Speaker 1: Swine Down with Janet Kramer and I heard radio podcast.
Speaker 1: I got pulled over this morning and I was having
Speaker 1: a little bit of the morning. I was that time
Speaker 1: of the month. Okay, you know, so like you're already
Speaker 1: like do you get on edge? Yeah? I get on
Speaker 1: edge like a couple of days before, and so then
Speaker 1: I know it's coming. But then I don't like to
Speaker 1: like anyone to know that I'm then on my period
Speaker 1: because then oh, that that's why he were such a
Speaker 1: bit three days ago. Do you know how many times
Speaker 1: in my marriage that I actually would roll up the
Speaker 1: stuff and literally put it in a bin in my
Speaker 1: cupboard so that he wouldn't see it in the trash,
Speaker 1: far so that he wouldn't blame my rational behavior, because
Speaker 1: that's the worst the word for them to be like, oh,
Speaker 1: that's why you're I'm like, no, that's not why, because
Speaker 1: you did this as why Granted I'm I'm a little
Speaker 1: more represensitive, yeah for sure, but like that's when they
Speaker 1: call that out. Why did they do that? Because their men?
Speaker 1: That's a good enough reason. It's just annoying, But I
Speaker 1: don't know why I'm trying to hide it now, Like
Speaker 1: I'm not nobody to hide it from. But I think
Speaker 1: it was just I was rushing. I was I wasn't
Speaker 1: supposed to have the kids had a little change in
Speaker 1: the schedule, so I was trying to figure stuff out.
Speaker 1: Luckily the preschool have let us back in. I got
Speaker 1: an email that the preschool will allow goodness, so I
Speaker 1: think I'm gonna bring flowers. Did she for She's like, well,
Speaker 1: we'll allow it. She basically was like, it's fine if
Speaker 1: you want to bring him back in Tuesday Thursdays. I
Speaker 1: was like, wonderful, thank you so much, have a have
Speaker 1: a blessed day, flowers whatever. I'll figure it out. But
Speaker 1: and then also, I know we gotta start thinking about
Speaker 1: menopause already my mom went through. I'm gonna be thirty eight.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't mind menopause. Why why don't want my period anymore? Yeah,
Speaker 1: but like there's like so many other issues that go
Speaker 1: along with it. I'm gonna get to when I get
Speaker 1: pulled over apart. But the whole point was, I was
Speaker 1: just like feeling crampy, and I feel like I feel
Speaker 1: like I'm pre menopausal because my periods or having said that,
Speaker 1: I think it's just because I had kids. And it's
Speaker 1: changed my period. And then that vaccine changed my period.
Speaker 1: So that's just been like annoying because it's been all
Speaker 1: over the freaking place. But um, I just felt like hot,
Speaker 1: and I'm like they were going through menopause. So I
Speaker 1: was like texting my mom asking her, like what were
Speaker 1: her pre menopausal symptoms, because I just because my periods
Speaker 1: have just been so weird. So like, into my car,
Speaker 1: I had to change around the schedule to get the kids,
Speaker 1: and I'm on my phone texting my mom about menopause.
Speaker 1: And then like then, I'm like I'm old and I'm
Speaker 1: washed up. I see this cop right in front of
Speaker 1: me and I don't even stop, like there was a
Speaker 1: stop sign, and I just like rolled right through it.
Speaker 1: I'm on my phone, but it was like I saw
Speaker 1: him after I rolled through it. You know. It was
Speaker 1: like one of those where it's like I thought, I
Speaker 1: thought you just rolled No. No, I like went right
Speaker 1: through it. Okay, I'm just trying to help you out. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because I was talking about menopause to my mom because
Speaker 1: I was like massively on my period and freaking out
Speaker 1: and it was weird. And so then he started following
Speaker 1: me and I was like, I might as well just
Speaker 1: put my linker on and just I'm just literally and
Speaker 1: I pretty much did. Like at the same I saw
Speaker 1: that there was a subdivision coming up, so I was like,
Speaker 1: he's gonna pull me over. I feel it like he's
Speaker 1: right on my tail. He's looking up my license plate
Speaker 1: right now, see if I'm a felon. And then in
Speaker 1: my head this is I'm like, what do I do?
Speaker 1: Do I play the menopause card? I just wanted and
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm only thirty eight years old, actual
Speaker 1: idea or I'm bleeding and so I don't know or um.
Speaker 1: So this all went through my head and then I
Speaker 1: was like I don't even know wh my registration card
Speaker 1: is or like I have no like all and I'm like, well,
Speaker 1: I don't have cream around my thing, and it's like,
Speaker 1: what is it going to show up cream around there?
Speaker 1: Because my license anyways, So then about the same time
Speaker 1: I put my blinker on, the lights go on and
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, there of ever. So I pulled into
Speaker 1: this neighborhood pre menopausal and just bleeding just defeated. I
Speaker 1: rolled on my window and I was like, I know
Speaker 1: I was on my phone and I rolled through it.
Speaker 1: You can just give me a ticket, and he kind
Speaker 1: of like laughed, and I was like, I'm sorry, like
Speaker 1: and normally and I just I was texting a friend
Speaker 1: and I was like, I just got pulled over. And
Speaker 1: he was like, are you apologizing profusely and just being
Speaker 1: so nice? And I was like, actually no, I was like,
Speaker 1: I did it. Arrest me, officer like just handcuffs. No,
Speaker 1: arrest me to take me to jail, give me deal
Speaker 1: with the rest. Take me to jail. You think that
Speaker 1: might be kind. I'm the thing of my kids. Figure
Speaker 1: it out, you know what, you figure out my life
Speaker 1: for me. It's fine, but can I have a tampon? Please?
Speaker 1: It's not going to be pretty in jail. But he
Speaker 1: kind of like laughed at me because I don't think
Speaker 1: he was expecting me to be like, yeah, no, I know.
Speaker 1: I was totally on my phone and I I went
Speaker 1: through the thing, and you can give me a ticket.
Speaker 1: It's fine. I don't know where my registration is, give
Speaker 1: me a second. And he kind of laughing, kind of chuckled,
Speaker 1: and he was he was like an older he's probably
Speaker 1: in his fifties. He probably has a menopausal wife. Prob
Speaker 1: he recognized the scientists. I'm gonna let this one goal.
Speaker 1: He did. You can see like the sweat he knows,
Speaker 1: like I'm having a hot flash, sir, please just let me.
Speaker 1: He's so he came back and he was like, and
Speaker 1: I know, put the phone down and stop, and he
Speaker 1: goes pretty much, Oh go, You're awesome, dude. That's funny.
Speaker 1: And then I called you because you were texting me,
Speaker 1: So do your symptoms fall in line with pre menopause
Speaker 1: changes in period? Me? My mom she was thirty four
Speaker 1: and she went to the doctors because she thought she
Speaker 1: was having another baby. But like, how do how how
Speaker 1: would I date pre menopausele pre menopause or boast? I
Speaker 1: mean all the above, Like can you imagine being like, Hi,
Speaker 1: I'm in menopause, I'm super sexy. Let's start there. I
Speaker 1: don't think it would be any different. No, I just
Speaker 1: heard that, like megmenopause scares me, and like the fact
Speaker 1: that we've even are getting onto that level. It's usually
Speaker 1: like fifty though, right. Do you know what my doctor
Speaker 1: asked me the other day. We were talking about like
Speaker 1: mammograms and colon stuff, colot whatever, and I'm like he's like,
Speaker 1: we gotta start thinking about that. He's like, but that's
Speaker 1: like in your fifties, and I was like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: that's like twelve years away. Well you started mammograms at forty.
Speaker 1: I know that because you're I just started. Just did
Speaker 1: my first one. Did they smash your booby? Yeah? Plant pops?
Speaker 1: Can it pop? It won't pop, but I mean it
Speaker 1: might feel like it's kind of stop. Yeah, that's fine.
Speaker 1: I love doing it. Why did I am like give
Speaker 1: me all the preventative crap, like test me for everything?
Speaker 1: I want test for everything, and they won't do it.
Speaker 1: Probably because of like radiation, Well yeah, probably, I know.
Speaker 1: I don't know. You like, I don't want cancer, so
Speaker 1: radiate me to like show me that I don't give me. Um, yeah, no,
Speaker 1: I don't know. I've always just like, wasn't your mom
Speaker 1: kind of I mean, I don't know. I don't remember
Speaker 1: with my mom going through I'm just gonna need to
Speaker 1: start doing research. I think the heart flashes and stuff
Speaker 1: like that, and then obviously like, I mean, yes, there's
Speaker 1: a lot of negatives to it. But honestly, though a
Speaker 1: hot flash sounds great, I'm always freezing. Yes, we can
Speaker 1: turn the air down in your house. Is it really
Speaker 1: that bad? I mean it's okay right now, but it's
Speaker 1: usually about sevent and it's roasting. I like a warmhouse.
Speaker 1: What can I say, warm heart, a warmhouse, warm heart.
Speaker 1: M I don't think that works. No, you know, I excape. Thanks. Um,
Speaker 1: so there was that. That was my morning and UM
Speaker 1: really excited to get Jace back into school. That's going
Speaker 1: to be good. He's Um, what age do you think
Speaker 1: you should bring a kid to therapy? Oh that's a
Speaker 1: good question. I could see myself putting my twelve year
Speaker 1: old in therapy. I think it depends. I think it
Speaker 1: depends on trauma. I think it depends. He seems a little.
Speaker 1: I know he's having a hard time. That seems a little.
Speaker 1: I feel like at this age it would just be someone.
Speaker 1: I don't know how how that would work at this stage. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm trying to figure out what's transition and what's divorced
Speaker 1: with him so hard with his age. Yeah. The only
Speaker 1: time I ever get angry at my ex now is
Speaker 1: when the kid screams for him. It was Jason, when
Speaker 1: Jay screams for him because I'm like, I don't want
Speaker 1: look he's upset like that breaks my heart because you know,
Speaker 1: my kids are like triggers life. Yeah, so I'm like, God,
Speaker 1: I hate you for doing this. Um. That was not
Speaker 1: nice to say, though, I mean, I think it's only
Speaker 1: human and I think he would understand that. Um. But
Speaker 1: I also think that as he gets older, I mean,
Speaker 1: he's still young, He's not going to keep screaming for
Speaker 1: his dad. I wouldn't think as he gets older. You know,
Speaker 1: it worries me too, is other kids, Like what if
Speaker 1: I start hanging out with some of that has kids,
Speaker 1: That'll be interesting because like the kids would be attached.
Speaker 1: It's like when do you introduce the kids at the kid?
Speaker 1: That is a big Yeah. I would wait a while
Speaker 1: because like I mean, of course I would get attached
Speaker 1: to the kids, but like my kids would get attached
Speaker 1: to the kids. And I saw like my brother's divorce
Speaker 1: and play out secondhand with that because it's like they
Speaker 1: were all and then it's just then they don't see
Speaker 1: the kids anymore. It's like, well, how unfair is that
Speaker 1: for the kids? I think unless you're able to be
Speaker 1: like absolute adults about it and allow them to still
Speaker 1: have a relationship. And I feel like I know somebody
Speaker 1: in that situation, um where they just you know, they
Speaker 1: were like brothers and sisters for a while, so you
Speaker 1: kind of have to allow them to still have that
Speaker 1: relationship if you introduce it. If I would never force it,
Speaker 1: but if it's something they wanted, because you're ripping something
Speaker 1: from them, you know. I you know what I started
Speaker 1: thinking there day too, is I'm the holidays. I started
Speaker 1: working on the calendar because I in charge of doing
Speaker 1: our co parenting calendar. And it's just that I'm like,
Speaker 1: I don't know, you know, things change weekly daily, yes,
Speaker 1: with my life, and I'm like, I just I hope
Speaker 1: that I'm not if I please help me not be
Speaker 1: sad like I came and talked about during the holidays. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it'll be hard for you. Yeah, it'll be hard. I
Speaker 1: can think about. Okay, next topics, give that one some time.
Speaker 1: Next topic, Um, what's funny right now in the world?
Speaker 1: What's funny? Talking my kids? I just get upset. I
Speaker 1: know that's me in therapy. Oh, speaking of therapy, Canna
Speaker 1: say what the other day? Please? That was hilarious, which
Speaker 1: but I just want to say, though, I need you
Speaker 1: to affirm yourself that you are making that choice for
Speaker 1: yourself not anybody else. Oh yes, And honestly, I'm going
Speaker 1: to be honest. I think this podcast was that a
Speaker 1: lot to do with it. Talking to cal the other
Speaker 1: day a couple weeks ago, like that was that was good? Um,
Speaker 1: And obviously you're always helpful with that. But yes, I
Speaker 1: mean I think with me, it's like I'm like, yes,
Speaker 1: I but I can only push you so far. I
Speaker 1: can you just like help with You're very helpful with yeah. Um.
Speaker 1: Which I've seen a therapist before, years ago. It's been
Speaker 1: a long time. So I decided that I was going
Speaker 1: to call a therapist and sit down, you know whatever. Um.
Speaker 1: So I asked Janna for hers, which we had talked
Speaker 1: to her on the podcast before. Um, Amy Alexander over
Speaker 1: at a refuge center in Nashville or Franklin. They're incredible. Yes.
Speaker 1: So loved her, loved talking to her that day. So
Speaker 1: I was like, I'll reach out to Amy. So I
Speaker 1: amail Amy and I'm like new client and I'm like, hey,
Speaker 1: it's Katherine, you know blah blah blah. Um, I would
Speaker 1: love if you have time to sit down with you
Speaker 1: blah blah blah. And she was like, um, do you
Speaker 1: have time today? For a quick five minute call, and
Speaker 1: I was like, she's not gonna take me, Like what
Speaker 1: do I need to say to make sure that she
Speaker 1: takes me? Janna blah blah blah. So she calls me
Speaker 1: and she's like, what would you say your main concern is?
Speaker 1: And then I go into like, well, you know whatever,
Speaker 1: my main concern um and then she's like, would you
Speaker 1: like to share your main concern or no? Sure? I mean,
Speaker 1: I like, of course, this is a five minute phone call.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, well, let's see, like I've been married
Speaker 1: for fourteen years, we have wraps and downs and then
Speaker 1: like I've got family trauma and blah blah blah. Say,
Speaker 1: I go through the whole and trying to figure out
Speaker 1: when I'm unhappy in our marriage, like why I'm unhappy,
Speaker 1: not just like what he's doing wrong or you know,
Speaker 1: I'm very aware that it's a lot of times is
Speaker 1: me and me being unhappy and just kind of trying
Speaker 1: to figure me out more, I guess, and then obviously
Speaker 1: going back to the childhood traumas and stuff like that.
Speaker 1: So I go into the whole spiel and clearly I
Speaker 1: figure out that's like really not what she wanted and
Speaker 1: she's like okay. She's like, well, she's like beating around
Speaker 1: the bush a little bit. But you know, she was like,
Speaker 1: usually I don't see like family members or good friends
Speaker 1: of other clients. And I was like, oh no, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: I'm not coming to talk about Janna. She's great. She's like, okay,
Speaker 1: as long as that's not part of your concern. I
Speaker 1: was like, no, that's pretty funny. I love it. She
Speaker 1: was just like, you can't come in here and like
Speaker 1: like Janna, she's just like the worst boss ever. Like
Speaker 1: and so then I told Janna, I was like, you're
Speaker 1: gonna know when I go get another therapist, it's because
Speaker 1: I'm not happy with you. Oh my god, that would
Speaker 1: be the worst anymore. Oh what am I doing wrong?
Speaker 1: Wait wait await, but I mean vice versa. You can't
Speaker 1: talk about me either, but I talk about you all
Speaker 1: the time, but not in a way of like negative.
Speaker 1: I'll just be like, oh, Catherine brought this up to
Speaker 1: me and she made a really good write or like
Speaker 1: Catherine noticed this and me and because it's like those again,
Speaker 1: like you are the one that kind of um sees
Speaker 1: me or you see me every day, so you're the
Speaker 1: ones that you hold you pay them, especially hold me accountable.
Speaker 1: So when you say something to me, then I usually
Speaker 1: write it down and then bring that to therapy and
Speaker 1: be like, hey, they brought this up, like why do
Speaker 1: I do that right? Or like how how come? Or
Speaker 1: which I'm sure I'll do that too because you point
Speaker 1: out all that you know, yeah, like I know, just
Speaker 1: talk about each other. But no, no, it's just that
Speaker 1: we just can't say like like you can't be my problem.
Speaker 1: I can't problem would suck. I feel like we're good though, right, Yeah,
Speaker 1: everything's great, everything, everything is fine. But I'm really really
Speaker 1: proud of you because I think it's I think, if
Speaker 1: I can speak openly, I feel like you, um, I
Speaker 1: make up that you think there has to be an
Speaker 1: issue wrong with the marriage, like Nick cheats or he
Speaker 1: drinks or he is and for for why, like you
Speaker 1: might be unhappy, and it's like there, there doesn't need
Speaker 1: to be a reason, it's just but figuring out why
Speaker 1: you're unhappy is you know the goal? I guess right
Speaker 1: for sure? Well, I think it all goes back to
Speaker 1: you know, my pa, it's getting divorced and my mom leaving,
Speaker 1: and they're not being a real reason. But also the
Speaker 1: mom leaving, So I have this whole and I've always
Speaker 1: told him. I've told him from the very beginning of
Speaker 1: our marriage, like I will never stay in a marriage
Speaker 1: just for the kids, because my parents tried to, Like
Speaker 1: my mom tried to stay until I was eighteen, but
Speaker 1: she ended up leaving a sixteen. And I was like,
Speaker 1: if you're unhappy, you should have left a long time ago.
Speaker 1: But I think that trauma. It's like I don't want
Speaker 1: to be not that we're getting divorced, but like I
Speaker 1: don't want to be the one to leave or unless
Speaker 1: I have a reason, I guess well, And unfortunately you
Speaker 1: have said to me a lot like I mean, like
Speaker 1: it's not like Mike, like he didn't didn't nicked and cheat,
Speaker 1: and like Kavine, he doesn't have to cheat for me
Speaker 1: to be unhappy. Like there's things and like again, you
Speaker 1: guys have been married for so long, and I'm so
Speaker 1: proud that like you're going to figure out like because
Speaker 1: it might have nothing to do. It might be little
Speaker 1: things that like y'all can figure out together. But also
Speaker 1: fourteen years is a long time, Like you know, those
Speaker 1: we've had people on and you just might have missed
Speaker 1: that one season of growing back together, you know, when
Speaker 1: Pastor cal Had says something that was so helpful because
Speaker 1: it was like, you know a lot of the time,
Speaker 1: it's not necessarily like it's something going on in you,
Speaker 1: and that's what kind of prompted it. Like I feel
Speaker 1: that way, Like I don't feel like, I mean, it's
Speaker 1: a great guy, you know, I mean it's not like
Speaker 1: but is it? You know, I find myself in these
Speaker 1: moments when I'm upset with him where I'm ad. I'm
Speaker 1: just like, I feel like this is more just my feeling.
Speaker 1: I don't. I don't really honestly feel like there's really
Speaker 1: something specific he's doing that it's more me. So I
Speaker 1: just have to kind of is that where the emotion
Speaker 1: comes from? Then when you going to therapy? Is that
Speaker 1: really emotion? Like when you because when you because I
Speaker 1: you rarely cry, Oh I do in therapy, right, So
Speaker 1: that's that's where I'm like, what's feel like, Oh, it's
Speaker 1: either talking about my kids, just like I mean if
Speaker 1: I talk if I go in therapy and I talk
Speaker 1: about like how it's going to affect my kids, I
Speaker 1: mean that makes me cry every time. Um or when
Speaker 1: I do get because I can be vulnerable. I do
Speaker 1: not like to be vulnerable, but I can. I just
Speaker 1: don't think I was taught to. I think I grew
Speaker 1: up in a family where you don't talk about feelings,
Speaker 1: you don't show affection, you don't I don't know how
Speaker 1: to do that in like a healthy way, and just
Speaker 1: literally was not shown how to do that. So I
Speaker 1: just automatically put up a wall. If something happens, wall
Speaker 1: goes up, you know. Um. But in therapy, I can
Speaker 1: be vulnerable. I can talk about it. So that's usually
Speaker 1: where the emotion will come too, because I'm addressing the
Speaker 1: things in me that are not like I could be like, well,
Speaker 1: I know I did this and this was wrong in
Speaker 1: our marriage, and that will make me upset, you know.
Speaker 1: So Yeah, and you've suppressed these feelings for probably years
Speaker 1: and years, so it's like it's all just like bottles.
Speaker 1: I don't like to talk about it, Yeah, Or if
Speaker 1: we start to talk about whatever it is, then I'll
Speaker 1: usually just it'll just be a blow up because I
Speaker 1: don't want to talk about it. He's better at talking
Speaker 1: about things than I am, for sure, But I'm so
Speaker 1: out of you appreciate that. I'm really proud um. All right, Well,
Speaker 1: on that note, we have Mel Robbins coming on, who
Speaker 1: is an incredible emotional UM speaker, motivational, emotional. She was
Speaker 1: very emotional, No, incredible motivational speaker. She's um. We had
Speaker 1: her on last January. It was last January, last January,
Speaker 1: no mom, January, mom mom before that. Yeah, oh yeah, wow,
Speaker 1: m yep. So I'm gonna have her on and I've
Speaker 1: do you remember her five three two one? Remember she
Speaker 1: was five four three two one? Get up and do
Speaker 1: like I've used that in since the divorce because there
Speaker 1: were so many times where I would just like lay
Speaker 1: there staring at a wall and I'm like, okay, I
Speaker 1: no joke, have to count myself down to get up,
Speaker 1: and it's fascinating how it does work. So I'm gonna
Speaker 1: bring yourself to her again and um take a break
Speaker 1: and have her. What up everybody? Hi? How are you?
Speaker 1: I miss you? Oh? Well, it's so nice to see you. Boy.
Speaker 1: You've had a hell of a year. Girlfriend, talk about
Speaker 1: it now right we can? And you know what's so
Speaker 1: crazy is I referenced that the Momuary back in last January,
Speaker 1: and I obviously couldn't tell people at the time, what
Speaker 1: was going on last January? UM, And I honestly didn't
Speaker 1: even know the full extent of it until a few
Speaker 1: months ago. But UM, I just remember I always remembered
Speaker 1: your words, I always remembered what you said, and it
Speaker 1: was just I have such a and since that day
Speaker 1: and since that podcast with you, I've just had such
Speaker 1: a connection to you in your words, because you're just
Speaker 1: so right. Well, I mean, I don't want to be
Speaker 1: right honestly, I feel like, Um, having talked to so
Speaker 1: many people, reaching so many people, and also studying and
Speaker 1: digging so deep into the research around human behavior and
Speaker 1: habits and all this stuff, and also having like kind
Speaker 1: of screwed up my own life. I've been on both
Speaker 1: the receiving end of heartbreak and I've been on the
Speaker 1: delivering end of it and struggling with childhood drama and
Speaker 1: really only fully starting to understand it. They're just patterns
Speaker 1: of behavior, there are patterns of thinking that trip us
Speaker 1: all up. And you know, the one thing that I
Speaker 1: want you to know is that you are really really
Speaker 1: well known. But I think in in it's important for
Speaker 1: you to also understand I didn't even know what was
Speaker 1: going on in your life. Recently until we sat down
Speaker 1: to UM, you know, do this interview and I and
Speaker 1: I basically was like, well, let me see what's been
Speaker 1: going on since I talked to her last time. And
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my god. And so I want you
Speaker 1: to know that it can feel like the whole world
Speaker 1: knows everything that's happening, and don't allow yourself to magnify
Speaker 1: this because I want you to know your friend Mel
Speaker 1: Robbins didn't have a clue about any of the details
Speaker 1: of anything. And so I think understanding that not everybody
Speaker 1: knows and that life will go on, and don't magnify
Speaker 1: the stuff that's happening in your life to something bigger
Speaker 1: than it is, because the stuff that you're going through
Speaker 1: so many people go through and most people aren't even
Speaker 1: paying attention. And so I don't want you to feel
Speaker 1: self conscious. I actually think that your story and the
Speaker 1: things that you're going through and your willingness to talk
Speaker 1: about what you will or what you won't UM, it
Speaker 1: helps everybody. Well, I mean, thank you for saying that.
Speaker 1: And I think I think I struggled with UM because
Speaker 1: you are such like the comeback like you're the comeback relationship.
Speaker 1: You're the comeback, you know, and like all of that
Speaker 1: was like, you know, your marriage was about to fall apart.
Speaker 1: You were depressed, and so I looked at you and
Speaker 1: I understood the words that you were saying a year
Speaker 1: and a half ago. But at the same time, I'm like,
Speaker 1: well if if that, if they can change, then we can.
Speaker 1: Well what exactly did I say to you? So let's
Speaker 1: go there. Um, when you you mentioned something about repeated
Speaker 1: patterns or something to be to take notice of. Yeah, like,
Speaker 1: don't listen to what somebody says, watch what they do,
Speaker 1: and then pattern to see the pattern to continue to repeat.
Speaker 1: It's kind of like you basically said, he's not gonna
Speaker 1: not cheat. Yes, correct, and you were right like you
Speaker 1: you know, it's and and it was And I think
Speaker 1: that was so hard because I wanted to look at
Speaker 1: other people's lives that have made at work and being like,
Speaker 1: well maybe this is the Maybe now they'll eventually change.
Speaker 1: Maybe now we can actually do what we say we're doing. Well,
Speaker 1: I want to ask you a question, Sure, when did
Speaker 1: you know that he was going to cheat again? Because
Speaker 1: my suspicion is that your issue is that you're not
Speaker 1: listening to yourself and if you look back on the
Speaker 1: patterns in your life. And I don't even know the
Speaker 1: patterns in your life, but if you look back on
Speaker 1: the patterns in your own life, I guarantee you what
Speaker 1: you will see when you're taking a very hard and
Speaker 1: honest look as a pattern of behavior. Are you know
Speaker 1: what is true? And you betray yourself for the sake
Speaker 1: of somebody else. And it is probably a pattern that
Speaker 1: has been going on since you were a little girl.
Speaker 1: And the reason why I say this is because in
Speaker 1: my own life, the biggest heartbreaks, the biggest punches in
Speaker 1: the face, the most horrible things that I've ever had
Speaker 1: to go through. When I really stop and I take
Speaker 1: a look at myself, I realized, holy shot, this is
Speaker 1: a pattern that has been present in my life, typically
Speaker 1: due to trauma from childhood that life has been trying
Speaker 1: to wake me up to. And it's just gotten bigger
Speaker 1: and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger until life
Speaker 1: hands me a sledgehammer and I finally wake up and
Speaker 1: pay attention. So, for example, I'm going to share a story,
Speaker 1: um so I um you know, I think I can
Speaker 1: remember if we talked about this when I was when
Speaker 1: I had a conversation with you last time, but we
Speaker 1: I shared you know this story is public. When I
Speaker 1: was in the fourth grade, I was molested and we
Speaker 1: were on a skeep vacation with a bunch of other
Speaker 1: families and all the kids were in a bunk room
Speaker 1: and I woke up, as a fourth grader in the
Speaker 1: middle of the night. I was dead asleep. I woke
Speaker 1: up and there was an older kid on top of me.
Speaker 1: And the fact is, in terms of the span of
Speaker 1: things that can happen in somebody's life, in terms of
Speaker 1: sexual abuse, this was really mild. It was a one off.
Speaker 1: It was not scary. It was confusing, and I literally
Speaker 1: disassociated in the moment as this kid was on top
Speaker 1: of me. And I don't even know how it ended.
Speaker 1: I just woke up the next morning and I felt
Speaker 1: that something was wrong, and I felt that I had
Speaker 1: done something wrong. And then I walked downstairs and my
Speaker 1: mom is there cooking breakfast with the other moms, and
Speaker 1: she turns and just says, hi, honey, how to sleep?
Speaker 1: And I immediately wanted to tell her, but there was
Speaker 1: this kid right at the corner of my eye. Now,
Speaker 1: my mom's amazing. My mom grew up on a cattle farm.
Speaker 1: She would have taken that spatchel and knocked that kid
Speaker 1: into next week. Like there was no question how my
Speaker 1: mother was going to respond to this. I could not
Speaker 1: predict how he was going to and so in that moment,
Speaker 1: I betrayed myself and I did not tell the truth.
Speaker 1: And I did it in order to keep the peace.
Speaker 1: And what's interesting, and look, here's the thing about human beings.
Speaker 1: We are unbelievably designed. There's so much intelligence in our
Speaker 1: DNA and her body and her soul, in her mind
Speaker 1: and her spirit, and all of it is amazing. There
Speaker 1: is one profound, fundamental flaw in human design, and that
Speaker 1: is when you're a little kid and something happens to you,
Speaker 1: you do not have the life experience most of us
Speaker 1: don't have the support system, and you do not have
Speaker 1: the internal wirling to go, well, this is screwed up.
Speaker 1: That kid probably did that because somebody's doing it to him.
Speaker 1: These adults should be arrested, Like no kid does that.
Speaker 1: We all go there's something wrong with me, and we
Speaker 1: stop listening and we silence that wisdom and that intuition,
Speaker 1: and then for the rest of your life you're like,
Speaker 1: what happens. In order to heal, you can take a
Speaker 1: look at where are the patterns that developed in your
Speaker 1: life where you were just trying to survive the stuff
Speaker 1: that happened to you as a kid. You're just doing
Speaker 1: the best that you could. And for me, the pattern
Speaker 1: that I can now see is that I was always
Speaker 1: drawn towards really big personalities, really unpredictable people, because they
Speaker 1: felt fun and sexy and amazing. And then when I
Speaker 1: would get close to that person that has a big personality,
Speaker 1: I would realize, oh, God, like this person is dangerous,
Speaker 1: they're a narcissist, or they are unpredictable, or through this
Speaker 1: or that. And then, just like I was in the
Speaker 1: fourth grade, worried about somebody's reaction, I would go right
Speaker 1: into that trauma pattern, but staying silent, I would know
Speaker 1: that I needed to not be a friend with this
Speaker 1: person or doing a business with this person, you know,
Speaker 1: in terms of conducting business that I shouldn't be, you know,
Speaker 1: having this person in my life in whatever capacity. Like
Speaker 1: it's over, and like the pattern is as clear as day.
Speaker 1: I'm drawn to a certain type of personality because it
Speaker 1: matches an old pattern, and then I go right into
Speaker 1: the coping mechanism of allowing stuff to happen and staying
Speaker 1: silent about it, and then I'm the one that gets hurt.
Speaker 1: And so the breakthrough for me is in seeing that
Speaker 1: it's connected to trauma, doing the work to heal my
Speaker 1: nervous system so I don't get triggered, and being very
Speaker 1: mindful about the kinds of situations and the people that
Speaker 1: I'm around. And so I believe if you are being
Speaker 1: honest with yourself, there was a moment where you knew
Speaker 1: in your heart this this guy's gonna cheat again, and
Speaker 1: I know it, but for the sake of keeping the
Speaker 1: peace or being the good one or staying silent or whatever,
Speaker 1: you didn't listen to it. Mhm, No, I mean you're
Speaker 1: one thousand percent right. And when you said that, I
Speaker 1: started to just get like, you know, um, kind of
Speaker 1: a heavy chest and emotion emotional, just because yeah, I mean,
Speaker 1: if I if I really really truly we're being you know,
Speaker 1: being honest. I mean, yeah, I probably I always knew
Speaker 1: he had cheat. I just never wanted to believe that, yes,
Speaker 1: but you know, seeing the repeated patterns, and even when
Speaker 1: I spoke to you during that momuary, I mean knowing
Speaker 1: now what I know what was actually going on, then,
Speaker 1: um I I knew, like I there was that piece
Speaker 1: of me that that knew, just like my best friend
Speaker 1: Katherine was like I always knew, and I you know
Speaker 1: I had. And but also what's sad too is kind
Speaker 1: of what you were saying from my childhood, from traumas
Speaker 1: and stuff, that's I've always picked the abuser. And so
Speaker 1: there was something that happened when we first started dating
Speaker 1: that I've don't think I'll ever actually share, but um
Speaker 1: in and in that moment, I was like, it was
Speaker 1: that sign like I have have to leave this, but
Speaker 1: I then that was that was that was that was
Speaker 1: the moment that I betrayed myself was because I didn't
Speaker 1: want to see his reaction or know what his reaction
Speaker 1: would be, so I allowed it to happen for the
Speaker 1: rest of our marriage. Well, so here's the thing I
Speaker 1: want you to understand. So first things first, Um, especially
Speaker 1: as somebody that was a trained crisis intervention counselor and
Speaker 1: I volunteered on a domestic violence hotline for four years,
Speaker 1: and being somebody that was a public defender from legal aid,
Speaker 1: I want to make sure that you don't ever hear
Speaker 1: this as you're to blame for anything. What I want
Speaker 1: you to understand is that inside every breakdown of your life,
Speaker 1: inside every heartbreak, every trauma, every horrendous thing that you've
Speaker 1: ever survived, if you look closely, you will find the
Speaker 1: keys that will unlock the cage that you've been trapped in.
Speaker 1: And I believe the cage that you're probably trapped in.
Speaker 1: And I'm just going to throw things at you and
Speaker 1: they're either going to feel like, oh that rings true
Speaker 1: or not. Almost like if we were shopping, I would throw, hey,
Speaker 1: try this. I know you don't like this color bridges.
Speaker 1: Try it on um and you're the one has to
Speaker 1: see if it fits. You're the one who has to
Speaker 1: unpack it with your therapist. But I think it's really
Speaker 1: important for you two take this incredible thing that's happened
Speaker 1: in your life and see it as a dot on
Speaker 1: the map of your life, like everything that's ever happened
Speaker 1: to you has led you to this moment, and this
Speaker 1: moment is going to lead you just like a dot,
Speaker 1: another dot on the map of your life to somewhere extraordinary.
Speaker 1: If you take the time to unpack the lesson that's
Speaker 1: meant for you in this and what's meant for you
Speaker 1: in this is not to blame yourself. It's not to
Speaker 1: excuse the behavior that you endured from somebody else. It's
Speaker 1: to understand what happened to you that made you equate
Speaker 1: this kind of treatment with love. And so it probably
Speaker 1: started with something you witnessed in childhood or experienced in
Speaker 1: the home that you were growing up with. You don't
Speaker 1: have to talk about it, but what I want you
Speaker 1: to realize is somewhere along the line, in your your
Speaker 1: baby or your toddler or your young brain, the experience
Speaker 1: of being loved got fused with being treated poorly. And
Speaker 1: so what you need to do, in addition to healing
Speaker 1: your nervous system, which we can talk about, we can
Speaker 1: talk about high five in your heart, which I definitely
Speaker 1: want you to start doing, yes to talk about that, yep.
Speaker 1: And in addition to high fiving yourself in the mirror,
Speaker 1: which is so deep and which you need because what
Speaker 1: you've been doing, and what all of us do in
Speaker 1: various ways in our lives, is we look outside of
Speaker 1: ourselves for love and validation. And the best way to
Speaker 1: heal yourself is to start working on and building an
Speaker 1: incredible partnership with yourself to learn how to love yourself,
Speaker 1: accept yourself, forgive yourself for exactly where you are right
Speaker 1: now and exactly where you're not. Because the relationship you
Speaker 1: have with yourself is the foundation of every relation and
Speaker 1: ship that you have in life. So if you are
Speaker 1: insecure with yourself, you will be insecure in other relationships.
Speaker 1: If you don't truly love yourself and treat yourself with love,
Speaker 1: you will not even be able to accept that somebody
Speaker 1: else truly loves you. And so we need to and
Speaker 1: you have a huge opportunity to go. Okay, I get it,
Speaker 1: I get it. I need to truly empower myself and
Speaker 1: listen to all of those instincts and the wisdom that
Speaker 1: comes up, because the fact is I knew I just
Speaker 1: didn't listen to myself. That's all that happened. I was
Speaker 1: too scared to listen to myself. And I'm not even
Speaker 1: gonna blame myself for that. I'm I I'm just gonna
Speaker 1: learn the lesson and I'm gonna forgive myself for not
Speaker 1: listening to myself, and then I'm gonna practice rebuilding a
Speaker 1: connection and a trust with myself. And you can do
Speaker 1: it you can. Yeah, it's actually really awesome. No, I mean,
Speaker 1: it's definitely been fun to to do that because I
Speaker 1: think I have not listen to my gut for so
Speaker 1: many years in my life, and that's just been the
Speaker 1: like the biggest, like you said, betrayal. But I also
Speaker 1: it's you know, obviously working through some trauma pieces in
Speaker 1: childhood and early relationships with like M d R with
Speaker 1: my therapist, and it's been it's been really good. But yeah,
Speaker 1: finding that worthiness that I am okay. I don't need
Speaker 1: a validation from a man, I don't need um that
Speaker 1: I'm okay alone, Like all those things have been a
Speaker 1: true um blessing that has come out of this, like
Speaker 1: the divorce um. And I'm still working on it, like
Speaker 1: it's it's still I still have moments of um of
Speaker 1: self doubt and the voices and all those things Like God,
Speaker 1: of course who does it for It will be a
Speaker 1: lifelong journey. And because what you're talking about is repairing
Speaker 1: your nervous system from past trauma. And when your nervous
Speaker 1: system is hardwired to react, it reacts before your brain does.
Speaker 1: And one of the things that I write about in
Speaker 1: this new book that I want you to start practicing
Speaker 1: as this high five to your heart, and we can
Speaker 1: get into this because I think that when I unpack
Speaker 1: everything for you, you're going to have a moment where
Speaker 1: you go, oh my god, like this is it. This
Speaker 1: is foundational what Miles talking about. Before we get into
Speaker 1: the high five thing, I just want to say one
Speaker 1: thing that I the last and I was telling Catherine
Speaker 1: this UM before you came on the last UM four
Speaker 1: or five months post divorce. I have used five two
Speaker 1: one almost daily because when I get into those moments
Speaker 1: where I'm literally just staring at a wall, or I'm depressed,
Speaker 1: or I'm missing my kids and because they're at their
Speaker 1: dads or UM or I just don't even want to
Speaker 1: get up, I have used three to one and it
Speaker 1: it's been incredible how much it actually works and just
Speaker 1: it gets you up, and I'm like, okay, and I
Speaker 1: just thank you for that because we I know, we
Speaker 1: talked about that, and you guys can listen to the
Speaker 1: podcast where you know she she goes into one. But
Speaker 1: it's incredible change of mindset that is so helpful when
Speaker 1: you are just at your lowest. So I appreciate you
Speaker 1: for that. Well, thank you for that, and thank you
Speaker 1: for using it. And I want to tell you something
Speaker 1: really exciting. So the five second rule, I mean, it's extraordinary.
Speaker 1: It's it's so dumb, it's so simple, it's so easy.
Speaker 1: It works, it's like weird. Um. The science behind it's crazy,
Speaker 1: and um, you know, we know millions of people's lives
Speaker 1: who have changed, including a hundred and eleven people who
Speaker 1: have stopped themselves from attempting suicide by counting backwards five,
Speaker 1: three to one and asking for help. And it is
Speaker 1: a tool that will push you to interrupt thoughts that
Speaker 1: are torturing you. It's a tool that will push you
Speaker 1: to take action, push you to do the work to
Speaker 1: change life. It's it's extraordinary as a tool that way.
Speaker 1: But I need I need some more tools though, So
Speaker 1: I want to hear. I want to I want to
Speaker 1: tell you something. Even knowing all of that, I cannot
Speaker 1: wait for you to truly understand and learn the high
Speaker 1: five habit because I think it is even more profound,
Speaker 1: it works even more deeply, and there is no mistake
Speaker 1: in why we're talking today because it is exactly what
Speaker 1: you need. And so let me tell you the story
Speaker 1: of how this got created. Because again, you know, like
Speaker 1: my brand of personal development is screw up my own life,
Speaker 1: find myself at a hole? Word can ladder Like, like,
Speaker 1: how do I get out of this? Yes? I can?
Speaker 1: I just please be like somebody who reads this stuff
Speaker 1: in a book and applies it. Why do I have
Speaker 1: to pick up my life? Like I don't understand why
Speaker 1: I have to make things so difficult? Thank you for doing?
Speaker 1: Like I said. Situation where I'm like, Okay, it's been
Speaker 1: five years since I have had a book out. I
Speaker 1: guess I need to write a book about five you know.
Speaker 1: But that's not what happened. Like I literally find myself
Speaker 1: and this is not a pandemic book, but here's what
Speaker 1: happens in my in my life, So I find myself.
Speaker 1: We all have a quarantine story, right, We all know
Speaker 1: the moment that your life imploded because of COVID and
Speaker 1: you're like, okay, this is actually a thing, and my
Speaker 1: whole life just changed. And for me, when was it that?
Speaker 1: When was it that you knew? Oh, like COVID is
Speaker 1: for real and my whole life just changed. When I
Speaker 1: got sent home from the movie, yeah, production shutdown, and
Speaker 1: I was like, well here we are, like we're all
Speaker 1: locked down. Nanny went away. Never got one back, like yes, yes, yeah,
Speaker 1: like whether it was an email from work that no
Speaker 1: one's going to the office or you can't visit your grandparents. Uh,
Speaker 1: you know, for me, it was very similar to yours.
Speaker 1: We were filming my daytime talk show. Somebody walks in
Speaker 1: the studio at CBS Broadcast Center and says, COVID is
Speaker 1: in the building. You need to evacuate immediately, and like
Speaker 1: that show canceled. I'm fired from my dream job. Don't
Speaker 1: get to say goodbye to the hundred and thirty people
Speaker 1: I've been working with for a year. I'm driving home.
Speaker 1: Next thing, you know, my daughter's calling from Spain, where
Speaker 1: she's studying abroad during college. Oh my god, they're closing
Speaker 1: the borders. How am I going to get out of here?
Speaker 1: And then my daughter calls from usc where she's a
Speaker 1: music student. Oh my mom, they're shutting the door. What's
Speaker 1: a all? Next thing, you know, the next three weeks
Speaker 1: are a blur. I'm in my pajamas for three weeks straight.
Speaker 1: I'm drinking bloody marries at eleven o'clock in the morning, Like,
Speaker 1: I just have no idea. What's happening. Every speech is canceled,
Speaker 1: a book contract gets canceled. I'm fired from and I'm thinking,
Speaker 1: are you kidding me? After working this hard? I have
Speaker 1: to reinvent myself again? Haven't we been through this? Come on? God? Like,
Speaker 1: I'm literally so angry, and I'm also beaten down like
Speaker 1: everybody else, Like I'm worried about the people that work
Speaker 1: for me. I'm worried about making payroll. I'm worried about
Speaker 1: my parents. I'm worried about frontline workers. I'm worried about
Speaker 1: my kids who are anxiety stricken and angry and full
Speaker 1: of grief. And college is imploded, and just the world
Speaker 1: is upside down, and and I know everybody can relate
Speaker 1: to this. So I wake up one morning and I
Speaker 1: just feel the way of the world on my shoulders.
Speaker 1: I am overwhelmed by the amount I have to do,
Speaker 1: by the problems that I'm facing, by the stress that
Speaker 1: I feel, by the loneliness that I feel. I use
Speaker 1: the five second or five or three to one, even
Speaker 1: thirteen years later, I don't like getting out of bed,
Speaker 1: and I still use it every morning. And it's important
Speaker 1: for everybody to know that, because I know we all
Speaker 1: hear that. You know, if you practice something twenty one
Speaker 1: days in a row, it's a habit. Well, that's true
Speaker 1: if you like it. If you don't like what you
Speaker 1: have to do, you gotta keep on pushing yourself. And
Speaker 1: so five or three to one, I pushed myself out
Speaker 1: of bed. I always make my bed. On that morning,
Speaker 1: I made the bed so I wouldn't crawl back into it.
Speaker 1: I dragged myself to the bathroom and there I am
Speaker 1: standing in my underwear and I feel you'll exhausted, and
Speaker 1: I'm brushing my teeth, and all of a sudden, I
Speaker 1: catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror, and
Speaker 1: I think, oh my god, you look like hell. And
Speaker 1: the woman I saw in the mirror had dark circles
Speaker 1: under her eyes, and a saggy neck, and one boobs
Speaker 1: hanging lower than the other, and gray hair is coming in.
Speaker 1: She looked tired, overwhelmed, beaten down. I actually felt sad
Speaker 1: for her, and I started picking her apart. And then,
Speaker 1: of course, once you start thinking a negative thought, your
Speaker 1: thoughts just spiral even lower. I started like beating myself up.
Speaker 1: Why to get up so late? I've got a zoom
Speaker 1: call in eight minutes. How I'm gonna pull myself together?
Speaker 1: I see the dog at my feet. I haven't even
Speaker 1: walked the damn dog yet. And here's the interesting thing.
Speaker 1: If you had walked into the bathroom at that moment,
Speaker 1: I could have pivoted on a dime. I would have
Speaker 1: been like, honey, oh come on, I know this isn't fair,
Speaker 1: I know this sucks. I know you don't deserve it,
Speaker 1: but if anybody can handle it, it's you. I would
Speaker 1: have picked you up. I would have sent you on
Speaker 1: your way. But standing there with myself, I couldn't think
Speaker 1: of a damn thing to say. And you know what,
Speaker 1: I probably wouldn't have believed it anyway. That's how beaten
Speaker 1: down I felt. And I don't know what came over me,
Speaker 1: but I literally raised my hand, as cheesy as it sounds,
Speaker 1: and I high five the woman I saw in the
Speaker 1: mirror because I knew she needed it. And here's the thing.
Speaker 1: It's not like lightning stroke and I suddenly, oh, like
Speaker 1: changed my life. That's not what happened. But something shifted
Speaker 1: like my I felt my shoulders drop, I felt my
Speaker 1: chin lift. I laughed because it's so dumb, like I'm
Speaker 1: standing there in my underwearth a dog and I'm never
Speaker 1: brawn and I'm high fiving, like how pathetic is this?
Speaker 1: But I laugh and all of a sudden, I just
Speaker 1: feel a little better and I go on with my day. Now.
Speaker 1: It was the second morning that something really clicked for me.
Speaker 1: I woke up, same overwhelmed, same problems. I used the
Speaker 1: five second or five or three too, want to get
Speaker 1: out of bed. I make my bed, I start walking
Speaker 1: to the bathroom, and as I'm about to round the
Speaker 1: corner and step into the bathroom, I feel something I
Speaker 1: have never ever felt before. And this is what I felt.
Speaker 1: You know how when you go and you're going to
Speaker 1: meet a friend for a cup of coffee, somebody you
Speaker 1: really like, and you're about to walk into the coffee
Speaker 1: shop to see this person you really like, What is
Speaker 1: it that you feel happy a friend just to see
Speaker 1: a friend? Yeah, Like you're like, oh friend, Yeah, you're
Speaker 1: excited looking forward to it. I felt that way about
Speaker 1: the idea of seeing myself. You're being a friend here,
Speaker 1: so yeah, I'm gonna be fifty three years old this year.
Speaker 1: I have never felt that before. In my entire life,
Speaker 1: I have looked forward to seeing my outfit, we're seeing
Speaker 1: my hairstyle or how the new eye shadow looks. I
Speaker 1: have never experienced the feeling of looking forward to seeing
Speaker 1: the human being. Mel Robbins. Do you think it's because
Speaker 1: we always carry our shame or we carry our past
Speaker 1: and we're like, oh, we're not worthy enough, we're not
Speaker 1: good enough, we're not like it's all the negative voices
Speaker 1: that we've put on us that like, why why would
Speaker 1: I want to be me friend? Catherine wants to be
Speaker 1: my friend, but I don't want to be my friend. Yeah, why,
Speaker 1: I think it's those so deep? I think it is
Speaker 1: so deep. I think we have a habit that we
Speaker 1: don't realize. Everybody talks about morning routines. Will you have one?
Speaker 1: You stand in front of yourself and you either ignore
Speaker 1: yourself or you beat the out of yourself. That's your habit,
Speaker 1: that's your relationship with yourself. That's what everybody on the
Speaker 1: planet does. And so as I walked into the bathroom
Speaker 1: that morning, this whole idea of the high five felt
Speaker 1: a little bit more profound. And so I finished brushing
Speaker 1: my teeth and I and I want you know, when
Speaker 1: you practice this, do it right after you brush your teeth,
Speaker 1: because based on the research, when you stack a habit
Speaker 1: with some a new habit with something you're already doing,
Speaker 1: it's way easier for your brain to remember it, to
Speaker 1: encode it in your neural pathways, and to make it
Speaker 1: something you always do. And so I put the toothbrush
Speaker 1: down and I take a minute, and I'm just staring
Speaker 1: at myself and I'm not even seeing my face or
Speaker 1: my body. I'm just seeing the human being the woman
Speaker 1: that is re flected back in the mirror. And it's
Speaker 1: a very intimate moment. And what I've found in researching
Speaker 1: now this book is how startling it is how many
Speaker 1: people don't even and can't even look at themselves. And
Speaker 1: so I thought to myself, and this is the first
Speaker 1: thing that you're going to do when you practice this,
Speaker 1: is look at the human being that's staring back at you,
Speaker 1: because that's the person you go through life with. There's
Speaker 1: only one human being you spend your whole life with,
Speaker 1: and they're with you every morning in the mirror, and
Speaker 1: they need you. They need your support, they need your encouragement,
Speaker 1: they need you to cheer for them. They need to
Speaker 1: be seen, they need to be felt, they need to
Speaker 1: be heard, and you have spent almost your whole life
Speaker 1: ignoring them. And so I want you to think, for
Speaker 1: just a second, what does the woman in the mirror
Speaker 1: need for me today? How do I need to show
Speaker 1: up for her? And it's an interesting way to set
Speaker 1: an intention because normally, as you think about the day ahead,
Speaker 1: you're thinking about all the things you need to do,
Speaker 1: which are typically for everybody else. I want you to
Speaker 1: take an intentional moment of reflection with you, and research
Speaker 1: from Harvard shows that simply reflecting on how you're going
Speaker 1: to show up today for less than a minute, it
Speaker 1: changes your level of focus and productivity, and it changes
Speaker 1: how you show up and your ability to impact people
Speaker 1: around you, including yourself. So ask yourself, how can you
Speaker 1: show up for the person that you see in the
Speaker 1: mirror today? And then secondly, ask yourself, what game are
Speaker 1: we going to play today? Like what matters to me
Speaker 1: that I can make a little progress on? And then
Speaker 1: once you kind of think about that, just raise your
Speaker 1: hand and seal it with a high five. Now here's
Speaker 1: the interesting thing about this. The science on this is crazy, absolutely,
Speaker 1: Like you cannot believe how incredible of an idea this is.
Speaker 1: Because I'm about to prove to you that you don't
Speaker 1: have to do anything other than raise your hand in
Speaker 1: high five yourself. You don't have to didn't anything, say anything,
Speaker 1: You don't have to do anything. Your entire nervous system,
Speaker 1: your heart, and your brain are already programmed to receive
Speaker 1: this new like programming. I'm gonna give you. It's incredible.
Speaker 1: So here's what's gonna here's what's gonna happen. First of all,
Speaker 1: when you first do this tomorrow morning, you gotta give
Speaker 1: me five days of doing this in a row. You
Speaker 1: cannot do this for one day and then roll your eyes.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be with you so because we're going away,
Speaker 1: so we're like, I'm gonna I want to watch you
Speaker 1: in the mirror and do it too. Okay, you gotta
Speaker 1: do this five days in a row. Because number one,
Speaker 1: it's gonna feel weird. And let me explain to you,
Speaker 1: based on using neuroscience, why it will feel weird. Your
Speaker 1: brain is not wired to do new things. Your brain
Speaker 1: loves patterns. This is why you and I were talking
Speaker 1: about patterns last time. And so I write, I'm a
Speaker 1: right hander. I don't even think when I'm writing with
Speaker 1: my right hand because it's already a pattern. I could
Speaker 1: write with my left hand, but how would it feel
Speaker 1: weird because I've never done it before. But if I
Speaker 1: kept writing with my right hand, Let's say I lost
Speaker 1: my arm in an accident, I could learn how to
Speaker 1: write with my left hand, and over time, by repeating it,
Speaker 1: it would become the second nature and wouldn't feel weird.
Speaker 1: So the high five is going to feel weird in
Speaker 1: your body because you've never done it before, and in fact,
Speaker 1: you're breaking a habit. That's the opposite of high fiving yourself.
Speaker 1: You are literally breaking the habit of criticizing yourself. So
Speaker 1: the cool thing is that when you go to raise
Speaker 1: your hand and high five your own reflection, your brain
Speaker 1: will kick into a subconscious mode. So let's talk about
Speaker 1: a high five. When you give somebody a high five.
Speaker 1: When you're like high five and your kids or a
Speaker 1: friend high fives you, what is a high five? The
Speaker 1: gesture alone communicate to you, good job, you're awesome. You
Speaker 1: do that to me every time. I so, so when
Speaker 1: she high fives you, what does it feel? I know
Speaker 1: you do, I know, It's like I don't know. It
Speaker 1: feels very validating. It feels very like you know, it
Speaker 1: feels good. Yeah, it's I believe in you, I see
Speaker 1: you keep going. I love you. If somebody's going down
Speaker 1: and our attitude or energy is low and you high five,
Speaker 1: somebody's like, shug it off, come on, we got this.
Speaker 1: It's celebratory, it's empowering. It's it's positive, it is supportive,
Speaker 1: it's validating. You said the word. It validates your most
Speaker 1: foundational needs of being seen, of being loved, being celebrated.
Speaker 1: It feels so good. All of that positive programming associated
Speaker 1: with a high five that you've given to other people,
Speaker 1: it's already in your brain. So when you raise your
Speaker 1: hand to your own reflection, your brain recognizes the gesturing
Speaker 1: and you cannot think, I suck, I screwed up my marriage,
Speaker 1: my kids are ruined. You can't even think it because
Speaker 1: your brain won't allow it because forever it has associated
Speaker 1: that positive stuff with the gesture. So the more you
Speaker 1: do it, you silence the stuff you say to yourself,
Speaker 1: and you override it and program in all the positive
Speaker 1: stuff associated with a high five with the person in
Speaker 1: the mirror. And that's not all. You get a boost
Speaker 1: in your mood. Now. Dr Daniel Aiman, who is the
Speaker 1: world's leading expert on the brain. I talked to him
Speaker 1: for two hours about the high five habit. He went bananas.
Speaker 1: He's like, mel l, do you know why you get
Speaker 1: a boost in your mood? I said no. He said, well,
Speaker 1: because when somebody high fives you in life, you get
Speaker 1: a drip of dopamine, the chemical in your brain that
Speaker 1: makes you feel good. When you high five yourself, your
Speaker 1: brain does the same thing because the action is already programmed,
Speaker 1: is something that you know and do in your brain.
Speaker 1: The other thing that happens when you keep doing this
Speaker 1: for more than five days is you will start to
Speaker 1: feel a little jolt of energy. And Dr Daniel Aiman
Speaker 1: explained why to me too. He said, because when you
Speaker 1: raise your hand and wave at somebody, it's a positive celebration.
Speaker 1: When you raise your arms to hug somebody, it's a
Speaker 1: positive celebration. When you raise your arm when you cross
Speaker 1: the finish line, it's a positive celebration. When you go
Speaker 1: to high five somebody and raise your arm, it's a
Speaker 1: positive celebration. When you start to do this every single morning,
Speaker 1: you're nervous system, it's like, oh, of course, it's a
Speaker 1: positive celebration of self, and so your nervous system gives
Speaker 1: you that feel good, energizing jolt. That's why it immediately
Speaker 1: makes you feel like you're leaving the bathroom with a
Speaker 1: little bit of momentum to go face the day instead
Speaker 1: of dragging all your problems with you. It's incredible. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And I like where you say to um, because if
Speaker 1: I was to ask myself what I need, Like if
Speaker 1: I was to look in the mirror and be like,
Speaker 1: what do you need today, Like, I'd like, just like
Speaker 1: love me, like just like be kind to me, be
Speaker 1: nice to me, like love me. And it's like when
Speaker 1: you start to like be like, all right, I got you,
Speaker 1: you know, it's like you're actually being your friend. You're
Speaker 1: you're being you know how I am for my friends
Speaker 1: are like and it's crazy that we don't. We're where
Speaker 1: the we're the worse with ourselves. Let me just let
Speaker 1: me just say that, Like she is so good at
Speaker 1: doing that for other people, of course, I mean by
Speaker 1: far the best. I think it's now, like she said,
Speaker 1: you can do it for other people, but then doing
Speaker 1: it for yourself is so important. Nobody has trained you have,
Speaker 1: no one, nobody on the planet knows how to do
Speaker 1: this for themselves. See, we were born celebrating ourselves. You know,
Speaker 1: if you think about when your kids were really little
Speaker 1: and they saw a mirror, they'd crawl right up to
Speaker 1: it and kissed themselves. They wouldn't roll backwards and be like,
Speaker 1: look at those size, there's so bad. And my son
Speaker 1: Jay's just like he learned how to like climb up
Speaker 1: this wall, and he got up from this little wall
Speaker 1: climb and he starts clapping at himself, and I was like, yeah, buddy,
Speaker 1: you did it. Yeah, exactly Exactly what happens is is
Speaker 1: that for many people, you grew up in a household
Speaker 1: where you're not safe, or where there's a tremendous chaos,
Speaker 1: or where you have to like start to cope in
Speaker 1: ways that make you go silent, or what happens with
Speaker 1: everybody as we've all had the experience of taking a
Speaker 1: tray and walking into a Cafeterian elementary school and seeing
Speaker 1: a bunch of kids you want to go sit with,
Speaker 1: and then what happens is you become your own sorting hat,
Speaker 1: and as a means to protect yourself from rejection, you
Speaker 1: basically start the negative self talk. You start to tell
Speaker 1: yourself where you belong and where you don't. You start
Speaker 1: to pick yourself apart and then say, so, go over
Speaker 1: here because you don't have the genes that they're wearing.
Speaker 1: Or go over there because your skin color isn't the same,
Speaker 1: or go here because you don't belong there. And so
Speaker 1: that's how it begins, through self rejection, and it happens
Speaker 1: over and over and over again. And that's why there
Speaker 1: are only two reactions that people have to this. You
Speaker 1: either start doing it and you'll start crying because you'll
Speaker 1: realize how much you've longed to feel this way, or
Speaker 1: more likely, you're going to resist it. And this is
Speaker 1: the sad part, and this is what you were talking
Speaker 1: about just a second ago. The resistance is something that's horrible.
Speaker 1: The resistance is the fact that when you stand in
Speaker 1: front of yourself every morning in the mirror, you drag
Speaker 1: with you everything from your past. You believe that because
Speaker 1: of all the things that you've survived, the abuse, the trauma,
Speaker 1: the heartbreak, the neglect, whatever it is that you've faced,
Speaker 1: that somehow that's evidence that you're unworthy or damaged or
Speaker 1: broken or whatever you say. Or you take all the
Speaker 1: things that you've done that, you regret that. You can't
Speaker 1: forgive yourself for that you just did because you were
Speaker 1: trying to survive all those things you would forgive other
Speaker 1: people for. But you can't look yourself in the mirror
Speaker 1: and forgive yourself because you see that as evidence that
Speaker 1: you're a bad person. And then you stand there in judgment,
Speaker 1: which is why you're going to resist this. And what
Speaker 1: I'm here to say, and what I want every human
Speaker 1: being on this planet to know, is that if you
Speaker 1: can drag yourself out of bed, if you can stand
Speaker 1: before the mirror and you're still breathing in spite of
Speaker 1: all that stuff, and you're still here trying another day
Speaker 1: to do just a little bit better, you not only
Speaker 1: deserve a high five, you've earned one. You need one.
Speaker 1: You know, life is a marathon. And if you ever
Speaker 1: watch a marathon, the spectators don't cross their arms and
Speaker 1: stand at mile eight and go, I'm not clapping for
Speaker 1: you till you get to the finish line. You look terrible.
Speaker 1: You see how lame that timing was for mile five.
Speaker 1: I think you're a runner. You shouldn't even be in
Speaker 1: this race. We don't do that. We clap and cheer
Speaker 1: just like your son, and we high five them every
Speaker 1: step of the way. Why because the most motivating force
Speaker 1: on the planet is feeling seen, celebrated and supported, and
Speaker 1: that's what we all need every single step of the way.
Speaker 1: And there's another reason why we don't resist we resist this,
Speaker 1: and the reason is sad. It's because we've been trained.
Speaker 1: You believe that our worth is measured by whether or
Speaker 1: not somebody else loves us. Are worth is measured by
Speaker 1: whether or not we have the followers, or the right car,
Speaker 1: or the right number on the scale, or the right
Speaker 1: money in the bank, or you know, if you're not
Speaker 1: where you think you should be, that you don't deserve
Speaker 1: a high five. And so part of your healing and
Speaker 1: part of you finding your power again is going to
Speaker 1: happen when you can stand in front of that mirror
Speaker 1: and you can raise your hand and you can celebrate
Speaker 1: and support yourself exactly where you are right now. You
Speaker 1: can see a human being who's trying to heal, you
Speaker 1: can support her every step of the way. You can
Speaker 1: forgive yourself for the times that you didn't listen to
Speaker 1: yourself because you didn't know any better, and you can
Speaker 1: celebrate yourself as you wake up every day and you
Speaker 1: try to do just a little bit better. You start
Speaker 1: to do that, your relationship with your self changes. The
Speaker 1: power that you're seeing can the validation that you deserve
Speaker 1: and need. It gets located back inside you. And let
Speaker 1: me tell you something I don't give you. When you're
Speaker 1: ready to start dating, when you are able to feel
Speaker 1: loved and seen and validated by yourself, you're not gonna
Speaker 1: let any motherfucker screw around with you because you will
Speaker 1: have your own back. You will be able to listen
Speaker 1: when that wisdom rises up. You are not going to
Speaker 1: tolerate being treated with disrespect because you are respecting yourself
Speaker 1: every morning. It begins with you. And so I am
Speaker 1: so excited for you to start doing this for real
Speaker 1: because it sounds cheesy, but I am telling you this
Speaker 1: cuts down to the deepest, most foundational thing that everybody needs.
Speaker 1: And where can everybody? Is out now on Amazon? Or
Speaker 1: is it coming out? Oh it's you can get it.
Speaker 1: It's in twenty two languages. You can I don't know
Speaker 1: when this is airing, but yes, you can order it
Speaker 1: right now. You can order it in multiple format. Um.
Speaker 1: It's it's super exciting and I don't know if we
Speaker 1: have time to, but I want to teach you that
Speaker 1: this other thing of high five in your hearts. This now,
Speaker 1: you put your hands on the center of your chest.
Speaker 1: I'm right there on top of each other. You're gonna
Speaker 1: take a deep breath, and then you're going to repeat
Speaker 1: these three sentences. Okay, I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm safe,
Speaker 1: I'm safe, I'm loved, I'm I'm loved. Why don't you
Speaker 1: say those three again? I started crying. Go ahead, take
Speaker 1: a deep breath and do it again. I'm okay, I'm safe,
Speaker 1: I'm loved. Now. The reason why I want you to
Speaker 1: do this right after you get out of bed is
Speaker 1: because after the last eighteen months, every human being on
Speaker 1: the planet has a stressed out, on edge nervous system.
Speaker 1: Your sympathetic nervous system is running on overdrive. It is
Speaker 1: impossible to learn new behavior. It is impossible to get
Speaker 1: your prefrontal cortex to be able to focus on anything
Speaker 1: when your nervous system is on edge. When your nervous
Speaker 1: system is on edge, you are also very prone to
Speaker 1: being hijacked by trauma patterns because those trauma patterns are
Speaker 1: stored in your nervous system. So by saying I'm okay,
Speaker 1: I'm safe, I'm loved, which is if you can hear
Speaker 1: it and you can say it, it's true in that moment,
Speaker 1: and by putting your hands on your heart, you're stimulating
Speaker 1: something called your vegas nerve. Now, your vegas nerve is
Speaker 1: a treasure inside of you that you need to discover.
Speaker 1: It is the on off switch for your on edge, disregulated, traumatic,
Speaker 1: stressed out nervous system. When you simply put your hands
Speaker 1: on your heart, because the vegas nerve runs from the
Speaker 1: seat all the way through every major organ, through your
Speaker 1: vocal cords, and through your head to the top of it.
Speaker 1: When you simply put your hands here and you press
Speaker 1: against the vegas nerve and you say I'm okay, I'm safe,
Speaker 1: I'm loved, you will come back into your body. You're
Speaker 1: stressed out nervous system will turn off, and you'll turn
Speaker 1: on your calm, cool, parasympathetic nervous system, and you will
Speaker 1: start your day grounded in your body. You will start
Speaker 1: your day with a nervous system that is calm, that
Speaker 1: is regulated, that is able to then go and receive
Speaker 1: the love and the encouragement and the support that you're
Speaker 1: going to feel when you raise your hand in celebration
Speaker 1: to the woman that you see in the mirror, who
Speaker 1: is showing up for yet another day on the marathon
Speaker 1: of this life, knowing that no matter what happens today,
Speaker 1: she can handle it. She can have her own back,
Speaker 1: and she's going to take this moment in her life
Speaker 1: and she's going to use it because she knows it
Speaker 1: is preparing her for something extraordinary that's coming. I mean,
Speaker 1: I'm ready to go to bed because i want to
Speaker 1: wake up high five the shout of myself in the morning.
Speaker 1: So if my hands are in my heart, I cannot
Speaker 1: thank you enough for these tools. This I mean not.
Speaker 1: I'm going to just listen to the last five minutes
Speaker 1: to that you just I mean just just thank you
Speaker 1: for for your light, for your light, for your your motivation,
Speaker 1: for your tools, for your heart. It means so much.
Speaker 1: So thank you, seriously. You're welcome. You're welcome, and you
Speaker 1: know I want you to know. I want to invite
Speaker 1: you to do something with us. So we're doing this
Speaker 1: free high five Challenge. It's five days where I'm going
Speaker 1: to give you the tools, the coaching, the community that
Speaker 1: you need to practice this stuff. Just go to high
Speaker 1: five Challenge dot com. Great, it's free. I got you,
Speaker 1: I want you in there for you and I believe
Speaker 1: in you. I thank you so much. I appreciate it. Okay,
Speaker 1: we'll talk soon. Thanks changing absolutely. Yes, I love you, baby,
Speaker 1: Hi five, I love her. I'm gonna high five you.
Speaker 1: I love how we went in too, like childhood traumas
Speaker 1: to Yeah, that was good. I'm going to re listen
Speaker 1: to this episode was steep. It was good. It was
Speaker 1: very deep and good. And now I'm gonna go to
Speaker 1: bed and high five myself in the morning. Let's I'll
Speaker 1: try it though. I'm gonna try. Yeah, I'm just afraid
Speaker 1: that I'm gonna like break my mirror because I'm gonna
Speaker 1: be like overly excited about it, like I'm gonna be
Speaker 1: like by you, and then it just like breaks. I'll
Speaker 1: figure it out, alright, guys, go high five Okay. Bye,