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Speaker 1: This is cole Minor. John, this is Coal Miner Sale.

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Speaker 2: And we have been digging for stories on the Okay

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Speaker 2: Storytime podcast as long as we can remember saying.

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Speaker 1: And we've found some diamonds of the rough, how haven't we? John?

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Speaker 2: That's right, But before we do that, we have to

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Speaker 2: wade through two more minutes of incredible ads from our

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Speaker 2: sponsors keeping us finding more great stories on the show.

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Speaker 1: My friends fiance doesn't want me at their wedding, but

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Speaker 1: I'm still going. You can't sell me. I've known the

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Speaker 1: groom Mike since I was five, or in other words,

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Speaker 1: for twenty two years. We grew up together and have

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Speaker 1: never lost contact. We have been close friends and still

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Speaker 1: hang out once a week. By the way, this comes

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Speaker 1: from Yo Sarayan Lives or Yozarian Lives And if you

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Speaker 1: want to submit your own stories, go to the r

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Speaker 1: slash Okay Storytime suppered it so or we did until

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Speaker 1: they started dating. Oh, it didn't bother me that he

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Speaker 1: couldn't come have an adult soda anymore because I understood

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Speaker 1: how new relationships work. It started to bother me a

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Speaker 1: little when he missed every World Cup match, missed the

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Speaker 1: matches is fiance Holly says that they're both coming, and

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Speaker 1: then shortly before meetup time, Holly doesn't feel well and

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Speaker 1: they don't show. Mike always makes the excuse that she

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Speaker 1: doesn't like coming into the city. I live in the

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Speaker 1: city and Mike used to live here with me. It's

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Speaker 1: not just me that gets blown off, it's our whole group.

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Speaker 1: There are four of us, including Mike. There's me, Chuck,

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Speaker 1: and Jess. We have been together since we were children.

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Speaker 1: Mike doesn't have a lot of family, so Chuck and

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Speaker 1: Jess's family pretty much adopted him. Mike's always been really

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Speaker 1: close with their parents because he lived with them for years.

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Speaker 1: The problem is that Holly doesn't want anything to do

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Speaker 1: with us. We usually do things as a group, and

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Speaker 1: a few years ago my boyfriend joined the group. The

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Speaker 1: other two of revolving significant others, but none of them

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Speaker 1: have ever had a problem with the group. We accept

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Speaker 1: whoever and love to have someone who brings new ideas, restaurants, hobbies,

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Speaker 1: et cetera into the fold. Mike's had a rough past

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Speaker 1: and a couple of rough choices as far as as

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Speaker 1: so's are concerned, so we were elated to meet Holly.

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Speaker 1: She's decent looking fit, has a degree and participates in sports,

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Speaker 1: but she's strange and awkward. But she was only great

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Speaker 1: for the first month or so. Pretty soon she refused

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Speaker 1: to hang out with the group and had an even

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Speaker 1: bigger problem. If Mike wanted to hang out with us alone,

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Speaker 1: she pretty much said heck no. Mike said she wouldn't

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Speaker 1: come to the city because she was having financial problems.

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Speaker 1: You're probably going to be staying with people. Why can't

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Speaker 1: you come to the city right. This is when he

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Speaker 1: explained that even though she has a degree, she doesn't

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Speaker 1: use it. Instead, she was a hostess in a restaurant.

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Speaker 1: Allie said she doesn't use the degree because she was

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Speaker 1: just too nervous, so instead she got a second job

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Speaker 1: backing groceries. Now she has even less time to do

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Speaker 1: anything because she's working to jobs. Our group is a

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Speaker 1: little confused. We were all fairly successful in hard working

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Speaker 1: adults with four years grads or doctorates, so we have

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Speaker 1: a hard time relating to her chosen jobs. Don't get

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Speaker 1: me wrong, I worked in the restaurant industry for ten years,

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Speaker 1: and justin Chuck, we're both baggers, but it was when

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Speaker 1: they were fourteen. Okay, well, I don't think there's any

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Speaker 1: problem with you know, working in a restaurant when you're

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Speaker 1: you know, in your twenties. That's I mean anytime. Actually,

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Speaker 1: there's no problem with working in a restaurant or working

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Speaker 1: with a bagger. Yeah, you get a lot of tips. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I don't know if we need to judge her on this. Yeah. Nevertheless,

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Speaker 1: we don't say anything, but all start to wonder if

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Speaker 1: she actually has a degree. I know a lot of

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Speaker 1: people that have degrees that work at restaurants. I don't

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Speaker 1: love this specific thing, but do you jump to that.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I wonder if there's more reasons, Yeah, other than

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Speaker 3: just her not using it.

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Speaker 1: If one were to ask her any questions about her

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Speaker 1: degree in school, she can't answer basic questions and changes

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Speaker 1: the subject asap. I thought maybe entering a new group

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Speaker 1: was overwhelming for Holly, so I invited her out on

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Speaker 1: her own a few times. Once to a bar, but

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Speaker 1: she said she'll only go to a bar with her

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Speaker 1: mom or aunt. Yeah, no clue why that is. Next dope.

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Speaker 1: He invited her to a park near a place in

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Speaker 1: the country, she said she had a headache. Lastly, to

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Speaker 1: a breakfast place on a weekend. She just didn't respond whatsoever.

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Speaker 1: This was over six months or so. She still lives

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Speaker 1: with her mom and only seems to hang out with

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Speaker 1: her mom. I don't think she's ever had any friends.

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Speaker 1: She doesn't seem to know anyone besides her family. Maybe

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Speaker 1: that's why she doesn't like us, I don't know. So

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Speaker 1: it came down to the wedding. Mike told me the time.

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Speaker 1: He said he would need some help with the prep

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Speaker 1: that day. I was excited for him and kept my

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Speaker 1: apprehensions to myself. Next came the invitations, and I wasn't

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Speaker 1: invited to the ceremony, but I was invited to the reception.

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Speaker 1: Not only was I not invited to the ceremony, neither

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Speaker 1: was Chuck, Jess or their parents, who took care of

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Speaker 1: Mike like he was their own. I let it sit

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Speaker 1: for a few days until I saw Mike and Holly,

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Speaker 1: first time any of us have seen her in over

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Speaker 1: seven months. Everyone wants to know, but no one wants

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Speaker 1: to ask why we aren't invited. So I asked Holly anyway,

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Speaker 1: she said, no offense, but it's only for people we're

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Speaker 1: actually close to. Don't worry. The people who I work

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Speaker 1: with at the restaurant and don't don't really like are

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Speaker 1: only coming to the reception and not the ceremony too.

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Speaker 3: WHOA, I feel like you could have just said this

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Speaker 3: second part of that sentence.

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Speaker 1: You didn't have to say it and don't really like? Whoa?

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Speaker 1: You could like, wait, say that again, because that was crazy.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, she said, no offense, but it's only for people

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Speaker 3: we're actually close to.

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Speaker 1: Don't worry. The people who I work with at the

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Speaker 1: restaurant and don't really like are only coming to the

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Speaker 1: reception and not the ceremony too. Why would people you

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Speaker 1: don't really like come to the reception at all? But

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Speaker 1: now she's implying that they don't really like Op and

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Speaker 1: his friend. Yeah, you didn't have to say that, even

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Speaker 1: if you didn't like them.

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Speaker 3: Right, You could have said that so differently, keeping it

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Speaker 3: small or doing like people that are like, really really close,

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Speaker 3: not just the people that we just don't like. We're

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Speaker 3: inviting people that we don't like to our wedding, but

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Speaker 3: they're not invited to the ceremony.

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Speaker 1: Weird, crazy. I thanked her for her honesty and asked

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Speaker 1: who would be at the ceremony. She went on to

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Speaker 1: list all of her relatives. Second cousins she had met

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Speaker 1: only once or twice and convicted substance dealers that she hates,

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Speaker 1: but their family, so they're coming. Okay, Well, when my

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Speaker 1: here's this list, his face goes slack and he seems

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Speaker 1: confused about why me and my group aren't invited and

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Speaker 1: who these other people are all. He tells him not

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Speaker 1: to worry about it, and then ignores him. Mike pulls

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Speaker 1: me aside and asks me to please come to his ceremony.

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Speaker 1: I said it was all right that I didn't because

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Speaker 1: I wasn't family. He got upset and hugged me and

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Speaker 1: said to never say that, because I wasn't family and

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Speaker 1: always would be. He then told the whole group and

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Speaker 1: their parents to come to the ceremony, but to not

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Speaker 1: tell Holly that we were going to it because it

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Speaker 1: would upset her. My boyfriend thinks she may be jealous.

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Speaker 1: Jess and I are both fairly attractive and successful. I

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Speaker 1: have an excellent career and advanced degree, and have worked

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Speaker 1: hard to have a beautiful and spacious home of my own.

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Speaker 1: I understand that she still lives at home and mayor

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Speaker 1: and may not have a two year degree. I just

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Speaker 1: bought a new car and I'm not sure if she

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Speaker 1: has one that works properly. O oh, he is being

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Speaker 1: very judgmental. I do kind of wonder, yeah, if this

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Speaker 1: is a little bit like of a mean girl's face

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Speaker 1: off kind of thing, like where Op's always been like

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Speaker 1: what do you even do you work out a restaurant?

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Speaker 1: And like do you even ply your degree?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, trying to like fire back and be like, yeah,

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Speaker 3: don't worry, it's only people we like.

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Speaker 1: Like, I wonder if it's kind of a mean girl off.

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Speaker 1: It totally could be wrong and it could just be

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Speaker 1: Holly for a person that sucks.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, that's my theory. So the groom is saying that, oh,

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Speaker 3: p is always family?

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Speaker 1: Is that? Yes? Okay, okay, okay, that's so weird. I know.

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Speaker 1: I try not to talk about any of these things

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Speaker 1: around her, not my career, travels, achievements, et cetera. But

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Speaker 1: my friends ask specific questions, and these things come out

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Speaker 1: around her. As soon as they do. She just plays

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Speaker 1: on her phone and ignores us, but especially me. The

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Speaker 1: same thing happens if Jess mentions any of her achievements

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Speaker 1: or things that kick butt about her, Holly doesn't mind

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Speaker 1: at all. If Chuck talks about his accomplishments. We have

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Speaker 1: an annual apple picking tour of the ice cream factory

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Speaker 1: and Murder Mystery dinner coming up. These are the annual

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Speaker 1: fall activities that we have done for over a decade. Oh,

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Speaker 1: she's refusing to go and doesn't want Mike to either.

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Speaker 1: Not cool. She says she's too busy and wants to

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Speaker 1: relax in her free time. My question, finally, if we

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Speaker 1: can't even get her to go on these fall activities,

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Speaker 1: how are we supposed to show up at her wedding

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Speaker 1: ceremony only partially invited?

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Speaker 3: Yeah?

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Speaker 1: I mean Mike needs to talk to Holly, Yeah, one

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Speaker 1: hundred percent. I mean this is totally inappropriate. If Mike

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Speaker 1: wants his friends to be there, yeah, then his partner

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Speaker 1: should not be saying they can't come. Yeah. And also

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Speaker 1: he needs to feel like he's able to freaking talk

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Speaker 1: to his partner about it, exactly. I don't want to

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Speaker 1: upset her on her big day, but I don't want

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Speaker 1: to let down one of my best friends by not

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Speaker 1: being there on his wedding day. I tried to talk

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Speaker 1: to her, She pretended she couldn't hear me, and then

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Speaker 1: asked for my boyfriend's number, which I happily provided, but

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Speaker 1: don't know what she wanted it for. She wouldn't say

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Speaker 1: anything else. And there is an update, folks, But what

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Speaker 1: do you think. I don't like it. I don't like

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Speaker 1: it either.

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Speaker 3: Seems to be no proper reason, like unless she did

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Speaker 3: hear about like their judgments about her degree in her

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Speaker 3: job or whatever.

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Speaker 1: Like, I can understand why she's bitter, but it's still

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Speaker 1: not the best way to go about this. No, I mean,

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Speaker 1: it just seems like Mike and Holliott do not know

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Speaker 1: how to communicate at all. Yeah, Like they're not to

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Speaker 1: each other, which is not helpful when you're about to

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Speaker 1: get married. Yeah, this is not a good way to

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Speaker 1: start out of marriage at all. No, no, no, But

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Speaker 1: there is an update. I failed to mention. Myself and

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Speaker 1: my group have talked to Mike. I have been blunt

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Speaker 1: and told him that I think he is being emotionally

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Speaker 1: mistreated and manipulated. I have even sent him posts from

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Speaker 1: the sub that are scarily similar. Mike honestly and truly

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Speaker 1: believes that all of his and Holly's issues are only

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Speaker 1: caused by the mother. Mike usually as a no BS policy,

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Speaker 1: So I cannot say why he has accepted her multiple lines.

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Speaker 1: Mike generally wants to be the savior in a relationship. Lastly,

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Speaker 1: I ignored the obvious until someone messaged me. Holly's issue

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Speaker 1: with Jess must be because she isn't currently attached. Ollie

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Speaker 1: was much nicer to her when Jess had a relationship

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Speaker 1: for a few months. Ollie is very jealous of any

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Speaker 1: woman talking to or touching Mike, as in, Hollie won't

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Speaker 1: go to his work functions because she would have to

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Speaker 1: see women talking to him. Yikes. Dang. It's been over

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Speaker 1: a year, but a post today reminded me of my

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Speaker 1: and my friend's situation. So it has been interesting.

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Speaker 3: We all went to the wedding, okay, okay. Holly, however,

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Speaker 3: hated our presence with a burning passion. I mean, I

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Speaker 3: still don't understand. Katie says, Wait, is Opie male or female?

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Speaker 1: OPI is female? Two girls in his friend group and

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Speaker 1: then a couple other boys.

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Speaker 3: She just doesn't like that they're girls. Yeah, truly, that's cure. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: She's like, I went Mike all to myself, and so

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Speaker 3: she's been isolating Mike from all of his friends. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: even though OPI has known him since she was five

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Speaker 3: years old. Yeah, that's just so silly, Billy, or anyone

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Speaker 3: in a relationship that's like, no, you can't talk to

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Speaker 3: gender that deer are attracted to.

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Speaker 1: You don't trust each other. Yeah, yeah, exactly, so you

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Speaker 1: shouldn't getting married right now. She complained loudly when Mike

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Speaker 1: stopped at our table to think is for coming, that

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Speaker 1: we weren't her invites, and that she didn't want him

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Speaker 1: to waste his time talking to us because he had

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Speaker 1: to go meet the tables of people that she had

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Speaker 1: invited that yad, I've never met before.

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Speaker 3: Was he allowed to invite anyone? I guess he was,

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Speaker 3: but there are to be shunned.

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Speaker 1: Mike's sister was punted out of the wedding because Holly

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Speaker 1: had her sister in law pick out Mike's sister's dress

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Speaker 1: and sister in law sat for the fitting. Holly said

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Speaker 1: it was too late to get the dress altered for

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Speaker 1: Mike's sister and she was out. Oh my god. Mike's

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Speaker 1: sister is about five inches shorter and four to five size,

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Speaker 1: is smaller than Holly's sister in law, So there's that.

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Speaker 1: After the wedding, Holly pretty much cut off contact with

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Speaker 1: the group, and insisted that Mike was far too busy

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Speaker 1: with her and her family who yes, they're living with

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Speaker 1: to spend time with us. All in all, he missed graduations, birthdays,

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Speaker 1: and the terrible loss of someone close to us. Mike

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Speaker 1: wasn't allowed to text or call us because we could

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Speaker 1: text her instead. Mike and Hollie, however, did come to

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Speaker 1: dinner around mine for all the major holidays, where we

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Speaker 1: made it clear that we were concerned and literally thinking

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Speaker 1: about kidnapping him. Slowly, Mike started secretly contacting the group. Yes, secretly, dude,

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Speaker 1: get out of there. Divorce your wife. She sucks. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: she's isolating you from all your friends. Absolutely. He would

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Speaker 1: say he was going to work, take a half day

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Speaker 1: and meet me to chat. I told him I wasn't

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Speaker 1: okay with lying to his wife about just rabbing lunch

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Speaker 1: and asked him what was going on. Long story short,

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Speaker 1: Mike has gotten into a lot of trouble for being

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Speaker 1: friends with us. For example, I drew Holly's name in

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Speaker 1: the small gift exchange that we have. I knew she

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Speaker 1: hated coffee but loved tea. Additionally, I knew she was

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Speaker 1: getting me a nice takeaway mug for coffee. Because she

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Speaker 1: had my name, I went and got her a nice

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Speaker 1: mug that I thought she would enjoy, a few samples

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Speaker 1: of funties, a diffuser shaped like a manatee. I thought

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Speaker 1: it was a cute thing, and a few little things.

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Speaker 1: I hand decorated the box and would excited, thinking she

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Speaker 1: was going to really like it. She didn't. She hated it.

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Speaker 1: Hollie wouldn't talk again until Mike took her home. Once

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Speaker 1: they were home, she told her mom what Mike's friend

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Speaker 1: had got her for the exchange. Ollie and her mom

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Speaker 1: spent three no joke hours yelling at Mike and berating

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Speaker 1: him for not talking to me about the gift that

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Speaker 1: I would buy Hollie.

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Speaker 4: What.

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Speaker 1: Wow?

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Speaker 3: Like this?

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Speaker 1: She sucks.

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Speaker 3: She's such a good opportunity for her to be friends

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Speaker 3: with op.

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Speaker 1: Literally, I don't understand. It's so easy, so easy, and

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Speaker 1: she's just making this all terrible, Yeah for everyone, and

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Speaker 1: then her husband's gonna leave her. Yeah, according to them,

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Speaker 1: I guess Holly and mother Mike should have made it

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Speaker 1: clear that Holly only wanted Disney gift cards for President.

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Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, it showed that he didn't think about

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Speaker 1: her because of the gift I bought her. Mike grabbed

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Speaker 1: the mug, said, Holly didn't get presents from his friends

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Speaker 1: if she was going to say such rude things about

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Speaker 1: me and not appreciate the thought, I don't know the

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Speaker 1: rude things if you're wondering. Ollie's mom grabbed the mug

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Speaker 1: from him and smashed it at his and told them

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Speaker 1: she was teaching him a lesson about defending another woman. Leave. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I've got Mike. That is so get out of there.

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Speaker 1: This is totally inappropriate. Oh my gosh, come New Year's

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Speaker 1: Holly actually invited me out. Don't go. I made the

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Speaker 1: mistake of thinking she meant the group and told the

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Speaker 1: gang that was on me. Holly, like always adores my

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Speaker 1: boyfriend though and didn't mind that, but she hates Jess

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Speaker 1: with a passion. Long story short, Mike's out next to

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Speaker 1: Jess for a few minutes to talk instead of by

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Speaker 1: me or my boyfriend. So Holly hid in the bathroom

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Speaker 1: and would only talk to Mike over Facebook messenger so

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Speaker 1: that her mom could discuss the issue with them. Why

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Speaker 1: is her mommy talking to him so much? I don't know.

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Speaker 1: It's like my mommy says that you're in trouble.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and know exactly what was said before you scroll

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Speaker 3: up to check the ages.

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Speaker 1: We are all around thirty, give or take a few years.

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Speaker 1: There are a lot more things, but you get the point. Lately,

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Speaker 1: things have slightly improved. Holly is maybe treating me like

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Speaker 1: a friend. She started to text me, but it always concludes.

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Speaker 1: But they're asking me questions about Mike. I always apologize

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Speaker 1: and tell her that I'm not comfortable asking questions that

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Speaker 1: I think she should direct towards Mike. I really don't

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Speaker 1: know what else to say. Mike and I have been

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Speaker 1: close for twenty years. Unless he cheats on her or

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Speaker 1: he has my loyalty, it upsets her that I won't share.

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Speaker 1: Mike has made it clear that he is too old

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Speaker 1: to have fights that Holly's mother mediates, it's not mediation.

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Speaker 1: Mike and Holly both say she screams at Mike constantly.

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Speaker 1: Mike told Holly that they are moving out of her parents'

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Speaker 1: house or he is moving out alone. I'm proud of

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Speaker 1: him because that must have been rough. But why the

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Speaker 1: heck he put himself in this, I don't know. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: Dutchess Cazanda says, Holly's one of those girls that has

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Speaker 1: no girlfriends.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, she's jealous of all that, which is so like

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Speaker 3: hypocritical though too because if she is so mad at

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Speaker 3: Mike for like having friends that are girls, yet she

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Speaker 3: is becoming friends with these girls boyfriends, Like.

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Speaker 1: What's the double standard here? Strange? So last major point,

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Speaker 1: Holly has been coming around more, which is an improvement. Well,

340
00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:02,080
Speaker 1: our and you will fall. Apple picking day came round

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Speaker 1: and it was great fun. But Holly made a comment

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Speaker 1: that I cannot stop thinking about. Turns out, Holly was

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Speaker 1: in the Special Olympics when she was younger because her

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00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:12,960
Speaker 1: and everyone in her special classes got to participate if

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Speaker 1: they wanted. I know. Last thread, someone asked about the

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Speaker 1: Arrested Development show with Rita while I'm an ale and

347
00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:20,640
Speaker 1: thinking about her comment, and that makes me laugh, probably

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Speaker 1: too much. I am now slightly wondering if she is

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Speaker 1: no divergent. I'm wondering that as well.

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Speaker 3: Slightly wondering that Olympics unless it was a physical thing,

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Speaker 3: well that would be Olympics.

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Speaker 1: Oh gotcha? Well, I think right, just wondering now.

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Speaker 3: Interesting that definitely does changes at add something to it, obviously,

354
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Speaker 3: still don't have to put up with this stuff, But

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Speaker 3: there's different way that you could go about it.

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Speaker 1: Sure, that really is the only thing that it changes, honestly,

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Speaker 1: all right, guys, Mike maybe getting his head on straight

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Speaker 1: and knows that he's in a bad relationship. It's controlling,

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Speaker 1: aggressive and largely dominated by Holly's mother. I think he

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Speaker 1: knows he has to at least move out. Well, I

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Speaker 1: am wondering now really quick, if Holly is nerdiversent, maybe

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Speaker 1: she has a little bit more like needs a little

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Speaker 1: bit more help, and that's why she's living with her mom,

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Speaker 1: and her mom is kind of super overprotective.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, like maybe the reason that Holly's mom has so

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Speaker 3: much say in this right now is because of that.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, oh pee, that's a big thing that you're leaving out. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: really big thing. And Nina Nelson says, nerdivisence doesn't give

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Speaker 1: you a pass top. So no, of course, and totally

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Speaker 1: the mom is just as bad. I'm sure it can

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Speaker 1: be hereditary, but still not Okay, definitely not at all.

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Speaker 1: I'm just saying it is a relevant thing.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it's still like something that you have to consider,

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Speaker 3: h when you are reacting to it.

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Speaker 1: So it doesn't make our job a little difficult. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: My question is is he insane for thinking that Holly

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Speaker 1: will be okay once they move out on their own.

378
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:54,080
Speaker 1: Holly hasn't ever lived on her own and doesn't want

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Speaker 1: to move far from her parents, but Mike does because

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Speaker 1: he misses the city where we all live and he works.

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Speaker 1: I think he needs to run for the hills. I mean,

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Speaker 1: I don't hate the woman. She's okay, but I pay

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Speaker 1: for his divorce if he said the word. I'm worried

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Speaker 1: because Holly keeps sending me pictures of baby related things,

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Speaker 1: and I'm sure is he not pregnant? And neither is. Yes,

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Speaker 1: she won't comment on why she's sending them though. The

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Speaker 1: special Olympics thing, Can someone enlighten me about that? I

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00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:24,159
Speaker 1: saw that you are required to have a mental or

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Speaker 1: physical handicap of some sort to participate on the website.

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Speaker 1: Could this crazy behavior just be from whatever made her

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Speaker 1: eligible for participation?

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Speaker 3: Oh?

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00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:33,600
Speaker 1: Wow, so OP doesn't even know? OP does not know?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I guess that makes sense that OPI is leaving

395
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Speaker 3: it out because she does.

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00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:39,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't know. I think it is relevant information

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00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,000
Speaker 1: and I would love to learn. But I also do

398
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Speaker 1: think that this is not a relationship that's super healthy. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: certainly not while she's living with her mom. Yeah, but

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00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,160
Speaker 1: there's a little bit left to this story. A few

401
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:54,120
Speaker 1: things from last thread. Yes, Holly attended university, she lived

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00:18:54,119 --> 00:18:56,159
Speaker 1: at home and lied about living at school, and she

403
00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:59,840
Speaker 1: never passed her final certification to finish. Allie says that

404
00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:02,520
Speaker 1: everyone pushes her to do it, so she won't because

405
00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:05,080
Speaker 1: she doesn't like being pushed towards doing something. The couple

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00:19:05,119 --> 00:19:07,600
Speaker 1: lies she told were why she was so secretive about

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00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:10,960
Speaker 1: it all. Disney trip had to be postponed because Mike

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00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:13,200
Speaker 1: got an awesome new job that was a huge step up.

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00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:16,479
Speaker 1: Yy Mike, but Holly almost left him for postponing their

410
00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:19,199
Speaker 1: trip too bad that fell through, right, I know it

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Speaker 1: doesn't sound like it, but beyond Holly being sort of odd,

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Speaker 1: sometimes selfish, and unfriendly, she can be civil and kind

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Speaker 1: of decent at least the last month or two. And

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Speaker 1: Mike was incredibly shocked about the special Olympics comment. He

415
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Speaker 1: kept questioning her about it in disbelief. It was awkward,

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Speaker 1: but hey, she did all the track events, so that's cool.

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Speaker 1: And folks, that's the end of that story, right, Good,

418
00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:43,240
Speaker 1: luck to Mike. Yeah, duchess Caauzana says, yeah, Mike is

419
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:45,480
Speaker 1: insane that he thinks a move will change her. She

420
00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:48,520
Speaker 1: needs professional help for that, and sometimes even that does

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00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:52,160
Speaker 1: not work. But that's the end of that story. Hey,

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00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:53,760
Speaker 1: it's Sam. We're going to get back to these stories.

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Speaker 1: But here's three minutes of ads for our sponsors.

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Speaker 3: My wife was talking to four other guys while we

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00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:01,719
Speaker 3: were planning our wedding online.

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Speaker 1: That's too many guys. Pick one.

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Speaker 3: My wife, thirty five female, and I, thirty five male,

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Speaker 3: had been had a whirlwind marriage. To clarify, we're both

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Speaker 3: thirty five now. We were both twenty two when we

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Speaker 3: got married. I was stationed overseas and she was in

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Speaker 3: the US when we met online. I had orders to

432
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:21,439
Speaker 3: return to the US in a few months, so I

433
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:23,800
Speaker 3: started looking at some dating sites for the location I

434
00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:26,240
Speaker 3: was moving to. By the way, this comes from Throwaway

435
00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:28,320
Speaker 3: Loan twenty eighty nine, And if you want to submit

436
00:20:28,359 --> 00:20:28,800
Speaker 3: your own.

437
00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:31,520
Speaker 1: Stories, go to our slash Okay Storytime soap burt It.

438
00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:35,600
Speaker 3: I met let's call her Lily online and we started talking.

439
00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:38,760
Speaker 3: We went as far as online date nights, streaming shows

440
00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:41,760
Speaker 3: together while we ate to not even video calls with

441
00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:42,240
Speaker 3: each other.

442
00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:44,600
Speaker 1: At some point, she breaks it off with me because

443
00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:45,280
Speaker 1: she had.

444
00:20:45,119 --> 00:20:49,480
Speaker 3: This male best friend that will call Jack, that he's

445
00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:51,200
Speaker 3: known since elementary school.

446
00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:52,720
Speaker 1: They want to see where they go.

447
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:55,399
Speaker 3: I was heartbroken, but at this point we had only

448
00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:57,840
Speaker 3: been talking for a little more than two months. Well,

449
00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:01,320
Speaker 3: very soon afterwards, like a d or less later, she

450
00:21:01,359 --> 00:21:03,919
Speaker 3: messages me back saying that they tried dating and that

451
00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:06,840
Speaker 3: it immediately didn't work, and she apologized for dropping me

452
00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:09,080
Speaker 3: the way that she did. In hindsight, maybe I should

453
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:12,879
Speaker 3: have ended it right there, but given where we are now,

454
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:14,320
Speaker 3: I would have missed out on a lot.

455
00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:17,000
Speaker 1: Part of the issue there was the time zone difference.

456
00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:20,000
Speaker 3: By the time I'd woken up to read her breakup message,

457
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:22,679
Speaker 3: she sent the retraction only a few hours later. I

458
00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:25,160
Speaker 3: hadn't really had time to process any feeling of loss

459
00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:26,639
Speaker 3: before she was already back.

460
00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:28,159
Speaker 1: So we get back together.

461
00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:31,479
Speaker 3: In our long distance relationship, my orders are coming up,

462
00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:33,640
Speaker 3: and we're discussing how frequently we're going to visit each

463
00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:36,440
Speaker 3: other and make arrangements because she lived seven hours from

464
00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:39,120
Speaker 3: my base. Eventually, one of us, we don't remember who,

465
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:41,600
Speaker 3: mentioned the idea that it would be much simpler if

466
00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:42,240
Speaker 3: we were married.

467
00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:43,680
Speaker 1: Uh oh.

468
00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:47,000
Speaker 3: We started hypothetically looking into the finances and logistics of

469
00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:49,480
Speaker 3: making that happen, and next thing we know, we had

470
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:53,040
Speaker 3: actually scheduled a wedding. It was impulsive and dumb, and

471
00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:56,280
Speaker 3: we totally do not recommend anyone else doing what we did,

472
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:59,320
Speaker 3: but there it was. I landed in the US on

473
00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:02,320
Speaker 3: November first, and just under two weeks later, we were married.

474
00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:04,720
Speaker 3: Our wedding day was our third day seeing each other

475
00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:07,199
Speaker 3: in person. Past forward three months and I'm helping her

476
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:09,480
Speaker 3: fix some stuff on her computer. I find a video

477
00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:11,399
Speaker 3: file that I think is the one that we're looking for,

478
00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:14,399
Speaker 3: but it turns out to be a spicy sleep video

479
00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:18,520
Speaker 3: that she and her ex Kevin, made less than a

480
00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:22,040
Speaker 3: year prior. I was irritated that she still had it,

481
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:23,679
Speaker 3: but it was before she even knew me, so I

482
00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:26,240
Speaker 3: tried to not let it bother me. The problem with

483
00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:30,920
Speaker 3: Kevin became twofold what she had been sending spicy pictures,

484
00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:34,640
Speaker 3: videos and messages to Kevin that she forgot to delete,

485
00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:39,760
Speaker 3: and two she had technically never actually broken up with Kevin.

486
00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:43,000
Speaker 3: He was in the Army and was on a year

487
00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:46,320
Speaker 3: long combat deployment when he came back, he had some

488
00:22:46,359 --> 00:22:48,919
Speaker 3: PTSD issues and had pretty much ghosted everyone in his

489
00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:51,639
Speaker 3: life besides his close family. Because she couldn't get in

490
00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:54,400
Speaker 3: touch with him for weeks after his return, she assumed

491
00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:57,119
Speaker 3: that they had broken up. About two weeks after that

492
00:22:57,400 --> 00:23:00,480
Speaker 3: was when I first messaged her online. At some point

493
00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:02,920
Speaker 3: after we got married, he got back in contact with her,

494
00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:06,199
Speaker 3: and there was a lot of exo exos and I,

495
00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:09,879
Speaker 3: missus shared that was what I got pissed about. But

496
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:13,119
Speaker 3: at this point we'd only been married for about four months,

497
00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:15,119
Speaker 3: and given the speed of our marriage, I knew that

498
00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:16,000
Speaker 3: there would be issues.

499
00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:22,040
Speaker 5: Okay, well, okay, oh pie, oh pie, stop forgetting He's like, well,

500
00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:24,600
Speaker 5: she broke up with me, but then she got back

501
00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:27,040
Speaker 5: together with me, and it was only a couple hours,

502
00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:29,240
Speaker 5: so I didn't have time to be sad about It's fine.

503
00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:31,960
Speaker 1: Well, she was cheating on me, but we've only been

504
00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:34,520
Speaker 1: married for four months, so there's really no big deal.

505
00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:36,480
Speaker 1: I knew there'd be issues. I knew there would be

506
00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:38,119
Speaker 1: issues her setting.

507
00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:40,560
Speaker 3: I misused to another man that she had spicy sleep

508
00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:41,479
Speaker 3: within on camera.

509
00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:43,560
Speaker 1: I think you have issued kept in your brain.

510
00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:48,119
Speaker 3: I think maybe maybe ah man, don't get married fast guys.

511
00:23:48,359 --> 00:23:51,400
Speaker 3: But this dude lived in an entirely different state anyway,

512
00:23:51,520 --> 00:23:53,360
Speaker 3: So she knew that she hadn't seen him in.

513
00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:55,960
Speaker 1: Person since we'd been married. Oh, so I knew.

514
00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:58,040
Speaker 3: So I knew she hadn't seen him in person since

515
00:23:58,080 --> 00:24:01,200
Speaker 3: we'd been married. Jump forward for two two more months.

516
00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:03,560
Speaker 3: I have to go away for training for three months.

517
00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:05,800
Speaker 3: I'm only two hours away, but I was only coming

518
00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:08,080
Speaker 3: home on the weekends. She lived with me for about

519
00:24:08,119 --> 00:24:10,720
Speaker 3: five months in total. By this point. The first month

520
00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:13,639
Speaker 3: of our marriage was spent apart while I secured a

521
00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:16,080
Speaker 3: housing for us, and she barely knew anyone or had

522
00:24:16,119 --> 00:24:18,160
Speaker 3: any local friends. So she says that she's gonna drive

523
00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:19,760
Speaker 3: up to her parents' house for a week or two

524
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:20,760
Speaker 3: while I'm training.

525
00:24:21,119 --> 00:24:23,439
Speaker 1: I say, no big deal and drive safe.

526
00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:26,480
Speaker 3: All of the above was late twenty eleven to mid

527
00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:27,760
Speaker 3: twenty twelve, So.

528
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:31,640
Speaker 1: Fast forward to twenty twenty. We've been married for years.

529
00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:34,440
Speaker 3: We were licensed foster parents and helped care for dozens

530
00:24:34,480 --> 00:24:36,680
Speaker 3: of children together, and we had two of her own

531
00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:39,640
Speaker 3: children and adopted one more. All one day, I get

532
00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:42,560
Speaker 3: a Facebook message from an obviously fake account that sent

533
00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:45,720
Speaker 3: me screenshots of posts that my wife had made in

534
00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:48,679
Speaker 3: a private group. These posts were back from twenty twelve

535
00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:52,560
Speaker 3: and twenty thirteen. Basically, she'd implied that she missed her

536
00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:55,840
Speaker 3: exes and she regretted getting married, and a bunch of

537
00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:58,600
Speaker 3: other stuff. So after seeing this, I start going through

538
00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:01,640
Speaker 3: her emails. I found old emails that she had sent

539
00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:05,320
Speaker 3: to Kevin with their old pictures and videos together, along

540
00:25:05,359 --> 00:25:08,919
Speaker 3: with nudes she had sent him both before and a

541
00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:11,159
Speaker 3: few months after we got married. I could see the

542
00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:13,560
Speaker 3: paper trail, but not all of the content because a

543
00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:16,400
Speaker 3: lot of it had been deleted. Then, in her Facebook messages,

544
00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:19,280
Speaker 3: she had dozens of messages that she had sent to

545
00:25:19,359 --> 00:25:22,639
Speaker 3: her friends talking crap about me, telling them about how

546
00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:25,480
Speaker 3: much she missed Kevin, and how about how much she

547
00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:29,359
Speaker 3: missed Jack, and that we and she wished that she

548
00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:32,400
Speaker 3: had stayed with him because they got along together and

549
00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:35,000
Speaker 3: he was better in bed, and all sorts of crap

550
00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:38,639
Speaker 3: like that. Of particular notes she talked about how during

551
00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:40,520
Speaker 3: the three months of training that I went to, she

552
00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:43,720
Speaker 3: drove up to her parents' house but also visited Jack

553
00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:45,600
Speaker 3: to tell him that she had gotten married.

554
00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:47,680
Speaker 1: Most of our friends did not know that we had

555
00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:48,320
Speaker 1: gotten married.

556
00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:51,760
Speaker 3: She said that they cried in each other's arms all night,

557
00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:53,320
Speaker 3: and she begged him to.

558
00:25:53,240 --> 00:25:56,359
Speaker 1: Tell her to stay. And Opie's reading all this and

559
00:25:56,400 --> 00:26:00,680
Speaker 1: he's like, well, there's always problems in the marriage. Yeah,

560
00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:03,560
Speaker 1: I knew there'd be problems in America. You can't agree

561
00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:10,840
Speaker 1: on everything in a marriage. Sometimes your wife needs four partners, right, right.

562
00:26:11,119 --> 00:26:15,200
Speaker 1: But we worked through it. It's been almost ten years.

563
00:26:15,359 --> 00:26:17,800
Speaker 1: It is kind of crazy, though, to be like, you're

564
00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:21,119
Speaker 1: in the military, you're dating this girl, and then you

565
00:26:21,680 --> 00:26:26,280
Speaker 1: go silent because you're doing military things for two weeks. Yeah,

566
00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:29,639
Speaker 1: and then you come back, you're like, hey, girlfriend, and

567
00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:32,240
Speaker 1: then you find out that she's married. He told her

568
00:26:32,359 --> 00:26:35,040
Speaker 1: that she should go be a wife because she was married. Now.

569
00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:38,200
Speaker 3: She somewhat implied that they slept together, but didn't outright

570
00:26:38,359 --> 00:26:41,840
Speaker 3: say it, just that she stayed there either really late

571
00:26:42,119 --> 00:26:44,840
Speaker 3: or overnight. But I also saw messages that indicated that

572
00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:47,520
Speaker 3: she had been talking to as many as five guys

573
00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:51,320
Speaker 3: all at the same time, Jack, Kevin, Me and two

574
00:26:51,359 --> 00:26:54,440
Speaker 3: of the guys whose real names don't matter. So while

575
00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:57,720
Speaker 3: we're planning our wedding online, she's still talking to four

576
00:26:57,880 --> 00:27:00,639
Speaker 3: other guys. Keep in mind, I'm reading all of these

577
00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:03,320
Speaker 3: messages in twenty twenty but they were all written in

578
00:27:03,359 --> 00:27:04,800
Speaker 3: twenty twelve and twenty thirteen.

579
00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:06,520
Speaker 1: There were no more messages like.

580
00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:09,760
Speaker 3: This after twenty thirteen, and didn't appear to be any

581
00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:12,760
Speaker 3: communications with her axes or anyone else. But given all

582
00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:15,199
Speaker 3: the references that she made to deleting things and the

583
00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:18,960
Speaker 3: obvious gaps in conversations and emails, not finding anything didn't

584
00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:21,720
Speaker 3: mean that there hadn't been anything. I waited a few days,

585
00:27:21,720 --> 00:27:24,120
Speaker 3: but eventually I confronted her about it. The first topic

586
00:27:24,160 --> 00:27:26,480
Speaker 3: I addressed was Jack, and I told her upfront that

587
00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:29,760
Speaker 3: I don't know or I don't remember. Answers wouldn't be accepted,

588
00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:32,840
Speaker 3: so she needed to pause and think before she spoke.

589
00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:35,200
Speaker 3: I then asked her if she slept with him while

590
00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:37,840
Speaker 3: I was at training. She almost immediately said that she

591
00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:38,520
Speaker 3: didn't remember.

592
00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:41,920
Speaker 1: Wait, sorry, he's asking this in twenty twenty, right, Yes,

593
00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:45,199
Speaker 1: and this happened in twenty thirteen. Yes, honestly, kind of

594
00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:49,399
Speaker 1: reasonable issues. I don't know, this was seven years, seven

595
00:27:49,480 --> 00:27:53,120
Speaker 1: years ago, I probably exactly.

596
00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:58,040
Speaker 3: I called BS and we argued for a bit. She

597
00:27:58,119 --> 00:27:59,960
Speaker 3: then changed her answer to one hundred percent.

598
00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:03,480
Speaker 1: No, she did not sleep with Check. I didn't believe her.

599
00:28:03,560 --> 00:28:06,120
Speaker 3: We argued about several other things in the messages, which

600
00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:09,360
Speaker 3: I did send her screenshots up, but ultimately the damage

601
00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:13,480
Speaker 3: was done, and she apologized profusely about everything. She told me,

602
00:28:13,520 --> 00:28:15,679
Speaker 3: how immature she was back then, and how she admits

603
00:28:15,720 --> 00:28:17,679
Speaker 3: that she was a bad wife, but she said, when

604
00:28:17,760 --> 00:28:19,879
Speaker 3: we started fostering and she saw how I was with

605
00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:22,760
Speaker 3: children and as a father, she realized that she already

606
00:28:22,760 --> 00:28:24,919
Speaker 3: had everything she wanted and that's why she cut all

607
00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:28,479
Speaker 3: communication with them in twenty thirteen, which does line up

608
00:28:28,480 --> 00:28:30,280
Speaker 3: with the year that we started fostering children.

609
00:28:30,359 --> 00:28:32,919
Speaker 1: So wait, when did they start fostering children, like in

610
00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:34,959
Speaker 1: terms of when they married, Like how long after they

611
00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:37,800
Speaker 1: married did they start foster I don't know when they married.

612
00:28:37,880 --> 00:28:45,360
Speaker 3: Wait, so I think they're thirty five, now twenty.

613
00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:45,360
Speaker 1: Two when they got married. Let's do some math.

614
00:28:45,440 --> 00:28:51,440
Speaker 3: People, gosh, wow, So if it's twenty twenty now, yeah,

615
00:28:51,480 --> 00:28:53,040
Speaker 3: and they're thirty five, and they got married when they're

616
00:28:53,040 --> 00:28:54,920
Speaker 3: twenty two, Let's see when they got married. So thirty

617
00:28:54,920 --> 00:28:58,000
Speaker 3: five minus twenty two, that's eight, and then plus five

618
00:28:58,080 --> 00:29:00,760
Speaker 3: is thirteen. So they got married thirteen years ago. So

619
00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:04,959
Speaker 3: now twenty twenty minus thirteen they got married in two

620
00:29:05,000 --> 00:29:07,920
Speaker 3: thousand and seven. This all happened in twenty twelve and

621
00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:09,120
Speaker 3: twenty thirteen? Right?

622
00:29:09,440 --> 00:29:12,000
Speaker 1: Am I wrong? Did I do? I just didn't know

623
00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:14,680
Speaker 1: where you were going with your math? Right? I think

624
00:29:14,680 --> 00:29:15,080
Speaker 1: that's right?

625
00:29:15,120 --> 00:29:16,840
Speaker 3: But I don't know, but this seems like it happened

626
00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:18,560
Speaker 3: a little faster when they got married.

627
00:29:18,840 --> 00:29:19,200
Speaker 1: Anyway.

628
00:29:19,480 --> 00:29:22,320
Speaker 3: She swore that she's never physically cheated, and outside of

629
00:29:22,360 --> 00:29:26,200
Speaker 3: the messages I saw, she's never flirted or anything with anyone,

630
00:29:26,480 --> 00:29:29,200
Speaker 3: And given that I couldn't find any indication of it

631
00:29:29,240 --> 00:29:32,080
Speaker 3: beyond twenty thirteen, I felt inclined to believe her about that.

632
00:29:32,160 --> 00:29:35,040
Speaker 3: She deleted everything, her old email address and all of

633
00:29:35,040 --> 00:29:36,200
Speaker 3: her social media accounts.

634
00:29:36,240 --> 00:29:37,440
Speaker 1: She claimed that she was doing.

635
00:29:37,240 --> 00:29:39,600
Speaker 3: It because none of that old stuff mattered her anymore

636
00:29:39,880 --> 00:29:41,680
Speaker 3: and she just wanted to move forward with me.

637
00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:43,080
Speaker 1: But I couldn't help.

638
00:29:42,920 --> 00:29:45,200
Speaker 3: Wonder if she deleted it because I had just seen

639
00:29:45,240 --> 00:29:47,520
Speaker 3: the tip of the iceberg. In all other aspects of

640
00:29:47,560 --> 00:29:50,240
Speaker 3: her life. My wife is not a sneaky or underhanded person.

641
00:29:50,640 --> 00:29:53,640
Speaker 3: In fact, she's more of a hippie prood. She doesn't

642
00:29:53,720 --> 00:29:57,000
Speaker 3: like inappropriate jokes. She doesn't watch corn or anything remotely

643
00:29:57,000 --> 00:30:01,920
Speaker 3: spicy related. She has absolutely no spicy hobbies or vices

644
00:30:02,040 --> 00:30:05,240
Speaker 3: or anything. She's oblivious to any kind of subtle flirting,

645
00:30:05,400 --> 00:30:09,400
Speaker 3: even from me. I'm sorry, I'm just like, she can't

646
00:30:09,400 --> 00:30:10,560
Speaker 3: tell what I'm flirting with her.

647
00:30:10,560 --> 00:30:12,840
Speaker 1: I'm like trying to make these moves. She's not reacting

648
00:30:12,880 --> 00:30:14,920
Speaker 1: at all. I guess she just doesn't get it, doesn't

649
00:30:14,960 --> 00:30:15,360
Speaker 1: get it.

650
00:30:16,240 --> 00:30:18,800
Speaker 3: She's just like ignoring him because she doesn't want to

651
00:30:18,840 --> 00:30:21,360
Speaker 3: do an She's on her phone and he's like, hey, yeah,

652
00:30:21,640 --> 00:30:23,600
Speaker 3: you thought you looked cute over there, and she's like,

653
00:30:23,920 --> 00:30:25,160
Speaker 3: she's like, oh, thanks.

654
00:30:24,920 --> 00:30:26,400
Speaker 1: That's nice, thank you. Yeah.

655
00:30:27,080 --> 00:30:30,040
Speaker 3: From all outward appearances, she really does appear to have

656
00:30:30,080 --> 00:30:33,560
Speaker 3: been going through a phase back then, and that she's

657
00:30:33,600 --> 00:30:34,719
Speaker 3: matured past it.

658
00:30:35,040 --> 00:30:37,880
Speaker 1: Even before I knew about all the messages and stuff.

659
00:30:37,920 --> 00:30:40,960
Speaker 3: She's practically the definition of a classic soccer mom, and

660
00:30:41,080 --> 00:30:43,880
Speaker 3: over the years her libido, which was already kind of

661
00:30:43,920 --> 00:30:47,720
Speaker 3: low in my opinion, has reduced drastically. Pull In all,

662
00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:51,040
Speaker 3: she is not a spicy, related or romantic person, so

663
00:30:51,120 --> 00:30:53,680
Speaker 3: the idea of he seeking any outside romance is truly

664
00:30:53,680 --> 00:30:55,480
Speaker 3: a foreign idea at this point. But the moment that

665
00:30:55,560 --> 00:30:57,520
Speaker 3: she said I don't remember when I asked her if

666
00:30:57,520 --> 00:31:02,920
Speaker 3: she slept with Jack, my trust was irreparably damaged. I

667
00:31:03,040 --> 00:31:05,200
Speaker 3: debated for a long time about what to do. Yeah,

668
00:31:05,200 --> 00:31:06,880
Speaker 3: it was old news by the time I found out,

669
00:31:06,960 --> 00:31:09,560
Speaker 3: but it was new to me. We had two young

670
00:31:09,640 --> 00:31:11,720
Speaker 3: kids by then, and I believe that we were still

671
00:31:11,760 --> 00:31:14,280
Speaker 3: in the adoption process for the third child at the time,

672
00:31:14,400 --> 00:31:17,080
Speaker 3: and divorce would have ruined any chances of either of

673
00:31:17,160 --> 00:31:19,760
Speaker 3: us adopting the child. So I decided to try and

674
00:31:19,800 --> 00:31:22,440
Speaker 3: move on past it until she was taking our daughter

675
00:31:22,480 --> 00:31:25,600
Speaker 3: back to their hometown where Jack still lived, for a

676
00:31:25,680 --> 00:31:29,040
Speaker 3: concert for our daughter's birthday. We couldn't really afford for

677
00:31:29,120 --> 00:31:30,760
Speaker 3: me and both of our boys to go, and she

678
00:31:30,840 --> 00:31:32,640
Speaker 3: would be going with her sisters, so it's not like

679
00:31:32,680 --> 00:31:35,800
Speaker 3: she'd have time to go off and visit old friends,

680
00:31:36,360 --> 00:31:41,840
Speaker 3: right right, right, doesn't have time, right right. I dang

681
00:31:41,880 --> 00:31:44,640
Speaker 3: near had a panic attack just thinking about her going

682
00:31:44,720 --> 00:31:46,960
Speaker 3: up there and leaving our daughter with her family to

683
00:31:47,000 --> 00:31:48,120
Speaker 3: see an old flame.

684
00:31:48,600 --> 00:31:51,600
Speaker 1: So I talked to a therapist. Ultimately she went. They

685
00:31:51,600 --> 00:31:52,280
Speaker 1: had a good time.

686
00:31:52,440 --> 00:31:55,400
Speaker 3: Nothing suspicious happened that I know of, and I was

687
00:31:55,400 --> 00:31:58,240
Speaker 3: hoping that some trust had been recovered. The problem now

688
00:31:58,680 --> 00:32:02,120
Speaker 3: is it's twenty our two children are older, and we

689
00:32:02,200 --> 00:32:05,680
Speaker 3: have two fully adopted children, bringing our total to four kids,

690
00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:09,120
Speaker 3: two dogs, three cats, and a mortgage. I've already tried

691
00:32:09,200 --> 00:32:10,880
Speaker 3: more therapy and it hasn't helped.

692
00:32:10,920 --> 00:32:13,760
Speaker 1: Yeah, because you can't help. The thing is that, oh, oh,

693
00:32:13,840 --> 00:32:17,880
Speaker 1: he's trying to get over trust that has been so

694
00:32:18,800 --> 00:32:23,400
Speaker 1: thoroughly broken on the part of his wife. Yeah, and

695
00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:28,200
Speaker 1: she's not attempting to mend that trust. Right, he's operating

696
00:32:28,240 --> 00:32:31,160
Speaker 1: on like, Oh, it's my fault. I'm being jealous, I'm

697
00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:32,720
Speaker 1: being exactional exactly.

698
00:32:32,720 --> 00:32:38,120
Speaker 3: No, No, there's another party that needs to change and

699
00:32:38,280 --> 00:32:40,400
Speaker 3: help you. Like, you can't just go to a therapist

700
00:32:40,400 --> 00:32:42,160
Speaker 3: to talk about it and sort of out yourself with this.

701
00:32:42,520 --> 00:32:44,200
Speaker 3: You gotta talk to your wife. To this day, I

702
00:32:44,240 --> 00:32:46,600
Speaker 3: still don't fully trust my wife. I'm still worried that

703
00:32:46,680 --> 00:32:49,520
Speaker 3: she still deletes things. I'm worried that at any time

704
00:32:49,680 --> 00:32:53,040
Speaker 3: she goes out without me and the kids, she's meeting someone.

705
00:32:53,240 --> 00:32:55,960
Speaker 3: I'm worried that the absence of any indication of wrongdoing

706
00:32:55,960 --> 00:32:58,520
Speaker 3: on her part is simply because I'm not seeing it,

707
00:32:58,640 --> 00:33:01,480
Speaker 3: not because it isn't there. I know that logically it's

708
00:33:01,520 --> 00:33:04,960
Speaker 3: highly unlikely that she's doing anything wrong, but I don't

709
00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:07,640
Speaker 3: know how to get my emotions to get on board

710
00:33:07,640 --> 00:33:10,880
Speaker 3: with that it's literally been years, more than ten years

711
00:33:10,920 --> 00:33:13,640
Speaker 3: since her initial betrayals, and we'll be coming up on

712
00:33:13,800 --> 00:33:17,200
Speaker 3: five years since I found out and confronted her. She's

713
00:33:17,240 --> 00:33:20,160
Speaker 3: moved well past this, but I haven't yet, and I

714
00:33:20,200 --> 00:33:20,760
Speaker 3: don't know how.

715
00:33:20,760 --> 00:33:22,320
Speaker 1: And there is an edit.

716
00:33:22,640 --> 00:33:25,160
Speaker 3: Actually this isn't all of them, but enough for you

717
00:33:25,240 --> 00:33:27,880
Speaker 3: to understand why this impacted me so hard. The references

718
00:33:27,880 --> 00:33:30,080
Speaker 3: to her dad is because her father was slash is

719
00:33:30,120 --> 00:33:33,040
Speaker 3: a serial cheater and was so blatant about it that

720
00:33:33,120 --> 00:33:35,000
Speaker 3: he'd never even tried to hide it from his two

721
00:33:35,040 --> 00:33:35,920
Speaker 3: oldest children.

722
00:33:36,000 --> 00:33:38,040
Speaker 1: He just bought their silence from whoever he was with

723
00:33:38,080 --> 00:33:39,960
Speaker 1: at the time. That's so funny. She's like, I'm not

724
00:33:40,040 --> 00:33:43,320
Speaker 1: like my dad. I keep it a secret, a secret.

725
00:33:43,520 --> 00:33:45,640
Speaker 1: Like what girl? Anyone you just don't want to be

726
00:33:45,680 --> 00:33:47,960
Speaker 1: like your dad? But here you are, you are being

727
00:33:48,160 --> 00:33:48,720
Speaker 1: like your dad.

728
00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:54,240
Speaker 3: Oh and anyone scratched out in black is inconsequential. In

729
00:33:54,280 --> 00:33:56,680
Speaker 3: one image, she says that she doesn't regret our marriage

730
00:33:56,800 --> 00:33:59,240
Speaker 3: that was in her private group, but in her messages

731
00:33:59,280 --> 00:34:00,920
Speaker 3: to one or two of her friends, I don't think

732
00:34:00,920 --> 00:34:03,800
Speaker 3: I posted that one, she definitely says that she regrets it.

733
00:34:04,120 --> 00:34:04,800
Speaker 1: Edit number two.

734
00:34:04,920 --> 00:34:07,680
Speaker 3: All in all, I just feel like she settled for me,

735
00:34:08,080 --> 00:34:10,759
Speaker 3: like like I was her safe, second, or third or

736
00:34:10,800 --> 00:34:15,080
Speaker 3: even fourth choice. I've talked to her about this in

737
00:34:15,120 --> 00:34:17,120
Speaker 3: the past and she assures me that it isn't true,

738
00:34:17,360 --> 00:34:20,080
Speaker 3: but it's her word that's in question. We own a house,

739
00:34:20,239 --> 00:34:23,400
Speaker 3: have kids, cars, and I make six figures. Now Jack

740
00:34:23,560 --> 00:34:27,360
Speaker 3: is married with kids, and last I looked, Kevin is

741
00:34:27,360 --> 00:34:29,320
Speaker 3: still single, but on the other side of the country

742
00:34:29,320 --> 00:34:31,480
Speaker 3: and not nearly as well off as I am. So

743
00:34:31,520 --> 00:34:33,759
Speaker 3: it makes me wonder if she's only here because this

744
00:34:33,800 --> 00:34:36,279
Speaker 3: is where she's comfortable, safe and has everything, or if

745
00:34:36,280 --> 00:34:38,360
Speaker 3: it's because she genuinely wants to be with me.

746
00:34:38,440 --> 00:34:40,480
Speaker 1: And we do have some comments, but do you have

747
00:34:40,520 --> 00:34:43,560
Speaker 1: any comments? Before we read these, I've said so many

748
00:34:43,600 --> 00:34:43,919
Speaker 1: of them.

749
00:34:44,400 --> 00:34:47,960
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm gonna assume that these comments are saying what

750
00:34:48,040 --> 00:34:48,680
Speaker 3: we've been saying.

751
00:34:48,840 --> 00:34:51,000
Speaker 1: I ah, yeah, I hope they are. I hope they're

752
00:34:51,000 --> 00:34:54,520
Speaker 1: all like telling Ope to leave. Yeah, you don't. You

753
00:34:54,560 --> 00:34:58,719
Speaker 1: don't trust your wife? Yeah, rightfully? So yeah, absolutely not

754
00:34:58,800 --> 00:35:00,520
Speaker 1: gonna work. Absolutely common.

755
00:35:00,600 --> 00:35:03,760
Speaker 3: Number one says, do a DNA test on your oldest.

756
00:35:03,960 --> 00:35:06,480
Speaker 3: Opie says, I've thought about it, but honestly, our oldest

757
00:35:06,560 --> 00:35:08,960
Speaker 3: child is a spitting image of younger me. Our second

758
00:35:09,000 --> 00:35:11,080
Speaker 3: child looks almost nothing like me, but that's because he

759
00:35:11,200 --> 00:35:13,200
Speaker 3: super strongly favors her side of the family.

760
00:35:13,680 --> 00:35:15,920
Speaker 1: He looks just like her brothers and.

761
00:35:15,800 --> 00:35:19,000
Speaker 3: I've brought up discussions about DNA and ancestry testing before

762
00:35:19,280 --> 00:35:21,640
Speaker 3: and she was completely unconcerned and thought that it would

763
00:35:21,640 --> 00:35:24,440
Speaker 3: be fun. I still think about doing it from time

764
00:35:24,480 --> 00:35:26,680
Speaker 3: to time, but life gets in the way. Even as

765
00:35:26,719 --> 00:35:29,080
Speaker 3: I'm writing this, though, I still feel like I wish

766
00:35:29,080 --> 00:35:30,359
Speaker 3: I was one hundred percent sure.

767
00:35:30,840 --> 00:35:32,799
Speaker 1: I guess I'll look into that today. Op.

768
00:35:32,840 --> 00:35:34,759
Speaker 3: He also says, I get the points that you guys

769
00:35:34,760 --> 00:35:37,040
Speaker 3: are making, but there's an additional factor.

770
00:35:37,239 --> 00:35:40,200
Speaker 1: I've seen the other guy. He and I look nothing alike.

771
00:35:40,440 --> 00:35:42,200
Speaker 3: There's no way that he and my wife could have

772
00:35:42,239 --> 00:35:45,600
Speaker 3: a child that would result in looking anything like me.

773
00:35:45,920 --> 00:35:48,319
Speaker 3: My child wouldn't even be the same skin tone as

774
00:35:48,360 --> 00:35:52,080
Speaker 3: she is now. Additionally, I've seen his children and they

775
00:35:52,200 --> 00:35:56,120
Speaker 3: look nothing like mine. Common Number two says, first things First,

776
00:35:56,480 --> 00:35:58,920
Speaker 3: have you contacted Jack to get his side of the story?

777
00:35:59,040 --> 00:36:02,799
Speaker 1: Oh? Oh, he says, actually, yeah, I did that late

778
00:36:02,880 --> 00:36:03,880
Speaker 1: last year. WHOA.

779
00:36:04,680 --> 00:36:06,560
Speaker 3: I explained who I was and why I reach out

780
00:36:06,560 --> 00:36:09,080
Speaker 3: to him, and once he understood the situation, he backed

781
00:36:09,120 --> 00:36:10,080
Speaker 3: up her story that they.

782
00:36:09,960 --> 00:36:11,200
Speaker 1: Didn't sleep together that night.

783
00:36:11,400 --> 00:36:13,200
Speaker 3: On the one hand, I want to believe him because

784
00:36:13,200 --> 00:36:15,439
Speaker 3: everything I heard about him indicates that he's a stand

785
00:36:15,520 --> 00:36:17,719
Speaker 3: up guy. But on the other hand, he's someone that's

786
00:36:17,800 --> 00:36:20,440
Speaker 3: known my wife since elementary school, had on and off

787
00:36:20,480 --> 00:36:23,440
Speaker 3: relationships with her, potentially got her pregnant ones if they're

788
00:36:23,520 --> 00:36:26,040
Speaker 3: lying about this scenario. And at the time I asked him,

789
00:36:26,120 --> 00:36:29,320
Speaker 3: he is currently married with two daughters, So even though

790
00:36:29,360 --> 00:36:31,879
Speaker 3: this would have occurred before he was married, I'm sure

791
00:36:31,920 --> 00:36:33,680
Speaker 3: his wife wouldn't be happy to find out that he

792
00:36:33,680 --> 00:36:36,560
Speaker 3: had once slept with a married woman in his past. Logically,

793
00:36:36,640 --> 00:36:39,640
Speaker 3: I understand that it's likely nothing happened. Emotionally, I'm having

794
00:36:39,640 --> 00:36:42,640
Speaker 3: trouble believing that after reading how my wife compared me

795
00:36:42,760 --> 00:36:46,160
Speaker 3: and him to her friends and there is another update.

796
00:36:46,280 --> 00:36:49,399
Speaker 1: Dang man, this story, this poor man, this poor man,

797
00:36:49,719 --> 00:36:53,280
Speaker 1: poor man or poor man. Yeah, he just can't see

798
00:36:53,680 --> 00:36:57,680
Speaker 1: who his wife is. Yeah. Well, it's hard too, because

799
00:36:57,680 --> 00:37:00,680
Speaker 1: I mean he's had so many years that's like good

800
00:37:00,760 --> 00:37:03,440
Speaker 1: times that well, I think the problem is that it

801
00:37:03,600 --> 00:37:07,759
Speaker 1: happened so many years ago. Yeah, he's just like, yeah,

802
00:37:08,160 --> 00:37:10,200
Speaker 1: the past five years found out.

803
00:37:10,440 --> 00:37:13,400
Speaker 3: Right, and like the messages supposedly like only occurred for

804
00:37:13,440 --> 00:37:15,560
Speaker 3: a couple of years. Yeah, out of all, it's much

805
00:37:15,600 --> 00:37:17,719
Speaker 3: more recent for him, whereas for her, she's like that

806
00:37:17,760 --> 00:37:21,200
Speaker 3: happened like thirteen years ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it doesn't

807
00:37:21,239 --> 00:37:22,280
Speaker 3: matter to me anymore.

808
00:37:22,480 --> 00:37:26,080
Speaker 6: Yeah, I know family members like where they got cheated

809
00:37:26,080 --> 00:37:29,319
Speaker 6: on and then nine years later they found out and

810
00:37:29,760 --> 00:37:32,560
Speaker 6: it was like really interesting to see how they worked

811
00:37:32,600 --> 00:37:32,960
Speaker 6: that out.

812
00:37:33,239 --> 00:37:33,600
Speaker 1: Yeah.

813
00:37:33,680 --> 00:37:34,000
Speaker 3: Yeah.

814
00:37:34,000 --> 00:37:35,239
Speaker 1: But then it's also a thing like.

815
00:37:37,000 --> 00:37:39,279
Speaker 3: Where I wasn't like totally sure if I got cheated on,

816
00:37:39,640 --> 00:37:43,239
Speaker 3: but then like later, like nine months later, I was like, Okay, yeah,

817
00:37:43,239 --> 00:37:45,480
Speaker 3: I'm pretty sure that happened. And it was still like

818
00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:48,359
Speaker 3: gut wrenching just thinking about it. And I didn't even know,

819
00:37:48,560 --> 00:37:50,319
Speaker 3: you know what I mean. So it's like that that

820
00:37:50,360 --> 00:37:54,400
Speaker 3: stuff is. It's just that like trust and betrayal is

821
00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:58,240
Speaker 3: still existent, even if so like you know, she's sorry

822
00:37:58,280 --> 00:38:02,040
Speaker 3: and she's made it up, you know. Oh so yeah,

823
00:38:02,080 --> 00:38:06,120
Speaker 3: so Opie, it's okay, it's okay to few these things. Okay,

824
00:38:06,360 --> 00:38:08,799
Speaker 3: but we do have an update. So I really was

825
00:38:08,880 --> 00:38:10,640
Speaker 3: leaning on trying harder.

826
00:38:10,400 --> 00:38:11,319
Speaker 1: To let the past go.

827
00:38:11,840 --> 00:38:14,920
Speaker 3: It's been years, and even though trauma doesn't just disappear

828
00:38:14,960 --> 00:38:18,360
Speaker 3: like that. It felt like I could and should make peace.

829
00:38:18,160 --> 00:38:19,279
Speaker 1: With my life as it was.

830
00:38:19,800 --> 00:38:22,960
Speaker 3: Unfortunately, we got into a stupid argument today and everything's

831
00:38:22,920 --> 00:38:25,600
Speaker 3: spilled over because she started the argument in front of

832
00:38:25,600 --> 00:38:26,240
Speaker 3: our ten.

833
00:38:26,120 --> 00:38:27,000
Speaker 1: Year old daughter.

834
00:38:27,360 --> 00:38:31,160
Speaker 3: No we tried, or at least I tried to keep

835
00:38:31,160 --> 00:38:33,000
Speaker 3: a lid on it for our daughter's sake, but she

836
00:38:33,320 --> 00:38:36,120
Speaker 3: just wouldn't drop it. So once we got some distance

837
00:38:36,200 --> 00:38:38,040
Speaker 3: between us, I texted her and told her that I

838
00:38:38,080 --> 00:38:39,840
Speaker 3: resented a lot of things that she's done to me

839
00:38:39,920 --> 00:38:42,839
Speaker 3: over the years. I resented being somewhere between her third

840
00:38:42,880 --> 00:38:45,480
Speaker 3: and fifth choice. I resented her talking crap about me

841
00:38:45,560 --> 00:38:48,720
Speaker 3: to her friends when she needed to vent, especially because

842
00:38:48,719 --> 00:38:50,839
Speaker 3: I have no one to vent to except for her.

843
00:38:51,280 --> 00:38:54,839
Speaker 3: I resented having to constantly seek her out in this relationship.

844
00:38:54,920 --> 00:38:57,200
Speaker 3: I told her that she says that she cares, but

845
00:38:57,239 --> 00:39:00,239
Speaker 3: her behavior doesn't match her words. I shouldn't have to

846
00:39:00,239 --> 00:39:02,839
Speaker 3: constantly ask her to spend quality time with me, or

847
00:39:02,840 --> 00:39:06,080
Speaker 3: be intimate that a person who genuinely wanted me would

848
00:39:06,080 --> 00:39:08,520
Speaker 3: seek those things out on their own. I told her

849
00:39:08,560 --> 00:39:10,400
Speaker 3: that part of me believes that she wanted me to

850
00:39:10,440 --> 00:39:12,480
Speaker 3: get to this point so that i'd be the one.

851
00:39:12,320 --> 00:39:14,640
Speaker 1: To call it quits, and she wouldn't look like the

852
00:39:14,680 --> 00:39:15,120
Speaker 1: bad guy.

853
00:39:15,480 --> 00:39:17,560
Speaker 3: I told her that, even though she claims that she

854
00:39:17,719 --> 00:39:20,319
Speaker 3: agreed to counseling, I'm the one that has to set

855
00:39:20,360 --> 00:39:22,680
Speaker 3: it up because she can't be bothered enough to care

856
00:39:23,000 --> 00:39:25,560
Speaker 3: for context there. She handles all of our insurance related

857
00:39:25,640 --> 00:39:29,279
Speaker 3: responsibilities and appointments, so it's unfamiliar territory for me to

858
00:39:29,280 --> 00:39:30,200
Speaker 3: handle stuff like that. Eve.

859
00:39:30,200 --> 00:39:33,720
Speaker 1: Any final thoughts, none, None that I haven't already said.

860
00:39:33,920 --> 00:39:38,279
Speaker 3: Yeah, same, same stuff. Honestly, let's just finish this right up.

861
00:39:38,320 --> 00:39:38,680
Speaker 1: Anyway.

862
00:39:38,760 --> 00:39:41,279
Speaker 3: She eventually said if separation was what I wanted, then

863
00:39:41,280 --> 00:39:43,760
Speaker 3: she would leave. I told her if she wasn't willing

864
00:39:43,800 --> 00:39:45,759
Speaker 3: to walk in with the fresh apology and ready to

865
00:39:45,800 --> 00:39:49,040
Speaker 3: discuss our issues, then she can pack her crap and go.

866
00:39:49,400 --> 00:39:52,480
Speaker 3: Since I sent that message, she's sent me three counselor

867
00:39:52,520 --> 00:39:55,240
Speaker 3: options and says that she doesn't think separation or divorce

868
00:39:55,680 --> 00:39:58,000
Speaker 3: is the answer. So I guess we'll do couples counseling

869
00:39:58,040 --> 00:40:00,520
Speaker 3: and go from there. Okay, So she totally like.

870
00:40:00,480 --> 00:40:03,680
Speaker 1: Flipped on that. Yeah, she called she was bluffing, and

871
00:40:03,680 --> 00:40:06,319
Speaker 1: then he called yeah, interesting. Yeah, she was like, if

872
00:40:06,360 --> 00:40:08,040
Speaker 1: you want to break up, we could break up and

873
00:40:08,080 --> 00:40:11,520
Speaker 1: she was like, well, if you don't want to do therapy,

874
00:40:11,560 --> 00:40:12,160
Speaker 1: we could break up.

875
00:40:12,200 --> 00:40:14,799
Speaker 3: And she's like, oh wait wait wait, never mind, never mind.

876
00:40:15,760 --> 00:40:18,560
Speaker 3: So yeah, okay, oh and not seeing the story.

877
00:40:18,600 --> 00:40:22,600
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, whoa. My wife confessed her affair to me

878
00:40:22,960 --> 00:40:26,640
Speaker 1: while we were on vacation. Oh that's the worst time.

879
00:40:27,080 --> 00:40:30,080
Speaker 1: I am three point five weeks post a fair discovery. I,

880
00:40:30,280 --> 00:40:33,200
Speaker 1: twenty eight male, was working abroad for seven months while

881
00:40:33,239 --> 00:40:36,160
Speaker 1: my wife, twenty seven female, stayed back at our apartment.

882
00:40:36,360 --> 00:40:38,640
Speaker 1: She works full time and goes to grad school at night.

883
00:40:39,040 --> 00:40:41,640
Speaker 1: I got three weeks off and planned a European vacation

884
00:40:41,800 --> 00:40:44,280
Speaker 1: for us. My wife would meet me during her spring

885
00:40:44,320 --> 00:40:46,080
Speaker 1: break and then I would go back to work and

886
00:40:46,120 --> 00:40:48,520
Speaker 1: she would return home. By the way, this comes from

887
00:40:48,560 --> 00:40:50,759
Speaker 1: practical tip I've someone one and if you want to

888
00:40:50,760 --> 00:40:52,799
Speaker 1: spend your own stories, go to the r slash. Okay,

889
00:40:52,800 --> 00:40:56,640
Speaker 1: storytime separate it. So on the first day, when I

890
00:40:56,719 --> 00:40:59,160
Speaker 1: picked her up from the airport with a rose in hand,

891
00:40:59,719 --> 00:41:02,080
Speaker 1: she's me semed a little distant, and I attributed that

892
00:41:02,239 --> 00:41:06,600
Speaker 1: to jetlag. Throughout the day, things seemed mostly normal. At lunch,

893
00:41:06,600 --> 00:41:10,640
Speaker 1: she ordered fish. She's a strict vegetarian, and that really

894
00:41:10,680 --> 00:41:12,760
Speaker 1: threw me off, but I figured she wanted to enjoy

895
00:41:12,840 --> 00:41:15,920
Speaker 1: the coastal cuisine. Later in the day, I made a

896
00:41:15,920 --> 00:41:18,400
Speaker 1: comment about having kids, and she said something to the

897
00:41:18,440 --> 00:41:21,320
Speaker 1: effect of, we have some problems to sort out before

898
00:41:21,360 --> 00:41:23,680
Speaker 1: we have kids. I was pretty shocked by the statement

899
00:41:23,760 --> 00:41:26,239
Speaker 1: because we had been talking about having kids as soon

900
00:41:26,280 --> 00:41:28,760
Speaker 1: as I got back from my one year work assignment abroad.

901
00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:32,080
Speaker 1: We had been having these discussions within the last several weeks.

902
00:41:32,600 --> 00:41:35,400
Speaker 1: I kind of attributed the comment to jet lag stop

903
00:41:35,960 --> 00:41:37,560
Speaker 1: and we went to the hotel to take it out.

904
00:41:37,640 --> 00:41:40,000
Speaker 1: After the nap, I brought up the comment about the kids.

905
00:41:40,239 --> 00:41:42,760
Speaker 1: This led to a long discussion about how she finds

906
00:41:42,800 --> 00:41:47,120
Speaker 1: some of my behaviors emotionally harmful. This is a conversation

907
00:41:47,200 --> 00:41:50,440
Speaker 1: we have had before and even enrolled in diy gautment

908
00:41:50,560 --> 00:41:53,520
Speaker 1: therapy in the past. I have reacted negatively to the

909
00:41:53,600 --> 00:41:57,200
Speaker 1: term emotional abuse because, even by her own admission, my

910
00:41:57,320 --> 00:42:01,000
Speaker 1: behaviors are not intended to cause her any harm. It

911
00:42:01,080 --> 00:42:03,799
Speaker 1: is more of a communication style issue. She went into

912
00:42:03,800 --> 00:42:07,359
Speaker 1: the details of what she considers emotionally harmful, which are

913
00:42:08,080 --> 00:42:10,920
Speaker 1: excessive concern for her and social situations where I'm not

914
00:42:11,040 --> 00:42:14,319
Speaker 1: at She got blackout wasted at a coworker party once,

915
00:42:14,360 --> 00:42:16,440
Speaker 1: and I've been worried about her since then. But I

916
00:42:16,440 --> 00:42:21,040
Speaker 1: wouldn't be overbearing, talking down and being short with her,

917
00:42:21,520 --> 00:42:23,880
Speaker 1: judging her. I really don't. She just thinks I do

918
00:42:24,440 --> 00:42:27,200
Speaker 1: concern about how she spends her money. She has concealed

919
00:42:27,239 --> 00:42:32,680
Speaker 1: thousands and purchases from me, and our finances are completely combined. Yikes.

920
00:42:33,600 --> 00:42:36,320
Speaker 1: In therapy now and talking to friends, the emotional abuse

921
00:42:36,320 --> 00:42:40,319
Speaker 1: accusation seems to be more of a distraction, but I

922
00:42:40,360 --> 00:42:42,840
Speaker 1: really bought it, hook line and sinker. At this point,

923
00:42:43,000 --> 00:42:44,840
Speaker 1: I listened to all of what she had to say,

924
00:42:44,880 --> 00:42:47,640
Speaker 1: and I validated her feelings because I could see she

925
00:42:47,760 --> 00:42:51,200
Speaker 1: was upset, and I said, even if I didn't intend

926
00:42:51,280 --> 00:42:53,560
Speaker 1: to hurt you, I never want you to feel that way.

927
00:42:54,120 --> 00:42:56,239
Speaker 1: I said I would come home and cancel the trip

928
00:42:56,280 --> 00:42:58,839
Speaker 1: to work on the marriage and evaluate if I should

929
00:42:58,880 --> 00:43:02,600
Speaker 1: cancel the rest of my assignment overseas. At this point,

930
00:43:02,600 --> 00:43:05,279
Speaker 1: she begins breaking down and the words that are still

931
00:43:05,320 --> 00:43:08,239
Speaker 1: haunting me came out of her mouth. I cheated on you.

932
00:43:08,640 --> 00:43:13,400
Speaker 1: Oh no, she was projecting op and then she felt

933
00:43:13,400 --> 00:43:17,239
Speaker 1: bad because she were really nice about it. Man, I

934
00:43:17,360 --> 00:43:19,920
Speaker 1: literally could not believe it. I have been with her

935
00:43:20,000 --> 00:43:24,120
Speaker 1: for eight years. Oh, I trusted her with my life,

936
00:43:24,239 --> 00:43:27,840
Speaker 1: and this is completely out of character. I pressed for details,

937
00:43:27,840 --> 00:43:29,960
Speaker 1: and she said she got wasted at a grad school

938
00:43:29,960 --> 00:43:33,000
Speaker 1: happy hour and met a guy named John and went

939
00:43:33,080 --> 00:43:35,960
Speaker 1: to his apartment and had spicy sleep with them. She

940
00:43:36,040 --> 00:43:38,760
Speaker 1: gave me a lot of I don't knows and couldn't

941
00:43:38,760 --> 00:43:41,279
Speaker 1: give me a date. She assured me multiple times that

942
00:43:41,320 --> 00:43:44,239
Speaker 1: it was one time. She doesn't know the guy and

943
00:43:44,320 --> 00:43:47,359
Speaker 1: never talked to him again. I believed her. I threw up,

944
00:43:47,760 --> 00:43:50,560
Speaker 1: I cried, I had what felt like a panic attack.

945
00:43:51,160 --> 00:43:55,000
Speaker 1: My life was completely flipped upside down. I eventually calmed down,

946
00:43:55,120 --> 00:43:57,640
Speaker 1: and my wife and I talked and I forgave her

947
00:43:58,040 --> 00:44:01,160
Speaker 1: and expressed a desire to move forward. We decided we

948
00:44:01,239 --> 00:44:03,320
Speaker 1: would finish the week in Europe and I would return

949
00:44:03,360 --> 00:44:06,160
Speaker 1: to the States with her and cancel my work assignment

950
00:44:06,160 --> 00:44:08,880
Speaker 1: abroad to work on the marriage. The week in Europe

951
00:44:08,920 --> 00:44:12,160
Speaker 1: was great, was it? We had so many deep conversations

952
00:44:12,200 --> 00:44:15,480
Speaker 1: about life and our future and our past. We had

953
00:44:15,480 --> 00:44:18,800
Speaker 1: an amazing spicy sleep, like three times every day, Google

954
00:44:18,880 --> 00:44:23,400
Speaker 1: hysterical ponding. We took selfie's kissing, We talked about having kids,

955
00:44:23,440 --> 00:44:25,960
Speaker 1: We made future plans, what is going on? We took

956
00:44:26,040 --> 00:44:29,399
Speaker 1: selfie's kissing. I thought we had a good relationship. Once

957
00:44:29,440 --> 00:44:31,560
Speaker 1: we got back home, it's like a switch flip. We

958
00:44:31,600 --> 00:44:34,920
Speaker 1: had marriage counseling schedule for two days after I got back.

959
00:44:35,080 --> 00:44:37,480
Speaker 1: The day before the counseling, my wife broke down to

960
00:44:37,520 --> 00:44:40,320
Speaker 1: me and told me she was one hundred percent done

961
00:44:40,520 --> 00:44:43,400
Speaker 1: with the relationship and said she was too far gone.

962
00:44:43,520 --> 00:44:45,400
Speaker 1: I reassured her that it's okay to have these feelings

963
00:44:45,440 --> 00:44:47,400
Speaker 1: and let's go to the counselor. At the councilor, they

964
00:44:47,400 --> 00:44:49,960
Speaker 1: told my wife it appears she is in flight mode

965
00:44:50,040 --> 00:44:52,280
Speaker 1: and told her to give it two weeks before deciding

966
00:44:52,280 --> 00:44:55,080
Speaker 1: if she wants to leave. She agreed, and we also

967
00:44:55,120 --> 00:44:57,319
Speaker 1: agreed to give each other space while we both went

968
00:44:57,360 --> 00:45:02,040
Speaker 1: to individual therapy that lasted less than twenty four hours.

969
00:45:02,600 --> 00:45:05,320
Speaker 1: The next day, she was even more distant. She was

970
00:45:05,360 --> 00:45:09,120
Speaker 1: guarding her phone very strangely and texting constantly. I assumed

971
00:45:09,160 --> 00:45:11,440
Speaker 1: she was planning her exit from the apartment with family.

972
00:45:11,680 --> 00:45:13,880
Speaker 1: I found a journal entry which she left out in

973
00:45:13,920 --> 00:45:18,880
Speaker 1: the open with plans to get lawyer. It's on the

974
00:45:18,880 --> 00:45:24,879
Speaker 1: coffee table and says one get lawyer? Do how do Tex?

975
00:45:25,440 --> 00:45:28,799
Speaker 1: How to taxes and get apartment. At that point I

976
00:45:28,880 --> 00:45:31,440
Speaker 1: realized it was done. I called my parents and they

977
00:45:31,480 --> 00:45:33,960
Speaker 1: were insistent there must be more to the story, like

978
00:45:34,000 --> 00:45:36,200
Speaker 1: another guy in the picture. I was adamant that was

979
00:45:36,200 --> 00:45:38,359
Speaker 1: not the case. There was no way my wife could

980
00:45:38,440 --> 00:45:42,920
Speaker 1: lie to me like that, especially during such emotional, deep conversations.

981
00:45:43,160 --> 00:45:46,680
Speaker 1: They took selfie's kissing. She leaves the apartment that night.

982
00:45:46,880 --> 00:45:48,640
Speaker 1: On the way out, she cries and tells me she

983
00:45:48,719 --> 00:45:51,920
Speaker 1: never wanted to hurt me. I'm confused and sad. She

984
00:45:52,000 --> 00:45:54,759
Speaker 1: goes to a female coworker's house out of town for

985
00:45:54,840 --> 00:45:57,600
Speaker 1: the weekend. She breaks the news to our mutual friends,

986
00:45:57,640 --> 00:46:00,680
Speaker 1: who are all just as confused as me. Saturday, I'm

987
00:46:00,719 --> 00:46:04,280
Speaker 1: starting to process the situation, but I remember my parents

988
00:46:04,360 --> 00:46:07,600
Speaker 1: concern about another guy in the picture. Out of due diligence,

989
00:46:07,640 --> 00:46:10,560
Speaker 1: I check the phone records. Over two thousand messages in

990
00:46:10,680 --> 00:46:14,280
Speaker 1: less than a week, and a sixty five minute call

991
00:46:14,320 --> 00:46:18,080
Speaker 1: with a male coworker all at night. I start to panic.

992
00:46:18,360 --> 00:46:21,279
Speaker 1: I eventually am able to see her location history. She

993
00:46:21,360 --> 00:46:23,759
Speaker 1: goes to his apartment multiple times over night a week

994
00:46:23,880 --> 00:46:27,000
Speaker 1: before the vacation. I find social media messages between them.

995
00:46:27,239 --> 00:46:30,680
Speaker 1: She's messaging about how much she enjoyed effing him while

996
00:46:30,760 --> 00:46:33,120
Speaker 1: she was sitting next to me on the couch the

997
00:46:33,200 --> 00:46:36,839
Speaker 1: day she was guarding her phone. My heart drops. I

998
00:46:36,840 --> 00:46:39,719
Speaker 1: feel sick. I feel like such an idiot for being

999
00:46:39,719 --> 00:46:42,640
Speaker 1: manipulated by her. I feel like I don't even know

1000
00:46:42,680 --> 00:46:45,759
Speaker 1: who this person is. I confront her, and all she

1001
00:46:45,840 --> 00:46:48,880
Speaker 1: can manage is I didn't want to hurt you. She

1002
00:46:48,960 --> 00:46:51,480
Speaker 1: still hasn't given me an answer as to how this happened.

1003
00:46:51,600 --> 00:46:54,640
Speaker 1: She told no one, not her friends, her parents, and

1004
00:46:54,680 --> 00:46:57,000
Speaker 1: she made it seem completely normal to me while she

1005
00:46:57,040 --> 00:47:00,319
Speaker 1: was effing this other guy. She's a very good liar, Opie. Yeah.

1006
00:47:00,480 --> 00:47:02,600
Speaker 1: She then signed the lease in his apartment building a

1007
00:47:02,640 --> 00:47:05,080
Speaker 1: city over and moves out a week after I find

1008
00:47:05,080 --> 00:47:07,719
Speaker 1: out moving her stuff out. She is cold and is

1009
00:47:07,800 --> 00:47:10,520
Speaker 1: nothing like the person I know. I am struggling right

1010
00:47:10,560 --> 00:47:12,920
Speaker 1: now with the lack of closure. When did she check

1011
00:47:12,960 --> 00:47:16,160
Speaker 1: out of the marriage? Were there other affairs? Why not

1012
00:47:16,280 --> 00:47:18,720
Speaker 1: just leave if you're unhappy and there is an update?

1013
00:47:19,080 --> 00:47:23,319
Speaker 1: Do you have any thoughts for op I mean, why

1014
00:47:23,360 --> 00:47:26,319
Speaker 1: not just leave? Yeah? Just leave? Well, I mean she's

1015
00:47:26,360 --> 00:47:29,800
Speaker 1: left you, so, I mean he's he's gone now, just gone.

1016
00:47:30,360 --> 00:47:32,480
Speaker 3: I mean, like if you if you are at the

1017
00:47:32,480 --> 00:47:35,000
Speaker 3: point where you're like, think you want to cheat on

1018
00:47:35,120 --> 00:47:38,560
Speaker 3: your husband. Just leave your husband and then you don't

1019
00:47:38,600 --> 00:47:41,040
Speaker 3: have to cheat. Yeah, you get you get both. I

1020
00:47:41,080 --> 00:47:44,839
Speaker 3: don't understand it. It's like, you're just leave, just get

1021
00:47:44,840 --> 00:47:46,839
Speaker 3: out of there, man, Like, there's no way that it's

1022
00:47:46,840 --> 00:47:49,560
Speaker 3: going to just you're there's no either you're either going

1023
00:47:49,640 --> 00:47:52,799
Speaker 3: to keep the ceere forever or that it won't hurt him.

1024
00:47:52,960 --> 00:47:55,640
Speaker 1: No, exactly, it's always gonna come out. It's gonna be

1025
00:47:55,680 --> 00:47:58,879
Speaker 1: worse than the long run. Yeah, so just leave, just leave.

1026
00:47:59,080 --> 00:48:03,719
Speaker 1: Update today, we exchanged financial documents through lawyers. Our finances

1027
00:48:03,760 --> 00:48:06,839
Speaker 1: were completely integrated, and we used a budgeting app that

1028
00:48:06,880 --> 00:48:11,680
Speaker 1: auto imported transactions. However, my soon to be ex wife's

1029
00:48:11,680 --> 00:48:15,160
Speaker 1: bank account, I don't know why that hard. However, my

1030
00:48:15,239 --> 00:48:17,919
Speaker 1: soon to be ex's wife's bank account and credit card

1031
00:48:18,200 --> 00:48:20,560
Speaker 1: that she had had since high school did not work

1032
00:48:20,600 --> 00:48:24,560
Speaker 1: with the auto import, requiring her to manually enter transactions.

1033
00:48:24,880 --> 00:48:27,200
Speaker 1: I'm sure you can see where this is going. Going

1034
00:48:27,200 --> 00:48:30,160
Speaker 1: through the statements on the account, I found approximately six

1035
00:48:30,239 --> 00:48:33,759
Speaker 1: hundred to fourteen hundred a month for the last six

1036
00:48:33,800 --> 00:48:37,319
Speaker 1: months place she could keep track of your finances. Holy

1037
00:48:37,400 --> 00:48:43,080
Speaker 1: crap in spending on jewelry, lingerie, clothes, makeup, plants, plants, etsy,

1038
00:48:43,239 --> 00:48:47,160
Speaker 1: et cetera. We both had four hundred dollars each discretionary spending.

1039
00:48:47,520 --> 00:48:50,600
Speaker 1: She would only enter transactions to get up to four hundred,

1040
00:48:50,640 --> 00:48:53,239
Speaker 1: and some of the purchases were on other cards and

1041
00:48:53,280 --> 00:48:55,000
Speaker 1: then she would just move money at the end of

1042
00:48:55,000 --> 00:48:58,040
Speaker 1: the month to cover the cards balance. I unfortunately did

1043
00:48:58,040 --> 00:49:00,080
Speaker 1: not catch this as I was working a lot and

1044
00:49:00,080 --> 00:49:01,960
Speaker 1: we also had a lot of money coming in due

1045
00:49:02,000 --> 00:49:04,719
Speaker 1: to my job, so it was easier for her to

1046
00:49:04,760 --> 00:49:08,160
Speaker 1: conceal I mentioned in my original post that last October

1047
00:49:08,640 --> 00:49:12,400
Speaker 1: I caught her concealing similar purchases using a different method.

1048
00:49:12,760 --> 00:49:17,200
Speaker 1: She promises to stop stress shopping, well, clearly she did not.

1049
00:49:17,680 --> 00:49:20,040
Speaker 1: It is another example I am finding of her actions

1050
00:49:20,040 --> 00:49:23,799
Speaker 1: not aligning with her words. Any final thought, I just

1051
00:49:24,640 --> 00:49:29,399
Speaker 1: I just forgot what we read. She cheated on him twice, yes,

1052
00:49:29,840 --> 00:49:34,400
Speaker 1: and then left him yes. And then also I stole

1053
00:49:34,440 --> 00:49:38,919
Speaker 1: money from their money. Okay, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's ah.

1054
00:49:39,160 --> 00:49:42,560
Speaker 3: That just like adds Insul's of injury because this is

1055
00:49:42,600 --> 00:49:45,080
Speaker 3: their shared money that he mentioned earlier in the story.

1056
00:49:45,200 --> 00:49:48,080
Speaker 1: Like said she had already been spending thousands of dollars

1057
00:49:48,160 --> 00:49:48,680
Speaker 1: with yeah.

1058
00:49:48,840 --> 00:49:50,840
Speaker 3: Yeah, Like when when I was reading the thing and

1059
00:49:50,880 --> 00:49:53,080
Speaker 3: it was saying like six hundred to fourteen hundred, I

1060
00:49:53,120 --> 00:49:55,719
Speaker 3: was thinking like that was the whole time, but then

1061
00:49:55,719 --> 00:49:58,759
Speaker 3: it said a month month when their discretionary spending is

1062
00:49:58,800 --> 00:50:02,319
Speaker 3: four hundred dollars. Yeah, oh my gosh, Like that's so

1063
00:50:02,520 --> 00:50:04,000
Speaker 3: that's not just like a studying problem.

1064
00:50:04,080 --> 00:50:07,560
Speaker 1: That's like a big, big problem. There's a little bit

1065
00:50:07,600 --> 00:50:07,920
Speaker 1: more though.

1066
00:50:08,080 --> 00:50:11,920
Speaker 3: All right, Opie's she's already left, so you don't have

1067
00:50:12,000 --> 00:50:15,560
Speaker 3: to leave her. You should, but gosh, take itself out.

1068
00:50:15,640 --> 00:50:18,800
Speaker 1: It's gone, it's gone. Yeah. I also have been exploring

1069
00:50:18,840 --> 00:50:22,080
Speaker 1: attachment theory and working on myself to better understand how

1070
00:50:22,080 --> 00:50:25,520
Speaker 1: my communication could have been better in the relationship. It

1071
00:50:25,560 --> 00:50:27,480
Speaker 1: has explained a lot of things that I do and

1072
00:50:27,560 --> 00:50:30,520
Speaker 1: she did that I previously did not understand. Why I

1073
00:50:30,560 --> 00:50:32,600
Speaker 1: am in a much better spot than my first post.

1074
00:50:33,239 --> 00:50:35,759
Speaker 1: It still sucks. I still don't get good sleep, and

1075
00:50:35,800 --> 00:50:38,080
Speaker 1: I get thoughts about this all day, but I'm also

1076
00:50:38,120 --> 00:50:42,200
Speaker 1: having good moments sprinkled in there. We have very limited communication,

1077
00:50:42,400 --> 00:50:44,920
Speaker 1: and I have blocked her on every social media and

1078
00:50:45,040 --> 00:50:48,920
Speaker 1: form of contact besides email. That has helped me too good.

1079
00:50:49,239 --> 00:50:52,480
Speaker 1: OPI it's not your fault. She's a cheater and she's

1080
00:50:52,520 --> 00:50:54,560
Speaker 1: got to cheat regardless of what you did or how

1081
00:50:54,600 --> 00:50:58,720
Speaker 1: well you communicated. Right. That just sucks me. It sucks.

1082
00:50:58,840 --> 00:51:01,040
Speaker 3: It sucks, It sucks, and I'm very sorry that you

1083
00:51:01,040 --> 00:51:02,800
Speaker 3: had to go through that. But I'm also very glad

1084
00:51:02,840 --> 00:51:05,080
Speaker 3: that you didn't just push through it. Yes, I mean

1085
00:51:05,120 --> 00:51:07,160
Speaker 3: you try, you try to push through in which is great.

1086
00:51:07,239 --> 00:51:10,000
Speaker 3: Honestly do you laughed and that's okay. Yeah's doing what

1087
00:51:10,040 --> 00:51:10,399
Speaker 3: you could.

1088
00:51:11,200 --> 00:51:13,200
Speaker 2: Hey, John Ogi host here, we're gonna get back to

1089
00:51:13,239 --> 00:51:15,439
Speaker 2: this episode, but a quick three minute break of ads

1090
00:51:15,440 --> 00:51:16,960
Speaker 2: from a sponsor's keeping the show alive.

1091
00:51:17,760 --> 00:51:21,400
Speaker 4: My boyfriend's family is keeping me a secret until we

1092
00:51:21,480 --> 00:51:25,720
Speaker 4: get married. Sh I'm twenty eight female and my partner

1093
00:51:25,840 --> 00:51:28,799
Speaker 4: is thirty one male. We've been together for almost eight

1094
00:51:28,920 --> 00:51:33,239
Speaker 4: years and we aren't engaged. He is a British Pakistani

1095
00:51:33,520 --> 00:51:37,200
Speaker 4: Muslim and I am white British atheist. It is also

1096
00:51:37,280 --> 00:51:40,239
Speaker 4: worth noting that I have a chronic illness that keeps

1097
00:51:40,280 --> 00:51:42,520
Speaker 4: me in pain twenty four to seven and makes it

1098
00:51:42,719 --> 00:51:45,280
Speaker 4: very difficult for me to do physical and at times

1099
00:51:45,400 --> 00:51:48,680
Speaker 4: mental things. By the way, this comes from Useful Dependent

1100
00:51:48,840 --> 00:51:50,640
Speaker 4: five oh five. And if you want to submit your

1101
00:51:50,640 --> 00:51:53,400
Speaker 4: own stories, go to the r slash Okay storytime subreddit.

1102
00:51:53,520 --> 00:51:57,200
Speaker 4: So I work for his and his families multiple companies

1103
00:51:57,480 --> 00:52:00,160
Speaker 4: and have worked myself to the bone, to so the

1104
00:52:00,160 --> 00:52:02,560
Speaker 4: point where I was still in the office the same

1105
00:52:02,640 --> 00:52:05,520
Speaker 4: day I was admitted to the ICU, half an hour

1106
00:52:05,560 --> 00:52:06,920
Speaker 4: away from passing away.

1107
00:52:07,560 --> 00:52:08,480
Speaker 1: Whoa, WHOA.

1108
00:52:09,160 --> 00:52:13,080
Speaker 4: I have many different roles within the company think ITHR

1109
00:52:13,480 --> 00:52:17,600
Speaker 4: Quality Assurance service manager basically dip into every single role

1110
00:52:17,640 --> 00:52:20,399
Speaker 4: which would normally take two to three people to cover,

1111
00:52:20,680 --> 00:52:22,600
Speaker 4: and I don't get paid. What would be fair to

1112
00:52:22,640 --> 00:52:25,760
Speaker 4: do all of these things? Alongside this? I work out

1113
00:52:25,800 --> 00:52:29,640
Speaker 4: of hours whenever needed for no extra pay, for example,

1114
00:52:29,719 --> 00:52:32,960
Speaker 4: to answer staff members or service users during the evenings

1115
00:52:33,400 --> 00:52:38,440
Speaker 4: or completing huge reports and tenders in the evenings and nights. Also,

1116
00:52:38,840 --> 00:52:41,160
Speaker 4: I've been happy to do so as my view is

1117
00:52:41,160 --> 00:52:43,400
Speaker 4: that whatever I do to help the company helps my

1118
00:52:43,480 --> 00:52:47,120
Speaker 4: partner and therefore my family me him, and are four

1119
00:52:47,239 --> 00:52:50,200
Speaker 4: cats who we basically see as children. I have also

1120
00:52:50,239 --> 00:52:53,640
Speaker 4: been told repeatedly by the family when discussing pay raises

1121
00:52:53,680 --> 00:52:56,080
Speaker 4: for work outside of hours or my role, that I

1122
00:52:56,160 --> 00:53:00,440
Speaker 4: get remuneration from being with my partner as he earns

1123
00:53:00,440 --> 00:53:03,319
Speaker 4: dividends being that it is a family company and it

1124
00:53:03,440 --> 00:53:07,120
Speaker 4: is a very stressful sector. There have been many fallouts

1125
00:53:07,120 --> 00:53:09,719
Speaker 4: between us, all horrible things said to me, and a

1126
00:53:09,840 --> 00:53:13,440
Speaker 4: ridiculous amount of stress. For the past seven years, his

1127
00:53:13,560 --> 00:53:17,080
Speaker 4: family has never trusted me fully and always kept me

1128
00:53:17,120 --> 00:53:20,600
Speaker 4: at arm's length, almost hiding me, citing that things would

1129
00:53:20,600 --> 00:53:23,239
Speaker 4: be different and I'd be included properly when we are

1130
00:53:23,280 --> 00:53:26,960
Speaker 4: married islamically and legally. For the first few years, I

1131
00:53:26,960 --> 00:53:29,759
Speaker 4: didn't even go into his parents' house and would have

1132
00:53:29,840 --> 00:53:32,439
Speaker 4: to sit outside. And now we are at the point

1133
00:53:32,440 --> 00:53:36,400
Speaker 4: where they will invite me to immediate family gatherings. However

1134
00:53:36,480 --> 00:53:39,799
Speaker 4: I'm hidden from anyone outside of that circle and not

1135
00:53:39,880 --> 00:53:43,560
Speaker 4: invited to events outside of the immediate family. For example,

1136
00:53:43,560 --> 00:53:45,799
Speaker 4: when his brother married his wife a few years ago,

1137
00:53:46,040 --> 00:53:49,320
Speaker 4: I was invited, but was told I'd need to pretend

1138
00:53:49,360 --> 00:53:52,399
Speaker 4: to be the wife's friend, so I refuse to go.

1139
00:53:52,840 --> 00:53:55,760
Speaker 4: I have put pressure on my partner repeatedly to propose

1140
00:53:55,840 --> 00:53:58,160
Speaker 4: to me so that we can get married. However this

1141
00:53:58,239 --> 00:54:00,839
Speaker 4: has still not happened. He claims that all of these

1142
00:54:00,880 --> 00:54:03,319
Speaker 4: family issues would be resolved if we just did the

1143
00:54:03,760 --> 00:54:08,000
Speaker 4: Islamic wedding, which involves conversion, which is a big commitment

1144
00:54:08,040 --> 00:54:11,520
Speaker 4: for me, considering my lifelong religious views. However, I have

1145
00:54:11,680 --> 00:54:14,080
Speaker 4: maintained that I want him to propose first so I

1146
00:54:14,120 --> 00:54:16,600
Speaker 4: can enjoy the feeling of being engaged for a little while.

1147
00:54:16,800 --> 00:54:19,840
Speaker 4: This still hasn't happened, and we are very busy people,

1148
00:54:20,000 --> 00:54:22,200
Speaker 4: but more recently I've been feeling like this is a

1149
00:54:22,280 --> 00:54:26,280
Speaker 4: commitment issue instead. We started looking for houses to buy recently,

1150
00:54:26,480 --> 00:54:29,279
Speaker 4: as we have decent salaries and savings and we are

1151
00:54:29,320 --> 00:54:33,080
Speaker 4: currently renting, so wasting money paying our landlord's mortgage instead

1152
00:54:33,080 --> 00:54:36,960
Speaker 4: of our own. We did find our absolute dream house. However,

1153
00:54:37,040 --> 00:54:40,319
Speaker 4: my partner's family are the type to haggle wherever they can,

1154
00:54:40,560 --> 00:54:42,760
Speaker 4: and they convinced him to do so on this house

1155
00:54:42,840 --> 00:54:45,680
Speaker 4: and we lost it, which devastated me as it was

1156
00:54:45,760 --> 00:54:48,440
Speaker 4: one of the only things I've ever truly wanted in

1157
00:54:48,480 --> 00:54:52,240
Speaker 4: life and felt like we deserved after working so hard. However,

1158
00:54:52,320 --> 00:54:55,080
Speaker 4: my partner was keen to continue looking, so I pushed

1159
00:54:55,080 --> 00:54:57,520
Speaker 4: this aside and carried on going to house viewings. On

1160
00:54:57,560 --> 00:54:59,520
Speaker 4: the same day we found out that we had lost

1161
00:54:59,600 --> 00:55:02,160
Speaker 4: the other one one. Because of my partner's salary, we

1162
00:55:02,200 --> 00:55:04,720
Speaker 4: can get a more expensive house than the average household

1163
00:55:04,719 --> 00:55:07,280
Speaker 4: in the UK. My partner will be the one putting

1164
00:55:07,320 --> 00:55:10,480
Speaker 4: the deposit down and paying the mortgage and using savings

1165
00:55:10,480 --> 00:55:12,920
Speaker 4: to build extensions to the house, while I will be

1166
00:55:12,920 --> 00:55:16,239
Speaker 4: paying for the utilities, council tax, broadband, et cetera. I

1167
00:55:16,239 --> 00:55:20,040
Speaker 4: will also be responsible for planning the entire renovation start

1168
00:55:20,080 --> 00:55:22,840
Speaker 4: to finish, as I have more experience in this, drawing

1169
00:55:22,880 --> 00:55:25,759
Speaker 4: the plans for the extension, decorating, et cetera. In the

1170
00:55:25,760 --> 00:55:28,080
Speaker 4: hopes that we can build the house into something even

1171
00:55:28,120 --> 00:55:31,280
Speaker 4: better that we will appreciate a lot. I will contribute

1172
00:55:31,320 --> 00:55:35,640
Speaker 4: to this financially where I can furniture, painting, decorating, white goods,

1173
00:55:35,680 --> 00:55:39,160
Speaker 4: et cetera. The issue has come with the mortgage. At first,

1174
00:55:39,320 --> 00:55:41,759
Speaker 4: I believed my partner was on board with doing the

1175
00:55:41,800 --> 00:55:44,560
Speaker 4: mortgage with me, as most couples do, and that he

1176
00:55:44,800 --> 00:55:47,800
Speaker 4: was receiving pressure from his family to do it alone.

1177
00:55:47,880 --> 00:55:50,480
Speaker 4: It has transpired now that we have gotten to the

1178
00:55:50,480 --> 00:55:53,319
Speaker 4: point of submitting the details, that he wants to go

1179
00:55:53,400 --> 00:55:56,560
Speaker 4: for a solo mortgage, as it is his view that

1180
00:55:56,600 --> 00:55:59,400
Speaker 4: the house is technically his due to it being his

1181
00:55:59,560 --> 00:56:02,719
Speaker 4: saving and he will be paying the mortgage payments even

1182
00:56:02,760 --> 00:56:05,239
Speaker 4: if I am paying for the things mentioned above. I

1183
00:56:05,280 --> 00:56:07,920
Speaker 4: have been happy with seeing it as his house, and

1184
00:56:08,000 --> 00:56:10,520
Speaker 4: have stated I will sign a legal document to state

1185
00:56:10,560 --> 00:56:12,799
Speaker 4: that if we split up or I pass away, my

1186
00:56:12,920 --> 00:56:15,160
Speaker 4: share in the house would go to him and he

1187
00:56:15,200 --> 00:56:18,800
Speaker 4: would reimburse me for any money I spent towards the house. However,

1188
00:56:19,120 --> 00:56:21,960
Speaker 4: my partner has now insisted that he wants to do

1189
00:56:22,000 --> 00:56:24,719
Speaker 4: it alone, and the fact that I'm insisting it to

1190
00:56:24,800 --> 00:56:27,800
Speaker 4: do insisting to do it the other way is worrying

1191
00:56:27,880 --> 00:56:30,160
Speaker 4: him that I might try to fight to be able

1192
00:56:30,160 --> 00:56:32,080
Speaker 4: to run off with the money if we split up,

1193
00:56:32,239 --> 00:56:34,680
Speaker 4: regardless of legal documents signed.

1194
00:56:34,880 --> 00:56:36,319
Speaker 7: All right, why are we doing this? O?

1195
00:56:36,360 --> 00:56:39,560
Speaker 4: Pie this ah?

1196
00:56:39,600 --> 00:56:41,040
Speaker 7: There were so many things that I.

1197
00:56:42,480 --> 00:56:45,960
Speaker 4: Start with the whole Like to me, it personally feels

1198
00:56:46,000 --> 00:56:48,799
Speaker 4: as though he has not proposed to you because he

1199
00:56:48,880 --> 00:56:50,960
Speaker 4: wants you to cave to doing the other.

1200
00:56:50,800 --> 00:56:56,480
Speaker 7: Thing first again, that that's the one thing your religious

1201
00:56:56,560 --> 00:56:59,359
Speaker 7: views to his family, But what's up with that?

1202
00:56:59,360 --> 00:57:03,080
Speaker 1: That's crazy? Eight years?

1203
00:57:03,120 --> 00:57:06,680
Speaker 4: Eight years and you have to be a friend at

1204
00:57:06,680 --> 00:57:10,280
Speaker 4: the wedding that's at your brother brother's wedding. It feels

1205
00:57:10,280 --> 00:57:13,360
Speaker 4: like a lot of the problems may stem from the

1206
00:57:13,400 --> 00:57:19,360
Speaker 4: religious beliefs. Unfortunately, you're both not willing to like respectfully

1207
00:57:19,400 --> 00:57:20,560
Speaker 4: see each other's belief.

1208
00:57:20,640 --> 00:57:21,760
Speaker 7: He wants total control.

1209
00:57:22,440 --> 00:57:26,400
Speaker 4: Yeah, but I'm hoping not. But it's sounding like.

1210
00:57:26,560 --> 00:57:28,920
Speaker 7: Top everything with the job, the family, and the man

1211
00:57:29,000 --> 00:57:29,280
Speaker 7: like that.

1212
00:57:29,360 --> 00:57:31,720
Speaker 4: Also, Yeah, separate your life a little bit more.

1213
00:57:31,800 --> 00:57:34,920
Speaker 1: Can we talk about your job or your work life everything.

1214
00:57:35,120 --> 00:57:39,000
Speaker 7: You're working literally three jobs or like a three person job,

1215
00:57:39,320 --> 00:57:41,880
Speaker 7: all on your own, and you're working extra hours getting

1216
00:57:41,920 --> 00:57:45,120
Speaker 7: no pay, and you also have a medical issue.

1217
00:57:45,280 --> 00:57:46,080
Speaker 1: Gurly Pop.

1218
00:57:46,480 --> 00:57:48,480
Speaker 7: At the end of the day, we got to do

1219
00:57:48,560 --> 00:57:52,320
Speaker 7: what's best for us or for yourself in this case,

1220
00:57:52,680 --> 00:57:53,520
Speaker 7: and none of this.

1221
00:57:53,560 --> 00:57:55,400
Speaker 4: Is doing that for you. The reason I want to

1222
00:57:55,400 --> 00:57:57,840
Speaker 4: be on the mortgage is so that at twenty eight

1223
00:57:57,960 --> 00:57:59,959
Speaker 4: I feel as though I do own a house still,

1224
00:58:00,240 --> 00:58:02,520
Speaker 4: even if I would lose it if we split up.

1225
00:58:02,640 --> 00:58:04,840
Speaker 4: I also want to feel that my partner trusts me,

1226
00:58:05,120 --> 00:58:08,320
Speaker 4: even with the legal document being there, so technically he

1227
00:58:08,440 --> 00:58:11,920
Speaker 4: doesn't need to trust me. Alongside that, it only feels

1228
00:58:11,920 --> 00:58:14,720
Speaker 4: fair to me that I get this, considering I have

1229
00:58:14,880 --> 00:58:18,800
Speaker 4: been told repeatedly that I benefit from being with my partner.

1230
00:58:18,960 --> 00:58:20,800
Speaker 4: I know people may say that we could just get

1231
00:58:20,840 --> 00:58:23,920
Speaker 4: a cheaper house and split the mortgage. However, in my

1232
00:58:24,080 --> 00:58:27,160
Speaker 4: mind this would be pointless as we work so hard

1233
00:58:27,320 --> 00:58:29,680
Speaker 4: and never spend the money, so I feel like this

1234
00:58:30,320 --> 00:58:32,919
Speaker 4: should be something we do spend it on. I also

1235
00:58:33,000 --> 00:58:35,080
Speaker 4: feel like it's important to note that if we did

1236
00:58:35,120 --> 00:58:37,480
Speaker 4: split up, I am taking a big risk, as I

1237
00:58:37,560 --> 00:58:39,760
Speaker 4: will have no home that I own, and I will

1238
00:58:39,760 --> 00:58:42,720
Speaker 4: lose my job and we'll have to start all over again.

1239
00:58:43,200 --> 00:58:44,600
Speaker 4: Whereas he won't.

1240
00:58:44,480 --> 00:58:46,840
Speaker 7: Talking about you, slash hiding you and doesn't want to

1241
00:58:46,840 --> 00:58:47,520
Speaker 7: do anything for you.

1242
00:58:47,760 --> 00:58:52,000
Speaker 4: It sounds like it's you versus an entire family, when

1243
00:58:52,360 --> 00:58:54,560
Speaker 4: this is a family that you're supposed to end up

1244
00:58:54,600 --> 00:58:57,720
Speaker 4: a part of, and like they should have been welcoming

1245
00:58:57,760 --> 00:59:00,560
Speaker 4: you into, like little by little at least ease. Yeah,

1246
00:59:00,600 --> 00:59:01,680
Speaker 4: do you think it's gonna get easier?

1247
00:59:01,920 --> 00:59:02,400
Speaker 1: Things are not.

1248
00:59:02,480 --> 00:59:04,680
Speaker 4: They're not just gonna suddenly be like, oh, yes, you

1249
00:59:04,680 --> 00:59:07,040
Speaker 4: have now done the ceremony we wanted. Come on into

1250
00:59:07,120 --> 00:59:08,480
Speaker 4: everything we've been doing.

1251
00:59:09,200 --> 00:59:13,360
Speaker 7: Yeah, I'm sorry, op right down. I would understand this

1252
00:59:13,400 --> 00:59:15,960
Speaker 7: if it was like a year. Yeah, Like that's a

1253
00:59:15,960 --> 00:59:18,520
Speaker 7: lot to comprehend. But this is eight years worth of

1254
00:59:18,600 --> 00:59:21,520
Speaker 7: like just like being disrespected and you work for them,

1255
00:59:21,640 --> 00:59:23,520
Speaker 7: you've proved that you're responsible for them.

1256
00:59:23,720 --> 00:59:29,160
Speaker 4: They're not even paying you a liver like a correct wage. Yeah,

1257
00:59:29,280 --> 00:59:31,320
Speaker 4: I guess I'm at a loss now as to what

1258
00:59:31,440 --> 00:59:34,960
Speaker 4: to do. I'm eight years into this relationship and I've

1259
00:59:35,000 --> 00:59:36,640
Speaker 4: put everything into.

1260
00:59:36,400 --> 00:59:39,440
Speaker 7: It, But has he put everything into that relationship.

1261
00:59:39,560 --> 00:59:42,640
Speaker 4: I stopped pursuing my dream job. I do get paid

1262
00:59:42,680 --> 00:59:44,640
Speaker 4: a little more here than I would in my dream job,

1263
00:59:44,680 --> 00:59:47,000
Speaker 4: but that doesn't matter too much to me. I moved

1264
00:59:47,000 --> 00:59:49,400
Speaker 4: to the city he lives in so he can remain

1265
00:59:49,440 --> 00:59:53,640
Speaker 4: close to his family. I've poured literal blood, sweat, and

1266
00:59:53,800 --> 00:59:58,200
Speaker 4: tears into his family's company. Through all of the nastiness, distrust,

1267
00:59:58,280 --> 01:00:01,760
Speaker 4: and stress, my physical and mental health have taken a

1268
01:00:01,920 --> 01:00:05,800
Speaker 4: serious toll, and I also have conditions that seriously affect

1269
01:00:05,920 --> 01:00:09,439
Speaker 4: my fertility levels. I'm concerned now that this has all

1270
01:00:09,480 --> 01:00:12,320
Speaker 4: been wasted on someone who does not trust me or

1271
01:00:12,400 --> 01:00:14,400
Speaker 4: love me as much as I do him. But I

1272
01:00:14,440 --> 01:00:16,240
Speaker 4: want to see if maybe I'm the one who is

1273
01:00:16,280 --> 01:00:19,960
Speaker 4: being unreasonable. If anyone can help me, I'd be so grateful,

1274
01:00:20,080 --> 01:00:23,480
Speaker 4: because I truly feel like giving up completely on everything

1275
01:00:24,000 --> 01:00:27,360
Speaker 4: and feel completely numb inside. We have a quick edit.

1276
01:00:27,520 --> 01:00:29,200
Speaker 4: I guess the main thing I want to know is

1277
01:00:29,320 --> 01:00:32,640
Speaker 4: whether I'm being unreasonable for asking to do a joint mortgage,

1278
01:00:32,680 --> 01:00:36,200
Speaker 4: even with having a legal document that would mean he

1279
01:00:36,480 --> 01:00:39,560
Speaker 4: is protected. Okay, we got some comments. Comment one, I

1280
01:00:39,560 --> 01:00:42,160
Speaker 4: wouldn't think that you're being unreasonable, but that's only my

1281
01:00:42,280 --> 01:00:44,920
Speaker 4: point of view. My partner earns more than I do,

1282
01:00:45,040 --> 01:00:47,480
Speaker 4: but we both put in deposits for our mortgage and

1283
01:00:47,560 --> 01:00:50,600
Speaker 4: are able to split the mortgage payment equally. We split

1284
01:00:50,640 --> 01:00:53,000
Speaker 4: a lot of bills, and then he pays more towards

1285
01:00:53,000 --> 01:00:55,600
Speaker 4: other expenses and food, et cetera. Could you not have

1286
01:00:55,640 --> 01:00:58,320
Speaker 4: a division of the mortgage et cetera in a way

1287
01:00:58,360 --> 01:01:01,720
Speaker 4: that means you'd own less but still partly yours If

1288
01:01:01,760 --> 01:01:04,400
Speaker 4: you're paying for furniture and painting and bills, et cetera.

1289
01:01:04,520 --> 01:01:08,040
Speaker 4: It is not likely. That could be very costly. And

1290
01:01:08,080 --> 01:01:10,040
Speaker 4: what do you get from all that while he pays

1291
01:01:10,080 --> 01:01:12,800
Speaker 4: the mortgage and gets equity in his house. It all

1292
01:01:12,840 --> 01:01:15,720
Speaker 4: sounds very odd to me. Look up the sunken cost

1293
01:01:15,800 --> 01:01:20,120
Speaker 4: fallacy put yourself first comment to you're focusing on the

1294
01:01:20,160 --> 01:01:23,520
Speaker 4: wrong problem with the joint mortgage, which one, no one

1295
01:01:23,520 --> 01:01:26,480
Speaker 4: should buy a house together before marriage, so he's right

1296
01:01:26,520 --> 01:01:29,880
Speaker 4: to do this alone. And two should be throwing red

1297
01:01:29,920 --> 01:01:32,320
Speaker 4: flags in your face with how this man lets his

1298
01:01:32,440 --> 01:01:36,680
Speaker 4: family influence all his decisions. But I digress. The bigger

1299
01:01:36,800 --> 01:01:39,920
Speaker 4: issue is your relationship. Please break up with this man

1300
01:01:39,960 --> 01:01:43,120
Speaker 4: who will never marry you, has been stringing you along,

1301
01:01:43,320 --> 01:01:46,720
Speaker 4: and whose family will never accept you. Don't fall prey

1302
01:01:46,880 --> 01:01:50,960
Speaker 4: to the sunk cost fallacy. Comment three renumeration you're not

1303
01:01:51,080 --> 01:01:55,120
Speaker 4: even married, so his dividends are not yours. Honestly, this

1304
01:01:55,200 --> 01:01:59,760
Speaker 4: sounds like a horrible life. Your overworked, underpaid, not valued,

1305
01:02:00,080 --> 01:02:03,000
Speaker 4: and your partner's family still keeps you hidden. What are

1306
01:02:03,000 --> 01:02:06,480
Speaker 4: the benefits to this relationship? Also, staying with him because

1307
01:02:06,520 --> 01:02:09,600
Speaker 4: of the sunk cost fallacy is not a reason you

1308
01:02:09,680 --> 01:02:14,240
Speaker 4: are so young. Imagine another eight years like this. Also,

1309
01:02:14,400 --> 01:02:17,280
Speaker 4: it's giving vibes that he'll leave you sooner rather than later,

1310
01:02:17,520 --> 01:02:20,560
Speaker 4: especially since you don't want to convert. That's the end

1311
01:02:20,640 --> 01:02:20,920
Speaker 4: of that.

1312
01:02:21,520 --> 01:02:24,120
Speaker 7: All I know is that last commentary pretty much called

1313
01:02:24,120 --> 01:02:26,240
Speaker 7: it all out yeah girl, girle pop, and we also

1314
01:02:26,280 --> 01:02:27,080
Speaker 7: said it girley pop.

1315
01:02:27,320 --> 01:02:30,360
Speaker 4: He doesn't want to marry you, get out.

1316
01:02:30,440 --> 01:02:32,040
Speaker 7: There's no point of doing this.