Speaker 1: Oh hello everybody. Oh it's Thursday or Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter what day it is that you're listening
Speaker 1: to this podcast, but it comes out every Thursday. And
Speaker 1: this is Dear Chelsea and I'm Chelsea hand Chop and
Speaker 1: this is my co host, Catherine law Hi. So much
Speaker 1: to report. Yes, oh god, I had the best fucking
Speaker 1: weekend ever. You've been on tour, like math, Oh my god,
Speaker 1: it's been the best. I went to Albany, which was awesome.
Speaker 1: I went to Boston. I love Boston. Oh my god.
Speaker 1: The theater was built in eighteen fifty four that I
Speaker 1: performed in in Boston, and it felt like it. I
Speaker 1: was sweating through my jumpsuit. I had to throw away
Speaker 1: my underwear after the show I threw I walked off
Speaker 1: stage at the Orpheum Theater in Boston. First of all,
Speaker 1: one of the best crowds ever. I've had so many
Speaker 1: great crowds on this tour. And I just love performing
Speaker 1: in Boston because I'm an East Coaster and I'm from
Speaker 1: the Vineyard, and I just, you know, all of those
Speaker 1: places feel like home to me. And I walked off
Speaker 1: stage and into what seemed like a prison shower at
Speaker 1: the Orpheum Theater just and I threw my underwear and
Speaker 1: my bra and the garbage. I just was like, these
Speaker 1: two have seen their this is it and uh. And
Speaker 1: then I did two shows of the Beacon, which were
Speaker 1: epic because the first show I had Sarah Cooper, who
Speaker 1: you know that great girls who did all those trumpet
Speaker 1: and then I had Amy Schumer and Sarah Silverman come
Speaker 1: in to do surprise sets, which was the crowd went nuts.
Speaker 1: And my crowds, I have to say everyone at my
Speaker 1: shows Saturday and Sunday at the Beacon, all the comics
Speaker 1: that performed were like, Chelsea, you have the best crowds.
Speaker 1: Amy said it, Sarah said it. I had Matteo Lane,
Speaker 1: who's this incredible comic. If you don't know him, please
Speaker 1: try and find him on Instagram Mateo Lane. He's so funny.
Speaker 1: Hopefully I'll have him when I announced more dates, I
Speaker 1: had rosebud Baker and then Sarah Cooper again Sunday night.
Speaker 1: My crowds are the best crowds and they were in
Speaker 1: the best mood and I'm my family was there. I
Speaker 1: had so many friends there and we just crushed it.
Speaker 1: It was just one of those great weekends. So we
Speaker 1: justin ounced more tour dates in Canada and the Pacific Northwest.
Speaker 1: We're coming to Seattle, We're coming to Eugene and Portland
Speaker 1: and Winnipeg and Vancouver and Toronto and all of those places.
Speaker 1: So please look at Chelsea Handler dot com for your tickets.
Speaker 1: And I'm gonna bring Joe Koy to my Florida dates,
Speaker 1: so we will have some Joe Koy Chelsea Handler duo
Speaker 1: action in Jacksonville Jacksonville, Florida, and we're going to Orlando, Miami,
Speaker 1: and St. Petersburg, So please look at my website by
Speaker 1: your tickets. This tour has been awesome. I'm crushing it
Speaker 1: and I usually don't say that about myself, but I'm
Speaker 1: gonna because I fucking ad and it's a message that
Speaker 1: everyone needs to hear right now. And my thirty day
Speaker 1: alcohol clans is, Oh, I'm a couple of days really,
Speaker 1: because I started a few days after you. You were
Speaker 1: like four days in or something. How have you felt
Speaker 1: on it? Okay, I'm not. It was easy for the
Speaker 1: first couple of weeks, and then once I got to
Speaker 1: New York City and I was I was staying in
Speaker 1: New York, like between my weekends where I go on
Speaker 1: the road and Joe goes on the road, so we
Speaker 1: meet up. The last two weeks we've met up in
Speaker 1: New York. Going to New York and going out to
Speaker 1: restaurants was the most challenging for me because that's where
Speaker 1: I wanted Margarita right. I wanted Margarita no salt and
Speaker 1: I and that was very difficult. But Joe is so
Speaker 1: great because he doesn't care about drinking, so it didn't matter,
Speaker 1: so it was easy to be with him. So we
Speaker 1: started ordering non alcoholic beers and now I'm addicted to
Speaker 1: non alcoholic beer. Class Tower is my favorite. But I
Speaker 1: went into one place and they had the Heideken zero
Speaker 1: and they handed to us, handed it to us, and
Speaker 1: I was like jones ing by the time, I like
Speaker 1: the third day of non alcoholic beer. Once I was
Speaker 1: introduced to it, I was like, oh wait. I was like,
Speaker 1: I need out alcoholic beer right now. Joe, let's go.
Speaker 1: And He's like, oh my god, you're such a non
Speaker 1: alcoholic alcoholic. And they served us a Heineken zero and
Speaker 1: it was warm, and I just I said, we have
Speaker 1: to go right now, and I just left a hundred
Speaker 1: bucks on the table and we departed. I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm already struggling. So it was the last week that
Speaker 1: was the hardest. I broke it. Last night after my
Speaker 1: show at the Beacon, I went out with Matteo, Lane,
Speaker 1: and Alana Glazier from Broad City. She was at my show,
Speaker 1: love her and Matteo and his friend Dorian, and we
Speaker 1: had an apperall sprits at dinner. I had to lovely, Lovely.
Speaker 1: I've been feeling the same way like after week two.
Speaker 1: It was harder, and I kept sort of waiting for
Speaker 1: what everybody talks about, like and I just felt so
Speaker 1: inspired and wonderful and no hangovers and all this stuff.
Speaker 1: I kept waiting for that, but I just found myself
Speaker 1: being very bored in the evenings and very boring. I
Speaker 1: found myself to be boring, Like people come on the
Speaker 1: road in the openers. I have different girls coming to
Speaker 1: different cities, and I think they think, like it's going
Speaker 1: to be this party afterwards, We're gonna go to drink,
Speaker 1: And I was like, I go to my room and
Speaker 1: FaceTime with my boyfriend, and now that's my life and
Speaker 1: I have I have no social skills without alcohol, Like
Speaker 1: I mean, I do, but you have to. It's a hurdle.
Speaker 1: Like going out without drinking is like do I really
Speaker 1: want to do that to myself. I'd rather just go
Speaker 1: home and be by myself, so there's no pressure to socialize,
Speaker 1: you know. And Plus when I'm starting my tours, I liked,
Speaker 1: well this store. I wanted to be really focused, and
Speaker 1: I kept running into people that had done a thirty
Speaker 1: day cleanse, like my hair stylist Ben Scriven in New York.
Speaker 1: He was like, oh, I I took January sober January,
Speaker 1: and then it led to ten more months and I
Speaker 1: was like, oh, is that going to happen to me?
Speaker 1: Am I going to be a sneaky sober person? And
Speaker 1: then I was like no, no, you can't do that, Chelsea,
Speaker 1: Like that is not your personality. So I think it
Speaker 1: has to be accumulative. Like I think people get to
Speaker 1: a month and then they do another month and then
Speaker 1: you start to feel so incredible, but like month three,
Speaker 1: I don't have that kind of time. Another thing that
Speaker 1: happened was that I was eating whatever the funk I
Speaker 1: wanted to do or wanted to and that was counter
Speaker 1: active to my no alcohol right. The one thing I
Speaker 1: did notice is that my skin and my face was tight,
Speaker 1: like is tight. It got tight and everyone was going,
Speaker 1: oh my god, your skin is so incredible. That could
Speaker 1: also be because I'm in love. It could also be
Speaker 1: because I'm getting penetrated on a regular basis. But there
Speaker 1: is a definite component about you know, alcohol does aide you.
Speaker 1: That's not deniable. I mean, but yeah, I I'm glad
Speaker 1: to be done with it. I'm gonna have a drink tonight.
Speaker 1: We're gonna go out to dinner with Joe and his
Speaker 1: son and his ex wife and her friend, and I'm
Speaker 1: planning on having a stiff drink. It's a night for
Speaker 1: a drink. Yeah, And I think I'll just I think
Speaker 1: I'll probably taper off my drinking a little bit. I mean,
Speaker 1: it was already a lot less than I had been.
Speaker 1: But I do like being clear and on stage. I
Speaker 1: don't like having alcohol in my system or around when
Speaker 1: I'm when I'm performing. Yeah, I would imagine it sort
Speaker 1: of slows you down and makes you a little more
Speaker 1: sluggish on stage. Sluggish. And I'll so, Yeah, Like I
Speaker 1: like sharpness. I want to be quick and I want
Speaker 1: to be sharp and I want to know what the
Speaker 1: hell I'm doing so that I'm in complete control of
Speaker 1: the situation. Right. So, I luckily, at the age tender
Speaker 1: age of forty six, I've realized how to do stand up.
Speaker 1: What are you planning on having as your first drink?
Speaker 1: I think it's gonna be champagne. But one of the
Speaker 1: other things that happened at some point during this experiment,
Speaker 1: like there was a night where I woke up in
Speaker 1: the morning and felt like I had a hangover. Like
Speaker 1: if I had had a drink the night before, I
Speaker 1: would have been like, wow, I got a hangover from
Speaker 1: one drink. That happened to me too, did it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: every morning that I was on the road, I woke
Speaker 1: up and felt hung over, And I'm like, this is
Speaker 1: very unfair, because god forbid I was drinking. How the
Speaker 1: funk would I have felt? I wouldn't have been. And
Speaker 1: the schedules when you're when you're on the road, like
Speaker 1: you take four hour car drives. It's a fucking racket.
Speaker 1: And you know, it takes a lot of energy to
Speaker 1: be on stage for an hour and a half or
Speaker 1: however long I do, usually like an hour, ten twenty minutes,
Speaker 1: but it takes a lot. Then with alcohol just compounds
Speaker 1: the situation. So I was like, Oh, if I feel
Speaker 1: hungover without alcohol, what is alcohol going to add to
Speaker 1: the mix. So that's very frustrating, but I felt that
Speaker 1: way too. Yeah, but I think it's going to be champagne.
Speaker 1: Champagne is the thing, Okay, Yeah, well I can't enjoy that.
Speaker 1: I also don't want to minimize that people do have
Speaker 1: real struggles with alcohol. Clearly we're joking about it, but
Speaker 1: I know a lot of our listeners have a lot
Speaker 1: of issues with substances, and so please don't you know,
Speaker 1: I don't want you to feel disrespected or not heard.
Speaker 1: I think having it be this easy to take a
Speaker 1: break is a reason to take a break from alcohol.
Speaker 1: If it is difficult to take a break, then you
Speaker 1: probably have something to talk about, you know, And you
Speaker 1: should take a break if it feels like you can't.
Speaker 1: But I know that people sometimes have to take a
Speaker 1: break and sometimes they have to stop. So you and
Speaker 1: I are clearly just taking a break. And yeah, and
Speaker 1: that was, honestly one of the things that motivated me
Speaker 1: to not quit in the middle is because I thought
Speaker 1: to myself, well, if I can't do the default days,
Speaker 1: then that means something to me, and maybe there is
Speaker 1: an issue with that because I enjoyed drinking, but it
Speaker 1: was kind of a nice refresher to see how I
Speaker 1: function without it and kind of take the temperature on that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: see how I functioned without it? Yeah, exactly because I
Speaker 1: said to Joe, I got I have no social skills.
Speaker 1: He goes, Honey, you can't say that if you don't drink,
Speaker 1: you have no social skills. I'm like, no, I haven't
Speaker 1: had social skills since the pandemic, and not drinking is
Speaker 1: really making me realize it. But we all are lacking
Speaker 1: in social skills right now. You know, we're all just
Speaker 1: gonna be a little weird. There's a lot of gaps
Speaker 1: and conversations where there were none before. Let's just put
Speaker 1: it that way. Yes, absolutely, And by the way, you
Speaker 1: know what, I've got so many d ms on Instagram
Speaker 1: of people who were joining us in the in the
Speaker 1: on the clans. They were like, you've inspired me to
Speaker 1: take thirty days off. I got a girl that said
Speaker 1: she took thirty days off. She's moving on to another
Speaker 1: month because she feels so great. So to all of
Speaker 1: the people that DM me who are listening to this.
Speaker 1: I see your messages and I'm really excited that we're
Speaker 1: able to kind of do this stuff together because it's
Speaker 1: so helpful to do something like this and no other
Speaker 1: people are doing it with you, you know, Yeah, have you?
Speaker 1: Has your husband done it too? Um, he's sort of
Speaker 1: done it. He drank a lot less, we'll put it
Speaker 1: that way. You know. Our love runs deep, So yeah,
Speaker 1: you're running and even deeper now because you guys have
Speaker 1: been watching Sex, Love and Gool. Which brings us to
Speaker 1: our next guests. And she's a very exciting guest. But
Speaker 1: we have to take an ad break. Oh, we'll be
Speaker 1: right back. Okay. Sounds good. Okay, So I'm going to
Speaker 1: go ahead and introduce our guest for today, who is
Speaker 1: a dear friend of mine. I love her so much.
Speaker 1: She's an actress. She's an entrepreneur and CEO and founder
Speaker 1: of Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow. Her show is Sex, Love and Goop.
Speaker 1: It premiers Thursday, October one, which means you can catch
Speaker 1: it today. It's a new six part series on Netflix,
Speaker 1: and I am very excited to introduce my friend Gunnet. Hello.
Speaker 1: Oh hello, call her go ahead, caller, caller, are you there?
Speaker 1: It's meet Chelsea callor Esther. Are you there? Is that you?
Speaker 1: We see you? Baby? I see you? Can you see me?
Speaker 1: You look beautiful? Oh honey, not as beautiful as you? Hi? Hi, Hi, Hi?
Speaker 1: Where are you? I just got to l A. We're
Speaker 1: in a studio in l A. This is my co host, Katherine.
Speaker 1: She's my producer on this podcast. She will be joining us.
Speaker 1: Nice to meet you, Gwyneth. Let's get right into it. Okay, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I would like to start with a you just came
Speaker 1: out with a new vibrator that was very exciting for
Speaker 1: everybody to find out about, because you've been at the
Speaker 1: forefront of celebrities embracing their sex lives and discussing all
Speaker 1: the kind of taboo subjects that everybody in our industry
Speaker 1: seems to be very shy about. So as I was
Speaker 1: reading this quote about you, it sounded a lot about
Speaker 1: like a quote about out me. It says Gwyneth has
Speaker 1: always pushed uncomfortable topics forward and been an advocate for
Speaker 1: normalizing the conversation around female pleasure. And I thought, what
Speaker 1: a great thing to be an advocate for female pleasure.
Speaker 1: And I know from our own friendship forgive me when
Speaker 1: I call her Esther listeners. I called Gwyneth Esther and
Speaker 1: she calls me YELSEI because we have a history together
Speaker 1: and those are our nicknames from a long time ago.
Speaker 1: And I'm not really even sure why, but we've stuck
Speaker 1: with it. I know, why, tell me? Why do you remember? Why? Yeah,
Speaker 1: but I'll tell I'll tell you, Okay. It sounds like
Speaker 1: an ex boyfriend that I'm not just supposed to mention anyway,
Speaker 1: both it's a double penetration ex boyfriend. We're not supposed
Speaker 1: to mention. But we have had very candid conversations about sex,
Speaker 1: you and I have, and and I have to say,
Speaker 1: you know, growing up and knowing of Gwyneth, and before
Speaker 1: I knew her personally, I had an idea about you
Speaker 1: and I had a not a judgment, I want to say,
Speaker 1: but I just thought, wow, yeah, I know I didn't
Speaker 1: eat you, but I just definitely thought you were very patrician.
Speaker 1: That's the right word, right, patrician, which isn't to say
Speaker 1: that you aren't. But when I did get to know you,
Speaker 1: one of the things the most endearing qualities about you
Speaker 1: is how open you are about sex, and how open
Speaker 1: you are about everything really and I remember talking about
Speaker 1: our sex lives, and we were we had a very
Speaker 1: kind of candid conversation with a bunch of people around,
Speaker 1: and I just thought, oh, this is this is more freeing.
Speaker 1: And you were more free than I was at that point,
Speaker 1: which I thought, Oh, how ironic. I'm known as this
Speaker 1: person who's outspoken and says everything, and yet you were
Speaker 1: so much more easily able to discuss kind of the
Speaker 1: the taboos of things like you know, vibrators and different
Speaker 1: kinds of sex, and what turns you on and what
Speaker 1: turns you off, and and all of the things that
Speaker 1: go into the melting pot of being so attracted to
Speaker 1: somebody and building on out attraction through trust and through
Speaker 1: kind of self exploration and everything that encompasses being a whole,
Speaker 1: more full person. Would you say that you were always
Speaker 1: that way? I think so, you know, I mean I
Speaker 1: tend to be I guess a little more circumspect, but
Speaker 1: you know, like in public, but when I'm with my girlfriends,
Speaker 1: as you know, like I just I just want to
Speaker 1: go there, like I want to know what is in
Speaker 1: everybody's way, what are the friction points? Like what is
Speaker 1: everybody up against? Can we peel off some layers of stuff,
Speaker 1: Like I'm so fascinated by what makes us all tick
Speaker 1: and the things that we're honest about and not honest about,
Speaker 1: and what our blind spots are. And I think, like
Speaker 1: the conversation around sex with your women friends, it's such
Speaker 1: a fascinating one because it's like this microcosm of their
Speaker 1: lives where like they think they're talking about sex, but
Speaker 1: they're talking about everything right there, talking about all insecurities
Speaker 1: or you know, patterns that come up, like it's all
Speaker 1: right there. And so I just find it like a
Speaker 1: really fascinating topic. And when do you think that you
Speaker 1: came into your kind of sexual awareness, Like when do
Speaker 1: you think what age were you when you really started
Speaker 1: to understand yourself and your wants sexually, because obviously it's
Speaker 1: a moving target for many of us. Exactly Well, I
Speaker 1: think you said it perfectly, and I think it's still
Speaker 1: a moving target, and I think forever it's an exploration.
Speaker 1: And you know, recently, I've started to think, I don't
Speaker 1: know if you feel this way, but I feel like
Speaker 1: there's so much programming that happens implicitly from the time
Speaker 1: we're young, especially our generation, about what good girls do
Speaker 1: and don't do. And so therefore, if you have a
Speaker 1: thought that's maybe outside the box, or if you want
Speaker 1: to do something that's outside the box, I think you're
Speaker 1: conditioned to think there's something wrong with you, or you know,
Speaker 1: you're weird or whatever. And I think a couple of things.
Speaker 1: I think, first of all, I've had sort of chapters
Speaker 1: in my life where I've felt very close to myself
Speaker 1: sexually and like accepting myself sexually, and then chapters of
Speaker 1: my life where I've felt really far away from myself,
Speaker 1: and I don't know. I think the idea that like,
Speaker 1: I would just love it if we could all give
Speaker 1: ourselves the space to be like, well, let you know,
Speaker 1: let me just explore what this what what this thought is,
Speaker 1: or what this feels like, as opposed to constantly putting
Speaker 1: it in a context of like shame or it was
Speaker 1: bad because I didn't get what I want, or like
Speaker 1: just like what if we started to open up a
Speaker 1: little bit and talk about it's really hard, Like have you,
Speaker 1: you know, been with a partner and said, well, you're
Speaker 1: a different case because you're very forthright. But I think
Speaker 1: to say, like that doesn't feel good, or I would
Speaker 1: really love it if you tried this, Like, it's just
Speaker 1: really hard for women to say. I want to say that.
Speaker 1: It's hard even for me to say. Everyone thinks that
Speaker 1: I have like no idea. It is hard for me
Speaker 1: to say. You know, I I've recently been talking about
Speaker 1: blow jobs because that was something that I thought was degrading.
Speaker 1: I really did. I grew. I went in high school.
Speaker 1: I had a guy. The first time I tried to
Speaker 1: give a blowjob, he put his hand on the back
Speaker 1: of my head, and I thought, get that buck off
Speaker 1: of me, like, you are never allowed to touch me again.
Speaker 1: And so for so many years I was so kind
Speaker 1: of traumatized by that one incident that I thought blow
Speaker 1: jobs equated degradation, like that was demoralizing and and that
Speaker 1: wasn't That wasn't a girl that respected herself. And now
Speaker 1: that I'm in love with somebody, I want to give
Speaker 1: blow jobs to him. I want to put his hand
Speaker 1: on the back of my head. I'm like, yes, yes,
Speaker 1: Like I've never felt more inclined to want to put
Speaker 1: someone's penis in my mouth than I do with somebody
Speaker 1: that I deeply, deeply love. And I get it now.
Speaker 1: I just paused to say, is this this is the
Speaker 1: same guy from summer. Yes, yes, Joe Coy is his name.
Speaker 1: He's my game, he's my lover. So psyched because I
Speaker 1: thought when we were having dinner in the summer, I
Speaker 1: was like this, really, this really sounds promising, like you
Speaker 1: were talking about it's on baby. Never heard you talk
Speaker 1: about a dude, So this is great. It's on baby,
Speaker 1: and you're going to meet him at some point and
Speaker 1: he cannot and he has given me because I because
Speaker 1: there is a deep love and a deep respect. There
Speaker 1: is an intimacy there that I have never experienced before.
Speaker 1: So when you talk about saying to somebody, hey, when
Speaker 1: they're rubbing the side of your labia instead of your
Speaker 1: clatorus and we just sit there and pretend that that's
Speaker 1: acceptable and fake and orgasm, I've come to a point
Speaker 1: in my life where I'm like, no, honey, move your
Speaker 1: hand over here. This is where this is and that
Speaker 1: level of intimacy where you can say to somebody, hey,
Speaker 1: this is what I like, this is what I want
Speaker 1: to try. Let's try. This is something that that is
Speaker 1: the definition of intimacy. I agree with you completely, and
Speaker 1: I just want to acknowledge that it is really a
Speaker 1: vulnerable conversation in a hard conversation for I think especially
Speaker 1: women to have and especially younger women especially. You know,
Speaker 1: it's like you look around in this generation and the
Speaker 1: messages they're being told about sex, and it's like they
Speaker 1: have to be fuckable, and you know, it's like I
Speaker 1: worry so much about the messages they're getting about who
Speaker 1: they're supposed to be sexually. So that's kind of like
Speaker 1: why I wanted to do the show so badly, because
Speaker 1: I thought it would be so nice to have some
Speaker 1: counter programming to all of that, you know, and to
Speaker 1: show what happens in an intimate relationship when there are
Speaker 1: when there are problems, when problems arise, and and the
Speaker 1: level of communication that's needed and bravery, you know, to
Speaker 1: counteract some of that. I just get very disturbed by
Speaker 1: by what I see and in the popular culture in
Speaker 1: terms of what what a girl is supposed to look
Speaker 1: like and therefore be like do you know what I mean? Yeah? Absolutely?
Speaker 1: And I think the new show you have coming out,
Speaker 1: which is on Netflix, I think it streams today, correct, Yes,
Speaker 1: it drops today, comes out. It drips it drip drops today.
Speaker 1: It's called sex Love and Goop. And this is an
Speaker 1: exploration of five couples that are seeking ways to be
Speaker 1: more intimate and have a stronger kind of sexual relationship,
Speaker 1: stronger intimacy, and a stronger understanding really of of what
Speaker 1: it means to be there for your partner and what
Speaker 1: it means to ask for what you want, which is
Speaker 1: what we're all about, because I think this applies to
Speaker 1: everything in a woman's life. Asking for what we want
Speaker 1: is sometimes the last thing we're able to do. And
Speaker 1: so if you can apply this, I think it always
Speaker 1: starts at home. If you can apply it to your relationship,
Speaker 1: you're able to apply it to the world, You're able
Speaker 1: to apply it to your career, and so on and
Speaker 1: so on. And Catherine, you were telling me that you
Speaker 1: guys were watching it with your husband. I watched it
Speaker 1: with my husband, and one thing I found so amazing
Speaker 1: was literally ten minutes in, like ten minutes in we
Speaker 1: were pausing a show. We were like talking about things
Speaker 1: that we we've never talked about, and not just about sex,
Speaker 1: but about relationships. And and I mean I learned I've
Speaker 1: been with him for sixteen years, and I learned stuff
Speaker 1: about him I never knew. So it was this wonderful
Speaker 1: experience to watch together and discover new things about each
Speaker 1: other other. It was really cool. I'm so happy about that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: do you want? Would you and Brad watch it together
Speaker 1: and discover new things about yourselves? Gwyneth, we haven't watched
Speaker 1: it together. He hasn't seen it yet. You know. It's
Speaker 1: like when you're editing a show and you're just in
Speaker 1: the computer with headphones on. But I'm looking forward to
Speaker 1: watching it with him. I want to say, like, your
Speaker 1: relationship with each other has been so inspiring to watch,
Speaker 1: because the two of you really had a really beautiful
Speaker 1: friendship that developed into a love ship and developed into
Speaker 1: a marriage. And for a long time, you guys didn't
Speaker 1: even live together. I'm still not even convinced you really
Speaker 1: do now because we do. But what do you think
Speaker 1: that added to your relationship by remaining independent but together. Well,
Speaker 1: it's interesting because the reason that we we got we
Speaker 1: were together for a long time and we never we
Speaker 1: didn't live together, and then we got married and we
Speaker 1: decided let's just wait another year before we move in.
Speaker 1: And the consciousness behind that was really like, let's just
Speaker 1: let the kids kind of settle into this energetic body
Speaker 1: of like a marriage and a family, and and I
Speaker 1: think for that year it was funny because in the
Speaker 1: years before it was nice to have that time. It's like, oh,
Speaker 1: tonight is like my night with Brad. I'm so excited,
Speaker 1: and now tonight he's with his kids, and oh my god.
Speaker 1: Fun I get to have a girl's dinner or I
Speaker 1: get to like drink wine in the bath and then
Speaker 1: dance around like a lunatic like and I was like,
Speaker 1: this is great, this is so fun because we get
Speaker 1: the best of both worlds. And then interestingly, if once
Speaker 1: we got married, I really really missed him and and
Speaker 1: it was like it felt like, gosh, I really wish
Speaker 1: we lived. It felt like we should be living under
Speaker 1: the same roof. And so by the time he moved in,
Speaker 1: it was really I had a lot of longing and
Speaker 1: I was so excited about it. Oh that's so sweet,
Speaker 1: and he's so sweet too. Yeah, yeah, I think that's
Speaker 1: And also dating is so much sexier, Like the longer
Speaker 1: you could prolong that experience with somebody, I think the
Speaker 1: sexterior relationship becomes you know. I I love to think
Speaker 1: of the idea. When people ask me if I'm gonna
Speaker 1: get married, I'm like, I would just like to be
Speaker 1: engaged for a really long time because I want to
Speaker 1: be with my boyfriend, not necessarily my husband. But that's
Speaker 1: those are my issues about what, you know, the construct
Speaker 1: of marriage and all that bullshit, which is irrelevant for this.
Speaker 1: But I will say, like if you kind of take
Speaker 1: the modern version of marriage out of it, or like
Speaker 1: the patriarchical version of marriage, and it's like and you
Speaker 1: kind of go back to some other thing of like
Speaker 1: a real commitment to someone, like something cool does happen.
Speaker 1: You'll see it's like this. It is like this entity
Speaker 1: that you guys create. It's this very cool thing. I mean,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm talking about. Because you've been married
Speaker 1: for sixteen years, right, Yeah, I think there is an
Speaker 1: energetic shift you don't expect with that. Like we got
Speaker 1: married very young, and years later when our friends started
Speaker 1: getting married, they were like, nothing's going to change. We've
Speaker 1: been living together. It's just a piece of paper. And
Speaker 1: every time there was a shift, and it was either
Speaker 1: for the better or for the worst, like some people
Speaker 1: thought about things that they had never fought about or
Speaker 1: just had different expectations of each other. But there is
Speaker 1: some shift that happens. Yeah, because you're teaming up and
Speaker 1: it's a partnership, you know, and a lot of people,
Speaker 1: I think also think that marriage is going to solve
Speaker 1: you know. Conversely, I think many people think marriage is
Speaker 1: going to solve a lot of the issues that they
Speaker 1: may have. So that's why this show is so well.
Speaker 1: It's always been timely, but timelier now I think because
Speaker 1: people are open more open to having these kind of deeper,
Speaker 1: intimate conversations about what they're feeling. I forget the couple's name,
Speaker 1: but the woman who talks about unclenching in one of
Speaker 1: the episodes, and I was like, oh my god, unclenching.
Speaker 1: I'm like, do I do that? And I think I might,
Speaker 1: And how she said, I realize I've been clenched for
Speaker 1: so long and just had this incredible emotional experience through
Speaker 1: that she she and her partner, and there was Erica
Speaker 1: and Damon, I believe, and I mean they both had
Speaker 1: these basically like touching the face of God experiences. I
Speaker 1: feel like the energetic orgasm that Damon had, and and
Speaker 1: her experience with unclenching and letting herself be freer, and
Speaker 1: and the body shame that went with some of the
Speaker 1: assumptions that she made about her body because of what
Speaker 1: partners had said in the past. And I mean, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's something that I think all women can relate to.
Speaker 1: You know, I had a boyfriend who told me my
Speaker 1: boobs were too big, and then I went on a
Speaker 1: topless rampage for six years after we broke up to
Speaker 1: prove to myself that my boobs were just perfect and
Speaker 1: they were for me. But he had given me a
Speaker 1: complex about it for so long at that I was like,
Speaker 1: by the time I got away from him, on like freedom,
Speaker 1: You know, I should embrace these boobs. They're mine, They're natural,
Speaker 1: they're big and bountiful, and I should love them. So yeah,
Speaker 1: I think a lot of people shame us into thinking
Speaker 1: about our bodies. I know, Gwyneth, you and I have
Speaker 1: had this conversation about past boyfriends making comments about parts
Speaker 1: of our bodies and carrying it with you for so long,
Speaker 1: and what that does to our self esteem and self worth. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: and if you take that, which is I think the
Speaker 1: most painful, because you know, you're at your most vulnerable
Speaker 1: when you're in an intimate relationship with somebody, and if
Speaker 1: they take that opportunity to hurt you even if they're joking,
Speaker 1: it cuts so deep in that context. And yeah, it's funny,
Speaker 1: Like I've had stuff that stayed with me for a
Speaker 1: really long time, like you little comments here and there,
Speaker 1: and that's what I loved. Someone there's one expert in
Speaker 1: the show named Amina, and she does this exercise with
Speaker 1: this woman where she disrobes and she kind of just
Speaker 1: like looks at her body naked, and it's this exercise
Speaker 1: and acceptance. I thought it was really powerful because I
Speaker 1: was like, oh my god, you know the way that
Speaker 1: we look at our bodies through this insane under a
Speaker 1: microscopic lens of everything that's wrong, and I was like,
Speaker 1: we have got to stop doing that. It's so I
Speaker 1: think it hurts us in so many ways, you know.
Speaker 1: I think it it affects how you can report yourself
Speaker 1: in the world, how you relate to herself sexually. It's
Speaker 1: like and then you know, you take something like that,
Speaker 1: and then you take social media and how we're all
Speaker 1: supposed to look and it's like, by the end of
Speaker 1: the day, how can you feel good about yourself? Right?
Speaker 1: I said this gun last week's podcast, but I was
Speaker 1: talking about Joe my my lover, and I was saying
Speaker 1: how I was. I was in my Orka and I
Speaker 1: was looking at my arms like, go oh, honey, I
Speaker 1: think I have like cellulate on my arm. Now what
Speaker 1: is going on? And he said, honey, cellulate is the
Speaker 1: sexiest thing in the world. That's what makes a woman
Speaker 1: a woman. And I'm like, oh my god, I have
Speaker 1: to write that fucking down. I mean, every woman needs
Speaker 1: to hear that. That is what makes a woman a woman.
Speaker 1: On that note, yeah, thank you. On that note, Let's
Speaker 1: take some callers Gwyne's So what people are gonna call
Speaker 1: in ask us some questions. We're going to give our
Speaker 1: best advice to them and help them. This is the best.
Speaker 1: It's such a fun podcast. I love it well. Our
Speaker 1: first question comes from mel in Vancouver. She's thirty four.
Speaker 1: She says, Dear Chelsea, I've been dating a tall, dark
Speaker 1: and handsome attawel I in Man for almost two years.
Speaker 1: He's forty nine and I'm thirty four. Everything about him
Speaker 1: is great except one giant problem. I feel like he's
Speaker 1: the child I never wanted. He doesn't do anything for himself.
Speaker 1: If I wasn't in his life, he would never do
Speaker 1: laundry or cook a meal and because of this, our
Speaker 1: sex life is non existent. In the beginning, it was okay,
Speaker 1: and now nothing. He's financially stable, has two great kids,
Speaker 1: and wants all the same things I want out of life.
Speaker 1: But if he can't start taking care of me in
Speaker 1: the ways I need sexually and emotionally, I think I
Speaker 1: need to leave. I would say I would agree with that.
Speaker 1: You're not his housekeeper. I mean that isn't fun or hot,
Speaker 1: so so I mean you that's going to take care
Speaker 1: of itself anyway, because as long as somebody's not turning
Speaker 1: you on or looking after you in a way that
Speaker 1: makes you feel cared for, you're gonna lose your boner
Speaker 1: for that relationship, right. And I felt like this question
Speaker 1: was so similar to Rama and felicitas who are in
Speaker 1: sex love and Goup, where he was blindsided when she
Speaker 1: all of a sudden was like, you know what, I
Speaker 1: think I want a divorce and he didn't know anything
Speaker 1: was wrong, but they had this dynamic where he was
Speaker 1: childlike and she would sort of condescend to him, but
Speaker 1: he needed so much from her. It was just very uneven. Yeah, yeah, no,
Speaker 1: reciproc I would say, she's not she's not married. And
Speaker 1: they don't have kids. It's like the old adage when
Speaker 1: someone shows you who they are, believe them. It's like
Speaker 1: he's not going to all of a sudden one day
Speaker 1: start taking care of himself and her And right, I mean,
Speaker 1: I don't. I think it's unless I don't know if
Speaker 1: they've exhausted all possibilities and if they've had therapy and
Speaker 1: stuff like that. But that sounds like he needs to
Speaker 1: to resolve some things, needs to resolve some things. And yeah,
Speaker 1: obviously you want to explore the idea of talking to
Speaker 1: a professional who can help him understand that that's not
Speaker 1: a contributing factor to a great sex life or to
Speaker 1: a long term relationship because you're playing a motherly role
Speaker 1: and while that's fine in moments, it's not fine as
Speaker 1: your entire a relationship. That's not your role. If you
Speaker 1: haven't gone to therapy, please try that first so that
Speaker 1: he can become a little bit more self aware, because
Speaker 1: maybe he just doesn't understand and the only relationships he's
Speaker 1: been in were with his mother and then possibly a
Speaker 1: wife who did that for him. So you have to
Speaker 1: make it clear that this situation is something that you're
Speaker 1: not going to be on board with and then you know,
Speaker 1: everyone is capable of change at a certain point in
Speaker 1: their lives, and love will do that to you. It
Speaker 1: will make you want to change. So I wouldn't say
Speaker 1: that there's no hope for him. I would just say
Speaker 1: make sure that you find out quickly whether there is
Speaker 1: or not. Chelsea's more optimistic than I when it seems
Speaker 1: down about that. Sorry, yeah, sorry, color anyway, good luck
Speaker 1: and report back. Let us know what happens. Yes, yes, please.
Speaker 1: Our next question comes from Rose. She is a pharmacist.
Speaker 1: I'm a Pharmacist's funny. I'm actually a pharmacological into it,
Speaker 1: so that's that's different. Now. She was potentially going to
Speaker 1: come and call in and talk to us, but her
Speaker 1: almost husband decided that he did not want her to
Speaker 1: do that. I actually asked him to join as well,
Speaker 1: because I thought this would be a really beneficial conversation
Speaker 1: to have with the two of them. But here's her issue.
Speaker 1: Dear Chelsea, my husband. They're getting married this week. Actually,
Speaker 1: my husband has always played lots of video games, but
Speaker 1: he's turning thirty this year, and I think it's time
Speaker 1: he shifted his priorities. He's been in dead end jobs
Speaker 1: for the last ten years and keep saying he'll go
Speaker 1: back to school or learn new skills. I have a
Speaker 1: doctorate degree in a stable job. However, when it comes
Speaker 1: to taking action, he devotes almost eight to ten hours
Speaker 1: a day to playing video games. I feel guilty making
Speaker 1: him spend time with me, and even when we spend
Speaker 1: time together, he's on his phone chatting or reading about
Speaker 1: video games. How do I get him to focus on
Speaker 1: our future? More? Rows Gwyneth, Why don't you take the
Speaker 1: lead on this? I mean, I think that he's using
Speaker 1: video games as as an excuse to avoid life and
Speaker 1: looking it himself, and intimacy and and just about everything
Speaker 1: Like this is a real red flag. I mean I
Speaker 1: would somebody who is disengaging to this point and not
Speaker 1: meeting their partner's needs to this point, and choosing not
Speaker 1: to be in a partnership over a video game. I
Speaker 1: I personally think like if they're about to get married,
Speaker 1: I would crash in an emergency therapy session. Yeah. I
Speaker 1: would also like to say that not only is that
Speaker 1: this is several red flags. Eight to nine hours a
Speaker 1: day playing video games, It's an unacceptable way to spend
Speaker 1: your and where does he work? Like I don't understand
Speaker 1: who has time to play eight to nine hours of
Speaker 1: video games. I spoke with him. He's kind of like
Speaker 1: a like a gig worker type of thing. Okay, well
Speaker 1: that's great, but he has to develop some other interests
Speaker 1: that involve his potential wife. And if they're getting married
Speaker 1: this weekend, I mean, this is this is sad because no,
Speaker 1: I don't think she should be getting married to somebody
Speaker 1: this weekend who she feels guilty to ask to. She
Speaker 1: feels guilty when she asked him to spend time with her.
Speaker 1: Is heartbreaking. You should never feel that way about your partner,
Speaker 1: and certainly not over video games. But there's an addiction here, right,
Speaker 1: This is not just like I'm playing video games he is.
Speaker 1: There's an addiction issue for sure, and people use addictive
Speaker 1: behavior as a way to enops the ties bad or
Speaker 1: sad or hard feelings. Like he needs to go and
Speaker 1: look at what he's trying to avoid feeling. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: he's probably not going to be very open to that
Speaker 1: conversation in his current state. So I mean, I would
Speaker 1: hate to say something as dramatic as postponing the marriage,
Speaker 1: but I mean, in my my instinct tells me that
Speaker 1: that's exactly what you should do, because it sounds like
Speaker 1: you're going to be making a grave mistake without holding
Speaker 1: his feet to the fire before you marry him, and
Speaker 1: allowing this behavior and moving into a marriage while he's
Speaker 1: doing this is sanctioning that behavior and letting him think
Speaker 1: that that's okay. So what is her name? Rose? Was?
Speaker 1: I really I'm sorry that you're dealing with this and
Speaker 1: going through this, but I just want to tell you
Speaker 1: it's not acceptable as a woman to another woman. This
Speaker 1: is not acceptable and you deserve a lot more. And
Speaker 1: when you hold hired standards, somebody will meet you there.
Speaker 1: My parents always said that quality time comes with a
Speaker 1: quantity of time, So you don't get that quality time
Speaker 1: just by like picking a time for quality time. It
Speaker 1: happens when you have a longer period of time with
Speaker 1: someone and you get those special moments. And this just
Speaker 1: leaves me thinking, how do they have any level of
Speaker 1: intimacy when there's really no time in his life for her? Like,
Speaker 1: how do you keep an intimate relationship with that emotionally
Speaker 1: or sexually at all. Yeah, it's funny that you say that,
Speaker 1: because I was I was talking to my friend about
Speaker 1: you know, ex husbands and divorced dads, and how they
Speaker 1: come in hot, you know, on the weekend, and they
Speaker 1: want to make that time count, and it's like, you
Speaker 1: can't just do that. It doesn't work that way. You
Speaker 1: can't pop in and out like a pop up. It
Speaker 1: has to be prolonged periods of time lead to those
Speaker 1: special special exactly what you said, and you said it beautifully,
Speaker 1: so I'll try not to butcher it any further. Fuck Well,
Speaker 1: our next question, we do have a caller. This is Teresa.
Speaker 1: Teresa says, Dear Chelsea, I'm twenty six and in my
Speaker 1: first real relationship. My boyfriend treats me right. He's so kind,
Speaker 1: funny and thoughtful, respectful and smart. I could really see
Speaker 1: him being the one. The only issue is, for the
Speaker 1: past three months, nearly every time we try to have sex,
Speaker 1: he goes soft right before we can actually have sex.
Speaker 1: I will say, he's extremely talented in other arenas, so
Speaker 1: much so that it hasn't really bothered me that we
Speaker 1: haven't fully had sex, But he gets super worked up
Speaker 1: and in his head about it, which just makes things worse.
Speaker 1: He lost a ton of weight during quarantine, and his
Speaker 1: body image issues are definitely contributing to the whole thing.
Speaker 1: I just don't know how to help without embarrassing him
Speaker 1: or making things worse. What do I do? Teresa? Hi, Teresa, Hi,
Speaker 1: so nice to meet you. Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1: Hi Teresa, Hi, great to meet you. Nice to meet
Speaker 1: you too. This might be obvious, but has he tried
Speaker 1: by agra or something like that? So he hasn't, And
Speaker 1: I'm trying to figure out the best way to kind
Speaker 1: of bring it up without it damaging his self esteem
Speaker 1: more because I know it's a very like tricky topic,
Speaker 1: especially for guys. So I'm trying to figure out kind
Speaker 1: of like the best way to have that conversation, and
Speaker 1: he would be open to it, I think. I mean,
Speaker 1: if he's feeling terrible about not being able to it
Speaker 1: feels to me like it's a pretty easy conversation to
Speaker 1: have from that place, right, like, Hey, this is happening,
Speaker 1: I can see how upset you are. Why don't we
Speaker 1: give this a try? Like what's the worst it can happen? Yeah,
Speaker 1: And I've mentioned that I'm open to it and like
Speaker 1: open to whatever he wants to try. I think he
Speaker 1: just needs like the push to do it. Even though
Speaker 1: I've encouraged him to. So I don't know, does you
Speaker 1: have any trauma in his past? Like, does he has?
Speaker 1: He explored it all. This might be happening. He's mentioned
Speaker 1: just kind of general self esteem issues. So I think
Speaker 1: it's like since the first time when it didn't happen,
Speaker 1: like he kept getting in his head about it and
Speaker 1: then it just got worse and worse. Oh, he needs
Speaker 1: to break the cycle. He needs to pop a viagra,
Speaker 1: right right, guys, Yeah, you know this happens to so
Speaker 1: many people, by the way, just so you know, and
Speaker 1: just so he knows. And I know you're protecting his
Speaker 1: ego and you want to be careful with him, but
Speaker 1: you're a team, right, You're on his side, so it
Speaker 1: doesn't have to be emasculating and it doesn't have to
Speaker 1: take his manhood away to be like, Okay, listen, we
Speaker 1: have a slight issue. Let's figure it out. Everything is workable.
Speaker 1: You obviously love him, he loves you. And I once
Speaker 1: got this shaky leg syndrome right where all of a sudden,
Speaker 1: my legs started shaking when I was on stage and
Speaker 1: that had never happened to me. And I make a
Speaker 1: living by standing on stage and talking so that was
Speaker 1: a real problem for me, and I started taking beta
Speaker 1: blockers and they said, okay, take them for three weeks
Speaker 1: and then you'll just change the neuropathway is the neural
Speaker 1: pathways in your brain, and you remember not to send
Speaker 1: that signal to your brain that you're nervous and that
Speaker 1: your leg is shaking, and that's how it's presenting itself.
Speaker 1: And once I cut that out, like, I've never had
Speaker 1: that problem again. This sounds analogous to that. Obviously it's
Speaker 1: a separate issue, but it sounds kind of in the
Speaker 1: same ballpark. There's probably plentiful antidotes to this situation, whether
Speaker 1: it's viagra, whether it's therapy, whether it's him, you know,
Speaker 1: getting more comfortable with his body. I think the first
Speaker 1: and foremost, you just have to remind him in this
Speaker 1: conversation that there's nothing to be embarrassed about when it's
Speaker 1: concerning the two of you. You are a team. You
Speaker 1: love him, and you're gonna be with him, whether or
Speaker 1: not he could ever have sex again exactly. Yeah, it
Speaker 1: doesn't matter. If he's so great in other areas and
Speaker 1: then it really doesn't matter. But he'll get past this
Speaker 1: and he just has to be willing to kind of
Speaker 1: face it, because before you can get past anything, you
Speaker 1: have to face something. Yeah. I think he also doesn't
Speaker 1: realize how common it is. I feel like guys that
Speaker 1: probably don't talk about it, like the same white girls
Speaker 1: talk about things, Yeah, because why would they. Why would
Speaker 1: a guy be like, hey, I lost my direction to
Speaker 1: last night. Can you believe like that's not something to
Speaker 1: brag about? You know, they're not on the SmartLess podcast
Speaker 1: with Will Arnett saying I got soft last night. No
Speaker 1: one is bragging about that. So you have to be
Speaker 1: sensitive to why men are, you know, are the way
Speaker 1: they are, and they are so insecure about stuff. They
Speaker 1: don't talk to each other about that stuff ever ever,
Speaker 1: So I think it's just being more of a ballast
Speaker 1: of support. It's always just showing people that you're there
Speaker 1: for them when they're in their most insecure phases, which
Speaker 1: is what he's going through with his weight loss. That
Speaker 1: shifts you know, your bio rhythm, your biology, all of
Speaker 1: that stuff is affected. So I wouldn't even think about
Speaker 1: this as a serious issue, and I wouldn't treat it
Speaker 1: as a serious issue. You know, it's just something you
Speaker 1: guys are gonna deal with together and figure out a
Speaker 1: way through. Yeah, I agree, and that's how I've kind
Speaker 1: of been treating it too. I think for him, he
Speaker 1: was worried about losing me over it, even though I've
Speaker 1: assured him a million times that, like, he's amazing and
Speaker 1: I love him and I wouldn't change anything else about him.
Speaker 1: So I'm very happy. That's really sweet. And you know,
Speaker 1: we all have our things that make us holly imperfect, right,
Speaker 1: It's like we're all human beings, we all have problems,
Speaker 1: we all have stuff, and it's like if he's an
Speaker 1: amazing human being and this is the thing, and you
Speaker 1: feel like you can get past it. And by the way,
Speaker 1: as Chelsea said, there is totally hope. That's amazing that
Speaker 1: you're able to prioritize who he is as a person
Speaker 1: over everything else. And he's good at other things. So
Speaker 1: I'm having a good time. Yeah, we got it, you
Speaker 1: like when he goes down on you, we got it
Speaker 1: loud ready, we got it, And we're happy for you.
Speaker 1: And he's lucky to have you. Yes, well, thank you,
Speaker 1: and Docoy is lucky to have you. I'm very happy
Speaker 1: for you, Chelsea. Thanks Teresa, thank you so much. It's
Speaker 1: so nice. Thank you, thank you. Oh she's so cute. Yeah.
Speaker 1: This brings me back to like Darshana and Camille, who
Speaker 1: were a nice lesbian cup ball on sex, Love and Goop.
Speaker 1: And what I thought was so interesting is that one
Speaker 1: of them had issues with penetration, which you know, is
Speaker 1: so similar to this situation. But it came back to
Speaker 1: that religious trauma that she had gone through, and the
Speaker 1: relaxation exercises they did, the like hands on sexual therapy
Speaker 1: that they did, really helped. But I mean it truly
Speaker 1: for her was it was all in her head and
Speaker 1: getting past that really opened up so many new avenues
Speaker 1: for them. And I think that's an important salient point
Speaker 1: to drive home for this series for Gwyneth, because it
Speaker 1: is we all, especially as women, are so in our
Speaker 1: heads about how, you know, think about hooking up with
Speaker 1: somebody for the first time or getting to know somebody
Speaker 1: and thinking about the way that you present your body
Speaker 1: or the positions you put yourself into be more flattering,
Speaker 1: or you know, looking a certain way, or you know,
Speaker 1: we all look a little bit ugly at times when
Speaker 1: we're having sex. We look a little silly, we look
Speaker 1: a little ridiculous, and instead of is showing that it's
Speaker 1: better to lean in and embrace it and understand that
Speaker 1: we are human beings. That we are going to look
Speaker 1: silly with our legs behind our ears, you know, you know,
Speaker 1: but we are going to be in positions that are vulnerable,
Speaker 1: that make us feel like, you know, oh my god,
Speaker 1: where is he going to see my bellule? Fat? Is
Speaker 1: he gonna see my cellulite? And as woman, the more
Speaker 1: you embrace that, the more that you lean into it,
Speaker 1: the more sexualized you become, and the more sexy sex becomes. Yep,
Speaker 1: did you just climax? It sounded like I mean, it
Speaker 1: really makes me think of again my relationship with my
Speaker 1: husband because, to put it quickly, he and I have
Speaker 1: very different taste in women, and it took me a
Speaker 1: long time to realize that, you know, I'm a curvy girl.
Speaker 1: He doesn't like me despite my body type. He actually
Speaker 1: likes me because of my body type. And honestly, Instagram
Speaker 1: really helped with that, following a lot of gorgeous women
Speaker 1: who look a lot like me and being like, wait,
Speaker 1: if she looks great in that bikini dress? Whatever. It
Speaker 1: took a while, but I had to sort of recondition
Speaker 1: my brain to finally realize, like, well, that's actually what
Speaker 1: turns him on, that's what he's looking for in a partner.
Speaker 1: And well, I know, Esther, you've said this to me before,
Speaker 1: that Brad always likes you like eight pounds up. Because
Speaker 1: Esther always thinks she's eight pounds up or seven, it's
Speaker 1: seven or eight. She's always like, I'm eight pounds heavier
Speaker 1: than i'd like to be. And I'm always three pounds
Speaker 1: heavier than I like to be. And my guy Joe
Speaker 1: is always like, I like put more weight on. He's like,
Speaker 1: I like a little extra meat on you. And I
Speaker 1: know Brad likes I'm Gwinnett too, He's like, I like that,
Speaker 1: you know, bulk up. That seems to be a theme
Speaker 1: here because my doesnt. So. I think what we think.
Speaker 1: You know, we're always presenting ourselves almost for other women,
Speaker 1: not for our men, because if if they had their druthers,
Speaker 1: we would all be a little beefier. They want something
Speaker 1: to hold onto, They like a little junk in our trunk,
Speaker 1: wouldn't you agree, Esther? I think that's absolutely right. I
Speaker 1: think that we as women look in the mirror like
Speaker 1: we have I don't know how we arrived at this
Speaker 1: ridiculous idea or number or whatever. But we're like, oh,
Speaker 1: I like myself at X weight. And as you were saying,
Speaker 1: like we need to, I think just expand you know,
Speaker 1: instead of looking at at things through a punitive lens,
Speaker 1: like I'm not where I want to be, I don't
Speaker 1: look my best. It's like, what if we just like
Speaker 1: relax a little bit and open the spectrum of like
Speaker 1: what was beautiful for us? And because I do think
Speaker 1: a lot of a lot of men, you know, like us.
Speaker 1: However we come that day, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: They're far more accepting of us than we are of
Speaker 1: our own bodies, I know. And and it's funny that
Speaker 1: we hold you know, there is a new new movement
Speaker 1: that's been happening for the last couple of years with
Speaker 1: people like Ashley Graham who are so body positive and
Speaker 1: who is a professional model who's showing all of the
Speaker 1: flaws that we have on our body and showing the
Speaker 1: b uty of cellulite, of pregnancy, of all of you know,
Speaker 1: the gorgeousness that is involved in that. And I think
Speaker 1: there's a new phase of body consciousness that people understand.
Speaker 1: You know, every type is sexy, and it sounds it
Speaker 1: can sound like a bunch of horseship, But it's like
Speaker 1: when you really talk to people who are living in
Speaker 1: their bodies, and I know you you are always living
Speaker 1: in your body because you're always doing something to help yourself.
Speaker 1: Are you still not? I saw got this summer and
Speaker 1: she hadn't had a drink in like seven months, and
Speaker 1: that may be sad. I just oh, by the way, Ester,
Speaker 1: I just finished a thirty day alcohol cleans. Can you
Speaker 1: dig it? She fs She's about to finish a three
Speaker 1: hundred and sixty five day alcohol less Oh my god,
Speaker 1: it's been Yeah, it's been a long year of no
Speaker 1: barely any alcohol. I mean I've had a sip here
Speaker 1: and there, but very well. But how is that affecting you?
Speaker 1: Are you happy about that? Do you feel great? Or
Speaker 1: do you feel you know me? I love a drink
Speaker 1: and I love the ritual of it, and I love
Speaker 1: to sit down and have one and chat. And I
Speaker 1: love the taste of alcohol, like I'm I love whiskey
Speaker 1: and wine and whatever vodka like I'll take it all.
Speaker 1: But I think what happened was it was it was
Speaker 1: just you know, having gotten COVID and having felt like Ship,
Speaker 1: but like having had long COVID stuff for a while,
Speaker 1: and I just wasn't I just didn't feel vibrant. I
Speaker 1: didn't feel good, and I had really high inflammation levels.
Speaker 1: And the doctor was like, look, you really need to
Speaker 1: clean up your act, like you gotta at least for
Speaker 1: three months, no alcohol, no grains, no sugar, you know,
Speaker 1: nothing processed, everything like that, and so I kind of
Speaker 1: begrudgingly did it, and then I just started to feel
Speaker 1: so good. And I don't know, I'm not going to
Speaker 1: do it forever. But I think has been about like
Speaker 1: me trying to value my health and wellness a little
Speaker 1: bit more, because especially during COVID, I was just like
Speaker 1: eating whatever, drinking you know, seven nights a week. And
Speaker 1: it's been really interesting and I like, I sleep so
Speaker 1: much better with no alcohol. It's wild, like I have
Speaker 1: this orr ring and it tracks like your heart rate
Speaker 1: and how will you sleep? And it's like if I
Speaker 1: have two SIPs of wine, like on Saturday night with
Speaker 1: someone's birthday and I toasted and I had two SIPs
Speaker 1: of wine and like I slept like ship. So I
Speaker 1: don't know, we'll see, Yeah, I know, that's what I thought.
Speaker 1: I was like, Oh, I'm gonna do thirty days of
Speaker 1: no alcohol, and I was like, oh no, what if
Speaker 1: I become one of those sober people because people always
Speaker 1: go I did thirty days and I felt so good,
Speaker 1: so I did it sixties. So I made sure a
Speaker 1: day thirty. I'm like, get me an apriall spirits right stack,
Speaker 1: because I don't want to be sober, but thank God
Speaker 1: because you not drinking. It's like, I don't even know
Speaker 1: what that means. Our last question comes from Sydney, and
Speaker 1: this ties right into some of the things you have
Speaker 1: going on at group right now, Gwyneth Dear Chelsea. I'm
Speaker 1: twenty four years old and I haven't had sex in
Speaker 1: three years. I'd be totally fine with that if I
Speaker 1: knew how to masturbate, but I don't, nor have I
Speaker 1: ever had an orgasm. My parents were open and encouraging
Speaker 1: when it came to our sexuality, but for some reason,
Speaker 1: I've never been able to overcome the mental hurdles. I
Speaker 1: would try the casual hook up, but I'm terrible at dating,
Speaker 1: and my last sexual encounter was a bit traumatic and
Speaker 1: has taken me a lot of time to process. At
Speaker 1: this point, the most stimulation I get is from that
Speaker 1: cheesy show Sex Life. What do I do? Thank you? Sydney?
Speaker 1: What do you think esther? First of all, I think
Speaker 1: there's a lot of pressure around orgasm and dating, and Gio,
Speaker 1: who is one of the experts on the show, kind
Speaker 1: of talks about a spectrum of orgasms and a spectrum
Speaker 1: of pleasure and that sometimes you know, we have this
Speaker 1: in our mind. It's like this high stake situation and
Speaker 1: are we going to be able to orgasm or not?
Speaker 1: And I think if Sydney starts to just explore what
Speaker 1: feels good to her, you know, it doesn't have to
Speaker 1: be straight to the genitals. It's like, what is she like?
Speaker 1: What feels good like? You know? She I think she
Speaker 1: should try to understand her body. And he's totally accepting
Speaker 1: of what feels right to her and what turns her on.
Speaker 1: You know, think of the things that turn you on.
Speaker 1: For a total beginner like that, would you recommend a
Speaker 1: like a toy like a vibrator or just kind of
Speaker 1: experimenting on her own. I think that a vibrator can't hurt,
Speaker 1: because it's good to just explore what you know, what
Speaker 1: your options are, and see what's out there. I mean,
Speaker 1: vibrators are popular for a reason. You know, a lot
Speaker 1: of women get a lot of pleasure from that. People
Speaker 1: have very sensitive nipples, people have very sensitive backs of
Speaker 1: their neck, people have, you know, sensitive areas. You kind
Speaker 1: of have to find out what your zone is, you know,
Speaker 1: where you feel like you're being turned on. What do
Speaker 1: you see that turns you on? Is it a man,
Speaker 1: is it a woman? Is it gay porn? Is it
Speaker 1: straight porn? Like is it porn? Is it a love story? Like?
Speaker 1: You just have to find out where, like you know,
Speaker 1: your orogenous zones are a and what kind of makes
Speaker 1: you get those feelings is a good place to start.
Speaker 1: And she did mention that she had trauma in her past,
Speaker 1: and that is obviously something that needs to be explored
Speaker 1: and then extinguished for her to feel free enough sexually,
Speaker 1: to relax enough to find out what does give her pleasure,
Speaker 1: because there is a relaxing component that you need to have.
Speaker 1: It's like when you hook up with somebody in the beginning.
Speaker 1: I know for myself it was very hard to have
Speaker 1: sex with people I didn't have relationships with and allow
Speaker 1: and and and and come to orgasm like I wouldn't
Speaker 1: feel comfortable enough. I could have sex with them, but
Speaker 1: I wasn't going to relax enough and show them the way.
Speaker 1: And this is what I like, and I want you
Speaker 1: to do this to my boob or we know whatever.
Speaker 1: Like I don't feel comfortable. I didn't feel comfortable enough
Speaker 1: with somebody to do that. So you do have to
Speaker 1: relax and have an understanding of your own body and
Speaker 1: a comfort level. And if there is trauma that's unresolved,
Speaker 1: then that is going to contribute to that kind of stall.
Speaker 1: I agree with that. And after that, I think we
Speaker 1: can all go finger blast ourselves. Yeah, I mean that's
Speaker 1: the takeaway. Problem solved, as usual, problem solved. You've come
Speaker 1: to the best. I'm happy to send Sydney. Let's do that. Please,
Speaker 1: Let's send her. Let's make sure we record that. Let's
Speaker 1: send her, send her exactly. That's perfect. Gwyneth to the
Speaker 1: rescue as usual, Yes, usual, lament. I think we actually
Speaker 1: should take a quick break. Oh, okay, we'll go to
Speaker 1: some ads. So one thing we've been doing recently is
Speaker 1: our guests are actually asking Chelsea for advice. So, Gwyneth,
Speaker 1: is there anything that you'd like to ask Chelsea? Yes,
Speaker 1: this is my favorite part of the show, so I
Speaker 1: need you to take it very seriously. Esther, I would
Speaker 1: love to ask, what are the practices that you put
Speaker 1: in place to finally get over the hurdle of your
Speaker 1: intimacy stuff and really accept Joe wholeheartedly and deeply into
Speaker 1: your heart. Well, I spent a lot of time in therapy,
Speaker 1: like two years, and then I did it full attle
Speaker 1: because I didn't want to do it long term. I
Speaker 1: wanted to do it and get to the root of
Speaker 1: the matter, and of course I'll go back when issues arise,
Speaker 1: but I didn't want it to be a long term thing.
Speaker 1: And I remember somebody saying, you know, when you get healthy,
Speaker 1: you attract a healthy and I always thought, okay, what
Speaker 1: do I have to do to get healthy? And the
Speaker 1: first thing was really digging deep into, you know, discovering
Speaker 1: yourself and what your what your issues are, why you
Speaker 1: behave the way you do, why I had so many
Speaker 1: guardrails up and once you unpack that. If somebody had said, Okay,
Speaker 1: in six years you're gonna meet the love of your life,
Speaker 1: I would be like, Okay, just blow my brains out.
Speaker 1: That's too long, you know. If somebody had set but
Speaker 1: that's really how long it took, because it's the practice
Speaker 1: of going to therapy. Then it's the practice of taking
Speaker 1: what you learned in therapy and absorbing it and then
Speaker 1: applying it to your life, which is a daily practice.
Speaker 1: And I now I'm just a much healthier, emotionally healthier person.
Speaker 1: I meditate every morning I used I meditate on my
Speaker 1: grounding Matt every morning. I am a positive light instead
Speaker 1: of I don't like if anyone is negative, or anyone
Speaker 1: is bitching or gossiping. I no longer have any frequency
Speaker 1: for that. I just immediately am turned off by that,
Speaker 1: and I walk in the other direction, and my habits
Speaker 1: have changed. And when you are light and love, then
Speaker 1: it just bounces right back at you. And for me
Speaker 1: to see his light and love, which was around me
Speaker 1: for fifteen years in my face, I did not see it,
Speaker 1: and it was sitting right in front of me, and
Speaker 1: he wouldn't have it. And I go, I can't believe
Speaker 1: we've wasted fifteen years. He goes, Honey, we didn't waste
Speaker 1: fifteen years. He goes, this is the best it's ever
Speaker 1: gonna be. The timing is perfect. I could have been
Speaker 1: five more years, and I would have been happy to
Speaker 1: have you then, like, so I just I mean, I
Speaker 1: can't say it enough. Like when you do the work
Speaker 1: to make yourself the best version of yourself, which is
Speaker 1: an ongoing process as we all know, it attracts the best,
Speaker 1: and then you're able to see with a clearer lens
Speaker 1: all of the people, all of the things that you
Speaker 1: were missing, like how green the trees are, you know,
Speaker 1: and how beautiful it is to walk on the beach,
Speaker 1: and all of the little things that I thought we're
Speaker 1: corny to think about or mentioned are beautiful to me now,
Speaker 1: you know. I look at the moon, I stare at it.
Speaker 1: I'm like, that is magnificent, you know. I look at
Speaker 1: the trees, I'm like, look at nature, Like everything is beautiful.
Speaker 1: So yeah, I feel very healed. Not like I'm fully
Speaker 1: cooked or done, but I feel like I'm in the
Speaker 1: process of healing. And being in love is the most
Speaker 1: healing thing I could have ever asked for. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm crying. I'm so happy for you. Thanks honey,
Speaker 1: Thanks Esther. I'm so happy for you too. You have
Speaker 1: that kind of love too. We've been praying for this
Speaker 1: for you for a long time. So I can't believe
Speaker 1: how beautiful that was. You're so sweet to be crying,
Speaker 1: Esther's crying everyone, and you're moving me. I love you.
Speaker 1: I love you, honey. I love you so much. And
Speaker 1: I'll be your neighbor in about a year once I'm
Speaker 1: done renovating my house. I can't wait to get you
Speaker 1: in the neighborhood. Exciting times, honey. Ladies, this was so wonderful.
Speaker 1: Thank you for having me. I really appreciate it. And
Speaker 1: every one can tune into sex love and Goop It's
Speaker 1: dreams today Netflix, watch it, watch it. You're gonna have
Speaker 1: four sex with your partners. Everybody is going to be healed.
Speaker 1: Thank you, Oh my god, thank you so much. By Okay,
Speaker 1: bye guys. Thanks Civilian, thank you, thank you. By