Speaker 1: The reason why family therapy is so important is because
Speaker 1: the more impact you can have within the system, then
Speaker 1: the more change will happen, and the more sustainable that
Speaker 1: change can be. So when families are all kind of
Speaker 1: working together and they're all pulling towards the same thing,
Speaker 1: they're all co creating the same future or the same
Speaker 1: kind of future, it becomes more dynamic and more powerful.
Speaker 1: So family therapy is an incredibly important part of the
Speaker 1: therapy process because you just have more change happening within
Speaker 1: the system. I'm Elia Connie, and this is family therapy.
Speaker 1: I spent a lot of my youth trying to think
Speaker 1: of how to end my life. When I came out
Speaker 1: of that situation with a complete understanding that that pain
Speaker 1: is a part of life, and that when you find
Speaker 1: your purpose within your pain, it doesn't hurt anymore, and
Speaker 1: that suffering is unnecessary. And I went to graduate school
Speaker 1: so that I could learn how to help other people
Speaker 1: learn that. And unfortunately, in graduate school, I learned about
Speaker 1: theory and problems, and I didn't learn what I was
Speaker 1: hoping to learn, which is like how to help people
Speaker 1: overcome absolutely anything that happens in their lives. And it
Speaker 1: lit a fire under me, Like I wanted so badly
Speaker 1: to create healing in the world that that's the journey
Speaker 1: that I set on, Like that was the purpose for
Speaker 1: me going to graduate school, and that was the reason
Speaker 1: for me becoming a psychotherapist. I genuinely want to create
Speaker 1: healing in this world, and that's what guides all my work.
Speaker 1: I think human beings are so remarkable and amazing and
Speaker 1: there's nothing in the world more powerful than hope. But
Speaker 1: most psychotherapy approaches are about, like you meet people and
Speaker 1: you assess them for what's wrong with them, And that
Speaker 1: just did not sit right with me. And right when
Speaker 1: I was going to quit graduate school because I couldn't
Speaker 1: imagine myself doing that for the rest of my career,
Speaker 1: I came across this book that literally had two pages
Speaker 1: about the solution focused brief therapy that's based on hope.
Speaker 1: We literally ask our clients what they hope to achieve,
Speaker 1: because we understand the most powerful thing in the world
Speaker 1: is a hope for future. Doesn't really matter what your
Speaker 1: origin story is, and I can give you thousands of
Speaker 1: examples of people with a tragic and traumatic origin story
Speaker 1: that ended up living some sort of profound hero story.
Speaker 1: So we ask people about their hope for future, and
Speaker 1: I got excited about that, And that's really what solution
Speaker 1: focused brief therapy is all about harnessing the resources that
Speaker 1: you have and using those resources to craft a more
Speaker 1: desirable future. And I love it. Like when you listen
Speaker 1: to these conversations that we're going to be having on
Speaker 1: this podcast, you're going to hear people talk about the
Speaker 1: future that they want to achieve, and when we talk
Speaker 1: about their current circumstances or the past pains and traumas,
Speaker 1: we're going to talk about the resources they have that
Speaker 1: they could use to create a better future for themselves.
Speaker 1: The family I've been honored to work with has been incredible.
Speaker 1: It includes three family members, Jay, David, and Freddie. Jay
Speaker 1: is the woman in this dynamic who is currently co
Speaker 1: parenting two young boys with their former partner David while
Speaker 1: navigating the fragments of their very recent separation. And Freddie,
Speaker 1: Jay's father, who plays a role in her life and
Speaker 1: her psyche. We will learn more about how their bond
Speaker 1: parallels with her current relationship. Jay is a beacon of strength,
Speaker 1: yet is stuck in the web of her own doubts
Speaker 1: and struggles. She has been overwhelmed with life, and like
Speaker 1: many women, she finds herself in a situation where she
Speaker 1: has put her happiness to the side for the sake
Speaker 1: of her children, her partner, and other people around her.
Speaker 1: Jay finds herself at a crossroad. The echoes of her
Speaker 1: own desires grow louder, urging her to reclaim the essence
Speaker 1: of who she truly is. Yet the path ahead is
Speaker 1: complicated and fraught with questions. What does this mean for
Speaker 1: her relationships, her role as a parent, her career, and
Speaker 1: her journey towards healing. In this delicate dance of self discovery,
Speaker 1: Jay embarks on a quest to rediscover herself, to reclaim
Speaker 1: her dreams, and to find happiness within. Join us as
Speaker 1: we bear witness to her vulnerability and her unwavering resolve
Speaker 1: to rewrite the script of her life. We spend a
Speaker 1: little bit of time in the session getting to know
Speaker 1: one another. And I would like you to hear that.
Speaker 1: Can I just ask you a few questions, get to
Speaker 1: know you a bit, Would that be all right?
Speaker 2: Sure?
Speaker 1: And are you married?
Speaker 2: Now? Okay?
Speaker 1: Do you have a partner?
Speaker 3: I have a I guess you could call them a partner.
Speaker 2: Sure?
Speaker 1: What's his name? David, what do you think he hoped
Speaker 1: you achieved from talking with me today? Like if I
Speaker 1: called David right now and I said, Hey, man, I'm
Speaker 1: talking to Jay, what do you hope she gets from this?
Speaker 1: What do you imagine he would say?
Speaker 3: As far as I don't know, whatever she wants, I
Speaker 3: don't think that he would give you a very clear answer.
Speaker 1: If he did. What do you what do you think
Speaker 1: he would want for you?
Speaker 3: I think he just wants me to be happy with
Speaker 3: whatever I'm going through and happy in my day to
Speaker 3: day life.
Speaker 1: So how long has been together?
Speaker 3: Ten years?
Speaker 1: Any kids?
Speaker 2: Two?
Speaker 3: Two boys?
Speaker 1: How old?
Speaker 3: Five and one?
Speaker 1: Five and one?
Speaker 4: Wow?
Speaker 1: Okay it's a busy ages, yes, very busy. And Jay,
Speaker 1: what do you do for a living?
Speaker 3: I'm an analyst at a bank.
Speaker 1: What does an analyst and a bank do well?
Speaker 3: I guess the analyst that I am, I deal with
Speaker 3: mostly high network clients and making sure that we know
Speaker 3: who they are and we have the evidence to support
Speaker 3: that they are who they say they are and they
Speaker 3: made their money the way that they say they made
Speaker 3: their money.
Speaker 1: What's what's a dollar amount for a high network client?
Speaker 3: It can range but primarily over five million dollars network.
Speaker 1: Do you enjoy that work?
Speaker 3: No, but my job is important. It allows me to
Speaker 3: have flexibility in my schedule. It allows me to pay
Speaker 3: my bills, take care of my family. It's not the
Speaker 3: most exciting job, but it is. It allows me to
Speaker 3: be what I need to be in this time of
Speaker 3: my life.
Speaker 2: Oh.
Speaker 1: Wow, if you could be any job in the world,
Speaker 1: you can have any career, you anything in the world.
Speaker 2: What would it be?
Speaker 3: I would invest more in real estate and I would
Speaker 3: manage the properties that I invest in.
Speaker 1: Oh and do you already do that? You said more,
Speaker 1: so it makes me think you do it something I started.
Speaker 3: I have one property in Baltimore and then the house
Speaker 3: that I live in now is a two families, so
Speaker 3: it's sort of like an investment property.
Speaker 1: And do you enjoy that?
Speaker 3: I do. I like talking with people and I like
Speaker 3: making money. So I would also probably have some type
Speaker 3: of job that allows I used to do lash extensions
Speaker 3: and I used to do hair so I enjoy helping
Speaker 3: women feel better about themselves, so I would have that
Speaker 3: as part of my lifestyle some capacity as well.
Speaker 1: And have you always been like that? Someone who enjoys
Speaker 1: helping women feel better about themselves. Yeah, oh that's amazing. Okay,
Speaker 1: what do you do for fun?
Speaker 3: I guess spend time with friends and family when I
Speaker 3: can go out, maybe to a movie or I'll teat
Speaker 3: but I don't really go out that much. I'm be
Speaker 3: very honest with you. So you asked me what I
Speaker 3: do for fun, I'm like, I don't know. Be a
Speaker 3: parent of two small children.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, hard like a five year old and a
Speaker 1: one year older. Not easy to find alone mom time.
Speaker 1: No yeah, yeah, you mentioned like you like spending time
Speaker 1: with friends. How come what is it about spending time
Speaker 1: with friends that you value?
Speaker 3: It allows me to be Jay and not mom, not
Speaker 3: an employee, not a business owner, just me.
Speaker 1: Who is Jay?
Speaker 3: Who is Jane? Jay is the woman that I used
Speaker 3: to be. I mean, I'm still her, but she doesn't
Speaker 3: really get a lot of attention these days. But she
Speaker 3: is someone who is very thoughtful, who likes to ask questions,
Speaker 3: who likes to learn, who likes to be active, not
Speaker 3: as active as I used to be, who likes adventure,
Speaker 3: and who likes to try new things.
Speaker 1: M an odd question, but do you miss that Jay?
Speaker 4: Yes?
Speaker 1: And if somehow she came back, would you be pleased?
Speaker 1: I'm not sure how like life is different. You got
Speaker 1: too littles, and you know as if somehow that Jay
Speaker 1: came back, would you be pleased?
Speaker 3: I would, I think I think I would.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Oh my gosh, okay, And you mentioned she was active.
Speaker 1: What kind of active was that Jay?
Speaker 3: Well, I used to exercise a lot. I was in
Speaker 3: a military, so it was part of you know, my
Speaker 3: lifestyle and the military, but also just something that I
Speaker 3: really enjoyed. That part of my life is not really present,
Speaker 3: and it's not really so much that I don't have
Speaker 3: the time because I couldn't make time for it. I
Speaker 3: just haven't consistently done so. But I like to I
Speaker 3: like to be outdoors. I like to work out. I
Speaker 3: used to do like some type of CrossFit stuff, so
Speaker 3: I really enjoyed that, and I was kind of like
Speaker 3: outdoor workouts when weather permit. I've thought about doing like
Speaker 3: tough motters and things of that nature, but I haven't
Speaker 3: done one. But those are the type of things that
Speaker 3: I like.
Speaker 1: What brings to the military.
Speaker 3: I was in the Army National Guard.
Speaker 1: Did you enjoy that.
Speaker 3: Some components of it? Yes?
Speaker 1: What did you do in the military, Well.
Speaker 3: My MOS was military police, so what is MOS?
Speaker 1: I'm a civilian. I don't know the acronym.
Speaker 3: Sorry, yeah, it's okay. It just basically that's just whatever.
Speaker 3: Your job is a specific occupation.
Speaker 1: How long did you serve?
Speaker 3: Seven years?
Speaker 1: Wow? Wow, it's amazing. As can sometimes be the case
Speaker 1: with men, there's a tremendous societal pressure to be strong, confident,
Speaker 1: be a provider and at different parts of his life,
Speaker 1: David has been all of those things, as he was
Speaker 1: a very successful athlete in college and professionally. But it
Speaker 1: is also the case with men. What do we do
Speaker 1: when we struggle? What do we do when we fall down,
Speaker 1: when we get depressed, when we start experiencing failure. There's
Speaker 1: a tremendous amount of judgment and stigma, and it has
Speaker 1: an impact on us. And I think this journey for
Speaker 1: David is about how do I acknowledge that I've been
Speaker 1: struggling and reclaim my confidence and my strength so I
Speaker 1: can get back to being the version of myself that
Speaker 1: I would like to be. I think I think that's
Speaker 1: what this journey is about for David, and I think
Speaker 1: a lot of men can resonate with that, because what
Speaker 1: do we do when we're struggling David is going to
Speaker 1: show you a window into what to do when we're
Speaker 1: struggling and how to reclaim that best part of yourself. David,
Speaker 1: can I spend a few minutes's kind of getting to
Speaker 1: know you a bit?
Speaker 2: Sure?
Speaker 1: So you said you're a former athlete, what's for it?
Speaker 2: M I played football, played football.
Speaker 1: Okay, high school college more than that.
Speaker 5: So yes, I played high school for the first time
Speaker 5: ever playing organized football.
Speaker 2: Was high school, did.
Speaker 5: Very very well, earned a full scholarship, while I chose
Speaker 5: my college, and I played at the Ohio State University,
Speaker 5: won the national championship. Wow, wind up, wind up playing
Speaker 5: for a few NFL teams, played overseas, hurt my shoulder,
Speaker 5: multiple operations on my left shoulder, and then football was
Speaker 5: over with.
Speaker 1: Wow.
Speaker 2: Yeah, football was over with?
Speaker 1: What position?
Speaker 2: I played? Deepensive tackle? Wow?
Speaker 1: Man, that's incredible. And to go to Ohio State and
Speaker 1: then play in the NFL, you must have been pretty good?
Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2: I was pretty good. Very yeah, I was pretty good.
Speaker 1: And you also mean to play for the Ohio State University,
Speaker 1: you must have one You must have had one hell
Speaker 1: of a fire lit underneath you to do that.
Speaker 5: Absolutely, Yes, I sure did. Because my senior year we
Speaker 5: went out defeated, so we was fourteen and oh, first
Speaker 5: team in college history at that time that went fourteen
Speaker 5: and oh and won a national championship. So yes, definitely
Speaker 5: had a fire lit underneath me even when I started
Speaker 5: playing professional, because I was always said, you know, growing
Speaker 5: up in the inner City, I had teachers. I'll never
Speaker 5: forget this. One of my eighth grade teachers said, you're
Speaker 5: gonna drop out by your sophomore year. You ain't gonna
Speaker 5: do this, and you ain't gonna do that. And then
Speaker 5: I remember my junior year running track. He was a
Speaker 5: track coach and there was a lot of college scouts
Speaker 5: there for football. They thought it was there from track,
Speaker 5: and it was like they keep asking them about this
Speaker 5: kid David, and I overheard him because I was doing
Speaker 5: well in track too, and I overheard him and I
Speaker 5: was like, yeah, and I shouldn't have did in. My
Speaker 5: coach said why do you do that? I was like nah,
Speaker 5: I had to let him know, and I say, yeah,
Speaker 5: they're here from me, remember me. Yeah, and all Americans, y'all,
Speaker 5: all them coaches up there to see me go this
Speaker 5: shot put and it's this and this is my first
Speaker 5: year doing it and I'm already third in the county.
Speaker 2: Like, yeah, yeah, that's what they're talking about.
Speaker 1: What was that like for you? To get that kind
Speaker 1: of attention when other people were doubting you so much?
Speaker 5: Felt good because I was seeing all my hard work
Speaker 5: pay off. And I'm talking about hitting the weight room
Speaker 5: all summer going into my junior year, putting on thirty
Speaker 5: pounds of muscle playing. I moved because I love basketball,
Speaker 5: so I played on multiple summer leagues. I just kept
Speaker 5: myself busy, and I knew that I got to set
Speaker 5: the right example because my little brothers is watching and
Speaker 5: we only a year apart as far as like grade wise,
Speaker 5: it was a year apart, So you know, I just
Speaker 5: kept kept pushing, kept pushing, and a lot of responsibility
Speaker 5: fell on me. You know, the oldest boy. I got
Speaker 5: two oldest sisters, single family home. But this other guys's
Speaker 5: looking around on the team and they're seeing it, and
Speaker 5: I'm letting them know, like, yeah, man, I grew up
Speaker 5: right around the corner, grew up in the projects, you know,
Speaker 5: and I'm still able to come out of here and
Speaker 5: get all the way to Ohio State University. But I
Speaker 5: knew I didn't want to go to the military, like
Speaker 5: my father said. I was like, I'm not going to
Speaker 5: nobody's army. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it.
Speaker 5: And then I was like, yo, I want to go
Speaker 5: to college and he was like my father told me like,
Speaker 5: and I'll never forget this my sophomore year because it
Speaker 5: hurt my feelings. And my mother and sister was in
Speaker 5: the kitchen and I'm talking to him on the phone.
Speaker 5: He said, you ain't going to no college with no football, God,
Speaker 5: this and this and that, and I said, I ain't
Speaker 5: watch me. I'm gonna show you so right then and
Speaker 5: near like to get the doubt from a teacher and
Speaker 5: didn't get the doubts from your dad. And I love
Speaker 5: my father to death rest in peace, though, but we
Speaker 5: don't have our bumps. But when he told me that
Speaker 5: it was over, that was it. Never looked back, never
Speaker 5: looked back.
Speaker 1: What did you say? He grew up in the inner city.
Speaker 1: What city was it?
Speaker 2: H Patterson, New Jersey, Pattison.
Speaker 1: New Jersey.
Speaker 5: Okay, yeah, I grew up and then my former project
Speaker 5: they tore it down, was Chrispurgh Columbus Projects.
Speaker 2: Grew up there. Then I moved to the infamous Fourth War.
Speaker 1: Wow, I mean, that's that's incredible, David. And right now,
Speaker 1: what do you do for a living?
Speaker 5: Right now, I'm in sales. I'm in furniture sales. But
Speaker 5: I've always been in I always loved sales. I didn't
Speaker 5: want to go into the teaching field, like the whole
Speaker 5: side of my mother family in there, because I think
Speaker 5: that's the competitiveness of me playing sports. I can't sit
Speaker 5: behind a desk. I need to be moving. My personality,
Speaker 5: I love talking to people. I could talk to anybody
Speaker 5: that's it's me. So I was like, I gotta go
Speaker 5: into sales, and my father did sales. Me and my
Speaker 5: father got similar personalities when they come to people. No
Speaker 5: matter where we at, we would spark a conversation with
Speaker 5: a total stranger and we could talk for days.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 2: So that's why I went into sales. So right now
Speaker 2: I do furniture.
Speaker 5: I started off one company in sales, excelled at that
Speaker 5: like top guy in the company, then went into management.
Speaker 5: Let that company went to took some time more because
Speaker 5: I was having my son.
Speaker 1: How many kids.
Speaker 2: I have a daughter that's sixteen.
Speaker 5: She lives with her mother in Florida and I got
Speaker 5: two boys, a five year old and nineteen months twenty months,
Speaker 5: so something like that.
Speaker 1: Than almost two excellent. Now, look you said something I'm
Speaker 1: intrigued by is when you're growing up in the projects
Speaker 1: in Patterson, New Jersey, the chances of you or anybody
Speaker 1: ending up in a university like Ohio State athlete or
Speaker 1: not are very very low.
Speaker 2: Yes, what absolutely, I want you.
Speaker 1: To think for a moment, like what personality, trait or
Speaker 1: what do you have inside of you that made you
Speaker 1: one of the kinds of people that could make that leap,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, that could get yourself from
Speaker 1: one environment to another. Very incredibly hard thing to do.
Speaker 2: It is one thing.
Speaker 5: Uh, my moms didn't play around about us in school,
Speaker 5: right to my oldest sister's very intelligent, very smart, she's
Speaker 5: an attorney.
Speaker 2: Uh. And then I just you know, I own when
Speaker 2: we was younger, younger, we did a lot of stuff
Speaker 2: with family, and a lot of my family, especially on
Speaker 2: my mother's.
Speaker 5: Side, all in college went to HBCUs and you know,
Speaker 5: just had us around and I always like, oh that's cool.
Speaker 5: Like I always was big on like the HPCU. Like
Speaker 5: I was like, yo, I'm gonna go to a black college. Shit, whynot,
Speaker 5: Like you know what I'm saying, like, yo, I see it.
Speaker 2: And then even my dad, like he was always honest about, Yo,
Speaker 2: get your school work.
Speaker 5: You gotta know your math, gotta know how to read,
Speaker 5: know your mathematics, stuff like that. You gotta get good
Speaker 5: grades so we can get a job. So I just
Speaker 5: always kept that in the back of my mind. And
Speaker 5: then I just at some point in time, not like
Speaker 5: saying I'm perfect and I was innocent or anything like that,
Speaker 5: but at some point in time, like I was like, oh,
Speaker 5: I'm go to jail. That's one two. I don't want
Speaker 5: to be killed, right. So I just got into sports,
Speaker 5: and then you know, a lot of community around me,
Speaker 5: like family and stuffs made sure because, like I said,
Speaker 5: my older sister smart you know, in school college. And
Speaker 5: then you know my other sister that's right under me,
Speaker 5: she was a smart, talented, but she was the street one.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 5: So my uncles, godfather, cousins and stuff, that's made sure.
Speaker 5: Like Yo, we told my mother like yo, we got
Speaker 5: the boys, like you know, put them in this sport
Speaker 5: or we're gonna take them there.
Speaker 2: Let them. It's exposing us two different things.
Speaker 5: Going to my seeing my cousins graduate high school, and
Speaker 5: just putting us around athletes, because even though we was
Speaker 5: in a project, a lot of athletes came out of there.
Speaker 5: Some of them did go to colleges, not big schools,
Speaker 5: but they did, but a lot of athletes didn't. So
Speaker 5: I saw that, so I was like, yo, it is possible.
Speaker 5: But the college bug didn't really bite me, bite me
Speaker 5: for sports until I got to high school.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: That's when it really like all day, you can really
Speaker 2: take this to another level. Because if you want.
Speaker 5: To go to school and you don't want to work
Speaker 5: like your sister is a't going to college, that that's
Speaker 5: just not I feel like y'all wouldn't be able to
Speaker 5: do that. You gotta play sports, excel at it, goot
Speaker 5: good grades when you can get a free ride.
Speaker 1: I want to tell you about the third party in
Speaker 1: this process, which is Jay's father named Freddie. And you know,
Speaker 1: a lot of people have made a lot of mistakes
Speaker 1: in their life, and some of those mistakes include drug addiction, incarceration,
Speaker 1: some of the trappings of inner city life, and Freddie
Speaker 1: is certainly an example of this. But the beautiful thing
Speaker 1: about Freddie is he's come out on the other side
Speaker 1: and is willing to acknowledge that there are some things
Speaker 1: he has to do to get back to the family
Speaker 1: that he has hurt over the years. And I think
Speaker 1: one of the hardest things ever, is how do you
Speaker 1: acknowledge fault, ask for forgiveness, and behave in a way
Speaker 1: that's more in line with who you want to be.
Speaker 1: And that's what Freddy's going to show us as he
Speaker 1: courageously goes about trying to reconnect with his children and
Speaker 1: his grandchildren while acknowledging he's done some things that cause
Speaker 1: hurt over the years. So I talked to you earlier
Speaker 1: today on your job. What is it you do for
Speaker 1: a living?
Speaker 4: I do mainly carpeentering construction.
Speaker 1: Okay, where'd you learn how to do that?
Speaker 6: Uh? And men a partner Jersey. I worked with this
Speaker 6: guy for like, I don't know, seven years. He was like,
Speaker 6: it's like some people.
Speaker 4: Afraid to teach you know what I'm saying. And he
Speaker 4: wasn't afraid to teach me.
Speaker 6: Like, once I learned how to do this, he taught
Speaker 6: me another step, you know what I mean. And sometimes
Speaker 6: people will only teach you but so much, you know
Speaker 6: what I mean. So you won't step out on your
Speaker 6: own and do your own thing, you know what I mean.
Speaker 6: He wasn't afraid to, you know, to teach me even
Speaker 6: if that happened. You know, he wasn't you know, he
Speaker 6: was that type of guy.
Speaker 1: Do you enjoy it the work you do?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 1: I do.
Speaker 4: I enjoyed too much today though?
Speaker 1: What about have you ever tried therapy before? Is this
Speaker 1: your first time doing therapy?
Speaker 2: Well?
Speaker 4: No, not not really. I used to have sessions with
Speaker 4: in this program. I always Uh, I don't know. I try.
Speaker 6: Some people I just something I can talk to simply
Speaker 6: about this, and some people I can talk to something
Speaker 6: about that. I can't talk to one person about this internet, right,
Speaker 6: I don't know that makes any.
Speaker 1: Sense, That makes perfect sense. I understand that anything else
Speaker 1: you'd like to see in your life change as a
Speaker 1: result of us talking, uh.
Speaker 4: Primarily my whole entire family.
Speaker 6: Like I don't really gotta like a day to day
Speaker 6: got a relationship with my kids, like like talk to
Speaker 6: him every day or every every week, you know, I
Speaker 6: don't want to got to improve greatly?
Speaker 1: Okay? How many kids you got?
Speaker 4: Seven?
Speaker 1: Okay? And and you would like I heard you say
Speaker 1: you'd like that to improve greatly? Is that right?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Okay, what difference did it make for you if these
Speaker 1: relationships were improve greatly?
Speaker 4: Mm hmm. And speaking as a.
Speaker 6: Human being, I would, you know, love the joy with
Speaker 6: my family every day, you know what I mean, talking
Speaker 6: to him grandkids.
Speaker 4: I think initially it's primarily my fault, you know.
Speaker 6: Now, I'm not put forth enough initiative to call him
Speaker 6: every day to see how they do when I travel up,
Speaker 6: you know what I mean. And I think that's one
Speaker 6: thing I'm really lacking, Like I let one day turn
Speaker 6: into two days. If I know it was a week,
Speaker 6: now damn it's a month. God, you know that's six months,
Speaker 6: like oh jeez. And then when I like, dude, call
Speaker 6: like this, every someone reluctant, you know, right, tales you
Speaker 6: know what I mean?
Speaker 1: So do they do you think they know? Do you
Speaker 1: think these seven kids know how much you want to
Speaker 1: have a relationship with them, like a daily or weekly
Speaker 1: relationship with them?
Speaker 6: Quite sure they know, but I'm not making the effort
Speaker 6: to make sure that we do have a relationship like that.
Speaker 6: I know it's like a phone, we're both ways, but
Speaker 6: I should have more initiative on uh, try to develop
Speaker 6: relationship again, you.
Speaker 4: Know what I mean?
Speaker 6: Yeah, older to me and older to them as much
Speaker 6: as you know as anybody else.
Speaker 1: Okay, how would it make a difference in your life
Speaker 1: to have this these kind of relationship with these seven kids?
Speaker 1: How would you make a difference for you?
Speaker 6: I think it's more than having men dies, I think,
Speaker 6: and this brings happiness in my life. So much things
Speaker 6: seending me missing out of my life, and I think
Speaker 6: those are the major major things that I listen, listen.
Speaker 1: I asked people what their best hopes are because in
Speaker 1: order for me to do therapy, I need to know
Speaker 1: what their desired outcome is. That's probably the very difference
Speaker 1: between the way that I do therapy and most traditional psychotherapists,
Speaker 1: because most traditional psychotherapists need to know the problem, and
Speaker 1: I don't need to know the problem. I just need
Speaker 1: to know the hope. I need to know the hope
Speaker 1: for future. And if I can understand the hope for future,
Speaker 1: then I can start doing therapy. David, what are your
Speaker 1: best hopes from talking with.
Speaker 2: Me trying to figure everything out?
Speaker 5: You know, hopefully this can help put me on a.
Speaker 2: Better track on what's going on with me and Jake.
Speaker 5: You know, just trying to get more clarity and you know,
Speaker 5: maybe put a little fire underneath me.
Speaker 2: I think that's what I'm trying to get out of this.
Speaker 2: You know, it.
Speaker 5: Definitely needs to be some changes on my end and
Speaker 5: just us as a you know, relationship and this family
Speaker 5: things of that nature.
Speaker 2: Very open minded, so I'm willing to do whatever it takes.
Speaker 1: Okay, how would you know you had a fire lit
Speaker 1: underneath you, David? Like, what would be what would be
Speaker 1: a sign to you that this led to a fire
Speaker 1: being lit underneath you?
Speaker 5: Behavior changes, being more assertive with certain things, and you know,
Speaker 5: even a little bit more disciplined on certain aspects of
Speaker 5: my life. I think that'll let me know because it
Speaker 5: used to be there, right, and then some somewhere down
Speaker 5: the line, and you.
Speaker 2: Know, it fizzled out a little bit, and I know it.
Speaker 5: I can see it sometimes and then I have flashes
Speaker 5: of it. But I needed to be lit and keep
Speaker 5: on going because I'm a former athlete, so I know
Speaker 5: I know when that fire is lit.
Speaker 2: I know when it's lit.
Speaker 1: Yeah, all right, So if somehow talking to me lit
Speaker 1: that fire and that the discipline and behavior changes happen,
Speaker 1: you'd be pleased.
Speaker 2: Yes, absolutely, Jay.
Speaker 1: What are your best hopes from talking with me?
Speaker 3: My best hopes I guess that I get a little
Speaker 3: bit more clarity on the things that I want and
Speaker 3: what I'm working towards, because come a little more clear
Speaker 3: to me.
Speaker 1: How would you know you had clarity.
Speaker 3: Once I've defined, like a very clear strategy. I guess,
Speaker 3: in a clear goal, what.
Speaker 1: Difference would it make for you to have clarity about
Speaker 1: these strategies and.
Speaker 3: Goals so I can know how I want to move
Speaker 3: forward with this relationship, how I want to I guess
Speaker 3: identify the life that I want and work towards it,
Speaker 3: because sometimes I feel like I know, and then sometimes
Speaker 3: I feel like I don't know.
Speaker 1: In those times when you feel like you do know,
Speaker 1: what's it like?
Speaker 3: It's nice, it's peaceful, it's it's like it just makes sense.
Speaker 3: Things make sense. There's no there's no like double back,
Speaker 3: and no doubting myself. It's just like, this is what
Speaker 3: I'm doing and I'm going towards it, okay.
Speaker 1: And instead of doubting yourself, what's happening? Instead in those moments.
Speaker 3: Confidence, confident in the choices that I'm making and making
Speaker 3: things happen.
Speaker 1: And Are you pleased in those moments?
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think so.
Speaker 1: So if I could help you, you know somehow as
Speaker 1: a result of us talking you had that peace and
Speaker 1: that clarity and that confidence, would you be pleased? Yes, yes, Freddie.
Speaker 1: What are your best hope from talking with me?
Speaker 6: Well, life has love pushers and pulls them, just trying
Speaker 6: to figure what's where you know, I long ago, you
Speaker 6: know what I mean? Hopefully that could be self resolution
Speaker 6: with a few issues that I.
Speaker 7: Have, moving that you give me some more pointers on
Speaker 7: how to be go directly at the issue and follow
Speaker 7: up on, you know, do what I say I'm gonna
Speaker 7: do when I say I'm gonna do it.
Speaker 1: That's if I gave pointers that you could follow up
Speaker 1: on and do do these things, you'd be pleased.
Speaker 6: And somewhat, yeah, she would. I'm just saying I'm having
Speaker 6: a real issue with my son though, like uh, we're
Speaker 6: going we had each other's throats like he's like thirty five.
Speaker 6: I think it's a psychic mostly like trying childhood trauma.
Speaker 4: Maybe.
Speaker 6: I think that's one of the issues that's happening with
Speaker 6: him too. I guess I'm having some traumas too, because
Speaker 6: I guess like, because he was fourteen years years old when.
Speaker 1: I left, When you left, where'd you go?
Speaker 4: I'm moving to Florida?
Speaker 1: Okay? How long were you gone?
Speaker 4: Oh like ten years?
Speaker 1: About ten years? He was fourteen and he was twenty
Speaker 1: four when you when you came back. Did you see
Speaker 1: him at all in the ten years between?
Speaker 4: No?
Speaker 1: No? Okay. Did you reconnect with him when he was
Speaker 1: twenty four when he came back?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Okay, how'd that go?
Speaker 4: So?
Speaker 6: So little resentment, then it was a little happiness, and
Speaker 6: then it was a little resentment.
Speaker 1: Okay. What would you like to see happens to your
Speaker 1: relationship with your son?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 1: If if I could do a really really good job
Speaker 1: and make a difference in your relationship with your son,
Speaker 1: what difference would you like to see happen.
Speaker 6: I just hope that we could get be friends again,
Speaker 6: be the father and son again, and just be have
Speaker 6: a relationship again.
Speaker 2: Period.
Speaker 1: Okay, So, Freddie, if I could help you and your
Speaker 1: son have a relationship again, that's kind of like father
Speaker 1: starting friendly again, you'd be pleased, it's indeed. Okay, what else, Freddy?
Speaker 1: What else can I help you with?
Speaker 4: Oh? I guess all the goals that I try to
Speaker 4: achieve my life.
Speaker 6: Uh, you know, for one minute they saw they I
Speaker 6: reached them, and then there's another setback. Then I working
Speaker 6: again for somebody that's got working the day.
Speaker 4: Then my back is hurting so bad.
Speaker 1: I mean, can I ask you a really import in question. Sure,
Speaker 1: and and please if I offend you, let me know,
Speaker 1: because that's not my intention. But I get the impression,
Speaker 1: and you didn't say this, so correct me if I'm wrong.
Speaker 1: I get the impression that you don't feel like you've
Speaker 1: done everything right as a father. Is that true?
Speaker 4: That's true, and I'm not offending bout it.
Speaker 6: I think as being a man in life, do everything
Speaker 6: is possible for your kids as far as you know, financial, emotionally,
Speaker 6: you know, you know, expects of dislike and I think
Speaker 6: I felt kind of short and a.
Speaker 4: Lot of areas, you know. Not to say that I
Speaker 4: was the worst father in the world.
Speaker 6: I know we did a lot. I did a lot
Speaker 6: of things some joyful times in our lives, you know
Speaker 6: what I mean. I have to say that, Oh, men
Speaker 6: think they fall short in some aspects, you know what
Speaker 6: I mean.
Speaker 4: But I think I just fell short and more than
Speaker 4: most men in this world.
Speaker 1: And thank you for saying that, And I guess what
Speaker 1: I want to ask you is if you woke up
Speaker 1: tomorrow as the version of yourself that you want to be,
Speaker 1: as the version of yourself as a father that you
Speaker 1: want to be, how would your kids know it?
Speaker 4: I guess by.
Speaker 6: Me showing the more, being more attentive in their life,
Speaker 6: you know what I mean, being a part of the.
Speaker 4: Activities, Uh, in a way where you know, like you
Speaker 4: was just there, you know what I mean. Sometime you's
Speaker 4: got to be this just did I can't really say
Speaker 4: I'm a part of his life, you know, like like
Speaker 4: let me you say you know me? Right, Okay? If
Speaker 4: you know me, then uh, I would you would know.
Speaker 6: My daily functions in the day, the events that I
Speaker 6: got your planning, you know what I mean?
Speaker 4: And what's you know? Even to like the favor that
Speaker 4: were favorite serial? You know what I mean?
Speaker 6: Things like that I don't know, you know what I mean,
Speaker 6: Like and I think that's probably be the top of
Speaker 6: my list, you know what I mean? Like this like
Speaker 6: they say to say I know you, you know, just you know,
Speaker 6: I know I know you. You know what I mean
Speaker 6: For me to say I know you, I don't you know,
Speaker 6: I know you. I love you. But and uh, but
Speaker 6: I don't really know your your events of the day,
Speaker 6: you know what I mean, or your events of yesterday,
Speaker 6: you know what I mean, your eventsive for tomorrow.
Speaker 4: That's not I say. You know, I know you, you
Speaker 4: know what I mean.
Speaker 1: Would you like to know your children in that way?
Speaker 4: Absolutely?
Speaker 1: What's the first thing if you walk to tomorrow man
Speaker 1: as as as the best version of you as a father.
Speaker 1: What's the first thing you would do to join their
Speaker 1: lives in that way? How would you do it?
Speaker 4: Well? Just by doing things with them today? It ain't
Speaker 4: nothing but going to the to.
Speaker 6: The fish balk against a fist, half dinner, you know
Speaker 6: what I mean, or going to a show or event, or.
Speaker 4: Just spend the uh that that he called quality time?
Speaker 1: Uh Freddie, when was the last time you spent quality
Speaker 1: time like going to a dinner or an event? When
Speaker 1: was the last thing you spent that kind of time
Speaker 1: was one of the kids?
Speaker 4: Jeez, I really gotta think about that, you know what
Speaker 4: I mean, Because it's been a minute.
Speaker 1: Hey, how do you think they'd respond to you trying
Speaker 1: to join their lives like this? How do you think
Speaker 1: they'd respond?
Speaker 4: I think they'd be kind of uh acceptable to it?
Speaker 4: You know what I mean?
Speaker 1: Do you think they wouldn't be acceptable to it?
Speaker 4: I think so.
Speaker 1: What would they say?
Speaker 4: That's that's the whole the limit.
Speaker 6: Actually, you know what I'm saying, Because what planning something
Speaker 6: and something else will make it won't.
Speaker 4: Make it happen many with me? It could be it
Speaker 4: could be.
Speaker 6: Uh emergency or a lack of fundings or uh not
Speaker 6: having the transportation, you know what I mean. Does it
Speaker 6: seems something always for like in the midst of it all,
Speaker 6: you know, like to eventing from happening. I mean sometimes
Speaker 6: like damn to myself, like well, force is always working
Speaker 6: against me, you know what I mean?
Speaker 4: Oh, you know what I mean.
Speaker 6: You know.
Speaker 1: It must be hard, reddy man. It can be to
Speaker 1: feel like you know, all these forces are against you.
Speaker 1: That must be difficult, man.
Speaker 4: Sometimes sometimes it appears to be.
Speaker 6: Yeah, and then like I got, you know, a nice
Speaker 6: big bouty for home, nice big boode for a woman.
Speaker 6: You know, like they what you will call one of
Speaker 6: the American dreams, you know, white pick of fence.
Speaker 4: You know all that.
Speaker 6: You know, a dog, you know, But I feel in
Speaker 6: love with my house. But it's it's a mess.
Speaker 4: In me, as you know, got a shadow over everything.
Speaker 1: I hope, more than anything else, what people get and
Speaker 1: the value people will get from listening to this podcast
Speaker 1: is inspiration and witnessing the power of love and care
Speaker 1: and being a psychotherapist for nearly twenty years, Love and
Speaker 1: care are a part of every single change process, either
Speaker 1: learning to love yourself, learning to love your partner, learning
Speaker 1: to love the people around you, learning to accept love
Speaker 1: from the people around you, Like it's an incredibly important
Speaker 1: part of the change process. It's literally what motivates us
Speaker 1: to do things differently every single day. Like when people
Speaker 1: have addiction, they get clean because of someone that they
Speaker 1: love and care about. When people want to get a
Speaker 1: new job, it's because they've learned to love themselves and
Speaker 1: value themselves. So I want people to witness the power
Speaker 1: of love as people discover how to love themselves and
Speaker 1: the people around them, and how to receive love. I
Speaker 1: also want people to experience inspiration because when we are
Speaker 1: going through hard times, we have a tendency to think
Speaker 1: we're the only ones going through those hard times, and
Speaker 1: we have a tendency to think our lives like the
Speaker 1: thing that's challenging us is insurmountable. But when you can
Speaker 1: sit and bear witness to people overcoming challenges in their
Speaker 1: lives and you can see how they're doing it and
Speaker 1: what it's leading to, it inspires you to hang on
Speaker 1: just a little bit more in your life. And for me,
Speaker 1: that's that makes this one of the most valuable podcasts
Speaker 1: you can ever listen to, because we highlight the power
Speaker 1: of love and inspire people to do and be better
Speaker 1: in their lives. I would love to hear from you
Speaker 1: about your healing journey, your family and your feedback. Leave
Speaker 1: a review, send a DM connect with me on socials
Speaker 1: at Elliott Speaks, and you can also send me a
Speaker 1: text message to nine seven two four two six two
Speaker 1: six four zero. Family Therapy is a production of iHeartRadio
Speaker 1: and The Black Effect Podcast Network. Special thanks to our
Speaker 1: assistant Glendale Seppe. It's produced by Jack Queise Thomas and
Speaker 1: the executive producer, Dolly Bishop. The content presented on the
Speaker 1: Family Therapy podcast serves solely for educational and informational purposes.
Speaker 1: It should not be considered a replacement for personalized medical
Speaker 1: or mental health guidance and does not constitute a provider
Speaker 1: patient relationship. It is advisable to consult with your health
Speaker 1: care provider or health team for any specific concerns or
Speaker 1: questions you may have.