Speaker 1: We're back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth and
Speaker 1: coming in September a new site we have built together
Speaker 1: called defect or Defector, and we're gonna have a new
Speaker 1: podcast to go with it, this Verry podcast, which has
Speaker 1: the name The Distraction. It's out right now at available
Speaker 1: every rust. Get your podcast at such a Spotify, Apple,
Speaker 1: Go listen right now to the Distraction everywhere. It's out
Speaker 1: right now. Go listen to see I buy. If I
Speaker 1: could do it all over again, I would have listened
Speaker 1: to my mother dead as dead ass. My mother was
Speaker 1: on point, all right, Cary, and I hear you well.
Speaker 1: If I could do it all over again, I wouldn't
Speaker 1: have had that big ass wedding. I would have had
Speaker 1: the destination wedding that to have. And I wouldn't have
Speaker 1: listened to a lot of people, some people in your
Speaker 1: family who was throwing shade about me wanting to have
Speaker 1: a destination wedding. Oh man, why do you got brings
Speaker 1: to my family? We need a time, We need a McLaurin.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying any name. We need because we need
Speaker 1: go back in time. Y'all. Thin is only some money.
Speaker 1: They plenty money plenty money, as my West Indian family
Speaker 1: would say, dead ass. Hey, I'm Cadine and and we're
Speaker 1: the ellis Is. You may know us from posting funny
Speaker 1: videos without boys and reading each other publicly as a
Speaker 1: form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Speaker 1: And one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir,
Speaker 1: we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about
Speaker 1: some of Live's most taboo topics, things most folks don't
Speaker 1: want to talk about through the lens of a millennial
Speaker 1: married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say
Speaker 1: every day. Where we say dead ass, we're actually saying
Speaker 1: facts one honey, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing
Speaker 1: but the truth. But we're about to take pillow talk
Speaker 1: to a whole new level. Dead ask starts now. My
Speaker 1: brother was graduating from US and it was Memorial Day
Speaker 1: weekend and I was like, bro, I need a favorite, Like,
Speaker 1: what's up us? You know I love Cadine and I
Speaker 1: plan on making her my wife. Um, I would like
Speaker 1: to share this moment with everyone in our family, including
Speaker 1: you and her family. The best way to surprise her
Speaker 1: because our families are so close that all of her
Speaker 1: families to come to our events. So I was like,
Speaker 1: I wanted to propose to her at your barbecue. Whenever
Speaker 1: someone graduates in our family, it's a big deal. So
Speaker 1: we already have a barbecue. All of the neighbors are there,
Speaker 1: so we have the barbecue. All of the men and
Speaker 1: our family knew I was going to propose. I didn't
Speaker 1: tell any women except except for her mom, because you know,
Speaker 1: you had to have to ask if she would allow
Speaker 1: you to take me from under her with me and
Speaker 1: your mom had had a tumultuous pass like we were.
Speaker 1: There was some years and it was like, yeah, there
Speaker 1: was some years and then where we didn't talk. I
Speaker 1: wouldn't go by the house. So um, it's that time
Speaker 1: now where everyone's giving speeches about Brian, and Brian's my brother.
Speaker 1: Everyone knows that's my best friend. And I go up
Speaker 1: there to give a speech, and midway through the speech,
Speaker 1: I tell him I need you to play this song.
Speaker 1: So now I'm talking about my brother, talking about how
Speaker 1: much I love him and proud of him graduating, getting
Speaker 1: his degree, and I'm thinking, why are they playing this
Speaker 1: song in the middle of the start playing incomplete, so
Speaker 1: I see all of the women looking around like this
Speaker 1: is a little weird. All the dudes is looking around like, yo,
Speaker 1: I know he loves his brother, but Jesus. And then
Speaker 1: I started talking about having a best friend in that
Speaker 1: transition from having a best friend and going through college
Speaker 1: with the best friend and people like he didn't even
Speaker 1: go to college with Brian and knowing that you've met
Speaker 1: the right one. And then I see everybody's face, starts
Speaker 1: to look at Codeine, and Codeine is holding the camera
Speaker 1: right just kind of oblivious. At this point, I'm like
Speaker 1: holding the camera because I was all about like they
Speaker 1: knew I always had my camera. I love to capture
Speaker 1: moments and whatnot. So I'm standing there with the camera
Speaker 1: and I look over at his cousin Porsche, and she's
Speaker 1: like she's holding her face and she's shaking her head.
Speaker 1: I just water read my mom and her and Devous
Speaker 1: my mom were like hugging each other in the corner,
Speaker 1: and I was like, no way. Supportia takes the camera
Speaker 1: out of my hand and then turns it to me
Speaker 1: because she's trying to capture the moment now for me
Speaker 1: and everyone kind of parts like the red Sea and
Speaker 1: I'm standing in the yard. Do you remember what you
Speaker 1: did myself. I put my hands over my head. I
Speaker 1: was like, not believe it was happening. Then I walk
Speaker 1: over there, get on my knee as gonna marry me,
Speaker 1: and she cries and she says, of course, of course,
Speaker 1: and s you opened that ringbox. I was like, hell, yeah,
Speaker 1: yeah it was. It was going down all the expensive
Speaker 1: cause all of the money. Don't know. I can make
Speaker 1: believe everything, but I can't intending. Don't see that without
Speaker 1: you came My life in complete without you. Ca Hey,
Speaker 1: oh my, it makes so much sense why you were
Speaker 1: adamant about picking this song. This was the song that
Speaker 1: played in the background when Devout proposed to me a
Speaker 1: guy yes, in front of all of our family and friends.
Speaker 1: They were at least over people in that backyard. Shout
Speaker 1: out to Karaoke Town for bringing us back to that
Speaker 1: moment the fields. It was funny because, you know, I
Speaker 1: envisioned my wedding day like what my husband was gonna
Speaker 1: look like, how he was going to propose, and you
Speaker 1: you think you want things done a certain way, and
Speaker 1: me being kind of like the control freak I am,
Speaker 1: you know, wanted to have a part in everything. But
Speaker 1: it was just so perfect the way that you did it. Um.
Speaker 1: I think it meant so much to me and to
Speaker 1: my family for everyone to be there and to be
Speaker 1: a part of it, you know, like the people who
Speaker 1: were significant and there were supposed to be there, and
Speaker 1: you made sure of that. And it wasn't strange to
Speaker 1: me to see my aunt that was there because our
Speaker 1: families were so close and still are. So it was
Speaker 1: just a really really great intimate moment that we had,
Speaker 1: um that we can still talk about to this day.
Speaker 1: So and we got out of pitches, but I want
Speaker 1: to take it back a little bit, right, Okay, Well,
Speaker 1: like when did you know that I was the one?
Speaker 1: Because we talked about this all the time, we we
Speaker 1: don't have the same recollection of when we knew. So
Speaker 1: when did you know that I was the one? I
Speaker 1: feel like I knew really early on after hanging with
Speaker 1: you that day at Hofstra in your dorm room. There
Speaker 1: was no funny business with the two of us. It
Speaker 1: was strictly like just organic the way we flowed. You know,
Speaker 1: I sat on your bed and ate this big hero honey, turkey,
Speaker 1: American cheese, let us tomato and mao, you know, biting it,
Speaker 1: biting into the hero, you know, mayonnaise all over my face,
Speaker 1: just like you were an old friend. And typically, you know,
Speaker 1: when the girls are getting ready to be a guy
Speaker 1: or go out for the first time, there's a facade
Speaker 1: you have to uphold, you know, trying to paint this
Speaker 1: picture of who you think this person wants to see.
Speaker 1: The question were you scared of those feelings like when
Speaker 1: you when you was feeling like, oh my gosh, I'm
Speaker 1: so open, Like, were you scared? Like how am I
Speaker 1: so open? No? No, because it was so organic and
Speaker 1: authentic in that moment. I was just gone with it
Speaker 1: and it felt so good. I felt like, yo, just dude,
Speaker 1: was like my friend and another life or something, you know.
Speaker 1: Hence why after spending so much time to with you,
Speaker 1: just talking about everything, I got to the car and
Speaker 1: my cousin knew I was coming to see you, Sophia
Speaker 1: she was. I called her and I was like, girl, girl,
Speaker 1: and she's like, what don't ever have you know? She
Speaker 1: wants the details on the play by play, And I
Speaker 1: was like, I met my husband tonight that early that early,
Speaker 1: the first day, early, like I knew there was something there.
Speaker 1: This is why girls be crazy, this is what this
Speaker 1: is why girls go crazy. No, I'm den ask this
Speaker 1: is why girls go crazy in relationships because y'all know
Speaker 1: super early I did and guys like, like, my recollection
Speaker 1: of things was very different. I remember, God's God's honest.
Speaker 1: I remember seeing you come out of and the the first
Speaker 1: thing I'm thinking was she find it? And what I
Speaker 1: remember because you were fine, your your hair was going
Speaker 1: all the way down to your back, you didn't have
Speaker 1: too much makeup on, you were slim, but you had
Speaker 1: a little poke out. I was just like, oh my God, like,
Speaker 1: I can't believe she's here to see me. Yeah, you know,
Speaker 1: were my good my good pants? Yes, yes, I know,
Speaker 1: you know, we know we all got them pair of
Speaker 1: jeans and them pants that make it. But just like
Speaker 1: I had to make sure those was washing Lawnder okay,
Speaker 1: because I had to Edward khakis on. I had a
Speaker 1: little stretch. It didn't hold in the butt. I was like, why,
Speaker 1: she's freaking beautiful. So I was like, okay, okay, don't
Speaker 1: mess this up. She's a year older than you, alright. Um.
Speaker 1: What people don't know was that I'm a late bloomer
Speaker 1: right like in in middle school, I was only four
Speaker 1: eleven sixty five pounds. So when all of the girls
Speaker 1: that I liked to have crushes on like all the
Speaker 1: other guys, because they had developed faster, they were taller,
Speaker 1: they had went through puberty. I didn't really go through
Speaker 1: puberty until the middle of high school, So my interactions
Speaker 1: with women weren't always like the best. Like I wasn't
Speaker 1: like this dude in the high school who was like
Speaker 1: cool Rico suave. I was a skinny kid, no mustache,
Speaker 1: no beard, no real muscles. So now I'm in college
Speaker 1: and I gotta deal with women. A woman, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, not really knowing, Like I didn't know myself.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying that I didn't. So I
Speaker 1: got this woman who's like gorgeous, beautiful, she's a year
Speaker 1: older than me. She's coming to my dorm. So I'm like, okay,
Speaker 1: I gotta gotta be cool. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: Do you always alcohol I was old? I only I
Speaker 1: got you three months. I'll take it back. I didn't
Speaker 1: mean old like he's an older woman. He thought I
Speaker 1: was more experienced, not even more experienced. But for men,
Speaker 1: you used to dealing with women who are younger than
Speaker 1: you because women always want to deal with dudes who
Speaker 1: are older. Y'all like more but your guys. All of
Speaker 1: the high school girls wanted to deal with college guys.
Speaker 1: So if you were in a high school, you know,
Speaker 1: if you were a sophomore in high school, you didn't
Speaker 1: get no play. Then when you were senior, you deal
Speaker 1: with sophomore girls because those girls want to deal with
Speaker 1: the older guys. All the girls my age in high
Speaker 1: school wanted the older guys. So I'm like, okay, I
Speaker 1: got a girl who's a year older than me with me.
Speaker 1: She's probably been dealing with older dudes. And you looked more.
Speaker 1: You looked older. You wore heels, you had a bag.
Speaker 1: You weren't in a book bag in Jordan's. You had
Speaker 1: on a bag. You actually had a tope bag with heels.
Speaker 1: So I'm like, okay, let me play. It's cool. So
Speaker 1: I'm like, let me still be trying to stunt a
Speaker 1: little bit. I have my meal card. I was like, yo, baby,
Speaker 1: let's go to the calf. You can get whatever you
Speaker 1: are yea. So I was like, that was me stunting
Speaker 1: extra pickles on the side that was right there, But
Speaker 1: we can't get what you get her whatever she wanted,
Speaker 1: gonna swipe that ship. I swiped that ship, pulled out
Speaker 1: his ID card, remember that whatever. She won't get that,
Speaker 1: get that. So then we go back to the room
Speaker 1: and I was nervous. I'm not I'm eighteen years old.
Speaker 1: I got this beautiful girl, and you're just sitting on
Speaker 1: my bed and you were acting like the homie. And
Speaker 1: I was kind of like, what the fund is happening here?
Speaker 1: Like she acting like the homie, Like you're not acting
Speaker 1: like a prissy girl. You're acting like the home. You're
Speaker 1: eating this big hero, you're drinking. You were spilling this
Speaker 1: ship on my bed. I was there in the rock
Speaker 1: because I was like, all right, she got crumbs on
Speaker 1: my bed, but that's her crumbs, so I liked it
Speaker 1: as her clumbs. He was like, yeah, I'm gonna go
Speaker 1: like sleeping these sleeping cubs. That's That's how I felt though,
Speaker 1: because I was kind of like, you know, and all
Speaker 1: honestly being being truthful, I was kind of like, Wow,
Speaker 1: she's beautiful, Like I gonna make this work. So now
Speaker 1: we spoke all that time. We were speaking for weeks,
Speaker 1: but at the time I also had a girl I
Speaker 1: was talking to a girlfriend. And the funny thing is,
Speaker 1: like I said, my girlfriend was a junior in high
Speaker 1: school and I was a freshman in college. So I'm
Speaker 1: dealing with a young girl. Woman. She can't come up
Speaker 1: and see me because her mom has to bring her.
Speaker 1: She's a young girl. So space deal distance was happening.
Speaker 1: We weren't talking as much. I'm playing football, then I'm
Speaker 1: we're friends were talking. So I wasn't thinking to myself
Speaker 1: at this time I met the woman that I'm gonna marry.
Speaker 1: My mind as a man is like, don't fuck this up.
Speaker 1: She's bad as hell, right and ultimately you're gonna want
Speaker 1: to smash, so don't suck it up. That's what I'm thinking.
Speaker 1: That's what That's what men think. I didn't even have
Speaker 1: my guards up going to your room that they're thinking, oh,
Speaker 1: he may try something on me. I wasn't trying that night, No, Yeah,
Speaker 1: but she was gonna try. I was gonna try. I
Speaker 1: was like, at some point, I gotta I gotta try
Speaker 1: because and in my mind, as you're a young man,
Speaker 1: you're thinking, this is a woman who's dealt with older guys.
Speaker 1: You gotta put your mark in and let her know
Speaker 1: like this is what I do, because if you don't,
Speaker 1: she's gonna be like, oh, this thing is whacked. So
Speaker 1: that's what that's what how men think. See. But this
Speaker 1: was funny listening to how you think about how we met.
Speaker 1: This is what a guy is thinking about how we
Speaker 1: met eighteen years old and then in retrospect, we were babies, baby,
Speaker 1: were such. I was not thinking about marriage. I was
Speaker 1: thinking about love. I was thinking develop this ulf. She's
Speaker 1: bad as hell. So wait, what was that? So what
Speaker 1: was the turning point for you then? Like when did
Speaker 1: you know that marriage was the next step? Well? Ship,
Speaker 1: when I know marriage was the next step? You jumped?
Speaker 1: You jumped about the whole decade. Um. Yeah, well, when
Speaker 1: we were dating throughout college, there were times in our
Speaker 1: relationship where you like shocked me like that you you
Speaker 1: just you just shocked me. I remember once in particular,
Speaker 1: when I broke my finger and I had to get
Speaker 1: surgery and you're you're nineteen, I'm eighteen. You came to
Speaker 1: the hospital with me and sat in there to get
Speaker 1: my if I got my finger, I had surgery, and
Speaker 1: my my father's there was like, oh, Cadine's outside. I
Speaker 1: was like, ship, she's actually here. Then when we went
Speaker 1: back to the dorm, you nursed me back to health.
Speaker 1: And it's not like I was in Alabama and I
Speaker 1: was a guaranteed first round pick. I was a small
Speaker 1: walk on in Haystra. To me, in my mind, I
Speaker 1: was like, you're not doing this because you see the
Speaker 1: you were just there and you were so to be
Speaker 1: completely honest, you were so small that I was like,
Speaker 1: this guy can't play in the NFL. But I'm like,
Speaker 1: I didn't think I was too. If you can get
Speaker 1: his college paid for, well, all the better because we
Speaker 1: won't have no loans when we graduate. Exactly, we ain't
Speaker 1: gonna have that. So get your college paid for a boom,
Speaker 1: and then we can get our jobs and we can
Speaker 1: start this life. But then you just said it. How
Speaker 1: many nights did we sit in the dorm and just
Speaker 1: talk about, all right, so we're gonna graduate. We don't
Speaker 1: got no debt. If we work, we can buy We work,
Speaker 1: we make dollars, we save it. We can put a
Speaker 1: down payment on the Brownstone, we can live on the
Speaker 1: first floor, run at the top two, have no mortgage,
Speaker 1: and then we can pursue our career in TV and film.
Speaker 1: Like we talked about those things at nineteen years old.
Speaker 1: So going through that, going through my injuries with football,
Speaker 1: and you always be in there, you sitting sleeping, sitting
Speaker 1: up with me. When I separated my shoulder my senior year.
Speaker 1: I remembers the couch cushions out and put them up
Speaker 1: against the floor. Remember that. I remember that. Let me
Speaker 1: pat myself on the Okay, that was a cute little
Speaker 1: boo that you did right there. You secured the bag
Speaker 1: with that. Tell them. But now it was It was
Speaker 1: those times it made me feel like I didn't know
Speaker 1: if it was marriage, but I was like, no, this
Speaker 1: is my this is my Rynda die right here, Like
Speaker 1: no matter what I get, good thing, he's the one.
Speaker 1: But you knew first day, which is crazy to me. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I knew. It took a little time to actually fall
Speaker 1: in love and be like this is for real, for real,
Speaker 1: But I know I had a feeling when I met
Speaker 1: you that there was something there like I when I
Speaker 1: etched out in my mind like a perfect guy. You
Speaker 1: had had those attributes off the bat, like you can't
Speaker 1: teach charisma, you can't teach ambition, you can't teach drive.
Speaker 1: And those are the things that I saw in you
Speaker 1: just in that six hour conversation that we had. I
Speaker 1: was like, this dude is really talking like you know,
Speaker 1: future future. So that's so ultimately that's what it was.
Speaker 1: It was my mindset. It was it was just what
Speaker 1: I was thinking of where I was to go that
Speaker 1: kind of that's mind with my mindset. And I was like,
Speaker 1: this dude is about something. And at nineteen, that's what
Speaker 1: you were thinking about. Why that's we were able to
Speaker 1: have a very intelligent discussion. Now we did. We we
Speaker 1: did have a very intelligent discussion. So let's fast forward
Speaker 1: a little bit, right, So we get married and that
Speaker 1: was a day. It was a great day. It was
Speaker 1: hot as hell. Your uncle Kurt was the the minister
Speaker 1: who officiated the wedding. Did He talks a lot and
Speaker 1: he was outside it was like a hundred and eighty
Speaker 1: degrees butts, you know, sweating bullets, and he just felt
Speaker 1: the need to preach. And I was like, all right,
Speaker 1: you know, the spirits moving him. I can't do that
Speaker 1: much about the spirit, so we're gonna have to rock
Speaker 1: with you. You could do nothing, but I was I
Speaker 1: was playing. I was like, yo, no disrespect to the clergy.
Speaker 1: My nigga boke, it's just hot. Be I got on
Speaker 1: tuxedo and my man's behind me. You gotta keep it moving. Yeah,
Speaker 1: if I when we get married, because we donna get
Speaker 1: married again. You just don't know yet. When we get
Speaker 1: married again, I'm doing a full wedding. I'm not doing
Speaker 1: a summer wedding just well. So, so here's a question
Speaker 1: for you. After we got married, what did you what
Speaker 1: did you expect would be next? Because we got married
Speaker 1: under difficult circumstances, right, and then we're the wedding is over,
Speaker 1: we come back from my honeymoon, and we're back in
Speaker 1: the apartment and you you have a job. I'm still
Speaker 1: trying to figure out what I'm going to do. What
Speaker 1: were you thinking? I was honestly thinking like, oh shit, okay,
Speaker 1: so the wedding is here and gone, Like, so what
Speaker 1: we're supposed to do now? No one prepares you for
Speaker 1: this stuff, And I should say no one. I feel
Speaker 1: like no one in my family prepared me for it. Um,
Speaker 1: I just went off of seeing, oh okay, my parents
Speaker 1: have carried it together. I have aunts and uncle's married
Speaker 1: and together, but no one really prepared me. I feel
Speaker 1: like in that they were able to divulge information about
Speaker 1: the actual act of being married and like, you know,
Speaker 1: as a wife, things that my husband may expect from me,
Speaker 1: or things that we should be playing. We didn't do
Speaker 1: marriage counseling, which was something my uncle was like, you
Speaker 1: guys should totally do marriage counseling, but I guess we
Speaker 1: didn't see the value in it at the time. I'm um,
Speaker 1: but also to some people are so tain did and
Speaker 1: jaded by their own situations that you kind of don't
Speaker 1: want to hear it, especially because we had so many
Speaker 1: people over the years counting us out, saying yall and
Speaker 1: gonna make it through that. Y'alling gonna make it through that.
Speaker 1: So we were just like I was just like, you know,
Speaker 1: we've always found a way, you know, so we're gonna
Speaker 1: find a way. And there was just no other option
Speaker 1: to me, like this is something that was never going
Speaker 1: to fail. There was no other option. So we had
Speaker 1: to find a way during the wedding, like during the
Speaker 1: wedding process, during the wedding, getting married. At the end
Speaker 1: of the wedding, now the marriage starts. Were you happy
Speaker 1: during the whole process. The wedding part was stressful. We
Speaker 1: had a very big wedding for no reason, Like if
Speaker 1: I could do that all over again, I would do
Speaker 1: like you said in the beginning and have a smaller
Speaker 1: intimate thing because a small fraction of those three d
Speaker 1: and thirty three people who actually came we talked to
Speaker 1: still to this day, you know, digging up people to
Speaker 1: find to go to a wedding is just ridiculous. Um.
Speaker 1: And that's something I didn't see at that point. I
Speaker 1: was just like blinded by like the dress in the
Speaker 1: day and the theatrics. Um. But then after that, yes,
Speaker 1: I was happy in that moment, but then I went
Speaker 1: through a moment of being very unhappy and being like,
Speaker 1: well what did I just do? Because you would ask
Speaker 1: me do you want the wedding or should we get
Speaker 1: a house? Should we put a down payment on a house?
Speaker 1: In my mind, I was like, oh, we already have
Speaker 1: two houses in other states. Let's do the wedding. It's
Speaker 1: the one day, you know what I mean, Yes, it's
Speaker 1: one day, but it was the one day that we met.
Speaker 1: It goes down in history as our wedding day. And
Speaker 1: I'm only doing this one time. So um. For me,
Speaker 1: that was the biggest thing, Like, Okay, we had the
Speaker 1: wedding day that was done, but it's like the what's
Speaker 1: next and and full transparency, full transparency. I was scared
Speaker 1: throughout the whole process. I was unsure about everything, and
Speaker 1: I did not know what two weeks I didn't know
Speaker 1: how to feel like. I knew that I loved you,
Speaker 1: but in full transparency, I didn't know if I was
Speaker 1: ready to be married. Because you remember when I first proposed,
Speaker 1: I said we should be engaged for two years rebuild
Speaker 1: our finances, and you were like, I don't want to
Speaker 1: be engaged for two years, right, And at the time,
Speaker 1: I was thinking about what other people would say or
Speaker 1: would think. You know, I just got out of the
Speaker 1: nfl UM. We were struggling financially. I didn't want to
Speaker 1: make it seem like it was a financial issue, and
Speaker 1: I didn't want to make I didn't want to give
Speaker 1: people the benefit of thinking like, oh, well, de Vour
Speaker 1: screwed his money up so they can't get married. So
Speaker 1: I was stressed. I had stressors outside of us that
Speaker 1: I was letting affect the decisions I made. And it
Speaker 1: was also just like you said, marriage at that point,
Speaker 1: to me was the next step to prove that I'm
Speaker 1: a man. You know, you graduate from high school, you
Speaker 1: get a degree. I mean you gotuate my school, you
Speaker 1: get a scholarship, you go to college, you get a degree,
Speaker 1: you start your career. You have a woman. I have
Speaker 1: a career. I have a woman. I'm making money. I
Speaker 1: have to prove to everyone that I'm successful. Let's get
Speaker 1: married up, you know, saying I got to pick that
Speaker 1: up growing up, and I got my ship together. So
Speaker 1: you get married. After you get married, you by a home.
Speaker 1: It was like those things were more important to me
Speaker 1: than actually knowing where where we were, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, where we were where it wasn't even the
Speaker 1: most important part of rather than me proving that I
Speaker 1: was so on my ship to everybody else and that
Speaker 1: some of that came from the fact that my friends
Speaker 1: had gotten married. Yes, at some point, I feel like
Speaker 1: you had taken that out on me, like, well, I
Speaker 1: got you this house, and I got you this that there,
Speaker 1: And I was like I asked you for all that,
Speaker 1: Like you took it upon yourself to decide that she
Speaker 1: was to buy you can't wait. Well, you gave me
Speaker 1: an ultimatum and said that if I didn't, if I
Speaker 1: didn't make some serious. Come on now, you said to
Speaker 1: me house though, but I wanted to know what was
Speaker 1: going to be the state of our future. Where were
Speaker 1: going to be moving towards being married or were we
Speaker 1: just kind of dancing in this relationship situation. My decision
Speaker 1: wasn't it. You didn't tell me to buy a house,
Speaker 1: but it was like, I got to prove to this one.
Speaker 1: I didn't want to lose you. I wasn't ready for
Speaker 1: marriage because I didn't know where we were, but I
Speaker 1: was like, I got to prove to her that she's
Speaker 1: important to me and that we're not just shacking up.
Speaker 1: So getting a house and proposing was it. And then
Speaker 1: I thought I could give myself two more years with
Speaker 1: the engagement, and you was like, no, I want to
Speaker 1: get married next year. And that's nobody's fault. We were
Speaker 1: both naive to the quote unquote American dream of this
Speaker 1: is how you do things and societal issues of being
Speaker 1: an athlete, and you do this and do that. So
Speaker 1: that's where I was when we got married. Like that's
Speaker 1: full disclosure, Like dead ass. I was scared. I didn't know.
Speaker 1: I just knew that I could figure it out. But
Speaker 1: I did know that with you, we could work through anything.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. I always had the utmost
Speaker 1: faith in you. And it's crazy to hear you talk
Speaker 1: about this stuff now because in that moment, you seem
Speaker 1: to have shipped all together. Like there were many moments
Speaker 1: where I would look at you and you seem like
Speaker 1: you would be fine. And you know, there were days
Speaker 1: that we had where I was just like, Okay, my
Speaker 1: baby really needs like a hug today, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean, Like he's really feeling it. But you did
Speaker 1: a really great job of just making sure that I
Speaker 1: did not feel the brunt of everything we were going through.
Speaker 1: That's my father. I gotta I gotta thank my father
Speaker 1: for that. Like no one, no one told me how
Speaker 1: to be a husband, but one thing my father showed
Speaker 1: me with strength when my parents were going through financial
Speaker 1: issues we never knew and growing up as an adult
Speaker 1: now going through what I went through financially and going
Speaker 1: going back to New York and my father having to
Speaker 1: help me financially and him explaining to me while you know,
Speaker 1: there were times I had to take money out because
Speaker 1: I had issues with this and that I was just
Speaker 1: like you was going through all of that while I
Speaker 1: was applying to college while Brian was up for college
Speaker 1: two years later, and I was like, you never said anything.
Speaker 1: He was like, that's my job on me that I said,
Speaker 1: you used to walk around here and smile all the time.
Speaker 1: And He's like, I put my faith in God and
Speaker 1: I know that everything would be all right. And I
Speaker 1: felt like if my father could do that, then that's
Speaker 1: part of being a husband. It is holding that brunt,
Speaker 1: you know, so that my wife, who was going to
Speaker 1: have to bear the brunt of having children should not
Speaker 1: have that stresses. And that's that's one thing, yes, but
Speaker 1: that's that's that I felt like that was my cross
Speaker 1: to bear. It was not I hear you, I get it.
Speaker 1: I get it. And I think that was probably the
Speaker 1: hardest issue that we had UM in the beginning beginning
Speaker 1: a marriage. And I came from a family that my
Speaker 1: father made very wise financial decisions. My mom was a
Speaker 1: hard worker. She still is um. You know, early on
Speaker 1: in my childhood, I remember them really working together financially
Speaker 1: to be able to set things up for us, you know,
Speaker 1: to immigrant um people coming up to America to start
Speaker 1: a life and leave some sort of legacy for their children.
Speaker 1: My parents had an excellent job with that um And
Speaker 1: that was some of the takeaways that I've gotten from
Speaker 1: my parents as like good advice. You know. And then
Speaker 1: over the years, life happens, and as you get older,
Speaker 1: you tend to see why your parents don't communicate the
Speaker 1: way they used to work. You know, things start to
Speaker 1: you start to recognize and realize things as an adult.
Speaker 1: And it's not a blame game where you say blame
Speaker 1: one person or the other. You know, Mom is right,
Speaker 1: Dad is wrong. You just realize that they're people and
Speaker 1: their stresses that they're dealing with, which is in part
Speaker 1: too why I don't really listen to as much advice
Speaker 1: per se when it comes to relationships, and why I
Speaker 1: don't profess to be a relationship you know, We've had
Speaker 1: people on social media, you know, ask us about doing
Speaker 1: marriage counseling or about doing you know, relationship panels and
Speaker 1: things like that, and I'm sitting here still trying to
Speaker 1: figure out this man. Every single day, every single day
Speaker 1: I wake up because I change every day exactly change
Speaker 1: our purpose. I like working with you, clearly, I wake
Speaker 1: up tuesdays what I'm gonna be to day because you
Speaker 1: want me to be crazy convinced. I think you'd low
Speaker 1: key like that. I like when you're crazy, the sexiest,
Speaker 1: better when you know, but we're still someone recently, I
Speaker 1: think in one of the questions that we had asked
Speaker 1: recently was like, hey, UM, do you mind mentoring me
Speaker 1: and my husband and our marriage or something like that,
Speaker 1: And I was like, I need a mentor. It's like,
Speaker 1: who am I gonna talk to you? You You know? Um?
Speaker 1: And and that's just how it tends to be. Well,
Speaker 1: it's funny you said something about advice, right one of
Speaker 1: the I wouldn't even call it advice. But one thing
Speaker 1: I learned from my father and I learned from your
Speaker 1: father is that when your finances are in order, your
Speaker 1: marriage is a lot happier place because finances is the
Speaker 1: number one reason why most people get divorced. And people
Speaker 1: come from different financial backgrounds. People you know, have different
Speaker 1: and I did. I didn't know anything about like a
Speaker 1: credit card or credit scores or anything. That was probably
Speaker 1: one of the biggest things that we had to go
Speaker 1: through was learning each other financially, because think about it,
Speaker 1: you meet in college almost scholarship. You know, in the scholarship,
Speaker 1: you're already we both have stipends and meal plans. There's
Speaker 1: no stresses. Their financial absolutely not. That's why I was
Speaker 1: always say Carlos colleges with the best years. We had
Speaker 1: no stress. And then we go from college to the NFL. No,
Speaker 1: now I have an abundance of money. I had no money,
Speaker 1: no stresses, and abundance of money. So you get into
Speaker 1: this la la land world of oh, this is easy,
Speaker 1: being an adult is easy. Then reality comes like a
Speaker 1: mack truck, and no one was there to teach you
Speaker 1: how to communicate through those financial issues. For example, I
Speaker 1: remember with the A Max card, everyone calls you the
Speaker 1: A Max killer, right killer. And let me be clear,
Speaker 1: Codeine has always worked and always made money. She's always
Speaker 1: made real good money. She's never been just a stay
Speaker 1: at home mom. Even when we were playing even when
Speaker 1: I was playing ball, she was always out trying to
Speaker 1: figure out what she gonna do her career. She figured
Speaker 1: that out with makeup when I had retired. So Kadine
Speaker 1: always made money. The issue was the rate at which
Speaker 1: you spend money and understanding that to income ratio, and
Speaker 1: you would get so upset at me. We shared an
Speaker 1: American Express because she needed to build her credit. I
Speaker 1: always had good credit because my father helped me build
Speaker 1: my credit with credit back, which is something that my
Speaker 1: parents didn't talk to me about really like that my
Speaker 1: father had good credit. But it was never like a
Speaker 1: lesson thing. It was like, I want to take care
Speaker 1: of you all good, right, which which I understand now.
Speaker 1: But my father's thing was you always go through your
Speaker 1: itemized list and you check your account every day. So
Speaker 1: for me, I'm going through my eyemns and I'm checking
Speaker 1: my account, so I'm like, codein what you spend on this?
Speaker 1: How much is this? And you used to get so
Speaker 1: upset you see it, you can add see. But it
Speaker 1: wasn't about me adding. It was about me taking you
Speaker 1: through the process of learning. But that was also something
Speaker 1: we never had to deal with in our relationship. So
Speaker 1: that stress was new to us, and it made it
Speaker 1: seem like marriage was sucking us up because that was
Speaker 1: just a new stress. Had that stress been added when
Speaker 1: we were in college, you know, then we would have
Speaker 1: been used to dealing with that communication. So learning how
Speaker 1: to deal with the finances learning curve for us. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's the best advice I got from my father. And
Speaker 1: watching your father communicating and being one with the finances
Speaker 1: made things a lot smooth now. Absolutely so some of
Speaker 1: the practices that we used to keep a good balance
Speaker 1: in our relationship. I think the biggest practice is trying
Speaker 1: to over communicate. Yes, like it's like we have very
Speaker 1: long conversations sometimes, but it's so necessary. It's so necessary
Speaker 1: because nothing falls by the wayside, nothing falls to the crash,
Speaker 1: and it leaves less room for assuming assuming that you know,
Speaker 1: assuming that you understand, you know, agreeing to this degree,
Speaker 1: you can't you can't let self falter when it comes
Speaker 1: to the marriage and relationship. So just like today, remember
Speaker 1: you were like we were arguing and you're like, we
Speaker 1: table this until later, and I was like, no, we're
Speaker 1: not tabling ship. We can't say we can't table and
Speaker 1: sometimes you're just exhausting, but this is what happens. Already tired.
Speaker 1: So I was like, damn, but this is what happens.
Speaker 1: Though you want to table it for when it convenient,
Speaker 1: you're gonna say that, But if I got to deal
Speaker 1: with it, it's not convenient for me to table that.
Speaker 1: So we have to push through that inconvenient. If I'm
Speaker 1: not a table that discussion, he's going to head on
Speaker 1: deal with it right now. And you don't just do
Speaker 1: that with me, You do that with him everything in business,
Speaker 1: with your friendship. It's the best way to get it
Speaker 1: out parents with your brother. And you sometimes get a
Speaker 1: bad rap for that. But one thing you'll never have
Speaker 1: to do is guess about how devot is feeling. Will
Speaker 1: be honest, Yeah, it takes it takes the unknown out
Speaker 1: of it with you, which is is That's also how
Speaker 1: we grew up differently, because my father and my mom
Speaker 1: will be on you about something, whereas in your family
Speaker 1: they're kind of like, all right, oh, it's kind of
Speaker 1: just my parents talk about Yeah, they're awful, awful communicators
Speaker 1: independently collectively that's spilled off onto my brother and my
Speaker 1: sister and I. I mean, my brother, sister and I
Speaker 1: have developed a relationship because we're super close where we
Speaker 1: have our own little chats and we talk and stuff
Speaker 1: like that. But even when my mom tries to call
Speaker 1: these family meetings to talk, it's always like an awkwardness
Speaker 1: and they're just weird and nothing gets accomplished. And I
Speaker 1: think at this point, you know, my parents are older
Speaker 1: and they're setting their ways with certain things like that's
Speaker 1: they're marriage so I'm gonna speak on that, um But
Speaker 1: as an adult, I'm able to see and then speak
Speaker 1: to them both separately as individuals, you know, and say, Okay,
Speaker 1: I understand this. I'm understand that. Hey, maybe you should
Speaker 1: fix that or fix that. You know, it's probably hard
Speaker 1: to hear from your kids. You know about does not
Speaker 1: want to hear from you. You want to hear from
Speaker 1: If I start to say, you know what I think school,
Speaker 1: he'd be like, nope, and I don't care. Like my
Speaker 1: mother is always the checker, like my brother is just
Speaker 1: like you, always the want to check somebody, but you
Speaker 1: never want to be the checky, like I want to
Speaker 1: check you on what you've been doing, Like I want
Speaker 1: to call you wanted because this is worth a discussion.
Speaker 1: And I think as I've become this in your face
Speaker 1: kind of person with my family, I think sometimes it
Speaker 1: takes them aback because they're like Cadine, like your borderline disrespectful, disrespectful,
Speaker 1: especially you know Westend in household, you don't talk about you, don't.
Speaker 1: You just do as you're told. You know you you
Speaker 1: are in the room in the back drop just to
Speaker 1: be seen and not heard. As a child. Um So
Speaker 1: I think sometimes my family takes there taken aback when
Speaker 1: I speak out, But I said, this works though, Like
Speaker 1: it's worked with my marriage to get me to this point,
Speaker 1: It's worked in so many other relationships to just be
Speaker 1: so honest and upfront. So so, speaking of honesty, try it.
Speaker 1: I have a question for you, a moment of vulnerability.
Speaker 1: What is one of the most difficult issues that you
Speaker 1: feel like as a wife you've had to take on
Speaker 1: and learn how to deal with with being married to me?
Speaker 1: Man um well, being married to you specifically, Well you
Speaker 1: use mad reasons. I'm I don't know, but I mean,
Speaker 1: damn it. I would have liked to know that, you
Speaker 1: know what, I know it was me kind of like
Speaker 1: processing like that specifically, um, I think a challenge for
Speaker 1: me and it's maybe not even just as a wife,
Speaker 1: but just as cadean as an individual. Matching your intensity
Speaker 1: level sometimes is difficult for me to keep up with.
Speaker 1: And it's a good and a bad thing because it
Speaker 1: helps me to stay motivated. It helps me to stay driven,
Speaker 1: It helps me to stay on top of things as
Speaker 1: I'm working through my you know, art of procrastination. Like
Speaker 1: sometimes it leaves me feeling like I'm falling short, it
Speaker 1: gives me feeling like I not adequate. Yes I do,
Speaker 1: because I feel like sometimes I'm not able to to
Speaker 1: to to hold up to my end of the bargain.
Speaker 1: The way you see foot like, you are such an
Speaker 1: intense person, You're a go getter, You're your work ethic
Speaker 1: is unlike anything I've seen in an individual, probably next
Speaker 1: to my mom, you know. And it's just sometimes I'm
Speaker 1: just like, damn, I want to be like that. Like
Speaker 1: I I have a front row seat to your life
Speaker 1: every day and I see that some nights you get
Speaker 1: a few hours to sleep and you're you're moving and
Speaker 1: you're doing a thousand things at once, and I'm just like,
Speaker 1: how does he do it? But question? How does? But
Speaker 1: what I don't understand is when we talk about this
Speaker 1: all the time is that's one of the issues that
Speaker 1: I deal with the most is that we both work
Speaker 1: in this marriage, but we work differently. I have to
Speaker 1: learn how to allow you to work through your process
Speaker 1: to get stuff done or be who you want to be,
Speaker 1: and not expect you to do it the way I
Speaker 1: want it, because that, to me is where I struggle
Speaker 1: because I know it's like I would have did it
Speaker 1: like this it felt like that. Well, like I said,
Speaker 1: you always think you're right in an argument, and it's
Speaker 1: the same way you're get it. But that's the same way.
Speaker 1: The way you deal with things is like that. It's
Speaker 1: like the Bible, you know what I mean. And I'm
Speaker 1: just like to I did not arrive at it it
Speaker 1: that way. Just because I arride that it differently does
Speaker 1: not mean that my path was less traveled, me that
Speaker 1: my path was less you know, it didn't work any
Speaker 1: less than yours. I agree. I think that's the hardest
Speaker 1: part about being married for me, Like being being vulnerable,
Speaker 1: the hardest issue to work with is that learning how
Speaker 1: to let your your significant other be them as opposed
Speaker 1: to being us collectively, because you're still growing and you're
Speaker 1: still gonna be you know, you're still growing, You're gonna
Speaker 1: be your own person and that and that doesn't the
Speaker 1: reason why I use that rather than just one issue,
Speaker 1: because that issue goes across the line with sex, finances, work, kids.
Speaker 1: We do everything differently. We parent differently, we speak to
Speaker 1: the kids differently, we approach sex differently, we approach finances differently.
Speaker 1: And in the past I used to try to change you,
Speaker 1: to try to do it the way I do it,
Speaker 1: and I used to watch you be so miserable trying
Speaker 1: to do it the way I do it that it's like,
Speaker 1: I don't even want you to try to do it
Speaker 1: the way I do it. To do it at that
Speaker 1: point if it's not organic, if it's not going to
Speaker 1: be authent to how I feel at that time, and
Speaker 1: then it just feels manufactured, And then who wants to
Speaker 1: even deal with that in the marriage, a manufactured version
Speaker 1: of somebody the person. I would assume that you're with
Speaker 1: me because I have attributes that you like and you enjoy,
Speaker 1: and that attracted you to me. I agree. But what
Speaker 1: happens in a lot of marriage is what happens with
Speaker 1: us is we fell in love with each other through
Speaker 1: with those attributes without stressors. So it's like I fell
Speaker 1: in love with you like this when we were going
Speaker 1: through just this, and then we really started to go
Speaker 1: through stuff, and it's like, damn, I didn't know she
Speaker 1: was going to go through that like that. I thought
Speaker 1: she was gonna bust the left. She busted right right now,
Speaker 1: you're right, So that goes back to the conversation your
Speaker 1: mom had with us early early, early on. I'll never
Speaker 1: forget it, guys. So this was how many years into
Speaker 1: our relationship. Maybe we in college, so it was still
Speaker 1: three years, three or four years in since since our relationship,
Speaker 1: and we'd fallen asleep upstairs in the bed. Yeah, but
Speaker 1: it was like I was closed on the body, hated toe.
Speaker 1: It was like head to toe, like I wasn't feeling well.
Speaker 1: I think I might have had a headache or something.
Speaker 1: And when I was watching yeah, and if I was
Speaker 1: sitting on the edge of he ended up falling asleep. So,
Speaker 1: you know, his mom wakes us up and calls us downstairs,
Speaker 1: and she's sitting there with her pepsi because she always
Speaker 1: has a pepsi and she's stirring her straw slowly in
Speaker 1: the cup to build suspense that she's about to read
Speaker 1: the two of us. So she's, you know, stirring her
Speaker 1: her pepsi ever so slowly, and she finally is like,
Speaker 1: um uh, did I miss the wedding? And I was
Speaker 1: like what She's like, did I miss the wedding? You
Speaker 1: guys just sleeping in beds together and stuff, you know,
Speaker 1: did I miss the wedding? And I was like, Lord,
Speaker 1: we are in trouble. We're in trouble. But at that
Speaker 1: point she had a discussion with us about being individuals
Speaker 1: and being able to find that and being whole people
Speaker 1: before we decide to get so serious about each other.
Speaker 1: And that's where we messed up. And that's when we
Speaker 1: messed up. We were not full of people. And how
Speaker 1: could we be at eighteen, right, Like I'm feeling about
Speaker 1: at thirty something years old, So how can you, like
Speaker 1: what were we at eighteen? Think about it? Though? We
Speaker 1: spent all of our twenties trying to be versions of
Speaker 1: ourselves that we thought the other person wanted us to be.
Speaker 1: That's how we spent out twenties, right, Like I spent
Speaker 1: my twenties being like I wanted to be this for
Speaker 1: code society dictates you should be in your twenties, right,
Speaker 1: And we spent what four years about twenties married, all
Speaker 1: of our years living together on twenties trying to be
Speaker 1: versions of what we thought the other person want to be.
Speaker 1: And now in our thirties, it's like, Okay, I want
Speaker 1: to be myself. I don't want to do that ship anymore.
Speaker 1: So now I have to deal with the fact that
Speaker 1: you want to be yourself while I'm wanting to be
Speaker 1: myself and we're not the people that we thought we
Speaker 1: fell in love with. The realistically, that's really what happened
Speaker 1: to us, and the art of it now is trying
Speaker 1: to dance with each other through this. Well, now it's
Speaker 1: not that. Now that you say that, let me ask
Speaker 1: a question, why does marriage work for you? Like? Why? Why?
Speaker 1: Now that you know all of this, we're still married,
Speaker 1: which means neither one of us asked to be divorced
Speaker 1: because I just love you. I mean you asked me
Speaker 1: a couple of times here and there over the years
Speaker 1: before a divorce. Now I asked for a divorce. I
Speaker 1: asked you if you wanted to be married anymore, because
Speaker 1: that was a legitimate question for me. You asked me
Speaker 1: the same question in two different ways. No, I didn't
Speaker 1: say I want a divorce. I was like, Yo, do
Speaker 1: you want to be married? We technically, guys, we've been
Speaker 1: divorced like two or three times. Internally remarried, yeah, three times. Um,
Speaker 1: But first of all, I just can't see myself with
Speaker 1: anybody but you, and at this point in our careers,
Speaker 1: I don't think social media could deal with you being
Speaker 1: with nobody else because she would get me my girls,
Speaker 1: so okay. My my people on Instagram was just like, no,
Speaker 1: you're not going anywhere, and that's not fair because you're remarried.
Speaker 1: And they would be like, O, get up, girl, that's right,
Speaker 1: get your due, priends. But if it was me, they
Speaker 1: will be doing sending all sorts of emojis on my
Speaker 1: page and blocking her and they would that's how girls
Speaker 1: are with it. No, I mean, but it works for
Speaker 1: me because I still see Deval and Cadeen with so
Speaker 1: much hope and so much life and so many dreams
Speaker 1: and so green and eighteen. Like there's still that version
Speaker 1: of you and I here somewhere. I mean we of
Speaker 1: course we have like children now and we have life
Speaker 1: and and the children of course, like leaving a legacy
Speaker 1: for our children, Like, let's really talk about what marriage
Speaker 1: is like leaving a legacy for these boys? You know? Absolutely? Um,
Speaker 1: And I just it's for me, it's still worth it
Speaker 1: every day to to wake up and decide that I
Speaker 1: want to be with you and be committed to you. Um,
Speaker 1: it's worth It's worth it. I thought you was going
Speaker 1: to say, because you like the way I stoke you out,
Speaker 1: but I guess I was just thinking, yeah, that's that's
Speaker 1: a nice that's a nice additive. Okay, it is the
Speaker 1: reason why marriage works for me. Right, when I think
Speaker 1: about everything that we've been through, I feel like, to
Speaker 1: be honest, now, I don't even feel like we've been
Speaker 1: together seventeen years. It doesn't feel like seventeen years. No, no,
Speaker 1: not not in essence. I feel like the people we
Speaker 1: were for those first like twelve years, we were trying
Speaker 1: to be other people because we were still trying to
Speaker 1: figure ourselves out. I feel like for the past five
Speaker 1: years we've settled into who we are starting to become,
Speaker 1: and I feel like I'm getting to know you now, right,
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm getting to know you now. I
Speaker 1: think the rediscovery is beautiful. That's and that's what I think.
Speaker 1: I feel like the rediscovery through being married has been
Speaker 1: just great. It's been amazing. Now, it hasn't been everything
Speaker 1: I expected, Like there have been some twists and turns
Speaker 1: and stuff like that, but I feel like learning who
Speaker 1: you really are and you being open now to being like,
Speaker 1: you know what, divice, I really just don't want to
Speaker 1: do that. It's like I'm I'm enjoying that process. I
Speaker 1: feel like I'm dating because we've never dated, if you
Speaker 1: think about it, eighteen we meet each other, we didn't
Speaker 1: really date. We had our little breaks where we talked
Speaker 1: to other people like that, but we didn't date. We
Speaker 1: didn't go out in court. When you and I now married,
Speaker 1: go out to eat and we sit down and talk
Speaker 1: about really what we want. Now, I feel like, damn,
Speaker 1: like that is new. That's codeine. Yeah, sometimes you know
Speaker 1: how to switch it up. I put on my good wig,
Speaker 1: and you know, the wig definitely helps. You know, the
Speaker 1: channeling codeine circa two thousand, that's what you're channeling. The
Speaker 1: problem is when I wake up the next morning something.
Speaker 1: But it'd be times in the right places. But the
Speaker 1: problem is when I wake up the next morning and
Speaker 1: the wig be messed up in the eyeline to be
Speaker 1: off and the red lips. Sometimes I wake up and
Speaker 1: I'd be like, oh, hey, which condin of you this morning?
Speaker 1: And then you'd be like huh. But at least I
Speaker 1: know you enjoyed it, and the kids crawl into the bed.
Speaker 1: It's funny you say, like twelve years we spent not
Speaker 1: no wages. I feel like it's almost like we got
Speaker 1: a couple of months into this relationship because after having
Speaker 1: all those kids and finally being you know, out of
Speaker 1: the postpartument phase more or less, we're starting fresh like today,
Speaker 1: like here and now, can we be like fresh? We
Speaker 1: could be fresh, we could be fresh like we're brand
Speaker 1: brand new right now. Yes, So everything in the past,
Speaker 1: we don't have to worry about that. What happens now forward.
Speaker 1: That's your favorite thing to do is moving forward. Yes,
Speaker 1: that's whenever you want to clean his slate, let's not
Speaker 1: talk about moving forward. That's one thing I've learned about
Speaker 1: Codeine recently. Code I don't want to ever talk about nothing.
Speaker 1: She just want to say we're moving forward to better. Well,
Speaker 1: moving forward, Let's talk about some pros of being married,
Speaker 1: especially for people of color. What are some of the pros?
Speaker 1: You know? My number one talk about the legacy baby,
Speaker 1: because that's something that we have not had ever. Generational wealth, well,
Speaker 1: a legacy, leaving things behind for generations to We talked
Speaker 1: about that a lot. We've talked about that since college. Um,
Speaker 1: having boys, I have my legacy is pretty good. Right now.
Speaker 1: I got three ellis Is. They will continue on the
Speaker 1: Ellis name. You know. Um, you know what's funny. The
Speaker 1: best part about about marriage to me, one of the
Speaker 1: pros is just the teamwork. I know for a fact
Speaker 1: that if I rob a bank and they try to
Speaker 1: ask you, you can't even say nothing that because we
Speaker 1: got this husband wife privilege, my wife see ship ship, Yes, absolutely,
Speaker 1: like like we're literally built in best friends. You have
Speaker 1: built in best friend and just be like, yeah, well
Speaker 1: that's my friend. That's I think. I think that's one
Speaker 1: of the pros of marriage. Also, um, and I think
Speaker 1: this is important too from the sex tip, right, of course,
Speaker 1: we got to when you got one person that you
Speaker 1: know that you can freak off and you can do
Speaker 1: whatever it is you really want to do, and you
Speaker 1: don't have to have that worry if she gets pregnant.
Speaker 1: She get pregnant, you know what I'm saying. But it's
Speaker 1: like I'm not talking about. What I'm saying is is
Speaker 1: that enjoying that raw, nice, innimalistic style love making session
Speaker 1: and wake up in the morning and not have to worry.
Speaker 1: You know, if both parties are invested in each other
Speaker 1: like that. Because I have single friends who you know,
Speaker 1: you know, they'll talk and they'll be like, oh, you know,
Speaker 1: I met this chick last night. You know, happen you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, Like econom like maybe like friends
Speaker 1: now and be like stop thinking about my single friends.
Speaker 1: But they like, I'm not sure, and I'm like, what
Speaker 1: you mean, You're not sure? And I'm gonna have to
Speaker 1: go to the doctor. I don't really know, shorty, And
Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't I don't want to have to
Speaker 1: worry about that, because then you gotta worry about not
Speaker 1: only STDs, because you gotta worry about pregnancy. Like there's
Speaker 1: a lot of things that come with that, that Russian
Speaker 1: roulette of having sexual multiple partners and being safe. I
Speaker 1: love the fact that we can just dive right in
Speaker 1: and just let it, let it happen, and then you know,
Speaker 1: just two days in the row. Ye, just not to
Speaker 1: because everybody do not like having sex two days in
Speaker 1: a row. I need to recuperate. She don't like having
Speaker 1: six two days in a row. This this, that is
Speaker 1: a big issue for me. And now you're talking about
Speaker 1: one of the contents a new day. Remember I said that,
Speaker 1: now you want to move forward. So we've been reminiscing
Speaker 1: all day about it. We reminiscing about the engagement, the wedding.
Speaker 1: She's like, oh, yeah, you're saying to me and the
Speaker 1: ring was beautiful. Six two days in a row. Let's
Speaker 1: not talk about oh ship right, starting now, right, starting now,
Speaker 1: Today is tomorrow. I got you. We're moving forward. We'll
Speaker 1: keep you out updated on it. It happens. You know
Speaker 1: this for the record, there it is for Tiger Woods
Speaker 1: is one of our most inspiring sports icons. In his story,
Speaker 1: it comes with many chapters. I am deeply sorry from
Speaker 1: my irresponsible and selfish behavior, but here it is the
Speaker 1: return to glory. This is All American, a new series
Speaker 1: from Stitcher hosted by me Jordan Bell. You realize Tiger
Speaker 1: Wis doesn't know who he is best in the history
Speaker 1: of golf, no question in my mind. And this season,
Speaker 1: with the help of journalist Albert Chen, we're asking what
Speaker 1: if the story of Tiger Woods that the media has
Speaker 1: been telling, what if it's been completely wrong? All American
Speaker 1: Tiger is out now. Listen in Stitcher, Apple Podcasts, or
Speaker 1: your favorite podcast app. Alright, one of my favorite segments,
Speaker 1: it's the listener letters. So this is the time that
Speaker 1: we get to engage with you guys a little bit.
Speaker 1: You get to ask some questions and we get to
Speaker 1: tell you what we think. You know, his perspective, my
Speaker 1: perspect they have our perspective. What relationship advice would you
Speaker 1: give to your year old self, devout twenty six years old?
Speaker 1: This a little bit. You did touch on this a
Speaker 1: little bit. What do you tell me about your year
Speaker 1: old self my twenty year old self. I would tell
Speaker 1: my twenty six year old self to not make decisions
Speaker 1: based on what you think your significant other wants you
Speaker 1: to do, because they don't really know themselves and you
Speaker 1: don't really know yourself yet. So if you're making decisions
Speaker 1: based on what you think they want, that could be
Speaker 1: a completely wrong decision. Because that's what we did. I
Speaker 1: made decisions thinking, for example, the house you know, doing
Speaker 1: certain things like oh, coadeine is gonna want this, or
Speaker 1: codeine is gonna like this? Completely wrong. You have to
Speaker 1: make decisions who are true to yourself and also understanding
Speaker 1: that your life is not going to be defined in
Speaker 1: your twenties. You do not have to make any life
Speaker 1: changing decisions in your twenties thinking that you have to
Speaker 1: keep up with anyone else in their life. Because at
Speaker 1: thirty is when I really felt like I was hitting
Speaker 1: my prime and I'm young. All of the people who
Speaker 1: I aspire to challenge in life as far as being great.
Speaker 1: When they hear that you're thirty five, Oh you're so young,
Speaker 1: you have so much time. But in your twenties you
Speaker 1: think my life is over at thirty Yeah, I would
Speaker 1: tell my twenty six years half devource, slow down, make
Speaker 1: some decisions, and set yourself up for the marathon, not
Speaker 1: the sprint. M M. That's a good one. Yeah. I
Speaker 1: think mine is very similar. I think I mentioned it before.
Speaker 1: It's just not really year old Cadine. Don't sit and
Speaker 1: be concerned about the checklist of life, whatever that is.
Speaker 1: You know, I, as a woman had this mental list
Speaker 1: like by one, I'm graduated. By twenty three, I have
Speaker 1: my dream job, by twenty five, I meet this amazing
Speaker 1: handsome man, and by ties seven, I have my first
Speaker 1: child in my first home. It's like this succession of
Speaker 1: life that I think that you aspire towards, regardless of
Speaker 1: what it is. It may be due to the way
Speaker 1: you were raised and what you see by your family,
Speaker 1: or the way your parents did things or your your
Speaker 1: pearents did things, and it's like make those decisions based
Speaker 1: off of what you really want and you're still figuring
Speaker 1: it out at six like you're still you're You're not
Speaker 1: a whole individual at twenty six. So so like you said,
Speaker 1: take your time, like slow down and enjoy it, because
Speaker 1: I would love to go back to twenty six now
Speaker 1: everything I go back to six and the heartbeat and
Speaker 1: we're like, okay, this is what I would tweak a
Speaker 1: little bit, as long as you would still be there
Speaker 1: with me, I'd be there and I would make sure
Speaker 1: that our twenty six year old selves made better financial
Speaker 1: decisions by not listening to everyone, not just throwing money
Speaker 1: in the stock market, just buying random properly just because
Speaker 1: you think you have to buy property, Like when I
Speaker 1: think about it now, at six, if I would have
Speaker 1: just waited until I knew what the market was like,
Speaker 1: or realizing what different investments there were, you don't have
Speaker 1: to invest in property. You can invest in technology. You know,
Speaker 1: there's so many different things you can invest in energy.
Speaker 1: We had no idea that we had no idea the
Speaker 1: advice that we got from the people who we valued.
Speaker 1: You know, I'm not to say you can't get great
Speaker 1: advice from people who you value in your life, whether
Speaker 1: it be your parents, parents and whatnot, but don't let
Speaker 1: that be the be all that ends all for you.
Speaker 1: It will be patients patients, definitely. Okay, let's go to
Speaker 1: the next question. How do you stay faithful to your wife? Oh,
Speaker 1: inquiring minds want to know. It's hard because, like we discussed,
Speaker 1: my wife don't like to have sex two days in
Speaker 1: a row. So I have sex on Monday. You're not
Speaker 1: allowed to be horny on Tuesday because on Tuesday, I'm
Speaker 1: not getting This is not an easy question because it's
Speaker 1: not easy. Like, it's not easy. There's so many different
Speaker 1: vices on Instagram, on Facebook, just walking down the street.
Speaker 1: There's so many different and women are beautiful, Like I
Speaker 1: love women. I'm never going to hide from the fact
Speaker 1: that I love women, and I think that there are
Speaker 1: a bunch of different beautiful women. My wife knows this.
Speaker 1: Some of the major decisions I make about being faithful.
Speaker 1: Um one number one is to try to respect what
Speaker 1: my wife has given me, Like she's giving me three boys. Right,
Speaker 1: you you go through a lot being pregnant for almost
Speaker 1: a year and then delivering children, So I try to
Speaker 1: honor the fact that she has sacrificed her body and
Speaker 1: her health. So let me try to be disciplined in
Speaker 1: what I'm doing to sacrifice some of the things I
Speaker 1: need to at least match that brunts of that cross
Speaker 1: that she had to bear. So that's number one. Number
Speaker 1: two obviously it's being brain conscious, right, I am a
Speaker 1: man that pushes family. I can't be a man that
Speaker 1: pushes family and disrespect my family. I can't, Like, I
Speaker 1: just can't do it. So now now I'm not saying that,
Speaker 1: you know, people who do do that just aren't being
Speaker 1: brain conscious. But what I'm saying is for me, that's
Speaker 1: a decision and I just have to deal with all
Speaker 1: the time. You know, you walk in the streets that
Speaker 1: women throw you know, throw a little pass at you
Speaker 1: or whatever. You got how to block it. You block
Speaker 1: all of that, But be trying to be brand conscious,
Speaker 1: respecting my wife, and also just wanted to have a
Speaker 1: clean soul, Like I want to focus on what I
Speaker 1: need to do. It's hard to focus on what you're
Speaker 1: doing while you're trying to juggle women. I went to
Speaker 1: a point in our relationshiphile I was trying to juggle
Speaker 1: when I was when we weren't living together and I
Speaker 1: was in Michigan and Cadin was back home. It was
Speaker 1: like an opportunity for me to try to see what
Speaker 1: I could do. There was no one here, and it's hard.
Speaker 1: You can't focus on trying to be a great person
Speaker 1: if you're trying to hide this from your wife and
Speaker 1: hide this from your girlfriend and make sure this woman
Speaker 1: has enough attention and that woman has enough attention. So
Speaker 1: for me, it's really just focusing on what I want
Speaker 1: to do with my life. Like I want to be great.
Speaker 1: I want to be a great actor, I want to
Speaker 1: be a great father. I want to be a great
Speaker 1: content creator, and I can't do that if I'm focused
Speaker 1: on stuff that's gonna take my attention away from my greatness.
Speaker 1: So for me, it's easy to stay faithful because I
Speaker 1: have other things that matter to me more than just
Speaker 1: have sex, right, you know what I'm saying. No, absolutely,
Speaker 1: and I mean I think that too. You know. Over
Speaker 1: the years, we both have had our issues, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean with UM, infidelity and transition. We've had
Speaker 1: our transgression actually been together from like we've had to
Speaker 1: have had to kind of endure different things earlier on
Speaker 1: in our relationship. UM. So that's something we never shy
Speaker 1: away from or we never try to hide the fact
Speaker 1: that you know we've worked through stuff, but for us
Speaker 1: it was worth it. And um, how do you stay
Speaker 1: faithful to your husband? That that wasn't one of the
Speaker 1: questions I'm asking it. I'm asking it. I mean, this
Speaker 1: is from this is from I am devout? How do
Speaker 1: you stay faithful to your husband? Um, you can make
Speaker 1: it pretty easy for me to do that, to be honest,
Speaker 1: because you don't like having sex every day? Yeah, because
Speaker 1: I don't so pretty much too. I had not left
Speaker 1: to give, so I make sure Monday, Wednesday, Friday you're good.
Speaker 1: You're good for the rest of the week. That ship
Speaker 1: out is not going to be good to go. I'll
Speaker 1: be good to go now. But let's be really no.
Speaker 1: You're a very very attractive woman, and I know people
Speaker 1: probably sliding your d m s. And as things grow
Speaker 1: for us, we're gonna be around a lot of different
Speaker 1: type of men. There may be some different men who
Speaker 1: are bigger than me, tolding than me, have more money
Speaker 1: to me that maybe, like you know what, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: see if cadem is with it, how do you face
Speaker 1: that temptation? Other than know one and I will sucking up,
Speaker 1: But how do you face that temptation? Geez? The pressure. Gosh,
Speaker 1: you have to be a hostile with that. I get
Speaker 1: hostile about minds. I see you do, I see you
Speaker 1: doo um. But no, honestly, like you said, we we
Speaker 1: both are working towards so many great things that I
Speaker 1: feel like, is it really worth it? Like those are
Speaker 1: the questions I asked myself now, And not even just
Speaker 1: with like other passes that may get thrown my way
Speaker 1: or anything. It's just like, what's really worth it right now?
Speaker 1: Like I have so much to focus on. I procrastinate
Speaker 1: like hell, Like I said, so, I can't find time
Speaker 1: to prioritize somebody else in the equation if I'm really
Speaker 1: trying to work at being like my best version of
Speaker 1: cadeine um and being the best mother I can be,
Speaker 1: and the best wife I can meet, and um, the
Speaker 1: best actress I can be, Like, there's so many other
Speaker 1: things that I can spend time on right now, you know,
Speaker 1: And for me, it doesn't ultimately boil down to sex,
Speaker 1: Like sex is not really that big of a deal
Speaker 1: for me personally on my Now, if you have sex
Speaker 1: with somebody else is gonna be a problem for me,
Speaker 1: but me, it's gonna be a problem but me personally
Speaker 1: It's not one of those things that I'm just like
Speaker 1: chasing after and I need to have a variety and
Speaker 1: I want to juggle and all that stuff. I ain't
Speaker 1: coordinated anyway, so i'd probably get caught. So I'm like, yeah,
Speaker 1: you're not coordinated. You are very coordinated. I got I
Speaker 1: got a question. That's a question because somebody asked me
Speaker 1: this question, right, yes, because man, we did the video
Speaker 1: about me and Jackson and he was like, you're looking
Speaker 1: at booty And someone asked me, like, devout, how do
Speaker 1: you feel about your wife following other men on Instagram?
Speaker 1: And does she get upset when you follow like like
Speaker 1: I G models? And I was like, I was like, na,
Speaker 1: she my wife doesn't get us said like she she
Speaker 1: sends me video models. Sometimes. I think it's healthy, Like
Speaker 1: you should be able to look about another I think
Speaker 1: you should be able to look at somebody of the
Speaker 1: opposite sex and admire them for the beauty that they have,
Speaker 1: whatever it may be. I'm just not. I'm not. I
Speaker 1: don't feel like the security that I have in myself,
Speaker 1: I don't. It doesn't bother me. It doesn't bother me.
Speaker 1: And you're you're not You're a human being. We're married,
Speaker 1: but we're also still human beings. That's what was like.
Speaker 1: You should be able to see a woman walking down
Speaker 1: the street the same way I should be able to
Speaker 1: say a man walking out what I'm saying and be
Speaker 1: able to be like, wow, that's a good looking man.
Speaker 1: That's that's what I Don't say it out don't don't
Speaker 1: say it out loud, but you could think it. Chances
Speaker 1: are I'm gonna pointing out to you, like you can
Speaker 1: appreciate a good looking man. And the thing is, I
Speaker 1: think that's just something in our relationship. We've always always
Speaker 1: been like that, since since we were kids. Because we
Speaker 1: were kids, we've always looked at other people and been like, yeah,
Speaker 1: oh no, she's a nice looking at women be like, oh,
Speaker 1: I think he's handsome. Yeah, that's why I like when
Speaker 1: I saw you follow out for black men, right, I
Speaker 1: blocked them, But I wasn't mad when I saw you
Speaker 1: was following. I wasn't mad when I saw it. I
Speaker 1: just blocked him doing it. No, it doesn't he the
Speaker 1: young man asked me how I felt about it, and
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell him the answer I gave him. Right,
Speaker 1: I said, listen, my wife got to deal with me, right,
Speaker 1: but she sees me every single day. If she's gonna
Speaker 1: look at her phone and she's gonna look at some
Speaker 1: dudes that got abs and got a beard or whatever,
Speaker 1: and she's gonna get hot and bothered, and then she's
Speaker 1: gonna come home and put that on me. I need
Speaker 1: that because I told him, I said, the minute your
Speaker 1: girl stopped looking at other men like that, she's gonna
Speaker 1: stop looking at you the same way. Like I feel
Speaker 1: like it's healthy, Like to get that stimulation and to
Speaker 1: know that you want something and then go home and
Speaker 1: know that the person that you're looking at you have
Speaker 1: one of those at home. To me, I feel like
Speaker 1: that's healthy. Like I do look at video models, right,
Speaker 1: but then I look at video minds and I look
Speaker 1: at my wife and I'm just like I'm just like
Speaker 1: I got, I got went at home like I have.
Speaker 1: This is like this is mine, and I try to
Speaker 1: be the same thing for you. That's why be in
Speaker 1: the gym like I watched you know, That's the only
Speaker 1: reason why I ever grow up my beard. I do
Speaker 1: not like having a beer, but I know you love beer.
Speaker 1: And whenever I cared your bed like my bed when
Speaker 1: I was smooth. How you do that? You see that? Right?
Speaker 1: But I only grow my beard when I'm not filming
Speaker 1: auditioning so that I know that I could be what
Speaker 1: you need or want to see, because I think that's
Speaker 1: my responsibility as a man. You know, my wife likes
Speaker 1: a man with abs and work out. I need to
Speaker 1: work out being the gym, squatting for three three cake
Speaker 1: cake cake, yes, I And another thing those girls. Another thing.
Speaker 1: You gotta push your significant other because I feel like
Speaker 1: we have to push each other to be the best
Speaker 1: versions of ourselves. Absolutely, you know you can't push each other,
Speaker 1: then who's gonna do it? I remember when you told
Speaker 1: me about my back fat and he was like baby,
Speaker 1: I like what He's like. He's like, I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: give you no more. Oreoles was like what He's like,
Speaker 1: I'm not giving He was like, you got bad fat
Speaker 1: coming and I was like, no, I don't. But then
Speaker 1: I had to look at the mirror. Now you had
Speaker 1: to up your cardio. I was about to get your
Speaker 1: wayte trainers and one of them sweatmans training. See there
Speaker 1: you go ample stuff. Now. Now the show is over.
Speaker 1: Thank you guys. Sweat fans. Could you imagine in the
Speaker 1: gym with a waste trainer. I'm too light skinned for
Speaker 1: a weight trainer. I can't get them. They already make
Speaker 1: fun of me for being a light scare. You would
Speaker 1: be in the side group chat like you go all
Speaker 1: the way straighter. And he put the stuff on his stomach.
Speaker 1: He put the stuff on his stomach. He likes it though,
Speaker 1: because K bought it for him. That they wouldn't care.
Speaker 1: They would not I would get clown if you work
Speaker 1: out hard enough as it is. You're good, You're good.
Speaker 1: I appreciate you, baby, Yeah, I appreciate Listen. This always
Speaker 1: good time. Yes, yes, yes, yes, well listen. If you
Speaker 1: want to be featuring on one of our listening letters,
Speaker 1: email us at dead ass Advice at d E A
Speaker 1: d A S S A d V I C E
Speaker 1: at gmail dot com. We appreciate you. Can't wait here.
Speaker 1: I got to know your moment of truth. We talked
Speaker 1: about marriage, a moment of truth. When it comes to marriage,
Speaker 1: it's so loaded. Jeez, marriage is so loaded in such
Speaker 1: a heavy topic. Um, I would say, my my moment
Speaker 1: of truth or my my takeaway from this this whole
Speaker 1: thing is um really just working on who you are?
Speaker 1: Who are you as an individual. You have to do that.
Speaker 1: It's so important. And the thing that you have to
Speaker 1: know is once you figure that out, know that that's
Speaker 1: going to change. And when you marry somebody, you have
Speaker 1: to be willing to work with that person through the
Speaker 1: change because the change is going to happen. It's inevitable,
Speaker 1: regardless of what area of life you're in, if it's
Speaker 1: just being married, if it's working on the first kid
Speaker 1: or the second kid or the third kid, or career change,
Speaker 1: there's always going to be a change. If you're secure
Speaker 1: in who you are and you're able to put that
Speaker 1: trust in your spouse, you can really work through anything. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: you can really work through anything, and it just really
Speaker 1: takes a lot of understanding and a lot of compromising
Speaker 1: um to make it work. Well. My moment of truth
Speaker 1: is that was great. By the way, My moment of
Speaker 1: truth is this marriage cannot be a milestone set by
Speaker 1: an individual who just decides that at this point in
Speaker 1: my life, I'm going to be married, because I think
Speaker 1: we both did that, and listening to you speak your
Speaker 1: truth today, like I said, this is a lot like
Speaker 1: therapy for us. I feel like we both learned that
Speaker 1: marriage was something that we set our eyes on and said,
Speaker 1: what we have to get to hear, So let's do
Speaker 1: it without learning each other, and like you said, learning
Speaker 1: ourselves first. So the moment of truth is do not
Speaker 1: look at marriage as a milestone. And if you don't
Speaker 1: aspire to be married, it's okay. That feel like people
Speaker 1: need to understand marriage is not for everybody. That's true,
Speaker 1: it's really not. And if that's something that you deep
Speaker 1: down feel like you haven't found the right person, or
Speaker 1: if you're that person that just always wants to have
Speaker 1: control and is not willing to change and to budge
Speaker 1: and you are sure of who you are and that's
Speaker 1: just it, then marriage may not be for you. And
Speaker 1: that is okay. That is true. You and I have
Speaker 1: both talked about that. But you know what's funny. You
Speaker 1: and I both talked about the fact that if we
Speaker 1: had to do it all over again, would marriage be
Speaker 1: for us? And we talked about that and feeling like
Speaker 1: it would be okay if we were able to focus
Speaker 1: on other things in our life other than marriage. So
Speaker 1: that was that was I think that was I think
Speaker 1: that was a great way to cap it and that
Speaker 1: marriage is an option, not a necessity. Yes, you know
Speaker 1: it's an option. Did marriage choose me? Or did I
Speaker 1: choose marriage? I guess we both chose marriage. Baby, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I chose, you chose me. I chose your youth. Move.
Speaker 1: You got game? You know you got games? Dad? Ask
Speaker 1: you got games? Alright, guys, be sure to follow us
Speaker 1: on social media. I am devout and that's Cadine. I
Speaker 1: am for me And if you're listening on Apple podcasts,
Speaker 1: be shure to rate, review and subscribe. Dead Ass is
Speaker 1: a production of Stitcher. It's produced by T Square, Stephanie
Speaker 1: Karauke and Dinora Pinia. Our executive producers Chris Benning, and
Speaker 1: we'd like to give a special thanks to our recording
Speaker 1: engineer Jared O'Connell, our sound designer Brendan Burns, and studio
Speaker 1: manager Ashley Warren. We'll back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm
Speaker 1: David Roth. We have a podcast going on right now.
Speaker 1: It's part of the Stitching netwere called Substraction that's available everywhere.
Speaker 1: Getting podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple, Go listen right now
Speaker 1: to the Distraction right now, it's out. Do it please,