1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:37,680 Speaker 1: Welcome. You are now listening to the professional profession It's 2 00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:41,000 Speaker 1: your girl Ebana from the Professional Homegirl podcast, the only 3 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:44,000 Speaker 1: place where you would hear interviews from women of color 4 00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:48,879 Speaker 1: anonymously on stories that will enlighten, and expand on taboo topics. Now, 5 00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:51,839 Speaker 1: if you hear someone that sounds familiar, mind the business 6 00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:54,840 Speaker 1: that pays you child. Please support the show by leaving 7 00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:58,120 Speaker 1: a five star review by some merch or simply share 8 00:00:58,160 --> 00:01:01,120 Speaker 1: these stories with your Professional home Girl. You never know 9 00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:05,600 Speaker 1: these storylines can be someone else's lifeline. Now, please keep 10 00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:07,800 Speaker 1: in mind that all of my guests are anonymous. So 11 00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:12,960 Speaker 1: let's begin this week's episode. It has been four years 12 00:01:12,959 --> 00:01:15,640 Speaker 1: since I spoke to my guests from episode thirty eight. 13 00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:18,959 Speaker 1: I am a correctional officer at Rikers Island, and she 14 00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:20,920 Speaker 1: is back to share her thoughts on one of the 15 00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:24,600 Speaker 1: largest epidemics in our country, gun balance, and how it 16 00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:27,080 Speaker 1: affected her in her family. So to my guests, how 17 00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:32,760 Speaker 1: are you doing? I'm good? In yourself, I'm good, I'm good. Good, 18 00:01:33,319 --> 00:01:38,760 Speaker 1: your skin looking good? Thank you? I see the hair 19 00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:42,800 Speaker 1: on point she got her hair wrapped up. Yeah yeah, yeah, 20 00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:46,760 Speaker 1: I'm dave, Mommy mold. Okay, So let's do an update 21 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:49,400 Speaker 1: for the listeners because your episode has been in the 22 00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:52,520 Speaker 1: top ten since it dropped. Where were your thoughts on 23 00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:57,680 Speaker 1: our first conversation. I think that it was amazing. UM 24 00:01:58,120 --> 00:02:03,280 Speaker 1: it gave me an opportunity to give an insight I 25 00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:08,960 Speaker 1: think to my world as a correction officer at the time, 26 00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:12,040 Speaker 1: as a female correction officer, and I think it was 27 00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:16,160 Speaker 1: just a little bit um it helped people to answer 28 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:19,000 Speaker 1: some questions about some things that go on behind the 29 00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:22,520 Speaker 1: gate is what we say, and give an insight. And 30 00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:26,120 Speaker 1: I think that, um, I live in both worlds, meaning 31 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:28,120 Speaker 1: that I am of the world. I live in the 32 00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:32,079 Speaker 1: same community that I serviced, and so I understand some 33 00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:36,520 Speaker 1: of the issues that people may have with um the 34 00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:41,400 Speaker 1: you know, jail system and Rykers Allen specifically and things 35 00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:43,960 Speaker 1: of that sort. So I hope that I was able to, 36 00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:48,119 Speaker 1: you know, give a little insight and answer some questions 37 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:52,080 Speaker 1: maybe or just hear some things that people didn't know about. 38 00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:54,360 Speaker 1: So I loved it. I loved it. I got great 39 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:58,040 Speaker 1: responses from it, so it's good for me now. Hands down, 40 00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:00,919 Speaker 1: that was one of my favorite interviews. I was okay, okay, 41 00:03:00,919 --> 00:03:06,040 Speaker 1: come on now, I feel like I was Opra yeah, Yeah, 42 00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:08,720 Speaker 1: Jail is one of those type of things where you 43 00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:11,600 Speaker 1: could have so many questions. Unfortunately, I think I may 44 00:03:11,639 --> 00:03:13,840 Speaker 1: have said in an episode and if I did, and 45 00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:16,320 Speaker 1: it's just one of these type of things that you 46 00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:21,480 Speaker 1: really don't know unless you, unfortunately are inmate, a detainee, 47 00:03:21,639 --> 00:03:24,800 Speaker 1: or an officer, you really don't understand. We could have 48 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:26,600 Speaker 1: talked for hours, girl, I'm sure I would have been 49 00:03:26,639 --> 00:03:29,880 Speaker 1: able to answer a whole bunch of different questions from 50 00:03:29,919 --> 00:03:34,920 Speaker 1: different directions. It's it's it's it's almost fascinating. It's sad 51 00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:38,240 Speaker 1: that we have a system because of the things that 52 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:42,640 Speaker 1: you know, we experience in this world. It's it's crazy, 53 00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:45,400 Speaker 1: but it's also fascinating. And I think of, you know, 54 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:49,200 Speaker 1: the operations of jail and the system and the law 55 00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:52,160 Speaker 1: on how things intertwine and inter change and work together 56 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:57,720 Speaker 1: and work apart right, and it's just different. It's fascinating. 57 00:03:57,720 --> 00:03:59,480 Speaker 1: And I literally used to write about jail when I 58 00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:03,360 Speaker 1: was going so yeah, oh wow, what a full circle moment. 59 00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:08,000 Speaker 1: And I also receive a lot of feedback about your episode, 60 00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:10,560 Speaker 1: and most of the feedback we're good because a lot 61 00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:13,680 Speaker 1: of people that responded back to me, we're CEOs and 62 00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:16,120 Speaker 1: they feel like you did a great job of explaining 63 00:04:16,279 --> 00:04:19,359 Speaker 1: what the daily operation is as being a CEO. But 64 00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:21,600 Speaker 1: I also got some feedback from some other people who 65 00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:25,279 Speaker 1: felt like he was glorifying being a CEO. Right, yeah, 66 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:30,560 Speaker 1: I mean that's gonna happen, especially if people have the unfortunate. 67 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:33,719 Speaker 1: First of all, I'm glad because you know, when we 68 00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:37,200 Speaker 1: go to describing anything that we do, especially career wise, 69 00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:41,520 Speaker 1: especially when we're tasked with such a great responsibility. It's 70 00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:46,440 Speaker 1: a great responsibility to be a correction officer, especially if 71 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:50,040 Speaker 1: you have the right mind and heart of what you're doing. Right, 72 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:53,039 Speaker 1: It's a great responsability to make sure that people are 73 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:56,120 Speaker 1: safe and to not be judgmental. That's not what we're 74 00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:59,479 Speaker 1: there for, and those things. So for those officers who 75 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:01,520 Speaker 1: did lit and then think that I did do a 76 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:04,599 Speaker 1: great job, I'm very happy because that was my goal 77 00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:09,120 Speaker 1: and y in part right, we get that right, the 78 00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:11,960 Speaker 1: public opinion is not so nice when it comes to 79 00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:16,600 Speaker 1: law enforcement role. And then to have an experience, right, 80 00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:21,480 Speaker 1: So as a NYPD officer, let's say that walks the street. 81 00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:25,640 Speaker 1: A lot of the times our opinions we get it wrong. 82 00:05:26,279 --> 00:05:29,120 Speaker 1: Still too right, we take one or two or ten 83 00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:32,120 Speaker 1: situations that they post on the news or maybe an 84 00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:34,599 Speaker 1: experience that we have in our community, and we kind 85 00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:37,159 Speaker 1: of make it a blanket thing that this is exactly 86 00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:42,440 Speaker 1: how officers do their job right, which is not fair 87 00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:47,000 Speaker 1: because we see a bad receptionist is not the way 88 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:49,840 Speaker 1: or receptionists all right. We see a bad person at 89 00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:52,480 Speaker 1: Starbucks that has a bad attitude, is not the way 90 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:58,960 Speaker 1: all baristas are. So the public opinion of correction officers, 91 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:02,480 Speaker 1: I'm not surprised are it's not always. It's really never 92 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:05,839 Speaker 1: really nice, you know, and especially because you can't see 93 00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:09,200 Speaker 1: it and you don't really know it, like I said, 94 00:06:09,240 --> 00:06:11,960 Speaker 1: unless you experience it. And then if you have the 95 00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:15,480 Speaker 1: unfortunate situation where where one of your loved ones may 96 00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:18,080 Speaker 1: have been an inmate or a detail, need right that 97 00:06:18,279 --> 00:06:20,599 Speaker 1: most of the time they're not coming out like yeah, 98 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:25,480 Speaker 1: jail was and every officer was great, right. Betimes they're 99 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:30,360 Speaker 1: explaining back to their family members or the people that 100 00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:33,560 Speaker 1: love them about things that are not so nice. Or 101 00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:36,320 Speaker 1: even if they come they come to visit on right 102 00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:39,920 Speaker 1: because island sometimes a lot of the times they have 103 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:47,560 Speaker 1: unpleasant experience this so um and it's not that they're 104 00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:49,680 Speaker 1: wrong right where I Am not going to say here 105 00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:53,359 Speaker 1: and say that all correction officers are a great No. 106 00:06:53,839 --> 00:06:58,600 Speaker 1: People have days, people have bad intentions. People sometimes don't 107 00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:00,280 Speaker 1: do the right thing with the job, you know what 108 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:03,880 Speaker 1: I'm saying, Like a lot, but there are some awesome ones, 109 00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:06,600 Speaker 1: you know. And I think that I came in with 110 00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:08,680 Speaker 1: the mind state, Like I said that, I'm not going 111 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:11,240 Speaker 1: to judge. I'm here to do a job. They're gonna 112 00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:13,560 Speaker 1: get everything they're supposed to have. I'm not gonna give 113 00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:17,040 Speaker 1: them nothing that they're not supposed to have. And you know, 114 00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:19,480 Speaker 1: I want to be proud about the job that I do. 115 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:21,560 Speaker 1: And then people say, how can you be proud you 116 00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:25,160 Speaker 1: you're keeping us locked up and you are No, I'm 117 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:27,880 Speaker 1: like no. And I think I talked about that um 118 00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:32,880 Speaker 1: in the first episode about how the system right. I 119 00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:38,040 Speaker 1: think we talk about Kylief Proud and how before it 120 00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:41,400 Speaker 1: got to Rikers Allen and highlighting Rikers Island, but we 121 00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:44,440 Speaker 1: skipped a whole bunch of steps in that story. They 122 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:47,160 Speaker 1: talked about it a little bit out the law and 123 00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:54,440 Speaker 1: the justice system, they did him wrong and so and so. Yeah, 124 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,160 Speaker 1: I'm you know, we get the backlash. How could you 125 00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:58,840 Speaker 1: be proud about you know, keeping out black and brown 126 00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:03,760 Speaker 1: people locked up, and that's not the case. It's a job. 127 00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:06,600 Speaker 1: It's a job, and you know, we just hope that 128 00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:10,480 Speaker 1: most of the population of correction officers come in with 129 00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:14,160 Speaker 1: the right idea to do their job to the best ability. 130 00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:19,800 Speaker 1: So I'm not surprised that people weren't so happy. I 131 00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:22,600 Speaker 1: thought you was gonna say some correction officers wasn't happy, 132 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:25,040 Speaker 1: because you know, I talked from an honest place and 133 00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:27,360 Speaker 1: from what I've seen and what my experiences. I think 134 00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:29,760 Speaker 1: I talked a little bit about how being a female, 135 00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:32,040 Speaker 1: because that's what it was. It was about a female 136 00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:36,400 Speaker 1: correction office U specifically, and I think I talked about 137 00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:38,920 Speaker 1: how I've seen some female officers where they get a 138 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:42,200 Speaker 1: little hard, you know, and they forget. And it wasn't 139 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:44,679 Speaker 1: a shot. It was what I seen and what I experienced, 140 00:08:44,679 --> 00:08:47,160 Speaker 1: And I was talking about more so to myself and 141 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:50,400 Speaker 1: how I try to keep myself as feminine as possible 142 00:08:50,440 --> 00:08:53,160 Speaker 1: and not kind of go into that world and mentally, 143 00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:56,040 Speaker 1: how you have to be prepared, and how it took 144 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:58,560 Speaker 1: time because people come in at twenty one years old. 145 00:08:58,559 --> 00:09:01,400 Speaker 1: It's it's so many. Like I said, I think that 146 00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:05,040 Speaker 1: job is fascinated because there's so many facets, so many layers, 147 00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:08,760 Speaker 1: so many before we get sometimes to even an end result. 148 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:12,000 Speaker 1: You know what I mean, people one years old to 149 00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:15,000 Speaker 1: do this big job. This is a big job. You 150 00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:18,520 Speaker 1: understand what I'm saying. And sometimes it takes a little 151 00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:20,800 Speaker 1: bit of time before they catch their groove and they 152 00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:24,360 Speaker 1: really learn how to do the job right. And unfortunately, 153 00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:27,080 Speaker 1: we're working with human beings, right, We're not working with 154 00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:30,640 Speaker 1: eboos on a dag or on package or something where 155 00:09:30,679 --> 00:09:33,800 Speaker 1: you when you mess up, it's really affecting somebody's life. 156 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:36,240 Speaker 1: But sometimes it doesn't come from a bad place. Sometimes 157 00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:38,880 Speaker 1: it comes from just not knowing and learning how to 158 00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:41,160 Speaker 1: kind of do your thing the way you need to 159 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:43,720 Speaker 1: do it. It's like it's just so much to that job. 160 00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:47,679 Speaker 1: Like I'm retiring now and I miss it. Sometimes of 161 00:09:47,679 --> 00:09:50,720 Speaker 1: course you miss the people that you've that you like, 162 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:53,000 Speaker 1: but you miss it. I missed the rigor moroe of 163 00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:55,800 Speaker 1: it kinda you know, I have a full life, but 164 00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:58,720 Speaker 1: I miss kind of like this is the person I 165 00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:01,200 Speaker 1: am like kind of figuring things out every day is 166 00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:06,080 Speaker 1: not the same and that kind of the fascination of it. 167 00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:09,680 Speaker 1: I kind of missed some time yeah. I also feel 168 00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:12,200 Speaker 1: like you probably miss it too because you actually enjoy 169 00:10:12,280 --> 00:10:16,120 Speaker 1: your job, but you did it with integrity. Maybe thank you, Yes, 170 00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:19,440 Speaker 1: maybe that's I did enjoy my job. I did. I did. 171 00:10:19,559 --> 00:10:21,560 Speaker 1: I don't think it's anything wrong with that, because you're 172 00:10:21,559 --> 00:10:24,880 Speaker 1: supposed to enjoy your job. I think so too. I 173 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:27,840 Speaker 1: think so too. I I used to tell people that, like, 174 00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:30,440 Speaker 1: oh I can't stay, Oh I can't. And I used 175 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:33,000 Speaker 1: to be like that you should leave, like this should 176 00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:34,920 Speaker 1: be a thing, where's a choice. I know the money 177 00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:38,920 Speaker 1: is good, but your sanity, your mental health things are though, 178 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:41,040 Speaker 1: those are so and you could you never know what 179 00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:42,960 Speaker 1: God has in store, you know what I mean, if 180 00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:44,560 Speaker 1: this is not the place for you, if that's what. 181 00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:46,960 Speaker 1: But I didn't feel like that. I think I said that. 182 00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:50,040 Speaker 1: I think I said God intended me to do that job. 183 00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:53,280 Speaker 1: He really, you know. It's like I said, it's so 184 00:10:53,440 --> 00:10:55,280 Speaker 1: many layers and were like I said, we could have 185 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:58,640 Speaker 1: a whole two three content. You can get other people 186 00:10:58,679 --> 00:11:01,280 Speaker 1: to come in. I would love to hear other officers opinion, 187 00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:04,880 Speaker 1: because it's much to that job. You know, they joke 188 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:08,200 Speaker 1: about it, but we are really more than correction officers. 189 00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:12,720 Speaker 1: I hate when they say hot aid, babysitters. It's like, 190 00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:17,960 Speaker 1: are you crazy. I've I've I've hugged murderers because they're 191 00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:21,679 Speaker 1: human and they hurt when they get life. And what 192 00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:25,040 Speaker 1: am I going to do when they like, oh you 193 00:11:25,040 --> 00:11:28,839 Speaker 1: know or you know, maybe not literally hug them. Girl, 194 00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:32,160 Speaker 1: I'm stretching, but like, listen, sat there and listen to 195 00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:36,800 Speaker 1: some Yeah, I've sat there like, yeah, I did this. 196 00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:39,640 Speaker 1: I've got life and they don't realize young boys fifteen 197 00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:42,920 Speaker 1: years old killing on these streets and you know, running 198 00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:46,840 Speaker 1: in gangs. And I've been a mother to miss you know, 199 00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:50,360 Speaker 1: people who have don't have a mother figure in their life. 200 00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:53,120 Speaker 1: I've been a listener here. I've been a disciplinarian. I've 201 00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:57,920 Speaker 1: been a psychoanalyst. Like I've done everything on this job. 202 00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:01,520 Speaker 1: Like really it's a fast when I tell you a fascinating, fascinating, 203 00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:05,200 Speaker 1: fascinating job to me, it really really is. It's like 204 00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:07,679 Speaker 1: one of a kind. I look back now and be like, 205 00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:10,600 Speaker 1: I can't believe I did that job. I really cannot. 206 00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:13,680 Speaker 1: And I was like I mid twenties and sometimes I 207 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:19,080 Speaker 1: say that I had a young lady that that she's 208 00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:22,760 Speaker 1: very uh you know, she's doing well in life. She's 209 00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:27,719 Speaker 1: about twenty somethings. Oh, she's doing very well. She's a photographer. 210 00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:33,400 Speaker 1: But I used to be like her counselor. And I 211 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:35,440 Speaker 1: ran into her in the street and we got to 212 00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:37,640 Speaker 1: talk in and I was just giving her advice about 213 00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:40,120 Speaker 1: some stuff that she's struggling with with life. And she 214 00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:43,560 Speaker 1: was like, you know what, you have always been that 215 00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:48,600 Speaker 1: for me, Like I remember just being like dag she 216 00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:51,520 Speaker 1: got she has it together. And when I get older, 217 00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:55,160 Speaker 1: like this is the focus, Like how do I get 218 00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:57,080 Speaker 1: to feel like that even if I don't take the 219 00:12:57,080 --> 00:13:00,120 Speaker 1: same path? And I only mentioned that to say I 220 00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:03,480 Speaker 1: looked at her it was like I was twenty two 221 00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:06,240 Speaker 1: years What advice was I giving you for life? Like? 222 00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:08,760 Speaker 1: And I feel like that about this job like I 223 00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:12,760 Speaker 1: was twenty four, twenty five something like that, Like how 224 00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:17,880 Speaker 1: did I figure out how to command area of a 225 00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:21,760 Speaker 1: hundred men and tell them what they're men? Like men 226 00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:24,440 Speaker 1: they not like some of them might have been fifty 227 00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:27,240 Speaker 1: something years old, and I'm telling them what they're going 228 00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:29,640 Speaker 1: to do and what they can't do. And you know, 229 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:32,520 Speaker 1: so you look back and be like, damn, I really 230 00:13:32,559 --> 00:13:37,160 Speaker 1: did that, Like wow, you know what I'm saying? I 231 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:40,720 Speaker 1: did it for almost seventeen years, like this is crazy, 232 00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:47,480 Speaker 1: you know. So yeah, after doors and research, it was 233 00:13:47,559 --> 00:13:50,800 Speaker 1: stated that nearly every American would know at least one 234 00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:53,800 Speaker 1: victim of gun violence in our lifetime. Have you ever 235 00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:59,680 Speaker 1: been affected by gun violence before? Right? So? No, not 236 00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:05,800 Speaker 1: in still recently and just like you reading that saying 237 00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:11,640 Speaker 1: that everyone what is the percentage? I don't have the percentage, 238 00:14:11,679 --> 00:14:14,800 Speaker 1: but it says that one out of four. It wasn't 239 00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:18,600 Speaker 1: really everyone, every American one or at least one victim, 240 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:25,280 Speaker 1: right and so um, yeah no, not until recently did 241 00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:29,600 Speaker 1: I know a victim that was so close to home. 242 00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:32,560 Speaker 1: And I think that makes a difference. Right, So it's 243 00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:36,040 Speaker 1: unfortunate that, you know, I'm the type of person if 244 00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:38,600 Speaker 1: I hear about something, either personally or on the news, 245 00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:41,720 Speaker 1: especially if it's look, you know, just tragic that you're 246 00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:46,760 Speaker 1: just like, oh my god, right, you thing? Right? Um? 247 00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:50,200 Speaker 1: But to experience as close to home as I did, 248 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:54,760 Speaker 1: I literally the part that gave me chills was I 249 00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:58,920 Speaker 1: literally I don't know why, and there's nothing so special 250 00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:01,800 Speaker 1: about me, right that I thought that I never would 251 00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:07,920 Speaker 1: have this experience that I have ever, never ever, especially 252 00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:13,280 Speaker 1: in this way. Never never, Hm, Where were your thoughts 253 00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:19,600 Speaker 1: on gun violence before this happened. Um, my thoughts on 254 00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:26,280 Speaker 1: gun violence was maybe because I feel like I'm a 255 00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:30,800 Speaker 1: straight laced human being, an American, So I think on 256 00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:36,200 Speaker 1: that side of the line, meaning that I am the 257 00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:42,920 Speaker 1: person that's like, why don't they have it to where 258 00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:47,080 Speaker 1: you have to be investigated more? Why isn't it more difficult? 259 00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:51,960 Speaker 1: Why don't people have to um, you know, do like 260 00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:56,040 Speaker 1: an annual thing, even for people that have licenses to 261 00:15:56,080 --> 00:16:02,520 Speaker 1: carry guns? Right, especially because beginning law enforcement. Um, you know, 262 00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:05,840 Speaker 1: once you doing the training annually, right and we're carrying 263 00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:10,360 Speaker 1: personal protection firearms and you get more educated, that's what 264 00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:13,440 Speaker 1: it is, right, you start to go, why why isn't 265 00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:16,240 Speaker 1: the whole America like this? You know what what does 266 00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:20,200 Speaker 1: this come from? So I've always had that enough mind frame. 267 00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:25,520 Speaker 1: Now in the last two months, I have the mind 268 00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:31,400 Speaker 1: frame of the it's stopping first effective? Do we what 269 00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:33,960 Speaker 1: do we do with that? Like do we bring that 270 00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:36,760 Speaker 1: completely all the way back? And if we do, how 271 00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:40,920 Speaker 1: do we police the police? Right? But but is it 272 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:46,480 Speaker 1: effective to get illegal firearms off the street? Um? Just 273 00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:49,720 Speaker 1: just a bunch of questions on in my own head 274 00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:53,640 Speaker 1: now on how to fix the problems, right, And it 275 00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:57,520 Speaker 1: kind of it kind of doesn't make me feel funny, 276 00:16:57,640 --> 00:17:01,880 Speaker 1: but it kind of I question myself, right, like, this 277 00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:06,879 Speaker 1: is important period, and not until it kits so close 278 00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:10,960 Speaker 1: to home, dude, does it become more important to you? 279 00:17:12,119 --> 00:17:16,040 Speaker 1: And that that that that kind of kind of made 280 00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:19,680 Speaker 1: me feel a little bit guilty, to be honest, And 281 00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:21,600 Speaker 1: I feel like now I want to be in the 282 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:26,479 Speaker 1: marches right now. I want to wear the T shirts 283 00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:29,760 Speaker 1: and I want to join the organization. And I kind 284 00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:32,480 Speaker 1: of got down, I got and got all myself and 285 00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:35,680 Speaker 1: was like, you know what, this was affecting somebody else 286 00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:39,520 Speaker 1: and black and brown people for a long time, and 287 00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:41,679 Speaker 1: you should have been standing up and you should have 288 00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:44,840 Speaker 1: been having an opinion, and you should have been trying 289 00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:47,600 Speaker 1: to get some things out here changed and some of 290 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:50,639 Speaker 1: these laws and some of the effectiveness in your own community. 291 00:17:50,760 --> 00:17:55,440 Speaker 1: So I will say that that, you know, I'm more aware, 292 00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:59,840 Speaker 1: I'm more interested, I'm doing more research, I'm you know, 293 00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:04,640 Speaker 1: talking to my children more about um gun violence ever 294 00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:07,480 Speaker 1: since um you know, my husband was murdered, you know. 295 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:12,760 Speaker 1: So yeah, it's it's it makes you look at things differently, right, 296 00:18:13,119 --> 00:18:16,160 Speaker 1: makes you learn laws differently, and makes you just pay 297 00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:19,480 Speaker 1: attention differently. Yeah, so, but I always had an opinion 298 00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:25,440 Speaker 1: about um, firearms in general. U don't like them. Yeah, 299 00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:27,320 Speaker 1: I don't like them either. I don't want them near me. 300 00:18:27,359 --> 00:18:30,399 Speaker 1: I don't want to see one. Like right, even with 301 00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:34,880 Speaker 1: being educated, um, you know, as being a law enforceman, 302 00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:38,520 Speaker 1: I could break a firearm all the way down to 303 00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:41,000 Speaker 1: the core us to clean it and put it back together. 304 00:18:41,359 --> 00:18:46,119 Speaker 1: Still not comfortable. Still like, but um, yeah, we just 305 00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:52,560 Speaker 1: need some stiffer laws and some precautions. I don't I 306 00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:54,520 Speaker 1: think before we even get to the law park because 307 00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:57,080 Speaker 1: when we talk about gun violence, I don't know the 308 00:18:57,160 --> 00:18:59,800 Speaker 1: statistics on it. And that's the thing. Let me say 309 00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:02,359 Speaker 1: that first that I love about your podcast. I was 310 00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:09,720 Speaker 1: very not nervous, but just feeling like at first that 311 00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:11,919 Speaker 1: I needed to have all of these statistics and all 312 00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:14,400 Speaker 1: of these numbers and all of this stuff about gun 313 00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:19,040 Speaker 1: violence so that I can have an intelligent conversation. But 314 00:19:19,119 --> 00:19:22,000 Speaker 1: the thing about your podcast is that not that that's 315 00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:25,120 Speaker 1: not important, especially when we're talking about such a serious subject, 316 00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:30,600 Speaker 1: but I think that people want to listen to the 317 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:33,960 Speaker 1: real of how someone feels that's affected, and that's what 318 00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:37,359 Speaker 1: your podcast does, right. We talked from a very honest place. 319 00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:44,520 Speaker 1: Somebody might not hear that the you know, gun violence 320 00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:49,640 Speaker 1: has gone up in New York City in November, December, 321 00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:54,000 Speaker 1: in January thirteen percent. That made me nothing to them, 322 00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:57,120 Speaker 1: but it might something to them for them to hear 323 00:19:57,160 --> 00:20:00,800 Speaker 1: me say, I have a thirteen year old son whose 324 00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:05,080 Speaker 1: father was murdered on his lunch break in the same 325 00:20:05,119 --> 00:20:08,879 Speaker 1: communities like you know, like he was murdered in Queen's 326 00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:11,600 Speaker 1: We're from Harlem. But still, you know what I mean, 327 00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:17,680 Speaker 1: two days Christmas by somebody who had an illegal gun. 328 00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:19,880 Speaker 1: He was on his lunch break. He was a worker, 329 00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:23,720 Speaker 1: he was a great person, a great dad. He didn't 330 00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:27,760 Speaker 1: he wasn't deserving of that. I think that's makes more 331 00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:32,160 Speaker 1: sense to somebody than numbers and statistics. You know, understand, 332 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:36,879 Speaker 1: And so I can feel comfortable, thank you coming on 333 00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:40,439 Speaker 1: your form and just talking from an honest place. And 334 00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:43,880 Speaker 1: if I don't know all the numbers, it doesn't change 335 00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:47,560 Speaker 1: my heart and what I think about this topic, how 336 00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:52,360 Speaker 1: I'm affected personally by how my children are affected personally 337 00:20:52,359 --> 00:20:55,480 Speaker 1: by it. So I'm sorry to anybody that I listened 338 00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:57,240 Speaker 1: to this that I don't have all the statistics for 339 00:20:57,320 --> 00:21:01,359 Speaker 1: New York City. But I do have the one that 340 00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:04,480 Speaker 1: matters and right now for me is that my my 341 00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:07,560 Speaker 1: husband was murdered. You know what I'm saying two months ago. 342 00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:11,160 Speaker 1: I have a thirteen year old that's highly and by 343 00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:16,560 Speaker 1: somebody who has a criminal record, somebody who has been 344 00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:20,399 Speaker 1: in and out the jail system, somebody who if laws 345 00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:23,920 Speaker 1: was this different if we didn't have things like Bell 346 00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:29,200 Speaker 1: Reform and um lacks. Like New York City is like, 347 00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:33,239 Speaker 1: um uh, what's the what's the word I'm looking for? 348 00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:39,639 Speaker 1: Evan aa um you know it's uh uh I always 349 00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:44,600 Speaker 1: say this. I can't work. It's like not loose, but 350 00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:49,000 Speaker 1: you know it's it's it's more for the people. It's like, um, oh, 351 00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:52,439 Speaker 1: I know what you what you're talking about? Oh, I 352 00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:54,480 Speaker 1: know exactly a child. I'm at to start googling. I 353 00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:57,040 Speaker 1: know exactly what you mean. Like New York is for like, 354 00:21:58,040 --> 00:22:03,040 Speaker 1: it's not it's what's where it's Um, I can't I 355 00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:07,160 Speaker 1: say this, But New York is with the people. Yeah, 356 00:22:07,359 --> 00:22:10,840 Speaker 1: it's more for the people. And it's great. It's a 357 00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:14,320 Speaker 1: lot of poles. Yeah, and it's great on some levels 358 00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:16,800 Speaker 1: that is that way, but it's some things that we 359 00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:21,199 Speaker 1: definitely need to work on we need, yeah, you know, 360 00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:25,440 Speaker 1: and it's like, you know this this particular person that 361 00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:29,960 Speaker 1: did this to my husband. And I'm sure it's more 362 00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:33,879 Speaker 1: people who are out there like as they they they 363 00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:36,480 Speaker 1: go in and out of the system, they learn the 364 00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:40,600 Speaker 1: loopholes and just maybe if laws was a little bit stiffer, 365 00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:44,159 Speaker 1: they wouldn't be able to be out here and commit 366 00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:48,199 Speaker 1: you know. It's like you see these people who commit 367 00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:50,280 Speaker 1: crimes and it gets worse, and it gets worse, and 368 00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:55,760 Speaker 1: it gets worse, and before a lot of these reforms 369 00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:59,919 Speaker 1: and these changing of laws and stuff like that, you know, 370 00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:03,200 Speaker 1: they would kind of catch themselves up in the system 371 00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:09,639 Speaker 1: like oh, I could you know Robert Clothing store and 372 00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:15,040 Speaker 1: I'm out on Belt before twenty four hours, right, you know? So, 373 00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:19,280 Speaker 1: Um it is gun violence has a lot to do 374 00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:21,360 Speaker 1: with a lot of things to me, is what I'm 375 00:23:21,359 --> 00:23:24,480 Speaker 1: trying to say. It's about different laws that need to 376 00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:27,719 Speaker 1: be changed. It's about, um, the way that we police 377 00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:30,240 Speaker 1: in our community. And I say the way because I 378 00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:32,960 Speaker 1: don't know exactly what needs to be done. Like I said, 379 00:23:33,080 --> 00:23:34,879 Speaker 1: is it a stopping first type of thing? And the 380 00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:38,440 Speaker 1: police the police? Is it? Ah, I don't know. Being 381 00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:41,360 Speaker 1: more aware of being more present in the community so 382 00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:47,480 Speaker 1: that people, uh could feel comfortable with Like, um, I 383 00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:49,560 Speaker 1: don't want to use the word snitching, you know what 384 00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:56,720 Speaker 1: I'm saying, Like, Uh, yeah, I have this in our community, 385 00:23:56,960 --> 00:23:59,080 Speaker 1: you know, working hand in hand with the police. Is 386 00:23:59,080 --> 00:24:02,439 Speaker 1: there is there such a thing? Have we completely lost that, 387 00:24:03,040 --> 00:24:05,880 Speaker 1: especially in New York City? You know what I'm saying, Like, 388 00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:08,760 Speaker 1: there has to be something we have to get back 389 00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:12,280 Speaker 1: to it does doesn't it feel like we like we 390 00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:15,440 Speaker 1: liveing in like Western times or something like it's going backwards. 391 00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:19,240 Speaker 1: It's like the wild, wild West out here. There's many 392 00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:26,199 Speaker 1: things that's happening, and you don't feel like that the 393 00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:29,040 Speaker 1: criminals are being held accountable. Like I don't know how 394 00:24:29,040 --> 00:24:33,560 Speaker 1: else to say it intelligently, it seems like they get 395 00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:37,160 Speaker 1: away with a whole lot out here. I do agree. 396 00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:40,960 Speaker 1: I do feel like there needs to be a better 397 00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:43,680 Speaker 1: It has to be a better relationship between law enforcement 398 00:24:43,680 --> 00:24:46,439 Speaker 1: and the community because at this point there's no relationship. 399 00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:49,720 Speaker 1: And I think that because we have seen so much 400 00:24:49,720 --> 00:24:53,480 Speaker 1: and experienced so much, it makes it very difficult to 401 00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:57,359 Speaker 1: trust those that's supposed to protect us. Right and which 402 00:24:57,440 --> 00:25:02,119 Speaker 1: is it's like in the world a visual world right, 403 00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:06,320 Speaker 1: and so can see it right. And we have the 404 00:25:06,359 --> 00:25:08,720 Speaker 1: social media and the camera phones and stuff like that, 405 00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:14,600 Speaker 1: like I said, but we have to figure out how 406 00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:20,280 Speaker 1: to m make a relationship with back with law enforcement 407 00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:25,000 Speaker 1: and the communities that they serve, because if we don't, 408 00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:32,040 Speaker 1: then what like, it's a lack of respect um both ways, 409 00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:36,399 Speaker 1: it's lack of knowledge, it's a lack of UM trust. 410 00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:39,760 Speaker 1: And to talk for law enforcement officers, a lot of 411 00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:44,480 Speaker 1: law enforcement officers are afraid and they're reacting very wrong. 412 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:47,000 Speaker 1: It's a whole bunch of stuff. You can talk about. 413 00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:49,720 Speaker 1: You could talk about the training, a bunch of stuff. 414 00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:53,760 Speaker 1: But we have to figure it out right or else 415 00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:57,960 Speaker 1: then what like the bond door is open right now 416 00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:02,160 Speaker 1: and we have I have to get this door closed 417 00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:06,040 Speaker 1: back in Oh what is going to happen out here? 418 00:26:06,119 --> 00:26:10,800 Speaker 1: Like it's so scared. You know, I have, like I said, 419 00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:13,800 Speaker 1: my youngest son and thirteen, and I have a twenty 420 00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:17,080 Speaker 1: eight year old son, I have even my daughter. You 421 00:26:17,119 --> 00:26:21,800 Speaker 1: know what I mean? You have all of these um 422 00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:23,919 Speaker 1: not just New York City, I know. Is that's what 423 00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:28,000 Speaker 1: pertains to me. But even with these UM gun laws, 424 00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:31,840 Speaker 1: even for people who get them legally, like these assault 425 00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:36,000 Speaker 1: rifles or these campuses, these shootings, and how they have 426 00:26:36,080 --> 00:26:40,800 Speaker 1: the ghost guns. Huh now they have the ghost guns. Yes, 427 00:26:41,119 --> 00:26:45,720 Speaker 1: the ghost guns. I was reading about that. I'm telling you, 428 00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:52,240 Speaker 1: I've I've done so much just random research ever since, um, 429 00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:54,760 Speaker 1: in the last two months, ever since UM, you know 430 00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:57,320 Speaker 1: we've been going through what we've been going through. I 431 00:26:57,359 --> 00:27:02,439 Speaker 1: didn't even know and I didn't even know about ghost guns. 432 00:27:02,880 --> 00:27:06,800 Speaker 1: I didn't what they were. I did, I had no clue. 433 00:27:06,920 --> 00:27:09,760 Speaker 1: I'm I'm literally one of those people that just are 434 00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:13,800 Speaker 1: walking out here. That's just like, of course I'm aware 435 00:27:14,240 --> 00:27:19,320 Speaker 1: more so than the average person of crime and things 436 00:27:19,359 --> 00:27:22,760 Speaker 1: that go on in the world, but I was really 437 00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:24,720 Speaker 1: walking out here. I mean, they're like one of those 438 00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:27,800 Speaker 1: people that just wasn't affected by the things that we're 439 00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:30,200 Speaker 1: talking about right now. So I just was like, listen, 440 00:27:30,640 --> 00:27:32,639 Speaker 1: if I'm just the you know, a good person and 441 00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:36,600 Speaker 1: I take good kids, kids, and yeah, what I gotta do, 442 00:27:36,640 --> 00:27:40,040 Speaker 1: then yeah, this is the like no, right, but you 443 00:27:40,119 --> 00:27:42,719 Speaker 1: mentioned earlier that you felt guilty. But is it feeling 444 00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:45,680 Speaker 1: guilty or is it just a reminder that it could 445 00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:49,520 Speaker 1: happen to any one of us. It's this is a 446 00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:51,760 Speaker 1: reminder that it can happen to any one of us. 447 00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:56,560 Speaker 1: But I just felt guilty because I think one of 448 00:27:56,600 --> 00:27:58,720 Speaker 1: the biggest things that I felt guilty about is because 449 00:27:58,800 --> 00:28:01,240 Speaker 1: one of my one of my famous things that I 450 00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:06,879 Speaker 1: always say is somebody has to be Rosa Parks. Somebody 451 00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:09,480 Speaker 1: has to be the first to take a stand in 452 00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:13,000 Speaker 1: any type of situation where you want change. And that's 453 00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:16,760 Speaker 1: the most scariest position to have, right. It's the first 454 00:28:17,119 --> 00:28:19,240 Speaker 1: to say this is wrong or we need to do 455 00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:24,119 Speaker 1: something about this. Right. But I have led my life 456 00:28:24,400 --> 00:28:28,240 Speaker 1: that even when somebody was Rosa Parks, that I was 457 00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:33,600 Speaker 1: afraid to join in the fight, or just didn't think that. 458 00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:39,640 Speaker 1: I shouldn't say afraid. I didn't think that my one body, Matt, Matt. 459 00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:44,600 Speaker 1: But when one body makes two, makes twenty, makes one hundred, 460 00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:49,600 Speaker 1: makes five hundred, makes five thousand, makes a movement. And 461 00:28:49,680 --> 00:28:53,240 Speaker 1: I always was. And not that I wasn't affected. Not 462 00:28:53,400 --> 00:28:56,520 Speaker 1: that I'm talking about the things that has happened right 463 00:28:56,640 --> 00:29:01,640 Speaker 1: in recent times, the George Floyd moments, the Black Lives 464 00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:06,840 Speaker 1: Matter moments, Right, I'm being honest, fully transparent. Never joined 465 00:29:07,360 --> 00:29:11,400 Speaker 1: one of those marches or anything like that, Not that 466 00:29:11,440 --> 00:29:15,680 Speaker 1: I don't think that it was a horrible situation. Tamika D. 467 00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:21,560 Speaker 1: Malory is one of my favorite favorite voices of our time. 468 00:29:22,080 --> 00:29:25,720 Speaker 1: I love her work. I love the way she just 469 00:29:25,840 --> 00:29:29,080 Speaker 1: moves and the way she does right. She'll she just 470 00:29:29,240 --> 00:29:31,920 Speaker 1: she doesn't come off like she is running for no office. 471 00:29:31,960 --> 00:29:34,520 Speaker 1: She come off like I'm Rosa Parks for the people, 472 00:29:35,200 --> 00:29:39,200 Speaker 1: never joined none of her stuff. And that's comes from 473 00:29:39,240 --> 00:29:43,120 Speaker 1: because if I go to start of marks in um 474 00:29:43,880 --> 00:29:50,080 Speaker 1: remembering some my ex husband who was you know, gunned down, 475 00:29:50,200 --> 00:29:52,920 Speaker 1: whatever the case may be, I would want somebody to 476 00:29:53,000 --> 00:29:55,640 Speaker 1: stand with me and ten people and twenty people and 477 00:29:55,760 --> 00:29:59,480 Speaker 1: five hundred and five thousand, and I just have never 478 00:29:59,560 --> 00:30:03,360 Speaker 1: been that to any movement because I wasn't directly affected, 479 00:30:04,120 --> 00:30:07,360 Speaker 1: and that's not what we should do. You're understand And 480 00:30:07,520 --> 00:30:11,520 Speaker 1: I see that I'm only getting that because it has 481 00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:14,040 Speaker 1: happened to me, because it could happen to anybody. You 482 00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:18,120 Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, like, Yeah, this is my big 483 00:30:18,160 --> 00:30:22,040 Speaker 1: girl moment, this is my this is my tests, you 484 00:30:22,080 --> 00:30:24,480 Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. And it's the only thing that 485 00:30:24,560 --> 00:30:28,600 Speaker 1: keeps me saying because I know at the end of 486 00:30:28,680 --> 00:30:31,000 Speaker 1: test there has to be a test alone, like it 487 00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:35,000 Speaker 1: has to be something that this this is part of that. 488 00:30:35,120 --> 00:30:37,160 Speaker 1: This is a start. And the thing about it is 489 00:30:37,680 --> 00:30:39,920 Speaker 1: I have a big mouth. I talk a lot about 490 00:30:39,960 --> 00:30:43,080 Speaker 1: a lot of things. Yeah, I was heying, Like so 491 00:30:43,120 --> 00:30:45,080 Speaker 1: that's the way the guilt come into. Like I feel 492 00:30:45,160 --> 00:30:46,800 Speaker 1: like I could have been effective. I feel like I 493 00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:50,600 Speaker 1: could have started a march or a talk or whatever 494 00:30:50,760 --> 00:30:54,160 Speaker 1: fundrais or this or that, and so that you beat 495 00:30:54,160 --> 00:30:58,320 Speaker 1: yourself up about, you know what I mean? Like I 496 00:30:58,400 --> 00:31:04,320 Speaker 1: even I even I even contemplate in doing this because 497 00:31:04,360 --> 00:31:08,520 Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, I've had this situation that happened to 498 00:31:08,560 --> 00:31:12,680 Speaker 1: me two months ago, But who wants to hear from me? Like? 499 00:31:12,760 --> 00:31:15,440 Speaker 1: Who cares about how I feel about gun violence? Who 500 00:31:15,440 --> 00:31:18,720 Speaker 1: cares about even though I think I'm the perfect person, 501 00:31:18,800 --> 00:31:21,720 Speaker 1: not only because of this situation, because I was law enforcement. 502 00:31:22,520 --> 00:31:25,920 Speaker 1: I live in the same community that most of the 503 00:31:26,800 --> 00:31:31,920 Speaker 1: people clientele unfortunately you want to call them, come from. 504 00:31:31,960 --> 00:31:34,640 Speaker 1: I've experienced a lot of stuff, but I just was like, 505 00:31:36,320 --> 00:31:38,720 Speaker 1: is it right for me to talk about it? Because 506 00:31:38,880 --> 00:31:43,520 Speaker 1: now maybe it's somebody that was who has been a 507 00:31:43,640 --> 00:31:47,120 Speaker 1: champion for gun violence, you know what I'm saying, and 508 00:31:47,720 --> 00:31:50,480 Speaker 1: bell reform and things that are maybe they're better. Guess 509 00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:54,520 Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, but no, because I am 510 00:31:54,560 --> 00:31:58,520 Speaker 1: in it now from a place of my experience now. 511 00:31:58,600 --> 00:32:02,200 Speaker 1: So yeah, I'm thankful for you for sharing your story 512 00:32:02,240 --> 00:32:06,200 Speaker 1: because a couple of months ago, one of my best 513 00:32:06,240 --> 00:32:10,600 Speaker 1: friends boyfriend was killed, so I was telling her about 514 00:32:10,680 --> 00:32:14,040 Speaker 1: your story, and she's like looking forward to it because 515 00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:15,400 Speaker 1: I feel like a lot of times when people are 516 00:32:15,520 --> 00:32:17,880 Speaker 1: going through certain things, even though you have all the 517 00:32:17,920 --> 00:32:20,360 Speaker 1: support and love, it's very hard for people for you 518 00:32:20,400 --> 00:32:22,440 Speaker 1: to feel like people relate to you unless they've been 519 00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:26,160 Speaker 1: through the same exact thing. And grief has been doing 520 00:32:26,200 --> 00:32:28,360 Speaker 1: a number on her, as I'm pretty sure it's been 521 00:32:28,360 --> 00:32:31,160 Speaker 1: doing a number on you. And I feel like your 522 00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:33,600 Speaker 1: story a lot of people. Unfortunately, I'm going to be 523 00:32:33,640 --> 00:32:38,760 Speaker 1: able to relate to it. Yeah, And so yes, grief. 524 00:32:40,800 --> 00:32:45,000 Speaker 1: You know, we follow each other on social media and 525 00:32:45,120 --> 00:32:49,040 Speaker 1: so I can tell what you're going through it. I'm like, yeah, 526 00:32:49,160 --> 00:32:51,120 Speaker 1: when I see you post, I just see a little 527 00:32:51,120 --> 00:32:55,760 Speaker 1: prayer up for you because I'm like, grief, girls, I 528 00:32:55,800 --> 00:33:00,040 Speaker 1: didn't even know that there was a thing that I 529 00:33:00,080 --> 00:33:04,600 Speaker 1: can take hold of your body and the way that 530 00:33:04,640 --> 00:33:08,800 Speaker 1: this has or me, I mean physically, I have not 531 00:33:08,920 --> 00:33:12,160 Speaker 1: been well since either day I got the nose like physically, 532 00:33:12,320 --> 00:33:16,720 Speaker 1: my body has not done like literally, I have not 533 00:33:16,840 --> 00:33:21,240 Speaker 1: felt myself like my heart literally, you understand I said, 534 00:33:21,640 --> 00:33:26,680 Speaker 1: I will never ever if you know my goal. Of 535 00:33:26,720 --> 00:33:28,760 Speaker 1: course I want to. I'm still living and so I 536 00:33:28,800 --> 00:33:33,640 Speaker 1: want to be in a full relationship. God forbid anybody 537 00:33:33,680 --> 00:33:36,560 Speaker 1: ever hurts me. I will never use the term heartbroken. 538 00:33:36,800 --> 00:33:40,080 Speaker 1: Oh he broke my heart because the way my heart 539 00:33:40,200 --> 00:33:46,360 Speaker 1: is broken the physical like literally, when you're laying in 540 00:33:46,440 --> 00:33:49,840 Speaker 1: better you have to talk yourself out of the feeling 541 00:33:49,920 --> 00:33:51,960 Speaker 1: like you're about to have a stroke or a heart 542 00:33:51,960 --> 00:33:55,360 Speaker 1: attack whatever that feels like physically like you have to 543 00:33:55,400 --> 00:33:59,840 Speaker 1: talk yourself down in order to just not feel like 544 00:34:00,120 --> 00:34:04,239 Speaker 1: about to die like this. This's no this type of 545 00:34:04,320 --> 00:34:08,040 Speaker 1: thing is the safe. You don't know this. Nobody knows 546 00:34:08,040 --> 00:34:10,600 Speaker 1: this unless they go through it. And it's so funny 547 00:34:10,640 --> 00:34:14,840 Speaker 1: because the people that I know that have that have 548 00:34:15,880 --> 00:34:18,759 Speaker 1: are still because grief is one of those type of 549 00:34:18,760 --> 00:34:21,279 Speaker 1: things where I don't think you get old and I 550 00:34:21,360 --> 00:34:26,520 Speaker 1: didn't how to live with it as part of your life. Yeah, 551 00:34:26,600 --> 00:34:29,799 Speaker 1: just always say that. Like I lost my grandmother seven 552 00:34:29,840 --> 00:34:31,360 Speaker 1: years ago and she was like a mom to me, 553 00:34:31,800 --> 00:34:34,040 Speaker 1: and I was telling my homegirl, who's going through it now, 554 00:34:34,120 --> 00:34:35,480 Speaker 1: and she was like, how do you get through it? 555 00:34:35,520 --> 00:34:37,360 Speaker 1: And I'm like, honestly, you don't. I say, you just 556 00:34:37,440 --> 00:34:40,920 Speaker 1: learn how I was like some days, I'm like it's 557 00:34:40,960 --> 00:34:42,960 Speaker 1: seven years later and I still cry from my grandmother. 558 00:34:43,000 --> 00:34:45,480 Speaker 1: I was like, you just don't you just go through 559 00:34:45,480 --> 00:34:49,640 Speaker 1: the floor with yeah, And I'm nowhere close to give anybody. 560 00:34:49,680 --> 00:34:53,799 Speaker 1: Anybody's like, I'm two months do you understand? But um, yeah, 561 00:34:53,840 --> 00:34:57,719 Speaker 1: you just you just I think that you learn what 562 00:34:58,000 --> 00:35:02,879 Speaker 1: tactics or to whatever, or what triggers or whatever. Eventually, 563 00:35:02,920 --> 00:35:05,200 Speaker 1: I'm sure I'll get there. But the people that I 564 00:35:05,320 --> 00:35:09,760 Speaker 1: know who I have a friend whose son was killed 565 00:35:09,840 --> 00:35:13,719 Speaker 1: in twenty twenty two, and another friend who husbands five 566 00:35:13,840 --> 00:35:18,840 Speaker 1: kids killed in twenty twenty two, And those are the 567 00:35:18,840 --> 00:35:22,920 Speaker 1: people that I can't talk to though. That's it's the 568 00:35:22,960 --> 00:35:28,040 Speaker 1: people who I know know this what this is. I 569 00:35:28,080 --> 00:35:30,560 Speaker 1: can't talk to them. I'm not ready, which is weird 570 00:35:30,600 --> 00:35:33,960 Speaker 1: because you would think that those are the very people 571 00:35:34,000 --> 00:35:36,000 Speaker 1: that I want to but I can't. I don't. I 572 00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:38,800 Speaker 1: think that I feel like because I know the feeling 573 00:35:39,239 --> 00:35:42,400 Speaker 1: that talking to them, I would like feel you understand, 574 00:35:42,480 --> 00:35:47,239 Speaker 1: like like it's different, like like I feel like my 575 00:35:47,280 --> 00:35:49,040 Speaker 1: friend I just was like, you know, I'm here for 576 00:35:49,120 --> 00:35:53,719 Speaker 1: you when her son got killed and when she same 577 00:35:53,800 --> 00:35:55,880 Speaker 1: way when she seen me post. She's very good at 578 00:35:55,920 --> 00:36:01,799 Speaker 1: sending me lengthy damns and saying stuff like I understand 579 00:36:01,880 --> 00:36:04,120 Speaker 1: and this is that and that, and when I read 580 00:36:04,239 --> 00:36:08,600 Speaker 1: her stuff because I know it's coming from this that 581 00:36:08,640 --> 00:36:11,799 Speaker 1: I feel, I'm broken, Like I can't even get through 582 00:36:11,800 --> 00:36:14,440 Speaker 1: her words, so I know talking to her, I'm just 583 00:36:14,480 --> 00:36:17,359 Speaker 1: not at that place. I'm at a place of shutdown, right, 584 00:36:18,160 --> 00:36:23,240 Speaker 1: I don't I don't have a whole lot for the world. 585 00:36:23,280 --> 00:36:26,360 Speaker 1: I'm just figuring out how to function on an everyday basis. 586 00:36:26,640 --> 00:36:28,719 Speaker 1: So and I still go out and stuff, but I'm 587 00:36:29,320 --> 00:36:33,640 Speaker 1: I'm numbing. It's like I need to. When I sit 588 00:36:33,760 --> 00:36:36,040 Speaker 1: idle is when it hits me. So I try to 589 00:36:36,040 --> 00:36:39,360 Speaker 1: go out, but that's not good because that that ill 590 00:36:39,400 --> 00:36:43,440 Speaker 1: finds you broke, addicted to alcohol or whatever, you know 591 00:36:43,480 --> 00:36:46,480 Speaker 1: what I'm saying, or just I have to deal. But 592 00:36:46,560 --> 00:36:49,560 Speaker 1: I'm just not ready because it's not real to me yet. 593 00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:51,880 Speaker 1: I don't know if that makes sense. Every day it's 594 00:36:51,920 --> 00:36:55,040 Speaker 1: like you can't believe it. If you follow me, you've 595 00:36:55,080 --> 00:36:57,760 Speaker 1: seen me say that, Like every day it's like groundhog day. 596 00:36:57,960 --> 00:36:59,879 Speaker 1: It's like the first day I got the dose. Every 597 00:37:00,080 --> 00:37:03,359 Speaker 1: single day it's unbelievable to me. That's it that way, 598 00:37:03,360 --> 00:37:06,320 Speaker 1: Like I literally talk to myself like, come on now, 599 00:37:06,880 --> 00:37:09,600 Speaker 1: like today, Yeah, it's like groundhold day. It's like I 600 00:37:09,760 --> 00:37:12,440 Speaker 1: to relive it every day. It's like I remind myself 601 00:37:12,520 --> 00:37:16,239 Speaker 1: every day that he's going every single day. Dude is 602 00:37:16,440 --> 00:37:19,400 Speaker 1: not real to me. I've gone to call him in 603 00:37:19,400 --> 00:37:22,000 Speaker 1: the last two months. I've talked out loud to him, 604 00:37:22,520 --> 00:37:27,799 Speaker 1: and I've puckered my lips while I'm laying down, like 605 00:37:27,840 --> 00:37:31,040 Speaker 1: I can visualize him coming towards me to give me 606 00:37:31,080 --> 00:37:37,920 Speaker 1: a guess I felt him. I've I've and he's he's 607 00:37:38,040 --> 00:37:39,839 Speaker 1: coming to me, and I don't know what it is. 608 00:37:40,360 --> 00:37:43,040 Speaker 1: And it's like all the things you hear that you 609 00:37:43,239 --> 00:37:46,680 Speaker 1: be like that you can't resonate with. When somebody else 610 00:37:46,719 --> 00:37:50,480 Speaker 1: you listen to it, you're like, Okay, it's the stuff 611 00:37:50,520 --> 00:37:52,680 Speaker 1: that makes you think you're going crazy because it's just 612 00:37:52,760 --> 00:37:57,120 Speaker 1: like and it's the trauma of it for me, you 613 00:37:57,160 --> 00:37:59,400 Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. Death in and of itself right 614 00:37:59,719 --> 00:38:03,280 Speaker 1: is something that's hard to deal with. But the way 615 00:38:03,320 --> 00:38:08,399 Speaker 1: he left this earth, right, the way he was gunned down. 616 00:38:09,360 --> 00:38:12,560 Speaker 1: He was gunned down in the middle of a mall. 617 00:38:13,000 --> 00:38:16,799 Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, very public. The first notification, 618 00:38:16,960 --> 00:38:20,000 Speaker 1: the first visual thing, because I got the notification over 619 00:38:20,040 --> 00:38:26,080 Speaker 1: the phone. The first visual his aunt called. I mean 620 00:38:26,160 --> 00:38:29,040 Speaker 1: she was coming. She was calling me to go identify 621 00:38:29,160 --> 00:38:34,400 Speaker 1: his body. Wow. And I was on a vacation. I 622 00:38:34,440 --> 00:38:38,719 Speaker 1: was on a cruise and I held it for three days, 623 00:38:38,719 --> 00:38:41,040 Speaker 1: probably the worst few days of my life before I 624 00:38:41,080 --> 00:38:44,160 Speaker 1: was able to tell my son, because we were on 625 00:38:44,160 --> 00:38:47,919 Speaker 1: a cruise and so I didn't think it was best 626 00:38:47,920 --> 00:38:51,000 Speaker 1: to tell him. And then what like we had we 627 00:38:51,160 --> 00:38:53,399 Speaker 1: you know, your kids. It's not like you could just 628 00:38:53,440 --> 00:38:55,640 Speaker 1: fly out of you know what I'm saying, Like, you 629 00:38:55,719 --> 00:38:58,120 Speaker 1: gotta stay. So I didn't tell her for three days. 630 00:38:58,200 --> 00:39:01,560 Speaker 1: My daughter actually knew, and so we would take turns 631 00:39:01,600 --> 00:39:05,279 Speaker 1: breaking down and distracted him and and they called me 632 00:39:05,440 --> 00:39:09,359 Speaker 1: to identify his body. But quickly after that, because we 633 00:39:09,400 --> 00:39:13,919 Speaker 1: live in the world of camophones and everything like that, 634 00:39:14,440 --> 00:39:16,880 Speaker 1: the very first visual I got with him laying on 635 00:39:16,920 --> 00:39:20,359 Speaker 1: the street, that face down, blood coming out his mouth. 636 00:39:22,040 --> 00:39:24,920 Speaker 1: It's one of the things that when I closed my eyes, 637 00:39:24,960 --> 00:39:30,279 Speaker 1: it's the first thing I see, right, Hyeah, did he 638 00:39:30,360 --> 00:39:34,880 Speaker 1: know the person. I don't know, because the person was 639 00:39:35,000 --> 00:39:37,080 Speaker 1: very bold to do what he did and not have 640 00:39:37,120 --> 00:39:41,279 Speaker 1: a mask on girl. Girl, because I was looking at 641 00:39:41,280 --> 00:39:43,720 Speaker 1: the I was reading the articles and I'm like, wow, 642 00:39:43,800 --> 00:39:46,560 Speaker 1: Like you didn't even try to conceal your face. Girl. 643 00:39:47,040 --> 00:39:51,280 Speaker 1: It's like the girl I told somebody the other day. 644 00:39:51,560 --> 00:39:55,320 Speaker 1: The video is so clear. It's like he told somebody, 645 00:39:55,360 --> 00:39:56,840 Speaker 1: watch what I'm about to do. Shoot this for me 646 00:39:56,880 --> 00:40:00,560 Speaker 1: real quick, because it was like, yeah, I'm not sure 647 00:40:00,560 --> 00:40:03,360 Speaker 1: the video you saw, but he it was. It was 648 00:40:03,440 --> 00:40:08,320 Speaker 1: obviously some type of situation. Um, I'm not going to 649 00:40:08,400 --> 00:40:11,000 Speaker 1: go into detail because I don't know. I really have 650 00:40:11,360 --> 00:40:14,719 Speaker 1: no idea. And the way that the streets work, I've 651 00:40:14,719 --> 00:40:18,520 Speaker 1: heard ten different stories. It changes every time I speak 652 00:40:18,560 --> 00:40:21,880 Speaker 1: to somebody else. But then obviously was some type of 653 00:40:21,920 --> 00:40:30,200 Speaker 1: situation because we are the guy pulled up and he 654 00:40:29,000 --> 00:40:32,640 Speaker 1: m he took the gun from out of the hood 655 00:40:32,680 --> 00:40:36,120 Speaker 1: of his car. It's on video. He gets out, he 656 00:40:36,200 --> 00:40:38,879 Speaker 1: pops the hood of his car and takes the gun 657 00:40:38,960 --> 00:40:41,719 Speaker 1: out very not even trying to conceal it, like just 658 00:40:41,760 --> 00:40:44,239 Speaker 1: basically down at his side, and like you said, his 659 00:40:44,320 --> 00:40:48,600 Speaker 1: face wasn't um disguise or anything. It was twelve sixteen 660 00:40:48,640 --> 00:40:53,960 Speaker 1: in an afternoon. But um, yes, so it was personal, 661 00:40:54,239 --> 00:40:58,480 Speaker 1: but personal could look like a bunch of things, like 662 00:40:58,520 --> 00:41:01,240 Speaker 1: I said, me from Harlem. He worked, he was working 663 00:41:01,280 --> 00:41:04,000 Speaker 1: in Queens. He had only started working in Queens for 664 00:41:04,160 --> 00:41:06,880 Speaker 1: about a little over a month or maybe two months 665 00:41:06,920 --> 00:41:11,560 Speaker 1: at that time. And you know he worked on construction sites, 666 00:41:11,600 --> 00:41:14,160 Speaker 1: so wherever the construction sites took him, which was all 667 00:41:14,200 --> 00:41:18,120 Speaker 1: about rows. Whatever the case may be, that he couldn't 668 00:41:18,160 --> 00:41:21,439 Speaker 1: have some type of beef within that time frame. But 669 00:41:21,880 --> 00:41:26,440 Speaker 1: it's so many things that bring you know, there's so 670 00:41:26,440 --> 00:41:29,319 Speaker 1: many different topics. It could have been mental health, right, 671 00:41:29,840 --> 00:41:34,440 Speaker 1: people get bumped nowadays and they take it whatever a 672 00:41:34,560 --> 00:41:39,600 Speaker 1: small argument. Who knows? Who knows? I do know that 673 00:41:41,840 --> 00:41:45,719 Speaker 1: I feel like it couldn't have been anything super serious. 674 00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:48,360 Speaker 1: And the reason why I say that is because or 675 00:41:48,360 --> 00:41:54,560 Speaker 1: at least super serious to my husband, because he came 676 00:41:54,600 --> 00:41:57,520 Speaker 1: from the shoots. You understand what I'm saying. If it 677 00:41:57,600 --> 00:41:59,560 Speaker 1: was anything that he needed to be on point one, 678 00:41:59,640 --> 00:42:02,160 Speaker 1: he was the king of one point like head on 679 00:42:02,160 --> 00:42:06,200 Speaker 1: a swivel, see what I'm saying. So it obviously was 680 00:42:06,239 --> 00:42:12,880 Speaker 1: something that he didn't take would results and that even 681 00:42:12,920 --> 00:42:17,640 Speaker 1: close to that, does that make sense? Have been different 682 00:42:17,840 --> 00:42:19,880 Speaker 1: because you feel like it was a situation that he 683 00:42:19,920 --> 00:42:22,840 Speaker 1: would have been aware of it and on point with 684 00:42:22,960 --> 00:42:29,280 Speaker 1: it a thousand percent, right, thousand percent. And I'm telling 685 00:42:29,320 --> 00:42:34,120 Speaker 1: you for you know, I was working for who seventeen 686 00:42:34,239 --> 00:42:39,919 Speaker 1: years m this is what I know. This concludes part 687 00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:44,239 Speaker 1: one of this week's episode. Please stay tuned for part two, 688 00:42:44,680 --> 00:42:48,840 Speaker 1: dropping next Tuesday. Until next time, everyone Later,