Speaker 1: I'm Laurie Gottlieb. I'm the author of Maybe You Should
Speaker 1: Talk to Someone, and I write the Dear Therapist advice
Speaker 1: column for the Atlantic.
Speaker 2: And I'm Guy Wench. I'm the author of Emotional First Aid,
Speaker 2: and I write the Dear Guy advice column for Ted.
Speaker 2: And this is Dear Therapists. This week, we're going to
Speaker 2: check in on our guests from season two to hear
Speaker 2: how they're doing a year later.
Speaker 1: First, a quick note, Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only.
Speaker 1: It does not constitute medical or psychological advice, and is
Speaker 1: not a substitute for professional healthcare advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
Speaker 1: In the sessions you'll hear, all names have been changed
Speaker 1: for the privacy of our guests.
Speaker 2: Today, we're checking in with Lauren from season two. Her
Speaker 2: episode was called Lauren's Sexual Shame. The issue was that
Speaker 2: Lauren didn't have sex until she was in her thirties,
Speaker 2: and she didn't have many relationships since then either. So
Speaker 2: when she came to Ask last year, and she's in
Speaker 2: her fifties at this she felt really embarrassed about her
Speaker 2: lack of relationship experience. She was convinced that men would
Speaker 2: judge her for not having that experience. We also learned
Speaker 2: during the session that Lauren had been responsible for her
Speaker 2: mother's emotional will being growing up and her physical will
Speaker 2: being later in life, and she actually lived with Lauren
Speaker 2: then until she died. Lauren's mother gave her the message
Speaker 2: in subtle and sometimes not very subtle ways, that she
Speaker 2: should be there for her instead of being out there
Speaker 2: and dating like her sisters who had full lives.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and Lauren really didn't see the extent of this
Speaker 1: imperative that her mother conveyed to her over the years,
Speaker 1: and how her feeling guilty and disloyal really sabotaged her
Speaker 1: efforts to be in a serious relationship in early adulthood,
Speaker 1: and in fact, her first sexual experience didn't occur until
Speaker 1: after her mother died. And as a result of all this,
Speaker 1: Lauren really saw herself as damaged and she had a
Speaker 1: lot of shame around this, rather than seeing herself as
Speaker 1: being someone who was kind and compassionate and loyal for
Speaker 1: the sacrifices that she did make. So let's get a
Speaker 1: reminder from that session.
Speaker 3: I guess I'm afraid to get into a relationship in
Speaker 3: a sense because then people ask you like about your history,
Speaker 3: and it's embarrassing one to be fifty three and single.
Speaker 3: I know children, and you know when you mentioned that
Speaker 3: to people, male or female, they're always like shocked. And
Speaker 3: I've had people say, oh gosh, what's wrong with you?
Speaker 2: And now let's hear how Lauren is doing.
Speaker 4: One year later, Hi, Laurian guy, this says Lauren. A
Speaker 4: lot's changed. I moved to the city where I'd wanted
Speaker 4: to live for a very long long time, and I
Speaker 4: went against everybody else's advice and moved where I wanted to.
Speaker 4: I'm really enjoying my life here. The biggest change that
Speaker 4: I made is just being nicer and more compassionate to myself,
Speaker 4: and I think that's allowed me to open up and
Speaker 4: deepen my friendships in relationships with people, I feel like
Speaker 4: I'm able to be a little bit more vulnerable, more loving,
Speaker 4: and I feel happier. I'm having deeper relationships, more honest relationships.
Speaker 4: I actually met someone. I met a guy who I
Speaker 4: really really liked, and for the first time in my life,
Speaker 4: I was able to actually tell this guy what I
Speaker 4: liked about him, what I didn't like. You know, if
Speaker 4: he did something I didn't like, I brought it to
Speaker 4: his attention in a gentle way out like pointing the finger.
Speaker 4: He actually appreciated how I communicated with him. I ended
Speaker 4: up breaking up with him basically because relationship wasn't headed
Speaker 4: in the direction that I wanted to go in. It's
Speaker 4: the first time in my life that I've actually broken
Speaker 4: up with someone. So I feel although I'm sad because
Speaker 4: I wanted to work out, I feel proud of myself
Speaker 4: that I was actually able to break up with someone,
Speaker 4: someone who I really liked a lot. And so instead
Speaker 4: of just staying in a relationship to be in a
Speaker 4: relationship where to get only half of what I want,
Speaker 4: I decided I was worth more and that I wasn't
Speaker 4: just going to stick around for crumbs. That for me,
Speaker 4: it is huge.
Speaker 5: I think.
Speaker 4: One of the things is that Laurie pointed out, like
Speaker 4: how I was really influenced by living with my mother
Speaker 4: and grandmother, who were both widowed and never remarried and
Speaker 4: never dated after their husbands died. So I thought about
Speaker 4: that a lot, and I see where I was living
Speaker 4: my life based on somebody else's expectations or just learned
Speaker 4: behavior from them. One of the big things that I've
Speaker 4: learned recently is that I make a lot of decision
Speaker 4: based on what other people think I should do. Like,
Speaker 4: for example, my sister is very big into telling me
Speaker 4: what to do, and I realized that it's not good
Speaker 4: for me to listen to her. My life is not hers.
Speaker 4: I'm not a married woman with children, so I can't
Speaker 4: expect to live the life of a married woman with children.
Speaker 4: I have to live the life that I have based
Speaker 4: on my circumstances and my wants and desires. I think
Speaker 4: that being more self compassionate made me value myself more too,
Speaker 4: not just relationships, but on the job. I was actually
Speaker 4: working for someone who's a part time job and she
Speaker 4: hadn't paid me for six weeks, and she acted like
Speaker 4: I had a lot of nerve asking for money, and
Speaker 4: so I basically decided one night, I'm just going to
Speaker 4: tell her that was my last weekend that I'm working.
Speaker 4: When I told her that, she was kind of floored.
Speaker 4: She was, what, You're not afraid you're going to get
Speaker 4: the money? And I'm like, no, I just don't like
Speaker 4: the way I've been treating So I found myself standing
Speaker 4: up for myself, which is a new thing for me.
Speaker 4: So I think that in talking with you guys. It
Speaker 4: kind of acted as a catalyst to start taking a better,
Speaker 4: more detailed look at my life. So I really appreciate you,
Speaker 4: Laurie and Guy for the insight that you gave me,
Speaker 4: the things that you pointed out, and the advice. I'm
Speaker 4: very grateful. Thank you.
Speaker 2: That was really great to hear. Lauren has done a
Speaker 2: lot over this year. A few things really stood out
Speaker 2: for me, and one is the self compassion that she's practicing.
Speaker 2: You could hear the joy in her voice where she
Speaker 2: said it was like, this feels good to be self compassionate.
Speaker 2: It feels good to be kind to yourself, and it's
Speaker 2: also allowing her to be more vulnerable and it to
Speaker 2: deepen her friendships. So I think that was a really
Speaker 2: pivotal thing for her to really try and move away
Speaker 2: from the judgmentals, criticism and become more self compassionate. And
Speaker 2: it's part of a larger thing that she's doing, which
Speaker 2: she's looking inside more, she's figuring out what she wants.
Speaker 2: She's lowering the volume on what everyone around her thinks
Speaker 2: so she can hear her own internal voice more clearly
Speaker 2: and make the decisions that are right for her, Like
Speaker 2: moving to the city.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I love that. She said she's not living her life
Speaker 1: based on others expectations anymore. And I think what's really
Speaker 1: interesting is that we talked in the session about how
Speaker 1: she missed all those years of developing into her full
Speaker 1: adult self because she was living really at the service
Speaker 1: of her mother for all those years, and then after
Speaker 1: her mother died, she still didn't really have what we
Speaker 1: were talking about, the self compassion, the perspective of hey,
Speaker 1: I missed all this time, and it's okay that I'm
Speaker 1: making up for lost time. And I think over this
Speaker 1: last year she really took that to heart. She's had
Speaker 1: a real shift in perspective and that shows. With the
Speaker 1: guy that she was dating, she was very open with
Speaker 1: him and clear with herself about what was working for her,
Speaker 1: what was not working for her, and it sounds like
Speaker 1: she communicated that in a very kind way, so she
Speaker 1: didn't overcompensate. She was very clear and reasonable, and she
Speaker 1: said he even appreciated that, and ultimately he wasn't able
Speaker 1: to give her what she wanted. She said she didn't
Speaker 1: want fifty percent of her relationship. She wanted a full relationship.
Speaker 1: She didn't want crumbs and that shows that now she
Speaker 1: appreciates her value, she knows her worth. And I think
Speaker 1: that also showed up where she was standing up for
Speaker 1: herself not only in that relationship, but in her job
Speaker 1: where she wasn't being paid on time. So she trusts
Speaker 1: that she's asking for something reasonable, and that is a
Speaker 1: big shift for her.
Speaker 2: It's truly a big shift. And we always point out
Speaker 2: that when people make changes that then generalize to other
Speaker 2: areas of their life, it means they made that change
Speaker 2: from a very deep place. And so that self compassion
Speaker 2: that she's been practicing, getting in touch with her own
Speaker 2: needs and feelings, and even being willing to break up
Speaker 2: with someone in which the relationship is going well but
Speaker 2: just not well enough. All those really assertive acts, and
Speaker 2: that sets her up to be assertive in other domains
Speaker 2: as well, like her job.
Speaker 1: And the one thing we didn't hear from Lauren that
Speaker 1: I'm curious about is what's going on with her romantic
Speaker 1: life now that she's out of this other relationship. So
Speaker 1: is she actively dating? Is she asking her friends now
Speaker 1: that she's more vulnerable with them? You know, do you
Speaker 1: have anybody you can set me up with? Because that
Speaker 1: makes it a positive experience. People love to set other
Speaker 1: people up, people love to help people fall in love,
Speaker 1: and she used to be so ashamed of her romantic
Speaker 1: life that I hope she's opening up to people and saying,
Speaker 1: you know, I really am looking for a partner. Do
Speaker 1: you know anybody for me?
Speaker 2: I also hope she's being active in her dating life.
Speaker 2: I think what strikes me most here that the key
Speaker 2: thing she did was that she was finally able to
Speaker 2: change her story. And the change was that instead of
Speaker 2: being this person who it's shameful that she never had sex,
Speaker 2: she now sees herself as someone who had sacrificed so
Speaker 2: much to take care of her mother. And what that
Speaker 2: did is it delayter by ten years, and so very
Speaker 2: soon after that she actually did find her first boyfriend,
Speaker 2: she did have sex. Once she changed that story, it
Speaker 2: freed her up so much that she's made incredible changes
Speaker 2: over this one year. It's really great to hear that
Speaker 2: she's finally living the life she deserves.
Speaker 1: Next week, we'll check in with Hillary, an addictions counselor
Speaker 1: who developed a new addiction of her own, to hear
Speaker 1: how she's doing one year later.
Speaker 5: For the first time in my life, I experienced physical
Speaker 5: symptoms of anxiety and to alleviate those physical symptoms. It
Speaker 5: felt really good to fill up my car and buy something,
Speaker 5: and I didn't realize that that's what was happening until
Speaker 5: I was six thousand dollars in debt.
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Speaker 2: If you have a dilemma you'd like to discuss with us,
Speaker 2: email us at Laurie and Guy at iHeartMedia dot com.
Speaker 2: Our executive producer is Noel Brown. We're produced and edited
Speaker 2: by Josh Fisher. Additional editing support by Helena Rosen, John
Speaker 2: Washington and Zachary Fisher. Our interns are Ben Bernstein, Emily
Speaker 2: Gutierrez and Silver Lifton and special thanks to our podcast
Speaker 2: Fairy Godmother Katie Curic. You can't wait to see you
Speaker 2: at our next session. Deo Therapist is a production of iHeartRadio,
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