1>bring yourself to her again and um take a break

0:20:06.520 --> 0:20:23.159
<v Speaker 1>and have her. What up everybody? Hi? How are you?

0:20:24.080 --> 0:20:29.600
<v Speaker 1>I miss you? Oh? Well, it's so nice to see you. Boy.

0:20:29.640 --> 0:20:34.600
<v Speaker 1>You've had a hell of a year. Girlfriend, talk about

0:20:34.640 --> 0:20:37.240
<v Speaker 1>it now right we can? And you know what's so

0:20:37.320 --> 0:20:43.119
<v Speaker 1>crazy is I referenced that the Momuary back in last January,

0:20:43.240 --> 0:20:46.400
<v Speaker 1>and I obviously couldn't tell people at the time, what

0:20:46.440 --> 0:20:50.600
<v Speaker 1>was going on last January? UM, And I honestly didn't

0:20:50.920 --> 0:20:55.480
<v Speaker 1>even know the full extent of it until a few

0:20:55.520 --> 0:21:01.320
<v Speaker 1>months ago. But UM, I just remember I always remembered

0:21:01.320 --> 0:21:04.080
<v Speaker 1>your words, I always remembered what you said, and it

0:21:04.160 --> 0:21:07.160
<v Speaker 1>was just I have such a and since that day

0:21:07.200 --> 0:21:08.880
<v Speaker 1>and since that podcast with you, I've just had such

0:21:08.920 --> 0:21:11.280
<v Speaker 1>a connection to you in your words, because you're just

0:21:11.440 --> 0:21:17.080
<v Speaker 1>so right. Well, I mean, I don't want to be

0:21:17.200 --> 0:21:22.040
<v Speaker 1>right honestly, I feel like, Um, having talked to so

0:21:22.160 --> 0:21:29.200
<v Speaker 1>many people, reaching so many people, and also studying and

0:21:30.160 --> 0:21:33.159
<v Speaker 1>digging so deep into the research around human behavior and

0:21:33.240 --> 0:21:35.440
<v Speaker 1>habits and all this stuff, and also having like kind

0:21:35.440 --> 0:21:38.000
<v Speaker 1>of screwed up my own life. I've been on both

0:21:38.040 --> 0:21:41.760
<v Speaker 1>the receiving end of heartbreak and I've been on the

0:21:41.800 --> 0:21:47.600
<v Speaker 1>delivering end of it and struggling with childhood drama and

0:21:47.640 --> 0:21:51.040
<v Speaker 1>really only fully starting to understand it. They're just patterns

0:21:51.040 --> 0:21:54.000
<v Speaker 1>of behavior, there are patterns of thinking that trip us

0:21:54.040 --> 0:21:56.639
<v Speaker 1>all up. And you know, the one thing that I

0:21:56.640 --> 0:22:02.760
<v Speaker 1>want you to know is that you are really really

0:22:02.800 --> 0:22:06.800
<v Speaker 1>well known. But I think in in it's important for

0:22:06.840 --> 0:22:10.040
<v Speaker 1>you to also understand I didn't even know what was

0:22:10.080 --> 0:22:14.280
<v Speaker 1>going on in your life. Recently until we sat down

0:22:14.400 --> 0:22:18.159
<v Speaker 1>to UM, you know, do this interview and I and

0:22:18.200 --> 0:22:19.879
<v Speaker 1>I basically was like, well, let me see what's been

0:22:19.880 --> 0:22:21.359
<v Speaker 1>going on since I talked to her last time. And

0:22:21.400 --> 0:22:23.239
<v Speaker 1>I'm like, oh my god. And so I want you

0:22:23.280 --> 0:22:26.119
<v Speaker 1>to know that it can feel like the whole world

0:22:26.200 --> 0:22:33.159
<v Speaker 1>knows everything that's happening, and don't allow yourself to magnify

0:22:33.200 --> 0:22:35.080
<v Speaker 1>this because I want you to know your friend Mel

0:22:35.240 --> 0:22:37.760
<v Speaker 1>Robbins didn't have a clue about any of the details

0:22:37.760 --> 0:22:41.160
<v Speaker 1>of anything. And so I think understanding that not everybody

0:22:41.200 --> 0:22:47.560
<v Speaker 1>knows and that life will go on, and don't magnify

0:22:48.280 --> 0:22:51.000
<v Speaker 1>the stuff that's happening in your life to something bigger

0:22:51.040 --> 0:22:53.520
<v Speaker 1>than it is, because the stuff that you're going through

0:22:53.920 --> 0:22:56.120
<v Speaker 1>so many people go through and most people aren't even

0:22:56.119 --> 0:22:58.480
<v Speaker 1>paying attention. And so I don't want you to feel

0:22:58.480 --> 0:23:01.359
<v Speaker 1>self conscious. I actually think that your story and the

0:23:01.359 --> 0:23:03.720
<v Speaker 1>things that you're going through and your willingness to talk

0:23:03.720 --> 0:23:06.760
<v Speaker 1>about what you will or what you won't UM, it

0:23:06.800 --> 0:23:11.159
<v Speaker 1>helps everybody. Well, I mean, thank you for saying that.

0:23:11.200 --> 0:23:16.159
<v Speaker 1>And I think I think I struggled with UM because

0:23:16.160 --> 0:23:19.080
<v Speaker 1>you are such like the comeback like you're the comeback relationship.

0:23:19.119 --> 0:23:21.560
<v Speaker 1>You're the comeback, you know, and like all of that

0:23:21.680 --> 0:23:23.879
<v Speaker 1>was like, you know, your marriage was about to fall apart.

0:23:24.000 --> 0:23:27.119
<v Speaker 1>You were depressed, and so I looked at you and

0:23:27.560 --> 0:23:29.239
<v Speaker 1>I understood the words that you were saying a year

0:23:29.280 --> 0:23:30.560
<v Speaker 1>and a half ago. But at the same time, I'm like,

0:23:30.600 --> 0:23:33.640
<v Speaker 1>well if if that, if they can change, then we can.

0:23:35.119 --> 0:23:37.200
<v Speaker 1>Well what exactly did I say to you? So let's

0:23:37.240 --> 0:23:42.040
<v Speaker 1>go there. Um, when you you mentioned something about repeated

0:23:42.040 --> 0:23:46.359
<v Speaker 1>patterns or something to be to take notice of. Yeah, like,

0:23:46.440 --> 0:23:48.439
<v Speaker 1>don't listen to what somebody says, watch what they do,

0:23:49.440 --> 0:23:52.800
<v Speaker 1>and then pattern to see the pattern to continue to repeat.

0:23:52.960 --> 0:23:56.240
<v Speaker 1>It's kind of like you basically said, he's not gonna

0:23:56.320 --> 0:24:01.920
<v Speaker 1>not cheat. Yes, correct, and you were right like you

0:24:01.920 --> 0:24:04.160
<v Speaker 1>you know, it's and and it was And I think

0:24:04.200 --> 0:24:07.600
<v Speaker 1>that was so hard because I wanted to look at

0:24:07.680 --> 0:24:11.119
<v Speaker 1>other people's lives that have made at work and being like,

0:24:11.160 --> 0:24:13.920
<v Speaker 1>well maybe this is the Maybe now they'll eventually change.

0:24:14.000 --> 0:24:18.280
<v Speaker 1>Maybe now we can actually do what we say we're doing. Well,

0:24:18.359 --> 0:24:22.680
<v Speaker 1>I want to ask you a question, Sure, when did

0:24:22.720 --> 0:24:29.480
<v Speaker 1>you know that he was going to cheat again? Because

0:24:29.520 --> 0:24:36.200
<v Speaker 1>my suspicion is that your issue is that you're not

0:24:36.400 --> 0:24:42.679
<v Speaker 1>listening to yourself and if you look back on the

0:24:42.720 --> 0:24:44.960
<v Speaker 1>patterns in your life. And I don't even know the

0:24:44.960 --> 0:24:47.720
<v Speaker 1>patterns in your life, but if you look back on

0:24:47.800 --> 0:24:52.720
<v Speaker 1>the patterns in your own life, I guarantee you what

0:24:52.920 --> 0:24:56.080
<v Speaker 1>you will see when you're taking a very hard and

0:24:56.160 --> 0:25:00.879
<v Speaker 1>honest look as a pattern of behavior. Are you know

0:25:02.040 --> 0:25:08.480
<v Speaker 1>what is true? And you betray yourself for the sake

0:25:08.520 --> 0:25:12.399
<v Speaker 1>of somebody else. And it is probably a pattern that

0:25:12.440 --> 0:25:14.280
<v Speaker 1>has been going on since you were a little girl.

0:25:14.920 --> 0:25:17.719
<v Speaker 1>And the reason why I say this is because in

0:25:17.800 --> 0:25:23.679
<v Speaker 1>my own life, the biggest heartbreaks, the biggest punches in

0:25:23.720 --> 0:25:27.160
<v Speaker 1>the face, the most horrible things that I've ever had

0:25:27.200 --> 0:25:31.560
<v Speaker 1>to go through. When I really stop and I take

0:25:31.600 --> 0:25:40.080
<v Speaker 1>a look at myself, I realized, holy shot, this is

0:25:40.119 --> 0:25:43.440
<v Speaker 1>a pattern that has been present in my life, typically

0:25:43.520 --> 0:25:48.560
<v Speaker 1>due to trauma from childhood that life has been trying

0:25:48.640 --> 0:25:51.240
<v Speaker 1>to wake me up to. And it's just gotten bigger

0:25:51.280 --> 0:25:55.119
<v Speaker 1>and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger until life

0:25:55.160 --> 0:25:58.119
<v Speaker 1>hands me a sledgehammer and I finally wake up and

0:25:58.119 --> 0:26:01.560
<v Speaker 1>pay attention. So, for example, I'm going to share a story,

0:26:02.800 --> 0:26:06.480
<v Speaker 1>um so I um you know, I think I can

0:26:06.560 --> 0:26:08.640
<v Speaker 1>remember if we talked about this when I was when

0:26:08.640 --> 0:26:10.280
<v Speaker 1>I had a conversation with you last time, but we

0:26:10.400 --> 0:26:14.040
<v Speaker 1>I shared you know this story is public. When I

0:26:14.080 --> 0:26:17.199
<v Speaker 1>was in the fourth grade, I was molested and we

0:26:17.200 --> 0:26:20.720
<v Speaker 1>were on a skeep vacation with a bunch of other

0:26:20.760 --> 0:26:23.560
<v Speaker 1>families and all the kids were in a bunk room

0:26:23.600 --> 0:26:26.280
<v Speaker 1>and I woke up, as a fourth grader in the

0:26:26.320 --> 0:26:28.400
<v Speaker 1>middle of the night. I was dead asleep. I woke

0:26:28.480 --> 0:26:30.080
<v Speaker 1>up and there was an older kid on top of me.

0:26:30.760 --> 0:26:33.760
<v Speaker 1>And the fact is, in terms of the span of

0:26:33.800 --> 0:26:36.159
<v Speaker 1>things that can happen in somebody's life, in terms of

0:26:36.160 --> 0:26:39.760
<v Speaker 1>sexual abuse, this was really mild. It was a one off.

0:26:40.480 --> 0:26:45.320
<v Speaker 1>It was not scary. It was confusing, and I literally

0:26:45.400 --> 0:26:48.400
<v Speaker 1>disassociated in the moment as this kid was on top

0:26:48.440 --> 0:26:51.040
<v Speaker 1>of me. And I don't even know how it ended.

0:26:51.160 --> 0:26:54.399
<v Speaker 1>I just woke up the next morning and I felt

0:26:55.160 --> 0:26:57.280
<v Speaker 1>that something was wrong, and I felt that I had

0:26:57.320 --> 0:27:01.560
<v Speaker 1>done something wrong. And then I walked downstairs and my

0:27:01.640 --> 0:27:04.240
<v Speaker 1>mom is there cooking breakfast with the other moms, and

0:27:04.359 --> 0:27:06.840
<v Speaker 1>she turns and just says, hi, honey, how to sleep?

0:27:07.359 --> 0:27:10.679
<v Speaker 1>And I immediately wanted to tell her, but there was

0:27:10.720 --> 0:27:14.639
<v Speaker 1>this kid right at the corner of my eye. Now,

0:27:14.760 --> 0:27:18.880
<v Speaker 1>my mom's amazing. My mom grew up on a cattle farm.

0:27:18.960 --> 0:27:21.080
<v Speaker 1>She would have taken that spatchel and knocked that kid

0:27:21.080 --> 0:27:23.480
<v Speaker 1>into next week. Like there was no question how my

0:27:23.520 --> 0:27:28.840
<v Speaker 1>mother was going to respond to this. I could not

0:27:28.920 --> 0:27:32.679
<v Speaker 1>predict how he was going to and so in that moment,

0:27:32.760 --> 0:27:36.639
<v Speaker 1>I betrayed myself and I did not tell the truth.

0:27:37.359 --> 0:27:39.159
<v Speaker 1>And I did it in order to keep the peace.

0:27:40.840 --> 0:27:45.080
<v Speaker 1>And what's interesting, and look, here's the thing about human beings.

0:27:46.720 --> 0:27:51.760
<v Speaker 1>We are unbelievably designed. There's so much intelligence in our

0:27:51.840 --> 0:27:53.600
<v Speaker 1>DNA and her body and her soul, in her mind

0:27:53.600 --> 0:27:56.120
<v Speaker 1>and her spirit, and all of it is amazing. There

0:27:56.200 --> 0:27:59.639
<v Speaker 1>is one profound, fundamental flaw in human design, and that

0:27:59.800 --> 0:28:03.600
<v Speaker 1>is when you're a little kid and something happens to you,

0:28:03.600 --> 0:28:06.080
<v Speaker 1>you do not have the life experience most of us

0:28:06.119 --> 0:28:09.119
<v Speaker 1>don't have the support system, and you do not have

0:28:09.200 --> 0:28:12.200
<v Speaker 1>the internal wirling to go, well, this is screwed up.

0:28:12.840 --> 0:28:15.560
<v Speaker 1>That kid probably did that because somebody's doing it to him.

0:28:15.600 --> 0:28:19.880
<v Speaker 1>These adults should be arrested, Like no kid does that.

0:28:20.000 --> 0:28:24.000
<v Speaker 1>We all go there's something wrong with me, and we

0:28:24.119 --> 0:28:28.359
<v Speaker 1>stop listening and we silence that wisdom and that intuition,

0:28:28.600 --> 0:28:30.760
<v Speaker 1>and then for the rest of your life you're like,

0:28:30.840 --> 0:28:35.240
<v Speaker 1>what happens. In order to heal, you can take a

0:28:35.400 --> 0:28:40.120
<v Speaker 1>look at where are the patterns that developed in your

0:28:40.160 --> 0:28:42.320
<v Speaker 1>life where you were just trying to survive the stuff

0:28:42.320 --> 0:28:44.360
<v Speaker 1>that happened to you as a kid. You're just doing

0:28:44.400 --> 0:28:46.160
<v Speaker 1>the best that you could. And for me, the pattern

0:28:46.200 --> 0:28:48.560
<v Speaker 1>that I can now see is that I was always

0:28:48.640 --> 0:28:53.040
<v Speaker 1>drawn towards really big personalities, really unpredictable people, because they

0:28:53.080 --> 0:28:55.640
<v Speaker 1>felt fun and sexy and amazing. And then when I

0:28:55.640 --> 0:28:58.560
<v Speaker 1>would get close to that person that has a big personality,

0:28:59.000 --> 0:29:02.560
<v Speaker 1>I would realize, oh, God, like this person is dangerous,

0:29:02.600 --> 0:29:05.600
<v Speaker 1>they're a narcissist, or they are unpredictable, or through this

0:29:05.720 --> 0:29:07.760
<v Speaker 1>or that. And then, just like I was in the

0:29:07.800 --> 0:29:14.040
<v Speaker 1>fourth grade, worried about somebody's reaction, I would go right

0:29:14.080 --> 0:29:17.400
<v Speaker 1>into that trauma pattern, but staying silent, I would know

0:29:18.240 --> 0:29:21.800
<v Speaker 1>that I needed to not be a friend with this

0:29:21.920 --> 0:29:25.320
<v Speaker 1>person or doing a business with this person, you know,

0:29:25.400 --> 0:29:28.200
<v Speaker 1>in terms of conducting business that I shouldn't be, you know,

0:29:28.560 --> 0:29:31.080
<v Speaker 1>having this person in my life in whatever capacity. Like

0:29:31.120 --> 0:29:34.880
<v Speaker 1>it's over, and like the pattern is as clear as day.

0:29:35.400 --> 0:29:38.000
<v Speaker 1>I'm drawn to a certain type of personality because it

0:29:38.440 --> 0:29:41.040
<v Speaker 1>matches an old pattern, and then I go right into

0:29:41.040 --> 0:29:46.200
<v Speaker 1>the coping mechanism of allowing stuff to happen and staying

0:29:46.200 --> 0:29:49.280
<v Speaker 1>silent about it, and then I'm the one that gets hurt.

0:29:50.240 --> 0:29:53.200
<v Speaker 1>And so the breakthrough for me is in seeing that

0:29:53.240 --> 0:29:56.320
<v Speaker 1>it's connected to trauma, doing the work to heal my

0:29:56.360 --> 0:29:58.680
<v Speaker 1>nervous system so I don't get triggered, and being very

0:29:58.760 --> 0:30:04.480
<v Speaker 1>mindful about the kinds of situations and the people that

0:30:04.600 --> 0:30:10.240
<v Speaker 1>I'm around. And so I believe if you are being

0:30:10.320 --> 0:30:14.720
<v Speaker 1>honest with yourself, there was a moment where you knew

0:30:14.760 --> 0:30:18.320
<v Speaker 1>in your heart this this guy's gonna cheat again, and

0:30:18.360 --> 0:30:21.560
<v Speaker 1>I know it, but for the sake of keeping the

0:30:21.600 --> 0:30:24.320
<v Speaker 1>peace or being the good one or staying silent or whatever,

0:30:25.280 --> 0:30:30.240
<v Speaker 1>you didn't listen to it. Mhm, No, I mean you're

0:30:32.680 --> 0:30:36.000
<v Speaker 1>one thousand percent right. And when you said that, I

0:30:36.000 --> 0:30:38.760
<v Speaker 1>started to just get like, you know, um, kind of

0:30:38.760 --> 0:30:43.200
<v Speaker 1>a heavy chest and emotion emotional, just because yeah, I mean,

0:30:43.200 --> 0:30:47.880
<v Speaker 1>if I if I really really truly we're being you know,

0:30:48.360 --> 0:30:54.880
<v Speaker 1>being honest. I mean, yeah, I probably I always knew

0:30:54.880 --> 0:30:59.560
<v Speaker 1>he had cheat. I just never wanted to believe that, yes,

0:31:00.680 --> 0:31:04.000
<v Speaker 1>but you know, seeing the repeated patterns, and even when

0:31:04.040 --> 0:31:07.440
<v Speaker 1>I spoke to you during that momuary, I mean knowing

0:31:07.480 --> 0:31:09.600
<v Speaker 1>now what I know what was actually going on, then,

0:31:10.600 --> 0:31:13.920
<v Speaker 1>um I I knew, like I there was that piece

0:31:13.920 --> 0:31:15.680
<v Speaker 1>of me that that knew, just like my best friend

0:31:15.760 --> 0:31:18.200
<v Speaker 1>Katherine was like I always knew, and I you know

0:31:18.360 --> 0:31:22.440
<v Speaker 1>I had. And but also what's sad too is kind

0:31:22.440 --> 0:31:24.680
<v Speaker 1>of what you were saying from my childhood, from traumas

0:31:24.720 --> 0:31:27.000
<v Speaker 1>and stuff, that's I've always picked the abuser. And so

0:31:27.920 --> 0:31:30.160
<v Speaker 1>there was something that happened when we first started dating

0:31:30.760 --> 0:31:36.200
<v Speaker 1>that I've don't think I'll ever actually share, but um

0:31:36.240 --> 0:31:39.880
<v Speaker 1>in and in that moment, I was like, it was

0:31:39.920 --> 0:31:43.080
<v Speaker 1>that sign like I have have to leave this, but

0:31:44.160 --> 0:31:46.240
<v Speaker 1>I then that was that was that was that was

0:31:46.320 --> 0:31:48.920
<v Speaker 1>the moment that I betrayed myself was because I didn't

0:31:48.960 --> 0:31:52.240
<v Speaker 1>want to see his reaction or know what his reaction

0:31:52.240 --> 0:31:53.840
<v Speaker 1>would be, so I allowed it to happen for the

0:31:53.840 --> 0:31:56.720
<v Speaker 1>rest of our marriage. Well, so here's the thing I

0:31:56.720 --> 0:32:01.480
<v Speaker 1>want you to understand. So first things first, Um, especially

0:32:01.520 --> 0:32:04.800
<v Speaker 1>as somebody that was a trained crisis intervention counselor and

0:32:04.840 --> 0:32:07.600
<v Speaker 1>I volunteered on a domestic violence hotline for four years,

0:32:08.240 --> 0:32:10.840
<v Speaker 1>and being somebody that was a public defender from legal aid,

0:32:11.280 --> 0:32:12.960
<v Speaker 1>I want to make sure that you don't ever hear

0:32:13.000 --> 0:32:15.840
<v Speaker 1>this as you're to blame for anything. What I want

0:32:15.880 --> 0:32:19.440
<v Speaker 1>you to understand is that inside every breakdown of your life,

0:32:19.480 --> 0:32:23.760
<v Speaker 1>inside every heartbreak, every trauma, every horrendous thing that you've

0:32:23.760 --> 0:32:27.360
<v Speaker 1>ever survived, if you look closely, you will find the

0:32:27.440 --> 0:32:30.320
<v Speaker 1>keys that will unlock the cage that you've been trapped in.

0:32:31.400 --> 0:32:34.360
<v Speaker 1>And I believe the cage that you're probably trapped in.

0:32:34.520 --> 0:32:36.120
<v Speaker 1>And I'm just going to throw things at you and

0:32:36.120 --> 0:32:38.200
<v Speaker 1>they're either going to feel like, oh that rings true

0:32:38.280 --> 0:32:41.560
<v Speaker 1>or not. Almost like if we were shopping, I would throw, hey,

0:32:41.560 --> 0:32:43.200
<v Speaker 1>try this. I know you don't like this color bridges.

0:32:43.240 --> 0:32:45.560
<v Speaker 1>Try it on um and you're the one has to

0:32:45.600 --> 0:32:47.160
<v Speaker 1>see if it fits. You're the one who has to

0:32:47.200 --> 0:32:49.840
<v Speaker 1>unpack it with your therapist. But I think it's really

0:32:50.360 --> 0:32:56.000
<v Speaker 1>important for you two take this incredible thing that's happened

0:32:56.000 --> 0:32:59.240
<v Speaker 1>in your life and see it as a dot on

0:32:59.280 --> 0:33:01.760
<v Speaker 1>the map of your life, like everything that's ever happened

0:33:01.760 --> 0:33:05.160
<v Speaker 1>to you has led you to this moment, and this

0:33:05.240 --> 0:33:07.920
<v Speaker 1>moment is going to lead you just like a dot,

0:33:08.000 --> 0:33:12.000
<v Speaker 1>another dot on the map of your life to somewhere extraordinary.

0:33:12.480 --> 0:33:15.920
<v Speaker 1>If you take the time to unpack the lesson that's

0:33:15.920 --> 0:33:18.600
<v Speaker 1>meant for you in this and what's meant for you

0:33:18.680 --> 0:33:21.960
<v Speaker 1>in this is not to blame yourself. It's not to

0:33:22.080 --> 0:33:25.840
<v Speaker 1>excuse the behavior that you endured from somebody else. It's

0:33:25.880 --> 0:33:31.000
<v Speaker 1>to understand what happened to you that made you equate

0:33:31.200 --> 0:33:35.360
<v Speaker 1>this kind of treatment with love. And so it probably

0:33:35.480 --> 0:33:38.640
<v Speaker 1>started with something you witnessed in childhood or experienced in

0:33:38.640 --> 0:33:40.120
<v Speaker 1>the home that you were growing up with. You don't

0:33:40.160 --> 0:33:43.480
<v Speaker 1>have to talk about it, but what I want you

0:33:43.520 --> 0:33:47.400
<v Speaker 1>to realize is somewhere along the line, in your your

0:33:47.600 --> 0:33:52.400
<v Speaker 1>baby or your toddler or your young brain, the experience

0:33:52.440 --> 0:33:58.959
<v Speaker 1>of being loved got fused with being treated poorly. And

0:33:59.080 --> 0:34:02.280
<v Speaker 1>so what you need to do, in addition to healing

0:34:02.320 --> 0:34:04.440
<v Speaker 1>your nervous system, which we can talk about, we can

0:34:04.480 --> 0:34:06.720
<v Speaker 1>talk about high five in your heart, which I definitely

0:34:06.720 --> 0:34:10.120
<v Speaker 1>want you to start doing, yes to talk about that, yep.

0:34:10.320 --> 0:34:14.280
<v Speaker 1>And in addition to high fiving yourself in the mirror,

0:34:14.640 --> 0:34:19.319
<v Speaker 1>which is so deep and which you need because what

0:34:19.480 --> 0:34:23.799
<v Speaker 1>you've been doing, and what all of us do in

0:34:23.960 --> 0:34:27.719
<v Speaker 1>various ways in our lives, is we look outside of

0:34:27.760 --> 0:34:33.960
<v Speaker 1>ourselves for love and validation. And the best way to

0:34:34.000 --> 0:34:38.600
<v Speaker 1>heal yourself is to start working on and building an

0:34:38.640 --> 0:34:46.160
<v Speaker 1>incredible partnership with yourself to learn how to love yourself,

0:34:46.440 --> 0:34:51.640
<v Speaker 1>accept yourself, forgive yourself for exactly where you are right

0:34:51.680 --> 0:34:55.680
<v Speaker 1>now and exactly where you're not. Because the relationship you

0:34:55.760 --> 0:35:00.160
<v Speaker 1>have with yourself is the foundation of every relation and

0:35:00.200 --> 0:35:03.080
<v Speaker 1>ship that you have in life. So if you are

0:35:03.200 --> 0:35:06.919
<v Speaker 1>insecure with yourself, you will be insecure in other relationships.

0:35:06.920 --> 0:35:09.640
<v Speaker 1>If you don't truly love yourself and treat yourself with love,

0:35:10.000 --> 0:35:12.320
<v Speaker 1>you will not even be able to accept that somebody

0:35:12.360 --> 0:35:16.640
<v Speaker 1>else truly loves you. And so we need to and

0:35:16.719 --> 0:35:20.279
<v Speaker 1>you have a huge opportunity to go. Okay, I get it,

0:35:20.680 --> 0:35:24.839
<v Speaker 1>I get it. I need to truly empower myself and

0:35:24.880 --> 0:35:28.239
<v Speaker 1>listen to all of those instincts and the wisdom that

0:35:28.320 --> 0:35:31.719
<v Speaker 1>comes up, because the fact is I knew I just

0:35:31.760 --> 0:35:33.680
<v Speaker 1>didn't listen to myself. That's all that happened. I was

0:35:33.719 --> 0:35:36.200
<v Speaker 1>too scared to listen to myself. And I'm not even

0:35:36.200 --> 0:35:39.880
<v Speaker 1>gonna blame myself for that. I'm I I'm just gonna

0:35:40.040 --> 0:35:42.799
<v Speaker 1>learn the lesson and I'm gonna forgive myself for not

0:35:42.880 --> 0:35:47.160
<v Speaker 1>listening to myself, and then I'm gonna practice rebuilding a

0:35:47.239 --> 0:35:49.600
<v Speaker 1>connection and a trust with myself. And you can do

0:35:49.680 --> 0:35:54.920
<v Speaker 1>it you can. Yeah, it's actually really awesome. No, I mean,

0:35:54.960 --> 0:35:59.000
<v Speaker 1>it's definitely been fun to to do that because I

0:35:59.040 --> 0:36:01.080
<v Speaker 1>think I have not listen to my gut for so

0:36:01.120 --> 0:36:02.840
<v Speaker 1>many years in my life, and that's just been the

0:36:03.880 --> 0:36:06.360
<v Speaker 1>like the biggest, like you said, betrayal. But I also

0:36:06.760 --> 0:36:09.160
<v Speaker 1>it's you know, obviously working through some trauma pieces in

0:36:09.239 --> 0:36:12.160
<v Speaker 1>childhood and early relationships with like M d R with

0:36:12.200 --> 0:36:14.359
<v Speaker 1>my therapist, and it's been it's been really good. But yeah,

0:36:14.440 --> 0:36:18.680
<v Speaker 1>finding that worthiness that I am okay. I don't need

0:36:18.719 --> 0:36:21.960
<v Speaker 1>a validation from a man, I don't need um that

0:36:22.040 --> 0:36:24.200
<v Speaker 1>I'm okay alone, Like all those things have been a

0:36:24.280 --> 0:36:28.359
<v Speaker 1>true um blessing that has come out of this, like

0:36:28.440 --> 0:36:31.719
<v Speaker 1>the divorce um. And I'm still working on it, like

0:36:31.760 --> 0:36:35.040
<v Speaker 1>it's it's still I still have moments of um of

0:36:35.040 --> 0:36:37.520
<v Speaker 1>self doubt and the voices and all those things Like God,

0:36:37.560 --> 0:36:39.920
<v Speaker 1>of course who does it for It will be a

0:36:40.000 --> 0:36:44.560
<v Speaker 1>lifelong journey. And because what you're talking about is repairing

0:36:44.560 --> 0:36:50.600
<v Speaker 1>your nervous system from past trauma. And when your nervous

0:36:50.600 --> 0:36:55.560
<v Speaker 1>system is hardwired to react, it reacts before your brain does.

0:36:56.960 --> 0:36:59.080
<v Speaker 1>And one of the things that I write about in

0:36:59.160 --> 0:37:01.360
<v Speaker 1>this new book that I want you to start practicing

0:37:01.360 --> 0:37:03.080
<v Speaker 1>as this high five to your heart, and we can

0:37:03.120 --> 0:37:05.520
<v Speaker 1>get into this because I think that when I unpack

0:37:05.840 --> 0:37:11.759
<v Speaker 1>everything for you, you're going to have a moment where

0:37:11.800 --> 0:37:15.640
<v Speaker 1>you go, oh my god, like this is it. This

0:37:15.760 --> 0:37:32.759
<v Speaker 1>is foundational what Miles talking about. Before we get into

0:37:32.800 --> 0:37:34.640
<v Speaker 1>the high five thing, I just want to say one

0:37:34.680 --> 0:37:38.680
<v Speaker 1>thing that I the last and I was telling Catherine

0:37:38.719 --> 0:37:41.600
<v Speaker 1>this UM before you came on the last UM four

0:37:41.680 --> 0:37:45.319
<v Speaker 1>or five months post divorce. I have used five two

0:37:45.360 --> 0:37:50.240
<v Speaker 1>one almost daily because when I get into those moments

0:37:50.280 --> 0:37:53.000
<v Speaker 1>where I'm literally just staring at a wall, or I'm depressed,

0:37:53.040 --> 0:37:54.719
<v Speaker 1>or I'm missing my kids and because they're at their

0:37:54.800 --> 0:37:57.680
<v Speaker 1>dads or UM or I just don't even want to

0:37:57.680 --> 0:38:01.000
<v Speaker 1>get up, I have used three to one and it

0:38:01.600 --> 0:38:04.600
<v Speaker 1>it's been incredible how much it actually works and just

0:38:04.719 --> 0:38:07.360
<v Speaker 1>it gets you up, and I'm like, okay, and I

0:38:07.480 --> 0:38:09.480
<v Speaker 1>just thank you for that because we I know, we

0:38:09.520 --> 0:38:11.000
<v Speaker 1>talked about that, and you guys can listen to the

0:38:11.000 --> 0:38:14.400
<v Speaker 1>podcast where you know she she goes into one. But

0:38:14.440 --> 0:38:18.960
<v Speaker 1>it's incredible change of mindset that is so helpful when

0:38:18.960 --> 0:38:21.560
<v Speaker 1>you are just at your lowest. So I appreciate you

0:38:21.719 --> 0:38:24.960
<v Speaker 1>for that. Well, thank you for that, and thank you

0:38:25.000 --> 0:38:27.759
<v Speaker 1>for using it. And I want to tell you something

0:38:27.760 --> 0:38:31.480
<v Speaker 1>really exciting. So the five second rule, I mean, it's extraordinary.

0:38:31.640 --> 0:38:34.280
<v Speaker 1>It's it's so dumb, it's so simple, it's so easy.

0:38:34.600 --> 0:38:39.160
<v Speaker 1>It works, it's like weird. Um. The science behind it's crazy,

0:38:39.400 --> 0:38:42.239
<v Speaker 1>and um, you know, we know millions of people's lives

0:38:42.239 --> 0:38:44.480
<v Speaker 1>who have changed, including a hundred and eleven people who

0:38:44.480 --> 0:38:48.040
<v Speaker 1>have stopped themselves from attempting suicide by counting backwards five,

0:38:48.280 --> 0:38:50.759
<v Speaker 1>three to one and asking for help. And it is

0:38:50.800 --> 0:38:53.480
<v Speaker 1>a tool that will push you to interrupt thoughts that

0:38:53.520 --> 0:38:56.279
<v Speaker 1>are torturing you. It's a tool that will push you

0:38:56.320 --> 0:38:58.640
<v Speaker 1>to take action, push you to do the work to

0:38:59.680 --> 0:39:02.840
<v Speaker 1>change life. It's it's extraordinary as a tool that way.

0:39:03.400 --> 0:39:05.239
<v Speaker 1>But I need I need some more tools though, So

0:39:05.280 --> 0:39:06.759
<v Speaker 1>I want to hear. I want to I want to

0:39:06.800 --> 0:39:13.360
<v Speaker 1>tell you something. Even knowing all of that, I cannot

0:39:13.480 --> 0:39:17.080
<v Speaker 1>wait for you to truly understand and learn the high

0:39:17.080 --> 0:39:21.000
<v Speaker 1>five habit because I think it is even more profound,

0:39:21.840 --> 0:39:26.360
<v Speaker 1>it works even more deeply, and there is no mistake

0:39:26.520 --> 0:39:30.480
<v Speaker 1>in why we're talking today because it is exactly what

0:39:30.560 --> 0:39:34.640
<v Speaker 1>you need. And so let me tell you the story

0:39:34.680 --> 0:39:37.359
<v Speaker 1>of how this got created. Because again, you know, like

0:39:37.440 --> 0:39:40.480
<v Speaker 1>my brand of personal development is screw up my own life,

0:39:41.760 --> 0:39:45.120
<v Speaker 1>find myself at a hole? Word can ladder Like, like,

0:39:45.160 --> 0:39:49.319
<v Speaker 1>how do I get out of this? Yes? I can?

0:39:49.360 --> 0:39:52.399
<v Speaker 1>I just please be like somebody who reads this stuff

0:39:52.400 --> 0:39:53.759
<v Speaker 1>in a book and applies it. Why do I have

0:39:53.760 --> 0:39:55.799
<v Speaker 1>to pick up my life? Like I don't understand why

0:39:55.800 --> 0:39:58.000
<v Speaker 1>I have to make things so difficult? Thank you for doing?

0:39:59.440 --> 0:40:02.319
<v Speaker 1>Like I said. Situation where I'm like, Okay, it's been

0:40:02.400 --> 0:40:04.360
<v Speaker 1>five years since I have had a book out. I

0:40:04.400 --> 0:40:06.279
<v Speaker 1>guess I need to write a book about five you know.

0:40:06.320 --> 0:40:10.640
<v Speaker 1>But that's not what happened. Like I literally find myself

0:40:10.680 --> 0:40:13.400
<v Speaker 1>and this is not a pandemic book, but here's what

0:40:13.480 --> 0:40:16.360
<v Speaker 1>happens in my in my life, So I find myself.

0:40:16.400 --> 0:40:19.840
<v Speaker 1>We all have a quarantine story, right, We all know

0:40:19.920 --> 0:40:23.279
<v Speaker 1>the moment that your life imploded because of COVID and

0:40:23.320 --> 0:40:26.160
<v Speaker 1>you're like, okay, this is actually a thing, and my

0:40:26.200 --> 0:40:28.400
<v Speaker 1>whole life just changed. And for me, when was it that?

0:40:28.400 --> 0:40:32.880
<v Speaker 1>When was it that you knew? Oh, like COVID is

0:40:32.880 --> 0:40:35.239
<v Speaker 1>for real and my whole life just changed. When I

0:40:35.280 --> 0:40:39.319
<v Speaker 1>got sent home from the movie, yeah, production shutdown, and

0:40:39.360 --> 0:40:42.640
<v Speaker 1>I was like, well here we are, like we're all

0:40:42.760 --> 0:40:48.560
<v Speaker 1>locked down. Nanny went away. Never got one back, like yes, yes, yeah,

0:40:48.640 --> 0:40:51.319
<v Speaker 1>like whether it was an email from work that no

0:40:51.360 --> 0:40:54.640
<v Speaker 1>one's going to the office or you can't visit your grandparents. Uh,

0:40:54.680 --> 0:40:57.000
<v Speaker 1>you know, for me, it was very similar to yours.

0:40:57.080 --> 0:40:59.560
<v Speaker 1>We were filming my daytime talk show. Somebody walks in

0:40:59.600 --> 0:41:02.080
<v Speaker 1>the studio at CBS Broadcast Center and says, COVID is

0:41:02.080 --> 0:41:04.440
<v Speaker 1>in the building. You need to evacuate immediately, and like

0:41:04.520 --> 0:41:08.799
<v Speaker 1>that show canceled. I'm fired from my dream job. Don't

0:41:08.800 --> 0:41:10.640
<v Speaker 1>get to say goodbye to the hundred and thirty people

0:41:10.640 --> 0:41:13.120
<v Speaker 1>I've been working with for a year. I'm driving home.

0:41:13.600 --> 0:41:15.680
<v Speaker 1>Next thing, you know, my daughter's calling from Spain, where

0:41:15.680 --> 0:41:18.480
<v Speaker 1>she's studying abroad during college. Oh my god, they're closing

0:41:18.480 --> 0:41:20.000
<v Speaker 1>the borders. How am I going to get out of here?

0:41:20.000 --> 0:41:22.680
<v Speaker 1>And then my daughter calls from usc where she's a

0:41:22.760 --> 0:41:25.680
<v Speaker 1>music student. Oh my mom, they're shutting the door. What's

0:41:25.760 --> 0:41:28.560
<v Speaker 1>a all? Next thing, you know, the next three weeks

0:41:28.560 --> 0:41:30.919
<v Speaker 1>are a blur. I'm in my pajamas for three weeks straight.

0:41:30.920 --> 0:41:33.359
<v Speaker 1>I'm drinking bloody marries at eleven o'clock in the morning, Like,

0:41:33.400 --> 0:41:36.920
<v Speaker 1>I just have no idea. What's happening. Every speech is canceled,

0:41:36.960 --> 0:41:39.960
<v Speaker 1>a book contract gets canceled. I'm fired from and I'm thinking,

0:41:40.680 --> 0:41:46.279
<v Speaker 1>are you kidding me? After working this hard? I have

0:41:46.480 --> 0:41:51.279
<v Speaker 1>to reinvent myself again? Haven't we been through this? Come on? God? Like,

0:41:51.320 --> 0:41:54.840
<v Speaker 1>I'm literally so angry, and I'm also beaten down like

0:41:54.920 --> 0:41:57.319
<v Speaker 1>everybody else, Like I'm worried about the people that work

0:41:57.400 --> 0:41:59.879
<v Speaker 1>for me. I'm worried about making payroll. I'm worried about

0:41:59.920 --> 0:42:02.600
<v Speaker 1>my parents. I'm worried about frontline workers. I'm worried about

0:42:02.600 --> 0:42:07.400
<v Speaker 1>my kids who are anxiety stricken and angry and full

0:42:07.440 --> 0:42:10.400
<v Speaker 1>of grief. And college is imploded, and just the world

0:42:10.480 --> 0:42:12.960
<v Speaker 1>is upside down, and and I know everybody can relate

0:42:13.000 --> 0:42:15.719
<v Speaker 1>to this. So I wake up one morning and I

0:42:15.840 --> 0:42:17.760
<v Speaker 1>just feel the way of the world on my shoulders.

0:42:18.440 --> 0:42:22.360
<v Speaker 1>I am overwhelmed by the amount I have to do,

0:42:22.640 --> 0:42:25.719
<v Speaker 1>by the problems that I'm facing, by the stress that

0:42:25.800 --> 0:42:29.440
<v Speaker 1>I feel, by the loneliness that I feel. I use

0:42:29.520 --> 0:42:31.720
<v Speaker 1>the five second or five or three to one, even

0:42:31.800 --> 0:42:34.160
<v Speaker 1>thirteen years later, I don't like getting out of bed,

0:42:34.560 --> 0:42:36.640
<v Speaker 1>and I still use it every morning. And it's important

0:42:36.680 --> 0:42:38.719
<v Speaker 1>for everybody to know that, because I know we all

0:42:38.719 --> 0:42:41.120
<v Speaker 1>hear that. You know, if you practice something twenty one

0:42:41.200 --> 0:42:43.000
<v Speaker 1>days in a row, it's a habit. Well, that's true

0:42:43.000 --> 0:42:44.920
<v Speaker 1>if you like it. If you don't like what you

0:42:44.960 --> 0:42:47.799
<v Speaker 1>have to do, you gotta keep on pushing yourself. And

0:42:47.880 --> 0:42:50.080
<v Speaker 1>so five or three to one, I pushed myself out

0:42:50.080 --> 0:42:52.160
<v Speaker 1>of bed. I always make my bed. On that morning,

0:42:52.200 --> 0:42:54.239
<v Speaker 1>I made the bed so I wouldn't crawl back into it.

0:42:54.719 --> 0:42:56.920
<v Speaker 1>I dragged myself to the bathroom and there I am

0:42:57.000 --> 0:43:04.120
<v Speaker 1>standing in my underwear and I feel you'll exhausted, and

0:43:04.160 --> 0:43:06.560
<v Speaker 1>I'm brushing my teeth, and all of a sudden, I

0:43:06.640 --> 0:43:10.440
<v Speaker 1>catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror, and

0:43:10.520 --> 0:43:18.759
<v Speaker 1>I think, oh my god, you look like hell. And

0:43:18.800 --> 0:43:22.920
<v Speaker 1>the woman I saw in the mirror had dark circles

0:43:23.000 --> 0:43:26.120
<v Speaker 1>under her eyes, and a saggy neck, and one boobs

0:43:26.160 --> 0:43:29.920
<v Speaker 1>hanging lower than the other, and gray hair is coming in.

0:43:30.120 --> 0:43:36.680
<v Speaker 1>She looked tired, overwhelmed, beaten down. I actually felt sad

0:43:36.719 --> 0:43:40.520
<v Speaker 1>for her, and I started picking her apart. And then,

0:43:40.600 --> 0:43:43.560
<v Speaker 1>of course, once you start thinking a negative thought, your

0:43:43.560 --> 0:43:47.040
<v Speaker 1>thoughts just spiral even lower. I started like beating myself up.

0:43:47.080 --> 0:43:48.640
<v Speaker 1>Why to get up so late? I've got a zoom

0:43:48.640 --> 0:43:50.680
<v Speaker 1>call in eight minutes. How I'm gonna pull myself together?

0:43:51.040 --> 0:43:52.719
<v Speaker 1>I see the dog at my feet. I haven't even

0:43:52.719 --> 0:43:55.960
<v Speaker 1>walked the damn dog yet. And here's the interesting thing.

0:43:57.080 --> 0:44:01.000
<v Speaker 1>If you had walked into the bathroom at that moment,

0:44:01.560 --> 0:44:03.680
<v Speaker 1>I could have pivoted on a dime. I would have

0:44:03.680 --> 0:44:06.120
<v Speaker 1>been like, honey, oh come on, I know this isn't fair,

0:44:06.160 --> 0:44:09.000
<v Speaker 1>I know this sucks. I know you don't deserve it,

0:44:09.520 --> 0:44:12.959
<v Speaker 1>but if anybody can handle it, it's you. I would

0:44:12.960 --> 0:44:14.920
<v Speaker 1>have picked you up. I would have sent you on

0:44:15.000 --> 0:44:20.960
<v Speaker 1>your way. But standing there with myself, I couldn't think

0:44:21.000 --> 0:44:23.359
<v Speaker 1>of a damn thing to say. And you know what,

0:44:24.800 --> 0:44:28.360
<v Speaker 1>I probably wouldn't have believed it anyway. That's how beaten

0:44:28.400 --> 0:44:31.879
<v Speaker 1>down I felt. And I don't know what came over me,

0:44:33.560 --> 0:44:39.040
<v Speaker 1>but I literally raised my hand, as cheesy as it sounds,

0:44:39.080 --> 0:44:41.120
<v Speaker 1>and I high five the woman I saw in the

0:44:41.160 --> 0:44:44.640
<v Speaker 1>mirror because I knew she needed it. And here's the thing.

0:44:45.719 --> 0:44:49.560
<v Speaker 1>It's not like lightning stroke and I suddenly, oh, like

0:44:49.719 --> 0:44:53.720
<v Speaker 1>changed my life. That's not what happened. But something shifted

0:44:53.800 --> 0:44:56.640
<v Speaker 1>like my I felt my shoulders drop, I felt my

0:44:56.719 --> 0:45:00.200
<v Speaker 1>chin lift. I laughed because it's so dumb, like I'm

0:45:00.239 --> 0:45:02.359
<v Speaker 1>standing there in my underwearth a dog and I'm never

0:45:02.520 --> 0:45:05.680
<v Speaker 1>brawn and I'm high fiving, like how pathetic is this?

0:45:07.000 --> 0:45:10.279
<v Speaker 1>But I laugh and all of a sudden, I just

0:45:10.400 --> 0:45:14.160
<v Speaker 1>feel a little better and I go on with my day. Now.

0:45:14.160 --> 0:45:18.759
<v Speaker 1>It was the second morning that something really clicked for me.

0:45:20.040 --> 0:45:23.759
<v Speaker 1>I woke up, same overwhelmed, same problems. I used the

0:45:23.760 --> 0:45:25.440
<v Speaker 1>five second or five or three too, want to get

0:45:25.440 --> 0:45:28.520
<v Speaker 1>out of bed. I make my bed, I start walking

0:45:28.560 --> 0:45:30.640
<v Speaker 1>to the bathroom, and as I'm about to round the

0:45:30.640 --> 0:45:35.440
<v Speaker 1>corner and step into the bathroom, I feel something I

0:45:35.600 --> 0:45:42.880
<v Speaker 1>have never ever felt before. And this is what I felt.

0:45:44.040 --> 0:45:46.320
<v Speaker 1>You know how when you go and you're going to

0:45:46.440 --> 0:45:48.960
<v Speaker 1>meet a friend for a cup of coffee, somebody you

0:45:49.040 --> 0:45:54.040
<v Speaker 1>really like, and you're about to walk into the coffee

0:45:54.040 --> 0:45:57.680
<v Speaker 1>shop to see this person you really like, What is

0:45:57.719 --> 0:46:02.080
<v Speaker 1>it that you feel happy a friend just to see

0:46:02.080 --> 0:46:05.600
<v Speaker 1>a friend? Yeah, Like you're like, oh friend, Yeah, you're

0:46:05.600 --> 0:46:11.680
<v Speaker 1>excited looking forward to it. I felt that way about

0:46:11.719 --> 0:46:17.560
<v Speaker 1>the idea of seeing myself. You're being a friend here,

0:46:17.600 --> 0:46:20.719
<v Speaker 1>so yeah, I'm gonna be fifty three years old this year.

0:46:22.640 --> 0:46:24.680
<v Speaker 1>I have never felt that before. In my entire life,

0:46:27.040 --> 0:46:30.240
<v Speaker 1>I have looked forward to seeing my outfit, we're seeing

0:46:30.239 --> 0:46:34.440
<v Speaker 1>my hairstyle or how the new eye shadow looks. I

0:46:34.520 --> 0:46:39.440
<v Speaker 1>have never experienced the feeling of looking forward to seeing

0:46:39.480 --> 0:46:43.240
<v Speaker 1>the human being. Mel Robbins. Do you think it's because

0:46:43.239 --> 0:46:47.480
<v Speaker 1>we always carry our shame or we carry our past

0:46:47.840 --> 0:46:49.920
<v Speaker 1>and we're like, oh, we're not worthy enough, we're not

0:46:49.960 --> 0:46:51.880
<v Speaker 1>good enough, we're not like it's all the negative voices

0:46:51.880 --> 0:46:53.919
<v Speaker 1>that we've put on us that like, why why would

0:46:53.920 --> 0:46:56.080
<v Speaker 1>I want to be me friend? Catherine wants to be

0:46:56.080 --> 0:46:59.359
<v Speaker 1>my friend, but I don't want to be my friend. Yeah, why,

0:46:59.440 --> 0:47:02.640
<v Speaker 1>I think it's those so deep? I think it is

0:47:02.680 --> 0:47:04.759
<v Speaker 1>so deep. I think we have a habit that we

0:47:04.760 --> 0:47:08.520
<v Speaker 1>don't realize. Everybody talks about morning routines. Will you have one?

0:47:09.360 --> 0:47:11.720
<v Speaker 1>You stand in front of yourself and you either ignore

0:47:11.760 --> 0:47:18.360
<v Speaker 1>yourself or you beat the out of yourself. That's your habit,

0:47:18.440 --> 0:47:21.600
<v Speaker 1>that's your relationship with yourself. That's what everybody on the

0:47:21.600 --> 0:47:25.840
<v Speaker 1>planet does. And so as I walked into the bathroom

0:47:25.880 --> 0:47:30.080
<v Speaker 1>that morning, this whole idea of the high five felt

0:47:30.080 --> 0:47:33.560
<v Speaker 1>a little bit more profound. And so I finished brushing

0:47:33.600 --> 0:47:35.719
<v Speaker 1>my teeth and I and I want you know, when

0:47:35.719 --> 0:47:38.000
<v Speaker 1>you practice this, do it right after you brush your teeth,

0:47:38.000 --> 0:47:40.280
<v Speaker 1>because based on the research, when you stack a habit

0:47:40.320 --> 0:47:42.520
<v Speaker 1>with some a new habit with something you're already doing,

0:47:43.120 --> 0:47:46.279
<v Speaker 1>it's way easier for your brain to remember it, to

0:47:46.440 --> 0:47:48.880
<v Speaker 1>encode it in your neural pathways, and to make it

0:47:49.000 --> 0:47:52.120
<v Speaker 1>something you always do. And so I put the toothbrush

0:47:52.120 --> 0:47:54.560
<v Speaker 1>down and I take a minute, and I'm just staring

0:47:54.560 --> 0:47:57.239
<v Speaker 1>at myself and I'm not even seeing my face or

0:47:57.280 --> 0:47:59.480
<v Speaker 1>my body. I'm just seeing the human being the woman

0:47:59.480 --> 0:48:01.759
<v Speaker 1>that is re flected back in the mirror. And it's

0:48:01.760 --> 0:48:04.719
<v Speaker 1>a very intimate moment. And what I've found in researching

0:48:04.960 --> 0:48:09.000
<v Speaker 1>now this book is how startling it is how many

0:48:09.040 --> 0:48:13.719
<v Speaker 1>people don't even and can't even look at themselves. And

0:48:13.800 --> 0:48:18.000
<v Speaker 1>so I thought to myself, and this is the first

0:48:18.040 --> 0:48:19.480
<v Speaker 1>thing that you're going to do when you practice this,

0:48:19.760 --> 0:48:21.960
<v Speaker 1>is look at the human being that's staring back at you,

0:48:21.960 --> 0:48:24.640
<v Speaker 1>because that's the person you go through life with. There's

0:48:24.680 --> 0:48:26.560
<v Speaker 1>only one human being you spend your whole life with,

0:48:26.719 --> 0:48:30.840
<v Speaker 1>and they're with you every morning in the mirror, and

0:48:30.880 --> 0:48:35.440
<v Speaker 1>they need you. They need your support, they need your encouragement,

0:48:35.520 --> 0:48:37.799
<v Speaker 1>they need you to cheer for them. They need to

0:48:37.840 --> 0:48:39.759
<v Speaker 1>be seen, they need to be felt, they need to

0:48:39.800 --> 0:48:43.120
<v Speaker 1>be heard, and you have spent almost your whole life

0:48:43.120 --> 0:48:48.200
<v Speaker 1>ignoring them. And so I want you to think, for

0:48:48.239 --> 0:48:52.240
<v Speaker 1>just a second, what does the woman in the mirror

0:48:52.400 --> 0:48:54.960
<v Speaker 1>need for me today? How do I need to show

0:48:55.080 --> 0:48:58.239
<v Speaker 1>up for her? And it's an interesting way to set

0:48:58.280 --> 0:49:00.520
<v Speaker 1>an intention because normally, as you think about the day ahead,

0:49:00.520 --> 0:49:01.920
<v Speaker 1>you're thinking about all the things you need to do,

0:49:01.960 --> 0:49:04.799
<v Speaker 1>which are typically for everybody else. I want you to

0:49:04.840 --> 0:49:08.840
<v Speaker 1>take an intentional moment of reflection with you, and research

0:49:08.880 --> 0:49:11.799
<v Speaker 1>from Harvard shows that simply reflecting on how you're going

0:49:11.840 --> 0:49:14.920
<v Speaker 1>to show up today for less than a minute, it

0:49:15.080 --> 0:49:18.040
<v Speaker 1>changes your level of focus and productivity, and it changes

0:49:18.160 --> 0:49:20.840
<v Speaker 1>how you show up and your ability to impact people

0:49:20.880 --> 0:49:24.640
<v Speaker 1>around you, including yourself. So ask yourself, how can you

0:49:24.680 --> 0:49:26.239
<v Speaker 1>show up for the person that you see in the

0:49:26.239 --> 0:49:28.759
<v Speaker 1>mirror today? And then secondly, ask yourself, what game are

0:49:28.800 --> 0:49:31.200
<v Speaker 1>we going to play today? Like what matters to me

0:49:31.880 --> 0:49:34.480
<v Speaker 1>that I can make a little progress on? And then

0:49:34.520 --> 0:49:37.040
<v Speaker 1>once you kind of think about that, just raise your

0:49:37.080 --> 0:49:40.360
<v Speaker 1>hand and seal it with a high five. Now here's

0:49:40.400 --> 0:49:47.560
<v Speaker 1>the interesting thing about this. The science on this is crazy, absolutely,

0:49:47.960 --> 0:49:52.880
<v Speaker 1>Like you cannot believe how incredible of an idea this is.

0:49:52.880 --> 0:49:55.720
<v Speaker 1>Because I'm about to prove to you that you don't

0:49:55.760 --> 0:49:58.440
<v Speaker 1>have to do anything other than raise your hand in

0:49:58.520 --> 0:50:01.200
<v Speaker 1>high five yourself. You don't have to didn't anything, say anything,

0:50:01.239 --> 0:50:04.960
<v Speaker 1>You don't have to do anything. Your entire nervous system,

0:50:05.040 --> 0:50:10.080
<v Speaker 1>your heart, and your brain are already programmed to receive

0:50:10.640 --> 0:50:14.520
<v Speaker 1>this new like programming. I'm gonna give you. It's incredible.

0:50:15.360 --> 0:50:18.600
<v Speaker 1>So here's what's gonna here's what's gonna happen. First of all,

0:50:18.680 --> 0:50:21.279
<v Speaker 1>when you first do this tomorrow morning, you gotta give

0:50:21.320 --> 0:50:23.239
<v Speaker 1>me five days of doing this in a row. You

0:50:23.280 --> 0:50:25.520
<v Speaker 1>cannot do this for one day and then roll your eyes.

0:50:25.840 --> 0:50:28.840
<v Speaker 1>I'm gonna be with you so because we're going away,

0:50:28.960 --> 0:50:31.440
<v Speaker 1>so we're like, I'm gonna I want to watch you

0:50:31.480 --> 0:50:33.480
<v Speaker 1>in the mirror and do it too. Okay, you gotta

0:50:33.520 --> 0:50:37.480
<v Speaker 1>do this five days in a row. Because number one,

0:50:37.520 --> 0:50:39.680
<v Speaker 1>it's gonna feel weird. And let me explain to you,

0:50:39.719 --> 0:50:44.359
<v Speaker 1>based on using neuroscience, why it will feel weird. Your

0:50:44.400 --> 0:50:47.640
<v Speaker 1>brain is not wired to do new things. Your brain

0:50:47.719 --> 0:50:49.480
<v Speaker 1>loves patterns. This is why you and I were talking

0:50:49.520 --> 0:50:52.840
<v Speaker 1>about patterns last time. And so I write, I'm a

0:50:52.920 --> 0:50:55.200
<v Speaker 1>right hander. I don't even think when I'm writing with

0:50:55.200 --> 0:50:58.600
<v Speaker 1>my right hand because it's already a pattern. I could

0:50:58.880 --> 0:51:01.440
<v Speaker 1>write with my left hand, but how would it feel

0:51:02.120 --> 0:51:05.480
<v Speaker 1>weird because I've never done it before. But if I

0:51:05.560 --> 0:51:07.600
<v Speaker 1>kept writing with my right hand, Let's say I lost

0:51:07.640 --> 0:51:09.360
<v Speaker 1>my arm in an accident, I could learn how to

0:51:09.360 --> 0:51:12.239
<v Speaker 1>write with my left hand, and over time, by repeating it,

0:51:12.239 --> 0:51:14.600
<v Speaker 1>it would become the second nature and wouldn't feel weird.

0:51:15.040 --> 0:51:17.080
<v Speaker 1>So the high five is going to feel weird in

0:51:17.120 --> 0:51:20.399
<v Speaker 1>your body because you've never done it before, and in fact,

0:51:20.520 --> 0:51:24.120
<v Speaker 1>you're breaking a habit. That's the opposite of high fiving yourself.

0:51:24.160 --> 0:51:28.719
<v Speaker 1>You are literally breaking the habit of criticizing yourself. So

0:51:29.040 --> 0:51:32.200
<v Speaker 1>the cool thing is that when you go to raise

0:51:32.239 --> 0:51:36.160
<v Speaker 1>your hand and high five your own reflection, your brain

0:51:36.840 --> 0:51:41.319
<v Speaker 1>will kick into a subconscious mode. So let's talk about

0:51:41.360 --> 0:51:43.359
<v Speaker 1>a high five. When you give somebody a high five.

0:51:43.400 --> 0:51:45.400
<v Speaker 1>When you're like high five and your kids or a

0:51:45.400 --> 0:51:47.640
<v Speaker 1>friend high fives you, what is a high five? The

0:51:47.760 --> 0:51:52.840
<v Speaker 1>gesture alone communicate to you, good job, you're awesome. You

0:51:52.920 --> 0:51:56.480
<v Speaker 1>do that to me every time. I so, so when

0:51:56.480 --> 0:51:59.840
<v Speaker 1>she high fives you, what does it feel? I know

0:52:00.400 --> 0:52:02.160
<v Speaker 1>you do, I know, It's like I don't know. It

0:52:02.239 --> 0:52:05.600
<v Speaker 1>feels very validating. It feels very like you know, it

0:52:05.600 --> 0:52:08.960
<v Speaker 1>feels good. Yeah, it's I believe in you, I see

0:52:09.000 --> 0:52:12.080
<v Speaker 1>you keep going. I love you. If somebody's going down

0:52:12.160 --> 0:52:14.279
<v Speaker 1>and our attitude or energy is low and you high five,

0:52:14.320 --> 0:52:16.200
<v Speaker 1>somebody's like, shug it off, come on, we got this.

0:52:16.640 --> 0:52:21.520
<v Speaker 1>It's celebratory, it's empowering. It's it's positive, it is supportive,

0:52:21.719 --> 0:52:26.040
<v Speaker 1>it's validating. You said the word. It validates your most

0:52:26.160 --> 0:52:29.640
<v Speaker 1>foundational needs of being seen, of being loved, being celebrated.

0:52:29.680 --> 0:52:33.920
<v Speaker 1>It feels so good. All of that positive programming associated

0:52:33.920 --> 0:52:35.680
<v Speaker 1>with a high five that you've given to other people,

0:52:35.800 --> 0:52:38.640
<v Speaker 1>it's already in your brain. So when you raise your

0:52:38.680 --> 0:52:42.280
<v Speaker 1>hand to your own reflection, your brain recognizes the gesturing

0:52:42.520 --> 0:52:46.520
<v Speaker 1>and you cannot think, I suck, I screwed up my marriage,

0:52:46.920 --> 0:52:49.280
<v Speaker 1>my kids are ruined. You can't even think it because

0:52:49.280 --> 0:52:53.000
<v Speaker 1>your brain won't allow it because forever it has associated

0:52:53.040 --> 0:52:56.080
<v Speaker 1>that positive stuff with the gesture. So the more you

0:52:56.160 --> 0:52:59.240
<v Speaker 1>do it, you silence the stuff you say to yourself,

0:52:59.719 --> 0:53:03.680
<v Speaker 1>and you override it and program in all the positive

0:53:03.680 --> 0:53:06.480
<v Speaker 1>stuff associated with a high five with the person in

0:53:06.480 --> 0:53:09.680
<v Speaker 1>the mirror. And that's not all. You get a boost

0:53:09.680 --> 0:53:12.279
<v Speaker 1>in your mood. Now. Dr Daniel Aiman, who is the

0:53:12.280 --> 0:53:16.120
<v Speaker 1>world's leading expert on the brain. I talked to him

0:53:16.160 --> 0:53:18.200
<v Speaker 1>for two hours about the high five habit. He went bananas.

0:53:18.239 --> 0:53:21.000
<v Speaker 1>He's like, mel l, do you know why you get

0:53:21.000 --> 0:53:23.640
<v Speaker 1>a boost in your mood? I said no. He said, well,

0:53:23.719 --> 0:53:27.040
<v Speaker 1>because when somebody high fives you in life, you get

0:53:27.040 --> 0:53:29.279
<v Speaker 1>a drip of dopamine, the chemical in your brain that

0:53:29.280 --> 0:53:31.960
<v Speaker 1>makes you feel good. When you high five yourself, your

0:53:31.960 --> 0:53:36.120
<v Speaker 1>brain does the same thing because the action is already programmed,

0:53:36.440 --> 0:53:38.600
<v Speaker 1>is something that you know and do in your brain.

0:53:39.640 --> 0:53:42.239
<v Speaker 1>The other thing that happens when you keep doing this

0:53:42.920 --> 0:53:45.680
<v Speaker 1>for more than five days is you will start to

0:53:45.719 --> 0:53:48.719
<v Speaker 1>feel a little jolt of energy. And Dr Daniel Aiman

0:53:48.760 --> 0:53:52.239
<v Speaker 1>explained why to me too. He said, because when you

0:53:52.440 --> 0:53:56.359
<v Speaker 1>raise your hand and wave at somebody, it's a positive celebration.

0:53:56.360 --> 0:53:58.080
<v Speaker 1>When you raise your arms to hug somebody, it's a

0:53:58.120 --> 0:54:00.520
<v Speaker 1>positive celebration. When you raise your arm when you cross

0:54:00.560 --> 0:54:03.040
<v Speaker 1>the finish line, it's a positive celebration. When you go

0:54:03.080 --> 0:54:05.319
<v Speaker 1>to high five somebody and raise your arm, it's a

0:54:05.320 --> 0:54:08.800
<v Speaker 1>positive celebration. When you start to do this every single morning,

0:54:08.800 --> 0:54:13.040
<v Speaker 1>you're nervous system, it's like, oh, of course, it's a

0:54:13.040 --> 0:54:17.840
<v Speaker 1>positive celebration of self, and so your nervous system gives

0:54:17.840 --> 0:54:22.160
<v Speaker 1>you that feel good, energizing jolt. That's why it immediately

0:54:22.239 --> 0:54:25.120
<v Speaker 1>makes you feel like you're leaving the bathroom with a

0:54:25.120 --> 0:54:27.720
<v Speaker 1>little bit of momentum to go face the day instead

0:54:27.719 --> 0:54:32.080
<v Speaker 1>of dragging all your problems with you. It's incredible. Yeah,

0:54:32.080 --> 0:54:36.439
<v Speaker 1>And I like where you say to um, because if

0:54:36.440 --> 0:54:38.520
<v Speaker 1>I was to ask myself what I need, Like if

0:54:38.560 --> 0:54:39.480
<v Speaker 1>I was to look in the mirror and be like,

0:54:39.560 --> 0:54:42.319
<v Speaker 1>what do you need today, Like, I'd like, just like

0:54:42.440 --> 0:54:45.120
<v Speaker 1>love me, like just like be kind to me, be

0:54:45.239 --> 0:54:47.920
<v Speaker 1>nice to me, like love me. And it's like when

0:54:48.000 --> 0:54:49.720
<v Speaker 1>you start to like be like, all right, I got you,

0:54:49.719 --> 0:54:52.399
<v Speaker 1>you know, it's like you're actually being your friend. You're

0:54:53.080 --> 0:54:55.600
<v Speaker 1>you're being you know how I am for my friends

0:54:55.600 --> 0:54:59.359
<v Speaker 1>are like and it's crazy that we don't. We're where

0:54:59.400 --> 0:55:02.960
<v Speaker 1>the we're the worse with ourselves. Let me just let

0:55:02.960 --> 0:55:06.000
<v Speaker 1>me just say that, Like she is so good at

0:55:06.000 --> 0:55:08.919
<v Speaker 1>doing that for other people, of course, I mean by

0:55:09.000 --> 0:55:12.759
<v Speaker 1>far the best. I think it's now, like she said,

0:55:12.840 --> 0:55:14.279
<v Speaker 1>you can do it for other people, but then doing

0:55:14.280 --> 0:55:17.480
<v Speaker 1>it for yourself is so important. Nobody has trained you have,

0:55:18.600 --> 0:55:21.480
<v Speaker 1>no one, nobody on the planet knows how to do

0:55:21.520 --> 0:55:27.359
<v Speaker 1>this for themselves. See, we were born celebrating ourselves. You know,

0:55:27.520 --> 0:55:29.480
<v Speaker 1>if you think about when your kids were really little

0:55:29.520 --> 0:55:31.239
<v Speaker 1>and they saw a mirror, they'd crawl right up to

0:55:31.280 --> 0:55:33.480
<v Speaker 1>it and kissed themselves. They wouldn't roll backwards and be like,

0:55:33.520 --> 0:55:36.120
<v Speaker 1>look at those size, there's so bad. And my son

0:55:36.280 --> 0:55:38.319
<v Speaker 1>Jay's just like he learned how to like climb up

0:55:38.360 --> 0:55:40.200
<v Speaker 1>this wall, and he got up from this little wall

0:55:40.239 --> 0:55:43.000
<v Speaker 1>climb and he starts clapping at himself, and I was like, yeah, buddy,

0:55:43.160 --> 0:55:48.759
<v Speaker 1>you did it. Yeah, exactly Exactly what happens is is

0:55:48.800 --> 0:55:51.320
<v Speaker 1>that for many people, you grew up in a household

0:55:51.360 --> 0:55:53.880
<v Speaker 1>where you're not safe, or where there's a tremendous chaos,

0:55:54.040 --> 0:55:57.080
<v Speaker 1>or where you have to like start to cope in

0:55:57.160 --> 0:56:00.920
<v Speaker 1>ways that make you go silent, or what happens with

0:56:00.960 --> 0:56:04.279
<v Speaker 1>everybody as we've all had the experience of taking a

0:56:04.320 --> 0:56:07.640
<v Speaker 1>tray and walking into a Cafeterian elementary school and seeing

0:56:07.680 --> 0:56:09.520
<v Speaker 1>a bunch of kids you want to go sit with,

0:56:10.200 --> 0:56:13.200
<v Speaker 1>and then what happens is you become your own sorting hat,

0:56:13.960 --> 0:56:17.839
<v Speaker 1>and as a means to protect yourself from rejection, you

0:56:17.880 --> 0:56:20.839
<v Speaker 1>basically start the negative self talk. You start to tell

0:56:20.880 --> 0:56:23.319
<v Speaker 1>yourself where you belong and where you don't. You start

0:56:23.360 --> 0:56:25.480
<v Speaker 1>to pick yourself apart and then say, so, go over

0:56:25.520 --> 0:56:27.239
<v Speaker 1>here because you don't have the genes that they're wearing.

0:56:27.320 --> 0:56:29.640
<v Speaker 1>Or go over there because your skin color isn't the same,

0:56:29.719 --> 0:56:32.000
<v Speaker 1>or go here because you don't belong there. And so

0:56:32.160 --> 0:56:35.720
<v Speaker 1>that's how it begins, through self rejection, and it happens

0:56:35.800 --> 0:56:39.759
<v Speaker 1>over and over and over again. And that's why there

0:56:39.800 --> 0:56:42.880
<v Speaker 1>are only two reactions that people have to this. You

0:56:43.040 --> 0:56:47.000
<v Speaker 1>either start doing it and you'll start crying because you'll

0:56:47.040 --> 0:56:51.360
<v Speaker 1>realize how much you've longed to feel this way, or

0:56:53.080 --> 0:56:56.040
<v Speaker 1>more likely, you're going to resist it. And this is

0:56:56.080 --> 0:56:58.520
<v Speaker 1>the sad part, and this is what you were talking

0:56:58.560 --> 0:57:03.040
<v Speaker 1>about just a second ago. The resistance is something that's horrible.

0:57:03.880 --> 0:57:06.080
<v Speaker 1>The resistance is the fact that when you stand in

0:57:06.120 --> 0:57:09.680
<v Speaker 1>front of yourself every morning in the mirror, you drag

0:57:09.760 --> 0:57:13.720
<v Speaker 1>with you everything from your past. You believe that because

0:57:13.719 --> 0:57:16.960
<v Speaker 1>of all the things that you've survived, the abuse, the trauma,

0:57:17.280 --> 0:57:20.120
<v Speaker 1>the heartbreak, the neglect, whatever it is that you've faced,

0:57:20.640 --> 0:57:23.680
<v Speaker 1>that somehow that's evidence that you're unworthy or damaged or

0:57:23.760 --> 0:57:27.960
<v Speaker 1>broken or whatever you say. Or you take all the

0:57:28.000 --> 0:57:30.840
<v Speaker 1>things that you've done that, you regret that. You can't

0:57:30.840 --> 0:57:33.400
<v Speaker 1>forgive yourself for that you just did because you were

0:57:33.400 --> 0:57:35.720
<v Speaker 1>trying to survive all those things you would forgive other

0:57:35.760 --> 0:57:38.439
<v Speaker 1>people for. But you can't look yourself in the mirror

0:57:38.480 --> 0:57:41.520
<v Speaker 1>and forgive yourself because you see that as evidence that

0:57:41.560 --> 0:57:44.920
<v Speaker 1>you're a bad person. And then you stand there in judgment,

0:57:45.000 --> 0:57:47.560
<v Speaker 1>which is why you're going to resist this. And what

0:57:47.640 --> 0:57:50.120
<v Speaker 1>I'm here to say, and what I want every human

0:57:50.160 --> 0:57:52.640
<v Speaker 1>being on this planet to know, is that if you

0:57:52.680 --> 0:57:55.640
<v Speaker 1>can drag yourself out of bed, if you can stand

0:57:55.640 --> 0:57:58.520
<v Speaker 1>before the mirror and you're still breathing in spite of

0:57:58.560 --> 0:58:02.200
<v Speaker 1>all that stuff, and you're still here trying another day

0:58:02.200 --> 0:58:05.320
<v Speaker 1>to do just a little bit better, you not only

0:58:05.400 --> 0:58:10.400
<v Speaker 1>deserve a high five, you've earned one. You need one.

0:58:11.320 --> 0:58:15.080
<v Speaker 1>You know, life is a marathon. And if you ever

0:58:15.240 --> 0:58:19.200
<v Speaker 1>watch a marathon, the spectators don't cross their arms and

0:58:19.280 --> 0:58:22.120
<v Speaker 1>stand at mile eight and go, I'm not clapping for

0:58:22.160 --> 0:58:24.480
<v Speaker 1>you till you get to the finish line. You look terrible.

0:58:25.240 --> 0:58:28.000
<v Speaker 1>You see how lame that timing was for mile five.

0:58:28.960 --> 0:58:31.960
<v Speaker 1>I think you're a runner. You shouldn't even be in

0:58:32.000 --> 0:58:35.200
<v Speaker 1>this race. We don't do that. We clap and cheer

0:58:35.320 --> 0:58:37.400
<v Speaker 1>just like your son, and we high five them every

0:58:37.480 --> 0:58:42.120
<v Speaker 1>step of the way. Why because the most motivating force

0:58:42.440 --> 0:58:47.840
<v Speaker 1>on the planet is feeling seen, celebrated and supported, and

0:58:47.920 --> 0:58:51.320
<v Speaker 1>that's what we all need every single step of the way.

0:58:51.600 --> 0:58:55.440
<v Speaker 1>And there's another reason why we don't resist we resist this,

0:58:56.000 --> 0:58:59.680
<v Speaker 1>and the reason is sad. It's because we've been trained.

0:59:00.000 --> 0:59:03.360
<v Speaker 1>You believe that our worth is measured by whether or

0:59:03.360 --> 0:59:06.360
<v Speaker 1>not somebody else loves us. Are worth is measured by

0:59:06.400 --> 0:59:09.080
<v Speaker 1>whether or not we have the followers, or the right car,

0:59:09.240 --> 0:59:11.560
<v Speaker 1>or the right number on the scale, or the right

0:59:12.000 --> 0:59:14.360
<v Speaker 1>money in the bank, or you know, if you're not

0:59:14.480 --> 0:59:18.080
<v Speaker 1>where you think you should be, that you don't deserve

0:59:18.120 --> 0:59:22.200
<v Speaker 1>a high five. And so part of your healing and

0:59:22.320 --> 0:59:26.840
<v Speaker 1>part of you finding your power again is going to

0:59:27.080 --> 0:59:29.760
<v Speaker 1>happen when you can stand in front of that mirror

0:59:30.040 --> 0:59:33.320
<v Speaker 1>and you can raise your hand and you can celebrate

0:59:33.360 --> 0:59:37.640
<v Speaker 1>and support yourself exactly where you are right now. You

0:59:37.680 --> 0:59:40.360
<v Speaker 1>can see a human being who's trying to heal, you

0:59:40.400 --> 0:59:43.080
<v Speaker 1>can support her every step of the way. You can

0:59:43.080 --> 0:59:45.440
<v Speaker 1>forgive yourself for the times that you didn't listen to

0:59:45.480 --> 0:59:48.439
<v Speaker 1>yourself because you didn't know any better, and you can

0:59:48.480 --> 0:59:51.200
<v Speaker 1>celebrate yourself as you wake up every day and you

0:59:51.280 --> 0:59:54.360
<v Speaker 1>try to do just a little bit better. You start

0:59:54.400 --> 0:59:58.840
<v Speaker 1>to do that, your relationship with your self changes. The

0:59:58.960 --> 1:00:01.920
<v Speaker 1>power that you're seeing can the validation that you deserve

1:00:01.960 --> 1:00:05.600
<v Speaker 1>and need. It gets located back inside you. And let

1:00:05.600 --> 1:00:07.760
<v Speaker 1>me tell you something I don't give you. When you're

1:00:07.760 --> 1:00:11.520
<v Speaker 1>ready to start dating, when you are able to feel

1:00:11.600 --> 1:00:15.080
<v Speaker 1>loved and seen and validated by yourself, you're not gonna

1:00:15.160 --> 1:00:19.000
<v Speaker 1>let any motherfucker screw around with you because you will

1:00:19.040 --> 1:00:21.960
<v Speaker 1>have your own back. You will be able to listen

1:00:22.360 --> 1:00:25.360
<v Speaker 1>when that wisdom rises up. You are not going to

1:00:25.360 --> 1:00:29.680
<v Speaker 1>tolerate being treated with disrespect because you are respecting yourself

1:00:29.760 --> 1:00:33.680
<v Speaker 1>every morning. It begins with you. And so I am

1:00:33.800 --> 1:00:37.640
<v Speaker 1>so excited for you to start doing this for real

1:00:37.880 --> 1:00:41.280
<v Speaker 1>because it sounds cheesy, but I am telling you this

1:00:41.360 --> 1:00:46.560
<v Speaker 1>cuts down to the deepest, most foundational thing that everybody needs.

1:00:47.240 --> 1:00:50.160
<v Speaker 1>And where can everybody? Is out now on Amazon? Or

1:00:50.200 --> 1:00:53.120
<v Speaker 1>is it coming out? Oh it's you can get it.

1:00:53.120 --> 1:00:55.240
<v Speaker 1>It's in twenty two languages. You can I don't know

1:00:55.280 --> 1:00:57.760
<v Speaker 1>when this is airing, but yes, you can order it

1:00:57.840 --> 1:01:01.480
<v Speaker 1>right now. You can order it in multiple format. Um.

1:01:01.480 --> 1:01:03.600
<v Speaker 1>It's it's super exciting and I don't know if we

1:01:03.640 --> 1:01:05.760
<v Speaker 1>have time to, but I want to teach you that

1:01:06.080 --> 1:01:11.480
<v Speaker 1>this other thing of high five in your hearts. This now,

1:01:11.800 --> 1:01:13.840
<v Speaker 1>you put your hands on the center of your chest.

1:01:14.000 --> 1:01:16.760
<v Speaker 1>I'm right there on top of each other. You're gonna

1:01:16.800 --> 1:01:21.640
<v Speaker 1>take a deep breath, and then you're going to repeat

1:01:21.680 --> 1:01:27.680
<v Speaker 1>these three sentences. Okay, I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm safe,

1:01:28.160 --> 1:01:34.280
<v Speaker 1>I'm safe, I'm loved, I'm I'm loved. Why don't you

1:01:34.280 --> 1:01:37.720
<v Speaker 1>say those three again? I started crying. Go ahead, take

1:01:37.720 --> 1:01:42.240
<v Speaker 1>a deep breath and do it again. I'm okay, I'm safe,

1:01:42.480 --> 1:01:46.680
<v Speaker 1>I'm loved. Now. The reason why I want you to

1:01:46.680 --> 1:01:49.080
<v Speaker 1>do this right after you get out of bed is

1:01:49.120 --> 1:01:52.000
<v Speaker 1>because after the last eighteen months, every human being on

1:01:52.040 --> 1:01:55.560
<v Speaker 1>the planet has a stressed out, on edge nervous system.

1:01:55.600 --> 1:01:59.320
<v Speaker 1>Your sympathetic nervous system is running on overdrive. It is

1:01:59.320 --> 1:02:02.040
<v Speaker 1>impossible to learn new behavior. It is impossible to get

1:02:02.080 --> 1:02:04.800
<v Speaker 1>your prefrontal cortex to be able to focus on anything

1:02:05.560 --> 1:02:08.600
<v Speaker 1>when your nervous system is on edge. When your nervous

1:02:08.600 --> 1:02:12.160
<v Speaker 1>system is on edge, you are also very prone to

1:02:12.240 --> 1:02:17.200
<v Speaker 1>being hijacked by trauma patterns because those trauma patterns are

1:02:17.240 --> 1:02:21.320
<v Speaker 1>stored in your nervous system. So by saying I'm okay,

1:02:21.400 --> 1:02:23.760
<v Speaker 1>I'm safe, I'm loved, which is if you can hear

1:02:23.800 --> 1:02:25.520
<v Speaker 1>it and you can say it, it's true in that moment,

1:02:26.080 --> 1:02:28.640
<v Speaker 1>and by putting your hands on your heart, you're stimulating

1:02:28.680 --> 1:02:32.000
<v Speaker 1>something called your vegas nerve. Now, your vegas nerve is

1:02:32.160 --> 1:02:34.720
<v Speaker 1>a treasure inside of you that you need to discover.

1:02:35.320 --> 1:02:39.440
<v Speaker 1>It is the on off switch for your on edge, disregulated, traumatic,

1:02:39.680 --> 1:02:43.280
<v Speaker 1>stressed out nervous system. When you simply put your hands

1:02:43.320 --> 1:02:45.280
<v Speaker 1>on your heart, because the vegas nerve runs from the

1:02:45.360 --> 1:02:47.720
<v Speaker 1>seat all the way through every major organ, through your

1:02:47.760 --> 1:02:50.720
<v Speaker 1>vocal cords, and through your head to the top of it.

1:02:51.400 --> 1:02:53.880
<v Speaker 1>When you simply put your hands here and you press

1:02:53.920 --> 1:02:58.040
<v Speaker 1>against the vegas nerve and you say I'm okay, I'm safe,

1:02:58.120 --> 1:03:02.000
<v Speaker 1>I'm loved, you will come back into your body. You're

1:03:02.000 --> 1:03:05.120
<v Speaker 1>stressed out nervous system will turn off, and you'll turn

1:03:05.240 --> 1:03:10.040
<v Speaker 1>on your calm, cool, parasympathetic nervous system, and you will

1:03:10.080 --> 1:03:13.800
<v Speaker 1>start your day grounded in your body. You will start

1:03:13.840 --> 1:03:16.800
<v Speaker 1>your day with a nervous system that is calm, that

1:03:16.920 --> 1:03:21.240
<v Speaker 1>is regulated, that is able to then go and receive

1:03:21.840 --> 1:03:25.000
<v Speaker 1>the love and the encouragement and the support that you're

1:03:25.040 --> 1:03:28.080
<v Speaker 1>going to feel when you raise your hand in celebration

1:03:28.160 --> 1:03:30.200
<v Speaker 1>to the woman that you see in the mirror, who

1:03:30.280 --> 1:03:33.480
<v Speaker 1>is showing up for yet another day on the marathon

1:03:33.560 --> 1:03:37.920
<v Speaker 1>of this life, knowing that no matter what happens today,

1:03:38.480 --> 1:03:41.040
<v Speaker 1>she can handle it. She can have her own back,

1:03:41.600 --> 1:03:44.440
<v Speaker 1>and she's going to take this moment in her life

1:03:44.880 --> 1:03:47.840
<v Speaker 1>and she's going to use it because she knows it

1:03:47.960 --> 1:03:53.040
<v Speaker 1>is preparing her for something extraordinary that's coming. I mean,

1:03:53.080 --> 1:03:54.520
<v Speaker 1>I'm ready to go to bed because i want to

1:03:54.520 --> 1:03:57.280
<v Speaker 1>wake up high five the shout of myself in the morning.

1:03:57.360 --> 1:04:01.040
<v Speaker 1>So if my hands are in my heart, I cannot

1:04:01.200 --> 1:04:05.160
<v Speaker 1>thank you enough for these tools. This I mean not.

1:04:05.280 --> 1:04:07.440
<v Speaker 1>I'm going to just listen to the last five minutes

1:04:07.440 --> 1:04:09.680
<v Speaker 1>to that you just I mean just just thank you

1:04:09.760 --> 1:04:13.040
<v Speaker 1>for for your light, for your light, for your your motivation,

1:04:13.280 --> 1:04:16.919
<v Speaker 1>for your tools, for your heart. It means so much.

1:04:17.000 --> 1:04:20.920
<v Speaker 1>So thank you, seriously. You're welcome. You're welcome, and you

1:04:20.920 --> 1:04:22.520
<v Speaker 1>know I want you to know. I want to invite

1:04:22.560 --> 1:04:24.000
<v Speaker 1>you to do something with us. So we're doing this

1:04:24.120 --> 1:04:28.680
<v Speaker 1>free high five Challenge. It's five days where I'm going

1:04:28.720 --> 1:04:31.040
<v Speaker 1>to give you the tools, the coaching, the community that

1:04:31.080 --> 1:04:33.280
<v Speaker 1>you need to practice this stuff. Just go to high

1:04:33.280 --> 1:04:36.400
<v Speaker 1>five Challenge dot com. Great, it's free. I got you,

1:04:36.560 --> 1:04:40.360
<v Speaker 1>I want you in there for you and I believe

1:04:40.360 --> 1:04:44.200
<v Speaker 1>in you. I thank you so much. I appreciate it. Okay,

1:04:44.320 --> 1:04:51.800
<v Speaker 1>we'll talk soon. Thanks changing absolutely. Yes, I love you, baby,

1:04:51.920 --> 1:04:56.360
<v Speaker 1>Hi five, I love her. I'm gonna high five you.

1:04:57.280 --> 1:04:59.040
<v Speaker 1>I love how we went in too, like childhood traumas

1:04:59.080 --> 1:05:01.880
<v Speaker 1>to Yeah, that was good. I'm going to re listen

1:05:01.880 --> 1:05:04.840
<v Speaker 1>to this episode was steep. It was good. It was

1:05:04.960 --> 1:05:08.200
<v Speaker 1>very deep and good. And now I'm gonna go to

1:05:08.240 --> 1:05:09.920
<v Speaker 1>bed and high five myself in the morning. Let's I'll

1:05:09.920 --> 1:05:12.000
<v Speaker 1>try it though. I'm gonna try. Yeah, I'm just afraid

1:05:12.000 --> 1:05:13.600
<v Speaker 1>that I'm gonna like break my mirror because I'm gonna

1:05:13.600 --> 1:05:15.480
<v Speaker 1>be like overly excited about it, like I'm gonna be

1:05:15.520 --> 1:05:17.840
<v Speaker 1>like by you, and then it just like breaks. I'll

1:05:17.840 --> 1:05:27.240
<v Speaker 1>figure it out, alright, guys, go high five Okay. Bye,