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Speaker 1: We're back. I'm Drew mcarry and I'm David Roth and

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Speaker 1: coming in September a new site we have built together

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Speaker 1: called defect or Defector, and we're gonna have a new

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Speaker 1: podcast to go with it, this very podcast which has

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Speaker 1: the name The Distraction. It's out right now, avail ever.

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Speaker 1: Rescue your podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple, Go listen right

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Speaker 1: now to The Distraction everywhere. It's out right now. Go

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Speaker 1: listen to see by your dead ass baby. The vows

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Speaker 1: be hard to live by every day, but yours will

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Speaker 1: pop though. It was not a dry eye in the house,

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Speaker 1: and I think I need to redo all my I dudes,

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Speaker 1: what I need to redo as dead as baby. Hey,

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Speaker 1: I'm Cadine and we're the Ellis. You may know us

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Speaker 1: were posting funny videos without boys and reading each other

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Speaker 1: publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'm making me

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Speaker 1: derby most days. And one more important thing to mention,

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Speaker 1: we're married, Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast

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Speaker 1: to open dialogue about some of the live's most taboo

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Speaker 1: topics most folks don't want to talk about through the

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Speaker 1: lens of a millennium married couple. Dead ass is a

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Speaker 1: term that we say every day where we say dead ass,

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Speaker 1: we're actually saying facts one, the truth, the whole truth,

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Speaker 1: and nothing but the truth. We're about to take pillows

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Speaker 1: off to a whole new levels. Starts now. So July three,

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Speaker 1: two thousand and ten, I was sitting in my room

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Speaker 1: and I was like, I gotta commit to forever for

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Speaker 1: this woman. So I was like, you know what, I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna just go up there and do what I do.

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna just wing it. I'm gonna go up there

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Speaker 1: that day, just wing it when it came time for vows,

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Speaker 1: and then I called my brother right, and my brother

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Speaker 1: I was like, yo, b I'm good, Like I could talk,

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Speaker 1: I talk, I can go up there and just winging

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Speaker 1: my vows right, And he was like, no, that's a

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Speaker 1: long ass tom Be. I was like, yeah it is.

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Speaker 1: It is a long time. So he said, you think

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Speaker 1: you might want to take ten minutes and write some

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Speaker 1: fucking fowls. So I was like, all right, I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: do that. I sat down, I started writing, and I

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Speaker 1: had to change my paper so many times because my tears.

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Speaker 1: I kept going on to the paper. I'm serious, because

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Speaker 1: I really started to think about how much I was

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Speaker 1: in love with someone, and then I started thinking about

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Speaker 1: the fact that I can't change my mind after tomorrow.

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Speaker 1: It was scary, but it was also like heartwarming here

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Speaker 1: and now I promised to love faithfully fun I need

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Speaker 1: right now. I love you, girl, girl, girl, You're lucky.

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Speaker 1: We got guests because we have guests. Dim the lights.

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Speaker 1: So listen, people, you've probably heard about the laugh already.

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Speaker 1: The guests are this guy laughed a couple of times,

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Speaker 1: having a good time. We were supposed to bet about

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Speaker 1: what's happening this week and then introduced the guests, but

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Speaker 1: he introduced himselves last. Listen. No, so we're excited to

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Speaker 1: have with us today. Mr and Mrs keV on stage.

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Speaker 1: Y'all know them as Kevin Melissa from The Love Hour.

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Speaker 1: You guys have been asking me for about a year

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Speaker 1: when y'all going to get with Kevin dead has need

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Speaker 1: to get with the Love Hour like you've been asking in.

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Speaker 1: It's here now and it's the first of len guys.

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Speaker 1: Thank you, thank you. Welcome to Los Angeles, Gas Prices.

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Speaker 1: Ain't who woke? That was not over. I saw your

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Speaker 1: story and I was crying. He parked his car and

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Speaker 1: he's like I'm not going to nowhere of it. I'll

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Speaker 1: stay right here before I buy gas. That I was mad.

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Speaker 1: I was so mad. I've never seen the Vale drive

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Speaker 1: so slow in my life. And I'm just like, babe,

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Speaker 1: you can you can go a little fat here five

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Speaker 1: And He's just like, I put my audible on my book.

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Speaker 1: My book would take my audable and I was just

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Speaker 1: listening to my books driving twenty four months hour not

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Speaker 1: people was honking, looking down trying. I was like, we

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Speaker 1: need to find another way. So y'all need to show

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Speaker 1: us the way. What is the way out here? With gas? Guys,

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Speaker 1: it's can pray. That's how I gonna get through long?

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Speaker 1: How do it? So if y'all remember, Kevin Melissa were

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Speaker 1: with us at Fest. So for those of you who

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Speaker 1: were lucky enough to be there for our live show,

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Speaker 1: they were on stage. It was a angela Ge and

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Speaker 1: Shrews Jackson. Don't say his name right, I was my

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Speaker 1: bad bro. You know it's never love but anyway, alright,

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Speaker 1: so you'll know all have a good love story, right, okay,

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Speaker 1: So tell me about your love story. I met Melissa

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Speaker 1: on the first day of school in junior year. Mrs

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Speaker 1: Chapman's US history class teach his name. Yes, I remember

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Speaker 1: this like it was Yes, it was a life changing

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Speaker 1: moment for me. And I remember like, man, I gotta

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Speaker 1: I gotta holler at this girl. I have to. So

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Speaker 1: as I'm looking at her and thinking like what am

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Speaker 1: I gonna approach? How am I gonna approach her, this

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Speaker 1: dude taps me on the shoulder and has a note

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Speaker 1: and he's like, can you hand this to her? And

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Speaker 1: it's a letter to Melissa, And I'm like, god, damn,

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Speaker 1: this dude beat me to the punch. So I handed

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Speaker 1: the person has the toss, she opens it, looks at

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Speaker 1: it for a second, closes it, puts it down, and

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Speaker 1: doesn't even look at the dude. I'm like, so you're

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Speaker 1: telling me there's a chance. Like from that moment, I'm like, okay,

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Speaker 1: she ain't gonna play no games. So we live in

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Speaker 1: the same neighborhood, around the block from each other, brote

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Speaker 1: this same bus. I mean I was on her early,

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Speaker 1: but she was not trying to have it because I

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Speaker 1: was trying to I was talking to various various girls.

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Speaker 1: I mean, come on, you see it. Uh. So I

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Speaker 1: remember like holing at her and she was like. She

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Speaker 1: was like, nah, I tell my friends how her. She's

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Speaker 1: like nah. She was like, you're a fisherman. You out

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Speaker 1: here trying to get all these girls ain't gonna be me.

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Speaker 1: So then I was like, I let these girls go.

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Speaker 1: I let this girl's girl. Bro. I don't even need him.

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Speaker 1: So I stopped talking to everybody I was talking to,

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Speaker 1: and by the grace of God, I asked to be

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Speaker 1: my girlfriend. She wasn't happening, and her cousin Tony was like, man,

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Speaker 1: come on this man, give him a chance. Man k

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Speaker 1: my boy because he used to hoop together. We used

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Speaker 1: to share clothes and stuff, and he was like, man,

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Speaker 1: give Kevi a chance. She was like okay. She grabbed

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Speaker 1: my hands. Okay, Tony, you see we will I'll date him. Okay,

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Speaker 1: are you happy? Then she threw my hand and that

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Speaker 1: was how we started dating. She was telling her cousin, fine,

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Speaker 1: I will marry you. Are you happy? No, damn? She

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Speaker 1: was against is how we started there. And I was like,

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Speaker 1: I'll take it. I was taken. I'll make the best

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Speaker 1: out of this. Uh, And then we That was fifteen

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Speaker 1: two thousand when she grabbed my hand aggressively and then

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Speaker 1: through it and I never let it go. Oh my god, Cathy,

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Speaker 1: that he that's what's up. That's amazing. I was in

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Speaker 1: love with her from the moment I met her. She

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Speaker 1: wasn't in love with me for for a lot longer.

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Speaker 1: Oh so this was It was like the first because

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Speaker 1: because I knew now, I felt couldn't get up. I

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Speaker 1: have no beard, no nothing bear, no beard, no bed.

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Speaker 1: But he was swimming though. Were the original ways? Were

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Speaker 1: the original bears? No? Two three sixty three sixty No

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Speaker 1: do large decision? God, man, I you don't even gotta

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Speaker 1: worry about She couldn't. She couldn't help herself. That's all

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Speaker 1: I saw, because then it was just like the head

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Speaker 1: and then it's like little body. And I wasn't looking

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Speaker 1: potential Christians. I was like, he made it to the league.

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Speaker 1: People used to be like, oh, yeah, she's because he's

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Speaker 1: going to the league. I was like, you think I

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Speaker 1: had the forest had to see him game to go

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Speaker 1: to anybody's league. You had this paper. This was me

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Speaker 1: in college like this look like a potspoon, did you

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Speaker 1: guys lead? We actually went to the same elementary school

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Speaker 1: and we cased cats throughout. We kept just like weaving weaving.

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Speaker 1: We went to rival high schools and then finally started

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Speaker 1: dating um in college. Oh my goodness, on each other

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Speaker 1: pretty long time. But we're talking about vows and it's

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Speaker 1: great to have you guys, because you guys have been married.

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Speaker 1: You have two beautiful boys. And I always want to

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Speaker 1: ask other married men, like did you write your vows?

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Speaker 1: Or did you win it? Because I know you you

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Speaker 1: good off the cuff, like me, I didn't anything after thee.

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Speaker 1: I feel like we got a lot of we were

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Speaker 1: One of the things about being married so long ago

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Speaker 1: is people weren't doing all the cool stuff, all the

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Speaker 1: other ways we went to. It was like it was

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Speaker 1: like cookie cutter. I didn't know you could even do

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Speaker 1: you to have hashtags now, I'm like, man, we didn't

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Speaker 1: get to do none of that stuff. You got married

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Speaker 1: two thousand three four four is there? I could tell

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Speaker 1: you I've been mad a long time. You don't even

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Speaker 1: remember when y'all got two thousand four because our wedding,

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Speaker 1: our wedding program has the wrong date on it realized

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Speaker 1: that to like this year we were moving some stuff around.

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Speaker 1: We're like, man, we never noticed this fifteen years. It

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Speaker 1: was two thousand four years ago, fifteen years ago out.

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Speaker 1: So is there anything that you both wish you prepared

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Speaker 1: for before marriage, like after the fact, now that you are,

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Speaker 1: you're like, man, if I had known that, I would

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Speaker 1: have done X y man, there's a lot everything I

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Speaker 1: feel like. So getting married so young. People always talk

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Speaker 1: about how great that is, how cute that is, and

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Speaker 1: all that stuff. But it's also the drawback of it

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Speaker 1: is you are not fully developed like we were twenty

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Speaker 1: one and twenty Yeah, super young. We're fully in love,

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Speaker 1: but we didn't, Like, you don't even know that much

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Speaker 1: about yourself at that age. So it's not that I

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Speaker 1: would have, like, um, gotten married later. I wouldn't have

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Speaker 1: been earlier. I actually pitch pitched to Melissa, let's do

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Speaker 1: this now come out. You would have got married earlier.

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Speaker 1: Things you show side, what do you think about tomorrow?

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Speaker 1: You know, because the financial aid for married people was

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Speaker 1: out of this world, and I was like, bro, we're

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Speaker 1: gonna be good. Let's just come on a plane. When

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Speaker 1: that first financially chicked in, kicked in post marriage, like

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Speaker 1: we should have been with it a long time ago.

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Speaker 1: You're talking about where I gotta get to know we

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Speaker 1: could do all that together. Cut these loans down. So ladies,

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Speaker 1: let me ask you all a question. You gotta say

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Speaker 1: vows too. You know you heard I wrote my down

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Speaker 1: cried Kevi wing did because keV just be off the

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Speaker 1: top booth. How did y'all do y'all vows? You know?

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Speaker 1: I was kind of like you. I sat, you know,

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Speaker 1: in the wedding planning and there's like a ton of

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Speaker 1: things going on. That was actually one of the last

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Speaker 1: things I did, and not that it wasn't of importance.

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Speaker 1: The last thing is the vows. She was like, man,

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Speaker 1: I got one more, you know, it got the flowers,

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Speaker 1: who got the DJs? There's a lot of logistics, so

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Speaker 1: but on my to do list it's there. It was.

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Speaker 1: There was the vows. And I sat the night before

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Speaker 1: and I did the same thing. I was kind of

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Speaker 1: just like ripping. It didn't sound good. I didn't know.

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Speaker 1: I think I was so young too that I didn't

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Speaker 1: know what was supposed to sound right. And my thing,

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Speaker 1: the thing that I did wrong, I was writing it

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Speaker 1: thinking about how it would sound to other people and

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Speaker 1: not really writing it for him. Yes, so I can

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Speaker 1: admit that now, like I can see that that's why

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Speaker 1: I need to read personally. That's why you said you

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Speaker 1: need to redo your do all my eye do what

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Speaker 1: I thought you said you wanted to read like you

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Speaker 1: want to get married or more. I'm about to be

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Speaker 1: like you stuck. I want to do a redo. That

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Speaker 1: means I need a vow renewal. Yes, so we can

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Speaker 1: have all the things. Yes, all of the things, all

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Speaker 1: of the face. And I'll tell you for me it's um.

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Speaker 1: I want to redo for my I do because it

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Speaker 1: wasn't personal and I felt like a lot of I

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Speaker 1: let a lot of people and outside forces dictate to

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Speaker 1: me what my wedding day was gonna look like. I'm

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Speaker 1: going to look like all of it, like everything. Even now,

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Speaker 1: when I look at my wedding pictures, I'd be like

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Speaker 1: I could do my makeup better today. You know, I

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Speaker 1: want want hashtag. Yeah, I want to have a hashtag.

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Speaker 1: And I want to have a Nigerian wedding. Hello Nigerian yo.

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Speaker 1: I said the same thing about Indian weddings everything. Why

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Speaker 1: do they have the most lit weddings? Yes, in the world.

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Speaker 1: I know we're not Nigerian. I feel like it can

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Speaker 1: it be cultural appropriation if we're African American? Um at

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Speaker 1: something but I wanted I'm gonna talk to some people

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Speaker 1: see if I can get This is what you do. First,

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Speaker 1: you go find out where your roots are. If you

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Speaker 1: if you want to fist Nigerian, then you can have

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Speaker 1: a Nigerian wedding. But then you gotta tell all your friends.

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Speaker 1: They gotta give gifts like Nigerians give gifts, you know,

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Speaker 1: because they give you gotta bring some bread hundred dollars

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Speaker 1: minimum in Syning, Like yeah, that's what weddings were for

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Speaker 1: at one point. It was a way for the culture

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Speaker 1: to come together and get you started as a family.

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Speaker 1: And here this is what you have his your nest egg.

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Speaker 1: Now it's like yea, I'm gonna do this weddings and

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Speaker 1: get free drinks, free drinking, and people wonder why you're

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Speaker 1: not getting invited, like Brona, it's too expensive to be

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Speaker 1: an outlier friend. Yeah, I don't even know you like that.

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Speaker 1: We were looking at our wedding picture of the crowd.

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Speaker 1: I don't remember half to not even half more than

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Speaker 1: half of those people. I don't even remember them at all.

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Speaker 1: A lot of it too, for it was our parents

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Speaker 1: too who they wanted to invide their friends. People who

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Speaker 1: have seen you grow up. I said, man, we do

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Speaker 1: this viralnew it's gonna be meet you and the boys

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Speaker 1: on the mountaintop. It's a circle of people. You know

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Speaker 1: what I just told my homeboy's getting married. I don't

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Speaker 1: want to out him because he was like the value,

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Speaker 1: I don't know who to invite him? Not to invite

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Speaker 1: my friends, and said, this is what you do. You

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Speaker 1: take all your friends out for dinner, a lunch. Right

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Speaker 1: when the check comes. Those friends that say, oh, let

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Speaker 1: me see what I got. Don't invite them to your wedding.

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Speaker 1: Don't because those are type of friends exactly. They won't

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Speaker 1: put in no tax on nobertuity, they won't put in

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Speaker 1: a seven ninety nine, and they're gonna leave first. You

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Speaker 1: don't invite those people to your wedding. The friends you

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Speaker 1: invite will be like, what's the total its tax include?

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Speaker 1: All right, let's just split it the type of fans

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Speaker 1: you invite to your women. You know what I'm saying?

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Speaker 1: That was great? Yeah, I feel like it's almost switched

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Speaker 1: because I hear a lot more dude talking about being

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Speaker 1: married for legacy purposes, and now a lot more women

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Speaker 1: are like, my legacy is not gonna be having your babies.

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Speaker 1: So it almost seems like at a time it was

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Speaker 1: we were brought up to be players, and y'all were

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Speaker 1: brought up to be wise. And I was like, we're

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Speaker 1: raising our men to try to be husbands and women

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Speaker 1: are being brought up not to be wives. And it's

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Speaker 1: funny to see that, you know, happen now with all

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Speaker 1: the millennials, and now they were gen Z. Yeah, gen Z.

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Speaker 1: Gen Z does not believe in marriage the way we

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Speaker 1: were brought up to believe in marriage. What do you

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Speaker 1: guys think about that? Lesten was saying that she was

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Speaker 1: taught or her in the church. It was like, you

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Speaker 1: should be a wife. She should be a wife, but

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Speaker 1: in her in her family, and I'll let you speak

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Speaker 1: to it. She wasn't taught to her nor her sisters,

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Speaker 1: but we were. But there was also an aspect of

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Speaker 1: be independent. My mother too, So no matter if you

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Speaker 1: have a man or not, it's me and I have

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Speaker 1: two younger sisters. My dad taught us how to change

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Speaker 1: a tire. My dad taught us. He tried to teach

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Speaker 1: us how to change the oil in our how to

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Speaker 1: do but he tried to do that when we were

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Speaker 1: brought up. And when he taught us how to drive,

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Speaker 1: we learned in a stick shift. I took my driver's

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Speaker 1: test in a stick shift. I can back up perfectly.

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Speaker 1: I was always taught that. So when we got together,

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Speaker 1: even today, low ki um, I still be like, don't

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Speaker 1: you ever forget you? Why I am a capable woman?

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Speaker 1: I don't know. I asked you to do something because

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Speaker 1: I want you to do to have a dependency. But then,

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Speaker 1: what's up with that pickle jar all open? Oh? When

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Speaker 1: it's to get that al all type of stuff scared?

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Speaker 1: Keep that same enha? What about that spot of this

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Speaker 1: more in you independent? What if I wasn't there, just

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Speaker 1: opened up the pickle jars because I pre loosened that

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Speaker 1: you ain't enough to open it and you and also

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Speaker 1: I had you in mind when I found a place

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Speaker 1: with central air now, so there's no lifting eight season

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Speaker 1: and out the window. No, man, you get that, you

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Speaker 1: get that right. But when it's time for that garbage

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Speaker 1: to go out, it's time to go out late at

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Speaker 1: night to check out what that sound was. That's when

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Speaker 1: the eyes get real big, and she looking at me

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Speaker 1: like maybe did you hear that? Did you hear that?

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Speaker 1: And I'm like, yeah, I heard. That's just because you're

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Speaker 1: my best friend. We just so happened to be married,

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Speaker 1: so you know, we're doing what best buddies dear. So okay,

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Speaker 1: so I got so, I got a question. Right. Men

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Speaker 1: are expected to do certain things in a relationship. Right.

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Speaker 1: And it was a clip recently that Fantasia spoke about

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Speaker 1: Yes on the Breakfast Club. Yes, And we're gonna We're

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Speaker 1: gonna play the clip and then I'm want to get

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Speaker 1: you guys thoughts. Okay, because this is this is a

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Speaker 1: very interesting clip. Every morning at four thirty in the morning,

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Speaker 1: I wake my wife up and we pray, we'll talk

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Speaker 1: a salute that because we need more of that, you

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Speaker 1: know what I mean? We need more men to stand

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Speaker 1: up and lead the way. Most women are trying to

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Speaker 1: be the leader. That's why you can't find a man.

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Speaker 1: You can't be the king in the house. Fall back

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Speaker 1: and be the queen and let your man lead lead

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Speaker 1: the way. What does that mean? You can't be a

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Speaker 1: leader because a lot of women looking like new I

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Speaker 1: can lead him? How who I could do this? In

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Speaker 1: my that that's now it's supposed to be. And that's

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Speaker 1: why we bump heads and I feel like it's a

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Speaker 1: generational thing and we can talk, we can go real

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Speaker 1: deep on that, and I'm not need I don't need

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Speaker 1: to start that. But it's a generational curse and how

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Speaker 1: society have placed our men and women have to to

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Speaker 1: stand up and be the mother and the father and

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Speaker 1: the provider. And so then now you are so bad

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Speaker 1: you so you can't be told nothing that when the

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Speaker 1: right man come, you lose them because you're trying to

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Speaker 1: be the the man. Can we be equal? Of course?

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Speaker 1: Was the at the end of the day on the neck.

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Speaker 1: My man's the head, so he can't make any moves

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Speaker 1: without his wife. You know what I mean? It all

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Speaker 1: works together, but you can't be the head of the house.

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Speaker 1: You've got to let the man be the head of

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Speaker 1: the house. So I want to hear you guys thoughts.

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Speaker 1: I know that my wife is very vocal about these things,

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Speaker 1: and I know Melissa is very vocal about it. I

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Speaker 1: have my own unique idea about so we're talking submission, submission, submission,

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Speaker 1: my thoughts. I think that um okay, So I have

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Speaker 1: like every evolving thoughts. Number One, we grew up very

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Speaker 1: churchy and Fantasia did as well, so I understand the

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Speaker 1: um position from which she starts growing up in the church,

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Speaker 1: and when you're in that world, um submission means, you know,

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Speaker 1: let allowing your husband to lead. I believe that all

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Speaker 1: submission means is to be under one mission. That's all

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Speaker 1: sub meaning. Under a mission, a household mission, a house divided,

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Speaker 1: it cannot stand. So if I have a mission for

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Speaker 1: our family and you have a mission for our family

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Speaker 1: and they don't um overlap, they don't agree, they're not congruent, congruent,

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Speaker 1: then we have division in our household. I believe that

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Speaker 1: all we need to do is come together. We have

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Speaker 1: a conversation. And that's not to say you just make

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Speaker 1: a decision without my input. We are partners in this

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Speaker 1: thing together, so let me let us come together agree

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Speaker 1: on how we're going to move forward. And then from there,

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Speaker 1: if you want to lead, child baby, I got you.

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Speaker 1: I can stand beside you, and that's it. I don't

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Speaker 1: think submission has to be a thing about, um, I'm

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Speaker 1: in charge and I'm behind you, or you know what

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Speaker 1: I mean. It doesn't have to be this power struggle.

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Speaker 1: That's what I wanted. It doesn't have to be this

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Speaker 1: power struggle. To me, it literally just means having one

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Speaker 1: mission from your household. Yeah, because you know what, I

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Speaker 1: think the negative connotation that the word submission has is

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Speaker 1: really the root of this change. For you think of submission,

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Speaker 1: you're thinking of someone is ultimately the ultimate power that

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Speaker 1: the ruler of all the land and everything else is

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Speaker 1: the peasants, and they have to listen to I even

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Speaker 1: pulled up the definition of submission. Justice is what it says,

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Speaker 1: and it says the act or fact of accepting or

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Speaker 1: yielding to a superior force or the will or authority

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Speaker 1: of another person. So we were forced into submission in

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Speaker 1: itself the triggering factor into the idea of submission, I think.

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Speaker 1: I think for men, when I was taught about submission,

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Speaker 1: it's you leave the household, you tell your wife what

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Speaker 1: y'all are going to do, right, And I think that's

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Speaker 1: the dangerous part is I'm going to tell you what

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Speaker 1: you're gonna what we're gonna do, and you're gonna follow

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Speaker 1: me blindly. What has worked better for us is I

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Speaker 1: present a plan for our review. Right. So when we're

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Speaker 1: moving to l A, this is probably the best example

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Speaker 1: of submission and being in alignment ever. We're moving to

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Speaker 1: l A it was my desire, my vision. I said,

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Speaker 1: here's what I want to do. Here's how much money

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Speaker 1: I think we need to have saved. Here's how I

403
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Speaker 1: think we get it. Here's what I think we should

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Speaker 1: do with the house. Here's the part of l A.

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Speaker 1: I think we should live in, where the kids will

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Speaker 1: go to school, where I'm gonna work, how long we

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Speaker 1: can live on our savings. So you had you did diligence,

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Speaker 1: you know, and I had Bible scriptures to reference, Like,

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Speaker 1: here's where I think right now, I have a whole

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Speaker 1: thing right from Washington right, no family in l A.

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Speaker 1: I mean, you weren't even this far in our careers.

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Speaker 1: It was just like, here's how I think it's gonna work.

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Speaker 1: So I presented that to Melissa and then she gave

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Speaker 1: me her thoughts on it. She was like, so, I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna tell you. I'm gonna be honest with chocolate. We

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Speaker 1: found part of my plan. What's to do with the house.

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Speaker 1: Let it go to foreclosure. I'm gonna get that back.

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Speaker 1: Don't even foreclosure. Everybody's going to foreclosure was a good

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00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:44,639
Speaker 1: bankruptcy Trump did ab times. So she was like, what

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00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:46,480
Speaker 1: do we just rented the house out? I was like,

421
00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:50,000
Speaker 1: that's a great idea. Why it was either paying the

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Speaker 1: mortgage or dope, you know what I'm saying. So and

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Speaker 1: then in the house thing, I was like, here's the

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Speaker 1: cheapest part of l A will live in North Hollywood.

425
00:22:56,359 --> 00:22:58,040
Speaker 1: And she's like, because we're moving from the house to

426
00:22:58,119 --> 00:23:00,360
Speaker 1: an apartment, which was already hard for because we own

427
00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:02,880
Speaker 1: in our house for five six years by that time.

428
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:06,240
Speaker 1: So she's like, look, my only thing is in the house.

429
00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:09,639
Speaker 1: We need a washer and dryer in the unit. Not

430
00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:14,000
Speaker 1: taking I'll handle a lot keV but I won't. I

431
00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:19,320
Speaker 1: was like, what about right across the hallway the house

432
00:23:19,359 --> 00:23:23,680
Speaker 1: because we had small kids. Whatever, I'm not gonna be

433
00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:26,240
Speaker 1: you know. So I'm like, okay, so now and we

434
00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:28,560
Speaker 1: work down the line about jobs, about all that. So

435
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:31,959
Speaker 1: then as a team. So what I really as a man,

436
00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:33,400
Speaker 1: what you don't want is your wife to be able

437
00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:35,520
Speaker 1: to say I told you so, right, if you don't

438
00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:38,720
Speaker 1: have her on your side with the plan, if you

439
00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:41,479
Speaker 1: would never to be failed, if any one of your

440
00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:44,680
Speaker 1: plans fans she liked, And this is what I told you.

441
00:23:45,119 --> 00:23:47,440
Speaker 1: But if you work together, whether you fail or succeed,

442
00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:50,440
Speaker 1: y'all did it together? Now? There's no animosity. It's like, well, shoot,

443
00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:51,840
Speaker 1: I thought that was gonna work. I thought it was

444
00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:54,960
Speaker 1: too it didn't, but we're good. Instead of I told

445
00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:57,280
Speaker 1: you that wouldn't work, and now it didn't work, and

446
00:23:57,359 --> 00:23:59,000
Speaker 1: this is why we're messed up. Well, it's great that

447
00:23:59,080 --> 00:24:01,359
Speaker 1: you have an actual plan that she came with, so

448
00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:03,880
Speaker 1: it's not just like throwing something around and me and like, yeah,

449
00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:06,000
Speaker 1: you know, we'll figure out. You had a plan. Also,

450
00:24:06,080 --> 00:24:07,800
Speaker 1: what you didn't do was give her the plan and

451
00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:10,480
Speaker 1: say this is the plan. Less So there's a conversation,

452
00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:13,640
Speaker 1: and she brought a lot to it that I haven't.

453
00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:16,480
Speaker 1: And now I felt like we're moving to l A

454
00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:19,240
Speaker 1: instead of I'm taking my family to l A and

455
00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:21,760
Speaker 1: I have her buying. When you have your buying, things

456
00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:25,560
Speaker 1: go smoothly, even if the life is rough. Absolutely, because

457
00:24:27,520 --> 00:24:29,960
Speaker 1: back to New York. See my my issue with submission

458
00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:32,399
Speaker 1: is it goes back to the route right now. We

459
00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:34,800
Speaker 1: talked about this early in the green room that I've

460
00:24:34,800 --> 00:24:38,560
Speaker 1: always had issues with religion and I've always questioned things right.

461
00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:40,960
Speaker 1: So for me, it was always about even as a

462
00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:43,440
Speaker 1: young kid, it's like, Okay, we pray to the Father,

463
00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:47,040
Speaker 1: the Son, the Holy Spirit, there's no women when women

464
00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:49,880
Speaker 1: are the creators of life. Right, So we don't pray

465
00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:52,280
Speaker 1: to any women, we don't honor any women. We only

466
00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:55,320
Speaker 1: pray the fathers. Then this idea that you cannot lead

467
00:24:55,359 --> 00:24:58,840
Speaker 1: a household at all just because you're a women a woman,

468
00:24:59,080 --> 00:25:02,600
Speaker 1: to me just just seems very antiquated in archaic, because

469
00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:07,679
Speaker 1: there are men who are better followers or direction takers,

470
00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:10,320
Speaker 1: then there are leaders, and there are women who are

471
00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:13,600
Speaker 1: better direction givers than there are followers. So if you're

472
00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:15,280
Speaker 1: a man, right and we talk about a man who

473
00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:17,240
Speaker 1: finds a wife finds a good thing, if you're a

474
00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:20,760
Speaker 1: man who just takes direction better, you're telling me you're

475
00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:24,040
Speaker 1: not deserving of a wife because you can't lead, what

476
00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:25,680
Speaker 1: I'm saying. And if you're a woman who was a

477
00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:28,560
Speaker 1: better leader, you're telling me that you don't deserve a

478
00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:31,520
Speaker 1: husband because you're not willing to submit. There are great

479
00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:34,439
Speaker 1: partnerships in the world where the woman takes the reins

480
00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:39,399
Speaker 1: and the man follows. That's that's a good that's a

481
00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:44,640
Speaker 1: good marriage up. That is a great point. You see

482
00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:49,880
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, But I mean it's oprah. You think

483
00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:54,399
Speaker 1: you know in that relationship dynamic. Thank you, and to me,

484
00:25:54,600 --> 00:26:00,680
Speaker 1: that's the whole idea. They are winning and don't he

485
00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:03,080
Speaker 1: got to complaint in his life? That, to me is

486
00:26:03,119 --> 00:26:05,760
Speaker 1: the whole idea behind submission. To me just doesn't seem

487
00:26:05,840 --> 00:26:08,760
Speaker 1: to make sense that automatically. It's like, well, if I

488
00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:10,440
Speaker 1: get married, I gotta take the lead. Some dude, just

489
00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:11,880
Speaker 1: like I don't want to take the lead. My life

490
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:16,760
Speaker 1: a genius planner, you know what I'm saying. And some

491
00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:19,480
Speaker 1: some women are just like, yo, I'm not listening to you, bro,

492
00:26:19,640 --> 00:26:22,960
Speaker 1: but I love you. I love that. It's also listening.

493
00:26:23,040 --> 00:26:25,960
Speaker 1: It's also to knowing each other's strengths and weaknesses. You

494
00:26:26,119 --> 00:26:28,080
Speaker 1: have to know what you're capable of and when you

495
00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:31,719
Speaker 1: need to digress, and you know, tag me in, bro,

496
00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:34,400
Speaker 1: this is what you're good at. Let's have a conversation

497
00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:36,560
Speaker 1: about it and you take the lead. You're not very similar.

498
00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:41,359
Speaker 1: I defer to my wife a whole lot because my

499
00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:43,520
Speaker 1: my ego, I have a big ego, just like you

500
00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:49,600
Speaker 1: have a huge My ego is so big. My ego

501
00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:51,480
Speaker 1: is so big that I know what I don't know,

502
00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:55,960
Speaker 1: and I know at certain times she's gonna get me

503
00:26:56,040 --> 00:26:58,880
Speaker 1: where I need to be. So Okay, what we're doing,

504
00:26:59,520 --> 00:27:02,920
Speaker 1: we're what we're doing, what we're going. Just handle that, Yes,

505
00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:05,000
Speaker 1: let me do whatever it is. That much of my

506
00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:08,159
Speaker 1: career success is that, like what do you think? And

507
00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:11,600
Speaker 1: then listening to what she thinks and then being cool

508
00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:14,879
Speaker 1: with knowing what you don't know and trusting somebody that

509
00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:17,240
Speaker 1: but you gotta that starts with the place of trust.

510
00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:21,639
Speaker 1: You trust and value Caden's input, and therefore her opinion

511
00:27:21,720 --> 00:27:24,320
Speaker 1: carries weight likelutely, that's one thing that we as men

512
00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:26,640
Speaker 1: have to value, like man, this is the reason she's

513
00:27:26,680 --> 00:27:28,960
Speaker 1: in my life is to help me, and I value

514
00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:31,080
Speaker 1: her opinion like it's not one thing I didn't do

515
00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:33,760
Speaker 1: a lot in my marriage. I would I was working

516
00:27:33,840 --> 00:27:36,240
Speaker 1: on Melissa would plant the first seed as a good idea,

517
00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:38,760
Speaker 1: but I wouldn't take it initially right because I felt

518
00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:40,600
Speaker 1: like I needed to be the man and I gotta

519
00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:42,920
Speaker 1: do my thing. So then somebody in my circle would

520
00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:45,600
Speaker 1: echo her sentiment, sometimes a man, a lot of times

521
00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:47,320
Speaker 1: a man. And then I'd be like, I'm gonna do that,

522
00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:49,000
Speaker 1: and then she started calling me on a life bro,

523
00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:51,920
Speaker 1: I've been told you, and now you do it because

524
00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:54,200
Speaker 1: this person said it, or because you think it's your idea,

525
00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:56,840
Speaker 1: like what about doing it when I suggested to you?

526
00:27:56,960 --> 00:27:58,720
Speaker 1: Why is it? Why did somebody else have to echo

527
00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:01,440
Speaker 1: that sentiment before? I think that was some residual like

528
00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:04,720
Speaker 1: I can't take advice from you and lead you. But

529
00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:06,560
Speaker 1: now threw all that out and like, I'm gonna just

530
00:28:06,640 --> 00:28:09,280
Speaker 1: listen to you early and often. Han't got me. It

531
00:28:09,320 --> 00:28:11,680
Speaker 1: hasn't stayed me wrong. It comes with the trust you, Absolutely,

532
00:28:11,760 --> 00:28:14,280
Speaker 1: it comes with the trust. And I will say this

533
00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:17,879
Speaker 1: though about what Fantasia said. Part of the problem with

534
00:28:18,280 --> 00:28:21,800
Speaker 1: within the black community is that no one is willing

535
00:28:21,880 --> 00:28:23,879
Speaker 1: to take that step back. For example, she said, you

536
00:28:23,920 --> 00:28:26,040
Speaker 1: gotta let men be men. Let's think about when you're

537
00:28:26,080 --> 00:28:28,600
Speaker 1: when you're brought up as a woman, right, You're brought

538
00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:30,760
Speaker 1: up as a woman to find a man who's alpha male.

539
00:28:30,920 --> 00:28:33,240
Speaker 1: He's a conqueror, he dominates, he does this, he does that.

540
00:28:33,600 --> 00:28:35,600
Speaker 1: So if you're chasing these type of men, the men

541
00:28:35,640 --> 00:28:37,639
Speaker 1: who conquer, who dominate, who win, who do all this

542
00:28:37,720 --> 00:28:39,960
Speaker 1: other stuff. But then in that relationship you want to

543
00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:42,680
Speaker 1: compete with him to who's the leader, that's gonna be

544
00:28:42,840 --> 00:28:46,040
Speaker 1: toxic because you chase the type of man that now

545
00:28:46,160 --> 00:28:48,000
Speaker 1: you want to compete with him He's not gonna let

546
00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:51,960
Speaker 1: you beat him everything, So somebody has to at that

547
00:28:52,040 --> 00:28:54,440
Speaker 1: point decide who was going to fall back and let them,

548
00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:56,600
Speaker 1: you know, be the leader. And I think there's a

549
00:28:56,680 --> 00:28:59,200
Speaker 1: lot of truth to what she said there because in

550
00:28:59,240 --> 00:29:03,040
Speaker 1: our community we're not taught this dynamic because marriage is

551
00:29:03,080 --> 00:29:05,960
Speaker 1: not taught anymore. Women are taught you may have to

552
00:29:05,960 --> 00:29:07,880
Speaker 1: take care everything by yourself, so be prepared to do

553
00:29:07,960 --> 00:29:11,120
Speaker 1: it in lead, and then men are taught man these holes. Yeah,

554
00:29:11,280 --> 00:29:13,080
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, You could do all this

555
00:29:13,160 --> 00:29:16,840
Speaker 1: other stuff. So there's no dynamic of marriage together. And

556
00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:18,760
Speaker 1: I think it starts from from the youth. And she

557
00:29:18,880 --> 00:29:20,840
Speaker 1: say in her in her clip something about like being

558
00:29:20,920 --> 00:29:26,240
Speaker 1: the neck that stabilized something like yeah, and I've heard

559
00:29:26,240 --> 00:29:27,680
Speaker 1: that a long time ago before, and I think that

560
00:29:28,280 --> 00:29:32,240
Speaker 1: so true. Tiffany said it, Yes, shout out. She's the

561
00:29:32,240 --> 00:29:33,800
Speaker 1: one that said that. She's like, I'm like the neck

562
00:29:33,920 --> 00:29:36,560
Speaker 1: of the report. He could be ahead and you can

563
00:29:36,600 --> 00:29:38,560
Speaker 1: stay everything, he can rotate and look around, but just

564
00:29:38,680 --> 00:29:41,680
Speaker 1: know where it centered at, you know. And I feel

565
00:29:41,720 --> 00:29:44,320
Speaker 1: like first asked about where he's going in the next

566
00:29:44,360 --> 00:29:47,240
Speaker 1: couple of days when his travels, like he don't know

567
00:29:48,160 --> 00:29:51,160
Speaker 1: because I made all the travel plans, this one in

568
00:29:51,240 --> 00:29:54,200
Speaker 1: expedient with hotel and flights. That's not what I do.

569
00:29:54,280 --> 00:29:58,320
Speaker 1: But taking that taking that weight off of him, that's true,

570
00:29:58,320 --> 00:30:01,560
Speaker 1: but he can go ahead and be creative and produce content.

571
00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:08,760
Speaker 1: You you could spend them, definitely. But how did y'all

572
00:30:08,800 --> 00:30:10,720
Speaker 1: get to that point? Because the biggest thing we like

573
00:30:10,800 --> 00:30:13,160
Speaker 1: to do on dead asses talk about the problem, talk

574
00:30:13,200 --> 00:30:15,200
Speaker 1: about what we went through that problem, But how what

575
00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:18,200
Speaker 1: were the mechanisms that got us to a place now

576
00:30:18,240 --> 00:30:20,440
Speaker 1: where we can have this conversation openly And it's different

577
00:30:20,480 --> 00:30:22,240
Speaker 1: and maybe it may have been different for you guys,

578
00:30:22,960 --> 00:30:25,520
Speaker 1: and it was for us. And and Mel I kind

579
00:30:25,560 --> 00:30:28,080
Speaker 1: of want to hear your perspective because I like to

580
00:30:28,120 --> 00:30:30,680
Speaker 1: hear women's perspective because I try to understand my wife, Yes,

581
00:30:30,800 --> 00:30:36,200
Speaker 1: a lot more, you know what I'm saying. Shall we are?

582
00:30:37,320 --> 00:30:40,280
Speaker 1: When keV was going through his stuff, what were you

583
00:30:40,400 --> 00:30:43,080
Speaker 1: doing to try to find your place? One of the

584
00:30:43,200 --> 00:30:46,000
Speaker 1: things that I think is so important is that we

585
00:30:46,200 --> 00:30:48,680
Speaker 1: all recognize something that you were just talking about, is

586
00:30:48,760 --> 00:30:52,600
Speaker 1: that dynamics and nuance. And so instead of going into

587
00:30:52,760 --> 00:30:55,280
Speaker 1: any relationship, whether it be your marriage or friendship or

588
00:30:55,320 --> 00:31:00,680
Speaker 1: work environment, whatever, try to lay aside your preconceived notions,

589
00:31:00,800 --> 00:31:04,200
Speaker 1: your assumptions of what it should look like, and let

590
00:31:04,320 --> 00:31:08,520
Speaker 1: it evolve based on again strengths, weaknesses, what you do best,

591
00:31:08,600 --> 00:31:11,160
Speaker 1: what I do best, Like, let it evolve and become

592
00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:13,200
Speaker 1: your own. I think a lot of times we have

593
00:31:13,760 --> 00:31:16,640
Speaker 1: this is what a wife should do, is what a

594
00:31:16,720 --> 00:31:20,479
Speaker 1: husband should do. And maybe, like you said, I'm actually

595
00:31:20,600 --> 00:31:24,080
Speaker 1: not the travel planner in our relationship. Kevin is. He

596
00:31:24,200 --> 00:31:26,960
Speaker 1: does all the travel planning. And that's a perfect example.

597
00:31:26,960 --> 00:31:28,800
Speaker 1: You said that, because now if I talk to Kevin, like, now,

598
00:31:28,920 --> 00:31:32,120
Speaker 1: let your wife do that, because she's a wife exactly,

599
00:31:32,800 --> 00:31:35,480
Speaker 1: That's what I'm Meanwhile, this is the number one. He

600
00:31:35,720 --> 00:31:39,200
Speaker 1: loved it, and yeah, I'm trying to put in the

601
00:31:39,920 --> 00:31:53,200
Speaker 1: night one, two days vacation. In our family, I'm the

602
00:31:53,480 --> 00:31:57,000
Speaker 1: balance book person, so I'm looking at the final numbook.

603
00:31:57,120 --> 00:31:59,520
Speaker 1: Let's look how much this is gonna go. This was

604
00:31:59,560 --> 00:32:02,440
Speaker 1: one of the one for our relationship. In my circle,

605
00:32:02,720 --> 00:32:04,400
Speaker 1: every man told me you got to be the one

606
00:32:04,440 --> 00:32:06,160
Speaker 1: to pay the bills and do the finances. But it

607
00:32:06,320 --> 00:32:08,640
Speaker 1: wasn't my strength. So I was trying to do it

608
00:32:08,800 --> 00:32:11,360
Speaker 1: just to appease them, and I'm forget mostly was just

609
00:32:11,440 --> 00:32:13,280
Speaker 1: forgetting it ain't really my thing. Like I grew, I'm

610
00:32:13,320 --> 00:32:16,680
Speaker 1: trying to spend this back they're gonna give me. I'm

611
00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:19,000
Speaker 1: trying to spend it. So I remember deacon, like some

612
00:32:19,080 --> 00:32:21,000
Speaker 1: of our marriage, me listens like I think I should

613
00:32:21,080 --> 00:32:22,720
Speaker 1: take over, and I was just like, I think it's best.

614
00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:25,480
Speaker 1: She's more of a saver, she's more conservative, she's more administrative,

615
00:32:25,720 --> 00:32:27,400
Speaker 1: and she was better with the money than I was.

616
00:32:27,480 --> 00:32:29,640
Speaker 1: She had more revision, so I was cool with that.

617
00:32:29,680 --> 00:32:31,080
Speaker 1: And I remember I told her a deacon in our

618
00:32:31,160 --> 00:32:32,360
Speaker 1: church and he was like, you can't be the man

619
00:32:32,400 --> 00:32:35,320
Speaker 1: in your house, and like, I absolutely care. I'm still

620
00:32:35,360 --> 00:32:37,440
Speaker 1: going to work. I'm putting the money to the joint account.

621
00:32:37,520 --> 00:32:40,120
Speaker 1: What works for our relationship work. So part of it

622
00:32:40,240 --> 00:32:42,720
Speaker 1: was me being like, bro, if that's not y'all, all

623
00:32:42,800 --> 00:32:44,920
Speaker 1: of y'all, if that works for all y'all, that don't

624
00:32:44,920 --> 00:32:47,680
Speaker 1: mean it works for me for my family. This plus

625
00:32:47,720 --> 00:32:50,480
Speaker 1: all that stuff ain't nobody's business. That's true. That's true.

626
00:32:50,680 --> 00:32:54,480
Speaker 1: So I put the money in there, she sends it

627
00:32:54,560 --> 00:32:56,040
Speaker 1: out or sent it up on a hair or whatever

628
00:32:56,040 --> 00:32:58,560
Speaker 1: the case. And that's what we have to do, is

629
00:32:58,640 --> 00:33:01,960
Speaker 1: have those type of like conversations, put aside everything that

630
00:33:02,080 --> 00:33:05,080
Speaker 1: you think it should be and have an honest dialogue

631
00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:07,600
Speaker 1: with between you and your spouse and decide what works

632
00:33:07,800 --> 00:33:11,760
Speaker 1: for us. Otherwise you will be in a relationship struggling

633
00:33:12,160 --> 00:33:14,760
Speaker 1: try to meet a standard that was never designed with

634
00:33:14,960 --> 00:33:22,640
Speaker 1: you in mind. Whole entire word. I don't know how

635
00:33:22,800 --> 00:33:30,160
Speaker 1: she gets. She got long fingers, it's so loud, I

636
00:33:30,240 --> 00:33:32,160
Speaker 1: bet so. I got a question for y'all. What do

637
00:33:32,320 --> 00:33:35,080
Speaker 1: y'all think of the top three things people need to

638
00:33:35,160 --> 00:33:37,960
Speaker 1: know after they say the vows, the things they can

639
00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:40,040
Speaker 1: work on in your marriage. I'm going to go first.

640
00:33:40,240 --> 00:33:45,160
Speaker 1: I know what you might say, Um, yes, and um.

641
00:33:45,640 --> 00:33:47,960
Speaker 1: This is actually our number one piece of marriage advice

642
00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:50,600
Speaker 1: that we give to every single person every single time

643
00:33:50,640 --> 00:33:51,960
Speaker 1: we're asked we're about to get married. Do you have

644
00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:56,520
Speaker 1: any advice for us? Um, expect nothing to say the same,

645
00:33:57,160 --> 00:34:01,320
Speaker 1: and expect everything to change. Expect nothing to stay the same,

646
00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:06,720
Speaker 1: and expect everything to change, because that's true. Grow and evolve.

647
00:34:07,160 --> 00:34:09,000
Speaker 1: And actually someone said it to us this way just

648
00:34:09,080 --> 00:34:12,759
Speaker 1: the other day. Who I'm married is not who I'll

649
00:34:12,840 --> 00:34:22,360
Speaker 1: end up with. And so when I think about the evolution,

650
00:34:22,440 --> 00:34:24,319
Speaker 1: Kevin gives us an example. All the time we got

651
00:34:24,400 --> 00:34:26,959
Speaker 1: married at twenty and twenty one. He didn't like spicy food.

652
00:34:27,080 --> 00:34:29,960
Speaker 1: Today he does. We got married at twenty and twenty one.

653
00:34:30,000 --> 00:34:33,799
Speaker 1: I didn't like avocados. Now I love avocados. Guacamo. Would

654
00:34:33,800 --> 00:34:36,239
Speaker 1: give it all to me. All of those things are

655
00:34:36,719 --> 00:34:41,719
Speaker 1: evolving and changing. Yes, yes, And so to expect this

656
00:34:41,960 --> 00:34:45,000
Speaker 1: person to be exactly who I'm married on the day

657
00:34:45,040 --> 00:34:49,600
Speaker 1: I said I do fifteen years later, it's unrealistic to

658
00:34:51,080 --> 00:34:54,320
Speaker 1: I would want you to. I would hope that you

659
00:34:54,680 --> 00:34:59,080
Speaker 1: weren't the same person. People hostage to that because we

660
00:34:59,160 --> 00:35:01,960
Speaker 1: don't want them to grow and evolved together. Or what's

661
00:35:02,000 --> 00:35:04,560
Speaker 1: worse is we married someone and expect them to change

662
00:35:05,160 --> 00:35:07,600
Speaker 1: and they don't. Now women do that a lot, I would.

663
00:35:07,600 --> 00:35:09,080
Speaker 1: I would say this. I've heard from a lot of

664
00:35:09,120 --> 00:35:10,920
Speaker 1: I've heard from a lot of women. They sent me demail,

665
00:35:11,120 --> 00:35:13,239
Speaker 1: d M and emails and their biggest thing is I

666
00:35:13,400 --> 00:35:16,000
Speaker 1: married him hoping that I can make him who I wanted.

667
00:35:16,400 --> 00:35:18,880
Speaker 1: I never hear I hear men saying the opposite. I

668
00:35:19,080 --> 00:35:23,480
Speaker 1: married her Now she totally different, which is funny because

669
00:35:23,520 --> 00:35:26,359
Speaker 1: we go into marriage with two different things. I said

670
00:35:26,400 --> 00:35:27,800
Speaker 1: this to K and that's why I touched the shoulder.

671
00:35:28,040 --> 00:35:30,799
Speaker 1: We had this argument. Sting was about three weeks ago,

672
00:35:31,120 --> 00:35:32,960
Speaker 1: and I was just like, man, you are not the

673
00:35:33,160 --> 00:35:36,080
Speaker 1: same person that I'm married, And she was just like,

674
00:35:36,239 --> 00:35:39,120
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna be and either you, and I was

675
00:35:39,160 --> 00:35:45,920
Speaker 1: just like, damn, be right, You're right. I have changed

676
00:35:45,960 --> 00:35:48,839
Speaker 1: as well a lot of times. That so. So one

677
00:35:48,840 --> 00:35:50,480
Speaker 1: of the things but liked about me when we were

678
00:35:50,560 --> 00:35:53,839
Speaker 1: dating and engage is my work ethic. But at that time,

679
00:35:53,880 --> 00:35:57,040
Speaker 1: my work ethic was in regards to working for someone else.

680
00:35:57,360 --> 00:35:58,719
Speaker 1: I went to Berger King. When we first met, I

681
00:35:58,800 --> 00:36:01,600
Speaker 1: worked row my bike, never missed a day work. Then

682
00:36:01,880 --> 00:36:03,759
Speaker 1: um I worked at a daycare in a bank, and

683
00:36:03,840 --> 00:36:05,480
Speaker 1: she's like, yes, because her dad was in the army,

684
00:36:05,520 --> 00:36:07,400
Speaker 1: he never missed work, all that type of stuff. What

685
00:36:07,560 --> 00:36:10,640
Speaker 1: she wasn't expecting is that I was always ambitious and

686
00:36:10,680 --> 00:36:12,560
Speaker 1: before I met her, I had my own even at

687
00:36:12,600 --> 00:36:14,799
Speaker 1: like ten, I sold candy. I used to buy candy

688
00:36:14,880 --> 00:36:17,560
Speaker 1: on base and resell at a higher value. In my school,

689
00:36:17,800 --> 00:36:22,800
Speaker 1: face was ghost candy industry, so I was a ghost

690
00:36:22,880 --> 00:36:24,680
Speaker 1: and then I had a lot more business. So I

691
00:36:24,760 --> 00:36:26,640
Speaker 1: always was like, I'm not gonna work for the man forever.

692
00:36:26,760 --> 00:36:30,560
Speaker 1: But I never told her that, yeah for real, for real.

693
00:36:31,080 --> 00:36:34,480
Speaker 1: So once I got fired from my job, the stable job.

694
00:36:34,680 --> 00:36:36,800
Speaker 1: She was expecting me to keep that same and go

695
00:36:36,880 --> 00:36:38,800
Speaker 1: to another bank, go back to Bank America whatever. And

696
00:36:38,800 --> 00:36:40,279
Speaker 1: then I was just kind of like, I think I

697
00:36:40,320 --> 00:36:43,239
Speaker 1: want to stand. Yeah, this is a sign from God.

698
00:36:43,719 --> 00:36:47,360
Speaker 1: She's like no, no, God said go back right, and

699
00:36:47,440 --> 00:36:50,840
Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, he telling us different stuff. So

700
00:36:51,040 --> 00:36:53,160
Speaker 1: now she has to be used to a person who's

701
00:36:53,239 --> 00:36:55,920
Speaker 1: not gonna go work that regular nine five because I

702
00:36:55,960 --> 00:36:57,799
Speaker 1: did it again at Boing and I was gonna get

703
00:36:57,840 --> 00:36:59,759
Speaker 1: fired again. It was just a matter of time because

704
00:36:59,800 --> 00:37:06,200
Speaker 1: I'm my girl for your absolutely absolutely nobody can find

705
00:37:06,280 --> 00:37:08,640
Speaker 1: that often, but that type of work ethic. Nobody with

706
00:37:08,760 --> 00:37:12,920
Speaker 1: that type of work ethic gets fired that times. I didn't.

707
00:37:13,080 --> 00:37:14,560
Speaker 1: And that's what I'm pointing at him, Like, how in

708
00:37:14,640 --> 00:37:18,480
Speaker 1: the world did I missed? I see, I got, I got,

709
00:37:18,600 --> 00:37:21,520
Speaker 1: I got family does that. I'm not gonna shout them out,

710
00:37:21,960 --> 00:37:24,400
Speaker 1: but I have family who are brilliant, And I'm like,

711
00:37:24,480 --> 00:37:28,000
Speaker 1: you can't keep a job. You got eighty degrees, you're

712
00:37:28,040 --> 00:37:30,319
Speaker 1: fully focusing a healthier note. You can't keep a job

713
00:37:30,640 --> 00:37:32,160
Speaker 1: as you don't want to do that, Like I never

714
00:37:32,280 --> 00:37:34,200
Speaker 1: really wanted to do that. I just didn't see no option.

715
00:37:34,480 --> 00:37:36,120
Speaker 1: And once I saw a stand up, I'm like, ah,

716
00:37:36,239 --> 00:37:39,680
Speaker 1: here's my thing. And now that ambition was like, she's

717
00:37:39,719 --> 00:37:41,759
Speaker 1: get to see ambitious version of me. And now that

718
00:37:41,880 --> 00:37:44,879
Speaker 1: awoke in the ambitious version of her because she used

719
00:37:44,880 --> 00:37:46,960
Speaker 1: to be nine to five McGhee, I'm gonna just do that.

720
00:37:47,080 --> 00:37:49,160
Speaker 1: Now she's like, oh, I gotta do the conference, and

721
00:37:49,200 --> 00:37:50,799
Speaker 1: I got the book club and I got this book

722
00:37:51,239 --> 00:37:54,080
Speaker 1: right and these events, and now you know, our dynamic

723
00:37:54,239 --> 00:37:56,359
Speaker 1: is changing. And now, to be honest, now I gotta

724
00:37:56,400 --> 00:37:58,480
Speaker 1: deal with a different hurt. So at first in our relationship,

725
00:37:58,719 --> 00:38:00,320
Speaker 1: she stayed at home and worked. I try with this

726
00:38:00,360 --> 00:38:03,279
Speaker 1: stand up. When I came home, we cuddled with hang out.

727
00:38:03,640 --> 00:38:05,640
Speaker 1: Now she started YouTube page a couple years ago with

728
00:38:05,680 --> 00:38:08,080
Speaker 1: her home girl. Now they're making YouTube videos. I come home,

729
00:38:08,280 --> 00:38:09,640
Speaker 1: she can't even pick it up from the airport like

730
00:38:09,840 --> 00:38:12,839
Speaker 1: you can uber. I know how I feel that should

731
00:38:12,920 --> 00:38:18,480
Speaker 1: hurt the woman in the bedroom. I'm in the bedroom like, oh,

732
00:38:18,600 --> 00:38:20,960
Speaker 1: so you could just hang out with her? And now

733
00:38:21,080 --> 00:38:24,279
Speaker 1: when I come home, I love you, but stay out there,

734
00:38:24,800 --> 00:38:27,000
Speaker 1: hang out with your friends, play a little stupid game,

735
00:38:27,200 --> 00:38:29,200
Speaker 1: and when I come back, you better be happy on me.

736
00:38:29,239 --> 00:38:30,759
Speaker 1: I'm not hold on I sund like the black woman.

737
00:38:32,040 --> 00:38:34,879
Speaker 1: That's me, Bro, that's me in my house with the kids.

738
00:38:34,920 --> 00:38:37,360
Speaker 1: She walking, she walking, My clothes as a mess. I

739
00:38:37,400 --> 00:38:39,840
Speaker 1: got a head tie on, I got my arms crossed.

740
00:38:41,800 --> 00:38:44,320
Speaker 1: They're like, where where are you? She was out gallivin.

741
00:38:46,840 --> 00:38:52,720
Speaker 1: I've always gallivant fens and my little one repeats everything,

742
00:38:52,800 --> 00:38:56,279
Speaker 1: so Kyro will be like, mommy, no gallivan. She's like,

743
00:38:56,320 --> 00:38:58,239
Speaker 1: you can't tell the boys that. I'm like, it would

744
00:38:58,239 --> 00:39:01,439
Speaker 1: be nice. And that's why I love you. You keeping

745
00:39:01,480 --> 00:39:05,080
Speaker 1: the house. When k got the makeup job and you

746
00:39:05,120 --> 00:39:06,919
Speaker 1: were like happy for it, and then he was just like, god,

747
00:39:08,520 --> 00:39:12,040
Speaker 1: what you was doing was it's Bruno, Bruno. I was

748
00:39:12,080 --> 00:39:20,000
Speaker 1: going for an entire month. Oh my god, you did

749
00:39:20,040 --> 00:39:22,160
Speaker 1: another video about being at home with the kids, because

750
00:39:22,200 --> 00:39:23,759
Speaker 1: that first one went viral and it was just two.

751
00:39:23,840 --> 00:39:25,920
Speaker 1: Now you had three months. I had three and I

752
00:39:26,080 --> 00:39:29,000
Speaker 1: was by myself. I was she would come in the house.

753
00:39:29,000 --> 00:39:30,880
Speaker 1: I would just be mad. She would come out and

754
00:39:30,880 --> 00:39:35,560
Speaker 1: she was like, hey, baby, to go. I was like, don't, hey, baby,

755
00:39:35,640 --> 00:39:38,480
Speaker 1: and you ain't getting nothing to wait what that was

756
00:39:38,560 --> 00:39:40,000
Speaker 1: the one time when she was coming out be like

757
00:39:40,080 --> 00:39:43,839
Speaker 1: I'm tired and I have a headache, and he got

758
00:39:43,920 --> 00:39:48,759
Speaker 1: a headache and I'm bloated, so don't touch me. Don't

759
00:39:48,840 --> 00:39:52,320
Speaker 1: touch pretty much pretty much, so great, and i'd be

760
00:39:52,400 --> 00:39:57,960
Speaker 1: low key life. Thank god, going to sleep. We're going

761
00:39:58,040 --> 00:40:02,520
Speaker 1: to sleep. I was going through a lot of don't

762
00:40:02,600 --> 00:40:06,719
Speaker 1: judge me. I was going, guess, what's the second thing

763
00:40:06,760 --> 00:40:10,399
Speaker 1: you could give us? On top of Melissa said, you're

764
00:40:10,400 --> 00:40:12,320
Speaker 1: absolutely right. You took what I was gonna say. I

765
00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:14,840
Speaker 1: think the most important thing we learned outside of that

766
00:40:15,239 --> 00:40:18,560
Speaker 1: is to make your relationship your own. Are early, especially

767
00:40:18,640 --> 00:40:20,960
Speaker 1: my early missteps, I was I was doing marriage and

768
00:40:21,040 --> 00:40:22,960
Speaker 1: Richmond at church, listen to my pastor, listen to the

769
00:40:23,000 --> 00:40:24,880
Speaker 1: deacons and all that stuff. But then I applied. I

770
00:40:24,960 --> 00:40:28,399
Speaker 1: try to apply directly what they said directly to my wife.

771
00:40:28,640 --> 00:40:30,640
Speaker 1: But my pastor was speaking from this point of view

772
00:40:30,760 --> 00:40:34,400
Speaker 1: with his wife. So my wife, his wife was gifts.

773
00:40:34,480 --> 00:40:36,759
Speaker 1: Was her love language? This before we read the Acts

774
00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:39,320
Speaker 1: of I mean, the five love languages. So he's like,

775
00:40:39,400 --> 00:40:40,879
Speaker 1: you know, you give her a giving, you get the drugs,

776
00:40:40,920 --> 00:40:44,680
Speaker 1: then you get and the drugs. So I'm like, okay,

777
00:40:44,719 --> 00:40:46,480
Speaker 1: so I'm giving my wife gifts and I'm not getting

778
00:40:46,480 --> 00:40:49,680
Speaker 1: the drugs. Give me the gift back. He said. This

779
00:40:49,760 --> 00:40:52,400
Speaker 1: was gonna work. Buff y'all made me mad because hept

780
00:40:53,280 --> 00:40:55,280
Speaker 1: so then I realized that I was trying to speak

781
00:40:55,520 --> 00:40:58,319
Speaker 1: his wife's love language to my wife, and I had

782
00:40:58,360 --> 00:41:00,960
Speaker 1: to learn her love language and what moved her. And

783
00:41:01,080 --> 00:41:02,520
Speaker 1: then the same thing with the deacon. I was trying

784
00:41:02,520 --> 00:41:04,440
Speaker 1: to do his financial plan because that's what he did.

785
00:41:04,640 --> 00:41:06,399
Speaker 1: And then I realized, man, let me just throw all

786
00:41:06,520 --> 00:41:09,480
Speaker 1: that out. I'll take this information in and then see

787
00:41:09,520 --> 00:41:11,720
Speaker 1: what works for me and Melissa. And once we decided,

788
00:41:11,920 --> 00:41:14,880
Speaker 1: I decided for myself, I'm gonna do what works for

789
00:41:15,040 --> 00:41:17,200
Speaker 1: us and not worry about what other people think. We

790
00:41:17,239 --> 00:41:18,719
Speaker 1: all what are people are gonna say? And all that,

791
00:41:18,800 --> 00:41:21,320
Speaker 1: None of that stuff matters. All we are responsible for

792
00:41:21,480 --> 00:41:24,399
Speaker 1: is making this one relationship work. And when we threw

793
00:41:24,400 --> 00:41:27,520
Speaker 1: out everybody else's visions and thoughts and what they worked

794
00:41:27,560 --> 00:41:30,040
Speaker 1: and their expectations and throw all that out and just

795
00:41:30,160 --> 00:41:31,879
Speaker 1: was like, let's see what works for us, let's try

796
00:41:32,000 --> 00:41:34,520
Speaker 1: some things out. Then things started to go smoothly. And

797
00:41:34,640 --> 00:41:36,800
Speaker 1: that that that made so much difference in our in

798
00:41:36,880 --> 00:41:39,959
Speaker 1: our marriage. That's like a concurring theme whenever we speak

799
00:41:40,000 --> 00:41:43,480
Speaker 1: to you know, married couples. Yeah, it's like a not

800
00:41:43,640 --> 00:41:46,440
Speaker 1: judging other people's situations and doing what works for you.

801
00:41:46,719 --> 00:41:48,480
Speaker 1: That's what you're been hearing a lot lately when it

802
00:41:48,560 --> 00:41:50,759
Speaker 1: comes like that. How about legacy building with the kids.

803
00:41:50,840 --> 00:41:54,799
Speaker 1: Let's round out this third topic. We can't just round out.

804
00:41:54,920 --> 00:41:59,479
Speaker 1: Let you stop what people want to know about Mary sex.

805
00:42:00,080 --> 00:42:01,920
Speaker 1: You guys talk about your love life. It's called the

806
00:42:01,960 --> 00:42:05,879
Speaker 1: love hour bad. You've been trying to skip sex all

807
00:42:05,920 --> 00:42:08,320
Speaker 1: the time. All right, You're not gonna do that to

808
00:42:08,400 --> 00:42:11,400
Speaker 1: me today. You just so your kest talk about giving

809
00:42:11,480 --> 00:42:16,759
Speaker 1: gifts and get in the draws in the draw. How

810
00:42:16,840 --> 00:42:19,880
Speaker 1: do you guys keep your love life together because you

811
00:42:20,000 --> 00:42:23,359
Speaker 1: both travel a lot, you got two kids, Like, how

812
00:42:23,440 --> 00:42:24,880
Speaker 1: do you do it? You know, we talk about it,

813
00:42:25,120 --> 00:42:29,520
Speaker 1: talk about it has evolved over our marriage. Like there

814
00:42:29,640 --> 00:42:32,600
Speaker 1: was pre kids sex both getting to know each other.

815
00:42:33,000 --> 00:42:36,560
Speaker 1: There's post one kid sex, which is totally different sex

816
00:42:36,640 --> 00:42:38,960
Speaker 1: with the newborn. It's just like, bro, I mean, you

817
00:42:39,080 --> 00:42:42,920
Speaker 1: take what you can take it. It's third and fifteen.

818
00:42:42,960 --> 00:42:46,040
Speaker 1: You gotta check down. I just got the full We

819
00:42:46,160 --> 00:42:49,600
Speaker 1: just gotta get this Fiel position. We're hoping for a turnover.

820
00:42:49,719 --> 00:42:53,359
Speaker 1: Like listen, man, they covered everything, so there's a couple

821
00:42:53,400 --> 00:42:56,279
Speaker 1: of years of taking with you a couple of you

822
00:42:56,320 --> 00:42:58,520
Speaker 1: can get and then the kids start growing up, and

823
00:42:58,600 --> 00:43:01,040
Speaker 1: then there's as your body evolved, what you change because

824
00:43:01,080 --> 00:43:05,439
Speaker 1: we have the added uh pressure of Melissa was growing

825
00:43:05,520 --> 00:43:07,040
Speaker 1: up in the she grew up in the purity movement.

826
00:43:07,360 --> 00:43:09,480
Speaker 1: So in order to remain a virgin, everything was bad.

827
00:43:09,560 --> 00:43:11,279
Speaker 1: Sex is bad, this is bad, this is bad. This

828
00:43:11,400 --> 00:43:13,400
Speaker 1: is and then when you get married, it's like, okay,

829
00:43:13,560 --> 00:43:15,719
Speaker 1: have sex, have as much fun as you want. And

830
00:43:15,840 --> 00:43:18,160
Speaker 1: then but all those thoughts are still you know what

831
00:43:18,800 --> 00:43:21,600
Speaker 1: thought about that? Yeah, that is so true. All that

832
00:43:21,719 --> 00:43:24,200
Speaker 1: advice that was valuable the moment you say I do

833
00:43:24,480 --> 00:43:28,600
Speaker 1: if not only invaluable, it's now harmful advice. It now

834
00:43:28,760 --> 00:43:31,799
Speaker 1: counteracts everything about being free, Like you can't just flip

835
00:43:31,840 --> 00:43:37,400
Speaker 1: that switch about freedom. There's a whole because you're not

836
00:43:37,440 --> 00:43:39,600
Speaker 1: allowed to learn about yourself during that time. Don't do

837
00:43:39,760 --> 00:43:42,440
Speaker 1: don't even touch it, don't look at it, don't look

838
00:43:42,440 --> 00:43:45,080
Speaker 1: in the mirror. Let a doctor touch you. You don't

839
00:43:45,080 --> 00:43:48,640
Speaker 1: tickle yourself down there, and now be free with your

840
00:43:48,680 --> 00:43:51,759
Speaker 1: husband and and oh it's cool now liked you can't

841
00:43:51,760 --> 00:43:54,000
Speaker 1: touch yourself. Now you got that somebody else touching? What

842
00:43:54,080 --> 00:43:56,400
Speaker 1: are we doing? But hold on, this is an issue

843
00:43:56,480 --> 00:43:59,520
Speaker 1: that I've never thought about. Right. We teach our daughters

844
00:43:59,560 --> 00:44:02,799
Speaker 1: about right and don't do nothing down there, don't spoil,

845
00:44:02,840 --> 00:44:04,719
Speaker 1: don't do nothing right. But boys just go out and

846
00:44:04,760 --> 00:44:07,120
Speaker 1: show you while. So you out there having all of

847
00:44:07,160 --> 00:44:09,640
Speaker 1: this freaky fun, and then you find a wife, and

848
00:44:09,719 --> 00:44:11,279
Speaker 1: you want your wife to be able to have all

849
00:44:11,320 --> 00:44:13,640
Speaker 1: this freaky fun that she's never had because if she

850
00:44:13,800 --> 00:44:16,399
Speaker 1: was trying to be pure. How do those two people

851
00:44:16,440 --> 00:44:19,560
Speaker 1: meet in the bedroom and find joying what they're doing.

852
00:44:19,640 --> 00:44:26,239
Speaker 1: I never thought about this. I've never thought about, Yes,

853
00:44:29,480 --> 00:44:34,160
Speaker 1: let's see what you did there? How do um? Number one,

854
00:44:34,200 --> 00:44:38,160
Speaker 1: It's been an ever evolving process for me. It's the reason,

855
00:44:38,280 --> 00:44:41,080
Speaker 1: honestly we started the Love Hour because that's quite literally

856
00:44:41,120 --> 00:44:44,399
Speaker 1: my story. UM. But for me, what I have done

857
00:44:44,640 --> 00:44:48,680
Speaker 1: number one is that I have retrained and educated myself

858
00:44:48,840 --> 00:44:52,360
Speaker 1: on what it means to be a sexual being and

859
00:44:52,719 --> 00:44:55,319
Speaker 1: recognizing that God created me this way. I know I'm

860
00:44:55,360 --> 00:44:58,239
Speaker 1: real churchy, but God created me this way, and he

861
00:44:58,719 --> 00:45:01,120
Speaker 1: um designed me the way, and it was purposed by design.

862
00:45:01,160 --> 00:45:03,920
Speaker 1: That's not a mistake. I can own the fact that

863
00:45:04,000 --> 00:45:06,160
Speaker 1: I am a sexual being. And then I had to

864
00:45:06,320 --> 00:45:09,480
Speaker 1: recognize that I was brainwashed. Is the term that I use,

865
00:45:09,560 --> 00:45:13,480
Speaker 1: and I use brainwashing because I say that brainwashing is

866
00:45:13,640 --> 00:45:17,040
Speaker 1: being confronted with the truth and still holding onto the lie.

867
00:45:17,719 --> 00:45:21,080
Speaker 1: So the fact that I know better today about my sexuality,

868
00:45:21,120 --> 00:45:23,160
Speaker 1: I'm more in tune with my body, I'm a married woman,

869
00:45:23,239 --> 00:45:25,680
Speaker 1: all of those things, but I still struggle with those

870
00:45:25,760 --> 00:45:29,200
Speaker 1: old thoughts of the purity movement that residue, that shame,

871
00:45:29,320 --> 00:45:32,839
Speaker 1: that guilt, that body shaming that I learned from there,

872
00:45:32,960 --> 00:45:35,920
Speaker 1: I still struggle with today, fifteen years into my relationship.

873
00:45:36,000 --> 00:45:39,920
Speaker 1: That's brainwashing and so trying to undo those thoughts in

874
00:45:40,040 --> 00:45:43,640
Speaker 1: my mind. It's ever evolving, but I'm always educating myself

875
00:45:43,719 --> 00:45:46,799
Speaker 1: and evaluating what do I think about We just had

876
00:45:46,840 --> 00:45:49,360
Speaker 1: this conversation earlier? What do I think about this topic?

877
00:45:50,360 --> 00:45:55,320
Speaker 1: Is it? Uh? Huh? We were talking about masturbation and

878
00:45:55,520 --> 00:46:00,200
Speaker 1: so and so I go downward. I'm teaching my self

879
00:46:00,239 --> 00:46:03,319
Speaker 1: to ask myself these three questions. Is there a biblical

880
00:46:03,520 --> 00:46:07,280
Speaker 1: truth about this? Does the Bible speak on this? Because

881
00:46:07,360 --> 00:46:09,399
Speaker 1: I'm a Christian, I want to follow the Bible. Okay,

882
00:46:09,520 --> 00:46:11,200
Speaker 1: so does the Bible speak on this? Yes? Or Now?

883
00:46:11,400 --> 00:46:13,320
Speaker 1: Let's say the answer is, now, do I have a

884
00:46:13,400 --> 00:46:16,800
Speaker 1: personal conviction about this? Yes? Or now? Do I have

885
00:46:16,920 --> 00:46:20,319
Speaker 1: a personal preference with this. Once I go through all

886
00:46:20,400 --> 00:46:23,040
Speaker 1: of those questions, I have checked off the things that

887
00:46:23,080 --> 00:46:25,160
Speaker 1: are important to me. What does God say about it,

888
00:46:25,440 --> 00:46:27,319
Speaker 1: what do I say about it? And do I even

889
00:46:27,400 --> 00:46:31,760
Speaker 1: want to do it? Go through that and then forget

890
00:46:31,760 --> 00:46:35,719
Speaker 1: all the rest of y'all. I don't need all these

891
00:46:35,840 --> 00:46:39,279
Speaker 1: other opinions. In the church world, we often say that, um,

892
00:46:40,080 --> 00:46:43,399
Speaker 1: we bring in other people into our bedroom when it's porn. Well,

893
00:46:43,600 --> 00:46:45,560
Speaker 1: I just would like to submit to you on today

894
00:46:45,840 --> 00:46:49,880
Speaker 1: that when you get the opinions of other folks, you

895
00:46:50,000 --> 00:46:53,320
Speaker 1: are allowing those opinions into your your bringing other people

896
00:46:53,440 --> 00:46:57,440
Speaker 1: into your bedroom. Again, submission to me. One mission you

897
00:46:57,520 --> 00:46:59,759
Speaker 1: and I. Let's talk about what you're comfortable with. Let's

898
00:46:59,800 --> 00:47:02,319
Speaker 1: talk about your red light, your green light, your yellow light,

899
00:47:02,560 --> 00:47:04,839
Speaker 1: what you want to. Let me talk about what mine are,

900
00:47:04,960 --> 00:47:06,719
Speaker 1: and let's come to an agreement on what we are

901
00:47:06,760 --> 00:47:09,120
Speaker 1: going to do together. I don't care now nothing about

902
00:47:09,680 --> 00:47:11,120
Speaker 1: with all of these other because the other day I

903
00:47:11,239 --> 00:47:12,680
Speaker 1: had a yellow light for a couple of years and

904
00:47:12,680 --> 00:47:14,120
Speaker 1: then it became a red light with something he did

905
00:47:14,200 --> 00:47:15,600
Speaker 1: to me, and I was like, it's a red light now,

906
00:47:16,560 --> 00:47:23,400
Speaker 1: all right now? I was like he was always kind

907
00:47:23,400 --> 00:47:32,680
Speaker 1: of yellow yellow, it's just red. So I don't do

908
00:47:32,760 --> 00:47:34,800
Speaker 1: that no more. And I think and the thing about

909
00:47:34,840 --> 00:47:37,440
Speaker 1: that devil has to honor that because if he doesn't,

910
00:47:37,719 --> 00:47:41,680
Speaker 1: you lose trust in your relationship. Trust. Then now the

911
00:47:41,719 --> 00:47:45,000
Speaker 1: stuff that was green is now yellow. And then everything

912
00:47:45,080 --> 00:47:48,840
Speaker 1: that was yellow long yellow. You know everything, and you

913
00:47:48,960 --> 00:47:53,160
Speaker 1: got to really just understand that, um, what matters to you,

914
00:47:53,320 --> 00:47:55,120
Speaker 1: to all is all that matters, and it's I love

915
00:47:55,200 --> 00:47:57,480
Speaker 1: that something that was yellow is now red and something

916
00:47:57,520 --> 00:48:00,040
Speaker 1: that's yellow could also be a green, and it's average it.

917
00:48:00,120 --> 00:48:02,239
Speaker 1: And that's why you have we used this analogy. You

918
00:48:02,320 --> 00:48:05,439
Speaker 1: guys have iPhone. Guys blessed you. So when you're using

919
00:48:05,480 --> 00:48:09,600
Speaker 1: an iPhone, that's a it's a lot like right. So

920
00:48:09,760 --> 00:48:12,920
Speaker 1: when you have an iPhone, you get updates throughout the

921
00:48:13,040 --> 00:48:15,400
Speaker 1: year ten point oh to ten point one, and then

922
00:48:15,440 --> 00:48:17,160
Speaker 1: they tell you, okay, these things are changing. This is

923
00:48:17,200 --> 00:48:19,000
Speaker 1: how you do this. Okay, cool, got It's gonna take

924
00:48:19,000 --> 00:48:20,880
Speaker 1: a little time to get used to that. And then

925
00:48:20,960 --> 00:48:23,640
Speaker 1: sometimes it goes from ten to eleven and it's a

926
00:48:23,760 --> 00:48:27,320
Speaker 1: huge update. And in your marriage, you are always learning

927
00:48:27,360 --> 00:48:30,640
Speaker 1: about that update. So what used to be cool ain't

928
00:48:30,640 --> 00:48:32,640
Speaker 1: cool no more. The way I used to feel about you.

929
00:48:33,320 --> 00:48:34,800
Speaker 1: I don't feel that way about more the way I

930
00:48:34,920 --> 00:48:37,040
Speaker 1: used to feel like the one that's was crazy. Melissa

931
00:48:37,120 --> 00:48:39,719
Speaker 1: had to change in herself. She was saying she used

932
00:48:39,719 --> 00:48:42,000
Speaker 1: to be very vocal and and this and that, and

933
00:48:42,040 --> 00:48:43,480
Speaker 1: then when she got married, she felt like she had

934
00:48:43,480 --> 00:48:44,560
Speaker 1: to submit and she didn't know how to do that,

935
00:48:44,640 --> 00:48:47,399
Speaker 1: so she just muted herself down. And then late last

936
00:48:47,480 --> 00:48:49,360
Speaker 1: year she decided, I'm about to get back to the

937
00:48:49,400 --> 00:48:51,680
Speaker 1: old me where I feel, you know, I feel confident

938
00:48:51,760 --> 00:48:53,719
Speaker 1: to stand up for what I believe. People. She was

939
00:48:53,719 --> 00:49:02,080
Speaker 1: talking about that you love me and keV as much

940
00:49:02,160 --> 00:49:08,359
Speaker 1: as y'all love mind she was ridiculous in the thought,

941
00:49:08,520 --> 00:49:11,960
Speaker 1: and she said, is a bigger corporation Disney, And she

942
00:49:12,120 --> 00:49:15,040
Speaker 1: came back like I was tripping when she did that

943
00:49:15,440 --> 00:49:18,160
Speaker 1: and herself. That now affected me because she had let

944
00:49:18,480 --> 00:49:20,120
Speaker 1: my ego like she let me get away with saying

945
00:49:20,120 --> 00:49:23,000
Speaker 1: stuff her that bothered her and she wouldn't check me

946
00:49:23,080 --> 00:49:24,759
Speaker 1: on it. Now she checking me left and right. And

947
00:49:24,800 --> 00:49:26,759
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, listen, I get this the new you,

948
00:49:27,239 --> 00:49:29,239
Speaker 1: But is there a nicer way you can say that?

949
00:49:29,719 --> 00:49:33,840
Speaker 1: Because first of all, respect me both. Let me let

950
00:49:33,880 --> 00:49:35,839
Speaker 1: me tell you something sometimes I have had to kind

951
00:49:35,880 --> 00:49:38,000
Speaker 1: of stand up, like you see this bear right said,

952
00:49:38,000 --> 00:49:40,920
Speaker 1: I would shave this bed off tomorrow if you don't

953
00:49:40,960 --> 00:49:44,960
Speaker 1: watch your tone. I would love to say, because when

954
00:49:45,000 --> 00:49:47,040
Speaker 1: they go through that, and they go through that, you know,

955
00:49:47,120 --> 00:49:49,160
Speaker 1: I'm a woman now I'm gonna speak up. So and

956
00:49:49,200 --> 00:49:51,279
Speaker 1: I told her to listen baby. Sometimes you know you

957
00:49:51,320 --> 00:49:54,319
Speaker 1: speak to me like I'm a boy down and I'm

958
00:49:54,360 --> 00:50:01,080
Speaker 1: not gonna taken respect sometimes more than love. Yes, And

959
00:50:01,160 --> 00:50:03,800
Speaker 1: they'd be like, Okay, first of all, don't disrespect me.

960
00:50:03,840 --> 00:50:07,800
Speaker 1: And I'm cool with your change. I cool with, but

961
00:50:07,920 --> 00:50:12,440
Speaker 1: don't disrespect. Yeah. So I think that was an important

962
00:50:12,480 --> 00:50:15,239
Speaker 1: thing for us, and it's people assume that at this

963
00:50:15,360 --> 00:50:18,879
Speaker 1: point our marriage, it's coasting. Of course, man, I put

964
00:50:18,960 --> 00:50:21,600
Speaker 1: in the over the last six seven months with this

965
00:50:21,680 --> 00:50:25,160
Speaker 1: big change, I feel like I'm working much harder on

966
00:50:25,360 --> 00:50:28,239
Speaker 1: loving this version of her. As a married person, you're

967
00:50:28,239 --> 00:50:31,200
Speaker 1: responsible for loving the current version of your spouse at

968
00:50:31,200 --> 00:50:36,400
Speaker 1: all times. Know that's the vowe. Knowing them, watching their changes,

969
00:50:36,440 --> 00:50:38,840
Speaker 1: they're they're ups, there, downs their changes, and I gotta

970
00:50:38,920 --> 00:50:42,560
Speaker 1: learn to the vowel bro sickness and health rich through

971
00:50:42,600 --> 00:50:47,280
Speaker 1: all the changes, loving yes. And some of these versions

972
00:50:47,280 --> 00:50:50,399
Speaker 1: are tough, like bro. This new version of I would

973
00:50:50,400 --> 00:50:52,480
Speaker 1: say what I want like and everybody sees it's her

974
00:50:52,640 --> 00:50:55,680
Speaker 1: in her interactions with everyone, not just me. So I've

975
00:50:55,680 --> 00:50:58,000
Speaker 1: got to learned and some changes are Sometimes you're out

976
00:50:58,080 --> 00:51:00,560
Speaker 1: your phone changes it's like, man, I don't know nothing

977
00:51:00,760 --> 00:51:02,640
Speaker 1: is and you'd be looking at the same person and

978
00:51:02,680 --> 00:51:06,120
Speaker 1: be like, I don't even recognize you. Like this, it

979
00:51:06,239 --> 00:51:08,759
Speaker 1: is analogy, and it's good to have this conversation with

980
00:51:08,840 --> 00:51:11,000
Speaker 1: other married people who've been married a long time, because

981
00:51:11,239 --> 00:51:14,040
Speaker 1: when you're married, sometimes you feel like I'm the only

982
00:51:14,160 --> 00:51:17,080
Speaker 1: married person going through this, you know, you feel like

983
00:51:17,160 --> 00:51:19,000
Speaker 1: you're the only married couple, and you're like, what's wrong

984
00:51:19,000 --> 00:51:21,560
Speaker 1: with my marriage with I feel like it's such hard work.

985
00:51:21,600 --> 00:51:23,360
Speaker 1: And I hear people say all the time love shouldn't

986
00:51:23,360 --> 00:51:28,360
Speaker 1: be that much harder your kids and how much it

987
00:51:28,440 --> 00:51:31,080
Speaker 1: work that is to wipe their but why is their

988
00:51:31,160 --> 00:51:33,440
Speaker 1: p fee them? We're going be like, that's love and

989
00:51:33,600 --> 00:51:36,960
Speaker 1: unconditional love and unconditional and your kids can't do nothing

990
00:51:37,040 --> 00:51:39,319
Speaker 1: for you. At least my wife can do stuff fun.

991
00:51:41,960 --> 00:51:44,480
Speaker 1: They can't do nothing value to your life. And I

992
00:51:44,560 --> 00:51:46,960
Speaker 1: feel like that's what people misunderstand. They feel like the

993
00:51:47,080 --> 00:51:49,759
Speaker 1: longer y'all get the easier should be. And actually for

994
00:51:49,880 --> 00:51:52,279
Speaker 1: us it's been the inverse. Our marriage. We didn't know

995
00:51:52,280 --> 00:51:54,960
Speaker 1: anything like this is cool. But as we start evolving,

996
00:51:55,000 --> 00:51:57,160
Speaker 1: because the thing is, people get married thirty five, they're

997
00:51:57,200 --> 00:51:59,399
Speaker 1: more developed. Yes, they know who they are and things

998
00:51:59,440 --> 00:52:01,319
Speaker 1: like that, they might to be making as many big

999
00:52:01,480 --> 00:52:04,759
Speaker 1: changes years a lot. We hadn't had no kids yet

1000
00:52:04,800 --> 00:52:07,279
Speaker 1: we didn't and and the thing is crazy, like when

1001
00:52:07,320 --> 00:52:09,640
Speaker 1: you have a kid, you expect to change, but when

1002
00:52:09,680 --> 00:52:12,040
Speaker 1: you have an internal change that you don't see coming.

1003
00:52:12,320 --> 00:52:14,359
Speaker 1: So this last update of Melissa, she you know, at

1004
00:52:14,400 --> 00:52:17,719
Speaker 1: least we are something. You get the hey, we're gonna

1005
00:52:17,719 --> 00:52:19,759
Speaker 1: be making some changes. Here's what you can expect. She

1006
00:52:19,800 --> 00:52:22,040
Speaker 1: didn't even tell me about this. I'm like, man, this

1007
00:52:23,360 --> 00:52:26,080
Speaker 1: she'd been tripping lately. I'm just talking to myself, like, bro,

1008
00:52:26,160 --> 00:52:28,360
Speaker 1: does it feel like she's been tripping lately. So it

1009
00:52:28,440 --> 00:52:30,480
Speaker 1: took us months for her to even explain to me

1010
00:52:30,600 --> 00:52:33,080
Speaker 1: what she was going through. And now I'm like, okay,

1011
00:52:33,160 --> 00:52:35,520
Speaker 1: now things start to make sense. Because it's not as

1012
00:52:35,640 --> 00:52:38,040
Speaker 1: easy as sending the email. Sometimes you don't even aware

1013
00:52:38,040 --> 00:52:41,080
Speaker 1: of how that looks outside of you. When you're making

1014
00:52:41,120 --> 00:52:42,719
Speaker 1: that change, you don't even see it all the time.

1015
00:52:42,800 --> 00:52:44,239
Speaker 1: You know what I've discovered by bad, but you know

1016
00:52:44,239 --> 00:52:47,400
Speaker 1: what I discovered through this conversation. And it's kind of

1017
00:52:47,560 --> 00:52:49,160
Speaker 1: this is running into our listener letters, but I really

1018
00:52:49,160 --> 00:52:51,480
Speaker 1: don't care because the conversation is so good. But um,

1019
00:52:52,320 --> 00:52:56,080
Speaker 1: as women, right, we always tell our women from young

1020
00:52:56,160 --> 00:52:58,759
Speaker 1: that you always have to conform to the man you're

1021
00:52:58,800 --> 00:53:00,800
Speaker 1: gonna be with. Right, so in so many ways you

1022
00:53:00,840 --> 00:53:02,480
Speaker 1: have to suppress who you are. Then it comes in

1023
00:53:02,560 --> 00:53:05,160
Speaker 1: awakening at some point in the marriage where it's like,

1024
00:53:05,160 --> 00:53:08,200
Speaker 1: I'm not doing that anymore. And so many marriages struggle

1025
00:53:08,760 --> 00:53:12,319
Speaker 1: because you've been trying to suppress who you really want

1026
00:53:12,360 --> 00:53:14,279
Speaker 1: to be, and you want to suppress who you want

1027
00:53:14,280 --> 00:53:16,239
Speaker 1: to be so that I can love you, and I

1028
00:53:16,280 --> 00:53:17,839
Speaker 1: finally when you say I'm not doing this no more,

1029
00:53:17,840 --> 00:53:20,040
Speaker 1: and you become a natural self. Now we as men

1030
00:53:20,120 --> 00:53:22,759
Speaker 1: have to readjust to who you really want to be. Yo.

1031
00:53:22,880 --> 00:53:30,360
Speaker 1: That happens listening to you, listening to you, that reminds

1032
00:53:30,440 --> 00:53:33,680
Speaker 1: me of us. Reminds there was a point where she

1033
00:53:33,840 --> 00:53:35,120
Speaker 1: was like, I'm going to do this and do this

1034
00:53:35,280 --> 00:53:36,880
Speaker 1: and do that with my my career. I don't want

1035
00:53:36,920 --> 00:53:39,160
Speaker 1: to act. I'm gonna be a wife. And then she's

1036
00:53:39,200 --> 00:53:41,960
Speaker 1: just like, but I love performance, I love acting. And

1037
00:53:42,000 --> 00:53:45,160
Speaker 1: then for me, I was just like right, and I

1038
00:53:45,320 --> 00:53:46,719
Speaker 1: was just like, well, I didn't I didn't sign up

1039
00:53:46,719 --> 00:53:48,480
Speaker 1: for that. I told you from the beginning that I

1040
00:53:48,560 --> 00:53:50,560
Speaker 1: wanted to be an actor. I told you, I told

1041
00:53:50,600 --> 00:53:51,960
Speaker 1: you I wanted to be a sex symbol. I told

1042
00:53:52,000 --> 00:53:55,040
Speaker 1: you I want to this. So I told her, I said, hey,

1043
00:53:55,080 --> 00:53:57,160
Speaker 1: if you are marrying me, to understand that I want

1044
00:53:57,160 --> 00:53:59,400
Speaker 1: to be bigger than will Smith. So I want to

1045
00:53:59,440 --> 00:54:01,759
Speaker 1: do I want to save the world from alien invasions.

1046
00:54:02,160 --> 00:54:09,160
Speaker 1: I want to be I want to do that. She knows,

1047
00:54:09,200 --> 00:54:12,800
Speaker 1: That's how she knows. So I told her that. But

1048
00:54:12,880 --> 00:54:16,000
Speaker 1: we as men were allowed to be free what we

1049
00:54:16,080 --> 00:54:17,839
Speaker 1: want to do. That's what I want to do. For her.

1050
00:54:17,880 --> 00:54:19,279
Speaker 1: I was like, okay, baby, about just do whatever it

1051
00:54:19,400 --> 00:54:22,080
Speaker 1: is you need me. Now She's like, no, I was

1052
00:54:22,160 --> 00:54:25,879
Speaker 1: gonna say that the house. Yes, I was actually gonna

1053
00:54:25,920 --> 00:54:28,000
Speaker 1: say that would be because number three, I would say,

1054
00:54:28,040 --> 00:54:33,240
Speaker 1: number three, don't sacrifice yourself for the um for your spouse.

1055
00:54:33,640 --> 00:54:38,200
Speaker 1: Don't sacrifice and lose yourself for the uplifting for your

1056
00:54:38,200 --> 00:54:40,600
Speaker 1: spouse is maybe a better way to say, don't meet yourself.

1057
00:54:40,640 --> 00:54:43,360
Speaker 1: I call it taking up all of your space forever.

1058
00:54:44,040 --> 00:54:46,360
Speaker 1: I didn't take up all of the space that is, Melissa.

1059
00:54:47,040 --> 00:54:50,800
Speaker 1: I was shrinking, trying to ensure that he was okay.

1060
00:54:51,520 --> 00:54:53,960
Speaker 1: And one day you need to start hurting because I

1061
00:54:55,400 --> 00:55:00,200
Speaker 1: don't have me every day. Just please get to this

1062
00:55:00,280 --> 00:55:10,320
Speaker 1: woman's knees. Out of that you want that. Old videos

1063
00:55:11,040 --> 00:55:12,800
Speaker 1: do not hold up like that. But you know, I

1064
00:55:12,920 --> 00:55:14,480
Speaker 1: have a couple of friends who are single in their

1065
00:55:14,520 --> 00:55:17,640
Speaker 1: thirties right, and they find it very difficult to now

1066
00:55:17,800 --> 00:55:21,080
Speaker 1: find someone, you know, the dating scene and whatnot. Whereas

1067
00:55:21,160 --> 00:55:24,120
Speaker 1: couples who are you know, younger in their twenties their

1068
00:55:24,200 --> 00:55:26,000
Speaker 1: dating and they're doing well and they're on their path,

1069
00:55:26,960 --> 00:55:29,400
Speaker 1: and it's a struggle because I think you said by

1070
00:55:29,480 --> 00:55:32,560
Speaker 1: thirty five, you're already set in your ways, and it's

1071
00:55:32,640 --> 00:55:35,640
Speaker 1: harder to find somebody when you're setting your ways because

1072
00:55:35,680 --> 00:55:39,880
Speaker 1: there's not that willingness to kind of bend with valuable anymore.

1073
00:55:40,120 --> 00:55:41,560
Speaker 1: Like I don't even know if I want to make

1074
00:55:41,640 --> 00:55:43,920
Speaker 1: that much. That's why there's pros and cons. I mean,

1075
00:55:43,960 --> 00:55:46,520
Speaker 1: I feel like when you're young, the beautiful thing about

1076
00:55:46,560 --> 00:55:48,680
Speaker 1: being young and married is that you get to grow

1077
00:55:48,880 --> 00:55:53,360
Speaker 1: and evolve together together. Yeah, you know we do have

1078
00:55:53,520 --> 00:55:55,920
Speaker 1: very similar stories as you're talking more, but you're right.

1079
00:55:55,960 --> 00:55:58,640
Speaker 1: As you get in your the older you get, the

1080
00:55:58,680 --> 00:56:05,800
Speaker 1: more established you because yeahships and stuff. So I wouldn't

1081
00:56:05,800 --> 00:56:07,080
Speaker 1: want to be on a date and scene right now.

1082
00:56:10,239 --> 00:56:13,200
Speaker 1: I am not, but I will tell you this. The

1083
00:56:13,360 --> 00:56:14,960
Speaker 1: one thing I have learned also from listening to you

1084
00:56:15,000 --> 00:56:17,960
Speaker 1: guys today about the whole um, the sexuality thing and

1085
00:56:18,040 --> 00:56:20,440
Speaker 1: women being allowed to embrace their sexuality. I think it

1086
00:56:20,480 --> 00:56:22,479
Speaker 1: will be easier for a woman to be a wife

1087
00:56:23,040 --> 00:56:26,200
Speaker 1: if she's embraced her sexuality earlier and then be willing

1088
00:56:26,239 --> 00:56:28,520
Speaker 1: to give into her husband, as opposed to being shamed

1089
00:56:28,560 --> 00:56:31,080
Speaker 1: her whole life and now I got to openly give myself.

1090
00:56:31,280 --> 00:56:32,839
Speaker 1: I think now in this day and age, it would

1091
00:56:32,880 --> 00:56:35,880
Speaker 1: be easier for men and women to agree in that

1092
00:56:36,000 --> 00:56:39,120
Speaker 1: aspect of marriage, But in other aspects it seems a

1093
00:56:39,200 --> 00:56:43,120
Speaker 1: lot harder because you know, women, women are not the

1094
00:56:43,200 --> 00:56:44,719
Speaker 1: scene seen as the same way as they were when

1095
00:56:44,760 --> 00:56:46,960
Speaker 1: we were growing up. It was always like you were

1096
00:56:47,000 --> 00:56:49,959
Speaker 1: a accessory to a man. And that's not the case,

1097
00:56:50,160 --> 00:56:54,360
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, And exactly a lot of splace.

1098
00:56:54,400 --> 00:56:58,839
Speaker 1: I don't got no women in my closett. She got

1099
00:56:58,920 --> 00:57:01,279
Speaker 1: to even have my clothes in our room. Well, listen,

1100
00:57:01,320 --> 00:57:03,359
Speaker 1: took up so much, man, I got to go into

1101
00:57:03,440 --> 00:57:07,200
Speaker 1: other room. Piece of that closet. She got multiple closets,

1102
00:57:07,480 --> 00:57:11,560
Speaker 1: our bedroom, the living room closet, the backroom, office closet. Man,

1103
00:57:12,200 --> 00:57:18,720
Speaker 1: the same person persons, we need you, Oh my god,

1104
00:57:18,800 --> 00:57:20,760
Speaker 1: so we have to come. I mean, y'all keep coming

1105
00:57:20,760 --> 00:57:24,480
Speaker 1: back and keep coming back. We have different topics. We're

1106
00:57:24,480 --> 00:57:27,320
Speaker 1: talking vows and marriage today. We can talk kids another day.

1107
00:57:28,160 --> 00:57:31,720
Speaker 1: You know, you can talk to absolutely being married. In

1108
00:57:31,760 --> 00:57:35,800
Speaker 1: the industry, you guys stick around and listen to this,

1109
00:57:36,880 --> 00:57:38,560
Speaker 1: because they'd be like, here are two cents. Now we

1110
00:57:38,640 --> 00:57:42,600
Speaker 1: got two four six. We got so when it was

1111
00:57:42,720 --> 00:57:44,480
Speaker 1: just us to it was two cents. But now it's

1112
00:57:44,600 --> 00:57:50,880
Speaker 1: for explain to me how that works. Were just mad sense.

1113
00:57:51,400 --> 00:57:58,160
Speaker 1: We'll be back with these cents after these ads. This

1114
00:57:58,360 --> 00:58:03,360
Speaker 1: for the record. There it is a wind for the ages.

1115
00:58:05,280 --> 00:58:09,200
Speaker 1: Tiger Woods is one of our most inspiring sports icons.

1116
00:58:09,680 --> 00:58:13,280
Speaker 1: In his story, it comes with many chapters. I am

1117
00:58:13,400 --> 00:58:18,640
Speaker 1: deeply sorry from my irresponsible and selfish behavior, but here

1118
00:58:18,680 --> 00:58:26,520
Speaker 1: it is the return to glory. This is All American,

1119
00:58:27,040 --> 00:58:30,480
Speaker 1: a new series from Stitcher, hosted by me Jordan Bell.

1120
00:58:31,000 --> 00:58:33,240
Speaker 1: You realized Tiger Woos doesn't know who he is best

1121
00:58:33,880 --> 00:58:36,560
Speaker 1: in the history of Gaul, no question in my mind.

1122
00:58:38,360 --> 00:58:40,960
Speaker 1: And this season, with the help of journalist Albert Chen,

1123
00:58:41,840 --> 00:58:45,680
Speaker 1: we're asking what if the story of Tiger Woods that

1124
00:58:45,800 --> 00:58:50,840
Speaker 1: the media has been telling, what if it's been completely wrong?

1125
00:58:51,480 --> 00:58:54,840
Speaker 1: All American Tiger is out now listen in Stitcher, Apple

1126
00:58:54,920 --> 00:59:02,760
Speaker 1: Podcasts or your favorite podcast app. All right, y'all, So okay, Melissa.

1127
00:59:02,960 --> 00:59:05,440
Speaker 1: People write in all the time asking us all sorts

1128
00:59:05,520 --> 00:59:07,720
Speaker 1: of things. So we pull listener letters, which happens to

1129
00:59:07,760 --> 00:59:12,320
Speaker 1: be one of my favorite parts of the show. Anyone

1130
00:59:12,360 --> 00:59:14,640
Speaker 1: to know what's going on out there. So, um, if

1131
00:59:14,720 --> 00:59:17,760
Speaker 1: y'all don't mind, we're gonna read listeners. See what advice

1132
00:59:17,840 --> 00:59:19,680
Speaker 1: we can give these folks out here. All right, So

1133
00:59:19,800 --> 00:59:22,320
Speaker 1: the first one is I'm in a long term, committed

1134
00:59:22,360 --> 00:59:25,480
Speaker 1: relationship of seven years. We have two children. Both of

1135
00:59:25,600 --> 00:59:29,040
Speaker 1: us have great careers and are very family oriented. Within

1136
00:59:29,160 --> 00:59:31,640
Speaker 1: the last six to seven months of our relationship, our

1137
00:59:31,680 --> 00:59:35,080
Speaker 1: sex life has declined, and that was in bold declined.

1138
00:59:35,920 --> 00:59:38,280
Speaker 1: I'd take into consideration that his job is very strenuous

1139
00:59:38,320 --> 00:59:40,960
Speaker 1: and he works long hours at an oil refinery operator.

1140
00:59:41,600 --> 00:59:44,560
Speaker 1: I've brought the issue up on multiple occasions. I've even asked,

1141
00:59:44,680 --> 00:59:47,160
Speaker 1: is it me or something that I'm doing that's not

1142
00:59:47,280 --> 00:59:49,960
Speaker 1: turning you on? He says, no, I'm just tired, but

1143
00:59:50,160 --> 00:59:55,000
Speaker 1: sex twice a month is really pushing it. Yikes. Nothing

1144
00:59:55,160 --> 00:59:57,680
Speaker 1: has changed in any other area of our relationships, so

1145
00:59:57,720 --> 01:00:00,440
Speaker 1: I don't think it's anyone else. I've never cheated. My

1146
01:00:00,520 --> 01:00:05,200
Speaker 1: main concern is if I decided to cheat, I think

1147
01:00:05,240 --> 01:00:08,320
Speaker 1: it will be emotionally attached, or I will be emotionally

1148
01:00:08,320 --> 01:00:11,520
Speaker 1: attached because it's something I'm not getting from home. To

1149
01:00:11,680 --> 01:00:14,919
Speaker 1: cheat or not to cheat is the questions, These type

1150
01:00:14,920 --> 01:00:22,840
Speaker 1: of questions we get millennial married ellis like, like somebody

1151
01:00:22,880 --> 01:00:27,280
Speaker 1: really gonna be like, yeah, girl for it. I just

1152
01:00:27,360 --> 01:00:28,640
Speaker 1: have a couple of questions. The first thing, I wonder

1153
01:00:28,680 --> 01:00:31,080
Speaker 1: how old they are. If it's sex, like it's just sex,

1154
01:00:31,480 --> 01:00:33,400
Speaker 1: you know, it could be declining his drive It sex

1155
01:00:33,480 --> 01:00:37,360
Speaker 1: drive could be declining healthy words. In the oil refinery,

1156
01:00:37,480 --> 01:00:39,480
Speaker 1: there's a lot of things and factors that could affect

1157
01:00:39,720 --> 01:00:43,600
Speaker 1: a man's sex drive. Is is she still attractive? Is

1158
01:00:43,640 --> 01:00:46,440
Speaker 1: she taking care of herself? Like? These things affect your

1159
01:00:46,480 --> 01:00:48,840
Speaker 1: sex life when both of them he not working out?

1160
01:00:48,920 --> 01:00:51,120
Speaker 1: He in the on refinery heat tired, she's not working

1161
01:00:51,160 --> 01:00:53,000
Speaker 1: out like they don't, you know, like right, I mean,

1162
01:00:53,040 --> 01:00:56,000
Speaker 1: I would never advise anybody just go out there and cheat. No, no,

1163
01:00:56,280 --> 01:00:58,920
Speaker 1: I don't think, yeah, you know what, cheat on him,

1164
01:00:59,280 --> 01:01:10,080
Speaker 1: chain on that cheap multiple. You know. Um, I totally

1165
01:01:10,080 --> 01:01:12,919
Speaker 1: agree with you that I feel like Um, it could

1166
01:01:13,160 --> 01:01:15,439
Speaker 1: be something as simple as work and how you feel

1167
01:01:15,440 --> 01:01:17,400
Speaker 1: about yourself. It could be like a this. It could

1168
01:01:17,440 --> 01:01:20,080
Speaker 1: be a dislike of your job, it could be a

1169
01:01:20,160 --> 01:01:22,760
Speaker 1: dislike of where your life is, and that could make

1170
01:01:22,800 --> 01:01:25,480
Speaker 1: you feel undesirable to her. There's a lot of different

1171
01:01:25,560 --> 01:01:28,600
Speaker 1: factors that it's difficult to gauge which is the one,

1172
01:01:28,680 --> 01:01:31,640
Speaker 1: and a lot of times it's not just one concrete things.

1173
01:01:31,920 --> 01:01:34,240
Speaker 1: And sometimes people don't even know what the you know,

1174
01:01:34,280 --> 01:01:36,040
Speaker 1: the mitigating factors are for themselves, so he might not

1175
01:01:36,120 --> 01:01:37,880
Speaker 1: even be able to point to it, you know. And

1176
01:01:38,000 --> 01:01:40,000
Speaker 1: sometimes like you said, hey, one of our boys, um

1177
01:01:40,800 --> 01:01:44,000
Speaker 1: Tony Baker. Early in marriage he was high desire. Later

1178
01:01:44,080 --> 01:01:45,880
Speaker 1: in life he like he was singing for a wise,

1179
01:01:46,200 --> 01:01:48,440
Speaker 1: I don't really be needing like that, you know. So

1180
01:01:48,560 --> 01:01:51,840
Speaker 1: there is the evolution of biology and changing men go

1181
01:01:51,960 --> 01:01:54,920
Speaker 1: through that. I don't think and realize that sometimes your

1182
01:01:54,960 --> 01:01:57,520
Speaker 1: desire is not you. Sometimes he's just going through something. Yeah,

1183
01:01:57,560 --> 01:02:02,680
Speaker 1: we're not explaining anything. I'm gonna agree with you. Well,

1184
01:02:03,240 --> 01:02:07,280
Speaker 1: you see it, right, the beard grows, so do other

1185
01:02:07,560 --> 01:02:14,760
Speaker 1: things you wanted the beard? What comes. I can't imagine

1186
01:02:14,800 --> 01:02:17,160
Speaker 1: myself personally feeling like that, But also I don't know

1187
01:02:17,280 --> 01:02:19,640
Speaker 1: myself in ten years. You don't know what you. I

1188
01:02:19,680 --> 01:02:22,000
Speaker 1: can't imagine my life now, and this is what I

1189
01:02:22,120 --> 01:02:24,440
Speaker 1: was dreaming for, and now that it's coming to fruition,

1190
01:02:24,480 --> 01:02:26,800
Speaker 1: I still can't believe it. You know, it's it's tough

1191
01:02:26,880 --> 01:02:29,720
Speaker 1: to say, um, but sex twice a month. I think

1192
01:02:29,760 --> 01:02:33,400
Speaker 1: it's a conversation where a lot of times people don't

1193
01:02:33,600 --> 01:02:36,800
Speaker 1: share explicitly how that makes me feel. When we don't

1194
01:02:36,840 --> 01:02:39,040
Speaker 1: have sex, I don't feel connected to you, and I

1195
01:02:39,040 --> 01:02:41,120
Speaker 1: don't feel connected to you. It makes my mind start

1196
01:02:41,200 --> 01:02:44,600
Speaker 1: to wonder about us, about my desirability to you. It

1197
01:02:44,680 --> 01:02:47,160
Speaker 1: makes my mind wandered to other things, and then I

1198
01:02:47,600 --> 01:02:49,680
Speaker 1: don't want to feel that way. So and maybe your

1199
01:02:49,680 --> 01:02:52,880
Speaker 1: spouse doesn't even realize that it's having that effect. We've

1200
01:02:52,920 --> 01:02:55,720
Speaker 1: had that conversation to and I actually where he felt

1201
01:02:55,760 --> 01:02:57,720
Speaker 1: like he wasn't getting enough at whatever time, and he

1202
01:02:57,800 --> 01:03:00,760
Speaker 1: has said, yo, I'm thinking about other people like I

1203
01:03:00,880 --> 01:03:07,080
Speaker 1: am rejection, rejection from your wife straight and I'm gonna

1204
01:03:07,080 --> 01:03:08,320
Speaker 1: tell you I told me list of the straight up

1205
01:03:08,320 --> 01:03:10,000
Speaker 1: earner amerage, and I probably wouldn't word it this way

1206
01:03:10,040 --> 01:03:12,720
Speaker 1: ever again, but I'm like, look, man, I don't get

1207
01:03:12,720 --> 01:03:15,440
Speaker 1: to have sex with nobody else. You're not giving it

1208
01:03:15,520 --> 01:03:18,280
Speaker 1: to me. And these girls at the they're looking at

1209
01:03:18,360 --> 01:03:23,280
Speaker 1: your boy. So I gotta go to let me explain

1210
01:03:23,320 --> 01:03:25,200
Speaker 1: something to you. Bro, Let me explain something to you.

1211
01:03:25,280 --> 01:03:28,800
Speaker 1: Did you'll see my eyes? I told Okay, I said, listen,

1212
01:03:28,880 --> 01:03:32,160
Speaker 1: I'm a professional athlete. I want to have sex with you,

1213
01:03:32,480 --> 01:03:34,720
Speaker 1: and you're gonna tell me no. And I gotta go

1214
01:03:34,760 --> 01:03:36,440
Speaker 1: out here. And these chicks know who I am. I

1215
01:03:36,520 --> 01:03:38,080
Speaker 1: walking on the mall. You just want me to tell

1216
01:03:38,120 --> 01:03:42,600
Speaker 1: them no? Come home to hear no from you. I

1217
01:03:42,680 --> 01:03:45,560
Speaker 1: was just working in the bank. But I understand where

1218
01:03:45,560 --> 01:03:48,280
Speaker 1: you're coming from, because to us as men, it feel

1219
01:03:48,320 --> 01:03:51,360
Speaker 1: like it's not fair. You just feel like it's trying,

1220
01:03:51,400 --> 01:03:53,720
Speaker 1: and you're not even you're not even helping me. You

1221
01:03:53,880 --> 01:03:56,920
Speaker 1: out here, you're you're making it harder. You gotta make

1222
01:03:56,960 --> 01:03:59,240
Speaker 1: it easier. I mean, again, I wouldn't word it that

1223
01:03:59,280 --> 01:04:02,800
Speaker 1: way there's the truth to that honesty of like the

1224
01:04:02,840 --> 01:04:07,360
Speaker 1: brutal that gakes you to the core. On top of that,

1225
01:04:07,960 --> 01:04:10,880
Speaker 1: ya both attractive women. Yeah, you expect me to come

1226
01:04:10,960 --> 01:04:14,560
Speaker 1: home look at you in all your fineness. And then

1227
01:04:14,720 --> 01:04:17,640
Speaker 1: way Melissa does this thing. We take a shower almost

1228
01:04:17,680 --> 01:04:19,800
Speaker 1: every night. I don't like going to bed to sleep, right,

1229
01:04:20,080 --> 01:04:23,600
Speaker 1: Melissa does this thing. I mean shower, lotions cream, smell good,

1230
01:04:24,040 --> 01:04:26,560
Speaker 1: screwed up into me and then be like and don't

1231
01:04:26,600 --> 01:04:31,040
Speaker 1: try nothing. Listen, don't don't don't don't do that. Don't

1232
01:04:31,040 --> 01:04:34,240
Speaker 1: put me in that position because we just want to.

1233
01:04:35,920 --> 01:04:39,720
Speaker 1: I would love to come out, That's what I'm saying,

1234
01:04:40,160 --> 01:04:45,320
Speaker 1: But you're making me the bad guy. I can't do amazing.

1235
01:04:45,520 --> 01:04:47,880
Speaker 1: I say that like I just don't feel like being

1236
01:04:47,960 --> 01:04:52,480
Speaker 1: penetrated today. Just what do you? I just want to

1237
01:04:52,520 --> 01:04:55,840
Speaker 1: be closed. Listen, you think the gazelle, You think the gazelle.

1238
01:04:56,000 --> 01:05:00,160
Speaker 1: Anything in my body next to my body? Do you thing?

1239
01:05:00,240 --> 01:05:04,320
Speaker 1: Just gazelle runs up to the lion, covers up next

1240
01:05:04,320 --> 01:05:07,920
Speaker 1: to the line. He says, don't eat me. I just

1241
01:05:08,080 --> 01:05:12,400
Speaker 1: feel like I don't feel like being eating. That's not

1242
01:05:12,560 --> 01:05:17,840
Speaker 1: my friend. The line's gonna be like, listen, now you

1243
01:05:18,000 --> 01:05:25,200
Speaker 1: look listening seasons out in the jungle that Gazell done

1244
01:05:27,920 --> 01:05:30,760
Speaker 1: to you, But I'm not. I'm just not wired like that.

1245
01:05:31,080 --> 01:05:34,960
Speaker 1: That's hilarious, but yeah, I feel like that. That So Melissa,

1246
01:05:35,120 --> 01:05:37,560
Speaker 1: our ours was the flip side. Um. She was feeling like,

1247
01:05:37,640 --> 01:05:40,080
Speaker 1: this is a huge thing for us, this this past

1248
01:05:40,280 --> 01:05:45,440
Speaker 1: year of vulnerability. So as my travel schedule intentified and

1249
01:05:45,560 --> 01:05:48,080
Speaker 1: hers did. What used to work for us as far

1250
01:05:48,120 --> 01:05:51,160
Speaker 1: as connection, now it's not working anymore because we're gone

1251
01:05:51,200 --> 01:05:53,600
Speaker 1: so much. She's like, when we have time together, our

1252
01:05:53,640 --> 01:05:56,560
Speaker 1: conversations can't be just service level. We're gonna have to

1253
01:05:56,640 --> 01:05:59,480
Speaker 1: get deeper and deeper because I'm not feeling a connection

1254
01:05:59,520 --> 01:06:01,959
Speaker 1: to you and it's making it hard to have sex.

1255
01:06:02,000 --> 01:06:03,280
Speaker 1: So she's like, and I feel like you're not sharing

1256
01:06:03,320 --> 01:06:05,040
Speaker 1: your feelings with me. And I told her one day,

1257
01:06:05,040 --> 01:06:06,920
Speaker 1: I said, man, I'm not sharing my feelings with myself.

1258
01:06:07,520 --> 01:06:09,880
Speaker 1: I don't even feel my feelings enough to express to you.

1259
01:06:10,080 --> 01:06:12,320
Speaker 1: I just compressed them. So in order for us to

1260
01:06:12,400 --> 01:06:14,320
Speaker 1: go to this next level our marriage, I had to

1261
01:06:14,360 --> 01:06:16,760
Speaker 1: start being more honest, like about what I'm afraid of.

1262
01:06:16,920 --> 01:06:18,240
Speaker 1: And she was like, I need you to tell me

1263
01:06:18,320 --> 01:06:19,640
Speaker 1: you're scared of, Like I don't want to tell you

1264
01:06:19,720 --> 01:06:21,400
Speaker 1: that because if I say it out loud, now I'm

1265
01:06:21,400 --> 01:06:23,960
Speaker 1: acknowledging it. If I acknowledge it, that means I might

1266
01:06:24,000 --> 01:06:26,120
Speaker 1: be because if you're trying to go to the league,

1267
01:06:26,200 --> 01:06:29,360
Speaker 1: like you know, you might not make it or team.

1268
01:06:29,400 --> 01:06:31,360
Speaker 1: If you say that you just made it real. You

1269
01:06:31,400 --> 01:06:34,040
Speaker 1: can't say, of course it's a ridiculous dream, like one

1270
01:06:34,080 --> 01:06:37,400
Speaker 1: of thousands of NT double A athletes actually make the NFL,

1271
01:06:37,800 --> 01:06:40,280
Speaker 1: and less than that actually make the team. But everyone

1272
01:06:40,440 --> 01:06:43,160
Speaker 1: in that college got at least believe that they're there.

1273
01:06:43,440 --> 01:06:45,000
Speaker 1: So I have to now got to really say that

1274
01:06:45,080 --> 01:06:47,040
Speaker 1: it makes it real. But I had to do that

1275
01:06:47,520 --> 01:06:49,959
Speaker 1: in order for us to feel connected for the rest

1276
01:06:50,000 --> 01:06:52,919
Speaker 1: of our marriage, because what was working from literally year

1277
01:06:53,040 --> 01:06:56,400
Speaker 1: one through fourteen all of a sudden stops working. And

1278
01:06:56,560 --> 01:06:58,520
Speaker 1: that's when it's like, man, I'm really gonna have to

1279
01:06:59,000 --> 01:07:02,120
Speaker 1: change something about my old personality. Now you know that

1280
01:07:03,200 --> 01:07:06,760
Speaker 1: once again another awakening to help this young lady out,

1281
01:07:07,360 --> 01:07:09,040
Speaker 1: maybe she should try to get more in tune with

1282
01:07:09,120 --> 01:07:11,160
Speaker 1: him to find a connection Another way, I was going

1283
01:07:11,240 --> 01:07:16,320
Speaker 1: to suggest that that intimacy. Sexual intimacy is often a

1284
01:07:16,360 --> 01:07:21,240
Speaker 1: barometer for how your relationship is doing. Yeah, when the

1285
01:07:21,320 --> 01:07:24,360
Speaker 1: sex is down, it's often an indicator that other things

1286
01:07:24,440 --> 01:07:29,600
Speaker 1: are down. And so instead of um always concentrating and

1287
01:07:29,720 --> 01:07:34,440
Speaker 1: focusing on sex, trying to find where we can connect outside,

1288
01:07:34,600 --> 01:07:37,880
Speaker 1: out of the bedroom, final intimate connection outside of the

1289
01:07:37,960 --> 01:07:42,360
Speaker 1: bedrooms and let that overflow and carry over into room

1290
01:07:42,520 --> 01:07:44,840
Speaker 1: because trying to force it just in the bedroom, it's

1291
01:07:44,880 --> 01:07:48,280
Speaker 1: gonna feel forced. It's gone forced. We hate that. That's

1292
01:07:48,360 --> 01:07:54,680
Speaker 1: that's a good tip, no pun intended problems. Listen letter

1293
01:07:54,760 --> 01:07:59,000
Speaker 1: number two tomorrow bad. I literally think we're in a

1294
01:07:59,040 --> 01:08:04,760
Speaker 1: parallel if we would grew up in New York is us?

1295
01:08:07,520 --> 01:08:10,920
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh. I'm a single mother who has had

1296
01:08:11,040 --> 01:08:14,000
Speaker 1: much trouble recently co parenting with the father, so much

1297
01:08:14,040 --> 01:08:16,600
Speaker 1: so that the father has caused himself to lose visitation

1298
01:08:17,040 --> 01:08:19,439
Speaker 1: with our only child. Because of this, I believe our

1299
01:08:19,479 --> 01:08:22,760
Speaker 1: son is beginning to act out in undesirable ways. I've

1300
01:08:22,800 --> 01:08:26,760
Speaker 1: been advised to get him counseling, medication, etcetera. But he

1301
01:08:26,920 --> 01:08:30,320
Speaker 1: is only three and has been exposed to much trauma.

1302
01:08:30,720 --> 01:08:32,880
Speaker 1: Teachers and family are quick to give up on him

1303
01:08:33,040 --> 01:08:34,680
Speaker 1: or place a label on him a D D, A

1304
01:08:34,800 --> 01:08:38,040
Speaker 1: D D, etcetera. This has become overwhelming and I'm still

1305
01:08:38,439 --> 01:08:42,400
Speaker 1: trying to heal myself after escaping a domestically violent, violent relationship.

1306
01:08:42,439 --> 01:08:45,800
Speaker 1: While my question is as a single black mother, what

1307
01:08:45,960 --> 01:08:48,160
Speaker 1: methods can I try to help my son to be

1308
01:08:48,240 --> 01:08:50,839
Speaker 1: the best and most exceptional self in order to develop

1309
01:08:51,320 --> 01:08:54,280
Speaker 1: better coping skills as there is no male role model

1310
01:08:54,360 --> 01:08:57,840
Speaker 1: in his life currently. This is the first thing I have.

1311
01:08:58,000 --> 01:08:59,720
Speaker 1: I have a ton of history with this because I

1312
01:08:59,720 --> 01:09:02,599
Speaker 1: start of the mentorship program in Brooklyn and we've mentored

1313
01:09:02,640 --> 01:09:06,840
Speaker 1: over five hundred boys. Black boys are the number one

1314
01:09:07,000 --> 01:09:14,400
Speaker 1: medicated children in America. Yes, especially in the public school system.

1315
01:09:15,280 --> 01:09:18,360
Speaker 1: If you're a white male, white female, even a black female,

1316
01:09:18,640 --> 01:09:20,840
Speaker 1: if you act out to have behavioral issues, you'll get

1317
01:09:20,880 --> 01:09:23,759
Speaker 1: it first, second, third chance. When it comes to black males,

1318
01:09:24,200 --> 01:09:28,280
Speaker 1: the first thing is medication. The second thing is arrest.

1319
01:09:29,040 --> 01:09:31,320
Speaker 1: They arrest kids, especially in New York. We've seen they

1320
01:09:31,360 --> 01:09:33,200
Speaker 1: arrest kids at a high rate, especially when you're a

1321
01:09:33,240 --> 01:09:36,360
Speaker 1: black male. It's easy to label a black male because

1322
01:09:36,400 --> 01:09:39,520
Speaker 1: that puts them to from the school to prison pipeline.

1323
01:09:39,880 --> 01:09:41,720
Speaker 1: Once you get labeled as a d D, a d

1324
01:09:41,920 --> 01:09:44,919
Speaker 1: h D, or you have detention history, or you've been arrested,

1325
01:09:45,000 --> 01:09:47,880
Speaker 1: it's easier to put you in jail later on. So

1326
01:09:48,000 --> 01:09:50,840
Speaker 1: the first thing I'm gonna tell you, Mama, do not

1327
01:09:50,920 --> 01:09:54,720
Speaker 1: put that channel medication. He's three, Okay, if if you

1328
01:09:54,760 --> 01:09:57,120
Speaker 1: look at Cairo, Cairo probably has a d D a

1329
01:09:57,240 --> 01:09:59,519
Speaker 1: d h D. They would probably put him on medication

1330
01:09:59,640 --> 01:10:02,280
Speaker 1: if we you weren't there to say, listen, I know

1331
01:10:02,479 --> 01:10:05,760
Speaker 1: my son. He's acting out because he sees the cheerios

1332
01:10:06,160 --> 01:10:08,920
Speaker 1: and he wants to cheerio, not because there's something wrong,

1333
01:10:09,040 --> 01:10:12,920
Speaker 1: and because because he's three. See what I'm saying, three

1334
01:10:12,960 --> 01:10:16,160
Speaker 1: year old? Exactly are we expecting from a three year old?

1335
01:10:17,000 --> 01:10:18,960
Speaker 1: Like and and that's this This really comes close to

1336
01:10:19,040 --> 01:10:21,080
Speaker 1: my heart man, because we had a kid I don't

1337
01:10:21,080 --> 01:10:23,599
Speaker 1: want to say his name, but remember when we were

1338
01:10:23,600 --> 01:10:25,920
Speaker 1: training and he had a d h D. He was

1339
01:10:26,000 --> 01:10:29,520
Speaker 1: on medication since he was young. He gets the prototype

1340
01:10:29,600 --> 01:10:34,000
Speaker 1: and his grades were terrible, six average and he was like,

1341
01:10:34,040 --> 01:10:35,400
Speaker 1: you know, I wanted to be in prototype. I said,

1342
01:10:35,400 --> 01:10:36,679
Speaker 1: if you don't have an A D average, you can't

1343
01:10:36,680 --> 01:10:38,679
Speaker 1: be in prototype. Prototype is how we do our sports

1344
01:10:38,720 --> 01:10:41,080
Speaker 1: performance training for football. He wanted to be on part

1345
01:10:41,120 --> 01:10:43,240
Speaker 1: of the football team. I said, you have to learn

1346
01:10:43,320 --> 01:10:45,720
Speaker 1: to focus. He's like my medication and I said, well,

1347
01:10:46,360 --> 01:10:48,479
Speaker 1: stop taking a medication for a little bit. See if

1348
01:10:48,479 --> 01:10:50,920
Speaker 1: that I'll help you. Graduated with an AD plus average

1349
01:10:51,000 --> 01:10:55,800
Speaker 1: and he's in college. In college, he was on medication

1350
01:10:55,880 --> 01:10:58,040
Speaker 1: from the time he was young. His mom had completely

1351
01:10:58,080 --> 01:11:00,360
Speaker 1: given up coached about I don't know what to do.

1352
01:11:01,479 --> 01:11:03,519
Speaker 1: All we did was give him discipline, you have to

1353
01:11:03,560 --> 01:11:05,880
Speaker 1: be here at a certain time, you have to be accountable,

1354
01:11:05,920 --> 01:11:07,880
Speaker 1: and put him in the surrounding where all of his

1355
01:11:08,400 --> 01:11:12,360
Speaker 1: male counterparts all were striving for the same thing. So

1356
01:11:12,479 --> 01:11:14,600
Speaker 1: since everybody had an A D average, it was no

1357
01:11:14,720 --> 01:11:20,680
Speaker 1: longer okay to get sixty. The program that works for

1358
01:11:20,880 --> 01:11:23,439
Speaker 1: young black males put them in an environment whe their

1359
01:11:23,520 --> 01:11:25,360
Speaker 1: other young black males that look like them, who are

1360
01:11:25,360 --> 01:11:27,320
Speaker 1: all working the same way. Because the last thing a

1361
01:11:27,439 --> 01:11:30,160
Speaker 1: child wants is to be singled out. You know what

1362
01:11:30,240 --> 01:11:33,519
Speaker 1: I'm saying. If we are messing up, then we are

1363
01:11:33,760 --> 01:11:35,840
Speaker 1: all messing up. We are robbing people, Then we all

1364
01:11:36,000 --> 01:11:39,280
Speaker 1: robbing people were doing the same thing. It's being different

1365
01:11:39,439 --> 01:11:43,559
Speaker 1: is not cool, not cool, especially that young and it's

1366
01:11:43,600 --> 01:11:45,680
Speaker 1: it's just it hurts me to hear this because, um,

1367
01:11:45,720 --> 01:11:47,920
Speaker 1: I don't know what happened with the dad, but as

1368
01:11:47,960 --> 01:11:50,560
Speaker 1: you guys know, having fathers a very important especially for

1369
01:11:50,680 --> 01:11:53,439
Speaker 1: young black men. You know, the prison industrial system still

1370
01:11:53,560 --> 01:11:56,080
Speaker 1: very much exists, and it starts as young as our

1371
01:11:56,200 --> 01:11:59,720
Speaker 1: young boys, labeling them, so it's a lot easier to

1372
01:11:59,760 --> 01:12:02,439
Speaker 1: pass them through the system. All right, now, Well, if

1373
01:12:02,479 --> 01:12:04,759
Speaker 1: you want to be featured as one of our listener letters,

1374
01:12:05,280 --> 01:12:08,920
Speaker 1: email us at dead ass Advice at gmail dot com.

1375
01:12:09,680 --> 01:12:12,800
Speaker 1: We had such yea, I'm so glad we got to

1376
01:12:12,840 --> 01:12:15,320
Speaker 1: do this. People hit us up to like y'all had

1377
01:12:15,400 --> 01:12:21,080
Speaker 1: everybody else cool, but give the valid I feel like

1378
01:12:21,640 --> 01:12:23,479
Speaker 1: it's like two pairs like I feel like y'all would

1379
01:12:23,520 --> 01:12:30,680
Speaker 1: like to tell should play together. Ye we like each other.

1380
01:12:31,680 --> 01:12:34,960
Speaker 1: Y'all got two boys could probably be mentors to my

1381
01:12:35,080 --> 01:12:41,400
Speaker 1: three young boys. How old are your boys in? How eight?

1382
01:12:41,479 --> 01:12:45,639
Speaker 1: Three and one and a half? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, my goodness.

1383
01:12:45,960 --> 01:12:48,280
Speaker 1: So you usually wrap up the episode with a moment

1384
01:12:48,360 --> 01:12:50,360
Speaker 1: of truth, you know, and the moment of truth is

1385
01:12:50,360 --> 01:12:53,600
Speaker 1: pretty much whatever you pull from this entire conversation. You know,

1386
01:12:53,720 --> 01:12:55,560
Speaker 1: it can be anything. That can be something simple, it

1387
01:12:55,600 --> 01:12:57,720
Speaker 1: can be something a little bit more complex. You know.

1388
01:12:57,720 --> 01:12:59,599
Speaker 1: Do you have a moment of truth, babe? Well, I'll

1389
01:12:59,600 --> 01:13:02,559
Speaker 1: start with I guess yeah, moments of truth for today.

1390
01:13:02,600 --> 01:13:06,680
Speaker 1: I was thinking about a lot um of topics. It

1391
01:13:06,760 --> 01:13:11,960
Speaker 1: can be silly, silly, Okay, we'll go silly first. My

1392
01:13:12,040 --> 01:13:15,040
Speaker 1: moment of truth or my revelation is we are to

1393
01:13:15,080 --> 01:13:21,440
Speaker 1: say times, but I literally feel like we've lived parallel

1394
01:13:21,640 --> 01:13:25,360
Speaker 1: lives again, just in different dimensions. I don't know what

1395
01:13:25,479 --> 01:13:27,479
Speaker 1: was going over, whatever was going on in New York, Cha,

1396
01:13:27,760 --> 01:13:31,559
Speaker 1: the same thing was happening to at the exact same time.

1397
01:13:31,640 --> 01:13:35,000
Speaker 1: So the fact that our stories um so mirror each

1398
01:13:35,040 --> 01:13:38,040
Speaker 1: other number one again, it brings credence to You're not

1399
01:13:38,200 --> 01:13:49,639
Speaker 1: alone and alone. That's my same We're taking all yourself.

1400
01:13:51,200 --> 01:13:53,240
Speaker 1: Do we have a collective moment of truth? We can

1401
01:13:53,280 --> 01:13:54,960
Speaker 1: try that for the first time on the show. Unless

1402
01:13:54,960 --> 01:13:56,840
Speaker 1: you had a really good moment of truth. Nah, I

1403
01:13:57,080 --> 01:13:59,880
Speaker 1: I listen. I think that was great because I learned

1404
01:13:59,920 --> 01:14:03,560
Speaker 1: a lot about myself listening to you guys talk. I

1405
01:14:03,680 --> 01:14:05,800
Speaker 1: was going to say, I'm not crazy because when I

1406
01:14:05,920 --> 01:14:07,439
Speaker 1: told you all I get to have sex with you

1407
01:14:07,600 --> 01:14:09,479
Speaker 1: and nobody else, and these girls looking at me we

1408
01:14:09,600 --> 01:14:11,280
Speaker 1: talked about in the love Hour and no men ever

1409
01:14:11,439 --> 01:14:14,160
Speaker 1: there like you said that the only one that's like

1410
01:14:14,600 --> 01:14:16,600
Speaker 1: I said that too, And I'm like seeing yes, I

1411
01:14:17,280 --> 01:14:20,360
Speaker 1: was feeling like, you're not crazy. It's so comforted. Yes, yes,

1412
01:14:20,400 --> 01:14:22,800
Speaker 1: because when you feel like you're just by yourself, you're like, man,

1413
01:14:22,960 --> 01:14:27,000
Speaker 1: maybe I wouldn't. That was gonna be my funny moment

1414
01:14:27,040 --> 01:14:31,679
Speaker 1: of your Everybody wants to Val and Kevin y'all clearly

1415
01:14:32,080 --> 01:14:38,440
Speaker 1: because now Kevi got a beard. The beard muscles everybody.

1416
01:14:38,760 --> 01:14:40,920
Speaker 1: I've been working on muscles because she reminds me how

1417
01:14:40,960 --> 01:14:42,679
Speaker 1: skinny I was. So I wake up in the morning

1418
01:14:42,800 --> 01:14:47,320
Speaker 1: just like YA was skinny, not normal, no spoon say

1419
01:14:50,800 --> 01:14:52,400
Speaker 1: my whole life. I have issues with that and it's

1420
01:14:52,400 --> 01:14:55,400
Speaker 1: still triggering to you. Oh my goodness. Melissa and Kevin,

1421
01:14:55,439 --> 01:14:59,840
Speaker 1: thank you so much, appreciate you so so very much, fantastic. Thanks.

1422
01:15:00,120 --> 01:15:01,960
Speaker 1: Sure to follow us on social media actually give us

1423
01:15:01,960 --> 01:15:03,760
Speaker 1: your handles as well, and let let everyone know where

1424
01:15:03,760 --> 01:15:05,000
Speaker 1: to find you in case they don't know about you,

1425
01:15:05,000 --> 01:15:06,920
Speaker 1: because if they don't, they were under a rock. Yeah.

1426
01:15:07,040 --> 01:15:10,360
Speaker 1: keV on stage everything, Miss keV on stage on everything.

1427
01:15:10,479 --> 01:15:13,560
Speaker 1: The podcast is the our podcast. Love our Podcasts on

1428
01:15:13,680 --> 01:15:18,040
Speaker 1: Instagram and Facebook. It comes out every Thursday, and come

1429
01:15:18,120 --> 01:15:21,640
Speaker 1: rock with us on that rock with them, trust me them,

1430
01:15:22,520 --> 01:15:26,280
Speaker 1: I comment, I like always both have such great I

1431
01:15:28,760 --> 01:15:31,400
Speaker 1: forgot to say it didn't come out I respected the

1432
01:15:31,479 --> 01:15:34,200
Speaker 1: valid code so much because y'all be keeping it, I

1433
01:15:34,320 --> 01:15:38,320
Speaker 1: mean transparent Instagram. And he said, man, me and and

1434
01:15:38,439 --> 01:15:42,519
Speaker 1: cadem was beefing, and I was like, man, people do

1435
01:15:42,720 --> 01:15:45,560
Speaker 1: not be that honest because on Instagram you think that

1436
01:15:45,720 --> 01:15:50,920
Speaker 1: everybody for weeks months, and we finally had a breakthrough,

1437
01:15:51,000 --> 01:15:53,160
Speaker 1: and that means y'all had just got through it. Because

1438
01:15:53,200 --> 01:15:55,200
Speaker 1: we always talk about stuff that we conquered years ago.

1439
01:15:55,560 --> 01:15:59,000
Speaker 1: People don't want to talk about she was gone for

1440
01:15:59,080 --> 01:16:01,680
Speaker 1: a month and this to this problem and here's how

1441
01:16:01,720 --> 01:16:03,719
Speaker 1: we solved. And I feel like that is so helpful

1442
01:16:03,760 --> 01:16:06,479
Speaker 1: to people who idolized, not idolized, but look up to

1443
01:16:06,640 --> 01:16:09,439
Speaker 1: you and to no man. Okay, you know what, maybe

1444
01:16:09,479 --> 01:16:12,800
Speaker 1: they beat they they have rough patches too, and that

1445
01:16:13,000 --> 01:16:17,320
Speaker 1: is so comforting to be like many we even too,

1446
01:16:18,240 --> 01:16:22,639
Speaker 1: were based all Christmas last year, on Christmas, not only

1447
01:16:22,720 --> 01:16:32,960
Speaker 1: on the dage, the whole time, the whole season. Yes, good,

1448
01:16:33,040 --> 01:16:36,760
Speaker 1: all right, but it was felt it felt good to

1449
01:16:36,800 --> 01:16:38,840
Speaker 1: be like all right, even them who are in the

1450
01:16:38,960 --> 01:16:41,400
Speaker 1: industry and blah blah blah, they are expirits of the

1451
01:16:41,439 --> 01:16:45,160
Speaker 1: same thing. I know. Regular people like being too. Well,

1452
01:16:45,200 --> 01:16:49,240
Speaker 1: we appreciate so much. I remember I am devouted. That's

1453
01:16:49,320 --> 01:16:53,280
Speaker 1: my handle exactly, yes, And of course if you're listening

1454
01:16:53,280 --> 01:16:56,880
Speaker 1: on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe

1455
01:16:56,920 --> 01:17:03,040
Speaker 1: and tell a friend. Dead as Dead as Dead Ass

1456
01:17:03,160 --> 01:17:06,280
Speaker 1: is a production of Stitcher. It's produced by T Square

1457
01:17:06,320 --> 01:17:09,960
Speaker 1: and Dinora Penia. Our Chief content Officer is Chris Bannet.

1458
01:17:10,360 --> 01:17:14,160
Speaker 1: Our associate producers are Kristen Torres and Treble. Our studio

1459
01:17:14,240 --> 01:17:21,639
Speaker 1: engineers are Brandon Burns and Andy, Kristen's daughter. We're back.

1460
01:17:21,680 --> 01:17:23,760
Speaker 1: I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth. We have a

1461
01:17:23,760 --> 01:17:25,880
Speaker 1: podcast going on right now as part of the stitchen

1462
01:17:25,960 --> 01:17:32,000
Speaker 1: netwhere called Abstraction that's available everywhere. Get the podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple,

1463
01:17:32,240 --> 01:17:34,720
Speaker 1: Go listen right now to the Distraction right now, it's out.

1464
01:17:34,960 --> 01:17:35,519
Speaker 1: Do it please,