WEBVTT - No Is a Complete Sentence | TBT 0:00:01.000 --> 0:00:02.400 If I would have gotten mad at her and then 0:00:02.400 --> 0:00:04.280 we would have had an attitude and then would have 0:00:04.800 --> 0:00:06.720 wanted to work with a different coach, that would have 0:00:06.760 --> 0:00:08.320 been more like my shit, you know what I mean? 0:00:08.360 --> 0:00:10.440 Like she was clear on her boundary, but like if 0:00:10.440 --> 0:00:12.479 I would have had an attitude and wanted to be staking, 0:00:12.800 --> 0:00:15.000 it's like, yo, I gotta check myself. Like why so 0:00:15.040 --> 0:00:17.040 if someone makes you feel bad for you saying no, 0:00:17.079 --> 0:00:18.960 one's set in a boundary, you really have to question 0:00:19.520 --> 0:00:21.000 that relationship, you. 0:00:20.920 --> 0:00:21.320 Know what I mean. 0:00:22.239 --> 0:00:26.480 Welcome to Cultivating her Space. I'm doctor dom, a college 0:00:26.520 --> 0:00:29.320 professor and licensed psychologist. 0:00:28.840 --> 0:00:33.320 And I'm Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. Every Friday, 0:00:33.560 --> 0:00:38.520 we initiate authentic conversations on everything from fibroids to fake 0:00:38.560 --> 0:00:41.040 friends and sex work to self care. 0:00:41.479 --> 0:00:44.520 Join us as we create a safe space where black 0:00:44.600 --> 0:00:46.680 women can just be. 0:00:47.760 --> 0:00:49.519 All right, lady, let's get into it. 0:00:55.200 --> 0:00:58.680 Do you know how to say no? Of course you do. 0:01:00.080 --> 0:01:02.080 Why is it so hard for us to say no 0:01:02.240 --> 0:01:04.960 when it really matters? Maybe not all of us, but 0:01:05.000 --> 0:01:10.319 most of us. I would definitely say no, no, no. 0:01:12.800 --> 0:01:15.560 When we were children, we would screaming from the mountaintops. 0:01:15.640 --> 0:01:21.000 We remember those days. No, seriously, that's exactly what we 0:01:21.040 --> 0:01:21.440 would do. 0:01:21.840 --> 0:01:22.040 Right. 0:01:22.080 --> 0:01:25.600 As teenagers, we were quickly to shoot at, know, at 0:01:25.600 --> 0:01:29.559 our parents when they were doing something embarrassing or old fashioned. Right, 0:01:30.400 --> 0:01:34.160 But seemingly as adults, the word has lost its meaning 0:01:34.400 --> 0:01:38.080 for some of us. Right, it's gone bland on our tongues. 0:01:38.400 --> 0:01:43.720 Instead of no, we find ourselves signing yes, even when 0:01:43.760 --> 0:01:45.399 we don't want to do it and we want to 0:01:45.400 --> 0:01:49.280 do the exact opposite. How did we get here? 0:01:50.760 --> 0:01:55.800 I don't know, girl, I don't even know, Like, how. 0:01:55.720 --> 0:01:57.440 Do we take our power back? How do we do it? 0:01:58.480 --> 0:02:00.000 I think there's a lot of ways that we can 0:02:00.160 --> 0:02:03.600 do it, But I think what would help most of 0:02:03.680 --> 0:02:07.600 us really is to hear how other people have done 0:02:07.640 --> 0:02:10.160 it and what has been the end result. Because I 0:02:10.200 --> 0:02:15.400 think about like times when I've told someone or told 0:02:15.480 --> 0:02:20.560 myself to try something and I have no idea what 0:02:20.639 --> 0:02:23.079 the outcome is going to be. That can be pretty scary, 0:02:24.080 --> 0:02:29.480 especially when we're trying to change a behavior. Oftentimes it's 0:02:29.520 --> 0:02:32.240 a lot easier for us to feel motivated to change 0:02:32.240 --> 0:02:35.920 a behavior if we can kind of have some clue 0:02:36.480 --> 0:02:39.640 about what the outcome will be. What stories do you 0:02:39.680 --> 0:02:43.480 have for us today? Because I know, I know you 0:02:43.520 --> 0:02:45.760 know you have some good stories. You always got a story. 0:02:45.760 --> 0:02:47.280 You know, I got a story for everything. 0:02:48.120 --> 0:02:50.079 Well, I was just thinking like, well, first, I think 0:02:50.120 --> 0:02:53.760 this episode is going to be for a particular person usually, 0:02:53.840 --> 0:02:56.640 I know for me personally, I've struggled with no a lot, 0:02:57.800 --> 0:03:01.840 and I I definitely I'm looking forward to this episode 0:03:01.880 --> 0:03:03.960 because I want to have a real authentic conversation and 0:03:03.960 --> 0:03:06.239 for anyone that's timid and that struggled with trying to 0:03:06.280 --> 0:03:09.200 appease people, which is me all the way, me too. 0:03:09.880 --> 0:03:11.800 There we go, you and I Don, this is going 0:03:11.880 --> 0:03:14.000 to be a really good episode for you, So stay tuned. 0:03:14.040 --> 0:03:17.119 But first Don is going to take us into our 0:03:17.320 --> 0:03:18.799 quote of the day. 0:03:19.880 --> 0:03:24.639 All right, So today's quote comes from Renee Brown. She's 0:03:24.639 --> 0:03:31.519 written several books about self improvement, about learning to love ourselves, 0:03:31.680 --> 0:03:35.640 learning to engage with others in a healthier way, and 0:03:35.720 --> 0:03:41.160 so this quote says, daring to set boundaries is about 0:03:41.200 --> 0:03:45.120 having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk 0:03:45.480 --> 0:03:52.520 disappointing others. That last part for me, even when we 0:03:52.840 --> 0:03:56.200 risk disappointing others. 0:03:56.880 --> 0:03:58.840 So you already know what's coming next. What does that 0:03:58.960 --> 0:04:00.640 mean to you, don what is that put me into you? 0:04:02.000 --> 0:04:07.400 That quote really, especially that last part says that it's 0:04:07.480 --> 0:04:10.880 like giving me the courage, giving me the empowerment to 0:04:11.000 --> 0:04:15.920 say I can say no, and I don't have to 0:04:16.040 --> 0:04:21.800 worry about how other people are going to react, that 0:04:22.200 --> 0:04:26.400 I have to focus on doing what's helpful for myself 0:04:26.600 --> 0:04:32.279 with showing my self love, even if that means the 0:04:32.400 --> 0:04:36.440 other person may be upset by it or they may 0:04:36.520 --> 0:04:41.159 not like it. But the more important piece is to 0:04:41.240 --> 0:04:44.839 show my self love and that means saying no. 0:04:45.680 --> 0:04:47.919 And when I hear you say that, and when you 0:04:48.000 --> 0:04:49.880 just read that quote, it made me think about the 0:04:49.880 --> 0:04:53.560 fact that setting boundaries and saying no is literally an 0:04:53.640 --> 0:04:56.520 act of self care because when you think about it, 0:04:56.560 --> 0:04:58.520 and I know that it's funny that we're talking about 0:04:58.560 --> 0:05:02.200 this because I feel like I'm low key preaching to myself. 0:05:02.240 --> 0:05:04.560 So we may be saying things as though we're experts, 0:05:04.560 --> 0:05:06.240 but it's like we're still on the journey as well, 0:05:06.279 --> 0:05:08.080 like we're still working on this in our daily life. 0:05:08.480 --> 0:05:10.760 And when I hear that, it makes me think, would 0:05:10.839 --> 0:05:13.359 I do I want to say no to someone? Or 0:05:13.360 --> 0:05:15.040 do I want to say yes to something? I don't 0:05:15.040 --> 0:05:17.600 really want to do to appease someone else just to 0:05:17.600 --> 0:05:21.520 disappoint myself so I can't sleep at night or do 0:05:21.560 --> 0:05:24.880 I want to be honest, be true to myself, say no, 0:05:25.480 --> 0:05:27.800 make sure that I can sleep well to night. And 0:05:27.960 --> 0:05:30.800 if that person has a problem with it, I mean 0:05:31.720 --> 0:05:33.480 they can probably ask someone else, you know what I mean, 0:05:33.480 --> 0:05:37.080 Like I shouldn't have to compromise my sanity, my time, 0:05:37.200 --> 0:05:40.160 my energy, my boundaries to appease someone else, and I 0:05:40.240 --> 0:05:41.360 really don't want to do it. 0:05:41.680 --> 0:05:47.280 And most of the time the other person isn't going 0:05:47.360 --> 0:05:51.440 to be upset, and if they are, then that may 0:05:51.480 --> 0:05:58.680 be a sign that they might not value our relationship 0:05:59.680 --> 0:06:02.600 in the same way that we do. 0:06:03.800 --> 0:06:04.160 M hm. 0:06:06.400 --> 0:06:09.760 So how about let's talk about a few instances in 0:06:09.800 --> 0:06:12.960 our lives as a women when we would be presented 0:06:13.000 --> 0:06:15.560 with an opportunity to say no. If we could just 0:06:15.560 --> 0:06:16.480 think of a few, like. 0:06:16.560 --> 0:06:19.640 Oh, I know one right off time off top, what 0:06:19.839 --> 0:06:25.000 comes up for me? And I know that I've experienced 0:06:25.000 --> 0:06:29.200 this and lots of other women have experienced this too, 0:06:29.480 --> 0:06:37.479 where we're asked to do something socially right and we 0:06:37.520 --> 0:06:43.000 don't really want to go and either we make excuses 0:06:43.839 --> 0:06:50.880 and like lie about why we can't go, or we 0:06:51.000 --> 0:06:54.160 go and we feel miserable the entire time. 0:06:56.760 --> 0:07:00.919 I'll say, why did I do that? Yes, here's my thing, Like, 0:07:01.040 --> 0:07:02.280 and I know we're going to dive into a few 0:07:02.320 --> 0:07:05.479 other like situations like that, but I feel like you 0:07:05.520 --> 0:07:07.080 don't have like if you say no, you don't have 0:07:07.120 --> 0:07:09.000 to say no every single time, Like it's okay to 0:07:09.040 --> 0:07:11.840 compromise there. Sometimes when I do things that I may 0:07:11.880 --> 0:07:13.720 not necessarily want to do just because I know that 0:07:13.760 --> 0:07:16.400 it could be beneficial, Like I've gone to networking events 0:07:16.880 --> 0:07:18.280 that I'm like, I really don't want to go, but 0:07:18.320 --> 0:07:20.360 I might want to support a friend, right, But if 0:07:20.400 --> 0:07:22.800 you really I think we're talking about situations where you 0:07:22.880 --> 0:07:25.280 really can't go or you really just don't want to 0:07:25.400 --> 0:07:28.080 at all. And it's just like I just don't want to. 0:07:28.160 --> 0:07:30.720 I don't have it's been a stressful week, I'm tired, 0:07:30.840 --> 0:07:32.400 like whatever it is, I don't want to go, and 0:07:32.400 --> 0:07:34.240 I don't want to feel guilty about not saying it. 0:07:34.520 --> 0:07:36.600 And I think about something as simple as you being 0:07:36.680 --> 0:07:39.080 in the checkout and then asking, hey, do you want 0:07:39.080 --> 0:07:41.520 to donate a dollar to this charity? I say no 0:07:41.640 --> 0:07:44.800 all the time because all I mean First of all, 0:07:44.880 --> 0:07:48.440 I do other I have other charitable you know, donations 0:07:48.480 --> 0:07:50.280 and outlets in my life, while I'm able to give 0:07:50.640 --> 0:07:52.520 and I know exactly where the money's going, just saying. 0:07:53.080 --> 0:07:56.120 But also that's a good way to practice, right, like 0:07:56.560 --> 0:07:58.960 no thank you. It's easy to practice on like the 0:07:59.080 --> 0:08:04.480 small thing. So taking baby steps when you are trying 0:08:04.520 --> 0:08:07.160 to get in the habit of learning to say no. So, 0:08:07.280 --> 0:08:09.840 for instance, if we go back to like our example of. 0:08:12.400 --> 0:08:16.880 Your girlfriend calls you, it's Wednesday, right homegirl is like 0:08:18.560 --> 0:08:22.480 this weekend, ooh, ooh ooh, and she's like so excited, 0:08:22.520 --> 0:08:25.400 and she's like, oh, this weekend, Like there's this brunch 0:08:25.920 --> 0:08:31.360 and it's from like twelve to three o'clock. I've been 0:08:31.440 --> 0:08:35.439 dying to check this place out. You don't really want 0:08:35.480 --> 0:08:40.920 to go for whatever, whatever the reason may be. Normally 0:08:41.360 --> 0:08:44.760 you're down for a brunch, right, who's not down for 0:08:44.760 --> 0:08:45.720 bottomless momosis? 0:08:45.840 --> 0:08:46.120 Right? 0:08:47.280 --> 0:08:54.280 But this weekend you really don't want to go. How 0:08:54.280 --> 0:08:57.719 can we say no? Because hitting her with. 0:09:00.040 --> 0:09:02.520 Well, I got. 0:09:04.160 --> 0:09:08.559 The gym and laundry and. 0:09:11.000 --> 0:09:13.400 Whatever other excuses we can come up with. 0:09:15.200 --> 0:09:17.760 Might not feel it'll it might get you out of 0:09:17.800 --> 0:09:20.760 the event, but it doesn't feel authentic. 0:09:23.120 --> 0:09:28.360 So how do we just say no? That is the question. 0:09:30.720 --> 0:09:33.200 That's the question we're going to dive into because I 0:09:33.240 --> 0:09:36.800 know for me, I've had family situations in particular, whether 0:09:36.840 --> 0:09:39.360 it's like family wants me to do a favor, they 0:09:39.400 --> 0:09:41.559 want to know if I can like come to an 0:09:41.600 --> 0:09:45.000 event or like lately, because I guess friends be thinking 0:09:45.040 --> 0:09:47.760 I'm like leading on social media, I had a few 0:09:47.760 --> 0:09:49.360 friends like, oh, can you share this post for me 0:09:49.400 --> 0:09:51.079 one of my cousins? Can you share my music with 0:09:51.920 --> 0:09:55.160 your followers? Like, no, don't make me laugh with your 0:09:55.160 --> 0:09:58.640 facial expression. Now, I was not trying to laugh because 0:09:58.679 --> 0:10:00.079 the reason might even. 0:10:00.080 --> 0:10:05.199 Laughed out y'all if y'all can see us right now, because. 0:10:05.800 --> 0:10:08.040 Y'all, no, I don't. Here's the thing. I don't think 0:10:08.120 --> 0:10:10.040 I'm like, I'm not nobody special. I'm just out here 0:10:10.120 --> 0:10:11.760 doing the best I can. But I think what people 0:10:11.760 --> 0:10:13.559 perceive you to be a certain way sometimes like oh, 0:10:13.559 --> 0:10:15.320 you have more followers than me, can. 0:10:15.160 --> 0:10:16.000 You share this music? 0:10:16.040 --> 0:10:17.760 And it's like I had to break it down to 0:10:17.800 --> 0:10:21.199 my little cousin, like, because I support you, I think 0:10:21.200 --> 0:10:23.920 it's great, keep doing your thing, but that's just not appropriate, right. 0:10:23.960 --> 0:10:26.400 It's like it's not appropriate, like my followers are not 0:10:26.800 --> 0:10:29.040 your target market. So I gave him resources on like 0:10:29.080 --> 0:10:31.240 what he could do, but I did say no because 0:10:31.240 --> 0:10:33.959 that's just that's not the type of system that I run, 0:10:34.000 --> 0:10:36.480 you know what I mean, where it's like spamming my 0:10:36.480 --> 0:10:39.240 my yeah connections. 0:10:39.600 --> 0:10:42.000 I think that's a great example, right, because I think 0:10:42.000 --> 0:10:43.680 that that puts us a lot of us in like 0:10:43.720 --> 0:10:46.880 that hard position because if we think about if we're 0:10:46.920 --> 0:10:49.640 just real about it, and we think about our podcast, 0:10:51.040 --> 0:10:55.280 those of you who are listening right now, you may feel, Okay, 0:10:55.360 --> 0:11:00.120 let me go share this, but then you may ask 0:11:00.200 --> 0:11:05.480 somebody else to go and share it, and they're like, hmm, 0:11:06.760 --> 0:11:10.000 this doesn't fit with my platform, right. But even for 0:11:10.120 --> 0:11:13.760 us like asking like our friends and family to promote 0:11:13.760 --> 0:11:20.120 our podcast, that's a hard conversation to have to say, 0:11:20.240 --> 0:11:26.360 you know what, promoting your music is a different requires 0:11:26.400 --> 0:11:30.800 a different platform than what I'm doing with the podcast, 0:11:30.920 --> 0:11:37.760 and so how can I still show support without mixing 0:11:37.800 --> 0:11:38.920 the two exactly? 0:11:38.960 --> 0:11:41.040 Because I really didn't want to hurt his feelings either, 0:11:41.360 --> 0:11:43.920 And that makes me think about like what feelings come 0:11:44.000 --> 0:11:46.360 up when we let's think about it, what feelings come 0:11:46.400 --> 0:11:48.280 up when you have to say no, Like there are 0:11:48.280 --> 0:11:51.720 sometimes when someone asks you something and you're just like, bruh, 0:11:51.760 --> 0:11:54.480 that's a hard no. You already know before you even respond, 0:11:54.520 --> 0:11:56.640 and sometimes you have to think about it. But for 0:11:56.720 --> 0:11:59.040 those moments when you do have to deliver that note, 0:11:59.080 --> 0:12:02.360 whether it's you know, I mean, even when you're interviewing people, 0:12:02.400 --> 0:12:04.400 like I've got to interview people for positions and it's 0:12:04.520 --> 0:12:06.760 like for job positions and things like that, and it's 0:12:06.800 --> 0:12:09.760 like it's tough saying though, because that on the other hand, 0:12:09.920 --> 0:12:13.360 that person is feeling rejected in some way in some cases. 0:12:13.679 --> 0:12:15.320 So I guess for me, my question would be, like, 0:12:15.360 --> 0:12:18.200 how do you feel when you are in a situation 0:12:18.240 --> 0:12:19.680 where you have to say no to someone? 0:12:20.360 --> 0:12:22.560 Well, most of the time what happens is is that 0:12:22.640 --> 0:12:26.400 people feel The biggest feeling that comes up for people 0:12:26.559 --> 0:12:30.439 is guilt. Guilt that's a good one. Like you end 0:12:30.640 --> 0:12:36.720 up feeling bad because going back to our Brenee Brown quote, 0:12:37.520 --> 0:12:40.880 we don't want to disappoint them, like we feel bad 0:12:41.480 --> 0:12:43.160 that we've had to say no. 0:12:44.800 --> 0:12:47.680 Yeah, I feel bad, I would say, even like I 0:12:47.720 --> 0:12:50.000 get a little like maybe a little anxious, Like I 0:12:50.559 --> 0:12:52.839 feel something in my body because it's like, oh, damn. 0:12:53.120 --> 0:12:54.960 I think one of the things that comes up is like, 0:12:55.160 --> 0:12:56.880 what is this person going to think. I don't want 0:12:56.920 --> 0:12:59.680 to hurt their feelings. I don't want to mess up 0:12:59.679 --> 0:13:02.440 there reallylationship. I don't want to make this awkward. Like 0:13:02.600 --> 0:13:05.480 a lot of different things come up there, but I 0:13:05.480 --> 0:13:08.360 think it's going to be It's powerful when you do 0:13:08.480 --> 0:13:10.000 get to a place where you can say no with 0:13:10.160 --> 0:13:13.560 ease and you don't have to worry about all this 0:13:13.600 --> 0:13:16.319 because that's stressful, you know what I mean, it's really stressful. 0:13:16.559 --> 0:13:19.480 So I think the other thing that comes up, there's 0:13:19.480 --> 0:13:22.960 a couple of things. Yeah, so the fear of missing out, 0:13:23.760 --> 0:13:28.400 that whole fomo thing, that is a more common feeling 0:13:28.520 --> 0:13:29.720 that people experience. 0:13:29.840 --> 0:13:31.760 Okay, and it's. 0:13:31.640 --> 0:13:34.640 Not just younger generations, right, it's not just the teenagers. 0:13:34.679 --> 0:13:38.720 That's not even though that's a newer term that we're using, fomo, 0:13:39.720 --> 0:13:42.320 it's a feeling that's been around for a long time. Right. 0:13:42.400 --> 0:13:45.520 So if we you know, if we say, if we're 0:13:45.559 --> 0:13:47.959 afraid to tell our girlfriends, oh yeah, I'm going to 0:13:48.000 --> 0:13:50.839 miss brunch this weekend, we may go along even though 0:13:50.880 --> 0:13:52.800 we don't want to, because we don't want to miss 0:13:52.840 --> 0:13:55.320 out because we know that all the girls, that the 0:13:55.360 --> 0:13:58.839 whole crew is getting together. And even though we know 0:13:59.000 --> 0:14:01.640 that it's going to cause strain on us, whatever that 0:14:01.679 --> 0:14:06.640 strain may look like, we still say yes because we're 0:14:06.679 --> 0:14:07.959 afraid to miss out. 0:14:08.120 --> 0:14:10.559 And that sounds like a no, a conversation where we 0:14:10.600 --> 0:14:12.319 have to say no to ourselves in a way where 0:14:12.360 --> 0:14:14.360 it's like you have to kind of have a moment. 0:14:14.440 --> 0:14:15.920 I talk to myself all the time. Let me just 0:14:15.920 --> 0:14:18.280 put that out there. I don't response. I know what 0:14:18.320 --> 0:14:20.760 they say if you respond to yourself. So I do 0:14:20.840 --> 0:14:24.200 have conversations with myself. I'm not even gonna say they're 0:14:24.200 --> 0:14:26.200 not out loud, because they are. But it's all good anyway. 0:14:26.280 --> 0:14:29.200 So when you say when you're in a situation like 0:14:29.240 --> 0:14:30.880 that and you're like, oh, I really want to go 0:14:30.920 --> 0:14:32.240 with them, but it's like, dang, I don't want to 0:14:32.240 --> 0:14:33.880 miss out, that's a moment where you may have to 0:14:33.880 --> 0:14:36.840 tell yourself likeself, you need to prioritize. You know, you 0:14:36.960 --> 0:14:38.560 need to study, you know you need to like work 0:14:38.600 --> 0:14:40.360 on that work of time, and you know you need 0:14:40.400 --> 0:14:41.800 to like go to them. You said you're gonna go 0:14:41.800 --> 0:14:43.200 to the gym, and you're gonna have to say no, 0:14:43.280 --> 0:14:45.800 to your friends and say no to yourself, not this time. 0:14:46.560 --> 0:14:50.480 So yeah, many situations where we have to say no. 0:14:52.200 --> 0:14:55.240 I think the other feeling that comes up too is 0:14:55.520 --> 0:14:57.960 or the other idea that comes up is perfectionism. 0:14:58.400 --> 0:15:05.120 Oh tell me more so when it comes to. 0:15:07.320 --> 0:15:11.520 Saying no and setting those boundaries, if saying no for 0:15:11.640 --> 0:15:16.640 the perfectionists, if saying no means shattering that image of perfection, 0:15:18.440 --> 0:15:24.400 or saying no means you know that you won't look 0:15:24.560 --> 0:15:30.280 like your best self, or that event is not going 0:15:30.360 --> 0:15:34.080 to be the perfect image, that the perfect event that 0:15:34.280 --> 0:15:36.480 you were looking forward to or that you were trying 0:15:36.520 --> 0:15:41.280 to plan. If, in any way what it is that 0:15:41.400 --> 0:15:45.640 you're working towards you're afraid that it won't be perfect, 0:15:46.160 --> 0:15:49.000 then you find yourself in a situation where you're saying 0:15:49.200 --> 0:15:54.280 yes to things and agreeing to do things to make 0:15:54.400 --> 0:16:00.480 this thing look perfect, when really you're hurting yourself in 0:16:00.520 --> 0:16:01.080 the process. 0:16:01.560 --> 0:16:03.600 I never thought about that way. That's a really good point. 0:16:04.200 --> 0:16:07.800 That is really interesting, hmm. And I guess any other 0:16:07.880 --> 0:16:09.320 feelings there so you can think of it. 0:16:09.880 --> 0:16:13.120 I think those are themazing, Those are big, right, Yeah, 0:16:13.120 --> 0:16:18.160 I would agree for sure. Perfection and anxiety, Yes, just 0:16:18.240 --> 0:16:21.600 like Yusful. I had a situation on recently, but you 0:16:21.680 --> 0:16:22.880 know what, let me tell you the story. 0:16:23.000 --> 0:16:25.760 So recently I met with one of my coaches and 0:16:26.640 --> 0:16:28.960 we had such an amazing session. Like our sessions are 0:16:29.040 --> 0:16:31.000 so dope and we get like teary eyed. I mean, 0:16:31.040 --> 0:16:33.600 we talk about a lot of sensitive topics and I 0:16:33.720 --> 0:16:36.480 have these personal breakthroughs and it was such a great session. 0:16:36.600 --> 0:16:37.400 I am a hugger. 0:16:37.480 --> 0:16:39.280 I get off in the moment. I'm like, oh God. 0:16:39.720 --> 0:16:41.760 So she was leaving and I was like, and I 0:16:41.920 --> 0:16:43.520 something told me to just ask her because I like 0:16:43.680 --> 0:16:45.680 to ask for permission before. I just like we used 0:16:45.680 --> 0:16:47.520 to hug someone or touch someone or anything like that. 0:16:48.080 --> 0:16:50.760 And so I said to you, I was like, I said, 0:16:51.160 --> 0:16:52.600 I'm a hugger. Can I give you a hug after 0:16:52.640 --> 0:16:54.120 our session? Because we were like all in a moment 0:16:54.400 --> 0:16:56.440 and she said, oh no, I'm okay, thank you or 0:16:56.480 --> 0:16:58.440 something like that, and I in that moment it kind 0:16:58.480 --> 0:17:00.280 of because you know how when you go ask someone 0:17:00.360 --> 0:17:02.280 like can I give you a hug, You're kind of 0:17:02.320 --> 0:17:04.919 already got your arms a little opening them. You're kind 0:17:04.920 --> 0:17:06.920 of expecting it, right, because sometimes we do that, we 0:17:07.280 --> 0:17:09.280 ask someone something, but we expect them to say yes. 0:17:09.680 --> 0:17:11.000 And I was kind of called in the moment and 0:17:11.080 --> 0:17:13.520 it took me back because I paused, oh shit, she 0:17:13.640 --> 0:17:15.840 said no, let me move my hands. So I was 0:17:15.920 --> 0:17:18.600 like five percent salty, but I was about ninety five 0:17:18.640 --> 0:17:21.320 percent empowered because I was like, Yo, I love the 0:17:21.359 --> 0:17:24.480 way she said that, and she stood, she stood firm 0:17:24.560 --> 0:17:25.800 on what she believes. And I was like, Yo, that 0:17:25.880 --> 0:17:26.160 was dope. 0:17:26.200 --> 0:17:26.480 Ands shit. 0:17:26.560 --> 0:17:28.200 So next time I see you, I'm going to tell her, like, 0:17:28.520 --> 0:17:32.080 I really appreciated you saying no. I recognize that, and 0:17:32.119 --> 0:17:33.960 I'm going to use that in my own life because 0:17:33.960 --> 0:17:36.720 it was It wasn't rude, it wasn't disrespectful. She set 0:17:36.720 --> 0:17:39.200 a boundary with me. And afterwards I was like, oh shit, 0:17:39.240 --> 0:17:41.960 that's true, Like she is, we are in a professional space, 0:17:42.080 --> 0:17:43.800 Like I guess it wouldn't be appropriate to be like 0:17:43.880 --> 0:17:45.119 hugging up in here, because you. 0:17:45.160 --> 0:17:47.240 Know, but people hugging professional spaces. 0:17:47.320 --> 0:17:48.159 People do. People do. 0:17:48.359 --> 0:17:50.720 But it was just like, and it's not always appropriate. 0:17:51.560 --> 0:17:56.320 Uh oh, just shade, I'm but no. I thought it 0:17:56.400 --> 0:17:58.159 was like it was a really good example for me 0:17:58.200 --> 0:18:00.280 and it stood out to me and I just thought 0:18:00.320 --> 0:18:01.720 about it and I was like, that was so dope. 0:18:01.760 --> 0:18:03.359 How she did that, I'm so going to do that 0:18:03.440 --> 0:18:04.160 in my own life. 0:18:04.640 --> 0:18:09.040 So I think that's a great example because it also 0:18:09.160 --> 0:18:13.320 talks about that also can be applied to interacting with children. 0:18:15.640 --> 0:18:19.440 I remember having a conversation with another psychologist and she 0:18:19.720 --> 0:18:23.840 was talking about her daughter and how her daughter was 0:18:23.920 --> 0:18:27.520 like under five at the time, and she was teaching 0:18:27.600 --> 0:18:32.960 her daughter under five about appropriate boundary setting. And she 0:18:33.200 --> 0:18:35.800 told her daughter that her daughter did not that she 0:18:36.040 --> 0:18:38.320 did not have to hug anybody, that she did not 0:18:38.440 --> 0:18:43.000 feel comfortable hugging it. And what that did was because 0:18:43.000 --> 0:18:45.600 you know, you go to your family, at least I 0:18:45.720 --> 0:18:47.640 know in my family, like you walk in the door, 0:18:47.840 --> 0:18:50.600 and that's how you greet people. You greet everyone with 0:18:50.760 --> 0:18:56.439 a hug. But some people are not okay with touching 0:18:56.840 --> 0:19:00.600 any type of touching. Yes, And so she gave her 0:19:00.720 --> 0:19:04.240 daughter that permission to say no to people. And she 0:19:04.359 --> 0:19:06.840 said that there were some adults in the family who 0:19:06.960 --> 0:19:11.520 were taken aback by it at first, but eventually everybody 0:19:11.680 --> 0:19:15.960 learned or respect it. Because you're teaching your daughter boundary settings, 0:19:16.440 --> 0:19:20.439 you're teaching her autonomy over her own body as well. 0:19:20.480 --> 0:19:24.359 There's so many lessons, so many many dope lessons within 0:19:24.560 --> 0:19:27.639 that that that young girl is going to be empowered 0:19:28.200 --> 0:19:28.680 early on. 0:19:29.480 --> 0:19:31.359 That is I'm so happy you brought that up because 0:19:31.440 --> 0:19:33.240 my mom used to do that with me and my sisters, 0:19:33.720 --> 0:19:36.280 and I feel like most of us know what it's like. 0:19:36.840 --> 0:19:38.840 It's unfortunate, but I feel like it is what it is. 0:19:38.880 --> 0:19:40.680 Where you have those some people in the family, they're 0:19:40.720 --> 0:19:43.399 usually their uncles, and you already know people are like 0:19:43.640 --> 0:19:45.800 stay away from stay away from that one and stuff 0:19:45.800 --> 0:19:47.600 like that. My mom used to tell us you don't 0:19:47.600 --> 0:19:50.520 have to hug anybody, and if anybody does anything that 0:19:50.560 --> 0:19:52.760 makes you feel uncomfortable, you let them know. And I 0:19:52.840 --> 0:19:54.600 remember there was this one uncle that used to always, 0:19:54.800 --> 0:19:56.200 you know, someone gives you a hugb but it's a 0:19:56.200 --> 0:19:58.680 little too long, like a hand, a little too little, 0:19:58.720 --> 0:20:02.400 too low and the small back, or you ConA behind whispering. 0:20:02.440 --> 0:20:03.720 You don't got to do all that, you have to 0:20:03.800 --> 0:20:05.920 do all that, Okay, it's too much, doing too much, 0:20:06.000 --> 0:20:09.320 doing too much, And so she always being inappropriate. And 0:20:09.440 --> 0:20:11.600 so I feel like that your friend is so amazing 0:20:11.680 --> 0:20:14.320 that she told her daughter that because in situations like that, 0:20:14.400 --> 0:20:16.960 I remember as a young kid before I really felt 0:20:16.960 --> 0:20:19.520 empowered to like take my mom's advice. I would just 0:20:19.640 --> 0:20:22.520 when you're a kid, this is an adult, an authority figure. 0:20:22.600 --> 0:20:25.399 So I wouldn't say anything because I didn't really know, 0:20:25.520 --> 0:20:28.040 like what do I say? How do I say to 0:20:28.119 --> 0:20:29.720 this adult? Can you not do that? 0:20:29.880 --> 0:20:30.440 You know what I mean? 0:20:30.520 --> 0:20:33.320 And so it was very difficult. Now I don't have 0:20:33.400 --> 0:20:36.320 a problem with that, and so, yeah, that's important. 0:20:36.560 --> 0:20:40.119 But I think the helpful piece within that situation was 0:20:40.200 --> 0:20:45.399 that mom was able to say to model for her 0:20:45.520 --> 0:20:50.080 daughter and back up her daughter. So when her daughter 0:20:50.119 --> 0:20:53.600 would say no and any adult in the room was 0:20:53.680 --> 0:20:56.880 taken aback, Mom would be right there to have her. 0:20:56.840 --> 0:21:00.800 Back to say, she said no exactly, she said what 0:21:00.920 --> 0:21:01.280 she said. 0:21:01.359 --> 0:21:06.600 She said what she said. Okay, no explanation is no justification, 0:21:06.800 --> 0:21:10.719 she said it. No, it's a full statement. Yes, who 0:21:10.840 --> 0:21:16.159