WEBVTT - Postpartum & Baby Proofing Your Relationship w/ Dr. Alyssa Berlin 0:00:01.600 --> 0:00:04.440 Welcome to Katie's Crib, a production of Shonda land Audio 0:00:04.519 --> 0:00:14.480 in partnership with I Heart Radio. Hello everybody, and welcome 0:00:14.480 --> 0:00:17.120 back to Katie's Crib, where we talk about the joys 0:00:17.200 --> 0:00:20.239 and the pains of motherhood and everything in between. We 0:00:20.239 --> 0:00:23.680 talked about postpart on this show, and we had an 0:00:23.680 --> 0:00:27.600 episode with Casey Wilson and this amazing therapist named Lucy 0:00:27.680 --> 0:00:30.960 rim Alour. And I just don't ever think this topic 0:00:31.320 --> 0:00:33.600 is enough. I honestly feel like I should be doing 0:00:33.760 --> 0:00:36.320 also a side gig, a side hustle of like twenty 0:00:36.360 --> 0:00:40.080 six episodes just on postpartum depression and postpartum feelings and 0:00:40.120 --> 0:00:42.840 how to emotionally prepare for it. So we are lucky 0:00:42.960 --> 0:00:46.520 enough to be sitting here with the most incredible person 0:00:47.000 --> 0:00:50.560 named Dr Elissa Berlin. She is a prenatal and postpartum 0:00:50.560 --> 0:00:53.920 clinical psychologist whoo whoop, as well as a faculty member 0:00:53.920 --> 0:00:57.200 on the Maternal Mental Health Now Training Institute. She created 0:00:57.240 --> 0:00:59.720 the after Birth Plan Workshop, which is a program that 0:00:59.760 --> 0:01:02.000 prepared as couples for what to expect after the baby 0:01:02.080 --> 0:01:04.639 is born. Why didn't I do that? I don't know. Uh. 0:01:04.640 --> 0:01:07.640 Since her and her husband, who I know and will 0:01:07.680 --> 0:01:10.360 get into that her husband is a pre natal chiropractor. 0:01:10.440 --> 0:01:15.800 They have four amazing children, yes I said four. So 0:01:15.920 --> 0:01:17.960 you are personally an expert on all of this and 0:01:18.080 --> 0:01:20.600 professionally an expert on all this we can say that. 0:01:20.959 --> 0:01:23.640 Um so today we're gonna be talking about how to 0:01:24.800 --> 0:01:29.839 emotionally prepare for postpartum and also how to baby proof 0:01:30.520 --> 0:01:35.280 your relationship. Thank you so much for being on Katie's crib. 0:01:35.680 --> 0:01:38.640 Let's talk quickly about how we know each other. First 0:01:38.640 --> 0:01:43.000 of all, Hi, Hi, how's it going, Katie. I'm so 0:01:43.080 --> 0:01:46.920 happy to see you. You're amazing. We are friends. We 0:01:47.120 --> 0:01:50.480 text and it is one of those amazing relationships where 0:01:50.520 --> 0:01:53.680 I would just wish I saw you more because I 0:01:53.720 --> 0:01:56.360 think you're such a ray and gem of human being. 0:01:56.800 --> 0:02:00.160 But I know Dr Lista Berlin because her husband. I 0:02:00.200 --> 0:02:02.560 was working on scandal Um when I was pregning with 0:02:02.600 --> 0:02:04.440 my son, so I was standing eighteen hours a day 0:02:04.480 --> 0:02:06.560 and a round. Month five six is when my low 0:02:06.600 --> 0:02:10.200 back started to really get fucked up and everyone was like, 0:02:10.240 --> 0:02:12.440 there's only one guy to see and that's Dr Berlin. 0:02:12.680 --> 0:02:17.320 And so he is a chiropractor that works on women 0:02:17.360 --> 0:02:20.079 who are pregnant, which most chiropractors I would say, don't 0:02:20.120 --> 0:02:22.600 do that. They don't, right, So it's really special that 0:02:22.680 --> 0:02:25.440 he really special. He's also a du la. He knows 0:02:25.480 --> 0:02:28.640 a lot. I'm in there getting myself adjusted. He saved 0:02:28.639 --> 0:02:31.000 my back. I didn't have back pain for one day 0:02:31.440 --> 0:02:35.040 after seeing him weakly religiously for the rest of my pregnancy. 0:02:35.120 --> 0:02:37.160 And he was like, yeah, but have you met my wife? 0:02:37.560 --> 0:02:39.240 And then I met you and I was like, who 0:02:39.280 --> 0:02:42.480 gives a ship about Dr Berlin? I mean your husband, 0:02:42.560 --> 0:02:44.919 Dr Brlin. I was like, where it's at is Dr 0:02:44.919 --> 0:02:48.080 Alyssa Berlin, Um, So tell us what you do for 0:02:48.120 --> 0:02:50.079 a living for sure? So I am, like you said, 0:02:50.120 --> 0:02:54.639 I'm a paran neatal psychologist. I work with individuals, couples, 0:02:54.680 --> 0:02:57.480 families to help them ideally prepare for the transition to 0:02:57.560 --> 0:03:00.960 postpartum and then working on the postpartum signed with whatever 0:03:01.040 --> 0:03:03.080 kind of hits the fan and whatever struggles come up 0:03:03.120 --> 0:03:07.760 along the way. My passion is definitely in prevention. So 0:03:07.880 --> 0:03:10.639 if I can get my hands on every expecting new 0:03:10.720 --> 0:03:13.920 couple before they have baby and help prepare them for 0:03:13.960 --> 0:03:18.440 what's coming next, that's my dream because to nott a 0:03:18.560 --> 0:03:21.679 thing because it's not a thing. It's not a thing. 0:03:21.880 --> 0:03:24.160 It's the hardest thing because I do these workshops all 0:03:24.160 --> 0:03:27.320 the time, and getting people to invest in prevention is 0:03:27.360 --> 0:03:29.720 so hard. And let's be honest, we still live in 0:03:29.760 --> 0:03:33.840 an area where mental health is somewhat stigmatized. So my 0:03:33.960 --> 0:03:36.840 solution is to get every O bian midwife to make 0:03:36.880 --> 0:03:39.240 twenty eight weeks and pregnancy your postpartum check in week. 0:03:39.560 --> 0:03:41.720 Like in your dream world, it would be like a 0:03:41.800 --> 0:03:45.440 twenty eight weeks you get to have some sort of 0:03:45.560 --> 0:03:49.400 mental check in or preparation workshop or something like that. Exactly, 0:03:49.480 --> 0:03:51.720 at twenty eight weeks, your doctor says, hey, go take 0:03:51.760 --> 0:03:53.960 the afterbirth plan and come back and report back to 0:03:53.960 --> 0:03:57.040 me so we can talk about it. Yeah, you think 0:03:57.080 --> 0:04:00.320 it wouldn't be that difficult and it's so necessary. Then 0:04:00.320 --> 0:04:03.080 there's no stigmas. No, why is she signaling me out? 0:04:03.120 --> 0:04:04.680 Like what is it about me that she thinks it's 0:04:04.680 --> 0:04:07.320 going to be a problem. It's like, oh, you check 0:04:07.400 --> 0:04:10.000 the position of the baby, you check blood sugar, check 0:04:10.080 --> 0:04:12.840 into postpartum, great, and then come back and report back 0:04:12.880 --> 0:04:16.720 to me. I love this, that's my passion. I love it. 0:04:16.800 --> 0:04:21.040 And this is a workshop that you have a creative 0:04:21.120 --> 0:04:25.520 you created, created it. It is all I do it 0:04:25.600 --> 0:04:29.919 worldwide via webcam. It's online, it's self pace to do 0:04:29.960 --> 0:04:32.000 at your own house. Um, I can't believe your birth 0:04:32.040 --> 0:04:33.960 for children, and you were just telling me it wasn't 0:04:33.960 --> 0:04:37.240 even an easy road for you to get pregnant. It's 0:04:37.320 --> 0:04:40.320 not like whoops a daisy the first one happened, and 0:04:40.320 --> 0:04:41.960 whoops a daisy the next you know. It wasn't like 0:04:41.960 --> 0:04:44.400 you were this fertile myrtle like popping them out every second. 0:04:44.480 --> 0:04:46.599 It was a road for you, it really was. It 0:04:46.640 --> 0:04:49.440 took us seven years and we went down that entire 0:04:49.480 --> 0:04:53.320 infertility path. Um we tried I U I I VF 0:04:53.360 --> 0:04:58.200 I mean road that path so closely didn't happen, And 0:04:58.240 --> 0:05:01.520 funny enough, at the right time when it did work, 0:05:01.600 --> 0:05:04.280 it just worked. And in between the four like they 0:05:04.320 --> 0:05:07.640 really just came wow, and did you have any postpartum 0:05:07.640 --> 0:05:11.799 depression postpartum blues? You know? So it was very interesting 0:05:11.839 --> 0:05:14.800 because we live in California, We have no family out here, 0:05:14.839 --> 0:05:17.440 all of our families back on the East Coast, and 0:05:17.640 --> 0:05:20.720 so we really were on our own. So thankfully I 0:05:20.760 --> 0:05:24.000 didn't have any postpartum depression. Definitely some blues going on, 0:05:24.440 --> 0:05:26.280 but it was after my second one was born. That 0:05:26.360 --> 0:05:28.120 I just was like, there's got to be more out there. 0:05:28.240 --> 0:05:30.120 And that's really what set me on this quest to 0:05:30.120 --> 0:05:32.680 figure out what's in the research, what's in the data, 0:05:32.800 --> 0:05:36.599 what's practically available, because there's got to be something like 0:05:36.640 --> 0:05:38.839 there's no way that we just have a baby and 0:05:38.880 --> 0:05:40.440 we just say, Okay, now you're on your own figure 0:05:40.480 --> 0:05:42.480 it out. But that is what it is. But we're 0:05:42.480 --> 0:05:44.599 not going to let that be what it is anymore. Yeah, 0:05:44.680 --> 0:05:48.920 you and me've together hand in hand. I was not prepared. 0:05:49.160 --> 0:05:51.440 I had done everything on the list. I had bought 0:05:51.480 --> 0:05:55.599 all the stuff. I had a lactation specialist book to 0:05:55.640 --> 0:06:01.039 come to the house. I had really done my workshops 0:06:01.080 --> 0:06:04.240 on a vaginal birth versus necessarian birth, like I had 0:06:04.279 --> 0:06:06.960 done all of the sort of scientific boxes you check 0:06:07.000 --> 0:06:10.320 off the list, and then had a beautiful pregnancy. I 0:06:10.320 --> 0:06:12.560 had a beautiful labor, and as soon as I got home, 0:06:12.600 --> 0:06:16.359 I lost my fucking ship. And the only thing I 0:06:16.400 --> 0:06:19.080 had done which was preventative was I had had a 0:06:19.080 --> 0:06:21.839 conversation with my husband that sounded something like, if we 0:06:21.839 --> 0:06:23.800 get to two weeks postpartum and you look at me 0:06:23.839 --> 0:06:26.440 and you don't recognize what you see or what you're hearing, 0:06:26.640 --> 0:06:28.840 please tap me on the shoulder and tell me to 0:06:28.880 --> 0:06:32.000 call my therapist because I don't know if I'm going 0:06:32.040 --> 0:06:34.840 to have the wherewithal to recognize it within myself, and 0:06:35.000 --> 0:06:37.240 you're my partner in this, and if you're feeling like 0:06:37.360 --> 0:06:38.640 I'm in a funk and I can't get out, And 0:06:38.680 --> 0:06:40.080 he tapped me on the shoulder and he was like, 0:06:40.279 --> 0:06:43.360 I'm taking notes from the night nurse because I think 0:06:43.360 --> 0:06:44.920 you're going to get on a plane and live in 0:06:44.960 --> 0:06:46.600 Europe with a false identity and I'm going to be 0:06:46.640 --> 0:06:51.320 raising our child by herself because you are, uh, not 0:06:51.560 --> 0:06:55.240 liking this. I remember breaking down, crying, saying I'm not 0:06:55.440 --> 0:07:01.880 temming any fun a lot, and um, my therapist was 0:07:01.960 --> 0:07:04.520 wonderful and we checked in and I couldn't get out 0:07:04.560 --> 0:07:06.760 of the house because I was sitting on donuts and 0:07:07.520 --> 0:07:10.080 bleeding and I was a disgusting mess. And I did 0:07:10.120 --> 0:07:13.680 phoners with her, and after a couple of sessions, at 0:07:13.680 --> 0:07:15.880 the very least, I was making fun of the whole situation, 0:07:16.040 --> 0:07:18.240 so I knew that there was comedy there and there 0:07:18.320 --> 0:07:20.600 was humor, which to me is always a way out. 0:07:21.440 --> 0:07:24.360 And it lifted and shifted around week four and six, 0:07:24.480 --> 0:07:27.040 but we've had guests on this show and close friends 0:07:27.080 --> 0:07:29.560 of mine who it did not lift, and I mean 0:07:29.600 --> 0:07:32.640 not getting into bed for six months, I mean life 0:07:32.800 --> 0:07:37.080 changing and also worse with the second. And it's interesting, 0:07:37.240 --> 0:07:40.440 and first, let's even acknowledge how insightful and intuitive you 0:07:40.480 --> 0:07:42.600 are that you even had the wherewithal to say that 0:07:42.640 --> 0:07:45.640 to Adam beforehand. Both probably don't even do that, and 0:07:45.680 --> 0:07:48.320 they really don't, because, you know, first of all, it's 0:07:48.320 --> 0:07:50.480 this thing that we put blinders on and we're just 0:07:50.520 --> 0:07:52.080 so afraid of and we just kind of want to 0:07:52.120 --> 0:07:55.920 ignore that. We just keep moving. And again that notion 0:07:56.000 --> 0:07:58.160 of there's nothing to do to prepare for postpartum. So 0:07:58.280 --> 0:08:00.720 I'm off the huck, you know, really it does. You're 0:08:00.760 --> 0:08:03.040 supposed to be happy, like you're like, this is supposed 0:08:03.040 --> 0:08:04.840 to be the greatest time in your life. You just 0:08:04.880 --> 0:08:07.200 had a baby. My best friend had a baby right 0:08:07.200 --> 0:08:09.440 before I did, and she was on her knees having 0:08:09.480 --> 0:08:11.600 a completely different experience than me. She was like, I 0:08:11.640 --> 0:08:14.040 wake up in the middle of the night crying because 0:08:14.080 --> 0:08:17.040 I'm so happy. I never felt like this, And she 0:08:17.120 --> 0:08:20.000 was like, I am so in love with my husband 0:08:20.200 --> 0:08:22.200 and I'm so in love with my baby, and I'm 0:08:22.240 --> 0:08:24.120 just scared that something bad is going to happen. Now, 0:08:24.120 --> 0:08:26.920 she was having more of an anxiety reaction where I 0:08:26.960 --> 0:08:30.280 was just crying and peeing on the floor, like I 0:08:30.320 --> 0:08:32.560 just was a disaster area. But she was having a 0:08:32.600 --> 0:08:35.120 polar different experience. And that's when I was like, holy 0:08:35.200 --> 0:08:37.280 sh it, we are not prepared for this for sure. 0:08:37.360 --> 0:08:39.400 Well and even as you say that, like the term 0:08:39.440 --> 0:08:42.560 in the field now is perry natal mood and anxiety disorders. 0:08:42.960 --> 0:08:45.760 When we talk about postpartum illnesses, that's what we're talking 0:08:45.760 --> 0:08:47.880 about now. We're not talking about just depression. We're talking 0:08:47.880 --> 0:08:52.200 about anxiety, tell me, obsessive compulsive disorder, bipolar, post traumatic 0:08:52.200 --> 0:08:57.760 stress disorder, mania, and in rare but severe cases, psychosis. 0:08:57.760 --> 0:08:59.959 So it really really runs the gamut. And the other 0:09:00.000 --> 0:09:01.439 our side of it is is that we know that 0:09:01.520 --> 0:09:04.880 can start doing pregnancy, you know, and for some women, 0:09:04.920 --> 0:09:06.440 like you said, it's going to be anxious. For some 0:09:06.559 --> 0:09:10.199 it's even going to be rageful. This just uncontrolled, bridal rage. 0:09:10.480 --> 0:09:12.760 They don't even know where it's coming from. And talk 0:09:12.800 --> 0:09:16.600 about a sham talking about this. We're talking about that 0:09:16.640 --> 0:09:21.280 it's happening. That's horrible. Oh, it makes me so upset 0:09:21.600 --> 0:09:25.319 and if I can express I felt just from going 0:09:25.320 --> 0:09:27.480 through my experience now when people have babies and I 0:09:27.520 --> 0:09:30.800 send them texts, people I know, I'm always very careful 0:09:31.679 --> 0:09:35.080 in that I don't text things which really triggered me postpartum, 0:09:35.080 --> 0:09:37.720 which was aren't you so blessed out? I used to 0:09:37.720 --> 0:09:40.160 get texts like that, and I would feel so upset 0:09:40.200 --> 0:09:44.880 that I wasn't feeling those things because exactly now, when 0:09:44.880 --> 0:09:46.840 I send text to people who have babies, I say 0:09:46.880 --> 0:09:50.400 things like, you're incredible, You're doing great, I'm here for 0:09:50.440 --> 0:09:53.400 you if you need anything. What else can you say? 0:09:53.440 --> 0:09:56.080 But that's perfect because it's a reassurance that we all need. 0:09:56.160 --> 0:09:57.959 And I want you to know a third of this 0:09:58.000 --> 0:10:00.760 workshop that I do is all of Perry neatle mood 0:10:00.760 --> 0:10:04.720 and anxiety disorders. Let's give you the education beforehand. Let's 0:10:04.760 --> 0:10:07.440 do what you did, which is really bring partners into 0:10:07.440 --> 0:10:09.720 the mix and say, hey, you're likely going to be 0:10:09.800 --> 0:10:12.119 the first one to notice that your partner is struggling. 0:10:12.200 --> 0:10:14.640 And if that happens, here's what you can say. Here's 0:10:14.679 --> 0:10:16.400 what we don't want you to say. It's no one's 0:10:16.440 --> 0:10:20.120 fault these things happen. It's also super treatable. So let's 0:10:20.120 --> 0:10:22.520 really get on top of that. Do you think people 0:10:22.640 --> 0:10:26.160 don't want to do preventative work because they're scared? Do 0:10:26.200 --> 0:10:28.400 you think there are women and partners who are like, 0:10:28.800 --> 0:10:32.280 let's not even acknowledge that it's a possibility, because if 0:10:32.280 --> 0:10:33.679 we do, then it's going to get in our head 0:10:33.679 --> 0:10:35.080 and it's going to happen for sure. It's like the 0:10:35.120 --> 0:10:36.440 same thing of I don't want to say it out 0:10:36.480 --> 0:10:38.560 loud because once I put words to it, then it's real. 0:10:39.040 --> 0:10:41.200 And what do you say to that? So what I 0:10:41.280 --> 0:10:43.440 say is is like exactly what you say. First of all, 0:10:43.520 --> 0:10:45.960 it's not catchy, and it's really quite the opposite, right 0:10:46.000 --> 0:10:51.679 that information and education is powerful. You're so right, because 0:10:52.000 --> 0:10:54.120 you are because my biggest fear in my whole life 0:10:54.120 --> 0:10:56.720 was labor. And what did I do. I looked at 0:10:56.760 --> 0:10:58.720 it square in the fucking face, and I spent ten 0:10:58.800 --> 0:11:02.240 months studying as much as I could. So, I mean, 0:11:02.240 --> 0:11:04.760 the nurses were so blown away at seaters by how 0:11:04.760 --> 0:11:07.520 many questions and answers I had to my experience, and 0:11:07.559 --> 0:11:10.000 it was fucking awesome, But it was because I was 0:11:10.040 --> 0:11:12.679 fucking prepared and I was like, I knew exactly what 0:11:12.760 --> 0:11:15.520 was happening, what I was feeling. I felt like it 0:11:15.600 --> 0:11:17.680 was all mine to be had in every way that 0:11:17.679 --> 0:11:19.559 could have been thrown my way. Like, I just felt 0:11:19.600 --> 0:11:22.280 like I was armed with knowledge for sure, for sure, 0:11:22.360 --> 0:11:24.000 And you look the bully in the face and you 0:11:24.120 --> 0:11:27.120 stared him down. Yes, that's how I felt. And that's anxiety. 0:11:27.200 --> 0:11:30.120 Anxiety tricks us into thinking we've never done this before, 0:11:30.400 --> 0:11:33.160 so we can't possibly have any resources or tools to 0:11:33.200 --> 0:11:36.439 bring to the table. It's not true, not because even 0:11:36.480 --> 0:11:38.240 if you've never had a baby before, you've been in 0:11:38.280 --> 0:11:42.439 situations that have been trying and challenging physically or emotionally, 0:11:42.800 --> 0:11:44.800 and whatever work then is going to work here too. 0:11:45.440 --> 0:11:47.079 And so we don't want to come in thinking we've 0:11:47.120 --> 0:11:48.920 got nothing at our disposal. We've got a ton of 0:11:48.920 --> 0:11:51.280 stuff at our disposal. We just need to know when 0:11:51.280 --> 0:11:54.199 to remember to bring it into this context for sure. 0:11:54.360 --> 0:11:56.600 That's and go you, by the way, because I was awesome. 0:11:56.720 --> 0:11:59.480 That's so great to know that this, this preventative work, 0:11:59.480 --> 0:12:03.000 I feel like, is a real a real game changer, 0:12:03.000 --> 0:12:05.559 and a real thing that is not out there. Um, 0:12:05.720 --> 0:12:08.920 you also said it staggering statistic to me, which was 0:12:09.160 --> 0:12:13.720 how many women feel some sort of blues situation after 0:12:13.840 --> 0:12:17.400 a baby. So upward of eighty percent of women experience 0:12:17.480 --> 0:12:22.920 the blues, guys, So it's not even it's normal. Anything 0:12:22.920 --> 0:12:26.040 that eight percent of a population is experiencing, in my book, 0:12:26.080 --> 0:12:29.120 is completely normal. And it's what we now understand is 0:12:29.160 --> 0:12:31.520 it's part of this collaboration that happens after you have 0:12:31.600 --> 0:12:34.360 a baby. Your hormones were at these crazy all time 0:12:34.400 --> 0:12:37.360 highs and they come low, they plumb it really quickly, 0:12:38.040 --> 0:12:40.040 and your body and your brain just needs time to 0:12:40.120 --> 0:12:43.680 again just to readjust to that. Part of the experience 0:12:43.760 --> 0:12:46.640 is going to be feeling out of sorts, crying for 0:12:46.640 --> 0:12:50.080 no reason, not feeling like yourself, not feeling grounded in 0:12:50.120 --> 0:12:52.200 this new experience. And one of the things that we 0:12:52.240 --> 0:12:54.040 hear women, or that I hear women talk about all 0:12:54.080 --> 0:12:57.800 the time, is just feeling overwhelmed. You're recovering not just 0:12:57.960 --> 0:13:00.920 from birth, but from pregnancy, and then someone throws you 0:13:00.920 --> 0:13:02.320 a baby and says, here, now take care of this 0:13:02.880 --> 0:13:07.800 seven Oh my god, you guys, it's a lot. And 0:13:07.800 --> 0:13:09.600 then they're like, guess what at three months you go 0:13:09.679 --> 0:13:12.640 back to work or less or never, which is also 0:13:12.720 --> 0:13:15.000 another question. I mean, there's just a lot of identity 0:13:15.040 --> 0:13:17.640 shifts happening at one time while you're dealing with hormones. 0:13:17.880 --> 0:13:19.959 Whether you decide to breastfeed or not, that's a whole 0:13:20.000 --> 0:13:23.240 hormonal leap when you stop, when you start, you know, 0:13:23.360 --> 0:13:26.000 all of these things. Um, one more statistic to throw 0:13:26.040 --> 0:13:28.400 into the myth LEAs that's two thirds of couples experience 0:13:28.400 --> 0:13:33.280 it's a client in their relationship satisfaction after having a baby. Yeah, 0:13:33.480 --> 0:13:39.440 I mean, all of a sudden, there's another thing, like, 0:13:39.720 --> 0:13:42.120 you know, you're used to being in a relationship. If 0:13:42.160 --> 0:13:45.280 you are in one, that it's just you and that person, 0:13:45.520 --> 0:13:48.840 and that's the priorities and whatever. So let's segue into that. 0:13:49.000 --> 0:13:51.760 How in the hell should I have baby proof my 0:13:52.440 --> 0:13:54.720 I love this? Is this your terminology to baby proof 0:13:54.760 --> 0:13:57.640 the relationship baby or? Is that a thing? Right? It's 0:13:57.679 --> 0:13:59.199 like out there and like the pop culture and the 0:13:59.240 --> 0:14:02.160 pop world, all this love baby proving. Yeah. I went 0:14:02.240 --> 0:14:05.439 with the afterbirth plan figuring Again, everyone's focuses on creating 0:14:05.440 --> 0:14:08.559 a birth plan, but who really thinks of an afterbirth plan? No? Oh, 0:14:08.640 --> 0:14:12.720 so it really is about people making a actual plan. Really, 0:14:13.440 --> 0:14:16.720 like people who are listening who had a birth plann 0:14:16.760 --> 0:14:18.920 er didn't just to clarify like a birth plan would 0:14:18.960 --> 0:14:22.560 be like it would be lovely to not have an epidural, 0:14:22.680 --> 0:14:26.320 or have an epidural, or they literally list cut the cord, 0:14:26.440 --> 0:14:29.480 not cut the cord after this amount of time, or 0:14:29.600 --> 0:14:31.760 have this person in the room, not have this person 0:14:31.800 --> 0:14:34.120 in the room. They kind of write down although now 0:14:34.200 --> 0:14:36.760 the term more is birth goals, so that we don't 0:14:36.760 --> 0:14:38.640 get so connected to the plan, I might have to 0:14:38.720 --> 0:14:40.760 change that plan right now exactly. So maybe it has 0:14:40.760 --> 0:14:43.000 to be the afterbirth goals, you know, maybe we have 0:14:43.040 --> 0:14:44.800 to kind of go with that. They after birth plan. 0:14:44.920 --> 0:14:46.720 I think it's great. Hey, if you like it, I 0:14:46.760 --> 0:14:50.800 think it's great. What would be the examples of, um, 0:14:50.920 --> 0:14:53.160 what people would put in an afterbirth plan? So that's 0:14:53.160 --> 0:14:56.120 a great question, right, So I'm even going to take 0:14:56.160 --> 0:14:58.680 a step back first because when I think about relationships, 0:14:58.680 --> 0:15:01.160 I think about walking up and down. Ask later, because 0:15:01.200 --> 0:15:04.320 I use that escalator analogy to kind of highlight what 0:15:04.360 --> 0:15:06.320 are the things we want to put in that afterbirth plan. 0:15:06.880 --> 0:15:09.400 So let's stick with that, right, Relationships are like walking 0:15:09.480 --> 0:15:11.720 up a down escalator. What does that mean? You put 0:15:11.720 --> 0:15:13.480 in a little bit of effort, you'll make some headway, 0:15:13.880 --> 0:15:16.240 put in a more effort, you'll make more headway. The 0:15:16.320 --> 0:15:19.920 second you stop actively climbing, that escalator is just naturally 0:15:19.920 --> 0:15:25.680 going to bring you down. Yeah, and that's relationships, right. 0:15:25.760 --> 0:15:27.640 Think about it. Put a little bit of effort into 0:15:27.640 --> 0:15:31.440 your relationship, you'll be closer. More effort, you'll be even closer. 0:15:31.480 --> 0:15:35.600 But the second you stop actually mindfully investing in that relationship, 0:15:36.120 --> 0:15:39.200 the stress of life, the responsibility of life, just naturally 0:15:39.200 --> 0:15:43.440 brings you down and farther apart. Having a baby speeds 0:15:43.480 --> 0:15:46.480 up that escalator and it requires us to double our 0:15:46.560 --> 0:15:51.440 efforts to stay connected. So part of that escalator is 0:15:51.520 --> 0:15:53.360 what are the things that pull us apart and pull 0:15:53.440 --> 0:15:56.880 us down? Incidentally, I'm totally with you because ground zero 0:15:56.920 --> 0:16:00.560 for me is forgetting to have fun. Hello, I feel 0:16:00.560 --> 0:16:03.120 like that's got to be most women, right. Okay, Well, 0:16:03.120 --> 0:16:05.080 and let me tell you, Like our oldest came home 0:16:05.400 --> 0:16:08.720 or almost came home in a towel, right because we 0:16:08.760 --> 0:16:10.800 didn't do a lot of preps before, Like in our culture, 0:16:10.800 --> 0:16:13.240 you don't really do much before. So after we had 0:16:13.280 --> 0:16:15.480 the baby, Elliott went to you know the toys r 0:16:15.560 --> 0:16:18.479 Us Babies are us and got the stuff on our registry. 0:16:18.640 --> 0:16:20.120 He comes home with this or he came to the 0:16:20.160 --> 0:16:21.800 hospital with this thing, and we're sitting there trying to 0:16:21.800 --> 0:16:23.800 swaddle the baby, and these nurses are like laughing at 0:16:23.840 --> 0:16:26.040 us on the side and they're like, idiots, it's a towel. 0:16:27.120 --> 0:16:30.680 That's why you can't swaddle your baby. Yeah, towel does 0:16:30.720 --> 0:16:33.720 not make a good swaddle, not at all. That's hilarious. 0:16:33.760 --> 0:16:35.440 But again, here was one of those moments where we 0:16:35.480 --> 0:16:37.160 either could have looked at each other with daggers of 0:16:37.240 --> 0:16:38.760 like I can't believe you brought a towel to our 0:16:38.800 --> 0:16:40.720 first baby, you know, or we could have been like 0:16:41.240 --> 0:16:45.520 it's hilarious. And this story not only that, like when 0:16:45.560 --> 0:16:48.000 we quilted out his baby clothing. Let me tell you 0:16:48.080 --> 0:16:51.000 that's howel is Friends and Center. That was our start 0:16:51.000 --> 0:16:56.200 of parents. I love it. So after birth plan, tell 0:16:56.240 --> 0:16:59.080 me what would be on people's list? Is it like 0:16:59.160 --> 0:17:04.199 appointments for therapy? Like that was mine. So that was 0:17:04.240 --> 0:17:06.360 the only plan I had, And that's a great plan. 0:17:06.520 --> 0:17:09.000 And definitely again use those resources that you have and 0:17:09.040 --> 0:17:11.520 if you have a therapist in place, already have them 0:17:11.520 --> 0:17:15.119 on special right. But so I start with first and 0:17:15.200 --> 0:17:17.000 foremost things that you need to do to charge your 0:17:17.000 --> 0:17:20.359 batteries and for me charging your batteries quote unquote is 0:17:20.440 --> 0:17:23.240 charging you know, the birthing partner, the non birthing partner, 0:17:23.280 --> 0:17:26.000 the couple, and the family. So there are four entities 0:17:26.040 --> 0:17:29.280 every week that need nurturing and attention. It's not a 0:17:29.280 --> 0:17:33.360 guilty pleasure. It's a necessity, right. And it's funny because 0:17:33.440 --> 0:17:35.479 I was listening to a different Katie's Crew where they 0:17:35.480 --> 0:17:38.960 talk about the analogy of the airplane mask, getting on 0:17:39.000 --> 0:17:40.879 your air mask on use it all the time. I 0:17:41.000 --> 0:17:45.040 think about it in my head all the time. I'm 0:17:45.040 --> 0:17:47.199 like literally playing with my kid and I'm like, I 0:17:47.359 --> 0:17:51.280 have to pee or whatever it is. But I'm just like, no, 0:17:51.560 --> 0:17:54.399 I have to happen. And now it's become the thing 0:17:54.400 --> 0:17:56.199 where it's like even if I have to go to 0:17:56.240 --> 0:17:58.520 the bathroom, you know, really go to the bathroom. I 0:17:58.640 --> 0:18:01.840 say to him, I have to have private time, like 0:18:02.000 --> 0:18:04.560 I'm sorry, Like you're too. I have been sitting here 0:18:04.960 --> 0:18:07.879 for two hours uncomfortably like playing with you because I 0:18:07.920 --> 0:18:09.359 didn't see you it all this morning, and I feel 0:18:09.400 --> 0:18:10.720 bad about that. So I'm going to get in my 0:18:10.800 --> 0:18:12.680 quality two hours arown and I'm not going to leave 0:18:12.760 --> 0:18:16.600 ten minutes to like go to the bathroom when I'm 0:18:16.640 --> 0:18:18.800 probably going to be better at mommy ing if I 0:18:18.840 --> 0:18:20.160 just take the ten minutes and go to the bath 0:18:20.240 --> 0:18:22.320 And that's exactly it. Although Elliott always joked with me, 0:18:22.400 --> 0:18:24.520 He's like, you may have taught our kids the word privacy, 0:18:24.600 --> 0:18:26.919 you haven't taught them the concept. And I'm like, not 0:18:27.040 --> 0:18:30.240 my choice. Hello, if you're home, I'll go by myself. 0:18:31.760 --> 0:18:34.480 So it's self care. So that first thing is self 0:18:34.520 --> 0:18:36.680 re charged. And again I'll use the analogy or I'll 0:18:36.720 --> 0:18:39.240 come at it from the perspective of I would never 0:18:39.240 --> 0:18:41.440 set my four kids down at the table and say, hey, guys, 0:18:41.440 --> 0:18:43.280 I see that you're all hungry, but I'm hungry too, 0:18:43.280 --> 0:18:45.320 so I'm going to feed myself first and then you guys, right, 0:18:45.359 --> 0:18:48.320 that's okay. It's like, no, you'd be shot shot. But 0:18:48.400 --> 0:18:51.240 that happening again that notion of maybe it should be 0:18:51.280 --> 0:18:54.159 that way, because if I'm starving, like you said, what 0:18:54.280 --> 0:18:56.560 kind of experiences then are going to be You're going 0:18:56.600 --> 0:19:02.119 to be the hangryest bit like terrible. There's nothing worse 0:19:02.160 --> 0:19:06.159 than mommying when you're starving, and that's it. So it 0:19:06.200 --> 0:19:08.080 has to start with self care because you can't give 0:19:08.080 --> 0:19:10.520 what you don't have period, your batteries are drained, you 0:19:10.520 --> 0:19:12.800 get nothing to get and again grab a snack bar 0:19:12.840 --> 0:19:15.239 and then go into dinner. It's a game changer, you know, 0:19:16.359 --> 0:19:20.480 or a chocolate bar. If sure, sure so starts with 0:19:20.520 --> 0:19:23.240 self care, then I'm a big proponent. Right. The things 0:19:23.240 --> 0:19:26.000 on that escalator that bring you together are daily time 0:19:26.040 --> 0:19:28.920 to talk, date moments, not date nights. I think date 0:19:29.000 --> 0:19:31.520 nights stock after having a baby, because anything that competes 0:19:31.560 --> 0:19:37.000 with sleep doomed to fail. Date moments, daytime dates, sex huge. 0:19:37.119 --> 0:19:39.320 It's got to be there, and we wanted there on 0:19:39.320 --> 0:19:41.359 a weekly basis. And then yes, and then there are 0:19:41.440 --> 0:19:45.040 very practical things in terms of who is your lactation consultant, 0:19:45.240 --> 0:19:47.879