1 00:00:09,360 --> 00:00:12,799 Speaker 1: You're listening to Alive Again, a production of Psychopia Pictures 2 00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:14,400 Speaker 1: and iHeart Podcasts. 3 00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:18,960 Speaker 2: My name is Amanda Claire. When I was twenty years old, 4 00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:24,000 Speaker 2: I had a really bad car crash that almost killed me. 5 00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:31,600 Speaker 2: It started to feel like a sob story. I no 6 00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:36,800 Speaker 2: longer wanted to tell a story of tragedy that I 7 00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:42,879 Speaker 2: was the victim, not the hero, and I am the 8 00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:45,280 Speaker 2: hero of my own story. 9 00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:51,040 Speaker 1: Welcome to Alive Again, a podcast that showcases miraculous accounts 10 00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:54,480 Speaker 1: of human fragility and resilience from people whose lives were 11 00:00:54,520 --> 00:00:59,520 Speaker 1: forever altered after having almost died. These are first hand 12 00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:03,440 Speaker 1: accounts near death experiences and more broadly, brushes with death. 13 00:01:04,319 --> 00:01:07,640 Speaker 1: Our mission is simple, find, explore, and share these stories 14 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:10,520 Speaker 1: to remind us all of our shared human condition. Please 15 00:01:10,600 --> 00:01:12,880 Speaker 1: keep in mind these stories are true and maybe triggering 16 00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:15,160 Speaker 1: for some listener, and discretion is advised. 17 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:26,360 Speaker 2: I was a twenty year old girl, very much not 18 00:01:26,440 --> 00:01:29,560 Speaker 2: sure where I was going with life on active duty 19 00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:33,040 Speaker 2: at the time in the Air Force Station at McGuire 20 00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:40,319 Speaker 2: Air Force Base. The military was not my favorite place 21 00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:44,880 Speaker 2: to be. I have a long family history of people 22 00:01:44,959 --> 00:01:50,440 Speaker 2: who were in the military, my dad, my mom, my stepmom, grandfather, 23 00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:55,800 Speaker 2: so many people, such a strong family lineage of military history, 24 00:01:56,440 --> 00:02:02,320 Speaker 2: and so I tried to join that lineage. First of all, 25 00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:06,360 Speaker 2: I am not the kind of person who has an 26 00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:12,480 Speaker 2: intense workout routine now or then, so I was not ready. 27 00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:17,440 Speaker 2: And then once I got in drill, sergeants actually screaming 28 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:23,000 Speaker 2: at me, Amanda, what are you marching to my own drum, 29 00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:31,560 Speaker 2: of course. And then I finally got to my first 30 00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:36,120 Speaker 2: duty station, which is Maguire. I was a physical therapy assistant, 31 00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:38,799 Speaker 2: which is probably not something most people think of when 32 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:44,240 Speaker 2: they think of the military. And I remember our secretary 33 00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:50,120 Speaker 2: being out and being asked to supervise the front desk 34 00:02:50,639 --> 00:02:56,120 Speaker 2: while she was away, and I thought it would be 35 00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:59,519 Speaker 2: funny to completely cover her desk and post it notes. 36 00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:06,320 Speaker 2: That was not received as funny. I think a lot 37 00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:09,959 Speaker 2: of it was immaturity. A lot of it was I'm 38 00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:13,320 Speaker 2: a little bit quirky. I would think some of it 39 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:19,040 Speaker 2: is that inability to just immediately yes sir, no sir, yes, ma'am, no, ma'am. 40 00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:23,520 Speaker 2: All of those things were constant reminders that it just 41 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:35,880 Speaker 2: was not the right fit for me. So I was 42 00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:39,920 Speaker 2: twenty years old and I went to go visit friends 43 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:46,120 Speaker 2: that were stationed in the Navy, and I was going 44 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:51,440 Speaker 2: from MacGuire R Force Base in New Jersey to Newport News, Virginia, 45 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:54,720 Speaker 2: and you know, I was gonna go party with my friends. 46 00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:57,920 Speaker 2: I was gonna go see you know, old crushes and 47 00:03:58,640 --> 00:04:05,680 Speaker 2: be flirty and fun and have a good weekend. I 48 00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:09,760 Speaker 2: was in a little accurate in Tigra. It's a hot 49 00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:14,440 Speaker 2: day and the air conditioning doesn't work in the car, 50 00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:17,560 Speaker 2: so I'm playing that awful game of how do I 51 00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:20,760 Speaker 2: roll down the windows enough that I do not melt 52 00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:25,600 Speaker 2: and enough that my hair doesn't turn into a complete 53 00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:28,720 Speaker 2: rat's nest by the time I arrive, Because of course 54 00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:36,400 Speaker 2: you gotta be cute. But it's a summer day. It's 55 00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:42,320 Speaker 2: June twentieth, which happens to be my mother's birthday. She 56 00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:47,120 Speaker 2: wanted me to come home for her birthday, and I 57 00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:51,320 Speaker 2: lied to her and told her that I couldn't because 58 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:57,000 Speaker 2: our squadron got in trouble for something and that our 59 00:04:57,000 --> 00:05:01,400 Speaker 2: commander said we had to do bass beautification. That wasn't true. 60 00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:03,960 Speaker 2: So she had no idea where I was or what 61 00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:10,239 Speaker 2: I was doing. So I'm in the car relatively close 62 00:05:10,279 --> 00:05:15,000 Speaker 2: to my destination. I was about within an hour. I'm 63 00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:18,080 Speaker 2: literally hot and trying to be at the sexy hot, 64 00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:22,960 Speaker 2: not sure that I'm succeeding at all. There's a lot 65 00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:25,920 Speaker 2: of traffic, two lanes that way, two lanes the other way, 66 00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:29,520 Speaker 2: grassy median in the middle, and I was in the 67 00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:34,520 Speaker 2: accurate tiger behind a van. The van had a mother 68 00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:38,840 Speaker 2: father backseat of kids. I'm intermittently checking in with the 69 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:42,960 Speaker 2: people and going to visit. I'm trying to not have 70 00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:46,880 Speaker 2: to stop for a bathroom break. I am very focused 71 00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:50,000 Speaker 2: in that moment, and I just want to get there. 72 00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:55,720 Speaker 2: I was doing the things that you're supposed to be doing, right, 73 00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:59,320 Speaker 2: seatbelt on, keeping with the speed of traffic, you know, 74 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:02,960 Speaker 2: driving on the right, pass on the left, and I 75 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:07,039 Speaker 2: went to pass the van and there was an eighteen 76 00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:09,560 Speaker 2: wheeler with a forklift on the back of it, and 77 00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:12,080 Speaker 2: the left hand lane there was a rest stop on 78 00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:14,159 Speaker 2: the other side. He was trying to get over to 79 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:17,120 Speaker 2: the other side where that grassy median was to get 80 00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:20,800 Speaker 2: to that rest stop. If he had gone up another 81 00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:23,679 Speaker 2: two hundred feet or so, there was a turning lane, 82 00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:26,840 Speaker 2: but it wasn't labeled or marked. That was not the 83 00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:30,320 Speaker 2: first time an accident had happened there when I came 84 00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:32,720 Speaker 2: out from behind that van, and I was probably dueing 85 00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:36,680 Speaker 2: seventy seventy five miles an hour, as you do on 86 00:06:36,720 --> 00:06:41,640 Speaker 2: the highway, and he didn't realize that I was coming. 87 00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:43,960 Speaker 2: I didn't realize he was stopped. It was at dusk, 88 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:47,479 Speaker 2: and that forklift impeded the brake light. He saw me 89 00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:50,080 Speaker 2: coming at the last second and let off the brake, 90 00:06:50,279 --> 00:06:58,479 Speaker 2: and I hit the back of the tractor trailer, and 91 00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:02,360 Speaker 2: I pushed the eighteen wheeler or with the forklift, about 92 00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:09,000 Speaker 2: six feet with my car. It's sort of like flashes 93 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:14,200 Speaker 2: of pictures, like the old school slide shows where you 94 00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:29,760 Speaker 2: get picture blank, picture blank, picture blank. I remember being cute, 95 00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:37,160 Speaker 2: I remember coming out from behind the van. I remember 96 00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:40,800 Speaker 2: all of those things, but I don't remember the moment 97 00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:48,320 Speaker 2: I hit the truck. The first patrol officer on the 98 00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:51,880 Speaker 2: scene of the accident got out of his car. They 99 00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:55,320 Speaker 2: said he'd never seen an accident like mine where the 100 00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:59,840 Speaker 2: person in the car survived. Things were really bad. It 101 00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:03,040 Speaker 2: was more than halfway to his trunk to pull the 102 00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:05,200 Speaker 2: body bag when he heard me screaming at the top 103 00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:07,760 Speaker 2: of my lungs, get me the fuck out of this car. 104 00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:10,320 Speaker 2: Is what I was saying at the top of my lungs. 105 00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:17,440 Speaker 2: I was in shock, and he came to my window 106 00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:22,880 Speaker 2: and he said, we're gonna get your help. He told 107 00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:26,360 Speaker 2: me that the only three things that he could do 108 00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:31,000 Speaker 2: was to try to calm me down, call for an airback, 109 00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:41,199 Speaker 2: and pray, and that's what he did. All the additional 110 00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:45,240 Speaker 2: crew members. I don't even know how many fire trucks 111 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:48,200 Speaker 2: and ambulances showed up, but it was a lot. And 112 00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:51,640 Speaker 2: they pulled my car out from the back end of 113 00:08:51,679 --> 00:08:55,120 Speaker 2: the tractor trailer, used the jaws of life to cut 114 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:58,880 Speaker 2: my roof off because I was trapped, and after they 115 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:01,080 Speaker 2: got the roof off, they went to extricate me from 116 00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:03,960 Speaker 2: the vehicle and the engine bolt had come through the 117 00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:11,199 Speaker 2: floorboard and snapped my foot almost completely off. It's sort 118 00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:13,640 Speaker 2: of a catch twenty two because with the forklift on 119 00:09:13,679 --> 00:09:19,120 Speaker 2: the bed of the truck, it saved my life. Without it, 120 00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:23,040 Speaker 2: I would have most certainly been to capitated. But because 121 00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:26,480 Speaker 2: of it, that's what crushed my face and took my eye. 122 00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:29,040 Speaker 2: They got me in the back of the ambulance and 123 00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:34,040 Speaker 2: tried to stabilize me until the helicopter arrived and I 124 00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:39,360 Speaker 2: ripped out a fully inflated catheter twice, an IV three times, 125 00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:42,280 Speaker 2: and I kicked one of the EMTs in the face. 126 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:45,640 Speaker 2: One of the other amts was trying to hold my 127 00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:48,600 Speaker 2: arms down because I kept sticking in my hand inside 128 00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:51,920 Speaker 2: of my cheek because it had just been completely ripped open, 129 00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:55,360 Speaker 2: and I kept saying, somebody take the gum out of 130 00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:58,480 Speaker 2: my mouth because my jaw had been fractured in four places, 131 00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:02,720 Speaker 2: and I thought I lost my contact, and I had 132 00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:05,320 Speaker 2: my sunglasses on because a piece of glass had cut 133 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:12,040 Speaker 2: my eye in half and I couldn't see, So I 134 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:17,480 Speaker 2: was pretty frantic. It's your body's way of protecting itself, right, 135 00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:21,000 Speaker 2: So I, you know, protect myself now by my brain 136 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:25,280 Speaker 2: not allowing itself to remember all of the horrific details. 137 00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:30,720 Speaker 2: And I protected myself then by screaming and ripping things 138 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:34,400 Speaker 2: out of my body and flailing and kicking at that 139 00:10:34,559 --> 00:10:37,120 Speaker 2: fight in the fight or flight, right, So I was 140 00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:48,280 Speaker 2: just in that moment, fighting for my life. Really. They 141 00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:51,480 Speaker 2: sedated me before they put me in the helicopter and 142 00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:55,400 Speaker 2: then they flew me to Norfolk General Hospital where they 143 00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:59,680 Speaker 2: took me to the burn and Trauma unit and they 144 00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:03,240 Speaker 2: put me in a medically induced to come up. My 145 00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:07,680 Speaker 2: injuries were the loss of my right eye, my job 146 00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:13,000 Speaker 2: being broken in four places, scarring and cuts all up 147 00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:14,880 Speaker 2: and down. My right arm. I still have a piece 148 00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:19,520 Speaker 2: of car in my arm actually yeah. And my foot. 149 00:11:19,559 --> 00:11:22,280 Speaker 2: I almost lost my foot with that engine bolt that 150 00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:25,400 Speaker 2: came through the floorboard. So it was primarily my face, 151 00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:29,680 Speaker 2: my eye, my arm, and my foot. I was in 152 00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:33,840 Speaker 2: the hospital for two months. Two months in the hospital, 153 00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:38,160 Speaker 2: I will tell you, feels like, especially at twenty, feels 154 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:42,520 Speaker 2: like an eternity. And my family came to visit me, 155 00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:47,360 Speaker 2: and I remember them all standing around my bed looking 156 00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:51,319 Speaker 2: at me like they had come to say their final goodbyes, 157 00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:59,280 Speaker 2: Like they just looked so scared and so like devastated. 158 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:03,280 Speaker 2: Right as I was getting ready to be discharged from 159 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:07,000 Speaker 2: the hospital, might my mom and my stepdad and my 160 00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:09,880 Speaker 2: siblings came and they took me. They wanted to take 161 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:13,320 Speaker 2: me out because the hospital had given permission finally for 162 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:17,680 Speaker 2: me to be able to go somewhere, and they decided 163 00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:20,640 Speaker 2: to take me to an aquarium. It was the first 164 00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:23,559 Speaker 2: time I realized some of what I was going to 165 00:12:23,640 --> 00:12:25,720 Speaker 2: have to deal with had very little to do with 166 00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:28,160 Speaker 2: the physical. I was in a wheelchair at the time. 167 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:33,079 Speaker 2: I had one lady almost trip over around feet trying 168 00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:38,000 Speaker 2: to turn around to stare at me, and my mom 169 00:12:38,640 --> 00:12:40,760 Speaker 2: shouted at her. I was ready to get in her 170 00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:46,440 Speaker 2: face because she was staring at me so rudely, which 171 00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:48,720 Speaker 2: of course just drew more attention to us and totally 172 00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:55,080 Speaker 2: embarrassed me. I also had another couple stand probably within 173 00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:58,800 Speaker 2: ten feet of me, and they were whispering, but of 174 00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:01,680 Speaker 2: course people think they whispered quieter than they do. And 175 00:13:02,679 --> 00:13:07,800 Speaker 2: she said, what happened to her? Do you think she 176 00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:12,720 Speaker 2: was born like that? And he said, no, people aren't 177 00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:18,840 Speaker 2: born that fucked up. And I knew at that point 178 00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:22,920 Speaker 2: that it was going to be It's going to be 179 00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:35,679 Speaker 2: a journey, I guess. I remember talking to the plastic 180 00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:40,840 Speaker 2: surgeon and him saying, what are your goals? What do 181 00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:43,440 Speaker 2: you want to see happen here? And me saying, I 182 00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:45,480 Speaker 2: just want to be back to normal by my twenty 183 00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:50,000 Speaker 2: first birthday. I really thought that was possible at the time. 184 00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:58,319 Speaker 2: Nobody corrected me. For a long time. It was bc 185 00:13:58,559 --> 00:14:06,080 Speaker 2: AD before the crash, after a disaster. My life just 186 00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:11,080 Speaker 2: felt so segmented by this. Who I was and who 187 00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:16,360 Speaker 2: I was becoming were two completely different things. How I 188 00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:20,880 Speaker 2: looked at life, how I felt, how I lived, who 189 00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:25,160 Speaker 2: I was. I don't remember them asking me, do you 190 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:28,600 Speaker 2: want to see a therapist? Do you want to join 191 00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:34,280 Speaker 2: a support group? And me being like no, why why 192 00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:40,200 Speaker 2: would I want to do that? I'm fine, I'm fine. 193 00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:42,960 Speaker 2: You know when you say something enough times and it 194 00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:48,600 Speaker 2: starts to like sound weird. I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, 195 00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:52,720 Speaker 2: I'm fine. But I didn't know any better. I was 196 00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:55,960 Speaker 2: a twenty year old kid. When I think about it now, 197 00:14:56,000 --> 00:15:00,920 Speaker 2: I'm like, how did nobody say, no, you're going to therapy. 198 00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:05,280 Speaker 2: You're going to therapy? But nobody did, and I didn't 199 00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:08,440 Speaker 2: know that I needed it. I thought I was fine, 200 00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:10,640 Speaker 2: that I was going to be back to normal by 201 00:15:10,680 --> 00:15:14,200 Speaker 2: my twenty first birthday, and it would just be a 202 00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:26,120 Speaker 2: blip on the map. What would happen was after I 203 00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:28,760 Speaker 2: got out of the hospital, I would go in see 204 00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:33,560 Speaker 2: the doctor, we'd do pre opt testing, then we'd go 205 00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:37,600 Speaker 2: have the operation, and then i'd come out, we'd do 206 00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:41,840 Speaker 2: post op testing. Then I'd have about two weeks or 207 00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:45,600 Speaker 2: so to recover, and then we'd go for pre opt testing. 208 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:50,680 Speaker 2: I've had over twenty surgeries. I had surgeries until I 209 00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:55,600 Speaker 2: couldn't anymore when the military basically said these are no 210 00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:59,320 Speaker 2: longer medically necessary. It is cosmetic at this point, and 211 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:02,840 Speaker 2: we're not going to continue to pay. So the accident 212 00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:07,080 Speaker 2: happened in two thousand and eight. I got the news 213 00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:10,560 Speaker 2: that I was separated from the military the end of 214 00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:15,720 Speaker 2: September two thousand and nine, and that was it. My 215 00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:20,400 Speaker 2: time in service was finished. And then I went, now 216 00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:27,440 Speaker 2: what do I do? I didn't know, like, where do 217 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:33,440 Speaker 2: I go now? And I found out that the townhouse 218 00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:38,600 Speaker 2: I bought was less than five miles from a college 219 00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:46,000 Speaker 2: that had a pretty comprehensive physical therapy program, and I thought, okay, 220 00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:55,040 Speaker 2: I will go to school there. When I was active 221 00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:58,040 Speaker 2: duty Air Force, I was a physical therapy assistant, so 222 00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:01,560 Speaker 2: it seemed like I'm easy and natural transition for me. 223 00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:04,560 Speaker 2: I was like, okay, well, I'll just do that. And 224 00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:08,040 Speaker 2: the admissions counselor said, if you want to be a 225 00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:10,879 Speaker 2: physical therapy assistant, then you are going to have to 226 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:16,040 Speaker 2: do you like anatomy and physiology and stuff. Again, I 227 00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:20,000 Speaker 2: was like, I didn't like anatomy and physicality the first storm, 228 00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:23,560 Speaker 2: I'm not doing it again. What should have been a 229 00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:26,720 Speaker 2: good clue that I probably shouldn't be a physical therapy assistant. 230 00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:32,359 Speaker 2: And I was ready to leave, and the admissions counselor said, 231 00:17:32,359 --> 00:17:35,760 Speaker 2: but what do you like? And I said, I like 232 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:39,359 Speaker 2: to write and I like to talk, but there's not 233 00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:42,520 Speaker 2: a job for that. And she said, have you heard 234 00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:47,120 Speaker 2: of the communications program? So I did the communications program 235 00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:51,440 Speaker 2: and I ended up actually really liking it. I found 236 00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:53,399 Speaker 2: out that it was a great fit for me in 237 00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:57,639 Speaker 2: a way that I just hadn't anticipated. I felt confident, 238 00:17:57,880 --> 00:18:01,280 Speaker 2: I just felt good about it. So I have a 239 00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:06,280 Speaker 2: huge blended family, six hunga brothers and sisters, and one 240 00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:11,760 Speaker 2: of them pulled their driver's education teacher about what happened 241 00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:15,639 Speaker 2: with my accident, and he said, would she come and 242 00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:20,160 Speaker 2: tell our class her story to impact upon our students 243 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:23,199 Speaker 2: how important it is to be a safe driver. I've 244 00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:29,199 Speaker 2: always loved an audience. If I can help other people 245 00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:33,520 Speaker 2: be safe, like sure, And so I did an okay job. 246 00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:36,040 Speaker 2: And so the next year he said, can you come back? 247 00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:39,800 Speaker 2: And I just started going back. Every year. I would 248 00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:44,800 Speaker 2: start off by introducing myself, going through the process of 249 00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:49,879 Speaker 2: having the accident, with a little bit of levity sprinkled 250 00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:53,880 Speaker 2: throughout so that it was easier for everyone to listen to. 251 00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:58,080 Speaker 2: My overall message was about distracted driving, so that was 252 00:18:58,119 --> 00:19:03,000 Speaker 2: really the crux. And at my college they heard about 253 00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:05,640 Speaker 2: it and they said, would you talk about it here? 254 00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:09,840 Speaker 2: And it started to occur to me maybe I could 255 00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:13,080 Speaker 2: be a professional public speaker. I like this, I'm kind 256 00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:17,200 Speaker 2: of okay at it. So I worked with the director 257 00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:20,320 Speaker 2: of communications at the school because I was like the 258 00:19:20,359 --> 00:19:23,920 Speaker 2: president of the communications club, and she helps me come 259 00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:27,080 Speaker 2: up with press releases and like, hey, let's give it 260 00:19:27,119 --> 00:19:30,919 Speaker 2: a go. And so I went to speak for the school. 261 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:33,800 Speaker 2: But when I did, our local news station came and 262 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:37,840 Speaker 2: did coverage at my story and aired on two different 263 00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:42,879 Speaker 2: time slots. And probably a month after that, I got 264 00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:48,320 Speaker 2: contacted by someone in DC asking if I would come 265 00:19:48,359 --> 00:19:53,720 Speaker 2: and speak there an organization called NOISE, the National Organizations 266 00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:56,320 Speaker 2: for Youth Safety, And I said what do you charge? 267 00:19:56,359 --> 00:20:02,800 Speaker 2: And I said, I, uh, what, what do I want? 268 00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:07,160 Speaker 2: And it just blew up. I remember when I got 269 00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:12,880 Speaker 2: covered by the local news station, feeling like whoa, I'm 270 00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:20,800 Speaker 2: on WHTM, like we'll look at me now. It just 271 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:26,600 Speaker 2: took off and I started talking, you know, all of 272 00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:29,560 Speaker 2: the country. By the end of it, I'd been on 273 00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:32,520 Speaker 2: CNN a few times. I was on I was in 274 00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:36,200 Speaker 2: teen Vogue, I was on The Today Show with Kathy 275 00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:40,639 Speaker 2: Lee and Hoda. I was on Consumer Reports Al Jazer News. 276 00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:45,399 Speaker 2: Not in my wildest imagination when I've ever guessed that 277 00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:49,439 Speaker 2: I would ever get that kind of traction. So I 278 00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:52,480 Speaker 2: did that for a long time. I would say about 279 00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:57,840 Speaker 2: ten years. I think I started to finally have some 280 00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:02,520 Speaker 2: sense of Amanda. Now it's that, you know, bc a 281 00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:08,359 Speaker 2: d who is a d Amanda and can she have 282 00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:13,120 Speaker 2: a life after everything that she thought she was going 283 00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:17,720 Speaker 2: to do and be was ripped away. I think I 284 00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:22,040 Speaker 2: still thought, I'm going to get the rest of my 285 00:21:22,119 --> 00:21:28,200 Speaker 2: face fixed and it's going to be perfect, and it's 286 00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:30,719 Speaker 2: just a matter of time until I'm back to normal. 287 00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:40,800 Speaker 2: One of the things that I found during the pandemic 288 00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:45,600 Speaker 2: was that I had been brick by brick building a 289 00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:51,760 Speaker 2: trauma wall, and this wall sort of protected me, you know, 290 00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:55,159 Speaker 2: I just with each thing that happened, I just added 291 00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:58,679 Speaker 2: another layer of bricks. And then the pandemic came and 292 00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:01,800 Speaker 2: it kind of it's like the kool Aid man came 293 00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:07,680 Speaker 2: crashing through my trouble wall and it just oh no, 294 00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:15,359 Speaker 2: not oh yeah, I was oh no, It's just all 295 00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:19,920 Speaker 2: sort of came grumbling down right like I was to fuck, 296 00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:25,040 Speaker 2: And I think that was when I realized, like, I 297 00:22:25,119 --> 00:22:31,800 Speaker 2: need therapy. My husband and I met when we were 298 00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:37,680 Speaker 2: working together in that health insurance environment, and my husband 299 00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:43,080 Speaker 2: has muscular dystrophe. And when we first met, he introduced 300 00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:45,439 Speaker 2: himself and he said, I'm really excited to be working 301 00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:50,119 Speaker 2: with somebody who is like me. And I thought, I 302 00:22:50,119 --> 00:22:56,000 Speaker 2: don't know what you mean by that, naturally brunette, and 303 00:22:56,040 --> 00:23:00,440 Speaker 2: he kind of said, you know somebody else with a disability, 304 00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:03,119 Speaker 2: and I'm like, I don't have a disability. I'm not disabled. 305 00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:09,040 Speaker 2: I didn't know. I genuinely just thought like I had 306 00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:13,800 Speaker 2: this accident and now some things are hard. And he 307 00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:16,920 Speaker 2: really taught me what disability was and that it wasn't 308 00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:21,239 Speaker 2: something that I should be ashamed of, and what an 309 00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:25,520 Speaker 2: acquired disability is versus something that you were born with, 310 00:23:26,359 --> 00:23:31,800 Speaker 2: and that I shouldn't be embarrassed or ashamed of that, 311 00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:36,400 Speaker 2: and then it's not a bad thing. I think it's 312 00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:39,800 Speaker 2: something that we don't really talk about as a society. 313 00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:44,760 Speaker 2: But there's a stigma behind having a disability. You kind 314 00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:48,359 Speaker 2: of like, ooh, unless we have some experience with it 315 00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:52,359 Speaker 2: in our childhood. We're kind of taught and conditioned to 316 00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:58,440 Speaker 2: feel better than those who have disabilities. I would say 317 00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:03,040 Speaker 2: most people who have acquired probably don't define themselves that way. 318 00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:06,679 Speaker 2: It's not something that people normally take on as a 319 00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:11,760 Speaker 2: badge of honor. It changed for me because he is 320 00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:19,840 Speaker 2: the most patient, understanding person. I remember Daniel and I 321 00:24:19,920 --> 00:24:24,560 Speaker 2: went to the Cherry Blossom Festival in DC and we 322 00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:27,240 Speaker 2: were walking around. I didn't have my motorized scooter yet, 323 00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:31,040 Speaker 2: but I was starting to hurt. And we went into 324 00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:36,119 Speaker 2: the Museum of Modern Art and there's couches on the 325 00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:40,520 Speaker 2: second floor and I sat down because I was struggling 326 00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:44,480 Speaker 2: to walk at that point, and I just sobbed, like 327 00:24:45,880 --> 00:24:51,239 Speaker 2: in the middle of the Museum of modernut because I 328 00:24:51,280 --> 00:24:56,640 Speaker 2: was embarrassed, because I felt shame, because I felt frustrated, 329 00:24:57,080 --> 00:25:03,000 Speaker 2: because I felt broken, because I felt like somebody had 330 00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:09,600 Speaker 2: stripped me in my power, and I think those feelings 331 00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:17,959 Speaker 2: never go away. Still frustrating. For a long time, I 332 00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:22,760 Speaker 2: wore my hair like completely down the right side of 333 00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:26,040 Speaker 2: my face, like I almost look like half a cousin it, 334 00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:28,879 Speaker 2: just like it's just the whole right side of my 335 00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:33,520 Speaker 2: face was covered with my hair. And then as as 336 00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:38,960 Speaker 2: the years went and the exception that it wasn't ever 337 00:25:39,040 --> 00:25:44,280 Speaker 2: gonna be what it was, the bangs got shorter and 338 00:25:44,359 --> 00:25:48,879 Speaker 2: shorter and shorter, and I still wear them over my 339 00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:53,240 Speaker 2: right eye, both for myself and for others, because I 340 00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:59,000 Speaker 2: find that when I have my face uncovered, there's a 341 00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:04,760 Speaker 2: lot of questions, there's a lot of stairs, they're a 342 00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:09,600 Speaker 2: little uncomfortable. I'm a little uncomfortable, and so it's just 343 00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:12,840 Speaker 2: easier for me, for the most part to keep my 344 00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:17,439 Speaker 2: one right eye covered by what my friends refer to 345 00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:22,679 Speaker 2: as my Jessica Rabbit hair, because my hair is red. 346 00:26:23,720 --> 00:26:29,439 Speaker 2: But the process of going through that is something that 347 00:26:31,359 --> 00:26:35,240 Speaker 2: I would say I've grown from and I've healed from, 348 00:26:36,560 --> 00:26:42,560 Speaker 2: but that you never really get over. There are surgeries 349 00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:47,720 Speaker 2: that I could have to make me look better, but 350 00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:54,920 Speaker 2: I'm an average middle class American and I don't have 351 00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:58,960 Speaker 2: the money for that, like most of us, and so 352 00:26:59,760 --> 00:27:04,359 Speaker 2: there has to be some level of acceptance of just 353 00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:10,400 Speaker 2: where you're at. I do feel like a different person. 354 00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:17,639 Speaker 2: It's like a completely different version of Amanda. When I 355 00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:20,480 Speaker 2: was a public speaker, I can't tell you how many 356 00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:24,359 Speaker 2: times I had teenagers tell me I was their hero. 357 00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:28,719 Speaker 2: Or I would go and talk to an AARP group 358 00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:33,360 Speaker 2: and I'd have grandfathers come up and tell me how 359 00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:37,520 Speaker 2: much I reminded them of their children and their grandchildren, 360 00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:40,640 Speaker 2: and how much they appreciated what I had to say. 361 00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:44,320 Speaker 2: I mean, it was really It meant so much that 362 00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:49,840 Speaker 2: I was making a difference in people's lives. But I 363 00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:55,080 Speaker 2: started saying things in my speech pretty early on, like 364 00:27:56,040 --> 00:27:59,880 Speaker 2: this is what lucky looks like, and you don't want 365 00:27:59,880 --> 00:28:06,200 Speaker 2: to be like me? Why not? Like why wouldn't you 366 00:28:06,240 --> 00:28:06,919 Speaker 2: want to be like me? 367 00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:07,840 Speaker 3: Why? 368 00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:09,960 Speaker 2: Because I have some scars in my face and like 369 00:28:11,119 --> 00:28:13,760 Speaker 2: it hurts when it rains, Like, yeah, I don't want 370 00:28:13,800 --> 00:28:17,160 Speaker 2: you to have to suffer through those things. But being 371 00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:21,080 Speaker 2: like me is not terrible. I have a beautiful little 372 00:28:21,119 --> 00:28:27,240 Speaker 2: girl and an amazing husband and a home I can afford, 373 00:28:27,480 --> 00:28:32,440 Speaker 2: and now I'm getting my master's degree. Why wouldn't people 374 00:28:32,480 --> 00:28:35,119 Speaker 2: want to be like me? It started to feel like 375 00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:39,600 Speaker 2: a sob story. I no longer wanted to tell a 376 00:28:39,680 --> 00:28:44,320 Speaker 2: story of tragedy that I was the victim, not the hero, 377 00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:51,000 Speaker 2: And I am the hero of my own story. I 378 00:28:51,040 --> 00:28:56,920 Speaker 2: love my life. I love the woman that I've thought 379 00:28:56,960 --> 00:29:01,760 Speaker 2: to become. I never in a million years thought that 380 00:29:01,800 --> 00:29:07,200 Speaker 2: this is who I would be. But I'm fucking proud 381 00:29:07,200 --> 00:29:11,280 Speaker 2: of her, he said. I could swear saying, oh but 382 00:29:11,360 --> 00:29:18,720 Speaker 2: I am. I am proud of me. I'm proud of 383 00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:24,240 Speaker 2: who I've thought to become. Who would I have been 384 00:29:25,360 --> 00:29:33,360 Speaker 2: had this not happened to me? I don't know. It 385 00:29:33,360 --> 00:29:37,280 Speaker 2: doesn't really matter because it's not something that I'm ever 386 00:29:37,320 --> 00:29:43,240 Speaker 2: gonna find out. And I can't imagine that the other 387 00:29:43,360 --> 00:29:46,920 Speaker 2: version would have ever been as cool as this one, 388 00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:52,600 Speaker 2: which sounds cocky, but like it's really how I feel. 389 00:30:19,440 --> 00:30:22,200 Speaker 1: Welcome back, This is Alive again, joining me for a 390 00:30:22,240 --> 00:30:25,120 Speaker 1: conversation about today's story or my other Alive against story 391 00:30:25,160 --> 00:30:29,240 Speaker 1: Producers Kate Sweeney, Nicholas Takowski, and Brent Day, and I'm 392 00:30:29,280 --> 00:30:31,200 Speaker 1: your host, Dan Bush. 393 00:30:31,480 --> 00:30:35,920 Speaker 4: This is the story of a total badass. That's one 394 00:30:35,920 --> 00:30:39,240 Speaker 4: thing that drew me to Amanda really from sort of 395 00:30:39,280 --> 00:30:42,959 Speaker 4: the first moment. She was such fun to talk with. 396 00:30:44,360 --> 00:30:52,040 Speaker 4: Her story is not all fun at all, but she 397 00:30:52,120 --> 00:30:54,000 Speaker 4: kind of zagged on me. You know, you think it's 398 00:30:54,000 --> 00:30:57,760 Speaker 4: gonna go one way and then it goes another direction completely. 399 00:30:58,400 --> 00:30:59,760 Speaker 4: She lost her eye and then she ended up being 400 00:30:59,760 --> 00:31:04,240 Speaker 4: aer for like driver safety kids, and then realized she 401 00:31:04,320 --> 00:31:07,480 Speaker 4: was using herself as a cautionary tale, like don't be 402 00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:07,840 Speaker 4: like me. 403 00:31:07,880 --> 00:31:10,880 Speaker 1: And she's like, this victim narrative had become such so 404 00:31:11,080 --> 00:31:13,240 Speaker 1: ingrained and right that that's who she had become with 405 00:31:13,360 --> 00:31:15,800 Speaker 1: this victim. Yeah, her whole life was just defined by 406 00:31:15,800 --> 00:31:19,440 Speaker 1: this accident and visit there's in this story. As with 407 00:31:19,600 --> 00:31:21,920 Speaker 1: one of our previous episodes where we talked to Rodney 408 00:31:21,920 --> 00:31:25,360 Speaker 1: White or listen to Rodney White's story, this episode also 409 00:31:25,480 --> 00:31:29,240 Speaker 1: has this theme or this you know, this conclusive moment 410 00:31:29,920 --> 00:31:33,720 Speaker 1: where the person who went through this trauma and this 411 00:31:33,760 --> 00:31:37,480 Speaker 1: horrible experience and almost died is I wouldn't say grateful 412 00:31:37,520 --> 00:31:41,400 Speaker 1: for having gone through that, because that's a stretch because 413 00:31:41,400 --> 00:31:47,040 Speaker 1: it's so horrific, but they feel empowered in a way 414 00:31:47,080 --> 00:31:50,360 Speaker 1: that maybe they would not have had they not gone 415 00:31:50,360 --> 00:31:50,719 Speaker 1: through it. 416 00:31:51,240 --> 00:31:53,479 Speaker 4: I know, it's so amazing to hear her say that, 417 00:31:54,040 --> 00:31:56,760 Speaker 4: isn't it? And that's one of my favorite things Dan 418 00:31:56,920 --> 00:32:00,360 Speaker 4: about hearing her tell her story because she allowed for 419 00:32:00,400 --> 00:32:07,200 Speaker 4: the ambiguities and the complexities that go along with life, 420 00:32:07,240 --> 00:32:10,280 Speaker 4: because she she's happy to be the woman she is today. 421 00:32:10,280 --> 00:32:12,360 Speaker 4: She's proud of who she is and what she's done. 422 00:32:12,520 --> 00:32:17,200 Speaker 4: At the same time, she admits that life sucks a lot. 423 00:32:17,400 --> 00:32:20,400 Speaker 4: You know, it sucks when she's more tired than she 424 00:32:20,400 --> 00:32:23,400 Speaker 4: wants to be. It sucks when she's walking around a 425 00:32:23,480 --> 00:32:26,880 Speaker 4: museum in DC and just gets too tired and is 426 00:32:26,920 --> 00:32:32,640 Speaker 4: absolutely exhausted, and more frequently when people you know don't 427 00:32:32,640 --> 00:32:34,560 Speaker 4: make way for her. Mates they say, she's wheeling through 428 00:32:34,600 --> 00:32:38,360 Speaker 4: a museum in her wheelchair and you know, people walk 429 00:32:38,400 --> 00:32:40,280 Speaker 4: right in front of her, so she can't see an exhibit, 430 00:32:40,440 --> 00:32:43,480 Speaker 4: so kind of feeling othered and feeling like made to 431 00:32:43,480 --> 00:32:47,280 Speaker 4: be invisible. And she talks about the fact that she's 432 00:32:47,320 --> 00:32:50,040 Speaker 4: proud of who she is. Sometimes she still has has 433 00:32:50,080 --> 00:32:54,080 Speaker 4: fantasies about getting facial reconstruction surgery, but at the same 434 00:32:54,080 --> 00:32:57,280 Speaker 4: time she loves her life. So I loved hearing that 435 00:32:57,360 --> 00:33:01,000 Speaker 4: she doesn't try to make her story and tidy one, 436 00:33:01,720 --> 00:33:04,479 Speaker 4: and that makes it, you know, that much more real 437 00:33:04,560 --> 00:33:05,520 Speaker 4: and that much more compelling. 438 00:33:05,840 --> 00:33:07,520 Speaker 1: What I love about the story is that at the 439 00:33:07,640 --> 00:33:10,800 Speaker 1: end of everything she's gone through, she's just like, I 440 00:33:10,840 --> 00:33:12,520 Speaker 1: love who I am. I wouldn't change who I am, 441 00:33:12,520 --> 00:33:14,800 Speaker 1: I wouldn't go back. I'm a badass. It's sort of 442 00:33:14,920 --> 00:33:16,360 Speaker 1: think and that's the sort of the nature of what 443 00:33:16,440 --> 00:33:17,000 Speaker 1: she's saying. 444 00:33:17,400 --> 00:33:20,040 Speaker 4: Yeah, so you know, as I said, yeah, like she was. 445 00:33:20,240 --> 00:33:22,320 Speaker 4: I love that she refused to settle for the simplest 446 00:33:22,400 --> 00:33:24,719 Speaker 4: version of the truth. And when you hear her thinking 447 00:33:24,760 --> 00:33:28,000 Speaker 4: through what's happening as she's telling her story, she this 448 00:33:28,200 --> 00:33:31,040 Speaker 4: wasn't canned at all. She was thinking these things through 449 00:33:31,600 --> 00:33:35,240 Speaker 4: in real time and making realizations as she was talking 450 00:33:35,880 --> 00:33:40,840 Speaker 4: and sharing those with us, allowing herself to be that vulnerable. 451 00:33:41,440 --> 00:33:42,920 Speaker 4: And that's what you're getting to hear. 452 00:33:43,040 --> 00:33:46,280 Speaker 5: How old was she when this happened twenty and how 453 00:33:46,320 --> 00:33:48,480 Speaker 5: long has she been living with this? Then? How old 454 00:33:48,520 --> 00:33:50,760 Speaker 5: is she now or when she met her husband? 455 00:33:52,320 --> 00:33:55,040 Speaker 4: I want to say that she's maybe like thirty eight 456 00:33:55,120 --> 00:33:58,360 Speaker 4: or thirty nine years old now, I want to say 457 00:33:58,360 --> 00:33:59,320 Speaker 4: two thousand and eight. 458 00:34:00,040 --> 00:34:02,400 Speaker 6: So it's like it's like half her life. 459 00:34:02,280 --> 00:34:05,440 Speaker 4: Yes, which is I mean, you know she used to 460 00:34:05,520 --> 00:34:08,400 Speaker 4: go you know, she as you just heard, you know, 461 00:34:08,480 --> 00:34:11,520 Speaker 4: she was on the public speaking circuit, on a public 462 00:34:11,560 --> 00:34:14,640 Speaker 4: speaking circuit, telling this, telling this story as if there 463 00:34:14,719 --> 00:34:17,040 Speaker 4: was a before and an after, and that's it. But 464 00:34:17,400 --> 00:34:19,839 Speaker 4: part of it was, as you say, Nick, so many 465 00:34:19,920 --> 00:34:22,960 Speaker 4: years that have passed since even then, that her life 466 00:34:23,000 --> 00:34:26,200 Speaker 4: has changed again and changed again, So That's another reason 467 00:34:26,239 --> 00:34:30,080 Speaker 4: this didn't fit her because she's not She's not that victim, 468 00:34:30,360 --> 00:34:31,800 Speaker 4: and she doesn't feel like she's that victim. 469 00:34:31,840 --> 00:34:36,040 Speaker 6: Now she's bigger. That she's bigger than one moment in 470 00:34:36,080 --> 00:34:40,319 Speaker 6: her life. Absolutely, you know that it changed a thing, 471 00:34:40,360 --> 00:34:43,480 Speaker 6: But you continue to have epiphanies and you continue to 472 00:34:43,560 --> 00:34:48,120 Speaker 6: have things that happen that that shift you. Yeah, chapters 473 00:34:48,120 --> 00:34:52,160 Speaker 6: in your life. There's not just two chapters exactly. 474 00:34:52,239 --> 00:34:54,279 Speaker 5: Even if it's not a car accident. You know, I'm 475 00:34:54,320 --> 00:34:57,000 Speaker 5: not the same person I was before we had our 476 00:34:57,040 --> 00:34:59,040 Speaker 5: second child, before we had our first child, before I 477 00:34:59,120 --> 00:35:02,719 Speaker 5: got married, before I left college. You know, every life 478 00:35:02,719 --> 00:35:03,560 Speaker 5: event changes you. 479 00:35:03,760 --> 00:35:07,279 Speaker 1: Something else that was striking about her story was that 480 00:35:08,040 --> 00:35:11,600 Speaker 1: how amazed when the paramedics and the fireman and the 481 00:35:11,640 --> 00:35:14,440 Speaker 1: rescue people showed up, How amazed that she was even alive. 482 00:35:14,960 --> 00:35:17,479 Speaker 1: They were like, he went to get the body bag. 483 00:35:17,600 --> 00:35:21,640 Speaker 1: Basically wow, because nobody's ever survived this type of accident, right, 484 00:35:22,480 --> 00:35:25,840 Speaker 1: a sudden head on. I think in a situation. 485 00:35:25,680 --> 00:35:27,279 Speaker 5: She was in the military at the time that she 486 00:35:27,280 --> 00:35:30,000 Speaker 5: had the accident. Yeah what you said, Yeah, yeah, and 487 00:35:30,320 --> 00:35:35,800 Speaker 5: hated it. Huh. I can empathize with that. 488 00:35:36,560 --> 00:35:37,200 Speaker 2: Square peg. 489 00:35:38,400 --> 00:35:43,120 Speaker 4: But yeah, I mean, I just I this narrative is 490 00:35:43,440 --> 00:35:47,080 Speaker 4: so compelling to me. How this event Reallyina like sends 491 00:35:47,120 --> 00:35:50,600 Speaker 4: Amanda off first in one direction, the sense of finally 492 00:35:50,600 --> 00:35:53,000 Speaker 4: having found her calling. She was miserable in the military, 493 00:35:53,000 --> 00:35:56,520 Speaker 4: and like, oh, it's communications and I'm a public speaker 494 00:35:56,600 --> 00:35:59,319 Speaker 4: and I've finally found I'm discovering who I am. I'm 495 00:35:59,360 --> 00:36:03,040 Speaker 4: discovering who who you know? As she puts it, ad 496 00:36:03,360 --> 00:36:07,520 Speaker 4: Amanda is after almost dying or after disaster, as she 497 00:36:07,600 --> 00:36:10,719 Speaker 4: puts it, and then realizing, oh, wait a minute, you know, 498 00:36:10,760 --> 00:36:13,719 Speaker 4: like she's using herself and her disabled body as a 499 00:36:13,760 --> 00:36:17,520 Speaker 4: cautionary tale and like who wants to do that? And 500 00:36:17,600 --> 00:36:20,640 Speaker 4: discovering this world of disability advocacy, which I freaking love. 501 00:36:21,400 --> 00:36:23,279 Speaker 4: If you can't tell from my voice, I mean I 502 00:36:23,600 --> 00:36:25,640 Speaker 4: loved talking with Amanda. I could have talked with her 503 00:36:25,680 --> 00:36:29,440 Speaker 4: all day, just listened to Amanda tell Amanda stories. 504 00:36:29,320 --> 00:36:32,239 Speaker 5: What a badass after disaster? That is great. 505 00:36:32,280 --> 00:36:34,440 Speaker 4: Yeah, that's how she saw it before crash and after disaster, 506 00:36:34,520 --> 00:36:36,480 Speaker 4: and that's how she framed it for a long time 507 00:36:37,040 --> 00:36:40,760 Speaker 4: and then was like wait a minute. 508 00:36:43,600 --> 00:36:46,400 Speaker 1: Next week on a live again. Scott McCoy, the beloved 509 00:36:46,400 --> 00:36:49,719 Speaker 1: singer songwriter behind bands like the Minus five and Young 510 00:36:49,760 --> 00:36:52,880 Speaker 1: Fresh Fellows, had spent his life living and breathing music 511 00:36:53,120 --> 00:36:56,600 Speaker 1: until a massive stroke in twenty seventeen shattered his ability 512 00:36:56,640 --> 00:36:59,600 Speaker 1: to speak, play, and understand the world around him. 513 00:37:00,040 --> 00:37:02,920 Speaker 3: I've been there for twenty four hours. They finally got 514 00:37:03,120 --> 00:37:06,840 Speaker 3: the doctor to give me a MRI because he wouldn't 515 00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:08,640 Speaker 3: give me one because he said it's not a stroke, 516 00:37:09,120 --> 00:37:09,879 Speaker 3: said he's a drum. 517 00:37:10,320 --> 00:37:13,239 Speaker 1: In this deeply human episode of Live Again, Scott opens 518 00:37:13,320 --> 00:37:16,280 Speaker 1: up about the long road of recovery, his first terrifying 519 00:37:16,280 --> 00:37:19,200 Speaker 1: moments in the er, and the odd beauty of watching 520 00:37:19,280 --> 00:37:23,080 Speaker 1: The Wizard of Oz while relearning language. With honesty, humor 521 00:37:23,160 --> 00:37:26,239 Speaker 1: and an artist insight, Scott explores what it means to 522 00:37:26,320 --> 00:37:27,920 Speaker 1: lose the thing that wants to find you. 523 00:37:28,680 --> 00:37:30,640 Speaker 3: I think what it has done for me is it's 524 00:37:30,719 --> 00:37:37,480 Speaker 3: made me just more desperate to keep creating art. 525 00:37:39,880 --> 00:37:43,399 Speaker 1: Our story producers are Dan Bush, Kate Sweeney, Brent die 526 00:37:43,840 --> 00:37:48,440 Speaker 1: Nicholas Dakowski, and Lauren Vogelbaum. Music by Ben Lovett, additional 527 00:37:48,520 --> 00:37:52,560 Speaker 1: music by Alexander Rodriguez. Our executive producers are Matthew Frederick 528 00:37:52,600 --> 00:37:55,840 Speaker 1: and Trevor Young. Special thanks to Alexander Williams for additional 529 00:37:55,840 --> 00:37:59,880 Speaker 1: production support. Our studio engineers are Rima El Kali and 530 00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:03,960 Speaker 1: EJames Griffin. Today's episode was edited by Mike w Anderson, 531 00:38:04,400 --> 00:38:07,959 Speaker 1: mixing by Ben Lovett and Alexander Rodriguez. I'm your host 532 00:38:08,000 --> 00:38:11,239 Speaker 1: Dan Bush. Special thanks to Amanda Clair for sharing her 533 00:38:11,239 --> 00:38:14,640 Speaker 1: incredible story. Amanda graduated with her master's degree in social 534 00:38:14,680 --> 00:38:17,600 Speaker 1: work in May of twenty twenty four. She's currently exploring 535 00:38:17,640 --> 00:38:20,520 Speaker 1: career opportunities and has worked as a professional public speaker 536 00:38:20,560 --> 00:38:23,279 Speaker 1: and advocate since two thousand and nine. If you'd like 537 00:38:23,280 --> 00:38:25,520 Speaker 1: to connect with Amanda, click the link in our show notes. 538 00:38:26,640 --> 00:38:28,840 Speaker 1: Alive Again is a production of I Art Radio and 539 00:38:28,880 --> 00:38:32,960 Speaker 1: Psychopia Pictures. If you have a transformative near death experience 540 00:38:33,040 --> 00:38:35,880 Speaker 1: to share, we'd love to hear your story. Please email 541 00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:39,960 Speaker 1: us at a Live Again project at gmail dot com. 542 00:38:40,120 --> 00:38:43,359 Speaker 1: That's a l I V e A g A I 543 00:38:43,520 --> 00:38:47,520 Speaker 1: N P R O j E c T at gmail 544 00:38:47,520 --> 00:38:53,240 Speaker 1: dot com.