WEBVTT - Sex, Love & Goop with Gwyneth Paltrow 0:00:00.840 --> 0:00:05.840 Oh hello everybody. Oh it's Thursday or Friday, Saturday, Sunday. 0:00:05.880 --> 0:00:07.440 It doesn't matter what day it is that you're listening 0:00:07.480 --> 0:00:09.639 to this podcast, but it comes out every Thursday. And 0:00:09.680 --> 0:00:13.920 this is Dear Chelsea and I'm Chelsea hand Chop and 0:00:14.240 --> 0:00:19.360 this is my co host, Catherine law Hi. So much 0:00:19.400 --> 0:00:22.640 to report. Yes, oh god, I had the best fucking 0:00:22.680 --> 0:00:25.759 weekend ever. You've been on tour, like math, Oh my god, 0:00:25.800 --> 0:00:28.440 it's been the best. I went to Albany, which was awesome. 0:00:28.480 --> 0:00:31.680 I went to Boston. I love Boston. Oh my god. 0:00:31.760 --> 0:00:34.680 The theater was built in eighteen fifty four that I 0:00:34.760 --> 0:00:38.559 performed in in Boston, and it felt like it. I 0:00:38.600 --> 0:00:41.240 was sweating through my jumpsuit. I had to throw away 0:00:41.240 --> 0:00:43.920 my underwear after the show I threw I walked off 0:00:43.960 --> 0:00:46.880 stage at the Orpheum Theater in Boston. First of all, 0:00:46.960 --> 0:00:49.440 one of the best crowds ever. I've had so many 0:00:49.440 --> 0:00:52.120 great crowds on this tour. And I just love performing 0:00:52.120 --> 0:00:54.560 in Boston because I'm an East Coaster and I'm from 0:00:54.560 --> 0:00:56.840 the Vineyard, and I just, you know, all of those 0:00:56.840 --> 0:00:59.560 places feel like home to me. And I walked off 0:00:59.640 --> 0:01:03.160 stage and into what seemed like a prison shower at 0:01:03.200 --> 0:01:06.039 the Orpheum Theater just and I threw my underwear and 0:01:06.080 --> 0:01:08.240 my bra and the garbage. I just was like, these 0:01:08.280 --> 0:01:11.920 two have seen their this is it and uh. And 0:01:11.959 --> 0:01:14.320 then I did two shows of the Beacon, which were 0:01:14.400 --> 0:01:18.839 epic because the first show I had Sarah Cooper, who 0:01:18.959 --> 0:01:20.800 you know that great girls who did all those trumpet 0:01:22.520 --> 0:01:26.039 and then I had Amy Schumer and Sarah Silverman come 0:01:26.080 --> 0:01:30.679 in to do surprise sets, which was the crowd went nuts. 0:01:31.280 --> 0:01:33.760 And my crowds, I have to say everyone at my 0:01:33.800 --> 0:01:36.800 shows Saturday and Sunday at the Beacon, all the comics 0:01:36.800 --> 0:01:40.319 that performed were like, Chelsea, you have the best crowds. 0:01:40.680 --> 0:01:43.720 Amy said it, Sarah said it. I had Matteo Lane, 0:01:43.720 --> 0:01:46.320 who's this incredible comic. If you don't know him, please 0:01:46.319 --> 0:01:49.440 try and find him on Instagram Mateo Lane. He's so funny. 0:01:49.800 --> 0:01:52.320 Hopefully I'll have him when I announced more dates, I 0:01:52.320 --> 0:01:55.160 had rosebud Baker and then Sarah Cooper again Sunday night. 0:01:55.560 --> 0:01:57.320 My crowds are the best crowds and they were in 0:01:57.360 --> 0:01:59.480 the best mood and I'm my family was there. I 0:01:59.520 --> 0:02:02.360 had so many friends there and we just crushed it. 0:02:02.360 --> 0:02:04.880 It was just one of those great weekends. So we 0:02:05.120 --> 0:02:08.799 justin ounced more tour dates in Canada and the Pacific Northwest. 0:02:08.840 --> 0:02:12.720 We're coming to Seattle, We're coming to Eugene and Portland 0:02:12.800 --> 0:02:17.360 and Winnipeg and Vancouver and Toronto and all of those places. 0:02:17.360 --> 0:02:19.760 So please look at Chelsea Handler dot com for your tickets. 0:02:20.280 --> 0:02:24.200 And I'm gonna bring Joe Koy to my Florida dates, 0:02:25.160 --> 0:02:28.680 so we will have some Joe Koy Chelsea Handler duo 0:02:28.840 --> 0:02:34.560 action in Jacksonville Jacksonville, Florida, and we're going to Orlando, Miami, 0:02:34.600 --> 0:02:37.799 and St. Petersburg, So please look at my website by 0:02:37.800 --> 0:02:41.520 your tickets. This tour has been awesome. I'm crushing it 0:02:41.680 --> 0:02:43.600 and I usually don't say that about myself, but I'm 0:02:43.600 --> 0:02:46.520 gonna because I fucking ad and it's a message that 0:02:46.560 --> 0:02:49.600 everyone needs to hear right now. And my thirty day 0:02:49.600 --> 0:02:56.840 alcohol clans is, Oh, I'm a couple of days really, 0:02:56.919 --> 0:02:58.800 because I started a few days after you. You were 0:02:58.840 --> 0:03:01.280 like four days in or something. How have you felt 0:03:01.280 --> 0:03:03.840 on it? Okay, I'm not. It was easy for the 0:03:03.880 --> 0:03:06.160 first couple of weeks, and then once I got to 0:03:06.200 --> 0:03:08.120 New York City and I was I was staying in 0:03:08.160 --> 0:03:10.240 New York, like between my weekends where I go on 0:03:10.240 --> 0:03:11.840 the road and Joe goes on the road, so we 0:03:11.880 --> 0:03:14.080 meet up. The last two weeks we've met up in 0:03:14.080 --> 0:03:16.000 New York. Going to New York and going out to 0:03:16.080 --> 0:03:18.680 restaurants was the most challenging for me because that's where 0:03:18.720 --> 0:03:22.600 I wanted Margarita right. I wanted Margarita no salt and 0:03:22.639 --> 0:03:26.320 I and that was very difficult. But Joe is so 0:03:26.400 --> 0:03:30.080 great because he doesn't care about drinking, so it didn't matter, 0:03:30.200 --> 0:03:32.280 so it was easy to be with him. So we 0:03:32.320 --> 0:03:35.920 started ordering non alcoholic beers and now I'm addicted to 0:03:35.960 --> 0:03:39.480 non alcoholic beer. Class Tower is my favorite. But I 0:03:39.520 --> 0:03:41.680 went into one place and they had the Heideken zero 0:03:41.920 --> 0:03:45.040 and they handed to us, handed it to us, and 0:03:45.320 --> 0:03:47.120 I was like jones ing by the time, I like 0:03:47.320 --> 0:03:49.200 the third day of non alcoholic beer. Once I was 0:03:49.240 --> 0:03:51.800 introduced to it, I was like, oh wait. I was like, 0:03:51.840 --> 0:03:54.680 I need out alcoholic beer right now. Joe, let's go. 0:03:55.120 --> 0:03:56.960 And He's like, oh my god, you're such a non 0:03:56.960 --> 0:04:01.880 alcoholic alcoholic. And they served us a Heineken zero and 0:04:02.040 --> 0:04:05.480 it was warm, and I just I said, we have 0:04:05.560 --> 0:04:07.200 to go right now, and I just left a hundred 0:04:07.200 --> 0:04:09.000 bucks on the table and we departed. I was like, 0:04:09.600 --> 0:04:12.240 I'm already struggling. So it was the last week that 0:04:12.320 --> 0:04:14.680 was the hardest. I broke it. Last night after my 0:04:14.720 --> 0:04:17.480 show at the Beacon, I went out with Matteo, Lane, 0:04:17.480 --> 0:04:20.640 and Alana Glazier from Broad City. She was at my show, 0:04:21.160 --> 0:04:25.440 love her and Matteo and his friend Dorian, and we 0:04:25.680 --> 0:04:30.240 had an apperall sprits at dinner. I had to lovely, Lovely. 0:04:30.560 --> 0:04:34.000 I've been feeling the same way like after week two. 0:04:34.040 --> 0:04:36.640 It was harder, and I kept sort of waiting for 0:04:36.680 --> 0:04:38.680 what everybody talks about, like and I just felt so 0:04:38.760 --> 0:04:42.200 inspired and wonderful and no hangovers and all this stuff. 0:04:42.200 --> 0:04:44.360 I kept waiting for that, but I just found myself 0:04:44.400 --> 0:04:47.640 being very bored in the evenings and very boring. I 0:04:47.680 --> 0:04:50.600 found myself to be boring, Like people come on the 0:04:50.640 --> 0:04:53.040 road in the openers. I have different girls coming to 0:04:53.120 --> 0:04:55.440 different cities, and I think they think, like it's going 0:04:55.480 --> 0:04:58.480 to be this party afterwards, We're gonna go to drink, 0:04:58.720 --> 0:04:59.880 And I was like, I go to my room and 0:05:00.000 --> 0:05:03.039 FaceTime with my boyfriend, and now that's my life and 0:05:03.080 --> 0:05:06.200 I have I have no social skills without alcohol, Like 0:05:06.480 --> 0:05:08.839 I mean, I do, but you have to. It's a hurdle. 0:05:09.120 --> 0:05:12.200 Like going out without drinking is like do I really 0:05:12.200 --> 0:05:14.280 want to do that to myself. I'd rather just go 0:05:14.360 --> 0:05:18.000 home and be by myself, so there's no pressure to socialize, 0:05:18.240 --> 0:05:21.039 you know. And Plus when I'm starting my tours, I liked, 0:05:21.040 --> 0:05:23.480 well this store. I wanted to be really focused, and 0:05:23.520 --> 0:05:26.120 I kept running into people that had done a thirty 0:05:26.160 --> 0:05:29.080 day cleanse, like my hair stylist Ben Scriven in New York. 0:05:29.600 --> 0:05:32.960 He was like, oh, I I took January sober January, 0:05:33.320 --> 0:05:35.640 and then it led to ten more months and I 0:05:35.720 --> 0:05:37.520 was like, oh, is that going to happen to me? 0:05:37.560 --> 0:05:40.000 Am I going to be a sneaky sober person? And 0:05:40.040 --> 0:05:41.880 then I was like no, no, you can't do that, Chelsea, 0:05:42.000 --> 0:05:45.120 Like that is not your personality. So I think it 0:05:45.200 --> 0:05:47.479 has to be accumulative. Like I think people get to 0:05:47.520 --> 0:05:49.360 a month and then they do another month and then 0:05:49.440 --> 0:05:52.120 you start to feel so incredible, but like month three, 0:05:52.560 --> 0:05:55.039 I don't have that kind of time. Another thing that 0:05:55.120 --> 0:05:57.520 happened was that I was eating whatever the funk I 0:05:57.560 --> 0:06:01.920 wanted to do or wanted to and that was counter 0:06:02.279 --> 0:06:05.200 active to my no alcohol right. The one thing I 0:06:05.240 --> 0:06:09.040 did notice is that my skin and my face was tight, 0:06:09.520 --> 0:06:12.120 like is tight. It got tight and everyone was going, 0:06:12.160 --> 0:06:14.560 oh my god, your skin is so incredible. That could 0:06:14.600 --> 0:06:16.720 also be because I'm in love. It could also be 0:06:16.720 --> 0:06:20.640 because I'm getting penetrated on a regular basis. But there 0:06:20.760 --> 0:06:23.360 is a definite component about you know, alcohol does aide you. 0:06:23.520 --> 0:06:27.640 That's not deniable. I mean, but yeah, I I'm glad 0:06:27.720 --> 0:06:29.960 to be done with it. I'm gonna have a drink tonight. 0:06:30.000 --> 0:06:31.719 We're gonna go out to dinner with Joe and his 0:06:31.839 --> 0:06:34.880 son and his ex wife and her friend, and I'm 0:06:35.160 --> 0:06:38.359 planning on having a stiff drink. It's a night for 0:06:38.400 --> 0:06:42.120 a drink. Yeah, And I think I'll just I think 0:06:42.160 --> 0:06:44.880 I'll probably taper off my drinking a little bit. I mean, 0:06:44.920 --> 0:06:46.960 it was already a lot less than I had been. 0:06:47.360 --> 0:06:50.200 But I do like being clear and on stage. I 0:06:50.200 --> 0:06:54.080 don't like having alcohol in my system or around when 0:06:54.080 --> 0:06:56.440 I'm when I'm performing. Yeah, I would imagine it sort 0:06:56.480 --> 0:06:58.000 of slows you down and makes you a little more 0:06:58.000 --> 0:07:01.240 sluggish on stage. Sluggish. And I'll so, Yeah, Like I 0:07:01.279 --> 0:07:03.360 like sharpness. I want to be quick and I want 0:07:03.360 --> 0:07:04.760 to be sharp and I want to know what the 0:07:04.800 --> 0:07:07.680 hell I'm doing so that I'm in complete control of 0:07:07.720 --> 0:07:10.960 the situation. Right. So, I luckily, at the age tender 0:07:11.000 --> 0:07:13.280 age of forty six, I've realized how to do stand up. 0:07:14.600 --> 0:07:16.480 What are you planning on having as your first drink? 0:07:16.840 --> 0:07:20.520 I think it's gonna be champagne. But one of the 0:07:20.520 --> 0:07:23.720 other things that happened at some point during this experiment, 0:07:23.760 --> 0:07:26.880 like there was a night where I woke up in 0:07:26.920 --> 0:07:29.040 the morning and felt like I had a hangover. Like 0:07:29.080 --> 0:07:30.520 if I had had a drink the night before, I 0:07:30.520 --> 0:07:32.280 would have been like, wow, I got a hangover from 0:07:32.320 --> 0:07:34.560 one drink. That happened to me too, did it. Yeah, 0:07:34.600 --> 0:07:36.480 every morning that I was on the road, I woke 0:07:36.560 --> 0:07:38.400 up and felt hung over, And I'm like, this is 0:07:38.520 --> 0:07:41.040 very unfair, because god forbid I was drinking. How the 0:07:41.040 --> 0:07:42.800 funk would I have felt? I wouldn't have been. And 0:07:42.880 --> 0:07:44.720 the schedules when you're when you're on the road, like 0:07:44.760 --> 0:07:47.880 you take four hour car drives. It's a fucking racket. 0:07:47.920 --> 0:07:49.880 And you know, it takes a lot of energy to 0:07:49.920 --> 0:07:51.920 be on stage for an hour and a half or 0:07:51.920 --> 0:07:54.720 however long I do, usually like an hour, ten twenty minutes, 0:07:55.240 --> 0:07:58.360 but it takes a lot. Then with alcohol just compounds 0:07:58.360 --> 0:08:01.400 the situation. So I was like, Oh, if I feel 0:08:01.480 --> 0:08:04.680 hungover without alcohol, what is alcohol going to add to 0:08:04.720 --> 0:08:07.680 the mix. So that's very frustrating, but I felt that 0:08:07.720 --> 0:08:10.360 way too. Yeah, but I think it's going to be champagne. 0:08:10.600 --> 0:08:13.760 Champagne is the thing, Okay, Yeah, well I can't enjoy that. 0:08:13.960 --> 0:08:17.040 I also don't want to minimize that people do have 0:08:17.080 --> 0:08:19.720 real struggles with alcohol. Clearly we're joking about it, but 0:08:19.760 --> 0:08:21.280 I know a lot of our listeners have a lot 0:08:21.280 --> 0:08:24.960 of issues with substances, and so please don't you know, 0:08:25.080 --> 0:08:27.800 I don't want you to feel disrespected or not heard. 0:08:28.440 --> 0:08:31.240 I think having it be this easy to take a 0:08:31.280 --> 0:08:34.400 break is a reason to take a break from alcohol. 0:08:34.440 --> 0:08:36.679 If it is difficult to take a break, then you 0:08:36.800 --> 0:08:39.760 probably have something to talk about, you know, And you 0:08:39.760 --> 0:08:42.000 should take a break if it feels like you can't. 0:08:42.559 --> 0:08:45.160 But I know that people sometimes have to take a 0:08:45.200 --> 0:08:48.560 break and sometimes they have to stop. So you and 0:08:48.640 --> 0:08:52.199 I are clearly just taking a break. And yeah, and 0:08:52.240 --> 0:08:54.240 that was, honestly one of the things that motivated me 0:08:54.280 --> 0:08:58.360 to not quit in the middle is because I thought 0:08:58.360 --> 0:09:00.720 to myself, well, if I can't do the default days, 0:09:00.720 --> 0:09:03.400 then that means something to me, and maybe there is 0:09:03.480 --> 0:09:06.840 an issue with that because I enjoyed drinking, but it 0:09:06.880 --> 0:09:09.560 was kind of a nice refresher to see how I 0:09:09.559 --> 0:09:13.080 function without it and kind of take the temperature on that. Yeah, 0:09:13.160 --> 0:09:15.480 see how I functioned without it? Yeah, exactly because I 0:09:15.480 --> 0:09:17.360 said to Joe, I got I have no social skills. 0:09:17.360 --> 0:09:19.920 He goes, Honey, you can't say that if you don't drink, 0:09:19.960 --> 0:09:22.160 you have no social skills. I'm like, no, I haven't 0:09:22.160 --> 0:09:25.200 had social skills since the pandemic, and not drinking is 0:09:25.240 --> 0:09:29.079 really making me realize it. But we all are lacking 0:09:29.120 --> 0:09:31.240 in social skills right now. You know, we're all just 0:09:31.280 --> 0:09:34.120 gonna be a little weird. There's a lot of gaps 0:09:34.120 --> 0:09:36.800 and conversations where there were none before. Let's just put 0:09:36.800 --> 0:09:39.680 it that way. Yes, absolutely, And by the way, you 0:09:39.720 --> 0:09:41.840 know what, I've got so many d ms on Instagram 0:09:41.840 --> 0:09:43.600 of people who were joining us in the in the 0:09:43.679 --> 0:09:46.040 on the clans. They were like, you've inspired me to 0:09:46.080 --> 0:09:48.040 take thirty days off. I got a girl that said 0:09:48.040 --> 0:09:50.120 she took thirty days off. She's moving on to another 0:09:50.160 --> 0:09:52.280 month because she feels so great. So to all of 0:09:52.280 --> 0:09:54.200 the people that DM me who are listening to this. 0:09:54.400 --> 0:09:58.240 I see your messages and I'm really excited that we're 0:09:58.280 --> 0:10:00.439 able to kind of do this stuff together because it's 0:10:00.480 --> 0:10:02.440 so helpful to do something like this and no other 0:10:02.440 --> 0:10:04.960 people are doing it with you, you know, Yeah, have you? 0:10:05.040 --> 0:10:08.000 Has your husband done it too? Um, he's sort of 0:10:08.040 --> 0:10:12.400 done it. He drank a lot less, we'll put it 0:10:12.480 --> 0:10:15.080 that way. You know. Our love runs deep, So yeah, 0:10:15.120 --> 0:10:18.160 you're running and even deeper now because you guys have 0:10:18.200 --> 0:10:22.720 been watching Sex, Love and Gool. Which brings us to 0:10:22.760 --> 0:10:26.480 our next guests. And she's a very exciting guest. But 0:10:26.600 --> 0:10:28.720 we have to take an ad break. Oh, we'll be 0:10:28.840 --> 0:10:33.800 right back. Okay. Sounds good. Okay, So I'm going to 0:10:33.800 --> 0:10:36.280 go ahead and introduce our guest for today, who is 0:10:36.320 --> 0:10:38.200 a dear friend of mine. I love her so much. 0:10:38.240 --> 0:10:41.880 She's an actress. She's an entrepreneur and CEO and founder 0:10:41.960 --> 0:10:48.319 of Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow. Her show is Sex, Love and Goop. 0:10:48.559 --> 0:10:51.760 It premiers Thursday, October one, which means you can catch 0:10:51.760 --> 0:10:55.200 it today. It's a new six part series on Netflix, 0:10:55.679 --> 0:11:00.360 and I am very excited to introduce my friend Gunnet. Hello. 0:11:00.000 --> 0:11:07.000 Oh hello, call her go ahead, caller, caller, are you there? 0:11:07.080 --> 0:11:11.240 It's meet Chelsea callor Esther. Are you there? Is that you? 0:11:11.520 --> 0:11:13.520 We see you? Baby? I see you? Can you see me? 0:11:13.760 --> 0:11:19.080 You look beautiful? Oh honey, not as beautiful as you? Hi? Hi, Hi, Hi? 0:11:19.400 --> 0:11:21.920 Where are you? I just got to l A. We're 0:11:21.920 --> 0:11:24.600 in a studio in l A. This is my co host, Katherine. 0:11:24.720 --> 0:11:29.360 She's my producer on this podcast. She will be joining us. 0:11:29.440 --> 0:11:34.440 Nice to meet you, Gwyneth. Let's get right into it. Okay, Yeah, 0:11:34.920 --> 0:11:37.199 I would like to start with a you just came 0:11:37.200 --> 0:11:40.440 out with a new vibrator that was very exciting for 0:11:40.520 --> 0:11:43.240 everybody to find out about, because you've been at the 0:11:43.240 --> 0:11:50.360 forefront of celebrities embracing their sex lives and discussing all 0:11:50.400 --> 0:11:54.160 the kind of taboo subjects that everybody in our industry 0:11:54.160 --> 0:11:56.360 seems to be very shy about. So as I was 0:11:56.440 --> 0:11:59.080 reading this quote about you, it sounded a lot about 0:11:59.240 --> 0:12:01.880 like a quote about out me. It says Gwyneth has 0:12:01.880 --> 0:12:05.440 always pushed uncomfortable topics forward and been an advocate for 0:12:05.480 --> 0:12:10.040 normalizing the conversation around female pleasure. And I thought, what 0:12:10.080 --> 0:12:13.520 a great thing to be an advocate for female pleasure. 0:12:14.320 --> 0:12:17.200 And I know from our own friendship forgive me when 0:12:17.200 --> 0:12:19.760 I call her Esther listeners. I called Gwyneth Esther and 0:12:19.800 --> 0:12:22.520 she calls me YELSEI because we have a history together 0:12:23.040 --> 0:12:25.280 and those are our nicknames from a long time ago. 0:12:26.120 --> 0:12:28.600 And I'm not really even sure why, but we've stuck 0:12:28.640 --> 0:12:34.160 with it. I know, why, tell me? Why do you remember? Why? Yeah, 0:12:34.200 --> 0:12:36.640 but I'll tell I'll tell you, Okay. It sounds like 0:12:36.679 --> 0:12:40.000 an ex boyfriend that I'm not just supposed to mention anyway, 0:12:40.360 --> 0:12:44.720 both it's a double penetration ex boyfriend. We're not supposed 0:12:44.720 --> 0:12:49.040 to mention. But we have had very candid conversations about sex, 0:12:49.440 --> 0:12:52.040 you and I have, and and I have to say, 0:12:52.120 --> 0:12:55.200 you know, growing up and knowing of Gwyneth, and before 0:12:55.200 --> 0:12:57.920 I knew her personally, I had an idea about you 0:12:58.040 --> 0:13:01.000 and I had a not a judgment, I want to say, 0:13:01.040 --> 0:13:05.679 but I just thought, wow, yeah, I know I didn't 0:13:05.679 --> 0:13:09.160 eat you, but I just definitely thought you were very patrician. 0:13:09.400 --> 0:13:12.320 That's the right word, right, patrician, which isn't to say 0:13:12.360 --> 0:13:14.360 that you aren't. But when I did get to know you, 0:13:14.400 --> 0:13:17.920 one of the things the most endearing qualities about you 0:13:18.080 --> 0:13:21.840 is how open you are about sex, and how open 0:13:21.920 --> 0:13:25.600 you are about everything really and I remember talking about 0:13:25.600 --> 0:13:27.959 our sex lives, and we were we had a very 0:13:28.040 --> 0:13:30.640 kind of candid conversation with a bunch of people around, 0:13:30.720 --> 0:13:34.040 and I just thought, oh, this is this is more freeing. 0:13:34.640 --> 0:13:37.520 And you were more free than I was at that point, 0:13:37.840 --> 0:13:40.520 which I thought, Oh, how ironic. I'm known as this 0:13:40.600 --> 0:13:44.120 person who's outspoken and says everything, and yet you were 0:13:44.160 --> 0:13:47.520 so much more easily able to discuss kind of the 0:13:47.800 --> 0:13:51.560 the taboos of things like you know, vibrators and different 0:13:51.600 --> 0:13:53.560 kinds of sex, and what turns you on and what 0:13:53.640 --> 0:13:55.880 turns you off, and and all of the things that 0:13:55.920 --> 0:13:58.840 go into the melting pot of being so attracted to 0:13:58.880 --> 0:14:02.400 somebody and building on out attraction through trust and through 0:14:02.520 --> 0:14:07.079 kind of self exploration and everything that encompasses being a whole, 0:14:07.280 --> 0:14:10.160 more full person. Would you say that you were always 0:14:10.200 --> 0:14:12.400 that way? I think so, you know, I mean I 0:14:12.480 --> 0:14:17.160 tend to be I guess a little more circumspect, but 0:14:17.200 --> 0:14:20.000 you know, like in public, but when I'm with my girlfriends, 0:14:20.040 --> 0:14:24.000 as you know, like I just I just want to 0:14:24.120 --> 0:14:27.280 go there, like I want to know what is in 0:14:27.320 --> 0:14:30.640 everybody's way, what are the friction points? Like what is 0:14:30.680 --> 0:14:35.120 everybody up against? Can we peel off some layers of stuff, 0:14:35.160 --> 0:14:38.760 Like I'm so fascinated by what makes us all tick 0:14:38.960 --> 0:14:42.160 and the things that we're honest about and not honest about, 0:14:42.240 --> 0:14:44.800 and what our blind spots are. And I think, like 0:14:44.840 --> 0:14:47.320 the conversation around sex with your women friends, it's such 0:14:47.360 --> 0:14:50.880 a fascinating one because it's like this microcosm of their 0:14:50.920 --> 0:14:53.760 lives where like they think they're talking about sex, but 0:14:53.800 --> 0:14:58.520 they're talking about everything right there, talking about all insecurities 0:14:58.800 --> 0:15:01.760 or you know, patterns that come up, like it's all 0:15:01.880 --> 0:15:03.840 right there. And so I just find it like a 0:15:03.880 --> 0:15:07.400 really fascinating topic. And when do you think that you 0:15:07.520 --> 0:15:10.960 came into your kind of sexual awareness, Like when do 0:15:11.040 --> 0:15:13.280 you think what age were you when you really started 0:15:13.320 --> 0:15:17.280 to understand yourself and your wants sexually, because obviously it's 0:15:17.320 --> 0:15:20.880 a moving target for many of us. Exactly Well, I 0:15:20.880 --> 0:15:23.200 think you said it perfectly, and I think it's still 0:15:23.200 --> 0:15:26.040 a moving target, and I think forever it's an exploration. 0:15:26.640 --> 0:15:30.200 And you know, recently, I've started to think, I don't 0:15:30.200 --> 0:15:32.480 know if you feel this way, but I feel like 0:15:32.480 --> 0:15:36.960 there's so much programming that happens implicitly from the time 0:15:36.960 --> 0:15:40.120 we're young, especially our generation, about what good girls do 0:15:40.240 --> 0:15:44.560 and don't do. And so therefore, if you have a 0:15:44.600 --> 0:15:46.840 thought that's maybe outside the box, or if you want 0:15:46.880 --> 0:15:49.360 to do something that's outside the box, I think you're 0:15:49.480 --> 0:15:53.000 conditioned to think there's something wrong with you, or you know, 0:15:53.080 --> 0:15:56.080 you're weird or whatever. And I think a couple of things. 0:15:56.120 --> 0:15:59.160 I think, first of all, I've had sort of chapters 0:15:59.160 --> 0:16:02.160 in my life where I've felt very close to myself 0:16:02.200 --> 0:16:06.000 sexually and like accepting myself sexually, and then chapters of 0:16:06.000 --> 0:16:08.440 my life where I've felt really far away from myself, 0:16:08.880 --> 0:16:12.320 and I don't know. I think the idea that like, 0:16:12.400 --> 0:16:14.800 I would just love it if we could all give 0:16:14.840 --> 0:16:17.280 ourselves the space to be like, well, let you know, 0:16:17.360 --> 0:16:20.400 let me just explore what this what what this thought is, 0:16:20.600 --> 0:16:24.120 or what this feels like, as opposed to constantly putting 0:16:24.120 --> 0:16:27.920 it in a context of like shame or it was 0:16:27.960 --> 0:16:30.160 bad because I didn't get what I want, or like 0:16:30.600 --> 0:16:32.600 just like what if we started to open up a 0:16:32.640 --> 0:16:36.480 little bit and talk about it's really hard, Like have you, 0:16:36.480 --> 0:16:38.560 you know, been with a partner and said, well, you're 0:16:38.560 --> 0:16:42.000 a different case because you're very forthright. But I think 0:16:42.120 --> 0:16:44.360 to say, like that doesn't feel good, or I would 0:16:44.400 --> 0:16:47.040 really love it if you tried this, Like, it's just 0:16:47.480 --> 0:16:49.760 really hard for women to say. I want to say that. 0:16:49.800 --> 0:16:51.800 It's hard even for me to say. Everyone thinks that 0:16:51.880 --> 0:16:54.400 I have like no idea. It is hard for me 0:16:54.480 --> 0:16:57.440 to say. You know, I I've recently been talking about 0:16:57.920 --> 0:17:00.600 blow jobs because that was something that I thought was degrading. 0:17:00.800 --> 0:17:02.880 I really did. I grew. I went in high school. 0:17:02.960 --> 0:17:04.680 I had a guy. The first time I tried to 0:17:04.680 --> 0:17:06.800 give a blowjob, he put his hand on the back 0:17:06.840 --> 0:17:09.640 of my head, and I thought, get that buck off 0:17:09.640 --> 0:17:12.040 of me, like, you are never allowed to touch me again. 0:17:12.359 --> 0:17:15.680 And so for so many years I was so kind 0:17:15.720 --> 0:17:18.520 of traumatized by that one incident that I thought blow 0:17:18.640 --> 0:17:23.760 jobs equated degradation, like that was demoralizing and and that 0:17:23.920 --> 0:17:26.840 wasn't That wasn't a girl that respected herself. And now 0:17:26.880 --> 0:17:29.320 that I'm in love with somebody, I want to give 0:17:29.359 --> 0:17:31.639 blow jobs to him. I want to put his hand 0:17:31.760 --> 0:17:34.399 on the back of my head. I'm like, yes, yes, 0:17:34.560 --> 0:17:38.440 Like I've never felt more inclined to want to put 0:17:38.480 --> 0:17:41.080 someone's penis in my mouth than I do with somebody 0:17:41.080 --> 0:17:44.360 that I deeply, deeply love. And I get it now. 0:17:44.680 --> 0:17:47.320 I just paused to say, is this this is the 0:17:47.359 --> 0:17:50.040 same guy from summer. Yes, yes, Joe Coy is his name. 0:17:50.280 --> 0:17:54.080 He's my game, he's my lover. So psyched because I 0:17:54.119 --> 0:17:55.639 thought when we were having dinner in the summer, I 0:17:55.640 --> 0:17:58.439 was like this, really, this really sounds promising, like you 0:17:58.480 --> 0:18:01.800 were talking about it's on baby. Never heard you talk 0:18:01.880 --> 0:18:04.119 about a dude, So this is great. It's on baby, 0:18:04.119 --> 0:18:05.880 and you're going to meet him at some point and 0:18:05.880 --> 0:18:09.119 he cannot and he has given me because I because 0:18:09.119 --> 0:18:11.440 there is a deep love and a deep respect. There 0:18:11.480 --> 0:18:14.399 is an intimacy there that I have never experienced before. 0:18:14.760 --> 0:18:17.359 So when you talk about saying to somebody, hey, when 0:18:17.400 --> 0:18:19.800 they're rubbing the side of your labia instead of your 0:18:19.840 --> 0:18:23.240 clatorus and we just sit there and pretend that that's 0:18:23.320 --> 0:18:27.080 acceptable and fake and orgasm, I've come to a point 0:18:27.119 --> 0:18:28.840 in my life where I'm like, no, honey, move your 0:18:28.840 --> 0:18:31.760 hand over here. This is where this is and that 0:18:31.880 --> 0:18:34.640 level of intimacy where you can say to somebody, hey, 0:18:34.640 --> 0:18:36.320 this is what I like, this is what I want 0:18:36.359 --> 0:18:39.600 to try. Let's try. This is something that that is 0:18:39.640 --> 0:18:43.080 the definition of intimacy. I agree with you completely, and 0:18:43.160 --> 0:18:46.159 I just want to acknowledge that it is really a 0:18:46.240 --> 0:18:49.840 vulnerable conversation in a hard conversation for I think especially 0:18:49.920 --> 0:18:52.399 women to have and especially younger women especially. You know, 0:18:52.440 --> 0:18:54.639 it's like you look around in this generation and the 0:18:54.680 --> 0:18:58.840 messages they're being told about sex, and it's like they 0:18:58.840 --> 0:19:01.399 have to be fuckable, and you know, it's like I 0:19:01.680 --> 0:19:05.000 worry so much about the messages they're getting about who 0:19:05.000 --> 0:19:08.719 they're supposed to be sexually. So that's kind of like 0:19:08.840 --> 0:19:11.080 why I wanted to do the show so badly, because 0:19:11.080 --> 0:19:12.600 I thought it would be so nice to have some 0:19:12.720 --> 0:19:15.560 counter programming to all of that, you know, and to 0:19:15.680 --> 0:19:18.600 show what happens in an intimate relationship when there are 0:19:18.680 --> 0:19:21.960 when there are problems, when problems arise, and and the 0:19:22.160 --> 0:19:26.240 level of communication that's needed and bravery, you know, to 0:19:26.400 --> 0:19:29.280 counteract some of that. I just get very disturbed by 0:19:29.400 --> 0:19:32.000 by what I see and in the popular culture in 0:19:32.080 --> 0:19:34.520 terms of what what a girl is supposed to look 0:19:34.600 --> 0:19:38.240 like and therefore be like do you know what I mean? Yeah? Absolutely? 0:19:38.280 --> 0:19:40.400 And I think the new show you have coming out, 0:19:40.400 --> 0:19:43.280 which is on Netflix, I think it streams today, correct, Yes, 0:19:43.320 --> 0:19:47.480 it drops today, comes out. It drips it drip drops today. 0:19:47.960 --> 0:19:51.200 It's called sex Love and Goop. And this is an 0:19:51.200 --> 0:19:54.879 exploration of five couples that are seeking ways to be 0:19:55.040 --> 0:19:59.720 more intimate and have a stronger kind of sexual relationship, 0:20:00.040 --> 0:20:06.360 stronger intimacy, and a stronger understanding really of of what 0:20:06.400 --> 0:20:08.280 it means to be there for your partner and what 0:20:08.359 --> 0:20:11.719 it means to ask for what you want, which is 0:20:11.800 --> 0:20:14.480 what we're all about, because I think this applies to 0:20:14.840 --> 0:20:17.480 everything in a woman's life. Asking for what we want 0:20:17.640 --> 0:20:20.320 is sometimes the last thing we're able to do. And 0:20:20.520 --> 0:20:22.600 so if you can apply this, I think it always 0:20:22.640 --> 0:20:24.840 starts at home. If you can apply it to your relationship, 0:20:24.880 --> 0:20:26.680 you're able to apply it to the world, You're able 0:20:26.720 --> 0:20:28.840 to apply it to your career, and so on and 0:20:28.880 --> 0:20:31.760 so on. And Catherine, you were telling me that you 0:20:31.800 --> 0:20:34.480 guys were watching it with your husband. I watched it 0:20:34.520 --> 0:20:37.960 with my husband, and one thing I found so amazing 0:20:38.160 --> 0:20:41.359 was literally ten minutes in, like ten minutes in we 0:20:41.359 --> 0:20:44.440 were pausing a show. We were like talking about things 0:20:44.440 --> 0:20:47.359 that we we've never talked about, and not just about sex, 0:20:47.359 --> 0:20:50.360 but about relationships. And and I mean I learned I've 0:20:50.359 --> 0:20:53.040 been with him for sixteen years, and I learned stuff 0:20:53.040 --> 0:20:56.160 about him I never knew. So it was this wonderful 0:20:56.240 --> 0:20:59.880 experience to watch together and discover new things about each 0:20:59.880 --> 0:21:04.240 other other. It was really cool. I'm so happy about that. Yeah, 0:21:04.280 --> 0:21:06.240 do you want? Would you and Brad watch it together 0:21:06.359 --> 0:21:10.240 and discover new things about yourselves? Gwyneth, we haven't watched 0:21:10.280 --> 0:21:13.160 it together. He hasn't seen it yet. You know. It's 0:21:13.160 --> 0:21:16.159 like when you're editing a show and you're just in 0:21:16.200 --> 0:21:18.639 the computer with headphones on. But I'm looking forward to 0:21:18.680 --> 0:21:21.040 watching it with him. I want to say, like, your 0:21:21.080 --> 0:21:23.760 relationship with each other has been so inspiring to watch, 0:21:23.880 --> 0:21:27.760 because the two of you really had a really beautiful 0:21:27.800 --> 0:21:32.520 friendship that developed into a love ship and developed into 0:21:32.560 --> 0:21:34.520 a marriage. And for a long time, you guys didn't 0:21:34.560 --> 0:21:37.560 even live together. I'm still not even convinced you really 0:21:37.600 --> 0:21:41.680 do now because we do. But what do you think 0:21:41.720 --> 0:21:47.560 that added to your relationship by remaining independent but together. Well, 0:21:47.720 --> 0:21:51.320 it's interesting because the reason that we we got we 0:21:51.320 --> 0:21:53.679 were together for a long time and we never we 0:21:53.720 --> 0:21:55.480 didn't live together, and then we got married and we 0:21:55.560 --> 0:21:59.240 decided let's just wait another year before we move in. 0:21:59.400 --> 0:22:02.359 And the consciousness behind that was really like, let's just 0:22:02.440 --> 0:22:06.760 let the kids kind of settle into this energetic body 0:22:06.880 --> 0:22:10.280 of like a marriage and a family, and and I 0:22:10.320 --> 0:22:13.320 think for that year it was funny because in the 0:22:13.400 --> 0:22:16.840 years before it was nice to have that time. It's like, oh, 0:22:16.960 --> 0:22:19.359 tonight is like my night with Brad. I'm so excited, 0:22:19.400 --> 0:22:22.120 and now tonight he's with his kids, and oh my god. 0:22:22.160 --> 0:22:24.560 Fun I get to have a girl's dinner or I 0:22:24.600 --> 0:22:27.280 get to like drink wine in the bath and then 0:22:27.359 --> 0:22:29.919 dance around like a lunatic like and I was like, 0:22:30.000 --> 0:22:32.160 this is great, this is so fun because we get 0:22:32.160 --> 0:22:34.560 the best of both worlds. And then interestingly, if once 0:22:34.600 --> 0:22:38.439 we got married, I really really missed him and and 0:22:38.560 --> 0:22:41.600 it was like it felt like, gosh, I really wish 0:22:41.640 --> 0:22:43.760 we lived. It felt like we should be living under 0:22:43.800 --> 0:22:45.840 the same roof. And so by the time he moved in, 0:22:45.920 --> 0:22:48.000 it was really I had a lot of longing and 0:22:48.040 --> 0:22:51.520 I was so excited about it. Oh that's so sweet, 0:22:51.560 --> 0:22:55.840 and he's so sweet too. Yeah, yeah, I think that's 0:22:55.880 --> 0:22:58.680 And also dating is so much sexier, Like the longer 0:22:58.720 --> 0:23:01.560 you could prolong that experience with somebody, I think the 0:23:01.600 --> 0:23:05.280 sexterior relationship becomes you know. I I love to think 0:23:05.280 --> 0:23:06.880 of the idea. When people ask me if I'm gonna 0:23:06.920 --> 0:23:08.560 get married, I'm like, I would just like to be 0:23:08.600 --> 0:23:10.560 engaged for a really long time because I want to 0:23:10.560 --> 0:23:14.120 be with my boyfriend, not necessarily my husband. But that's 0:23:14.240 --> 0:23:16.520 those are my issues about what, you know, the construct 0:23:16.520 --> 0:23:19.240 of marriage and all that bullshit, which is irrelevant for this. 0:23:19.359 --> 0:23:21.840 But I will say, like if you kind of take 0:23:22.720 --> 0:23:25.280 the modern version of marriage out of it, or like 0:23:25.320 --> 0:23:28.199 the patriarchical version of marriage, and it's like and you 0:23:28.280 --> 0:23:31.040 kind of go back to some other thing of like 0:23:31.119 --> 0:23:34.280 a real commitment to someone, like something cool does happen. 0:23:34.400 --> 0:23:38.359 You'll see it's like this. It is like this entity 0:23:38.440 --> 0:23:41.880 that you guys create. It's this very cool thing. I mean, 0:23:42.280 --> 0:23:44.000 you know what I'm talking about. Because you've been married 0:23:44.040 --> 0:23:47.400 for sixteen years, right, Yeah, I think there is an 0:23:47.480 --> 0:23:51.280 energetic shift you don't expect with that. Like we got 0:23:51.320 --> 0:23:54.639 married very young, and years later when our friends started 0:23:54.640 --> 0:23:57.160 getting married, they were like, nothing's going to change. We've 0:23:57.200 --> 0:24:00.520 been living together. It's just a piece of paper. And 0:24:00.760 --> 0:24:03.359 every time there was a shift, and it was either 0:24:03.560 --> 0:24:06.800 for the better or for the worst, like some people 0:24:07.200 --> 0:24:09.640 thought about things that they had never fought about or 0:24:09.840 --> 0:24:12.199 just had different expectations of each other. But there is 0:24:12.320 --> 0:24:15.639 some shift that happens. Yeah, because you're teaming up and 0:24:15.680 --> 0:24:18.399 it's a partnership, you know, and a lot of people, 0:24:18.920 --> 0:24:21.040 I think also think that marriage is going to solve 0:24:21.240 --> 0:24:23.680 you know. Conversely, I think many people think marriage is 0:24:23.680 --> 0:24:25.200 going to solve a lot of the issues that they 0:24:25.200 --> 0:24:27.680 may have. So that's why this show is so well. 0:24:27.680 --> 0:24:30.440 It's always been timely, but timelier now I think because 0:24:30.440 --> 0:24:33.199 people are open more open to having these kind of deeper, 0:24:33.359 --> 0:24:37.240 intimate conversations about what they're feeling. I forget the couple's name, 0:24:37.280 --> 0:24:39.560 but the woman who talks about unclenching in one of 0:24:39.560 --> 0:24:43.160 the episodes, and I was like, oh my god, unclenching. 0:24:43.200 --> 0:24:45.720 I'm like, do I do that? And I think I might, 0:24:46.080 --> 0:24:48.919 And how she said, I realize I've been clenched for 0:24:49.119 --> 0:24:53.120 so long and just had this incredible emotional experience through 0:24:53.160 --> 0:24:56.560 that she she and her partner, and there was Erica 0:24:56.600 --> 0:24:59.480 and Damon, I believe, and I mean they both had 0:24:59.520 --> 0:25:03.560 these basically like touching the face of God experiences. I 0:25:03.600 --> 0:25:07.000 feel like the energetic orgasm that Damon had, and and 0:25:07.119 --> 0:25:10.280 her experience with unclenching and letting herself be freer, and 0:25:10.640 --> 0:25:12.280 and the body shame that went with some of the 0:25:12.320 --> 0:25:14.960 assumptions that she made about her body because of what 0:25:15.040 --> 0:25:17.960 partners had said in the past. And I mean, yeah, 0:25:17.960 --> 0:25:19.960 that's something that I think all women can relate to. 0:25:20.080 --> 0:25:21.439 You know, I had a boyfriend who told me my 0:25:21.440 --> 0:25:23.520 boobs were too big, and then I went on a 0:25:23.680 --> 0:25:26.560 topless rampage for six years after we broke up to 0:25:26.640 --> 0:25:29.280 prove to myself that my boobs were just perfect and 0:25:29.320 --> 0:25:31.520 they were for me. But he had given me a 0:25:31.520 --> 0:25:34.960 complex about it for so long at that I was like, 0:25:35.000 --> 0:25:37.119 by the time I got away from him, on like freedom, 0:25:37.160 --> 0:25:39.800 You know, I should embrace these boobs. They're mine, They're natural, 0:25:40.040 --> 0:25:43.520 they're big and bountiful, and I should love them. So yeah, 0:25:43.600 --> 0:25:45.639 I think a lot of people shame us into thinking 0:25:45.640 --> 0:25:47.800 about our bodies. I know, Gwyneth, you and I have 0:25:48.000 --> 0:25:51.000 had this conversation about past boyfriends making comments about parts 0:25:51.000 --> 0:25:54.560 of our bodies and carrying it with you for so long, 0:25:54.640 --> 0:25:58.400 and what that does to our self esteem and self worth. Absolutely, 0:25:58.640 --> 0:26:01.320 and if you take that, which is I think the 0:26:01.359 --> 0:26:04.480 most painful, because you know, you're at your most vulnerable 0:26:04.480 --> 0:26:06.920 when you're in an intimate relationship with somebody, and if 0:26:06.960 --> 0:26:13.240 they take that opportunity to hurt you even if they're joking, 0:26:14.000 --> 0:26:17.879 it cuts so deep in that context. And yeah, it's funny, 0:26:17.920 --> 0:26:19.840 Like I've had stuff that stayed with me for a 0:26:19.840 --> 0:26:22.880 really long time, like you little comments here and there, 0:26:23.840 --> 0:26:26.600 and that's what I loved. Someone there's one expert in 0:26:26.640 --> 0:26:29.439 the show named Amina, and she does this exercise with 0:26:29.520 --> 0:26:32.879 this woman where she disrobes and she kind of just 0:26:32.960 --> 0:26:36.840 like looks at her body naked, and it's this exercise 0:26:36.880 --> 0:26:40.960 and acceptance. I thought it was really powerful because I 0:26:41.000 --> 0:26:43.680 was like, oh my god, you know the way that 0:26:43.720 --> 0:26:47.280 we look at our bodies through this insane under a 0:26:47.320 --> 0:26:50.360 microscopic lens of everything that's wrong, and I was like, 0:26:50.600 --> 0:26:53.919 we have got to stop doing that. It's so I 0:26:53.960 --> 0:26:56.000 think it hurts us in so many ways, you know. 0:26:56.200 --> 0:26:58.800 I think it it affects how you can report yourself 0:26:58.800 --> 0:27:01.080 in the world, how you relate to herself sexually. It's 0:27:01.119 --> 0:27:03.159 like and then you know, you take something like that, 0:27:03.240 --> 0:27:05.439 and then you take social media and how we're all 0:27:05.480 --> 0:27:07.399 supposed to look and it's like, by the end of 0:27:07.400 --> 0:27:10.640 the day, how can you feel good about yourself? Right? 0:27:10.720 --> 0:27:12.720 I said this gun last week's podcast, but I was 0:27:12.720 --> 0:27:15.240 talking about Joe my my lover, and I was saying 0:27:15.240 --> 0:27:17.040 how I was. I was in my Orka and I 0:27:17.080 --> 0:27:18.680 was looking at my arms like, go oh, honey, I 0:27:18.720 --> 0:27:20.639 think I have like cellulate on my arm. Now what 0:27:20.800 --> 0:27:23.399 is going on? And he said, honey, cellulate is the 0:27:23.400 --> 0:27:25.639 sexiest thing in the world. That's what makes a woman 0:27:25.720 --> 0:27:27.760 a woman. And I'm like, oh my god, I have 0:27:27.880 --> 0:27:31.520 to write that fucking down. I mean, every woman needs 0:27:31.560 --> 0:27:34.679 to hear that. That is what makes a woman a woman. 0:27:35.280 --> 0:27:38.800 On that note, yeah, thank you. On that note, Let's 0:27:39.080 --> 0:27:41.520 take some callers Gwyne's So what people are gonna call 0:27:41.560 --> 0:27:43.960 in ask us some questions. We're going to give our 0:27:44.000 --> 0:27:47.720 best advice to them and help them. This is the best. 0:27:47.760 --> 0:27:50.520 It's such a fun podcast. I love it well. Our 0:27:50.600 --> 0:27:55.479 first question comes from mel in Vancouver. She's thirty four. 0:27:55.880 --> 0:27:59.120 She says, Dear Chelsea, I've been dating a tall, dark 0:27:59.160 --> 0:28:01.520 and handsome attawel I in Man for almost two years. 0:28:01.920 --> 0:28:04.880 He's forty nine and I'm thirty four. Everything about him 0:28:04.920 --> 0:28:07.920 is great except one giant problem. I feel like he's 0:28:07.960 --> 0:28:11.360 the child I never wanted. He doesn't do anything for himself. 0:28:11.920 --> 0:28:13.720 If I wasn't in his life, he would never do 0:28:13.800 --> 0:28:16.000 laundry or cook a meal and because of this, our 0:28:16.040 --> 0:28:18.920 sex life is non existent. In the beginning, it was okay, 0:28:18.960 --> 0:28:22.680 and now nothing. He's financially stable, has two great kids, 0:28:22.680 --> 0:28:24.879 and wants all the same things I want out of life. 0:28:25.000 --> 0:28:27.320 But if he can't start taking care of me in 0:28:27.320 --> 0:28:29.919 the ways I need sexually and emotionally, I think I 0:28:29.960 --> 0:28:33.320 need to leave. I would say I would agree with that. 0:28:33.480 --> 0:28:37.040 You're not his housekeeper. I mean that isn't fun or hot, 0:28:37.600 --> 0:28:40.040 so so I mean you that's going to take care 0:28:40.080 --> 0:28:43.640 of itself anyway, because as long as somebody's not turning 0:28:43.680 --> 0:28:45.520 you on or looking after you in a way that 0:28:45.560 --> 0:28:48.880 makes you feel cared for, you're gonna lose your boner 0:28:49.080 --> 0:28:52.160 for that relationship, right. And I felt like this question 0:28:52.240 --> 0:28:55.120 was so similar to Rama and felicitas who are in 0:28:55.320 --> 0:28:58.320 sex love and Goup, where he was blindsided when she 0:28:58.440 --> 0:29:00.080 all of a sudden was like, you know what, I 0:29:00.120 --> 0:29:02.120 think I want a divorce and he didn't know anything 0:29:02.240 --> 0:29:05.719 was wrong, but they had this dynamic where he was 0:29:05.920 --> 0:29:08.840 childlike and she would sort of condescend to him, but 0:29:08.960 --> 0:29:13.880 he needed so much from her. It was just very uneven. Yeah, yeah, no, 0:29:14.040 --> 0:29:17.920 reciproc I would say, she's not she's not married. And 0:29:18.560 --> 0:29:21.520 they don't have kids. It's like the old adage when 0:29:21.560 --> 0:29:23.959 someone shows you who they are, believe them. It's like 0:29:24.080 --> 0:29:26.440 he's not going to all of a sudden one day 0:29:26.440 --> 0:29:30.040 start taking care of himself and her And right, I mean, 0:29:30.080 --> 0:29:32.760 I don't. I think it's unless I don't know if 0:29:32.760 --> 0:29:36.120 they've exhausted all possibilities and if they've had therapy and 0:29:36.160 --> 0:29:39.760 stuff like that. But that sounds like he needs to 0:29:39.760 --> 0:29:43.240 to resolve some things, needs to resolve some things. And yeah, 0:29:43.280 --> 0:29:46.200 obviously you want to explore the idea of talking to 0:29:46.240 --> 0:29:49.120 a professional who can help him understand that that's not 0:29:49.160 --> 0:29:52.160 a contributing factor to a great sex life or to 0:29:52.240 --> 0:29:55.600 a long term relationship because you're playing a motherly role 0:29:56.040 --> 0:29:59.240 and while that's fine in moments, it's not fine as 0:29:59.280 --> 0:30:02.520 your entire a relationship. That's not your role. If you 0:30:02.600 --> 0:30:05.440 haven't gone to therapy, please try that first so that 0:30:05.520 --> 0:30:07.360 he can become a little bit more self aware, because 0:30:07.360 --> 0:30:10.320 maybe he just doesn't understand and the only relationships he's 0:30:10.320 --> 0:30:13.000 been in were with his mother and then possibly a 0:30:13.040 --> 0:30:15.680 wife who did that for him. So you have to 0:30:15.720 --> 0:30:19.200 make it clear that this situation is something that you're 0:30:19.280 --> 0:30:22.719 not going to be on board with and then you know, 0:30:23.120 --> 0:30:25.480 everyone is capable of change at a certain point in 0:30:25.480 --> 0:30:27.640 their lives, and love will do that to you. It 0:30:27.680 --> 0:30:30.880 will make you want to change. So I wouldn't say 0:30:30.920 --> 0:30:33.000 that there's no hope for him. I would just say 0:30:33.360 --> 0:30:35.480 make sure that you find out quickly whether there is 0:30:35.600 --> 0:30:38.600 or not. Chelsea's more optimistic than I when it seems 0:30:38.640 --> 0:30:42.240 down about that. Sorry, yeah, sorry, color anyway, good luck 0:30:42.280 --> 0:30:45.560 and report back. Let us know what happens. Yes, yes, please. 0:30:46.840 --> 0:30:50.560 Our next question comes from Rose. She is a pharmacist. 0:30:51.160 --> 0:30:55.120 I'm a Pharmacist's funny. I'm actually a pharmacological into it, 0:30:55.520 --> 0:31:01.600 so that's that's different. Now. She was potentially going to 0:31:01.640 --> 0:31:04.560 come and call in and talk to us, but her 0:31:05.040 --> 0:31:07.680 almost husband decided that he did not want her to 0:31:07.720 --> 0:31:09.640 do that. I actually asked him to join as well, 0:31:09.680 --> 0:31:11.800 because I thought this would be a really beneficial conversation 0:31:11.840 --> 0:31:14.120 to have with the two of them. But here's her issue. 0:31:14.640 --> 0:31:18.160 Dear Chelsea, my husband. They're getting married this week. Actually, 0:31:18.680 --> 0:31:21.400 my husband has always played lots of video games, but 0:31:21.440 --> 0:31:23.440 he's turning thirty this year, and I think it's time 0:31:23.440 --> 0:31:26.440 he shifted his priorities. He's been in dead end jobs 0:31:26.440 --> 0:31:28.480 for the last ten years and keep saying he'll go 0:31:28.520 --> 0:31:31.000 back to school or learn new skills. I have a 0:31:31.000 --> 0:31:33.840 doctorate degree in a stable job. However, when it comes 0:31:33.880 --> 0:31:36.800 to taking action, he devotes almost eight to ten hours 0:31:36.800 --> 0:31:40.080 a day to playing video games. I feel guilty making 0:31:40.160 --> 0:31:42.520 him spend time with me, and even when we spend 0:31:42.560 --> 0:31:45.120 time together, he's on his phone chatting or reading about 0:31:45.200 --> 0:31:47.680 video games. How do I get him to focus on 0:31:47.720 --> 0:31:50.920 our future? More? Rows Gwyneth, Why don't you take the 0:31:51.000 --> 0:31:53.560 lead on this? I mean, I think that he's using 0:31:53.840 --> 0:31:59.440 video games as as an excuse to avoid life and 0:31:59.760 --> 0:32:03.920 looking it himself, and intimacy and and just about everything 0:32:04.040 --> 0:32:07.480 Like this is a real red flag. I mean I 0:32:07.520 --> 0:32:11.959 would somebody who is disengaging to this point and not 0:32:12.040 --> 0:32:15.680 meeting their partner's needs to this point, and choosing not 0:32:15.760 --> 0:32:18.600 to be in a partnership over a video game. I 0:32:18.360 --> 0:32:22.600 I personally think like if they're about to get married, 0:32:22.680 --> 0:32:27.160 I would crash in an emergency therapy session. Yeah. I 0:32:27.160 --> 0:32:29.800 would also like to say that not only is that 0:32:29.960 --> 0:32:32.800 this is several red flags. Eight to nine hours a 0:32:32.880 --> 0:32:37.040 day playing video games, It's an unacceptable way to spend 0:32:37.040 --> 0:32:39.160 your and where does he work? Like I don't understand 0:32:39.200 --> 0:32:41.000 who has time to play eight to nine hours of 0:32:41.080 --> 0:32:42.920 video games. I spoke with him. He's kind of like 0:32:42.960 --> 0:32:45.560 a like a gig worker type of thing. Okay, well 0:32:45.640 --> 0:32:47.800 that's great, but he has to develop some other interests 0:32:47.840 --> 0:32:51.200 that involve his potential wife. And if they're getting married 0:32:51.240 --> 0:32:54.080 this weekend, I mean, this is this is sad because no, 0:32:54.360 --> 0:32:56.240 I don't think she should be getting married to somebody 0:32:56.240 --> 0:33:00.160 this weekend who she feels guilty to ask to. She 0:33:00.200 --> 0:33:02.760 feels guilty when she asked him to spend time with her. 0:33:02.960 --> 0:33:06.240 Is heartbreaking. You should never feel that way about your partner, 0:33:06.320 --> 0:33:11.360 and certainly not over video games. But there's an addiction here, right, 0:33:11.400 --> 0:33:14.640 This is not just like I'm playing video games he is. 0:33:14.720 --> 0:33:19.680 There's an addiction issue for sure, and people use addictive 0:33:19.680 --> 0:33:23.040 behavior as a way to enops the ties bad or 0:33:23.120 --> 0:33:25.720 sad or hard feelings. Like he needs to go and 0:33:25.760 --> 0:33:29.240 look at what he's trying to avoid feeling. Yeah, and 0:33:29.280 --> 0:33:31.120 he's probably not going to be very open to that 0:33:31.200 --> 0:33:34.680 conversation in his current state. So I mean, I would 0:33:34.720 --> 0:33:37.200 hate to say something as dramatic as postponing the marriage, 0:33:37.200 --> 0:33:39.840 but I mean, in my my instinct tells me that 0:33:39.840 --> 0:33:42.840 that's exactly what you should do, because it sounds like 0:33:42.840 --> 0:33:45.680 you're going to be making a grave mistake without holding 0:33:45.760 --> 0:33:48.520 his feet to the fire before you marry him, and 0:33:48.560 --> 0:33:52.400 allowing this behavior and moving into a marriage while he's 0:33:52.440 --> 0:33:56.520 doing this is sanctioning that behavior and letting him think 0:33:56.560 --> 0:34:00.160 that that's okay. So what is her name? Rose? Was? 0:34:00.320 --> 0:34:03.120 I really I'm sorry that you're dealing with this and 0:34:03.160 --> 0:34:04.920 going through this, but I just want to tell you 0:34:05.280 --> 0:34:08.480 it's not acceptable as a woman to another woman. This 0:34:08.560 --> 0:34:11.120 is not acceptable and you deserve a lot more. And 0:34:11.120 --> 0:34:14.800 when you hold hired standards, somebody will meet you there. 0:34:14.880 --> 0:34:18.640 My parents always said that quality time comes with a 0:34:18.719 --> 0:34:21.479 quantity of time, So you don't get that quality time 0:34:21.560 --> 0:34:23.560 just by like picking a time for quality time. It 0:34:23.600 --> 0:34:25.920 happens when you have a longer period of time with 0:34:25.960 --> 0:34:28.920 someone and you get those special moments. And this just 0:34:29.200 --> 0:34:32.120 leaves me thinking, how do they have any level of 0:34:32.160 --> 0:34:36.160 intimacy when there's really no time in his life for her? Like, 0:34:36.200 --> 0:34:38.880 how do you keep an intimate relationship with that emotionally 0:34:39.000 --> 0:34:43.239 or sexually at all. Yeah, it's funny that you say that, 0:34:43.280 --> 0:34:45.399 because I was I was talking to my friend about 0:34:45.680 --> 0:34:48.400 you know, ex husbands and divorced dads, and how they 0:34:48.440 --> 0:34:50.200 come in hot, you know, on the weekend, and they 0:34:50.239 --> 0:34:52.560 want to make that time count, and it's like, you 0:34:52.560 --> 0:34:54.759 can't just do that. It doesn't work that way. You 0:34:54.800 --> 0:34:57.000 can't pop in and out like a pop up. It 0:34:57.040 --> 0:35:00.279 has to be prolonged periods of time lead to those 0:35:00.320 --> 0:35:04.080 special special exactly what you said, and you said it beautifully, 0:35:04.120 --> 0:35:08.399 so I'll try not to butcher it any further. Fuck Well, 0:35:08.440 --> 0:35:13.120 our next question, we do have a caller. This is Teresa. 0:35:13.600 --> 0:35:16.719 Teresa says, Dear Chelsea, I'm twenty six and in my 0:35:16.800 --> 0:35:20.800 first real relationship. My boyfriend treats me right. He's so kind, 0:35:20.920 --> 0:35:24.640 funny and thoughtful, respectful and smart. I could really see 0:35:24.719 --> 0:35:27.360 him being the one. The only issue is, for the 0:35:27.400 --> 0:35:30.400 past three months, nearly every time we try to have sex, 0:35:30.480 --> 0:35:33.520 he goes soft right before we can actually have sex. 0:35:34.120 --> 0:35:37.640 I will say, he's extremely talented in other arenas, so 0:35:37.719 --> 0:35:40.520 much so that it hasn't really bothered me that we 0:35:40.600 --> 0:35:43.960 haven't fully had sex, But he gets super worked up 0:35:43.960 --> 0:35:46.480 and in his head about it, which just makes things worse. 0:35:46.960 --> 0:35:49.279 He lost a ton of weight during quarantine, and his 0:35:49.320 --> 0:35:52.279 body image issues are definitely contributing to the whole thing. 0:35:52.800 --> 0:35:55.200 I just don't know how to help without embarrassing him 0:35:55.360 --> 0:36:00.359 or making things worse. What do I do? Teresa? Hi, Teresa, Hi, 0:36:00.600 --> 0:36:02.719 so nice to meet you. Thank you for having me. 0:36:03.160 --> 0:36:06.719 Hi Teresa, Hi, great to meet you. Nice to meet 0:36:06.760 --> 0:36:09.720 you too. This might be obvious, but has he tried 0:36:09.760 --> 0:36:12.719 by agra or something like that? So he hasn't, And 0:36:12.760 --> 0:36:14.359 I'm trying to figure out the best way to kind 0:36:14.360 --> 0:36:17.120 of bring it up without it damaging his self esteem 0:36:17.120 --> 0:36:19.800 more because I know it's a very like tricky topic, 0:36:20.000 --> 0:36:22.160 especially for guys. So I'm trying to figure out kind 0:36:22.200 --> 0:36:25.880 of like the best way to have that conversation, and 0:36:25.920 --> 0:36:28.239 he would be open to it, I think. I mean, 0:36:28.280 --> 0:36:31.960 if he's feeling terrible about not being able to it 0:36:32.000 --> 0:36:35.400 feels to me like it's a pretty easy conversation to 0:36:35.480 --> 0:36:38.560 have from that place, right, like, Hey, this is happening, 0:36:38.600 --> 0:36:42.080 I can see how upset you are. Why don't we 0:36:42.120 --> 0:36:44.920 give this a try? Like what's the worst it can happen? Yeah, 0:36:45.040 --> 0:36:46.799 And I've mentioned that I'm open to it and like 0:36:46.840 --> 0:36:49.400 open to whatever he wants to try. I think he 0:36:49.520 --> 0:36:51.560 just needs like the push to do it. Even though 0:36:51.560 --> 0:36:55.160 I've encouraged him to. So I don't know, does you 0:36:55.200 --> 0:36:58.879 have any trauma in his past? Like, does he has? 0:36:58.920 --> 0:37:02.320 He explored it all. This might be happening. He's mentioned 0:37:02.360 --> 0:37:05.279 just kind of general self esteem issues. So I think 0:37:05.320 --> 0:37:07.800 it's like since the first time when it didn't happen, 0:37:07.960 --> 0:37:10.000 like he kept getting in his head about it and 0:37:10.000 --> 0:37:12.680 then it just got worse and worse. Oh, he needs 0:37:12.680 --> 0:37:15.000 to break the cycle. He needs to pop a viagra, 0:37:15.400 --> 0:37:19.440 right right, guys, Yeah, you know this happens to so 0:37:19.480 --> 0:37:21.480 many people, by the way, just so you know, and 0:37:21.520 --> 0:37:24.719 just so he knows. And I know you're protecting his 0:37:24.800 --> 0:37:26.360 ego and you want to be careful with him, but 0:37:26.400 --> 0:37:28.880 you're a team, right, You're on his side, so it 0:37:28.920 --> 0:37:31.640 doesn't have to be emasculating and it doesn't have to 0:37:32.200 --> 0:37:34.640 take his manhood away to be like, Okay, listen, we 0:37:34.719 --> 0:37:37.480 have a slight issue. Let's figure it out. Everything is workable. 0:37:37.880 --> 0:37:41.239 You obviously love him, he loves you. And I once 0:37:41.320 --> 0:37:44.520 got this shaky leg syndrome right where all of a sudden, 0:37:44.560 --> 0:37:46.880 my legs started shaking when I was on stage and 0:37:46.960 --> 0:37:48.680 that had never happened to me. And I make a 0:37:48.719 --> 0:37:51.200 living by standing on stage and talking so that was 0:37:51.239 --> 0:37:54.960 a real problem for me, and I started taking beta 0:37:55.000 --> 0:37:58.040 blockers and they said, okay, take them for three weeks 0:37:58.080 --> 0:38:00.680 and then you'll just change the neuropathway is the neural 0:38:00.719 --> 0:38:03.080 pathways in your brain, and you remember not to send 0:38:03.080 --> 0:38:05.319 that signal to your brain that you're nervous and that 0:38:05.360 --> 0:38:07.840 your leg is shaking, and that's how it's presenting itself. 0:38:08.120 --> 0:38:10.839 And once I cut that out, like, I've never had 0:38:10.880 --> 0:38:14.239 that problem again. This sounds analogous to that. Obviously it's 0:38:14.239 --> 0:38:16.160 a separate issue, but it sounds kind of in the 0:38:16.160 --> 0:38:21.040 same ballpark. There's probably plentiful antidotes to this situation, whether 0:38:21.080 --> 0:38:24.960 it's viagra, whether it's therapy, whether it's him, you know, 0:38:25.040 --> 0:38:27.600 getting more comfortable with his body. I think the first 0:38:27.600 --> 0:38:29.680 and foremost, you just have to remind him in this 0:38:29.719 --> 0:38:32.879 conversation that there's nothing to be embarrassed about when it's 0:38:32.880 --> 0:38:35.399 concerning the two of you. You are a team. You 0:38:35.440 --> 0:38:37.880 love him, and you're gonna be with him, whether or 0:38:37.960 --> 0:38:40.840 not he could ever have sex again exactly. Yeah, it 0:38:40.880 --> 0:38:42.920 doesn't matter. If he's so great in other areas and 0:38:42.920 --> 0:38:45.759 then it really doesn't matter. But he'll get past this 0:38:46.280 --> 0:38:48.279 and he just has to be willing to kind of 0:38:48.440 --> 0:38:51.120 face it, because before you can get past anything, you 0:38:51.200 --> 0:38:53.720 have to face something. Yeah. I think he also doesn't 0:38:53.719 --> 0:38:55.759 realize how common it is. I feel like guys that 0:38:55.960 --> 0:38:58.200 probably don't talk about it, like the same white girls 0:38:58.239 --> 0:39:00.799 talk about things, Yeah, because why would they. Why would 0:39:00.840 --> 0:39:03.200 a guy be like, hey, I lost my direction to 0:39:03.280 --> 0:39:05.160 last night. Can you believe like that's not something to 0:39:05.200 --> 0:39:08.560 brag about? You know, they're not on the SmartLess podcast 0:39:08.600 --> 0:39:11.080 with Will Arnett saying I got soft last night. No 0:39:11.120 --> 0:39:14.000 one is bragging about that. So you have to be 0:39:14.040 --> 0:39:17.200 sensitive to why men are, you know, are the way 0:39:17.239 --> 0:39:19.600 they are, and they are so insecure about stuff. They 0:39:19.640 --> 0:39:22.799 don't talk to each other about that stuff ever ever, 0:39:23.800 --> 0:39:26.200 So I think it's just being more of a ballast 0:39:26.239 --> 0:39:29.160 of support. It's always just showing people that you're there 0:39:29.200 --> 0:39:31.959 for them when they're in their most insecure phases, which 0:39:32.000 --> 0:39:34.399 is what he's going through with his weight loss. That 0:39:34.480 --> 0:39:37.960 shifts you know, your bio rhythm, your biology, all of 0:39:38.000 --> 0:39:41.680 that stuff is affected. So I wouldn't even think about 0:39:41.719 --> 0:39:44.680 this as a serious issue, and I wouldn't treat it 0:39:44.719 --> 0:39:47.200 as a serious issue. You know, it's just something you 0:39:47.239 --> 0:39:49.360 guys are gonna deal with together and figure out a 0:39:49.400 --> 0:39:52.239 way through. Yeah, I agree, and that's how I've kind 0:39:52.239 --> 0:39:53.880 of been treating it too. I think for him, he 0:39:53.960 --> 0:39:55.920 was worried about losing me over it, even though I've 0:39:55.920 --> 0:39:58.480 assured him a million times that, like, he's amazing and 0:39:58.520 --> 0:40:01.440 I love him and I wouldn't change anything else about him. 0:40:01.560 --> 0:40:05.200 So I'm very happy. That's really sweet. And you know, 0:40:06.360 --> 0:40:11.040 we all have our things that make us holly imperfect, right, 0:40:11.120 --> 0:40:14.920 It's like we're all human beings, we all have problems, 0:40:14.960 --> 0:40:17.319 we all have stuff, and it's like if he's an 0:40:17.360 --> 0:40:20.440 amazing human being and this is the thing, and you 0:40:20.520 --> 0:40:22.480 feel like you can get past it. And by the way, 0:40:22.520 --> 0:40:25.480 as Chelsea said, there is totally hope. That's amazing that 0:40:25.560 --> 0:40:28.480 you're able to prioritize who he is as a person 0:40:28.520 --> 0:40:31.279 over everything else. And he's good at other things. So 0:40:31.320 --> 0:40:33.600 I'm having a good time. Yeah, we got it, you 0:40:33.719 --> 0:40:35.160 like when he goes down on you, we got it 0:40:35.440 --> 0:40:38.640 loud ready, we got it, And we're happy for you. 0:40:38.920 --> 0:40:42.600 And he's lucky to have you. Yes, well, thank you, 0:40:43.280 --> 0:40:45.320 and Docoy is lucky to have you. I'm very happy 0:40:45.400 --> 0:40:49.239 for you, Chelsea. Thanks Teresa, thank you so much. It's 0:40:49.280 --> 0:40:54.759 so nice. Thank you, thank you. Oh she's so cute. Yeah. 0:40:54.800 --> 0:40:58.759 This brings me back to like Darshana and Camille, who 0:40:58.880 --> 0:41:02.160 were a nice lesbian cup ball on sex, Love and Goop. 0:41:02.360 --> 0:41:05.640 And what I thought was so interesting is that one 0:41:05.680 --> 0:41:09.120 of them had issues with penetration, which you know, is 0:41:09.600 --> 0:41:12.640 so similar to this situation. But it came back to 0:41:12.840 --> 0:41:17.200 that religious trauma that she had gone through, and the 0:41:17.280 --> 0:41:21.520 relaxation exercises they did, the like hands on sexual therapy 0:41:21.600 --> 0:41:25.200 that they did, really helped. But I mean it truly 0:41:25.320 --> 0:41:28.319 for her was it was all in her head and 0:41:28.360 --> 0:41:31.360 getting past that really opened up so many new avenues 0:41:31.400 --> 0:41:34.000 for them. And I think that's an important salient point 0:41:34.080 --> 0:41:37.000 to drive home for this series for Gwyneth, because it 0:41:37.239 --> 0:41:42.000 is we all, especially as women, are so in our 0:41:42.040 --> 0:41:46.400 heads about how, you know, think about hooking up with 0:41:46.480 --> 0:41:49.000 somebody for the first time or getting to know somebody 0:41:49.000 --> 0:41:51.080 and thinking about the way that you present your body 0:41:51.239 --> 0:41:54.200 or the positions you put yourself into be more flattering, 0:41:54.320 --> 0:41:57.480 or you know, looking a certain way, or you know, 0:41:57.560 --> 0:42:01.080 we all look a little bit ugly at times when 0:42:01.080 --> 0:42:03.160 we're having sex. We look a little silly, we look 0:42:03.160 --> 0:42:06.160 a little ridiculous, and instead of is showing that it's 0:42:06.200 --> 0:42:09.279 better to lean in and embrace it and understand that 0:42:09.360 --> 0:42:11.600 we are human beings. That we are going to look 0:42:11.600 --> 0:42:14.839 silly with our legs behind our ears, you know, you know, 0:42:15.000 --> 0:42:18.560 but we are going to be in positions that are vulnerable, 0:42:18.719 --> 0:42:21.800 that make us feel like, you know, oh my god, 0:42:21.920 --> 0:42:23.960 where is he going to see my bellule? Fat? Is 0:42:23.960 --> 0:42:27.399 he gonna see my cellulite? And as woman, the more 0:42:27.480 --> 0:42:30.400 you embrace that, the more that you lean into it, 0:42:30.560 --> 0:42:39.279 the more sexualized you become, and the more sexy sex becomes. Yep, 0:42:39.880 --> 0:42:42.840 did you just climax? It sounded like I mean, it 0:42:42.920 --> 0:42:45.680 really makes me think of again my relationship with my 0:42:45.760 --> 0:42:48.400 husband because, to put it quickly, he and I have 0:42:48.520 --> 0:42:51.239 very different taste in women, and it took me a 0:42:51.239 --> 0:42:54.640 long time to realize that, you know, I'm a curvy girl. 0:42:55.160 --> 0:42:58.040 He doesn't like me despite my body type. He actually 0:42:58.040 --> 0:43:02.960 likes me because of my body type. And honestly, Instagram 0:43:02.960 --> 0:43:05.920 really helped with that, following a lot of gorgeous women 0:43:06.080 --> 0:43:08.400 who look a lot like me and being like, wait, 0:43:08.440 --> 0:43:12.600 if she looks great in that bikini dress? Whatever. It 0:43:12.680 --> 0:43:14.719 took a while, but I had to sort of recondition 0:43:14.800 --> 0:43:17.480 my brain to finally realize, like, well, that's actually what 0:43:17.640 --> 0:43:20.520 turns him on, that's what he's looking for in a partner. 0:43:20.560 --> 0:43:23.480 And well, I know, Esther, you've said this to me before, 0:43:23.520 --> 0:43:25.640 that Brad always likes you like eight pounds up. Because 0:43:25.960 --> 0:43:28.359 Esther always thinks she's eight pounds up or seven, it's 0:43:28.400 --> 0:43:30.680 seven or eight. She's always like, I'm eight pounds heavier 0:43:30.719 --> 0:43:32.920 than i'd like to be. And I'm always three pounds 0:43:32.960 --> 0:43:35.879 heavier than I like to be. And my guy Joe 0:43:36.040 --> 0:43:38.200 is always like, I like put more weight on. He's like, 0:43:38.239 --> 0:43:40.319 I like a little extra meat on you. And I 0:43:40.360 --> 0:43:43.000 know Brad likes I'm Gwinnett too, He's like, I like that, 0:43:43.120 --> 0:43:46.160 you know, bulk up. That seems to be a theme 0:43:46.200 --> 0:43:49.400 here because my doesnt. So. I think what we think. 0:43:49.480 --> 0:43:52.840 You know, we're always presenting ourselves almost for other women, 0:43:53.400 --> 0:43:56.240 not for our men, because if if they had their druthers, 0:43:56.320 --> 0:43:58.479 we would all be a little beefier. They want something 0:43:58.520 --> 0:44:00.799 to hold onto, They like a little junk in our trunk, 0:44:00.840 --> 0:44:03.880 wouldn't you agree, Esther? I think that's absolutely right. I 0:44:03.920 --> 0:44:06.839 think that we as women look in the mirror like 0:44:06.960 --> 0:44:09.000 we have I don't know how we arrived at this 0:44:09.160 --> 0:44:12.080 ridiculous idea or number or whatever. But we're like, oh, 0:44:12.320 --> 0:44:16.520 I like myself at X weight. And as you were saying, 0:44:16.520 --> 0:44:20.600 like we need to, I think just expand you know, 0:44:20.680 --> 0:44:23.240 instead of looking at at things through a punitive lens, 0:44:23.320 --> 0:44:25.080 like I'm not where I want to be, I don't 0:44:25.120 --> 0:44:27.600 look my best. It's like, what if we just like 0:44:27.719 --> 0:44:30.279 relax a little bit and open the spectrum of like 0:44:30.400 --> 0:44:33.680 what was beautiful for us? And because I do think 0:44:33.719 --> 0:44:36.520 a lot of a lot of men, you know, like us. 0:44:36.800 --> 0:44:38.799 However we come that day, you know what I mean. 0:44:38.800 --> 0:44:41.880 They're far more accepting of us than we are of 0:44:41.880 --> 0:44:45.040 our own bodies, I know. And and it's funny that 0:44:45.080 --> 0:44:48.600 we hold you know, there is a new new movement 0:44:48.719 --> 0:44:50.880 that's been happening for the last couple of years with 0:44:50.920 --> 0:44:54.319 people like Ashley Graham who are so body positive and 0:44:54.400 --> 0:44:57.319 who is a professional model who's showing all of the 0:44:57.320 --> 0:44:59.719 flaws that we have on our body and showing the 0:44:59.760 --> 0:45:03.759 b uty of cellulite, of pregnancy, of all of you know, 0:45:03.920 --> 0:45:06.279 the gorgeousness that is involved in that. And I think 0:45:06.320 --> 0:45:10.360 there's a new phase of body consciousness that people understand. 0:45:10.440 --> 0:45:13.000 You know, every type is sexy, and it sounds it 0:45:13.040 --> 0:45:14.960 can sound like a bunch of horseship, But it's like 0:45:14.960 --> 0:45:18.359 when you really talk to people who are living in 0:45:18.440 --> 0:45:21.360 their bodies, and I know you you are always living 0:45:21.360 --> 0:45:23.840 in your body because you're always doing something to help yourself. 0:45:23.880 --> 0:45:25.920 Are you still not? I saw got this summer and 0:45:25.960 --> 0:45:28.719 she hadn't had a drink in like seven months, and 0:45:28.760 --> 0:45:31.400 that may be sad. I just oh, by the way, Ester, 0:45:31.520 --> 0:45:34.279 I just finished a thirty day alcohol cleans. Can you 0:45:34.320 --> 0:45:36.799 dig it? She fs She's about to finish a three 0:45:36.880 --> 0:45:41.640 hundred and sixty five day alcohol less Oh my god, 0:45:41.800 --> 0:45:44.239 it's been Yeah, it's been a long year of no 0:45:44.680 --> 0:45:47.080 barely any alcohol. I mean I've had a sip here 0:45:47.120 --> 0:45:49.560 and there, but very well. But how is that affecting you? 0:45:49.600 --> 0:45:51.719 Are you happy about that? Do you feel great? Or 0:45:51.719 --> 0:45:55.400 do you feel you know me? I love a drink 0:45:55.600 --> 0:45:57.799 and I love the ritual of it, and I love 0:45:57.840 --> 0:46:01.279 to sit down and have one and chat. And I 0:46:01.360 --> 0:46:04.800 love the taste of alcohol, like I'm I love whiskey 0:46:04.920 --> 0:46:07.960 and wine and whatever vodka like I'll take it all. 0:46:08.360 --> 0:46:11.799 But I think what happened was it was it was 0:46:11.960 --> 0:46:15.080 just you know, having gotten COVID and having felt like Ship, 0:46:15.239 --> 0:46:18.240 but like having had long COVID stuff for a while, 0:46:18.360 --> 0:46:21.800 and I just wasn't I just didn't feel vibrant. I 0:46:21.840 --> 0:46:26.160 didn't feel good, and I had really high inflammation levels. 0:46:26.160 --> 0:46:27.920 And the doctor was like, look, you really need to 0:46:27.960 --> 0:46:30.279 clean up your act, like you gotta at least for 0:46:30.360 --> 0:46:33.880 three months, no alcohol, no grains, no sugar, you know, 0:46:33.960 --> 0:46:38.080 nothing processed, everything like that, and so I kind of 0:46:38.120 --> 0:46:40.839 begrudgingly did it, and then I just started to feel 0:46:40.880 --> 0:46:44.080 so good. And I don't know, I'm not going to 0:46:44.160 --> 0:46:48.600 do it forever. But I think has been about like 0:46:48.719 --> 0:46:52.359 me trying to value my health and wellness a little 0:46:52.360 --> 0:46:55.120 bit more, because especially during COVID, I was just like 0:46:55.200 --> 0:47:00.520 eating whatever, drinking you know, seven nights a week. And 0:47:01.520 --> 0:47:04.960 it's been really interesting and I like, I sleep so 0:47:05.040 --> 0:47:08.400 much better with no alcohol. It's wild, like I have 0:47:08.480 --> 0:47:11.839 this orr ring and it tracks like your heart rate 0:47:11.880 --> 0:47:13.799 and how will you sleep? And it's like if I 0:47:13.840 --> 0:47:17.080 have two SIPs of wine, like on Saturday night with 0:47:17.120 --> 0:47:19.480 someone's birthday and I toasted and I had two SIPs 0:47:19.480 --> 0:47:22.520 of wine and like I slept like ship. So I 0:47:22.520 --> 0:47:24.920 don't know, we'll see, Yeah, I know, that's what I thought. 0:47:24.960 --> 0:47:26.440 I was like, Oh, I'm gonna do thirty days of 0:47:26.440 --> 0:47:28.160 no alcohol, and I was like, oh no, what if 0:47:28.160 --> 0:47:30.400 I become one of those sober people because people always 0:47:30.400 --> 0:47:32.040 go I did thirty days and I felt so good, 0:47:32.080 --> 0:47:33.520 so I did it sixties. So I made sure a 0:47:33.600 --> 0:47:36.279 day thirty. I'm like, get me an apriall spirits right stack, 0:47:36.320 --> 0:47:38.680 because I don't want to be sober, but thank God 0:47:38.719 --> 0:47:41.600 because you not drinking. It's like, I don't even know 0:47:41.640 --> 0:47:46.040 what that means. Our last question comes from Sydney, and 0:47:46.120 --> 0:47:48.360 this ties right into some of the things you have 0:47:48.400 --> 0:47:51.319 going on at group right now, Gwyneth Dear Chelsea. I'm 0:47:51.360 --> 0:47:53.719 twenty four years old and I haven't had sex in 0:47:53.880 --> 0:47:56.440 three years. I'd be totally fine with that if I 0:47:56.520 --> 0:47:59.279 knew how to masturbate, but I don't, nor have I 0:47:59.320 --> 0:48:03.120 ever had an orgasm. My parents were open and encouraging 0:48:03.160 --> 0:48:05.520 when it came to our sexuality, but for some reason, 0:48:05.800 --> 0:48:08.640 I've never been able to overcome the mental hurdles. I 0:48:08.640 --> 0:48:11.720 would try the casual hook up, but I'm terrible at dating, 0:48:11.719 --> 0:48:14.160 and my last sexual encounter was a bit traumatic and 0:48:14.200 --> 0:48:16.680 has taken me a lot of time to process. At 0:48:16.719 --> 0:48:18.680 this point, the most stimulation I get is from that 0:48:18.800 --> 0:48:22.080 cheesy show Sex Life. What do I do? Thank you? Sydney? 0:48:23.400 --> 0:48:25.680 What do you think esther? First of all, I think 0:48:25.680 --> 0:48:31.320 there's a lot of pressure around orgasm and dating, and Gio, 0:48:31.400 --> 0:48:33.200 who is one of the experts on the show, kind 0:48:33.239 --> 0:48:35.960 of talks about a spectrum of orgasms and a spectrum 0:48:35.960 --> 0:48:38.359 of pleasure and that sometimes you know, we have this 0:48:38.840 --> 0:48:41.640 in our mind. It's like this high stake situation and 0:48:41.719 --> 0:48:43.480 are we going to be able to orgasm or not? 0:48:44.000 --> 0:48:48.080 And I think if Sydney starts to just explore what 0:48:48.360 --> 0:48:50.440 feels good to her, you know, it doesn't have to 0:48:50.480 --> 0:48:54.719 be straight to the genitals. It's like, what is she like? 0:48:54.920 --> 0:48:57.960 What feels good like? You know? She I think she 0:48:58.000 --> 0:49:01.239 should try to understand her body. And he's totally accepting 0:49:01.320 --> 0:49:04.799 of what feels right to her and what turns her on. 0:49:05.000 --> 0:49:07.040 You know, think of the things that turn you on. 0:49:08.080 --> 0:49:11.400 For a total beginner like that, would you recommend a 0:49:11.800 --> 0:49:14.279 like a toy like a vibrator or just kind of 0:49:14.320 --> 0:49:17.399 experimenting on her own. I think that a vibrator can't hurt, 0:49:17.440 --> 0:49:20.120 because it's good to just explore what you know, what 0:49:20.239 --> 0:49:22.520 your options are, and see what's out there. I mean, 0:49:22.920 --> 0:49:25.560 vibrators are popular for a reason. You know, a lot 0:49:25.600 --> 0:49:27.720 of women get a lot of pleasure from that. People 0:49:27.719 --> 0:49:30.680 have very sensitive nipples, people have very sensitive backs of 0:49:30.719 --> 0:49:33.680 their neck, people have, you know, sensitive areas. You kind 0:49:33.680 --> 0:49:36.239 of have to find out what your zone is, you know, 0:49:36.600 --> 0:49:39.440 where you feel like you're being turned on. What do 0:49:39.480 --> 0:49:41.640 you see that turns you on? Is it a man, 0:49:41.880 --> 0:49:44.000 is it a woman? Is it gay porn? Is it 0:49:44.120 --> 0:49:47.400 straight porn? Like is it porn? Is it a love story? Like? 0:49:47.680 --> 0:49:49.839 You just have to find out where, like you know, 0:49:49.960 --> 0:49:54.000 your orogenous zones are a and what kind of makes 0:49:54.040 --> 0:49:56.799 you get those feelings is a good place to start. 0:49:56.880 --> 0:50:00.360 And she did mention that she had trauma in her past, 0:50:00.480 --> 0:50:04.479 and that is obviously something that needs to be explored 0:50:04.640 --> 0:50:08.120 and then extinguished for her to feel free enough sexually, 0:50:08.440 --> 0:50:12.040 to relax enough to find out what does give her pleasure, 0:50:12.080 --> 0:50:15.239 because there is a relaxing component that you need to have. 0:50:15.440 --> 0:50:17.480 It's like when you hook up with somebody in the beginning. 0:50:17.760 --> 0:50:20.640 I know for myself it was very hard to have 0:50:21.520 --> 0:50:26.240 sex with people I didn't have relationships with and allow 0:50:26.360 --> 0:50:29.720 and and and and come to orgasm like I wouldn't 0:50:29.760 --> 0:50:32.239 feel comfortable enough. I could have sex with them, but 0:50:32.280 --> 0:50:35.000 I wasn't going to relax enough and show them the way. 0:50:35.040 --> 0:50:36.680 And this is what I like, and I want you 0:50:36.719 --> 0:50:39.400 to do this to my boob or we know whatever. 0:50:39.560 --> 0:50:41.960 Like I don't feel comfortable. I didn't feel comfortable enough 0:50:42.000 --> 0:50:44.360 with somebody to do that. So you do have to 0:50:44.440 --> 0:50:48.000 relax and have an understanding of your own body and 0:50:48.080 --> 0:50:51.719 a comfort level. And if there is trauma that's unresolved, 0:50:51.719 --> 0:50:55.200 then that is going to contribute to that kind of stall. 0:50:55.680 --> 0:50:58.319 I agree with that. And after that, I think we 0:50:58.360 --> 0:51:01.040 can all go finger blast ourselves. Yeah, I mean that's 0:51:01.080 --> 0:51:04.520 the takeaway. Problem solved, as usual, problem solved. You've come 0:51:04.520 --> 0:51:08.680 to the best. I'm happy to send Sydney. Let's do that. Please, 0:51:08.800 --> 0:51:11.520 Let's send her. Let's make sure we record that. Let's 0:51:11.560 --> 0:51:15.520 send her, send her exactly. That's perfect. Gwyneth to the 0:51:15.560 --> 0:51:20.760 rescue as usual, Yes, usual, lament. I think we actually 0:51:20.760 --> 0:51:25.040 should take a quick break. Oh, okay, we'll go to 0:51:25.080 --> 0:51:29.600 some ads. So one thing we've been doing recently is 0:51:29.680 --> 0:51:32.880 our guests are actually asking Chelsea for advice. So, Gwyneth, 0:51:32.920 --> 0:51:35.160 is there anything that you'd like to ask Chelsea? Yes, 0:51:35.239 --> 0:51:36.799 this is my favorite part of the show, so I 0:51:36.880 --> 0:51:39.240 need you to take it very seriously. Esther, I would 0:51:39.280 --> 0:51:43.919 love to ask, what are the practices that you put 0:51:43.960 --> 0:51:47.040 in place to finally get over the hurdle of your 0:51:47.080 --> 0:51:52.920 intimacy stuff and really accept Joe wholeheartedly and deeply into 0:51:53.000 --> 0:51:56.800 your heart. Well, I spent a lot of time in therapy, 0:51:57.320 --> 0:52:00.280 like two years, and then I did it full attle 0:52:00.320 --> 0:52:02.200 because I didn't want to do it long term. I 0:52:02.239 --> 0:52:03.960 wanted to do it and get to the root of 0:52:03.960 --> 0:52:07.080 the matter, and of course I'll go back when issues arise, 0:52:07.160 --> 0:52:08.879 but I didn't want it to be a long term thing. 0:52:09.360 --> 0:52:12.160 And I remember somebody saying, you know, when you get healthy, 0:52:12.360 --> 0:52:15.000 you attract a healthy and I always thought, okay, what 0:52:15.040 --> 0:52:16.920 do I have to do to get healthy? And the 0:52:16.960 --> 0:52:20.160 first thing was really digging deep into, you know, discovering 0:52:20.160 --> 0:52:22.279 yourself and what your what your issues are, why you 0:52:22.320 --> 0:52:24.520 behave the way you do, why I had so many 0:52:24.520 --> 0:52:28.680 guardrails up and once you unpack that. If somebody had said, Okay, 0:52:28.719 --> 0:52:30.640 in six years you're gonna meet the love of your life, 0:52:30.680 --> 0:52:32.439 I would be like, Okay, just blow my brains out. 0:52:32.440 --> 0:52:34.840 That's too long, you know. If somebody had set but 0:52:34.880 --> 0:52:37.880 that's really how long it took, because it's the practice 0:52:37.880 --> 0:52:40.640 of going to therapy. Then it's the practice of taking 0:52:40.640 --> 0:52:44.239 what you learned in therapy and absorbing it and then 0:52:44.280 --> 0:52:47.080 applying it to your life, which is a daily practice. 0:52:47.200 --> 0:52:52.160 And I now I'm just a much healthier, emotionally healthier person. 0:52:52.520 --> 0:52:55.120 I meditate every morning I used I meditate on my 0:52:55.160 --> 0:52:59.920 grounding Matt every morning. I am a positive light instead 0:53:00.040 --> 0:53:02.920 of I don't like if anyone is negative, or anyone 0:53:03.040 --> 0:53:06.680 is bitching or gossiping. I no longer have any frequency 0:53:06.760 --> 0:53:09.319 for that. I just immediately am turned off by that, 0:53:09.400 --> 0:53:11.960 and I walk in the other direction, and my habits 0:53:12.000 --> 0:53:14.600 have changed. And when you are light and love, then 0:53:14.719 --> 0:53:17.759 it just bounces right back at you. And for me 0:53:17.840 --> 0:53:20.160 to see his light and love, which was around me 0:53:20.200 --> 0:53:23.719 for fifteen years in my face, I did not see it, 0:53:23.800 --> 0:53:25.680 and it was sitting right in front of me, and 0:53:25.719 --> 0:53:27.319 he wouldn't have it. And I go, I can't believe 0:53:27.360 --> 0:53:29.560 we've wasted fifteen years. He goes, Honey, we didn't waste 0:53:29.560 --> 0:53:31.600 fifteen years. He goes, this is the best it's ever 0:53:31.640 --> 0:53:34.319 gonna be. The timing is perfect. I could have been 0:53:34.360 --> 0:53:36.000 five more years, and I would have been happy to 0:53:36.000 --> 0:53:39.120 have you then, like, so I just I mean, I 0:53:39.160 --> 0:53:41.120 can't say it enough. Like when you do the work 0:53:41.160 --> 0:53:44.080 to make yourself the best version of yourself, which is 0:53:44.080 --> 0:53:49.160 an ongoing process as we all know, it attracts the best, 0:53:49.320 --> 0:53:51.680 and then you're able to see with a clearer lens 0:53:51.719 --> 0:53:53.440 all of the people, all of the things that you 0:53:53.480 --> 0:53:56.120 were missing, like how green the trees are, you know, 0:53:56.200 --> 0:53:58.200 and how beautiful it is to walk on the beach, 0:53:58.680 --> 0:54:00.520 and all of the little things that I thought we're 0:54:00.560 --> 0:54:03.719 corny to think about or mentioned are beautiful to me now, 0:54:04.200 --> 0:54:06.520 you know. I look at the moon, I stare at it. 0:54:06.600 --> 0:54:09.359 I'm like, that is magnificent, you know. I look at 0:54:09.400 --> 0:54:12.680 the trees, I'm like, look at nature, Like everything is beautiful. 0:54:13.040 --> 0:54:16.240 So yeah, I feel very healed. Not like I'm fully 0:54:16.280 --> 0:54:19.120 cooked or done, but I feel like I'm in the 0:54:19.160 --> 0:54:21.640 process of healing. And being in love is the most 0:54:21.680 --> 0:54:24.240 healing thing I could have ever asked for. Oh my god, 0:54:24.560 --> 0:54:29.280 I'm like, I'm crying. I'm so happy for you. Thanks honey, 0:54:29.320 --> 0:54:31.880 Thanks Esther. I'm so happy for you too. You have 0:54:32.000 --> 0:54:34.719 that kind of love too. We've been praying for this 0:54:34.840 --> 0:54:37.640 for you for a long time. So I can't believe 0:54:37.719 --> 0:54:41.000 how beautiful that was. You're so sweet to be crying, 0:54:41.440 --> 0:54:44.239 Esther's crying everyone, and you're moving me. I love you. 0:54:44.680 --> 0:54:47.840 I love you, honey. I love you so much. And 0:54:47.840 --> 0:54:49.560 I'll be your neighbor in about a year once I'm 0:54:49.600 --> 0:54:52.799 done renovating my house. I can't wait to get you 0:54:52.840 --> 0:54:57.080 in the neighborhood. Exciting times, honey. Ladies, this was so wonderful. 0:54:57.120 --> 0:54:59.520 Thank you for having me. I really appreciate it. And 0:54:59.760 --> 0:55:01.839 every one can tune into sex love and Goop It's 0:55:01.880 --> 0:55:05.080 dreams today Netflix, watch it, watch it. You're gonna have 0:55:05.200 --> 0:55:09.600 four sex with your partners. Everybody is going to be healed. 0:55:10.040 --> 0:55:14.520 Thank you, Oh my god, thank you so much. By Okay, 0:55:14.560 --> 0:55:17.480 bye guys. Thanks Civilian, thank you, thank you. By