WEBVTT - THE LONE COSPLAYER 0:00:00.040 --> 0:00:02.160 Hello, Hi, do you hear me? Hi? 0:00:02.400 --> 0:00:03.040 What's your name? 0:00:03.200 --> 0:00:03.960 My name is Matt. 0:00:04.400 --> 0:00:08.520 Matt. When I was a young child's I was I 0:00:08.560 --> 0:00:12.840 went to the j c C, the Jewish Community Center 0:00:13.680 --> 0:00:17.200 day camp, or maybe I was in kindergarten or something, 0:00:17.600 --> 0:00:19.200 and there was a guy who used to work there. 0:00:19.200 --> 0:00:22.600 His name was mister Matt, and he had a hook 0:00:23.560 --> 0:00:25.560 for a hand. He didn't have a hand, he had 0:00:25.560 --> 0:00:30.200 a hook, and he was a cool guy. I don't 0:00:30.200 --> 0:00:33.360 think I was a little intimidated by him when I 0:00:33.400 --> 0:00:38.120 was a child, because that's just the nature of that. Yeah, 0:00:38.159 --> 0:00:39.959 I was a little intimidated by him, But now I'm like, oh, 0:00:39.960 --> 0:00:44.000 what a guy to you know, really serve in his community, 0:00:44.800 --> 0:00:45.440 you know what I mean? 0:00:45.800 --> 0:00:46.199 I don't know. 0:00:46.320 --> 0:00:49.320 Yeah, he's a good guy. He might know he's alive. 0:00:49.440 --> 0:00:53.400 But what's your name, Matt? 0:00:54.360 --> 0:00:57.360 My name is Matt. Yeah, No, it's good. You can 0:00:57.360 --> 0:01:00.440 call me. You can call me Matt or or I 0:01:00.440 --> 0:01:01.720 can go by eighties. 0:01:02.960 --> 0:01:05.920 Like Matt is more pronounceable to me than what you 0:01:05.959 --> 0:01:09.520 just said. But Matt, enough, yeah, and enough about all 0:01:09.520 --> 0:01:12.440 this fucking bullshit. What's up, man? How's how's life? Would 0:01:12.560 --> 0:01:13.800 would you want to talk about today? 0:01:14.120 --> 0:01:16.160 I've been I've been trying to talk to you for ages. 0:01:16.200 --> 0:01:19.119 I've been listening for a long time. I actually I've 0:01:19.160 --> 0:01:21.680 been listening to all the Spotify podcast and I actually 0:01:22.040 --> 0:01:25.200 joined the super Cast like maybe a month ago. Yeah, 0:01:25.240 --> 0:01:28.399 of course, of course, No, I love your content. No, 0:01:28.800 --> 0:01:31.120 I've been trying to call for a long time because like, 0:01:31.200 --> 0:01:34.600 the past two months of my life have been a 0:01:34.640 --> 0:01:39.320 little chaotic, a little uh, a little eventful, more or less. 0:01:39.680 --> 0:01:41.640 I was in a relationship for a really long time 0:01:41.880 --> 0:01:44.680 or not not a really long time, like basically up 0:01:44.720 --> 0:01:48.080 to a little a little less than two years, and 0:01:50.080 --> 0:01:54.600 it ended a little catastrophically where I have a BPD, 0:01:54.960 --> 0:01:58.520 so that's like borderline personality disorder. So it's really hard 0:01:58.520 --> 0:02:00.120 for me to uh, it's really hard for me to 0:02:00.200 --> 0:02:02.880 accept that other people like me and other people want 0:02:02.920 --> 0:02:04.440 to be around me and all that kind of stuff. 0:02:04.840 --> 0:02:09.320 So it made being friends with my exist friends really tough, 0:02:09.560 --> 0:02:11.360 or at least it made it really tough for me 0:02:11.440 --> 0:02:14.320 to see that they liked me in the time that 0:02:14.320 --> 0:02:18.640 we were in a relationship, and it ended a little 0:02:18.639 --> 0:02:21.600 catastrophically where I held a lie from them for a 0:02:21.639 --> 0:02:25.680 really long time and once once I told them about 0:02:25.720 --> 0:02:30.639 that lie during like a mental health episode. They broke 0:02:30.720 --> 0:02:34.079 up with me for good reason, frankly, and then they 0:02:34.120 --> 0:02:37.320 reached out to me and asked to try again, and 0:02:37.360 --> 0:02:38.840 I was like, yeah, I'm okay, we can do that. 0:02:39.360 --> 0:02:44.480 And when that happened, we both agreed that we would 0:02:45.280 --> 0:02:48.480 not see or date other people in the meantime. And 0:02:48.520 --> 0:02:52.560 then their best friend told me that, or the best 0:02:52.560 --> 0:02:57.919 friend at the time told me that they actually did 0:02:58.000 --> 0:03:00.200 go on a date with one of our friends and 0:03:00.400 --> 0:03:04.240 did quote unquote something. So that was a little that 0:03:04.320 --> 0:03:06.440 was a little a bit of a backstab, and it 0:03:06.440 --> 0:03:09.480 made the whole BPD part of the life way more 0:03:09.520 --> 0:03:11.480 difficult to push through because it made me feel like 0:03:11.520 --> 0:03:14.640 I validated all the facts that the people around me 0:03:14.720 --> 0:03:17.160 at that time did not did not enjoy my presence 0:03:17.200 --> 0:03:21.320 all that much. Also, work is a little strange. I 0:03:21.360 --> 0:03:24.480 work at this it's it's a small company, but it's 0:03:24.520 --> 0:03:27.119 going to be maybe larger down the road. But I work. 0:03:27.200 --> 0:03:29.519 I work at like an escape room place, and I 0:03:29.880 --> 0:03:32.360 fixed the escape rooms. They're kind of like automated escape 0:03:32.400 --> 0:03:38.440 rooms where just a bunch of drunk drunk children, No 0:03:38.640 --> 0:03:43.600 not children, drunk drunk adults and kids just like break 0:03:43.640 --> 0:03:47.280 shit in random fucking ways, and it's it's pretty miserable, 0:03:47.320 --> 0:03:48.960 but you get to see some pretty fun stuff at 0:03:48.960 --> 0:03:49.560 times too. 0:03:50.200 --> 0:03:57.480 America's Escape room engineers are some of its most unsung heroes. 0:03:58.320 --> 0:04:00.240 Yeah, of course, of course. Yeah, we really are on 0:04:00.240 --> 0:04:04.480 the front line. We're we're like, we're like uh ups 0:04:04.480 --> 0:04:07.880 delivery guys during COVID. Obviously we're we're on the same tire. 0:04:08.240 --> 0:04:10.720 Definitely, definitely add or above that level. 0:04:11.520 --> 0:04:15.240 Yeah, now, one hundred percent. I think the thing that 0:04:15.320 --> 0:04:17.560 I've wanted to talk about the most, because you got 0:04:17.560 --> 0:04:25.360 a lot of experience in this, is traveling alone. Sure, sure, 0:04:25.400 --> 0:04:29.279 because uh, I've I've my my friend group at home 0:04:29.320 --> 0:04:31.760 is a little strange. The ones who are extroverted don't 0:04:31.800 --> 0:04:33.960 really like the nerd things all that much, like going 0:04:34.000 --> 0:04:39.159 to like conventions or just conventions, I think is probably 0:04:39.160 --> 0:04:42.880 the best example. And then all of my introverted friends 0:04:42.960 --> 0:04:45.120 don't really want to go out to conventions because of 0:04:45.160 --> 0:04:47.680 the whole like overwhelming social aspect and all that kind 0:04:47.760 --> 0:04:51.680 of stuff. So it makes me really scared to uh 0:04:52.080 --> 0:04:56.080 start the initiative to go out into the into the 0:04:56.120 --> 0:04:59.200 world and like visit places alone and try to meet people, 0:04:59.200 --> 0:05:01.680 because it feels like, uh, it feels like you receive 0:05:01.720 --> 0:05:03.680 a lot of judgment for doing things alone. 0:05:05.720 --> 0:05:09.280 Well, Matt, you I I appreciate all the lore that 0:05:09.320 --> 0:05:11.320 you just dropped on yourself. I feel like I got 0:05:11.360 --> 0:05:14.000 I feel like I very concisely just learned a lot 0:05:14.040 --> 0:05:18.280 about you in a short period of time. Yeah, no, 0:05:18.800 --> 0:05:21.279 don't you No, No, no either, But I hope that 0:05:21.279 --> 0:05:26.320 didn't come off passive aggressive ily No, do you have 0:05:26.320 --> 0:05:31.480 nothing to be sorry for? Wow? Okay, hmmm, how old 0:05:31.480 --> 0:05:32.520 are you, Matt? 0:05:32.839 --> 0:05:34.960 I'm twenty two. I'm gonna be twenty three next month. 0:05:35.160 --> 0:05:37.760 All right, cool man. Well, would you just graduate school 0:05:37.839 --> 0:05:39.120 or you've been just working? 0:05:39.279 --> 0:05:42.680 Yeah? I graduated a little while ago, graduated last year. 0:05:42.760 --> 0:05:45.800 I'm actually hanging out with my with one of my 0:05:45.839 --> 0:05:50.120 old roommates from college, uh, sort of sort of Athena, 0:05:50.960 --> 0:05:53.160 and I've been showing I've been showing them a couple 0:05:53.200 --> 0:05:55.480 of your clips because I just liked the content. 0:05:56.000 --> 0:05:59.279 So I actually, well, yeah, you dropped a lot of lore. 0:05:59.440 --> 0:06:01.800 I I I'm super down to talk about. I have 0:06:01.839 --> 0:06:06.159 a lot of thoughts about your particular situation about uh 0:06:06.680 --> 0:06:09.719 wanting to do stuff alone. But do you I do 0:06:09.760 --> 0:06:13.880 you see a real therapist to talk about BPD stuff. 0:06:14.640 --> 0:06:15.440 Yeah, yeah, I do. 0:06:15.920 --> 0:06:18.240 What do they how what do they have to say 0:06:18.240 --> 0:06:18.480 to you? 0:06:18.520 --> 0:06:18.599 Like? 0:06:18.839 --> 0:06:19.880 How do they help you with that? 0:06:20.720 --> 0:06:24.839 It's really it's kind of tough. I think the way 0:06:24.880 --> 0:06:26.880 that they really helped me with it is it is 0:06:27.000 --> 0:06:29.760 clearly seems like they're they're excited to talk to me 0:06:29.800 --> 0:06:32.479 as a patient. Like it seems like whenever I show 0:06:32.560 --> 0:06:35.200 up in order to talk to him on the days 0:06:35.240 --> 0:06:38.480 that they're like excited to hear more about my life, 0:06:38.839 --> 0:06:42.160 which that alone is enough to help me at times, 0:06:43.360 --> 0:06:48.320 But when it comes to what they tell me, it's 0:06:48.360 --> 0:06:52.560 a lot of you need to learn how to appreciate 0:06:52.600 --> 0:06:56.640 yourself before you go out to appreciate other people, which 0:06:56.680 --> 0:06:58.920 is really tough because I've tried to do that time 0:06:58.960 --> 0:07:01.600 and time again, and every single time I end up 0:07:02.600 --> 0:07:05.760 more relying on other people for that affection rather than 0:07:06.080 --> 0:07:07.719 trying to get it out on my own, which is 0:07:07.720 --> 0:07:09.760 why I kind of want to solo travel. But the 0:07:09.840 --> 0:07:16.840 same exact thing, Yeah. 0:07:15.240 --> 0:07:17.160 I like, I love I see we're get see. I 0:07:17.240 --> 0:07:19.000 like this because you brought up a bunch of stuff 0:07:19.040 --> 0:07:21.000 and then you're like, I really want to talk about that. 0:07:21.000 --> 0:07:22.840 I want to talk about the solo travel thing, but 0:07:22.880 --> 0:07:24.720 then we talk about the other stuff and we find 0:07:24.760 --> 0:07:25.640 it all. 0:07:27.440 --> 0:07:28.400 All kind of clicks together. 0:07:28.560 --> 0:07:33.640 Clicks together, right, that's cool. Okay, So you're you're kind 0:07:33.640 --> 0:07:37.680 of on a mission to you said that the BPD, 0:07:37.960 --> 0:07:40.920 and I'm as I think I've made clear, I'm not 0:07:40.960 --> 0:07:43.200 a real therapist and have no I don't know anything 0:07:43.200 --> 0:07:47.320 about psychology, but like, so BPD is something and that 0:07:47.320 --> 0:07:54.360 that is preventing you from like accepting that you have 0:07:54.600 --> 0:07:57.200 like value that other people can find with that that 0:07:57.240 --> 0:07:58.880 other people can find value within you. 0:07:59.200 --> 0:08:02.480 Is that? Yeah, you know how people like dismiss compliments 0:08:03.280 --> 0:08:05.560 sometimes when you give them compliments and stuff. It's like 0:08:05.600 --> 0:08:08.640 that that is like a very core mechanic to my lifestyle. 0:08:08.720 --> 0:08:10.920 Is if someone I have like an half ro for instance, 0:08:11.560 --> 0:08:14.160 and a lot of people will be like, oh yeah, 0:08:14.160 --> 0:08:15.920 I love your hair, and I'm like thanks. It kind 0:08:15.920 --> 0:08:17.840 of just does its own thing. I don't really do 0:08:17.960 --> 0:08:21.920 much to maintain it or anything. But at the same time, 0:08:21.960 --> 0:08:24.280 I still do need to accept that people do appreciate 0:08:24.320 --> 0:08:25.040 that part about me. 0:08:25.560 --> 0:08:28.880 Yeah. Yeah, Is that a problem you've had forever or 0:08:28.960 --> 0:08:30.160 is it something you like developed. 0:08:31.280 --> 0:08:34.680 I definitely had it for a very long time in 0:08:34.720 --> 0:08:37.600 my life, like when my parents used to try to 0:08:37.600 --> 0:08:40.680 give me affection, like just say that they love me 0:08:40.720 --> 0:08:43.080 and all that kind of stuff. I would say in 0:08:43.120 --> 0:08:46.120 my mind or either eventually to them as I got older, 0:08:46.840 --> 0:08:52.439 that my parents only say and try to love me 0:08:52.559 --> 0:08:54.240 because they are my parents. 0:08:55.559 --> 0:09:01.439 That's by the you know what's funny is a I A. 0:09:01.679 --> 0:09:05.520 That's I mean you by by the fact that you're 0:09:05.559 --> 0:09:07.360 self aware of what's going on with you. I think 0:09:07.400 --> 0:09:09.240 you logically know that to be true. But be even 0:09:09.280 --> 0:09:11.280 if it was true, that's not a bad reason. 0:09:11.360 --> 0:09:14.800 Actually, yeah, I know it's not a it's not a 0:09:14.800 --> 0:09:20.160 bad reason, but like you know, it's a I also artificial. 0:09:20.480 --> 0:09:25.160 Well it's it's also I'll actually say this and I'm 0:09:25.280 --> 0:09:28.720 hold on, I'm I'm I were veering off track of 0:09:28.800 --> 0:09:30.880 I mean, that's all directionally whole. I take back what 0:09:30.920 --> 0:09:32.679 I just said. There's no track at all. It's all 0:09:32.760 --> 0:09:36.320 one thing. But I mean, your parents don't totally don't 0:09:36.440 --> 0:09:40.600 have to love you at all. So that's yeah, that's. 0:09:40.440 --> 0:09:42.160 What I've learned from the show for sure, is that 0:09:42.240 --> 0:09:44.440 I YEA, that's what I b that's that's what I 0:09:44.600 --> 0:09:46.959 make me. I get have parents that make me a 0:09:47.040 --> 0:09:48.679 drug dealer at seventeen years old. 0:09:48.679 --> 0:09:50.480 Right right, Bro, That's what I was on the phone 0:09:50.480 --> 0:09:52.440 with my mom today and I was just going off 0:09:52.440 --> 0:09:55.319 on her about like, uh, I was just so grateful 0:09:55.360 --> 0:09:58.480 that she, uh, you know, loved me and gave me 0:09:58.679 --> 0:10:02.480 the foundation for my life. It's five all. I've also really, 0:10:02.520 --> 0:10:05.120 I feel like, learned that from doing this show. So 0:10:06.000 --> 0:10:08.000 you know, it's not a given necessarily that your parents 0:10:10.200 --> 0:10:12.880 love you. So I don't. I I mean, we could 0:10:12.880 --> 0:10:17.479 get into the whole thing of that not being artificial, 0:10:17.960 --> 0:10:19.720 but one, yeah, I don't. I don't think that's started 0:10:19.720 --> 0:10:21.120 off for show at all because it's just it's not 0:10:21.160 --> 0:10:25.839 a given as as you know. But what else does 0:10:25.880 --> 0:10:31.920 your therapist tell you about, like the actual logistical process 0:10:32.000 --> 0:10:33.840 of building up your self esteem? 0:10:35.080 --> 0:10:37.920 Oh? Man, I don't know if they really have given 0:10:37.960 --> 0:10:42.280 me much about that, Like they say to just like 0:10:42.360 --> 0:10:44.600 go out and do the things that that I appreciate 0:10:44.640 --> 0:10:48.360 the most, Like I I like to make neon signs 0:10:48.480 --> 0:10:50.760 or not neon signs. I like to make LED signs, 0:10:52.280 --> 0:10:55.839 which I like. I have a I've had a radio 0:10:55.880 --> 0:10:58.200 station or not radio station radio show for a little while, 0:10:58.240 --> 0:11:01.120 and I'm making an LED sign of my radio show 0:11:01.160 --> 0:11:04.160 logo or my old radio show logo. And then I 0:11:04.200 --> 0:11:06.400 also have been making like these little hexagon lights. You 0:11:06.440 --> 0:11:08.400 know how people have like those hexagon lights that they 0:11:08.760 --> 0:11:09.760 hook up on their walls. 0:11:09.880 --> 0:11:11.920 I have a perfect picture of what you're talking about. 0:11:11.960 --> 0:11:14.800 Yes, yeah, I I I have a three D printer, 0:11:14.840 --> 0:11:16.480 and I three D print my own and I make 0:11:16.520 --> 0:11:17.679 them using LED strips. 0:11:18.080 --> 0:11:18.400 Cool. 0:11:19.440 --> 0:11:22.839 And one thing, one thing I've been considering doing as 0:11:22.880 --> 0:11:26.800 the whole solo traveling stuff is using the three D 0:11:26.840 --> 0:11:30.000 printer to make those LED signs and then selling them 0:11:30.040 --> 0:11:31.040 at conventions. 0:11:31.480 --> 0:11:33.280 That's so cool. I love that idea. 0:11:34.120 --> 0:11:36.040 But it sounds like a lot of effort, sounds like 0:11:36.080 --> 0:11:40.200 a lot of dedication and money, and I'm afraid. I'm 0:11:40.200 --> 0:11:43.080 really afraid to fail. I feel like it feels like 0:11:43.080 --> 0:11:45.960 a waste of my time or like a waste of effort. 0:11:46.640 --> 0:11:49.120 Hm hm hm. 0:11:50.080 --> 0:11:50.280 Wow. 0:11:50.320 --> 0:11:52.200 There there's so much I want to talk to you about. 0:11:52.480 --> 0:11:55.160 I will, I will, we will, we will get into 0:11:55.200 --> 0:11:58.280 the solo traveling part of this, but. 0:11:59.120 --> 0:12:00.200 It takes your time. Do you thing? 0:12:00.440 --> 0:12:04.360 What was I going to say? Interesting? Why do you think? 0:12:04.559 --> 0:12:07.439 I mean, I know, why do you think you have 0:12:07.559 --> 0:12:13.480 low self esteem? 0:12:13.600 --> 0:12:15.440 I feel like I don't really have much of a 0:12:15.559 --> 0:12:19.880 character that uh that defines myself as as something in particular, 0:12:19.920 --> 0:12:22.120 you know how, you know how it feels like. It 0:12:22.120 --> 0:12:23.680 feels like a lot of people in the world have 0:12:23.880 --> 0:12:26.520 like that thing that they're good at or that thing 0:12:26.600 --> 0:12:28.680 that they do that makes them like who they are. 0:12:28.800 --> 0:12:29.840 Like you, I don't want to. 0:12:31.320 --> 0:12:33.040 Hexagon lights. 0:12:34.160 --> 0:12:37.720 I suppose no, no, no, no, you're good. You're good. I like, 0:12:37.760 --> 0:12:39.760 I haven't made much of those hexagon lights, but like 0:12:39.800 --> 0:12:42.840 for what I have made of them, I wanna I 0:12:42.880 --> 0:12:44.520 want to make more, and I want to do more. 0:12:44.559 --> 0:12:45.960 Maybe I can, I can, Maybe I can send you 0:12:45.960 --> 0:12:46.520 a text to what. 0:12:46.480 --> 0:12:50.760 It looks like sure sure, sure, sure, sure go ahead. 0:12:50.760 --> 0:12:52.280 And some of the you know what I'm actually realizing 0:12:52.280 --> 0:12:54.160 also is like I I think and I know this 0:12:54.200 --> 0:13:00.240 from like personal like low self esteem ship is like 0:13:00.280 --> 0:13:04.160 I am, I am aware that I think when you 0:13:04.200 --> 0:13:05.920 go I think when you walk around and you have 0:13:06.000 --> 0:13:08.960 low self esteem, people try to Like, you know, people 0:13:09.040 --> 0:13:11.160 naturally want to lift you up. Your friends want to 0:13:11.200 --> 0:13:12.560 gass you up. And if you're like you know, if 0:13:12.559 --> 0:13:14.120 you're lucky, your friends want to gass you up. In 0:13:14.160 --> 0:13:17.360 your parents, the family want to gass you up. But 0:13:17.600 --> 0:13:20.640 I think when you have an issue like that, uh, 0:13:22.720 --> 0:13:26.199 I mean, external validation helps. Do not fucking get me wrong, 0:13:26.200 --> 0:13:30.360 I would, I wouldn't. I don't want to discount that. 0:13:31.000 --> 0:13:37.400 But I do think that it's it's a mostly internal issue, 0:13:37.640 --> 0:13:41.679 you know, because that's that's literally absolutely is the thing. 0:13:41.920 --> 0:13:44.720 I mean, that's what you even said is you're like 0:13:44.800 --> 0:13:47.440 I have I have a low view of myself. So 0:13:47.520 --> 0:13:49.800 even it doesn't matter how much people are telling me this, 0:13:49.920 --> 0:13:52.040 I just can't believe it, you know. 0:13:52.360 --> 0:14:00.679 Yeah, hmm have you Okay, I guess sent a video 0:14:00.720 --> 0:14:00.960 of it. 0:14:01.200 --> 0:14:03.560 Oh yeah, hol I'll take a look. Let's see here, 0:14:04.040 --> 0:14:06.040 let me did you send it to this phone number? 0:14:06.679 --> 0:14:07.200 Yeah? I did. 0:14:07.679 --> 0:14:09.839 Okay, all right, I'll take a let me see it 0:14:10.120 --> 0:14:12.679 might take a second to oh wait here it is. 0:14:14.080 --> 0:14:18.520 Oh that's sick. I love this. Did you find it's 0:14:18.559 --> 0:14:20.320 like it's like all rainbowie and ship. 0:14:21.000 --> 0:14:22.720 Yeah. You can connect to it with your phone and 0:14:22.760 --> 0:14:23.360 everything too. 0:14:23.880 --> 0:14:28.000 You can connect to it with your phone. Yeah, bro, okay, okay, 0:14:28.000 --> 0:14:30.200 hold on, I'm putting. I'm literally gonna write this down 0:14:30.360 --> 0:14:31.840 because I have a lot I want to talk to 0:14:31.880 --> 0:14:34.440 you about. But we need to talk about we need 0:14:34.480 --> 0:14:37.720 to talk about. I'm literally making a note we solo 0:14:37.800 --> 0:14:41.200 travel I feel like, you know, we're okay, we're gonna 0:14:41.200 --> 0:14:49.600 talk about solo traveling and Hexagon business. All right, all right, 0:14:49.720 --> 0:14:53.440 putting a pin in those two things. But for now, Yeah, 0:14:53.640 --> 0:14:57.400 that looks awesome, putting a pin in those two things. 0:14:58.880 --> 0:15:03.120 What have you done, Like, have you done any kind 0:15:03.160 --> 0:15:05.400 of like internal work to try to like fix your 0:15:05.400 --> 0:15:06.320 self esteem at all? 0:15:08.480 --> 0:15:11.960 I've tried, like some some minor stuff. Like a lot 0:15:12.000 --> 0:15:13.640 of it is just reaching out to friends that I 0:15:13.640 --> 0:15:17.280 haven't that I haven't been contacting all that much. Like 0:15:17.280 --> 0:15:19.080 like I mentioned, I'm in New York right now for 0:15:19.120 --> 0:15:24.200 the for the weekend, visiting my old roommate, and like 0:15:24.240 --> 0:15:26.520 that's that's been a really positive experience. It's been a 0:15:26.520 --> 0:15:29.000 great time to talk to the people that I have 0:15:29.080 --> 0:15:33.400 definitely lost contact with over time and see that more 0:15:33.440 --> 0:15:36.760 people appreciate me than I let on. Then I led 0:15:36.800 --> 0:15:41.840 myself on into thinking yeah, But at the same exact time, 0:15:42.080 --> 0:15:45.400 it's still like a struggle of like, oh, well, I 0:15:45.440 --> 0:15:48.480 can't I can't anchor myself to these people for the 0:15:48.520 --> 0:15:52.240 affection that I need at all times in my life. 0:15:52.280 --> 0:15:53.880 I need to be able to do that on my own. 0:15:53.960 --> 0:15:55.880 And it's really hard to do that on my own 0:15:55.960 --> 0:15:57.960 when I'm in the same habitat that I'm in all 0:15:58.000 --> 0:16:00.760 the time, like just living at my house, going to 0:16:00.760 --> 0:16:05.479 work and just doing all the mundane stuff. It's it's 0:16:05.520 --> 0:16:11.160 tough to kind of break the mold of how I 0:16:11.240 --> 0:16:13.600 view my own self image. But I've gotten into I've 0:16:13.600 --> 0:16:16.400 been getting into a couple of other things, like I've 0:16:16.400 --> 0:16:21.200 been getting into Gunda Models and Warhammer Cool. 0:16:22.560 --> 0:16:22.800 Yeah. 0:16:23.560 --> 0:16:29.320 Well, also, just so you know what you and I can. 0:16:29.480 --> 0:16:32.640 I can only talk about my personal experience. I can 0:16:32.760 --> 0:16:34.160 I can talk about my personal experience, and I can 0:16:34.200 --> 0:16:37.520 talk about like what I have hunches about what you're 0:16:37.920 --> 0:16:44.000 just so you know what you're attempting to do. A 0:16:45.040 --> 0:16:53.160 is it extremely worthy thing of you doing with your life? 0:16:54.680 --> 0:17:00.280 And b is is not an overnight thing? Is a 0:17:00.320 --> 0:17:04.160 thing that take can even take years of like intentional 0:17:04.920 --> 0:17:09.800 effort and sometimes just through living life, you know, yeah, 0:17:09.840 --> 0:17:12.200 by and what I mean by like and the thing, 0:17:12.400 --> 0:17:16.840 the thing being raising your self esteem and changing the 0:17:16.920 --> 0:17:21.080 quality of your thoughts and perspectives about yourself and the 0:17:21.200 --> 0:17:25.560 world is not an overnight thing. And it's sometimes uh 0:17:26.080 --> 0:17:29.280 takes like a combination of like intentional effort and of 0:17:29.400 --> 0:17:31.040 just like living your life. It's not gonna be an 0:17:31.040 --> 0:17:32.919 overnight thing, but I do think a lot of it 0:17:32.960 --> 0:17:35.760 does require Okay, so to go into like the solo 0:17:35.840 --> 0:17:39.639 travel ship and the business shit, A lot of it 0:17:39.680 --> 0:17:47.320 does require like some form of external evidence of your 0:17:47.320 --> 0:17:53.040 own competence. I think is helpful. But even but you could, 0:17:53.040 --> 0:17:56.680 even part of me thinks it's like a Yin and 0:17:56.760 --> 0:17:59.000 Yang thing and they like for the the the external 0:17:59.080 --> 0:18:05.880 validation of your own competence and feeds into your internal 0:18:06.080 --> 0:18:10.439 view of yourself. But I don't know. I don't know 0:18:10.440 --> 0:18:15.280 if we have to get all fucking I was gonna say, 0:18:15.280 --> 0:18:16.879 I don't know if we have to get all capitalist 0:18:16.920 --> 0:18:21.720 about it, but maybe we Maybe we do. I don't know. 0:18:21.920 --> 0:18:24.000 I'm somewhere in between. But let me ask let me 0:18:24.040 --> 0:18:28.520 ask you this. Do you like have you made any 0:18:28.600 --> 0:18:31.520 like intentional efforts to like change your thought patterns? 0:18:32.560 --> 0:18:32.840 Yeah? 0:18:33.440 --> 0:18:36.320 Actually your podcast has helped a lot with that. Great 0:18:37.000 --> 0:18:41.919 Originally I used to be really recently, I think your 0:18:41.960 --> 0:18:48.000 last few podcasts episodes have been going into absurdism and nihilism. Yeah, 0:18:48.040 --> 0:18:50.840 And I'm trying to I'm trying to reshape my thought 0:18:50.920 --> 0:18:54.160 into the the nothing matters in a really depressing way 0:18:54.320 --> 0:18:56.840 and being like nothing matters, so what's the point to anything, 0:18:57.400 --> 0:19:01.600 and reshaping it into nothing matters, so you should just 0:19:01.680 --> 0:19:08.199 try everything. Yeah, that's That's definitely been the biggest mindset 0:19:08.200 --> 0:19:10.000 that I'm trying to turn myself around to. I think 0:19:10.040 --> 0:19:13.680 the issue is consistency because like the whole thing with 0:19:13.720 --> 0:19:16.480 like BPD is that you kind of go through these 0:19:16.600 --> 0:19:21.919 these large mood swings where and in some point of time, uh, 0:19:22.040 --> 0:19:25.720 you're going through like hypo manic phases where you feel 0:19:25.800 --> 0:19:28.560 like you feel like God almost you, you feel like 0:19:28.600 --> 0:19:31.639 you can do anything, and you're some unstoppable force, and 0:19:31.680 --> 0:19:34.480 then it all goes crashing and burning down and you're 0:19:35.119 --> 0:19:37.959 next thing, you know, you're just sitting alone in your 0:19:38.040 --> 0:19:40.560 room thinking about how you, uh, how you should end it, 0:19:41.080 --> 0:19:45.000 and uh, it's it's really it's a really hard and 0:19:45.280 --> 0:19:49.600 abrupt change where it's it's hard to keep that that 0:19:49.720 --> 0:19:54.160 momentum of consistency where you're constantly trying to tell yourself 0:19:54.240 --> 0:20:01.520 that the that the effort in uh you're doing does 0:20:01.640 --> 0:20:04.000 matter even if it doesn't work out. 0:20:04.560 --> 0:20:05.560 Do you take medication? 0:20:06.400 --> 0:20:07.720 Yeah? I do? 0:20:07.720 --> 0:20:09.440 Is it hows that work for you? Is it good? 0:20:10.400 --> 0:20:13.080 It's uh, it's pretty good. It definitely. 0:20:13.200 --> 0:20:13.400 Uh. 0:20:13.520 --> 0:20:16.280 I can I say the medication or am I not going. 0:20:16.280 --> 0:20:17.640 To do whatever you want? 0:20:18.280 --> 0:20:24.800 I take Quittapoline and Sarah Quill QUI quait tapoline. Yeah, 0:20:25.000 --> 0:20:26.520 it's a little weird one. 0:20:26.560 --> 0:20:27.720 That sounds like a Pokemon. 0:20:28.520 --> 0:20:36.080 It kind of does. That's a good point. Yeah, no, 0:20:36.200 --> 0:20:38.240 that one. Uh, quit tapoline is pretty good. That's the 0:20:38.280 --> 0:20:41.919 one for BPD. And then and then uh, Sarah Quill 0:20:42.000 --> 0:20:44.280 is like kind of yeah, Sarah Quill is kind of 0:20:44.320 --> 0:20:46.040 like an energy booster almost. 0:20:46.080 --> 0:20:48.480 Sarah Quill actually does sound like a Pokemon, you know, 0:20:48.560 --> 0:20:49.160 sind Quill. 0:20:49.960 --> 0:20:54.000 Yeah, they do, both of them. Do I think quaitapoline 0:20:54.000 --> 0:20:56.040 would be more like a water Pokemon. 0:20:56.440 --> 0:21:00.199 Quintapoline sounds like the evolution of Sarah Quill. Like ever, 0:21:00.280 --> 0:21:04.199 Quill is like the base one Yeah, a base one 0:21:04.240 --> 0:21:06.960 Pokemon and then the the like the level three evolution 0:21:07.160 --> 0:21:09.040 is Quintapola. 0:21:09.080 --> 0:21:11.800 Is that we said quintaboline, Yeah, something like that. I 0:21:11.840 --> 0:21:13.720 always butchered the name of it too. Don't worry about it. 0:21:13.760 --> 0:21:15.200 How long have you been on those? 0:21:16.400 --> 0:21:21.840 I've been on it for maybe six eight months. I 0:21:22.119 --> 0:21:25.680 started to take it. I had a really bad mental 0:21:25.720 --> 0:21:28.439 health episode a little while ago, and I went to 0:21:28.880 --> 0:21:32.840 a mental health hospital for I think like a week, 0:21:34.160 --> 0:21:37.200 and during that time they got me situated with those 0:21:37.480 --> 0:21:41.080 those medications. I think the only downside with quitapoline is 0:21:41.080 --> 0:21:43.919