1 00:00:00,880 --> 00:00:03,640 Speaker 1: This podcast has content that may not be appropriate for 2 00:00:03,680 --> 00:00:08,440 Speaker 1: all audiences. You'll hear about some difficult subjects like substance abuse, 3 00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:15,400 Speaker 1: suicidal thoughts, childhood, sexual abuse, and sexual assault. Please take care. 4 00:00:21,320 --> 00:00:24,279 Speaker 1: I thought I was a brave person. I can sing 5 00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:27,520 Speaker 1: a solo in front of a crowd. I've survived being 6 00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:31,560 Speaker 1: held at gunpoint. I spent nights in the cold, hungry, 7 00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:35,960 Speaker 1: and the lone. But courage and sobriety taps into a 8 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:39,920 Speaker 1: different kind of bravery, not the survival kind that helps 9 00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:44,400 Speaker 1: you face down terrifying situations and scary strangers. Sobriety takes 10 00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:47,839 Speaker 1: the courage to face yourself. But nobody can force you 11 00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:50,839 Speaker 1: to do that, to make you let go of the 12 00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:53,920 Speaker 1: parts of your life that you're attached to way deep down. 13 00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:59,880 Speaker 2: But when do you know if you're ready? 14 00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:04,720 Speaker 1: Last episode, my roommate gave me an ultimatum, I go 15 00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:07,680 Speaker 1: to rehab or get kicked out. So when I got 16 00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:10,920 Speaker 1: in the car to tour a facility, I wasn't feeling 17 00:01:10,959 --> 00:01:15,880 Speaker 1: particularly brave. I was feeling trapped. But once I'm there, 18 00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:22,360 Speaker 1: will I find my courage. I'm Emmy and this is Crumbs. 19 00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:25,400 Speaker 1: It's to show about the things we settle for and 20 00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:28,039 Speaker 1: the bits of ourselves that make us who we are. 21 00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:41,880 Speaker 1: This season my sobriety journey in twelve steps, step four courage. 22 00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:51,200 Speaker 1: This episode, I dragged my feet on the road to rehab. 23 00:01:58,240 --> 00:01:59,480 Speaker 2: I make this long. 24 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:04,880 Speaker 1: Drive from San Diego to Pasadena with a friend. Pasadena 25 00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:07,440 Speaker 1: is a beautiful city. It's right outside of Los Angeles. 26 00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:11,080 Speaker 1: It's inland, not by the water, but it has a 27 00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:14,960 Speaker 1: history as a resort town. That's the feeling I had 28 00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:17,640 Speaker 1: driving through the city with the windows down and the 29 00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:21,000 Speaker 1: warm air on my face. I was heading to tour 30 00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:24,360 Speaker 1: the rehab facility, the nicest place I could get my 31 00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:27,240 Speaker 1: insurance to pay for. It had a reputation as a 32 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:30,040 Speaker 1: place where you might meet a sealless celebrity. 33 00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:34,800 Speaker 2: We finally get to the facility. 34 00:02:35,360 --> 00:02:38,600 Speaker 1: I feel almost like the pictures didn't do it justice. 35 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:44,320 Speaker 1: There's big, tall trees, lots of greenery, very different than 36 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:49,640 Speaker 1: the area I was living in San Diego. So we 37 00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:52,240 Speaker 1: pull into the parking lot, up to the front door. 38 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,919 Speaker 1: I tell them that I have an appointment. They take 39 00:02:56,960 --> 00:03:00,679 Speaker 1: my driver's license and tell me to have a seat. 40 00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:04,320 Speaker 1: They give me some papers to fill out. Didn't really 41 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:08,959 Speaker 1: read it. I read down all my information my name, 42 00:03:09,919 --> 00:03:16,000 Speaker 1: my insurance, my address, emergency contacts, checking boxes is signing 43 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:21,120 Speaker 1: my name, and then I go on this tour. I 44 00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:23,160 Speaker 1: didn't really feel like they were selling me on the place. 45 00:03:23,919 --> 00:03:28,200 Speaker 1: They were just giving me information. They're pointing out what 46 00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:32,880 Speaker 1: each room is, what therapies are offered, what the programming 47 00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:39,000 Speaker 1: is like, where meals are held. It just feels very calm, 48 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:46,040 Speaker 1: very serene. Lots of nature. The birds were chirping, lots 49 00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:50,960 Speaker 1: of squirrels running around. You see people walking around, they 50 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:56,680 Speaker 1: look pretty normal. It seemed peaceful. My life was feeling 51 00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:59,440 Speaker 1: very chaotic, and this seemed like a break from all 52 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:02,800 Speaker 1: of that. It wasn't like the psych words I've been 53 00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:07,280 Speaker 1: to in the past. And from the corner of my eye, 54 00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:13,000 Speaker 1: I see Doctor Drew with a patient. Doctor Drew was 55 00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:17,159 Speaker 1: an addiction therapy specialist for the Stars. I was a 56 00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:21,599 Speaker 1: fanatic of his radio show Loveline when I was younger. 57 00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:26,280 Speaker 2: It's the love Line only on w e VM. Here's 58 00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:28,159 Speaker 2: a long line with Doctor Drew and Adam Carolla. 59 00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:37,880 Speaker 1: I thought I wouldn't mind being here at all. My 60 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:40,839 Speaker 1: plan was for after the tour to go back to 61 00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:46,080 Speaker 1: San Diego drink all weekend like a last Hurrah, and 62 00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:50,120 Speaker 1: then come to rehab on Monday. I mean, I still 63 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:51,320 Speaker 1: don't want to come to rehab. 64 00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:53,600 Speaker 2: Remember, I was. 65 00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:56,200 Speaker 1: Just doing this because my roommate gave me an ultimatum, 66 00:04:57,000 --> 00:05:00,040 Speaker 1: sign up for rehab or get the fuck out. I 67 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:04,240 Speaker 1: don't really feel ready to actually be sober. On some level, 68 00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:07,520 Speaker 1: I knew it was right, but I was only there 69 00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:11,440 Speaker 1: because I had to be so. At the end of 70 00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:15,560 Speaker 1: the tour, we go back into this office. I sit 71 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:19,080 Speaker 1: with the intake specialist. She has me more paperwork to 72 00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:22,520 Speaker 1: fill out, and I do it and I say, thank 73 00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:27,560 Speaker 1: you very much, lovely place. I'll be back on Monday. 74 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:30,080 Speaker 1: And she looked at me and she said, you just 75 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:31,640 Speaker 1: checked yourself into dtalks. 76 00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:34,479 Speaker 2: I'm like what. 77 00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:38,520 Speaker 1: I was annoyed, I was pissed off. I was like, 78 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:41,520 Speaker 1: what the fuck did I just get myself into. I 79 00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:44,599 Speaker 1: don't have any clothes, And she said, you'll be fine. 80 00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:47,000 Speaker 1: You won't need it where you're going. I don't have 81 00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:47,680 Speaker 1: a toothbrush. 82 00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:53,520 Speaker 2: We have some here in movies. 83 00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:56,760 Speaker 1: You have this idea that rehab can be a big 84 00:05:57,000 --> 00:06:00,559 Speaker 1: courageous step in your life, like I wanted you my life. 85 00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:04,080 Speaker 1: I want to get sober, but going to rehab didn't 86 00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:08,279 Speaker 1: feel like a big courageous moment to me. It felt 87 00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:18,640 Speaker 1: like the choice was taken away from me. Those first 88 00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:26,120 Speaker 1: few days in d talks were blurry. When I got 89 00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:29,719 Speaker 1: transferred to the residential facility, I still didn't have any clothes, 90 00:06:29,839 --> 00:06:33,039 Speaker 1: which was a big deal because my clothing was like 91 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:36,680 Speaker 1: my way of expressing myself. I was still so insecure 92 00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:40,479 Speaker 1: about who I was, and fashion was this way that 93 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:45,720 Speaker 1: I felt like myself, so without it, I felt naked. 94 00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:50,360 Speaker 1: I didn't have my phone, so no one knew where 95 00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:52,320 Speaker 1: I was except for my. 96 00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:54,479 Speaker 2: Roommate and my friend who drove me there. 97 00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:59,200 Speaker 1: At some point, I was allowed to make phone calls 98 00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:03,520 Speaker 1: and I called one of my coworkers and I told 99 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:06,039 Speaker 1: her that I was going on a trip. I said 100 00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:09,760 Speaker 1: I was going to Miami, and in my mind I 101 00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:14,120 Speaker 1: was kind of on vacation, so it made sense, I guess. 102 00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:16,920 Speaker 1: To rehab felt like a vacation to me, because during 103 00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:19,560 Speaker 1: that relapse that I had that summer or that Memorial 104 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:23,600 Speaker 1: Day weekend, lots of things happened to me, lots of 105 00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:27,520 Speaker 1: unfortunate events, like I ended up in the hospital. Once 106 00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:31,560 Speaker 1: in the emergency room, I'd wake up beat up. My 107 00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:33,480 Speaker 1: family doesn't really want anything. 108 00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:33,760 Speaker 2: To do with me. 109 00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:37,400 Speaker 1: My friends are over it. I just I felt like 110 00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:42,520 Speaker 1: I was cornered into nothing. I felt like I was 111 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:47,800 Speaker 1: trapped in a shitty life. Life sucked. So this was 112 00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:51,160 Speaker 1: kind of a break from that, an opportunity for me 113 00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:56,040 Speaker 1: to pretend that this wasn't my reality. Whatever was good 114 00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:59,160 Speaker 1: in my life, which was basically my steady job I 115 00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:01,720 Speaker 1: could keep, but I got to take a break from 116 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:04,680 Speaker 1: all the bad stuff. It was like being in a 117 00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:09,040 Speaker 1: different universe for a little while, totally isolated with this 118 00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:18,000 Speaker 1: cast of characters and the full schedule of events. The 119 00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:21,400 Speaker 1: programs are very structured. We have group in the morning 120 00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:27,440 Speaker 1: after breakfast, then there's lunch, then there's a break time, 121 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:31,920 Speaker 1: then you go to a group, and at the end 122 00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,679 Speaker 1: of the night you go to a twelve step meeting. 123 00:08:34,679 --> 00:08:38,760 Speaker 1: Very structured. I mean there were people that were actually 124 00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:42,319 Speaker 1: taking this serious, that were actually engaging with the group. 125 00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:47,400 Speaker 1: You basically sit in a group. It's like a process group. 126 00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:57,040 Speaker 1: You're going through traumas, identifying triggers, identifying relapse behaviors, what 127 00:08:57,160 --> 00:09:01,600 Speaker 1: pushes your buttons. Sometimes you talk about your cravings, you 128 00:09:01,679 --> 00:09:05,560 Speaker 1: talk about how to kind of change your way of 129 00:09:05,559 --> 00:09:10,320 Speaker 1: thinking on certain things. So if you do get a craving, 130 00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:13,880 Speaker 1: or you do have a trigger, you have the tools 131 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:18,160 Speaker 1: laid out that, if you choose to use, can get 132 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:26,480 Speaker 1: you through that moment without relapsing the schedule and the structure. 133 00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:29,400 Speaker 1: It was very different from how I was normally living 134 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:33,400 Speaker 1: my life. But from the beginning I was really checked out. 135 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:39,640 Speaker 1: I doodle on my worksheets, I'd bite my nails. I 136 00:09:39,679 --> 00:09:41,960 Speaker 1: look outside the window and try to follow the squirrels 137 00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:45,880 Speaker 1: jumping from tree to tree. My friend had just dropped 138 00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:49,240 Speaker 1: off some of my clothes, so I put together outfits 139 00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:53,040 Speaker 1: for myself. I was dressing up really cool for rehab, 140 00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:58,560 Speaker 1: dressy shorts, designer shoes. It was a summer, so I'd 141 00:09:58,559 --> 00:10:01,440 Speaker 1: wear a lot of shorts, a lacosse polo with a 142 00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:05,880 Speaker 1: pop collar. Instead of paying attention, I would sit there 143 00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:11,760 Speaker 1: and judge everyone's clothes. This group facilitator his socks were 144 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:14,520 Speaker 1: so cool they had designs. I mean, this was back 145 00:10:14,559 --> 00:10:18,160 Speaker 1: in two thousand and seven. I think expression was a 146 00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:22,079 Speaker 1: little bit limited back then, so it was nice to 147 00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:24,840 Speaker 1: see someone all dressed up in a dress, shirt, slacks, 148 00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:28,400 Speaker 1: and some really dope socks. So I fixated on those 149 00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:31,280 Speaker 1: and I would sometimes drop socks with polka dots or 150 00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:35,400 Speaker 1: whatever they might be. I remember very clearly the women 151 00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:38,800 Speaker 1: that had ill fitted outfits, the women who didn't do 152 00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:41,480 Speaker 1: their hair because I'd offered to help them. 153 00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:45,760 Speaker 2: I helped do their makeup. And that's how I passed 154 00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:46,240 Speaker 2: the time. 155 00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:54,319 Speaker 1: I realized that to pass the time, I actually had 156 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:59,319 Speaker 1: to find my people, find a crew. There was Annie. 157 00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:03,040 Speaker 1: I'd help braid her hair, help her with her makeup, 158 00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:09,120 Speaker 1: helper with her wardrobe selection. Jenny, she was like in 159 00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:14,520 Speaker 1: her forties. She had curly, long hair. She was always 160 00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:20,200 Speaker 1: very mellow, and she spoke like this. She carried around 161 00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:25,520 Speaker 1: a teddy bear. We also had a stunt woman. She 162 00:11:25,679 --> 00:11:28,800 Speaker 1: was a lot of fun. She would tell me about 163 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:34,480 Speaker 1: exciting stories on sets. I love the stories. I just 164 00:11:34,679 --> 00:11:38,320 Speaker 1: ate them up. I mean here, I was basically in 165 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:43,120 Speaker 1: la basically in Hollywood, in rehab with these Hollywood people, 166 00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:47,600 Speaker 1: and to hear the stories of them on set kind 167 00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:48,960 Speaker 1: of made me feel like I was one of them. 168 00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:53,360 Speaker 1: And then there was Chris, one of my best friends 169 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:54,319 Speaker 1: in the program. 170 00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:58,280 Speaker 2: Chris was this flamboyant gay boy from New York. 171 00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:01,720 Speaker 1: He and I hit it all. We were such good friends. 172 00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:06,440 Speaker 1: We'd eat together, we'd talk shit together. We'd smoke together, 173 00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:09,600 Speaker 1: and we got pretty close for the time that we 174 00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:14,440 Speaker 1: were there. Chris was very fun and outgoing, and we 175 00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:19,600 Speaker 1: made plans to become friends forever. Some of my friends 176 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:22,800 Speaker 1: would take the program seriously and some wouldn't. Annie was 177 00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:26,360 Speaker 1: taking the program seriously because she had long term sobriety 178 00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:31,160 Speaker 1: at one point. Chris, he wasn't really taking it too serious, 179 00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:34,240 Speaker 1: but he was doing the work. It didn't really matter 180 00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:37,239 Speaker 1: to us what each of us did in our sessions. 181 00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:42,440 Speaker 1: What mattered really was our time outside hanging out having fun. 182 00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:45,640 Speaker 1: I think what really bonded us and we have is 183 00:12:45,679 --> 00:12:48,320 Speaker 1: the fact that we like to get together, gossip and 184 00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:54,960 Speaker 1: talk shit about people. So I learned quickly at this 185 00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:58,240 Speaker 1: treatment center that there's kind of like a tear system. 186 00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:04,600 Speaker 1: Had the low income people, you had your private insurance people, 187 00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:08,920 Speaker 1: and you had your self pay people. I was a 188 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:13,000 Speaker 1: private insurance admit, but my friends were kind of all 189 00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:17,640 Speaker 1: over the tears. The self pay people are typically like 190 00:13:17,679 --> 00:13:22,559 Speaker 1: sealless celebrities, people that you'd see in tabloids on reality shows, 191 00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:29,439 Speaker 1: and they stayed in these fancy, pretty cute bungalows. They 192 00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:34,000 Speaker 1: were kept separate from us. They'd come in grab their 193 00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:37,839 Speaker 1: food and go back to their area. Before we were 194 00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:42,240 Speaker 1: allowed to eat, they had their own private group sessions. 195 00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:46,840 Speaker 1: There was this really cute guy who I had a 196 00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:50,080 Speaker 1: really big crush on, and I heard that he was 197 00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:53,520 Speaker 1: in the current cast of the Real World. And this 198 00:13:53,559 --> 00:13:56,640 Speaker 1: guy would get pulled out of rehab to go and 199 00:13:56,640 --> 00:14:01,560 Speaker 1: film the show. At least that's what we heard. The 200 00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:05,160 Speaker 1: Real World was one of the first reality shows in television. 201 00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:09,560 Speaker 1: People would come from different parts of the country. Totally 202 00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:12,839 Speaker 1: random strangers were selected and they would all live under 203 00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:16,800 Speaker 1: the same roof in one house and they'd follow their 204 00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:20,680 Speaker 1: daily lives. I would have watched this show religiously, and 205 00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:24,360 Speaker 1: the characters would become kind of like celebrities, and you 206 00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:26,720 Speaker 1: kind of felt like you knew them because they were 207 00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:30,440 Speaker 1: part of your everyday life. This was the beginning of 208 00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:35,440 Speaker 1: the reality show takeover the Real World road roles, Big Brother, 209 00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:40,080 Speaker 1: Simple Life. That's all people talked about. Every time a 210 00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:43,160 Speaker 1: bungle of residents would come down and line up for lunch. 211 00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:46,480 Speaker 1: While we waited, I would just look at this Real 212 00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:50,280 Speaker 1: World guy. Here was someone that I would one day 213 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:54,680 Speaker 1: see on screen or look at in tabloid magazines, but 214 00:14:54,840 --> 00:15:02,240 Speaker 1: here in the flesh There was this other woman in 215 00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:08,480 Speaker 1: the Bungalows. Rumor had it that she had been pulled 216 00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:13,760 Speaker 1: from a reality show where she was a psychic a medium. 217 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:20,400 Speaker 1: Apparently she had had a meltdown on the show, so 218 00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:24,280 Speaker 1: they brought her here. The psychic was a beautiful girl. 219 00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:29,040 Speaker 1: She was about five six. She had long blonde hair, 220 00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:36,640 Speaker 1: blue squinty eyes. She was very thin, and she dressed nice. 221 00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:39,320 Speaker 1: She also had a gorgeous husband who would come visit 222 00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:44,720 Speaker 1: her every weekend. We did become friends, and so she 223 00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:47,280 Speaker 1: started stealing shit from everyone. 224 00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:48,560 Speaker 2: This woman would go. 225 00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:54,720 Speaker 1: Around and steal people's clothes, their cigarettes. Then everyone hated her, 226 00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:59,160 Speaker 1: so I never got my future red. Was I actually 227 00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:01,880 Speaker 1: part of a reality show? It was starting to feel 228 00:16:01,880 --> 00:16:05,680 Speaker 1: that way. You'd hear rumors about so and so is here, 229 00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:09,560 Speaker 1: so and so is there, or so and so is coming. 230 00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:18,960 Speaker 1: There was a time an a lister might potentially be 231 00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:26,200 Speaker 1: coming to our facility, so we were prepped about confidentiality, 232 00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:29,720 Speaker 1: so there was a lot to talk about. We'd sit 233 00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:34,560 Speaker 1: around in our clicks, smoke a lot of cigarettes and 234 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:38,840 Speaker 1: talk about everyone else. We'd constantly be on the lookout 235 00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:42,640 Speaker 1: for these quasi celebrities in the Bungalows. Got something about 236 00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:44,800 Speaker 1: why they were here, who was hanging out with, who, 237 00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:48,800 Speaker 1: who looked good, who looked like shit? Who had changed 238 00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:52,040 Speaker 1: since whatever show came out. I was really starting to 239 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:54,200 Speaker 1: feel like I was part of my own reality show. 240 00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:56,000 Speaker 2: It was the perfect. 241 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:58,560 Speaker 1: Entertainment for people who were trying to escape their actual 242 00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:01,440 Speaker 1: realities the addiction that brought them here. 243 00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:11,200 Speaker 2: My roommate was a tall, ginger, pale. 244 00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:14,560 Speaker 1: Heroin addict, so he kind of hit it off just 245 00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:17,679 Speaker 1: on the heroin thing alone. One of the things that 246 00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:20,520 Speaker 1: he liked to talk about were his veins. He was 247 00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:23,280 Speaker 1: very pale, and he was very proud of the fact 248 00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:25,840 Speaker 1: that he could actually find a good vein to shoot 249 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:28,520 Speaker 1: up on. That's all he wanted to talk to me about, 250 00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:32,640 Speaker 1: which is a little weird. He also told me about 251 00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:36,359 Speaker 1: girls that he thought were cute. He clearly had eyes 252 00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:43,000 Speaker 1: for someone. My roommate had a crush on this beautiful 253 00:17:43,119 --> 00:17:47,000 Speaker 1: Armenian girl that was there my room wanted to hook 254 00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:48,959 Speaker 1: up with her, so I left the room, gave him 255 00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:55,440 Speaker 1: their privacy, and they got caught. There was a rule 256 00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:59,399 Speaker 1: against hooking up for obvious reasons. It's just not healthy 257 00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:01,359 Speaker 1: to hook up with po But when you're trying to 258 00:18:01,359 --> 00:18:09,159 Speaker 1: get sober. You don't need that distraction. I was told 259 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:11,520 Speaker 1: that I had to go and talk to staff about 260 00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:14,080 Speaker 1: the situation because they thought I was covering for them. 261 00:18:15,119 --> 00:18:18,200 Speaker 1: My roommate asked me to lie for him. I thought 262 00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:20,479 Speaker 1: I was going to fuck it up and that we 263 00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:23,840 Speaker 1: were both going to get in trouble, even though I 264 00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:27,080 Speaker 1: hadn't really come to rehab of my own volition, even 265 00:18:27,119 --> 00:18:29,160 Speaker 1: though I was kind of checked out through the process. 266 00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:32,440 Speaker 1: I didn't want to get kicked out. I didn't want 267 00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:35,560 Speaker 1: to cut my vacation short. If I got kicked out, 268 00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:38,639 Speaker 1: I'd have to go back to my roommate. I was 269 00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:41,920 Speaker 1: not ready to go home. It felt like I was 270 00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:45,480 Speaker 1: in high school all over again. You're scared of getting 271 00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:48,840 Speaker 1: in trouble. Now I'm being called to go speak to staff. 272 00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:53,320 Speaker 1: It's like going to the principal's office. I was so nervous. 273 00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:57,840 Speaker 1: But my friend Jenny with her teddy bear, told me 274 00:18:57,880 --> 00:19:00,840 Speaker 1: she had a solution for me, and she pulls out 275 00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:03,639 Speaker 1: this pill from her teddy bear and hands it to me. 276 00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:10,480 Speaker 1: Apparently Jenny wasn't taking her meds. She'd been cheeking her 277 00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:15,920 Speaker 1: kalanapins and hiding them in her teddy bear, so there. 278 00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:20,399 Speaker 1: It was in my palm, this pill, a pill that 279 00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:23,560 Speaker 1: I had never taken before. I put it in my 280 00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:31,080 Speaker 1: mouth and I swallowed it. I'm there for abusing Xanax 281 00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:35,640 Speaker 1: and vigadin. I'm obviously a pill popper, a pill head. 282 00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:39,440 Speaker 1: So I have this pill in my hand. I don't 283 00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:41,840 Speaker 1: even think about it, just pop it in my mouth. 284 00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:47,280 Speaker 1: The way that pill made me feel, it removed all 285 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:57,719 Speaker 1: the worries I had. I felt euphoria, I felt zen. 286 00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:03,200 Speaker 1: I was ready to face staff. At the end of 287 00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:06,199 Speaker 1: the day, no one got in trouble. Turns out this 288 00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:09,520 Speaker 1: is a very common thing that happens in rehabs. The 289 00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:13,600 Speaker 1: drama was just in the setup, the adrenaline. There weren't 290 00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:18,000 Speaker 1: really any consequences. See, it really was like being on 291 00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:24,439 Speaker 1: a reality show. But let me be real, there was 292 00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:28,000 Speaker 1: a consequence, just not one. I was ready to face 293 00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:33,000 Speaker 1: the moment. I wasn't taking the process seriously. I wasn't 294 00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:35,479 Speaker 1: taking myself seriously enough to see the mistake I had 295 00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:39,440 Speaker 1: made right there in rehab. Just a few days after 296 00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:44,280 Speaker 1: I detoxed, I relapsed, and the days leading up to that, 297 00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:46,919 Speaker 1: I hadn't been able to bring myself to put in 298 00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:51,439 Speaker 1: the work. I was pushing down that pain, already dueling 299 00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:55,520 Speaker 1: my senses and distracting myself, and so in this moment, 300 00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:59,600 Speaker 1: it didn't feel like a choice. I just needed something 301 00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:03,000 Speaker 1: to take the edge off, to help me keep running 302 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:07,600 Speaker 1: away from myself. Like I've said, I was scared to 303 00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:10,359 Speaker 1: actually do the work to look at myself in the 304 00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:13,439 Speaker 1: mirror and take myself and my life seriously enough to 305 00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:17,880 Speaker 1: see that I needed to make major, massive changes. At 306 00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:20,760 Speaker 1: the time, I was just sort of doing the bare minimum, 307 00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:24,440 Speaker 1: going through the motions, but trying to have fun. 308 00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:28,760 Speaker 2: And I did have a good time. But the end 309 00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:32,639 Speaker 2: of Rehub, the end of my vacation, was just around 310 00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:33,120 Speaker 2: the corner. 311 00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:42,840 Speaker 1: So when Annie was about to leave and complete treatment, 312 00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:48,159 Speaker 1: she said, come to outpatient. You can stay at my place. 313 00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:55,639 Speaker 1: We'll do this together. The outpatient program basically meant that 314 00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:58,760 Speaker 1: I wouldn't be living at the treatment facility anymore, but 315 00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:01,200 Speaker 1: I would commute to the facility three times a week 316 00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:05,440 Speaker 1: for meetings or groups, maybe a few hours a day, 317 00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:09,080 Speaker 1: sitting in a room basically doing group therapy and talk 318 00:22:09,119 --> 00:22:12,480 Speaker 1: about things that were on our minds, basically the same 319 00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:15,720 Speaker 1: stuff that I was doing or not really doing, and impatient, 320 00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:19,760 Speaker 1: and I'd have to get drug tested, but other than that, 321 00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:22,200 Speaker 1: I'd get to just spend more time away from home. 322 00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:27,200 Speaker 1: She lived into Luca Lake, which is, I don't know, 323 00:22:27,280 --> 00:22:31,280 Speaker 1: twenty minutes from Pasadena, and what I heard is you 324 00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:42,439 Speaker 1: can extend your vacation in Los Angeles. So when my 325 00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:45,040 Speaker 1: two weeks were up, I took her up on that offer. 326 00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:50,520 Speaker 1: Rehab had been a blur in my mind, may as 327 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:55,040 Speaker 1: well have been a glamorous to expend at Miami. The 328 00:22:55,119 --> 00:22:58,800 Speaker 1: choice to be there had never really been mine. I'd 329 00:22:58,840 --> 00:23:00,600 Speaker 1: only done it to get my room mamatee off my back, 330 00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:06,679 Speaker 1: and then without realizing it, I locked myself in. But 331 00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:09,919 Speaker 1: when they told me you're going straight into detos, I 332 00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:13,280 Speaker 1: was pretty passive about the decision. It was sort of 333 00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:17,359 Speaker 1: like getting caught in a recovery whirlpool, getting slowly dragged 334 00:23:17,359 --> 00:23:22,280 Speaker 1: in by the institution, by the people around me. In reality, 335 00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:24,960 Speaker 1: I could have left the facility that day if I 336 00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:28,000 Speaker 1: really wanted to, So maybe there's a little bit of 337 00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:28,720 Speaker 1: courage there. 338 00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:32,679 Speaker 2: I didn't fight the current. I just went with it. 339 00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:37,879 Speaker 1: I made friends, talked shit, basically pretended to be a 340 00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:41,880 Speaker 1: seeless celebrity on a rehab reality show. I didn't take 341 00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:45,960 Speaker 1: anything all that. Seriously, I just stayed in the flow. 342 00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:49,320 Speaker 1: Even if I wasn't ready to face myself at rehab. 343 00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:53,320 Speaker 1: Maybe on some level I was taking these small baby 344 00:23:53,359 --> 00:24:04,240 Speaker 1: steps towards the mirror. Hey, listeners, there's a lot of 345 00:24:04,280 --> 00:24:07,520 Speaker 1: difficult subjects that we cover in this show. If you 346 00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:10,280 Speaker 1: or someone you know needs help, you can reach the 347 00:24:10,359 --> 00:24:13,879 Speaker 1: Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Hotline at TWE eight 348 00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:17,919 Speaker 1: hundred sixty six y two four three five y seven. 349 00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:19,359 Speaker 2: They'll connect you. 350 00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:23,359 Speaker 1: With information and resources on treatment. There's also the National 351 00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:28,919 Speaker 1: Suicide Prevention Lifeline at twenty hundred two seven three TA 352 00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:33,800 Speaker 1: l K. Both are available twenty four seven. You don't 353 00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:36,160 Speaker 1: have to be in crisis to reach out either. They're 354 00:24:36,200 --> 00:24:39,800 Speaker 1: available to anyone who needs help. You can also reach 355 00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:42,840 Speaker 1: the National Sexual Assault Hotline twenty four to seven at 356 00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:50,720 Speaker 1: one eight hundred six five six four six seven. Three 357 00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:54,440 Speaker 1: Crumbs is a Somota production in partnership with iheartsmichel througha 358 00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:58,760 Speaker 1: Network and Trojan Horse Media. It's produced by Margaret Catcher 359 00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:04,240 Speaker 1: and Patame Ragna and edited by Rodrigo Crespo. Original music 360 00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:08,560 Speaker 1: by Dee Peter Schmidt and engineering by Manuel Barra Studio. 361 00:25:08,600 --> 00:25:13,400 Speaker 1: Recording by JTV Recording and Podcasting Studio Executive produced by 362 00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:16,880 Speaker 1: Conor Burne and jessav And Says for iHeart, Alex Filmetro, 363 00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:22,240 Speaker 1: Elizabeth Schutzo and Margaret Catcher for Trojan Horse, Camilla Vittriano, 364 00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:28,320 Speaker 1: Joshuo Weinstein, Forer Sonoro and me emmio LEA special thanks 365 00:25:28,359 --> 00:25:33,359 Speaker 1: to Marina Cornella. Listen to Crumbs on the iHeartRadio app, 366 00:25:33,760 --> 00:25:47,240 Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.