WEBVTT - The Secret Weapon You NEED When Going Through Divorce 0:00:00.490 --> 0:00:03.340 Thank you. 0:00:19.070 --> 0:00:22.890 Hello, welcome back to I Do Part Two. It's Bachelor 0:00:22.930 --> 0:00:28.290 Nation alum Courtney Robertson taking over and I am excited. Today, 0:00:28.750 --> 0:00:30.540 I get to pick the brain of a woman who 0:00:30.710 --> 0:00:33.300 maybe has one of the most unique jobs I've ever 0:00:33.360 --> 0:00:38.900 heard of. She's a divorce coach and a certified divorce mediator. Yes, 0:00:39.000 --> 0:00:42.100 please sign me up. She hosts the podcast, The Ugly 0:00:42.159 --> 0:00:45.920 Truth of Divorce. Help me welcome back to our show, 0:00:46.220 --> 0:00:47.160 Samantha Boss. 0:00:47.840 --> 0:00:48.560 How's it going? 0:00:50.220 --> 0:00:52.200 I've never been better. How are you? 0:00:52.890 --> 0:00:55.570 That sounded fake. I'm good. 0:00:56.330 --> 0:00:57.250 All right. 0:00:57.770 --> 0:01:02.230 So welcome back to our show, Samantha Boss. Samantha, will 0:01:02.250 --> 0:01:05.190 you marry me? I know you have been through a 0:01:05.250 --> 0:01:10.810 high-conflict divorce yourself. I've heard you were involved in over, what, 0:01:10.810 --> 0:01:16.160 300 filings and cost over $ 100, 000. I'm only a few 0:01:16.190 --> 0:01:19.020 months into mine, and we just spoke briefly before we 0:01:19.080 --> 0:01:23.240 hit record. But I can already understand how things get 0:01:23.280 --> 0:01:27.490 so out of control, really. Yeah. But I mean, so 0:01:27.530 --> 0:01:29.930 you've been through a very... I know you don't like 0:01:29.970 --> 0:01:32.760 the word contentious. I've listened to all of your podcasts, 0:01:32.800 --> 0:01:36.620 which you are doing the Lord's work because it's helped me. 0:01:36.660 --> 0:01:38.500 It's also like something that I don't know that I 0:01:38.540 --> 0:01:41.970 want to share because... I don't know. Like you're a 0:01:42.010 --> 0:01:44.410 secret weapon to a lot of people. Right. 0:01:44.750 --> 0:01:46.509 I know. And I just had a case the other 0:01:46.530 --> 0:01:49.950 day where I found out both sides were using me 0:01:50.190 --> 0:01:52.150 at the same time, which I think is a blessing. 0:01:52.990 --> 0:01:54.750 At least you've been, you know, both people have been 0:01:54.770 --> 0:01:57.610 well-versed on what I think are the expectations of how 0:01:57.650 --> 0:01:58.950 to do this. But yeah, I went through a high 0:01:58.990 --> 0:02:02.030 conflict divorce. It was a couple of decades ago. I've 0:02:02.050 --> 0:02:04.490 helped a lot of people since then. And I've learned 0:02:04.550 --> 0:02:07.290 a lot. I think with age comes perspective and wisdom. 0:02:07.630 --> 0:02:10.230 And I've raised one whole set of kids who being 0:02:10.250 --> 0:02:13.090 a divorced parent and now they're 22 and 20 and 0:02:13.110 --> 0:02:15.630 they're part of my business and helping parents understand what 0:02:15.669 --> 0:02:18.430 kids are going through in a high conflict dynamic. And 0:02:18.450 --> 0:02:21.310 then now with my unicorn husband, Bear, I have two 0:02:21.330 --> 0:02:24.010 small children. So I have like a whole new, I've 0:02:24.030 --> 0:02:27.110 never raised kids with somebody before that actually loves and 0:02:27.150 --> 0:02:29.590 respects me. So this is a whole new wheelhouse having 0:02:29.669 --> 0:02:32.740 two more kids with somebody and doing it together versus 0:02:32.780 --> 0:02:35.679 a single parent in a high conflict dynamic. So I've 0:02:35.700 --> 0:02:37.299 seen both sides of the coin. I've been on both 0:02:37.340 --> 0:02:39.120 sides of the table. And I just feel like I 0:02:39.160 --> 0:02:40.540 have a lot to share and a lot of wisdom 0:02:40.600 --> 0:02:43.280 to give other parents that are going through a divorce 0:02:43.320 --> 0:02:45.240 in general, but also a divorce that might be high 0:02:45.280 --> 0:02:47.000 conflict where both parties aren't getting along. 0:02:47.410 --> 0:02:51.710 Well, up to date here, I just want to share, 0:02:51.730 --> 0:02:55.269 I filed on July 4th, Independence Day. 0:02:55.370 --> 0:02:56.470 I've got three little kids. 0:02:56.530 --> 0:02:59.690 If you're here, you've probably heard the last couple episodes 0:02:59.710 --> 0:03:03.169 I've done, but we are not getting along to say 0:03:03.210 --> 0:03:07.610 the least. The locks were changed. I have an order 0:03:07.650 --> 0:03:10.709 of protection. I haven't had any of my belongings. I 0:03:10.750 --> 0:03:15.880 have since established a new residence. And I feel, like 0:03:15.940 --> 0:03:18.760 I said earlier, you don't like the word high conflict 0:03:18.900 --> 0:03:21.440 or narcissist. I've listened to all of your episodes, which 0:03:21.560 --> 0:03:24.220 if you're going through this, and obviously my situation's a 0:03:24.260 --> 0:03:26.280 little bit different because I am somewhat in the public 0:03:26.400 --> 0:03:29.040 eye and I've talked about it. And you kind of 0:03:29.060 --> 0:03:31.380 touched on the fact that you went through this decades ago. 0:03:31.400 --> 0:03:32.380 Decades ago. 0:03:32.900 --> 0:03:35.820 So you were probably like, what, on the MySpace side 0:03:35.860 --> 0:03:36.240 of things? 0:03:36.360 --> 0:03:39.500 It was definitely the MySpace. Facebook had just come out. 0:03:39.520 --> 0:03:46.260 I Facebook was like brand new. And so all of 0:03:46.700 --> 0:03:51.420 social media nowadays, I can't even imagine the ploy to 0:03:51.460 --> 0:03:53.380 want to put stuff on the internet because it's how 0:03:53.400 --> 0:03:55.360 we live every day. We're posting pictures of our kids. 0:03:55.400 --> 0:03:58.790 We're doing stories on Instagram. Like we're sharing what we eat, how, 0:03:58.810 --> 0:04:01.070 where we go and the divorce is part of your life. 0:04:01.130 --> 0:04:04.090 But I can't imagine posting it. And I see it 0:04:04.110 --> 0:04:06.390 all the time. I'm all over social media myself and I'm, 0:04:06.590 --> 0:04:09.990 I'm consumed by with the amount of parents going through 0:04:10.010 --> 0:04:13.510 a divorce with a custody battle, contingents and high conflict 0:04:13.570 --> 0:04:16.400 on top of that, that are posting about it and 0:04:16.520 --> 0:04:19.240 talking about it and not in a like, man, I'm 0:04:19.260 --> 0:04:22.680 going through something, But can you believe what my ex did? 0:04:22.720 --> 0:04:25.529 And here's a text message screen and a screenshot of it. 0:04:25.540 --> 0:04:30.120 And here's what happened yesterday. I cannot imagine the fallout 0:04:30.140 --> 0:04:32.320 that that could possibly have on a negative level in 0:04:32.339 --> 0:04:35.660 your case, because we have to think about in a 0:04:35.680 --> 0:04:39.080 custody battle in family court, you have a judge determining 0:04:39.120 --> 0:04:42.380 what happens with your future, with your children and your finances. 0:04:43.190 --> 0:04:47.469 And this judge is purely going off of their instinct, 0:04:47.610 --> 0:04:50.250 their judgment, what they see and what they hear and 0:04:50.290 --> 0:04:52.870 how they feel that day. And that's a very scary 0:04:52.890 --> 0:04:55.370 thing if you're getting a judge that's a baby boomer, 0:04:55.570 --> 0:04:58.770 a Gen X, and maybe they're not into social media. 0:04:58.870 --> 0:05:02.070 And then they hear about how you've made 17 posts 0:05:02.110 --> 0:05:04.390 in the last two months about your ex in a 0:05:04.430 --> 0:05:07.469 negative light, they may judge you for that. And that's 0:05:07.490 --> 0:05:09.370 not how I wanna lose my kids just because I 0:05:09.390 --> 0:05:12.900 made a post. So I am always telling parents, get 0:05:12.940 --> 0:05:15.960 a best friend, get in a support group, have another 0:05:16.020 --> 0:05:19.900 way to vocalize what's happening to you, to seek your validation, 0:05:20.000 --> 0:05:22.900 to seek your peace, to get your story out, or 0:05:22.940 --> 0:05:25.990 just journal it, or take notes about it now and 0:05:26.060 --> 0:05:29.550 think once you're finally like after the divorce and you're regulated, 0:05:30.070 --> 0:05:32.229 then maybe if you still feel compelled to post and 0:05:32.270 --> 0:05:35.510 tell your story, okay, I waited till my kids were 0:05:36.150 --> 0:05:40.270 way into their teenage years and 18 before I told 0:05:40.310 --> 0:05:43.200 my story. And I had to have their permission to 0:05:43.580 --> 0:05:46.460 because it was my story is their life. And so 0:05:46.500 --> 0:05:48.460 there had to be this understanding that I'm going to 0:05:48.480 --> 0:05:50.780 put some stuff out there that doesn't paint our whole 0:05:50.820 --> 0:05:54.020 family as a great light, me included, them included. And 0:05:54.560 --> 0:05:57.680 so I just really edge of caution to any parent listening, 0:05:58.200 --> 0:06:00.740 really stop and think. How will this play out in 0:06:00.779 --> 0:06:03.560 my court battle? But also what will my kids think 0:06:03.610 --> 0:06:05.890 when they're 32 and sitting with me at a restaurant 0:06:05.910 --> 0:06:08.250 and they ask a question of, hey, why did you 0:06:08.310 --> 0:06:10.910 post our whole childhood on the internet? 0:06:11.190 --> 0:06:12.190 That raises a really. 0:06:12.050 --> 0:06:15.650 Good point because my kids are somewhat on my social 0:06:15.730 --> 0:06:20.360 media and I blocked my ex on social media because 0:06:20.390 --> 0:06:23.539 of the order of protection and harassment and those sort 0:06:23.580 --> 0:06:26.940 of things. And I have a podcast that is, I 0:06:26.960 --> 0:06:29.850 have spoken about this to help other people, but like 0:06:29.870 --> 0:06:32.330 you were talking about being regulated, I am still very 0:06:32.370 --> 0:06:35.270 much in the thick of it. I'm actually currently coming 0:06:35.310 --> 0:06:37.690 off of day five with the kids and we're going 0:06:37.710 --> 0:06:40.310 to get there. But I want to talk about the 0:06:40.330 --> 0:06:43.260 fact that you're remarried because I keep telling people I would, 0:06:44.520 --> 0:06:47.740 it's so easy to get married and it's so, I 0:06:47.820 --> 0:06:53.400 am bleeding money. It's so expensive, stressful. Talk about pooping 0:06:53.440 --> 0:07:00.130 your pants. I mean, holy mackerel, good night. But- you 0:07:00.150 --> 0:07:02.990 got remarried. How long did that take? Because people keep saying, 0:07:03.089 --> 0:07:05.969 never say never, Courtney. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. 0:07:06.230 --> 0:07:09.870 I never plan on getting married again. Could you speak 0:07:09.930 --> 0:07:10.920 to that a little bit? 0:07:11.120 --> 0:07:12.800 I think it's a couple of things. I think first 0:07:12.840 --> 0:07:14.860 and foremost, when you're going through a divorce and co-parenting journey, 0:07:14.880 --> 0:07:17.940 especially reestablishing yourself alone in a home and taking care 0:07:17.960 --> 0:07:21.380 of all the things and work and getting yourself regulated again, 0:07:21.620 --> 0:07:25.280 but also figuring out why didn't this work the first time? 0:07:25.380 --> 0:07:28.160 What about me? Did I enable, what did I not see? 0:07:28.240 --> 0:07:30.110 What did I not, what am I not okay with? 0:07:30.190 --> 0:07:32.830 Or did I have growth and we weren't just compatible anymore? 0:07:33.210 --> 0:07:34.930 I think being able to look and do your own 0:07:35.010 --> 0:07:39.170 self work is key to ever even thinking about moving on. 0:07:39.290 --> 0:07:41.810 And then there's the whole concept of is the person 0:07:41.850 --> 0:07:44.350 I'm picking even compatible with me and my kids and 0:07:44.370 --> 0:07:47.030 the dynamic that how we run the show. I mean, when, 0:07:47.050 --> 0:07:47.730 when I met bear. 0:07:48.840 --> 0:07:49.600 I love that name. 0:07:50.000 --> 0:07:52.680 Does he look like. 0:07:51.640 --> 0:07:55.700 He's six, five to 60? He he's sexy. He was 0:07:56.000 --> 0:08:00.300 a 37 year old bachelor, never married, no debt, no 0:08:00.360 --> 0:08:04.290 crazy exes. He's a unicorn. And me having two kids, 0:08:04.790 --> 0:08:07.370 a crazy ex-husband, a whole situation of being in and 0:08:07.380 --> 0:08:11.230 out of court, total debt out my ass because of court. 0:08:12.530 --> 0:08:13.490 Who would, who would want me? 0:08:13.850 --> 0:08:16.210 But here's the deal. I found him because I was 0:08:16.250 --> 0:08:19.430 in the prime peak condition of myself. My body was good. 0:08:19.530 --> 0:08:21.890 My mind was good. My heart was good. My savings 0:08:21.930 --> 0:08:24.050 was starting to grow. My debt was starting to decrease. 0:08:24.350 --> 0:08:26.450 I felt good. I didn't need anybody at that point. 0:08:26.470 --> 0:08:27.930 I was doing all the things I was mowing the 0:08:27.950 --> 0:08:30.100 yard and doing the house and all of it. And 0:08:30.120 --> 0:08:32.480 I was really confident. And so in walks this eye 0:08:32.510 --> 0:08:34.600 candy five years younger than me. And I was like, yeah, 0:08:34.660 --> 0:08:36.420 you'll be fun to around with for a while or 0:08:36.460 --> 0:08:39.380 play with for a while. And it turns out he 0:08:39.780 --> 0:08:42.130 wanted kids and he didn't know that about himself. But 0:08:42.150 --> 0:08:43.930 I think the key to all of that was I 0:08:43.970 --> 0:08:46.890 was right with myself and I didn't need anyone. And 0:08:47.429 --> 0:08:50.490 then when he came in, he complimented my situation and 0:08:50.530 --> 0:08:52.320 he jumped right in with the kids. He stayed in 0:08:52.360 --> 0:08:54.080 the backseat. And this is what I love to talk about. 0:08:54.600 --> 0:08:57.740 Bear was really good about staying in the backseat until 0:08:57.940 --> 0:09:00.620 I said, hey, join me in the front seat of parenting. 0:09:01.020 --> 0:09:03.380 He stayed in the back and watched. Yeah, he stayed 0:09:03.420 --> 0:09:05.780 back and watched. And I pulled him in sometimes when 0:09:05.820 --> 0:09:08.500 I had to take a bathroom break and leave the car, 0:09:08.760 --> 0:09:10.600 he would jump in. But for the most part, he 0:09:10.620 --> 0:09:12.420 stayed in the back seat and observed for a long 0:09:12.480 --> 0:09:14.920 time because their dad was still in their life. But 0:09:14.980 --> 0:09:17.960 then when their dad left and it was just us, 0:09:18.179 --> 0:09:19.820 I moved him up to the front seat and man, 0:09:19.860 --> 0:09:21.900 he was ready to go. So I think it's finding 0:09:21.960 --> 0:09:24.760 somebody that fits you and your situation, but you gotta 0:09:24.780 --> 0:09:26.740 know who the hell you are first. And I think 0:09:26.780 --> 0:09:29.990 when we jump from man to man, we just chameleon 0:09:30.030 --> 0:09:32.390 ourselves to whatever they need and we fix them and 0:09:32.410 --> 0:09:35.699 we jump into their lives. Bear jumped into our lives 0:09:36.540 --> 0:09:39.380 and he adapted to what we were already doing as 0:09:39.559 --> 0:09:42.160 a mom with two kids running the show. He just 0:09:42.179 --> 0:09:45.560 kind of was a good compliment to our lives. So, 0:09:45.940 --> 0:09:47.640 but it wouldn't have worked if I wasn't ready yet. 0:09:48.040 --> 0:09:51.410 I had to get myself right. 10 years. I single 0:09:51.450 --> 0:09:53.360 parented for 10 years before I ever let anybody in 0:09:53.380 --> 0:09:54.740 the car. Okay. 0:09:54.820 --> 0:09:56.079 That makes, okay. 0:09:56.140 --> 0:09:56.780 That, okay. 0:09:56.800 --> 0:09:57.380 Well, and I'm 43. 0:09:57.440 --> 0:09:58.440 I dated. 0:09:58.460 --> 0:10:01.140 Did you have fun dating? What was that like again? 0:10:01.179 --> 0:10:03.719 Because I've been getting asked out on dates. I took 0:10:03.760 --> 0:10:07.020 my ring off. It's also the digital age now where 0:10:07.040 --> 0:10:09.660 there's dating apps. God, I am not getting on the 0:10:09.679 --> 0:10:10.439 dating apps. No. 0:10:10.620 --> 0:10:13.679 Oh, God, no. It's ridiculous what you will get. I mean, 0:10:13.720 --> 0:10:17.240 any woman that jumps on a dating app just gets bombarded. 0:10:17.380 --> 0:10:20.840 And it's shocking how... repulsive that can be. But I 0:10:20.880 --> 0:10:23.280 think for me, I don't mind dating through divorce. I 0:10:23.300 --> 0:10:26.900 don't mind dating through a beginning co-parenting journey, but you're 0:10:26.920 --> 0:10:29.200 not ever going to really meet your match because you're 0:10:29.240 --> 0:10:31.060 not who you need to be yet. When you're going 0:10:31.080 --> 0:10:33.829 through the divorce process, you're in survival mode. You're in 0:10:34.110 --> 0:10:36.550 fight or flight. Most of the time you're dysregulated most 0:10:36.570 --> 0:10:38.689 of the time. And that's not, you're going to end 0:10:38.710 --> 0:10:41.810 up tracking someone that's dysregulated. And doesn't have their life 0:10:41.850 --> 0:10:44.189 together either because yours isn't. You match what you're giving. 0:10:44.290 --> 0:10:46.610 So if you're putting off and you're in a season 0:10:46.650 --> 0:10:49.740 where you're not put together, you're going to attract not 0:10:49.780 --> 0:10:51.480 put together. And that's not who you want long-term. So 0:10:51.500 --> 0:10:53.780 there's nothing wrong with dating and playing around, but I'm 0:10:53.820 --> 0:10:56.260 not introducing my kids until I'm regulated and meet somebody 0:10:56.300 --> 0:10:57.320 that is also regulated. 0:10:58.960 --> 0:10:59.640 Oh, gosh. 0:10:59.740 --> 0:11:02.420 Well, you guys are both unicorns. So congratulations. 0:11:02.460 --> 0:11:04.080 Well, thank you. We've done a lot of work to 0:11:04.100 --> 0:11:04.400 get here. 0:11:05.580 --> 0:11:06.380 Well, that's where I'm at. 0:11:06.420 --> 0:11:09.530 I'm in the rebuilding phase. And, you know, I am 0:11:09.790 --> 0:11:12.170 definitely very much in the thick of it. Somebody, you know, 0:11:12.190 --> 0:11:14.210 I don't want to share too much, but I have 0:11:14.230 --> 0:11:18.870 been like, you know, it's been really hard navigating this 0:11:18.929 --> 0:11:23.140 transition as far as like 50-50 time with my kids. 0:11:23.340 --> 0:11:25.180 And this is something that I would really like to 0:11:25.220 --> 0:11:29.969 dive into is regulating them because now they're in a 0:11:30.030 --> 0:11:32.210 new house. I'm the one that had to move. I'm 0:11:32.250 --> 0:11:37.650 the one that's ostracized from my own residence and I'm 0:11:37.740 --> 0:11:39.900 bleeding money on a new house. I had to furnish 0:11:40.059 --> 0:11:44.940 it and attorney's fees, et cetera. I also might need 0:11:45.000 --> 0:11:49.319 to switch attorneys at some point because it's a little. 0:11:50.270 --> 0:11:51.890 I don't know. I feel like the needle hasn't been. 0:11:51.790 --> 0:11:55.370 Moved at all, but that's a side note. But so 0:11:55.530 --> 0:11:57.900 the hardest part for me, I've had some good days 0:11:58.100 --> 0:12:00.679 where I'm like, I feel like myself, I don't have anxiety. 0:12:00.720 --> 0:12:04.580 Like I haven't thrown up from anxiety or, you know, 0:12:04.620 --> 0:12:06.700 I don't sleep well at night because you wake up and, 0:12:06.940 --> 0:12:09.560 you know, I'm also dealing with infidelity. I've been with 0:12:09.580 --> 0:12:12.460 this man for eight years. I live in Arizona. It's 0:12:12.500 --> 0:12:16.280 a no fault state. There have been things drug into the, 0:12:16.559 --> 0:12:19.990 and also I'm dealing with an attorney. He has brought 0:12:20.150 --> 0:12:24.320 things into the divorce filing that happened before I even 0:12:24.380 --> 0:12:24.770 knew him. 0:12:25.320 --> 0:12:27.800 Right. That's a very big strategy in a divorce for 0:12:27.840 --> 0:12:31.160 anybody where when someone feels that you're going to change 0:12:31.200 --> 0:12:33.080 their life, you ask for a divorce. 0:12:33.550 --> 0:12:34.209 Yeah. 0:12:34.230 --> 0:12:36.770 You, anybody that does that to their partner, you're asking 0:12:36.840 --> 0:12:40.760 them to change their whole life, not just their household, 0:12:41.100 --> 0:12:43.980 not just not seeing their kids, but their label. They're 0:12:44.000 --> 0:12:46.060 a married man and now they're not a married man. 0:12:46.340 --> 0:12:48.319 And then there's question of a, why aren't they married? 0:12:48.660 --> 0:12:52.130 And so that identity of like what happened is going 0:12:52.170 --> 0:12:54.229 to be labeled onto them and they don't want that. 0:12:54.410 --> 0:12:57.290 It's a narrative shift is the way that I, there's 0:12:57.330 --> 0:12:58.290 a narrative shift. 0:12:58.870 --> 0:13:01.850 How they're being perceived. And show is a big deal 0:13:02.070 --> 0:13:04.830 for any man, for anybody going through divorce. I mean, 0:13:04.850 --> 0:13:06.790 you were also a mom and a married wife and 0:13:06.809 --> 0:13:08.310 you had the house and you had it all. And 0:13:08.350 --> 0:13:10.670 now you're a single mom and a new residence. And 0:13:10.740 --> 0:13:14.350 so back to your original question about the transitions. It's 0:13:14.470 --> 0:13:18.430 very hard for kids to transition from dysregulation to dysregulation. 0:13:18.460 --> 0:13:21.340 Meaning if he's upset at his house and they're having 0:13:21.360 --> 0:13:23.060 to walk on eggshells and pins and needles, and then 0:13:23.080 --> 0:13:24.920 they come over to your house and you're super anxious, 0:13:25.000 --> 0:13:28.640 lack of sleep, and you're paranoid about everything, kids are like, 0:13:28.840 --> 0:13:32.140 oh my gosh, nobody I'm around feels like a warm blanket. 0:13:32.200 --> 0:13:32.970 Everybody feels like ice. 0:13:32.980 --> 0:13:36.500 I could cry right now thinking about it. It takes 0:13:36.620 --> 0:13:39.780 me two days just to get them regulated. 0:13:40.040 --> 0:13:42.540 And that's normal. And that's normal. And everything you've said 0:13:42.679 --> 0:13:44.500 is normal. That's called jet lag. 0:13:44.700 --> 0:13:47.870 You know, they have their little jet lag parenting hangover. 0:13:48.010 --> 0:13:48.630 What did they call it? 0:13:48.670 --> 0:13:49.310 Did you call it? 0:13:49.650 --> 0:13:53.330 You said something like kids get little emotional hangovers too. Yes. 0:13:53.870 --> 0:13:56.530 And they're over there and maybe there's not a nightlight 0:13:56.550 --> 0:13:59.170 like they always had, or there's something uncomfortable or just 0:13:59.480 --> 0:14:01.140 the smell of you is not there. And that's a 0:14:01.179 --> 0:14:03.760 lot for them to get used to. So they're getting 0:14:03.900 --> 0:14:05.319 used to it right now. And they don't know how 0:14:05.360 --> 0:14:07.620 to self-soothe. They don't know how to self-love over there. 0:14:07.640 --> 0:14:09.660 They're not getting all the things they normally got over there. 0:14:10.000 --> 0:14:12.040 And then they're coming back to you literally on an 0:14:12.160 --> 0:14:15.010 empty tank. And so when it takes two days, that's 0:14:15.050 --> 0:14:17.390 you pouring and filling in their tank again of whatever 0:14:17.460 --> 0:14:20.570 love language is missing, maybe food is missing. you know, their, 0:14:20.630 --> 0:14:23.770 their favorite Snuggie or their show or their iPad they 0:14:23.790 --> 0:14:27.010 haven't had or whatever it is, their regulation is off. 0:14:27.130 --> 0:14:29.100 And so your job when they come home, mom is 0:14:29.130 --> 0:14:32.300 to be regulated. But the key takeaway here is you 0:14:32.380 --> 0:14:34.600 have to be regulated to be able to pour into them. 0:14:34.720 --> 0:14:38.160 Otherwise you're just pouring dysregulation into them. You're pouring anxiety 0:14:38.200 --> 0:14:40.580 and chaos into their cup. And then they're like, uh, 0:14:40.640 --> 0:14:42.880 this doesn't feel good either. Like, can somebody in my 0:14:42.920 --> 0:14:45.020 life get their shit together? And I want to feel calm, 0:14:45.040 --> 0:14:47.180 like a warm blanket. So it's really important for your 0:14:47.220 --> 0:14:49.880 listeners to understand when you go through divorce, you have 0:14:49.900 --> 0:14:53.060 to find ways to cope with your stress because you 0:14:53.100 --> 0:14:55.080 can't have your kids walking in the door after being 0:14:55.120 --> 0:14:58.330 gone for two days and being like, okay, what kind 0:14:58.370 --> 0:15:00.590 of mom am I walking into? Is she anxious? Is 0:15:00.630 --> 0:15:03.350 she tired? Is she grouchy? Is she moody? Or this 0:15:03.410 --> 0:15:06.050 is my least favorite one. And if this hits a nerve, 0:15:06.090 --> 0:15:09.570 I'm sorry. But the needy mom, the mom that says, 0:15:09.870 --> 0:15:12.870 oh my gosh, I miss you so much. Like, oh 0:15:12.890 --> 0:15:14.750 my gosh, I've been so lost without you. I can't 0:15:14.790 --> 0:15:17.170 believe you've been gone for two days. And the kid 0:15:17.210 --> 0:15:20.200 is like, look, I'm walking in the door empty already 0:15:20.240 --> 0:15:22.000 from being at the other house. And now I'm walking 0:15:22.060 --> 0:15:24.400 in and you're empty mom. And now I have to 0:15:24.440 --> 0:15:26.900 pour into what little I have left into you and 0:15:26.920 --> 0:15:29.040 be like, Oh, I missed you too. Oh, I love you. 0:15:29.080 --> 0:15:30.760 Oh my gosh. It was so boring without you. I 0:15:30.800 --> 0:15:32.680 hated being gone from you too. I can't believe I 0:15:32.700 --> 0:15:35.100 have to go over. And now this kid is validating 0:15:35.140 --> 0:15:37.560 your feelings. I don't like that mom. I want that 0:15:37.620 --> 0:15:39.560 mom to be like, Hey, let me know when you're 0:15:39.580 --> 0:15:41.600 ready to talk. Let me know if you did anything cool. 0:15:41.900 --> 0:15:44.070 Otherwise I'm here in the couch. If you want some snuggles, 0:15:44.110 --> 0:15:46.680 I'm here. Let the kids catch their bearings when they 0:15:46.720 --> 0:15:49.570 walk in instead of being empty yourself. And then they're 0:15:49.590 --> 0:15:50.430 having to pour into you. 0:15:50.900 --> 0:15:53.950 That is such great advice. And I usually, because we're, 0:15:53.970 --> 0:15:56.330 you know, this is something I've learned. I'm not an attorney. 0:15:56.370 --> 0:15:59.510 I'm surrounded by them. Yes. And I initially, you know, 0:15:59.650 --> 0:16:01.770 we don't have a court-ordered parenting plan. 0:16:02.390 --> 0:16:04.350 I don't want to hear that. Every listener, when you 0:16:04.390 --> 0:16:06.880 separate and leave homes and you separate, everybody should have 0:16:06.900 --> 0:16:09.080 a temporary order from day one. That's not legal advice. 0:16:09.120 --> 0:16:12.980 That's common sense parenting 101, especially in a high conflict dynamic. 0:16:13.020 --> 0:16:15.340 But look at my jaws on the floor. So I propose, 0:16:15.400 --> 0:16:16.840 and by the way, I'm dealing with an attorney. So 0:16:16.980 --> 0:16:20.560 I initially proposed a 223 He has pushed and pushed 0:16:20.580 --> 0:16:24.840 for a 5-2-2-3, which I'm learning on the fly. It's 0:16:24.860 --> 0:16:27.100 like learning to be a mom. You learn as you go. 0:16:27.240 --> 0:16:32.450 And you talking about regulating them, it's really hard. My 0:16:32.510 --> 0:16:34.770 batteries are charged when I get them because I know 0:16:34.810 --> 0:16:35.750 what's going to happen later. 0:16:36.150 --> 0:16:37.300 I don't bad mouth the dad. 0:16:37.320 --> 0:16:40.780 Um, I, you know, but I hear things that have 0:16:40.800 --> 0:16:43.820 been picked up at the other house, which also hurts me, 0:16:45.200 --> 0:16:48.840 hurts me, severs me, or what the mother-in-law said, or 0:16:49.260 --> 0:16:50.300 they have, you know. 0:16:50.480 --> 0:16:53.320 What we, that's by design though. Let's remember that that's 0:16:53.360 --> 0:16:57.400 by design. The other side, anybody of high conflict status, again, 0:16:57.440 --> 0:16:59.920 you changed their life by saying to the world, I 0:16:59.940 --> 0:17:02.340 want a divorce. So the only way to make the 0:17:02.420 --> 0:17:05.500 pain stop is to make your pain greater. And the 0:17:05.560 --> 0:17:07.440 way to do that is to talk about you in 0:17:07.480 --> 0:17:11.130 a negative light, casually, purposefully, it doesn't matter, in front 0:17:11.150 --> 0:17:13.330 of the children. They walk back over to your house. 0:17:13.369 --> 0:17:15.430 They repeat what they've heard, casually or directly. 0:17:15.869 --> 0:17:16.330 Hurts me. 0:17:16.810 --> 0:17:18.990 It hurts you. And you have to realize you can't 0:17:19.030 --> 0:17:21.669 take that personally. That's by design to throw you off. 0:17:21.710 --> 0:17:25.149 Because then what happens? You get upset, whether emotionally or 0:17:25.190 --> 0:17:28.990 just angry. And now you're performing not to your capacity 0:17:29.050 --> 0:17:31.909 as mom. And now you're altering who you are at 0:17:31.950 --> 0:17:34.369 your house in front of them. And the kids are like, wow, 0:17:34.890 --> 0:17:37.270 mom's being really edgy. She's really grouchy or wow. She 0:17:37.290 --> 0:17:39.510 won't stop crying. And now you're not performing. 0:17:39.690 --> 0:17:41.370 I think it's a tactic though. 0:17:41.430 --> 0:17:41.850 Don't you think? 0:17:41.869 --> 0:17:44.810 Oh, a hundred percent because you hurt them with a divorce. 0:17:44.830 --> 0:17:46.990 So they're going to keep hurting you. My ex-husband hurt 0:17:47.020 --> 0:17:47.760 me for a decade. 0:17:48.380 --> 0:17:52.220 Oh, so you're telling me there's a chance. I want 0:17:52.240 --> 0:17:54.220 to get this wrapped up by the end of the month, 0:17:54.680 --> 0:17:57.800 but I'm realizing at just when I see Samantha, the 0:17:57.820 --> 0:17:59.840 light at the end of the tunnel, I get kicked again. 0:17:59.859 --> 0:18:01.179 I get kicked while I'm down. 0:18:01.640 --> 0:18:04.290 Well, it is, it is by design because they want 0:18:04.310 --> 0:18:06.710 to drag out the process because that means it's a 0:18:06.730 --> 0:18:09.550 slow death by a thousand cuts on you bleeding money. 0:18:09.910 --> 0:18:12.280 They know that because that's what happens. They'll bleed you 0:18:12.320 --> 0:18:14.379 for money. That way you just make a rampant decision 0:18:14.420 --> 0:18:16.899 at the end that you aren't really wanting, but you're broke. 0:18:17.040 --> 0:18:18.800 So you have to make the decision. That's why the 0:18:18.820 --> 0:18:21.960 family court system is so screwed up. It's why judges 0:18:22.000 --> 0:18:24.070 and lawyers make all this money and us parents walk 0:18:24.109 --> 0:18:28.409 away broke. I mean, I spent that $ 100, 000 in 2008, 2009, 10. 0:18:28.410 --> 0:18:30.690 So now that would be like $ 300, 000 with the way 0:18:30.710 --> 0:18:31.690 things are charging now. 0:18:31.710 --> 0:18:35.040 Well, I'm already up to about $ 10, 000 and I don't 0:18:35.100 --> 0:18:37.820 even have a judge court ordered parenting plan. 0:18:38.359 --> 0:18:41.699 Well, to me, that's a fault of your attorneys of 0:18:41.780 --> 0:18:44.619 also knowing that you guys are people of upper level 0:18:44.840 --> 0:18:46.560 and they can. And they're going to want you to 0:18:46.580 --> 0:18:48.859