WEBVTT - Will Therapy Help DeAnna Find A Man? 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:04.480 iHeart Podcasts bring you the ultimate Summer of Love Tree. 0:00:04.680 --> 0:00:09.719 This is famously Available. Welcome back to Famously Available as 0:00:09.760 --> 0:00:12.480 your host Ben Higgins, and if you missed part one 0:00:13.200 --> 0:00:15.880 of this episode, be sure to go back and listen. 0:00:15.960 --> 0:00:19.480 I've en listened to the help of the incredible psychologist, 0:00:19.680 --> 0:00:24.400 doctor Hillary gold Scher to really go in deep with Deanna. 0:00:24.640 --> 0:00:27.520 Therapy is amazing and beneficial in so many ways, but 0:00:27.600 --> 0:00:30.320 I think pretty crucial when we are on the path 0:00:30.360 --> 0:00:34.519 of finding love and learning to love ourselves. I'm excited 0:00:34.520 --> 0:00:37.880 to hear more from this conversation, so let's dive back in. 0:00:38.560 --> 0:00:41.839 I continue to talk about my marriage because it's the 0:00:41.840 --> 0:00:45.160 freshest on my mind and it was my longest relationship 0:00:45.200 --> 0:00:46.400 that I've ever been in, and there were lots of 0:00:46.440 --> 0:00:49.800 things right. We were on the cycle, that toxic cycle, 0:00:49.840 --> 0:00:52.000 and we just towards the end, we just couldn't get off. 0:00:52.040 --> 0:00:54.120 We just could not hop off the cycle. There was 0:00:54.160 --> 0:01:01.080 no and there I personally, I could not get to 0:01:01.200 --> 0:01:07.000 a place anymore of being able to change the way 0:01:07.040 --> 0:01:10.960 I said something, or to be soft anymore, to be 0:01:11.040 --> 0:01:16.399 soft anymore. It felt exhausting to me. I am an 0:01:16.440 --> 0:01:21.759 overthinker in general. I can overthink. Overthinking, I can take 0:01:21.800 --> 0:01:24.920 one thought internet eight way sideways in a matter of seconds. 0:01:25.760 --> 0:01:28.080 And to sit in places where I didn't feel seen 0:01:28.160 --> 0:01:31.440 or heard created a boiling point for me. It was 0:01:31.480 --> 0:01:33.680 not a very healthy space for me to sit in. 0:01:35.000 --> 0:01:37.679 If my partner needed time to process or time to 0:01:37.720 --> 0:01:40.720 cool down, that time that they needed was a boiling 0:01:40.760 --> 0:01:42.640 point for me because I would sit in a moment 0:01:42.720 --> 0:01:49.560 of just overthinking and explosive, explosive, there was no soft 0:01:49.720 --> 0:01:50.760 left to me. 0:01:51.520 --> 0:01:52.520 My go to. 0:01:54.080 --> 0:01:57.480 Place to react is to be hard, is to be strong, 0:01:57.840 --> 0:02:03.320 because vulnerability is very scary for me, and rightfully so, 0:02:03.560 --> 0:02:05.960 in a lot of places, my vulnerability has been used 0:02:06.000 --> 0:02:09.800 against me and by people that I have loved very deeply. 0:02:11.000 --> 0:02:13.560 So vulnerability is not very easy for me. And so 0:02:13.960 --> 0:02:18.920 instead of coming from a place and being like hey, 0:02:20.600 --> 0:02:23.000 I really love you, I don't want to fight over this, 0:02:23.080 --> 0:02:26.000 how can I be better at this situation? To me, 0:02:26.880 --> 0:02:28.919 and I cannot even lie in this moment, it sounds 0:02:28.919 --> 0:02:31.919 really awful for anyone listening to me. That feels weak, 0:02:33.880 --> 0:02:37.079 like I'm being a little bitch about it, you. 0:02:37.040 --> 0:02:39.920 Know, And I hate that. I hate that. 0:02:40.000 --> 0:02:42.600 But it's so interesting because with my children, I can 0:02:42.639 --> 0:02:46.200 do that with my children. Hi, I hear that you're 0:02:46.280 --> 0:02:49.520 upset right now. I feel that you're really upset. Please 0:02:49.560 --> 0:02:51.160 tell me what's coming up for you. And I have 0:02:51.280 --> 0:02:55.919 that with the utmost care and rational thinking, and I 0:02:56.040 --> 0:02:59.120 mean it. I mean it. But I have a real 0:02:59.320 --> 0:03:01.280 struggle with doing that for a grown man. 0:03:01.720 --> 0:03:07.240 Yeah, yeah, I mean I'm sure there's an intersection of factors. One, 0:03:07.360 --> 0:03:10.040 as I alluded to earlier, a trauma response. If you've 0:03:10.080 --> 0:03:15.839 had wounds around people that you trusted, hurting you, abandoning you, 0:03:16.000 --> 0:03:21.080 taking advantage of you vulnerability, it becomes a fight or 0:03:21.120 --> 0:03:23.919 flight moment. And so one of the ways it sounds 0:03:23.960 --> 0:03:26.520 like that your body has habituated to that fight or 0:03:26.520 --> 0:03:29.840 flight is getting hard, you know, So it's protective mode, 0:03:30.280 --> 0:03:33.320 and it's when you think about it, it's you might 0:03:33.360 --> 0:03:35.280 not like that I say this, but it's sweet that 0:03:35.640 --> 0:03:39.120 it's sad, you know, because underneath that is a wounded 0:03:39.240 --> 0:03:42.880 kid who doesn't want to be hurt again, right, And 0:03:43.600 --> 0:03:45.840 having a lot of empathy and compassion for that person 0:03:45.840 --> 0:03:48.760 feels so critical, you know, for that little person that 0:03:48.880 --> 0:03:51.760 you know, trusted and got heard. And I think if 0:03:51.800 --> 0:03:53.800 we can septualize it that way, That's why it's easy 0:03:53.800 --> 0:03:55.680 to do that for your kiddos, you know, because it's 0:03:55.680 --> 0:03:57.440 so easy to see them that way, and it's so 0:03:57.520 --> 0:04:00.480 hard to see yourself that way. But the more you're 0:04:00.520 --> 0:04:02.280 able to integrate that that's a. 0:04:02.240 --> 0:04:04.680 Part of you. Obviously it's not all of you. Look 0:04:04.680 --> 0:04:06.280 at how you move through the world. You know that 0:04:06.280 --> 0:04:06.920 that's not the case. 0:04:06.960 --> 0:04:09.480 But it's a part of you, and that when you 0:04:09.520 --> 0:04:13.320 feel vulnerable and sad, that's as you know, valid as 0:04:13.440 --> 0:04:16.640 any of the other feelings that you have. And that 0:04:16.760 --> 0:04:21.600 trauma response, I imagine has led you astray in some moments, 0:04:21.640 --> 0:04:22.840 which is that you show up in a way you 0:04:22.839 --> 0:04:26.240 don't feel good about, you know. And so it's interesting 0:04:26.520 --> 0:04:30.000 I alluded to it before, but that distinction between aggression 0:04:30.320 --> 0:04:34.760 and advocacy is so important, and that younger part of 0:04:34.800 --> 0:04:37.800 you might think that aggression is the way to go, 0:04:37.960 --> 0:04:39.599 that's where you get all your power. 0:04:39.920 --> 0:04:43.440 Two females talking to each other. I have a love 0:04:43.520 --> 0:04:46.120 hate relationship with it, and I'm hoping that anyone who 0:04:46.160 --> 0:04:51.160 is listening to us today relates to this. Okay, I'm 0:04:51.160 --> 0:04:52.919 a woman and I want to advocate for myself and 0:04:52.920 --> 0:04:54.640 what I believe in. But then I'm a fucking bitch 0:04:55.480 --> 0:05:00.000 because I did right, or or I'm a door mat. 0:05:00.040 --> 0:05:03.599 Yeah right, I'm a door mat. I let it sweep 0:05:03.640 --> 0:05:05.160 under the rug because I don't want to be viewed 0:05:05.200 --> 0:05:06.880 as a bitch because I stood up for what I 0:05:06.920 --> 0:05:09.120 believed in and then you know who suffers is me? 0:05:09.800 --> 0:05:14.279 So what is the fine line to teeter there? And 0:05:14.320 --> 0:05:16.960 I'm not just asking for myself. I feel like a 0:05:17.040 --> 0:05:19.320 really great relationship with a lot of the listeners and 0:05:19.320 --> 0:05:21.520 the women that follow me on social media, and they 0:05:21.560 --> 0:05:23.599 share these same things with me, because the truth is 0:05:23.760 --> 0:05:26.120 is like I feel those things myself. What is the 0:05:26.160 --> 0:05:29.040 fine line to teeter there? Because right, I'm not trying 0:05:29.120 --> 0:05:30.839 to be a bitch, but because I'm a woman and 0:05:30.880 --> 0:05:33.400 I speak up for myself, well then i'm too much. 0:05:33.720 --> 0:05:35.120 So what is the fine line there? 0:05:35.560 --> 0:05:35.800 Yeah? 0:05:35.880 --> 0:05:39.760 I mean, of course there isn't like a perfect calculation, 0:05:40.200 --> 0:05:42.000 and what I'm about to say might feel like a 0:05:42.040 --> 0:05:44.479 cop up, but hang with me. I think mostly the 0:05:44.560 --> 0:05:48.800 fine line is going to be felt internally because I 0:05:48.839 --> 0:05:53.000 think we know when we're in advocacy mode, when we're grounded, 0:05:53.080 --> 0:05:56.279 when we're clear in our communication, and when we're standing 0:05:56.320 --> 0:05:59.200 up for what we know is right, and when we've 0:05:59.240 --> 0:06:03.560 sort of moved in to territory where we're being more 0:06:04.279 --> 0:06:08.920 defensive and looking to wound someone else right, I think 0:06:08.960 --> 0:06:13.640 we often know where it's crossed over. So I would 0:06:13.680 --> 0:06:17.160 say looking internally for like that uncomfortable feeling of like, ooh, 0:06:17.160 --> 0:06:20.120 I'm not feeling so good about this is one piece 0:06:20.200 --> 0:06:24.040 to keep in mind. The other sort of guiding tenants 0:06:24.040 --> 0:06:27.080 that I like to think of is being able to 0:06:27.279 --> 0:06:31.040 state what you want, what your expectation is, but doing 0:06:31.080 --> 0:06:32.560 it in a digestible way. 0:06:32.600 --> 0:06:34.920 What does that mean. It means like keeping. 0:06:34.560 --> 0:06:39.240 A neutral tone, using clear words, and trying to think 0:06:39.279 --> 0:06:43.040 about speaking to someone with respect even if we wildly 0:06:43.120 --> 0:06:45.880 disagree or even if they're in the middle of hurting us. 0:06:45.960 --> 0:06:49.360 Because to me, from a clinical and personal standpoint, there's 0:06:49.400 --> 0:06:52.880 nothing more empowering than staying in calm and groundedness and 0:06:52.960 --> 0:06:57.000 integrity even when you're upset and so being able to say, 0:06:57.040 --> 0:06:58.799 I won't let you speak to me that way. 0:06:58.880 --> 0:07:00.400 It's not happening. Now. 0:07:00.640 --> 0:07:03.000 You can either adjust and reset and try again, or 0:07:03.040 --> 0:07:05.720 I'm leaving to me. That's advocacy. I mean, those are 0:07:05.920 --> 0:07:08.600 strong words and creating a boundary for like I'm not 0:07:08.680 --> 0:07:12.400 letting anyone. I am not talking about letting someone disrespect 0:07:12.440 --> 0:07:15.760 you or treat you in a way that is outside 0:07:15.840 --> 0:07:18.560 of your value, absolutely not. But I am talking about 0:07:18.640 --> 0:07:22.160 like delivering that message in a calm, clear way to 0:07:22.200 --> 0:07:28.720 the extent possible whenever possible. And it's it's ultimately for us, really, 0:07:28.800 --> 0:07:30.920 I mean sure, it's sort of the quote right thing 0:07:30.960 --> 0:07:33.520 to do to the person in front of us. I mean, 0:07:33.560 --> 0:07:37.040 they may be awful, but we feel more grounded when 0:07:37.040 --> 0:07:40.480 we stay in that centered place inside of us, and 0:07:40.480 --> 0:07:43.840 then it carries through to other aspects of our life 0:07:43.840 --> 0:07:49.440 because when we become disregulated into the like aggressive aggression part, 0:07:49.720 --> 0:07:53.880 we just don't feel like ourselves. We feel disassembled and disempowered. 0:07:54.280 --> 0:07:56.640 And I feel like we I mean men and women 0:07:56.680 --> 0:08:01.200 alike often mistake aggression for power when it actually ends 0:08:01.240 --> 0:08:05.720 up feeling disempowering. We feel shame and eventually paralysis. But 0:08:05.840 --> 0:08:07.880 when we stay in advocacy. 0:08:07.400 --> 0:08:10.320 Probably that is what I like to call it, much. 0:08:10.080 --> 0:08:13.520 More playing spoken right, like an out of body experience 0:08:14.120 --> 0:08:16.000 to that point of compressed regulation. 0:08:16.600 --> 0:08:19.960 Yes, and I want to say this because those listening 0:08:20.400 --> 0:08:23.640 and this is an obvious next question, which is like okay, great, 0:08:23.720 --> 0:08:26.280 that sounds super aspirational, But what about when I don't, 0:08:26.640 --> 0:08:29.160 Because we're all not going to At times, we're all 0:08:29.160 --> 0:08:31.000 going to get triggered, we're all going to have a 0:08:31.040 --> 0:08:33.880 trauma response. Someone's going to be really, really awful one 0:08:33.920 --> 0:08:35.800 too many times, and we show up in a way 0:08:35.800 --> 0:08:38.440 that we don't feel good about. And I love to 0:08:38.559 --> 0:08:41.679 always say that we can always go back, right, We 0:08:41.720 --> 0:08:44.760 can always go back, even if the person has heard us, 0:08:44.800 --> 0:08:46.640 even if we're deciding we're not wanting to be with 0:08:46.679 --> 0:08:49.439 that person anymore, we can still say for our sake 0:08:49.679 --> 0:08:52.400 less than for their some version of like what I 0:08:52.400 --> 0:08:54.960 was saying earlier, because I love this phrasing, you know, 0:08:55.360 --> 0:08:58.200 like my message was on point, like not changing anything 0:08:58.200 --> 0:08:59.439 about what I was trying to convey to you, but 0:08:59.440 --> 0:09:00.920 I don't like the way said it, and you know, 0:09:00.960 --> 0:09:02.240 I want to take responsibility for that. 0:09:02.280 --> 0:09:03.480 I'm sorry. I'm sorry for it. 0:09:03.520 --> 0:09:05.200 I was out of integrity, I was like out of 0:09:05.200 --> 0:09:06.319 how I wanted to show up. 0:09:06.640 --> 0:09:07.880 And that's about us. 0:09:08.120 --> 0:09:10.600 And the more we do that, the more we kind 0:09:10.640 --> 0:09:14.160 of cobble together a sense of self that is very 0:09:14.200 --> 0:09:16.440 grounding and that we can return to again and again 0:09:16.480 --> 0:09:19.640 as like a safe haven internally, we don't feel as 0:09:19.720 --> 0:09:23.840 safe when we ourselves are so dysregulated or aggressive. It 0:09:23.880 --> 0:09:25.959 just doesn't feel as safe to be inside our skin. 0:09:26.640 --> 0:09:30.280 So I like to like advocate for this as a 0:09:30.720 --> 0:09:35.800 self advocacy proposition. It's not for the other, and so 0:09:35.880 --> 0:09:38.880 that's why the conceptualization doesn't change in terms of how 0:09:38.920 --> 0:09:39.920 bad the other is. 0:09:40.720 --> 0:09:41.920 It's really for us. 0:09:42.760 --> 0:09:45.240 Yeah, Okay, I love everything that you said, but I 0:09:45.280 --> 0:09:47.800 am also going to know that it's way easier said 0:09:47.840 --> 0:09:48.319 than done. 0:09:48.520 --> 0:09:50.360 Exactly why just say what I said, right? 0:09:50.920 --> 0:09:54.199 And sometimes I get just exhausted with myself because I 0:09:54.280 --> 0:09:57.160 feel like I do so much work on me and 0:09:57.200 --> 0:09:59.120 I do so much work on my healing because I 0:09:59.160 --> 0:10:02.240 really want to be healthy and well for myself, for 0:10:02.360 --> 0:10:04.359 my children, for hopefully another relationship. 0:10:04.360 --> 0:10:08.560 That I get exhausted with the amount of work I 0:10:08.640 --> 0:10:11.600 do on myself. And then you know what else, I 0:10:11.600 --> 0:10:13.679 say this all the time. I get exhausted with being 0:10:13.720 --> 0:10:17.600 the only person doing the work at every turn, doing 0:10:17.679 --> 0:10:19.480 all of the therapy, doing all of the things because 0:10:19.480 --> 0:10:21.240 I want to be better. It becomes exhausting to have 0:10:21.280 --> 0:10:23.720 to deal with people who are not also putting in 0:10:23.760 --> 0:10:26.400 the time and effort. But I wanted to. I know, 0:10:26.400 --> 0:10:29.120 we have a few minutes left, and I'm just so 0:10:29.160 --> 0:10:31.520 grateful that you did this. I was joking with Heather, 0:10:31.600 --> 0:10:33.160 our producer, because she was like, we only have this 0:10:33.200 --> 0:10:34.600 amount of time, and I was like, we all know 0:10:34.640 --> 0:10:35.920 I can talk to a wall, I could do this, 0:10:36.200 --> 0:10:38.199 so we will have to have you back because I 0:10:38.280 --> 0:10:40.640 love stuff like this and I find them so healing 0:10:40.720 --> 0:10:45.160 and so helpful. But it's obviously a dating podcast, and 0:10:45.200 --> 0:10:47.080 that's the place where I am in my life, and 0:10:47.360 --> 0:10:50.280 I didn't I didn't date for some time. I've been 0:10:50.320 --> 0:10:52.839 divorced for and not with my ex husband for some time, 0:10:52.880 --> 0:10:58.959 and I really spent some space with myself trying to heal. 0:10:59.160 --> 0:11:01.280 I knew that I was as a whole. Therefore I 0:11:01.320 --> 0:11:04.280 could not possibly take on anyone else. And I do 0:11:04.440 --> 0:11:07.280 like to do that. I like to give my full 0:11:07.400 --> 0:11:10.280 self to any relationship. And I don't just mean with 0:11:10.400 --> 0:11:12.800 the opposite sex. I mean in friendships or with my 0:11:12.840 --> 0:11:14.800 family or anybody else. And so I knew that there 0:11:14.840 --> 0:11:16.880 was a lot of work to be done. And now 0:11:16.920 --> 0:11:19.640 that I am moving into that space of wanting to 0:11:19.720 --> 0:11:22.680 find someone, I'm dealing with two things here. Hey, there's 0:11:22.679 --> 0:11:25.319 the frustration with my God, I'm like, Okay, when is 0:11:25.360 --> 0:11:26.120 it going to happen for me? 0:11:26.200 --> 0:11:26.480 Lord? 0:11:26.960 --> 0:11:29.200 And I'm not alone. I imagine many women say that, 0:11:29.320 --> 0:11:34.680 But I am asking you and for everyone else listening, 0:11:34.679 --> 0:11:37.840 who's there with me? How do we do this the 0:11:37.960 --> 0:11:41.520 dating piece and not make the same mistake twice? I 0:11:41.559 --> 0:11:45.080 don't ever want to relive what I have gone through again. 0:11:45.400 --> 0:11:47.120 I don't want to make the same mistake twice, and 0:11:47.120 --> 0:11:50.400 I don't think I will because I learn and I grow. 0:11:50.480 --> 0:11:54.240 But like, what can I do moving into a dating space? 0:11:55.760 --> 0:11:58.480 And maybe I preface that way with I'm not looking 0:11:58.480 --> 0:12:02.240 to be someone's side piece. I'm not looking to casually 0:12:02.520 --> 0:12:05.600 date for fun. I'm not looking for just a sexual 0:12:05.880 --> 0:12:11.920 based relationship. I'm looking for someone to share life with, 0:12:12.200 --> 0:12:14.559 to do life with. I am looking for a partner. 0:12:15.280 --> 0:12:18.600 That's what I really want, And so I'm hoping maybe 0:12:18.640 --> 0:12:22.760 you could share with me, how do I not make 0:12:22.800 --> 0:12:25.640 the same mistakes twice? How can I do this and 0:12:25.720 --> 0:12:29.400 find a really wonderful, valuable relationship next? 0:12:30.040 --> 0:12:35.280 I love this question so again to think about it. 0:12:35.640 --> 0:12:39.320 Macro and micro. That advocacy piece that we were just 0:12:39.400 --> 0:12:43.800 talking about applies here on the macro basis don't be 0:12:43.880 --> 0:12:47.079 afraid to say what it is you're looking for and 0:12:47.160 --> 0:12:50.439 what it is you want when you're on dates, when 0:12:50.440 --> 0:12:52.480 you're vetting, when you're getting to know someone. I mean, 0:12:52.520 --> 0:12:55.319 obviously we're not going to open with like, HI want 0:12:55.360 --> 0:12:57.520 to get married and I want this kind of relationship, 0:12:57.559 --> 0:13:02.720 but quickly, I mean, Gabe two three starting to talk 0:13:02.760 --> 0:13:05.040 about I'm in a phase. I'm in a season of 0:13:05.040 --> 0:13:07.360 my life where I just know myself. I know who 0:13:07.400 --> 0:13:10.360 I am, I know what I want, and like, I 0:13:10.400 --> 0:13:12.960 want a relationship that has death. I want a relationship 0:13:13.000 --> 0:13:15.880 that has that is with someone that's interested in emotional 0:13:15.920 --> 0:13:18.960 intimacy and like, you know, working through stuff, like cares 0:13:19.000 --> 0:13:21.679 about what our communication looks like, like not afraid to 0:13:21.679 --> 0:13:24.319 say it's gonna say it out loud that like doesn't 0:13:24.360 --> 0:13:26.960 resonate cool, like let's let's finish our coffee, and like 0:13:26.960 --> 0:13:27.880 wish each other well. 0:13:27.960 --> 0:13:28.080 Right. 0:13:28.200 --> 0:13:32.800 There's something that is both grounding about that kind of advocacy, 0:13:33.120 --> 0:13:38.120 and most men report that there's something very attractive about 0:13:38.160 --> 0:13:40.880 a woman being able to speak her truth that way 0:13:40.920 --> 0:13:44.720 with confidence and sounds cliche, but if someone hears you 0:13:44.760 --> 0:13:47.880 speak a version of this and is scared off or 0:13:48.040 --> 0:13:50.200 turned off. I mean, obviously that wouldn't. 0:13:49.840 --> 0:13:50.400 Be your person. 0:13:50.480 --> 0:13:54.040 You really want someone who hears this from you and 0:13:54.400 --> 0:13:57.080 is intrigued and interested and wants to and wants to 0:13:57.080 --> 0:14:01.280 hear and know. More So, being an advocate for what 0:14:01.360 --> 0:14:03.760 you want and feeling confident like you have a right 0:14:03.800 --> 0:14:07.000 to do so is really important. I think it's important 0:14:07.000 --> 0:14:10.080 to believe people when they say things. So if someone 0:14:10.320 --> 0:14:12.839 seems confused when you talk about what I just was 0:14:12.880 --> 0:14:16.040 alluding to, or directly says like, yeah, you know, I've 0:14:16.080 --> 0:14:17.679 never been in therapy, or like I had never really 0:14:17.720 --> 0:14:19.920 thought about that, or that's not exactly my kind of thing, 0:14:19.960 --> 0:14:24.160 but maybe believe what they say. If that doesn't resonate, 0:14:24.200 --> 0:14:26.800 if they reflect on the fact that that isn't kind 0:14:26.840 --> 0:14:29.280 of where they've been in the past or what their 0:14:29.320 --> 0:14:33.120 particular focus is on, believe them. We have a responsibility, 0:14:33.360 --> 0:14:36.720 given that word like managing our love life with intention, 0:14:37.280 --> 0:14:40.840 to pay attention to those things, and that can mean 0:14:40.960 --> 0:14:45.000 walking away from potential. But if you're looking for something 0:14:45.040 --> 0:14:48.360 to be different, you have to do something differently, and 0:14:48.400 --> 0:14:50.920 so you really have to be present to what people 0:14:50.960 --> 0:14:53.080 are saying and believe them and turn the other way 0:14:53.120 --> 0:14:55.760 when it's not aligned. I mean, it's not that black 0:14:55.800 --> 0:14:58.840 and white or dichotomous, of course, often, but when it is, 0:14:58.960 --> 0:15:00.200 pay attention to it. 0:15:11.000 --> 0:15:16.520 Dating is exhausting. Relationships are exhausting. The things that you 0:15:16.560 --> 0:15:18.680 have to consciously think of to make sure you're getting 0:15:18.680 --> 0:15:20.880 what you want and your needs are met, as well 0:15:20.920 --> 0:15:24.000 as caring for another human being and making sure their 0:15:24.080 --> 0:15:28.880 needs are met and that you're in a really a 0:15:28.920 --> 0:15:32.920 good place enough to do so. It truly is exhausting. 0:15:34.080 --> 0:15:35.560 It takes up The other thing I was going to 0:15:35.600 --> 0:15:38.640 say is kind of on the micro level is mindfulness, 0:15:38.720 --> 0:15:40.920 which is to your point why it's so exhausting. 0:15:41.080 --> 0:15:43.040 It is, Am I mindful? 0:15:43.080 --> 0:15:44.600 Am I all healed? And I'm going to be. 0:15:44.560 --> 0:15:49.200 Okay, Well that what you're asking is actually a good 0:15:49.240 --> 0:15:51.120 springboard for me to say what I was going to say, 0:15:51.200 --> 0:15:54.400 which might sound further exhausting. But to your point that 0:15:54.440 --> 0:15:56.840 you were saying at the beginning, it's not dichotomous. It's 0:15:56.840 --> 0:15:59.440 not like I'm healed and now I'm done right. It's 0:15:59.480 --> 0:16:02.680 a lifelong pursuit to be aware of how we're moving 0:16:02.720 --> 0:16:06.040 through the world and how we show up affects other people, 0:16:06.200 --> 0:16:09.000 and to be open to feedback and to stand outside 0:16:09.000 --> 0:16:12.040 of our feelings and advocate for them and talk about them, 0:16:12.040 --> 0:16:15.480 and to take responsibility in terms of how we affect 0:16:15.520 --> 0:16:20.720 other people. It's an ongoing pursuit, and so I always 0:16:20.760 --> 0:16:23.120 hesitant when people try to think about it. Am I 0:16:23.440 --> 0:16:27.680 am I ready? Am I healed? It's not an unworthy 0:16:28.200 --> 0:16:30.600 set of questions to ask oneself, but it's really an 0:16:30.640 --> 0:16:35.280 ongoing thing. And so I think the mindfulness piece of 0:16:35.360 --> 0:16:37.480 like how am I showing up? And how do I 0:16:37.520 --> 0:16:40.360 feel about it? And when I show up in a 0:16:40.400 --> 0:16:42.880 way that I don't feel good about instead of like 0:16:43.280 --> 0:16:46.320 feeling ashamed and then kind of suppressing or ignoring it, 0:16:46.360 --> 0:16:48.360 like really looking at it, Oh, I got kind of 0:16:48.360 --> 0:16:49.120 just regulated there. 0:16:49.400 --> 0:16:51.560 When do what happen? Like what was going on for me? 0:16:51.640 --> 0:16:54.320 What trauma response, what vulnerability was coming up for me? 0:16:54.400 --> 0:16:56.560 And like how might I do that differently next time? 0:16:57.000 --> 0:17:00.240 You have to continuously, bravely interact with those parts of 0:17:00.360 --> 0:17:03.120 yourself that are like wounded or scared or afraid or 0:17:03.160 --> 0:17:05.760 shut down or do get dysregulated. That's all of us, 0:17:05.800 --> 0:17:08.880 by the way, So if we're not building a relationship 0:17:08.920 --> 0:17:11.879 with those hard parts of ourselves, it's going to be 0:17:12.040 --> 0:17:14.960 harder to show up the way that we want to 0:17:15.000 --> 0:17:18.600 in a relationship. So the mindfulness is a key part 0:17:18.800 --> 0:17:19.760 as you're going through. 0:17:20.520 --> 0:17:23.600 I'm so glad that you said that, because there is 0:17:23.640 --> 0:17:26.280 a moment where I get a little frustrated with myself 0:17:26.280 --> 0:17:30.960 and I think, Okay, my little daddy issues, right, my abandonment. 0:17:31.000 --> 0:17:33.200 Stuff that's not going to carry me into the next relationship, 0:17:33.280 --> 0:17:34.440 is not going to go with me. But the truth 0:17:34.480 --> 0:17:36.720 of the matter is some of those things are deep wounds. 0:17:37.280 --> 0:17:40.480 And I am a visual person, and I say this 0:17:40.560 --> 0:17:41.800 in a sense of like when you look at a 0:17:41.840 --> 0:17:45.000 scar on your body, the scar is there, it's never 0:17:45.040 --> 0:17:47.760 going to leave. Right, there is a scar here. It's 0:17:47.800 --> 0:17:49.639 always going to be there. It's never going to leave. 0:17:49.720 --> 0:17:52.719 And that is the truth of what is deep in 0:17:52.800 --> 0:17:55.879 my soul. There are scars there. Those things happen to me. 0:17:56.320 --> 0:17:58.800 They can be really beautiful, but they can also get 0:17:58.880 --> 0:18:02.480 hold of me at times to and take over. And 0:18:02.560 --> 0:18:05.280 those are things, good and bad that I do carry 0:18:05.320 --> 0:18:08.240 into every other relationship. And I'm only saying this out 0:18:08.320 --> 0:18:11.919 loud to you because I have to tell myself, and 0:18:11.960 --> 0:18:13.960 maybe I'm telling this little girl that needs to be 0:18:14.040 --> 0:18:16.919 nurtured is like I don't need to be ashamed of 0:18:16.960 --> 0:18:22.280 those things, right, And I was carrying so much and 0:18:22.440 --> 0:18:25.679 was shamed so much for these trauma things that I 0:18:25.720 --> 0:18:28.600 brought up. That the truth is, and tell me if 0:18:28.600 --> 0:18:31.600 I'm wrong, doctor Hillary, But like, the truth is, I 0:18:31.640 --> 0:18:35.320 don't have to be ashamed of these things. I have scars, 0:18:35.680 --> 0:18:38.399 I have things that I have taken from every relationship 0:18:38.400 --> 0:18:40.920 that will go with me into other ones. And there 0:18:41.000 --> 0:18:42.399 is beauty in that. 0:18:42.680 --> 0:18:46.399 Correct the ultimate and self advocacy. What you're doing right now, 0:18:46.400 --> 0:18:49.159 I actually I got the chills. Yes, yes, yes, yes, 0:18:49.240 --> 0:18:52.200 I mean the more we build a relationship with those 0:18:52.240 --> 0:18:56.680 parts of ourselves, I mean, like a strong, loving relationship 0:18:56.680 --> 0:18:59.240 with those parts of ourselves, not just be like okay, 0:18:59.280 --> 0:19:02.160 I guess be around, but like come closer, come in, 0:19:02.280 --> 0:19:05.560 let me hold you. As we move through integration, that 0:19:05.600 --> 0:19:07.879 those are parts of ourselves that we are going to 0:19:07.920 --> 0:19:12.639 have to care for, love, manage, and sometimes they're going 0:19:12.680 --> 0:19:14.080 to be in the driver's seat and we're going to 0:19:14.119 --> 0:19:16.440 gently be like, oops, you ended up in the driver's seat. 0:19:16.440 --> 0:19:18.399 I'm not supposed to drive anymore. So I'm gonna generally 0:19:18.520 --> 0:19:21.720 like put you in the back and take over again. Right, 0:19:22.280 --> 0:19:25.200 So owning that, like, yes, I have parts of myself 0:19:25.280 --> 0:19:28.639 that parts of myself that are wounded, and parts of 0:19:28.640 --> 0:19:32.520 myself that will feel easily abandoned or easily dismissed. And 0:19:32.920 --> 0:19:34.760 those are things I have to watch and I have 0:19:34.840 --> 0:19:37.919 to manage. But I'm not shaming them when they come up. No, 0:19:38.080 --> 0:19:40.600 I expect them to come up, So I greet them 0:19:40.600 --> 0:19:42.720 with kindness, and I welcome them in. I try to 0:19:42.720 --> 0:19:44.919 get to know them better and help them heal. Like 0:19:45.240 --> 0:19:47.439 when of your kiddos came and said they were in 0:19:47.480 --> 0:19:50.200 pain about something that happened at school, you wouldn't be like, 0:19:50.240 --> 0:19:52.679 are you still talking about that? You know still that 0:19:52.720 --> 0:19:55.040 happened yesterday, that happened last year. You would hold space 0:19:55.040 --> 0:19:58.119 for as long as it hurts. And it's the same thing, 0:19:58.480 --> 0:20:02.800 you know exponentially with trauma. So expecting those things to 0:20:02.840 --> 0:20:06.719 come up and holding it lovingly rather than with shame 0:20:07.160 --> 0:20:10.760 changes everything, because the minute we apply shame to those 0:20:10.800 --> 0:20:14.080 parts of ourselves, it gets suppressed and we go into 0:20:14.200 --> 0:20:17.960 like a paralysis, and we then we have no choices, 0:20:18.240 --> 0:20:20.280 and so then we get stuck in those responses we 0:20:20.280 --> 0:20:22.920 don't feel good about, as opposed to like, yeah, there 0:20:22.960 --> 0:20:25.080 that is again, and I'm going to make amends if 0:20:25.080 --> 0:20:27.679 that part of me hurts someone else, and then I'm 0:20:27.720 --> 0:20:30.119 going to take good care of it and decide, like 0:20:30.240 --> 0:20:32.679 what would advocacy look like in this moment, and like 0:20:32.800 --> 0:20:34.200 keep trying, keep practicing. 0:20:34.480 --> 0:20:35.080