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Speaker 1: Hey, this is Angie and this is Riley. Your favorite

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Speaker 1: My sisters are not excited for my wedding, even though

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Speaker 1: I was supportive of theirs. Oh not fair, not very fair.

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Speaker 1: I thirty seven female, have been with my fiance for

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Speaker 1: twelve years. We've been engaged for seven of those years,

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Speaker 1: and recently decided.

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Speaker 3: To finally tie the knot.

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Speaker 1: By the way, this comes from a user, and if

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Speaker 1: you want to submit your own stories, go to the

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Speaker 1: our statuecase story. Tom suburt It. I'm Dakota and.

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Speaker 3: I'm Savannah, and we're here.

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Speaker 1: To give you good advice. Goofully. But we don't have

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Speaker 1: all the answers. We just know what we'd do, So

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Speaker 1: let us know what you would do down in the

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Speaker 1: comments and op he says, I'm writing this two weeks

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Speaker 1: before my wedding. Eh Oh, it was a bit rushed.

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Speaker 1: I got tired of waiting and decided I wanted to

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Speaker 1: do it as soon as possible. I want a small,

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Speaker 1: intimate ceremony at home with just his mother and brother,

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Speaker 1: my parents, my siblings, one close cousin, and my best friend.

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Speaker 1: We chose the wedding date six weeks before the actual

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Speaker 1: day because it's a small affair. I thought that would

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Speaker 1: be enough time to plan. This is where my sisters

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Speaker 1: come in. After I secured the date with the wedding officer,

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Speaker 1: I messaged my best friend and my sister thirty four female,

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Speaker 1: let's call her Sammy, and ask them to be my

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Speaker 1: witnesses for my fiance and me. Sammy congratulated me and

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Speaker 1: seemed sincere and happy for me. Then I announced it

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Speaker 1: in our family group chat with my mom, Sammy, and

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Speaker 1: my youngest sister, twenty seven female, Brandy. My mom congratulated

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Speaker 1: me and expressed how happy she was. Brandy, on the

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Speaker 1: other hand, reacted with just a white heart emoji. Well,

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Speaker 1: at least it's a white heart. It's thematic.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, what I feel like? White heart emoji?

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Speaker 2: At least it's not like a mad face or you know,

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Speaker 2: like ew something like it could have been way worse,

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Speaker 2: Like she's just spatted with a heart of ooj. I

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Speaker 2: feel like that's doing.

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Speaker 1: She could with How dare you right?

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Speaker 2: It could have been like much worse?

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Speaker 1: That would have been a whole other can of worms.

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Speaker 2: I guess because she didn't say like, oh, congrats, or

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Speaker 2: like am I so happy for you? Or something like

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Speaker 2: it didn't have like a message behind.

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Speaker 1: It, Yeah, white heart. Some background about my relationship. We've

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Speaker 1: been together for twelve years. We got engaged five years

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Speaker 1: in and have been engaged for seven years now. We

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Speaker 1: moved in together shortly after the engagement. Throughout those years,

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Speaker 1: I dealt with a lot of side comments about still

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Speaker 1: not being married, especially since both my sisters are married

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Speaker 1: and I'm the oldest. My mom even once joked that

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Speaker 1: I was on layaway. This definitely contributed to me deciding

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Speaker 1: to just get it done, even though we never needed

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Speaker 1: a piece of paper to validate our relationship. This is

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Speaker 1: the first big thing to happen in my life since

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Speaker 1: the birth of my son fourteen years ago. And here's

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Speaker 1: why I'm hurt. When Sammy got engaged, I was over

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Speaker 1: the moon for I basically appointed myself or maid of

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Speaker 1: honor because I knew if I didn't step in, she'd

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Speaker 1: still be in gauged today. Funny considering how long I

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Speaker 1: ended up being engaged. I booked her venue, I went

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Speaker 1: dress shopping with her, I handled the food and decor

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Speaker 1: I helped with everything because I genuinely wanted her day

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Speaker 1: to be special. I planned her bachelorette My friend and

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Speaker 1: I paid for her themed bachelorette outfits, mine, hers, and

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Speaker 1: the decorations all out of our pockets. On her wedding day,

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Speaker 1: I made sure everything ran smoothly and even researched wedding

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Speaker 1: games to make the reception fun. Later, when she got pregnant,

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Speaker 1: I planned her baby shower with Brandy. I wasn't working

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Speaker 1: at the time, so I couldn't contribute much financially, but

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Speaker 1: I designed all the games on Kenva, decorated the venue,

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Speaker 1: and did everything I could to make it special for Brandy.

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Speaker 1: I couldn't do much for her wedding because she had

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Speaker 1: a Muslim ceremony and I didn't really know the customs,

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Speaker 1: but for her baby shower, which was five years before Sammy's,

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Speaker 1: I was working then and helped the same way with

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Speaker 1: planning decorations and games. Sammy and I even split the

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Speaker 1: cost of her to reveal cake and decor I've always

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Speaker 1: shown up for my sisters and made sure their big

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Speaker 1: moments were celebrated. I never did any of this because

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Speaker 1: I expected anything in return. I'm not listing these things

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Speaker 1: to say they owe me. I just want to explain

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Speaker 1: that I genuinely put in effort to make their important

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Speaker 1: days special. Now Here we are. It's two weeks before

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Speaker 1: my wedding, four weeks since I told them, and not

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Speaker 1: one of them is called to discuss details, asked if

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Speaker 1: I have a dress or if I need help. I've

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Speaker 1: been planning everything on my own. My friend is helping me,

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Speaker 1: but mostly it's just me. Even my mother hasn't asked

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Speaker 1: if I need anything. It really hurts because it feels

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Speaker 1: like they don't care. My coworkers are more excited than

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Speaker 1: my own family. My manager literally sings, I'm going to

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Speaker 1: the chapel and I'm gonna get married. Every day it goes.

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Speaker 1: How does it go?

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Speaker 2: Going to the chapel, Ana gone and get married.

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Speaker 1: That's how it goes. She even planned a bridle shower

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Speaker 1: for me next week. She feels like the only thing

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Speaker 1: my family is going to do is show up. So

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Speaker 1: I don't know. Am I expecting too much from them?

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Speaker 1: I only gave them six weeks to work with and

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Speaker 1: there is an update.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that song's gonna be my head. Thanks.

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Speaker 1: I think I should clear up a few things from

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Speaker 1: my original post because I left out a lot of

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Speaker 1: information while trying to keep it short. When I said

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Speaker 1: I appointed myself as my sister's maid of honor, it's

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Speaker 1: because we're genuinely very close. My sister doesn't really have

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Speaker 1: friends outside of family. My best friend is the closest

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Speaker 1: thing she has to a non relative friend. So there

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Speaker 1: weren't any bridesmaids simply because she didn't have anyone to ask.

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Speaker 1: She made all the decisions for her wedding. All I

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Speaker 1: ever tried to do is make sure she knew I

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Speaker 1: was there to support her. She chose the venue. I

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Speaker 1: was just the one who booked it because I had

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Speaker 1: access to a phone at work For all the events

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Speaker 1: I helped plan. It was never about being controlling or

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Speaker 1: taking over if that couldn't be farther from the truth.

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Speaker 1: My sisters are not shy at all. If they didn't

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Speaker 1: like something, they would have told me immediately. We're very close,

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Speaker 1: video call every weekend, and they've always spoken up when

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Speaker 1: something has bothered them. That's for my long and engagement.

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Speaker 1: It wasn't because I wanted a big wedding. Honestly, I

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Speaker 1: wanted a court wedding and a small celebration after. But

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Speaker 1: in South Africa, it isn't as easy as you'd think.

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Speaker 1: We were sent away multiple times because home affairs was

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Speaker 1: fully booked or the hues were too long. Ad the

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Speaker 1: VID and periods of unemployment on both sides, and life

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Speaker 1: kept getting in the way. My cousin recently got married

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Speaker 1: at home by a marriage officer, and I didn't even

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Speaker 1: know that was an option. She gave me the contact,

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Speaker 1: and the only available date he had was the one

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Speaker 1: I chose. Now why I'm upset. I was never expecting

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Speaker 1: a big celebration or for anyone to throw me anything extravagant.

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Speaker 1: My family knows I'm not that kind of person. What

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Speaker 1: hurts is the lack of interest. We're extremely close, so

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Speaker 1: I truly thought they would want to share in the excitement,

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Speaker 1: even for something as small and overdue as this. I

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Speaker 1: thought they'd want to know what I'm planning, what I'm with,

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Speaker 1: or even just what time they should show up. I

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Speaker 1: didn't want a bridle shower because I know it's short notice.

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Speaker 1: I just didn't expect to be planning my wedding alone.

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Speaker 1: And it's not like the festive season is a huge

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Speaker 1: deal for us. We just have a simple lunch. My

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Speaker 1: other sister is Muslim, so the Christmas rush doesn't really

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Speaker 1: affect her anyway. A lot of people have said, I'm

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Speaker 1: the ahle and my expectations are too high, But is

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Speaker 1: it really too much to expect a check in? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's that's I don't think your expectations are too high,

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Speaker 1: that you just want them to be like enthusiastic and

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Speaker 1: happy for me.

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Speaker 3: I think that.

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Speaker 2: I don't know. It's when it comes to like sisters

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Speaker 2: and stuff, especially if you're like the older one, I

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Speaker 2: feel like you do kind of get tossed in the side.

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Speaker 2: I'm not the older.

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Speaker 1: One, but she's seen it happen.

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Speaker 3: But I have.

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Speaker 2: I feel like it's especially like depending on who you

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Speaker 2: are as a person. My older sister's very type a

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Speaker 2: like likes thing to be done this way and gets

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Speaker 2: very upset if they are not done in the way

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Speaker 2: that she wants and da da da, and things have

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Speaker 2: to be you know, like this time, that time, whatever,

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Speaker 2: Like everything's planned, so like if something doesn't go as planned,

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Speaker 2: it's like the end of the freaking world. So I

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Speaker 2: would understand if like they didn't want to get involved

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Speaker 2: because of that. Maybe, but it I don't know. I

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Speaker 2: would have to get like more information, I guess.

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Speaker 1: So is it really too much to expect a check in,

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Speaker 1: a how's it going? Or what are you wearing? Or

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Speaker 1: even just a call to ask me what time things start?

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Speaker 1: Maybe I am the a hole for expecting the same

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Speaker 1: level of interest I gave them. But no one can

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Speaker 1: say I wasn't genuinely happy for my sisters. I'm just

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Speaker 1: not sure they feel the same way for me. I

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Speaker 1: think I should have changed my title instead of upset,

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Speaker 1: I should have said disappointed. And there is a second update. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I think honestly, where all this is coming from is

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Speaker 1: Op just wants her sisters to be.

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Speaker 3: Like, yay, oh my god, do you have a dress?

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Speaker 1: What's the date? Are you gonna do this? Are you

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Speaker 1: gonna do that?

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Speaker 3: This is such big sister energy too.

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Speaker 2: It's like, well, I did everything for your guys and stuff.

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Speaker 2: I did this and I did that, so like, why

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Speaker 2: is no one doing it for me?

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Speaker 3: You know type of thing.

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Speaker 1: I don't think she's like that, No, she's like she's

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Speaker 1: more like I did that thing, and I did I

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Speaker 1: did so many old things.

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Speaker 2: Why does there anybody want to do them for me.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I think she's being more like that as well.

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Speaker 1: I don't think and it's like you're you're you're zero

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Speaker 1: to one hundred and six weeks, there's no time.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I feel like she's zerodo one hundred.

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Speaker 1: And six weeks during the holidays that people don't have

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Speaker 1: time for that.

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Speaker 2: And if she wants help, you could just ask for it,

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Speaker 2: be like, hey, guys, I you know I need help

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Speaker 2: for this, Like what do you think or something, or

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Speaker 2: like hey, let's have a sister day and can talk

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Speaker 2: about my wedding.

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Speaker 1: And then if they say no, then you can be

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Speaker 1: a little more disappointed.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I feel like you're kind of just like hoping

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Speaker 2: that they reach out, but like they're not, and then

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Speaker 2: you're getting mad.

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Speaker 1: So let's get into the second update posted in the

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Speaker 1: comments and was downvoted. This will be my last update.

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Speaker 1: A lot of people seem fixated on the fact that

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Speaker 1: I've been engaged for seven years, when that is not

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Speaker 1: the issue here. Her, my partner, and I wanted to

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Speaker 1: be financially stable before getting married. We didn't want to

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Speaker 1: rush into it just because people judged the length of

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Speaker 1: our engagements. Like so many of you are doing now?

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Speaker 1: What would be the point of getting married if we

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Speaker 1: couldn't even afford a place together afterward. Just because my

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Speaker 1: engagement was long, or because I'm thirty seven, it doesn't

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Speaker 1: take away the importance of the day. And is it

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Speaker 1: really so wrong to want to share that moment with

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Speaker 1: my family. I'm happy, truly happy to finally be marrying

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Speaker 1: my partner, to finally be his wife, and to carry

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Speaker 1: his last name. I had only six weeks to plan

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Speaker 1: this ceremony, and yes I am done calling it a wedding.

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Speaker 1: I finished everything with two weeks to spare. My issue

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Speaker 1: was never about wanting my sisters to plan anything. My

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Speaker 1: issue was that they never once took the time to

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Speaker 1: call and ask how things were going or what I

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Speaker 1: was planning for the day. I just wanted them to

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Speaker 1: show some interest. As my sisters. I didn't want them

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Speaker 1: to plan it. I handled that myself. All I wanted

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Speaker 1: was someone to bounce ideas off. Thankfully, my friend stepped

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Speaker 1: up and showed the interest I expected from my family.

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Speaker 1: Why couldn't they? I think the key here, Oh pe

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Speaker 1: baby girl, you had to tell them that how you

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Speaker 1: were feeling.

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Speaker 2: It's just such big sister energy like that's the thing.

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Speaker 2: It's just they expected. It's like, well, I did it

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Speaker 2: for you, I should effect you to do it to me.

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Speaker 1: They should have known.

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Speaker 2: And it's like everyone has their own lives. It's not

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Speaker 2: that we're trying to be mean and not care about

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00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:39,839
Speaker 2: you and not put you first, you know whatever, or

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Speaker 2: not help you celebrate your big day. But like if

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Speaker 2: you need help, just ask for it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, Like it's not even about the help, it's about

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Speaker 1: the interest. Yeah. And I gotta say, well, being engaged

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Speaker 1: for seven years, it's like you're already married. Honestly, at

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Speaker 1: that point, you've done, you're married, and it it's like, oh, yeah,

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Speaker 1: you're making it official. It congrats. But it's not like

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Speaker 1: it's like, oh this crazy it's happening. It's like it

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Speaker 1: already happened at some point. You guys just you know,

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Speaker 1: had a long engagement. Yeah, Brandy, my baby sister got

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Speaker 1: married Muslim within a month and I whoa a month.

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Speaker 1: That's crazy. And I was still there for her if

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Speaker 1: she needed help with anything. Regarding the other events I

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Speaker 1: planned for my sisters, I never took over. I did

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Speaker 1: them because that's what family does, planning their bachelorette parties

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Speaker 1: and baby showers. Wasn't a burden. I was happy to

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Speaker 1: do it, and they were happy. I did to everyone

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Speaker 1: who suggested. I talked to my sisters. Thank you. I

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00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:47,920
Speaker 1: did speak to them. We cleared the air. They apologized

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Speaker 1: and assured me that they are happy for me and

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Speaker 1: said that if I needed help, I should ask them.

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Speaker 1: I explained that I didn't need help. I needed them

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Speaker 1: involved in the decision making, no matter how small. This

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Speaker 1: yere mony was so all right. We're talking semantics here.

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Speaker 1: They're saying, if you needed help, let us know. And

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Speaker 1: You're like, well, to be clear, I didn't need your help.

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Speaker 1: I could have done this all by myself, but I

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Speaker 1: wanted it, so you needed it. She said something, Right,

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Speaker 1: that's how it is. I get. I still wanted certain

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Speaker 1: things like photos at the beach, and I wanted them

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Speaker 1: to be part of those moments. And that is the

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Speaker 1: end of that story. Oh that's hey, you cleared the air.

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Speaker 1: Good good ONNYA.

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Speaker 2: Moral of the story, just communicate what you want, truly.

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Speaker 1: Moral of the story is always clear the air. Clear

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Speaker 1: it quick, and that's the end of this story. We're

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Speaker 1: gonna go on to the next one.

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Speaker 2: My sister avoided me for years, even though we were

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Speaker 2: separated as children.

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Speaker 1: So she was already used to avoiding you for years.

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Speaker 2: I was born in England with two older siblings, a

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Speaker 2: brother who was two years older than me and a

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Speaker 2: sister who is six years older. We share the same

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Speaker 2: mother but different fathers. My parents' relationship was dysfunction at best.

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Speaker 2: Both of them have their own horrible events and their

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00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:06,959
Speaker 2: upbringing that have made them who they are, for better

294
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Speaker 2: or worse. By the way, this comes from Dante's Cheese.

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Speaker 2: And if you want to submit your own stories, go

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Speaker 2: to the r slash Okay storytime subreddit. I am Savannah,

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Speaker 2: I'm na Kota, and we're here to give you good

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Speaker 2: advice Goofiley, But obviously we don't have all the answers,

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Speaker 2: and we would love to know what you would do

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00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:27,000
Speaker 2: in the comments. And we're gonna tell you what we

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Speaker 2: would do a ride now.

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Speaker 1: Sorry, I'm just plugging my nose because Dante's cheese is

303
00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:31,880
Speaker 1: so steaky.

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Speaker 2: As Op says, when I was three months old, my

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00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:41,000
Speaker 2: father and mother abruptly split up and he placed me

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00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:43,280
Speaker 2: on a flight to his home country while my mother

307
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Speaker 2: was at work, cutting contact completely.

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Speaker 1: Oh that sounds illegal. Wow.

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Speaker 3: Yeah. Uh.

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Speaker 2: There's a long, uncomfortable history with this that I have

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00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:56,080
Speaker 2: yet to find answers for because both sides won't give

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00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:59,280
Speaker 2: me the complete honest account of what transpired. He took

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Speaker 2: me away and the phone wire in the house, so

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00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:05,600
Speaker 2: my sister six couldn't tell my mother what had happened

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Speaker 2: until she arrived home, but then it was too late.

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Speaker 2: Fast forward a few months, my mother pursued a case

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Speaker 2: against my father in court for kidnapping, but he surprisingly won.

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Speaker 1: Dang, what, well, that's crazy because he did that.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, he literally did that to you and he got

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Speaker 2: away with a that's okay.

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Speaker 1: Sure.

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Speaker 2: I grew up an only child. Effectively, my dad had

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Speaker 2: another daughter prior to me, but she was very distant

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Speaker 2: and grew up with her mother. I was raised knowing

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00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:35,880
Speaker 2: I had a brother and sister and had photos of

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Speaker 2: them from that brief period we were together. My father,

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Speaker 2: to his credit, never told me bad stories about my

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Speaker 2: mother growing up. He always maintained that they both did

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00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:47,560
Speaker 2: things wrong and always hoped I would have a relationship

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Speaker 2: with her and my siblings. When I was nine, I

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00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:53,480
Speaker 2: created a Facebook account and through sheer force of will,

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00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:57,360
Speaker 2: found her account and finally reconnected with my mother. She

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00:15:57,560 --> 00:16:00,560
Speaker 2: had married another man, had another daughter, and moved halfway

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00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:03,480
Speaker 2: across the world. She tried to organize trips for me

335
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:06,200
Speaker 2: to visit, but my father had his concerns and declined.

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Speaker 2: She was able to come visit me when I was eleven.

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Speaker 1: His concerns were that she was gonna kidnap you back. Yeah. Right.

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Speaker 2: She was able to come visit me when I was

339
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Speaker 2: eleven when I had my confirmation. She was here for

340
00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:21,520
Speaker 2: two weeks or so and had to cut her trip

341
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Speaker 2: short because of my sister getting attacked by a dog.

342
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Speaker 1: Oh no, so many things are happening, man.

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Speaker 2: My father doesn't believe that happened and holds resentment still

344
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Speaker 2: for her leaving early.

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Speaker 1: Okay, yoh, your dad sounds like he kind of sucks. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Fast forward a year. We had to drop my sister

347
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Speaker 2: off to the airport as she was doing charity work

348
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:43,120
Speaker 2: near Chernobyl.

349
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Speaker 1: What awesome.

350
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Speaker 2: Who did we run into at the airport but my mother.

351
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:53,280
Speaker 2: She came over to see friends in the capitol, but

352
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:55,920
Speaker 2: never mentioned it to me or my dad. My dad

353
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:59,280
Speaker 2: was disgusted, naturally, as one would have hoped she would

354
00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:02,080
Speaker 2: have wanted to see me after all, these years, I

355
00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:05,000
Speaker 2: developed a strong relationship with my brother through Facebook and

356
00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:07,879
Speaker 2: our shared interest in music. My youngest sister had a

357
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,680
Speaker 2: very keen interest in me, and we also had a

358
00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:13,800
Speaker 2: strong relationship, the kind where she pings you on MS

359
00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:19,520
Speaker 2: on messenger NonStop if you didn't reply immediately. Annoying, sure,

360
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:22,320
Speaker 2: but for someone who never had siblings growing up, it

361
00:17:22,359 --> 00:17:24,440
Speaker 2: felt like the right kind of interruption from a much

362
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:28,160
Speaker 2: younger sister. Oh yeah, My older sister messaged me sometimes,

363
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:30,280
Speaker 2: but we never had a bond like I had with

364
00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:33,800
Speaker 2: the other two. She was certainly more aloof than them,

365
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:36,320
Speaker 2: and I always chalked it up to her having her

366
00:17:36,359 --> 00:17:39,240
Speaker 2: own life. I would receive messages from my mother and

367
00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:41,959
Speaker 2: siblings sometimes who would update me on her life, and

368
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:44,400
Speaker 2: I could tell she was in a bad place, often

369
00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:47,960
Speaker 2: as she would be in an awful relationship. When I

370
00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:50,199
Speaker 2: turned eighteen, my mother paid for a flight for me

371
00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:52,280
Speaker 2: and my partner to make the long trek over to

372
00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:55,199
Speaker 2: them and finally meet my other family. We arrived at

373
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:57,879
Speaker 2: the airport and had a very emotional embrace with one another.

374
00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:01,000
Speaker 2: Aw my older sister I went to the bathroom for

375
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:03,760
Speaker 2: some time, and we went back to her apartment for festivities.

376
00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:06,760
Speaker 2: As expected, my time was mostly taken up with the

377
00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:09,680
Speaker 2: other two siblings I had made contact with. We stayed

378
00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:12,280
Speaker 2: in the country for three weeks. My oldest sister only

379
00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:14,680
Speaker 2: saw me twice during this trip, at the beginning when

380
00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:17,000
Speaker 2: we arrived at the airport and at the end when

381
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:19,800
Speaker 2: we departed. I held a lot of resentment towards her

382
00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:22,600
Speaker 2: for not seeing me more often. My mother had family

383
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:26,000
Speaker 2: nights planned where we all went out to dinner, but

384
00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:28,639
Speaker 2: she never showed up nor did she message me. During

385
00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:32,239
Speaker 2: my stay, I felt like a pariah and knew that

386
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:34,639
Speaker 2: no matter how hard I try to piece things together,

387
00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:37,440
Speaker 2: they would never be as they once were. I would

388
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:40,960
Speaker 2: always be the brother who was lost. Years go by

389
00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:44,280
Speaker 2: and my relationship with the big brother and younger sister

390
00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:47,840
Speaker 2: deepened more. He moves to England, as does my older sister,

391
00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:50,240
Speaker 2: and I visit him and he visits me. I tried

392
00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:53,000
Speaker 2: visiting her, but she cancels at the last minute. My

393
00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:57,280
Speaker 2: older sister and I only have surface level conversations Happy birthday,

394
00:18:57,359 --> 00:19:00,840
Speaker 2: miss you, hope you're doing well. Nothing develops past this stage.

395
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:04,920
Speaker 2: She gets engaged and has a baby boy despite the distance.

396
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:06,920
Speaker 2: I'm so proud of her and how well she's doing

397
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:10,520
Speaker 2: in life. Unfortunately, things go sour and she moves away

398
00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:13,359
Speaker 2: with her son, back halfway across the world due to

399
00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:17,359
Speaker 2: her father's unpleasant behavior towards her. She and I didn't

400
00:19:17,359 --> 00:19:20,320
Speaker 2: speak much for a long time after that. Messages were rare,

401
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:22,560
Speaker 2: a few check ins here and there, always warm, but

402
00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:26,080
Speaker 2: never deep. I figured that was just how things would stay.

403
00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:29,040
Speaker 2: Life moved on. She raised her son and built her

404
00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:32,280
Speaker 2: world around him. We existed on opposite sides of the planet,

405
00:19:32,359 --> 00:19:35,880
Speaker 2: quietly aware of each other, but never really together. Then

406
00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:41,000
Speaker 2: earlier this year, everything changed. My mother got engaged to

407
00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:43,320
Speaker 2: another man and invited all of us to the wedding.

408
00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:46,199
Speaker 2: It was the first time in over a decade that

409
00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:48,640
Speaker 2: we'd all be in the same place. I wasn't sure

410
00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:50,760
Speaker 2: what to expect. Part of me was excited, part of

411
00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:53,800
Speaker 2: me brace for another cold shoulder. When I finally saw

412
00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:57,000
Speaker 2: my sister again, there was something different. We didn't talk,

413
00:19:57,280 --> 00:20:00,000
Speaker 2: not much at first, just exchange polite smiles and hugs.

414
00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:03,040
Speaker 2: Watch the ceremony, had a few drinks. Later that night,

415
00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:06,600
Speaker 2: my siblings and I were outside drinking together quietly. My

416
00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:09,040
Speaker 2: sister addressed the elephant in the room and said, as

417
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:11,760
Speaker 2: the older siblings. She has a responsibility to talk to

418
00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:15,000
Speaker 2: me about things. We quietly go away from the crowd

419
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:17,760
Speaker 2: and start talking, really talking, for the first time in

420
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:21,000
Speaker 2: our lives. She began by telling me that not a

421
00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:23,840
Speaker 2: day went by that she didn't miss me. The day

422
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:26,400
Speaker 2: I left is a very vivid memory that haunted her

423
00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:29,880
Speaker 2: throughout her life. She was terrified of my dad. He's

424
00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:33,639
Speaker 2: an intimidating person, admittedly and by her account everything a

425
00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:35,000
Speaker 2: woman wants and a man.

426
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:36,680
Speaker 3: Tall, dark and handsome.

427
00:20:37,359 --> 00:20:41,240
Speaker 2: That's true, I physically resemble my dad, and seeing me

428
00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:44,560
Speaker 2: that day at the airport brought out unresolved trauma that

429
00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:47,560
Speaker 2: she didn't realize was buried deep down, and it festered.

430
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:51,520
Speaker 2: She feared for my safety, constantly worried that something might

431
00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:53,800
Speaker 2: happen to me as a child. Her trip to the

432
00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:56,879
Speaker 2: bathroom was, in actuality, a panic attack brought on by

433
00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:59,760
Speaker 2: the sight of me aw She told me for much

434
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:02,800
Speaker 2: of my trip that she laid awake at night, crying

435
00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:05,080
Speaker 2: herself to sleep, unable to bring herself to see me,

436
00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:07,360
Speaker 2: and all the pain that came from that night long

437
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:12,199
Speaker 2: ago that was awakened by my presence. She apologized constantly,

438
00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:14,840
Speaker 2: saying she was a sucky sister and wants to make

439
00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:18,200
Speaker 2: things better this time around. Having a child forced her

440
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:20,879
Speaker 2: to look back on her life and the pain she's carried,

441
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:23,800
Speaker 2: and it's made her look at things differently. She also

442
00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:29,000
Speaker 2: has been diagnosed with BPD and bipolar disorder, so this

443
00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:32,119
Speaker 2: would track with her behavior previously. When it came for

444
00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:34,240
Speaker 2: me to speak, I tried to be stoic and said

445
00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:37,120
Speaker 2: that I couldn't mourn a life I never had. Foolish,

446
00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:40,359
Speaker 2: I know, and so terribly wrong. I told her that

447
00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:42,400
Speaker 2: I know there's a universe out there where we got

448
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:44,199
Speaker 2: to grow up together, and it breaks my heart that

449
00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:46,240
Speaker 2: this isn't it. I mean, am I gonna cry?

450
00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:46,439
Speaker 3: Or what?

451
00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:50,800
Speaker 2: Even now? Typing that has sent me into a fit

452
00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:54,160
Speaker 2: of tears. Tears I couldn't cry that night. Oh we

453
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:57,440
Speaker 2: met once more before I had to leave, and embrace tightly.

454
00:21:57,560 --> 00:22:01,240
Speaker 2: She reiterated everything she said that night, that she loves

455
00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:03,840
Speaker 2: me and that she's sorry for the distance between us.

456
00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:07,000
Speaker 2: I froze. I could barely get out anything more than

457
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:09,600
Speaker 2: thanks for the talk and I love you. The day

458
00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:12,879
Speaker 2: I left was awful. I never had this strong attachment

459
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:15,320
Speaker 2: to this other side of my family, and only now

460
00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:17,639
Speaker 2: do I realize that as a child, I buried my

461
00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:20,600
Speaker 2: strong sense of yearning towards them, and only now it's

462
00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:22,920
Speaker 2: starting to come up. She sent me a text when

463
00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:24,840
Speaker 2: I was in the city, stating that she'd love to

464
00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:28,000
Speaker 2: keep in touch when I've settled from travel. It broke

465
00:22:28,119 --> 00:22:31,000
Speaker 2: me completely to know that I have a chance to

466
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:33,879
Speaker 2: have a relationship with my older sister, something I've longed

467
00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:37,320
Speaker 2: for since I was knee high to a grasshopper. That's

468
00:22:37,359 --> 00:22:40,320
Speaker 2: a weird way of saying it. Now that I'm home,

469
00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:43,080
Speaker 2: things have been difficult, and this is the crux of

470
00:22:43,119 --> 00:22:43,600
Speaker 2: the post.

471
00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:44,600
Speaker 1: Uh Oh.

472
00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:47,320
Speaker 2: I can't seem to stop thinking about her, about the

473
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:49,880
Speaker 2: year's loss, the life that could have been, the way

474
00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:53,200
Speaker 2: everything between us feels both brand new and impossibly old

475
00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:56,440
Speaker 2: at the same time. We've spoken often and cried over text,

476
00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:59,280
Speaker 2: explaining things in a way that's more comfortable perhaps, and

477
00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:02,320
Speaker 2: every messa from her means more to me than I

478
00:23:02,359 --> 00:23:05,960
Speaker 2: can explain. But when a day goes by without hearing

479
00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:08,920
Speaker 2: from her, my mind spirals. I know she's a mother

480
00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:11,199
Speaker 2: with a son who deserves all of her attention, and

481
00:23:11,240 --> 00:23:13,960
Speaker 2: that her world is busy and full. Still my heart

482
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:17,680
Speaker 2: struggles to understand that distance after finally closing a lifetime

483
00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:18,399
Speaker 2: long gap.

484
00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:22,080
Speaker 1: Wait wait, wait, wait, hold on, whoa whoa, whoa whoa. Yeah,

485
00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:29,760
Speaker 1: I'm diagnosing you with overthinking already, you guys close the

486
00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:34,600
Speaker 1: emotional distance. But like you said, she has a child

487
00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:36,960
Speaker 1: and a life and she's probably busy.

488
00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:41,639
Speaker 2: One day is nothing, yeah, and I'm sure you're also busy,

489
00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:44,640
Speaker 2: you know, But I understand, like you know, it's kind

490
00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:47,000
Speaker 2: of like a new relationship. I mean, it is a

491
00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:50,840
Speaker 2: new relationship basically, and it's like, but it's weird because

492
00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:52,760
Speaker 2: you knew each other for so it's like seeing an

493
00:23:52,760 --> 00:23:55,240
Speaker 2: old friend, but it's a sibling, and so it's like,

494
00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:57,520
Speaker 2: oh my gosh, Like I want to hang out with

495
00:23:57,560 --> 00:23:58,000
Speaker 2: them all the time.

496
00:23:58,040 --> 00:23:58,640
Speaker 3: They're so cool.

497
00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:01,280
Speaker 2: They feel the same way, and I want to express that,

498
00:24:01,359 --> 00:24:05,160
Speaker 2: you know whatever, But it's hard because you're on opposite

499
00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:05,680
Speaker 2: sides of the.

500
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:07,879
Speaker 3: World, you know which.

501
00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:10,520
Speaker 2: But she has a life. You have life, you know,

502
00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:13,920
Speaker 2: and life gets in the way of everything. I finally

503
00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:15,960
Speaker 2: have what I've wanted for most of my life, and

504
00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:19,119
Speaker 2: yet it hurts so much just to hold it. I

505
00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:22,600
Speaker 2: look at her being a mom, living her life, and

506
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:26,000
Speaker 2: I feel so proud of her, but also this quiet

507
00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:28,200
Speaker 2: ache that I'll never be as close as we could

508
00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:30,760
Speaker 2: have been if we'd grown up together. It's like I've

509
00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:33,600
Speaker 2: arrived too late to a story that's already halfway written.

510
00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:36,240
Speaker 2: There's a bond she has with my brother and younger

511
00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:39,119
Speaker 2: sister that I will never have in it unalives me

512
00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:42,760
Speaker 2: to accept this. I'm mourning the time we lost, the

513
00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:46,679
Speaker 2: annoying sibling rivalry, the ways we would grind each other's gears,

514
00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:48,600
Speaker 2: the funny things she would say when she comes home

515
00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:50,919
Speaker 2: from school, how we could have sat in the sitting

516
00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:53,440
Speaker 2: room or backyard for hours and not say a thing.

517
00:24:54,119 --> 00:24:56,800
Speaker 2: I'm mourning all of the versions of her. I didn't

518
00:24:56,800 --> 00:24:59,760
Speaker 2: get to see, the annoying older sister, the angsty and brooding,

519
00:24:59,800 --> 00:25:03,480
Speaker 2: tear teenager, the aloof young woman. I've arrived at a

520
00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:07,400
Speaker 2: midway point in her life, and there's an inexplicable, horrible

521
00:25:07,480 --> 00:25:10,520
Speaker 2: void inside me that yearns for the years I've lost.

522
00:25:10,920 --> 00:25:13,520
Speaker 2: I'm holding on to the little similarities that we have

523
00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:16,760
Speaker 2: everything that I can to cope with this feeling of

524
00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:19,760
Speaker 2: being so distant. We both have black hair and blue eyes,

525
00:25:19,840 --> 00:25:23,000
Speaker 2: neither of us have tattoos. It's like I'm hoarding every

526
00:25:23,119 --> 00:25:26,800
Speaker 2: item and fact that can be used as a sentimental

527
00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:31,080
Speaker 2: bond between us, even if it's only superficial, anything that

528
00:25:31,080 --> 00:25:33,600
Speaker 2: feels like proof that we are of the same blood

529
00:25:33,840 --> 00:25:35,520
Speaker 2: of some shared pass.

530
00:25:37,119 --> 00:25:39,399
Speaker 1: Yeah, all your feelings are valid. It's a lot to

531
00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:41,879
Speaker 1: comprehend and reckon with, for sure.

532
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:42,680
Speaker 3: Yeah.

533
00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:46,720
Speaker 2: I think it is becoming like very prevalent in your

534
00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:50,320
Speaker 2: mind because I think that you I think subconsciously you

535
00:25:50,440 --> 00:25:54,080
Speaker 2: have wanted this, and maybe not even subconsciously, just consciously

536
00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:56,199
Speaker 2: you have wanted this, but like never knew how to

537
00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:59,360
Speaker 2: go about it and didn't really know what to do

538
00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:01,920
Speaker 2: and kind of just you know, let it go for

539
00:26:02,720 --> 00:26:03,480
Speaker 2: like years.

540
00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:06,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, just like it won't happen. It can't happen. It's

541
00:26:06,040 --> 00:26:08,560
Speaker 1: not gonna happen. And now it's happening and you're having

542
00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:12,879
Speaker 1: to recalculate and reassess all these thoughts in your brain.

543
00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:17,200
Speaker 2: It's I think you were for so long you were

544
00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:20,199
Speaker 2: just dealing with these emotions of just being like, it's

545
00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:22,560
Speaker 2: okay if we don't speak, it's okay. I'm fine with that.

546
00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:25,040
Speaker 2: I'm fine with that, even though you weren't. And now

547
00:26:25,119 --> 00:26:28,800
Speaker 2: that this is coming to fruition, it's like, oh my gosh,

548
00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:31,880
Speaker 2: this is everything I've ever wanted. I don't now I'm

549
00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:34,399
Speaker 2: like obsessed, you know, type of thing, Like I've been

550
00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:37,000
Speaker 2: thinking about this for a while, but now that it's happening,

551
00:26:37,240 --> 00:26:41,960
Speaker 2: it's it's like triggering everything, like you're going down the

552
00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:45,639
Speaker 2: hill now. So but I mean, I don't know. I

553
00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:47,919
Speaker 2: just kind of want to see what's what's gonna let's go.

554
00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:51,639
Speaker 2: I'm trying to remind myself that love doesn't have to

555
00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:54,399
Speaker 2: make up for lost time, that it can still exist

556
00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:56,600
Speaker 2: in the time we have left. She's made it clear

557
00:26:56,680 --> 00:26:58,960
Speaker 2: she wants me in her life, and I'm endlessly grateful

558
00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:00,919
Speaker 2: for that. I just need to find a way to

559
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:04,040
Speaker 2: balance the gratitude with the grief. I guess I'm posting

560
00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:06,600
Speaker 2: this because I don't really have anyone else who understands

561
00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:09,520
Speaker 2: what this kind of reunion feels like. The joy, the heartbreak,

562
00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:12,720
Speaker 2: the confusion, all tangled together. I'm so thankful for her,

563
00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:15,960
Speaker 2: for the chance to finally know my sister beyond photographs

564
00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:18,879
Speaker 2: and stories, But part of me still feels like a

565
00:27:18,920 --> 00:27:21,960
Speaker 2: little boy pressing his hands against the glass watching the

566
00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:25,480
Speaker 2: rest of his family live on the other side. Any

567
00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:29,359
Speaker 2: advice please. Oh and that's it. I thought we were

568
00:27:29,359 --> 00:27:33,800
Speaker 2: gonna get some comments at least it's well. Look, I

569
00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:36,560
Speaker 2: mean I think definitely don't live in the past. Like

570
00:27:36,600 --> 00:27:38,280
Speaker 2: the past of the past. You can't change it. You

571
00:27:38,320 --> 00:27:41,280
Speaker 2: can't like you can, you know, wish that this would

572
00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:44,440
Speaker 2: have happened this, so you know this is the other thing. Like, yes,

573
00:27:44,920 --> 00:27:48,960
Speaker 2: it's like you know, wishful thinking, but you can't live

574
00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:53,560
Speaker 2: in that because that's gonna fester and make you, make

575
00:27:53,640 --> 00:27:56,200
Speaker 2: you become. What you're doing now is like obsessing about

576
00:27:56,200 --> 00:27:58,040
Speaker 2: this now that you have it. It's like I've dreamed

577
00:27:58,040 --> 00:27:59,439
Speaker 2: of this for so long. Now that I have it,

578
00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:00,880
Speaker 2: I don't know what to do with it, and I'm

579
00:28:00,880 --> 00:28:03,080
Speaker 2: freaking out over it if I'm doing right or wrong

580
00:28:03,200 --> 00:28:04,200
Speaker 2: or anything.

581
00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:07,399
Speaker 1: You know, I think the only thing I mean clearly,

582
00:28:07,440 --> 00:28:09,520
Speaker 1: I think it would you'd benefit from breaking this down

583
00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:12,719
Speaker 1: with a professional, like most people would about anything. Yeah,

584
00:28:12,760 --> 00:28:16,760
Speaker 1: but it's not always an opportunity that people have. I

585
00:28:16,760 --> 00:28:21,040
Speaker 1: would just try to like focus on living in the moment, man. Yeah,

586
00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:23,720
Speaker 1: Like a lot of this is coming from your mourning

587
00:28:23,760 --> 00:28:27,080
Speaker 1: the past that you never had. But the past didn't exist, yeah,

588
00:28:27,680 --> 00:28:31,080
Speaker 1: and so you're mourning something that never was. For something

589
00:28:31,119 --> 00:28:33,960
Speaker 1: to be mourned, it has to have you know existed, right,

590
00:28:35,640 --> 00:28:38,800
Speaker 1: So youth is grief for this thing that never happened,

591
00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:41,720
Speaker 1: which I can I know, I guess is fair, but like, yeah,

592
00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:45,160
Speaker 1: you're living in the in the past and that's making

593
00:28:45,240 --> 00:28:49,600
Speaker 1: you anxious or depressed. And then you're living in the

594
00:28:49,600 --> 00:28:51,600
Speaker 1: future thinking like, oh, it's justn't talk to me for

595
00:28:51,640 --> 00:28:54,800
Speaker 1: one day, then it's over and I'm gonna get ghosts

596
00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:56,600
Speaker 1: again and I'll never talk to her and we won't

597
00:28:56,600 --> 00:28:59,440
Speaker 1: have that connection. So you're just like freaking yourself out

598
00:28:59,440 --> 00:29:01,200
Speaker 1: on both ends. You need to just be in the

599
00:29:01,280 --> 00:29:04,200
Speaker 1: day to day experience of like, yeah, I have a

600
00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:07,720
Speaker 1: relationship with my sibling. Now I do. We have a

601
00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:11,400
Speaker 1: dynamic of some kind. We're building it. It's okay to,

602
00:29:11,640 --> 00:29:16,280
Speaker 1: you know, have these rough thoughts about missing out, but like,

603
00:29:16,520 --> 00:29:19,280
Speaker 1: don't let that get in the way of actually experiencing

604
00:29:19,320 --> 00:29:22,720
Speaker 1: it now. Yeah, I agree, And that's the end of

605
00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:24,640
Speaker 1: this story. We're gonna go on to the next one.

606
00:29:25,080 --> 00:29:28,760
Speaker 3: My husband let his ex wife control our marriage and

607
00:29:28,880 --> 00:29:29,960
Speaker 3: never stood up for me.

608
00:29:30,080 --> 00:29:33,440
Speaker 1: I'm supposed to let your current wife control your marriage.

609
00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:36,320
Speaker 3: I twenty six, have been married to my husband twenty

610
00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:39,440
Speaker 3: seven for four years, and he has a child, six

611
00:29:39,960 --> 00:29:43,000
Speaker 3: from a previous relationship. The kiddo stays with the baby

612
00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:45,600
Speaker 3: mama in a different province. By the way, this comes

613
00:29:45,600 --> 00:29:46,600
Speaker 3: from Molly Wobbles.

614
00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:47,720
Speaker 1: And if you want to.

615
00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:49,640
Speaker 3: Spit your own stories, go to the r slash Okay,

616
00:29:49,640 --> 00:29:53,280
Speaker 3: storytime suppared it. I'm Sophia, I'm Dakota, and we're here

617
00:29:53,320 --> 00:29:55,280
Speaker 3: to give good advice. Goofilly, But we don't have all

618
00:29:55,320 --> 00:29:57,680
Speaker 3: the answers. We only know what we'd do, So let

619
00:29:57,760 --> 00:29:59,160
Speaker 3: us know what you would do in the comments and

620
00:29:59,240 --> 00:30:03,080
Speaker 3: OP says right. So on to the current issue. Baby

621
00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:05,200
Speaker 3: mama has for as long as I have known my

622
00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:08,120
Speaker 3: hobby been a bit of a problem. I'll give you

623
00:30:08,160 --> 00:30:11,920
Speaker 3: several examples. Lied about the kiddo being deathly ill and

624
00:30:12,000 --> 00:30:15,760
Speaker 3: on life support, provided a fake hospital bill in regard

625
00:30:15,800 --> 00:30:18,320
Speaker 3: to the above, Lie to my father in law about

626
00:30:18,440 --> 00:30:21,560
Speaker 3: Hubby paying child support so she was receiving money from

627
00:30:21,600 --> 00:30:24,400
Speaker 3: both my hubby and father in law. Lie to both

628
00:30:24,440 --> 00:30:26,760
Speaker 3: my father in law and I about Hubby knocking her

629
00:30:26,840 --> 00:30:29,760
Speaker 3: up again when she visited previously, lied to my in

630
00:30:29,840 --> 00:30:33,960
Speaker 3: laws about Hobby hiding the kiddo's birth certificate, performs every

631
00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:36,840
Speaker 3: few months, about how she cannot manage and is sending

632
00:30:36,840 --> 00:30:39,480
Speaker 3: the kiddo to live with us, demands money on top

633
00:30:39,520 --> 00:30:42,480
Speaker 3: of the child support she is receiving. That's just a

634
00:30:42,480 --> 00:30:44,880
Speaker 3: few things off the top of my head. I tried

635
00:30:44,920 --> 00:30:47,440
Speaker 3: speaking to hubby today and I basically told him that

636
00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:50,240
Speaker 3: he needs to grow a spine because she truly does

637
00:30:50,320 --> 00:30:52,760
Speaker 3: take advantage at times, and he got upset with me

638
00:30:52,920 --> 00:30:56,040
Speaker 3: and said that I'm disrespectful. The kiddo's school fees and

639
00:30:56,160 --> 00:30:59,280
Speaker 3: child support are paid every single month without fail yet

640
00:30:59,320 --> 00:31:03,640
Speaker 3: she always demands more. Hobby always gives in even if

641
00:31:03,680 --> 00:31:06,880
Speaker 3: it negatively affects us, not saying that he shouldn't support

642
00:31:06,880 --> 00:31:09,800
Speaker 3: his child as he should do that. My issue is

643
00:31:09,840 --> 00:31:11,880
Speaker 3: that she cannot hold a job, and even when she

644
00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:16,920
Speaker 3: has one, the tantrums and emergencies never stop. It's never

645
00:31:17,120 --> 00:31:20,120
Speaker 3: a request for help, it's always a demand. When I

646
00:31:20,160 --> 00:31:21,760
Speaker 3: used to give advice, he told me that I'm not

647
00:31:21,800 --> 00:31:24,560
Speaker 3: a parent, so I don't know anything. Lately, if I

648
00:31:24,600 --> 00:31:26,640
Speaker 3: speak up or try to help, he gets annoyed with

649
00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:29,080
Speaker 3: me and says I have no way of speaking. He

650
00:31:29,160 --> 00:31:31,600
Speaker 3: refuses to grow a backbone when it comes to her,

651
00:31:32,040 --> 00:31:33,960
Speaker 3: and I've had it up to the end of time

652
00:31:34,080 --> 00:31:37,280
Speaker 3: with this behavior from both of them. He still cannot

653
00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:40,840
Speaker 3: understand that she is taking advantage of him. I have

654
00:31:40,920 --> 00:31:44,160
Speaker 3: told Hobby many times not to involve me because it

655
00:31:44,280 --> 00:31:48,080
Speaker 3: is a constant topic of contention. Time and time again,

656
00:31:48,240 --> 00:31:50,880
Speaker 3: I have broken that boundary to comfort him or listen

657
00:31:50,920 --> 00:31:53,600
Speaker 3: to event. I'm tired of being made out to be

658
00:31:53,640 --> 00:31:56,920
Speaker 3: the bad guy that knows nothing. Now he is salty

659
00:31:56,920 --> 00:31:57,320
Speaker 3: about it.

660
00:31:57,440 --> 00:31:58,440
Speaker 1: Am I the ahole?

661
00:31:58,480 --> 00:32:01,760
Speaker 3: And there are some comments what do you think though?

662
00:32:02,200 --> 00:32:05,000
Speaker 1: It doesn't seem like you'd be the ale.

663
00:32:05,440 --> 00:32:08,120
Speaker 3: I mean, yes, it is his kid, so obviously he's

664
00:32:08,160 --> 00:32:11,440
Speaker 3: gonna be defensive. But you're not even saying like, I

665
00:32:11,480 --> 00:32:13,960
Speaker 3: don't know, don't do this in this for your kid.

666
00:32:14,080 --> 00:32:18,040
Speaker 3: You're just saying, Hey, your wife or your ex wife

667
00:32:18,080 --> 00:32:20,960
Speaker 3: is lying to you or has been lying to you,

668
00:32:21,240 --> 00:32:24,200
Speaker 3: is taking your money. Maybe we need to set some

669
00:32:24,320 --> 00:32:28,400
Speaker 3: boundaries there would probably benefit his kid. Yeah, I don't know.

670
00:32:28,480 --> 00:32:30,479
Speaker 3: I think he needs to go back to court and

671
00:32:30,560 --> 00:32:33,960
Speaker 3: work out that uh, you know, custody agreement. Because if

672
00:32:34,040 --> 00:32:37,480
Speaker 3: she can't even support her a kid on the child

673
00:32:37,560 --> 00:32:40,880
Speaker 3: support stuff that she's you know, been getting, and can't

674
00:32:40,880 --> 00:32:44,080
Speaker 3: hold down a job, maybe she shouldn't have him like

675
00:32:44,280 --> 00:32:46,320
Speaker 3: full time or I actually don't know if she has

676
00:32:46,400 --> 00:32:46,840
Speaker 3: him full.

677
00:32:46,720 --> 00:32:51,760
Speaker 1: Time, but but definitely document, always document this stuff.

678
00:32:51,960 --> 00:32:55,760
Speaker 3: Comments. Comment one says, question, how are your finances split?

679
00:32:56,000 --> 00:32:59,840
Speaker 3: OHP says household expenses are split between us. The only

680
00:32:59,840 --> 00:33:02,760
Speaker 3: thing separate is payment for his child. Reply says, I

681
00:33:02,800 --> 00:33:05,440
Speaker 3: think the question is do you have a joint account?

682
00:33:05,640 --> 00:33:08,840
Speaker 3: Does your full payment go into only one shared account?

683
00:33:09,000 --> 00:33:11,479
Speaker 3: Or do you depause at the house expenses and others

684
00:33:11,720 --> 00:33:14,320
Speaker 3: after you know? How much is it to share? Opie

685
00:33:14,320 --> 00:33:17,040
Speaker 3: says we have separate accounts and divide bills. Reply says,

686
00:33:17,080 --> 00:33:19,840
Speaker 3: so is he contributing his share to the household but

687
00:33:19,880 --> 00:33:23,080
Speaker 3: sending money to his ex out of his own personal account.

688
00:33:23,240 --> 00:33:26,040
Speaker 3: If that's case, you should probably let it be. If

689
00:33:26,040 --> 00:33:30,480
Speaker 3: he's lacking on joint expenses, including contributions for retirement long

690
00:33:30,560 --> 00:33:33,160
Speaker 3: term goals, then you have an issue to take up.

691
00:33:33,480 --> 00:33:35,959
Speaker 3: Edit one. Many people are assuming that I have an

692
00:33:35,960 --> 00:33:38,560
Speaker 3: issue with the kiddo, and I genuinely do not. I

693
00:33:38,640 --> 00:33:41,080
Speaker 3: love her so much and she is not the issue.

694
00:33:41,200 --> 00:33:44,240
Speaker 3: I'm tired of being unheard and treated like an idiot

695
00:33:44,320 --> 00:33:47,720
Speaker 3: because I did not give birth. Birth mother is constantly

696
00:33:47,840 --> 00:33:51,120
Speaker 3: disrespectful to my hobby and it becomes an issue for us.

697
00:33:51,360 --> 00:33:53,680
Speaker 3: When I said I'm no longer wanted to be involved.

698
00:33:53,760 --> 00:33:56,520
Speaker 3: I meant taking my emotional support away from hobby because

699
00:33:56,520 --> 00:33:59,880
Speaker 3: he turns any support into something negative. Edit too, thank

700
00:33:59,920 --> 00:34:03,400
Speaker 3: you everyone for your input. I am not pregnant, so

701
00:34:03,440 --> 00:34:05,440
Speaker 3: I do not know where that came from. The main

702
00:34:05,520 --> 00:34:08,920
Speaker 3: issue is not financial support, because he should support his child.

703
00:34:09,320 --> 00:34:12,120
Speaker 3: My issue is that he lets Baby Mama bully him

704
00:34:12,160 --> 00:34:15,640
Speaker 3: and by extension me Whenever she asks for extra money,

705
00:34:15,960 --> 00:34:18,600
Speaker 3: it's often for silly things, and she never gives warning.

706
00:34:18,920 --> 00:34:21,480
Speaker 3: He just started a new job after being unemployed for

707
00:34:21,480 --> 00:34:24,239
Speaker 3: two months, and I needed help at home because I

708
00:34:24,320 --> 00:34:27,440
Speaker 3: carried everything alone. When she asks and he sends money,

709
00:34:27,480 --> 00:34:30,520
Speaker 3: it has opened a new pattern. I needed more help

710
00:34:30,560 --> 00:34:32,560
Speaker 3: than I'm getting, and I don't think it's fair that

711
00:34:32,600 --> 00:34:36,359
Speaker 3: he complains endlessly but brushes me off. I love him,

712
00:34:36,360 --> 00:34:38,920
Speaker 3: but she has such control over him, and I'm tired

713
00:34:39,040 --> 00:34:40,279
Speaker 3: of being ignored.

714
00:34:40,719 --> 00:34:42,840
Speaker 1: Yeah. I think that those comments were kind of missing

715
00:34:42,840 --> 00:34:45,680
Speaker 1: the point where yeah really about like, oh, we need

716
00:34:45,719 --> 00:34:47,759
Speaker 1: the money. It's more just like the principle of like

717
00:34:48,440 --> 00:34:52,000
Speaker 1: why is this person I don't know able to just

718
00:34:53,120 --> 00:34:55,280
Speaker 1: manipulate and bully you into things.

719
00:34:55,640 --> 00:34:58,239
Speaker 3: It's just I feel like, if you had any if

720
00:34:58,280 --> 00:35:01,920
Speaker 3: your partner had any friend person and their lie family

721
00:35:01,920 --> 00:35:06,640
Speaker 3: member who was constantly bowling them, constantly taking advantage. You

722
00:35:06,800 --> 00:35:09,600
Speaker 3: probably have something to say, and maybe you've never been

723
00:35:09,640 --> 00:35:12,920
Speaker 3: in that experience you know or like had that experience,

724
00:35:13,120 --> 00:35:16,120
Speaker 3: but you still know enough to know that they're being

725
00:35:16,160 --> 00:35:19,120
Speaker 3: taken advantage of and that they don't like this situation

726
00:35:19,200 --> 00:35:22,040
Speaker 3: they're in. So obviously, Ope, he's going to try and help.

727
00:35:22,080 --> 00:35:23,120
Speaker 3: And the fact that he's just.

728
00:35:23,080 --> 00:35:25,680
Speaker 1: Like no, apparently he loves being in this situation.

729
00:35:25,760 --> 00:35:28,600
Speaker 3: Yeah, I guess so, but there is a little bit

730
00:35:28,680 --> 00:35:34,640
Speaker 3: left to the story. Two year later update, dang, oh boy, let's.

731
00:35:34,440 --> 00:35:35,400
Speaker 1: See what happens.

732
00:35:35,520 --> 00:35:39,520
Speaker 3: We are now divorced. I guess you couldn't cut it,

733
00:35:39,760 --> 00:35:42,480
Speaker 3: and everything was finalized this week.

734
00:35:42,600 --> 00:35:42,920
Speaker 1: Dang.

735
00:35:43,200 --> 00:35:46,120
Speaker 3: All of my belongings were removed from our marital home

736
00:35:46,239 --> 00:35:51,240
Speaker 3: yesterday after being married for six years. I'm hurt and broken. Still,

737
00:35:51,360 --> 00:35:54,160
Speaker 3: I am confident this was the right decision. I realized

738
00:35:54,160 --> 00:35:56,719
Speaker 3: that ninety percent of being with him was manipulation and

739
00:35:56,840 --> 00:36:00,400
Speaker 3: control on to his child. He's still he has not

740
00:36:00,520 --> 00:36:03,960
Speaker 3: done a paternity test. He has no contact with the

741
00:36:04,040 --> 00:36:07,160
Speaker 3: child and her mother except for paying child support. That's

742
00:36:07,160 --> 00:36:10,120
Speaker 3: where things stand now. I'm sorry this update took so long.

743
00:36:10,400 --> 00:36:13,160
Speaker 3: Comments Common Want says, how come there's a question about

744
00:36:13,200 --> 00:36:16,440
Speaker 3: him being the father? You always have to put yourself first.

745
00:36:16,560 --> 00:36:19,439
Speaker 3: Can you imagine what having a baby with him would

746
00:36:19,440 --> 00:36:22,919
Speaker 3: have been like a massive headache and resentment? Opie says

747
00:36:22,920 --> 00:36:26,080
Speaker 3: the baby was conceived over a one night stand when

748
00:36:26,080 --> 00:36:29,640
Speaker 3: she was seeing other people. Oh so, yeah, that baby

749
00:36:29,840 --> 00:36:30,960
Speaker 3: is not his.

750
00:36:31,440 --> 00:36:32,160
Speaker 1: Might not be.

751
00:36:32,520 --> 00:36:35,160
Speaker 3: Yeah, and he really was being taken advantage of the

752
00:36:35,160 --> 00:36:37,560
Speaker 3: whole time, and Opie was trying to tell him, Hey,

753
00:36:37,680 --> 00:36:39,239
Speaker 3: you being taken advantage of.

754
00:36:39,800 --> 00:36:42,760
Speaker 1: Yeah. I wonder if you're the only person who's being

755
00:36:43,160 --> 00:36:44,239
Speaker 1: uh reached out to.

756
00:36:44,480 --> 00:36:46,960
Speaker 3: Yeah, she's reaching out to all of the people. I'm

757
00:36:47,000 --> 00:36:49,000
Speaker 3: grateful that I don't have children with him, as mean

758
00:36:49,000 --> 00:36:51,839
Speaker 3: as that may sound. Doesn't sound mean. It's just a

759
00:36:51,840 --> 00:36:54,960
Speaker 3: good thing. But I can't imagine having gone through everything

760
00:36:55,000 --> 00:36:57,640
Speaker 3: if we had a child. Comment two says, but wasn't

761
00:36:57,719 --> 00:37:01,040
Speaker 3: going no contact with baby mama? Basically what you had

762
00:37:01,080 --> 00:37:04,080
Speaker 3: been demanding the whole time? Ope, he says, No, I

763
00:37:04,160 --> 00:37:07,240
Speaker 3: was demanding he step up and stop letting her bully

764
00:37:07,280 --> 00:37:09,880
Speaker 3: him and try to bully her way into our lives.

765
00:37:10,239 --> 00:37:13,560
Speaker 3: Coming three says, honestly, girl, good riddance. Your page is

766
00:37:13,640 --> 00:37:16,920
Speaker 3: like ninety percent complaining about him, and it goes back years.

767
00:37:17,200 --> 00:37:20,040
Speaker 3: Seems like this has been a long time coming. Better

768
00:37:20,120 --> 00:37:22,960
Speaker 3: late than ever. You're still young. You'll bounce back from this.

769
00:37:23,280 --> 00:37:26,080
Speaker 3: If you ever need any reassurance you're doing the right thing,

770
00:37:26,440 --> 00:37:28,719
Speaker 3: just go back and scroll through your posts.

771
00:37:29,120 --> 00:37:30,960
Speaker 1: And that's the end of this story. We're gonna go

772
00:37:31,000 --> 00:37:31,840
Speaker 1: on to the next one.

773
00:37:32,440 --> 00:37:36,040
Speaker 2: Hey, it's Angie, your favorite Riley's girlfriend is here.

774
00:37:36,239 --> 00:37:37,720
Speaker 1: We're going to get back to the stories.

775
00:37:37,719 --> 00:37:40,280
Speaker 2: But here's three minutes of ads from our sponsors.

776
00:37:40,920 --> 00:37:44,440
Speaker 1: My husband told me he changed his old ways until

777
00:37:44,480 --> 00:37:46,600
Speaker 1: the police came knocking at our door.

778
00:37:46,960 --> 00:37:48,400
Speaker 3: Sounds like he didn't change.

779
00:37:48,640 --> 00:37:51,040
Speaker 1: And there is a trigger warning here for gambling issues.

780
00:37:51,200 --> 00:37:54,040
Speaker 1: When I was first married, my husband had no interest

781
00:37:54,040 --> 00:37:56,759
Speaker 1: in gambling. When it started, it was just a few

782
00:37:56,840 --> 00:38:00,840
Speaker 1: casual bets on football. It has gotten out of control.

783
00:38:01,360 --> 00:38:03,520
Speaker 1: He doesn't just bet on his football team now, he

784
00:38:03,560 --> 00:38:06,800
Speaker 1: bets on matches in other countries such as American football

785
00:38:06,920 --> 00:38:10,360
Speaker 1: or baseball. He even bets on individual sports like golf

786
00:38:10,480 --> 00:38:13,040
Speaker 1: and Formula one. By the way, this comes from user

787
00:38:13,080 --> 00:38:15,560
Speaker 1: throwaway Naive twenty eight oh nine. And if you want

788
00:38:15,560 --> 00:38:17,440
Speaker 1: to submit your own stories. Go to the r slash

789
00:38:17,480 --> 00:38:21,040
Speaker 1: Okay storytime suburdit. I'm Dakota, I'm Sophia, and we're here

790
00:38:21,080 --> 00:38:23,440
Speaker 1: to give you good advised goofily. But we don't have

791
00:38:23,480 --> 00:38:25,080
Speaker 1: all the answers. We only know what we do, So

792
00:38:25,160 --> 00:38:26,680
Speaker 1: let us know what you would do in the comments.

793
00:38:27,000 --> 00:38:30,879
Speaker 1: As Op says, he gets angry at individual players if

794
00:38:30,880 --> 00:38:33,560
Speaker 1: they don't do the things he needs to win his bet.

795
00:38:33,680 --> 00:38:37,120
Speaker 1: It becomes more important than his team winning. I couldn't

796
00:38:37,120 --> 00:38:39,879
Speaker 1: stand how much his gambling was costing us. At first,

797
00:38:39,960 --> 00:38:42,160
Speaker 1: I thought he was cheating with the way he was acting.

798
00:38:42,600 --> 00:38:45,360
Speaker 1: I was devastated when I found out he was betting.

799
00:38:45,760 --> 00:38:48,400
Speaker 1: I wanted a divorce, but he begged me to stay

800
00:38:48,520 --> 00:38:50,600
Speaker 1: and go to counseling. He said it was a wake

801
00:38:50,680 --> 00:38:53,920
Speaker 1: up call and that he would never gamble again. We

802
00:38:53,920 --> 00:38:57,160
Speaker 1: were going to counseling together, and he is an individual

803
00:38:57,160 --> 00:39:00,799
Speaker 1: counseling as well. He said he has stopped getting but

804
00:39:00,880 --> 00:39:04,520
Speaker 1: he was lying this entire time. He's been in trouble

805
00:39:04,560 --> 00:39:08,120
Speaker 1: with the police. They told me police in a different country,

806
00:39:08,200 --> 00:39:12,640
Speaker 1: we're investigating posts from social media that threatened a player

807
00:39:12,719 --> 00:39:16,960
Speaker 1: there and it was traced back to my husband. Oh no,

808
00:39:17,760 --> 00:39:21,080
Speaker 1: my husband lost a bet and blamed that player. I'm

809
00:39:21,080 --> 00:39:23,560
Speaker 1: not giving him another chance. I am moving out this

810
00:39:23,640 --> 00:39:25,920
Speaker 1: week and I'll be seeking a divorce.

811
00:39:26,080 --> 00:39:27,360
Speaker 3: Mart that's crazy.

812
00:39:27,840 --> 00:39:33,520
Speaker 1: Yeah, getting investigated internationally for threats yikes, big yikes. When

813
00:39:33,560 --> 00:39:36,120
Speaker 1: I confronted him, he told me he never stopped gambling

814
00:39:36,120 --> 00:39:38,759
Speaker 1: and was just saying what I wanted to hear. Well,

815
00:39:38,800 --> 00:39:41,200
Speaker 1: at least he was honest about that. I can't believe

816
00:39:41,239 --> 00:39:45,160
Speaker 1: how stupid and naive I was. Any advice please, and

817
00:39:45,239 --> 00:39:49,880
Speaker 1: there are relevant comments. Comment one, don't you dare blame yourself.

818
00:39:50,239 --> 00:39:53,040
Speaker 1: You did the right thing. You gave him a second chance.

819
00:39:53,200 --> 00:39:56,239
Speaker 1: He blew it not. You never feel guilty for being

820
00:39:56,280 --> 00:40:00,560
Speaker 1: a sympathetic and reasonable person. Shame on him for failing

821
00:40:00,600 --> 00:40:03,120
Speaker 1: you as your partner, and shame on him for being

822
00:40:03,480 --> 00:40:06,240
Speaker 1: a piece of crab. Maybe now that the police are involved,

823
00:40:06,320 --> 00:40:09,480
Speaker 1: this may really be the wake up call he needed. However,

824
00:40:09,600 --> 00:40:11,960
Speaker 1: you're not obligated to give him a third chance, and

825
00:40:12,040 --> 00:40:15,240
Speaker 1: good for you for not doing so. Now give yourself

826
00:40:15,239 --> 00:40:17,960
Speaker 1: the same grace you gave him and put your life

827
00:40:18,000 --> 00:40:21,560
Speaker 1: back together how you want it. Make yourself happy. Oh,

828
00:40:21,640 --> 00:40:24,160
Speaker 1: he says, I was so embarrassed when I found out

829
00:40:24,160 --> 00:40:27,319
Speaker 1: what he did, and that the police are involved. My

830
00:40:27,440 --> 00:40:30,120
Speaker 1: husband does not seem to share my feelings. He was

831
00:40:30,160 --> 00:40:33,680
Speaker 1: not embarrassed or bothered by this at all. I've found

832
00:40:33,719 --> 00:40:36,799
Speaker 1: out that his gambling on sports is becoming more and

833
00:40:36,880 --> 00:40:39,520
Speaker 1: more of a problem. I never thought it would happen

834
00:40:39,560 --> 00:40:42,640
Speaker 1: to me. Comment to says, I am really sorry you're

835
00:40:42,719 --> 00:40:46,799
Speaker 1: going through this. It is a problem that is going

836
00:40:46,840 --> 00:40:50,920
Speaker 1: to need far more than just couples counseling. Recovery is possible,

837
00:40:50,960 --> 00:40:53,520
Speaker 1: but you have to do what you need to protect

838
00:40:53,560 --> 00:40:57,440
Speaker 1: yourself and your financial present and future as well. With

839
00:40:57,520 --> 00:41:00,720
Speaker 1: how it sounds like he's escalating, he may find himself

840
00:41:00,719 --> 00:41:03,560
Speaker 1: in major debt or even worse if he doesn't actually

841
00:41:03,600 --> 00:41:06,640
Speaker 1: get help. I'll be the rare one to say, don't

842
00:41:06,719 --> 00:41:10,160
Speaker 1: rush to divorce just yet, but start to secure finances

843
00:41:10,200 --> 00:41:12,880
Speaker 1: on your own that he does not have access to.

844
00:41:12,920 --> 00:41:15,160
Speaker 1: Make sure you start having money in your own account

845
00:41:15,160 --> 00:41:18,320
Speaker 1: away from his or a shared one. Change your passwords

846
00:41:18,360 --> 00:41:21,319
Speaker 1: on your bank accounts and card information and do not

847
00:41:21,640 --> 00:41:26,080
Speaker 1: tell them to him. Take over bills, check your credit scores,

848
00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:29,120
Speaker 1: and make sure he has not dragged you or your

849
00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:32,839
Speaker 1: money into his problem. Then after that you can start

850
00:41:32,880 --> 00:41:36,120
Speaker 1: issuing more boundaries and even ultimatums about him getting help

851
00:41:36,640 --> 00:41:39,680
Speaker 1: or you walking for good. Opie replies, my husband was

852
00:41:39,719 --> 00:41:43,359
Speaker 1: going to individual counseling and I had set boundaries. We

853
00:41:43,360 --> 00:41:46,600
Speaker 1: were also in couples counseling. None of it made a difference.

854
00:41:46,840 --> 00:41:49,280
Speaker 1: I will not be giving him another chance. You already

855
00:41:49,320 --> 00:41:51,359
Speaker 1: had one. Yeah, I agree, And it's a he's gonna say.

856
00:41:51,680 --> 00:41:53,480
Speaker 3: I mean, she's already on her way to divorcing. We

857
00:41:54,040 --> 00:41:56,960
Speaker 3: don't need to give any other advice. Yeah, keep on

858
00:41:57,000 --> 00:41:57,520
Speaker 3: that path.

859
00:41:57,680 --> 00:42:01,759
Speaker 1: If you've he lied that whole time, it's like, yeah, no,

860
00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:05,799
Speaker 1: it's it's you picked gambling over me. As I said

861
00:42:05,800 --> 00:42:08,600
Speaker 1: in my post, I will be seeking a divorce. There

862
00:42:08,680 --> 00:42:10,880
Speaker 1: is nothing my husband or anyone else can say to

863
00:42:10,880 --> 00:42:13,719
Speaker 1: make me change my mind. Coming to replies, I hear you,

864
00:42:13,760 --> 00:42:16,920
Speaker 1: and your feelings and decision are completely valid. No one

865
00:42:16,920 --> 00:42:20,239
Speaker 1: should fault you here. These problems affect far more than

866
00:42:20,440 --> 00:42:23,880
Speaker 1: just the person doing it. I just know how hard

867
00:42:23,920 --> 00:42:27,719
Speaker 1: it is to decide to divorce. My ex husband had

868
00:42:27,760 --> 00:42:31,200
Speaker 1: a substance use problem and he became extremely harmful in

869
00:42:31,320 --> 00:42:34,960
Speaker 1: every way possible. I asked him to choose rehaber divorce,

870
00:42:35,440 --> 00:42:37,560
Speaker 1: and he made a third option of cheating on me,

871
00:42:37,760 --> 00:42:41,640
Speaker 1: so I chose divorce. You're making the right choice. I

872
00:42:41,640 --> 00:42:44,640
Speaker 1: hope he seeks help before he ruins his life. Hope

873
00:42:44,680 --> 00:42:47,120
Speaker 1: he says, I'm sorry about what happened with your ex husband,

874
00:42:47,200 --> 00:42:49,799
Speaker 1: and I hope you're doing well now. The counselor my

875
00:42:49,920 --> 00:42:51,960
Speaker 1: husband was seeing was not the same one we went

876
00:42:52,000 --> 00:42:54,719
Speaker 1: to for marriage counseling. She's a counselor for people with

877
00:42:54,800 --> 00:42:58,240
Speaker 1: gambling problems. She also had him going to a support group.

878
00:42:58,280 --> 00:43:01,319
Speaker 1: But he still lied to me and kept gambling the

879
00:43:01,520 --> 00:43:04,080
Speaker 1: entire time. Once he admitted he was only saying what

880
00:43:04,160 --> 00:43:06,359
Speaker 1: I wanted to hear. I knew there was nothing else

881
00:43:06,360 --> 00:43:08,560
Speaker 1: I could do to save our marriage. And there's an

882
00:43:08,640 --> 00:43:12,000
Speaker 1: update from a month and a half later. Don't lie

883
00:43:12,040 --> 00:43:13,040
Speaker 1: to your partner.

884
00:43:13,480 --> 00:43:14,960
Speaker 3: Don't lie. It's bad.

885
00:43:15,480 --> 00:43:18,120
Speaker 1: It might even have been different if this whole time

886
00:43:18,160 --> 00:43:20,439
Speaker 1: he was just like, yeah, I know, you know, I'm

887
00:43:20,440 --> 00:43:23,040
Speaker 1: going to this stuff and I just still can't stop. Yeah,

888
00:43:23,040 --> 00:43:26,200
Speaker 1: and it's still not working and I'm trying to stop,

889
00:43:26,200 --> 00:43:27,240
Speaker 1: but I just can't stop.

890
00:43:27,320 --> 00:43:32,560
Speaker 3: Which obviously, you know, these issues affect the brain in

891
00:43:32,640 --> 00:43:35,640
Speaker 3: weird ways. Yeah, However, that does not mean that you

892
00:43:35,680 --> 00:43:39,040
Speaker 3: have to stay with him while he you know, sends

893
00:43:39,080 --> 00:43:41,719
Speaker 3: your money down the drain. No, it just means that

894
00:43:41,800 --> 00:43:47,680
Speaker 3: he needs someone else to help him, a professional to

895
00:43:47,719 --> 00:43:48,160
Speaker 3: help him.

896
00:43:48,480 --> 00:43:51,280
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I think OP would have been more inclined

897
00:43:51,320 --> 00:43:54,560
Speaker 1: to stay yeah, if it wasn't just the lying the

898
00:43:54,760 --> 00:43:58,000
Speaker 1: entire time. The whole time I moved out a month ago,

899
00:43:58,400 --> 00:44:00,920
Speaker 1: I had already told him I would be seeking a divorce.

900
00:44:01,320 --> 00:44:04,120
Speaker 1: He does not want a divorce, even though he admitted

901
00:44:04,160 --> 00:44:06,479
Speaker 1: out right that he kept lying and was only telling

902
00:44:06,520 --> 00:44:08,440
Speaker 1: me what I wanted to hear. On top of that,

903
00:44:08,480 --> 00:44:11,120
Speaker 1: he was not embarrassed or bothered about being in trouble

904
00:44:11,120 --> 00:44:14,440
Speaker 1: with the police. There is no way I can stay

905
00:44:14,480 --> 00:44:18,040
Speaker 1: married to him. The divorce process formally began this past week,

906
00:44:18,080 --> 00:44:20,400
Speaker 1: and I was clear with him about not wanting to

907
00:44:20,400 --> 00:44:24,800
Speaker 1: see him or have contact ever again. I am trying

908
00:44:24,880 --> 00:44:25,360
Speaker 1: to move on.

909
00:44:25,960 --> 00:44:28,720
Speaker 3: I'm I'm proud of you for making the right choice

910
00:44:28,719 --> 00:44:29,080
Speaker 3: for you.

911
00:44:29,560 --> 00:44:32,520
Speaker 1: It's the hard choice, but it feels like the right

912
00:44:32,600 --> 00:44:35,560
Speaker 1: move to make. Yep. Thank you to everybody who left

913
00:44:35,680 --> 00:44:38,839
Speaker 1: encouraging comments for me last time. They really did help.

914
00:44:39,280 --> 00:44:42,560
Speaker 1: I received multiple messages saying I was being too sensitive

915
00:44:43,000 --> 00:44:46,560
Speaker 1: or a stupid woman, but I deleted them and have

916
00:44:46,680 --> 00:44:49,680
Speaker 1: turned off the chat feature now. I appreciate everybody who

917
00:44:49,960 --> 00:44:52,880
Speaker 1: was encouraging. I never thought something like this would happen

918
00:44:52,880 --> 00:44:55,520
Speaker 1: to me. My husband did not start betting until a

919
00:44:55,560 --> 00:44:58,680
Speaker 1: few years into our marriage. Back then it was casually

920
00:44:58,760 --> 00:45:01,640
Speaker 1: and only on football. Then he started betting on other

921
00:45:01,719 --> 00:45:05,360
Speaker 1: sports and it got worse. I never expected anything like

922
00:45:05,400 --> 00:45:07,239
Speaker 1: this to happen to me, and I feel naive and

923
00:45:07,280 --> 00:45:09,920
Speaker 1: stupid for believing he was trying to change. It was

924
00:45:09,960 --> 00:45:12,320
Speaker 1: all a lie. And that's the end of this story.

925
00:45:12,400 --> 00:45:14,200
Speaker 1: We're gonna go on to the next one.

926
00:45:14,239 --> 00:45:17,600
Speaker 3: My wife wanted me to pay her for supporting my

927
00:45:17,760 --> 00:45:18,760
Speaker 3: higher paying job.

928
00:45:19,000 --> 00:45:21,440
Speaker 1: Well, I don't know if that's a pyramid scheme or not,

929
00:45:21,640 --> 00:45:22,400
Speaker 1: it sounds like it.

930
00:45:22,760 --> 00:45:26,000
Speaker 3: I'm male forty two, married my wife female, thirty eight

931
00:45:26,160 --> 00:45:29,719
Speaker 3: last summer, and we're in a huge fight about if

932
00:45:29,760 --> 00:45:32,279
Speaker 3: I should take a new job. My wife is a

933
00:45:32,280 --> 00:45:36,600
Speaker 3: massage therapist and makes about eighty thousand per year. I

934
00:45:36,680 --> 00:45:38,719
Speaker 3: work in tech and last year I made the three

935
00:45:38,800 --> 00:45:42,040
Speaker 3: hundred and twenty thousand dollars. By the way, this comes

936
00:45:42,080 --> 00:45:44,960
Speaker 3: from Tall Competition thirty eighty seven And if you want

937
00:45:44,960 --> 00:45:46,760
Speaker 3: to submit your own stories, go to the r slash

938
00:45:46,800 --> 00:45:49,600
Speaker 3: Okay Storytime suppered it I'm Sofia.

939
00:45:49,239 --> 00:45:51,040
Speaker 1: I'm Dakota, and we're here to give good advice.

940
00:45:51,120 --> 00:45:53,719
Speaker 3: Goofly, Well, we don't have all the answers. We only

941
00:45:53,760 --> 00:45:55,840
Speaker 3: know what we'd do. Slow's note you would do in

942
00:45:55,840 --> 00:45:58,759
Speaker 3: the comments, and OP says with this income, we can

943
00:45:58,840 --> 00:46:01,960
Speaker 3: live very good, comfortably. I had a house before I

944
00:46:02,000 --> 00:46:04,239
Speaker 3: met her, and it is more than half paid off.

945
00:46:04,560 --> 00:46:09,280
Speaker 3: I cover every bill, food trips, clothes, and retirement saving.

946
00:46:09,440 --> 00:46:12,440
Speaker 3: She uses her income for personal things like getting her

947
00:46:12,520 --> 00:46:16,000
Speaker 3: nails done, treats, and jewelry. She admits she's quite bad

948
00:46:16,040 --> 00:46:18,520
Speaker 3: with money, but I make enough to cover both of

949
00:46:18,560 --> 00:46:20,960
Speaker 3: our needs, so it's fine for her income to just

950
00:46:21,080 --> 00:46:24,280
Speaker 3: be for luxury. I got the opportunity for a new job,

951
00:46:24,400 --> 00:46:27,960
Speaker 3: which is much more senior and would pay about double

952
00:46:28,040 --> 00:46:31,360
Speaker 3: at six hundred and fifty thousand dollars. The catch is

953
00:46:31,400 --> 00:46:34,480
Speaker 3: that the working hours would be almost double. It would

954
00:46:34,560 --> 00:46:38,520
Speaker 3: likely fluctuate between thirty and eighty hours, depending on the week.

955
00:46:38,680 --> 00:46:41,080
Speaker 3: I was working a job like this when we met,

956
00:46:41,120 --> 00:46:43,440
Speaker 3: and it kind of sucked, But the level of money

957
00:46:43,480 --> 00:46:46,920
Speaker 3: this time is almost ridiculous. The two people that I

958
00:46:46,960 --> 00:46:49,200
Speaker 3: would report into have cautioned me that it will be

959
00:46:49,280 --> 00:46:53,160
Speaker 3: quite demanding, and I need to be sure I'm ready

960
00:46:53,200 --> 00:46:55,360
Speaker 3: for it. Since I was working a job like this

961
00:46:55,480 --> 00:46:57,960
Speaker 3: when we started dating, she knows the deal. She was

962
00:46:58,040 --> 00:47:00,680
Speaker 3: quite supportive of me then and even help with the

963
00:47:00,760 --> 00:47:03,399
Speaker 3: kids from a prior marriage. Currently, I do about half

964
00:47:03,440 --> 00:47:06,600
Speaker 3: the cooking and housework and all the child care for

965
00:47:06,680 --> 00:47:09,280
Speaker 3: my two kids. We have a maid, and my parents

966
00:47:09,280 --> 00:47:11,440
Speaker 3: help a lot with the kids, so the ask on

967
00:47:11,520 --> 00:47:14,520
Speaker 3: her is not generally to do more stuff. But if

968
00:47:14,560 --> 00:47:16,839
Speaker 3: I have a sixteen hour day, I'm likely going to

969
00:47:16,880 --> 00:47:20,760
Speaker 3: miss something like putting dishes in the dishwasher or bringing

970
00:47:20,800 --> 00:47:23,960
Speaker 3: the kids to soccer practice. I wanted to confirm with

971
00:47:24,000 --> 00:47:26,919
Speaker 3: my wife that if I got too busy, she would

972
00:47:26,920 --> 00:47:29,319
Speaker 3: be able to support and fill in. When I brought

973
00:47:29,400 --> 00:47:33,279
Speaker 3: up the offer, I got no congratulations or anything, just

974
00:47:33,480 --> 00:47:36,080
Speaker 3: arguing we had talked about this many times in the

975
00:47:36,120 --> 00:47:39,360
Speaker 3: past and she seemed on board. This would legitimately be

976
00:47:39,600 --> 00:47:42,160
Speaker 3: huge for us financially. She said that if she was

977
00:47:42,160 --> 00:47:44,719
Speaker 3: going to have to be someone I depended on, she

978
00:47:44,880 --> 00:47:47,719
Speaker 3: wanted to be compensated. I tried to express how I

979
00:47:47,760 --> 00:47:50,440
Speaker 3: did not know how I could compensate her more, because

980
00:47:50,480 --> 00:47:53,040
Speaker 3: she does not pay for anything at the moment, and

981
00:47:53,080 --> 00:47:55,719
Speaker 3: also all of her money is shared anyway because we're

982
00:47:55,800 --> 00:47:58,360
Speaker 3: married and that's what marriage is. So I did not

983
00:47:58,600 --> 00:48:02,000
Speaker 3: understand her pushback. If we divorce, she's getting half, so

984
00:48:02,120 --> 00:48:04,239
Speaker 3: this is not me getting more for me, but me

985
00:48:04,320 --> 00:48:06,719
Speaker 3: getting more for us. I thought the DeVault state of

986
00:48:06,760 --> 00:48:09,239
Speaker 3: a marriage should be support and working as a team.

987
00:48:09,560 --> 00:48:12,239
Speaker 3: She always complains about her hands being really sore and

988
00:48:12,360 --> 00:48:15,080
Speaker 3: tired from work, so I said that realistically it would

989
00:48:15,120 --> 00:48:16,960
Speaker 3: make sense for her to go three days a week

990
00:48:17,040 --> 00:48:19,480
Speaker 3: and not have to suffer any longer. That would just

991
00:48:19,520 --> 00:48:21,880
Speaker 3: mean a drop of about twenty K a year, and

992
00:48:21,920 --> 00:48:23,640
Speaker 3: I would rather have her spend the day at the

993
00:48:23,640 --> 00:48:26,960
Speaker 3: beach relaxing her hands. Also, on occasion, it would be

994
00:48:27,000 --> 00:48:29,160
Speaker 3: good to know she was free for errands if needed.

995
00:48:29,280 --> 00:48:31,319
Speaker 3: She did not like that idea because she would not

996
00:48:31,520 --> 00:48:33,760
Speaker 3: want to have to ask me for money for whatever

997
00:48:33,800 --> 00:48:35,360
Speaker 3: she is spending all of her wages on.

998
00:48:35,480 --> 00:48:35,760
Speaker 1: Now.

999
00:48:36,120 --> 00:48:38,319
Speaker 3: I suspect that there is some element here where she

1000
00:48:38,400 --> 00:48:40,960
Speaker 3: does not want to have a traditional marriage where I

1001
00:48:41,120 --> 00:48:43,040
Speaker 3: make most of the money and she does more than

1002
00:48:43,040 --> 00:48:46,160
Speaker 3: half of the errands and housework. However, it might devolve

1003
00:48:46,239 --> 00:48:49,319
Speaker 3: into a sixty to forty split on the errands and housework.

1004
00:48:49,480 --> 00:48:52,480
Speaker 3: I tried to express that if the situation was reversed,

1005
00:48:52,760 --> 00:48:53,640
Speaker 3: I would happily not.

1006
00:48:53,600 --> 00:48:54,360
Speaker 2: Work at all.

1007
00:48:54,640 --> 00:48:56,480
Speaker 3: In fact, the whole reason that I want to take

1008
00:48:56,520 --> 00:48:59,520
Speaker 3: this job is so that we can retire sooner and

1009
00:48:59,600 --> 00:49:02,840
Speaker 3: travel in her late fifties. So anyway, now she's upset

1010
00:49:02,880 --> 00:49:05,360
Speaker 3: with me and spent the last night at her friend's house.

1011
00:49:05,680 --> 00:49:07,279
Speaker 3: I tried to talk to her about it when she

1012
00:49:07,360 --> 00:49:09,920
Speaker 3: got back, because there was tension in the air. I

1013
00:49:10,000 --> 00:49:12,279
Speaker 3: tried to really simplify it by saying that it was

1014
00:49:12,320 --> 00:49:15,439
Speaker 3: not so much about specific things I wanted her to do.

1015
00:49:16,000 --> 00:49:18,080
Speaker 3: It was about her saying not to worry, and she'll

1016
00:49:18,120 --> 00:49:20,880
Speaker 3: support me no matter what odds are. This will average

1017
00:49:20,880 --> 00:49:23,640
Speaker 3: to less than an hour of week of additional tasks

1018
00:49:23,680 --> 00:49:26,920
Speaker 3: for and I will be working about thirty more per week,

1019
00:49:27,040 --> 00:49:29,640
Speaker 3: thirty more hours, thirty more hours.

1020
00:49:29,760 --> 00:49:32,279
Speaker 1: I think the amount of money you're getting paid, like,

1021
00:49:32,400 --> 00:49:35,240
Speaker 1: I mean, you're getting double the pay but also double

1022
00:49:35,280 --> 00:49:38,520
Speaker 1: the hours. I don't know. Part of me feels like

1023
00:49:38,560 --> 00:49:41,720
Speaker 1: she's like not receptive to this because it's like, well,

1024
00:49:41,800 --> 00:49:45,759
Speaker 1: the situation is already beneficial to her, yeah, and then

1025
00:49:45,800 --> 00:49:49,800
Speaker 1: if you have to work twice as much, yeah, she loses.

1026
00:49:50,320 --> 00:49:51,480
Speaker 1: She uses the norm.

1027
00:49:51,880 --> 00:49:55,160
Speaker 3: I feel like maybe we just need to have another conversation,

1028
00:49:55,880 --> 00:49:57,960
Speaker 3: and maybe part of this is she just doesn't want

1029
00:49:58,280 --> 00:49:59,840
Speaker 3: want you working that many hours.

1030
00:50:00,239 --> 00:50:03,040
Speaker 1: Hopefully that's what it is, because her being like, I

1031
00:50:03,120 --> 00:50:05,799
Speaker 1: need to be compensated would make me go, WHOA, what

1032
00:50:05,840 --> 00:50:06,520
Speaker 1: are we doing?

1033
00:50:06,760 --> 00:50:08,719
Speaker 3: Yeah, that would be weird, So it seems like I

1034
00:50:08,760 --> 00:50:13,000
Speaker 3: am the one sacrificing for us. Comment one says, I

1035
00:50:13,040 --> 00:50:15,080
Speaker 3: assume your kids would rather have a dad who is

1036
00:50:15,160 --> 00:50:17,600
Speaker 3: home and a bit less money, and that your wife

1037
00:50:17,600 --> 00:50:20,160
Speaker 3: wants a partner who is actually home making a life

1038
00:50:20,160 --> 00:50:20,440
Speaker 3: with her.

1039
00:50:20,560 --> 00:50:21,680
Speaker 1: But what do I know?

1040
00:50:22,320 --> 00:50:25,160
Speaker 3: Your kids are only young? Once Opie says, I am

1041
00:50:25,239 --> 00:50:27,959
Speaker 3: home since I work from home. Unless I'm traveling, I'm

1042
00:50:28,000 --> 00:50:30,880
Speaker 3: just to my office. They are preteens, and I pop

1043
00:50:30,920 --> 00:50:33,919
Speaker 3: in between meetings to check if they're winning their video game.

1044
00:50:34,320 --> 00:50:38,080
Speaker 3: But point taken, it would be less quality time. Comma two.

1045
00:50:38,160 --> 00:50:40,840
Speaker 3: When you're passing away reflecting on your life, are you

1046
00:50:40,880 --> 00:50:42,919
Speaker 3: going to be thinking about all the money you made

1047
00:50:42,920 --> 00:50:45,799
Speaker 3: in the family you're literally abandoning for eighty hours a week,

1048
00:50:46,160 --> 00:50:48,400
Speaker 3: or do you want to remember the time spent with

1049
00:50:48,480 --> 00:50:50,839
Speaker 3: people you love? What do you think your kids are

1050
00:50:50,880 --> 00:50:52,799
Speaker 3: going to have to say about you? I mean, for

1051
00:50:52,880 --> 00:50:56,160
Speaker 3: some people. Money trumps all the way you humble bragged

1052
00:50:56,200 --> 00:50:58,920
Speaker 3: all over you seem to be that person. It's a

1053
00:50:59,000 --> 00:51:01,319
Speaker 3: choice and if you can live with it, great. Your

1054
00:51:01,360 --> 00:51:04,960
Speaker 3: wife probably wanted a real partner and companion, not a

1055
00:51:05,040 --> 00:51:08,680
Speaker 3: walking atm Opie says. I agree. This would likely be

1056
00:51:08,760 --> 00:51:11,200
Speaker 3: a two or three year gig and might go down

1057
00:51:11,600 --> 00:51:15,440
Speaker 3: to about sixty hours after the first year. However, after

1058
00:51:15,520 --> 00:51:17,880
Speaker 3: the two years, I will likely have the experience and

1059
00:51:18,080 --> 00:51:20,719
Speaker 3: connections to move to a forty hour a week roll

1060
00:51:20,800 --> 00:51:23,480
Speaker 3: with pay in the five hundred k range. You were

1061
00:51:23,560 --> 00:51:27,160
Speaker 3: right about the boys. They are preteens. I basically raise

1062
00:51:27,239 --> 00:51:29,640
Speaker 3: them on my own, so we have a really good relationship.

1063
00:51:29,960 --> 00:51:31,680
Speaker 3: I do not think it would hurt it if I

1064
00:51:31,760 --> 00:51:34,520
Speaker 3: was around less. This is the bigger debate for me,

1065
00:51:34,840 --> 00:51:36,799
Speaker 3: A bit of a tangent to the wife thing. There

1066
00:51:36,880 --> 00:51:39,640
Speaker 3: is an update, but do you have any thoughts before

1067
00:51:39,640 --> 00:51:40,239
Speaker 3: we get into it.

1068
00:51:40,280 --> 00:51:43,799
Speaker 1: I think it sounds like you do this job for

1069
00:51:44,040 --> 00:51:47,400
Speaker 1: you know what you said three years. With three years,

1070
00:51:47,440 --> 00:51:49,760
Speaker 1: a lot happens in three years when you have preteen,

1071
00:51:49,920 --> 00:51:53,600
Speaker 1: when you go from eleven to fourteen or twelve to fifteen,

1072
00:51:53,840 --> 00:51:56,480
Speaker 1: Like I feel, it's a lot of important time.

1073
00:51:56,640 --> 00:51:58,920
Speaker 3: Yeah, I feel like, that's when you really need to

1074
00:51:58,960 --> 00:52:02,319
Speaker 3: show up because they're going through such big changes in

1075
00:52:02,320 --> 00:52:02,840
Speaker 3: their life.

1076
00:52:03,080 --> 00:52:06,240
Speaker 1: But I mean, it is a lot more money, and

1077
00:52:07,120 --> 00:52:11,239
Speaker 1: that could equate to you know better. I don't know,

1078
00:52:11,280 --> 00:52:14,600
Speaker 1: it's a it's a it's a hard equation to find

1079
00:52:14,880 --> 00:52:16,600
Speaker 1: the right answer to that. For sure.

1080
00:52:16,840 --> 00:52:18,440
Speaker 3: I guess you have to just sit down with your

1081
00:52:18,480 --> 00:52:22,239
Speaker 3: wife and say, Okay, how much money do we have

1082
00:52:22,600 --> 00:52:25,200
Speaker 3: can we, you know, afford to send all these kids

1083
00:52:25,239 --> 00:52:26,920
Speaker 3: to the colleges that they would want to go to.

1084
00:52:27,000 --> 00:52:32,320
Speaker 3: Potentially that we already know that they're living comfortably. Maybe

1085
00:52:32,360 --> 00:52:34,760
Speaker 3: maybe it's kind of walking it back with your wife

1086
00:52:34,760 --> 00:52:38,719
Speaker 3: and saying, Okay, I know you know you or I

1087
00:52:38,880 --> 00:52:42,480
Speaker 3: said before, you don't work like you should cut down

1088
00:52:42,480 --> 00:52:44,359
Speaker 3: on your hours, only work like three days a week.

1089
00:52:44,400 --> 00:52:46,839
Speaker 3: But maybe if you don't want me to work that much,

1090
00:52:46,880 --> 00:52:49,280
Speaker 3: then maybe we go back to you working full time.

1091
00:52:49,440 --> 00:52:49,680
Speaker 1: Yeah.

1092
00:52:50,120 --> 00:52:54,239
Speaker 3: Uh, And we just find a compromise because there is

1093
00:52:54,280 --> 00:52:57,440
Speaker 3: a chance that she just doesn't want more responsibility, but

1094
00:52:57,440 --> 00:52:59,560
Speaker 3: there's also a chance that she just wants you more around.

1095
00:52:59,680 --> 00:53:01,040
Speaker 1: It's totally possible.

1096
00:53:01,400 --> 00:53:03,120
Speaker 3: But there is an update. My wife and I read

1097
00:53:03,120 --> 00:53:05,799
Speaker 3: through your comments together. She wanted me to clarify that

1098
00:53:05,880 --> 00:53:09,080
Speaker 3: she says she is bad at finances, investing, and planning,

1099
00:53:09,680 --> 00:53:11,960
Speaker 3: not with money in the sense that she wastes it.

1100
00:53:12,120 --> 00:53:15,080
Speaker 3: She has spent her income on reasonable things girls. Stuff

1101
00:53:15,160 --> 00:53:18,719
Speaker 3: like hair products, salons, and clothes are expensive, and there

1102
00:53:18,719 --> 00:53:21,160
Speaker 3: have been a number of large purchases. In the end,

1103
00:53:21,200 --> 00:53:23,080
Speaker 3: she has agreed that she does of a pretty good

1104
00:53:23,080 --> 00:53:25,800
Speaker 3: deal in life relative to how things would be without

1105
00:53:25,840 --> 00:53:28,080
Speaker 3: me and her friend's standard of living. Much of that

1106
00:53:28,200 --> 00:53:30,279
Speaker 3: was based on the comments here giving her perspective.

1107
00:53:30,560 --> 00:53:32,960
Speaker 1: Wish us luck, and that's the end of this story.

1108
00:53:33,000 --> 00:53:35,000
Speaker 1: We're gonna go on to the next one. Hey, this

1109
00:53:35,120 --> 00:53:37,640
Speaker 1: is Riley, Your's favorite Southern bill. We're gonna get back

1110
00:53:37,640 --> 00:53:40,400
Speaker 1: to these stories. But here's three minutes worth of that

1111
00:53:40,760 --> 00:53:45,319
Speaker 1: form our sponsors. I stopped talking because my husband is

1112
00:53:45,360 --> 00:53:48,040
Speaker 1: not paying attention, and he threw a fit.

1113
00:53:48,560 --> 00:53:51,200
Speaker 3: If you won't listen to me now, then you'll never

1114
00:53:51,280 --> 00:53:52,160
Speaker 3: hear from me again.

1115
00:53:52,440 --> 00:53:55,400
Speaker 1: For contact, My husband thirty seven and I thirty seven

1116
00:53:55,400 --> 00:53:58,760
Speaker 1: have been together for almost twenty one years. We really

1117
00:53:58,800 --> 00:54:01,920
Speaker 1: love each other and overall we have a great relationship.

1118
00:54:02,080 --> 00:54:05,480
Speaker 1: He has ADHD and gets easily distracted, especially when a

1119
00:54:05,560 --> 00:54:08,000
Speaker 1: topic is not of his interest. By the way. This

1120
00:54:08,040 --> 00:54:10,719
Speaker 1: comes from user Anxious Mexican Girl, and if you want

1121
00:54:10,760 --> 00:54:13,120
Speaker 1: to submit your own stories, go to the r Slashowkay storytime,

1122
00:54:13,160 --> 00:54:16,120
Speaker 1: sebout it. I'm Dakota, I'm Sophia, and we are here

1123
00:54:16,160 --> 00:54:19,120
Speaker 1: to give you good advice. Goofly, we don't have all

1124
00:54:19,120 --> 00:54:20,880
Speaker 1: the answers, though, we just know what we do, so

1125
00:54:21,040 --> 00:54:23,960
Speaker 1: tell us what you would do in the comments. As

1126
00:54:24,040 --> 00:54:26,960
Speaker 1: Op says, one thing I should add is that I

1127
00:54:27,160 --> 00:54:31,480
Speaker 1: was very intense as a teenager in young adult. I

1128
00:54:31,480 --> 00:54:34,120
Speaker 1: don't know if more than others in a relationship, but

1129
00:54:34,200 --> 00:54:37,440
Speaker 1: growing up I was very dramatic. But now I'm fully grown,

1130
00:54:37,600 --> 00:54:41,400
Speaker 1: gone to therapy, and honestly, I realized being the telenovela

1131
00:54:41,560 --> 00:54:44,400
Speaker 1: kind of girlfriend wasn't my thing. So I've been pretty

1132
00:54:44,440 --> 00:54:47,279
Speaker 1: chill for almost ten years. But sometimes I wonder if

1133
00:54:47,280 --> 00:54:49,279
Speaker 1: he still feels that I'm going to have these huge

1134
00:54:49,360 --> 00:54:53,880
Speaker 1: dramatic reactions to everything or what's going on now onto

1135
00:54:53,880 --> 00:54:57,800
Speaker 1: the issue. Lately, he's been on his phone every waking minute.

1136
00:54:57,880 --> 00:55:00,839
Speaker 1: I usually don't really care. I'm doing my and we're

1137
00:55:00,880 --> 00:55:04,160
Speaker 1: able to have conversations anyway. So even if I feel

1138
00:55:04,200 --> 00:55:06,160
Speaker 1: he's a bit addicted to his phone, I don't mind,

1139
00:55:06,239 --> 00:55:08,839
Speaker 1: but it has happened on a few occasions that we're

1140
00:55:08,880 --> 00:55:11,400
Speaker 1: talking about something and all of a sudden he starts

1141
00:55:11,440 --> 00:55:14,799
Speaker 1: playing a video or completely changes the subject because of

1142
00:55:14,880 --> 00:55:17,520
Speaker 1: something he saw on his phone. It kind of throws

1143
00:55:17,560 --> 00:55:20,320
Speaker 1: me off balance, and I don't really feel like continuing

1144
00:55:20,320 --> 00:55:23,920
Speaker 1: our previous conversation, and I don't mind switching topics or

1145
00:55:24,040 --> 00:55:27,400
Speaker 1: just doing something else. So yesterday I made him dinner.

1146
00:55:27,600 --> 00:55:29,880
Speaker 1: I like cooking for the people I love, and I

1147
00:55:30,000 --> 00:55:32,719
Speaker 1: was telling him a story about how my childhood BFF

1148
00:55:32,920 --> 00:55:34,799
Speaker 1: was sometimes kind of a bully to me, and out

1149
00:55:34,840 --> 00:55:38,120
Speaker 1: of nowhere, he says, oof, they're bringing so and so

1150
00:55:38,200 --> 00:55:41,279
Speaker 1: player to my team and started watching a video. I

1151
00:55:41,280 --> 00:55:43,799
Speaker 1: suppose I made a face or something, because he immediately

1152
00:55:43,840 --> 00:55:46,280
Speaker 1: realized what he had done and wanted me to continue

1153
00:55:46,320 --> 00:55:48,960
Speaker 1: telling him my story. But at that point I felt

1154
00:55:48,960 --> 00:55:51,360
Speaker 1: like he wasn't really paying attention, so I said I

1155
00:55:51,360 --> 00:55:53,719
Speaker 1: didn't want to continue with that topic. From there, he

1156
00:55:53,800 --> 00:55:56,440
Speaker 1: said that then he didn't want to eat dinner because

1157
00:55:56,440 --> 00:55:59,399
Speaker 1: I had ruined his appetite by behaving that way. That's

1158
00:55:59,440 --> 00:56:03,399
Speaker 1: where I got really angry. To me, it's incredibly disrespectful

1159
00:56:03,440 --> 00:56:06,120
Speaker 1: to leave the food someone spent time cooking because you're

1160
00:56:06,160 --> 00:56:08,839
Speaker 1: throwing a tantrum. So I took my things and went

1161
00:56:08,880 --> 00:56:11,400
Speaker 1: to our room, and he said I was the one

1162
00:56:11,400 --> 00:56:14,680
Speaker 1: being unreasonable. I just don't get it. I didn't want

1163
00:56:14,680 --> 00:56:17,439
Speaker 1: to fight. I just didn't feel like talking anymore about

1164
00:56:17,480 --> 00:56:20,160
Speaker 1: that specific topic. And I don't know if he felt

1165
00:56:20,160 --> 00:56:23,040
Speaker 1: called out. He insisted that the video started by mistake.

1166
00:56:23,320 --> 00:56:25,600
Speaker 1: I said he shouldn't have been on the phone in

1167
00:56:25,640 --> 00:56:29,560
Speaker 1: the first place, and there have been similar incidents before.

1168
00:56:29,880 --> 00:56:32,239
Speaker 1: I mean, we both work, we don't see each other

1169
00:56:32,280 --> 00:56:34,839
Speaker 1: as much, so I don't know if I'm being unreasonable

1170
00:56:34,880 --> 00:56:37,880
Speaker 1: for wanting to have a nice time without phones involved.

1171
00:56:38,280 --> 00:56:40,719
Speaker 1: And if he can't do that, then maybe he can

1172
00:56:40,760 --> 00:56:44,520
Speaker 1: respect that. I want to change the topic of conversation. Anyways,

1173
00:56:44,520 --> 00:56:46,960
Speaker 1: he got super angry and yelled that I ruined dinner

1174
00:56:46,960 --> 00:56:49,719
Speaker 1: and whatnot. I just told him I don't ask much

1175
00:56:49,760 --> 00:56:52,600
Speaker 1: from him. He's always able to do whatever he wants

1176
00:56:52,680 --> 00:56:56,719
Speaker 1: and I'm pretty accommodating. We both are, honestly. He later

1177
00:56:56,800 --> 00:56:59,719
Speaker 1: apologized for yelling, but not for trying to force the

1178
00:56:59,719 --> 00:57:03,399
Speaker 1: commonversation and being on the phone. But I don't know.

1179
00:57:03,520 --> 00:57:06,560
Speaker 1: He got so angry that I'm a bit confused and

1180
00:57:06,600 --> 00:57:09,000
Speaker 1: I'm wondering if I should have just moved on and

1181
00:57:09,040 --> 00:57:12,400
Speaker 1: continued the conversation. I needed a bit of distance, so

1182
00:57:12,560 --> 00:57:15,000
Speaker 1: he slept in another room, and I'm feeling a bit

1183
00:57:15,080 --> 00:57:18,400
Speaker 1: overwhelmed with everything because its attitude seemed over the top.

1184
00:57:18,600 --> 00:57:21,520
Speaker 1: So Reddit, am I the a hole? And we have

1185
00:57:21,600 --> 00:57:22,480
Speaker 1: some comments.

1186
00:57:22,760 --> 00:57:26,280
Speaker 4: No, no, no, I thought this was going to be

1187
00:57:26,320 --> 00:57:30,040
Speaker 4: a situation where he like wasn't paying attention and then

1188
00:57:30,120 --> 00:57:32,160
Speaker 4: you blow up and are like, you know what, I'm

1189
00:57:32,160 --> 00:57:34,080
Speaker 4: not talking to you, or like just ignore him for

1190
00:57:34,320 --> 00:57:35,400
Speaker 4: two days or straight.

1191
00:57:35,720 --> 00:57:37,480
Speaker 3: Yeah, but that's not what happened here.

1192
00:57:37,640 --> 00:57:40,560
Speaker 1: You were like, Okay, you know, I have a feeling

1193
00:57:40,600 --> 00:57:46,000
Speaker 1: that maybe your reaction was more emotionally charged than you

1194
00:57:46,040 --> 00:57:50,400
Speaker 1: think it was. And then his reaction to that was

1195
00:57:50,440 --> 00:57:52,960
Speaker 1: more charged than it should have been. So I think

1196
00:57:53,000 --> 00:57:55,360
Speaker 1: you guys like did like a negative feedback loop on

1197
00:57:55,400 --> 00:57:57,520
Speaker 1: each other. Yeah, where like he should have just like

1198
00:57:58,000 --> 00:58:00,560
Speaker 1: he should have just swallowed that and been like, all right,

1199
00:58:00,880 --> 00:58:03,600
Speaker 1: I know that was wrong and that's okay, I'll get

1200
00:58:03,640 --> 00:58:07,080
Speaker 1: off the phone. Yeah I'll be But instead he was like, well,

1201
00:58:07,080 --> 00:58:09,160
Speaker 1: how dare you look at me like that? Like, and

1202
00:58:09,200 --> 00:58:11,240
Speaker 1: now I'm not going to eat dinner because you've spoiled

1203
00:58:11,280 --> 00:58:15,360
Speaker 1: my appetite with your foul reaction to my ADHD.

1204
00:58:15,880 --> 00:58:18,440
Speaker 3: And I think I think the solution for this is

1205
00:58:18,440 --> 00:58:21,160
Speaker 3: not like ah am the ahle what I do. It's

1206
00:58:21,200 --> 00:58:24,960
Speaker 3: like no, you know, I whether or not your reaction

1207
00:58:25,840 --> 00:58:29,400
Speaker 3: was like a lot or something, he still overreacted, But

1208
00:58:29,520 --> 00:58:31,840
Speaker 3: it doesn't solve anything if we just point fingers. So

1209
00:58:31,920 --> 00:58:36,840
Speaker 3: let's sit down say hey, this hurt me going forward?

1210
00:58:37,720 --> 00:58:39,640
Speaker 3: Can we make like a rule where we just don't

1211
00:58:39,640 --> 00:58:41,240
Speaker 3: look at our phones when we're on the conversation.

1212
00:58:41,440 --> 00:58:42,960
Speaker 1: I think you should sit down with them and say,

1213
00:58:43,040 --> 00:58:45,280
Speaker 1: I'm gonna call you my little brain rot boy if

1214
00:58:45,280 --> 00:58:49,680
Speaker 1: you don't stop getting distracted by your phone mid conversation

1215
00:58:49,760 --> 00:58:50,000
Speaker 1: with you.

1216
00:58:50,080 --> 00:58:53,360
Speaker 3: Yeah, every time, brain baby boy, little brain rock Boy.

1217
00:58:53,280 --> 00:58:56,400
Speaker 1: Rain rock Boy, brain rob Boy, BRB brain rob Boy.

1218
00:58:56,720 --> 00:58:58,840
Speaker 1: And then maybe it'll be funny, maybe it'll work, Maybe

1219
00:58:58,880 --> 00:59:01,520
Speaker 1: it'll be a little funny. Maybe make it a little

1220
00:59:01,520 --> 00:59:05,360
Speaker 1: funny so then it's not so angry. Yeah comments, So

1221
00:59:05,600 --> 00:59:08,120
Speaker 1: he doesn't like being told when he's done something wrong

1222
00:59:08,160 --> 00:59:10,280
Speaker 1: and threw a tantrum like a toddler and then tried

1223
00:59:10,320 --> 00:59:12,920
Speaker 1: to gaslight you. This blew way out of proportion from

1224
00:59:12,960 --> 00:59:16,280
Speaker 1: his end, Is this a usual thing or just started recently.

1225
00:59:16,440 --> 00:59:19,480
Speaker 1: Sounds like a selfish dude. To be honest, he's in

1226
00:59:19,520 --> 00:59:22,480
Speaker 1: the wrong, you are not. I would suggest a conversation

1227
00:59:22,560 --> 00:59:25,400
Speaker 1: with him about how you feel about phones. Comment two says,

1228
00:59:25,440 --> 00:59:27,200
Speaker 1: not the a hole. He blamed you for your reaction

1229
00:59:27,360 --> 00:59:31,400
Speaker 1: to his neglect. Who cleans up after you cook? Op

1230
00:59:31,600 --> 00:59:33,919
Speaker 1: says thanks for the book, I'll definitely read it. As

1231
00:59:33,960 --> 00:59:36,200
Speaker 1: for the cleanup, it's usually the person that doesn't cook

1232
00:59:36,240 --> 00:59:39,200
Speaker 1: who's the one in charge of dishes in general tidying up,

1233
00:59:39,520 --> 00:59:42,200
Speaker 1: but mostly we each handle our own mess. He works

1234
00:59:42,280 --> 00:59:45,480
Speaker 1: very odd hours, so us having dinner together is not usual.

1235
00:59:45,760 --> 00:59:48,160
Speaker 1: I think that's why I got so angry at him

1236
00:59:48,160 --> 00:59:51,960
Speaker 1: when he refused to have dinner. Update. Hi everyone, I

1237
00:59:52,000 --> 00:59:53,800
Speaker 1: want to thank you all for the comments and opinions.

1238
00:59:53,800 --> 00:59:55,920
Speaker 1: After reading all of them, I decided I needed to

1239
00:59:56,000 --> 00:59:59,640
Speaker 1: have a conversation with my husband. So Friday, after taking

1240
00:59:59,640 --> 01:00:02,000
Speaker 1: the dogs for a walk, we sat down and talked

1241
01:00:02,160 --> 01:00:05,720
Speaker 1: like normal adults. First, we set some ground rules about

1242
01:00:05,720 --> 01:00:09,640
Speaker 1: no phones during dinner unless it's work or urgent family

1243
01:00:09,680 --> 01:00:12,520
Speaker 1: related stuff. I wanted to address the way he reacted

1244
01:00:12,560 --> 01:00:14,720
Speaker 1: because I felt it was not only out of character,

1245
01:00:14,800 --> 01:00:18,080
Speaker 1: but also very over the top. So yes, he confessed

1246
01:00:18,360 --> 01:00:21,640
Speaker 1: he's struggling with a lot of things emotionally not related

1247
01:00:21,680 --> 01:00:24,400
Speaker 1: to us, but mostly he felt sorry for ruining the

1248
01:00:24,400 --> 01:00:28,160
Speaker 1: moment by being on his phone and tried very poorly

1249
01:00:28,520 --> 01:00:31,720
Speaker 1: to try and keep the conversation going and got frustrated

1250
01:00:31,800 --> 01:00:33,920
Speaker 1: when I shut down. I told him we could have

1251
01:00:34,000 --> 01:00:36,800
Speaker 1: kept talking about something else had he not acted the

1252
01:00:36,800 --> 01:00:39,760
Speaker 1: way he did and blamed me. All it took was

1253
01:00:39,800 --> 01:00:42,360
Speaker 1: to say sorry and move on instead of making something

1254
01:00:42,480 --> 01:00:46,360
Speaker 1: huge and disrespectful. He told me he understood and promised

1255
01:00:46,520 --> 01:00:49,040
Speaker 1: to do better. He also talked about how if I

1256
01:00:49,160 --> 01:00:51,439
Speaker 1: say something, I mean it. So if I say I'm

1257
01:00:51,560 --> 01:00:54,480
Speaker 1: not angry, but I don't want to continue talking about something,

1258
01:00:54,800 --> 01:00:58,680
Speaker 1: I'm not being mysterious so cryptic. I actually mean that,

1259
01:00:59,080 --> 01:01:01,680
Speaker 1: and he needs to trust me. He explained his reasoning

1260
01:01:01,720 --> 01:01:04,120
Speaker 1: behind this, And it's because he assumes it's a way

1261
01:01:04,120 --> 01:01:05,920
Speaker 1: for me to try and make him fight for the

1262
01:01:05,960 --> 01:01:10,000
Speaker 1: relationship or for my happiness, and that's where he gets frustrated.

1263
01:01:10,480 --> 01:01:12,800
Speaker 1: There is a little bit more story here, sure is,

1264
01:01:13,200 --> 01:01:16,080
Speaker 1: let's go ahead and finish that, all right, So again

1265
01:01:16,720 --> 01:01:20,320
Speaker 1: I reiterated that if I'm angry or sad or whatever,

1266
01:01:20,400 --> 01:01:22,680
Speaker 1: I'll let him know. If I say we can move

1267
01:01:22,680 --> 01:01:24,960
Speaker 1: on from something, I mean it. I guess I'm not

1268
01:01:25,120 --> 01:01:28,000
Speaker 1: the only one with a flair for the dramatic after all.

1269
01:01:28,360 --> 01:01:30,760
Speaker 1: So overall, I think we had a good talk. Hopefully,

1270
01:01:30,800 --> 01:01:33,520
Speaker 1: if something similar happens, we're able to handle it better.

1271
01:01:33,640 --> 01:01:37,520
Speaker 1: For those who said to divorce him immediately, I'm loving

1272
01:01:37,560 --> 01:01:41,640
Speaker 1: that extreme chaotic energy. It's probably the same thing I

1273
01:01:41,680 --> 01:01:44,680
Speaker 1: would have said to any of my friends. But nuance

1274
01:01:44,760 --> 01:01:46,560
Speaker 1: exists and love exists.

1275
01:01:46,800 --> 01:01:50,720
Speaker 3: It would be crazy to divorce over you guys having

1276
01:01:51,480 --> 01:01:56,360
Speaker 3: one fight about a phone. Yeah, after over twenty years

1277
01:01:56,400 --> 01:01:59,919
Speaker 3: of marriage. Anyone who told you to divorce should never

1278
01:02:00,200 --> 01:02:00,800
Speaker 3: get married.

1279
01:02:02,280 --> 01:02:04,520
Speaker 1: The Internet is a place of extreme opinion.

1280
01:02:04,680 --> 01:02:08,800
Speaker 3: That's that's crazy. Never, not once in this story did

1281
01:02:08,800 --> 01:02:10,920
Speaker 3: I think this is divorce worthy.

1282
01:02:11,120 --> 01:02:13,520
Speaker 1: We don't know that. Reddit loves to tell people to

1283
01:02:13,520 --> 01:02:16,800
Speaker 1: get divorced. That's true, and sometimes they're on the money.

1284
01:02:16,840 --> 01:02:20,320
Speaker 3: Sometimes they're right, but you know what, broken clocks right

1285
01:02:20,520 --> 01:02:21,720
Speaker 3: sometimes twice a day.

1286
01:02:21,800 --> 01:02:24,720
Speaker 1: Usually I still think this relationship is worth it. But

1287
01:02:24,840 --> 01:02:26,919
Speaker 1: if I ever have a change of heart, I'll reach

1288
01:02:26,960 --> 01:02:30,080
Speaker 1: out for sure. At least we'll know. She'll let us

1289
01:02:30,080 --> 01:02:32,360
Speaker 1: know if she's divorcing she will, but that is the

1290
01:02:32,480 --> 01:02:34,040
Speaker 1: end of that story.